CENTER FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

CENTER FOR EFFECTIVE PARENTING

Sibling Rivalry They will realize that their parents
and the Birth no longer have as much time for
of a New Baby them as they used to. They will
notice that the new baby gets a lot
Probably all children who have a of attention from both parents.
brother or sister will experience
sibling rivalry at one time or another. Most of the time, children feel love
Sibling rivalry is a natural, normal and admiration for a new brother or
phenomenon. It can take many sister. But, children, especially
different forms and can have any older children, may also feel anger or
number of different causes. Often, jealousy at times. These conflicting
the most upsetting to children, feelings can be very confusing to
however, is the rivalry that comes older children.
with the birth of a sibling.
Generally, sibling rivalry is the
The arrival of a new baby is a joyous strongest when children are between
one and three years of age at their
time for a family. For older sibling’s birth. One-to-three year-
olds are still very dependent on
children, though, this is often a time parents to meet their needs. They
haven’t learned how to share their
of confusion. Older children’s daily parents or anything else for that
matter. A new baby can be very
routines are often disturbed. While threatening. After the age of
three, children become more
their mothers are in the hospital, independent. They don’t depend on
their parents as much to get their
older children may even have to stay needs met. For example, three-
year-olds may by this age be toilet
at the home of a relative or friend, trained and able to feed themselves.
They may have friends outside of
which can be even more upsetting. the home and, therefore, won’t be as
possessive of their parents as
After the new baby is brought home younger children.
from the hospital, older children will
see their lives change in many ways. It is generally thought that first-
born children have the toughest time

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences

Artwork by Scott Snider

©1997 Page 1

adjusting to the birth of a sibling. *Covert Hostility – Some children
For all of their lives, they haven’t may act very loving toward the new
had to share their parents with baby, and then exhibit hostility in
anyone. It’s quite an adjustment to other ways. Sometimes, hostility is
have to learn to share so suddenly. very subtle, for example, a hug that
is so hard that the new baby cries.
What to Expect from Older
Children *Withdrawal – Older children may
react to their new brother or sister
Sibling rivalry takes many shapes and by withdrawing. They may become
forms. Here are some common very quiet, mope around, and/or
reactions to the birth of a sibling: refuse to go out and play.

*Regression – Behaviors parents *Attention-seeking behavior – To
might have thought their children get more attention from their
had outgrown may return. For parents, older children may resort to
example, toilet-trained children may all kinds of behavior. They often
begin to have accidents. Thumb become more demanding and
sucking may return. Older children difficult.
may want to drink out of a bottle
again. These behaviors are normal, How to Prepare the Older Child
and they probably won’t last very for a New Sibling
long. Thus, parents shouldn’t worry.
Sibling rivalry is inevitable. There is
*Jealousy – Children will probably no way that parents can eliminate it
feel jealous, especially about the completely. There are, however,
time and attention the new baby some things that can be done to
receives from parents and others. minimize sibling rivalry and jealousy.
Preparing older children for the
*Overt Hostility – Children may birth of a sibling is one thing that
express anger and hostility towards will make the transition from only
the new baby. Although this is children to older children a smooth
perfectly normal, it is important that one. Here are some things parents
parents make it known to their can do.
children that hitting or hurting the *Tell your children about the
new baby is not allowed. pregnancy. Parents shouldn't tell
their children too soon, however.

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences

Artwork by Scott Snider

©1997 Page 2

Eight or nine months is a long time to children help get the baby's room
ready. Parents can take their older
wait for a sibling to be born. children on a tour of hospital. This
way, they will know exactly where
Instead, parents should wait until their mother will be while she's
away. If the expectant parents are
the pregnancy shows. Some up to it, they can take their older
children to a prenatal check-up and
professionals recommend waiting let them listen to their new brother
or sister's heartbeat. After the
until at least the third trimester or baby is born, parent should let the
older children visit the hospital, if
until children ask about their it's allowed, and let them hold the
baby if they want to.
mother's changing shape.
*Make arrangements so that the
*Tell your children what to expect. arrival of the new baby changes
Parents should explain to their older older children lives as little as
children exactly what will happen to possible. If parents plan to make
them while their mother is in the changes in her older children's lives
hospital. Parent should let their such as changing bedrooms, moving
children know who will be taking care older children from a crib to a bed,
of them, where they will be staying, etc., they should try to do so months
and when they will be able to see and before the baby arrives. This will
talk to both parents and the new minimize older children's feelings
baby. Parents should try to prepare that they are being moved out of the
their children for the changes that way to make room for the new baby.
will occur in their lifestyle after the
new baby comes home from the Other Things to do to
hospital. Parents should mention Minimize Rivalry
that they will be very busy with the
new baby, that the new baby will cry *Encourage older children to help
a lot and will eat and sleep a lot. with the baby. Parents should try
Parents should also explain to their to ease their older children into
children that although caring for the their new role as big sister or big
baby will take a lot of time, this brother. Parent should let their
doesn't mean that they are loved any children help take care of the baby.
less.

