Gravity (Spring 2022)

Gravity

He's only human.
When he wants to be..

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Table of Contents

Ledditor 3 Special anks To:
Gravity Totally Cool with e Hoot’s April Fools Article 4 Brandeis dining workers
Work Study Abroad Programs (especially the one guy that
New Brandeis COVID Guidelines 4 says “Ah, hello my friend!”), the
DCL To Fill Empty Spot in Your Suite with an Actual Gorilla 5 other Shapiros, my neighbors
Amazon Purchase Crashes Dining Hall Economy 6 who don’t have loud sex, the
Hoot Demon Summoners, e Justice Conspiracy Revealed? 6 guy who I make awkward eye
Down With the Bite Designers! 7 contact with every day, SAGE,
You Have a Major Fetish
Your Worst Nightmare Lives in the First Floor East Closet 8 Schdl.net(skittle? shitell?), Ron
Brandeis Unveils New “Hate Week” Initiative 8 Liebowitz (for having the most
Brandeis Pacts 9 generic, photoshoppable face)
My Mental State is the State of My Computer
Professor Quotes 10 No anks To:
Kiwi Kuestion & Kuanswer Kolumn Sodexo (bye!), e Justice, e
Unbreakable Bond Formed Between Kiwi Bot and Student 11 Hoot, Workday (please bye),
Are you ready to take a life? 11 BranVans pulling away as I run
Kiwibots Shown to Reactivate Primal Urges 12 towards them, Trés Shits, gluten
I am Become Rage, Destroyer of Kiwi Bots 14 intolerance (glutens are people,
New Program Automatically Assigns You to Classes With Your Ex 14
20 Best Places to Cry on Campus
a deep dive into how the bowling economy stays a oat (PLEASE READ) 15 too), lactose intolerance (eh,
(URGENT) (RESPONSES NEEDED) 16 they’re alright)
To Catch a Cold 16
Brandeis Students Protest Forced Removal of Snow
Celebrities and Why ey Would Have Beef with Brandeis 17
Can You Live in the Brandeis Library?
Gravity, My Moon 17
Invasion of the KGB
18 Gravity was founded in 1990
by Noel Rappin ‘93, Mathew
19 Cohe ‘93, and Jason Schneider
20 ‘93. All content © 2022 to its
21 respective creators. Gravity
22 retains the right to reprint all
content, including electronic
23 reproductions. Violators will be
24 violated.

OUR STAFF

Abigael Good Forgetitor-in-Chief Leora Kelsey Resident Fan c Writer
Jesse Rips Editor-in-Elderly Miles Goldstein Brother-in-christ
Harvey Sugiuchi Omer Barash Yodeler
Emma Fiesinger Multimedia Mutilator Vincent Lian
Kaija Grisham Library Correspondent Aditi Bhattacharya Kiwi Bot Anthropologist
Philip Bard Kaija “the Spell Check” Grisham Zachary Zhang Light of our Life
Alyssa Knudsen Garrett Tordo
Tarah Sleight Instigator Pa Camara Guest Kiwi Bot Hater
Banned from Instagram Guest Kiwi Bot Hater

Knows Philip’s Sister KGB Agent

2

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Letter From the Editors

Dear Losers (affectionate) (derogatory),

As we bid goodbye to this trash fire of a magazine, it’s time to reflect on our two years of
dictatorship. It’s been two years of gatekeeping (both the most wholesome and most offensive
jokes), gaslighting (A-board into giving us money), and girlbossing (a room mostly full of queer
people with undercuts into producing content). Two years of our listserv witnessing our weekly
existential crises that make every alum still on the list email back “Can you remove me?” Two
years of enabling Harvey’s fabulously obscene Liebowitz edits. Two years of composing a diss
track in response to the Brandeis Confessions post that told us to grow up (we’re still working on
it… both the diss track and growing up).

We came into this dictatorship making fun of Trump. We worried about what we could possibly
make jokes about once there was a new president, but thankfully, COVID came along and
fucked everything up. Then, when we began to run out of COVID content, a new challenger
approached: the kiwi bots. So even though we have no idea what the next generation of
Gravitiers will write about now that Sodexo is leaving, we trust the universe to provide the chaos
necessary for true comedy. Also, it’s no longer our problem. Suck it Harvey.

Our leditor wouldn’t be complete without acknowledging our beloved enemy, The Hoot. We’ll
miss our whiteboard conversations almost as much as we’ll miss Sodexo. We wish you the worst
of luck in acquiring the equestrian club’s horses.

Finally, one last time, for all the times we forgot to chant it during meetings: Fuck The Hoot,
fuck The Justice, tonight is about us!

And no, we will not take you off the listserv.

Worst regards (we regard you all as the worst),
Abi and Jesse
Editors-in-Chiefs

3

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Gravity Totally Cool with e Hoot’s April Fools Article

Dear The Hoot, aka The reprimand you for making fun get so many bitches you might as
Brandiez Toot, of The Justice in your article. well call us critically-acclaimed,
We did not read your stupid It’s extremely disrespectful to Ben Stiller-approved UTC
April Fools edition article about claim that a fellow Brandeis production Cabaret.
us. Frankly, we are way too cool publication sucks at their job, Finally, there was a mistake
to care if Brandeis’s second best the way you suck at your job. In in your article in the sentence
newspaper falsely claimed we the words of an extremely wise which bridges the first and
are shutting down. We are too anonymous poster on Brandeis second page: “When asked
busy being cool and not reading Confessions 2 on January 6, for comment on the satire
your slander (we can’t confirm 2020: “being mean isn’t comedy. magazine’s shutdown, Liebowitz
that it’s slander because again, please grow up.” abs Sarvey Hugiuchi ‘96 was
we haven’t read it, but it’s totally We would also like to contest the too busy admiring a picture of
slander). claim that we “get no b*tches” President Liebowitz to respond”
Aside from telling you that we (Farts Editor, 2). Again, we did (Farts Editor, 2). This sentence
did not read your article, we not read your article, we can’t makes no grammatical sense,
also wanted to inform you that even read, but we think that which is extremely humiliating
you misspelled every name you was a low blow, if you said it. for you, in our opinion. Just to
used in the article (so we were Also, lol you can’t print the word reiterate, we did not read your
told. Again, didn’t read it). “bitches” in your newspaper article, but we think you should
Embarrassing. lmaooooooooo. Losers. Also, we have proofread it.
In addition, we would like get so many bitches you might Insincerely,
to take this opportunity to as well call us PETA. We get so Gravity Magazine
many bitches you might as well (not dead) (rot in hell) (dni)
call us your mom’s house. We

Work Study Abroad Programs

These days, it seems like everyone’s Taliban: Get Behead of the the truly cash starved, we just ship
going on a study abroad program. Competition! you to Atlanta for a semester. If
But those are expensive, and the Politics Major with the Russian you tell enough people that it’s “the
old “sell ya plasma and orgasma” Federation: Come on, Rush-in, and birthplace of wine,” and drink to
can only get you so far, leaving the get Put-in a gulag, or try out our match that, you won’t be able to tell
sky high prices out of the reach of work-study program in Ukraine— the difference!*
many. Well, now with the “Peon” bullets not included. Colombia: Feel the wrath of the
Package from S.H.I.T. (School Has Communications Major with operators when you kick the kiwi
International Training), you too bots smuggling coke across the
can afford a study abroad program : Legally, we cannot say Loop Road border.
in one of the most repressive anything here. France: lmao (not a real country)
societies in the world. You’ve heard Culinary school in Tajikistan: Have *SHIT will not cover any damages
of liberal arts colleges, let us show you ever heard of Tajikistani food? from DUI’s, DIY’s, TMI’s, or STI’s
you the fascists! Neither have they. accumulated over the course of this
Experiential learning with the Chick Corea: The swankier cousin program.
of North. Ya like jazz?
Georgia (the American state): For

