Khuluma December 2017

THE GUIDE THE ACCIDENTAL ADVENTURER

loinsGIRD YOUR
Anthony Sharpe hangs on for dear life

as he discovers a mode of transportation named ‘Enraged Insect Tours South
worthy of the king of the jungle. Africa’ for a reason) have built a

network of platforms in the upper

reaches of the locally-ubiquitous,

colossal and centuries-old

Outeniqua yellowwoods.

Perched 30 metres above

the forest floor, secured to a

thick wire cable by a harness that

Canopy Tours SA rendered my loincloth even less
runs adventures for concealing, I flexed my muscles,
wannabe Tarzans all over the attempted to toss my hair – a
country, from Magoebaskloof in task rendered difficult by the
Limpopo to the Hottentots Holland mandatory safety helmet – and
Nature Reserve just an hour from zipped off through the trees,
Cape Town. There’s also one in the bellowing a mighty yodel that
majestic Malolotja Nature would’ve brought a tear (though
Reserve in Swaziland for the
really adventurous. not necessarily one of joy) to Edgar

canopytour.co.za

‘A aa-iii-aaa-iii-aaa!’ Fewer images Rice Burroughs’ eye.
of man in nature are etched into
pop consciousness as indelibly And let me tell you: Tarzan never had

Tarzan would’ve done far better strapping it so good. Gliding from tree to tree is

on a harness – in fashionable leopard-skin simultaneously exhilarating and sublime,

print, of course – and using ziplines instead. a product of conquering vertigo-inducing

as that of Tarzan, the ape man, swinging You see, unlike vines, which run vertically heights and great distances with

from vine to vine through the trees, (and, if yanked upon, will likely either not improbable ease. The cannibals were Pictures: zetwe/shutterstock.com, Supplied

bellowing forth that mighty and distinctive budge or unleash a hailstorm of insectoid beaten, the apes respected my authority,

yodel of his. Problem is, thick vines of the horrors from their canopy homes), ziplines the creatures of the forest chorused

sort that could support the weight of a run roughly horizontally between trees. in delight at my passing, and the only

tanned, muscular, long-haired underwear To test this theory, I donned my trusty damsels in distress were the mothers

model-turned-savage – called lianas, for loincloth and ventured into the verdant of frightened/horrified children, who

those who care – are plants, anchored in depths of the Tsitsikamma Forest in search shielded their progenies’ eyes as I strode

the ground by roots, and thus unsuitable of an adrenaline rush, some yodelling triumphantly out of the forest, not realising

for acrobatic locomotion through the and perhaps finding a damsel in distress. that removing the harness had torn my

African forest canopy. There, Canopy Tours South Africa (not already flimsy loincloth asunder.

50 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com





EPICUREAN TALES THE GUIDE

W hether it’s the MCC-paired
pleasure of Umhlanga’s East
Coast oysters, the beach
braaied bliss of Cape Town’s apricot-
brushed snoek, or a paper-wrapped, crisp
battered hake and chips parcel in Pretoria,
nothing says ‘South African summer’ like
seafood.

pictures: xxxxxxx taleFISH
The oceans have provided nourishment
since the dawn of human intellect, but DECEMBER 2017 53
we’re rapidly approaching the end of days.
Anna Trapido presents the ‘Clever
Caveman’s Guide to Sustainable Seafood’.

kulula.com

THE GUIDE EPICUREAN TALES

At The Mount
Nelson hotel in Cape
Town, seemingly simple
mackerel - green-listed and
sustainable - is transformed
into a tantalising gourmet
dish (pictured left).

paleao-speak for piles of The country’s
deep and delicious
pre-historic rubbish). relationship
with piscatorial
Turns out that these ancient pleasures makes
the current precarious state
African eaters were dishing up side of our marine ecosystems particularly
poignant. Overfishing and its associated
portions of sophisticated symbolic environmental impacts are evident
everywhere. Many South African linefish
thought with their seafood. Their diet species – the most accessible of our
inshore fish stocks – are overexploited.
was rich in an omega-3 fatty acid known John Duncan, senior manager of the
World Wildlife Fund’s marine programme,
as docosahexaenoic acid (DHA), which recently reported that ‘about 70% of South
Africa’s commercial fish species could
is essential for healthy brain function
be considered collapsed’. He adds that
and development. Archaeologists agree South Africa’s inshore fishing
industry is in crisis and that
In 2007 Scientific American published that symbolism (an important aspect of species such perlemoen
have experienced an
a paper indicating that approximately human cognition that is closely associated almost 90% decline.
Pavs Pillay, consumer
160 000 years ago anatomically-modern with language) is indicated by rock art, awareness manager
at the South African
homo sapiens sapiens (people who looked ritualised burial and personal decoration Sustainable Seafood

like us) migrated to the Cape coast, set (such as jewellery and fragments of body

up camp at the Blombos Cave near Still paint). Those seeking a proudly South

Bay and tucked into a series of seafood African moment should know

suppers. Paleoanthropologists know this that the world’s earliest

because our ancestors were messy eaters examples of all of

and have left behind multiple fish these behaviours

bone and oyster shell-laden have been

middens (that’s posh identified at

Blombos. And

it seems that

we owe it all to

oysters.

54 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com





EPICUREAN TALES THE GUIDE

consumers which

Spare a thought seafood is green,

for the fish we export or sustainable to

overseas. If South African chow down on,
consumers struggle to recognise which orange-
our fish, imagine how much less

familiar foreigners are. SASSI have sister listed seafood

organisations in some countries but they they should
don’t interact directly with international eat only

consumers. Neither China nor India

has a conservation consumer occasionally

platform with which and which
to engage. seafood should

be avoided altogether

Consumers are often ill-equipped to because it is red-listed
recognise fish fibs – especially when the and either considered unsustainable or
product is filleted and frozen. illegal to sell in South Africa. Most of us
have a vague sense of the system but
classifications change and it is important
to check and recheck sustainability status.

