Gravity (Fall 2022)

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

Table of Contents

Table of Contents Right here, you dumbass Special Thanks To:
• Graphic design, our
Ledditor from the Editor 1
passion <3
The Queen Lies in Usdan 2 • All hot local singles in

Gravit-DND: Choose Your Own Adventure 2 my area looking for me
• My anxiety medication
Your Future Awaits at Brandeis University 3 • Julian for running

Top Ten Toilets 4 Instagram
• Not Josh–you know who
Want Better Food? Just Convert! 5
you are.
SSIS Uses Search History to Better Serve Your Needs 6 • The Hoot, for their

IBS Wins “Most Compassionate” Departmental Award 7 typos and bad grammar

How to Get Married at Brandeis 8 Gravity was founded in
1990 by Noel Rappin ‘93,
Brandeis Sells Out (Again) 9 Matthew Cohen ‘93, and
Jason Schneider ‘93.
Professor Quotes 10 All content © 2022 to
its respective creators.
University Reacts to Garbage Buildup 12 Gravity retains the right to
reprint all content, incuding
DCL Unveils Decorative A/C Units for the Uncool 13 electronic reproductions
and excerpts. Violators
Poetry Corner 14 will be emotionally and/or
spiritually violated.
Sodexo: “Brandeis, Please Take Us Back!” 15

Devil’s Lettuce Discovered at Brandeis :o 16

Brandeis Admin on Menstrual Advocacy 17

President Ronald D. Liebowitz: The Inside Scoop 18

Blood Pact Leads to Monkeypox Outbreak 19

Oh No! They’re Getting Rid of Red Lobster?! 20

Gravity Crossword 21

Your Degree Idk

OUR SKLLED STAFF

Harvey Sugiuchi Sexyuchi Ceil Shandell Illustrator
Logan Miller Hoot and a Half
Kaija Grisham Like a G6 Isaac Lambert
Amelia Minchin Lambertghini
Emma Fiesinger Like a G5.1 Jesse Rips The Unminchinable
Wesley Wei
Julian Knight Also Sexy Unholy Ghost
Lost His
Alyssa Knudsen banned from insta

Aditi Bhattacharya Bloody

Omer Barash TB Patient



Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Letter From The Editors

Greetings, whoevereth the fuck you are.

It’s 12:05 AM, and I’ve just spent four hours of my life trying to get the magazine (somewhat) formatted
and ready for publication. My brain is the equivalent of taffy; if I’m late for class tomorrow, it was for
the cause. Ironically enough, I’m looking at Abi’s ledditor from last year about looking back at old
ledditors for inspiration as I desperately try to remember how to write one of these things. The cycle
continues.

Speaking of which, this semester, Gravity finally got an archive, viewable on Anyflip. If you’re
interested, scan the QR code on the bottom, or just look up “Gravity Magazine Anyflip”. There, you
can find 33 years worth of content, dating back to the dark ages of the 1990’s when magazine editors
walked uphill both ways to get to meetings- oh wait it’s Brandeis, we still do that. Some of my favorite
things include Gravity predicting the Trump Presidency (Fall 2012), the dining vendors being bad (like,
so many articles), the Sarah Palin Wolf Vore article (Fall 2018), and the Les Miserables action figures
(May 1991). Keep in mind, standards of humor(and quality) have changed, so read at your own risk-
the thoughts and expressions are not those of the current board, and so on.

Also, if you don’t follow us on Instagram, do that. Our Facebook is deader than your CA’s office hours,
and the website (yeah, we had one in the 2000’s) doesn’t even exist anymore. Another thing- you can
vote on our magazine’s name change! Scan the second QR code below- just trust me guys.

I now have one more semester left with Gravity- it’s been four years y’all! Depending on whether you
like this issue or not, feel free to either burst into tears at my imminent passing, or do a victory fist bump
knowing there’s only a semester until I’m out of here. Big thanks to Emma and Kaija, my co editors in
chief for putting up with my shit and helping herd the cats. I’m proud to be part of this unholy trinity,
and I look forward to seeing what mayhem y’all unleash next semester.

Behind you,

Harvey

Mehditor-In-Chief

1

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

The Queen Lies in Usdan

Following the death of the queen look. I understand why they needed all Her coffin was paraded from the Hive
(slay!!!), professors in the sociology and those formalities or whatever the fuck; to the Department of Community
anthropology programs pooled their but why couldn’t they have done it Living, where she will remain. Mangi-
savings to convince the Crown to place yesterday? It was Labor Day for god’s nah flanked the coffin itself, singing
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth II (rip!) sake. Nobody was here!” We informed a traditional British set list entirely
in the Mandel Humanities Quad. Radd that the Brits don’t celebrate in a mournful minor key. It included
On a cloudy Tuesday morning, a Labor Day, so they either didn’t know “That’s What Makes You Beautiful,”
funeral procession drove up South about the day off or didn’t care. “Anarchy in the U.K.,” “Ave Maria,”
Street, blocking car traffic along the The Irish Student Union had planned “Yellow Submarine,” and an experi-
way from North Quad to the Rabb a protest, but refused to enter Usdan mental piece involving the bass section
steps. However, when the coffin-bear- due to potato related issues. Unfortu- screaming “Richard!!!!!” with beatbox-
ers realized that it was too heavy to nately, leader Seamus O’MacPotato- ing in the background.
carry up the Rabb steps, they rerouted head’s comment was dreadfully long The Queen, who seldom gives in-
to upper Usdan. Though some were and incomprehensible through his terviews, had little to say as students
disappointed with the decision, newly thick Irish brogue. crowded around her freshly embalmed
plopped and neutered King Charles Professor Lord Giles-Niles Crum- body.
III said “It’s what she would have pet-Tea, PhD, recently imported via
wanted. She hated most of the people tea shipment from Britain, shed what
they learned about there anyway.” he called “two and two fourths tears,”
Commuter student Gretchen Radd ex- a British phrase roughly translating to
pressed her frustration to us: “Like— “a bummer and a half.”

Gravit-DND: Choose Your Own Adventure!

So ye want to be an adventurer, eh? • Incite Rage: “Hey, so did you Fraternology
I was like ye too, before I joined the guys want to discuss the Israel It’s totally a real major, brah. Fuck
archery club, and took an arrow to situation?” that pussy humanities shit, you’re with
my… Well, I’m sure ye wouldn’t want • Lose: Employment Prospects us now.
to hear about that. Choose yon major, • Suggested Alignment: Lawful • Get ye flask!
and prepare for ye quest: roll yon deis! Neutral • Drinking the Elixir of

Business Computer Science Intoxication lets you enter the
You’ve sold your soul to the wolves of Like NEJS, but more BASIC, you’re Berserker state, with +5 strength
wall street, and you get… an integral part of society, and most and -10 charisma, wisdom,
• +10 Gold likely suffered from boolean during intelligence, and morals.
• Employment Prospects highschool. • Plus, ye get super good at beer
• Enmity of all humanities majors • Incite Boredom: “Now most pong.
• Suggested Alignment: Lawful Evil • Suggested Alignment: Chaotic
NEJS people use QWERTY, but in my Evil
You gain the ability to speak in opinion, Dvorak is the superior And so, ye begin thy quest! Whether
spell-like tongues, intimidating the layout…” ye spent your eve in the tavern, or
common schmucks by rattling off • Lose: Dating Prospects (5+ years) were cooped up in the bowels of the
arcane Arabic or Aramaic. • Suggested Alignment: True dread Gryst-Zang, it doesn’t matter
Neutral now. What do you do?