4

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

New Brandeis COVID Guidelines

Brandeis has instituted new spit into the passport checkers All private suite bathrooms
guidelines to make sure mouth. Proof of fever is will be closed; the only open
everyone gets COVID this required for a green passport. bathrooms on campus will
semester. This is definitely in Dining halls will look slightly be the communal ones in
the best interests of public different this semester. East. However, all laundry
health, Ron Liebowitz said Employees who have tested machines will double as toilets.
in the announcement for positive are preferred for staff Not sure what to do with your
the “Infectious Deisease cooking food in Sherman. At sweaty clothes? Consider
Spreading” program. Upper Usdan, you must open wringing them out as salad
New COVID testing every bag of food you see and dressing.
procedures will involve spit in it. Instead of self-serve In order to encourage
seductively spitting in a bars, you must lean over the attendance at frat parties,
pre-med student’s mouth food and breathe out heavily Brandeis will finally be
and having them make an over the item you want. recognizing Greek life. Each
educated guess. Instead of The workers will then take event must have at least
sending your boogers in for this as their cue to serve this 250 attendees crammed
testing, you must mail them to item to you with their bare into a broom closet. Will
Ron (for his collection). If you hands. After eating, you are they fit? We don’t care. You
have tested positive, you’re encouraged to be the spitoon are not allowed to gather
encouraged to shake hands sommelier for your dinner outside; if the event is not a
with everyone who enters party. superspreader event, it is not
the testing center, and you Don’t spit, swallow. allowed. For the love of God,
MUST make out with at least In the middle of each class stop being a social hermit
one roommate, with tongue, period you must switch masks and leave your room for once.
within twenty-four hours. with the person next to you. To encourage licking door
There will be a free These new guidelines will handles, the campus is excited
vaccination clinic, but instead also make the Students for to introduce a new flavored
of there being vaccines it’s Environmental Equity happy. door knob program. Collect
just people who tested positive For example, Health & Safety them all!
coughing on you. now suggests reusing and Finally, there is no Brandeis
Instead of showing a sharing your kleenex and Health Center. There has
passport you must now show vaccine needles. Covid testing never been a Brandeis Health
photographic proof of you swabs will also be reused. Save Center. There will never be a
licking one toilet that day. To the environment! Brandeis Health Center. Stop
get into the gym and some looking for it!
performances you must also

5

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

DCL To Fill Empty Spot in Your Suite with an Actual Gorilla

Waltham, MA — The bad typers, but your suitemate-to- please.” They also advised you all
Department of Community be still managed to communicate to “pull on your big boy pants and
Living has announced their that they feel a deep-seated suck it up.”
intention to fill the empty spot in disgust for humanity in general You also emailed a suggestion that
your suite with an actual gorilla. and the five of you in particular. your human friend who is coming
The situation began when a When the five of you emailed back from a semester abroad
beloved suitemate of yours DCL to ask if it is their policy to could perhaps take the space
explained that they have to move place wild animals in students’ instead. In response, DCL cited
out next semester for personal suites without first giving you section 74.6 of the contract you
reasons that have nothing to do a chance to meet and accept, all signed without reading when
with your habit of playing the reject, or housetrain the potential you got your suite, which reads
Prince of Egypt soundtrack at top candidate, DCL responded that “get fucked, lmao.”
volume at 2am every night. While they “are not always able to The gorilla is a politics major
the five of you left in Ziv 666 were follow-up with suites to see if they who loves throwing wild parties
still mourning their impending are able to pull a less dangerous on school nights, and never
absence, an email from your new option into the space” and that remembers to lock the door when
suitemate arrived. The email was “Community Living does have the using the bathroom, so good luck
a text-to-speech transliteration of right to use any vacant space and with that.
a roar, as gorillas are notoriously fuck over anyone however they

Amazon Purchase Crashes Dining Hall Economy
A particularly vindictive freshman As a prospective Business major $5.65 plus a genuine smile, which is an
crashed the dining hall economy this told Gravity, “By putting 5,000 new emotional burden the likes of which
weekend via an Amazon purchase container tokens into circulation, Brandeis students have never before
of 5,000 plastic tokens which the this student has completely devalued faced. And that’s saying a lot.
dining halls use as currency to redeem the token as a payment method. We
take out boxes. Innocent dining may as well be paying with roubles! When asked why they decided to crash
hall workers cowered in fear as the Anyway, I’m planning on turning the dining hall economy, this freshman
freshman walked into Sherman with a them into NFTs, I don’t know if responded that they simply wanted the
wheelbarrow of plastic gold coins and you’ve heard about NFTs but they are tokens to reflect the worthlessness of a
asked to redeem them for 5,000 green the future and I–” at which point I Brandeis education :)
boxes. countered that NFTs weren’t real. In
When challenged on the validity of response he began to cry, mumbled (Publisher’s note - NFT stands for non-
these tokens, the freshmen demanded something about Elon Musk, and then f*ckable token)
to be shown evidence that their tokens pissed his pants.
are of less pure plastic than the dining The now piss-soaked business major
hall’s accepted currency. As scientific had a point: because of this student’s
analysis proved that the amazon- purchase, the new price of a green
sources tokens are identical to take out container is now 20 tokens. The effect
box tokens in every way, the dining has rippled across the entire campus
hall was forced to accept the tokens in and now everything is simultaneously
exchange for take out boxes. more expensive and worth less; a
plain bagel from Einstein’s now costs

6

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Hoot Demon Summoners, e Justice Conspiracy

In a startling turn of events, prior. Some of the articles I’m has somehow still existed in
multiple members of Hoot have assigned to write aren’t even their records. As expected, DCL
been caught summoning demons supposed to happen for like a hasn’t responded but we expect
in the second secret basement month. that to mean they’ll get back in a
of Brandeis, moved after “The editors in charge have few centuries. Anon is assumed
complaints from the Lemberg been pretty clear, you either sell to have run away.
Children’s Center. your soul to the demons, and by The Justice could not be reached
This discovery was exposed after default The Hoot itself or you for a comment. Instead we
Gravity Spy [REDACTED] get put on the list of disgrace. I received a kindly written note
took yet another wrong turn can’t afford to get put on the list demanding that Gravity stop
while trying to find their way of disgrace. Besides, this is the further investigations into The
back from the bathroom and only way we can keep up with Justice’s success, lest they take
stumbled into a portal that had The Justice. They’ve got a deal the rivalry up another level.
appeared between Pomerantz with Satan going back to the The note was signed by what
and Hassenfeld. [REDACTED] 1850s. How do you think they’re appeared to be an archaic and
found themself in a dark still around? This is the only way misspelled take on Santa.
chamber filled with a massive to keep up. You can’t tell anyone Fortunately, it appears that
pentagram, several goats, and about this though. I don’t want Gravity’s source of articles—a
a large assortment of Hoot to vanish.” thousand monkeys with
Members (recognized by hours When Gravity returned to typewriters locked in the first
of reconnaissance and not the attempt to ask Anon follow-up basement under the SCC—
‘Member of The Brandeis Hoot’ questions, they discovered that still remains secret, which was
capes they were all wearing). the student had apparently never honestly all this investigation was
The Hoot members appeared existed. Naturally, Gravity went about.
to be offering the goats to a dark to DCL to ask if at least Anon
eerie figure and receiving flash
drives containing articles in
return.

[REDACTED] took the logical
option and kidnapped a member
of The Hoot Newspaper and
interrogated them.

“Listen, it’s not like I have much
of a choice,” Anon Amous,
ex-member of The Hoot and
current captive of Gravity, said.
“I’m expected to write like 20
articles a day and have them
edited and approved a week

7

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Down With e Bite Designers!

