The Stories I tell Myself =)

Written for 2021 TBP-Expression.
July – September 2021.

Thank You. Everyone in TBP- Expression.
I’ve always wanted to tell the most important Stories to myself as authentically as I was able
too.
Yet, I kept struggling and got nowhere.
Thanks to having both a platform, stage and Mentoring.
I’ve finally managed to Create One.

Also.
Dear Readers,

I hope you enjoy the Ride and stay tuned right to the End �


CTE

The Stories I tell My self

THREAD I

Clinically, I was considered a perfect birth.
That didn’t last long.
Six weeks, tops.
As a result of doing this project.
I traced my origins.
And I just found out that everything was not as it seems.
My… impairment was not a result of negligence.
It was. As far as can be determined.
A freak accident.
It would appear, I was never a victim from birth.
Nor, perhaps… that I was ever meant to walk the common road.

I have been playing around with the idea of having advantages since birth.
I’ve been joking around with the idea that my advantage was man-made.
Gifted since Birth.
I’ve been obsessed with categorization recently.
But, in this case.
It’s the distinctions that matter.
Be it a gift or a curse.
I needed to make the distinction whether it was avoidable or not.
I do not think that my Journey to the Source will end here.
Time is running out.

I have to acknowledge.
While I was fed with the wrong stories from the start.
It is truly past time that I carried out my own personal responsibility to verify the truth.
At least, my own personal truth.

The danger of the best incomplete systems?
They carry a part of the truth.
They can impair one just as well as any as an impairment since birth.

Same with incomplete stories.
That’s why the distinctions matter.
Which shade of Gray am I willing to accept?
For all I know, it may be yet be another false story about my birth.
It may well be.
But the crux is this.
It appears that the signals are telling me I am on the right track.

All roads lead to Rome?
I feel like I’ve just ascended a ladder.
Or rather, someone/s was just released inside me.
If, that makes sense.

The general trends are similar to what I have mapped out prior.
But the canvas has changed.
The shapes are no longer the same.
No longer truly the same.

Hmm.. how should I do this?
Let’s go with Density.

It begins with Fit.
My impairment resulted in me needing to wear a Veil by a certain age.
I am going to need to shade some context.

I have been called a one eye jack by a school teacher in my nation’s education system before I
started learning algebra.
Common reactions should have been revulsion and repulsion, I guess.
I’ve never really shared in those sentiments growing up.
It was as if the equation balanced in my mind.
Now, however, I am feeling a tinge of revulsion.

I guess… what I am saying is…
Humanity will be as it is.
Exceptions may occur.
Just, don’t expect it going in.
The key for me is to never lose sight of both sides.

Anyway, the same school sent me off on a tour to my nation’s medical system.
Where I would meet two Doctors, one who would help alter the trajectory of my path.
So, a little nuance here.
From what I’ve heard. It was significantly difficult to produce a custom veil for my condition and few
other cities would have the technology or expertise available to do so.
At that time, anyway.
My personal experiences bore that out to a certain degree.
Because I was subjected to … a little pain without any results to show for it several times in a row.

Eventually, I met her.
She is cantankerous.
The atmosphere was literally like she was full of evil witchy jokes.
And, quite frankly.
She is one of the loveliest Ladies I have met in my entire life.

To be fair, the timeline when I met her can maybe still be classified as an era where when speech is
straight, it wouldn’t be considered hurtful.
Not that she ever said anything hurtful.
It was more the gleam in her eyes and her sardonic smile.

And as I look back now, probably loneliness and here was a kid who wouldn’t understand more than
half of what she said, anyway.
Except, it stayed with me.
So, she gave me more gifts than just one.
I learnt much much later that eventually she went on to lead conferences and publishing in medical
journals.
But, her manner with me through the years never changed.
As I grew up and learnt more about politics and putting up your guard and being in a -so called- elite
and small field.
I do appreciate that she found it in her heart to be herself with me.
Because, I can’t imagine her being as open as she was in the other settings that she had to be in.

