It Seemed Like a Good Idea

In the Beginning

My breath comes out in white wisps like clouds. It is cold, no it is freezing,
below freezing. Lay on my back in the snow, Minnesota where it all started.
Trying to shut out the memories that cloud my mind. My breath starts to come
faster, and faster making me feel dizzy. I start to shake as the memories break
down the wall that I have built. I catch myself before it gets worst I go through
what my therapist told me to go through when I feel this way. When the cold air
starts to feels heavy, and like it is getting stuck in my lungs like glue. I squeeze
my eyes shut and control my breathe, seeing the dizzying darkness surrounding
me. I feel the snowflake that have begun to fall on my bear skin. I decide to go
outside in my puffy white jacket and jeans with no hat or mittens which in
hindsight was not a very smart idea. The snowflakes fall on my cheeks, lips,
eyelids, and nose melting instantly as they land cooling my skin. I open my eyes,
and at first all I can see is the white, blinding sky above me. Then as my eyes
focus I can see the little snowflakes falling from the heaven above. It is beautiful.
The snowflakes start to become larger and larger as time continues. I start to
relax into the bed of snow I am laying upon. My jeans are slowly being drenched
by the snow, and I quickly stand up my head filling with the freezing air around
me stabbing it like a thousand knives making me feel so dizzy. I throw my arms
out trying to steady myself. I take a deep gulp of the cold tasteless air feeling it hit
my throat hard, freezing it. I shiver as I feel the stupidity of laying in the snow with

only jeans covering my legs. Now the back part of my jeans are drenched and
freezing with the cold, but I will ignore that for now. My long dark brown hair is
frozen skiff, and so is my ivory skin. I just begin to walk making prints in the
freshly. Trudge up the large hill there is no sound around me other than my
labored breathing as I make my way across the yard back to the sliding glass
doors. I lay think thinking about everything that has happened in the past year. I
sigh closing my eyes squeezing them shut and see the dizzying black spirals in
my head. I feel the cold press of the snow against my bare skin. This is my story
that I am finally going to tell. This is the truth and this is what really happened. As
I slowly drift off into sleep I let it all go. Things are finally going to be ok.

Just a Dream

I am taken away from my mother one bright and sunny day. We stand outside
happy in the sunlight warming our backs. I stare into my mother’s brown eyes, and I just
know that she loves me, and that will never change. Even when the most terrible thing
happens, and that is when they come the strange, angry men. I am ripped away from
my life, and what I thought was my home. then packed away from all I have ever known.
I am packed with others so tightly we are almost on top of one another. The truck
confusion and fear clinging to the air, no one know what is happening or why this is
happening. I like many others wait in the dark, cramped truck not being able to see what
is ahead or being able to move. The truck shakes and groans as we go along, and I
become very sick. I have never been in this strange vehicle before with so many other
souls. The smell of sickness and death fills the air as the day wears on. There is no
concept of time because is no way to see past the others to the outside. There is no
way of telling if it is night or day time there is only the scared eyes of others looking into
my eyes asking the same question that I ask. Why did it have to be us?

When we first entered this creat we scream and cried for someone to let us out,
but now we have given up all hope of ever being let out of this metal prison. Then the
first soul gets sick, very sick, there is no where to move so others get sick too. Then the
first soul goes out like a life. The thing is no one cares about what is happening to to us,
no one knows what is happening to us. I miss my mom, and I just want to feel safe
again. What if that will never happen again? What if I never get to see the sky with
twinkling stars or feel the warm sun on my back? I can’t imagine a world where that

would be. The bin that we are in shakes sending hitting against the wall of the truck, it
hurts, everything hurts. I have no idea where they are taking us, but they are taking us
away. Yes the first home was never very clean, but it is where my mom is and safety
and that is what I keep in my mind to keep fighting to stay alive while many others are
gone. We drive for what seems like days and days with no water and no food, and I am
scared.

We stop every once in awhile, and the first few times we push to get to the door
but then we begin almost as suddenly. I don’t have a name, I am just another number. I
don’t matter. I look through the small holes in the truck watching the barren land streak
by further and further away from home. Then the truck suddenly stops sending us all
flying, and then there is some yell. I freeze waiting for the door to open not bothering to
push to the front, but this time the door is lifted sending a blinding light into the truck
blinding me. I freeze with fear waiting for my sight to come back to me, but that does not
happen soon enough. I hear the scream before I can see what is making the terrible
noises. Then I feel the push of the others pushing me out into the boiling sunny day. I
look ahead following the others to the muddy flat land surrounded by a large fence with
barbed wire on top. It looks like my old home,but it is it not my mom is not here and the
people are worse. At least I am not alone, and then the pain comes. A lash cutting my
side, I scream in pain and everyone around my flinches speeding up. I tremble as we
enter the fenced area. Then the worst pain ever sinks into my back searing my skin like
someone is pressing a red hot iron on it which I guess they are. That is what happened
to my mother. Then we are through the gate, and I can feel myself sinking into the
earth. I try to pull my legs out as quickly as possible the fear of more pain increasing,

but my small, useless legs just sink in. I watch the others around me struggle to move
the scary men have now disappeared leaving us to struggle through the sinking mud.
Then the large build a rises in the distance, and the men come back yelling in their loud,
hateful voices. We push on toward the large building not knowing our fates.

As we get get closer the building seems to grow angry and dark looming over
the country side like a predator waiting for its prey. When we get to the building, and we
are pushed and hit by the men. I am so scared. I feel the fear racking my whole body
with tremors. I try to turn back, but there are too many of us to go back. We are led to
the back room of the building. Drip, drip, drip there are pipes lining the dull gray ceiling.
Drip, drip, drip it is dimly lit room is filled with cages and packed with others like me.
Wack I feel the pain reverberating through my side the men are back hitting and
thrashing at all of us. I flinch away from the pain into another. Then each of us at
packed into a small cage with thick gray bars. I try to lay down, but there is no room and
I tied to the bars so that I cannot move. The men laugh at us, and then leave us alone.
They do not give us food. They do not give us water. We know what is going to happen
to us, and we are terrified.

A few hours later the men come back for us taking us one by one out to the
showroom. Some of the souls come back to the cages, but no many tell their story to
the others still in the room. They drag me out into the small show room. I had heard of
this terrible place before from the lucky souls who come back, but are taken away the
next day. These souls are the undesirable no one want a soul that is damaged and
marked. This is the place where we are sold into the unknown like products on a shelf; if
it is damaged it is thrown away. If a soul does not sell then it is taken back into the

storage room, and the next day it is thrown away never to be seen again. surrounded by
many people yelling spit flying out at waving insanely. I freeze paralyzed with fear
looking around me. I have never seen so many people yelling before. I have never had
so many people yelling directed towards me before. I stand looking at each face there
crazed eyes and mouths almost foaming. There yell are unintelligible, and I try to
process what they scream at me, but I am just met with a thresh to my side, and I jump
forward. I look around at the crowd who hold signs with numbers on them. I know what
will happen, what my fate will be once I am sold by these men.

The crowd yells, “One hundred dollars!”

The men reply, “One hundred dollars going once-

The crowd yells, “Two hundred dollars!”

The men reply, “Two hundred dollars going once-”

A man steps forward, “five hundred dollars.” The crowd goes silent looking at one
another wondering if any would counter his claim to me.

When minutes go by with no one saying a word the man relaxes, smirks at me
know that he has won. He will be taking me to a place more terrible than the one that I
am already in.

“Sold to the highest bidder. At the end of the selling you will be collecting your
prize and you will be paying for her.”

This goes on until the total goes up to 350$. A tall, gruff man steps forward
watching with a glint in his eyes and a smirk painted on his thin lips as he surveys me.