It’s a Monday night! You’re worse than starving, but Bite has Now proposing the Brighter
tired! Your professors added got your back! Biter Proposal! Gravity has a
homework due before class at Right? brilliant new idea: making the
2 am last night and forgot to WRONG! developers who programmed
tell everyone! Then they failed Right as you’re about to press this crap use the Bite App for
everyone and gave you detention submit, the screen goes black. every meal! It won’t solve your
for ‘being a bad influence’! An error message pops up (Bite problems and it certainly won’t
It took all of your lunch decided to frame you for murder. get you food, but at least you
break!Then you remembered No food for you, MURDERER)! will suffer knowing that the
you’re no longer in high school Your phone starts screaming developers are suffering with
right in time for your 7 hour and you’re forced to drown it in you.
class. (Also Sherman gave you a cup of water to make it stop. Use this QR code to sign the
food poisoning, but what did you When you pull your phone out, petition.
expect trying that overcooked it’s dead! This is the life of a
toast?) All you want is food! Brandeis student.
Usdan closes in 5 minutes and But does it have to be?
you only have seconds to spare!
You pull out Bite because it’s
your only hope! Sherman is

You Have a Major Fetish

hOrNy???????? French and Francophone Research)
Get bent SSIS; this is our job Studies - Non-tasteful erotica Neuroscience - Hypnokink
now. Why don’t you go throw Environmental Studies - Philosophy - Gets real
condoms on the floor to feel Furries depressed half-way through sex
better about it? European Cultural Studies Physics - Suspension
- Ménage à trois Politics - Pegging
American Studies - Feet German Studies - Sadism PreMed - Masochism
Art History - Self-cest Health: Science Society and Psychology - Whatever the fuck
Biology - Tentacle porn Policy - Needle/blood play Freud was into
Business - Cuckolding History - Dungeons Sociology - Orgy
Chemistry - Latex Independent Studio Art - Wax play
Classical Studies - Interdisciplinary Major - Theater Arts - Exhibitionism
Monsterfucker “Omg stopppp I am not sub!! I’m Women’s, Gender and
Computer Science - a switch! I swear!!” Sexuality Studies - Edging
COSI 164A: Introduction International and Global
to 3D-Animation (with Prof. Studies - Mile high club If your major isn’t on here, you
Hickey) Linguistics - Oral can call SSIS to get your fetish
Econ - Findom Mathematics - Premarital eye assigned to you.
Creative Writing - Erotica contact
English - “Tasteful” erotica Music - Sounding (Do Not

8

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Your Worst Nightmare Lives in the First Floor East Closet

Some of you may know of the closet to find the first floor. This is sadly not The white mist of my breath begins to
on the first floor of East. Probably unusual for me. What is unusual is coalesce into a familiar wrinkly face:
few of you have ever opened that that when I finally find the closet and Carl J Shapiro himself, dressed in a
mysterious door and gazed into its wrestle with the key to get it open— suite of old checks.
terrifying depths. For those of you who ignoring the fact that it is absolutely “Oh. Uh. Hey, dude,” I say. “Do you
feel strong enough to face the darkness radiating malice—the lights don’t know where the Gravity stuff is?”
that looms in the unearthly hallways work. I imagine the wires were chewed Carl J Shapiro’s unearthly eyes bore
of Hassenfeld, let my story act as a through by whatever lives in the into me. “No… but I will gladly give
warning for you. accessible bathroom. you as much money as your club
It is a beautiful day, and I am the It is pitch dark, and contrary to the requires… if you will do me the simple
innocent (okay, sort of guilty of several size I had imagined, the storage space favor… of naming your publication
horrendous articles) editor-in-chief stretches back into the darkness as far after me.”
of Gravity. I’ve been meaning to as I can see. I consider turning around “Shapiro Magazine?”
get around to checking out the stuff and going back to my cozy Ziv, but The spirit’s diaphanous body bobs up
Gravity has had in storage for about unfortunately, at this point I still have and down.
two years. And today I am finally so pride. I consider it. “Yeah, no thanks.”
desperate to procrastinate my essay I backtrack to the laundry room near He screams the dying screams of
for my Giving a Hoot About Justice: the closet and ask the girl currently generations of Brandeis donors, the
Immorality in Journalism class that taking her laundry out of the dryer tearing of a thousand checks, the
this seems like the logical thing to if I can borrow her phone to use as clanging of a million bank accounts.
do with my day. So I set off across a flashlight. For some God forsaken Phantom dollar bills whip around us,
campus, unaware of the dangers I will reason, she agrees. Holding a giving me papercut after papercut.
soon face. borrowed phone whose light barely As each one clips through Carl’s
At the DCL office in Usdan I ask for penetrates the darkness, I venture into desiccated spirit, a little more of him
the key to the East closet. The girl the unknown. is lost to the darkness, until there is
at the help desk’s face turns pale as On either side of me, shelves holding nothing left but a whiff of wealth and
she stares at me and asks, “Are you… the forgotten detritus of generations the essence of old man.
sure?” of Brandeis clubs rise up to the And that’s it—until the next time
This does not register with me, ceiling. Piles of boardgames. Theater Brandeis is desperate enough for a new
because I don’t expect DCL people to costumes. Shriveled heads, probably. building to bargain with the unearthly
be helpful. “Yep,” I say, and sign out I don’t see the Gravity items I came thing that lives there. So I trek back
the key. for. I keep walking. I am now passing out, lock up, and give the confused
I pass Skyline, cross the road, and equipment for clubs I’m sure do not laundry girl her phone back.
walk over the pasta spilled on the and have never existed. Since when “Bruh, what the fuck was that,” she
steps down to the sunken valley that is was there a fan club for The Hoot? says.
East. The symbolism of the sad, pale There is a sound just below my
carbs being smushed under my boots hearing range like raspy whispers.
does not hit me. I reach that crucible I can’t tell how far back this closet
of sophomore (and now first-year) goes—I’m no longer sure it ever ends.
suffering: Hassenfeld. My phone The light from the doorway is just a
battery dies from the rancid vibes as bright speck behind me.
soon as I cross the threshold. It is at this point that I feel a faint yet
Somehow, even though East is just oppressive presence. My breath clouds
a series of long hallways with no in front of me. The air smells like old
branches, I manage to get lost trying dollar bills fresh out of a leather wallet.

9

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Brandeis Unveils New “Hate Week” Initiative