2

So, you’re finally awake.
• Ye set thy alarm to 8 AM, like a reasonable person. Turn to page 6.
• Ye wake up at 11:30 AM- Thoust overslept yon alarm! Fly you fool! Automatic if ye followed the fraternologists. Turn to page 3.
• Slumber on slugabed. Thy humours are imbalanced. Turn to page 16.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Your Future Awaits at Brandeis University

In the wake of COVID-19 and “We want our students to MAJOR REQUIREMENTS
an increased desire for many understand government welfare 2 of the Intro Courses:
to work from home, Brandeis programs, personal finance, and • UEMP 100b - Filing for Un-
has taken a bold step towards culture, and be prepared for a
better enabling students’ future lifelong struggle to find jobs that employment Benefits
work-from-home experiences pay something close to a living • FA 13a - NFTs: The Next Big
with a new major and minor in wage,” says chemistry professor
unemployment. and wanted lobster Claw-dia Thing
In August, Brandeis faculty Novack, MFA’58, one of the • UEMP 23a+b - Introducto-
voted overwhelmingly to approve “scientists” spearheading the
a new interdepartmental new major’s implementation. ry Panhandling Laboratory
unemployment major and “There are nearly six million (experiential learning)
program that will draw on all unemployed individuals in the • UWS 6b - Why Your Resume
aspects of the liberal arts. The United States, and Brandeis Sucks, And We Don’t Care
School of Ass and Sciences is looks forward to our students (with the Hiatt Career Center)
currently developing plans to ‘working’ in solidarity with 3 of the Following Electives:
introduce a Bachelor of Shit those who are unable to work • CHEM 11a/b - General
(BS) degree in Unemployment anywhere but an Amazon Chemistry (just for the sake
Studies beginning no later than warehouse,” said precious of it)
academic year 2023-2024. little meow-meow President • UEMP 83b - Explaining Your
Leaning on the School of Ass Ron Liebowitz in an email to Employment Status to Friends
and Sciences’ weaknesses and Brandeis faculty. According to and Family
the University’s reputation as the proposal, the university’s • BIOL 59a - Selling Your Body
that random school kind of admissions department believes for Fun and for Profit
near Boston that some people that adding the new degree will • HSSP 120b - Socioeconom-
might have heard their cousin’s expand the pool of recruitable ics of Chronic Disease (learn
Jewish friend attended, the new high school dropouts by what you’re now predisposed
program will offer a distinctly about 1.2 million annually. to)
Brandeisian experience in International students, for • UEMP 20a - Fulfillment Cen-
Unemployment Studies, instance, express a clear interest ter, Fulfillment Life: Working
capitalizing on the vibrant in exploring late-stage capitalism in an Amazon Warehouse
synergy between America’s poor and backsliding democracy • HSSP 80b - Navigating the
working conditions and the through the lens of those unable Healthcare.gov Insurance
University’s increasing tuition to earn enough to support Marketplace
rates. themselves. 2 of the Following Seminars:
• HWL 24 - Eating, Moving,
and Sleeping
• BUS 199a - Integrative Semi-
nar on Tax Fraud
• FA 79b - Cardboard
Sign-making Studio
• LGLS 40a - Navigating Evic-
tion & Loan Delinquency
• UEMP 98a/b - Wage Slavery

3

A herd of chattering, clomping freshmen obstruct the path, barring yon way. They have to be trying to irritate thou…
• Cast a spell! Turn to page 15.
• Put the rabble in their place. “Move aside, peons!” If a business major, turn to page 15.
• If anyone else, turn to page 9.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

Top Ten Toilets for a Shy Guy

Are you a secret shitter? Want to hit the pod all by yourself? Does peeing all by yourself sound like the
perfect date? Yeah, I can relate! That’s why we here at Gravity magazine have gathered a top ten list of

toilets for your average shy guy. Not everyone can be an alpha shitter, and that’s okay.

1. The ones by the mail room Buckets.
More like the male room haha. These are an
ultimate liminal space- it feels like they stretch on 6. PISS BUCKETS !!!!!!!!!
forever and ever and ever (just like your friendship Piss Buckets.

with your freshman friend group!). 7. SHIT BUCKETS !!!!!!!!!!
2. The chair you are currently sitting in Shit Buckets.
Too nervous to get up? That’s ok, nobody needs
to know your embarrassing wittle secret! Just piss 8. Gender Neutral bathroom by the Sex,
where you are—that’s what the little holes in the Sex, I Sex (SSIS) office

bottom of the chair are for. It’s just a mellow bathroom and you get the whole
thing to yourself (go cry guy).

Unless the SSIS members are secretly watching
you from the office and analysing (haha get it,

anal) the time it takes you to shit.

9. Roomate’s bed
The leaking log, big brown blanket, a scrumptious

Sunday surprise. Hey, it would be gross to go in
your own bed, and you don’t want to walk down
the hallway in your PJs (so embarrassing!). And, if
you live in a triple you can blame it on your other

roommate. Who’s the third wheel now, Josh??

10. Hiatt Career Center
Duh.

3. The woods behind the business school
Totally private, (besides the turkeys), and IBS is in

the name (that’s the poop disease!!!!)

4. The Robster (red lobster) on the third
floor of Hass

Good eats, good shits, Louie, Dembitz.

5. BUCKETS !!!!!!!!!!!

4

Alas, ye face down a fearsome master of time! As he drones on and on in a monosyllabic voice about neoliberal economics, ye struggle to cling to thy
sanity…
• Desperately try to stay awake. Turn to page 10.
• Skip Dialogue. Ye don’t need to listen, who does readings anyway? Turn to page 5.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Want Better Food? Just Convert a return to the old ways:
pretending you’re Jewish
In recent news, dining edible was present. so you can eat at the
vendor Harvest Table was In response, President Kosher section. For now,
revealed to be the pièce de Liebowitz held a this plan appears to be
résistance of an elaborate conference addressing working: campus has seen
scheme to convert the the recent concerns a 500% uptake in shalom
Brandeis student body to regarding… well usage, with some students
Judaism. everything, hosted in the creatively pinning multiple
cozy Cable basement kippahs to their heads in
As part of President lounge, an event attended an effort to maximize their
Liebowitz’s new initiative, by (5) freshmen, (2) Judaism. When we last
“Jews and You: Why janitors, and (1) confused saw the President, he was
Bris Equals Benefits”, senior looking for the basking in the newfound
the university has begun bathroom. Appearing atmosphere of festivity,
ratcheting up their efforts uncharacteristically swigging a manischewitz
to spread Jewish culture. disheveled, smears of egg “party size”. “This
substitute slicking down has been the greatest
While some among you his “hair”, Liebowitz accomplishment of my
may have encountered began to caper from career. Not getting a
the “Chabad Hounds”, side to side, chanting in million dollars, not seeing
or unexpectedly been rhyming verse. my kid get into Yale, but
deported to Israel, until “If your bowels feel finally putting the “jew”
now, the connection unstable, don’t turn to back in “jewniversity”
between the decreased Harvest Table! Some of
quality of food and you may not be so sure,
the program hadn’t yet but I say embrace kosher.
been made. Faced with There’s no need to gag
relentless onslaught from and gog, just head to the
the burgeoning communist synagogue.”
revolution, Harvest Table
executives barricaded After deciphering this
themselves within riddle, our reporters were
Sherman, a plan thwarted able to determine that the
by the fact that nothing President was calling for