Then he looks at the other men expectantly as they quickly pack me up right back into a
slightly larger cage with the thick bars. I stare through those bars at the men who sold
me again. The men who took me away from my mother. I want to ask them why they
are doing thing. I want to ask them if they feel guilty. I want to ask them how they sleep
at night knowing how much suffering they are causing. I wonder if anyone else knows
what these terrible people are doing or if already know what is happening and just do
not care. The man hands over the money, and the other men hand over me. I am a
item, a transaction, I might have a high value but I have no worth. The man gives me
food and water, and a shooting pain in my side spreads through my body. I maneuver
seeing that the man has inserted a needle into my side, and is injecting me with some
clear liquid. The man smiles at me his eyes dancing with, with excitement, evil there is
no word for that look in his eyes. Then I feel the medicene shooting through my body
warming, then cooling it making me feel dizzy, sleepy. Then I sleep as he starts the new
truck pulling away from the scary place to a new place. We drive and drive for days, but
this time I am fed, a lot, and inserted with this strange medication. I begin to grow larger
and larger, faster and faster. The cage I am in becomes very cramped and
uncomfortable and it has only been a few days. After another day we pull up at a the
new place, the place I will be staying until the end.

This place is just like the last dirty, smell and dark. I am packed into a very small
room a so many others crammed. There is no room for thinking, no room for breathing,
no room. We wait, we are fed, we are shot, and we are terrified screaming to let us out.
We scream and scream our voices going weak and raw from the effort. Days go by,
weeks go by, and we wait in this small dark room with no windows. It begins to smell

like death, the man does not clean the small room we live in, and many of us begin to
fall ill and even pass away. These poor souls are not taken away from the small room,
and we live with the smell of rotting flesh in the small room. There is also a strong sense
of fear consuming the small room and the souls in the that room. I can feel the press of
dead bodies pressing against my body. The bodies begin to suffocate me pressing in
closer and closer beginning to consume me whole. I can taste my death coming to take
me over and the fear on the tip of my tongue. It has the scariest taste that I could never
tasted before. I look around at the illness and the death surrounding me and I feel sick.

I have felt this unrelenting fear throughout my whole life. I felt fear when I was
taken from my mother. I felt fear when I was packed onto a truck and shipped away. I
felt fear when I was hit for the first time with that whip. I felt fear in that small cage with
the thick bars. I felt fear when I was take the show room. I felt fear when I was sold. . I
have felt when I was injected. I have felt fear when I was abused. I have felt fear with
the small room and the death and illness in the room. I have felt fear in my life I feel fear
now, but it will all be over soon. One by one each soul is taken into the shed there is a
great amount of screaming followed by a deafening silence chilling me to the bone.
There are one hundred souls in front of me and one by the one they disappear into the
shed never to be see again. There are ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two,
one souls in front of me. Then there is only one in front of me, and they too disappear
into the shed, and are gone and it is only me left to wait. I wait for the man who took me
from my mother to take away everything from me. Do I not matter? Do I not have a
right to life? Does anyone care?

The door in front of me opens a bright light shining into my eyes blinding me.
When my eyes adjust to the light I see him standing there like a terrible symbol. He
smirks at me in that terrible way he always has done. I feel sick to my stomach. He
takes a step forward, and I back up hitting my head on the wall behind. I open my mouth
to scream but nothing comes. He presses me against the wall.

My eyes fly open I am still laying in the snow shaking my pale skin turning blue
with the cold. My stomach empty twists itself in circles, something bad is going to
happen I can just feel it. I sit up knowing what I need to do. That was the first day I kept
that empty feeling in my stomach and never fixed it.

Always a Bad Idea

I stand in front of the mirror looking at my pale skin, chlorine damaged hair, and
pudgy face. I close my eyes as I undress after a swim practice, I hate my body so much.
My mom says that I will grow into it, but I don’t think that will ever happen. I am an
awkward 13 year old who has never been kissed or even liked by a guy. I have been
mostly a vegetarian since I was in 5th grade, I mean I still eat chicken and some turkey
on holidays. I remember one year I just ate mashed potatoes during Thanksgiving. It is
funny things were so simple during that time, and then that all changed when I started
going to a private middle school. This was the first time I had skipped a meal, and
that started the downward spiral. I began to eat less and less everyday, and I began to
slowly lose weight at first. The problem was when I would even throw away my lunch
skipping it for days after days or I would eat a small bagel with some peanut butter on it.
Then I would get so hungry, and I would binge. I would eat everything I could get my
hands on. Then I would gain all of the weight back from the restriction. I would get so
mad at myself.

I mean I the real struggle was having dyslexia. I mean it was really struggled with
reading, and I was made fun of for that. That hurt and it destroyed me and I still fight
with that years later, but what hurts more, what destroyed me more was what happened
at that private school. Things were simple, I needed to learn how to read and believe in
my ability to succeed in school. Never did I think that I would struggle with body image,
self perception, and a guy that took my ability to feel love and to feel as if I would ever
be more than just a slut. I still think that I am worthless today because I was treated like
a piece of meat and I let him do that. Sometimes a lot of the times that gets to me. I just

want to be treated like a human because that is what I am. I know that no one know
who I really am and that is what really hurts me right now. This is what really happened,
and this is the first and last time I will be opening up and looking at what happened to
me.

The last bell of the day rings Evie and I run out of the classroom finally free
to go home! I laugh pulling my black computer bag higher on my shoulder,
clenching purple binder closer to my chest as we run out of the middle school
hallway to the railing that overlooks the commons. The sun shines through the
windows dancing on the tiled floor. It is an absolutely beautiful day.

“Hurry up Lulu! Stop daydreaming! We have got to go my is going to be
here soon.” Evie screams as me smiling so hugely.

Evie is my best friend. She is a short, a very short girl with dark brown hair
that has been bleached at the ends and dark skin. She was adopted from
Cambodia; she told me that the orphanage in Cambodia found her in a broccoli
patch.

I laugh running down the stair to meet her at the bottom. We smile at each
other. I see that boy I like, Chris, I run my hand through my dark, tangled hair
self-consciously studying my light, oversized blue Iswim sweatshirt and baggy
jeans. I have never had a boyfriend. I have never been kissed. I have never had
a boy even look twice at me. Evie sees who I am staring at and nudges me, her
eyes gleaming mischievously as she walks down the stairs. I stick my tongue out
at her, following her down the rest of the stairs. I laugh handing Evie my binder

and computer bag, I turn and run. Then as a second thought I call over my
shoulder that I need to go to the bathroom.

“You are such a liar!” Eve screams at me laughing “I might just let it slip
that you like him!” she sing songs as I disappear past the gym into the side
hallway.

The hallway is dimly lit, but this hallway is always dimly lit in a horror movie way.
It never seemed right that this hallway should be lit like this. It always felt as if
something awful is about to happen or already had. There is just something about the
lighting and and the side hallway that gives me a terrible feeling, and I wish I had
listened to my gut that day when hallway that felt too eerie, and too quiet. Maybe it is to
save money, I am not completely sure, or maybe when you get into upper school you
can’t handle the bright florescent lights of the middle school and lower school hallways.
This dimly lit hallway and a hallway leading off it to nowhere has seven doorways
including a huge, heavy exit door for emergencies, which would never happen. The first
two doors on the right are the boys’ and girls’ locker rooms, and are locked shut at the
moment. The next door has light spilling out of it, I pause to peer in, it is vacant; where
is everyone there is always, always people in it, except for today. I sigh heavily it had
been a hard day, and now I listen to the far away yells of the lower school students
playing in the gym. I flinch when I hear the shuffle of shoes on the tile floor, coming from
the double door which marks where the hallway ends and upper school begins at the
end of the hallway. I look up to see a dark shadowy figure standing there. A shiver runs
down my spine as the figure moves closer and closer towards me. I press myself to the
wall trembling, too scared to run. Then a sense of calm washes over me, it is just

Christian, a boy in my science classes older brother. His name is Isaac, he is tall and
muscular, with golden tan skin, shaggy brown hair, brown brooding eyes behind heavy
black rimmed glasses, he is cute maybe even hot, but he is also a senior, 18 years old.
My stomach drops when I see the smirk on his face. Why is he looking at me like that?
Somehow he is right in front of me; somehow he has materialized, and is standing, just
standing there, right in front of me. He is 18, I am 13, what could he want with me? My
question is answered all too soon, in a blink of an eye he has me pinned against the
wall. Maybe this is a joke, and then his lips hit mine with the force of a thousand tons.
He is kissing me so forcefully putting all of his weight against; I can’t breathe, I can’t
breathe, I CAN’T BREATHE! I try to push him away, but it is useless. It is like a terrible
dream, a dream when you are drowning; you open your mouth to scream but nothing
comes out. My lungs start to constrict as all of the air is emptied out. I think my lungs
are about to explode; my vision spots over with small purple dots. Then he is touching
me his hands glide up and down my body. I feel sick. I am wearing a light blue
sweatshirt that says Iswim and has a picture of an Ipad and a pair of skinny jeans. His
hands are tugging at my jeans button sliding in. That is when I snap. I ramed my knee
up, and then blackness. I wake up in the bathroom slumped over the toilet, shaking. I
get up flush the toilet, and walk to the mirror. I do not recognize the girl that stares back
at me. She looks, she looks, she looks tortured with huge puffy red eyes. She
resembles me, but she is not me, she is just of shell of who I use to be. I can taste the
sick in my mouth, and I try to wash it out.

