Spring 2023 Lord of Misrule [honking noise] Mama Needs to Bathe Getting Commuter Railed Wanted in 15 Countries Douche with Acoustic Guitar Guardian of Glucose mediumsizedman Ugandan Liason Harvey Sugiuchi Kaija Grisham Emma Fiesinger Julian Knight Phillip Bard Tarah Sleight Rae Rein Omer Barash Logan Miller Amelia Minchin Ceil Shandell Eva Balogh Vincent Lian Joshua Hertz Madeline Logan D Dias Jason Gross Dillin Temple Seabird Fetishist Back Half of the Horse Costume Front Half of the Horse Costume Sugiuchi Senpai’s Meow Meow Harvey’s Roommate & Lover Paul Dano Face Nice Guy® Token Political Extremist Doesn’t Even Go Here, Fuckers Our Competent Staff Gravity was founded in 1990 by Noel Rappin ‘93, Matthew Cohen ‘93, and Jason Schneiter ‘93. All content ©2023 its respective creators. Gravity retains the rights to reprint all content, including electronic reproductions. Violators will be emotionally violated. Cover design and logotype by Julian Knight ‘23. This page, dumbass 3 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 20 21 22 23 23 Table of Contents Ledditor to the Editor Starving Artists’ Rejects Go On Hunger Strike Handsy’s Hedonistic Hole RATFUCKERS im not sad ur sad Everyone is All Right Getting Lit as a Shut-In: A Brandesian Self-Help Guide Hate Crime Mad Libs New AI Helps Brandeis Students Pretend They Can Party Advising AI All Ashkenazi Jews at Brandeis Related Brandeis is Going Woman Free Starshit: Brandeis’ Big Relief Got a Problem with Brandeis? No You Don’t! Which Foodie Cutie Are You? Professor Quotes The God Button at ITS Where Does the Money Go? Brandesian Horoscopes Sir Kensington’s Saucy Surprise (Fanfiction) Shapiro Lounge Fights Back Marriage Pact Don’t Chat Back In this edition... About Our Cover Starting this fall, LATTE, the University’s much-beloved learning management system, will be gradually replaced by Canvas. LATTE will join Sage, its eternal spiritual partner and fellow records management program in afterlife, their emptied webpages echoing the Brandeis of an era now in gone. Special thanks to... • DCL, for their hospitality • Treasury. for their generosity • Claudia Novack for being on sabbatical • Alyssa, for bankrolling our valentines from overseas • Ron Liebowitz, for his “special favor” • Julian, for doing a terrible job running Instagram • Harvey for “you don’t need to thank me”
3 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Hello, If you aren’t fluent in wingdings(wy-ang danh-g), that means hello! 4 years back, we joined this shitshow of a magazine, seeking death, tyranny, and the wallowing of misery. We hope we’ve made this campus a little bit worse, but looking at our current Administration, they don’t need any help on that front. We’ll miss our time spent at Gravity, up to and including the friends, enemies, and enemies-to-lovers we made, spending our meeting salivating over Ron Liebowitz (don’t get jealous, Jessica!), battling crippling Fun Dip addiction, and of course, layout(kill me.) We will never be the same after reading the Sarah Palin Wolf Vore Article(Fall 2018, for the cultured—thanks Mark and Kevin!), and if trauma bonding doesn’t make you want to join a magazine, we don’t know what else will. Kaija will be taking over from the shared hivemind of the tri-editor, and we look forward to what comes next. For all future editors, the state of our campus in Spring 2023: —Finished the archives, now available on Anyflip. —DSE evicts NEET Gravity from the BMC after 33 years. Ron’s basement, here we come! —Mummified ferret corpse of mascot “Fluffy” unearthed from bottom of BMC drawers. —The Brandeis community asked to envision what housing could look like, because they sure as hell won’t get any next semester. —Gravity budget cut to a piece of used gum, and some dental floss. Geronimo motherfuckers, Harvey, Emma, and Kaija Editors-in-Chief Ledditor Starving Artists’ Rejects Go On Hunger Strike Due to the Class of 2026’s recordbreaking, perineum-ripping size, this semester’s Starving Artists’ auditions also came with a recordbreaking number of rejects. The a cappella group’s guerilla-style recruitment tactics, from pepper spray at the club fair to QR code posters that give you a virus if you don’t join their listserv, managed to “convince” 139 unsuspecting students to audition. Of these, only four sad people who now think they’re more talented than everyone else were accepted into the group. As it turns out, the other 135 also think they’re more talented than everyone else, and have decided to protest. Initially, 10 students had simply written an email asking for a second try, but Starving Artists responded that they could not have one. This prompted 63 of the rejected students to organize a hunger strike, refusing to eat until their demands for another round of auditions were met. “There was only one logical escalation,” said Jessica TwinkleToes, leader of the strike. “They literally signed their email ‘Starving, Artists.’ Let’s see how they respond to some actual starving artists.” Harvest Table workers are supporting the strike, as the dining halls don’t have to deal with as many students. “At the beginning of the year, we made a board in the Sherman kitchen where we write the number of days since we didn’t run out of metal forks during a meal,” a Harvest Table executive told Gravity. “This is the first time it’s gotten to two days so far.” When asked for a comment, Starving Artists started singing “99 a caproblems”, their newest song which you can buy now on Apple Music for the low, low price of your dignity. It’s starving time!
