Reader's Digest Canada - 03.2020

CANADA’S CONTENT MARCH 2020
CANADIANS
MREOASDTMAGAZINE TRUST

Quit Canada’sHAHHAA HHAAHA
Snoring
for Good!

PAGE 22

PM40070677 FAMILY

VACATIONS

PAGE 36

HUNTING
ANTARCTICA’S

PIRATES
PAGE 90

Why Women Should
Worry More About
Heart Attacks

PAGE 66

Who Murdered Barry
and Honey Sherman?

PAGE 100

New Rules for
Spoiling Grandkids

PAGE 20

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reader’s digest

CONTENTS

IRMA KNIIVILA Features 46 new products. What it’s
like to live in a guinea
36 heart pig city.

cover story Lesson From NICHOLAS D’ASCANIO
a Five-Year-Old FROM MAISONNEUVE
CANADA’S FUNNIEST
FAMILY VACATIONS A severe stroke left my 58
mother paranoid, con-
True tales of hijinks, fused and needy. Just drama in real life
hot peppers and when I was at my wit’s
all-out hilarity. end, my child taught “Is Anybody
me the joys of patience. Out There?”
on the cover:
illustration by sam island LESLIE KENDALL DYE Pam Bales was hiking
FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES in Mount Washington
58 State Park when the
52 temperature suddenly
dropped and a snow-
society storm blocked her way.
That’s when she spotted
The Most Average a set of fresh footprints
Place in Canada leading deeper into the
unknown.
London, Ontario—
mid-sized, multi-ethnic TY GAGNE FROM NEW HAMP-
and very, very ordin- SHIRE UNION LEADER
ary—is where major
corporations go to test

rd.ca 1

reader’s digest

66 78 90

health society environment

The Broken The Simple Truth Hunting Antarctica’s
Hearts Club About Older Parenting Pirates

Every year, 63,000 More Canadians are Three months on the
Canadians have a heart waiting to have kids— tail of the Thunder, one
attack. Here’s how to and discovering that of the most notorious
avoid becoming the joys outweigh the illegal fishing vessels
another statistic. risks, costs and perpet- in the world.
ual exhaustion.
LISA BENDALL SIMON AGER FROM MAPTIA
KATRINA ONSTAD
74 FROM CHATELAINE 98

heart 86 humour

“Would You Like life lesson Going Up?
a Cup of Tea?”
A Rock in a Hard Place Elevator conversation
Small acts of kindness starters to use if you’re
on Newfoundland’s Solid advice to not a small-talk person.
East Coast Trail. support someone
with depression. SOPHIE KOHN
JENNIFER KNOCH
FROM THE GLOBE AND MAIL ERICA LENTI 100

editors’ choice JAIME HOGGE

The Last Hours of
Honey and Barry
Sherman

When one of Canada’s
wealthiest couples was
found dead in their
mansion, rumours
swirled about hired
hits, vengeful mobsters
and fentanyl turf wars
turned bloody. But
what if it was someone
they knew?

KEVIN DONOVAN FROM
THE BILLIONAIRE MURDERS

16

Departments Humour

4 Editor’s Letter 15
Life’s Like That
6 Contributors
45
8 Letters Down to Business

24 Points to Ponder 50
As Kids See It
57 World Wide Weird
85
big idea Laughter, the Best

16 Senior Moment Medicine

MEREDITH SADLER A boot camp helps health reader’s digest
retirees launch book club
businesses and 27 Take a Long,
provides a new Hard Look 112 When We Were
lease on life. Vikings
Erectile dysfunc-
STACY LEE KONG tion is easy to Each month,
treat, but should we recommend
ask an expert be assessed for a new must-read.
underlying causes.
20 Is It Okay to EMILY LANDAU
Spoil My Grand- VANESSA MILNE
children? 114 Brainteasers
29 News From the
We ask Mary Jane World of Medicine 116 Trivia
Sterne, co-author
of Intentional SAMANTHA RIDEOUT 117 Word Power
Grandparenting.
32 What’s Wrong 119 Sudoku
COURTNEY SHEA With Me?
120 Crossword
13 things LISA BENDALL

22 What You
Should Know
About Snoring

ANNA-KAISA WALKER

SPECIAL FEATURE 2020

MORE THAN 4,000 VOTES WERE TALLIED. VOTED BY CANADIANS
AND 31 CATEGORIES WERE STUDIED.

Curious to discover which brands came out on top?
Turn to page 11 to find out!

reader’s digest

EDITOR’S LETTER

Join the Club

F or many years, books had a For the record, my pile currently (PUPO) DANIEL EHRENWORTH; (BOOKS) ISTOCK.COM/ARTENEX
death sentence. People were includes Ian McEwan’s Brexit satire The
said to be too distracted to read Cockroach, Ta-Nehisi Coates’s lyrical
anything longer than 10 words. The cul- debut novel The Water Dancer, one or
prits were technological: smartphones, two guides to raising a preschooler (des-
social media, virtual-reality games, perate times!) and Emma Donoghue’s
you name it. latest, Akin, which is nothing like Room
but still harrowing in its own way.
Then a funny thing happened. Not
only did books stick around, they’re as One thing I know for certain about
popular as ever. According to a 2019 the audience of this magazine is that
report by the Pew Research Center, they’re avid readers, too. With this issue
seven in 10 Americans say they’ve read we’re introducing the Reader’s Digest
a book in some format over the past 12 Book Club. On page 112, you’ll find
months, and the vast majority prefer our very first pick: When We Were
their books in print. Recent studies Vikings, by the Canadian novelist
have shown that they’re better for
it: reading for 30 minutes a day Andrew David MacDonald. His book
makes you more empathetic, is funny, honest and as gripping
improves concentration and even as they come—you’ll find it hard
helps you live longer. to put down. Be sure to join the
conversation about it on our RD
Everyone has their own Facebook page. Happy
reasons for getting lost in a reading!
book: to learn, to pass the
time, to escape, to calm the P.S. You can reach
mind as you get ready for me at [email protected].
sleep. When I meet some-
one, I always ask what
books are at their bed-
side—it’s the fastest way
to get to know a person.

4 march 2020

PUBLISHED BY THE READER’S DIGEST MAGAZINES CANADA LIMITED, MONTREAL, CANADA

Christopher Dornan chairman of the board
Brian Kennedy president and publisher
Mark Pupo editor-in-chief

executive editor, art director John Montgomery
digital Brett Walther associate art director Danielle Sayer

senior editors Megan Jones, graphic designer Pierre Loranger
Micah Toub content operations

assistant editor, manager Lisa Pigeon
digital Robert Liwanag circulation director Edward Birkett

contributing editors Susan Nerberg, contributors: Simon Ager, Craig Baines, Lisa Bendall, Derek
Samantha Rideout Bowman, Britanny Carmichael, Nicholas D’Ascanio, Kevin

intern Rosie Long Decter Donovan, Jonathan Dyck, Daniel Ehrenworth, Ty Gagne, Clayton
proofreader Katie Moore Hanmer, Jaime Hogge, Sam Island, Jimmy Jeong, Leslie Kendall
senior researcher Lucy Uprichard Dye, Irma Kniivila, Jennifer Knoch, Sophie Kohn, Susan Camilleri
researchers Martha Beach, Alyssa Konar, Stacy Lee Kong, Gracia Lam, Emily Landau, Erica Lenti,

Favreau, Matthew Halliday, Pasha Malla, Jason McBride, Leah McLaren, Kyle Metcalf,
Nicole Schmidt, Leslie Vanessa Milne, Megan Murphy, Louise Nadeau, Katrina Onstad,
Sponder
copy editors Chad Fraser, Amy Christina Palassio, Paul Paquet, Darren Rigby, Leah Rumack,
Harkness, Richard Johnson Meredith Sadler, Julie Saindon, Lynn Scurfield, Courtney Shea,
Fraser Simpson, Catherine Stinson, Lauren Tamaki, Conan de

