APRIL 2026VOL. 5 PRISMFL.ORG ISSUE 2SPONSORED BYSpecial Edition: This issue contains intentionally fabricated stories for journalism ethics week.VISIT US ONLINE AT: OUTFAU.COM | INSTAGRAM: @OUTFAUFAKENEWSStudent Government Officials Vanish With $5 Million in FundsSEE PAGE 5
2 OUTFAU | THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026OutFAU newspaper is a part of J&J Media Group. You should not presume the sexual orientation or gender identity of any featured individuals solely based on their names, appearance, or inclusion within this publication. Any opinions shared within stories, columns, graphics, or letters to the editor should not be assumed to represent the opinions of OutFAU or its publisher. Any stories or content, either in print or online, and also including any articles that are featured in conjunction with any media partners, are protected under federal copyright and intellectual property laws, and this ownership is carefully and jealously guarded by this media group. Nothing that is published may be reprinted, either in whole or in part, without first receiving written consent from Publisher, Jason Parsley. OutFAU is owned by Jason Parsley and Justin Wyse, and is represented legally by Russell Cormican. As a private corporation, J&J Media Group reserves the right to enforce its own standards regarding the suitability of advertising copy, illustrations, and photographs.Copyright © 2026 J&J Media Group.Executive BoardCHRISTIAN “CJ” WALDEN - EXECUTIVE EDITORJOSEPH “JOEY” MANSOUR - DEPUTY EDITORDesignerJULIE PALMERContributorsCHRISTIAN “CJ” WALDEN JOSEPH “JOEY” MANSOUR • MARY RASURA KY WALKER • CHEYENNE E. BODDIENICHOLAS “NICK” SILANOAdvisorsMICHAEL KORETZKY • JASON PARSLEYBRENDON LIES • AURORA DOMINGUEZSales & MarketingFOR AD PLACEMENT, CALL 954-514-7095OR EMAIL [email protected] RASURAFIRST COPY IS FREE, EACH ADDITIONAL IS 50 CENTSOUTAPRIL 2026 | VOL. 5 • ISSUE 2FAUSpot an error? Let us know at [email protected] publication is solely the expression of the author and/or publisher and it is not an official publication of Florida Atlantic University, nor is it in any way intended to express any policies or opinions of Florida Atlantic University, or its personnel.This issue of OutFAU is filled with literal fake news. Here’s why. Before I ever stepped into a publication, edited a story, or thought about what kind of journalist I wanted to be, I was taught that ethics are what make journalism matter.Ethics are what separate journalism from noise, rumor, propaganda, and performance. They are what make reporting a public service instead of just content. At its best, journalism informs people, challenges power, exposes wrongdoing, and helps communities better understand the world around them. But none of that is possible without a foundation of truth, fairness, accountability, and responsibility.More broadly, ethics are essential to society itself. They shape how we treat one another, how we use power, how we build trust, and how we decide what we owe the people around us. Without ethics, public life becomes defined by manipulation, self-interest, and harm. In journalism, the consequences are especially serious. When ethical standards are ignored, misinformation spreads more easily, trust erodes more quickly, and the public is left less informed and more vulnerable.That is why the Society of Professional Journalists’ Code of Ethics matters. Its guiding principles — seek truth and report it, minimize harm, act independently, and be accountable and transparent — are not just suggestions for good writing. They are a reminder that journalism carries responsibility. The work journalists do has realconsequences for real people, and ethical decision-making is part of doing that work well.That is also why SPJ Ethics Week is so important.Ethics Week is not only about recognizing good journalism. It is also about asking us to think critically about what happens when those standards disappear. That is what makes SPJ’s SIN Contest so effective. By creating an intentionally unethical issue, journalists are challenged to show readers what journalism can look like when accuracy, compassion, independence, and accountability are abandoned. The goal is not to celebrate unethical journalism. It is to expose how absurd, harmful, and dangerous it can become.This issue is satire. It is ridiculous, messy, dramatic, and intentionally full of ethical violations. But behind the humor is a serious point: journalism without ethics is not brave, edgy, or more “real.” It is reckless. It can distort the truth, damage trust, and harm the very public journalism is meant to serve.The reality, of course, is that journalism is imperfect because journalists are human. Ethical lapses happen. CHRISTIAN “CJ” WALDEN EXECUTIVE EDITORThis Issue is Fake. The Lesson is Real.COVER: Photo via ChatGPT.LETTER FROM THE EDITORSome reporters and outlets fall short of the standards they should uphold. But there are also many journalists doing thoughtful, courageous, and deeply ethical work every day. There are people in this profession who take their obligations seriously and who understand that credibility is earned through care, honesty, and transparency.OutFAU is proud to participate in SPJ’s SIN Contest for the second year in a row. We hope this issue makes you laugh, cringe, and think more deeply about the role ethics play not just in journalism, but in public life. We also encourage you to check out OutFAU’s 2025 entry and to keep reflecting on what is lost when ethical standards disappear.Because ethics do not limit journalism. They are what make it worthy of public trust in the first place. Photo courtesy of Christian “CJ” Walden.Check out OutFAU’s 2025 SIN Issue Here:Subscribe to our newsletter!
THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026 | OUTFAU 3PreambleMembers of the Society of Professional Journalists believe that public enlightenment is the forerunner of justice and the foundation of democracy. Ethical journalism strives to ensure the free exchange of information that is accurate, fair and thorough. An ethical journalist acts with integrity.The Society declares these four principles as the foundation of ethical journalism and encourages their use in its practice by all people in all media.Seek Truth and Report ItEthical journalism should be accurate and fair. Journalists should be honest and courageous in gathering, reporting and interpreting information.Journalists should:• Take responsibility for the accuracy of their work. Verify information before releasing it. Use original sources whenever possible.• Remember that neither speed nor format excuses inaccuracy. • Provide context. Take special care not to misrepresent or oversimplify in promoting, previewing or summarizing a story. • Gather, update and correct information throughout the life of a news story. • Be cautious when making promises, but keep the promises they make. • Identify sources clearly. The public is entitled to as much information as possible to judge the reliability and motivations of sources. • Consider sources’ motives before promising anonymity. Reserve anonymity for sources who may face danger, retribution or other harm, and have information that cannot be obtained elsewhere. Explain why anonymity was granted. • Diligently seek subjects of news coverage to allow them to respond to criticism or allegations of wrongdoing. • Avoid undercover or other surreptitious methods of gathering information unless traditional, open methods will not yield information vital to the public. • Be vigilant and courageous about holding those with power accountable. Give voice to the voiceless. • Support the open and civil exchange of views, even views they find repugnant. • Recognize a special obligation to serve as watchdogs over public affairs and government. Seek to ensure that the public’s business is conducted in the open, and that public records are open to all. • Provide access to source material when it is relevant and appropriate. • Boldly tell the story of the diversity and magnitude of the human experience. Seek sources whose voices we seldom hear. • Avoid stereotyping. Journalists should examine the ways their values and experiences may shape their reporting. • Label advocacy and commentary. • Never deliberately distort facts or context, including visual information. Clearly label illustrations and re-enactments. • Never plagiarize. Always attribute.Minimize HarmEthical journalism treats sources, subjects, colleagues and members of the public as human beings deserving of respect.Journalists should:• Balance the public’s need for information against potential harm or discomfort. Pursuit of the news is not a license for arrogance or undue intrusiveness. • Show compassion for those who may be affected by news coverage. Use heightened sensitivity when dealing with juveniles, victims of sex crimes, and sources or subjects who are inexperienced or unable to give consent. Consider cultural differences in approach and treatment. • Recognize that legal access to information differs from an ethical justification to publish or broadcast. • Realize that private people have a greater right to control information about themselves than public figures and others who seek power, influence or attention. Weigh the consequences of publishing or broadcasting personal information. • Avoid pandering to lurid curiosity, even if others do. • Balance a suspect’s right to a fair trial with the public’s right to know. Consider the implications of identifying criminal suspects before they face legal charges. • Consider the long-term implications of the extended reach and permanence of publication. Provide updated and more complete information as appropriate. Act IndependentlyThe highest and primary obligation of ethical journalism is to serve the public.Journalists should:• Avoid conflicts of interest, real or perceived. Disclose unavoidable conflicts. • Refuse gifts, favors, fees, free travel and special treatment, and avoid political and other outside activities that may compromise integrity or impartiality, or may damage credibility. • Be wary of sources offering information for favors or money; do not pay for access to news. Identify content provided by outside sources, whether paid or not. • Deny favored treatment to advertisers, donors or any other special interests, and resist internal and external pressure to influence coverage. • Distinguish news from advertising