It Seemed Like a Good Idea

“Again I am sorry I will pay better attention next time to my surroundings. I swear
I will.” I whisper.

“Lavender, really it is ok,” he whispers back touching my arm, “Thank you for
picking up my papers though that was very kind of you.” He smiles at me then walks
past me to his seat.

I breathe feeling my cheeks burn with what just happened. Then I have a terrible
feeling in the pit of my stomach, I look up and my “friend” Talia is staring at me, no
glaring at me as if I had just declared World War Boy on a piece on her property, and I
was going to lose. My stomach drops with nerves and anxiety. I know that whatever
happens next is absolutely positively my fault. I knew I should have not mess with her
crush.

Sophomore was the year I transitioned from on as a high carb raw vegan. A high
carb raw vegan is an extremely restrictive diet where one would not eat any cooked
foods and very little fat and protein. Most people that follow this lifestyle have the
breakdown of 80% calories from carbs, 10% from fats, and 10% from protein. It was
sophomore year when this happened, and it was the worse year of my life eating about
2,500 to 3,000 calories per day. One would get most of their calories from eating
bananas and dates. Yes this is a real lifestyle, and yes it is as insane and expensive as
it sounds. At the times it seemed like an amazing thing that would help me lose weight.
Yes, I wanted to lose weight! I also wanted to feel more alive and happy in my daily life.
I every day I wish I could go back and redo that year because that year sent me on a
downward spiral, and so many opportunities were lost.

I knew that things had to change, and from the beginning of sophomore year I
was looking for answers. Then I would what I was looking for, something that I thought
that I could do. I tried to go on diets where I would eat only 1200 calories a day or I
would try to not eat carbs, but those diet never worked for me. I finally had energy, I was
finally happy for once. What did not know was I had trade one eating disorder for
another. I had trade mental illness for a physical illness. I lived by the idea that if I
“Carbed the fuck up” which was not the way to go at all.

Sitting at my computer I looked up up “ways to lose weight fast.” I sift through
stupid, obviously fake video of people promising that they lost 30 pounds in a week and
it will work for you too. Then I find a video that promises that I can eat all I want and lose
weight too. Oh my goodness, why not try that I thought to myself as I clicked on the
video.

“Hi, I am Freelee the banana girl….” A very slim women on the computer with a
shining smile sang out of the speakers on my computer. She explained what 80/10/10
was how healthy it is, how natural it is, and how ethical it is.

I am a vegetarian already how hard would it be to go all the way, and not eat milk
or eggs? I will still be eating everything else. I bet this will work for me even better than
being just a vegetarian. I smile to myself thinking I will be doing even better for the
animals than I already am.

“Of course you will be eating unlimited calories. I myself eating 3,000 or more
calories a day.” She went on to say dancing around the screen putting ten bananas in a
blender at once.

I froze looking at the screen, and then I started laughing. She spoke of eating
thirty bananas in a single day. That is crazy I thought to myself as I shut the lid of the
laptop, but maybe it will work for me. That was the first day I started eating this way, and
I was eating unlimited calories.

The next day I woke up knowing that everything was about to change. It was five
a.m. and my first day I swimming. I hurried down the stairs with all of my bags and
clothing totally nervous for that first day. I started to collect my food for the day, the day
before we had gone to the grocery store. I bought bananas, and so many other fruits
that would make me slim just like freelee. Now I sat in the dark 5 a.m. eating two
bananas before my first practice then after practice I ate six more.

Cut to only one week later of this raw till four lifestyle, and I was sick. I had
stomach pains, and even I threw up. I open my eyes feeling this stabbing pain in my
stomach tears dotted my eyes as I rushed to the bathroom throwing myself over that
porcilin bowl releasing everything.

I run down the road trying to control my breathing at I went. It seems as though
all of my troubles were just melting away. I finally know what to do to not feel the way
that I have been feeling. I finally know how to pull myself out of the darkness of the hole
that I sometimes tumble down. I felt light gliding down the street, shedding all of my
problems floating out, bursting out of the dark abisk that tried to contain me and my
soul. I had chosen to run alone today starting ahead of the rest of the running club. I
had found running a few months ago, and I was hooked. It was the only thing that I
could do to keep from letting the darkness swallow my soul whole again. My feet hit the
sidewalk as the trees fly by me melting into backdrop. I wait by the stop sign waiting for

a moment to dash across the busy street to the other side. The music thumps in my
ears, keeping me zoned out from all of the problems and drama that clutter my brain
threatening to overwhelm at any moment. I finally see a opening, and that is when I go
for it dashing across the street where the old church is, and that is where I like to take a
second to stretch and breathing. I breathe looking around me there is a cemetery, but
other than that, and the church, that is is nothing, but farm land. i take a deep breath
ready to start again. I fly down the large hill that stretches out as the land flattens out I
find my pace. I focus on the music in my ears, my breathing, and the farmland around
me. I feel the freedom of the road beneath my feet. I run pastI run down the road trying
to control my breathing at I went. It seems as though all of my troubles were just melting
away. I finally know what to do to not feel the way that I have been feeling. I finally know
how to pull myself out of the darkness of the hole that I sometimes tumble down. I felt
light gliding down the street, shedding all of my problems floating out, bursting out of the
dark abisk that tried to contain me and my soul. I had chosen to run alone today starting
ahead of the rest of the running club. I had found running a few months ago, and I was
hooked. It was the only thing that I could do to keep from letting the darkness swallow
my soul whole again. My feet hit the sidewalk as the trees fly by me melting into
backdrop. I wait by the stop sign waiting for a moment to dash across the busy street to
the other side. The music thumps in my ears, keeping me zoned out from all of the
problems and drama that clutter my brain threatening to overwhelm at any moment. I
finally see a opening, and that is when I go for it dashing across the street where the old
church is, and that is where I like to take a second to stretch and breathing. I breathe
looking around me there is a cemetery, but other than that, and the church, that is is

nothing, but farm land. i take a deep breath ready to start again. I fly down the large hill
that stretches out as the land flattens out I find my pace. I focus on the music in my
ears, my breathing, and the farmland around me. I feel the freedom of the road beneath
my feet. I run past the largest farm on this street. I lengthen my stride as I go up the hill
controlling my breath as I make the climb. Then there is the curve in the road, and
instead of turning around and going back I surge ahead into unknown territory. I run that
corner seeing to my right a Christmas Tree farm, to my left a small, rundown house, and
in front of me nothing, but road. I take a deep breath, and I keep going further and
further out until the road turns to gravel, and that is when I turn back past the trees, onto
the paved road, past the Christmas Tree farm, the other farm, and across the busy
road. By the time I get back the running club is just ending, and I feel like I have been
flying.