Vries, Anna-Kaisa Walker, Jeff Widderich, Victor Wong

THE READER’S DIGEST ASSOCIATION (CANADA) ULC

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national sales director James Anderson 121 Bloor St. E.
national account executives Suzanne Farago (Montreal), Suite 430

Robert Shaw (Vancouver), Melissa Silverberg (Toronto) Toronto, ON
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head of marketing solutions and new product development Melissa Williams
lead project manager Meri Ward
production manager Lisa Snow

TRUSTED MEDIA BRANDS

Bonnie Kintzer president and chief executive officer
Raimo Moysa editor-in-chief, international magazines

VOL. 196, NO. 1,167 Copyright © 2020 by Reader’s Digest Magazines We acknowledge
Canada Limited. Reproduction in any manner in whole or in part in with gratitude the
English or other languages prohibited. All rights reserved throughout financial support of
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rd.ca 5

reader’s digest

CONTRIBUTORS

SAM ISLAND EMILY LANDAU

Illustrator, Burlington Writer, Toronto

“Canada’s Funniest “Book Club”
Family Vacations”
Landau decides what
Island knows all about family trips book to read based on her mood (and
gone sideways—he suffers from sea- which of her library holds have come
sickness, which posed a problem on in). She believes literature is a direct
ferries during a memorable 1993 window into the minds of others.
road trip to Newfoundland with his That’s why she loved When We Were
parents. For this cover story, he Vikings, this month’s book club pick—
strove to make his illustrations as fun it showed her how someone with fetal
(and nausea-free) as the stories they alcohol syndrome might see the
accompany. See how they turned out world. Read about Andrew David
on page 36. MacDonald’s debut novel on page 112.

IRMA KNIIVILA ROSIE LONG DECTER (ISLAND) BETH MARTIN; (LONG DECTER) MARS ZASLAVSKY

Illustrator, Toronto Reader’s Digest intern,
Montreal
“Is Anybody
Out There?” “World Wide Weird”

For this story about a life-threatening Preparing this collection of stories
snowstorm, Kniivila aimed to show taught Long Decter that local news
nature as a hostile force. Having once is no snooze, and that the strangest
been caught herself in a snowy tales often take place in our own
mountain hike where the trail was backyards. She firmly believes we
nearly invisible, Kniivila is in awe of all need a regular dose of absurdity,
Pam Bales, who stayed calm and hilarity and silliness to remind us to
rescued a fellow hiker during similar smile at our own mishaps and mis-
circumstances. Find out about Pam’s fortunes. Laugh at the latest bizarre
plight on page 58. happenings on page 57.

6 march 2020

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reader’s digest

LETTERS

LETTER OF THE MONTH

A Job Well Done

I have been a Reader’s Digest subscriber
for over 65 years and always welcome
its arrival in the mail. During Dominique
Ritter’s tenure as editor-in-chief, the
magazine continued to be an enjoyable
publication. I want to thank her for a job
well done. It seemed to me that Ritter
cared not only about the content but
also about the readers. I was impressed
that when I brought a discrepancy in
one article to her attention, she promptly
and personally responded to me by
email. Thank you, Dominique, and all
the best in what you do next.

— C.L. DMYTRUK, Edmonton

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU!

Have some thoughts about one of our stories? Send us your letters!
Reader’s Digest wants to hear what you think. In every issue, one of the notes
we publish will appear as a featured letter. If your submission is selected as
our Letter of the Month, we’ll send you $50! See full contest guidelines at
rd.ca/letterofthemonth2019rules. Write to us at [email protected].
Please include your full name and address.

8 march 2020

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a town I visit often, as I have a daughter
and three grandchildren living there.
After reading the article, I noticed
another connection that surprised me,
although it was one between the writer
and the soldier: the writer’s last name
is an anagram of Naish!

— BRIAN DYCK

FRIENDSHIP AND SACRIFICE CONTRIBUTE
I was so touched to read the story of
the late Joe Howlett (“Joe and the Send us your funny jokes and anecdotes, and if we publish one in
Whale,” June 2019), who gave his life a print edition of Reader’s Digest, we’ll send you $50. To submit,
helping to save an endangered right visit rd.ca/joke.
whale. I hope this species can return
from the edge of extinction and make Original contributions (text and photos) become the property of
Joe’s sacrifice worthwhile. The Reader’s Digest Magazines Canada Limited, and its affiliates,
upon publication. Submissions may be edited for length and
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10 march 2020

SPECIAL FEATURE

2020

VOTED BY CANADIANS

Today, Canadian consumers are overloaded
with competing product messages and
choices in-store and online. How do you
decide which product to buy over the
next? How do you push through the noise
and clutter to determine which brands will
provide you the best quality and price?
The Reader’s Digest Trusted BrandTM
study is the answer. Celebrating its 12th
year in 2020, the Canadian Reader’s Digest
Trusted BrandTM study looks at 31 product
and service categories. More than 4,000
votes were tallied to identify which brands
Canadians trust most. Curious to find out
what brands came out on top? Turn the
page to find out!
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your next purchase, look for the Trusted
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rd.ca/trusted-brands

reader’s digest

LIFE’S LIKE THAT saying. She mentioned
this several times, but
Capturing the Moment it wasn’t helping, so she
got right out of her car
to speak louder into the
intercom—and realized
she was talking into
a mailbox.

— DONNA THOMPSON,

Edmonton

Trendy Typo
Sometimes I accident-
ally hit “z” instead of
a period and end up
sending texts like “See
you laterz,” like I’m a
cool teen from 2003.

— JOSH GONDELMAN,

comedian

— @RULINGSPORTS saving $900 a month. Night Owls
My friend and I were
Me, before coffee: — @MONDAYPUNDAY driving home the other
Ugh, why is everyone night at what felt like
shouting? Hard of Hearing well past midnight, but
Me, after coffee: Okay, My sister and her hus- the clock said 8:36 p.m.
yes, I do see the fire now. band were travelling and If that doesn’t sum up
stopped at a fast food being in your 40s, I
— @RICA_BEE drive-thru. My sister don’t know what does.
gave her order through
I moved in with my girl- the intercom but — @LETMESTART
friend after one year. couldn’t make out
Some people say we’re what the employee was Send us your original
rushing in, but we’re jokes! You could earn $50
both so in love with and be featured in the
magazine. See page 10
or rd.ca/joke for details.

rd.ca 15

reader’s digest

BIG IDEA

A boot camp helps retirees launch
businesses and provides a new lease on life

Senior Moment

BY Stacy Lee Kong

photograph by jaime hogge

W HEN TOM GIBSON retired business thanks to the lab’s latest pilot
from his job as a business project: the Seniorpreneur Program 4
consultant, he was looking Innovation, Creativity and Entrepre-
forward to a little downtime. But the neurship (SPICE). Founded by com-
65-year-old soon realized that, for him, munity organizer Pramilla Ramdahani
there was such a thing as too much last year, it helps the growing number
relaxation. “I found out through retire- of people aged 55 or older who want to
ment that I was not the retiring type,” start their own businesses.
he says. “I wanted to—and actually
needed to—stay busy.” According to a 2015 Statistics Canada
report, one in five Canadians aged 65
Initially, he thought he’d stave off and older reported working at some
boredom by volunteering at Commun- point during the year. For some, this is a
ity Innovation Lab, an Oshawa, Ont., matter of financial necessity—we’re liv-
not-for-profit that supports budding ing longer, which means our retirement
entrepreneurs. Instead, he ended up savings and pensions have to go much
getting support to build a new family further. Other seniors, like Gibson, are

16 march 2020

Tom Gibson
got support
from Pramilla
Ramdahani’s
entrepreneur
program.