5

• Page 5. “... and that’s what we’ll be covering on the exam. Any questions?” Fuck. Turn to page 12.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

SSIS Uses Search History To Better Serve Your
Needs

After the doldrums of the In the report, “Truth Into Its As a bonus, fundraising
pandemic recede and we return Innermost Parts”, it turns out has skyrocketed as alumni
back to something a lot closer 75% of students and alum had desperately seek to prevent
to what we knew of as normal cucking in their top ten which the world from knowing what
more than two years ago, a may explain why no one is they’re actually into.
dilemma pops up – how is SSIS actually fucking. With their newly expanded
going to move forward? As an Here’s a list of some of the top budget, SSIS plans to invest
institution that used to thrive search results resources into investigating
on every lonely college student’s Ron leibowitz how biologists deal with the
desire for physical touch, Ronny low libidos found in giant
they have found their services Ronny leib pandas, because fuck it, why
unnecessary as people seem to not? As part of this initiative,
be happy evolving from a one- the organization plans to start
night stand to a night in of porn pelting bamboo shoots into
and pizza rolls. Proscenium rehearsals, as well
as spraying the urine of virile
Chances are, if you’ve lived at Papie leib pandas into Intro To Python
Brandeis, you’ve beat off from Ron leibowitz no pants lectures via the sprinkler system.
time to time. How else would Ron leebowits naked President Liebowitz declined
you explain a school with a Ron lbowtz cute making a response to these
69% rate of abstinence, some Ron liebowclit sexy results.
of which is even by choice? Ron Lieboschvitz thirst trap
Having abandoned all hope of Ron liebowitz innermost parts
getting the student body to ya Hving sex and being held by
know, actually fuck, SSIS has Ron Liebowitz
embraced this sad reality and
partnered with ITS to better
cater to students needs. Much
like the NSA, Eduroam has
harvested decades of data on
the exact kinks of students- they
didn’t even have to be asked.

The results… were startling. Brandies bobs and vegana
Vore

So many options, so little good. 6
• Upper “Restaurants”. Turn to page 3.
• If ye are a business major, proceed to the Store of C. Turn to page 7.
• Dining Hall. Thou Usdan, and thou lose man. Turn to page 8.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

IBS Wins “Most Compassionate” Departmental Award

This past Friday, the accept the award, and had to Dean Graddy froze, her
Brandeis Departmental gather herself before saying a eyes shiny. Her lip quivered
Council announced the 2022 few words. slightly, almost imperceptibly.
recipient of the coveted “I cannot tell you how And then in the manner of a
“Most Compassionate” long I have been waiting business veteran, she pulled
Award, presented to the for this moment, and what into herself, straightened her
International Business School an irrevocable honor it is shoulders and addressed the
(IBS). to receive this award from council.
The ceremony was our fellow departments. “I would like to thank you
conducted at a black tie IBS has strived to find on behalf of IBS for your
event held in the Faculty ways to encourage social consideration for this honor.
Lounge this past weekend. responsibility and justice We hope that as we continue
At the event, Department through our ‘doing well by to grow and develop
Spokesperson Prof. doing good’ ideology, and our social programs and
Manowitz presented the emphasizing the power of emphasis we may one day
award. business as a tool for social reach the level necessary to
“This award,” he said, goo-” truly earn this honor.” With
“represents the very best of “Wait wait wait,” interrupted that, the dean turned and
Brandeis. As a university Prof. Manowitz. “You stiffly walked off the stage.
that seeks to be a beacon for thought we were being It wasn’t until she was out
social justice and equality, it serious?” the door that the sounds of
takes a very special program Dean Graddy stopped and quiet crying could be heard
to truly shine and stand out. looked at Manowitz. “What echoing down the hallway.
The International Business do you mean?” she asked, Professor Manowitz looked
School has shown time and a quiet hint of fear in her to the departmental council.
time again their commitment voice. “Huh,” he wondered. “Who
to the core values of this “Come on, Dean, you had would have thought that
University and the greater to know we were joking… those business people have
community. We are honored everybody knows that the feelings?”
to present them with this business school has no
token of our appreciation values. I mean you’re great
and recognition”. at what you do and all, but
International Business School you’re not exactly Brandeis
Dean Kathryn Graddy ‘Compassion Award’
tearfully walked on stage to material.” 7

• 10 gold for a sandwich? The man at the counter smirks at ye. “Supply and demand, my lord.” Turn to page 3.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

Getting Married at Brandeis

You’ve heard of the Brandeis your lover as those dweebs who and friends and your ex-
Marriage Pact. Get ready for still believe in the pandemic lovers on delicious chicken,
the Brandeis Marriage Package! shower you with used covid overcooked or undercooked to
Picture this: you’ve just had tests while also trying to dodge your specifications, a spongy
the best summer of your life. cars. Along the path will be approximation of a wedding
Your significant other, who you every single a cappella group cake that tastes like sad, and
met at Orientation (love at first serenading you, all at once. Pick unleaded chewy water (because
sight is real!!!!), proposed to you your favorite, and they will be no one in the room is old
atop the Rabb Steps, sweeping spared from The Culling. enough to drink yet).
their arms across the view of You’re wearing one of the If you choose the “I’m not
campus, and claiming they three options for formal wear: ready for kids yet” option,
could give you everything you Brandeis Blue Wedding Dress, SSIS will make sure that a
saw before you. Brandeis Blue Tuxedo, or gift bag filled with matzah or
They’re doing this because Brandeis Blue Tastefully Nude communion-flavored condoms,
they love you so much, right? (courtesy of Liquid Latex), (depending on your religious
I mean, the reasoning doesn’t available for order at the affiliations) is placed under your
really matter though because, Bookstore today! forced triple bunk bed. If you
swoon, right? Then, you will enter the choose not to add it, Chabad
But now, what are you supposed chapel of your choice: Jewish, will give you a DIY bris kit
to do now? You can’t move Catholic, or Satanic. Regardless for your little one’s eventual
your lover into your East single, of your choice, Father Jeremy circumcision.
and the C-store doesn’t sell fine will be officiating, because I met As you sexile your roommates,
china. It’s so frustrating! him once and trust me, he is so, just remember that you wanted
But don’t worry, dear reader, so excited for you to be getting this. Whether it’s because your
because Harvest Table, Student married. And, if you pay extra parents are pressuring you to
Engagement (get it?), and the for the Vegas Package, he’ll settle down at the ripe old age
Center for Spiritual Life have put on the Elvis costume, but of 20, or because you want to
partnered up to bring you doing the accent is against his bone with the approval of God,
the wedding of your dreams! religion. If he’s booked that day you can’t back out now. And
For the low, low, low, low, so doing actual work, don’t worry! even if you’re Catholic, you
impossibly low it’s as much as We’ll hire one of the Theater know that loophole isn’t really
your tuition price, it’s your very Department UDRs to do it a loophole.
own Brandeis Wedding! instead. But, if you wanted to, coming
Picture this: Your romantic Once you’ve said “I do”, next year is the Brandeis
journey starts with a stroll down and watched the PARC Divorce Package! Gotta give the
Loop Road, hand in hand with presentation on domestic pre-law students something to
violence, then it’s off to The do, right?
Stein! Come din8e with family