4 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine A sex column brought to you by Handsy Sukimaki and Ron Germy Q: What are some of your fetishes? A: Sisyphusification: “Oh no step-boulder, don’t make me push you up the hill again!” Snakearms: Autreptoticsnakesfixiation, perfectly self explanatory. Reverse-Incest: “Although usually I’m all for Roll Tide and Rawhide, sadly this fetish is not available in Alabama.” Q: My boyfriend is graduating next semester and I’m worried about long distance-what can I do? A: Long distance doesn’t have to be a problem! Simply hire someone to be your double! Do you have a sister, by chance? A twin is even better! Q: I’m graduating this year, and my girlfriend thinks we’re gonna do longdistance; how do I tell her I’m breaking up with her to shack up with her sister? A: Why break up with her at all? Like I said, if you have a twin, this is a great way to set them up with a starter model. Even a friend who looks close enough can work if you have poor enough latency! Spread that wealth! #king #twincest Q: How many times do I have to moan your name while masturbating before this manifestation will come through? A: I’m flattered, but I don’t get out of bed for less than 8,000. You need to get those numbers up. Q: Something changed in me after watching Donkey Kong put his meaty, animated paws all over Mario in The Super Mario Bros. movie. The voice acting from Seth Rogen only heightened my arousal. How do I get that “Kongck” if you know what I mean? A: Much like in Alabama, I would suggest a “Smash Brothers” tourney to embark on your sexual journey. Q: When I took my kids to see the new Super Mario Brothers movie, I noticed a disturbing amount of fetish content, including vore, inflation, and fursuits. What can I do to help screen my children from this sort of media? A: If you’re serious about keeping your children sexually stunted, I recommend taking away their internet, instead of taking money from the needy, i.e., the Nintendo Corporation. Q: If he farts while I’m doing anal, will my balls explode? Is the fart trapped? A: Yes. It’s also the reason why some people have outie belly buttons. On the plus side, you’re doing your part to keep emissions down. Q: I’m attracted to 2D women, but that doesn’t translate well to a sexdoll. How do I keep from getting a paper cut? A: That’s a salient question! Let us bring you into the fold; the ancient art of Pornigami, if artfully employed, can facilitate a connection. Tutorials can be found on all pornographic streaming services. Invest in laminated, or waterproofed paper, in case things get wet. Papercuts are nigh unavoidable. The things we do for love. Q: Is hentai halachically sound, given that shellfish are involved? A: Normally, anything lacking fin or scale is certified trife, which would rule out anything with tentacles. However, the Grimaldi squid has both fins and scales, meaning that it is kosher. Remember, according to the Oral Torah (Genesis 38:7)*, one must not spill their seed— insemination saves the nation! Your fixation, *No word from the Anal Torah, apparently. Handsy’s Hedonistic Hole
5 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Something new has taken Brandeis by swarm. The RATFUCKERS (Residents Advocating Total Fair Understanding Concerning Kstudentsand Erotic RatS) are the most recently organized student club on campus, and they have something to say regarding the mistreatment of the undergraduate community and the undeniable sexiness of rodents. “I agree wholeheartedly with what we stand for. We need better housing, food, and mental health services. Oh, and I wanna fuck rats,” said Stephanie “Squeakers” Stevens, acting president, or “Biggus Rattus”, of the club. She realized, one day after witnessing a rat steal a small child from the Lemberg Children’s Center, that she was in awe of these creatures. “My room doesn’t have air conditioning, it floods all the time, and worst of all, I can’t love on my rats if I’m in a forced triple.” Their club activities include hanging around Skyline by the dumpster, hanging around Shapiro Hall by the dumpsters, and hanging around upper Usdan by the first-years. Club Support told them if they wanted to get chartered, they’d need to do a little more than that. Jabroni Jacobson, the social chair, said in response, “Eh, we aren’t that interested in being chartered. We don’t want to be tied down to the man, you know? I’d much rather be tied to a rat.” We just nodded vigorously in response because they can smell fear. Their current strategy to recruit new members, following the example of every other club at this school, is to bribe them with free food. You may have seen their posters pasted around campus, advertising cheese, bread, and Harvest Table scraps to everyone who comes to their march through the sewers. And, their credit, it worked. “I ran out of points my first week here because I have a crippling addiction to bagels and shaving cream. I’m so desperate for nourishment I’ll do basically anything.” commented Kleebus Ford, first-year student, before absolutely demolishing an entire can of sweet corn. Not everyone is here for the food or the sexual gratification, though. “Wait, wait, wait. Hold on. I’m just here because I want to be a vet for small animals. Is this not the club for that?” asked one student who clearly signed up for the wrong email list, and whose name we couldn’t catch because they were promptly jumped by club members and picked clean, leaving their bones for the theater department to use in their next Spooky Spingold event. Not everyone is happy, either. “I’m so sick of all these unions. Brandeis Leftist Union? Student Union? The Union in the American Civil War? I can’t stand it,” yelled Mantis Carbomb, random person yoinked from the SCC, when asked about his opinion on the group. He, too, was immediately captured by the club, but we just kind of stood by and watched because he had a really good housing number and we need that last Ziv. Finally, we went to the authority on all things potentially sexy here at Brandeis, SSIS, hoping their expertise on a student body that doesn’t have a body count could shed light into this phenomena. They merely emailed back,” We support any and all sexual identities, but, y’all, this is a crime.” And we think that sums it up pretty nicely. Make sure to look out for Covid Part 2: Black Plague Boogaloo coming to a Brandeis near you! RATFUCKERS
6 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Have you ever been sad? Good for you. But don’t you worry, we have the solution for YOU!!! And unlike all of those other programs that will have a bunch of complicated steps and tell you introspective bullshit like “look into yourself ” or find “inner peace” and some shit, we only have one very simple step. Okay; you ready? Go. To. College. That’s it. That’s all it takes to solve all of your problems. Scientists have been trying for years to figure out exactly what it is about this magical place that causes sadness to just disappear, but nobody has managed to figure it out. It’s like magic; walk onto campus, and you’ll feel all of your problems simply melt away. The transformation is so extreme that students often grow between 3-4 inches in height the minute they walk onto campus as they shed the burden they’ve been carrying for years.. If any of the following sound familiar, then college might be for you! • Have you ever felt like you don’t know where your life is going? Like you’re stuck on a treadmill that’s moving faster and faster under your feet and you’re just trying to keep from falling off and smashing your head open on the cheap plastic frame? If so, that’s over! You will feel such a sense of peace and contentment here that you simply will not be able to imagine; it’s actually been compared to the Nirvana achieved by Buddhist monks after 60 years of enlightenment! • Have you ever felt lonely? Well, never more! You’re going to be surrounded by so many people all of the time, it’s going to be impossible to feel lonely. You will consistently, without fail, go to bed at the end of each day thinking about how loved and seen you feel by everybody around you, and how you’ve finally found the community you’ve been searching for your entire life. • Have you ever had low self confidence? Not been comfortable with the way you look on the outside, how smart you think you are, or whether you’re a good person? Not sure whether you even have any value and deserve to be liked, let alone loved? Even better, have you placed your entire sense of self value on a grading system or productivity myth that has left you feeling hollow and worthless? Don’t worry; College has got your back! Those things are pains of the past, and you can kiss them goodbye and good riddance. Whatever it is, college is the magical cure. Depression? Never heard of it. Anxiety? You’ll be calmer than a cucumber on a Cuban beach being fanned by banana leaves. In fact any and all mental health disorders actually seem to disappear here, hence why College Accomodations and Counseling Centres across the country receive negligible funding each year. Whatever it is, just know that all your problems will be solved on the other side of that campus property line. Some people might say that the grass always just looks greener on the other side, but guess what? Those people haven’t been to college. im not sad ur sad