I feel like I am almost myself until I see one of Talia’s soldiers, Silvia, walked up
to me glaring at me. I freeze that amazing feeling of an amazing run disappearing into
fear and stress. I hold my breathe as she approaches me. Maybe she is just going to
leave me alone, and is just walking towards the door. She is not going to talk to me, but
I was wrong about that.

“What do you think you are doing,” She starts snarky and when I give her a
confused look she goes on, “You act like you are all sweet and innocent, but you try to
take what important to someone away from them. You ruin everything you touch, and
everyone knows it.”

“What,” I stammer staring at her, “I don’t do that. I don’t think I do that.” I finish in
a whisper trying not to give away that I am terrified about what she is about to say next.

“You are trying to take away everyone’s happiness. You are purposefully trying to
hurt everyone.” She snarled taking a step closer to me, and glaring at me like I had just
done the worst thing that anyone could possibly imagine.

I took a step back feeling her words hit me like a ton of dirt burying me even
deeper, “Please just leave me alone,” I start looking away trying not to disappear into a
puddle of tears. “You do not even know me. You don’t know what your group has been
putting me through.”

“Well you deserve every bit of what people are saying about you. All you try to do
is steal the crushes that your friends have. You know you do not have to be happy and
smiling all the time for a guy to like you. Doing that just makes you more fake than you
already are.” She spits at me looking so proud of herself that she could conjure up such
terrible words and hurt from nothing at all.

I swallow backing away from her, and I could feel the tears coming hot in the
back of my throat threatening to break through. “You don’t know me. You have no right
to-” I stammer, but when I see a cruel smirk spread across her face I shut down. “I
need to go my mum will be here soon.” The words tumbling out of my mouth like a jet
fuel fueling her smirk and her confidence that she is right, but the thing is she is not right
about me, well not completely anyway.

What she did not know was the second I walked away from that conversation,
and I got in the care with my mum I burst into tears. How could she just say those things
and act so superior? Silvia was supposed to be one of my friends, then again Talia was
supposed to be my friend too. I had done nothing to those girls, but yet I had become
their target. Have you ever heard the say, “No one know what goes on behind closed

doors”. Well that could not have been more true for this situation. They did not know
what was going on in my world. Where I went after that confrontation was to my
therapist’s office. I bet they never would have guessed. I act happy all the time for a
reason. It is easier than being upset even for a second, and having some ask if I am ok.
People mean the best when they ask if you are ok, but the thing is whenever I am asked
that small question I disappear into a river of tears. It is just better not to go there. I can’t
tell my mom what is wrong with me. Currently I can’t tell her anything because I worry
that I might hurt her. I made her worry so much when I was in middle school that I never
want to make her feel that way again, so when she asks I am ok. I just wordlessly nod,
staring out the window of the car.

Junior Year

“Lavender!” screams a voice behind me, “Lavender!” I turn around, Jammie
stands in her pajamas staring at me looking confused. “We do not have school today!
You can go home!” she cries laughing at me.

“Oh god,” I laugh hitting the palm of my hand to my head, “Yay, I am going to go
home now” I awkwardly back up going back to the my house pulling out my phone as I
go. I dial a phone number that I have never actually dialed before

I hold the phone to my ear laughing as he jokingly tells me to hurry up because
he is already at the park. Then I start run, but it is hard because I am short and it does
not help that he is making me laugh so much. I push my long curly brown hair out of my
face trying to stop laughing at his corny jokes.
"Are you running?" He asks choking on laughter.
"Stephin, why are you are so mean to me?" I shoot back.
"I see you!" He sing songs in a creepy voice.

I see him, and that dopey smile that lights up his face reaching even his brown eyes
whenever he gets to see me. I miss that. I run straight into his arm, and he brushes the
hair out of my brown eyes, and there is a moment when I think he might kiss me then
the moment disappears. It turns into our smile war: we smile in this stupid way and then
we smile bigger and bigger until I push him. He winks at me mouthing, “I win”. I roll my
eyes dramatically pushing him forward, and we begin to walk to the woods like we
always do. We walk through the park then onto the road because that is no sidewalk.
Because who needs a sidewalk. Stephin takes my hand and leads me in front of him,
and we do not really talk during. It can get pretty loud on this road. We finally get to the

woods, but first we have to run across the street. We look at each other than we look
both ways waiting for an opening.
“Ok, one two-” I start and Stephin cuts me off.
“Three!” he yells laughing and sprinting ahead of me.
“That is not fair! Get back here!” I yell through fits of laughter.

He stops abruptly so that I will run right into him, and he smiles down at me this
time his mop of blonde hair falls into his face just a bit. Stephin and I have been friends
for a while now, but today something feels different. I start to notice his cute habits, his
sweet smile, how his hair is messy but in attractive way. I think I am starting to like him,
but the problem is I am not ready to like anyone until I have worked out my problems.
He snaps his fingers in front of my face, and I notice he has moved a little closer to me.
My heart does something it has never done before it skips like a broken record then it
tries to make up by speeding up.
“We should go find somewhere to sit down. My legs are sore from running…” I trail off
as I quickly sidestep him walking to the trail.

I feel so stupid right now that could have been an amazing moment, and I always
screw everything up. He catches up to me, and he looks like a wounded puppy. I want
to run home, and climb under the covers and cry. I feel so awful right now. I stare at my
feet as we walk.
“Are you still thinking about that thing?” He asks softly touching my hand.
“Kind of…” I whisper my voice catching, my heart aching for him to hold like he does
when ever I am upset.

“You know you deserve so much better than what you got.” He says firmly pulling me
into an awkward side hug and smiling down at me.

All I can think is how I am not ready for this, and how he does not know what I
am really dealing with. Also how I cannot do anything right ever, and how I know his not
so secret about what happened in his last relationship. I do not think I could ever be
emotionally with a person who has cheated on someone. I sigh as we continue to walk
down the trail, and again we do not talk until we get to the little pavilion in the middle of
the woods. It is almost perfect it is a circular grassy area surrounded by trees and a
road, and in the center in a pavilion with benches.

