2020 The Homie Issue 10

ISSUE X

Hello Homies,

In all my years of participating in this league, I cannot think of a time I felt more out
of contention for a spot in the playoffs. That is bizarre considering we expanded it
this year to six teams and that I one started 1-6. I realize I am not the only one with
problems though, so I am going to revisit something I did in the second issue and
address the thing everyone should feel most nervous about. This will be done in the
order of POWER RANKING, so this kinda merges 2 sections this week.

1. Ridge
Ridge’s remaining strength of schedule heavily hinges on the health of Christian
Mccaffrey. Ridge dodges Mccaffrey this week, but might dodge Mike Davis TWICE
against Connor if Mccaffrey comes back next week. If Mccaffrey misses a lot of time
then that is a slight shift in balance for Ridge. He has maybe the most solid roster.
Depending on Ridge’s week 13 matchup vs Nick, he could finish with the second best
record and not secure a BYE week in the playoffs.

2. Nick
Nick obviously is secure with WRs, but his RBs are a major problem. It’s an issue
many of us have. Chubb coming back diminishes Hunt’s utility. Mixon is inconsistent.
Ronald Jones seems to have finally become the backup.

3. Grant
I hate to take a shortcut on this one, but it’s Grant. The East is shifty which puts him
a game from 6th in the division and a game from 1st. If his team stayed still I wouldn’t
have many fears.

4. Alec
Alec’s team has been decimated by injuries, which makes his team a big question
mark. He has dropped 4 games in a row and still leads the weak East. If another East
contender gets hot then Alec runs the risk of having too little too late and getting
snubbed by West teams.

5. Andy
Notice I have never even mentioned Andy’s team’s name in my bottom three column.
His weakness is easily his Darlings getting injured, but I still am not worried about
him making the playoffs if Mccaffrey is only out one week.

6. Stephen
Four out of five of Stephen’s remaining games come against teams that currently have
winning records. His WR’s might keep in the hunt, but his RBs will be a small hurdle
to get over.

7. Connor
I was nervous for a couple weeks that my negging of Connor’s team would come
back to bite me. But if you held off on buying Connor stock you might be grateful.
Anything can happen in the East. By the numbers, Connor has the most inconsistent
team and its not even a little close. There is a 2.5% chance he scores under 58 points
this season.

8. Matt
Matt has slid into the Jeffrey category for me. This category means you don’t make
fantasy noise, and you don’t make group message noise. I don’t know how Matt could
make the playoffs with his splashiest healthy WR/RB being Melvin Gordon.

9. Andre
Andre might be in a category of his own. Year after year its like “Yeah he should be
good with this team.” Then he disappoints at some point, and then you are amazed
and disgusted that his team is actually okay. Like how is Andre 5-4? But also how is he
not 7-2? The wide receivers in the league are so deep but not at all on this roster.

10. Chip
“False start; everyone but the center.” That’s how Chip’s team feels. Everyone sucks
except Alvin Kamara.

11. Jeffrey
Jeffrey’s weakness is a dumpster fire in Dallas and a Michael Thomas that has yet to
have an acceptable game. I know he has barely played, but that matters.

12. Thad
DJ Moore, and so so so much else.

I hope this has been insightful. It’s No Nut November, and I would wager none of us are
still in this thing. The only way one of us is still in it is if Connor has been so involved in Call
of Duty that he forgot he had a penis. If we are collectively nutting then I move for a joint
nut session over Thanksgiving break. If we cannot agree to that, then how about a game of 2
hand touch football? Regardless I have got to be touching something with my hands. Bring
lotion.

“For instance I saw a nice looking young lady that I was attracted to sexually in the grocery part of Target

And I wanted to put my penis in her vagina
But I didn't tell her, and that my friends is the definition of a motherfuckin' gentleman”

- T-Pain

Love,

Thad Taylor 23 year old lonely virgin (also deputy commissioner)

DK AWARDS

KILLER KONG – The Killer Kong award might
surprise as it goes to Jeffrey. Jeffrey scored an okay
13 DK points this week, but I elect him for this
award as he won by .7 points and outscored
Stephen by just 1 DK point. That is such a small
margin and when you break it down by DK points,
Jeffrey got just enough to beat his brother.

KIRBY KONG – Thad earns the Kirby
Kong only because I didn’t feel like digging
for the Hairless Kong picture. I don’t need
to try and embarrass myself because I
already did that. I feel shame. I chose
between the Jets and Dolphins and chose
poorly. It didn’t really matter though.

DIDDY KONG – There really isn’t a great candidate
for this award this week. One person scored above
the average DK points this week and still lost. It is
the margin of loss that makes me hand this award to
Alec. He scored 17 points and lost by just .9 points.
Interestingly, going into this past week Alec was
averaging 18 DK points, and if you can do basic
addition then you know he would have won if he hit
his average. He put up a good effort. Diddy win
though? No.

