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Spring 2020 issue of Brandeis' Gravity Magazine.

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Published by Gravity Magazine, 2021-03-01 19:06:03

Gravity (Spring 2020)

Spring 2020 issue of Brandeis' Gravity Magazine.

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Table of Contents

Letter from the Editor 3 Gravity was founded in
In Response to Brandeis Confessions 4 1990 by Noel Rappin
Best Times to Write That Essay Due Tomorrow 5 ‘93, Mathew Cohen ‘93,
Guy From High School Who Never Left Your Home Town 5 and Jason Schneider ‘93.
Opinion: Remove Stigma on Adult Diapers 6 All content © 2020 to
Protest Application 7 its respective creators.
1% Monopolizing Weirdness 8 Gravity retains the right
Opinion: I Want Joaquin Phoenix to Raw Me 9 to reprint all content,
Health Center to Offer Euthenasia 9 including electronic
Furries to Replace Therapy Dogs 10 reproductions. Violators
Only Guy in Gender Studies Class 11 will be violated.
Professor Quotes 12 Corrections: The “Top
Top Ten Way to Avoid Being Called On 14 Ten Students” and
Opinion: Men Need to Shave Their Armpits 15 “Bottom Ten Students”
Simp My Crib 15 were supposed to be
Safety Data Sheet: Gordon’s Vodka 16 titled “Top Ten Bottom
The Brandeis Diet 17 Students” and “Bottom
Study Reveals Best Place to Sit and Chat 18 Ten Top Students.”
Ten Factor Authorization 19
Why Don’t You Do Some Handicrafts 20
Dollar Shave Club 21

STAFF

Kevin Dardik Editor-in-Chief Naomi Cohen Contributor
Abigael Good Editor-in-Chief Lizzy Freeman Contributor
Noah Somberg Eva Hartigan Contributor
Mark Gimbel Some Dude Jess Rips Contributor
Maddie Scranton idk Harvey Suguichi Contributor
Tenor Matys Contributor
Hot Takes Editor Josh Rotenberg Contributor
Alessandra Flores Contributor

2

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Letter From the Edditor

Hello all,

My name is Kevin Dardik and I have been editor-in-chief of Gravity for the past seven
semesters. I am personally responsible for every piece of drivel, every typos, every single
obscene word, printed in this magazine for that time. Yes, three and a half years is a stupidly
long time to lead a club. Also, I realize the irony that an originally all-print publication must
now move entirely online due to the pandemic, because previously we had a really horrible
online presence. Speaking of which, the pandemic is really fucking wierd. Unless you’re a
senior like me, you do not know a Gravity Magazine led by anyone other than me. That’s
good, because holy shit are we bad. And if you are a senior, it’s doubly bad because you’re
getting thrown into the “real world” (non-academia) at a historically awful time. Don’t worry, I
understand. Because I’m going through literally the same thing. But whatever. This is the only
serious piece ever published by Gravity, and so I’d like to take a serious look back. I began with
like three other editors who had almost as little an idea of how to lead as I did. I like to think we
ended up alright, but we received a couple pieces of hate mail last semester, so idk. By the way,
last semester I really expected that if we received any bad press it would be because we straight
up called President Liebowitz a bitch, but it was just because we put some students at the
bottom of the page, instead of the top. Well, whatever, I’m sure Abi (the new Editor-in-Chief
for you uncultured fucks) will do better, because I set a hell of a low bar.

I don’t know where I’m going with this, but then again, I never did, and neither did anyone else
at gravity.

So yea. Goodbye. I will genuinely miss this magazine.

Kevin Dardik

PS: I want to tell the story of how I joined Gravity. At the club fair freshman year, I walked by
the table, and the editors at the time asked if I liked to write. I answered “fuck no.” They said
“perfect,” and that was enough to convince me. It worked, didn’t it?