I flinch when my phone vibrate my fingers tremble as I open the text from an
unknown number. You better not tell anyone what happened or else.” A tear splashes

onto the tiny phone screen as the memories flood back into my mind the same
memories that I have been repressing for so long. He starts by isolating me. Then he
starts working his way into my life. He takes me hostage in my own world. Stockholm
syndrome: when the victim feels attached to their captor. I loved him. I would do
anything, ANYTHING for him. The worst part is we start dating. Let me rephrase that
the 18 year old and the 13 year old started dating. That is when he starts asking for
favors; they are small at first. Then they become more and more demanding. More and
more inappropriate. More and more forceful. I did so many things that I regret. Things
that to this day, when I alone, flash through my mind haunting. The grabbing, the
pushing, the forceful no violent nature of him. He kept me isolated. I slowly felt myself
drifting from my friends. He was kind in way a guy had never been to me, he bought me
clothes and payed attention to me. My father had never really been around, so I craved
the attention of a male figure. The problem was that he asked for too much, and it was
slowly eating away at me. He would threaten me if I did not give him what he wanted.

You know I could just tell any what you did.” or he would hiss,”You know you like
it, so it does not even matter.”

The problem was when push came to shove all of what happened then did
matter it matter then and it matters now. I did whatever he wanted and I felt completely
powerless, like I did not matter, like I could not tell anyone because I chose this. This
was all my fault. I sent the pictures of myself, I did the terrible things and for what so
that, that “man” would love me, so that he would care about me. He said he loved me
because I was hot and sexy; that he liked my long hair, and the way that my thighs were
thick. Secretly I wanted out I wanted him to leave so I stopped eating to lose weight.

I stopped eating trying so hard to lose weight. I would
Maybe if this I thought I loved him, but it was all an illusion it was a trick. See
love is not real, and hope breeds eternal misery; once people see that life is not worth
living. One day he decided to ask me to run away with him so that we could be together
forever. When I inquired about the money that we would need to live on our own he
smirked and said exactly this
“I know a few ways you can make some easy money.” He says smirking at me as
his eyes cost up and down my body.
I stand there terrified as I speak up for the first time in months, “I...I don’t know
what you are asking for me to do.”
“Oh, babe I think you do,” He coos as he winks at me,”anyway, I already know
you are good at it. You like to dance right?”
I feel like my lips have been sealed shut with glue and I was just kicked in the
stomach, and then I have to sum up the courage to respond to this.
“I can’t do that! I will not sell myself.”
He glares at me for a beat then whispers, "Well, I guess you do not really love me, you
will be sorry, you will be sorry." He mutters the last part, and I was.
That is when things take a turn for the worse. He sent the pictures I sent him to
everyone. He told everyone what we had done. He told everyone every single terrible
thing. I was outcasted fast than I could say "Please don't". Everyday after that it was the
same thing, good kill yourself you worthless skank, slut, whore, you deserved it, you
deserve worse, you deserve to die. Every single day I heard these words. Every single
day I came home to a empty house, and cried. Then later on every single day after I

would come home to that empty house and I would cry I would picked up a knife, and
slowly slide it across my wrist. Every single day I would watch as the blood oozed out of
the cut on my wrist dripping onto the linoleum. As time went on I thought more and more
about killing myself. I could hardly face going to school anymore. I quit swim because I
could not handle it anymore. I stopped exercising. I stopped eating. I stopped doing
homework, and I started to fall behind. I walk through the halls keeping my eyes down
because everyone know what I have done.

I pick back up the note that I had written again thinking about it. I cannot imagine
feeling so low that I felt as though this was the only option I had left in the world. When I
thought my only option left was to, I can’t even write it. It is all too terrible, and if I write it
down it would make it too real. It is real, but writing it down would be too much. That is
where I draw the line. I just wish I had never let myself fall this low. I wish I had never
written these words down. I pick up another crumpled up sheet of paper smoothing it
out, and reading the contents. It was the contract document that had been written up
soon after I had written the letter. It stated that I would never try to hurt myself ever
again. I ran my fingers over the words, and then over my signature placed at the
bottom. It also stated that if I failed to meet the requirements I would be taken to a
hospital for real that time, no talking anyone out of it. I would in addition be required to
stay in that hospital for at least a week. The funny thing about that contract is that my
parents ended up never enforcing it. There a time when they made me sleep in their
room, and come to their work after school because they were so afraid of what I might
do to myself if they left me alone. It never mattered I was so buried that it would never
matter what they did to try to help me. I had to come to the point where I could come out

and tell them what had happened to me. Why I was trying to hard to hide from them, but
I didn’t even thought I knew I should. I didn’t tell them. I didn’t tell my therapist. I didn’t
tell my friends. Well I did, but not exactly in the way that what happened was a negative
thing. To my friends I acted like I had wanted it to happen. Look at me I can get a high
schooler to like me I am so cool. Inside I was dying, and I refused to tell anyone what
was wrong with me.

I stood up pushing away from my bed walking towards my desk and picking up
my knife. It was an addiction it is like drinking, smoking, doing drugs when you get
hooked you want to keep doing it more and more. Each time it gets worse, and you
need to do it to feel normal. The difference is that someone who is doing drugs,
smoking, or drinking can hide it longer than someone who is hurting themselves. It
leaves a mark that is noticeable if they do not cover it up well enough. I had become
addicted just because I become so numb, I was using this knife to hurt myself there I
said it. I have never been able to tell people about it, but it seemed fitting that it would
be the same to end my life. I made one fatal mistake I forgot that my parents were
coming home early. Another thing that is different is when someone overdoes or drinks
too much it is an easy death, but this is not easy. I took the knife, and slipping my wrist
going deeper than I had ever gone before then watched as the blood poured from my
wrist. I could feel it I cut in so deep too deep that now I was loose blood, a lot of blood,
too much blood. At first the blood was just a trickle then it was more and more until I
started to feel woozy. Then all at once everything went away, I had loss too much blood
much too quickly. I faintly remember my mom holding me, and crying she did not know
what I had been doing; then being rushed to the hospital. I could hear their voices

asking me why? Why? Why? The only answer that I had for them was that I just wanted
to die. I just wanted to escape from that terrible life that I was trapped in. I just wanted to
disappear so that I could not hurt anymore people. Why could they not let me have this
one thing. That is when I was entered into the insane asylum or a mental institution. I
blocked out what happened for so long that I could almost forget, and even question
why I was placed in their care. I thought that I did not belong there, but I was put into
that mental institution for a reason. I tried to kill myself, and I need somewhere safe to
rehabilitate myself. In the end the reason I was released was someone tried to kill me.
That is the irony of the situation I was in. I never told anyone because someone tried to
hurt me in a place away from the real world that was supposed to be safe. I never told
anyone what happened because I never had to. I was released before I had to.

You will never look at me the same way because I have told you this you may
even hate me, but I care about you enough to tell this terrible mistake I make when I
was younger. Will you care about me enough to help me move one from this? What is
going to happen now?