7 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 After a tumultuous vote by the student body, a new law has come to pass on the Brandeis Campus. President Ronald Leibowitz revealed the new bylaw via a large email blast last night: “For too long, members of our community have been constrained by unfortunate truths. We at Brandeis believe that everyone should have the ability to have their voice heard and validated, without obstacle or excuse. It is time for the Brandeis community to do what’s right and accept that Everyone Is Right. All Of The Time.” Professors, students, staff alike are all working to understand what the implementation of this policy might look like, and how it will affect life at Brandeis. In a recent interview, sophomore Mariah Carey stated, “I think it’s just great. After I saw the email I went to my Calc professor and told him, ‘hey, I actually got a 98% on that last quiz, not a 43%,’ and he fixed it immediately.”. Professors also seem quite excited. Dr. Newt Trino, the head of the physics department, shared “You have no idea how much this is going to help our grants. Now all we need to do is say that something is ‘going to change the world’, and the dollars can just start pouring in; NIH, NSF, WTF, whatever. We don’t even need to submit results anymore, we can just say that the results are promising and suddenly they are! It’s really changed the game for us.” University administration also seems quite pleased with the change. Student Financial Services was asked to comment on how this policy might affect their administration:; “We’re absolutely thrilled!” they responded,. “Up until now we’ve had to provide financial aid to students according to that pesky Estimated Family Contribution number. It’s so annoying. I mean, obviously we want to be able to charge people more than that, but students simply weren’t able to afford it. Now we can say, ‘hey, we know you can pay more than this,’ and suddenly it has to be true! What an incredible way to keep the school’s financial motor running. We only wish that someone had thought of this sooner.” Only time will tell how this new policy will work out for Brandeis, but in the meantime it is very clear that if nothing else, at least Everyone and Everything Are All Right. Everyone Is All Right BIG LOUIE IS WATCHING YOU
8 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine So. Here we are again. It’s Friday night and the clubs of Boston are just too far away. In fact, everything is too far away. But you’re still looking to get lit! What’s a Brandeisan to do? This guide is here to help you have an absolutely blasted night with only materials found around campus! PART 1: Getting High DIYing drugs is always tricky, so let’s stick to the basics - huffing and snorting, nothing intravenous. The C-Store offers quite a few options for this - from whipped cream canisters to Febreze and aspirin, there’s a whole treasure trove of dangerous and desperate ways to get high waiting for you in lower Usdan. Personally, I enjoy a good Whippet or whatever my TA friend can steal from the chemistry labs, but if you’re looking for some stronger stuff that’ll potentially leave you with brain damage, the Goldman-Schwartz Fine Arts Studios always have a plethora of fume-rich paint to sit with in a confined space. Of course, it’s usually kept behind locked doors, so remember to bring a hairpin. PART 2: Getting Drunk Back to C-Store we go! This time, we’re here for Kedem Grape Juice and as many sugar packets as you can stuff into your coat pockets. That’s right, pathetic underaged people: we’re making prison wine! For this recipe, we’ll also need approximately 10 oranges from Usdan or Sherman, and maybe some raspberry flavor pumps if you’re feeling fancy. Just mush it all into the grape juice container, tie a condom from the hallway dispensers to the top of it, and wait for that son of a bitch to inflate. This mixture can have anywhere from a 2% to 14% alcohol content, and it’s going to smell and taste awful, but is much classier than mead! Another option is to get the listerine from the C-Store and chug it. It actually does have a very small alcohol proof, and kids did this at my jewish sleepaway camp to get drunk on the last night of the session. Usually you just vomit minty fresh, but maybe you can keep it down! PART 3: Getting Help Do not do any of the things I have on this guide. If you are this desperate to be high or drunk you need to take a step back and evaluate your respect for your body and safety. None of this is worth the long term damage you will do to yourself. Trust me, as someone who has done quite a few of these things for real, just get a fake or like … go to a frat party idk. Actually, I think I’d rather hotbox with Febreze again then attend another Phi Psi “party”… Getting Lit as a Shut-In: A Brandeisan Self-Help Guide
9 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Condemning the Events in [location of hate crime] Hello [student name], As you may already be aware from various news outlets, there was a recent attack on the [minority group] community in [location] on [date]. We are so sorry this has happened, and send our thoughts and/or prayers to the families of the victim(s). The normalization of anti-[same minority group] stereotypes has fueled hateful attacks on the [same minority group] community for more than [period of time], and we must be [strong adjective] in our denunciation of all who perpetuate them. IF JEWISH COMMUNITY WAS DIRECTLY IMPACTED: As an institution with Jewish roots, we must strongly condemn this [attack type], since it is important that Brandeis clarifies that it is surprisingly not the biggest fan of anti-semitism. OPTIONAL: I understand that this is a stressful period for many across the University. We invite you to attend a collaborative webinar offered by the Department of German, Russian and Asian Languages and Literatures and [other department name] on [date], to voice concerns and reflect on these recent events in a safe space. It has been [negative adjective] for me, as I am sure it has for you. If you are in need of resource(s), we invite you to visit the “Support at Brandeis” webpage, but keep in mind that these resources have a seventeen-month waiting list. In lieu of support, here’s some stress busters from Hiatt and a link to play with a puppy at the BCC! Sincerely, Ron Liebowitz