• Thy stomach trembles mightly as ye step outside. Fuck fuck fuck, it burns. Where in the hell is the privy? If ye have a flask, gain “CHILI
FLASK.” Turn to page 9.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Brandeis Sells Out (Again)

Finding that university funds advertising!” This process will (for stress eating) or job postings
have come up short for the be similarly mirrored on the at McDonald’s. Students taking
74th year in a row, Brandeis vast brick facades of many art classes, by contrast, might be
has announced a new multi- campus buildings, where three- shown ads for craft materials like
year plan to compensate for story-tall banners will be placed school glue, pipe cleaners, and
the presidential-salary-sized advertising everything from googly eyes.
hole with a new marketing DCL-approved LED string lights
scheme. “We call it ‘ad- to erectile dysfunction pills from “I personally love the
supported education,’” said SSIS. Learning and Teaching LATTE ads,” said chemistry
Beef Stew Uretsky, Executive Technology Environment pseudoprofessor Cloudy
Vice President for Finance and (LATTE), the university’s Blowback, who blackmailed
Administration. “We know many cleverly-named learning ITS into disabling ads for her
of our students are already used management system that account. “I’m able to catch
to seeing ads everywhere, so we definitely doesn’t sound like an students who are submitting
anticipate this will be a welcome early-Internet relic of the 1990s, work at the last minute…
change. We advertise this school will soon undergo a noticeable they’re there, clicking ‘upload’
to applicants, so why not take it upgrade—the inclusion of pop- at 11:52 PM, and then, bam, a
a step further?” up and banner ads throughout ten-minute unskippable ad for
the site. novelty horse dildos starts to
The ad business is notoriously play!”
lucrative in this era of end-stage “This is a great opportunity
capitalism, with the highest- for Brandeis to partner with Ever noticed the emergency
paid YouTubers making tens of local Waltham businesses, sirens atop tall campus
millions on ad revenue alone. evil megacorporations, and buildings? Now they’re being
So, in true Brandeis fashion, everything in between,” said Jim repurposed to broadcast a
the university is taking steps La Creta, CIO, who responded nonstop stream of ads for
to increase the visibility of to Gravity’s inquiries via snail Spotify Premium. The Hiatt
commercial advertising around mail due to Eduroam being Career Center and Brandeis
campus and adopt the latest down again. “With Google’s Arts Engagement, both
money-making trend several AdSense, we’re able to target notorious for their poorly-timed
years after its peak. Hello, fellow ads directly to students based email blasts, are also taking part,
kids! on their course enrollment and with a daily “Sherman Shits”
grades, and get paid a pretty newsletter of curated junk mail
“You’ll notice most of our penny in the process. and malware-laden hyperlinks.
student rooms have white walls,”
said the dumpster raccoon For example, students in Where will all the money earned
currently running DCL in advanced science classes might from this initiative go? EVP
the absence of any remaining see LATTE ads for overpriced Uretsky was hesitant to specify,
professional staff. “This is molecular models or assisted but he suggested that funds
actually great for us, since these suicide kits. And, if they receive would probably be pocketed
blank white walls can be easily bad grades on assignments, these by an administrator-run shell
covered with difficult-to-remove ads might recommend junk food company.
9
That guy swoops in on ye. What doth his name again…?
You try to avoid eye contact- but it’s of no use.. Like a shark scenting blood, the rapscallion apprehends thou.
• Flee, traveler! Turn to page 12 if thy bowels are empty. Turn to page 11 if ye ate at a dining hall. What goeth down must cometh up…
• Cast a spell! Turn to page 10
• Brandish ye flask! If full, turn to page 11. If empty, proceed to Massell Quad and turn to page 10.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

Professor Quotes

I intend to let all of you vote for now accepting suggestions for (Draws dick on board)
the video that will participate in another phrase in keeping with the “Manhattan.” —ENVS
the competition, but since we don’t rhyme scheme. Otherwise we’ll I was busy dealing with some
have time then I will choose it. By be stuck with my idea: liver of a family affairs, because it turns out
the way, this is a Chinese class, so cockatoo. —MUS that there aren’t very many other
democracy is not that important — It’s not like a bunch of ugly people competent people in my family.
CHIN jumped out of a boat and said look Anyway, now we’re getting right
Believe me, Taylor Swift will be a at the sky while I cook my eggs.— back to shit. —NPSY
part of this class. —IGS HIST Is it just me or is it a bit stuffy in
Anyone an expert on horse The birthday goblin still has my here? Well, if I pass out, you can
dentistry? Since none of you know children in therapy. —HIST wait five minutes and then leave.
about horse teeth, I can lie to you If your house burns down before —NPSY
with impunity. —POL the essay is due, I’ll give you an Not all kings got to name
How lucky I am! I have captured extension. But, if I start seeing a themselves, that’s how we end up
victims. —ECON string of arsons connected to this with Enrique el Impotente. —
I am an Elder of Zion. — NEJS class… —POL HIST
The Book of Revelation: I’d advise He ordered a 20-egg omelet and What else do people get from their
you read it high. —HIST people thought, “hey, this guy must pets? And don’t be weird. —AAPI
The crucifixion of Jesus was like a be rich.” So they killed him. — I am going through 6th grade trick-
Purim snuff film. —HIST POL or-treating drama hell. —ANTH
What I don’t understand is why You guys spent an inordinate Student: Why don’t you make a
there isn’t another screen over amount of time writing these blog Google Form?
there, since Brandeis seems so posts that I assigned, especially Professor: I don’t know what that
determined to waste all their since I imagine none of you did the is. —ANTH
money on extra screens… —NPSY readings. —ANTH The masses are stupid, but the
If you have a party on Thursday, God, I hope you guys have read Jews are smart. —NEJS
get crazy hungover, and need an Don Quixote by now. If you Anything else troubling you
extension, I’ll probably give it to haven’t, stop taking science classes guys, aside from the fact that you
you. Of course, it’s easy to say that, and go read Don Quixote. I don’t like my wife anymore? —
it’s Brandeis—the last rockin’ party actually feel a lot like Don Quixote, NPSY
here was probably in 1984… — personally… —NPSY In my class, I poop all over the
NPSY You could save the nails you bit off, concept of a ‘reflex.’ —NPSY
How do we reproduce? —POL and weigh them at the end. I just Now your antenna and other
Because the term ‘blaspheming thought of that. —PSYC appendages should be vibrating
Jew’ is rude and outdated, I am Sometimes God gives you a gift, —ENV
like Liz Truss. —ECON