3

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

In Response to Brandeis Confessions

Dear valued member of our community,
Here at Gravity, we have always prided ourselves on being sensitive and level-headed adults
who don’t make weed jokes for the entire meeting. For this reason, we take this allegation
very seriously. We take it so seriously that we all very sadly said “rip” to each other when we
saw it. That is how much we value your input, anonymous Brandeis Confessions 2: Electric
Boooogaloo contributor.
Here at Gravity, we respect our readers (all eight of them), and have never made fun of them on
purpose, we legit promise. We, personally, would never use our hard-earned Allocations funds to
purposefully publish anything that could be termed “mean.”
Therefore, in light of this extremely concerning accusation, we have pledged to take action. We
will immediately be forming a committee to put together a taskforce to begin to think about
addressing this problem. This process should take no more than one to fourteen years, and will
begin immediately (“immediatley” being a relative term which has no meaning). Rest assured,
we have put our best people on this problem. Unfortunately, Gravity is made up of only the
worst people, so that effectively means no one is on this problem.
We are also composing a rap diss track in response.
Insincerely,
Gravity

4

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Best Times to Write at Essay Due Tomorrow

The best time to start the The fifth best time to write the the essay is the morning it’s
essay that’s due tomorrow was essay is Friday night, when all due. You’ll totally have time to
two weeks ago, when it was your friends are busy and your do it if you wake up early. No
assigned. The second best roommate is hanging out with I’m not giving you bad advice,
time is never. The third best their friends, so you’re sitting how could you ask me that?
time is leap day, because that’s in your dim, stuffy room, You’ll definitely wake up and
a free day. C’mon, you have exhausted even though it’s too be productive if you set your
plans for leap day? How? It’s early to go to sleep, scrolling alarm a few hours earlier than
fake. It’s fake time. It doesn’t blankly through inane tweets usual. In fact, it’s the sixth best
count. without processing a word, time to do it.
The fourth best time to write vaguely restless and, honestly, The final best time to write
the essay was at the dawn a little sad, and you kinda the essay is when you’ve slept
of time. If you were more miss your best friend from through your seven alarms
proactive, you wouldn’t high school but wouldn’t and have class in 24 minutes.
be in this situation. You’re know what to say if you texted
a disappointment to your them.
mother. The sixth best time to write

Guy from Highschool Wants to “Chill Later”

That dude from your whatever sport he played, a 3rd DUI charge on the way
highschool that you’ve drifted broken table, the stench of to Taco Bell. All of these
apart from and who still lives loneliness, and a “sick stereo activities will be paired with
with his parents wants to system.” The empty bong is stories about the newest milf
“catch up” and “chill later.” compensated for by a fully he met on Bumble.
When inquired about his stocked fridge of Miller You have politely declined to
living situation, he stated Lite. Reportedly, the town is attend, but will find yourself
that the situation was “totally experiencing a “dry spell.” reconsidering when you
cool, because I live in the Options for activities realize how bored you are
basement. My parents don’t include: getting shitfaced at 9:00 p.m. on a Saturday
even care what I do down and stumbling around in the during winter break. He will
here. I basically have my own woods, getting shitfaced and be your DoorDash driver the
place.” watching Youtube videos next day.
The basement features of dirt-bike accidents, and
high-school medals from accompanying him for his

5

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Opinion: Adult Diapers Should Be Socially Accepted

There is a particular social around 49 hours per year with you are better than astronauts
justice issue that everyone is too this method. Long car rides, and doctors?
scared to talk about. I’m not, tests, and days out suddenly The time to change our culture
though. I have a small bladder cleared of pesky interruption. is now.
and I am proud. I am baffled that diapers have Adult diapers 2020.
With this affliction, I find myself historically been marketing
in constant need of a public or only towards babies and senior
private bathroom, constantly citizens. What in their busy
interrupting my day. At every retired day is stopping a senior
turn, instead of fun adventures citizen from taking a minute to
or spontaneity, I am instead use the restroom? What about
staring at the feces-stained walls the silent majority? I should
of a porta-potty. be seeing holographic, multi-
I propose adult diapers. colored, size-inclusive diapers
catered to young adults!

I have done the math and an Astronauts use them. Doctors
average person would save use them. What makes you think

6

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

O cial Brandeis University Protest Approval Form

Title of your protest: Protest against the immoral new university protest

policy
Purpose of your protest: To protest the immoral new university

protest policy
Time of your protest (MUST NOT BE DURING CLASS HOURS, 8 AM to 9
PM, M-F):
When you least expect it
Location of your protest (Please choose from the following pre-approved
locations):
☐ Usdan bathroom
☐ Shapiro Residential Hall Basement
☐ Carl J. and Ruth Shapiro Sex Dungeon
☐ at Smoking Rock
☐ Hannaford
☐ Inside the BranVan (please make a reservation for your entire group)
☐ East Residential Hall (get fucked)
☐ BCC ( e BCC will be closed for your protest)
Are you protesting as a public demonstration of your moral superiority?
☐ Yes
☐ Also yes
Please select from the following administrators whom you would like to
respond to your protest with a campus-wide passive aggressive email:
☐ Ronald Liebowitz (University president)
☐ Lisa M. Lynch (University provost)
☐ Jamele Adams (Dean of students)
☐ Sam Hornstein (Administrator of Brandeis Confessions)
☐ Other Josh (not the Josh you’re thinking of… no, not that one either)
Under which article of the Constitution of the Elders of Zion is your
organization chartered? Abolition of the Constitution; Rise of the