We sit down, and Stephin pulls out his phone. Serious, why did he just take out
his phone? I feel so annoyed by this I simply take it right out of his hand, and I start
taking pictures. His arms encircle me as he tries to take it away, and eventually he
succeeds. He still has me in his arms and I look up at him. It all happens so fast, he
leans down pulling me closer, and kisses me. It takes me a while to realize what
happened. The problem is not that it happened it is that this has happened before only
this time it feels different. I am scared for what is going to happen next.

I quickly jump up, and start walking away towards a different path. Then I feel his
hand on my arm. I twist my body, so that I am facing him. Looking up into those brown
eyes. This is happening too quickly, I am not ready to feel this way about anyone. I just
can't, and this is all I can think about. I just want to run away, but his hand is on my arm
paralyzing me. My heart is pounding. He opens his mouth then closes it looking away. I
want to cry I feel so awful.

"I..." I begin then I trail off looking away too then I try again, "I...I'm um sorry
about that I just...", but he cuts me off before I can ramble any more than I already have.

"Don't be. Let's just walk for a while." He says coldly trying not to make eye
contact with me.

My stomach twists, and I feel sick, nervous, and stupid. I nervously nodge him
and he tries not to look at me, so I nudge him again and this time he looks at me. His
eyes are filled with hurt and confusion, and stomach is doing somersaults inside of me.
Then the look in his eyes evaporates like magic, and he is smiling at me like he always
does.

I hit him playfully, "I thought you were going to hate me forever after that. I didn't
mean-" I start jokingly only to be, in his usual fashion, cut off.

"You know I bet you could not go a week without hitting me like that. Actually I
want to do this if you don't hit me this whole week I will get you a Jamba Juice, but if you
do you have to get me jamba juice." He says smirking at me.

"Oh, it is so on. I am going to win this!" I yell my voice echoing through the forest
as we walk down another path.

"I forgot to tell you about something," he exclaims over dramatically.
I raise my eyebrows, "I don't trust you what it that you "forgot" to tell me about?"
As I finish the sentence I cross my arm trying really hard not to laugh and trying extra
hard to look annoyed. He knows that I will never be able to keep that up as he elbows
me gently.
"My uncle in Canada got a one of those husky puppy that do not grow very large.
it was so cute." He starts, and like the girly girl I am I have to make awwwww sound. He

goes on quickly, "Yeah I know, and when we were there over winter break we decide to
lock it outside. We thought it need to toughened up. We left it there, and it was crying
and whining for so long-"

Making an annoyed face I get totally suckered in and I hit him, but then I freeze
knowing what I have done, "You are such a terrible person!" I scream at him, "Why
would you do that you probably scared that poor animal for life. I mean who would be
that cruel-" I stop short when I see the huge smirk that has spread across his face, "Oh,
no." I breathe hitting my palm to my head.

"I win! That was not even a real story. You are so gullible." he nudges me
smiling, and putting his arm around me as we get to the other clearing. The clearing is
small, and surrounded by huge oak trees and a single bench placed in the center. With
a look out point with bricks haphazard placed with the a old wooden guard rail built on
top. This look out looks over a picturesque lake.

I haven't told anyone about this place except him. This is my place to be alone.
This is my place to think. Since this stupid mistake, I have never been able to come
back to this place without disappearing into a puddle of tears.

He pulls me in like he has done so, so many times smiling so happily. Maybe that
is what love is. That look in his eyes where he smiling at me. Is that love or that just him
trying to get me to kiss him again. I hate kissing people it is so uncomfortable, I guess I
am weird. I reach out and hold his hand maybe this is love, but how can you know if you
have never had that before, really had that before. I just want him to hold me, and not
try to kiss me.

“Lav, hello.” Stephin says waves his hand in front of my face. Somehow he has
materialized right in front of me, and I just stare up at him like an idiot. Then that thing
happens again.

He pulls me in, and I don’t fight it trying my best to kiss back passionately, but I
am so bad at this. When I kiss him it always feel wrong, like we are doing something
wrong which I guess we are. He pulls me closer and closer. He presses his lips against
mine with an urgency feverishly searching for something that might or might not be
there. I feel so confused, my feelings are so muddled at this point. I think I like him, but
we are moving so fast.

“It is getting dark. I need to go home right now!” I mumbling quickly taking a few
steps before I tripping over a root, and he catches me. We stare at each other for a
beat, and he lets me go. We start walking back to the original park, and it really is
getting dark. We quickly start walking down a side path that was once lit by the sun and
seemed safe, but is now pitch black it is not safe anymore. I move a little closer to
Stephin my heart pounding. He doesn’t even look at me, and we continue in completely
awful silence.

“Lav, do you want to go out.” Stephin voice cuts through the silence, and freezes
me in place for a beat.

“I don’t know.” my voice tumbles out of my mouth to quickly before I can even
think, “You know that I am still working through stuff.” the last words coming out so
strained, and I can feel the tears coming hot in the back of my throat. I swallow hard, but
I feel a single wet tear slide down my cheek.

“You know if you don’t want to you could have just said no.” His voice cut me like
a knife and I feel more tears falling down my cheeks. “You are such a tease. Just don’t
talk to me after this, this is done.” Stephin starts to quicken his steps leaving me in the
dark alone.

I run home crying. It is dark outside, and I feel so alone I just lost the only
person in my life, at this point, that really understood who I am. What was
happening in my brain. I take a deep breathe before I go inside the house. I know
we are leaving soon to go the presentation that ultimately send my world
spiraling down. I do not know how much more I can handle. It has been two
years since I have done what I am going to do tonight, but that happens later. I
run upstair, and I change into a black skirt, black cardigan, and black tank top it is
just one of those kind of day. I walk down the stairs.

“You look very color coordinated.” My mom says smiling at me slightly
trying to get me to smile too. She knows something is wrong with me, but she
does not say anything about it.

I hate when she says this because she always say this. When ever she
sees me she says I look very color coordinated, whatever that means. I just nod,
and walk past her. I quickly open the door to the garage before my step mom can
make some remark about how rude I am being. I get into the car buckling my
mom follows looking concerned.

“Is it that boy that you have been hanging around. You know I do not like
ahtat you have been hanging out with him so much.” She pauses looking over at

me I quickly turn away from her looking out the window. “Lavender, I do not want
you hanging out with him anymore.” She raises her voice.

