2019 Week 1 Huntingten Homies Fantasy Newsletter

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Intro

Week One was all over the place for the Huntingten Homies. Nick achieved his second highest
scoring week ever with a diluted point pool. Last year’s playoff teams started off very strong as they all
won their respective matchups. Stephen didn’t win his matchup till the last drive of the Raiders game,
while Andy won his matchup on the first drive of the noon games. Regardless of some high point totals in
week 1, scoring was much lower. This week registered as our third lowest scoring week ever with an

average score of 121.6 points. Also, Thad’s longest win streak of 8 was ended.
By now you’ve noticed a new format to these newsletters, and hopefully it’s viewed as a positive change.
In this newsletter you can expect to see statistics, rankings, comparisons, and predictions. I don’t know
how to prep you for humor level in newsletters this year. I’d say it will vary week to week. Last year, the

newsletter was my outlet to keep in touch with you, now that feels less necessary.

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Analytics

Be aware that the analytics will get more accurate with more sample size. Just about every stat you see in this issue is
going to look more extreme then it will end up being.

Strength of Schedule

This is by far the most extreme chart. After week 13 last year we had a top end of 4 and a bottom end of around 7.

Obviously, I had the hardest week facing Andy who put up the most points. Andre and Jeffrey’s weeks weren’t much
better as they joined Thad as the 3 people to get beat by 50 or more points.

Luckiness

Think of Luckiness as who should be winning games and who shouldn’t. You’d naturally expect the six winners
to have the six highest scores of the week. Obviously, there are going to be high scoring teams that unluckily

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face each other, and that is the factor for Luckiness/Unluckiness. The Hedgehogs were easily the most
unfortunate team this week as he was the fourth highest scorer but was matched up with the third highest

scorer. Also, this chart is always going to be curved to put the unluckiest person at 0.

This week you can imagine a line at .73. If you are above this line, then you are technically lucky, and if you are
below this line you are unlucky. These numbers are not very established yet though. Stephen is the luckiest

because he was the 7th highest scorer and got a win. Stephen being the luckiest is a nice change from last year
where he was the curve.

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Nick will go 1-12. HOT TAKES
-Andy Tao
Nick Foles will have the 3rd
highest fantasy points for
QB this season.
-Hedgehogs

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D/K Awards

For those who do not know or do not remember, D/K is a stat that tracks the scoring of Defense and Kicking
points. This creates DK or Donkey Kong. Defense and kicking are largely viewed as luck for each week, but
some people are better at forecasting Kicker and Defense productivity. This week, every person who had the
higher DK score in their matchup won their game. That only happened once last year. There are up to 4 weekly
Kong awards. Killer Kong, Diddy Kong, Kranky Kong, and Hairless Kong. No Kranky Kong will be awarded this

week.

Killer Kong – This award is typically going to go to the person who
scored the highest amount of DK points each week. That means this
week the award goes to RIDGE! Ridge put up 31 DK points this week,
the second highest total ever for him. Ridge finished second last year in
DK scoring, so he is continuing his tradition of scoring high.

Diddy Kong- This award typically goes to someone where we are
either impressed or unimpressed with the DK total but have to say
“Did he win?”. The answer can vary for this award. This week the
award goes to Stephen! Stephen scored 14 DK points, 2 below the
league average, but he still had more than Grant (10) and that helped
him in a close game. Diddy win? He did, and special teams is
important in close games.

Hairless Kong – The method behind this award varies. It’s never meant to
be an honor however. Jeffrey tried hard to earn this award by only
collecting 7 DK points, but Thad tried harder with 6. Its never a good sign
when your kicker scores -1 points and then gets cut. Moreover, its
shameful for the previous years DK champion to come out with such a
pathetic start. This was Thad’s lowest DK game ever. Jeffrey finished 3rd in
DK last year.