Anyway. She has a bunch of degrees. I never saw any plagues decorating her office though.
Funny. How when you are the best. Such things are usually non-existent in display.
Beyond what is necessary.
At least, the trend I see.
I was sent to her for her crafting skills, though.
But see, back when I was solving equations like 3x-18=0.
She took the time out to explain to a little kid about Veils.
In a way, so that the little kid was able to grasp.
Or at least, as much as he was able to grasp.
She was always on point.
In the sense, she didn’t deviate off-topic. Much.
I guess, what I am saying now is.
I used to think how did she carry such a powerful intellect in such a non-bruising manner.
As I matured, the question turned to why.
Then when I ask more questions. It becomes ‘I wonder what were the specifics’.

So, I guess it is my turn with a specific.
See, she explained to this little kid about the Hows of making of the Veil and the Why.
As much as her duty allowed her to regarding the Why.
She could have kept silent.

She could have done plenty of other things.
Instead, She struggled, came up with a plan and stuck to it when answering a little kid’s question.
Why do I remember this?
Because, it was in her eyes.
What she made herself not say.
The lengths she went too. The care she carried with her.

Why?

Oh, and one other detail.
She is a devout of a faith that I don’t really hold much resonance with.
I heard that in what time she has, she dedicates it to her faith.
In the decades I have been with her, though.
She never mentioned or said anything regarding her faith.
I still don’t really understand why sometimes I would joke about her faith in the past.
Maybe something something, baa baa black sheep, something, something.
I learnt the word Paragon about a decade later.
Yeah, that would be the word I would use for her.

O yeah, where was I?
Ah yes, Crafting.
So my condition was a little unique.
Or in other words. Complex and Difficult.
The terms I would use, anyway.
So her job was to conceptualize up a custom veil that had to fit specific conditions.
Then she would have to craft the veil in detail.

She got it right on the first fitting.
Oh, as a bonus. She injected life to it.
And it was pain-free.
A perfect Fit.

You know the saying?
Genius recognizes Genius?
I can assuredly say I was a dumb-ass.
Because, I didn’t recognize the brilliance at all.
Though, I am kind of understanding now that the story I am telling myself that I did not recognize
the brilliance or could not is somewhat of a lie.
Something stopped me from recognizing it.
Maybe for good.
Maybe for bad.
I may think its time for me to leave a certain place.
I do wonder how much personal agency do I have in this choice.
Hmm, that’s not it…
Intensity. Depth. Connection. Unlocking a path. Essence.
I wonder if this question is right.
How far am I away from the first part of the sequence?

Okay, lets attach a weight to the above.
The sequence was. I had to get a veil and wear it daily by age X. If not, I face bone deformation. Once
the deformation forms, it will be permanent.
And all the other good stuff that goes along with facial deformation that would come as a package.

Ah, no wonder I am so attached to humour.
At one point in time, I actually studied and researched it.
On a super super super part time basis, anyway.

My only regret is I lack the intelligence to go deeper.
Then again, I seem to have just enough to know how out-classed I am sometimes.
In the Kingdom of the Blind, the One-Eyed man is King.
Geez, the ego here.
I think I was supposed to whine further about out-classed I am then follow up with something like
work hard or something.

Yeah, lets switch the plot a little.
I never had the exact words to describe what She did for me.
I’ve recently learnt to re-interpret some words.
Two of them would be Intention and Standards.
And what she did for me, I would consider it the essence of those two words.

Of course, my male lizard brain is able intellectualize the word Love.
My ego would like to start whining here.
So I shall self-sacrifice and get a better speaker.
First, there are Doctors and there are Healers.
Just because one is a Doctor does not mean that one is a Healer.
But for her, in my humble opinion.
She was more than a Doctor and Healer for me.
Second.
If I connect to this one act of Love.
If I acknowledge, recognize and accept this one.
I am going to be in a world of pain.
(Jump leh. Just Jump.)
Hmm, I wonder what’s on Netflix now.