Autocracy
What’s the magic word? XXD: Pussy hands

7

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

1% of Brandeis Students Contribute 90% of All Weirdness

Waltham, MA—Presidential whole system is rigged! I am The only way to address
Candidate Bernie Sanders once again asking for your this horrific injustice is to
recently visited Brandeis, support in reading this piece. redistribute the weirdness.
holding a rally ahead of his It’s a fact, the top 1% weirdest Students who don’t meow
bid for the White House Brandeis students contribute at their roommates will now
this November. Coinciding 90% of all weirdness at be required to meow at their
with his visit, we present an Brandeis University. roommates. Students will be
exposé about a gross injustice The international metric made to strike up a random
uncovered here at Brandeis. unit of weirdness is the Jared conversation with Waltham
Note that this story is an active Leto. Our analysis shows townies, and unicycles will be
investigation, and facts are that several students possess given to every student!
still developing. Please, for the billions of Letos, while others Make Brandeis weird again!
best results, and for the sake may make only 7.25 Letos
of journalistic integrity, read per hour. At these rates, it
this article in a thick Brooklyn would take one student almost
accent. 16,000 hours to produce that
The system is rigged. The amount of weirdness.

8

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Opinion: I Want Joaquin Phoenix to Raw Me

Look, I don’t even think he’s of my beautiful little 45 year incredible emotional intelligence
hot. I don’t! I don’t know what old baby. He might not be like, and for that reason I find him
it is about that guy. And don’t hot, hot, but I know he has the hot.
start talking about how I’m emotional depth and acting Also his partner, Rooney Mara,
attracted to the Joker, I’m not! range that makes him hot. is hot. I want to throuple up
Fuckin’ uncultered ass. I’m Like his role in Her where he their couple, if you know what I
talkin Inherent Vice, Her, Sisters played a homely pathetic single mean. If, perchance, the both of
Brothers, The Village, Signs! I man…and his role in Gladiator you are reading this, and want to
know Joaquin Phoenix. Not like, where he plays a pathetic single hang out this Thursday, I would
personally, but I know enough to emperor...and his role in Signs be free. Just call me, on this
know I want him to raw me. Full where he plays a pathetic single Thursday, again, when I happen
on, baby rotisserie chicken, raw failed minor-league baseball to be free.
raw me. Raw dog, then I’ll put player...and his role in Joker
it on my blog. I want to see his where he plays a pathetic single
microform cleft lip tremble with murderer. He has the range!
anticipation. Every single project he takes on
And while we’re here, FUCK is so different...and he still shines
Wendy Williams for making fun through in each. He has shown

Health Center to O er Euthenasia

Last Thursday, the Brandeis then I realized that these kids this rate, I’ll never become
University Health Center have serious problems. A girl part of the 1%. When I
announced that it is talked about how she got a B- checked the Internet to see
implementing euthanasia for on an Orgo Midterm, another why I coughed, I learned that
any Brandeis students who one explained how he had to I have the Coronavirus. At
sign up. In opposition to any take an unpaid internship. I least nobody else will catch my
dissenting voices, the center realized that our students have disease,” she said as her fake
upheld its right to end any problems and unfortunately eyelashes dripped off.
student’s life. Top Gravity are doomed to mediocrity. I Although the concept of
reporters flocked to the site to mean, didn’t Tufts rejecting death is always controversial,
learn how Brandeis’ nurses felt them indicate that their there is a silver lining to the
about this development. futures are dark?” new program. Due to the
“At first I thought, ‘youth in annihilation of the entire
Asia, aren’t they the same McKarty Schmultz weighed student body, the BCC will
as our youth?’” said Nurse in on the topic while walking now have open therapy
Kaitlynn Smithberg while in for some Ritalin. “I’ve sessions by the year 2022.
smoking a Marlboro. “But applied to 80 internships and
I’ve received 10 rejections. At