I turn to her slowly feeling the pain of her word even if she did not mean it
in that way, “Don’t worry about it mom. He and I are done talking. It is over. It is
done. I will never being hanging out with that boy again so just drop it!” I shout at
her, and her eyes widen as she opens her mouth to talk back to this, but no
words come out.

She slowly turns on the car and starts backs out of the driveway, but
before she is all the way pulled out she stops. She turns in her seat to pull a
package out of the back seat handing it to me. She stares at me, and I know that
I have hurt her, again. She doesn’t deserve it I know. I want to say that I am
sorry, but I can’t bring myself to open my mouth. That is when I know that I can’t
tell her anything about my feelings anymore, I just don’t want to hurt her
anymore.

“You know I am just saying this because I love you. I am not trying to
punish you. Your dress came in the mail today.” She sadly hands me the
package not looking at me which make me feel even worst.

I take the package from her hand, hugging it to my chest looking out the
window trying not to let her know how much it hurts. I hold my breath counting to
ten he is already gone, and that is my fault.

We pulled into the parking lot, and my mom just gazed at me trying to think
about what to say to make me feel better. There was nothing to say to make

what I had just done to him right. I care about Stephin. He would never be able to
see how I just wanted to get to know him better. I just wanted him to be honest
with me, but he was never going to be able to do that. I know that, and I conjure
enough strength to plaster a smile on my face. I slide out of the car shivering as a
cold gust of wind blows as if to say, “go back home you are about to get hurt
even more.” I take a breath pushing myself to my feet. I need to move on and let
him go.

Never had a chance

“I will never believe anything you’ll say again. I can’t I ever cared about
you, you lying, poisonous, slut.” That is what his text said. I stare at the words as
they dig into my mind clawing at and attacking my heart. The words ripped me
from the inside out. What I did was wrong, yeah it was stupid. I thought I could
move on so quickly after Stephin had turned his back on me. It was wrong to do
that that, but I also know that I don’t deserve to be called a slut or poisonous for
it. What I did was stupid, but it was not totally unforgivable. What he did hurt me
much worst. I had feelings for him, I cared about him. He stabbed me in the heart
with his cold words. My vision blures with the memories of him and I. All the
times we spent together, talking, laughing. When we walked all the way to
noodles and company, I bought us both food. Then on the way back we saw a
box of cookies on the side of the ride. We both looked at each other, and started
smiling we knew we were thinking the same thing, we were going to ding-dong
ditch on one of his friends. We went to a kitchen supply store where we found a
pad of paper and pens, and wrote you are the love of my life. Then we went to
his friend’s house, and placed those cookies and the note on the porch, and rang
the doorbell. Then we bolted, and all one could hear is his friend’s dad yelling at
Stephin to get back right now. We ran all the way to the little by his friend’s
breathing so hard all we could do was look at each other smiling devilishly. Then
once we could breathe all we could do was laugh, and laugh. Stephin mimicking

his friend’s dad’s voice which making us both double over with the laughter that
fills us. He hugged me telling me that he was glad that we had decided to go on
an adventure today. Or when we were video chatting, and his dad came into the
room, and he hid his phone. He dad starting questioning him about who I was,
and why he was hiding his phone. Then his parents would make fun of Stephin
every time they caught him video chatting me. He would even play along sing
songing that I was the I was the hottest girlfriend ever. I was the happiest I had
ever been when I was with him, and he will never know that. He will never know
how perfect being with him was. How much I loved being with him.

With these words that he threw at me, shattered the illusion. I knew I would
never be able to look at him the same way again. We would never get back to
that place we once were. The boy who was sweet, nice, and cared about me I
thought maybe that person was still there buried. Even with the words he threw
at me I still wanted so much to think he was a good person, but the thing is that,
that boy never actually existed. It was all a ruse.

“I’m sorry” Those two words seem to be the most pointless empty words
that I have ever heard. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. It stabs me in heart
sending pain radiating through my whole body. I drop my phone my hands
shaking so bad, darkness. I open my eyes sitting up looking at my phone, and
seeing those words again. He can’t just be sorry that is not, I just can’t, I just
don’t know.

Nothing Ever Happens
Andres walks up to me, he and I have been friends for so long.
I walk up to him, Stephin. We stare at one another for a long time, and we
begin walking not speaking to each other because it hurts to much. Then finally
he mutters, “I’m sorry.” again. Again with those empty words, I always knew he
was never really sorry about anything.

I lengthen my stride there is only one mile left, and my legs have
been set on fire. I glance over at Stephin who had caught me on this last mile,
and now it feels as though we are racing to get back to the library first. Running
faster is all I can do is all I can do not to completely stop. I glance over at
Stephin, and our eyes meet and he smirks at me knowing that I did not actually
run the whole nine miles, and then our sights snap a head pushing even harder.
That is when we see it like a beacon of light the library, and then we are sprinting
to be the first there. I watch Stephin awkwardly stretch trying not to look at me. I
realize stretch looking at the ground. The guy, William, I had gone to prom with
runs up smiling hugely, but his face falls as he sees me. He had kissed someone
else at prom. Sending our close relationship we had, had for the years that we
had gone to the same school tumbling down a long hill with many thorns and
pains. I had given him so many chance, and now I dare not give him another with
the fear of more pain. I scramble up awkwardly deciding that it is time that I go
home. Stephin glances at me a hint of a smile runs through his eyes before they

go dark again. I kneel down trying to concentrate on unlocking my bike, but then I
hear Williams voice.

“Guys I lost the feather that I found before the run!” He yells over
dramatically, “I think someone took it! Someone stole my feather, and I am going
to find them.”

I roll my eyes as I straighten up, and as I begin to reach out for my helmet I
realize something there it is the feather. He had stuck that feather into my helmet
anger radiates through my vein. I grab at the feather feeling the soft texture
shaking my head.

“I found your feather,” My voice coming out more cold than I intended for it
to clenching the feather in my hand like a child, “Why did you put it in my helmet
of all places? Nevermind just don’t do that again. Just stay away from me
please.” My voice going from cold and strong to crushed and hurt giving my true
feelings away completely. I swallow hard holding the feather towards him as he
looks at me with those sad puppy dog eyes.

He slowly walks up to me holding my gaze, and I can feel the anger bubble
up inside for a fraction of a second. It is just long enough that bursts forth within
me when he asks, “Well can I have it back now?”