10

• Oh god, he gets into it. Before thou knowest, hours have passed, and ye’ve missed ye next class. Wretched fiend! Turn to page 12.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Professor Quotes

It serves no purpose. It doesn’t We should boycott Mr. Kanye! Romans find Christians
further the narrative plot. It’s —NEJS annoying, which isn’t a reason to
just cheesecake. —ENG I was told that I should start this persecute anyone. — HIST
In Norweigian it would be class with something funny, and Can’t say President Wilson
pronounced ‘Anal’. —ENVS while I consider myself a funny without saying Racist President
Pooping and sex- two things our person, I cannot be funny on Wilson. — POL
society pretends doesn’t happen. command. Anyway, on that note, So when I first saw those
—POL most of you in here are headed findings, it made me think ‘oh,
It’s all about the children and for at least a B or a B-. —NPSY I just have an incompetent grad
it’s all about sex, just not the two Habermas, deine peanuts! — student.’ But she went ahead
together. —POL HIST and did the study, and oh my
I subscribe to a very specific @aoc, I hate you, please die — fucking god, I was wrong. —
brand of Judaism where I need POL NPSY
to blow up highways. —POL But it turns out that maybe “You can’t advertise on television
You clearly weren’t spanked that neuron that makes the where to buy cocaine. — POL
enough as a child. —ENG/CW rabbit blink might actually be Ok. Let’s talk. About porn. —
Just so you know, I have indeed connected to the butt… — POL
taken my shoes off. —NPSY NPSY If I give everybody As, and
I can guarantee you the As most of us at Brandeis know, the registrar comes to me and
audience won’t look at my the Jews are still here. —HIST complains, I’ll say ‘go fuck
backside and think ‘awe’. –MUS “I didn’t bring a mini fridge, just yourself,’ and give you all As
Where the white people are? — a toaster oven.”—CLAS anyway. —NPSY
ENG/AAPI “Funnily enough, and this I am not encouraging you to
I just got tenured, so I can say reminds me of something that paddle children. —NEJS
this: it’s absolute nonsense! — happened the other day, if the
POL cardiac sphincter is overactive,
Boys have father problems to that’s something that can result
be a healthy male, you have to in projectile vomiting. That’s
kill your father or marry your usually only in infants, or so you
mother. —FILM would think, but anyway..” —
BIOL

“ART BREAK!!!” — LGLS

11

Ye splatter him, and he stands there, shocked. Everyone turns to ye in disgust.
• Flee. Turn to page 12.
• Try to play it off. “Hey, yon scoundrel deserved it…” Turn to page 17.
• Cast a spell! Turn to page 15.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

University Reacts to Garbage Buildup

Due to a labor dispute, kitchen is dumpster this, piece of garbage, but frankly,
the Brandeis dorm kitchen dumpster that, but nothing I couldn’t even perceive
cleaning staff, composed of about what in the world them over the stench of
invisible fairies that magically I’m supposed to do with my decomposing onions coming
delete kitchen waste from containers of rotten eggs and from under the sink. I just
existence, have gone on strike. rancid seafood! I think the take a few sips of Dawn
Unfortunately, many students only option left is to dump Platinum dish soap every now
seem to be unaware of their them on a pile next to (but and then.”
absence, and have continued not in) the overflowing trash —Undecided ’23, Village C
to leave garbage piled on the can.” “Me? No, I don’t mind the
floor just like their mothers —English & Sociology ’25, piles of soaking wet paper
taught them. Gravity staff Massell towels, even if they taste
found that many students “At home, my dear mother a bit like month-old soy
were eager to share their and father always ensured sauce seasoned with a bit of
opinions: that the butlering staff were dried soap scum. University
“As a premed, it’s really quite up to snuff. I’m not really administrators gotta eat too,
frustrating. Every time the sure what our GivingDEIS after all!” —
trash can in my room fills up, Day donations are going -Provost Carol Fierke,
which happens every seven towards, but it certainly PhD ’84
hours because my trashcan wasn’t to larger trash cans. Provost Fierke was unable to
is as full of shit as I am, I’m I can’t be bothered to take complete the interview due to
forced to pour everything the trash outside to a ‘dump- her intervening lunch break
onto the floor right next ster,’ or whatever the peasants in the kitchen of Massell
to the communal fridge. I call it, so I just leave it in the Quad’s Shapiro Lounge
mean, where else would it go? communal kitchen for the “Hey, where are you taking
Outside? In the dumpsters? rabble to deal with.” my lunch?”
Spare me! Also, did you know —Biology & Anthropology, —Harvest Table rodent
I’m premed?” ’24, Skyline mascot, East
—Chemistry, Biochemistry, “Everyone is always telling “These new signs that tell
Biology, '24, Village B me where to put my trash, you to bring your trash to
“Honestly, I’m very confused but no one ever asks how the dumpsters outside will
by all these signs talking to put it there! Like, what, definitely work this time!”
about something called a am I supposed to do? The —burnt-out DCL employee
dumpster. All I see in every underpaid facilities person
told me I was acting like a

12

A harlot in the second row said she’d lend ye her notes. Where is she again?
• Ye brave the waters of the SM Sea! Turn to page 13.
• Ye descend into the Dungeons, a sad place reeking of loneliness, despair, and failed premed. Turn to page 14.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Decorative Air Conditioning

Wish your room was cooler? who plans to resign in a week. major Alaeyna Bingle, who also
Sick of Skyline Supremacists “Anyway, living in a shared works as an academic advisor
complaining about their AC space without air conditioning on the side due to the entire
not being cold enough? Feeling is a great community-building department taking a leave of
lonely despite the multitude experience for our residents, absence. “It doesn’t actually
of insect companions in your and using decorative AC units work, of course, but it makes me
room in East/Massell/North/ lets us keep the buildings nice feel like I’m important enough
anywhere but Village, Ridge, and toasty. Trauma bonding, to be kept comfortable. I can see
or Skyline? Wonder what in the am I right? Not to mention it’s Skyline from my basement room
world your “student activity fee” cheaper!” Craigslist laughed as in East, but with this decorative
is paying for? they cranked up the AC of the AC, I almost feel like I’m really
Good news! The Brandeis DCL car. there! And now I feel as hot as
URCC is pleased to announce Gravity staff also interviewed my TA for the class I’m failing!”
a special collaboration between a few students who got terrible Dining vendor Harvest Table,
DCL and the Department of housing numbers because their whose arrival on campus
Fine Arts to develop a selection parents didn’t donate money. “I has been met with universal
of student-made decorative air thought the use of paper mache acclaim, is reportedly redirecting
conditioning units crafted from was really creative,” said that resources to help with the project
paper mache. These will be used one humanities major taking as well. “We’ve already put so
to give overheated residents an upper-level science class. “It much effort into rebranding
a taste of what it feels like to starts to melt a bit when the ourselves from ‘Dining Services’
have an air conditioner. Even indoor temperature gets into the to ‘Brandeis Hospitality,’ but
though many rooms have no triple digits, but I love being able what does hospitality really
air conditioning, these hand- to look at that air conditioner- mean, anyway?” wondered
crafted imitations can help fill shaped blob on my windowsill Dining Services as they placed
the shoulder-months-sized void and imagine what it could be trash cans under the leaking
in your soul. like to have climate control. And, ceiling in Lower Usdan Kitchen.
“While these units are non- if my heat stroke causes brain “We have all these big kitchen
functional and non-useful, we damage, I might have a shot at facilities that can be used to
welcome this opportunity to housing accommodations next make paper mache, and all these
provide all Brandeis students year!” friendly staff that we definitely
with the experience of having “I was so excited when DCL pay a living wage, so what else
a physical air conditioning unit woke me up to deliver my new would we use them for? Cooking
in their room,” said DCL’s ‘air conditioner’ at 7:30am enough food during peak hours?
Assistant Associate Coordinating on a Saturday,” said WGS- Imagine!”
Director SkinStealer Craigslist, HSSP-IGS-WTF quadruple