By now you are probably wondering who I am. If that note was something I
wrote. And in this society what I look like. First I am lavender, and I am 13. From my
name I hope you can tell that I am a girl. I go to a private school in Minnesota. I was
sexually abused, but I survived.I had a eating disorder, but I survived. When I did not
want to survive I woke up in a car taking me away from my world to another. The lights
glaring down on me like a spotlight illuminating what I did wrong hurting my wide brown
eyes and my soul. They I sit up slowly looking around the car reaching up and turning
off the light above me. Nervously playing with my long curly brown hair to trying not to

think about what I just did not to just myself, but to my parents who sit in the front and
will not look at me. no one knows what is wrong with me, but they still bring me home
back to the terrible world that I do not want to live in. They think that I have gone crazy
that is why I am on the antidepressants, that is why I go to therapy, that is why my
parents can’t look at me anymore. I sigh as we pull into the parking lot of my therapist
office. I slowly get out of the care tear falling down my cheeks as my parents press on
ahead of me. My short legs cannot carry me as fast as their long legs, and I start to fall
behind them being left behind forgotten. I don’t yell out I am already enough of a burden
as it is. I don’t want to be more. We go down the long hallway with the windows all
around it no walls just windows. I start to shake, this is what my therapist calls panic
attack this is what I get every day. I panic then I can’t breath, I can’t think, I can’t move. I
can’t tell anyone what is wrong with me because no one would believe me. I can’t tell
anyone what is wrong because no one would ever love me again. This is all my fault. I
brought this upon myself, and there is nothing left, so to hurt myself as a way to punish
myself and I never told anyone what was wrong.

I have felt fear. I have felt pain. I did not want to live at one point, but then I found
something to live for. I wanted to live for those who could not live or live well.

Further back
I had just started at a new school, and it was a new start. At my old school
I was that weird kid that did not really have any kids. I was the kid most kids
avoid because I was part of the special education department, but this was only
for reading and writing. See I have grown up with a learning disability called
dyslexia. Dyslexia is not a disability though, the way people treat you when you
tell them you have dyslexia is. I was never pushed hard at the first school
because the system had already swallowed me. I was stuck until I was came to
this new school, my new home. It was supposed to be the new start that I
needed to give me a running for further education. It was supposed to be a safe
place where I could be myself without worrying about people judging me. It was
supposed to be a place where people like me could go to really learn how to
make adjustments so that they may learn in a more productive way. It was
supposed to be a supportive environment on both the teachers’ and the students’
end, but things never seem to work out quite the way we want them to. At least
that is the main thing that I learned at this school. I was supposed to learn how to
cope with a learning difference, but what I really learned was how to cope with a
traumatic experience or rather how to burry a traumatic experience.
My first day at this school, and nervous did not begin to explain how I felt
that day. I nervously opened the door the warm, dusty air blowing my hair back.
The school is divided into five sections each section is used for a different
reason. I walk past the the student store into the gym next to it where there is

utter craziness with the lower schoolers running everywhere throwing everything
from dodgeballs to those soft at one another. I slowly back out of the gym trying
not to make a big deal. Then I begin to explore my new surroundings. I walk
down a small hallway with a glass case to my right with different gear from the
school: sweatshirts, t-shirts, mittens, sweaters, and so much more. The small
hallway leads to a longer hallway which leads to the upper school. This hallway
houses a changing rooms, the bathrooms, and the weight room. Then there is a
double door closed tight hiding the secret world of the high school students or
rather the upper school students. The bell rings, and I turn backing going up the
stairs to walking to the right to the middle school hallway which will be my new
home for the next two years.

It was like home for the first two months that I was there. This was the first
time I felt as if I fit in somewhere. I found my very first best friend, Eva, an
extremely short girl with thick, dark hair and dark eyes. I found many other
friends, but none stood by me quite like she did. I also had a crush on one of the
boys in my class, and I thought that he might like me back! This had never
happened to me, having a guy like me of all people was unheard of. The first two
months flew by, then it was halloween and I was invited to my first middle school
party. Well, everyone was invited to this party, but still I was excited.

Eva and I raced the other students trying to be the first ones on the coach
bus David had rent to take us all to his halloween party. It was one of those
buses where the seats had that carpet material on them, and each seat has

place holders for two people. All 60 of the middle schools piled onto this bus
filling all of the seats, and the bus started to vibrate with the excitement. We
remained in this bus for a full hour driving through farmland and then through a
thick forest with a narrow road. The narrow road went until the bus came to a
large, brass gate that magically opened when the bus pulled up. I pressed my
face to the window as the the mansion came into full view. It was not just a large
house, I lived in a nice large house, but this was a mansion with four levels
(including a basement), a pool, a hot tub, and a view of Lake Minnetonka. Who
could even imagine living in such a place? This was all I could think as we all
pushed to get out of this bus, to go exploring this amazing castle. Eva and I
regrouped after we got off the bus looking at each other than the house in utter
shock. We started walking towards the mansion, but it wasn’t until we were on
the porch that stretch all the way around the house that realized how massive
this house really was. We turned the corner of the outside of the house, and
there it was, the most beautiful spread of food I had ever seen. There was mini
pizza slices, fancy mini sandwiches, sliders, cut up fruit, and candy so much
candy. There was even Caribou coffee containers full of hot chocolate, and right
next to that was a side door leading into the kitchen of the house.

We walked into the kitchen the size of a professional kitchen, like the one
from the Better Homes and Garden. That kitchen that reminded that your family
did not have as much money as theirs. However instead of the kitchen being
filled with appliances outright, the kitchen was filled with wooden cabinets where

the appliances hide. In the corner to the left was a breakfast nook where there
was a oak table, and also where we found our other friends, Angie and Fern.
They were whispering about something, and when they saw us they waved us
over feverishly with their eyes set so wide one might think that they saw a ghost.
Angie’s wild, red hair was tied back and she was wearing some type of candy
corn costume. Fern like Eva and I was not dressed up opting to wear a big black
sweat shirt her straight, dirty blonde hair hanging in a limp way.

“What is wrong?” I ask nervously looking around the strange kitchen.
Feeling unnerved by their glances between each other, and how they just stared
us not knowing what to say.”What is it? Guys you are really starting to...” but all
their eyes were concentrated behind me. I slowly turned around my tummy tying
itself into knots, but all there was, was a women. “Oh! Hello! Um you must be
David’s mom I am Lavender.” I awkwardly held out my hand to her, but she just
looked at me like I was crazy. I dropped my hand, glancing back at my friends
nervously. What was wrong with me?

“I am actually Amy, I am the Nordstroms’ maid.” She brightly smiled at me,
“Is there anything I can get you girls? Maybe I can make all of you a sunday!
How does that sound.” She smiled so brightly, and she sounded so excited. Yes
their last name is Nordstrom as in the owners of Nordstroms as in the big
departments store. I had never connected this until it was said out loud. It made
sense though because these people were, well rich.

We all looked at each other as if to say, “What in the world is going on
here?” We all looked back at her, and just nodded at. Her smile brightened even
more looking like she was going to burst with the excitement of actually being
able to do something. Then she disappeared into the next room. We all relaxed
as soon as she was gone. A smile started to spread across my face as a brilliant
idea sprung into my mind.

“What are you thinking about Lavender. You have that look.” Eva said
devilishly smiling at me.

“She is making us sundays!” I said laughing so hard. “I want to explore this
room while she is gone!” I exclaimed making my way to a double doored cabinet
with my friends following me or at least what I had assumed to be a cabinet. I pull
both doors open with more effort than I guess that I would need to use to open
those cabinet doors. We all gasped as we saw all the food in the cabinet which
was not a cabinet after all it was a refrigerator and freezer.

“That didn’t even look like a fridge!” Eva said too loud, and the maid came
back into the main kitchen from a side room. She stared at me frozen holding the
fridge doors open, caught. I felt my face warming up, and turning red as I stood
there everyone watching me. I quickly grabbed an apple that was placed in the
fridge letting go of the doors, awkwardly laughing turning around holding it in my
hand.

“I was just hungry, yeah. And um, I was really craving an apple I
guess.You know how that is when you crave something you have to have it” my

cheeks kept getting more and more warm as I stuttered laughing trying to keep
my voice light. I nervously shifted from one foot to the other as I watched my
audience.

The maid, Amy, just smiled at me shaking her head, “You could have just
asked.” She beamed at me. “It is ok how about you girls go down to the
basement with the other kids, and enjoy the party.” She said her voice way too
cheerful.