Hmm… I better meet her again, soon.
This time, I better have the right questions…

I do not know the upper ends of what she has done for me.
I do know the lower limits.
She prevented my face from deforming with her best effort.
Ahh, nuances. Love it.
Lucky I was born handsome.
Yes, it was a joke.
And if any of you guys laughed. I hate you guys.

So anyway, nuances.
In a world that was created and customized to fit right-handers.
Left-handers will always have to put in some effort to overcome the variance.
In a system created for the masses, it was my fate to strive with the variance day in and day out.
So maybe, I wonder would this be considered Wisdom.
If from the start, I identified that if I ever I had a goal of wanting to fit in as if I were one of them. To
pretend like I was one of them. Even with all my differences.
That would never work.
I mean, it’s like trying to win the Sprinting Olympics but I have one leg amputated. Even if I won,
does that count?
Quick, Smartass me. Say something.
Uhh… why you even want to go to the Sprinting Olympics in the first place? Go and find a better
place la.
Wow, so smart.
I would like to congratulate myself.

I am getting the sense that I really need to calibrate my humour a little.
Hmm… interesting. I wonder, how do I become my own best friend?

Eh, focus.
Focus.
At least for now, I believe that it was because my degree of variance was mitigated.
That I was able to find a crucial opening for myself.

I’ll add a little spin to the usual of Lonely vs Being Alone.
I am not sure how strong the younger me was.
I do know that the sense of isolation was thickening by the time I was being considered for the
‘Additional Maths’ subject.
How to describe?
An isolation that rings.
Deep inside one.
Till it hurts.

Physically, Emotionally and Intellectually. And all the other good stuff I am not listing.
I guess… the side effect is more interesting.
I don’t really know how to describe.
But, I kind of developed a sense of … smell?
Because, certain people I’ve met later on. There was a certain kind of scent.
I am not sure whether I liked all of them. But I think I certainly respected most of them.

While playing a game.
I met my best friend.
Eventually, I learnt about the difference between trying to fit in.
Versus the gist of fitting in.
I don’t think its exactly wrong to try hard with the forms sometimes.
But when one gets the essence, at least its far easier to shapeshift the form to Fit.
One thing led to another.
I feel that I got a free ride up.
You know, like how sometimes you feel like you are stuck in a certain place and there is no way out.
Or at least, your mind is unable to conceptualize the way out and your abilities are not fitting.
Then when you are floating on an airship above and looking down and your like… ahhh, that’s the
way out.
The problem with Lucky Breaks, at least for me.
Is that the mechanics don’t get hard coded because one didn’t figure it out.
I lack the Disciplines.
For one.

Maybe my Fate was meant to proceed down a lonely and painful path.
But because I met my Best Friend then.
I had years of laughter and companionship.
As well as many other gifts and openings.

Just as well that I am exploring the concept of ‘selves’ now.
It makes more sense that some may be more well fed/starved than others.

Rather than having a self that one size fit all.
Oh nice. Raise this to a greater level of fidelity for one to carve out one’s distinctions.
I do think that there is a Prime.
A Prime self, so to speak.
Hmm, maybe.
A Gestalt self?
Oh well, step by step then.
Here is where I wish to appreciate the word Compassion.
I am not sure whether I am able to reach my current paradigm… conceptually if not for the gifts
given to me prior.
As I write this, I think of Seeds and Cycles.

Hmm, how do I end THREAD I doe?
I guess, one tangent for me to consider is to start expanding my exposure to people and how they
think.
Because, I honestly believe and somewhat think that my above thoughts are somewhat … common
sense?
Like, wouldn’t people eventually figure out something similar or nearby even if they do not have the
vocabulary for it?
No wonder I have such a torrid relationship with explanations.
Oh Smartass, you are here?
Figure it out. Figure it out. Figure it out.
…
I do wonder why my closest friends do not throttle me.

What’s in my mind, now?
Conjugation of Thoughts and Expression.
A Labour of Love.