13

Ye encounters a band of software pirates. Yarrgg!!!
• Cast a spell! Turn to page 14.
• Go home. Turn to page 16.

Fall 2022 An Ode to Louis Gravity Magazine

Poetry Corner Prof. Daddy

Fruity-tooty

I ate a fruit, it tasted Dear Louis D You know who you are
good You gorgeous soul Handling that chalk like a
It tasted fruity, like it I dream about you in my supple lover
should dreams I wish I could tell you how
It tasted like a fruit You fill my heart like a much my heart burns
should be gallon jug Not from Sherm-related
spandex and somewhat Of milk indigestion
lube-y Tasty milk But from my love for you
I love fruit now, it tastes 2% If only I didn’t have
so swell None of that skim shit performance issues
You should try some fruit In your class I mean
as well! ________ Shapiro I totally don’t have other
performance-related
The Brandeis Oh Shapiro; you’re my issues
Daddy Collection: hero stop it
Sugar Pappa left and right please, I’m sensitive
Presidential Are you but one, or one of It’s totally normal, okay?
Luncheon many?
This question keeps me up
Invited to the at night
Presidential Luncheon Oh Shapiro, what did they
An incredibly tasty treat promise?
A chance to say hi to Ol’ Your name up in lights?
Pappy Ron Students chanting your
And glance at his glorious name?
feet All that and more, my
darling Shapiro
Buy me another building
daddy?

14

Ye’ve finally encountered the legendary Shapiro-Shapiro, two-backed beast of iniquity, and fabled donor of Brandeis!
No, wait, it’s just some kid telling you to simmer down. Damn, guess you LARPed too hard.
• Turn to page 17.

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Brandeis, Please Take Us Back - Sodexo

Dear Brandeis, maybe when you looked into Brandeis, I am here at the
I just wanted to write to you. their cute robotic eyes you might other end and I am telling you
I don’t know if it will change see in their reflection the love that I was wrong. What we had
anything but I felt like I had we once shared. I thought that was real. It wasn’t perfect, but
to say this, and I don’t think I bringing such beautiful, young it was real. I felt real with you. I
could forgive myself if I knew life into our relationship might felt seen. I felt understood with
that I didn’t at least try. remind us of what love was, and you, and that means the world.
So, here goes… maybe how to love; but I should So Brandeis, I am here writing
After ten years of being together have known better. Bringing to you from the bottom of my
perhaps things had gotten little robotic tykes into this world heart. No more ego, no more
stale, much like the desserts at wasn’t the solution, but only expectation, nothing more than
Sherman. showed us how far apart we had love.
Perhaps I got bored, perhaps I really grown. I know you have somebody else
stopped trying. Perhaps you did So I decided that that was it, and now, somebody who takes care
too. Perhaps we spent so much maybe you did too. Instead, we of you. Somebody who feeds
time together that we stopped focused on just getting through, you and keeps you full at night.
being able to see the good on just making it to the end of But Brandeis, please, please just
things and could only see what the race. We stopped talking tell me; is what you have with
was bad. about our problems because it Harvest Table as real as what
to you; the chicken that was was easier to just sweep them we had? I hope and pray that it
either rubbery or undercooked, under the rug. We stopped trying isn’t. I hope and pray that after
the ‘fresh’ fruit and veggies, the to fix things because it was easier reading this letter you stop and
‘kosher’ section. to let them slowly fall apart. think and realize that maybe,
And to me; so ungrateful, as if We stopped, and quietly told just maybe, the right provider
you didn’t notice how hard I ourselves that at the end of the has been there all along.
worked every single day to put year it would be over. We could So Brandeis, my love, let me ask
food on your plate and keep both move on with our lives, and you just one question. It is by far
you full. How hard I worked to that would be it. the most important thing I will
keep you healthy and strong, so But Brandeis, I am here at ever ask.
that you could chase after your the other end. And I have not Brandeis, will you take me back?
dreams without having to think moved on. I can’t, and I know Forever yours,
twice about an empty stomach. because I’ve tried. I tried to get
We tried to keep things alive, over you, tried to find other
to breathe life back into our colleges that were new and
relationship. I brought you exciting and different, but none
Kiwibots, and thought that of it mattered. Because none of
them are you.

15

Like Moshe parting the red sea, they scatter.
• Go to class? Page 4.
• Go study? Page 12.
• Go home. Page 15.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

Devil’s Lettuce Discovered at Brandeis :o

After a lengthy investigation, marijuana use. Please appears that Brandeis has
Brandeis Police discover disregard their remarks). had an influx of animal
the weird, weed-like smell In an attempt to dissuade migration, as students have
coming from freshman form further marijuana use on recently mass reported a
is, in fact, weed. campus, admin has created strong, harsh skunk smell
an ignorable module on near their residences– the
While police aren’t normally LATTE to better educate entirety of the Charles
called for student conduct students on the dangers River Quad, and the woods
issues, they were summoned of drugs. Included in this behind IBS, the woods
because the CA on call was course are common side- behind North, and all of
unavailable, as they were effects of marijuana, such East. Nobody has reported
also under investigation for as red eyes, everything actually seeing any skunks,
marijuana usage. DCL was tasting better, and looking but it smells like skunk
unreachable for comment sick as hell. Additionally, near all the residence halls,
because their four (4) BranPo issued a school-wide so that must be it. Yeah,
remaining employees were bulletin with the names skunks…
busily flushing their stash and addresses of all dealers
down the toilet. and dispensaries within a
25 mile radius, so students
‘We were frankly shocked,’ know which areas to avoid.
a representative from the
Health Center, Mx. Ima Due to completely unrelated
Highes, later said. ‘We have reasons, professors have
incredibly reliable, self- complained that many of
reported data from super their students are showing
dooper trustworthy students up to class bleary-eyed
who say 89% of them don’t and holding Funyuns.
use cannabis and we just, Admin has attributed this
like, believed them? Well, to seasonal allergies and
fool us once…’ hormonal cravings, and
prescribed all students
(The aforementioned Sudafed. Nothing could go
representative from the wrong with that!
Health Center has also been
suspended for suspected Equally unrelated, it