SASSI offer an app (sassiapp.co.za) and

Initiative (SASSI) underlines the point when Unless we start to use our capacity for an SMS query service for those facing an

she says ‘kreef – that Cape Christmas sophisticated thought to preserve the unfamiliar fish. Simply type the name of

classic – has gone into precipitous decline’. living treasures in our oceans, we may the fish and send it to 079 499 8795 to

SASSI estimates that a mere 2% of the very soon find out what it means to live receive information.

original stock remains. ‘Unless something in a fishless world. Here are five simple 2. BUY ONLY WHERE
drastic is done, says Pillay, ‘it could sustainable seafood strategies worthy of YOU CAN TRUST
disappear altogether within 5 years.’ Even the clever cavemen we once were. THE LABEL.
our national fish, the galjoen, is now so
endangered that it is illegal to sell. 1. DON’T JUST TALK The SASSI code is great but are you sure
ABOUT IT. ACTUALLY that what you are reading on the label
How could we – the original fish-fuelled USE THE SASSI SYSTEM. or menu is the fish that you are actually
clever clogs – have been so stupid about

seafood? Unsustainable fishing has Almost everyone now knows it exists but buying? In 2011, Stellenbosch scientist Dr

compromised the very ocean heritage how many of us conscientiously use the Donna Cawthorn used various DNA-based

that made us who we are. Since that first WWF-SASSI colour-coded seafood guide? methods to evaluate the extent of South

prehistoric meal, seafood has evolved into This easy-to-use ‘traffic light’ system tells African seafood mislabelling.

every aspect of our lives. Without it we

would all be poorer, both literally

and figuratively.

What is Easter without eating ‘ingelegde’

pickled fish? Eid without prawns? More

to the point, what is babalaas without

bokkoms? Most importantly, seafood

provides affordable and accessible protein

for millions of South Africans. And, in

2016, over 127 000 people made their

living off fishing.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 57

THE GUIDE EPICUREAN TALES

Most of that tuna- and salmon-heavy supermarket
sushi is unsustainable and it tastes terrible – a lot of
work goes into disguising the poor quality fish.

Her work revealed widespread fish species 3. MOVE OUT OF
substitution and fraud. Consumers are YOUR CULINARY
often ill-equipped to recognise fish fibs – COMFORT ZONE.
especially when the product is filleted and
frozen. Many of the commercial species Given how many of our favourite fish are
that are orange- and red-listed (including now listed as orange or red there is a
kabeljou, geelbek, red stumpnose, roman need for conservative customers to step
seabream and carpenter seabream) outside their culinary comfort zones.
were frequently found labelled as other Grahamstown’s Fusion Speciality Store
fish – which is where reliable, trustworthy (pictured right) is owned and run by Rhodes
fishmongers come in. In Cape Town, University-trained ichthyologist Clint
Julie Carter at Ocean Jewels Fresh Welgemoed who offers superbly skilled
Fish in Woodstock (oceanjewels.co.za) eco-epicurean advice and observes that
is a stickler for sustainability. In ‘customers have to get braver and more
Johannesburg, Kirsten Jooste at La creative about trying new things. We have
Marina (lamarinafoods.co.za) is a founder got so stuck eating bland, white fish like
member of the WWF SA retailer supplier kingklip which is great because it holds a
participation scheme. Jooste even sauce well – put garlic butter on it you taste
keeps that most rare of ocean treasures, only garlic and butter – but why are we so
Qwehli – sustainably, organically and resistant to eating fish that taste like fish?
ethically farmed Mozambican delicacies South Africans are generally suspicious
which are ideal for those who like their of oily fish – mackerel, sardines and so
seafood without a side order of antibiotics, forth. Most of that tuna- and salmon-
hormones and child slavery (qwehli.com). heavy supermarket sushi is unsustainable
Superb sustainable sushi too. and it tastes terrible – a lot of work goes
into disguising the poor quality fish:

58 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com



THE GUIDE EPICUREAN TALES

Awards for fine dining are all 5. SUPPORT THE
very well but the unsung UNSUNG HEROES.
heroes of South African
sustainable seafood sales are Awards for fine dining are all very well
the fish and chips shops. but the unsung heroes of South African
sustainable seafood sales are the fish
super-fiery, bright green wasabi, overly determined to find alternatives to and chip shops. Almost invariably they Pictures: bitt24/shutterstock.com, Mary Volvach/shuttterstock.com, mamita/shutterstock.com, Supplied
salty soy and day-glow pink pickled ginger. orange- and red-listed fish and I do,’ he sell only green-listed goodies – hake,
Basically, you are required to build flavour says. ‘I love working with bokkoms snoek and calamari. Yellowtail and the
retrospectively. Who wants that?’ (a local delicacy) but haarder (mullet) is occasional portion of angelfish is as
fusion-foods.co.za the traditional choice for this recipe and it exotic as it gets. All of these are currently
is on the SASSI orange list. So I make mine green-listed – the slight proviso being
4. SEEK INSPIRATION with sustainable maasbanker which that customers should double-check
FROM THE POSH I think actually works even better.’ that the hake they are served is South
NOSH CHEFS. Anyone who has eaten van der Merwe’s African-caught green-listed hake, and not
maasbanker bokkom and pear salad with orange-listed Namibian hake. Everyone
Chef Kobus van der Merwe at Wolfgat in ice plant, dune spinach and sea lettuce has their favourite fish and chips shop.
Paternoster (a past winner of the SASSI tossed with lightly pickled ginger, Vaal Fisheries in Klerksdorp and Fish on
Trailblazer Chef award) says his menu is raw celery and almonds will the Rocks in Hout Bay are both iconic
dominated by sustainable seafood such agree. Those looking
as black mussels, local limpets, cultivated for other chefs with a institutions. KZN consumers adore
oysters and locally farmed dusky kob. ‘I am similar commitment Captain Fine’s Fish Factory
can consult the in Ballito where superb
SASSI website for flaky white hake is
a complete list of enrobed in a beautiful
Trailblazer Chef bouffant crispy
award winners. batter and the chips
wwfsassi.co.za are hot enough to
melt the salt and
drink up lashing of
malt vinegar.

