Gravity (Fall 2018)

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Table of Contents

Letter from the Editors 3 Special anks To:
Hiatt Actually Helps Someone 4 at really old picture of Noah,

e Brandeis Counseling Center COSI TAs, Andre sparkling
Studies in the New World 4 wine, the UN for ignoring
Millenial Makes First New Friend Since College 5 our ongoing human rights
5 violations, and Professor Keith
is Building Impossible to Find 6 Merril.
Kev Kev’s Koitus Korner
Humanities Student Le Out 7 No anks To:
Tragedy: a Comedy Show Not Pre-Gamed 8 e Student Union, STATA,
Professor Moves O ce Hours 8 Angela Liu, Sarah Palin,
I Don’t Even Go Here, Fuckers 9 BranVan trackers never
Your Room Declared Protected Ecology 9 working, and our entire sta :
Student Drops out to Become Stripper
Professor Quotes 10 Kevin “Big Piece” Dardik
Top 10: Ways to Increase Sport Attended 11 Rachel “BDE” Luo
Compare and Contrast: Kids/Frat Bros 12 Noah “u up?” Somberg
Fuck New Jersey 14 Mark “Assblaster 3000” Gimbel
14 Anushka “Ba-donka-donk” Gosh
e Hoot Maddie “Leviathot” Scranton
Stop Being a Tease 15 Hannah “Redickted” [REDACTED]
Brandeis Admissions: a Breakdown 16 Josh “Johnson” Ho man
Sarah Palin 17 Violet “Violent Felon” Fearon
Sarah Palin: A Commentary 18 Abigael “Packin’ Heat” Good
White Liberals Shocked By America 19 Tenor “Barotone Sax” Matys
Greek Life Returns to Its Roots
Kavanaugh’s D&D Dobby 19 Corrections:
Kavanaugh 2: is Time Drawn 21 e title of the magazine should
21
22 have actually been “Graweedy” this
whole time.

23

Gravity was founded in 1990 by Noel Rappin ‘93, Mathew Cohe ‘93, and Jason Schneider ‘93. All content
© 2018 to its respective creators. Gravity retains to reprint all content, including electronic reproductions.

Violators will be violated.

Kevin Dardik OUR STAFF Production Editor
Rachel Luo Production Editor
Noah Somberg Editor-in-Chief Maddie Scranton Production Editor
Mark Gimbel Editor-in-Chief Hannah [REDACTED] Production Editor
Anushka Ghosh
Violet Fearon Spider Editor Josh Ho man Contributor
Secretary Abigael Good

Avatar: e Last Artist Tenor Matys
Production Editor

2

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Letter from the Editors

Dear Shitstains1 who read our magazine,

This is not a resignation letter. This is a cry for help.

The Idea: Simple.
The Execution: Flawed.
First, we asked ourselves; how can we make this letter funny? And then we asked
ourselves; how can we make this magazine funny?
“The jury’s still out on that,” said Kevin flirtily. And then he burped really loudly
and obnoxiously.
“Oh god,” Rachel said2, pinching her nose. “We’ve already devolved into toilet
humor.”
Anyways. This semester has been deeply thrilling (down to our bones). We just
wrote a bunch of bullshit and by the end of the semester we realized we had enough to
put into a magazine. So we did. Really, it’s not us you should blame, rather, dear reader;
YOU are the one who picked up this magazine. Perhaps you were waiting in Usdan,
and it was too early to go to your class, but not early enough to go back to the library. So
you picked up a copy of this magazine. You have nobody to blame but yourself. Unless
you are a professor,3 then you can also blame your life choices, and your students. If you
have any students who work for Gravity it is your prerogative—nay, your obligation—to
fail them.
The main obstacle to our success this semester has been the ongoing construction
right beneath the Louis statue. Not only did this disturb the Deep Magiks which keep us
entranced and happily working, but it also prevented us from heelying from our office
to the Stein for a quick brain-food break. It did not prevent us from trying, however.
Please, a moment of silence for the Gravity contributors who were lost to the Heelies
this semester.
We would like to take this opportunity to call out Brian. Brian, you emailed us
asking to be removed from our ListServ. That is not our fucking job. Remove yourself
from the goddamn ListServ. You can’t use basic websites? It’s the same password for all
of your shit, bro.

With warm/cold regards,
Noah & Mark/Kevin & Rachel
1. This corrected to Christians at first lol.
2. A/N: Omg, I totally ship Rachel and Kevin. Like, omg I just got chills.
3. Hi Keith.

3

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Hiatt actually helps someone

In a shocking turn of events next thing I knew, I received this engage in small talk are all traits
last Monday, the Hiatt Career job. Honestly, the alumni were that Brandeis students lack. If
Center gave legitimately useful just friendly and always willing Brandeis students want to find
advice to someone. A student, to give advice.” top paying careers, they must
Sarah Johnson, walked out of When Hiatt officials joined learn basic human skills. Most
Usdan with a full-time, full- the conversation, more details employers aren’t interested in
benefits, six-figure-earning job emerged. “Yeah, we hosted hiring antisocial graduates with
despite her philosophy degree the same events as every year,” 3.3 GPAs.”
and total lack of university an employee stated while Hiatt was not the only Brandeis
support. As Ms. Johnson strolled bobbing on a red yoga ball. “In institution celebrating Ms.
out of Hiatt, Gravity reporters addition to asking for donations, Johnson’s success. At press time,
asked her how Hiatt assisted her Brandeis also asks alumni to the University’s Philosophy
in finding such an excellent job. contribute to the networking department was promoting itself
“I don’t, like, really understand process. Although students often as one of the most successful
how it occurred,” Ms. Johnson complain that just meeting up departments in the university
explained when questioned for coffee isn’t enough to form a with the slogan, “I think,
about the opportunity. “I just strong relationship, Sarah proved therefore I can.” The overall
attended a couple networking that our system does produce affair delayed the department’s
events with alumni, [we] added results. Her ability to smile, form abolishment by about eight
each other on Linkedin, and the friendships with strangers, and years.