16

Ye’ve finally made it through the day. Fuck that nonsense…
• Return to page 2. Repeat ad infinitum until 4 years have passed and ye graduate/drop out. Accursed time wizards. :(

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

Brandeis Admin on Menstrual Advocacy

Hey cunts! light flow *Please keep this behavior contained to the Women’s Studies
Ever notice the lack of • Roommate’s white Research Center (515 South Street).
accessible period products
at Brandeis? Some whiney pillowcase (tie dye is back
bitches claim menstrual in!)
products should be free. • Large squishmallow for
What losers! What are heavy flow
they?? Poor? • Campus rabbit
Here at Brandeis we believe • Ollie the Owl plushie
womb owners should pay • Judge Brandeis’ robes
for their sins, but some of (located in University
you fallopian fucks have Archives)
been complaining that the • Styrofoam containers
Brandeis sanitary product from The Stein
dispensers won’t give you • Splinter-filled swing by
your cotton accessories Usdan
even when you feed it your • Hallway condom
precious coins. Idk, stick • Umbrella
your finger up the machine • Adult diaper(s)
and pull something out, you • Friend with blood fetish
lesbians. • Sponge from East janitor
In the name of equity and closet
inclusion, and to protect our • Miscellaneous industrial
valued furniture from your carpeting
pussy blood, we’ve compiled • Spare Gravity magazine
a list of tampon and pad • Hoot or Justice
replacements to cushion Newspaper (see: item
your monthly flow: number one, Toilet
• Toilet paper paper)
• Paper towels • Duct tape. Seal it up!
• Cupped hand
• Small squishmallow for Bonus: Free bleed!* That’s
so feminist of you!! Yass
queen!!!

Xoxo, 17
Admin

Ye are a foul and disgusting beast. Leave in shame, yon piece of shit.
• Turn to page 16.

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

President Ronald D. Liebowitz: The Inside Scoop

As part of an effort to increase the food from our friends at Harvest but that’s because no one but
visibility of University leadership, Table before returning to my me ever swims in it! It’s actually
President Ron Liebowitz is leading a office. heated year-round, with water
new initiative to document his daily 1:30pm — Take a nap. No jets like my Jaccuzi at home. If
routine on campus. Printed editions of one has ever been inside the you don’t mind the overgrowth
the Ron Liebowitz Diaries (12 pages) Irving Presidential Enclave, so I of reeds and muddy bottom, it’s
can be purchased at the Brandeis wouldn’t expect you simpletons actually quite pleasant. Dean
Bookstore for $77.99. to know this, but I actually of Arts and Sciences Dorothy
Greetings Students, Faculty, have a fully-furnished bedroom Hodgson sometimes corrals all
Staff, miscellaneous Brandesians, adjacent to my office so that I the a capella groups to serenade
What follows is my general may enjoy a respite from my me while I bathe.
daily itinerary. In an effort to email-sending toil. 5pm — Golf in the Shiffman
spend less time at home with 3:00pm — President’s Cabinet Humanities Quad with Eve
Mrs. Jessica Liebowitz and meeting. Sometimes, I will invite Marder, the Victor and
more time in the office “doing the Cabinet into my bedroom Gwendolyn Beinfield Professor
work” (as the Trustees call it), I to discuss pressing issues while of Biology. Brandeis has so
have transitioned many of my I relax. Meredith Ainbinder, many hills that playing golf on
home activities to an on-campus my Chief of Staff and Senior campus can be quite difficult,
modality: Advisor, will usually style but no one has ever known
11:30am — Arrive at Brandeis my hair during this meeting. Ronald D. Liebowitz to shirk
by car. If so many of our Afterwards, there may be a a challenge! Sometimes I putt
students sleep in, why can’t I? photoshoot in one of the newer from atop the Rabb steps, just to
Sometimes, I will chuckle at campus buildings. watch the students slip and slide
student pedestrians as they go 3:30pm — 1:1 meeting with on the golf balls as they rush to
about their little lives. If I am Provost Fierke. Carol and I are class.
in the mood for environmental best buds. She talks to me about 5:30pm — Email-writing
virtue signaling, I will travel by University business while I snack drafting session with LeManuel
e-scooter, like the kids do. on Swedish Fish (I always keep “Lee” Bitsóí, Vice President of
12:00pm — Eat lunch. This a bag in my back pocket). When Diversity, Equity and Inclusion.
depends on the day; I may I’m supposed to respond to one As many know, the main
either dine on some bird seed of her questions, I usually let responsibility of any university
in my office, or “borrow” a her respond to herself for me. president worth their salt is to
key from Facilities to raid the She does great impressions—you send emails. Usually, he will have
Village A vending machine (I should hear her imitation of Jim prepared a list of miscellaneous
love beef jerky and jellybeans!). La Creta, CIO! hate crimes from the headlines
On occasion, I may also visit the 4pm — Relax in the Chapels for me to condemn—it’s
Faculty Club and lovingly gaze Pond. Many people think that important the community not
at some re-plated dining hall the water must be cold and filthy, think that Brandeis is

18

Gravity Magazine make sure that I am definitely, Fall 2022
antisemetic. I then select one or definitely not supporting the on my mountains of cash. But
two for my staff to ghost-write. fossil fuel industry in any way much like the Princess and the
We all know antisemitism is bad, (this statement is endorsed by my Pea, it was too hard for my
but did you know racism is too? PR team and lawyers)! spinal alignment so I moved
What a crazy world lmao. 7:00pm — Retire for the to my feather mattress (what
evening. What a busy day! It’s a else would we do with all those
5:33pm — I return home and wonder they don’t pay me more. turkeys on campus?). Brandeis
pretend to check emails on my Usually, I will read The Justice may sometimes struggle
Fisher Price® Laugh & Learn to lull me to sleep, or perhaps financially, but I sure don’t.
Laptop™ while my housekeeper a copy of The Hoot from the
makes dinner. If it is a Friday, I toilet paper cabinet.
direct my Tesla to travel to the 7:30pm — I finally fall asleep
scrapyard on autopilot. I buy
a new Tesla every Sunday, to
appease Divest Brandeis and