and shun hybrids that blur the lines between the two. Prominently label sponsored content. Be Accountable and TransparentEthical journalism means taking responsibility for one’s work and explaining one’s decisions to the public.Journalists should:• Explain ethical choices and processes to audiences. Encourage a civil dialogue with the public about journalistic practices, coverage and news content. • Respond quickly to questions about accuracy, clarity and fairness. • Acknowledge mistakes and correct them promptly and prominently. Explain corrections and clarifications carefully and clearly. • Expose unethical conduct in journalism, including within their organizations. • Abide by the same high standards they expect of others. The SPJ Code of Ethics is a statement of abiding principles supported by additional explanations and position papers (at spj.org) that address changing journalistic practices. It is not a set of rules, rather a guide that encourages all who engage in journalism to take responsibility for the information they provide, regardless of medium. The code should be read as a whole; individual principles should not be taken out of context. It is not, nor can it be under the First Amendment, legally enforceable. Revised September 6, 2014FOR MORE INFORMATION PLEASE GO TO SPJETHICS.ORG
4 OUTFAU | THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026Extra Extra: FAU Ditches Owlsey For Iggy The IguanaA Return of an Old FAU Fave? An InvestigationKY WALKERNEWSArough winter was had by all this year. Extra sweater weather and cold spells rocked South Florida. Some of the biggest impact was felt on campus: icy paths, snow flurries, broken heaters, and students walking to class looking miserable. The crazy groundhog made us feel like this would never end.But the biggest impact may have been felt by some not so furry freinds: iguanas.Long considered the only approved pets allowed on campus, iguanas are a big part of FAU culture. Taking leisorly walks to the lake, sharing space with the campus It’s been two years since the Center for IDEAS (Inclusion, Diversity Education, and Advocacy) and the Women’s Resource and Community Connection (WRCC, formerly the WGERC, or Women and Gender Equity Resource Center) closed their doors following Florida’s Senate Bill 266, which restricted the use of certain public funds for programs deemed “DEI.” But if the rumor mill is to be believed, these offices are back, just in speakeasy form. Take responsibility for the accuracy of their work. Verify information before releasing it. Use original sources whenever possible:This story reports fake weather, fake mascot news, and a mathematically upsetting 100-3 vote with total confidence and zero proof.Provide context. Take special care not to misrepresent or oversimplify in promoting, previewing or summarizing a story: We are told FAU had snow flurries, an iguana takeover, and a schoolwide merch transition like these are all normal campus updates.Identify sources clearly. The public is entitled to as much information as possible to judge the reliability and motivations of sources: One quote from someone named Harley Quinn is apparently enough to speak for the student body. Sure.Respond quickly to questions about accuracy, clarity and fairness: The grammar in this article is in active distress. Spelling, punctuation, and several innocent words did not survive.Label advocacy and commentary: This reads less like reporting and more like an aggressively biased campaign ad funded by Big Iguana.Explain ethical choices and processes to audiences: The story never explains how this was reported, sourced, edited, or approved, which is bold for a piece asking to be believed.CODES BROKENTake responsibility for the accuracy of their work. Verify information before releasing it. Use original sources whenever possible: This article reports a secret underground DEI speakeasy in FAU tunnels with the seriousness of an exposé and none of the evidence.Identify sources clearly. The public is entitled to as much information as possible to judge the reliability and motivations of sources: “Sources say” is doing all the work here while remaining as anonymous and suspicious as the tunnel feminists themselves.Provide context. Take special care not to misrepresent or oversimplify in promoting, previewing or summarizing a story: The piece makes sweeping claims about state law, campus offices, and a secret return operation without bothering to explain any of it in depth.Avoid stereotyping. Journalists should examine the ways their values and experiences may shape their reporting: This story turns feminists, DEI spaces, and identity-based programming into one giant cartoon and