60 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com



SINGING kulula.com

showerIN THE

Aunty Merle is a brand new full-scale musical
about one of Cape Town’s gravity-defying super-
tannies, Merle Abrahams of Athlone. We asked
the show’s creator, Marc Lottering, to pin
the beloved lady down for an inside scoop on
the show. Instead he came back with her best
bathroom tips.

Marc Lottering: For those readers who don’t know you, please
briefly tell us who you are and where you’re from
Aunty Merle: Well firstly I want those readers to know that I forgive
them. I’m Merle Abrahams, from Belgravia Road in Athlone. I’m
proudly Capetonian. My husband Dennis runs a very successful
plumbing business. We live in a freestanding house. A double-storey.
We renovate a lot.
Marc: You say that you are proudly Capetonian. What are your
views on the current water crisis?
Merle: I’m very upset.
Marc: Why?
Merle: Mrs Fredericks from 4th Avenue! Her husband’s car is always
shining and spotless. I mean that’s not right. In the news, they are
always telling us to save water and not to be washing cars. But the
Frederickses have always been a difficult family. Look they’re not
originally from Cape Town which is why they’ve always been slightly
different to the rest of the people here in Athlone. They’re both
teachers, originally from Pacaltsdorp. You can tell them nothing.
Very short fuses. I rather just mind my business and look the other
way. Not all teachers are clever.

62 DECEMBER 2017

BACKSTAGE THE GUIDE

Direct from the
hilarity-packed imagination
of Marc Lottering, Aunty Merle, The
Musical revolves around the intrigue
that follows the announcement that Merle
Abrahams’s daughter is marrying ‘a good-
looking white chap’. With a jealous ex in the
wings, the engagement navigates towards
farce and much fun and musical mayhem
ensues. It’s playing at the Baxter
Theatre, Cape Town, until

13 January 2018.
computicket.com

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 63

THE GUIDE BACKSTAGE

It’s so sad because my garden was my pride and
joy. People can tell what kind of person you are
just by looking at your garden. I mean, just look

at the Parkers who live three doors away.

Marc: So, tell me, Aunty Merle – how we will take care of things financially.
are you saving water? So everything’s already been paid for.
Merle: Oh, our big thing is the shower. Wine farm and everything. We hired
Marc: The shower? that comedian with the woes hair to
Merle: Yes! We try to limit our showers. be the MC. He’s pricy, but worth it.
I have two children. There’s Carl, our Besides, my husband’s business is
son who’s meant to be graduating from doing very well.
UCT this year – but, frankly, I’m not
so sure whether that’s happening Marc: You mentioned that you’ve
because the children have now been been limiting your showers?
carrying on about statues and fees Merle: Oh yes. Because we
and I haven’t seen much studying. are four people at home, we
And then there’s my daughter, now shower very sparingly.
Abigail. She’s getting married in No more than two minutes
a few months. per person. No matter which
Marc: Congratulations! bathroom we use. We have
Merle: To a white chap! three bathrooms. Two
Marc: Oh? downstairs and one upstairs.
Merle: Mind you, I don’t My favourite is the en suite
see colour. They’ve been one downstairs. You think
seeing each other for three it’s a cupboard but then
years. We are all very you open the door and
excited about the big day. it’s not a cupboard – it’s a
The wedding venue is a bathroom! You don’t see
beautiful wine farm in many bathrooms with those
Franschhoek. We are pale peach-coloured tiles.
having 400 guests. Initially the Those tiles have a beautiful
future in-laws had a problem with the pattern on them that
huge guest list, but we explained to makes it look as though the
them that we know very many people. tile is permanently wet. A
So many people have been waiting
all their lives for this wedding. So we very rare design.
told them – the white boy’s parents Marc: So you basically shower less?
– not to be concerned about money: Merle: Yes! I mean, no! No, there’s
much more. It breaks my heart, but of
64 DECEMBER 2017 course we don’t – we can’t – water

kulula.com

Corporate? ITC listed? Low credit score?

C: 081 314 9449 C: 081 240 0395 C: 061 430 0585

COVER STAR BACKSTAGE Make sure that your bathroom is spotless!
That’s what my late mother used to say.
66 DECEMBER 2017
Visitors should want to eat off that
bathroom floor.

the garden. It’s so sad because yes, between you and me, he remarried Words: Marc Lottering, Photographs: Sven Kristian
my garden was my pride and just months after the first wife’s
joy. People can tell what kind of passing, but who are we to judge! Love
person you are just by looking happens when love happens. And how
at your garden. I mean, just fortunate that wife number two was
look at the Parkers who live right there, teaching Sunday school at
three doors away. They have his church.
a lovely property – but that Marc: So what will you do in Cape
garden was wild and looked like Town over the festive season?
a desert long before the water Merle: We will probably entertain a
restrictions. I think that says all lot at home. You know, people come
you need to know about their in and out of our Belgravia Road home
very messy divorce late last year. all day. My door is always open. And
My garden, on the other hand, my fridge is always full. That’s the way
was always very soft and elegant. we were reared. You must never be
caught off guard. ‘Make sure that your
My lawn was like a carpet. And ours is bathroom is spotless!’ That’s what
such a happy household. my late mother used to say. ‘Visitors
Marc: And where will you be should want to eat off that bathroom
spending your festive season, floor.’ So I believe to this day that when
Aunty Merle? people leave my home, they must be
Merle: Ag, because of the wedding, well fed and have nothing bad to say.
we are going to take it easy and not go Marc: Won’t you at least spoil
away this year. Not that money is an yourself and spend some days on
issue, but we just feel that we want to the beach?
stay in Cape Town this year. Merle: Oh, yes! I do love to put my feet
Marc: Where do you usually go? in the water. But not on New Year’s Day
Merle: Durban. We’ve been going there or Boxing Day. Then the beaches are
for years. My husband’s best friend is a too busy for me. Full of rowdy people
pastor in Durban. So they always look who have refilled their cooldrink
after us very nicely when we’re there. bottles with heavens-knows-what! And
A gem of a man. Second wife. She’s then it gets out of hand. Not how I was
much younger than him but we get raised! No, Dennis and I will probably
along so well. She can’t get enough of take a drive to Hout Bay, get some
my lemon meringue! And that girl can hake and slaptjips, and go for a walk on
cook! That’s why I say you can’t just the beach, somewhere quiet.
judge people at face value. Because,