In response to the smashing and by encouraging students buying a V for Vendetta poster
success of Kindness Day and to post anonymous confessions online.
overwhelming desire to just go targeting specific people, The biggest thing coming to
apeshit, Brandeis University Instagram and Facebook posts Brandeis this Hate Week? New
has unveiled its newest plan: have greatly increased. t-shirts, of course! Graphic
Hate Week. “Yeah no I think it’s great, for designer Francisco France
“Well, after all the positive sure. There’s this one asshole excitedly unveiled his new
energy, we needed to do in my politics class that won’t design at this week’s committee
something to balance it out,” shut up, and it’s great that I meeting. “I wanted to stick
explained Margaret Thatcher- can finally put him on blast,” with something we’re all
Roof, the newest member of remarked Jordan Sonpeters familiar with, so I went with
the Hate Week Committee. while furiously typing out a something simple. Blue shirt,
“Instead of Kindness Cards, “God fuck you saddam insane white text, I am the Hate that
we’re letting people write @ saddaminsane69@brandeis. Love Cannot Stop,” he said, to
Hate Mail. Who doesn’t love edu” on Brandeis Confessions, a room of thunderous applause
opening their mailbox to find it Now with 60% Less Spam as he projected his CustomInk
overflowing with death threats Filter. account onto the screen.
and possibly raw chicken from The student standing right “We’re not supposed to talk
Sherman?” next to Sonpeters, Augusto about things we like, since we
“Yeah, I’ve been telling people Pinocchio, had something to don’t want to be reminded
for a while now that we need say about that. “I think that’s of Kindness Day, but I really
a day dedicated to the human a cowardly move, honestly. like these shirts,” confessed
capacity for cruelty,” remarked If there’s someone you don’t Majority Taylor Greene,
Paul Pot, International Global like, just beat their ass right in visiting professor of Women’s,
Studies major. “Brandeis has a the middle of the SCC. Fuck Gender and Sexuality Studies.
very low rate of violence, aside orientation jazzercise, let’s have “They’re so blue, and yeah, I
from the bomb threat in 2017 a cage fight.” am the Hate that Love Cannot
and the other bomb threat in “We’re always expected to Stop. It’s perfect!”
2020. And besides, those were be kind. Kindness Day is just Overall, it looks like Hate Week
just threats.” a way to make us do what will be just as successful, if not
What else can students do to we were already doing. Hate more so, than Kindness Day.
participate in spreading hate, Week, on the other hand is a So, dear reader, you should
other than slamming doors in revolution; it gives us that good, watch your back. You can’t
peoples faces and community sweet catharsis for a way longer escape Gravity, after all.
disservice? Brandeis’s answer amount of time. Have you ever
is cyberbullying. Brandeis’ heard of the Purge movies?”
social media engagement has commented Alex “Medium
been on a downward trend, Daddy” Jones, in the process of

10

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Brandeis Pacts: 15+ More Ways to Meet Your Eligible Cutie ;)

Brandeis divorce pact Brandeis snack pact (Now with 15% Brandeis Brandeis pact: you actually
Brandeis arch enemies pact more nuts!) have to go to brandeis lmao
Brandeis business rivals pact Brandeis sack pact (Now with 100% Brandeis lactaid pact: iykyk
Brandeis points daddy pact more nuts!) Brandeis Tres Habaneros sh*ts pact
Brandeis enemies to lovers pact Brandeis: the pact that smiles back– Brandeis IBS pact (the school or the
Brandeis not knowing if you know Goldfish! stomach issue? We won’t tell ;))
each other well enough that should Brandeis crack pact (you show each Brandeis Gen. Chem. pact (Gen.
wave at each other when you pass by other your butt cracks) Chem freshmen polycule)
each other on campus pact Brandeis marriage park (you steal Brandeis Josh Peck pact (pls remove
Brandeis expressing interest in a each other’s parking spots) the restraining order Josh i love you)
club, going to one meeting, and then Brandeis action packed (a fun new Brandeis Covid pact (if I get covid
never going or talking to you again version of Brandeis where people are I spit in ur hand and we suffer
pact actually good at socializing) together)
Brandeis blood pact Brandeis inappropriate LinkedIn Brandeis conservatives pact (you
Brandeis kidney pact (You exchange request pact (Handshake is for the both transfer out)
them, it’s like one of those friendship real players) Brandeis are we
necklaces with the split heart! :) Brandeis rejected from the same distant cousins pact???
(requires matching blood type) improv group pact (matches up #jewishgeography #donotflirt
Brandeis death pact (You exchange people who aren’t funny) #whatifwekissedunderthesukkah
kidneys but it’s the wrong blood type) Brandeis rejected from the same #donttellzayde
Brandeis surrogate decision maker acapella group pact Brandeis Trip-Sitter Pact (wanna trip
pact (in a coma? no problem! ;)) balls but you’re alone? Join this pact)

My Mental State is the State of My Computer
It’s 3 am, and there’s an unearthly I have taken to growling and biting at I tried having them fix it, they told
shrieking in the air. I am awake. random passersby. I don’t have time me they would have to take it in to
So is my computer. Neither of us to do my assignments. I don’t have do repairs. It felt like a stale request.
are coherent. The homework is still time to email my professors. I also Naturally I couldn’t let them do it so
incomprehensible. don’t have time to sleep. I don’t have i snatched my computer (and all their
My computer has been dying on me. time to eat. What is eating anyway? mice) and ran from the office. Then
I have been rejected from eduroam Eating is for people with teeth and that evening, i stole all the lightbulbs
three times and now am being social skills. from my dorm room. That’ll show
forced to use, horror of all horrors, My dorm mates have started em.
“brandeis open.” It squeaks. It moans. running away when they see me. My Now I sit cackling in the dark of my
It randomly shuts down and insists I classmates… we don’t talk about my dorm room. Staring at the beautiful
need to sign in using Bitlocker Bitcoin. classmates, do we darling? Those white kaleidoscope screen that
Then it tells me it needs to restart. nasty curve killing demons. They flickers and sends out constant error
When I restart it it tells me that all my asked for it. Do you want to know? messages.
data has been lost. Welp, better restart No? Probably for the best. You I am my computer and my computer
all my assignments. wouldn’t like it. No deary. Not in the is me. Disturb my precious and I will
It’s the middle of midterms and least. bite your face off.
massive assignments. All my When I tried complaining to my Grablehfor. Dhegakfjt!
professors keep assigning double therapist, they told me that i should Eheiabd Rhsjsj
the homework. I don’t have time to try and get my computer fixed at
sleep. I am on edge, Microsoft Edge. the university help desk. Only when

11

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Professor Quotes

I want a date, heh heh, I want an Homosexuals were just, to quote If you ever get a therapist named
actual date… —BIO Lady Gaga, “born this way.” Mira, drop her immediately. —
It’s like, are you a jerk, or are you —ENGL ENGL
stupid? I don’t know which is the I don’t know much about–what do Never talk about your sex life unless
kinder thing to say. you call them? Children. The little it’s humiliating. —ENGL
—NEJS things that run around. —ENGL You know, what surprised me about
babies is how undercooked they are
I’ve never had an issue with What is the opposite of a cute, when they come out. —PSYC
academic integrity, but I also have a adorable kitten? Joseph Stalin. — Niagara Falls: created by the
terrible memory. —POL LGLS Department of Defense from a
bunker in Mississippi. —POL
I would say there are about eight Questions, comments, declarations
women in California. —HS of Ukrainian nationalism? —POL

I don’t want to take credit, but I I started driving across Kansas 10 It’s important, it’s meaningful, but
will. —HS years ago and now I’ll never not be it doesn’t turn me on.
Earned income can be good, but driving across Kanvas. —NPSY
then you actually have to earn that —POL All the behavior geneticists
income. —HS Oops, I tripped and did a genocide. make their yearly pilgrimage to
Imagine being so annoying that no —POL Scandinavia. —NPSY
one wants to rob or murder you.
—ENGL You’re young enough to be my You’re happy, you do your little
I knew someone in college named grandchildren. Aren’t you glad flossing dance inside the lab…
Belcher. Another friend of mine you’re not? Call your parents and —BIO
married him. I told her it was a thank them. —CLAS Now I know why people say PKD
mistake, and I was right. —CLAS It was less ‘workers of the world for “Philip K. Dick;” it’s because
I hate LATTE. I’m not good at unite’ and more ‘oh my God, what they don’t want to keep saying
it. Those two facts are probably are they putting in my hotdog? — Dick. —ENG
related. —NEJS AMST This person has not been poisoned
Sadomasochists of the world unite, She’s 16, diabetic, and we adopted by postmodernity and I don’t know
you have nothing to lose but your her after her owner died of Covid. what cave they’re living in. —NEJS
chains! —POL So yeah, I’m kinda a hero. —POL God created the world of fish! But
Was King David gay? I promise You can cite ‘My Big Fat Greek they were too violent, he had to
this will not be the only time we Wedding’ in papers now, it has destroy it. —NEJS
address this question. —NEJS been established in lecture. If you thought this story was
Of course they’re mythological —POL disappointing, get ready for life.
because the men are naked there. Every time you say “no homo,” —ENGL
—RUS you are actually implying homo.
—NEJS