reader’s digest

continuing to work or opting to re-enter other people in the class on how you
the workforce because they want men- could do things differently or think
tal and social stimulation. “SPICE pro- about things that maybe you hadn’t.
vides an opportunity for them to use the And the networking part of it was
wisdom, knowledge and passions they also helpful.”
have been sitting on,” Ramdahani says.
Ramdahani is currently trying to
In its first year, SPICE hosted three secure funding to offer more boot
“boot camps” for cohorts of 20 seniors camps in the future. And she’s hoping
each. The groups met to build a busi- SPICE can expand beyond Durham
ness plan and connect with profession- Region. In the meantime, though, Com-
als, like accountants and marketers, munity Innovation Lab is continuing to
who had small-business expertise. offer support to entrepreneurial seniors,
whether it’s through one-off work-
Some of the seniors who participated shops or even just by offering a place
came with only an idea for professional to hold meetings.
services, such as financial planning or
workplace wellness, or for products, Gibson’s Havlar has entered its next
like all-natural undergarments or styl- phase: crowdfunding its manufactur-
ish cycling gear. Others, like Gibson, ing process so its safes can start being
were further along in the process. He sold later this year. He’s pleased at what
and his sons were already working on he and his sons have been able to do
a company, Havlar, that sells mobile so far—and hopeful about what comes
safes in which to store valuables, like next. “How sweet was it that I could
cellphones and wallets. (The idea came actually commit my time and energy
from Gibson’s son Daryl whose hockey to build something with my family that
bag was stolen while he was on the ice.) is hopefully enduring? Maybe even
create a legacy? I didn’t want to miss
“I had a very solid business plan to an opportunity, however late in life, to
work from and make better,” Gibson make this kind of contribution.”
says. “But you also got feedback from

Future Tense

The most important thing we can do is talk about climate change—
why it matters to us and what we can do to fix it.

KATHERINE HAYHOE, ATMOSPHERIC SCIENTIST

One day I will be an ancestor, and I want my descendants to know
I used my voice so they can have a future.

AUTUMN PELTIER, CLEAN-WATER ACTIVIST

18 march 2020

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reader’s digest

ASK AN EXPERT

Is It Okay
to Spoil My
Grandchildren?

We ask Mary Jane Sterne,
co-author of Intentional

Grandparenting

BY Courtney Shea

illustration by lauren tamaki

We all know that spoiling kids is a would have a grilled cheese. It’s a nice
bad idea, but is it okay for Grandma memory, and something that helped
or Grandpa to engage in the odd act her to engage in her passion.
of overindulgence?
A little overindulgence is part of the What if her passion was playing
grandparent’s role, but you don’t want Minecraft? I ask because a study from
to do anything that directly contradicts last year reported that grandparents
the parents’ wishes—specific rules are major culprits when it comes to
around food, for example. I always excessive screen time.
suggest that grandparents make them- Grandparents may be guilty of taking a
selves aware of their grandchild’s inter- slightly more relaxed attitude about that.
ests and do something special that But if you’re giving them 15 minutes of
supports that. When my granddaugh-
ter was younger, I would take her to
her art class every week and then we

20 march 2020

extra screen time so you can have a get everyone on the same page. If you
break, that’s not going to hurt anyone. feel like you’re being taken advantage
of, say something. Being a devoted
I’ve also read that grandparents are grandparent is not the same as being
spending as much as seven times a martyr.
more money on grandchildren than
they were a decade ago. Why is this? GRANDPARENTS
Baby boomers are living longer, and CAN PROVIDE A
we have more disposable income than SUPPORTIVE, NON-
our parents did. I have friends who JUDGMENTAL EAR.
make contributions to their grandchil-
dren’s education funds and pay for Research shows that kids who are
summer camp—so it’s not like we’re close to their grandparents have bet-
just buying endless toys. ter mental-health outcomes. Why do
you think that is?
How else are things different for With the parent/child relationship,
“grandboomers” than they were for the kids are worried about getting in
their predecessors? trouble, and the parents worry about
Parents aren’t necessarily seeking making mistakes. A grandparent, on
advice from the older generation as the other hand, has an opportunity to
much. It used to be that when you had provide a supportive, non-judgmental
a baby, you’d turn to the grandparents ear. For instance, I’ve heard of kids
for guidance on things like bottle tem- who have first come out as lesbian or
perature, sleeping and what your baby gay to their grandparents.
should be eating. Today, new parents
get that information online. Being a Are grandparents better off because
grandparent today is often about zip- of their grandchildren?
ping your lip. Absolutely! One study showed engaged
grandparents live five years longer than
On the other hand, you hear of their counterparts. That makes sense—
grandparents who feel used by adult grandchildren can keep you active: I
kids’ requests. Any advice on setting ski with my grandchildren; I bike with
limits? Like, no, I can’t babysit for a them. They can also give you a sense
third night this week. of purpose, which is something a lot of
Sure. That’s the whole idea behind older people struggle with.
“intentional grandparenting”—to com-
municate and set boundaries sooner
rather than later. What you need is to

rd.ca 21

reader’s digest 1 It’s common. An esti-
mated 45 per cent of
13 THINGS adults snore occasion-
ally, and one in four are
What You chronic snorers.
Should Know
About Snoring 2 That buzz-saw
sound is caused by
BY Anna-Kaisa Walker loose, floppy tissues in
your throat, tongue and
illustration by clayton hanmer palate vibrating and
slapping together. Nasal
22 march 2020 congestion, being over-
weight, drugs, alcohol
and a deviated septum
can all compress the
airway, making the
vibrations stronger.

3 Snoring itself won’t
hurt you, but it could
hurt your marriage:
one British survey
found that 12 per cent
of respondents cited
snoring as a reason for
divorcing a spouse.

4 If your snoring is
interrupted by
bouts of total breathing
obstruction, talk to your
doctor. You may have
sleep apnea, diagnosed
in 6.4 per cent of Cana-
dians. Sufferers are
roused out of deep sleep
as many as 300 times a

night, experience body weight saw their opening your airway
chronic daytime drows- snoring drastically wider. “These can be
iness and are at risk for reduced afterwards. effective if you belong
high blood pressure to the low proportion of
and heart problems. 8 You might also con- patients whose snoring
sider taking up a new is caused by the tongue,”
5 Sleep apnea can be hobby: the didgeridoo. says Rotenberg. “Most of
diagnosed by an A Swiss study found that the time, the issue is in
otolaryngologist, who consistently practising your palate, and dental
examines your mouth the Australian instru- devices won’t help.”
and throat for abnor- ment strengthened the
malities, and a sleep muscles in the throats 11 Nasal strips open
study, requiring you to of snorers and was an your nasal pas-
spend a night in a lab. effective alternative to sages wider. But they
a CPAP machine. won’t help if issues with
6 The gold-standard your tongue, palate or
treatment for sleep 9 Snoring can be a throat are causing you
apnea is a continuous- stubborn condition to snore.
positive-airway-pressure to treat. “It can come
(CPAP) machine. A from different areas of 12Taping tennis balls
mask fits over your nose the mouth and throat,” onto the back of
and mouth and blows says Rotenberg. Using your pyjama shirt really
air into your throat to an endoscope—a thin does work, says Roten-
keep your airways open camera with a light— berg. Your sleep posi-
at night. “The reality is doctors can pinpoint tion can worsen snor-
that only about half of where the vibrations ing. “Something that
CPAP users stick with it, are happening, helping forces you to lie on your
because it can be highly doctors recommend side can be effective.”
intrusive,” says Dr. Brian effective treatments.
Rotenberg, an otolaryn- 13 Extreme cases
gologist and surgeon in 10 Many drugstore may call for sur-
London, Ont. contraptions gery. For example, uvu-
promise a quick, cheap lopalatopharyngoplasty
7 If you’re overweight, fix, but buyer beware. (UPPP)—a real mouth-
shedding pounds Mouth appliances like ful of a procedure—
can lessen snoring. In SnoreRX or Zyppah rearranges throat tissues
one study, subjects who work by pushing your to increase the size of
lost 10 per cent of their lower jaw forward, your airway.

rd.ca 23

reader’s digest

POINTS TO PONDER PHOTOS: (FRY) BELLE ANCELL; (McDONALD) CBC MEDIA CENTRE; (KLEIN) KOUROSH KESHIRI; (NENSHI) VANESSA PATERSON; (MARTEL) © EMMA LOVE 2015.