9

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

erapy Dogs Replaced with On-Campus Furries

Waltham, MA—The Brandeis by the introduction of Therapy the activist group, who wishes
Counseling Center has Furries, remarking that Harvey to remain anonymous said, “I
announced a new therapy option and Lily were the “only reasons don’t think we should be so mean
for students who seek alternatives I decided not to transfer from to furries, you never know who
from traditional therapy: furries Brandeis.” might be one around you.” After
enrolled at Brandeis University Students are not the only concluding the interview, the
will now replace therapy dogs. community members concerned student proceeded to yiff out the
In an interview with Julia with the BCC’s new policy. “This door when leaving.
Loewenthal, owner of former is insane, I’m out of a job!” The official position is now open
therapy dog Harvey, she says, said Lily the Labradoodle in an on Workday and students are
“We’re really excited about this interview with Gravity Magazine. “welcome to join”* according to
new program. We are grateful “How the hell am I supposed to the BCC.
to provide further resources feed the kids?”
to students on campus and In response to the outrage from *This invitation is not supported by
connect furries to the rest of the some Brandeisians, a new group, Gravity Magazine.
community.” The announcement Furries at Brandeis, have begun
has garnered mixed reviews from mobilizing around destigmatizing
the Brandeis community. One Therapy Furries. A student from
student, Josh Josherson, is angered

10

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Only Guy in Gender Studies Class Wonders When He Will
Get His Brownie Points

This past Monday, Mike her parents who never with me?”
Weinberg ’23 stormed loved her quite enough). Independent research
into the Gravity Magazine Also, despite having a conducted by Gravity
office in tears. Confused modest 300 followers, Magazine revealed that
about why he was in the she is a public figure Miriam has a long history
office in the first place, a with a verified Instagram of exclusively dating
Gravity followed and had account. Weinberg loves women. But Weinberg
the chance to conduct an to view her story because would hear none of it.
interview with Weinberg. “she posts very thought- “WHAT IS IT THAT
Weinberg is currently provoking things about WOMEN HAVE THAT
taking a class in the intersectional feminism.” I DON’T? I AM THE
gender studies department When asked for a specific MOST WOKE PERSON
called “Non-binary example, Weinberg I KNOW!”
trans lesbian vegans in muttered something in He proceeded to scream
ancient Middle-Earth.” Yiddish and shrugged. incoherently.
After exclaiming how Considering that Yiddish
unique and intellectually consists solely of swear
stimulating the class is, he words, that response could
revealed that he signed not have been good.
up for the class so that Nonetheless, Weinberg
his classmate, Miriam insists that Miriam should
Jewstein ’21, would notice agree to go out with
him. him “any day now,” as
For those of you who the other day, they had
don’t know Miriam, she a long intense in-class
is a super cool girl. She debate about “something
cut her hair very short something gender” the
and dyed it green last fall other day.
to stand in solidarity with “I am such a nice guy,”
the climate march (and said Weinberg. “Why
totally not to rebel against doesn’t she want to go out

11

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Professor Quotes

“Sorry, ask me the question again. “Europe, that’s a nice country. We “You still have a chance, leave this
I got distracted by being angry.” — beat them in the second world war.” class.” —COSI
NEJS —CLAS “At least we know he’s gone through
“People don’t write poetry about “I’m technically in a heterosexual puberty. at is an excellent
our rulers anymore. First of all, marriage, even though half the characteristic in a mate.” —UWS
because our rulers suck.” —NEJS time I think of Jesus as a woman.” “I used to go on digs. Now I spend
“Schools are great because you’ve —ENG most of my time on whatsapp.”—
got the kids trapped and can bring “Sermon literature is so full of ANTH
your researcher in to watch.” — smut, it’s amazing.” —ENG “One solution is to send all the
ANTH “If I did magical herbs would I be redundant women to Australia. As
“Not that heterosexuality is wrong! teaching at Brandeis?” —CLAS you do.”—ENG
It’s great, you know, for people who “When you introduce someone “Russian history used to be a huge
like it.” —ANTH of another species as your spouse, thing to study, but since the fall of
“Green M&Ms count as vegetables.” there will be repercussions.” — the Soviet Union these guys are
—CLAS CLAS stuck teaching driver’s ed.”—HIST