Music: Haddaway- What Is Love

THREAD II

El and I met when we were both having an identity crisis.
The difference was he came out of it within 3 months and I am still struggling with mine.
I think.

Anyway, I think it was a seriously ordinary start to a Friendship.
Maybe, it was destined that we would meet.

Because, you see.
While the sense of isolation lessened for me.
It never went away.

But, during the time when I was with him.
More often than not, that sense went away.

And I never would have met him.
If I didn’t make a choice to take a chance.

Let’s see.
How do I shade him?

Ah, I know.
Let’s start with an Appellation.
‘Someone who Defies his Fate’

Okay, Lowlights and Highlights.
Eventually did not Master Violence before it somewhat Mastered him.
Heart of Gold and Clarity of who he was- at all times.
Socialite and Debonair.
He kept his word.

Examples, Examples, Examples.

For that particular time period, we got enmeshed in a set of unique circumstances.
The point being it became glaringly obvious that we were friends with each other because we
wanted to be.

He never said anything about how one should live one’s life or how to be a friend. He simply led it.

Our jokes resonated with each other. And somehow, we knew exactly when to call it quits without
explaining anything.

One Yes and One No.

Yes to Sparring.
Thanks to that, I at least have the basics to appreciate the Arts.
At least, a more varied perspective.
On. The Disciplines, The Forms and The Essence.

“Hey, do you want to be introduced to a childhood friend of mine? I think she’s pretty cute.”
I am not really bugged that I said No then.
What I am bugged by was that I said No without even taking a Look.
Because that dumbass criminally undersold the description.

She wasn’t just cute.
She was …
Never mind.

Maybe, somethings were meant to be.

Moments
One Light and One Heavy.

It was the Laughter.
Only now do I realize. It was because of the Laughter that he always managed to draw me out.
Who I was beneath my shell.

One night, we were hanging out at his place.
There was a break somewhere.
His Dad came to chat with me
He shared a detail with me.
What I received was…
A request from a Parent’s Soul.
(Please, take care of my child)

Two Anchors.
Which is the heaviest?

Ever wrestled hard with a super difficult subject?
To the point you know the dirty, messy work involved intimately?
And then suddenly, your asshat of a friend swoops by.
And Ace the subject so hard that you know he did the work and more.
Then on the way, he crushed two other similar subjects with similar results.
All the while, giving up a handicap.
Then just smile and never saying a word after that.
Yeah, infuriating.

Later on, Lyn came into our lives.
She and I got on like peas in a pod.
Our favourite attack pattern was El.
Sometimes, its so hard to score a goal all by yourself.
But when you get a good partner.
Oh my god, the assists.

Easy scoring.

I can kind of see why both of them fell so hard for each other.
One Word.
Intensity.
Pure in a way.

Of course, it wasn’t perfect.
Of course, it had circumstances.

So, anyway.
There was an opening.
Looking back, I guess it’s one of those things that had to have happen.
She shared something with me.
Sometimes, I really really really take my hat off to Ladies.
Some things, that in a way. Have no way of being said. No chances of being said etc etc.
Can be said and said well, when a single opening develops.
Reminds me of the stories about how a mum would hold a falling roof for her child.
Because what I got was.
(Please take of El, if one day I am not around.)

So, anyway.
She decided to make a move first.

When I left her for the last time.
There was a teddy bear sitting on top.
I saw a tear streak down it’s right eye.
Weird, the holy water was showered much earlier on.
How did that tear…

(Again, Again and Again)

The following year was rough.
I felt El making an effort even when only both of us were around.
Everything’s the same. But, something’s broken.

One Challenge and One Capitulation

An opening evolved.
I challenged El.
I’ve recently learnt a phrase.
Make a Stand.
Realized that while I got the Harmonics later.
I received the Essence much earlier on.

He laid it out.
He said that if I had asked. He would have told me.
And.
Lyn wanted to share something with me and she was on the lookout. She just never found the
opening.