Blood Pact Leads to Monkeypox Outbreak
At 1:27 PM, our source, who we had absolutely no clue what they me a ton of negative energy
will nickname “Don”, was per- were doing when they right now. It’s not good for my
forming a blood pact with their performed the blood pact with recovery.”
roommates and a few friends their friends. In fact, none of As one can expect, a Monkey-
in a forced triple in Shapiro. them knew how to perform a pox outbreak then spread just
Unfortunately, unbeknownst to blood pact. Instead of pricking as fast as Timothee Chalamet
Don at the time, they had con- their fingers with a needle, they spread chlamydia at NYU. What
tracted the Monkeypox virus decided to use a hunting knife didn’t help was that the floor
earlier that day. When asked Don’s dad had bought them for that Don lived on was exclusive-
where they could have possibly their 16th birthday. ly filled with triples, so a total
contracted the virus they said, Unfortunately, Don and his of 163 students contracted the
“I don’t know. I think I got, like, friends did not know that they virus, except the CA of the floor,
bad karma or something be- only had to prick their fingers who said “I don’t know, I wasn’t
cause I shoplifted thirteen king- and none of them had working on duty so it really isn’t in my
sized bags of Swedish Fish and knowledge of anatomy, so one jurisdiction. Don always seemed
a ton of Nyquil from the c-store. thing led to another and they like the type to do weird shit
Oh, and I was also dared by accidentally ruptured Don’s ar- like that”. We also reached out
my friends to go deep diving in tery. Don describes “it was like, to DCL, but they told us “that’s
Massell Pond to see if there were insane. My blood just squirted not our problem. What students
any unopened White Claw cans everywhere. It was kind of funny do in their rooms is not really a
we could drink. I became friends at the time, but now I have to community standards concern
with a snapping turtle but he bit wash my rug and sheets, and my unless they’re doing drugs. Were
me, so maybe that’s what caused roommates are like, not willing they snorting the blood?”
it?”. to help me clean it even though
To make matters worse, Don I’m sick. They’re really giving

19

Fall 2022 Gravity Magazine

THERE GETTING RID OF RED LOBSTER ??!?!

20

Gravity Magazine Fall 2022

39. twenty second word of the song 24. a word in the best song ever
like a G6 25. a word in the best song ever
26. twentieth word of the song like a
40. twenty first word of the song like G6
a G6 28. fifth word of the song like a G6
29. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6
30. a word in the best song ever
32. a word in the best song ever
33. a think held by bottles
34. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6
36. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6
41. opposite of out

Across Down

2. twenty ninth word of the song like 1. sixteenth word of the song like a G6
a G6 4. a word in the best song ever
3. a word in the best song ever 5. twenty eight word of the song like a
6. twenty fourth word of the song like G6 7. fourteenth word of the song like
a G6 a G6
8. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6 10. fifteenth word of the song like a
9. a word in the best song ever G6
13. a word in the best song ever 11. yuh
14. a word in the best song ever 12. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6
15. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6 13. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6
16. a word in the best song ever 16. a word commonly used in tangent
17. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6 with umm
20. fourth word of the song like a G6 17. what holds drinks
21. who, what, ...., where 18. a word in the best song ever
23. a word in the best song ever 19. twenty sixth word of the song like
27. a word in the best song ever a G6
29. first word of the song like a G6 21. two words back
30. tenth word of the song like a G6 22. twenty fifth word of the song like
31. Now I’m feelin’ so fly like a G6 a G6
32. a word in the best song ever
33. thirteenth word of the song like a
G6
35. opposite of out
37. nineteenth word of the song like
a G6
38. a winter storm

21

Gravity Magazine Fall 2016

Title Text

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, ipsum ex, nec blandit urna lacinia rhoncus velit.
consectetur adipiscing elit. facilisis vitae. Nunc suscipit Mauris nec elit at ante feugiat
Mauris pretium sed enim ut pretium massa, sed hendrerit sodales euismod vel turpis. Sed
pharetra. Nulla purus neque, diam viverra interdum. id nulla sit amet elit sollicitudin
tempor eu maximus nec, gravida Suspendisse vitae feugiat vehicula quis nec libero. Donec
non massa. Proin in lacus ex. magna. Curabitur vel tellus ac arcu fringilla, viverra tortor
Aliquam ut porttitor neque. ut dolor egestas efficitur eu in, elementum tortor. Integer
Nunc quis arcu pellentesque, sit amet enim. Praesent vitae mattis tellus sed quam accumsan
blandit lacus ac, luctus elit. Sed dolor mauris. Pellentesque placerat. Cras sollicitudin
pretium neque id auctor mattis. pretium arcu at commodo malesuada lacus convallis
In quis pulvinar turpis. luctus. Etiam eget libero lorem. molestie. Donec vulputate
Ut placerat urna non rutrum Sed faucibus magna eu sapien interdum orci, dignissim lobortis
porttitor. Nunc dapibus, felis vel facilisis maximus. Suspendisse mi maximus sit amet. Fusce in
scelerisque sodales, nisl purus fermentum, quam et fermentum blandit enim, in porttitor nibh.
volutpat nibh, non porta turpis bibendum, nunc neque mattis Mauris at nunc suscipit felis
lacus ac mi. Praesent dapibus nisi, a condimentum neque tincidunt blandit. Etiam et diam
dapibus laoreet. Donec lacinia libero malesuada justo. in est sollicitudin pellentesque et
placerat magna, vel consectetur Ut a eleifend nisi, eu tempor eu lorem.
ex faucibus ut. Mauris gravida nulla. Mauris maximus rutrum Mauris nec elit at ante feugiat
libero quam. Pellentesque dolor vel imperdiet. Morbi sodales euismod vel turpis. Sed
rhoncus vel ipsum in fermentum. sodales vulputate lorem, eget id nulla sit amet elit sollicitudin
Pellentesque fringilla elit vel placerat massa gravida eu. vehicula quis nec libero. Donec
dolor porttitor, vel aliquet nunc Vestibulum ut ligula nisi. Nunc ac arcu fringilla, viverra tortor
ornare. Nam urna libero, egestas ac erat pretium, suscipit mi id, in, elementum tortor. Integer
eget lobortis non, ultrices non euismod velit. In elementum mattis tellus sed quam accumsan
lorem. Suspendisse pretium enim felis, quis interdum velit placerat. Cras sollicitudin
nulla pharetra, mattis risus ut, pellentesque et. Donec vitae malesuada lacus convallis
hendrerit dui. lectus rutrum, posuere nulla molestie. Donec vulputate
Fusce vitae nibh sed est ac, viverra odio. Proin rhoncus interdum orci, dignissim lobortis
porttitor vestibulum nec eu felis. iaculis hendrerit. Praesent mi maximus sit amet. Fusce in
Pellentesque auctor quis ante eu vitae placerat felis, sodales blandit enim, in porttitor nibh.
varius. Fusce laoreet neque sit tristique justo. Donec vitae Mauris at nunc suscipit felis
amet tempus rutrum. Curabitur finibus elit. Etiam tincidunt ac tincidunt blandit. Etiam et diam
id cursus nulla. Sed sed nisi vel dui id eleifend. In non finibus in est sollicitudin pellentesque et
magna placerat blandit nec sit quam. Proin rhoncus purus eu lorem.
amet sapien. Ut ultricies ex nec erat, vel vehicula tortor placerat
pulvinar laoreet. Pellentesque quis. Morbi mi erat, cursus id
luctus non sapien id viverra. condimentum ut, consequat sit
Donec et blandit est. Nulla et amet magna. Proin a rutrum
odio ligula. Quisque pretium tellus. Nulla velit sapien,
tincidunt ultricies lacus in,

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