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PLAYER PROFILE: ANDY TAO

The past two fantasy seasons have featured the heavy weight of Daddy’s Darlings.
This year appears to be no different. In the 2017-2018 season Andy was the underdog that showed up in the
championship to defeat Chip. Last year, the tables were turned, and the man who went 11-2 in the regular
season was avenged by the heavy underdog Chip. The Andy and Chip power struggle has become familiar, and
2019-2020 doesn’t looks like it will be any different. These two gentlemen notched the two highest scores in
Week 1. And you may be thinking, “It’s just week 1, it’s too soon to tell.” You’d be right. Andy could very well
be a Christian McCaffery injury away from being a bottom 8 team, and he has shown the chinks in his armor.

Nick Nolan, the man who got last place in the league last year, proved himself to be a
surprising giant killer last year. In a league that averaged 128 points per week last year, Nick averaged 100.9.
Nick went combined 2-1 against Chip and Andy, and he is the only team (excluding Urchins and Hedgehogs)
that Andy has not defeated. Nick is the chink in the armor, but he isn’t necessarily the threat. Nick has shown
that any win can be achieved any given week, but it is Chip who has shown that only one thing matters:
making the playoffs. It’s in the final four weeks where stars will sit and playing fields will be made even.

You may wonder what the relevance of this player profile is. Is it just to restate the
randomness of fantasy football? No. There are going to be 12 of these newsletters leading to Week 13, the
penultimate week, and there happen to be 12 of us. The goal of these will be to create narrative. Narrative will
become more relevant with more data and more on the line at the end of the season.

This week Grant Subik will be tasked with the challenge of stopping Andy. It should be
a painful procedure for Grant to endure as he both cheers for McCaffery and against McCaffery
simultaneously. Andy is 2-0 against Grant in head to head matchups. In those 2 matchups, Andy has outscored
Grant by 119.4 points. In the 14 regular season weeks that we’ve documented these stats, Andy has outscored
Grant on 12 of those weeks. The two weeks that Grant outscored Andy he tallied 135 and 160 points
respectively. That is to say Grant will likely have to score more than his currently projected 115.5 points. This is
a divisional game for these two gents, meaning it carries extra weight.
Prediction: Daddy’s Darlings

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End of Season Awards and Bowls

You may remember the bowl games and cups awarded at the end of last season. New people have been
added to these, so I am going to give a short preview of these this year. You will be playing for more than

one bowl.

Big Blue Bowl: Andy, Connor, Ridge and Thad compete for this “trophy”. The best record against the
group will be crowned champion. Andy won this last year while Thad was runner up.

The Coal Bowl: This pits WVU students (Nick and Andre) vs Marshall students (Stephen, Grant, and
Hedgehogs). This will be based on win percentage against other school. Last year WVU won this bowl.

White Boys Bowl: We now have 10 white boys battling for this one. Best winning percentage will
determine the winner of this one. Last year Connor won and Grant was the runner up.

Tiger Woods Classic: The showdown between Andy and Andre. Last year Andy won this one.

Class of 2016 Cup: Graduates of the year 2016 are eligible for this one. Only wins against other 2016
graduates will count. Last year Andy was the Liz Conaty (first place) and Stephen was the Dropout (last
place).

Southside Showdown: Awarded to the winner of Chip and Ridge. Last year Chip won with a tiebreaker.

Beverly Hills Bowl: Awarded to the person that lives approximately in Beverly Hills with the best record
vs other BH people. (Connor, Andre, Thad, Stephen, Jeffrey, Urchins, Hedgehogs).

Commuters Cup: Awarded to the best head to head record for Andy vs Nick vs Grant.

Couples Classic: Award given the person in a relationship with the best record vs people in
relationships. You all will have to let me know who is in a relationship because I’m not caught up with all
of you.