BY Christina Palassio

If we really want to change politics,
we’re going to have to not just

assume women are normally and
naturally kinder and gentler. We
can’t do that kind of stereotyping.

–Liberal MP Hedy Fry, IN CHATELAINE

I was in Yellowknife two weeks ago for a round table with former
hockey players. I spoke out against fighting. Everyone got up and
clapped in support of what I said. Unfortunately they’re the same

people who get up [and cheer] when there’s a fight in a game.

–Former Montreal Canadiens player and GM Serge Savard, IN LA PRESSE

EVERYTHING THAT’S BAD Music doesn’t
FOR HUMANITY IS GOOD belong to fancy
people on stage.
FOR COMEDY.
It belongs to
–Comedian Sugar Sammy, ON TWITTER people. It’s a
way of making
WHAT KID IN THE 1960s
DIDN’T WANT TO BECOME yourself
feel good.
AN ASTRONAUT?
–Musician
–Quirks & Quarks host Bob McDonald, ON HIS Patrick Watson, IN

CHILDHOOD ASPIRATIONS, IN THE VANCOUVER SUN THE GLOBE AND MAIL

24 march 2020

QUOTES: (FRY) SEPT. 20, 2019; (SAVARD) OCT. 8, 2019; (SUGAR SAMMY) OCT. 11, 2019; (McDONALD) OCT. 22, 2019; (WATSON) OCT. 16, 2019; (KLEIN) SIMON AND WE DON’T HAVE THE RIGHT TO
SCHUSTER (SEPT. 17, 2019); (POROWSKI) OCT. 4, 2019; (NENSHI) SEPT. 30, 2019; (ARMSTRONG) SEPT. 25, 2019; (FINNERTY) OCT. 4, 2019; (MARTEL) OCT. 7, 2019. DEMAND PERFECTION FROM EACH

OTHER. BUT WE DO HAVE THE
RIGHT TO EXPECT PROGRESS.

–Naomi Klein, IN HER BOOK ON FIRE: THE (BURNING) CASE FOR

A GREEN NEW DEAL

The hard truth Food is a very emotional thing for me. I do
is that in almost come from a pretty dysfunctional family, and
every civilization we weren’t very good at communicating, but
women have been when we would have meals together, that was
deemed to be
secondary, and the time when we would get along.
it’s an idea that’s
–Queer Eye’s Antoni Porowski, ON CBC RADIO’S Q
become so
ingrained that it’s Go back to where I came
been recorded as from, you say? But
a biological truth.
The cost of such houses are so expensive
in Toronto now!
an error in our
history is –Calgary mayor Naheed
staggering. Nenshi, IN THE CALGARY HERALD

–Journalist I DON’T MAKE MUCH MONEY—I AM
DIPPING INTO MY SAVINGS. BUT FOR THE
Sally Armstrong, FIRST TIME IN MY ADULT LIFE, I AM NOT

DURING A MASSEY LECTURE TIME-POOR. I AM TIME-RICH.
– Mike Finnerty ON TAKING A

BREAK FROM RADIO TO BECOME A CHEESEMONGER

Words are as close to
immortality as you’ll ever get.

–Author Yann Martel, IN THE WALRUS

rd.ca 25



reader’s digest

HEALTH

Take a Long, M ORE THAN TWO decades ago,
Hard Look Pfizer changed the game for
men with the erectile dys-
Erectile dysfunction is easy to function remedy Viagra. In 2017, the
treat, but should be assessed company’s patent on the “little blue
pill” expired, and the market changed
for underlying causes dramatically again. Pfizer introduced
its own generic version at half the price
BY Vanessa Milne of the original, and more competitors
also came onto the market. Viagra and
illustration by meredith sadler other similar pills are now incredibly
easy to get: in some U.K. pharmacies,
you can get a version of Viagra over the
counter; in the U.S., many people buy
it online.

The potential demand for these pills
is huge. According to the Massachu-
setts Male Aging Study—the first large-
scale investigation of erectile dysfunc-
tion—more than half of men between
the ages of 40 and 70 sometimes suffer
from the conition.

But that doesn’t mean it’s an
unavoidable part of aging. “Older men

rd.ca 27

reader’s digest

who are in good health can still have long-term ones—often see a rapid
good erections,” says Dr. Guy T’Sjoen, improvement if they quit.
head of the Department of Endocrin-
ology and Center for Sexology and And of course, medication is always
Gender at Ghent University Hospital an option. Drugs like Viagra (a.k.a.
in Belgium. sildenafil) work by helping the muscles
in the penis relax. That lets in more
Instead, erectile dysfunction is often blood and results in a natural erection
a sign of an underlying issue. The most in response to being sexually stimu-
serious ones are heart disease, diabetes lated (just popping the pill alone won’t
and high blood pressure. Today, blood do it). But sildenafil has to be taken an
isn’t flowing to the penis, but a few hour before sex and only works for the
years from now, it might not be flowing next four hours, which some users
to the heart. A 2018 study found that don’t like because it means you have to
men with erectile dysfunction were time intercourse accordingly.
twice as likely to have a heart attack or
stroke over the next four years. Another popular drug is tadalafil—
sold as Cialis—which doesn’t have
39% those same time limitations. “We call
it the weekend pill because it works
OF 40-YEAR-OLDS for 36 hours,” says T’Sjoen. “If you
HAVE ERECTILE take it Friday afternoon, it’s still work-
DYSFUNCTION. ing Friday and Saturday night.” For
even more flexibility, a lower-dose ver-
That’s why a doctor will often test for sion can be taken daily.
these conditions before looking to other
common culprits: medications, such as In addition to medications, T’Sjoen
SSRI antidepressants and blood thin- says he always advises men to also
ners, or hormonal imbalances, such as speak to a psychologist about perfor-
a thyroid issue or low testosterone. mance anxiety, since it often develops
during a period of erectile dysfunction.
Erectile dysfunction can also be
caused by an unhealthy lifestyle: obes- And he reminds men to not be shy
ity, smoking and inactivity all increase about bringing up problems with their
your risk. The good news is that weight doctors. The drug treatments are easy
loss and exercise programs have been and effective, and you don’t want to
proven to help, and smokers—even miss a larger issue. “Having an erection
is a sign of good mental and physical
health, and if you have erectile dys-
function, it’s a warning sign,” he says.
“We really encourage men to talk to
their GP—it may be a lifesaver.”

28 march 2020

ISTOCK.COM/PK-PHOTOS News from the Dermatological
Conditions Not
WORLD OF Just Skin Deep

BY Samantha Rideout Psychological support
isn’t usually part of car-
DOGS HEAL HEARTS ing for skin problems
such as acne or vitiligo,
If you have a dog, you’ve likely given up on late but it should be, accord-
mornings. In addition to forcing us to get daily exer- ing to the dermatolo-
cise, dogs ward off loneliness and depression: we call gists recently surveyed
them our best friend for good reason. These factors by the British Skin
seem to make a difference to the health of people Foundation (BSF).
recovering from a cardiovascular event. In a Swed- “Skin conditions can be
ish study where subjects were followed for up to burdensome for a num-
12 years, heart-attack survivors who lived alone but ber of reasons, such
owned a dog had their risk of death reduced by 33 as the pain they cause
per cent compared to solitary non-dog-owners. Even or the long-term treat-
among subjects who lived with other people, dogs ment regimes they
still lowered the mortality risk by 15 per cent. A sim- require,” says Andrew
ilar pattern was seen among stroke survivors, too. Thompson, a BSF
spokesperson and a
professor of clinical
psychology at Cardiff
University. Psycho-
logical treatment can
address emotional and
behavioural reactions
that sometimes aggra-
vate skin conditions,
such as stress or
scratching. “It can also
improve quality of life,”
Thompson says, “for
example, by building
confidence to return
to previously avoided
activities or work.”