“No one is asking about the sex “ e only thing we know about “ e registrar and the parking lot,
lives of hetero couples, even though him, besides a fondness for snake- those are my enemies.”—NEJS
they are probably having legal whacking that I nd peculiar…” “We need to do experiments! We
problems.” —NEJS —CLAS need to see the urination! Sorry, I
“ ere’s no sex anywhere! ere’s “Come in, slam-bam and thank you always get in trouble for things I say
no holy weird sex stu here!” — ma’am, turn her into a heifer and in this class.”—NEJS
NEJS go.” —CLAS “ at is not masculine urine. It’s
“You know what’s funny about this? “Aren’t you glad the dead can’t wimpy urine.”—NEJS
Wait, not funny. I’m gonna say bad. reproduce?” —CLAS “French is an accent, not a real
You know what’s bad about this?” “ ey were diagnosed with gender language.” —HIST
—NEJS at birth.” —ANTH “You people can experiment on
“Appearance works better on the “Aw, were you being sad because your children. I experimented on
face than on the pubic area.” — rabbinics is so sexist?” —NEJS my children, with great results.”—
NEJS “Maybe this is all a plot. I le PHIL
“I have some very innocent lesbian my credit card with the graduate “For your information, real butter is
friends who refer to their child’s students. I might never see them LESS kinky.”—BIO
sperm donor as their spunkle. I love again.” —CLAS “Black and Latino patients received
them but that’s very bad.” —ANTH “Okay, now let’s look at Antonella’s less opioids, so they missed the
“ e death thing is kinda slides.” —COSI epidemic. Discrimination wins for
unavoidable.” —ENG once.” —HSSP

12

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Professor Quotes

“You don’t learn in a way that “I don’t know if the fetus would like “ e basic rule you should know
helps you; you just recognize how that thing coming in and poking it, about birds is never take their
you fucked up.”—CLAS but nevertheless, the rabbis say sex advice.”—ENG
“Chinchilla! Highly specialized…” during pregnancy is good.”—NEJS “Alright! Let’s talk about ghost
—ENG “Next time, we’ll talk about cosmic nuns!”—ENG
“Dogs are antisemitic. They just reasons why the woman should “You can never prove anything in
are.”—NEJS orgasm rst.”—NEJS biology. God is too hard to read.”—
“A lot of you probably already “When I’m looking at the material, Math
know all this. I’m gonna explain it I realize, ‘would I have solved the “ is is the main reason I ride
anyway, and you can sit there with test in 15 minutes as a student?’ No. public transportation: to check out
a glazed look on your face while 2 hours? No. 3 hours? No. I sucked other people’s textiles.”—MERS
you zone out.”—NEJS as a student.”—COSI “Going outside always seems fun
“What do you do if you have a “ e Messianic Age is a mystery, until you do it.”—ENG
sucky son? Do you just kinda kill and so is my wife giving birth. “I see you guys have no
him? Sometimes, yeah.”—NEJS expectations of clarity, which is
“Genesis 36:5 is throwing a lot of ey’re on the same level.”—NEJS probably good.”—ENG
shade.”—NEJS “Your calculus teacher gave you “‘ ey hold out white bread to the
“Maybe all of literature is just the tools to be an evil capitalist.”— god, but he doesn’t eat it.’ He’s on a
overdone Tik-Tok posts.”—ENG ECON diet.”—NEJS
“To return to masturbation…”— “Today, we have really important “Booty, comma, much.”—NEJS
WMGS stu to talk about; that doesn’t “I have to administer an exam; time
“Trying to get fit is bad, and so is happen every class.”—HIST to browse some dank memes!”—
Scottish marriage.”—ENG “Anyone know any babies?”— CLAS
“Gross! A baby with teeth!”—NEJS ANTH “What do we do about the
“I’ve put many erection recipes on “ e paper is due by the moral Christians?”—CLAS
LATTE, you can use them outside equivalent of Friday.”—ENG “Why am I taking this course? Well,
of class. Not in class, please.”— “Don’t blame me. I’m just in I designed this course.”—CLAS
NEJS charge!”—ENG “Why do the Jews hate the
“Rabbis are very anxious that “Oh, God! at’s why it’s called Canaanites? Because people
Christian men do it better. Once Godiva! Because of the Victorian dislike people who are too similar
she’s tasted that honey, she won’t hair fetish!”—ENG to them. It’s like Bernie Sanders
want Jewish honey.”—NEJS “Boston is not one city, it is 10 supporters and Elizabeth Warren
“Is anyone here Catholic? I know I neighborhoods that all hate each supporters.”—NEJS
can’t ask that.”—CLAS other.”—ENG
“Don’t blame me. I’m just in
charge!”—ENG