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Week 2 Forecast

Matchup: Davante’s Inferno (0-1) vs Huntington Hedgehogs (0-1)
Information: This is the only Week 2 matchup between winless teams. The Hedgehogs are still winless
in the HH, but they started strong on their inaugural weekend, losing a close game to Ridge. Last week,
Andre underperformed his projection by 30 points while the Hedgehogs exceeded their projection by 25.
It’s too early in the game to try and use SOS or Luckiness as a predictive tool.
Prediction: Huntington Hedgehogs

Matchup: Melbourne Sea Urchins (0-1) vs NukTown OBJYNs (1-0)
Information: Here again we have another matchup that is hard to predict just due to lack of historical
data because the Urchins are new. Both teams underperformed their projections last week, Urchins by 24
points and Stephen by 7 points. Lack of information probably helps the Urchins, because what we know
about Stephen is that he was 3-10 last year (despite him being very unlucky). Stephen’s luckiness this
year isn’t too relevant since we’ve only played one week.
Prediction: NukTown OBJYNs

Matchup: Richard Sherman (1-0) vs Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi (0-1)
Information: Connor is 0-2 in head to head matchups vs Thad by a total margin of 58 points. Connor
has outscored Thad 6 of the documented 14 regular season weeks. Last week Thad was 40 points below
his scoring projection while Connor was 14 points above his. Connor won’t go winless forever in this
roommate rivalry.
Prediction: Richard Sherman

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Predictions Continued

Matchup: Contract Issues (0-1) vs Ruffles Have Ridges (1-0)
Information: Jeffrey is 1-1 in head to head matchups vs Ridge but has been outscored by 58 points
total. Ridge has outscored Jeffrey 10 of the 14 regular season weeks. Jeffrey underscored his projection
by 36 points and Ridge outscored his projection by 19 points. Ridge’s team seems really good, and
Jeffrey’s team is very capable for big scoring weeks, especially if Melvin Gordon comes back.
Prediction: Ruffles Have Ridges

Matchup of the Week: Alvin and the Nose Rings (1-0) vs Team Nolan (1-0)
Information: This is the matchup of the week due to both teams having a 1-0 record. On top of that,
Chip was our champion last year, and Nick got last place. Chip and Nick split their meetings last year
where Chip scored 2 points more total. Both teams outscored their projection last week by about 20
points. Chip has outscored Nick 9 of 14 regular season weeks. I think Nick’s team will do well this year.
Prediction: Alvin and the Nose Rings

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Power Rankings

Power Rankings

1. Andy
2. Chip
3. Ridge
4. Connor
5. Nick
6. Hedgehog
7. Stephen
8. Grant
9. Urchins
10. Andre
11. Jeffrey
12. Thad

*Power rankings are based on
2 formulas and use the GM’s
rankings as a tiebreaker.

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Comparisons

This week I’m going to be comparing everyone to a Sports Illustrated model/cover. The downside to doing this
comparison is that there aren’t negative comparisons to make since models are almost universally hot.

Daddy’s Darlings: Kate Upton

Kate Upton is likely the
most iconic Sports
Illustrated model ever.
She’s perennially in the
swimsuit edition, just
like Andy has been in the
playoffs what seems like
every year (it hasn’t
been). Kate Upton has
big boobs, and Andy is a
big boob. I don’t have
much to say on this one.
There isn’t much bad to
say about Daddy’s
Darlings, and I don’t
have complaints with
Kate Upton (See Cat
Daddy video).

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Alvin and the Nose Rings: Bar Refaeli

There are a few people that
would challenge Kate Upton
for the top spot of SI models.
Bar Refaeli is often slept on
probably just because it is
hard to remember her name
off the top of your head.
Refaeli also has a lot of curve
going on in this picture
especially. It is reminiscent of
a curve depicting Chip’s week
to week point production.
Despite being champion, Chip
had his fair share of week
outings last year. Do not
forget he finished the regular
season 7-6. But he was the
champion last year and the
runner up before that. That’s
why I feel it’s appropriate to
gift him this comparison. Also,
the design on her bottoms
really looks like a moustache,
right? Who wouldn’t want to
have their face buried in that
moustache?