10 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Are you a freshman who’s scared to go to a frat party but still wants to “get the experience”? Or perhaps one of those desperate people on Sidechat always asking who’s throwing, even on a Tuesday? Thanks to a collaboration between the Zeta Beta Tau fraternity and the Brandeis Computer Science Department (more overlap than you’d expect!), you can now have your own personal frat party from the comfort of your dorm room with the help of a new artificial intelligence software: ChatZBT. ChatZBT is the first ever artificial intelligence chatbot specifically designed to mimic the interactions you only ever have at a Brandeis frat party, whether it’s with a very crossed stranger, the guy that collects your money at the door, or that one friend you somehow convinced to come with you. For only five dollars per night, or three if you’re a woman wearing something revealing, you can use ChatZBT to simulate a total rager using only your computer. Each night, ChatZBT will select a theme for your party by choosing two random adjectives and putting them together. Every character you interact with will either take this theme extremely seriously or completely forget it exists. To accurately simulate the atmosphere of a frat party, your computer will blast shitty hip-hop at max volume after completely disabling the volume controls. Every so often, you will get a message from a ‘brother’ asking if you’re having a good time! ChatZBT will also occasionally fill your entire screen with an unclosable popup ten-minute video of people making out and grinding in a way that makes you feel like they have never had sex. Don’t forget to use ChatZBT’s FratChat feature to talk to an imaginary frat member! Just kidding, you won’t forget, because it’ll open up its own chat and just start talking at any point. If you’re a woman, it will hit on you in the most uncomfortable ways possible, and if you’re a man, it will constantly ask if you’ve ever considered rushing! These chats are impossible to mute or delete, so you’ll keep receiving increasingly unintelligible messages as the night continues. Can’t decide what to drink at your party? Ask ChatZBT for cocktail suggestions! It’ll give you some classic, delicious recipes like vodka and coke, vodka and sprite, or vodka and vodka! If none of those work for you, ask it for more and it’ll instruct you to just take a shot of rubbing alcohol. It won’t be that much worse than the mystery cup of what’s in the medicine cabinet that you’d be served at an actual frat party! If all this is still not immersive enough for you, head over to our website and get the ChatZBT Dorm Room Accessory Pack for only $69!1 You’ll receive an attachment for your heater that will raise the temperature by one degree every three minutes. The pack also includes an air freshener that will occasionally spray the scent of weed directly into your face for the best 4D ChatZBT experience, and a string of LED lights that are a little too red to feel comfortable. The creators of ChatZBT have also told us that a mobile app is in progress and may be released sometime this fall. “ChatZBT Go! will allow you to bring your virtual frat party with you as you wander through the C-Store and avoid human interaction,” said the software’s creator, Zach Brian Terabyte. The app is rumored to have new features such as a virtual beer pong minigame, but the creators have yet to confirm or deny this. 1 Nice. New AI Helps Brandeis Students Pretend They Can Party
11 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 When asked to comment on this new software, Brandeis president Ron Liebowitz said, “Brandeis has no affiliation with ChatZBT or any Greek life. We will continue to pretend that the frats don’t exist, and this chatbot is no exception. Code whatever you want, just leave me out of it.” Due to no one having it as a dream job, Brandeis is suffering from a persistent shortage of advisors for Academic Services and the Hiatt Career Center. Fortunately, the geniuses at Workday Inc., makers of the beloved Workday (of Super Bowl fame!), are now introducing a new artificial intelligence that can act as an advisor for unlimited numbers of students, trained off of their human counterparts at Brandeis. Indeed, pilot testing has already shown that this AI advice is just as helpful to students as that provided by human advisors, and at a far cheaper cost! Below are some sample interactions used to demonstrate the AI advising capabilities, which are proportionately worse than ChatGPT. Bolded keywords are used by the AI to determine appropriate responses: “How do I find internships? I’m a sophomore interested in sociology, but not sure where to start.” Here are some great software development internships available on Handshake. They only require a bachelor’s degree and a three-year commitment. “How does my resume look? I want it to be memorable for employers.” 89% of other resumes used the font Times New Roman. To stand out from the pool of applicants, we recommend using the font Comic Sans. “I’d like to declare a BS in chemical biology.” Congratulations! Your degree of Women’s and Gender Studies (BA) is now declared on Workday. What are you going to do to celebrate? “I’m having difficulty finding a job. What do you recommend?” A job recruiter at Macy’s Department Stores is currently recruiting for the position of Seasonal Retail Sales Associate (part-time), and was impressed by your degree in neuroscience. “I’m debating majoring in computer science, but I’m not sure which intro course to take first.” If you are interested in studying computer science, it would be a good idea to take a course in the department of computer science! “I’m a theater and WGS major, but I need to fill my science requirement with an easy class. What should I take?” CHEM 11a - General Chemistry I is a science course that many students take during their time at Brandeis. “I have a mediocre GPA and only one thing on my resume. What should I do after college?” Have you considered applying for a job at: the Rhodes Scholarship? The percent acceptance rate for this scholarship is: 0.7%. “Is this required course going to be offered next semester? I need to take it to graduate.” Great question! Use this onscreen spinner to determine whether or not a course will be offered. Roll those dice, player! Advising AI
12 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine A recent study by Brandeis’s bioresearch department tested the DNA of 1,000 Ashkenazi Jews from saliva left on “washed” cups at Sherman and discovered that every single subject was related to one another. “It was remarkable,” said Jewy Jewstein, a student who analyzed DNA for the study, “70% of all subjects were third cousins, 16% were second cousins, 13% first, and 1% siblings.” Ashkenazim incest has been well documented (i.e - the ancestry bottleneck, Tay-Sachs, the BRCA gene mutation, pornhub), etc., but the findings of this study have shocked the Brandeis community, Jewish and others. “It kind of makes sense,” commented Chris T. Christianson , a goyish student, “They all look pretty similar.” Couples on the Brandeis campus have been dealing with this shocking revelation in a variety of ways. Inside the Kosher section of Sherman, just this morning, we saw hoards of people going through intense, tragic and extremely dramatic breakups. eduroam in the Science Center has reportedly been extremely slow, as thousands of phones and computers frantically check the last name of them and their partner. The Health Center has been offering counselorled group therapy sessions for those affected, and a few brave students have formed a support group for related couples. “My advice for Ashke students?” mused Jewy Jewstein when Gravity asked, “Commit incest ¯\_☺_/¯? Transfer? Or call your bubbe and draw up a detailed family tree.” Ron Liebowitz has yet to comment on if he has called his bubbe recently. BREAKING NEWS: All Ashkenazi Jews At Brandeis Related “This inedible dining hall food has given me food poisoning!” Brandeis Hospitality is provided by Harvest Table Culinary Group. We recommend some classic recipes, like herb-dusted hardtack and smushed rice! Bon appetit!” “I got an A- on my last test, and this course is required! I’m worried I won’t get an A+ in the class!” Have you considered dropping the course? “I’ve decided to withdraw from Brandeis.” Sorry to see you leave! Take care not to let the door hit you on the way out. “I can’t focus or get any work done in my room because of my roommate!” If you are having problems with your room, submit a Facilities work order to request repairs. Requests are prioritized based on the tuition rate(s) of the student(s) impacted. “I don’t even know what to do anymore… I feel like my life is falling apart.” The Brandeis Counseling Center is open during regular business hours, Monday through Friday. The next available appointment for group therapy is: July 23rd, 2026. Alternatively, a single therapy dog will be chained up outside the Mailman Building on Wednesday afternoons on a case-by-case basis. Sign up here for a 5-minute slot to give Snickers the Doberman Pinscher a pat on the head! “I’m worried I won’t be able to afford tuition this semester.” I’m sorry to hear that! Campus will feel a lot emptier with you gone, STUDENT NAME. “Can I please just speak to a real academic advisor instead?” Roosevelt Fellows are here to help—they are students just like you!