rd.ca 29

reader’s digest

Light Smoking, The Healthy
Not-So-Light Humility
Consequences Hypothesis

On average, today’s Colitis and Crohn’s “Humility” is some- (CIGARETTES) ISTOCK.COM/ALTAYB; (TOILET PAPER) ISTOCK.COM/CHINNASORN PANGCHAROEN
smokers light up less Disease on the Rise times used as a polite
often than in years past. synonym for poor self-
Unfortunately, a light The number of people esteem, but for psychol-
smoking habit tends to with inflammatory ogists, it means some-
be only a bit less harm- bowel disease (IBD) thing different: a
ful than a heavier one. may be three times relatively accurate view
In an American study higher than previously of your own abilities,
with over 25,000 partic- thought, according to biases and limitations—
ipants, smoking fewer research presented at and an interpersonal
than five cigarettes a United European Gas- orientation that’s more
day was associated with troenterology Week focused on others than
lung-function decline 2019. By analyzing Brit- yourself. According to
at 68 per cent of the rate ish data, Dr. Dominic a review led by Daryl R.
measured among sub- King estimated that Van Tongeren of Michi-
jects smoking 30 per since 2000, the preva- gan’s Hope College, it’s a
day or more. In other lence of ulcerative coli- trait that’s been associ-
words, a light smoker tis and Crohn’s disease ated with better relation-
could lose about as rose by 55 per cent and ships, higher life satis-
much lung function in a 83 per cent, respect- faction, more openness
year as a heavy smoker ively. He spots various to others and a greater
could lose in nine factors: “Life expect- willingness to learn and
months. This suggests ancy is increasing in improve. There’s also
that all smokers, even general—but also in evidence that adopting
“social” ones, suffer a people with IBD,” says a humble and repentant
lot less pulmonary King. “It suggests there’s attitude when you’ve
damage by quitting better management of wronged someone can
altogether. the condition.” Detect- lead to better emotional
ing, treating and moni- and cardiac regulation,
toring IBD is important possibly because it
because sufferers have opens the door to seek-
an increased risk of ing forgiveness from the
colorectal cancer. other person and/or
forgiving yourself.

ISTOCK.COM/MALERAPASO Easing Dementia-Related Agitation and Survival Improving
Aggression Without Drugs for Advanced
Melanoma
As well as memory problems, dementia patients
also experience neuropsychiatric symptoms such Melanoma that has
as depression, apathy, anxiety, aggression or agita- metastasized (spread
tion. The last two of these issues affect about a from the skin to other
quarter of people with dementia who live at home parts of the body) is a
and an even higher percentage of those living in deadly cancer. Just a
nursing homes. To identify the most effective ways decade ago, the odds of
of managing them, Dr. Jennifer Watt of Toronto’s St. living for five years after
Michael’s Hospital recently co-authored an analy- a diagnosis were only
sis of more than 160 studies. one in 20. Now, thanks
to a new group of drugs,
Although antipsychotic medications are often the outlook for mela-
used to calm people with dementia, certain non- noma sufferers is look-
pharmacological treatments, including massage ing much better. In a
and touch therapy, came out on top. “In fact, in our trial published in The
primary analysis, it was only non-pharmacological New England Journal of
interventions that were found to be better than the Medicine, over half the
routine, everyday help subjects already receive,” patients who received
says Watt. When her team looked at physical forms a combination of two
of aggression, outdoor activities like gardening immunotherapy medi-
generally brought more improvement than anti- cations, ipilimumab and
psychotics. And within nursing-home settings, nivolumab, were alive
musical therapy and cognitive stimulation helped. after five years—includ-
ing some melanoma
Moreover, these steps patients who didn’t stay
carry fewer risks than on the treatment for
drugs. “Antipsychotics long because of side
have been associated with effects. Immunothera-
increased risk of death, pies, which unfortu-
falling, fractures, pneumo- nately don’t work for
nia—all sorts of outcomes every cancer as well as
we’d like to avoid,” says they do for melanoma,
Watts. “I think this study help the immune sys-
provides some of the tem to recognize and
strongest evidence to date attack tumours.
that we should be trying
non-drug treatments first.”

rd.ca 31

reader’s digest

HEALTH

WHAT’S WRONG
WITH ME?

BY Lisa Bendall

illustration by victor wong

THE PATIENT: Rosa*, a 42-year-old while, the busy mother of two young
stay-at-home mom boys was able to carry on with her day-
THE SYMPTOMS: Severe pain in to-day life. But over the next several
both hands years, her hands got weaker. Unexpect-
THE DOCTOR: Dr. Isaac Shturman edly, a book or mug would drop from
Sirota, cosmetic and reconstructive her fingers. The pain gradually inten-
surgeon at Angeles Lomas Hospital in sified until it was overwhelming.
Mexico City, Mexico
“My hands felt as if they were burn-
R OSA FIRST NOTICED a mild, ing,” Rosa recalls. A routine task, like
prickling pain in her right hand activating the turn signal on her car,
in 2006. The joints in her ring and became agonizing. “In the night, I
pinky fingers were stiff and her hand would cry in pain,” she says. Rosa went
felt swollen, even though it looked nor- from one specialist to the next. They all
mal. A few months later, the same sore- ran tests, always with the same result:
ness started in her left hand. For a long nothing seemed to be wrong.

*BIOGRAPHICAL DETAILS HAVE BEEN CHANGED. Discomfort in the fourth and fifth
fingers is a typical sign of irritation and
compression somewhere along the

32 march 2020

ulnar nerve, which runs from the elbow, the backs of her hands against each
where we know it as the “funny bone,” other (called the Phalen manoeuvre),
to the hand. It can develop after repeti- it brought on more of the same pain.
tive bending of the elbow, or even the
constant pressure of hands against Shturman Sirota believed she needed
the handlebars of a bike. Most of the surgery. “I don’t really care about the
time, ulnar-nerve compression can be tests,” he says, “because many times I
fixed with surgery. have seen positive tests where there’s
no problem and negative tests where
Usually, however, the condition there is a problem.”
causes some degree of numbness in
the fingers—Rosa had only pain— ROSA WAS ANXIOUS
and, when she underwent a nerve- ABOUT SURGERY ON
conduction test to diagnose compres- HER HANDS: “I WAS
sion, it came back negative. AFRAID SOMETHING
WOULD GO WRONG.”
Rosa’s doctors prescribed anti-
inflammatory medications to try to ease The doctor had to convince his ner-
her agony, but they didn’t help. The pain vous patient that this was the right
only went away when she wore rigid course of action. “I had basically no
wrist splints. “Everyone kept telling me choice, but I didn’t like the idea,” says
I was fine, that nothing was abnormal Rosa, who has intense anxiety before
in my tests,” she says, even though she and after medical procedures. “I was
could barely use her hands anymore. “I afraid something would go wrong.
was sad and in so much pain. I thought After all, we’re talking about hands.”
I was going to stay like that forever.” It didn’t help when her doctor admit-
ted he wasn’t at all sure what he was
Ten years after the onset of her symp- going to find.
toms, in the summer of 2016, Rosa
made an appointment with Dr. Isaac A few weeks later, Shturman Sirota
Shturman Sirota, a surgeon at Angeles operated on Rosa’s right wrist. It looked
Lomas Hospital in Mexico City who had almost perfectly normal inside. “I didn’t
treated other members of her family. find any segment of the nerve that had
Even though Rosa’s testing didn’t indi- changes from compression,” he says.
cate a compression, Shturman Sirota The only irregularity was a benign fatty
couldn’t help noting evidence of one: tumour, or lipoma, barely a millimetre
the weakness in her hands and a prickly wide, nestled against the ulnar nerve.
feeling when the doctor tapped her
wrist—a sign that the nerve was irri-
tated. Also, when Rosa kept her wrists
flexed for several seconds by pressing