What hurt wasn’t finding out.
It was the recognition of what was true in a sentence.
We left the topic there.

I wonder, will I meet her again.

Anyway,
It was a gradual shift.
One degree at a time.
Over years.
El slowly started twisting.

And, I kept silent.
Mostly.

Complications.

One issue that compounded later on was.
I was deviating one degree at a time away too.
Eventually, we would end up in very different places.
Just that at that time.
I guess I thought it was my duty to somehow pretend that I was static.

That would turn out to be dangerous, in a way.
But, who could have foreseen?
Actually, it kind of could be.
So I wonder.
What it means to be Decisive.
And what it means to be Extreme.

There are somethings I regret saying.
I may have been in a worn and bad state but still…
It got to a breaking point.

And I said some stuff along the lines of.
Choose X over me.
I think it’s better for you.
In essence, because X has multiple ‘high level’ accomplishments.

His rebuttal was along the lines of.
What the hell are you saying?
Since when were friendships determined by such stuff?
And how you’ve been acting recently is far more disappointing than your words.

It isn’t logic.
More like an equation.
1x2=2
1 x 2 x 3 x 4 x 5= 120
My holding strength was Y (Double Digits at best).

The ship broke.
We went our ways.
For the next half of the decade, his best friend would text me at the end of the year.
My reply was no.

Geez, look like I need to deep clean my environments soon.

I wonder.
What would it take.
For me to rise above this Smorgasbord of Pain.
What is really hurting?

Either I Kept my Word or I Did Not.
Choose.
And, Close the Book.

Music: Nightcore- Angel With A Shotgun

THREAD III

Ignorance is coming out as a theme that is hurting me.
What’s interesting is the angle.
I conflate Innocence with Ignorance.
With barely much of a distinction.

Geez, no wonder I seem to hate this word.
English and Chinese Spelling tests were called Distinctions.
Ew.

Anyway, I feel that at times.
I did have a charmed life.
Yes, yes. Freak Accident. Haha.

Depths and Heights exist for a reason.
I’ve been avoiding looking at the Depths for a very long time.
And I was always looking for Answers at the Heights.
But what if, the Answers I seek lie in Both?

As I paddled along in time.
I eventually reached a different environment.
Where I became friends with a group of clowns.

We are a six-man team.
The general consensus amongst was were that if one of us was missing.
The whole thing changes.

For context, it’s been one and a half decade since we met.
We still try to meet up when we could.
Even as the six of us are split across the world in three directions.

In this timespan, there were countless rifts.
But the way I see it.
At least for now.
What would take us down would probably be silence.
The kind of silence that is dead and hollow.

I guess it was the circumstances and set-up that all of us met in.
We could count social ranks then.
Of course, it was never put aside.
It was just never a priority of us then nor is it now.
Which I am somewhat low key amazed by.
Since nearly everyone else shot up the ranks as we went into the World.

We still go dutch on meals now.
And could still hangout late into the night when circumstances allowed.

It just wasn’t as rich and consistent as when we were younger.

In a way, I do not really know of any close relationships that was not forged without a lot of blood,
sweat and tears.
It isn’t so much that there must be those 3 elements.
It’s more like, without them. The essence doesn’t exist.

I guess the kicker is.
If you put in those 3 elements.
How close are your relationships? Really?

Lets go with Strengths and Weaknesses then.

Clown M came from a troubled past.

Despite that, he had a real big heart.
When we met. His EQ was the best amongst us.
His EQ is still the best amongst all of us.
I used to think it was a natural gift.
Now I know, even it was a natural gift- its not possible to reach certain heights without putting in the
work.

My concern lies far more in the direction of his IQ.
Specifically, what’s dangerous is that I cannot get a sense of precautions being taken.
Or moves being taken to shore up or bulwark against potential events.
Still, this may be my projections.