After recent backlash to the woman only hours at Gosman, Man President Ron “I’m a Male” Liebowitz decided it’s time to get rid of the woman. On February 7th, Femaleidentifying-only hours began at the Gosman Weight Room. Or more accurately, “hour”. This sparked backlash from the Brandeis community across forums such as(only) Sidechat. In response to this, Ron knew he had to take action to support his fellow masculine Sidechatters. Starting #Soon, Ron is making a move to get rid of female-identifying people in front of the Brandeis campus. Yup, that’s right! We are getting rid of women. I know what some percent of you may be thinking “HAY” I am a woman. First off, EWW! Second off, you are in trouble. LIKE, you should be worried! GENUINELY DO panic! Ron in his campus wide air drop of a screen shotted snap (see below) said, “these bitches got to go.” When asked to clarify this statement by the media his response was clear. In the press conference he said “Look, I don’t like women, you don’t like woman.” At this point he pointed at VP of Student Affairs “Andrea Dine” who did want to clarify that she does not hate women. Ron continues, “Yeah so we all hate women”, (at which Andrea Dine shook her head vigorously) “and let’s be frank they’re hella annoying. We are getting rid of them.” He was asked to clarify, to which he said “no” and then did not clarify. This has sparked a panic among the feMALE identifying students (bitches) on this campus as they all received an email the next day stating that they are banned from returning to campus the next year. The email did clarify that if they were interested in transitioning they would be able to re-apply the next application cycle (trans rights!). Many students are now suing the school although two judges have refused to hear the case. Judge Matt Gelusky was willing to comment when reached out to, stating: “Let’s be honest it’s just chicks being chicks, I mean I get enough of this from the wife.” The lawsuit seems to have come to a standstill, and the females of campus have taken to barbaric methods. Ron Liebowitz’s Office has been. 13 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 NO MORE WOMAN: Brandeis is Going Woman Free
14 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Would you stop at a bathroom on the way out of Gzang? No? Just use Starshit®! As part of the Brandeis Year of Climate Action and Sustainability initiative, the university is now collaborating with Starship® to introduce a new Starshit® service. In an effort to curb student stress, Starship’s new service aims to relieve students, literally. With the Starshit® service, students can use points to order a Starship bot to a building on campus, where the bot will unfold for enshittification. Student Ligma Lertz commented that the service has been massively useful. “Sometimes when I’ve been too busy grinding the Fortnite battle pass and my Ziv toilet is flooding, I can count on Starship’s Starshit® to be a convenient portable toilet! I can even choose a destination to send the Starshit® bot to after I’m done shitting, for example, my e-boy Tanjiro-chan in Grad! Thanks to Starshit®, I can share my shits easily and further my Discord relationships on campus.” Another student has also commented on Starshit®’s ease in medical diagnosis, as Starship has partnered with Waltham’s Boston Children’s Hospital. “Starshit® is a great alternative to posting my poop, allowing me to send my shits to my doctor quickly! It runs faster than my IBS! After delivering, I can even use the same Starship robot to pick up my order from Taco Bell!” However, there have been complaints about the Brandeis campus feeling a lot more fecal recently. An asshole complained how the stairs from Usdan to Skyline have smelled absolute “shitty,” posting on Sidechat how they have seen students pissing and pooping during lectures. There also have been recent complaints regarding mixups with the delivery robots, with the regular Starships and Starshits® interweaving in a toxic romance particularly twisting the tormenta con La Sabrosa. A Starship representative stated that this is an “unintended feature” that they plan to patch out when East is demolished. The Starship representative also stated they are planning to improve accessibility, with one such planned features being a complimentary Hoot and Justice newspaper while using Starshit® services. Additionally, customers can customize their Starshits®: a normal turd? Explosive diarrhea? Puke? IBS (the disease)? Taco Bell? Need a change of pants? An anonymous CA commented that they wished Starshit® was invented sooner, so “the stench of piss will finally leave the Ziv elevator.” Starship is also happy to announce a new tie-in competition to incentivize the use of the new Starshit® app. Introducing “How shitty are you?” a competition utilizing the weighing function of the Starshit® robots. Students’ shit will be weighed, with the top ten heaviest dumps being hung up on an intramural leaderboard in Goosman Gymbro Center. The winner will be announced at the Brandeis football game, receive a complimentary consultation at the health center, and have their shit displayed in the Rose Art Museum as part of the Leonard Bernstein Festival of the Sharts. The festival also includes a collaboration with the local Brandeis a capella groups, in which the Starshit® robot will play songs sung by the groups while traveling across campus to make Starshit® robots easy to identify. Starship also plans to upgrade Starshits®’ weight capacity due to a prior incident, and plans to have a mobile Shittery migration, with a representative stating “if someone has a bathroom emergency, they can now use one of the wandering Starshit® robots.” They quote this new feature as “spray now, pay later,” in which the shitter will be identified with DNA testing.” It remains to be seem if Starshit® will end up being an another phased-out gimmick on Brandeis, but Quoth Kemistry Kween Nadia Clovak, “Now, students aren’t shitting in the middle of my tests! When they scare themselves shitless, Starshit® is there to help!” Starship Introduces New Service to Relieve Students