rd.ca 33

reader’s digest

He removed it and sent it for examina- In this case, they had made the fatty
tion, guessing it was causing the symp- tumour extraordinarily sensitive.
toms. Even though the tumour looked
too tiny to have much impact, there Shturman Sirota can’t guess why
was no other explanation. this happened to Rosa. In some very
rare cases, Pacinian corpuscles have
TUMOURS IN ROSA’S been known to grow abnormally after
HANDS HAD UNUSUAL an injury, such as a dog bite on a fin-
ger. But its discovery in Rosa was even
STRUCTURES WITH odder. “We didn’t find anything about
THEIR OWN NERVE this in the literature,” he says. Five
months later, when his patient had
ENDINGS. summoned the courage for another
surgery, he removed a matching lipoma
The theory seemed bolstered by the from Rosa’s left wrist.
fact that, after surgery, Rosa was trans-
formed. Within 24 hours, her symp- The story may not be over. Although
toms were 90 per cent improved, and Rosa’s initial symptoms haven’t
they continued to diminish as she returned, at the end of last year she
recovered. “The pain was completely noticed a prickling soreness in the
gone,” she says. She also regained her thumb, index and middle finger of
strength in the hand. both hands. “My fingers aren’t hurting
with the same intensity, and I haven’t
It was the surprising pathology report, lost any strength, nor is it bothering me
two days after the surgery, that told the every day,” Rosa says. “But that’s how
full story. Under a microscope, this lit- it all started last time.”
tle lipoma was far from ordinary. It was
actually covered in Pacinian corpuscles, Shturman Sirota suspects that Rosa
highly sensitive structures with nerve now has Pacinian corpuscles on her
endings. These are normally found in median nerve, a different part of the
our skin to enhance our sense of touch. arm, and may need more surgery. At
least it’s no longer a medical mystery—
and, thankfully, he knows how to treat
it successfully.

Rebirth All Over Again

We think that the point is to pass the test or to overcome the problem,
but the truth is that things don’t really get solved.
They come together and they fall apart.

PEMA CHODRON, BUDDHIST NUN

34 march 2020

How Much Do You Know
About Pneumonia?

ou may be aware that pneumonia is an infec- tions is to be more proactive about vaccination in
tion of the lungs with a range of causes. You general, from the flu to shingles to pneumonia.”
may know that it was responsible for over 100,000
emergency room visits in Canada in 2017-2018 and Informed is empowered when it
that it can be life-threatening. But, do you know that comes to vaccination
we have tools available that can help to prevent it? For pneumonia prevention, we have two types of
Is that enough to make you take action? pneumococcal vaccines available for use in adults
“The reason why I’m afraid of pneumonia as a 65 and over. But it’s not an either-or scenario. For
disease is because it affects your breathing and it can those over 50, and for those with high risk of invasive
progress very quickly,” says University of Toronto pneumococcal disease, an earlier discussion is also
family doctor and immunization expert Dr. Vivien worthwhile.
Brown. “It can be a rapid-onset, deadly disease.”
Pneumonia can affect anyone of any age, but In order to help protect yourself, the most
adults over 50 and those living with chronic dis- important thing is to begin a dialogue with your
eases can be particularly vulnerable. “Chronic health care providers about what’s available and
disease doesn’t just mean those at highest risk like what’s recommended. “I’m a big proponent of
transplant patients and people who are immuno- people taking control of their own health,” says
suppressed,” explains Dr. Brown. “It also means Boivin. “So, I encourage everyone to talk to their
people with chronic conditions like diabetes, physician or pharmacist about pneumonia. There
COPD, heart disease, asthma, and other common are strategies we can use to reduce the overall risk.
conditions like these.” Just start the conversation.”

The elephant in the emergency room D.F. McCourt
Because pneumonia can worsen so quickly, and
because it’s often intertwined with other illnesses, Vaccination does not protect 100% of those immunized and cannot
it may not create the same emotional response that prevent complications, hospitalization or death after the onset of
drives public support and awareness around other disease. Side effects and allergic reactions can occur.
diseases. This can keep discussion of pneumonia
out of the spotlight, and that itself can lead to an This article was made possible with support from Pfizer Canada.
underestimation of risk.

“We don’t talk about pneumonia enough, prob-
ably because it’s an acute condition,” says Michael
Boivin, a pharmacist with 17 years of primary care
experience who now focuses on health care edu-
cation, particularly surrounding immunization.

Seniors may experience serious functional
declines and a loss of independence following a
pneumonia hospitalization. As we grow older,
our immune systems weaken, making proactive
prevention through vaccination an important
component of our health.

“Even if you do survive the disease, you could
be left with decreased function, says Dr. Brown.
“We’ve got an aging population that’s still very
healthy and they want to remain independent. One
of the most effective ways to help prevent infec-

reader’s digest

COVER STORY

FU NN IE STCANADA’SHAHHAA HHAAHA

FAMILY
VACATIONS
peTprpueertsaalensdoaflhl-iojiuntkhsi,lharoitty

illustrations by sam island

rd.ca 37

reader’s digest

I’M RAISING A BARFLY time for “Sip ’n’ Sail,” where he planted
himself on a bar stool and ordered
BY LEAH RUMACK Shirley Temples. A river cruise means
travelling on a small ship, and there
My eight-year old son, Ben, is obsessed were only about five spots at the bar in
with sitting at bars. He loves nothing total, but that was his seat.
more than to have a drink while perched
on a stool. It could be because his dad At the end of our trip, when we
is a craft-beer nerd—and Ben wants to passed through Canadian customs,
do everything that Daddy does. But the the agent didn’t believe us when we
only times Ben is somewhere where told her we didn’t buy anything while
kids are allowed to sit at the bar is we were away. So she turned to Ben
when we’re on vacation at a resort or and asked: “What about you? Did they
on a cruise. That boy has sampled all buy you anything?”
the best virgin cocktails from Mexico
to Amsterdam. “Just a lot of cocktails!” he replied.

Last summer, we took a river cruise BEWARE THE PEPPER
down the Rhine, and despite the fact
that we were surrounded by castles BY STACY LEE KONG
and incredible medieval towns, Ben’s
favourite part of the experience was Every summer, my family takes a day
the nightly cocktail hour. Every even- trip to Turkey Point, a beach in Nor-
ing, he made sure we were right on folk County, Ont. A motley—or at least

loud—crew of parents, siblings,
kids and in-laws, we try to make
these excursions feel like beach
days in Trinidad, where we’re from.
We always have pelau, a meat-and-
rice dish that somehow became
the traditional beach meal for the
entire country. A true Trinidadian,
my auntie Pat always adds a whole
hot pepper to the pot.

Well, one year, the inevitable
happened. My brother-in-law Dave
is not Trini—he’s white and was
born in Canada … and he’s not a
fan of spicy food. That’s why we
made sure to warn him not to eat

the pepper. And he said, “I know not But a ski vacation is only as good as
to eat the pepper!” the ski conditions, and that January was
spring-like. To make matters worse,
And then? He accidentally ate the our rented cabin was close to the ski
pepper. hills but far from anything else. There
was no Internet, and the only enter-
For a second, we were all frozen, tainment was a few board games and
watching in shock as his eyes watered a single television.
and his face turned sunburn red.
Then everyone started talking at once. For a couple of days, while we
I have never seen so many grown waited for the snow to fall, we watched
adults say so much and accomplish endless hours of CNN (mom’s choice)
so little. I started googling remedies and SpongeBob SquarePants (my six-
for spicy food, as if milk or bread were year-old niece’s), played Scrabble and
going to magically turn up on the drank. Cabin fever set in quickly. At
beach. My mum was trying to force one point, my mom literally fought my
him to drink water, even though we niece for the remote control, even sit-
all knew it wouldn’t really help. And ting on her to wrest it from her hands.
my sister Sharon, Dave’s wife, was My brother-in-law was downing a bot-
laughing hysterically while she sliced tle of port and a bottle of white wine
up an avocado in hopes that its creamy nightly. Amazed, but also alarmed, Liz
qualities would act like milk and soothe
the burn. Luckily, it did help.