Brandeis to replace Counselling Center with study space

As we all know, the Brandeis finally created a committee to to enter the building, so we
Counselling Center has been schedule a committee time for did away with all the pesky
in high demand as of recently. the meeting of the committee to roadblocks such as appointment
Within the first week of the decide where the funding for the times and counsellors and now
academic year the entire center last three committees goes. the entire building is open to
was booked for three weeks in Noticing the great demand the student body, 24/7!....9-5
advance. The Student Mental to get into the Brandies weekdays, not including Fridays
Health Crisis might actually be Counselling Center, the and Jewish holidays and three
solved as finally, the pressing Brandeis Administration has vowel day names.” On all other
need of the student body to converted the Counselling days, the space may be reserved
have access to the Counseling Center into a new study space. via DCL.
Center has been heeded by “We saw how everyone was so
the administration, who has desperate to make appointments

4

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Millennial Makes First Friend Since College

NEW YORK—David needed to do, I was just trying as Dave says “I wish he’d take
Bloomington, Brandeis class to make a living and work on more baths. But friendship is all
of 2009, has reportedly made self-improvement.” about compromise.”
a new friend this week. “I was Fortunately, our young man All of us at Gravity wish David
talking with one of the guys in would soon find a kindred soul good luck with his new dog.
my office, and I noticed we had with many matching interests.
a lot in common. So later we “He’s really athletic,” says
hung out, and I think both of David. “He likes hiking, and is
us had a lot of fun.” This will quite passionate about food.”
allegedly be David’s very first Last we checked, the dynamic
new friend since graduating duo could not be reached for
college nearly a decade ago. comment because they were
David states that he “was just out actually having fun. All is
focusing on my work, you know? not well in paradise, however,
There were so many things I

Man Studies Abroad in New World
MASSACHUSETTS Pocahontas, whom he promised Despite these drawbacks,
COLONY, NEW WORLD— to bring to the old world. Sir Phillips is adamant about
In a recent letter to his Father, When reached for a comment, his colony’s success. “We
Sir James Phillip III described the chief of the nearby already succeeded in growing
how his recent study abroad villable, Sir Runs with Wolves, pumpkins and corns. Our
to the colonies has changed reports Phillips in a different colony’s relationship with the
his perspective on life. “The fashion. “That white man has Natives is peaceful as we engage
natives are utter savages, some no understanding of basic in mutual help. Heavens, next
have never even studied the fine agriculture. He comes into our week we’re having a turkey
words of Christianity.” Philip village, refuses to bow towards dinner with Sir Runs with
proceeded to rebuke the Indians me, then demands that we Wolves. This winter definitely
as “lacking common sense supply him with pumpkins. His won’t impact us in the slightest.”
and using brutish behavior buddies and him claim that At press time, Sir Runs with
to settle quarrels.” Despite natural areas now belong to Wolves was arguing with his
any criticisms, he compliment some guy named ‘King George political rival, Sir From the
the natives for “assisting him I.’” He later revealed that Red Clay, over how their tribe
and his fellow colonists in Pocahontas was just trying to should construct a wall to
agricultural learning. Perhaps get those “ungrateful fuckers to prevent further immigration.
they understand our superiority go back to the shithole they
as a civilization.” He neglected came from.”
to mention that he had met
a desirable young maiden,

5

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

All ese Building Fucking Impossible to Find

WALTHAM, MA—Local to God.”
freshman Sarah Smith was “Too many fucking Shapiros,”
heard earlier today complaining she later commented. “Plus
that she can’t find anything. everywhere you turn there’s a
“I’ve been here two days and goddamn statue. What is this, a
I still can’t get anywhere,” she sculpture garden? Fuck you. I
apparently told several people. just want to get to my UWS.”
Sources close to her tell Gravity At press time, Sarah was
she has described this situation reportedly standing in the
as “ridiculous,” “so annoying,” middle of the road, jabbing
and “fucking impossible.” a finger at google maps while
When reached for comment shivering in her seasonally-
by Gravity, Sarah cursed at inappropriate crop top.
reporters and demanded to
know where Mandel is located,
because “google maps doesn’t
know fucking anything, I swear