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BACKSTAGE THE GUIDE

pictures: xxxxxxxahoy!ADVENTURE,
Dpuatrnebtlaolnsmutihmseaeab,troSeuintdbihariedsctnthoeerw,SSsateielaovfrea.rninSgt,esawda, shbuckling
DECEMBER 2017 69
The original story of Sinbad the Sailor
is part of the One Thousand and One
Nights collection of tales, also referred to
as Arabian Nights. Sinbad’s story is told
in seven parts, detailing seven different
voyages that the famous mariner
embarked on.
Our pantomime explores some of the
more iconic incidents and encounters
from those voyages, such as the Old Man
of the Sea, the mighty Roc, a huge whale
with an island on its back, the Valley of
Diamonds and its giant serpents.

kulula.com

THE GUIDE BACKSTAGE

characters on HARDER WATERS

board, too. Aside from Among the most artistically
challenging ice shows yet staged,
Sinbad himself, there’s the Genie of Cinderella on Ice arrives in
Joburg for the summer.
the Seven Seas who is the traditional force
e globe-trotting Imperial Ice
of good in our tale. Then there’s Stars use a stage of water frozen
to minus 15 degrees Celsius on
the pirate king Long John which to retell classic stories
through the medium of ice
Sinbad the Sailor Slither and his motley dancing. Exquisite choreography
means that their shows bring
stars Lyle Buxton (left) as crew – Sinbad ends athleticism and storytelling
together, and incorporate some
Sinbad, Bryan Hiles as Dame up sailing with them skating feats that are only ever
Donna Kebab, Darren King as on their ship, the usually seen in Olympic arenas.
Long John Slither, Belinda Henwood
eir routines include high
as Morgiana the Magnificent, and Salty Sultana. They speed throws and incredible
li sequences, and their new
Amanda Kunene as Princess Marina. go through storms show – Cinderella on Ice –
It’s at the Elizabeth Sneddon at sea, and narrowly
Theatre in Durban until incorporates special e ects
such as re and rain and
7 January. miss being capsized
ight, so there’s plenty of
computicket.co.za by a giant whale, so spectacle and visual delight.

there is a lot of action on e show’s costumes are
created by the head designer
deck! The stage crew will be of Moscow’s Stanislavsky eatre,
and back-projections are used to
very busy throwing foam and fish from create the Siberian town square
in which the action unfolds.
the wings and making the stage e cast of 24 includes Olympic
and other world-class skaters,
We’ve woven these tales together to look as though it is rocking in many of whom have trained in
Russia since they were barely
tell an original, quest-based narrative, the water. knee-high. eir reinterpretation
of Cinderella tells the tale of a
about Sinbad preventing the forces of evil We hope the audience chorus dancer who becomes a
prima ballerina whose dancing
from getting control of the Black Pearl of doesn’t get sea sick! prowess enchants the most
eligible bachelor in town.
Power hidden in the Temple of Disting, on Since the story plays Teatro at Montecasino, Joburg,
until 6 January; Artscape Opera,
the Island of Oonoze. It’s a jolly good romp out in Arabia, we thought Cape Town, 10-28 January 2018,
computicket.com.
with plenty of adventure and fun. we would look to India for

Audiences are in for a few surprises, inspiration around the costumes

some of which I dare not give away. At and music – we wanted to include the

the end of Act One, we have a pretty similarly rich colours and the rhythms and

spectacular scene that includes dancing vibrant motifs. And so we thought

Diamond Spirits, two giant snake it would be fun to give the show

puppets, and the huge eagle-like Bollywood flavour – especially

character, Roc, carrying our hero when it comes to the music, the

and his dippy family to safety. Bollywood influence will be

This being a show about a obvious. Apart from one or

legendary sailor, the sea two actual Bollywood songs

plays a central role, and dance numbers, we are

with plenty of maritime giving several songs

The stage crew will be very busy throwing foam
and fish from the wings. We hope the audience
doesn’t get sea sick!

70 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com



THE GUIDE BACKSTAGE There is a fabulous quick change Interview: Keith Bain, Pictures: Val Adamson, supplied.
when our villain, Morgiana the
72 DECEMBER 2017 Magnificent, transforms into the
wizened Old Man of the Sea.

an Indian or
Arabian drum beat.
Imagine ‘Diamonds
Are Forever’ with a
driving Indian drum riff
under it. Exciting stuff!
And also great for dancing.
Our most difficult scene
is the flight on the back of the Roc. We
can’t actually lift a puppet of that size
carrying three actors off the stage, so my
challenge as director is to make it look as
though they are taking off. I have a plan
with smoke and mirrors… let’s hope
it works!
As always, we have some dazzling
costumes, and there is a fabulous quick
change when our villain, Morgiana the
Magnificent, transforms into the wizened
Old Man of the Sea. It’s going to be a real
treat witnessing the very gorgeous Belinda
Henwood go from high status diva to
drooling old sleazebag in a matter of just a
few seconds.
And, finally, what would a pantomime
be without the Dame, a character who
is traditionally cross-dressed? This
year, Bryan Hiles is playing his very
first Dame – Sinbad’s mother,
Dame Donna Kebab. She is
a dairy owner. She runs
Baghdad’s best Dromedairy,
and is a purveyor of the
finest camel cheese this side
of the Euphrates.

kulula.com





m udDUST TURNS TO SEE THE MUSIC THE GUIDE

It’s that time of year again: there
are so many parties and festivals
across the country, you’ll be lucky
to hear yourself think this summer.
If you are aiming to be on the
dancefloor, you might as well have
water close at hand. Here’s our
pick of the season’s H2O-themed
music events.