And guess who never ate a pepper
again?

“WHAT IS WRONG
WITH YOUR FAMILY?!”

BY JASON McBRIDE

After my girlfriend, Liz, and I had
dated for about a year, and a few years
before we got married, she joined me,
my parents and my sister’s family on a
ski trip in Stowe, Vermont. I was in my
late 30s, it was the first family vacation
I’d been on in years, and it was the first
such holiday Liz had ever taken with
my relatives.

rd.ca 39

reader’s digest

confronted me in our bedroom: “What bathroom, and a view of a brick wall.
is wrong with your family?” I remember But we could swim in the Mediterra-
well her crazed laughter as she said it. nean and tour the Sagrada Familia, so
we didn’t mind. It was our last hurrah
Then it snowed, but only at the top before becoming parents.
of the mountain—a very tall and fear-
some peak. We scrambled, drove to the The hotel was just off the main tour-
lift, took it up. But as we climbed higher ist drag, on a dark, narrow alley. One
into quiet, dense cloud, Liz began to evening, as we were walking back from
look uneasy, then terrified. When I eating tapas, a boy of about 16 struck
asked her what was wrong, she revealed up a conversation. He wanted to know
that her skiing experience was … lim- where we were from and whether we
ited. “I’ve only ever been on a bunny liked Barcelona. It was obvious to me
hill,” she said, clutching my arm. “A that his false friendliness was leading
bunny hill!” The lift let us off at the to a scam or unwanted advance of some
summit of a double-black-diamond sort, so I refused to engage and walked
ski run in the middle of a snowstorm. more quickly. But my partner allowed
himself to be enveloped in a chummy
My family, with nary a look back, shoulder embrace and ended up a few
disappeared down the hill. Liz got off metres behind me.
the lift, just barely, and then, two falls
later, took off her skis and promptly got When I looked back to urge him to
back on the lift, taking it back down to hurry up, I saw the two of them locked
the lodge and the relative safety of a in an awkward sort of dance. They had
large glass of wine. one arm and one leg wrapped around
each other and were both hopping on
Did I say it was her first vacation with their one free foot. I realized that the
my family? It was also her last. boy had my partner’s wallet in his free
hand and was trying to hold it out of
THE PICKPOCKET sight behind his back.
DANCE
Without another thought, I ran over
BY CATHERINE STINSON to try to grab back the wallet. The boy
saw me coming and tossed it to one of
When I was seven-and-a-half months his buddies, who were hanging around
pregnant with our first child, my part- nearby. I continued to very pregnantly
ner and I squeezed in a few days of waddle-run over to that young pick-
vacation while in Barcelona for a pocket. It was only when I was standing
work trip. Our hotel was cheap, with in front of him and we locked eyes that I
paper-thin walls, barely enough space finally realized that I was perhaps doing
to walk between the bed and the a foolish thing. Was I going to get into a

40 march 2020

street brawl with a group of teen- three-year-old son James and I rented
age boys, while so pregnant that a cottage in North Hatley, Quebec for
my fists would have reached no the entire month of August. I’d finally
further than my belly stuck out? He live my cottage dream! What could
must have also seen how absurd possibly go wrong?
the situation had become and
tossed the wallet at my feet with a For one thing, James couldn’t swim,
practised nonchalance. I grabbed which wouldn’t have been a problem
it, and the boys scurried away. if he wasn’t such an avid water-sport
enthusiast, hurling himself into any
A small crowd of passersby pool or lake with all the foresight of a
had gathered to watch. Two sex Labrador going after a stick. The first
workers came over to praise my three nights I was so terrified that I
street smarts. made him sleep in his life jacket.

My partner lost a bit of his pride Instead of letting me sit on a dock
in that Spanish alley, but at least with a book and a drink, James wanted
he didn’t lose his wallet. to canoe and kayak, to mountain bike
and windsurf, and play every single
THE PEANUT BUTTER board game on the cottage shelf. The
BAGEL SOLUTION fact that he lacked the cognitive devel-
opment or motor skills to do any of this
BY LEAH McLAREN in no way deterred him from insisting
that he absolutely must. And then
I often imagined the sort of holidays I’d
have when and if I was ever lucky
enough to become a mother. These
fantasies were unspecific, idealized
versions of my own childhood sum-
mers, which mostly occurred on boats
or at cottages in Ontario and Quebec
in the 1980s. In my mind’s eye, I’d skip
over the maternity bathing suits and
squalling infants with heat rash—and
get right to the fun part, where I sat on
a dock, reading a novel and sipping a
gin and tonic while my children frol-
icked joyfully in the water.

A few years later, my dream came
true. Well, sort of. My husband, our

rd.ca 41

reader’s digest

when he tried and found he It was the summer of 1990, and my
couldn’t … the outrage! He howled folks had the inspired idea to spend
and screamed and shook his tiny our week’s holiday making memories
fist at the gods. Why was it so hard while cruising the lakes and canals of
being three? Someone was going to Ontario’s Trent Severn Waterway. My
have to pay. By which, of course, he mom pictured Norman Rockwell.
meant me. The one who’d brought My dad, Captain Ahab.
him on this hellish ordeal known as
a “family vacation.” My parents were not, unfortunately,
adept boaters, and steering a 12-metre
Luckily there was one thing that housing unit into a lock, next to
mollified my toddler: peanut butter million-dollar cruisers, tested their
bagels. So for the rest of the holi- marital vows.
day, that’s all he ate—for breakfast,
lunch and dinner, nothing but pea- “Mary Anne, tether the rope to the
nut butter bagels. Occasionally I’d wall! Our back end is drifting!” my dad
throw in a Popsicle or an ice cream shouted as he manoeuvred us into
sandwich for variety. lock 34, near Fenelon Falls.

In other words, I gave up. I guess you “I’m tethered, Marty! And do you
could say I failed. But guess what? My seriously think I can pull a thousand-
son, who’s now seven, still claims to pound boat by myself?” Each lock was
vividly recall that holiday. “Remember another divorce near miss.
the summer when you let me eat noth-
ing but peanut butter bagels?” he’ll say, One night, we heard a commotion at
sighing nostalgically over his plate of the back of our boat. Was it a great white
steamed broccoli. “That was the best
summer holiday ever.”

HOUSEBOAT FOLLIES

BY MEGAN MURPHY

By the glow of a hurricane lantern, my
dad read another chapter of Moby
Dick to my mom, two sisters and
me—a nightly ritual aboard our rental
houseboat: “I love to sail forbidden
seas and land on barbarous coasts!”
he recited.

42 march 2020

whale? Not quite. A couple of young romantic spot where he and Mom had
hoodlums were attempting to burgle dined as newlyweds.
our yacht! My typically mild-mannered
father gave chase while my mom yelled By that point in our trip, my sister
after him: “And just what do you plan and I were oscillating hourly between
to do if you catch them, Marty?” being the best of friends and the worst
of enemies. As we got out of the car,
They managed to escape, but to my Mom cautioned us: “Now you are both
11-year-old eyes, it was all very heroic. to be on your best behaviour tonight. I
don’t want any scenes!” (She’d used
Another day, we moored on a little her teacher’s voice, and you didn’t
island, romantically assuming it would want to mess with that.) “We’re fine,”
be our own private oasis. “Touch noth- we chirped.
ing and get back on the boat!” my mom
shouted when she realized the island The restaurant’s outdoor terrace was
was covered in poison ivy. pretty full, mostly with couples chat-
ting quietly across candlelit tables. The
The following morning, my dad hostess sat us at a spot right in the
backed the boat into a rock shelf, break- middle and handed us each a giant
ing the propeller. Fortuitously, he had menu. We were the only family there.
“packed” a canoe, which was hauled Mom and Dad exchanged smiles. Mom
down from the top deck. My older sis- leaned over her menu and whispered:
ter and I paddled with him to shore for “Isn’t this nice?”
prop assistance, leaving my mom and
younger sister behind to say the rosary. My sister shrugged. I got up to find
the washroom. The hostess guided me
The houseboat, and all five crew, to a door of the main building and told
made it through the week in one piece, me I’d find the restroom upstairs. The
(not counting the half prop). The vaca- stairs were dark, and they took a couple
tion didn’t go as planned, but my par- of turns before I finally made my way
ents did get what they wanted—a trip to the top. I opened a door and stepped
worth remembering! into a brightly lit bathroom. I realized I
had the place to myself, far away from
TOILET TOSCA the diners. I needed relief, and I needed
it fast. I just had to let it out.
BY CRAIG BAINES
It’s not what you’re thinking.
When my sister was 13 and I was nine, You see, for the past week, a jingle for
Mom and Dad took us to Barbados, a leading brand of Canadian bathroom
where they had honeymooned 20 years tissue had been rattling around in my
earlier. One evening, Dad decided to head. The ad praised the gentle texture
take us out for a special supper at a of the three-ply tissue while a model