6

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Kev Kev’s Koitus Korner

Q: How can I discreetly jack off but is close enough for her, right? Q: Why is so much Marvel
while my roommate is here? Q: I drink a gallon of cranberry fanart gay porn?
A: The Brandeis go-to is playing juice every day A: Because most straight porn
music while hiding under a A: ... artists are drawing Bowsette.
blanket. If that doesn’t work, Q: My boyfriend wants me to Q: I really want to get into
point and shout “Look! Over swallow, but his semen is bitter, anime, can you recommend me
there!” When your roommate what do? some good ones to start?
looks, quickly rub one out. If all A: Give him diabetes. While A: Well anime [FYI it’s
else fails, assert your dominance normally a life-altering medical pronounced AH-knee-may] is a
and masturbate openly. condition, the sweeter semen vast genre full of different styles
Q: How can I discreetly jack off makes it worth it. of storytelling and drawing.
my roommate? Q: I think my SO might be a Are you interested in childhood
A: First you need to sneak up on furry, what should I do? classics about magical girls like
your roommate. I recommend A: I’m a pretty hairy guy myself. Sailor Moon? Or do you want
getting a good army crawl going, All body types need love and nitty gritty, dark animes like
so they won’t see you coming. support. If your SO really has Attack on Titan?
Well, unless they’re looking for too much fur, though, waxing Alternatively, you could repent
short people. Next you stage is the most permanent solution, and go to church to beg
a distraction. Try throwing but routine shaving would also forgiveness.
something in the other direction. take care of it. Q: Is Aang from The Last
Finally, just absolutely go to Alternatively, get a spray bottle Airbender white?
town on them. At this point, and use it every time they bang A: No, he is actually Caucasian.
even if they do notice, what are in an animal costume. Have questions? Ask us at
they going to do? The situation Q: How long can I wear a butt [email protected]!
is far too awkward for them to plug? The world-renowned Kev Kev is the
ask you to stop, so you are free to A: How long will it take for the Gravity staff question-answerer. When
finish. emotional trauma to heal? he’s not answering inane sex questions
Q: I want to wait until marriage Q: Does watching transgender from his fellow Brandeis students,
but my girlfriend doesn’t, what porn make me gay? Kev Kev enjoys long walks along
should I do? A: No, but it makes you trans. Loop Road, beating up volcanoes, and
A: That depends. Are you drawing.
definitely going to marry her? If
so, what’s the problem? Propose
already and get those tax
benefits early. If not, consider
the poophole loophole. It counts
as waiting for marriage for you,

7

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Local Humanities Student Feels Le Out

WALTHAM, MA— Religious to get in on the kvetching, but I
Studies major Ruth Goldstein always finish my homework in a
has reported feeling left out psychologically healthy amount
when her friends complain about of time. It’s not fair.”
all their homework. As Gravity interviewed Ruth,
“All my STEM friends are like, a group of students walked by
‘Oh, I’m so busy, I have to discussing how stressful their
prepare for my lab tomorrow,’ computer neuroscience class
or ‘Ugh, I have to find the cure was.
for cancer by next week,’” she “You see?” Ruth demanded as
complained. “It’s like, can you they passed. “STEM kids are the
talk about anything else?” worst. We get it, rocket science is
“Everyone else gets to bond hard, move on.”
over complaining about the
calculometry proofs they have
to do over the weekend or
whatever,” Ruth said. “I want

Tragedy: Student Forgets to Pre-Game Comedy Show

This week marks one of the AK’s, and Ronald “Ronald” Utterly untrashed, Brian quickly
greatest tragedies to befall Liebowitz. realized that he was in the
Brandeis since the Great The tragedy struck as the clock horrific position of having to
Chicken Shortage of Yom approached 7:00 PM, and Brian witness the talents of Brandeis
Kippur Eve 2018. found himself already in the comedians with a BAC below
One student—Brian Stein, chicken tenders on the the legal limit.
Markowicz—faced a fate worse way. As he was bound to his Later that night, after 15
than death this weekend, when location by the mighty force minutes of jokes about how
he attended the “Triple Fall of Stein food, he was unable Brandeis students go to the
Funny Bones Comedy Bash, to consume the half handle of library, Brian began to quietly
ft. TBA, Bad Grammar, False whiskey he was saving for the sob into his chicken tenders.
Advertising, APP, Crowd occasion.
Control, BK,

8

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Professor Moves O ce Hours

Waltham, MA—Fed up with it to me, in the dark alleyway the dark
her Biology 16b class (Cells and behind Gzang!” alleyway
Cells: Comparing Biological This change came after behind
and Prison Systems), Professor Professor Harrison’s last office Gzang.
Harrison has informed her hour, where five pre-med “If
class that her office hours have freshmen sat in her office, asking attending,
moved. Rather than her office how each homework question please do
in Bassine, they will now be held would help them on the MCAT. not bring
in the dark alleyway behind the After she announced the change, any flashlights, phones, lanterns,
Gerstenzang Science Library. one of those same students, lighters, whistles or flares to my
Professor Harrison (PhD, John, asked, “How will knowing office hour.”
Harvard) announced the where your office hours are help John told Gravity he’d “rather
change to the class, “If you me on the MCAT?” go to his TA’s office hour, which
need help on homework, you Professor Harrison assured him as always was held on the
can find me between 9 and she could explain if he came roof of the Foster Biomedical
10 PM in the dark alleyway to her office hour tonight, in Building at midnight.”
behind Gzang. Anything at all
you need help with, just bring

I don’t even go here, fuckers

Guess what? I’m not even a screaming like a banshee. infested dorms with radiators
student at Brandeis, and I’m still Literally. And who the fuck is that decide the perfect time to
writing this shitty article. You going to stop me? It’s not like act up is three in the morning,
read that right. I don’t think the sleep deprived freshmen no more of whatever bullshit
I’m even allowed to participate studying for bio tests give a Sodexo markets as “food,” and
in clubs according to university shit—they’re too busy. And if no more walking up Rabb stairs
policy, yet here we are. someone does rat me out, like to get to a Spanish class.
That’s right. I said “we.” You’re the little bitch they are, then I’m still mooching off the
reading this, chuckling slightly. what would the repercussions eduroam wifi though. That’s
Or just blowing air through be? Deny me campus housing? pretty dope.
your nose a little bit. A tiny bit? Expel me? Ha! Take that, To conclude, if you’re reading
What I’m trying to say is that college bureaucracy! this, get fucked.
you’re an accomplice. We’re in The power of my invincibility Editors’ Note: we found this in a
this together now. courses through my veins. I Usdan bathroom stall and decided
Sometimes I come to the think it’s getting to my head. It’s to publish it. This was literally
campus and haunt this shithole. making me dizzy. submitted by a person who does not
I wander around North Quad, But I digress. God, I’m glad to go here.
be rid of this place! No more