12

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Professor Quotes

There are a lot of walls in China. in the banana. —NPSY all that, but also talking to women!
—POL Sometimes you leak pus. Wow! Revolutionary! —NEJS
Of course this word means ‘rib’ —NEJS This is a very not gay—not gay!—
everywhere else, so why would it Well, he’s surrounded by lizards, icon of Peter and Paul. —NEJS
mean ‘penis bone’ here? [shrugs] so… —ENG You’re talking to the woman with
Penis bone! —NEJS Me bringing up Korean skincare a book jacket that says ‘Human
Now, we could talk about foot is a marker of me being a white Sacrifice and Cannibalism,’ so I
fetishes, but it doesn’t have to go millennial. —NEJS always get my own seat on the bus.
that way. —CLAS —CLAS

One of the hidden victims of the Mao was like Stalin 2: East Asia Genesis 28, where Jacob says
pandemic is professors who can’t Boogaloo, or something like that. to God, ‘I’ll pray to you, and
remember faces or names… with —POL you’ll take care of my ass.’ I’m
these masks, I’m just gonna call you Let’s forget about the paper, and paraphrasing of course.
all “Chris.” —POL let’s talk about trauma. —PSYC —CLAS
This guy is deeply homophobic, Speaking of driver’s licenses, I I didn’t come out of the womb
but also really creative. —NEJS don’t have one. You didn’t hear wanting to kill my brothers; it took
One of my life goals is to be that. I don’t have a birth certificate time! —CLAS
accused of scientific hooliganism. either. —POL In 1000 years, Taylor Swift may
—POL Not everyone would agree with me, be viewed in the same way that we
That’s what scared me the but they’re wrong and I’m right, for view Sappho. —CLAS
most: drinking three gallons of what it’s worth. —NEJS People need to stop emailing me or
frappuccino. —ENGL Don’t worry, we’ll get you your I’ll murder them. —CLAS
It’s a sign that hey, I’m an adult, meds soon. —MUS A person had to sell their kidney?
time to have some sex and lay some And we will vote on principle That’s the free market. —ENG
eggs. —ENVS because we believe in democracy Connecticut’s just awful. —CLAS
I don’t want anyone to write a in this class. I dictate by fiat that we Do you want to talk about feet? I
poem about my feet, I don’t care believe in democracy! Ha. was obsessed with feet about 10
how in love with me you are. —POL years ago. —CLAS
—THA We are moving on to the New
I haven’t thought about serotonin Testament. I am so sorry. Have a professor prone to outrageous
in a while. —PSYC —NEJS statements? Share their quotes with
You don’t have to teach kids about Ah, the moon. Can’t trust it with us at [email protected]! Be a
death, they find it.” anything. —POL friend and let us enjoy their lectures
—PSYC Jesus was such a progressive dude! as much as you do :) Think you’re
All human speech sounds are found Not only being the messiah and funnier than any professor? Join
Gravity next semester!
13

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Kiwi Kuestion & Kwanswer Kolumn

Q: Are Kiwi bots capable of Q: Hypothetically, if I attached Q: Are kiwibots related to the
emotion? a fleshlight to a Kiwi Bot bird?
A: They are capable of (hypothetically, of course), A: *sounds of a struggle;
incandescent rage. would that be sick or what punches being thrown*
Q: How many Kiwi Bots are (hypothetically)? Q: Is it weird if I like the hairy
there? A: Yes B=D texture of a kiwi’s skin?
A: Eight, they’re in a Q: Where do Kiwi Bots come A: what
polyamorous relationship. from? Q: Are you a robot?
Q: Will there be a Kumquat A: When a Ki and a Wi love
Bot? each other very much… A: rot in Hell
A: That’s next gen and the Q: Does yellow snow taste like *This column is dedicated to the late
subscription will cost 3 trillion lemonade? Reverend Kev Kev, RIP
British Pounds. A: BEEP BOOP BEEP

Q: What happens if I kick a kiwi Q: What happens when you get
bot? hit by a Kiwi Bot?
A: Fuck around and find out :) A: You become one of us,
br0th3r.

Unbreakable Bond Formed Between Kiwi Bot and Student Who Helped It
Onto the Sidewalk
Waltham, MA—An unlikely bond surounding humans to notice its wheels onto the sidewalk. “I could
between human and robot formed plight. feel it vibrating under my hands
on Brandeis’ campus this week when Hugh Janus was on their way to like any other living being,” they
sophomore Hugh Janus took a few class and walked past the branch recalled. “And when I was done,
minutes out of their day to help out of the sidewalk where Kiwi Bot #5 the words ‘thank you’ flashed on its
a Kiwi Bot. was crying piteously. Naturally, they screen. We shared a real moment
“I used to think people who stopped to take a brief Snapchat of connection that surpassed
personified Kiwi Bots as being video to immortalize its pain. But boundaries like ‘human’ and ‘made
cute and having personalities were then they saw another student in a factory to deliver food.’”
dumb,” Janus told Gravity in an walk right past the bot without This heartening moment of robot
exclusive interview. But that was acknowledging its cries for help, and acceptance will surely inspire others
before Janus heard the keening, suddenly it wasn’t funny any more. on campus to recognize Kiwi Bots
all-too-human reee of distress of “I knew then that it was my as friends.
Kiwi Bot #5 requesting assistance. responsibility to help it,” Janus said. “This is my son now,” Janus told
The unfortunate robot had rolled Using their extraordinary ability Gravity, with a hand on Kiwi Bot
partially off the sidewalk, which to stand half on and half off #5’s food hatch.
tipped it just enough so that one of the sidewalk without becoming Kiwi Bot #5’s only comment was
its wheels was no longer in contact immobilized, Janus lifted Kiwi Bot “�_�.
with the ground. Helpless and #5 just enough to shift all of its
vulnerable, it spun its wheels in vain,
occasionally using its siren to beg 14

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Are You Ready to Take a Life?

We all know the scenario, you’re “Could I?” you think. own separate violent murder
chilling with 3-25 close friends “It’s ok,” you whisper to yourself, fantasies then it’s a pretty good shot
when suddenly someone brings up as you silently cry into your flat, that you are ready to murder. If
the idea to rank everyone based generic seltzer after everyone’s left. you said no…… Freak.
on how fast they would die in the And I’m here to tell you that we Step three: Ask yourself, “Am I a
Hunger Games. Classic. You feel have all been here and it is ok. We stupid loser bitch?”
pretty good about your chances. here at the Gravity Magazine have So look, it’s already kinda shameful
You hike, maybe ski, have shot developed a simple method for that you have gotten this far. Like
a bow and arrow a few times, figuring this out. seriously, I don’t like you, but it’s
gone camping (like real camping, Step one: Ask the question “have ok, this is not about me liking you
none of that RV liberal glamping you already taken a life?” (to be clear I don’t like you but
bullshit). Suddenly, not even a If you answer yes to this one then whatevs). But let’s be honest, it’s a
minute in, someone brings up your you are good, you got your answer, simple question. Are you a stupid
name and everyone goes “Oh yeah, pack it up champ, head out, you loser bitch? Becuse only stupid loser
they would totally die early.” are no longer needed. Answer bitches are unwilling to take a life.
You are indignant. You are “no,” well then, you puny, insipid, After these three simple steps,
fucking pissed. You think this is stupid little pussy ass loser, time for it should be pretty clear to you
objectively the most offensive thing you to buckle in: it’s time to kill. whether or not you are willing to
anyone has ever said to you (and Step two: Ask yourself “Is there take a life, and if put in a Hunger
once a 5’6” dude in frisbee told you someone you already feel ready to Games situation with your closest
that ‘you look like you do improv’). kill?” friends, how long you would last.
So you splutter indignantly and go Look, no shame. It’s ok to have this Now I am not gonna put moral
“What do you mean I’d die early?” person. I have this person (Jessica implications on your answers, but
and some rando (i.e. close friend) from Pom 507- oh shit probably also you probably know if I think
goes “Oh well, you could never shouldn’t have printed that, but you are a weak stupid loser, shitty
take a life.” uhhhh…). Sometimes you want to bitch face with the killer instinct of
“What,” you think. “I could take stab a bitch. You want to go to their like a dog humping an eggplant, so
a life, look at me, I’m viscous.” funeral and pretend to mourn their sit with that. If not, happy killing,
You bask in all your 5 4’” short loss all while spreading rumors and remember, you can’t have
king glory, with that scrumptious about them to their family. You slaughter without laughter. :)
rad dad bod that hasn’t worked know, just slowly
out consistently since high school. break down their
“Yeah,” you think, “viscous.” So familial ties until
you tell them, “I could take a life,” infighting
and what do they do? destroys
They. everything they
All. once loved.
Laugh. Normal person
Suddenly you’re insecure about shit. Anyways, if
your killing abilities. you related to
this or have your