13

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Professor Quotes

“She’s four years old when she gets classes as you need. I trust you not “We won’t spend long in the real
married? Where did they get that? to take advantage of this to go world, but it’s nice to wave at it.”
I have a lot of questions for the to all those wild parties that are —MATH
rabbis.”—NEJS always happening at 9:30 in the “If the coronavirus had been a little
“If two people enjoy dressing up as morning.”—ENG more polite, it would have hit a
nuns together then they’re a good “Who’s the baby daddy? The Holy month from now.”—ECON
couple, I guess.”—ENG Spirit!”—NEJS “What I like about being home is
“Anything looks like a uterus if you “Practice social distancing from that I can wear all the ties I don’t
look hard enough.”—NEJS geese.”—RUS dare wear on campus.”—HIST

“I had the same conversation about “I don’t know, you’re probably “I’m heading to campus
stuffing babies in jars.”—CLAS gonna have to find some very tomorrow… I hope it still exists.”
“The gun hits her in the boob and intense goose fetish sites or —HIST
she thinks this gives her breast something.”—RUS Have a professor prone to outrageous
cancer, which is not how any of this “I’m sorry for many of the things statements? Share them with us at
works.”—ENG that we’ve lost, including my [email protected] Be a friend and let
“If you’re sick, miss as many mind.”—CHEM us enjoy their lectures as much as you!

Top Ten: Strategies to Avoid Getting Called on in Class

1. Wear camouflage
2. Drink water while making eye contact
3. Write “i love you” on your eyelids and blink very slowly
4. Take notes so intensely that you never look up
5. Gouge out your eyes so eye contact is impossible
6. Have a meltdown right before class so you look pathetic and the professor
averts their eyes to avoid being confronted with your sadness
7. Sit behind that person who talks too much so the professor avoids looking
at them so as not to encourage them, thus avoiding looking at you too
8. Assert your dominance by calling on the professor
9. Show off your (man-)titties
10. Convince them you don’t know how to talk

14

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Opinion: Men Need to Shave eir Armpits

Men, no one wants to see has managed to spit in the notion of masculinity are you
your armpit hair. It’s gross, it’s eye of societal expectations, founding?
hairy, and it’s in your armpits. subvert traditional femininity, Fucking nothing, that’s what.
These are all valid reasons I and establish her dominance And you know what? I’m tired
have for telling you that it’s by the mere act of forgetting of it. I’m tired of being made
really time you shaved them. to scrape some hair off of to see hairy armpits when you
Have you looked in the mirror herself. The hottest take in the wear tank tops just because
recently? You know I’m right. world is physically incapable you’re too lazy to challenge
I can already hear you of shaming a woman like that traditional masculinity. I don’t
bawling about double and I certainly won’t be the like it. I don’t enjoy it. I would
standards. You would never write one to try. even say I find it unattractive.
an opinion piece telling women But you men are easy targets. Have some basic respect
they need to shave! You cry. What are you spitting in for yourselves, and most
And you’re right, I wouldn’t. the eye of when you refuse importantly, have some respect
Because a woman who to shave your gross, hairy for me. Shave your armpits.
doesn’t shave is a woman armpit hair? What are
who doesn’t give a shit. She you subverting? What new

Simp My Crib panhandling and dumpster Basement Apartment: For
diving. For those with a little the big-earners on this list,
So your parents kicked you more cash, consider splurging $250 will net you a basement
out of the house post college, on some plastic bags to help apartment underneath the local
or you simply can’t afford the waterproof the outside. trap house. Sure, your landlord
Swag of Skyline™($10000 a Dimensions: 28 ¾ by 71 ¼ regularly goes on meth binges
semester, if you get lucky with inches. Cost: $10 and sells your shit to the pawn
the lottery)… What does a shop down the street, but at this
broke bitch such as yourself Seduction: So, you can’t price, it’s a steal--better than
do? Come check out the array afford your own place. Well, East, anyway. Plus, free food
of apartments now available with the help of Sugardaddy comes with the complementary
to you, courtesy of Late-Stage Realtors, you too can live in rat infestation.
Capitalism! luxury. In exchange for the part Dimensions- 500 sq. ft. Cost-
time use of your body, you will Sanity, $250
Cardboard Box: With be supplied with a mid-range
four walls and an optional apartment with a middle aged
skylight, this beauty is located man. Hey, whatever works.
in Boston’s famous Harvard Dimensions: 4 inches(with
Square, close to public viagra). Cost: Self-worth
transportation and numerous
job opportunities including 15

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Safety Data Sheet — Gordon’s Vodka