Clown I has a wicked mind and a mouth to go along with it.
But his heart is in the right place.
His strength stands out more in combinations.
Cunning, Wisdom, EQ and Drive.
And the ability to be flexible.
At a certain level. His ability to fit in is near flawless.

Issue is Depth.
There is Depth. Then there are Depths.
The crux lies in the /s.
In a way, I guess it’s fair to say that not everything can go deep. To a certain extent.
But saying nothing is deep is pretty asinine.
But if there is only one Depth.
Welp, not as if I am a shining Paragon in this regard either.

Clown C was born into a Faith.
He has his difficulties and idiosyncrasies.
The thing though.
He really cares.

For his friends.
Mostly, what he is not doing.
Is because he cannot do.
Not because he lacks the desire.

He is intense in his chosen work.
What I am not sure about is what he knows about intensity in other domains.
Never really talked to him about this.
I am not picking up any resonances either though.
And certain topics are off boundaries.
O well…

Clown D came from an advantageous background.
From society’s viewpoint, anyway.
Born into and surrounded by wealths.
Probably the most ambitious amongst us all.
With the skills to boot.

I can’t agree with certain choices.
But, it is what it is.

Clown J came from scarcity.
But he has no scarcity when it came to mindset and character.
Quite clear cut, he is the most intelligent among us 6.
Add being driven and a disposition to figure things out and stand by the boundaries he has drawn.
His success in multiple domains impress me.
More about the quality. Though quantity is all a quality of its own.
Where he started and where he ended up.
Consistency.

Problem with success is that it is almost the perfect camouflage for flaws.

I just found this word.
Cecity.
I guess the challenge for me is to ‘raise’ my IQ enough I reach that particular frequency of
communication.
And my IQs.

Back when I was relatively more immature.
I did have evil laughs delighting in how I imagined them getting a partner would be.
And the potential growth patches that would follow.

Now, I wish I could help them out.
Even a little.
Even if it is to ease.

I don’t know if it’s sad or laughable.
But it feels like the best way I can help them now.
Is to help myself to the best I can.
And let the pieces fall where it may.

I don’t regret pointing in a direction and saying that there is a great Vendor with curatives over
there.
A little hurt that the standard of belief is not there.
But far more hurt that they could not use any of the curatives that I found.
Then hearing stuff like “It is fine the way it is.”

Keeping silent was never an option for me.
But being layered and intentional in my approach was.
I tried my best to beat Time to give the greatest advantage I could.
But as I write this now.
I realize.
I’ve been writing about Fit.
Yet, I seem to have forgotten what really worked for me.

So, who’s really speaking?

On that note.
Yeah, I was dumb.
I made mistakes.
Move on.
Strangely or not that Remarkably.
My charge towards the Word Mistake has lessened significantly.

If this is a wretched Fairytale. I wonder what is the end…

I am Listening to the Song ‘This Is Me’ right now.
(Warriors)
BrightRoar.

Music: The Greatest Showman Cast- This is Me

THREAD IV

I was posted to a … special unit for my Mandatory Service to my Nation.
The Key Criteria being congenital conditions. Roughly Speaking.
That’s when I found that my sense of isolation could not be truly diminished.
Although it could be muted to the extent that I could almost not feel it.

So, funny story.
Each branch kind of have their own locker rooms to change into uniform.
My branch was sharing with another.
As far as inductions went, I would say mine is pretty tame.
But its seriously awesome.
Because the guy who would eventually become a friend of mine brought me to the front of a
uniform and told me that this was a uniform that I could bow three times too.
With my hands clasped in prayer.
Of course I asked why.
So, turned out that the bearer of the uniform was a Legend.
I am not sure if he washed out of Basic Training.
But upon being posted to my unit.
He went for a medical operation.
So, he was on medical leave for basically his entire stint.
Close to two years.
I’ve never saw him once.
Till the date his uniform disappeared from the locker room and when he ‘regained’ his citizen status.
He was the subject of Idolization.
I liked his Commanders though.
Fantastic people whom I’ve had the pleasure to meet and interact with.
And draw some inconclusive conclusions about why Brother Idol opted to head for an operation
room upon arrival.