*Include your children in what is
going on. Parents should let their
older children take part in any
preparations for the new child. For
example, parents can let their older

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences

Artwork by Scott Snider

©1997 Page 3

Even small children can fetch *Don’t ask older children if they
diapers, etc. Parent should then let want a brother or sister. They
their older children know how much have no choice in the matter.
they appreciate the help. Parents
should be careful, however, not to *Don’t tell older children that the
turn their children into servants. If new baby will be a playmate for
older children do not want to help, them. The new baby will probably
parents shouldn’t force them. be quite a nuisance to older children.
The new baby probably won’t be a
*Spend time alone with the older playmate for several years.
children. Parents should make sure
they have plenty of special time to *Don’t ignore unacceptable
spend with their children. Older
children need to know that their behavior. It won’t go away.
parents haven’t abandoned them.
Parents should try to make time for Instead, identify and deal with it
their older children when the baby is
awake, as well as asleep. This way immediately.
older children won’t think the baby
has to be out of the way for parents *Don’t rush older children into
to spend time with them. mastering new skills like toilet
training before the baby is born.
*Be patient, understanding, and If older children are not ready for
supportive. This can be a very toilet training well before the birth
difficult time for older children. of the new baby, it is best to wait
They need to be shown and told that until after the baby is born and
they are still loved very much. things have settled down around the
Older children need to be reassured house. If older children are not
by parents. Parents should tell and weaned, it is best to accomplish this
show their older children that they well before the baby is born.
still love them and that they are still
important. How to Handle Rivalry When It
Occurs
Don’ts
*For older children, encourage
talking about feelings. Parents
should encourage their children to
discuss their feelings, whether
they’re good or bad. Parents should
gear conversations toward their

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences

Artwork by Scott Snider

©1997 Page 4

children’s level of understanding. *Deal with negative or attention-
Parents should let their older getting behaviors immediately.
children know that they understand They won’t go away if parents ignore
that what they are going through them.
must be tough.
*Don’t force older children to
*If children withdraw, parents share their possessions. Young
children often have difficulty
should provide frequent sharing their belongings. Increased
rivalry will probably occur if older
reassurance and affection. children who are upset by the arrival
of a new sibling are asked to share
*Set limits on anger and hostility. their belongings with their new
Parent should define acceptable and sibling.
not acceptable behavior. Parents
should not leave children alone Sibling rivalry is unavoidable.
together unsupervised. If parents Whenever two or more children live
observe hostility, they should try together, there are bound to be
not to scold or punish. Instead, conflicts and jealousy. Parents can’t
they should redirect the behavior. eliminate sibling rivalry. They can,
Parents should reassure their older however, help to minimize it.
children that they are loved, that Expecting and preparing for this
it’s okay to be angry, but that it’s inevitability will help parents make
not okay to hurt the baby. life easier for themselves and for
their children.
*Be realistic. Parents shouldn’t
expect their older children to Center for Effective Parenting
smother their new baby with love Little Rock Center: (501) 364-7580
and affection immediately. It will NW Arkansas Center: (479) 751-6166
take time for older children to warm
up to and get used to their new www.parenting-ed.org
sibling.

*Try to sympathize with older
children. Parents should provide
their older children with ways to
express their negative feelings and
thoughts by listening.

Written by Kristin Zolten, M.A. & Nicholas Long, Ph.D., Department of Pediatrics, University of Arkansas for Medical Sciences

Artwork by Scott Snider

©1997 Page 5