LUCKINESS

TEAM RECORD PRJ WINS LUCK %

Jeffrey 5-4 2.6 27%
Andre 5-4 4.1 10%
Nick 7-2 6.3 8%
Thad 3-6 2.5 5%
Ridge 6-3 5.5 5%
Alec 5-4 4.7 3%
Stephen 4-5 4.3 -4%
Matt 4-5 4.5 -6%
Andy 4-5 4.6 -7%
Connor 4-5 5.0 -11%
Chip 3-6 4.1 -12%
Grant 4-5 5.6 -18%

Grant’s Little Gambling Gazebo

(Fingers crossed represents Grant’s pick)

Colts -1 at Titans Chargers +1.5 at Dolphins
Another TNF loss Herbert over Tua
Texans +4 at Browns
Browns letdown game? Broncos +3.5 at Raiders
Jaguars +13.5 at Packers Drew Lock blah

Don’t love it Bengals +7.5 at Steelers
Buccaneers -6 at Panthers Joey Covers (6-1 ATS)
Seahawks +2.5 at Rams
Bounce back game Seahawks can’t guard
Eagles -4 at Giants
49ers +9.5 at Saints
Eagles aren’t good Let down spot
Washington +4 at Lions
Matt Patricia SUCKS Ravens -7 at Patriots
Bills +3 at Cardinals Ravens run wild
Vikings -2.5 at Bears
Bills got coco Dalvin keeps cooking

The Bottom Three

Remember the movie “Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron”? It was one of my favorite movies as a
kid. It made Bryan Adams relevant to me. There was one scene/song I didn’t like. When Spirit
and his mom are both staring at the stars and somehow know what each other are going
through. The scene follows so many others in film. A sad catch your breath scene. I don’t need
to be told how to feel though. I’m emotionally intelligent enough to understand a horse’s
emotions and familial connections. Duh. Catch your breath while reading this, because while
some of you are telling me to “Get off of my back” many of us get wrangled in when reading
this segment and get forced to haul train up a hill. Maybe that one is only relevant in the wild
west.

10th Place – Jeffrey

I know this might be getting repetitive. Or is it redundant? Repetitive it is. The Bottom Three
probably starts to look like a copy and past segment, but Jeffrey’s team by almost all metrics is
one of the 2 worst teams in the league. However, based off the metric that gets you into the
playoffs, he is top 6. I guess the hill I am going to die on is not even a hot take. Jeffrey is
rostering a team that can’t win a championship, and shouldn’t even have three wins. Jeffrey has
set a league record with 4 straight games under 100 points, breaking a record of three formally
owned by Jeffrey himself.

11th Place – Chip

Hopefully Chip enjoyed his one week stay in the 12th seed, because after some many shit shows
around the Homieverse, Chip did enough to earn home field advantage in the last place game.
Chip has eclipsed the league average of 119 points just twice this season. Chip is a Death Star
with it’s shield deflector down, but that might be okay since his opponent is a legless, one armed
burning body. This is the Pillow Fight of the Year this week.

12th Place – Thad

I enjoyed my escape from the 12th spot for a week, but it felt manufactured since I was the one
making the ranking and all. Near the beginning of the year I felt like I was disproportionately
negging my team, but I think it has become clear that is not the case. There is unrest in the
locker room as DK Metcalf puts up 2017 Russell Westbrook numbers to carry this team to
absolute postseason destruction. As I said above, the matchup vs Chip will essentially seal the
coffin on either Thad or Chip into a bottom 2 seed, and maybe give one last push for the
winner.

In Waiting – Grant has resolved many of my doubts by being league high scorer twice. He is
no longer in waiting. Stephen, Andre, and Matt are certainly still vying for a spot down here.
And newcomer Alec is trying his best to show he belongs in the bottom three bungalow. What
can I say, people like it down here.

Running Record: 30-24 (55.6%)

1-6 week that was just a miserable fantasy football week for most.

Trends:
• Teams rostering a player that scores 40+ are overall 7-4

• TYLER LOCKET WK 7 TREND:

o Teams rostering a player that scores 50+ are overall 1-0

• Teams with TWO or more 25-point scores are 19-8

o Week 2: 3-1 o Week 6: 2-0
o Week 3: 5-1 o Week 7: 1-1
o Week 4: 2-2 o Week 8: 1-0
o Week 5: 2-1 o Week 9: 1-1

• Teams with THREE or more 25-point scores are 3-0

o Week 2: 1-0
o Week 3: 1-0
o Week 5: 1-0

Casual Khakis (-3.6) vs Team Nolan

No way the Khakis should be favored against Team Nolan even
though I do think Team Nolan is a little overrated.