That’s the danger of easily believing into unverified stories.
Upon looking back, it was probably unlikely that his condition could be faked.

Milked? Maybe.
Faked? No.
He was the stuff of legends and the butt of jokes.
But, if his condition caused him to be bed-ridden for close to two years.
On valid grounds.
The humour does taste a little like Ash now.
I guess what is hitting me now is more or less me remembering how I stayed silent amongst other
things when the joke was being run.
That said, most of the people I met there had class and taste.
The joke was seldom run.

O yeah. About fitting in.
It was effortless.
For the first time in my life.
Of all the positions that I could have got posted with.
I got the one that required me to travel a great deal and interact a great bunch.
Anyway, that particular combination of roles and responsibilities was not meant to exist.
Or at least, it was never conceptualized in design.
But with the mass vacation of responsibilities by a series of personnel.
…
I like how my voice is evolving.
But lets use another to go straight to the point.

Is this your problem? Or my problem? Don’t make your problem, my problem.
Okay. Then what about the problem? It’s still there!
Opportunity lurks where Responsibility has been abdicated.
It’s not a verdict.
More my observation of what happened.

Because I was given a great deal of exposure.
Tangents to explore.

A great deal of stuff of learn.
And people whom I had to hang out with the entire day and wanted to.
What seemed like 7 levels of crap to others was Gold to me.
Because it put me in a consistent winning position.
Eventually.
When I realized I could run no longer.
And I managed to grow just enough to pass through a particular level of difficulty.
Then kept right on growing after that.
Can’t exactly put it into words.
After I started raising my level of contribution to the ‘theoretical’ max.
Certain things started manifesting.

I guess the most curious would be.
Certain situations are simply a no-win.
Instead of wasting any energy on them, I was somehow tapped to sidestep them with grace.
And continue winning in the situations I was in and win even harder due to the sidesteps.
Looking back, I ‘know’ those were the right moves.
It’s just, I never figured out how they were the right moves.
If that makes sense.

When the cycle was set up.
It simply became a virtuous cycle.
And I guess I was lucky.
Because I didn’t plan those moves.
I just simply was. Or Be.
Its kind of hard to lose in any meaningful way when a winning position is constantly being renewed.

Yeah, so anyway.
There was a table tennis table in the ‘rec’ room.
I was more or less able to piece together the series of events that brought it there.
Long Story Short, it was a game of pass the buck and last person holding gets screwed real hard.

Unless of course, innovation was adopted.
Which was.
Hence the table.

Why was the table important to me?
Because it allowed to break the wretched story I have been telling myself that I couldn’t play ball
games my entire life- one table tennis ball at a time.
Don’t get me wrong, I sucked horribly when I started.
To the point I knew that sometimes, others were playing with me because they knew about the
specifics of my condition.
I didn’t continue to play because of any Highfalutin goals.
I continued to play because it was Fun.
I was obsessed.
In a way I could not explain.
Obsessed in a healthy way.

The friend I mentioned earlier?
By the time it was his time to leave, we were having a match.
He used his off hand to beat me and bid farewell.
There was laughter. It had a little bit of a bitter flavour though.
Just a little.
One year later when he had to come back.
He had to use his dominant hand or it wouldn’t have been close.
I decline to mention who is the eventual victor.

It was also around this time I started following Novak Djokovic.
Just as he was beginning his meteoric run.

In addition to breaking down that particular story.
A whole host of stories began when I played almost every man in the unit.
Prior to this, sports gene and ball sense were just a bunch of words to me.
But two of the guys I played with who were regular soccer players before.

Relatively good soccer players.
The way they struck the ball.
It’s like. I can’t fathom how they did it.
I could return their shots.
But I couldn’t understand how did they derive that particular thought pattern to strike the ball in this
particular way to produce the spin and angle which resulted in a play that… sings.
I was more trollish in the way I usually played.
To be specific. More like internet trolls rather than Fantasy trolls.
I hated going all out because it connected me to a space that made me seriously uncomfortable.
So I dragged out every bit of fun I could.