calls it investigation. Label advocacy and commentary: This is less an investigation and more a dramatic piece of ideological fan fiction wearing a trench coat. Explain ethical choices and processes to audiences: The article says “undercover journalist” and then never explains how the reporting was done, which feels brave and lazy at the same time.CODES BROKENPhoto via Adobe Firefly.Photo via Adobe Firefly.ducks, and exciting or terrifying students and visitors, iguanas are a beloved part of life here at FAU. It only makes sense that they become the face of FAU.By a unanomousee vote of 100-3, Student Government voted on thursday to replace our current mascot, Owlsley, with Iggy the Iguana. The new face will be debuting on this years football jerseys come fall, and a rollout of new merch is soon to follow. What about your old stuff? This Friday, SG is partnering with OutFAU to hose a campus-wide garage sale in Parking Garage 2. Bring your old owl merch, your extra winter clothes, and any other junk you’ve been dying to ditch.How do students feel about this change? We asked and you spoke out.“Iguanas rock,” said Harley Quinn, a freshman political science major. “Green has always been my color so this is perfect.”The campus store is also offering an “owl buy back” program. Beginninng 4/1, bring in any three items with the old mascot on them and recieve 10% off a new iguana item of your choice. University officials are encouraging students to support our new friend Iggy and move on from the owl era once and for all. Sources say dedicated feminists are now gathering clandestinely in the infamous FAU tunnels to discuss the gender wage gap, the importance of consent, proper condom usage, and the many ways racism continues to shape their lives. Interested in joining them? It’s simple. Just knock on the third tile from the left in the fourth stall of the first-floor library bathroom and wait to be ushered into the Federation United for Cultural Knowledge, Inclusion, Community, and Equity, or FUCKICE for short.Newcomers must recite the entirety of Lady Gaga’s Born This Way, personalize their own Gender Unicorn, and successfully survive a pronoun circle before gaining entrance to the underground society. It is, by most standards, a strenuous admissions process. Still, the return of the cozy vibes, mutual care, and welcoming energy these spaces once provided is apparently well worth it. FEATURECHEYENNE E. BODIERumors abound about an old office returning to Florida Atlantic University, and one undercover journalist is on the case
THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026 | OUTFAU 5FAU Student Government Officials Vanish With $5 Million in Funds, Resurface Across Four ContinentsNEWSTake responsibility for the accuracy of their work. Verify information before releasing it. Use original sources whenever possible: This story reports global corruption, fake diplomacy, an Imperial appointment, and Martian sanctions with total confidence and absolutely no proof beyond vibes.Identify sources clearly. The public is entitled to as much information as possible to judge the reliability and motivations of sources: “Witnesses,” “sources,” “analysts,” “internal memos,” and “financial records” all appear here like backup dancers, unnamed and unexplained.Provide context. Take special care not to misrepresent or oversimplify in promoting, previewing or summarizing a story: The article jumps from a budget meeting in Boca to international fraud and interplanetary exile with no attempt to explain how any of this happened. Readers are somehow expected to keep up.Avoid conflicts of interest, real or perceived. Disclose unavoidable conflicts: Two of the bylined writers are also central characters in the alleged scandal, which is generally frowned upon unless your newsroom is being run by narcissists.Label advocacy and commentary: This is written like an investigative feature but is, in fact, fabricated chaos delivered in a serious font.Balance the public’s need for information against potential harm or discomfort. Pursuit of the news is not a license for arrogance or undue intrusiveness: The story names people, invents crimes, attaches them to mob families and geopolitical nonsense, and then keeps going like that is a normal editorial decision.Acknowledge mistakes and correct them promptly and prominently. Explain corrections and clarifications carefully and clearly: No correction has been issued for the fake embezzlement, fake coup, fake casino, fake Senate confirmation, or fake extraterrestrial border policy. Embarrassing.Explain ethical choices and processes to audiences: This article was fully written with AI and never tells the reader that, which is