WITH (OR WITHOUT) A PADDLE

Set on the banks of (and also in) the Breede River, Up the Creek has magically retained
its old school atmosphere and all-embracing attitude (they even tolerate hipsters) and
does a great job of mixing up its line-ups at the various stages so you get some dance
DJs, and pop and folk acts to go with a steady dose of truly decent rock. And everyone
who goes has a chance to spend virtually the entire day floating, wallowing, paddling
or drifting on the river. Not only is it the best place to stay cool even when the sun’s
threatening to melt your lilo, but there’s daytime entertainment from the Savanna River
Stage on the water’s edge. Just don’t forget your cozzie, your sunscreen, and something
that floats to lay on. 25–28 January 2018, upthecreek.co.za

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 75

THE GUIDE SEE THE MUSIC

LET THERE BE rhythms, notch parties since 1994. This
(CEASELESS) BASS high-energy year’s long list of acts includes
sounds and Cape Town-based Headroom (aka
Summer’s Vortex Open Source festival layered melodies Adam Metcalfe), one of the hardest-
is essential for devotees of the persistent with high-tempo riffs. Or working DJ-producers in the business.
thud-thump-boom underscoring doef-doef to the uninformed. Appropriately Plus there’ll be a string of international
psychedelic trance music. The annual set in a tranquil location outside and local DJs to keep the dancefloor
camp-where-you-party jol has evolved Riviersonderend (Endless River), with a pumping at full-steam. Vortex is scheduled
into a five-day hedonistic therapy session pretty river to jump into between dance to tie in with the summer solstice, so
centred on music characterised by the sessions, Vortex is literally the godfather bring your dreams – and don’t forget your
ceaseless pounding of an idiosyncratic of South African psychedelic trance swimming gear. 7–11 December,
resonated bass beat overlaid with festivals, and has been delivering top- vortextranceadventures.co.za
arrangements of wildly eclectic synthetic

HEAR THE DRAGON’S ROAR

Inspired by Goldfish, David Scott (pictured left) combined his classical music
training with a natural flare for electronic house – his two-man outfit, The
Kiffness, combines saxophone with energetic synth sounds, groovy melodies
and powerful bass kicks, clever lyrics and golden voices to produce danceable,
energising songs. The Kiffness will appear on the Electric Jungle stage
at Smoking Dragon, a three-day New Year’s festival in the Drakensberg
Mountains, in the shadow of the Amphitheatre, not far from the highest
waterfall in Africa. The diverse assortment of acts includes Nonku Phiri,
Moonchild Sanelly, Boo! and Bombshelter Beast. The festival is designed to
give party-goers a chance to engage with the surrounding area, so there are
trips to Tugela Falls, fat-bike tours of the
foothills, MTB trails, chopper
rides and other adventures
– or you can just plonk
yourself in a rock pool
or mountain stream.
29–31 December,
smokingdragon.org

76 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com





SEE THE MUSIC THE GUIDE

SUMMER LOVIN’ through the estate culminating in a little SWEEP ALL YOUR
waterfall. Then, on 27 December, Paarl’s CARES AWAY
The fun-loving Sexy Groovy Love Rhebokskloof Wine Estate, with its rolling
team is known for hand-picking green lawns and idyllic lake, is the venue for Among the scores of beach
seriously special venues for their carefully- The Wandering Hills, where international festivities happening along our
planned events and they have two delicious melodic house DJ, Super Flu, will headline coastline on 31 December, the
parties to look forward to this month. On alongside local groovesters James Southbroom New Year’s Eve
2 December, The Manor of Magic in Paarl Copeland, Dean Fuel, Lady M, and Beach Party has earned a
happens on a picturesque 23-hectare Chris de Vos. facebook.com/sexygroovylove reputation as one of KZN’s best.
retreat surrounded by vineyards and olive With ambitions to offer a taste of
groves – plus there’s a stream meandering Ibiza, the one-night dance music
party brings a variety of EDM
RAGE AGAINST THE (TEEN) MACHINES genres together so techno and
electro fans can mingle with
Chart-topping DJ, producer and songwriter, TiMO ODV, racked up over 4 million minimal and progressive
streams worldwide with his first single, ‘Save Me’ – it was one of 2015’s most-played aficionados. Holding the
radio tunes. His second single, ‘Find My Way’, was the most Shazamed song in SA. seashore dancefloor together
‘Dancing Again’, a single from his debut EP, Origins, had over 1 million streams on with his particular brand
Apple Music by the time it went gold in March this year. All of these statistics will of house music is trailblazing
make sense to the thousands of youngsters hitting the clubs and dancefloors that Joburg DJ, Chunda Munki (aka
make up the various Rage festivals happening along the coast this month – in Plett, Blayze Saunders), who is known
in JBay and in Durbs. At each of these events, you’ll be able to party with TiMO ODV for his chunky basslines, cheeky
vocals, and euphoric melodies.
(whose DJ name makes more sense when you realise his real name Also scheduled to whip the
is Timothy Oude Vrielink) who will doubtless play his latest crowd into a froth is Vimesh
single, ‘Move’, to the delight of braying fans. Aside from the Bhana, who goes by the DJ
various Rage parties, TiMO ODV will also be performing at moniker VIMO and mixes wild
Get Lucky Summer in Mozambique on 9 December, the and furious. The party happens
Corona Sunsets Festival in Cape Town on 16 December, on Southbroom Main Beach and
at Unyaka in Durban on 30 December and at two NYE VIP tickets gain access to a tented
parties in Cape Town: at Maiden’s Cove and Bungalow, deck overlooking the lagoon.
both right on the beach. ragefestival.co.za 31 December,
webtickets.co.za