Geez, it’s all surfacing back to me.
Plato’s quote.
“You can discover more about a person in an hour of play than in a year of conversation”
And that article I remember reading of a … former high flying career lady who achieved a great deal
and was brought up to play instruments and maybe play sports.
Asian, of course.
She stated that her main regret was that she didn’t play more when she was young.
The overall sense I got was being mournful.
Because it felt as if she lost a great opportunity and that there was no way to redeem it at her age.
I remember this was because I remembered that when I was reading, I was thinking like seriously?
She achieved so much in her career and her regret is not playing more when young? When she has
been gifted with a comprehensive upbringing?
After playing ball for a short while though.
I understood her much more after that.
If nothing else, the sports I played showed me that it was able to teach a specific form of social
communication.
Because somethings can’t be said.
And if you didn’t unlock that particular form of speaking by understanding the unsaid key.
Then, you are going to miss out on a hell lot of conversations.
And maybe, not being to speak when it really matters.

I guess I am still a little fearful from the previous times of isolation.
What made it terrifying was the experience of not being heard.
Even when one can speak.
Even when one has a voice.

The endpoint was never about fitting in all along, eh.
It was about being Heard.
With Meaning.

That said, what I got.
I am now able to tell.
At least tell a little more clearly.
The gifts I got from playing was more a function of who I was and my innate gifts.
The point is that they are amorphous.
Which means … they can conjugate?

I often wondered. I felt that of all the places I could have been at for two years.
I probably landed at the best place I could have been posted too.
It’s the composite.
Of Everything.
And as I Delve Deeper.
I realize that there was so much more.
I’ve been looking here, there and anywhere.
Funny how some stuff I’ve been looking for had always been with me.
It’s not about a different perspective.
It’s about the right perspective.

Nation. Clan. Community. Group. Partner. Self.
Work. Social. Play. Spiritual. Partner. Self.
Interesting.
I wonder how the ones I cannot see right now look like.

I am glad that I connected with a new perspective on being open.
That is, to develop openings.

O Yeah, Djokovic.
As I finish writing this and turn in.
By the time I wake up.
Either he has cemented his legacy as the Greatest Player to ever pick up a Tennis Racket.
Or, he continues to be in the conversation of Who is the Greatest.
Impressive, in a way…
11 Years of Putting in the Work, eh.
How Interesting…

Music: Two Steps from Hell- Heart of Courage

Poems(?)

I
Crimson and Raven Twining,

Over and Over in the Air,
As if Zephyrs Flying,

Branching Out Weaving In,
A Dance Of A Lifetime,
The Immortals’ Ballad,

The Empress and The King

II
The Roarings of a Beast,
The Howling at the Moon,
The Wails of a Banshee,

Scars Crisscrossing,
Blood Hovering,

The Broken King will Return,
Kintsugi Shall Reign.

III
We can hear you!
We can feel you!
Trust us, we get it!
And so, one blindly believes.
And got naught but pain.
And at the end of it all.
The Answer Reveals.
Close, but not on the mark.
The idea was right.
To establish common understanding.
With people who mouth off without understanding.
The Method Reveals.
Problem was, it never had a Why that Fit.
Fetters Dropping.
The World is One’s Oyster.
So Close, Yet So Far
Why did I never get it before?
Because, a miss is as good as a mile.

IV
As I stand upon the dry, burning sands,

And gaze beyond the desert lands,
There suddenly appears in view,

A Caravan from Oxley Bizhub.

Epilogue:

Telling your Parents you’re a Philosophy major is like reading them Poetry
They Snap

I’m considering taking a position to translate Old Mongolian Poetry
The Job has its Prose and Khans

You only have enough time to say one word to Edgar Allan Poe who is about to walk into a Tree.
What do you Say?
Poetry!