I throw the feather at him hard enough that the feather actually hits him in
the face, and fall to the grassy ground. He freezes looking at me astounded by
the message of war that I have just fired at him. Then in my own heart I can feel
the pain, and the tears come like rain running down my cheeks. I have put my

helmet on, and now I stand like a complete moron with the helmet on my head
and tears in my eyes. Stephin has been watching this whole exchange, and
chooses now to jump in, and save me. He walks up to me, and without a word
hugs me. My helmet gets in the way as I try to press my face into his shirt hiding
the pain. He quickly takes off the helmet casting it aside, and holds me tighter as
I shake like the leaves in the trees that have clung on during the long winter.
Clinging to him for support. Then I realize the feeling that have been revived by
this hug, and I push away.

“I-I need to go,” I stammer tears still stinging my eyes mixing with the
sweat from the run. “Thank you Stephin I just really need to go home.”

He stares at me maybe he is hurting like I am. Maybe he is still mad at me.
Maybe he is happy that I am leaving. I was never able to ask him about that day
because I ran away from him and those feelings. That was the last day where
things were ok between him and I.

“Lavender!” screams a voice behind me, “Lavender!” I turn around, Jammie
stands in her pajamas staring at me looking confused. “We do not have school today!
You can go home!” she cries laughing at me.

“Oh god,” I laugh hitting the palm of my hand to my head, “Yay, I am going to go
home now” I awkwardly back up going back to the my house pulling out my phone as I
go. I dial a phone number that I have never actually dialed before

I hold the phone to my ear laughing as he jokingly tells me to hurry up because
he is already at the park. Then I start run, but it is hard because I am short and it does

not help that he is making me laugh so much. I push my long curly brown hair out of my
face trying to stop laughing at his corny jokes.
"Are you running?" He asks choking on laughter.
"Stephin, why are you are so mean to me?" I shoot back.
"I see you!" He sing songs in a creepy voice.

I see him, and that dopey smile that lights up his face reaching even his brown eyes
whenever he gets to see me. I miss that. I run straight into his arm, and he brushes the
hair out of my brown eyes, and there is a moment when I think he might kiss me then
the moment disappears. It turns into our smile war: we smile in this stupid way and then
we smile bigger and bigger until I push him. He winks at me mouthing, “I win”. I roll my
eyes dramatically pushing him forward, and we begin to walk to the woods like we
always do. We walk through the park then onto the road because that is no sidewalk.
Because who needs a sidewalk. Stephin takes my hand and leads me in front of him,
and we do not really talk during. It can get pretty loud on this road. We finally get to the
woods, but first we have to run across the street. We look at each other than we look
both ways waiting for an opening.
“Ok, one two-” I start and Stephin cuts me off.
“Three!” he yells laughing and sprinting ahead of me.
“That is not fair! Get back here!” I yell through fits of laughter.

He stops abruptly so that I will run right into him, and he smiles down at me this
time his mop of blonde hair falls into his face just a bit. Stephin and I have been friends
for a while now, but today something feels different. I start to notice his cute habits, his
sweet smile, how his hair is messy but in attractive way. I think I am starting to like him,

but the problem is I am not ready to like anyone until I have worked out my problems.
He snaps his fingers in front of my face, and I notice he has moved a little closer to me.
My heart does something it has never done before it skips like a broken record then it
tries to make up by speeding up.
“We should go find somewhere to sit down. My legs are sore from running…” I trail off
as I quickly sidestep him walking to the trail.

I feel so stupid right now that could have been an amazing moment, and I always
screw everything up. He catches up to me, and he looks like a wounded puppy. I want
to run home, and climb under the covers and cry. I feel so awful right now. I stare at my
feet as we walk.
“Are you still thinking about that thing?” He asks softly touching my hand.
“Kind of…” I whisper my voice catching, my heart aching for him to hold like he does
when ever I am upset.
“You know you deserve so much better than what you got.” He says firmly pulling me
into an awkward side hug and smiling down at me.

All I can think is how I am not ready for this, and how he does not know what I
am really dealing with. Also how I cannot do anything right ever, and how I know his not
so secret about what happened in his last relationship. I do not think I could ever be
emotionally with a person who has cheated on someone. I sigh as we continue to walk
down the trail, and again we do not talk until we get to the little pavilion in the middle of
the woods. It is almost perfect it is a circular grassy area surrounded by trees and a
road, and in the center in a pavilion with benches.

We sit down, and Stephin pulls out his phone. Serious, why did he just take out
his phone? I feel so annoyed by this I simply take it right out of his hand, and I start
taking pictures. His arms encircle me as he tries to take it away, and eventually he
succeeds. He still has me in his arms and I look up at him. It all happens so fast, he
leans down pulling me closer, and kisses me. It takes me a while to realize what
happened. The problem is not that it happened it is that this has happened before only
this time it feels different. I am scared for what is going to happen next.

I quickly jump up, and start walking away towards a different path. Then I feel his
hand on my arm. I twist my body, so that I am facing him. Looking up into those brown
eyes. This is happening too quickly, I am not ready to feel this way about anyone. I just
can't, and this is all I can think about. I just want to run away, but his hand is on my arm
paralyzing me. My heart is pounding. He opens his mouth then closes it looking away. I
want to cry I feel so awful.

"I..." I begin then I trail off looking away too then I try again, "I...I'm um sorry
about that I just...", but he cuts me off before I can ramble any more than I already have.

"Don't be. Let's just walk for a while." He says coldly trying not to make eye
contact with me.

My stomach twists, and I feel sick, nervous, and stupid. I nervously nodge him
and he tries not to look at me, so I nudge him again and this time he looks at me. His
eyes are filled with hurt and confusion, and stomach is doing somersaults inside of me.
Then the look in his eyes evaporates like magic, and he is smiling at me like he always
does.

I hit him playfully, "I thought you were going to hate me forever after that. I didn't
mean-" I start jokingly only to be, in his usual fashion, cut off.

"You know I bet you could not go a week without hitting me like that. Actually I
want to do this if you don't hit me this whole week I will get you a Jamba Juice, but if you
do you have to get me jamba juice." He says smirking at me.

"Oh, it is so on. I am going to win this!" I yell my voice echoing through the forest
as we walk down another path.