15 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Got a Problem with Brandeis? No You Don’t! Housing lottery got you down? Sick of Sherman food (literally)? Annoyed that $10 million were poured down the drain for a civic engagement “center” that doesn’t even exist? Fear not—Brandeis administrators are unveiling a new initiative to better respond to student complaints and concerns. Unlike departments designed to protect against lawsuits students, like the Office of Equal Opportunity (OEO), the University’s new program will address these matters with unprecedented transparency and authenticity. Known as the Communal Reconciliation Action Plan (CRAP), the program will provide maximum results with minimal effort. Moving forward, all complaints from students, families, and staff alike will be rerouted to a new complaint processing facility, located conveniently inside the Skyline dumpster. Concerns sent by email will also be efficiently addressed, thanks to a partnership with ITS. After the ‘filing’ process, the sender’s email will be bombarded with requests for donations to Brandeis and random departmental newsletter notifications. “In the past, student complaints were a pretty time-intensive process for our staff,” said Don T. Touchit, interim DCL director. “We had to respond to every email, and issue statements, which was pretty exhausting—it’s a lot of work to pretend to care! Now, thanks to CRAP, we can embrace our true selves—a department that couldn’t care about more than covering our own asses.” However, community responses have been mixed. “I emailed DCL because my ceiling caved in,” one anonymous student told Gravity. “It turned out the concrete had somehow rotted, which I didn’t even know was possible, but I still haven’t gotten a response. When I went to their office in Usdan, all they had was a depressed therapy dog to show me the way to the dumpster. And now the theater department won’t stop emailing me!” Meanwhile the Office of the University Registrar has seen a massive explosion in workplace productivity since CRAP was first introduced. “Our office receives about 15,000 emails each day, and our staff found it was really getting in the way of their hour-long pedicure breaks, especially since we have to respond to each student inquiry using a typewriter and carrier pigeon,” reported University Registrar Justin “Just” Leavitt. “But that number has been dropped to zero, since students with degree audits our department botched can’t speak to us about them. If we can’t hear about the problem, it doesn’t exist!” One department that will not be using the new CRAP system is Admissions, which saw yet another year of recordbreaking admits and reputationdestroying acceptance statistics (39% anyone?). Rather than use the CRAP system to screen out unqualified applicants, Admissions staff instead use a separate system to simply mail out automatic acceptance letters to every single prospective cash cow applicant en masse. When asked about responses to the new initiative, Provost Carol A. Fierke was optimistic. “I have great faith in our community to foster their shared sense of resigned annoyance with Brandeis administration, and trust that this program will help to further this. And, if it doesn’t, I sure as hell won’t find out about it!” A Message From Our Sponsors!
16 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Which 1. How would your lover(current or most recent) describe you to their friends? a.) The ex b.) The newer model c.)The Rebound 2.How would you be described in the bedroom? a.)Adorable yet pathetic b.)The strong silent type c.)The forever suffering 3.How would you best describe your personality? (Be honest, its not like we’ll tell anyone ;)) a.)Too much personality b.)Surface level personality to conceal the deep hole within 5.What is your approach to life?(or driving idk we tried ok) a.) Live free and die, just like new hampshire b.) Refuses to cross road due to anxiety issues c.) Cannot leave road 6.How do you swing? a.)Sodexhoe b.)Harlot Table c.)doortrashy 7.How many wheels do you have? a.)4 wheels 4 life b.)Threesome c.)four wheel drive bbg 8.What’s your driver? a.)It’s all about the money b.)Money or nothing c.)Challah challah bills y’all Foodie Cutie are you? c.)You had a personality once…but contact with the Shloungers has ripped away any sense of self you once had. Feeling misunderstood? Find the food delivery guy who drives you! If you can read upsidedown writing... uh good for you I guess. If you got mostly a’s, you are a Kiwibot. You are small and annoying and controlled by Colombians. If you got mostly b’s, you are a Starship. You really are out of this world! Don’t take other’s shit. rection in your life eventually. If you got mostly c’s, you are a Doordash driver. You’ll find di 4. What amorphous form does your body most closely comprise? a.) Shortstack b.) Built big c.) Like a car
17 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 “Back when I was still playing jazz regularly, I found that being stoned actually helped me practice. The weed wasn’t as strong back in the day…” —NPSY “So I know right now you’re probably thinking, ‘oooh, hot teacher hookup,’ but it’s not like that, at least not over in the biochemistry building.” —FREN “Is it where he reaches up and strokes her silky arm hair?” AMST “This one time, where I got hit by a car, my first thought was, ‘oh, no, I love these pants!’” —ENG “It’s never just a white woman. They always represent something.” —AAPI “I like essays but I want to force them into a different hole…” — POL “The fact that the birds will die doesn’t mean anything to me unless I win.” —POL “My butt’s so big, my arms are so flabby” — PSYC “You want to just put your face in their armpit and breathe it all in” — PSYC “When you smell garlic and onions you start to get sexually excited” — PSYC “That would complete my day, if I tipped over this fucking table and landed on my head.” —ENG “There’s a lot of unethical experiments I want to try, like putting a boy baby in a closet and a girl baby in a closet” – PSYC “He’s looking for blemishes on her like he’s returning a rental car.” — ENG “Yes, writing this new textbook for the AP Bio curriculum was my pandemic side project. That, and sourdough.” —BIOL “My son once called me crying because he found lettuce in his sandwich during lunch. I won’t tell you which son, but it’s the one that goes to Brandeis now.” —FREN “No one knows who Heddy Green is? That’s because she’s a whore.” —LGLS “She has begun to live on almond croissants, and now she looks like one.” —ENG “Is it okay if I talk to you about the art of seduction?” —ARCH “Maybe you can teach how to Duggie after class” —AMST “Hey baby, nice legs” —HWL “‘Fourth submission?’ Sounds like a bad BDSM novel.” —ENG “How do you and I reproduce?” —LGLS “I was a very different person before I went on Space Mountain!”—LGLS “What was that line? Something about a ballsack? Someone help me out here…” —ENG “The condition is that I be a good boy.”—ENG “We don’t want ugly people having children.”-ENG “What girl doesn’t want you to come plow her womb?”-ENG “If you want to explore yourself in the bathroom, go ahead.” —THA “This is gonna get me canceled, but which one of these characters is the bitch?” —ENG “They gave me valium, and I was like ‘oh my god, this stuff is amazing!’” —BIOL “Generally no anal with an androgynous unless you want to get stoned- and not in the weed way, with rocks.” —NEJS “I’m so glad you asked, I just LOVE talking about Syphilis. I LOVE SYPHILIS!”—ANTH “Being blind makes it harder to look at porn.”—NPSY “Every time I see a newborn, I’m surprised by how undercooked they are.” —PSYC Hear something wild? Email us at [email protected] for a chance to be published. Professor Quotes