We all looked at each other, and quickly vacated the kitchen. As soon as
we got outside the tension melted away, and we all burst into laughter looking at
each others stunned faces. Then we scampered down the steps and through the
sliding glass door to the party below. The basement was huge with two long
couches, two arm chairs, and a flat screen tv. This was still at the point in time
where only very wealthy people had flat screen tvs, so I had never seen one in
person. We all walked up to the giant machine staring at the huge picture on it.
Wow was it huge, giant, amazing. Fern had a flat screen at her house, so she
stayed back rolling her eyes dramatically at us.

We walked into one of the room there were people scattered all through
the basement, and someone had just turned up the music loud and pumping. We
looked at the spread in David’s room in awe, it was a spread of every apple
product ever. There was the shuffle, the ipod nano, the ipod classic, the ipod, the
iphone, and even the ipad. Who had all of these amazing appliances? Who even

had a ipad. My thought were interrupted when someone entered the room, and
tapped me on the shoulder.

“Lavender will you help me with something?” I turn around to see a short
girl with long black hair and glasses, Morgan. “I kind of like this guy, but I am not
sure he like me back.” I raise my eyebrows at her not even having to ask she
quickly add, “It is Christian. I like Christian.” She smiled at all of us waiting for our
response.

The problem was that I like Christian too. Christian is in my science class
he is tall, lengthy with huge brown eyes and dark skin. He is the sweetest, most
funny guy that I know, and I guess I actually really like him. The thing is I could
not, would not ever tell her that. Not about to tell her that I quickly shrugged
nonchalantly. “Ok, I guess I could go talk to him about it, but I am not promising
anything. He and I are super close anyway I bet he will tell be who he liked right
now” I cool said shooting a glance wearily around at my other friends who knew
that I liked Christian and knew that he most likely he did not like Morgan. This
was not the first time she had, had me talk to one of the guys that she like, or the
last time.

I left my friends going to a mission to find Christian. I searched basement,
but all I found was a bathroom with a large fish tank in it. I quickly turned around,
and left that room. Who wants fish watching them go to the bathroom? That is so
creepy. I walked back outside it was dark now, the only lights being the full moon
and christmas lights they already had strung up for the party. I shivered walking

up the side stairway back past the food. I stood and listened it was quiet other
than the pumping from the base down stairs and yelling coming from the front of
the house. I started to recognize the voice then I realized the voice I heard it was
Christian’s. It was Christian who was yelling.

“Dude I’m open! I’m open! Seriously just pass the ball to me! Are you deff?
Pass the ball here!” He was yelling at someone.

He must be back at the basketball courts. I started walking towards the
basketball courts. I walked up to the full basketball court which was lit up by real
stadium lights. Six guys ran back a forth, and I finally spotted Christian. I waved
at him widely trying to get his attention. After a few minutes the group of guys
turn around running toward me, well actually the other net that was close to me.
Then Christian saw me smiling hugely waving back at me. I motioned for him to
follow me.

“Hey guys, I am need to go talk to Lavender.” He said walking away from
the game towards me.

“Hey,” I looked at my converse nervously looking at him, “I need to talk to
you.” I said softly glancing back at him as I began to walk back toward the house,
and he slowly started to follow me. I glanced back at him again he looked as
nervous as me.

“What’s going on?” He asked catching up to me casting a sidelong glance
at me. “Is it about how much you love me?” He asked smirking at me hugely
putting his arm around me.

“Uh not really,” I rolled my eyes taking his arm off me, “I was going to ask
you if you like Morgan, actually.” I laughed awkwardly at overly dramatic stop and
his stunned response constructed on his face. “Stop it, don’t be so dramatic! She
is not that bad she. Really she is not! She is, uh, actually nice and great person.”
I turned around looking at him raising my eyebrows at him shifting from one foot
to the other.

“Yeah, She is totally nice like a pack of wild wolves hunting a deer, and all
trying to taking it down.” He said sarcastically rolling his eyes at me. “But, you are
a nice person.” He whispered slowly smiling at me taking a few steps closer to
me.

“I uh need to go back, and talk to Morgan.” I backed up bumped the corner
of the the food table.

He raised his eyebrows at me looking confuse. “Wait Lavender. I-” I spun
around, and ran down the stair back to the basement and the loud music.
“Lavender, wait!” Christian yelled as I stumbled down the stairs and away from
him.

I crashed through the sliding glass door, and everyone stared at me
looking confused. I froze staring back at everyone pressing myself against the
sliding glass doors. My friends rushed to my side dragging me to the couches,
and pushing me down. Staring at me, waiting for me to tell them what Christian
said. Morgan ran up to me squeezing herself in between Eva and I, grabbing my
hand.

“What did he say? What did he say? Does he like me? Does he want to
date me? I want to date him. I really want to date him, Lavender.” She said
squeezing my hand painfully tight, her eyes widening to saucers. “What did she
say?” she leaned closer to me.

“He, uh, said you are nice.” I my voice shaking, it was not exactly a lie. I
didn’t want to hurt her. “He likes you as a friend. I think he might like someone
else.” I looked away trying not to see her disappointment as she let go of my
hand.

“Ask him who he likes.” Morgan ordered staring at me so hard I could feel
it even though I was not looking.

I slowly got up looking at my friends, and I slowly started walked away.
Going outside to the side of the house, leaning against the house and closing my
eyes tight. What am I even doing?

“Lavender, are you ok?” Christian said softly, “Now I need to talk to you
about something.” he touched my arm gently as he finished, “Come On let’s go
for a walk again.”

We started to climbing the stairs towards the food again trying not to look
at one another. When we go to the basketball court he grabbed my hand and
scooped a basketball off the ground smiling at me. I grabbed the basketball from
him dribbling and running towards the hoop. He grabbed me around the waist,
laughing. I fought out getting to the hoop and making a shot, and as it went in he
grabbed me again.

“Nice shot,” He laughed holding me closer. “Come on I want to talk to you
about something.” He let me go and we began to walk back toward the house
again.

“Ask me what I think about you.” He smiled at me nudging me gently as we
walked.

I stopped walking turning around looking at him “Ok, what do you think
about me Christian. Be honest. Just tell me the truth about what you think.” I said
looking into his eyes.

“Well, I think of you as a really close friend. A really close friend.” He
whispered wrapping his arm around me.
“Maybe a little too close.” the parent standing close to us said raising their
eyebrows.

Christian held me closer, and we walked down the stairs. We went to the
peer. My heart pounding louder and louder, making me feel so nervous. He held
me close, and he lead me to a bench by the peer. He looked at me smiling at me
just nervous as me.

“Hey, do you want to go out?” Christian said smiling at me nervously
leaning in and smiling at me.

My first relationship ever. I cannot believe that someone likes me. That has
never happened, ever. No one has ever liked me in this way, but this is
happening. Morgan, oh no she is going to be so crushed. What am I supposed to
do? Say no and hurt his feelings and his pride, or say yes and risk ending a

friendship and hurt her feelings and her pride. What should I do? He is waiting for
my answer right now, and I really do not have one for him. I don’t want anyone to
get hurt.

I open my mouth then close it the tension growing by as the seconds
ticked by. “I uh. I mean I.” I paused scared not sure of what to say. “I would love
to.” I finally get the words out. Staring at him intensely morphing into a growing,
huge smile.

“So, that is a yes?” He smiled at me holding my hand and I nodded at him,
“Great, I am so glad you said yes because now I can do this.” He leaned in about
to kiss me when we heard someone walking up behind us, and he quickly pulled
back.

“Guy we have to…” Morgan’s voice trailed off as she realized who was
about to kiss who. “Lavender, I cannot believe you would do this to me. You are
an awful friend.” I slowly turned around just in time to see her storming away from
us.

I jumped to my feet going to follow her, to explain myself and what was
going on. Christian caught my arm before I could go after her. “Just let her go. It
is not your problem anyways.” He said harshly staring up at me intensely pulling
me back down.

“We have to go.The bus will be leaving soon, and we cannot miss it. If we
miss it my mum will be upset. I also want to sit with you on the way back.” I said
jumping up ignoring his annoyed stare he directed at me. I just ruined that

moment, but I was so nervous. He makes me feel so nervous, that I cannot
breathe.