9

Fall 2018 Gravity

Nation’s Scientists Declare Your Room a Protected
Ecological Community
Thursday morning, some external event—like intelligent life.”
environmentalists celebrated a parents coming to visit, or At press time, the BBC is
much-needed victory when an procrastinating writing a paper,” reportedly putting plans
important center of unusual life Dr. Fieldman told us. “Luckily, into motion to produce a
forms—your dorm room—was though, your parents don’t love documentary about your
officially declared a protected you enough to visit, and you room, narrated by Sir David
ecological community. have no semblance of executive Attenborough. They hope
“This is a big win for us,” functioning or even a basic to have “lots of emotional
says Dr. Samantha Fieldman, sense of shame, so we have high orchestral scores” and “really
ecologist and biome specialist. hopes to preserve your room for high definition, like a lot
“We’ve known for a long generations to come.” of zooming in and stuff.”
time that your room was a Dr. Richard Green is among Production will begin when
rare and exciting hotbed of the top paleontologists studying you’re least expecting it.
environmental development, so your room. He and his team are
we’re overjoyed that it will now working to pinpoint the exact
be afforded some of the security timeframe that life here began
provided by federal and state to develop in such unusual ways.
level regulations.” “By its very nature, our estimates
Dr. Fieldman emphasized your are generalizations—we can’t be
room’s remarkable ecological too specific,” Dr. Green told us.
features. “From the unwashed “However, our carpet analysis
laundry strewn around your indicates a major historical
bed, to the wide variety of turning point was the start of
decaying food containers— midterms. But even prior to that,
there’s just such a rich diversity there were already a number
of microorganic life, it’s really of factors that made this area
beautiful. And that’s not even especially hospitable to life—like
mentioning all the insects.” that weird dampness under your
Some of the major threats to desk that you never got around
ecological zones like these, Dr. to calling Facilities about.”
Fieldman explained, are air Your room, Dr. Green was
freshener strips, your roommate’s quick to add, has its limitations.
$10 Target vacuum cleaner, or “I know the media’s all over
even just opening the window this, but I want to emphasize:
every once in a goddamn while. all of these organisms are of
“Student cleaning typically the most primitive varieties.
comes in irregular but intense There’s nothing in our fieldwork
bursts, usually spurred on by that suggests this area has ever
been inhabited by any form of

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Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Student Drops Out

Waltham, MA—According much better than my unpaid nothing can scare you. The work
to a recent post on her internship at Lemberg. Even can seem excruciating, but at the
facebook, Brandeis junior though the wings are days- end of the night when you take
Stacey Goldsberg has decided old and covered in grease, out the dollar bills, you’ve been
to drop out. When forced to they’re still better than eating paid in more than just money.”
choose between one more at Sherman. The men who Ms. DePamphilis added to Ms.
year of Brandeis and starting show up at my 3 PM Thursday Johnson’s point, stating that “At
a new career at Hooters, Ms. show are affectionate and least it’s better than working at
Goldsberg found herself leaving kind, showering me in praise Mickey D’s.”
the University. As the Psychology like no man ever has. With Gravity reporters asked Art
and Art History double-major stained shirts, round bellies, History UDR, Ms. Shiela
trades her experience examining and receding hairlines, they’d Greenfield to comment on
18th century European artwork be considered hunks here in the development. “Honestly,
in for a crop top, her future is Waltham.” I don’t understand Stacey’s
as bright as a disco ball on a Ms. Goldsberg’s new co-workers, logic. She was already in the
Tuesday morning. Misty Johnson and Kandi process of interning at the Rose
“I’m excited to announce that DePamphilis jumped to their Art Museum, isn’t she content
I have a new path in life,” new friend’s defense. “Y’ALL with knowing she’ll always
Ms. Goldsberg stated on her DONT KNOW HER!” typed have a stable career?” As Ms.
Facebook. “After years of Ms. Johnson in a passionate Greenfield ended the interview,
worrying about finding a job and tirade. “We’re tenacious women she told reporters to tell her
paying back my student debt, who refuse to give in to your “client” Ron Liebowitz to pay
I’ve changed my life trajectory. bullying. After you’ve attended up.
My new job at Hooters pays a couple of presidential parties,