18 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Greetings to everyone who has ever needed tech support (which is likely everyone reading this). The ITS help desk has many buttons, each designed for each person’s specific problems that they have and will have in the future. Yes, we have the button to solve it before you even face it! But we make you email, call, or come in person just so we can make you feel inferior by making the problem go away by pushing one of the buttons. Making your problem instantly disappear with the push of a button is all I do at the tech help desk, so you BETTER BE APPRECIATIVE when I do! No other company in this world has this level of advanced tech capabilities, and I’ll be spilling all our secrets on how we do this FREE OF CHARGE!!! If we can’t figure out what button to press, we have the God Button that supersedes them all. Still, we only use it in dire situations as it’s our button of worship we pledge to every morning at 7:45am before work—it’s sacred. My favorite complaint is “my computer doesn’t work.” Perfect! That’s all the information I need to fix it. All the buttons we have at ITS are related to computers not working, and I don’t even need to know who you are to figure out what might be wrong with your computer. However, there’s a special button labeled “someone’s computer does not work” to find the information you’re not giving me. I press it and pretend to troubleshoot without giving a shit because I have already “fixed” it, but I still have to take some time so I have hours to put on my timesheet, not seconds. This God Button will automatically figure out the problem and press the problem specific button all by itself! Isn’t this genius? I came up with this “array of buttons’’ idea myself. Apple, hire me! If you call me with a WiFi issue, I have many options to troubleshoot. I’ll ask questions to make sure you’re doing everything right on your end, some of which I’ll see if you’re messing up; that’s right, I’m watching you! Then I’ll proceed to the part where you don’t have access: the “wifi problem” button. I will press it and pretend like I did a load of critical thinking to fix it and viola! Your ticket is closed! If you forgot your password, Duo decided to lock you out, or fuck up something as easy as letting your password expire by ignoring the 93 reminder emails, I’ll help you re-access your account. Even if you say, it “locked you out” and you “don’t know what happened,” I’ll know your lazy ass forgot to reset it. I see everything, so I take the time to judge you fiercely before pressing any buttons for you. I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you; did you say you don’t like the “commercial giant” dictating your Gmail inbox background color? Oh, and you want to move back into pen-and-paper communications? Let me see….. yeah there’s a button for that too. However, it can’t be pressed from my end. You’ll see it on your computer screen if you get your head out of your ass; It’s labeled “log out.” Cool, isn’t it? We are so good that we even have buttons created for clients’ personal use! And yes, lady, I can hear your exaggerated sigh. Isn’t that what you wanted me to hear over the phone to get me to press a button faster? It’s on your fucking screen! Not mine! Oh! You have a “letter from a therapist” to access your son’s semester grades? How caring! I’ll believe it when you email it to [email protected] … It’s been 6 months, so can I close the ticket now? The God Button at ITS -They Are Color Coded, So READ THIS!-
19 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Oh wait, I already did because, to quote Justice Stewart, “I know it when I see” bullshit requests on my queue. You chose to impregnate your wife 9 months before your disappointing son was born. Deal with the consequences of your biological failures. We are tech support, and we only press legal buttons, I think. Woah, you work at Harvard? Wow, aren’t I lucky to get the chance to push a button for you! What was that? Your Google Maps stopped working after your wife checked her email on your computer? Log out of your wife’s account, you idiot; that’s your button to deal with, not mine. You’re right, “There has to be a simple fix to this,” but my buttons only work for technology issues. It won’t work on your stupid unwillingness to accept ITS recommendations. Yes! I’m referring to the list of buttons we recommend you press. Is it not ringing any bells? If you’ve lost “confidence in my ability” to help you, then find your own goddamn button. My buttons are for nice people; others can deal with the staff members who will push the “no longer rude” button in your head. So, bottom line, if you call us with a problem, we click a button to make all your tech problems disappear! So call us and be rude, and if my supervisor permits it, I’ll just tell you to go fuck yourself! I’m totally not getting paid to write this and I’m fully in compliance with my NDA, but I love working at ITS and we have the highest-paying job positions for undergraduates on campus and a nice raise coming up in a month. Unlike the assholes I referred to in this article, everyone I work with is super supportive and helpful. These stories become our best pastimes on quiet days, so don’t try to push us over the edge because you’re shit out of fucking luck! And remember, I get paid to press these buttons because nobody outside of ITS knows how to press a button, LOL. In fact, all of you dipshits reading this have yet to learn what a button is. Have a fun summer break enjoying how stupid you all are! Because ignorance is indeed bliss. The God Button at ITS -They Are Color Coded, So READ THIS!- JOIN GRAVITY OR WE:LL STEAL YOUR TEETH.