We did not talk on that walk on back to the bus. The silence grew, it was
not just a moment that I ruined between us. It was two people that I hurt, and it
was all my fault. All I do is hurt everyone around me, I am so stupid. We started
to get on the bus climbing up the stairs. I slid into the first open seat sliding to the
window trying to look at Christian. He still sat down by my side slipping his hand
into mine. That is when I realized that everything was going to be okay. He and I
were going to be okay.

“Hey, Lavender we are ok. I am sorry about what I said earlier to you.”
Morgan said stopping at she made her way to her seat. “You are not a terrible
friend. We are ok. Right? Please I am really sorry about what I said to you. What
do you say?”

I slid past Christian hugging Morgan, it is going to be ok now. All is
forgiven, and this is just middle school. This relationship at most will last about a
week. She and I both knew that deep down inside. We did not have to say
anything, we both just sat down know that everything was going to be ok. I did
not mess up or ruin anything in the end. Christian and I broke up a week later
because that is how middle school relationships go. That was the last week
where I felt like everything was ok. Not because the relationship ended, but
because something happened that changed everything.

Things change
I walk into school the next year, with the last year looming over me. I look down
that hallway frowning it is going to be just like last year. I nervously walked across the
linoleum floor to the stairs that lead up the middle school, and back up to those people. I
really did not want to come back this year, but here I am climbing the same stairs of the
same school. I sigh continuing to climb the stairs, I plaster a smile on my face walking
towards the middle school hallway lugging along all my school supplies for this year.
Before I open the door I do a mental check. First that all happened last year the kids
that were there last year might have left or at least have forgotten about it. Second
there will be new kids this year that will never know about what happened last year.
Third and most importantly he graduated last year, and I will never have to worry about
him again, I mean just his younger brother is still here so. I can’t think about that right
now, I need to think about the positive things not the negative things. I take a deep
breathe holding it and letting it go before I open the door slowly to the conference room
where all of the students waited. I slipped in surveying the crowd looking for Eve, one of
the only people who stood by me last year. Spotting her I quickly made my way to
her. She smiles at me as we wordlessly sit in the back of the room away from the group
of new kids who have taken over the room. No one has given me a dirty look yet, so
maybe they have all forgotten about what happened. I slump in my chair looking at Eve
looking at me expectantly. She touches my wrist which is covered by a black glove.

“You didn’t did you?” She drops her voice, “Please Lav, tell me you did not do
what I think that you did.” she studies me then the rest of the crowd who is ignoring us
at the moment.

She pulls down the glove wrapped tightly around my wrist, protecting it from the
eyes of the judgy middle schoolers. She sighs looking at the dash marks on my wrist
shaking her head.

“Lav, you can’t keep doing this to yourself. You need to stop, take a breathe and
not hurt yourself. Please if not for you then for me.” She whispered softly running her
fingers over my damaged wrist slowly shaking her head again. She looked at me so hurt
and disappointed.

I hung my head feeling like a child, “I’m sorry, I just . My dad is still not coming
back this year. Maybe it is my-” I stop short at the disappointed look on her face making
me feel even worse. “I couldn’t take things anymore, I just needed to feel something
other than hurt.”

Then I start to develop feelings for Aaron he is the first guy that I have liked since
him. Aaron makes me feel happy even in the darkness of what has happen in the past
he can make my world light and bright. I tell Eva about how I feel about him, and she
dares me to ask him out

“Lavender you have to! I dared you to ask out Aaron. Common it will be ok it will
be like a joke or something. I bet he will be fine. It will make him laugh or something.
Don’t worry about it!” Eva begs grabbing my arm smiling at me so hugely that I cannot
resist, but agree with her.

“Fine, but he is going to say no. It is just a stupid dare. It does not mean
anything.” I roll my eyes at her dramatically as I walk away from her going to my first

period. Thinking abou the first time I ever met Aaron he and I were in science class. I
was talk to one of my friends.

“Yeah I put this temporary tattoo on my hand, but now I kind of regret it. It looks
pretty stupid.” I say inspecting the lipstick kiss tattoo that I had decided to put on my
hand for some reason.

Aaron leans over inspecting it too, “You know it kind of looks like a hickey.” He
says smirking at me hugely, “By the way I am Aaron. Nice to meet you.” His smirk
grows even more confident.

“Lavender. Lavender. Lavender!” Eva snaps her fingers in front of my face, “You
zoned out again. What were you even thinking about? Were you thinking about Aaron
again?” She laughs winking at me.

We walk down the hallway to the library where our next class is, and where we
just happen to have the same class as Aaron. We get to the library, and then we climb
the stairs to the broadcast journalism room.

“Hey, Aaron, can I ask you something?” I ask my voice shaking as I walk up to
him trying to act super casual all cool, calm, and collected. “Outside I mean.” I say
turning around trying to ignore the nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. He gives
me a weird, confused look before he smiles at me,and follows me out into the library
without saying a word.

“What’s up?” Aaron says tossing his shaggy dark hair to the side smiling down at
me with those beautiful brown eye.

“Um well I was wondering.” I start training my eyes on my feet then holding my
breath and counting to ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine. My
thoughts are cut off.

“Lavender? You were wondering what exactly?” He asks looking confused and a
little annoyed. “We have to go back in soon because class is going to start, and you
know how Mr. Bow gets when we are late.” He finishes pulling at the blue sweatshirt he
is always wearing.

“I got dared to ask you out.” I say slowly feeling so stupid for even going through
with this it is a dare after all it is not like I am asking him out for real or that he would
even say yes if I did. “So, um do you want to go out with me, I mean be my boyfriend. I
guess.” I saying looking up at his stunned expression.

“I am not sure.” He looks at me stunned and confused. “I will give you answer by
the end of the day. Let’s just go back in the classroom for now.” He forces a smile on his
face, and places his hand on my back, giving me a small push back towards the
classroom.

My hopes plummet, as I realize he was probably just saying that for my benefit
he probably just wanted to spare my feelings. I square my shoulders walking back in,
and trying not look at Aaron and not to let this take down my pride I sit down by Eva.
who leans over to me smiling so huge. mouthing the words, “What did he say”. I smile
grimly, and her smile evaporates as we both direct our attention to Aaron, Patrick, and
Ian who are whispering in the other corner of the room all looking at me and then
quickly looking away. Then the twins, Demetry and Devin, come in joining them all
looking at me wearily. Then Bre comes in glancing at the boys then at Eva and I quickly

joining us looking nervous. She pulls up one of the rolly chairs quickly dropping down
and leaning close into us.

“What in the world is going on with those guys up to right now? It looks like they
are planning something!” She whisper yells staring at us her eyes widening as she
realizes what is going on. “You did it didn’t you? You asked him out?” She drops her
voice staring at me. I slowly nod at her feeling my stomach drop like I on a rollercoaster,
and it does not help that she is just staring at me without saying a word. With a
concerned look on her face.

“Ok time to get class started!” Mr. Bow yells at us in his scottish accent and his
permanently pissed off face, “We are very behind the other class. I swear if I could I
would give you all detention, but I can’t. Can I?” He says annoyed giving each one of us
our own glares. We all shake our head looking at each other as we do so. We all know
what he thinks of us. He thinks that we are the worst class that he has ever had. We
also know something else about him, he is sexist. Every middle schooler at the school
knows this too, but for this class he makes it even more clear. Which is absolutely
painful for everyone in that class.

Later on that day
I wait impatiently at the doorway waiting to get out of class waiting for the bell to
ring. I cannot believe I asked him out even for a dare. I feel so silly for even thinking that
he would ever like me of all people. The bell rings and well all push to get out of the
middle school hallway and get home. There might only be 60 of us, but at the end of the
day there might as well 600 of us trying to get out of the narrow hallway first. I quickly
veer off to into my homeroom, pulling open the door and ducking in getting away from
the cautious of the outside.
“Hey, Lavender how was your day?” My homeroom teacher, Ms. Lin, says
beaming at me. She is always so happy and always smiling, I wonder how she is
always able to do that.
“I’m okay.” I say smiling at her even though I my nerves are building up like crazy
as I make my way across the room to my computer station, “How are you doing today?”
I ask cheerfully.
“I am doing well! I hope you have a wonderful long weekend.” She says beaming
at me I finish plugging in the computer and turn to walking out of the room, and she
waves at me. “Bye!” She calls, and I wave back at her smiling huge pulling open the
door.
Aaron is waiting for me right outside the room, and I jump when I see him
standing there watching at me. “Hey, so I am ready to give you my answer.” He says
shifting as he looks at me.
Does he look nervous or is just me. I start walking towards the end of the hallway
adjusting my bag higher on my shoulder. He falls into step with me, and we begin to

walk out of the hallway. Then he stops staring down at me nervously clearing his throat
and taking a step forward.