"I forgot to tell you about something," he exclaims over dramatically.
I raise my eyebrows, "I don't trust you what it that you "forgot" to tell me about?"
As I finish the sentence I cross my arm trying really hard not to laugh and to look
annoyed.
"My uncle in Canada got a one of those husky puppy that do not grow very large.
it was so cute." He starts, and like the girly girl I am I have to make awwwww sound. He
goes on quickly, "Yeah I know, and when we were there over winter break we decide to
lock it outside. We thought it need to toughened up. We left it there, and it was crying
and whining for so long-"
I hit him, "You are such a terrible person!" I scream at him, "Why would you do
that you probably scared that poor animal for life. I mean who would be that cruel-" I
stop short when I see the huge smirk that has spread across his face, "Oh, no." I
breathe hitting my palm to my head.
"I win! That was not even a real story. You are so gullible." he nudges me
smiling, and putting his arm around me as we get to the other clearing. The clearing is
small, and surrounded by huge oak trees and a single bench placed in the center. With

a look out point with bricks haphazard placed with the a old wooden guard rail built on
top. This look out looks over a picturesque lake.

I haven't told anyone about this place except him. This is my place to be alone.
This is my place to think. Since this stupid mistake, I have never been able to come
back to this place without disappearing into a puddle of tears.

“Lilia, hello.” Stephin says waves his hand in front of my face. Somehow he has
materialized right in front of me, and I just stare up at him like an idiot. Then that thing
happens again.

“It is getting dark. I need to go home right now!” I mumbling quickly taking a few
steps before I tripping over a root, and he catches me. We stare at each other for a
beat, and he lets me go. We start walking back to the original park, and it really is
getting dark. We quickly start walking down a side path that was once lit by the sun and
seemed safe, but is now pitch black it is not safe anymore. I move a little closer to
Stephin my heart pounding. He doesn’t even look at me, and we continue in completely
awful silence.

“Lilia, do you want to go out.” Stephin voice cuts through the silence, and freezes
me in place for a beat.

“I don’t know.” my voice tumbles out of my mouth to quickly before I can even
think, “You know that I am still working through stuff.” the last words coming out so
strained, and I can feel the tears coming hot in the back of my throat. I swallow hard, but
I feel a single wet tear slide down my cheek.

“You know if you don’t want to you could have just said no.” His voice cut me like
a knife and I feel more tears falling down my cheeks. “You are such a tease. Just don’t

talk to me after this, this is done.” Stephin starts to quicken his steps leaving me in the
dark alone.

I run home crying. It is dark outside, and I feel so alone I just lost the only
person in my life, at this point, that really understood who I am. What was
happening in my brain. I take a deep breathe before I go inside the house. I know
we are leaving soon to go the presentation that ultimately send my world
spiraling down. I do not know how much more I can handle. It has been two
years since I have done what I am going to do tonight, but that happens later. I
run upstair, and I change into a black skirt, black cardigan, and black tank top it is
just one of those kind of day. I walk down the stairs.

“You look very color coordinated.” My mom says smiling at me slightly
trying to get me to smile too. She knows something is wrong with me, but she
does not say anything about it.

I hate when she says this because she always say this. When ever she
sees me she says I look very color coordinated, whatever that means. I just nod,
and walk past her. I quickly open the door to the garage before my step mom can
make some remark about how rude I am being. I get into the car buckling my
mom follows looking concerned.

“Is it that boy that you have been hanging around. You know I do not like
ahtat you have been hanging out with him so much.” She pauses looking over at
me I quickly turn away from her looking out the window. “Lavender, I do not want
you hanging out with him anymore.” She raises her voice.

I turn to her slowly feeling the pain of her word even if she did not mean it
in that way, “Don’t worry about it mom. He and I are done talking. It is over. It is
done. I will never being hanging out with that boy again so just drop it!” I shout at
her, and her eyes widen as she opens her mouth to talk back to this, but no
words come out.

She slowly turns on the car and starts backs out of the driveway, but
before she is all the way pulled out she stops. She turns in her seat to pull a
package out of the back seat handing it to me. She stares at me, and I know that
I have hurt her, again. She doesn’t deserve it I know. I want to say that I am
sorry, but I can’t bring myself to open my mouth. That is when I know that I can’t
tell her anything about my feelings anymore, I just don’t want to hurt her
anymore.

“You know I am just saying this because I love you. I am not trying to
punish you. Your dress came in the mail today.” She sadly hands me the
package not looking at me which make me feel even worst.

I take the package from her hand, hugging it to my chest looking out the
window trying not to let her know how much it hurts. I hold my breath counting to
ten he is already gone, and that is my fault.

We pulled into the parking lot, and my mom just gazed at me trying to think
about what to say to make me feel better. There was nothing to say to make
what I had just done to him right. I care about Stephin. He would never be able to
see how I just wanted to get to know him better. I just wanted him to be honest

with me, but he was never going to be able to do that. I know that, and I conjure
enough strength to plaster a smile on my face. I slide out of the car shivering as a
cold gust of wind blows as if to say, “go back home you are about to get hurt
even more.” I take a breath pushing myself to my feet.

“I will never believe anything you’ll say again. I can’t I ever cared about
you, you lying, poisonous, slut.” That is what his text said. I stare at the words as
they dig into my mind clawing at and attacking my heart. The words ripped me
from the inside out. What I did was wrong, yeah it was stupid. I thought I could
move on so quickly after Stephin had turned his back on me. It was wrong to do
that that, but I also know that I don’t deserve to be called a slut or poisonous for
it. What I did was stupid, but it was not totally unforgivable. What he did hurt me
much worst. I had feelings for him, I cared about him. He stabbed me in the heart
with his cold words. My vision blures with the memories of him and I. All the
times we spent together, talking, laughing. When we walked all the way to
noodles and company, I bought us both food. Then on the way back we saw a
box of cookies on the side of the ride. We both looked at each other, and started
smiling we knew we were thinking the same thing, we were going to ding-dong
ditch on one of his friends. We went to a kitchen supply store where we found a
pad of paper and pens, and wrote you are the love of my life. Then we went to
his friend’s house, and placed those cookies and the note on the porch, and rang
the doorbell. Then we bolted, and all one could hear is his friend’s dad yelling at

Stephin to get back right now. We ran all the way to the little by his friend’s
breathing so hard all we could do was look at each other smiling devilishly. Then
once we could breathe all we could do was laugh, and laugh. Stephin mimicking
his friend’s dad’s voice which making us both double over with the laughter that
fills us. He hugged me telling me that he was glad that we had decided to go on
an adventure today. Or when we were video chatting, and his dad came into the
room, and he hid his phone. He dad starting questioning him about who I was,
and why he was hiding his phone. Then his parents would make fun of Stephin
every time they caught him video chatting me. He would even play along sing
songing that I was the I was the hottest girlfriend ever. I was the happiest I had
ever been when I was with him, and he will never know that. He will never know
how perfect being with him was. How much I loved being with him.