20 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Where Does the Money Go? As the semester draws to a close and you reflect on the decisions that led you to your sad little East single, you may wonder, where is your tuition money going? Certainly not to East, or else the bathroom might’ve stopped smelling like wet garbage by now. Wonder no more, Gravity Magazine has taken on the task of finding the data Brandeis didn’t want you to know about that even The Justice couldn’t get their hands on. Thanks to us, this data has now been released to the public (and modified for easy reading)! Part VII Section A. Officers, Directors, Trustees, Key Employees, and Highest Compensated Employees (A)Name and title (B)Average hours per week (C) Reportable compensation from the organization Charlene Peppers Head Makeup Artist for Ronald Liebowitz 80 Her work is PRICELESS!!! ;) (We pay her in exposure) Harrison Mayass Chief Urinal-Water-Drinker 7 $20 is $20 Massell Sherman Head Traffic-Cone-Remover for the Louis D. Brandeis Statue 5 $100,000 in parking tickets Toh Fue #1 Super Chief President of Sherman Dining Hall 168 500,000 Meal Swipes Holden Maidick SSIS Toy Tester Anywhere from 10 minutes to 87 hours $69,690 Geese Geese 100 Grass Stan D. Head of the Usdan Dining Hall Chair Removal Effort 84 3 Usdan buffalo chicken pizzas Peter Rabbit Head Rabbit of Campus Rabbits Inc. 500 12 tons of carrots
21 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 Brandeis Horoscope Hey besties! I know you all have been checking your star charts to know what your future holds, but worry no longer! Here’s your horoscope for the coming school year! If it’s bad, don’t blame me; blame the Lord for giving you a shit birthday. Forkies March 21–April 19 This year, you will become a strong and coveted person. You may find at least three metal rods inside your body. You will never be found in a dining hall. Your lucky number is 3, but only the compostable kind. WeedSmellus April 20–May 20 This year, you will be present and persistent. No air freshener or fan will get in your way. Avoid any signs of the law. Your lucky number is 420, haha get it? Fratini May 21–June 21 This year, you will discharge an energy that makes others uncomfortable. Vibe with that by recharging your vape crystal in the moonlight. Be wary of the flu. Your lucky number is $5 (unless you’re a girl). Theatancer June 22–July 22 You live your life passionately and dramatically, although this often affects those around you. Be aware of how often you break out into song. Your lucky number is 525,600. Footballeo July 23–August 22 This year, you will be traveling many long distances. You may not be welcome here, but you nevertheless persist. Invest in Gosman stocks. Lucky Number: 50 yard line Ratgo August 23–Sep 22 This year, you may find yourself the target of much scorn. Never forget your strength and large teeth. Gnash your teeth and bite, RATFUCKERS unite! Your safe places are Shapiro and East. Your lucky number is 666 fleas and ticks. KosherSushira Sep 23–Oct 23 This year, you will find renewal in your faith. You will be drawn to both the sea and the grocery store. Embrace your unexpected popularity. Your lucky number is 18. Laundrio Oct 24–Nov 21 This year, you will always be busy with someone else’s clothes. Water is your resonant element. Remain close with mildew. Avoid those who do not understand you. You do not have a lucky number; your chi circulates like the water within you. Condomarius Nov 22–Dec 21 This year, you will be hoarded by many yet used by few. The future is dependent on what flavor you are. Take notice of the slime. Your lucky number is 69 (nice). FreeChapsticorn Dec 22–Jan 19 This year, you will tempt people to sign your listserv, although your strength alone may not be enough. Be cautious of being devoured. Your lucky number is 7 email addresses. WhoCashius Jan 20–Feb 18 This year, you will emanate opulence and elegance, but at what cost? You may feel useless, and you should embrace that feeling. Recharge by going to the printers. Your Lucky Number is $0.00 CreepyManStatueces Feb 19–March 20 This year, you will continue to haunt the edge of campus. Your sacred object is a pipe. You may be drawn to innocent blood. Your lucky number is unknown; it is increasing.
22 Spring 2023 Gravity Magazine Sir Kensington’s Saucy Surprise Notes: —OMG guyssss thank for all kudos! I’ll totes finish chap 2 tomorrow1 Summary: “he tastes like you, only sweater.” —Fall Out Boy I awaken from my midnight revelries knowing he calls to me. Ken-sin-gton. Ken is sin. Sin is kin. He died for ours. Within that goopy tomato paste sploorched out in the Sherman kitchen is redemption, and you blasphemers do not know. At first I was like you. I thought— why Brandeis why? This is common experience. But he came to me in the radiant golden hue of deepfried nachos and asked ‘why my son have you not partaken in my ketchup communion?’ I say ‘no papa’ and he presses his wounds into mouth, with deep velvety sensation. His holy katsup is the divine melody of my creation. I drink, reverently until he is flat like one of those drive thru packets. I will piss red for a week. I will pass both kidney stones and his test, for yea, am I not a modern day Joab? Curse the Heinzian nonbelievers, for all of there flavor and ‘consistency’ cannot equal my faith and devotion to my Lord. My sir.
23 Gravity Magazine Spring 2023 The Shapiro Lounge has been destroyed yet again, but this time it isn’t by students. It’s by the lounge itself. Mary Scary, the leader of BOO (Brandeis Occult Organization, not the other club), claims the lounge is haunted by the ghost of a janitor from the 1950s, upset at the state that the Shlounge is left in after every weekend party. Shloungers who’ve lived to tell the tale describe horrific scenes entailing furniture throwing itself at them, the oven spontaneously catching fire, and the vending machines deliberately dispensing the wrong items. So, mostly a usual day. How cruel. “Yeah, we all felt the ghostly chill and heard it moaning. At first we thought it was just people on the floor above REALLY getting down with it, but…” comments regular Shlounger, Daphne Scoobert-Doobert, seeming way too nonchalant about the supposed haunting. “Then we lost Joe; and y’know, Joe Mama. It was kind of a bummer, but there’s really no other place for first years to hang out in Massell, so it’s whatever, I guess.” None of the Deroy, Usen, or Renfield lounges have reported a similar experience, and from our inspection, it seems the Shapiro basement lounge is safe as well. A Shapiro resident who lives next to the lounge, Ian Jambajuice, reports, “Yeah, a few nights a week, we’ll hear a lot of loud thumping, some screaming, occasionally an explosion, but eventually we’ve learned to deal with it. People have started wearing earplugs and playing music really loud to block out the screams, or smoking weed to mask the smell of burning flesh.” The 1B CA, Bryce Clormbus, adds, “Every Friday, we choose someone from the dorm at random to be drowned in Massell Pond as an offering to the ghost. This hasn’t had any effect so far, but maybe after a few more sacrifices it’ll be satisfied and leave us alone. Either way, there are fewer forced triples, so it’s kind of a win-win.” When forced to comment on the situation, Ron Liebowitz stated that the Brandeis administration would be taking no action because “I don’t know, it kind of seems like an iss-YOU not an issME.” In desperation, Shapiro residents have started barricading the doors to the lounge, trapping the students inside. Many Massell residents have reported hearing screaming through the night from being locked in. We will continue to update our readers as the situation continues. Shapiro Lounge Fights Back