“I wanted to tell you yes. Yes I want to go out with you.” He said smiling at me
taking my hand.

“Really?” I say softly smiling up at him. Him nodding back at me a smile
overtaking his face.

“Really, really.” He says putting his arm around my shoulder, and we start to walk
down the stairs to Eva who is absolutely beaming at me.

“He said yes!” I mouth staring at her and she mouths back, “Obviously!” I cannot
believe this is happening. The first guy that I have dated since that thing that happened
a last year. That terrible thing that I cannot even say out loud now. Maybe one day I will
be able to tell him about that think, but right now I am too scared. Anyway it is too soon
to tell him something like that. This is just the beginning, and this time it really was just
the beginning. After that day we stayed together for a whole year, and it was the most
magical time.

I finally got a chance with a new guy that had no idea what happened last year
that was until the next day.

The Corn Maze
I hold a ring in my hand looking at the pattern of a dreamcatcher on it. It is
not just any old ring it is the promise ring Aaron gave to me that one perfect day.
Maybe it was too soon, I mean we had been dating for two months, but he was
my first love. I haven’t talked to him since sophomore year either and I really do
miss him. I had a second chance to be with him, to be with my first love, but I
turned it down. It was all too complicated between me living in Oregon and us
having dated in so long ago it just did not feel right. Now I hold the ring he gave
me five years ago when we fell in love for the first time. When things were right,
and that day was so right. I still remember that day that he gave me that ring, but
that was not the only thing that happened that day that was special. It was a day
of new experience.
My dad left last night, and this time he will not be back in a few months,
but gone for good to Las Vegas. Which was hundreds of miles away from Minnesota.
That was the day I did not want to talk to anyone because it hurt too much. I missed my
dad already, and I did not know what to do. All day people asked me if I was ok every
five seconds. I just want them to leave me alone, and stop asking me questions about
how I am feeling. Even Aaron keeps asking me if I am ok, but it the thing is that it
obvious that I am not ok. I just want my dad to come back home, and stop leaving me,
but I cannot tell him or anyone that. If I do I will start crying, and I refuse to cry infront of
everyone like that. Eva is the only one that I can tell about how I am really feeling, so at
the end of the the day when we were about to get on the bus to go to the corn maze, I
walk up to Aaron.

“I need to talk to Eva on the way to the corn maze. I really hope you do not
mind.” Say squeezing his hand forcing a smile on my face. He frowns not looking very
sure of himself.

“Okay I guess, but you will sit next to me on the way back. Right? I have
something special for you, and I need the right time to give it to you.” he said holding my
hand tighter looking nervously at me.

“I will I promise.” I say holding out my pinky finger to him smiling hugely as he
holds out his pinky finger to me. “I am really excited to see what you got me it sound
truly amazing.” I say as we smile at each other holding hands until we get to the stairs
on the bus.

I walk onto the bus searching for Eva as I walk through the aisle finally spotting
her small frame positioned curled up in a seat about halfway through the bus. “I did not
even see you Eva. You are so tiny.” I say laughing waiting for her to make room for me
to sit by her.

“Is that a short joke. I told you not to insult my shortness anymore!” She
exclaimed making room for me to sit next to her. “Are you ready? It is pretty cold
outside. Wait a second are you ok?” She raised her eyebrows at me as I slumped in the
seat.

“My dad left today.” I say my voice shaking as I look at past her out the window of
the bus. “I do not know what to do. I already miss him. I am not going to see him until
spring break.” I could feel the tears coming hot in the back of my throat as I gripped my
hat and mitten trying to wild the tears to fall back and disappear, but they did not did not,
coming tumbling down my cheeks.

“I am here for you. It is all going to be ok.” She said grabbing my wrist staring at
me. “Please do not cry, you know how the teachers get when people cry. They like freak
out and do not know what to. It is just better not to cry.” She quickly hugged me trying to
muffle the tears.

The rest of the car ride was spent in quiet whispering about my dad, what we
thought Aaron is going to give me, and Demetre the boy that is obsessed with Eva. The
rest of the bus bursting with the sounds of excited noise of 40 middle schoolers. The we
finally got to the corn maze where one of the teachers gave gave us a long lecture
about how this was a privilege, and then I zoned until everyone stood up. I quickly stood
up too pushing my way to get off the bus. Feel the anxiety of the heat of 40 bodies
trapping me, and I finally got to the front of the bus first, and jumped down into the the
cold, crisp air. There were so many trees the leaves still hanging on. Sweet with the
smell of fall cold cool, leaves fresh falling off the trees, and fresh apples just plucked off
the trees. I push, and get to the door of the small shop first opening it a small tinkle goes
off when I open it. There is a soft hum of conversation in the shop filling the room like
the small bell that rings when the door is opened.The warmth and scent of cinnamon of
the store wrapping me up like a hug. I walk through the store running my hand over the
smooth oak carved statues. Walking deeper and deeper into the store getting lost in all
of the beautifully hand crafted objects.

“Time for the school group to go out to the corn maze” Announced an invisible
voice.

I started towards the door joining my classmates on our journey into the cold of
Minnesota. We all waited outside for the tractor because you know they would not let us

stay inside to wait. Ten minutes later the tractor finally pulled up, and I mounted it alone
because that was what I need right then. I need to be alone. The tractor wove its way
through the apple trees with their bright colors and apples still clinging on them for dear
life. Then in the distance the corn maze came into sight like a beacon of excitement
getting everyone riled up. This time I waited for all the other to get off, I sat patiently.
Then I got off last starting to walk getting lost in the corn maze alone making me
nervous. I was walking through the quiet corn maze the world growing darker and
darker as I walk deeper in. As I walk I can feel someone walking behind me, watching
me. Then it happened someone attacked me, and I screamed. A flock of crow flying up
into the sky like a scary movie.

“Lavender. It is ok it is just me. I did not mean to scare you that terribly!” Aaron
whispered holding me. “I mean I kind of meant to scare you, but I never thought you
would scream that loud. I mean you scared those crows pretty bad too so I guess we
are even.” He trailed off.

I glared at him. “Not even you scared me so much.” I say continue to glare at
him,and then turn and begin to walk again, but he grabs my arm turning me around to
look at him again.

“I have something for you that will make up for that stupid prank.” He whispered
getting down on one knee.

“What are you doing?” I whisper staring at him with wide eyes as he holds my
hands.

“Hold on,” he pulled out a ring. “This is not an engagement ring we are way to
young for that. This is a promise ring. It is a promise that I will never hurt you. It is a

promise that I will never cheat on you. It is a promise that I will never push you to do
anything you are not comfortable with. Finally it is a promise that as long as we are
together I will love you.” He smiled slipping the ring on my finger, and standing up
pulling me in.

“Yes, a million times yes.” I held him closer smiling up at him, “I love you so
much.” I whisper.

The he slowly leaned down, and in that cornfield I had my first kiss. My first real
kiss I had ever had, and it was absolutely positively amazing. It will be something that I
will never forget.