With these words that he threw at me, shattered the illusion. I knew I would
never be able to look at him the same way again. We would never get back to
that place we once were. The boy who was sweet, nice, and cared about me I
thought maybe that person was still there buried. Even with the words he threw
at me I still wanted so much to think he was a good person, but the thing is that,
that boy never actually existed. It was all a ruse.

“I’m sorry” Those two words seem to be the most pointless empty words
that I have ever heard. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. It stabs me in heart
sending pain radiating through my whole body. I drop my phone my hands

shaking so bad, darkness. I open my eyes sitting up looking at my phone, and
seeing those words again.

I walk up to him, Stephin. We stare at one another for a long time, and we
begin walking not speaking to each other because it hurts to much. Then finally
he mutters, “I’m sorry.” again. Again with those empty words, I always knew he
was never really sorry about anything.

I lengthen my stride there is only one mile left, and my legs have
been set on fire. I glance over at Stephin who had caught me on this last mile,
and now it feels as though we are racing to get back to the library first. Running
faster is all I can do is all I can do not to completely stop. I glance over at
Stephin, and our eyes meet and he smirks at me knowing that I did not actually
run the whole nine miles, and then our sights snap a head pushing even harder.
That is when we see it like a beacon of light the library, and then we are sprinting
to be the first there. I watch Stephin awkwardly stretch trying not to look at me. I
realize stretch looking at the ground. The guy, William, I had gone to prom with
runs up smiling hugely, but his face falls as he sees me. He had kissed someone
else at prom. Sending our close relationship we had, had for the years that we
had gone to the same school tumbling down a long hill with many thorns and
pains. I had given him so many chance, and now I dare not give him another with
the fear of more pain. I scramble up awkwardly deciding that it is time that I go
home. Stephin glances at me a hint of a smile runs through his eyes before they

go dark again. I kneel down trying to concentrate on unlocking my bike, but then I
hear Williams voice.

“Guys I lost the feather that I found before the run!” He yells over
dramatically, “I think someone took it! Someone stole my feather, and I am going
to find them.”

I roll my eyes as I straighten up, and as I begin to reach out for my helmet I
realize something there it is the feather. He had stuck that feather into my helmet
anger radiates through my vein. I grab at the feather feeling the soft texture
shaking my head.

“I found your feather,” My voice coming out more cold than I intended for it
to clenching the feather in my hand like a child, “Why did you put it in my helmet
of all places? Nevermind just don’t do that again. Just stay away from me
please.” My voice going from cold and strong to crushed and hurt giving my true
feelings away completely. I swallow hard holding the feather towards him as he
looks at me with those sad puppy dog eyes.

He slowly walks up to me holding my gaze, and I can feel the anger bubble
up inside for a fraction of a second. It is just long enough that bursts forth within
me when he asks, “Well can I have it back now?”

I throw the feather at him hard enough that the feather actually hits him in
the face, and fall to the grassy ground. He freezes looking at me astounded by
the message of war that I have just fired at him. Then in my own heart I can feel
the pain, and the tears come like rain running down my cheeks. I have put my

helmet on, and now I stand like a complete moron with the helmet on my head
and tears in my eyes. Stephin has been watching this whole exchange, and
chooses now to jump in, and save me. He walks up to me, and without a word
hugs me. My helmet gets in the way as I try to press my face into his shirt hiding
the pain. He quickly takes off the helmet casting it aside, and holds me tighter as
I shake like the leaves in the trees that have clung on during the long winter.
Clinging to him for support. Then I realize the feeling that have been revived by
this hug, and I push away.

“I-I need to go,” I stammer tears still stinging my eyes mixing with the
sweat from the run. “Thank you Stephin I just really need to go home.”

He stares at me maybe he is hurting like I am. Maybe he is still mad at me.
Maybe he is happy that I am leaving. I was never able to ask him about that day
because I ran away from him and those feelings. That was the last day where
things were ok between him and I. The thing is that things never completely
ended after that we just went back and forth and back and forth never meeting in
the middle. The more we pushed at each other the more I hurt myself, and I did
not know why I was doing that.

I stare at my hands walking away from him and all the hurt that he
delivered to me. It came again with the pain. I don’t understand why these things
continue to happen. It just keeps getting worse. I just want something to feel right
for once.

Senior Year

I take a deep breathe. Graduation I cannot believe that it is already
here. It seems like just yesterday that I was being told that my family was
moving to Oregon. I had to leave all of my friends and family behind to go
to a place where I didn’t know everyone. I was so scared then, and I
guess I made a few mistakes along the way, but now I am here. I glanced
at the graduations gown and cap hanging up in my room waiting for my
embrace. I smooth out the short purple dress feeling the nerves vibrating
through my vein. I am not ready for this, it has all gone by so fast. I walk
into the bathroom to stare at my high school self one more time; everything
is going to change the moment I walk across that stage. I really hope I do
not trip this time.
I look in the mirror wearing a different dress; blue, short, with tiny flowers
speckled all over it. I stared into my terrified brown eyes with their thick black
liner. I still coming out of that goth or maybe emo , there is not much difference,
phase, barely. Swallowing hard I look at my face pudgy pale with way too much

dark makeup on it. I pull on my white cardigan feel self conscious and brush out
my straighter fried long brown. Eighth Grade graduation is tonight; everything is
going to change the moment I walk across that stage. I run my hands over the
front of my dress nervously just wishing for once my stomach would not stick out
as much sticking out, but as always it did. I close my eyes hard someday things
will be different; someday I will be skinny, pretty, and loved someday. I open my
eyes to see my best friend Eva staring at me worried as always about me. She
quickly comes into the bathroom changing her expression smiling so hugely at
me, and then making a funny face. I look at myself, making my frown morph into
a smile. I smile, so that she stops worrying about me, I had already put that girl
through enough this year without ruining our eighth grade graduation too. That is
why I smile.