15

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Kiwibots Shown to Reactivate Primal Urges

Recently, there has been an prey is exhausted.” Professor Bobby has also observed
alarming increase of Brandeis As such, Professor Bobby believes through his research (Table 1) that
students savagely tearing apart that Kiwibots pathetically scurrying Kiwibots containing Mr. Beast
Kiwibots. Professor Texas H. to their destination have reminded burgers were more likely to be
Bobby (ANTH) hypothesized the Brandeis students that they used destroyed, but it is unclear if it’s
reason why this is happening is live for the hunt, the blood, the out of taste appeal or genuine
due to the nature of Kiwibots guts, and the carnage, instead hatred.
reactivating humans’ primal urges. of having to begrudgingly use a “I hope Brandeis reconsiders the
“In the past, hominins practiced meal swipe at lower Usdan before implementation of Kiwibots –
persistence hunting,” said Professor realizing they forgot to do their other than the aesthetic destruction
Bobby as he ate a Mr. Beast daily health assessment. they have done to the Brandeis
Burger he tore from a Kiwibot. “As Students have been reported to campus, they also contribute to
humans have little hair (unless you chase after Kiwibots and tear them the destruction of student body
don’t shave like my roommate), apart, “similar to how hominins mental health by reminding all how
they are able to sweat a lot (like would savagely tear apart their prey much life would be better without
my roommate) in order to regulate for meat,” Professor Bobby noted. Sodexo,” says Professor Bobby.
their temperature easier when Students have also been observed Table 1: Documented Kiwibot
running. Because of this, humans to be kicking over, T-Posing in destruction categorized by item
usually run after their prey over a front of, and stealing the Kiwibots. contained in Kiwibot.
prolonged period of time until their

I Am Become Rage, e Destroyer of Kiwibots
A red haze descends upon me contents as the grandest of feasts, at its expense within my mind’s
every time I see the gremlin- for it is not the caliber of fare expanse, unseeing of my Conan
analogue known as the kiwibot. inside that interests me as much as the Barbarian fantasy of crushing
Each time I hear its little it is a demonstration of my victory the great artificial enemy, seeing it
underpowered motor buzz, my in the machine hunt, Captain driven before me, and of hearing
body sings, braying to lash out, to Ahab taking his vengeance on the lamentation of the network
kick its smug little emoting face Moby Dick, the cowboy-bandit engineers puzzling over why their
and roar in triumph as its little landing his biggest score in the knee-high golems were so violently
wheels flail in the air. I’d revel in great droid robbery of ‘22. I stop pounced upon. One day, I shall
the most basic, savage dominion myself for now with only the most restrain myself no longer, and
of man over robot-beast, to be supreme effort of will, and temper when that day comes when my
John Connor triumphing against that white-hot rage, and merely blood boils over and I deliver a
Skynet, Neo surpassing the Matrix. simmer and seethe in anger as strike comparable to the game-
I’d shatter its mechanical carcass the bot continues to putter along, winning punt at the Super Bowl or
the way one cracks an egg and unknowingly spared from my World Cup, those automatons with
gorge myself on its Sodexo-guts, fathomless wroth, unaware of the their anime-eyes shall know how to
seizing and devouring its meager countless mocking japes I make emote the true meaning of fear.

16

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

New Program Automatically Assigns You to Classes With Your Ex

As part of the new “close the Deis- onto Workday. Just like everything else, “In my defense, how was I supposed
stance” initiative to combat isolation there’s an extremely clunky system with to know that making a mistake
(not to be confused with close the 15 different submenus, including your in freshman year would have
Deis-dance, a petition to stop Brandeis height, your therapist’s notes, rectal consequences?” replied Dick Ligmor
Ballet), students will now be exclusively circumference, and whatever else they (WGS ‘23), confronted by the prospect
assigned to classes where they have can get you to fill out on your FAPSA of yet another class with the girl he lost
at least one past romantic partner, profile. The system automatically his virginity to in what was perhaps the
based on data covertly gathered from assigns you to classes that will create grossest, saddest night of his life (...let’s
the Bite™ app. For those who haven’t the most conflict, as they put it, “to just say it got stuck).
had any long term relationships, the build character.” There’s also extra Dr. Kahk-Bloch, head of the project,
program has been expanded to Tinder credit hours for students who are able had this to say in an email to the
matches who didn’t respond, people to withstand a semester when faced student body: “It’s been really hard
you drunkenly made out with at a frat with a love triangle or labs where to meet new people during Covid,
party, and that one dude who always you’re crushing on your taken partner. so we figured, why not re-meet
stares at you awkwardly from the other Already, glowing words, or at least people? You’ve probably already seen
side of class when he thinks you aren’t dimly lit words, have surfaced for the them naked, so it won’t be awkward
looking. program on Brandeis Confessions 2: anymore! After all, it’s been proven that
Now you can reflect on all the great Veiled Racism and You. you guys have chemistry. Or at least
times you spent together! The dandruff MangiNah69 had this to say: “I CHEM 11B.”
that cascaded like snow down their mean, I can’t say that I’m enjoying Following recent reports of ambiguous
scalp, the hummus taste whenever the “close the Deis-stance” program, success (Gravity was met with a dial
you kissed, the way they pushed but I definitely feel less alone. As my tone, and a brick through our editor’s
drinks on you to an uncomfortable ex ranted about how ‘capping insulin window, when we attempted to
degree… wait, was that just me? As prices causes communism’ over our interview Dr. Kahk-Bloch), Brandeis
they ask yet another asinine question professor’s feeble attempts to get the has expanded the program to include
resulting in a round of eyerolls from class back on topic, I was really struck that random guy from your UWS who
the class, you can stew in humiliation by the fact that I let that man see me stalks you on Instagram. For the truly
and embarrassment, remembering naked and that no matter how many desperate, Sodexo has added SSIS
their stilting conversation and the way showers I took, I would never feel products to the Bite™ app, and if you
they not so subtly groped for your clean again. Suddenly, I was acutely order it via Kiwi Bot, that bot can
boobs “for the sake of breast cancer aware of how many people knew me qualify as one of your exes. However,
awareness.” in a horrifying, soul crushing, intrusive the only current item available is a
Wondering how Brandeis can make kinda way. And now, all of you do too. singular extra small condom. Happy
this happen? Well, Brandeis is able to It’s nice.” hunting!
upload information about your love life