rd.ca 43

reader’s digest

lightly rubbed her cheek with a whole metropolis of about 400 people.
roll of it. I assumed this was something When I was 15, a family visit coin-
models did in their free time.
cided with a village get-together in their
I stood before the mirror, cleared my backyard. My uncle jokingly asked if
throat and took a deep breath. Rais- “the Canadian” planned on “keeping
ing my arms like an orchestra con- up” with him and his friends. I decided
ductor, I sang at the top of my voice: to show him what I—and the drinkers
“You can feel the cottony softness!” As of my homeland—were made of.
the reverb subsided, I thought, Hmm,
not bad at all. A friend of my cousin’s bought us
beer in town, which we smuggled into
Stepping back onto the terrace, I the party in grocery bags. And then I
noticed a couple watching me as set to it, pounding tallboys behind my
I passed them. When I reached my uncle’s fish hatchery. I don’t know how
family’s table, I sat down and spread many beers I drank. Probably three.
my napkin across my lap. My dad and The last thing I clearly recall is ending
sister were hunched over their menus, up at the bottom of a half-dug well and
hiding their faces. I looked over to Mom. calling for help.
She was glaring at me.
Even after I’d been hauled out of the
“What?” I asked. well, the nadir of my evening had yet to
“Craig, where were you just now?” come. This, I found out later, involved
“Washing my hands,” I said. “In the standing on a chair in the kitchen and,
bathroom.” (Duh.) in front of my grandmother and a room-
“You mean that bathroom?” Mom ful of her fellow senior citizens, peeing
pointed to a window open to the ter- into the sink.
race. My eyes widened.
I looked over to my sister. She rolled Once this was reported to my mom,
her eyes. she swiftly locked me in the airing
“You big dummy,” she said. cupboard for the rest of the night. (I’ll
spare you the barfy details, but I doubt
THE DRINKING CURE that space was ever used for airing
laundry again.)
BY PASHA MALLA
The next day, my uncle was kind. I
Back in the mid-1990s, my aunt and don’t know if he blamed himself or
uncle were living in a thatched-roof not, but late in the afternoon, when I
cottage in England so small and quaint finally crawled out of my cupboard, he
that their actual postal address was took me down to the river to catch a
“Old Farmhouse, Near Stockbridge,” a couple of trout for dinner. I’m sure there
was wine on the table that night, too,
but I stuck to water.

44 march 2020

DOWN TO BUSINESS and said, “No you’re
not.” And you know
what? She was right.

— @STEPHFRANCEX

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world out there. Me: I’m overwhelmed,
Thank goodness I’m a rodent.” dying, too many tasks.
Help! What can be
SUSAN CAMILLERI KONAR HR: What’s your best that I don’t come across done? Will I live this
asset? as manic. Thanks! way forever?
Me: I have a great Me, after replying to
memory. — @KATELIZABEE one email: I’m magnifi-
HR: Give me an example. cent; what a powerful
Me: Of what? My husband is on a workhorse. Time to
work Skype call, so celebrate with a beer—
— @VIKKARONI every few minutes I reward this titan of
silently walk behind industry!
Every email I ever send: him dressed as a new
Hello! I am extremely character from Wicked. — @KRISTEN_ARNETT
excited to be corres-
ponding with you! You — @LIZ_HACKETT McD’s Misunderstood
can tell by the number Me: Welcome to
of exclamation points I Customer Knows Best McDonald’s. Can I take
use! Here is one sen- I said “Sorry for the your McOrder?
tence with a period so wait” to a customer McDonald’s Boss: Again,
and she turned around you don’t need to put
“Mc” in front of words.
Me: Oh, okay. *Turns
back to customer.* Wel-
come to Donald’s!

— @ARFMEASURES

Are you in need of some
professional motivation?
Send us a work anecdote,
and you could receive
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rd.ca 45

HEART

A severe stroke left
my mother paranoid,
confused and needy.
Just when I was at

my wit’s end, my
child taught me the

joys of patience.

LESSON FROM
A FIVE-YEAR-OLD

BY Leslie Kendall Dye it’s eight o’clock on a cold spring night.
Our apartment has been hit by a cyclone—
FROM THE NEW YORK TIMES the handiwork of an energetic five-year-old.
illustration by lynn scurfield Every bit of furniture is draped with paper
chains, scissors and Scotch tape, modelling
46 march 2020 clay, piles of acorns and party favours.

I’m so tired tonight. I’ve been on crutches
for seven weeks, recovering from hip surgery,
and I’m trying fruitlessly to clean up.

reader’s digest

reader’s digest

The phone rings—for the sixth time visited two days ago!” (Maybe it was
in less than an hour. I know who it is. four days, but she won’t remember
When my mother was 68, a hemor- anyway.) “Mom, you have to believe
rhagic stroke claimed her brain but not me, and even if you don’t, I cannot talk
her life. She awoke from a coma severely anymore! Everything is fine!”
damaged; the bleeding instantly razed
the landscape of her mind. Dementia Silence. Then: “I was only calling
soon built a Gothic fun house of dis- to say hi.”
tortions where coherent architecture
had once stood. I feel the dagger of passive aggres-
sion, which is the only working weapon
She has been manacled inside that in her mental arsenal. My mother con-
mind now for a decade, experiencing tinues, having already forgotten that
psychic distress. I yelled. (Sometimes she does remem-
ber; tonight I luck out.)
My mother is dogged by paranoia:
she thinks she has been kicked out of I AM SOFT INSIDE
her assisted-living facility (not true); AS I WATCH MY
she thinks her daughters have not vis-
ited in months (it has been a few days); KINDERGARTNER
she thinks that her friend Jimmy never HANDLE MY MOTHER
wants to see her again (he calls and WITH SUCH DEFTNESS.
visits weekly).
“But I’m also frantic about some-
Each time she calls, I play a game thing,” she continues. “Do you have
with myself called “How Good of a Per- a minute?”
son Can I Be?” I’ve won five rounds of
the game tonight; I am due for a fall. “No, Mom, I don’t. I can’t again
with this!”
She has no idea that she has repeated
the things she is about to say a million “Why are you yelling?”
times today and a million times yester- I’m yelling because you aren’t my
day. She has no idea that I had surgery, mother; you are a poorly rendered
nor can she recall her own grand- stand-in who cannot help me care for
daughter’s name. She is unaware of my child, or be a grandmother, or even
most of the past, and she drifts in the remember to ask me about my day. I’m
present. Also, she is lonely. yelling because I have talked you off this
ledge five times tonight, and I’m yelling
I hurl my anger at the easiest target: because you remind me of everything I
my mother, the very victim of this fear: aging, sickness, fragility, bad luck,
chance horror.

“Mom!” I yell. “You are not being
removed from your home! And we

48 march 2020