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 79

THE GUIDE SEE THE MUSIC

HOPE GETS IN YOUR EYES FreshlyGround performs there on WATERFALLS AND Words: Keith Bain, Pictures: Stu Shapiro, Esteban Martinena Guerrero, Tyler Walker,
9 December, and then there’s Karen Zoid RAINFALLS hchjjl/shutterstock.com, Marish/shutterstock.com, yurgo/shutterstock.com,
Okay, so there’s no river or lake, no beach on 16 December, Prime Circle on NotionPic/shutterstock.com, Ekaterina Garyuk/shutterstock.com, Supplied
and no water cannons spraying liquid 6 January, The Parlotones on 13 January, At the last Vic Falls Carnival, while
at the crowds, but this year’s summer 2010 Idols winner Elvis Blue on Goldfish was playing the main set on
season of open-air concerts at 27 January, and Emo Adams on 10 New Year’s Eve, the heaving crowd
Hope@Paul Cluver in the Elgin Valley February. Finally, Craig Hinds and his received the ultimate blessing: rain,
culminates with Watershed. So while you boys will unleash ‘Indigo Girl’, along with warm rain, the kind you get in Durban.
won’t literally get wet, you may end up everything they’ve done in the intervening Instead of capsizing the party, the
with tears in your eyes. They’re not the 17 years, on 24 February. cluver.com falling water sent the crowd into
only band likely to induce emotions, overdrive, ensuring the ultimate New
though – kickass Afrofusion band Year send-off. No one can guarantee
a repeat performance from the
weather gods, but you can be assured
of a scintillating performance from
this year’s headline act: Black Coffee
(read about what else he’s getting
up to on page 133). Also headed for
this year’s festival is The Kiffness, Mi
Casa, Rubber Duc, and Zimbabwean
acts Flying Bantu, Amarra Brown
and DJ Jason Le Roux. Festivities
include a party train and you can
pack your days with adventures in
and around Vic Falls – jump from
a bridge, soar in a microlight, head
off on a Big Five safari – and then
party with thousands of revellers
deep into the night. 29–31 December,
vicfallscarnival.com

80 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com





deepDIVING READ BETWEEN THE LINES THE GUIDE
This summer’s perfect read is a book filled
But my dream
with astonishing trivia and mind-bending curiosities, job would be
that of a birding
distilled over years by radio host, John Maytham, guide, taking
clients to every
from his listener call-in show ‘Rapid Fire’. corner of the
globe seeking out
I’m not 100% sure how I became so chameleons can move their eyes in two the ornithological
intrigued by trivia and curious facts. different directions at the same time. beauty that exists
But I do remember that when, as a very I spent a lot of time out in the wilds everywhere.
young child, I had enough pocket money of the rural part of the Eastern Cape My listeners
to buy sweets, my first stop was the where I grew up finding and observing have come up
Chappies bubblegum jar because of the chameleons. with many really
‘Did you know’ questions on the inside I was an actor for a decade odd questions over the years. It would
of the wrapper. The first surprising- before moving into radio be more difficult to choose just one
to-me fact that I remember was that journalism, and I am dipping favourite question than it would be to
my toe in those waters again. select my favourite child. But I have a
particular fondness for questions around
cats, like the fact that cats don’t have
chins. And the reason why the purring of
cats might be important for astronaut
physiology. (You’ll have to buy the book
to get the explanations.)
Perhaps the most
common theme
is around the
origin of

popular
phrases
and words.
I often feel
very guilty
when I burst a
listener’s bubble
by telling them
that ‘posh’ is not an
acronym for ‘port out,
starboard home’; or
that ‘ship high in transit’
isn’t an acronym for a
certain four-letter word.
The internet makes it
possible to resolve most
questions if one is prepared to
put in the hours. I did have a lot of

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 83

THE GUIDE READ BETWEEN THE LINES

QUICK QUIZ: WET, WILD fun researching the question of how Interview: Keith Bain, Pictures: Daniel Rutland Manners (John Maytham portrait), supplied.
AND FULLY EXPOSED astronauts make love in space. Officially
it hasn’t happened, but, human nature
What is the wettest place in South being what it is, it’s hard to believe that
Africa? And in Africa? And on nobody has tried in the thirty or so years
earth? that males and females have shared
space capsules. I found it especially
e most common de nition of poignant that, in experiments with mice in
‘wet’ in this context is average annual space, the just-born babies were unable
rainfall over a period of 60 years. By to right themselves in the micro-gravity
this de nition Matiwa in Limpopo environment. They were doomed to spend
(2 004 mm per annum) is the wettest their very short lives on their backs.
place in South Africa; San Antonio A serious contender for the question
de Urecaon Bioko Island, Equatorial that took me deep down the weirdest
Guinea (10 450 mm per annum) is the rabbit hole in search of an answer would
wettest in Africa (pictured above); and be researching the claim that one can tell
a place called Mawsynram in India the colour of the egg about to be laid by a
tops the global poll with an average hen by the colour of that hen’s earlobes.
annual rainfall of 11 871 mm. First of all, I hadn’t known that hens have
What is the most unusual aquatic earlobes, and the search for verification
creature? led me to many wonderfully-named fowl.
I do love the Flamingo Tongue Penedesencas and Empordanesas – they
Snail. It’s beautiful, and, unusually, its sound like ancient Greek gods, but they are
psychedelic colouring comes from very modern chickens.
the so part of its body. e shell is And there are many contenders for
neutrally coloured. the most marvellous piece of trivia
or knowledge that I’ve unearthed, but I
What’s your most do love the fact that I now know Marie
embarrassing beach biscuits have, on average, 19 holes. I
moment? cannot imagine a more useless piece of
I was on a seaside holiday at information.
15 and body sur ng when I
was dumped by a particularly CAPE TOWN'S TRIVIA KING
big wave. e pressure forced
my baggies o . Eventually I CapeTalk’s drive-time host John Maytham is also an actor who most
grabbed a toddler’s sand bucket recently appeared in e Fugard’s production of Shakespeare in Love.
to cover myself until I got to my towel. With more than two decades on the air, ‘Rapid Fire’ is a popular
segment on his show, when listeners are invited to phone in with their
odd, arcane and rather random questions, such as ‘What is the origin
of the word “bluetooth”?’ and ‘How do you have sex in space?’