“I love you too. Now we need to find our way back, together now.” He lead me
through the cornfield or at least tried to. We got lost a handful of times or maybe more
than a handful of times. When we finally found our ways out of that cornfield we were
both frozen half to death, on the bright side not everyone had exited the corn maze yet
therefore the teachers had no reason for them to freak out about Aaron and I were
alone together. We came walking out of the corn maze, holding hands smiling from ear
to ear as we walked into our future. We sat wait for Eva to come out of the maze. Then
the students started to trickle out of the maze as time slowly we on. We also slowly
began to freeze as the world grew darker. The world was only lit by small lamps place
on the picnic table he and I sat at. We softly whisper waiting patiently to be bused back
to the small store where all of our treats waited for us. Then the teachers finally gave
the finally warning call and collected the last few stragglers. We all huddle again waiting
for the tractor to pull up, and take us away from this cold dark place. When it all the
students crowded to be the first one on the tractor which did not help them. Aaron, Eva,

and I all hung back waiting to be the last ones on the tractors, but us being smarter
knew we would be the first ones off. Then the door was closed, and the tractor made
the journey back to the tiny shop with the warmth, the sweet smells, the sweet treats,
and the smooth wooden chairs. All I could smell was the cold of the air and the old
straw we sat upon. Then there was a flicker of light in the distance, it was the small
store. The light began to flicker brighter and brighter, closer and closer, making us more
and more excited. The anticipation of warming our frozen fingers, noses, ears, bodies
by the fire was enough to drive a person mad. Then the tractor finally pulled up in front
of the tiny shop, and Eva, Aaron, and I jumped up waiting to be released from the
freezing prison. The door was unlatched, and the people behind us pushing causing me
to fall from the platform Aaron catching me just in time, saving me. He held me close
for a second my heart pounds, we stared at one another not even having to say I love
you because we could see it in each other's eyes. He jumped down holding my hand
helping Eva and I off the tractor then taking my hand as walking toward the warmth and
the food my stomach all the while growling like a wild animal. He opened the door for us
the warm air hitting up encircling us, and we rushed to the blazing fireplace in the corner
of the bakery portion of the small shop warming ourselves with the heat. Then the smell
or warm doughnuts and hot apple cider reached us leading us to the counter. Where a
women smiling cheerfully at us handed us each one donut and one cup of apple cider
with a warm inviting smile.

I received the presents taking the warm doughnut in one hand, and a hot apple
cider in the other hand returning the smile grateful for the amazing food, my best friend,
and the boy that I had fallen in love with. Tonight was a night for firsts: my first kiss, my

first promise, my first love. The sweet smells floating up to me tickling my nose and
making me forget what I had been so concentrated on. I stood there taking in everything
the cinnamon spice, warmth making my mouth water, and the soft murmur sending me
into a trance. When I snapped out I was still standing alone, so I went to find a table
then patiently wait for Aaron and Eva to join me. They both came to join me, and we all
sit together looking at one another in complete happiness and gratitude. I could not
have asked for better friends to spend this amazing day. Then we collectively all take a
bit of the warm cinnamon and sugar doughnut warming my whole body completely.
Then I take a sip of the hot apple cider sweet and spicy.

I set down the food looking at it feeling guilty. I know I shouldn’t I am a kid I
should not be thinking about how I think that I am fat. I shouldn’t be think about this, I
mean I know it is not important, but it is in some ways.

“Is something wrong?” Aaron whispers reachers out taking my hand glancing
nervously at the teachers who are very strict about PDA. He pauses before continuing,
“Lavender? What is it?” He looks worried now, and all I can do is clear my throat and
look away at the teachers.

“I am ok I am just not really hungry-” I cut off looking at the teachers who now are
looking at us with disapproving looks on their face. I quickly pull away my hand, “We
need to be careful. I am ok.” I finish putting my hands in my lap studying them nervously
then I look up again.

The teachers now are looking at us in a more approving way, and then they go
back to talking about whatever teachers talk about.

Freshmen Year
My watch starts to buzz, and buzz, and buzz springing me out of deep
dreamless sleep. First day of normal school, not in Minnesota, but in Oregon. my
first thought is that I can’t believe that I made it out of that mental institution in
one piece. My second is what in the world am I going to wear. It needs to be
something normal. What is normal for a high schooler to wear? No one can know
that I was a insane asylum. I can feel pressure of it all on my chest pressing,
pressing down I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe. My vision starts to
blur then dot over til I can not see anything, but the terrible memories. Breathe I
command myself, BREATHE. I breathe in deeply, and slowly let out the air.
Filling my lungs completely and then deflating them completely. I will myself to
Inhale and exhale, until my vision returns. That can never happen at normal
school either, at least this time I did not faint. I am a Sophmore in highschool,
and I am determined to be a normal high school student. It is 5:30, and I have
cross country practice.
10,000 meters later thing and slightly dying on the way back, works in
research and development at another company. When I get to the front door I
wrench it open.
The house is a italian meets western styled villa. When one walks in the
front opens into a foiler which leads to a grand staircase in the middle to the right
is the hallway to the living room, and to the left is the hallway to the kitchen . I run
to the ravenous kitchen to grab a quick snack. Still in my aqua Speedo, the brand

the type, swimsuit. I get there and grab one of my gluten free, vegan, whole food
bars that my mom insisted on getting be. As well as being insane or as they call it
having “mental issues” I also have several dietary restrictions. I literally inhale
that bar like nobody’s business. Then I scamper up the grand staircase taking a
right into the bonus room, going through the bonus room to the side staircase
that leads to my room. As I crash through the door already, ready to take that
shower and relax my already sore muscles. It hits me like a ton of bricks. That is
what always happen when I remember what something, something bad. Will I
have to tell people what happened to me? I mean not right away, but eventually
when I get to know them better. I will never be able to be really honest with
anyone. Next comes the real struggle of wedge myself out of the swimsuit that
seems as though it has glued itself to my skin. the water hits my skin When I get
out I stare at myself in the mirror.

I wrap a towel around me trying not to look to look at the scars that adorn
my, now slender, body. I walk into my bedroom, I actually have a bedroom, and it
is beautiful. There Two floor to ceiling windows with my bed in the middle. Before
I go on I should explain that I do know what happened in during that thing, but I
will never tell anyone as long as I live what happened. One day people will know
what happened to me, but they will never know my part in the whole mess. I will
take that to my grave. I stare out my huge window that overlooks a trees, trees,
and more trees as well as a railroad track much, much further away. I sigh pulling
on shorts and a purple camisole, then a charcoal grey t shirt. I study myself in the

mirror- my hair is now a very, very light light chestnut, my frame short and now
very slender toned from running about three hours a day and running for one
hour, all distance all the time. I walk back to the bathroom, and cover my face
with the BB cream and moisturizer blending it together artfully with my fingertips,
and then apply the mascara to my eye lashes, and the brow pencil to my
eyebrows skillfully. Last finishing touch is my hair using a special conditioner to
help to bring it back to life from the chlorine that murders it and ever so slowly
kills it. I examine my handy work as I grab my black backpack from beside my
bed. It is time for me to go to school. The first day of school, and I am absolutely
positively terrified. I walk down all of the stairs and back to the kitchen to see
what our cook made me for lunch, yes cook. See when you have been in a
mental institution as a child your parents will try whatever way they can to make
you feel as comfortable as possible, with a cook, tutors, personal trainers,
drivers, and whatever my heart desires. I inspect the food that is neatly packed
into a lunch box- a fancy salad, with equally fancy cut up fruit, and a piece of
oatmeal bake. Then I go outside my driver waits in the driveway, and I quickly
climb into the mercedes.

In the blink of an eye we are at school, in the parking lot. I get out of the
car slowly studying my surroundings- the kids getting off of busses and out of
cars. I study the building nervously.

Sophomore Year
I have no friends. Every single person that said that they loved me and cared
about me at that school hates me in reality. They think that I am a slut, and a terrible
person. I see the looks they give me, I hear the whispering all around me. What they do
not know is that I go home every single night crying with the hurt of what they have
been say behind my back. He said she said. That is what they tell me. It was not all my
fault what happened between him and I, but maybe it was. It does not mean that they
have to treat me like I am no longer I person. What they will never know is that with ever
word they whisper a new mark on my body appears that I make. I am not sure how to
stop. This was my sophomore year it all started with a simple mistake that just spiraled
out of control.
I rush to get my folder for choir my legs taking me as fast as they could. I
oblivious look over my shoulder, and walk straight into James who drops all of his
books, papers, and folders. I freeze my cheeks feel as if someone has set them on fire
with a match.
“Oh my goodness! I am so sorry!” He opens his mouth to say something,”No
really I am so sorry! I am such a klutz! Let me help you pick up this mess!” I quickly
kneel down picking up all of the papers that now decorate the floor, handing them all
back to him.
“Lavender,” He starts softly, “It is ok. You really did not have to pick up all of the
papers I could have helped you. Really it is ok.” He smiles at me sweetly and I smile.