11

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Professor Quotes

Have you ever had sh in Usdan? Raise your hand if you don’t know What’s the number one reason
Not really tangible. - PHIL what it is ... if you don’t, that’s okay! sperm don’t make it? ey don’t ask
for directions! - BIO
e great thing about being a at means you’re not a nerd!
teacher is getting summers o ... - COSI ucydides is a persuasive son of a
I’ve taught summer school for the I just copied this from the Internet, bitch. - HIST
past ten years. - PHIL I hope it’s correct. - COSI My advice to everybody in this
Are we supposed to be talking You can engage in your community, room: do not accept a date with a
about adultery at Brandeis? Oh or you can give up on the world Greek god. It’s not worth it. - THA
well, ask your parents. - PHIL and stay in your house and do all He is dripping in blood, and it’s not
Some of you are not graduating. your shopping through Amazon ketchup. - THA
- PHIL Prime. - HIST So the production went on, but
If your intuition of what this means I don’t know about you, but if I was the orgy was an orgy with body
hasn’t crashed yet, it’s about to your age and someone o ered me stockings. - THA
- MATH a hedonistic lifestyle, I would’ve Some men nd sexy women
chosen that. - HIST terrifying. - THA
is is going to be gross. Let’s keep Teaching is so much better now Does anyone know any obscene
it. - MATH that they’ve reopened the co ee jokes you can tell in public? - THA
What’s really spectacular is that it shop. Now all we need is a bar. If we want the human race to
looks like it works. - PHYS - ENG survive, we have to get rid of all
Government exists because the Republicans and then reproduce.
world sucks. - POL is might be too much for English - THA
What is education but the chance majors. - LING As usual, what you do with the
to learn about Granville Sharp? head of an enemy is put it on a stick
- LGLS is is why your parents don’t want and parade it around town. - THA
You’ll probably think I’m a you to get a Ph. D. - POL I’m not shaming anyone who is
conniving bitch ... my assignments I like volunteers. Sacri cial attracted to navels. - ENG
might make you want to bend o erings are supposed to consent. I’ve been making fun of him for 15
me over and spank me. - CLAS - HIST years. - PHIL
One of the interesting things about If you want to play trivia tonight, You would not believe the
sex is how boring it can be. - ENG you can do sperm facts. - BIO number of former hippies on the
Pay attention to how weird Freud If I give you a drawing of a sperm, faculty. - HIST
is. He’s so weird. - ENG you’ll know I’m a very nice person.
An IDE will make your life easy ... - BIO
and we don’t want that! - COSI
ere’s people walking by in the
hallway, quick, switch to the slide
with the gigantic penis! - BIO

12

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Professor Quotes I‘m a big cheater today. - CHEM
is actor has lost his face.
You’re just using words that That’s a lot of nonsense that
sound cool. - PHIL just came out of my mouth. - THA
He joined the Nazi party. That’s - MATH Have a professor prone to outrageous
a problem. - PHIL That field just gives a giant statements? Share them with us at
All this philosophy is literally middle finger to everything. It’s [email protected]. Be a friend and
nonsense. - PHIL for the better. - MATH let us all enjoy their lectures as much
Sorry I’m terrible. - PHYS Oh no, I just did what I said I as you!
wouldn’t do. - MATH

I forgot to mention, atoms exist. I thought it was going to kill
- PHYS everyone. This is much better
Sorry I’m late. Don’t worry, this than expected. - MATH
class will still feel like 80 minutes. I’ll just double down and make
- MATH terrible use of the board.
We won’t talk about it in this - MATH
class, because it’s way too Yes, a lot of Kant scholars think
interesting. - MATH Kant is totally off his rocker.
I could check, but that’s work, - PHIL
and I don’t like work. - MATH It’s sometimes helpful to know
On your homework, which where you are. - PHIL
I have nothing to do with ... God— I mean Kant—... -PHIL
- MATH I hate technology. - COSI
Yeah. I saw what I did there too. I’m not having any special sauce
- MATH in there. - CHEM
The answer is just understand They were able to fit in because
everything. - MATH they were white. - ECON
I’m going to kick the coolness up Chemistry is way harder than
a notch. - MATH ravens. - PHIL
Don’t be a mathematician. Pure Always laugh at your professors.
math is a lonely walk. - MATH - HIST

13

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Top 10 ways to Improve Sports Attendance

#1 Answer key to the gen chem final
#2 Unpaid internship offers
#3 Graduation requirement
#4 Free Gordon’s vodka
#5 Puppy bowl (an actual sport)
#6 The half-time show is just Springfest
#7 Shabbat dinner on the field
#8 Guaranteed better housing (a dingle in the
East basement is better housing, right?)
#9 C-store gift cards
#10 Real bacon

Compare and Contrast: Frat Bros and Children

Kids Frat Bros

• Moms clean up their messes • Pledges clean up their messes
• Depend on their moms for everything • Depend on their bigs for everything
• Need their sippy cups to function • Need their sippy cups to function
• Forced to learn alphabet • Forced to learn alphabet
• Have to attend UWS • Have to attend a er school tutoring
• Steal your lunch money ($5) • Steal your tuition money ($400)
• Bad rap battles • Bad rap battles
• Make jokes about getting laid, but haven’t • Make jokes about getting laid, but haven’t
• Bathe in axe • Don’t bathe
• Mom dresses them • Mom should dress them
• Can only grow peach fuzz • Can only grow peach fuzz
• Forward chain mails • Forward chain gangs
• Awkward dances with girls • Don’t dance with girls
• Awkward sexual sleeping • Awkward semi-gay pledging
• Scared girls have cooties • Girls have cooties
• Awkward photos in suits • Awkward photos in suits

14

Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Op-Ed: We Should Oppress People from New Jersey

In these dark and uncertain New Jerseyans, walking around borders between southern,
times, we often find ourselves with their piss-poor New Jersey central, and northern NJ.
forgetting what really matters in supremacy, thinking their But let me ask you: is there a
life. Caught up with the string bagels and pizza are better than difference between being pissed
of political scandals and other everyone else’s, but still telling on and being shat on? NO!!!!
ill-boding current events, we people that they’re from “New There isn’t! And North/South
find ourselves with no room for York.” Jersey are not real things! Of
the truly important things, like Greater New York my ass. course, maybe it’s just me,
family, health, and faith. Shut the fuck up, you’re from but I’ve always been of the
Worst, we’ve lost sight of the northern NJ. New Jersey is opinion that spatial boundaries
most important thing of all: nowhere near as great as New are a capitalistic construct
oppressing people from New York, and New Jerseyans damn stemming from our dark days of
Jersey. well better start admitting it colonialism. Also, people from
The gays this, black people before I really start to oppress New Jersey don’t have souls.
that—it’s all nonsense, and we them. TL;DR, people in New Jersey
know it. We need to focus on New Jerseyans have some don’t deserve any human rights,
the REAL issues, those damn complicated bullshit about the change my mind.