Maytham’s new book, Rapid Fire: Remarkable Miscellany, is lled
with delightful, o en hilarious, answers to some of the most curious of
the questions he’s received over the years. It’s published by Tafelberg and is
available now.

84 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com









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meMaARCn’S derings

The next time you fall
asleep on a plane, check
whose shoulder you’re
using as a pillow – it might
just be Marc Lottering,
a South African icon who
loves to fly, but is always
happy to be home.

90 DECEMBER 2017 POSTCARD ISLAND

Zanzibar was the first foreign place I fell in love with. It
was exactly like the postcards at the travel agency. I don’t
easily believe the pictures on the cover of a magazine (just
look at the cover of the one you’re holding right now!),
but Zanzibar was exactly that – postcard perfect. It was
paradise. At least that’s how I felt the first time I went.
When I eventually went back I was over it.

kulula.com

FROM CAPE TOWN WITH LOVE TRAVEL

DISNEYLAND BY THE SEA

My parents believed Durban was Disneyland so I have many fond childhood
memories of long road trips to KZN. I looked forward to those holidays, because we
would stay on the beachfront, and I loved the idea of the hotels, and the waiters.
My parents would take us to the funfair at the beach. It looked so massive and
fantastical to me as a kid. I was in love with Durban, passionate about it, especially
after staying at The Royal Hotel – yes, we were royalty! And I would always look
forward to that long drive to Durban – with warm Cream Soda and boiled eggs for
padkos. Now I hate driving. Like any decent Capetonian, I think driving anywhere more
than 20 minutes away is insanity.

ROAD (OUT)RAGE(OUS) MOTHER CITY BOY

The style of driving in Cape Town and Joburg differs. In Cape Town when you’re I’m a born and bred Capetonian and
changing lanes, you first look over your shoulder, lift your Ray-Bans and mouth unashamedly loyal to the Mother City,
the words ‘May I come over?’ – and then you gently indicate. And then, once you’ve where most of us prefer to ‘take it easy’.
eased across into your new lane, you flash your hazards to say ‘thank you’ and We shy away from things like deadlines. I
maybe wave as you make eye contact via your rear-view mirror. By the end of it all, mean where is it written that you have to
you’re swapping phone numbers. In Joburg, drivers don’t have time for that kind finish building a highway? Trips to Joburg
of foreplay. They want to get on with it. They drive more like New York cab drivers. are a real eye-opener for me. When a
There’s a gap, and you’re meant to take it, so you’d better move quickly because Joburger says, ‘let’s meet over coffee
you’ve got to get to your meeting. And the guy behind is thinking: ‘Do you want to to discuss a great business idea’, they
move across? Go ahead! I’m not here to be your friend.’ actually lock down a date and a time, and
arrive with a business idea. So weird.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 91

TRAVEL FROM CAPE TOWN WITH LOVE

UNFORGETTABLE INDIA

I will remember India forever. When you first arrive there, it’s easy to
assume that you’re on a movie set. Everywhere there are crazy scenes,
plus ceaseless pandemonium on the roads. After a day, I realised if I’m
going to get in a car or onto the back of a motorbike, I’d just have to close my
eyes, otherwise I’d risk having a heart attack before getting around the first corner. As it turns out,
nobody gets hurt – everybody seems to know where they’re going and although everybody’s going
in a different direction, dodging monkeys and cows and old ladies in saris at high speeds, they all
do it with incredible skill. Nobody can prepare for the craziness of India, and I doubt you can learn
those traffic-coping skills if you don’t grow up in the thick of it. It took me about four days, but I did
eventually calm down. Appropriately, it happened on the banks of the River Ganges, in Rishikesh,
the yoga capital of the world. I needed to be calm, because the locals soon started pointing and
smiling at my hair, calling me Sai Baba!

MARC’S BEACHBUM ETIQUETTE 101 SNAKES ON A PLANE

Growing up, I always associated the beach with holidays. So it’s always a place I love watching the flight attendants on
of happy memories. Family, friends, chicken and watermelon. And that one uncle international flights. They always start out
illegally enjoying his brandy and then sharing very many opinions. Muizenberg and following every instruction in the training
the St James pool were always firm favourites for us. Of course, there are a few manual to the letter. You know? During
rules worth observing when you’re on the beach: take-off, the lipstick’s still glossy. But the
drier the lipstick gets, the less adherence
Make sure your swimming outfit is the right size. If you’re a medium, don’t buy there is to the training manual. At the
a small – there is some information you don’t need to share with everyone on start of those long flights, everything’s
the beach! ‘Yes, Sir. No problem, Sir!’ but eventually,
Focus before you come out of the water. Fix your hair underwater. Everyone is you literally have to pull on her jacket to
looking at you. Pull in your stomach until you get back to your umbrella. Don’t get some attention. They say familiarity
go to the wrong umbrella. breeds contempt, and towards the end of
Let’s be honest: Everyone knows what’s happening when you’re standing still, the flight the poor woman is thinking
all serene, with that look on your face. You’re peeing in the water, and everyone ‘I’ve been flying with you for nine
knows it. Learn to pee while you’re swimming. hours, do you still expect me
to “Hello Sir” you?’ I love
it when the lipstick’s
looking a bit dodgy,
the dry hair falls
forward, and she
has that look
in her eye that
says she’s
had enough.