Pick: Team Nolan +3.6

Tua Good Tua Be True vs Mos Eisley Han Shot First (-6.3)

Tua won a close pillow fight last week and seems to be on a historic
streak of not hitting 100 points. I think Tua continues history.

Pick: Mos Eisley Han Shot First -6.3

Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi vs Alvin and The Nose Rings (-5.4)

Tom Brady vs Lamar Jackson on Sunday night… wait never mind
Tom Brady left and now the Patriots are not good just like how Kelce
left and now The Nose Rings aren’t good.

Pick: Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi +5.4

Ruffles Have Ridges (-16.6) vs Daddy’s Darlings (IR)

An instant classic. A rematch of a title game. I love a revenge narrative.
Pick: Ruffles Have Ridges -16.6

Huntington Hedgehogs vs Richard Sherman (-18.4)

The Hogs have fallen off and are hit hard this week by bye weeks.
Pick: Richard Sherman -18.4

Derrick Diggs C Kupps (-8.4) vs Cheesus Christ

A double revenge game? Henry vs Godwin. I think the Kupps are
stacked and could contend this year. However, I said this last year, and
I don’t think he won another game.
Pick: Derrick Diggs C Kupps -8.4

Alvin and the Nose Rings (3-6) v. Master Ki-Thadi Mundi (3-6)

ESPN Prediction –Nose Rings (-5.4)

Some may view this as the Toilet Bowl of our league this year, but I prefer to
spin it as the Best Name Bowl. Because our team names are elite. Anyway, I
like my chances this week unless DK Metcalf does DK Metcalf things.
Hopefully this is a Tyler Lockett week for the Seahawks. I’m going with the
Nose Rings.
Winner – Alvin and the Nose Rings

Cheesus Christ (5-4) v. Dalvin Diggs C Kupps ;) (4-5)

ESPN Prediction – ;) (-1.7)

Andre’s RB situation right now is about as sus as mine, which is saying
something. Shoutout Chris Carson for that, I guess. I’m going with Grant this
week because I think his players are in a position to outperform Andre’s.
Plus Dalvin Cook is an animal right now.
Winner – Dalvin Diggs C Kupps

Huntington Hedgehogs (4-5) v. Richard Sherman (4-5)

ESPN Prediction –RS (-20.9)

This one is a pretty easy call. No Pat Mahomes and Calvin Ridley should give
you a pretty good indication of who I am picking for this one.
Winner – Richard Sherman

Ruffles Have Ridges (6-3) v. Daddy’s Darlings (4-5)

ESPN Prediction –Darlings (-15.2)

Andy’s playing 3D chess for starting Nyheim Hines this week. I’m sure that
was out of necessity as opposed to anything else, but hats off to you my
friend. That puts him in the driver’s seat this week, and I’m picking him to
win this week despite losing his best player to injury for the second time this
season.
Winner – Daddy’s Darlings

Team Nolan (7-2) v. Casual Khakis (4-5)

ESPN Prediction –Darlings (-3.6)

I bet Nick regrets not giving me Ronald Jones a few weeks ago now. Without
Tyreek, Nick’s team is only a little less insane. Yet, I’m going to pick Stephen
this week. I don’t know, something about his team is screaming out that it’s
going to have a monster day tomorrow. We’ll see. Go Herd.
Winner – Casual Khakis

GAME OF THE WEEK™
Tua Good Tua Be True (5-4) v. Mos Eisley Han Shot First (5-4)

ESPN Prediction –Han Shot First (-6.3)

This is the only matchup this week between two teams above 500. Alec’s
team is on a skid of skids. Last week’s lost was a tough one to swallow. But
he gets a full Chubb back this week, which is much needed if he hopes to
erect his name on the trophy at the end of the season. Any more boner jokes
I can make? None are coming to mind right now, so I’ll leave by saying I
think Alec stops his skid with a much needed win against Jeffrey.
Winner – Mos Eisley Han Shot First

I promise to be more intentional about giving thoughtful breakdowns of matchups next week.
Seeing as it is 12:01 am and I have to be at work at 5 am I have to keep this short. It is a shame that
I have to skimp this week as two of our top 9 rivalries take place, but I urge you to go to the blog
and the rivalry page that is on their to read the breakdowns. For this week I will simply give a letter

grade.

Alvin and the Nose Rings (3-6) v. Master Ki-Thadi Mundi (3-6): B-

Cheesus Christ (5-4) v. Dalvin Diggs C Kupps ;) (4-5): D-

Huntington Hedgehogs (4-5) v. Richard Sherman (4-5): C+ (Rivalry #5)

Ruffles Have Ridges (6-3) v. Daddy’s Darlings (4-5): F (Still rivalry #9)

Team Nolan (7-2) v. Casual Khakis (4-5): C+

Tua Good Tua Be True (5-4) v. Mos Eisley Han Shot First (5-4): D