1. Identi cation
Product name: VODKA, Gordon’s
Other names: ethanol, ethyl alcohol, re water,
piss maker
Contents: Ethanol, water, students’ hopes and
dreams
Recommended usage: With a mixer
Uses advised against: Anything if you’re over 21
and can buy better vodka

2. Hazards
WARNING: Gordon’s vodka is an extremely dangerous substance, and must be handled with
care. Wear protection (goggles, gloves, condoms) when handling. Only trained safety o -
cers should handle Gordon’s Vodka directly. Suggested training is two weeks binge drinking
at the beginning of the school year, followed by an optional 6-8 week period of pledging a
Greek-letter organization.
IN CASE OF EXPOSURE: Immediately consume better liquor, anything in a glass bottle. If no
better liquor is available, just buckle down and do three more shots.
RISKS INCLUDE:

- Nausea
- Vomiting
- The shits
- Pledging a frat
- Hooking up with someone you have to see ve times a day
Flammable liquid. Ingestion may result in the user being roasted for not being able to han-
dle their liquor.
SUGGESTED USE
The BEMCo: 2 oz Gordon’s Vodka, 4 oz Coke, 1 oz lime juice
Boilermaker: 1 shot Gordon’s vodka, 1 shitty beer. Drop the shot into the beer. “Enjoy.”

16

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

e Brandeis Diet: e Coolest New Trend!

You have heard legends of of Brandeisian delicacies, guarantee weight loss on the
the Freshman 15. Release such as metallic soup, Deis Diet. Some students—
sheltered young frosh into fuzzy salad, and chicken gamblers and masochists—
the luxurious world of all- carpaccio. overeat Brandeisian food in
you-can-eat dining halls hopes of catching an illness
and accessible candy at The ingenuity behind and subsequently losing
every corner, and they foods allowed on the Deis weight as a result.
return home for Christmas Diet is that it is impossible Gravity Magazine managed
looking like wagyu living for dieters to overeat. The to conduct an interview with
in Kobe. Grandparents more students eat, the Chaim Weinberg ’20, who
who complain about their more they put themselves was recently BEMCo’d and
grandchildren looking too at risk for culinary illnesses sent to Newton-Wellesley
skinny are now complaining such as salmonella and the Hospital: “This is my fourth
about how their children Sherman Shits. Students time being BEMCo’d.
have gotten so fat — I mean who do not want to get Once for salmonella, once
plus-sized. But, finally, sick will instead curb their for the [Sherman] shits,
the ingenious visionaries appetites, therefore cutting and twice for alcohol
working at Sodexo calories and losing weight. poisoning. Thank the lord
Headquarters have come The diet is foolproof ! Ron Liebowitz for student
up with a revolutionary insurance!”
solution: the Deis Diet! In an interview with Gravity When asked about the
The diet is affordable: Magazine, Aviva Rosenberg Deis Diet’s toll on his
after the coerced $3,000 ’23 said, “When I came physical health, Weinberg
baseline buy-in, students home for Hanukkah, my responded, “What can
are invited to follow along mother couldn’t recognize I say? I like my chicken
to this easy program! With me. She remarked that I bloody.”
a mindblowing less-than- had lost so much weight.
a-dozen complementary For a minute, I almost had
places to eat at all around her validation. But then she
campus (under the remembered that I switched
assumption that campus from pre-med to gender
exists only at the SCC studies.”
and up the hill), students
have the transformative Students who hedge their
opportunity to treat risk of illness by not eating
themselves to a diverse array will lose weight. But starving
is not the only way to

17

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Middle of the Stairs Best Place to Sit and Talk with Your Friends

A new study has revealed that irate students trying to get into personal information that is no
the best time to have a nice long the pit attempted to maneuver one else’s business.”
chat with your friends is while around the spokespeople without When Gravity asked if all
sitting on the stairs. This applies spilling their full glasses and the people stepping over and
to any stairs, as long as they plates of food. around them hindered their
are very busy, and a shit ton of One crucial contributor to the conversation, Jessabeth said,
people are trying to go up and study was Jessabeth Smithinson, “You’d think it would, but I’ve
down while you are sitting there. who considers herself an found it actually enhances the
The Party for the Improvement amateur but experienced stair- experience. Nothing makes you
of Sitting and Speaking (PISS) sitter. Gravity caught up with enjoy a conversation more than
announced the results of this her on the SCC stairs, where she knowing that literally everyone
study last Thursday during a was sitting at the top of the first who passes you wants you to be
press conference which was flight, gossiping with a friend. having it somewhere else.”
held on the stairs into the pit “I never talk to people unless At press time, Jessabeth was
in Sherman. “This is truly we’re sitting on a step anymore,” attempting to gather a large
innovative research which we Jessabeth told our reporter, who enough group of friends to block
hope will help people of all was forced to take a seat next to the Rabb steps for a nice long
creeds be their most annoying her, blocking the only remaining chat.
selves,” a PISS spokesperson space to pass the two girls. “It’s
said during the conference, while the best atmosphere for sharing