20 Best Places to Cry on Campus

This is a list as per Gravity tradition, late for class 14. Your TA’s Office Hours (alternate
or the Old Gods will forsake us. 8. Dungeon (Library, only during with sexual favours in exchange for
1. Grad (cry me a Charles River) finals) higher grades)
2. Louis D. Brandeis’ shoulder 9. Sex Dungeon (Tunnels under East, 15. Gen. Chem Lab
3. Your Professor’s office hours only during finals) 16. Gen. Chem Lecture
4. Financial Aid Office (maybe they’ll 10. Gravity’s “Office,” Mondays @ 17. Kosher Section in Sherman (only
pay you to stop crying) 8pm (Do you think happy, well-adjust- if you dip parsley in your tears)
5. DCL (alternate with sexual favours ed people could write this shit?) 18.Any Section in Sherman
in exchange for better housing num- 11. IBS (just kidding you need a soul 19. Outside the BCC (they wouldn’t let
bers) to cry) me in and I had a panic attack)
6. SIMS Lab (Crying track Remix) 12. The rock (you know which one) 20. Outside the Health Center (they
7. The line at Dunkin’ when you’re 13. Rugby Practice (if you can cry wouldn’t let me in and I had dysentery)
through the concussions)

17

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

a deep dive into how the bowling economy stays a oat (PLEASE READ)
(URGENT) (RESPONSES NEEDED)

Alright, you ready to bowl your just a correlated one. researchers were confused as
brains out bitches? Participants were asked to share to how these businesses seemed
Well, you can’t. Because the when and why they would go to to be doing so well. Almost all
bowling economy has gone a bowling alley at the end of the businesses surveyed had profits
down like a ball down the gutter. survey. Many responded that the that had increased by at least
No spares, no strikes, do not pass real appeal of bowling is how 20% year on year, despite their
go or collect any arcade tokens. little they went. One responded, revenues not seeming to match
You loser. “If I had just gone bowling last up with these increases (having
Sorry for the outburst, I just week and some rando said, ‘Hey, been stagnant with an average
really really care about balls. wanna spend your afternoon in a of 0 dollars in revenue). You
You understand, fellow lonely dark musty room with too many may not understand what
sad Brandeisian. weird colored lights, foot stink, this means exactly, and that is
Bowling alleys across the country and a radio station that only play because you are not a smart,
are flourishing (floundering?) commercials, while also wearing beautiful, totally not a d-bag
sites of economic activity. These someone else’s shoes and playing Econ major like me.
beloved foundations of their a game your all bad at,’ I would One researcher posited the idea
local communities have been hot be like, no, fuck you for asking. that perhaps these might be
spots for parking lot drug use, But when its been three years a laundering scheme, despite
old people, and creepy 40-year- since you last entered a bowling bowling alleys very clearly not
old guys who will murder you for establishment, these things seem being laundromats, although
saying bowling isn’t a real sport. trivial.” this line of reason was quickly
Despite 90% of respondents Similar sentiments were put dropped as nonsensical by the
in a recent survey saying they forward by many of the survey group researching it after the
passed 3 or more bowling alleys participants. Other repeated researcher focusing it dropped
on their commute to work, comments were, “I saw a guy out of the study (although upon
only .001% said they had been take a shit in the parking lot,” reflecting this may be because
inside one in the last 6 months. “The parking lot is a great place he was found dead in a drainage
Although most bowling alleys to do drugs,” and “I have taken ditch).
have a capacity of 50 people, the a shit in the parking lot.” In Overall the seeming
average occupancy is 12 men fact only one participant had simultaneous success and failure
over 65 and 65 children under an overwhelmingly positive of bowling alleys as an economic
12. Most of the outliers with reaction. It is unclear if this was model is a mystery of modern
average occupants over 25 years a bot answer, or if someone’s Science. I hope this paper has
old had a bar, although none child had gotten ahold of their been a real ball-roller, because I
of these establishments had a phone, as many of the words need to make money off of it to
bartender on their payroll or a were in fact not words, with feed both my children and my
liquor license, so it is unclear if quotes such as “isg funsjfldk growing pin addiction.
this bar was a contributing factor poop.”
to the number of customers or With this mounting evidence,

18

Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

The first time Brandeis heard about seemed so outgoing. Every day she their words even hold meaning?
Covid, she was terrified. Brandeis had longed to walk over and talk to them. Then the impossible happened.
always been a proper young woman. But it wasn’t allowed. Her brothers Brandeis had a brush with Covid. Her
A rabbi’s daughter. And Covid was Berkeley and Reed were always pencil case dropped in the hallway,
anything but proper or good. They checking on her and making sure she and when she went to pick it up. There
would visit a girl first and then a boy stayed safe. Besides, it never would they were. Covid.
the next day. In fact, whole friend work out. ‘You dropped this.” Covid smiled,
groups were known to catch Covid’s She was too good for them. She was handing her back a pencil.
eyes at a time. proper, respectable. Covid was no Brandeis blushed and snatched it back.
What happened next was even worse. good. No one was ever the same after Covid just smiled and helped her clean
Covid was said to take the breath away Covid visited them. Covid was the up the rest of her mess. Once finished,
from everyone they touched, young living definition of a red flag and yet they stood up and blew Brandeis a kiss.
and old alike. They made your mind Brandeis was starting to realize that ‘See you around, shy one.’
go foggy. After Covid, they said, you she… that she… She loved them. She Brandeis nodded weakly in reply. She
would never be able to get enough wanted them. She wanted to be the couldn’t breathe. She’d just had her
sleep again. Because nothing could one that Covid leaned close to and… first real brush with Covid and it had
knock you out like Covid. Nothing Brandeis blushed at the thought. already done so much to her. Brandeis
would ever taste good again after you’d Brandeis began to despair. She would wanted more.
locked lips with Covid. never know the taste of the one she There was no choice. No other option.
Naturally, Brandeis would ever admit loved. Never know how it felt to be Brandeis was going to woo Covid or
to wanting that. No, she was a good held in their arms. Never know the she was going to die trying. Luckily,
girl. She was going to marry someone sound of ‘I love you, Brandeis’ in her she liked those odds.
respectable. Someone like MIT or ear. Never know what it truly meant
Harvard. Yet, some days she found it to be head over heels in love. Brandeis
really hard to avoid watching Covid couldn’t eat. She wouldn’t talk. If
out of the corner of her eyes. They those around her weren’t Covid, could

19

Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Brandeis Students Protest Forced Removal of Snow

The recent outburst of aid, the University sent marshmallows, the student
tenacious weather, namely snowplows. The snow barely activists sent out a petition to
the nor’easter that brought had time to land before the all Brandeis students which as
significant snowfall to much oppressive vehicles began to of today has amassed 4,500
of the northeastern United corral them in a desperate signatures.
States, has left Brandeis with effort to control the surge “They call us snowflakes here
an unexpected humanitarian of displaced flakes. They at Brandeis because we care—
challenge: an incredible were pushed into huge piles, and they are right! Snowflakes
amount of displaced snow. crushed under the weight of are those beaten-down, trod-
The blizzard, which tore their oppressors. upon brothers of ours being
trillions of flakes from their But though they could bear trampled underneath our
natural home up in the clouds, the physical weight, the weight feet. Snowflakes are those of
has left vast multitudes of of trauma was simply too us who will not stand idly by
our precipitatory brethren much. when rights are being violated.
misplaced. “It came out of “It broke us,” said one flake. Snowflakes are all of us, all
nowhere,” said one flake, “You go through all that, and of us who are brave enough
who agreed to be interviewed just when you think you might to look the system in its cold,
under the promise of be safe, they pull that safety capitalist eye, and proclaim
anonymity. “One minute right out from under you.” to its face: WE ARE HERE,
you’re just floating up there, Of course, Brandeis students AND WE CARE.”
all gaseous and carefree, and were unwilling to let this Unfortunately, the petition
the next second you’re hurtled atrocity stand; several brave was not enough. The
halfway across the country. student activists were seen University services completed
You don’t know where you chaining themselves to the the forced removal of all snow
are, you don’t know anything. snow, yelling ferocious slogans early Sunday morning.
It turns your world upside such as, “SNOWFLAKES On days such as these, it’s
down.” ARE PEOPLE, TOO,” and often hard to see the bright
And as these poor refugees “IF YOU ICE THEM, YOU side, and it’s not just because
were cast from their homes, ICE US.” The activists held of the overcast clouds. But as
how did Brandeis University on for as long as they could, a student body, we will stay
respond? but due to frostbite were strong and continue to fight
The moment that the refugees forced to retreat indoors and the good fight, regardless
reached our campus’s restrategize with the help of of the consequences. Why?
metaphorical shore, the hot cocoa. Because we’re snowflakes.
University took action.