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Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

At the Brandeis Hoot, ‘Diversity’ is just for Show

Editors’ note: We have confirmed that Brandeis’ campus and saw an Hoot editors were relentless in
this individual is a former member of issue of the Brandeis Hoot, I their efforts to ostracize, belittle,
The Brandeis Hoot. Per the Society was ecstatic. Finally, I thought. A and dehumanize me. Yes, in
of Professional Journalists Code of home away from home with like- this day and age. Yes, here. At
Ethics, this individual’s identity will minded individuals who share Brandeis.
not be released for fear of retribution my values. The idea of joining The Hoot’s behavior directly
and further persecution from Hoot the Justice never even crossed my contradicts its stated purpose:
editors. mind; “Hoot” was practically “Our mission is to give every
The contempt in her eyes was the only word I could say for community member a voice.”
plainly visible as she charged weeks. This mission statement is
at me, screaming “Get out of I showed up to a few meetings, meaningless if not put into
here!” It didn’t stop there. She and the Hoot editors wouldn’t action.
threw food at me—an Einstein’s even give me the time of day. In My Hoot debacle came to a
pizza bagel. And then the slur, fact, they raised their voices at head one day when I arrived
such an ugly word that I can’t me and tried to shoo me out of at the newspaper office, only to
even write it on the page. the office. I submitted content see a sign telling me “my kind”
I’ll never forget the day I was for their consideration, and they wasn’t wanted there. Clear as
kicked out of the Brandeis looked at me with disgusted day: “Don’t let the owl in.” The
Hoot’s office. How could I? sneers and threw my work in the Hoot may print some of its
Growing up, all I ever wanted trash right in front of me. pages in color, but this is a black-
was to be a journalist. I tore But like most Brandeis students, and-white issue: at the Brandeis
through copies of the New York I don’t let a little adversity Hoot, diversity is just a farce.
Times and practically made a get me down. I’m pretty laid Give a hoot? Don’t join the
nest out of the Boston Globe. back, a regular ol’ member of Hoot.
When I first swooped in on parliament, you know? But the

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Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Opinion: Why Were ese Women Born Female if
ey Wanted to be Treated Like Humans?

In the past months we’ve seen medieval Europe to the modern Look, I’m not sexist or anything,
a slew of allegations against era, patriarchal oppression has but I find it hard to believe how
powerful men—from Hollywood been ubiquitous. Which is why naïve these women say they are.
to Washington, the problem I find it so hard to believe these If they want to be treated like
seems almost universal. Of women didn’t know what they everyone else, they should just
course, we’re told we should were getting themselves into man up and be men.
always believe the victims, but when they came into this world
weren’t these women sort of with a vagina between their legs.
asking for it? I mean give me a break!

I mean, if these so called
“victims” really wanted to be
respected, wouldn’t they have
been born as a male like me?

Women are perhaps the most
oppressed group of people in
history. From ancient Athens to

Brandeis Admissions Process Revealed

An inside source has revealed Essays are rated on a At this point, a stack of
the highly secretive process by logarithmic scale of 1, 8, 3, and applications of Jewish students
which Brandeis students are 17. 8s, 3s, and 17s continue typically is found strewn across
admitted. through the process, while a hit the floor. These students are
Starting with an aggregate is placed on those scoring a 1. If admitted automatically, as is
of students’ test scores, the hit is successful, the student tradition (TRADITIOOON!
applicants are then assigned an is rejected, but if they defeat the TRADITION!).
alphanumeric symbol matching hitman, they are admitted to the Highly trained admissions
an admissions officer. midyear class. officers then spend hours staring
Once assigned, the officers print Among the 8s, 3s, and 17s, the at scores, reading essays, making
stamp-sized pictures of each officers carefully review the bar graphs. After they get bored
and every student and stick financial circumstances of each of this, they ultimately decide
them to their bedroom ceilings and every student, then together by dreidel. Nun is waitlisted;
for nighttime contemplation. they all agree to not use that hay is midyear; shin is rejected;
Officers read the essays of only as a factor in the student’s and gimel is accepted. Best of
those students who visit their admissions. All admissions luck!
dreams. officers pinky swear.