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Ruffles Have Ridges: Ashley Graham

Ashley Graham was a big
name in SI modeling due to
her giving representation
to girls who are +size
models. She came to mind
when considering a
comparison for Ridge
because of how Ridge has
performed over the years.
Last year we saw Ridge in
the playoffs and win third
place. Before that I don’t
know, before that he lost in
the championship to
Stephen. Ridge is often
putting up points and
looking good, but it never
really feels like he’s a
serious contender. Ashley
Graham is hot to be honest.
She would probably break
most of our pelvis’ if we
attempted any form of
female on top sex, but that
doesn’t mean it wouldn’t
be a fair price to pay. She
made a SI cover, but she
has never been viewed as a
legitimate top model. I
don’t mean this as coming
at Ridge, but the act is
getting a little old.

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Richard Sherman: Brooklyn Decker

Ah what it was to be
relevant 10 years ago. It
feels like it has been 10
years since Connor won
back to back titles. In the
pre-Kate Upton era,
Brooklyn Decker was
queen. Likewise, Casual
Khakis and AP Squad
(former names of
Huntingten Homies) were
the stomping grounds of
Connor. To this day
Connor/ Brooklyn have
remained relevant
enough, but they aren’t
up to snuff with what
they used to be. I would
do Brooklyn Decker… if we
were married. If you strip
away the titles and the
swimsuit tops, then we
see the true difference
between Connor and
Brooklyn Decker. Connor
would just be a little man
playing fantasy football,
and Brooklyn Decker
would be a topless, tan,
blond supermodel.

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Team Nolan: Chrissy Teigen

You may look at this
comparison and think I’m
being nice. Well I’m not
trying to be. Nick got off to
a good start, and maybe his
team will be able to score
points week to week unlike
last year. Chrissy Teigen is
very popular, butt she lacks
something. She doesn’t
have a butt. This flaw
doesn’t have to be a big
deal, especially if you aren’t
a butt guy, but the lack of
this feature is noticeable.
When you get up to the top
of the female power
ranking, you’re going to
need to be more well
rounded. Nick’s butt is his
resume. Nick was last place
last year. At some point you
wonder what Nick’s
capability would be to
actually compete in a
playoff situation. Would
you do Chrissy Teigen
though? Your call.

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Huntington Hedgehogs: Nina Agdal

Nina Agdal is top shelf
(of course everyone is
since these are
models). After one
week of evidence, I
would say that the
Hedghogs are the last
good team on this list.
I’d also say the
Hedgehogs are
underrated according
to the power rankings.
Looking at the week 1
performance, there
really isn’t anything to
complain about. They
put up 140 points and
then got unlucky.
Looking at Nina Agdal,
what is there to
complain about?
Honestly, scan every
inch of her body and
find her flaw. With an
exterior like that, you
know she either has a
really tiny dick or a
horrible personality.
Nina Agdal would be a
non-controversial pick
to make the playoffs
(top 4 models). Also,
the nipples have got to
be small(ish), and the
Hedgehogs also have
small(ish) nipples. I’m
done.

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Nuktown OBJYNs: Heidi Klum

The mother of swimsuit
models, I am choosing to
put some respect on
Stephen’s name by
giving him Heidi Klum.
Stephen in our GM, and I
think by using some
abbreviated logic,
Stephen is the father of
this league. Heidi
garners her respect at
this stage with tenure.
She has of course been
on covers and had her
moments at the top, but
at this point she is a
name and a memory.
Stephen has been living
in the shadow of his
2017 championship for
two years now, so maybe
this 1-0 start is a sign of
a bounce back year.
Heidi Klum is very hot,
and as far as women
over 45 years old she is
one of the finest. *see
Jennifer Aniston

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Load of Landry: Brooks Nader