“Are you ready to go?” Eva says beaming at me; I turn around and her
smile fades away, “You are leaving tomorrow. I am going to miss you so much,
and I don’t know what I am going to do without you. I don’t have any friends
beside you.” Her lips trembling and her tiny shoulders shaking as she looked at
me so terrified of the unknown of high school. “I wish you didn’t have to leave.”
Her voice caught on the last word, and she began to slowly break down before
my eyes.

I rushed forward pulling her in, “If you break down then I will break down,
and I am wearing too much eyeliner to cry right now. We are going to do this and
it will ok.” my voice shakes as I try to make her smile. I had been, up until this

point trying not to think about leaving her behind, but now it was out in the open.
She had said it, I was leaving things where really never going to be the same
again. “We just have to make the most of tonight, and enjoy our graduation. I just
know we are going to get some type of award for our hard work with the anti
bullying campaign that we did. Everything is going to be ok.” I saying mustering
up a smile trying to convince myself as much as my best friend. She nodded, and
I grabbed her hand as we ran up the stairs to the unknown future.

“Lavender Garnoch!” My homeroom teacher yelled my name after many
others. At graduation the set up is by home room, and there are about 12
homeroom teachers in middle school, and about six students per homeroom.
This means that graduation drags on for a while to say the least. I nervously walk
up in my chunky heels; why did I wear heel? I should have worn my flats like my
mom said I should I think to myself as I get to the stair to the stage. I start
mounting the steps, but my right wedge catches on the stair. I start falling I try to
steady myself fumbling up the stairs and across the stage where my home room
teacher, Mrs. Lin, like she always does, catches me saving me before I
completely face plant in front of everyone. She was another person that stood by
me this year.

I open my eyes staring in mirror and for a second I cannot recognize the
girl that is staring back at me. It isn’t that scared eighth grader that fell during
graduation, but a more mature wise “young lady” as my mum would say, staring
back at me smiling. I know I am in a different place from where I was then or

even the same person in any way that I was during that time in my life. I look into
the mirror into her dark eyes framed a small amount of makeup, so much has
happened and changed since what started it all in middle school. That old me
would never have believed that I would have turned out like this. The captain of
the varsity girls cross country team, meeting so many amazing friends on that
team and having so many good memories from that. I run my hand through my
hair which is no longer burn from straightening it. I fluff out my fringe, and my
now shoulder length dark curly hair smiling. Staring into my once dead eyes that
have now sparked and have been brought back to life. I was varsity in swim too,
and I ran a few half marathons, I run my hand over the sheer, purple dress my
stomach flat now. That was what I always wanted. Right? To be pretty and
skinny, to have people like me. I have found that that isn’t what I wanted after all.
These four years have taught me to find things. For one I had to find what I love
to do, and cherish those things and friends I made through those activities like
little gem, priceless, beautiful.

I cannot believe this is the end already today I will be graduating today, just
in a few hours. I will be walking across that stage, and everything will be different,
but not like when I graduated middle school. This time I am ready for the new
world I will be jumping into not falling into, college. I will be going to college, and
everything there will be different. Up until now I have been feeling lost in this high
school world just trying to make it through, and now standing here I wish I hadn’t
been just trying to survive. As My much younger friend, Arianna, would always

remind me, “Everyone is just trying to make it through high school, and get to
college. Some of these people are kind and true from the inside out, but some
are kind and true on the outside and cold and fake on the inside. High school can
be the most amazing experience ever or it can be the most terrible experience of
a person’s life. It all depends on the circumstance of the person, but when it
seems like high school is a terrible, fake place full of people who just want to hurt
the people around them that is when one has to take a step back. That is when
you have to take a break to come back and see that everything is not as terrible
as it initially might have felt.”

I know this now. During these four years there were good times, and bad
times in high school. There are freedom times and stressful times. There are the
times where one feels like be surrounded by friends, and there are times where
one might feel that they just want to be on their own and write. I don’t claim to
have all answers or to know everything that there is to know about high school. I
don’t claim to be the most real and true person in this world, but this book you
can count on these memories being real memories and real feelings. It is time
you knew how I actually feel.

I felt for the longest time as though I could never share what I was really
feeling they This is what I have been hiding all along. I live in artificial world
where I am happy all the time. Where I smile, and I seem to have it all together
perfectly. I have nice clothing. I eat well. I am always smiling. Even when
something that would upset the normal person happens I smile, and shrug it off. I

have been told I have no soul by many people because of this, but what these
people never seem to get is this is an artificial world that they have entered. This
world is filled with true stories, but the real feeling behind them have been buried.
I have learned how to numb out my emotions. I laugh and joke about binging and
crying myself to sleep, but what I would never admit to anyone is that it is true.

I may joke about things, but those things that I joke about are often all too
real. I really do not know how to deal with how I feel sometimes, so I decide to
write all of these memories that have happened throughout my life down. The
catch is this time they will come with the truth because how I acted outwardly
was and is very different from what I felt on the inside the thing that I covered up.
These stories, these memories are the difference between what came out of my
mouth from what was actually in my mind, but now is when I will open up, and lay
it all out in the open for everyone to see. This might be wrong. This might be
scary. This might hurt me even more than ever. This might drag me further down,
but it might do a world of good for the world that I live in. I just want people to
actually know what I have been hiding for so long. It is time.

I am Lavender, and these are my memories. These experience are real,
and some of them were happy, and still make me smile when I think about them.
However some of these are horribly depressing or even scary. All of them are
real experiences, but they are not what defines me. How I felt about them are
what define me, the real me. The me that is hidden away from the world so that
no person may see them.

I go back to my room pulling out an old box of stuff from middle school,
and digging to the bottom. I pull out a crinkled up piece of paper from middle
school, and I flatten it out on my lap. I seems like so many mistakes ago this
happened, but it was only four years ago. Which really is not that long, I guess. I
focus on the words finally coming back full circle, and reading this letter. The
letter that I had written when I had thought that there was nothing left for me to
do in this world. This was the day I almost gave up everything, my life even
before it had really started. Funny how much things have changed in just four
years. Back in Minnesota I was at my lowest I had ever been and now I am here,
graduating.

Now, today, I am in a different place. I have made so many
decisions that have lead up to today. I am not graduating 8th grade this
time, I am graduating from high school next year I will be going to college.
Hopefully I don’t trip up the stairs again though. Sitting here looking back at
all the mistakes, all these things that happened, and sitting here now while
seemed like a good idea at the time, and while they might not have always
worked out. Well, now the thing is…

Thing is finally good right now.