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Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Sarah Palin: You Didn’t Ask For Her, But You Got
Her Anyways

Sarah Palin was back home have smaller antlers than peni. inserted itself forcefully inside
where the falling snow could Palin caught a whiff of blood, her. Its claws drew blood as it
muffle her cries. John was gone the very thought of which struggled to find purchase. She
now but she still ached for him, made her loins froth, and her could feel the wolf knotting
and knew that she’d need to find emissions dripping on the chair inside her. As the wolf ’s knot
fresh meat to satisfy her urges froze as a token of her arousal. expanded, her kegels squeezed
[1]. It was time to hunt to satiate her the length of it, stimulating them
When Bristol got pregnant cunt [5]. Those who criticize both. The process of drawing
there was only one thing a her for hunting wolves from out the precious wolf juices was
mother could do. She had a helicopter don’t know the arduous. As the blood dripped
already pushed Bristol out of thrills it can bring. A glimpse of down her back and onto the
her; it was only a small matter grey tail alone was enough to fresh snow, she felt the wolf ’s
to get her back into Mommy. keep her hands busy while the tallywhacker pulse vigorously
Palin dislocated her jaw, fitting helicopter positioned itself above [8]. Palin rode the wave
Bristol’s head down her gaping her quarry. A sizeable male— momentarily before steeling
maw while she slept [2]. Once just what she was looking for. In herself for the path ahead. She
inside, she could no longer a motion she had practiced for pulled a knife out and, while
scream. The process continued decades, she ripped all of her the wolf was distracted in its
noiselessly [3]. She found the clothes off and presented herself, sexual ecstasy, she sliced off its
resolve to keep shoving her turning her rectum towards it willy with one chop, leaving its
down in the knowledge that teen in what she believed would be engorged wolfhood forever stuck
pregnancy was far too terrible a friendly display. The wolf inside her [9] [10].
a fate to allow her daughter growled and circled in closer. Editors’ Note: this is a
to suffer. She had to take the With deft maneuvering Palin highbrow commentary on society
burden upon herself. When got its snout directly positioned
Bristol’s water broke she had to between her spread legs [6].
lay there while she pounded on It snaked its tongue out and
her mother’s ovaries trying to circled its way around the rim
wake her up. Todd walked in of her rectum. All she needed
on them just as Bristol’s head now was to make sure it made
was crowning out of Palin [4], its way into the place she most
and she decided then and there desperately needed filled. Her
that that would be the best time patience paid off. After applying
to announce her presidential a vigorous licking campaign
ambitions to her husband. to the area directly adjacent to
Home again, in the only place her anus, the beast pressed his
in the world where the moose meaty member against her wet
conch [7]. Her latest conquest
was not one for waiting, and

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Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

Literary Commentary on Sarah Palin

[1] The association of meat with Spanish Armada. landscape and Palin’s vivacious
sexual desire is a repeated motif [5] The subtle usage of end appetite.
throughout the piece. rhyme emphasises two major [9] Derived from the 19th
[2] Dislocation of the jaw brings themes of the work: the century “tallywag,” this British
to mind predatory snakes, a psychosocial, and the vaginal. diction adds a layer of comic
reference to the serpent of Eden. [6] Throughout the piece, Palin relief.
[3] The emphasis on silence is a takes sexual initiative, rejecting [10] As we move through
postmodern feminist reflection traditionalist norms of feminine life, every person we form
on the subordination of women subordination. a meaningful bond with—
characteristic of extreme social [7] The colloquial usage of friend, lover, wolf—leaves an
conservatism. “member” for “penis” derives indelible mark on our emotional
[4] The usage of “crowning” from the Latin membrum virile. landscapes. Though Sarah may
both refers to the physical act of [8] Blood is contrasted with move on from her lupine trysts,
birth and alludes to the historic snow in both color and the blood and flesh embedded
English city of Bristol, which temperature; it symbolizes the within her endures as a symbol
in 1588 contributed 3 ships to dichotomy of the harsh Artic of vitality and hope.
the Royal Navy fleet to fight the

White Liberal Shocked by America’s Bigotry
Local straight white liberal “My country is better than an alleged sexual assaulter on
Matthew Warren declared ripping kids away from their the bench,” he said. “How can
himself utterly shocked at how loving families and sticking our country just let someone
much America has regressed them in internment camps,” he like that into such an important
and deteriorated with regards continued furiously, seemingly position? It’s like women’s voices
to national rhetoric surrounding unaware of American slavery, don’t even matter.”
race, gender, and sexuality. the cultural genocide of Native After addressing trans erasure
“This is by far the worst Americans, and Executive and Vice President Pence’s
our country has ever been,” Order 9066. “This never rampant homophobia, Matthew
Matthew said. Previously, would’ve happened under reportedly compared Trump to
he had been so upset by the Obama!” Voldemort.
2016 presidential election Later that day, Matthew “I’m just shocked,” Matthew
that he wrote not one but two was heard in the library said again. “I hate to say it, but
emotional Facebook posts complainging to a group of I think America might have
the day after. “Disregarding female friends about Justice some problems.”
basic human rights is simply Kavanaugh. “I can’t believe
unamerican.” our Supreme Court now has

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Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Quiz: Where Did You Apply Early Decision?

Hey, Brandeis people! Take this fun little quiz and we’ll tell you which school you Ed’ed to.