Never heard of Brooks
Nader? Me neither.
Brooks was the rookie of
the year for SI this year,
so it felt appropriate to
give her to last years
Rookie of the Year. Of
course, this isn’t that
much of an honor
considering Grant was
the only rookie. It’s hard
to make some predictions
when the sample size is
so small, but so far,
considering none of you
have heard of Brooks, it
might be fair to say she
isn’t capable of attaining
star status as a swimsuit
model. Grant is likewise
still young in the league,
and he didn’t get last, but
he hasn’t been a page-
turner. I would count on
Grant/Brooks to be
satisfying every once in a
while, but not in it for the
long haul. This girl is
winning in the face
though, but her eyebrows
don’t hold a candle to my
dude Grant.

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Melbourne Sea Urchins: Rebecca Romijn-Stamos

Let’s call her RRS. I
looked back at every
SI cover in the past
30 years, and this
one evoked the least
blood flow. The
picture is fuzzy and
the tense lis really
dim the great body
for me. What really
drew my eye as a
comparison for the
Urchins is the
chainmail attire.
After a defeat in
week one, it looks
like there might be
many brutal losses
for the Urchins.
Losses where
chainmail for
defensive purposes
would be helpful. I
think due to
unfortunate injuries
and being an
expansion team, we
could be looking at
this years Nick. Not
necessarily getting
last, but getting
slammed for lower
scoring wins by me.
Nick still managed to
squeeze out 5 wins in
a really tough season.
Ill be rooting for the
Urchins. But like bare
nipple on chainmail,
this might be an
uncomfortable intro
to the league for
Urchins.

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Davante’s Inferno: Tyra Banks

I had one qualifier
in mind while
searching for
Andre’s
comparison. You
guessed it, they
had to have big
muscular thighs.
Tyra’s belly
button is deep
and looks like it
holds a lot of
mysteries inside. I
hope this naval
really makes the
Huntington
Hedgehogs
uncomfortable
(he’s afraid of
belly buttons).
Andre has been
the team where
he looks better
than he is. I’m not
trying to make an
assertion about
Tyra Banks here,
but is she all that?
She looks like a
total babe here,
but I’m not sold
on the substance.
Last year Andre
was fools gold till
midseason. This
year he started
flat. There’s
nothing flat about
Tyra Banks, so my
assertion is that
Andre is going to
be very up and
down and middle
of the road.

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Contract Issues: Ann Simonton

We’re deep in the
annals of SI cover
history. This woman
is obviously pretty,
but the pose leaves
a lot to be desired.
Imagine signing up
for the swimsuit
edition and you get
a woman in a gray
cotton 2 piece with
not much to look at.
How were our dads
supposed to jerk off
to this. There’s a lot
of expectation from
a team with Michael
Thomas and Ezekiel
Elliot. Last year
those 2 carried
Jeffrey all the way to
the last place game.
This year they have
given Jeffrey a sub
100 game to start
off. One would think
with Aaron
Rodgers, and Melvin
Gordon waiting, this
team will have some
good weeks, just
like you’d expect to
go through this
magazine and see
more than a flat ass
and mosquito bite
side boob.

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Master Ki-Thadi-Mundi: Lena Kansbod

For this I’m not
looking at the model
as much as I’m
looking at the
situation. It looks like
she was supposed to
sit in this chair and
be sexy, but instead
the chair leg
unexpectedly caved
in and she is laughing
it off and hiding the
pain. I can relate to
this. I had
expectation this year
coming off of an 8
game winning streak.
But the chair leg
caving in is my
Antonio Brown. And
I’m smiling through
the embarrassment
while trying to make
everyone forget I just
lost by 86 points.
Lena is a mess with
that one piece that
turns an unexpected
shade of blue at the
bottom of her suit.
Lena has two shades
of blue on, but I’m
going to be feeling all
shades of blue once
this season is over.

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Fin

Updated 12 person picture coming soon…