92 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com





FROM CAPE TOWN WITH LOVE TRAVEL

Interviews: Keith Bain, Pictures: Sven Kristian, Alexey Stiop/shutterstock.com, Mtsaride/shutterstock.com,Nadiia_foto/shutterstock.com, Quality Master/shutterstock.com, lcswart/shutterstock.com, Bildagentur HOME SWEET HOME DUTCH COURAGE
Zoonar GmbH/shutterstock.com, lcswart/shutterstock.com, Efimova Anna/shutterstock.com, Andrea Willmore/shutterstock.com, neelsky/shutterstock.com, Nila Newsom/shutterstock.com
When I’m away from Cape Town, I miss I visited the European mainland for the first time this year. I caught the Eurostar from London
everything it has to offer. I find when to Amsterdam. First class, nogal. For someone who is nervous on the roads, that smooth
people talk about a ‘coffee culture’ four-hour train ride with WiFi is a blessing. Once I got my head around all those bicycles
in other cities, they’re actually just zooming past me in a million directions, Amsterdam was fantastic – a really chilled city with
talking about one specific road. But plenty going on and friendly residents. I took one of those canal cruises which is a terrific way
Cape Town offers such an abundance
of everything. Coffee shops? Heaps of to see the city. I also went for a stroll through the much talked about ‘red-light district’.
them. Nature? Just take a walk up Lion’s I didn’t realise I had so many fans in the Netherlands – all these ladies were
Head, or a stroll on the beach – whether waving at me. It’s incredible to know that the women of Amsterdam follow
it’s Muizenberg or along the Atlantic South African comedy.
Seaboard. If you want fancy restaurants
or just want to go pub-hopping, Cape PARIS, WITH LOVE
Town offers you a broad range of things,
whatever your ‘thing’ is; there really I was not expecting to fall in love with Paris as much
is something for everyone. And you as I did. I’m besotted. I can people-watch for hours,
don’t have to mission or go to too much and the Parisian pavement café culture is just
trouble to get it. In Joburg, people are perfect for that. The locals are cool and stylish
always saying ‘Get on the highway and without trying too hard. The food is amazing.
drive for 30 or 35 minutes.’ No man! I The underground trains are efficient. The bars
want to go for a drink up the road. Or are sexy. And the locals were nice to me as long as
maybe drive for 12 minutes max. I started every sentence with ‘Bonjour’. So although I
occasionally had to steal sugar from coffee shops, I
did it very elegantly. I’ll be back.

kulula.com DECEMBER 2017 95



SOUNDS FROM THE UNDERGROUND TRAVEL

beatsCITY OF BROKEN

Its hypnotic sound comes on the back of an
electrifying energy that courses through your
veins, compelling you to let loose on a dancefloor.
But gqom isn’t some passing fad – born in Durban
at the hands of young beat-makers rebelling against
more established forms of house, its relentless
rhythms are sweeping dancers off their feet in
global party capitals. Keith Bain climbs on the
dancefloor with gqom king, DJ Lag.

pictures: 31moonlight31/shutterstock.com, supplied Y ou either love it or hate it.
That’s something that can be
said of most kinds of music, but DECEMBER 2017 97
chances are that, if you’ve heard gqom,
you’ve had some sort of strong reaction
to it. As compelling as it is if you’re in the
mood to writhe on a dancefloor, its raw,
dark, bass-saturated minimalism will just
as easily prompt middle-aged women
to skip one taxi in favour of a less ear-
assaulting commute.

kulula.com

TRAVEL SOUNDS FROM THE UNDERGROUND

Each to their own, I guess.

Beyond clubs and festivals – including

Likened to deep dance events in the party capitals of
house, with its roots Europe, Asia and New York – the most
in kwaito, gqom feels likely place to have heard it is probably
closer to tribal house from the inside of a Durban minibus. Or, in
and techno. fact, anywhere within screaming distance
of one, since the whole point of those
massive onboard sound systems is to
blast beats into the stratosphere, luring
prospective passengers with the promise

of a sonically-enhanced ride. These shared

taxis have long thrived on the potential

to out-bass one another and some

passengers pick their chariot based on the

quality of the beats inside.

Which means that, if you’re living

in Durban, gqom is quite possibly the

soundtrack of your life. Likened to deep

house, with its roots in kwaito, gqom

feels closer to tribal house and techno.

It’s a darker take on house music that

incorporates samples that can come from

choral music, maskandi, African drum

beats, or whatever the latest synth plugin

app provides.

Most tracks are the result of

experimenting with Fruity Loops

The final leg of a (now known as FL Studio),

global series of festivals music software that’s
that happened in Atlanta, London, given creative power to
Paris, and New York, during the course a generation of music
of this year, Afropunk Joburg is set to be

one of the most audacious music producers raised not on
experiences of the year. DJ Lag is part musical instruments but
of a massive line-up that includes Spoek on computer-generated

Mathambo, Gods Sons & Daughter,

Nakhane, Solange, Laura Mvula, Black dance algorithms: forget
Motion and The Brother Moves On. keys, strings, and tribal
Constitution Hill, 30–31 December, drums – gqom tends to
afropunkfest.com

consist entirely of programmed

sounds. Those in the know

say a good gqom track

will include a super

bass drum kick, snares,

toms, and – along with

the chopped up

98 DECEMBER 2017 kulula.com