18

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Brandeis to Implement Ten Factor Authorization

Brandeis Information Technology Service announced last Thursday that in an effort to increase
account safety, the account system will be migrating to a “Ten-Factor Authentication” service.

The university will be ending its current partnership with the Two-Factor provider “Duo” and
moving to the up-and-coming service “Deca.” To access their accounts, students will now need
to provide:

1. Username and password
2. Authentication from a Deca™ enabled mobile device
3. A photograph of your student ID (one meal swipe will be subtracted)
4. A scan of your latest assignment (at least an 80% will be necessary for successful login)
5. Your Bar or Bat Mitzvah certificate
6. A sample of any bodily liquid
7. Social Security card (mail in only---will be returned in 6-8 weeks)
8. The prime factorization of a randomly generated 86 digit number
9. A video of you performing the Macarena (The Hokey Pokey also acceptable)
10. Simultaneously turn the key to enter your room and your campus mailbox

We reached out to CIO Jim La Creta about this exciting new development. “We really think
that this change will push campus cyber safety to new heights! We’re confident that this will
really squash out any last bit of account
abuse. After all, nobody can abuse their
user account if nobody can access it.”

This article was originally published via
passenger pigeon, as the author could not access
their user account.

19

Spring 2020 Gravity Magazine

Why Don’t You Do Some Handicra s and Maybe You’ll
Calm Down

Brandeis student Joey Beckson “It’s incredible,” he said, constant sense of impending
recently revealed that he tossing a finished beanie doom. But I did recently make
has discovered the definitive onto the growing pile behind a baby blanket for my older
cure for feeling frantically him and starting a new cousin who’s bringing a new
overwhelmed by the hellhole one. “Every time I start to child into this corrupt and
we live in. “It’s handicrafts,” remember who the president fucked up society we live in
he said. is, or how fast the Earth is soon,” he added with a smile.
Gravity sat down with Joey heating, or what’s going on “I can’t wait to teach them
to learn more about how at literally any border in the how to ignore their problems
handicrafts can clear your world, I just start another through crafting. Hopefully
skin, calm your mind, and craft project, and... viola! I the world won’t have been
cause world peace. feel fine!” His hands blurred destroyed in the imminent
“When my friend Amanda as he crocheted a mint green nuclear war before they’re old
first encouraged me to take beanie with a charming eyelet enough to learn a basic knit
up a textile hobby, she just design so fast that sparks flew stitch!”
told me it’s gay culture,” off the yarn, catching a nearby With a glimmer of fear in his
Joey told our reporter while mountain of knitted crafts on eyes, Joey immediately began
crocheting a tasteful baby fire. “I don’t even remember crocheting an elegant ivory
blue beanie. “I was like, ‘But what a Republican is!” he shawl with panicked fervor.
what can knitting do for me?’ announced serenely. Editor’s note: this article was
But then I picked up my first When asked if he crafts for written prior to the coronavirus. Joey
pair of needles and a sense himself or others, Joey said, has transitioned to crocheting masks.
of incredible calm settled “Mostly I craft to escape a
over me. I went into a trance-
like state and, by the time I
emerged, there was over 10
feet of scarf on my needles
and my stress stomach ache
was gone.”
Since then, Joey has taken
up sewing, embroidery,
needlepoint, and crocheting.
Next, he plans to start
spinning and dying his own
yarn.

20

Gravity Magazine Spring 2020

Donghead Shave Club: Shave Time, Lose Self Respect

1.) Reverse Mullet

Hate your parents? With that hairstyle I
would too…Emo in the front, normie in the
back.

2.) The Logo

What? You think you can pay off student
loans without selling your body?

3.) Half and Half

Simple. Shave one side of your head
completely. Extend to rest of body for
maximum effect.

4.) The Karen

Kick ass, take names, ask for their manager
with no shame.

5.) Lethal Weapon

It’s a Highway to Hell—or perhaps just the
friend zone.

21


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