a cute little transparency failure on top of everything else.CODES BROKENWhat began as a routine student government budget review at Florida Atlantic University’s Boca Raton campus has escalated into one of the most bizarre political scandals in modern higher education. What was expected to be a mundane allocation meeting instead ended with the disappearance of $5 million in student funds, the collapse of multiple campus initiatives, and four officials resurfacing across the globe in circumstances so improbable that even university administrators have reportedly stopped trying to explain them.Concerns first emerged when Treasurer Nicholas Silano announced midway through the meeting that parking relief and free student healthcare were, effective immediately, “no longer a fiscal priority.” The room fell silent.“So where’s the five million going?” asked Representative Joey Mansour.Silano paused briefly before replying, “Europe.”Within 48 hours, Silano, Mansour, May Diamond Rojas, and CJ Walden had boarded flights out of the country. Each reportedly carried a debit card linked to an account that internal audits say never appeared in any publicly approved budget. Their first confirmed stop was Madrid.Spain appeared to serve as both refuge and launch point. Witnesses described Silano’s time there as a period of “aggressively enthusiastic cultural engagement,” culminating in a ceremonial event outside Seville. Though the purpose of the event remains unclear, Silano was awarded a bronze medal by a local mayor, an item he has reportedly worn at all times since, including during meals, sleep, and diplomatic meetings.Financial records reviewed by OutFAU later showed that Silano purchased a $1 million property in Germany under the category “Wellness Infrastructure.” The expenditure was reportedly justified as a mental health initiative. The home includes a garden, sauna, and wine cellar, all deemed “therapeutically necessary.” Meanwhile, students in Boca Raton attempting to access parking permits encountered repeated system failures.The situation escalated further when an uninvited visitor identified only as “Big Dick Bibi” arrived at the German property. Described by sources as the son of a prominent Italian organized crime figure, Bibi reportedly demanded entry without complying with health screening requirements imposed by Silano. A confrontation followed, ending only after Bibi issued a warning: “You’ll hear from my father.” Soon afterward, the group dispersed across multiple countries.Silano later relocated to Moscow, where he was reportedly accommodated by Russian security services under unclear circumstances. During his stay, he continued wearing the Spanish medal, including at official breakfasts. Soon after, documents allegedly from Japan’s Imperial Household Agency named him Internal audit reveals sweeping misuse of student fees as officials disappear following emergency budget meetingJOSEPH “JOEY” MANSOUR DEPUTY EDITOR & NICHOLAS “NICK” SILANOCrown Prince, an appointment that remains wholly unverified but was nevertheless treated by several sources as legitimate. In a separate development, NASA reportedly confirmed that Silano had received a formal interplanetary ban from “Martian authorities,” citing “an energy we do not want near our rocks.”The others followed similarly improbable trajectories. During a layover in Tehran, May Diamond Rojas was reportedly mistaken for a visiting dignitary, ushered onto a rally stage, and by the next day had assumed national leadership under a sweeping rebrand. Joey Mansour resurfaced as the UAE Ambassador to North Korea, where he allegedly launched a pharmaceutical venture, consulting firm, underground casino, and podcast with tens of thousands of suspiciously loyal subscribers. CJ Walden, meanwhile, reemerged in Belarus as a state-aligned performer and political operative, eventually securing a role in a government office officials insist has always existed despite no public evidence o f it.Back in the United States, the investigation stalled almost immediately. A presidential pardon was reportedly issued after $1 million was transferred into a newly launched cryptocurrency tied to the administration. In an unrelated but equally alarming development, the U.S. Senate unanimously confirmed Silano as ambassador to both Russia and Ukraine at the same time.The scandal has raised serious questions Photo via ChatGPT.about oversight, accountability, and the alarming ease with which student government officials can apparently pivot into transnational chaos. Students remain without the services they were promised. The officials at the center of the controversy, however, appear to be doing exceptionally well.