Instead of providing support After a strategy session and
in the form of humanitarian a truly indulgent amount of

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Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Celebrities and Why ey Would Have Beef with Brandeis

While nobody that I’ve ever they were supposed to protest, fine, but Zuckerberg was
talked to outside of Boston ended up at Carl Shapiro’s concerned by the distinct lack
(or sometimes in Boston) grave instead. of incels. We directed him to
knows what Brandeis is, we - Aaron Rodgers visited Brandeis Confessions, and his
do occasionally pop up in the Brandeis with the intention worries were assuaged.
news. Now before you think of jump-starting a modest - Doja Cat, (Once rumored
to yourself, “Finally, a little football team, but felt to be a Springfest Headliner
recognition for our pristine unwelcomed by the amount before the Covid-19
campus and renowned of vaccinated individuals on pandemic) returned to the
athletics department,” campus and decided to take Brandeis campus to see if
keep in mind that our most his chances at Bentley. she wanted to perform for
recent mention was a former - Anya Taylor Joy came to us again. Unfortunately,
PhD student convicted of meet with our Chess Club after seeing an improv group
terrorism… about her role in The Queen’s perform a sketch mistaking
Given the lack of positive Gambit. At previous schools, her for Nicki Minaj, she left
media attention, we at Gravity she had mostly been met with shortly after.
reached out to a wide array a complete disinterest because - Zendaya came to Brandeis
of celebrities to offer their duh, chess. The Brandeis casting for Euphoria season
impressions of Brandeis in the Chess team, however, said three but was extremely
hopes that their comments nothing, as they were stunned disappointed once she found
could give us some better into silence at the sight of a out that only 30% of Brandeis
press. We’ve taken the liberty woman for the first time ever. students were sexually active.
of paraphrasing. Here is what - The cast of Sex Education It’s hard to cast wildly uncool
they said: left in a huff after getting into college kids to participate in
- Ben Shapiro was a physical altercation with ragers full of glitter, tears, and
immediately offended after SSIS over the proper etiquette molly.
having been mistaken for for inserting anal beads. No - Ron Liebowitz. He gets
a TA while eating on the students were harmed, luckily, no respect from anyone at
kosher side of Sherm. He as knowing it was an SSIS Brandeis. “Catgirl Liebowitz”
was disappointed there was event, nobody showed up. this, “fugly bitch” that, why
not a Berkely-sized crowd of - Mark Zuckerberg came to doesn’t anyone respect his
students waiting to protest conduct a security audit of authority?
his presence. The Leftist the many, many, many (many)
Union explains that they had Brandeis groups hosted on
planned to protest, but were Facebook. The audit was
too high at the time and, not
remembering which Shapiro

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Spring 2022 Gravity Magazine

Can You Live in the Brandeis Library?

Hello, fellow Brandeis actual studying for my exam I went through the catalog of
students and survival whatsoever, but the Brandeis majors to discover what path
enthusiasts. Last week, you Health Center says sleep is I could’ve taken. I am full of
asked me to tackle the scariest important so I take a nap regrets as the library is full of
challenge I’ve ever had to under the Media Desk. full-sized, full-color, biblically-
face: how long can someone Day 3 accurate regrets.
live in the Brandeis Library? I they’re watching me Day 7
decided to take notes each day Day 4 I tried leaving today.
of how my journey went, and I woke up today with my Unfortunately, the library is
overall, it was a pretty cool computer missing its hard a circle. I am merely a mouse
time! Definitely recommend drive. It worked yesterday, in the belly of the Ouroboros
to anyone with an abundance so unless the raccoons that Snake.
of free time and an unlimited live under Massell Pond stole Day 8
prescription to Xanax. it, my laptop is broken. ITS I was doing my homework in
Day 1 is closed; it’s Martin Luther front of the Louis Brandeis
I sit down to do my King Day but it’s April. I took Office Display when I was
homework. I thoroughly read it to the library Help Desk to suddenly overtaken by the
exactly one article for class get a loaner. They’re out of desire to instead do my
before deciding to reward Macbooks and Chromebooks homework where the man, the
myself by scrolling through so I am now writing my myth, the legend himself once
TikTok for 4 hours. I can’t essay on a Texas Instruments sat. I use my free Hillel water
find my earbuds, so I watch graphing calculator. Today bottle to smash the glass and
my phone in complete silence, was ok. crawl inside, finding comfort
hunched over like some sort of Day 5 within the womb-like warmth
vulture. Overall, a productive To relieve all of the stress of his robes. They smell like
day. from yesterday, I ate one of him. Fish and blood and wine,
Day 2 the chairs in the Rappaport just like Jesus Christ.
I have an exam coming up, Treasure Hall. Well, that was my vacation in
so I down three lukewarm Day 6 the Brandeis Library! I highly
Starbucks coffees and black I am a bridge. I am a bridge. recommend spending your
out for five hours. When I I am a bridge I am a bridge I next bout of Covid-induced
come to, I’ve filled an entire am a bridge I am a bridge- isolation doing the exact same
notebook with chemistry There is an architecture major things I did. You can only get
terms, including the entire at Brandeis. I found this out in with a Green passport, and
periodic table, which is because instead of studying, you can only get out if you
weird considering I’m not a pray.
STEM major. I have done no

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Gravity Magazine Spring 2022

Gravity, My Moon

Gravity, oh Gravity
moon of my sky
lips of my teeth
Taste of my buds

Oh taste of my bud lite
I miss you in the long dark night
The nights are dark and long and dark without u

Toes of my foot
You think your sly
But my love for you soars so high
Like a potato in the sky
How I cry when you’re not near
Do you hear my crys?
How they fill my soul, crying
(Sounds of crying)

Invasion of the KBG agents

On Saturday, February enough that I could not warning to my unsuspecting
6, tragedy struck as I see any of the furniture classmates, as they also
innocently entered the anymore. It was an ocean seemed perplexed by the
Shapiro lounge as I full of Emily’s, Hayleigh’s sheer amounts of dark hair
normally would. Facing the (not with a ley at the end and hoodies in sight. I then
upper section of the lounge, because this is Brandeis), found out that they were all
I didn’t see any members and Sarah’s who’d swear a part of the KBG, and that
of the so-called “quirky” they “aren’t like the other is when I knew our darkest
Brandeis community. girls.” I knew I had to get day was upon us. Brandeis
However, I looked towards out, so I busted a move has been invaded by the
the lower section and that’s and I was gone faster than Russian Government, and
when I saw something any diversity within that the KBG are making a
that left me trembling: swarm. I power walked out comeback, one lounge at
sorority girls. Not just a of there, and never looked a time. The Russians have
circle full as I recalled from back. I couldn’t even muster come for us.
the previous night, but up the courage to give a

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