#1 What’s your favorite vine? d.) I want free alcohol, an excuse to yell, and an
a.) “I’m lesbian.” “I thought you were American.” easy way to purchase friends.
b.) I have the power of GOD and ANIME on my e.) Yes, I study Classics
side
c.) What up I’m Jared I’m 19 and I never fucking #6 Did you date before college?
learned how to read!!!! a.) I dated a girl for 3 months, but thought we were
d.) 2 bros!!!! Chilling in a hot tub!!!! 5 feet apart cuz just friends...
they’re not GAY. b.) No.
e.) Is there anything better than pussy?? Yes, a c.) I still don’t...
really good book!!! d.) People at my high school couldn’t handle my
towering intellect.
#2 Are you Jewish or Asian? e.) Yes.
a.) Why can’t we be all-inclusive? Latinx, Jxwish,
Asixn, Wxman, X-Men? #7 Do you support the state of Israel?
b.) Jewish on my dad’s side, so not halachically a.) Israel doesn’t exist.
c.) Jewish b.) Anti-Zionism isn’t Anti-Semitism.
d.) Asian c.) I have a Netanyahu poster above my bed.
e.) Jewish on my bread’s side, so not challahically d.) Jews? Ew.
e.) I love deep dish pizza bagels.
#3 Was your female tour guide hot?
a.) Yes! #8 Is Ron Liebowitz doing a good job? (paid for
b.) She was amazing but I had the feeling I you and brought to you by Ron Liebowitz)
wouldn’t have a chance. a.) Yes.
c.) No. b.) Yes.
d.) Just did an interview (with my uncle) c.) Yes.
e.) No, she was actually below freezing temperature d.) Yes.
e.) RIP Flagel.
#4 Do you need help?
a.) No, I can shatter glass ceilings by myself ! If you received mostly As, you EDed to Wellesley.
b.) With my homework? If you received mostly Bs, you EDed to Tufts.
c.) Yes but the counseling center is 5 weeks If you received mostly Cs, you EDed to Brandeis
overbooked. (so you’re probably an athlete).
d.) That would imply mental inferiority and I am If you received mostly Ds, you EDed to Harvard.
above that If you received mostly Es, you EDed to Uchicago.
e.) My therapist needs therapy.

#5 Are you interested in Greek life?
a.) I’m a lesbian.
b.) Yes.
c.) No

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Gravity Magazine Fall 2018
especially curvy squirrels. Mean-
Frats Return to Greek Roots while, the pledges, naked, began
BREAKING NEWS: the Jewish ing another shitty toga-party or to tear down the Jewish Chapel
Chapel is currently in ruins and a desperate hookah and hum- brick by brick with their bare
Brandeis Gravity Magazine got mus attraction. What it actually hands. Luckily, Ron Liebowitz
the latest scoop. We are right was...was certainly innovative for arrived shouting war cries in He-
on the scenes looking at now the frats compared to their past brew at the top of his lungs and
yet another ada-noncompliant activities, but still reliably lacking armed with one of the Lights of
building wait, this just in, the originality, considering it was al- Reason he had uprooted from
chapel was like that before it’s ready done literally millenia ago. the ground. He attempted to
destruction. Anyway: At 70 minutes passed midnight, swerve and hit the fleeing frat
Last night the fraternities all the fraternities, spearheaded by members with a hijacked Sodexo
posted on their facebook that in AEPi, banded together outside golf cart. Thanks to his arrival,
response to the low turnout for campus and marched chanting most of the western wall of the
pledges from the previous semes- Greek folk songs under a flag of chapel has been saved.
ter, they were going to “return to torn frat-sweatshirts super-glued
their roots” as a publicity stunt. together to Chapel’s Field. Once
No one could be quite sure what there, the brothers cheered and
they meant by that laconic state- drank moonshine and vodka
ment. Most people were suspect- from plastic bottles and catcalled

21

Fall 2018 Gravity Magazine

Kavanaugh Releases Dungeons and Dragons
Records to Prove his Innocence

Washington, DC—As the “That night,” Mr. Kavanaugh the rest of the week in my room
Senate Judiciary hearing continued, “my comrades and I playing Super Mario.”
between Supreme Court had just entered Suderham, the The accused’s continued
Nominee Brett Kavanaugh and haven of the slave lords. I played testimony on his knowledge
numerous accusers rages on, Mr. as Etasvei, a noble halfling who of X-men comics, Star Trek,
Kavanaugh has released a new possessed great magical skills, and Tolkein all cast doubt on
argument on why he did not such as moderate beer drinking. whether he ever had sex in the
commit sexual assault: he was Despite his rash nature, he was first place. The final verdict
playing D&D in his basement at keen to find and assassinate the was that nobody who claimed
the time. slavers who resided under the to speak the Elvish language,
“You see,” stated Mr. Drachensgrab mountain, for Quenya, fluently could have
Kavanaugh as he rose to address they had enslaved his younger intercourse with anything
the judge, “at 1 AM the day brother, Calendar. The thrill besides a waifu pillow. However,
of the alleged assault, I was of the campaign caused my Democrats persisted in doubting
in the middle of a raid with entire group to lose track of his ability to join the Supreme
my buddies. I have failed to time on that Saturday night, Court, demanding “How can
discuss this matter so far due and therefore I had no time to we trust someone who believes
to the stigma surrounding such attempt non-consentual coitus that Wolverine is the best
alternative hobbies. Many of my during this day. Besides,” he X-man to demonstrate unbiased
GOP supporters would shudder stated with a modest chuckle, judgement?” At which point
to learn that during my youth, I “I seldom attended social Kavanaugh exploded in a long
engaged in quests and exploring gatherings, such as parties, and vitriolic diatribe about how
dungeons with my fellow as the football kids teased me none of this is fair and to even
adventurers. Nonetheless, these relentlessly for my scrawny question Wolverine’s supremacy
fallacious claims have forced me posture and horrendous acne. is grounds for treason against the
to disclose the genuine nature of During my ‘beach week,’ I built nation.
my adolescence to our nation.” a sand replica of Helm’s Deep.
Unfortunately, after a couple of
hours, I got a sunburn and spent

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Gravity Magazine Fall 2018

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