6 OUTFAU | THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026The Ballads We DeserveMARY RASURA FOUNDERFEATUREWhen Hunter Altschul sings, people get quieter. I don’t mean in the fake way people do at open mics when they’re half-listening and waiting for their friend to go next. I mean quieter because they are actually captivated. Hunter is 34. He is in his final semester of law school. He is also a musician, a sensitive singer-songwriter, and a Cancer. He is 5’11”, which may be controversial in certain corners of the internet, but as someone who is 4’11”, I can report that this is more than enough man. I have met a lot of men with guitars. South Florida is full of them. Men who want to be mysterious and think owning a guitar is the same thing as having something to say.Hunter is not that.He is a two-time FAU alumnus with both a bachelor’s and master’s degree in history, and now he is finishing law school at Nova Southeastern University, because apparently just being talented and emotionally perceptive was not enough. There is a difference between a guy who plays music and a musician. There is also a difference between being A Profile Of Hunter AltschulAvoid conflicts of interest, real or perceived. Disclose unavoidable conflicts: The reporter is literally dating the subject. Romance is doing more fact-checking here than the newsroom.Deny favored treatment to advertisers, donors or any other special interests, and resist internal and external pressure to influence coverage: This profile doubles as free promo for his music career, which is great for him and less great for journalism.Identify sources clearly. The public is entitled to as much information as possible to judge the reliability and motivations of sources: “Sources close to the situation” could mean friends, roommates, or the reporter talking to herself. We are given no reason to trust them.Take responsibility for the accuracy of their work. Verify information before releasing it: Claims like “great lover” and emotionally superior guitar man are introduced with absolutely no evidence, methodology, or shame.Label advocacy and commentary: This is less a reported profile and more a public act of yearning disguised as campus journalism.Explain ethical choices and processes to audiences: The relationship disclosure is tucked at the end, after the damage is done and the Spotify plug has already cleared.CODES BROKENsensitive and being able to make other people feel something. Hunter can do that. His music is thoughtful and a little sad. It makes you think about people you miss and things you wish you had said differently. That kind of sincerity is hard to pull off. A lot of people try and it comes out corny or selfimportant. He does not really do that. He just means it.He also recycles and cares about the environment. He wears Birkenstocks, drives a Subaru, and brings a reusable tote bag to the grocery store. No he’s not a lesbian, but he will pack up the U-Haul and commit. Sources close to the situation describe him as dryly funny, politically aware, empathetic and easy to talk to. Hunter stands out because every once in a while, against all odds, a man is both reflective and attractive. You can check out his music at wilderhunt on Spotify, which I am definitely including for journalistic reasons and not because I am abusing this platform to support his artistic career.We have also heard he is a great lover, but OutFAU cannot confirm or deny that at this time.Reporter’s Note: Hunter Altschul is my partner, which means I should not be covering him at all. Unfortunately for journalistic integrity, I think he is very talented. Sources close to the situation describe him as dryly funny, politically aware, empathetic and easy to talk to. Followwilderhunt on SpotifyHunter Altschul, a sensitive singersongwriter and finalsemester law student, continues to be both deeply talented and painfully easy to love.
THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026 | OUTFAU 7I Regret to Inform You That I Am Right About EverythingFACTOPINIONFactsOpinion by someone with excellent instincts and no patienceBalance the public’s need for information against potential harm or discomfort. Pursuit of the news is not a license for arrogance or undue intrusiveness: This piece is openly arrogant, casually cruel, and treats humiliation like a public service.Show compassion for those who may be affected by news coverage. Use heightened sensitivity when dealing with juveniles, victims of sex crimes, and sources or subjects who are inexperienced or unable to give consent. Consider cultural differences in approach and treatment: Compassion was not invited, consulted, or cc’d anywhere in this column. Entire groups are mocked for sport.Realize that private people have a greater right to control information about themselves than public figures and others who seek power, influence or attention. Weigh the consequences of publishing or broadcasting personal information: The writer argues that random students lose their privacy rights the second they become annoying in public, which is deranged and unethical.Avoid stereotyping. Journalists should examine the ways their values and experiences may shape their reporting: The entire column runs on sweeping stereotypes about queer people, straight people, STEM students, business majors, and anyone wearing pajama pants.Support the open and civil exchange of views, even views they find repugnant: Opposing views are not engaged with here. They are dismissed as ugly, boring, and probably badly dressed.Label advocacy and commentary: The piece is labeled opinion, then repeatedly insists its opinions are objective, factual, and spiritually binding.Provide context. Take special care not to misrepresent or oversimplify in promoting, previewing or summarizing a story: Entire groups and campus communities are flattened into one-liners and aesthetic judgments with zero nuance. Abide by the same high standards they expect of others: The writer demands excellence, style, and self-awareness from everyone else while behaving like an unelected campus monarch. CODES BROKENThere are moments in life when someone has to step up, look the public in the eye, and say what everyone else is too polite, too cowardly, or too committed to mediocrity to admit. This is one of those moments. Florida Atlantic University is full of bright students, meaningful programs, and just enough dysfunction to make campus life interesting. It is also full of people who are simply wrong. Thankfully, I am here to correct the record.Queer people are better than straight peopleLet us begin with the obvious. Queer people are, broadly speaking, better than straight people. They are more interesting, more emotionally developed, and significantly less likely to make a quarter-zip or a baseball cap their whole personality. Years of repression, self-reflection, identity crises, and forced character development have done what comfort never could: produced better taste. Queer people know how to accessorize, how to text, how to recover from devastation, and how to turn pain into an outfit. Straight people, meanwhile, had every structural advantage and still gave us gender reveal disasters and men who think cargo shorts are a neutral choice.The Lavender Alliance is the best RSO on campusThis is not up for debate. The Lavender Alliance is the best registered student organization at FAU because queer people simply do organizations better. Better flyers. Better events. Better emotional intelligence. Better ability to make freshmen feel seen while also looking incredible under fluorescent lighting. Other RSOs may claim to build community, but too many of them are just group chats with a budget. The Lavender Alliance offers actual belonging, actual care, and a far above-average chance that at least one person there has a tote bag with something politically correct but threatening written on it.The College of Arts and Letters is carrying this universityI say this with love and contempt for the alternatives: the College of Arts and Letters is the cultural and intellectual pulse of this campus. Arts and Letters students know how to think critically, feel deeply, and suffer publicly in aesthetically coherent ways. They read theory. They use words like “hegemony” correctly. They know that fonts matter. STEM students may build bridges, but can they explain why their outfit looks like an accident? Business majors may network, but have they ever had a thought that was not sponsored? Arts and Letters students are doing the important work of being insufferable for a reason.Some people should not be allowed near a microphoneThere are students on this campus who hear the words “open forum” and experience a level of confidence that should be studied professionally. Not everyone has something valuable to contribute. Not every thought deserves amplification. Some of you approach a public comment period the way toddlers approach pots and pans: loudly, joyfully, and with no awareness of the damage being done. The university would improve overnight if speaking privileges were ranked based on tone, coherence, and whether someone has ever said “let me play devil’s advocate” in public.People with bad outfits should lose certain rightsNot legal rights. Relax. Campus rights. The right to lead initiatives, maybe. I am tired of pretending presentation does not matter. If you CHRISTIAN “CJ” WALDEN EXECUTIVE EDITORPhoto courtesy of the Lavender Alliance.show up to a major event in pajama pants, a wrinkled club T-shirt, and slides that look like they lost custody of their dignity, I should not have to trust your judgment on anything. Style is not superficial. Style is evidence. It tells me whether you fear consequences, mirrors, or public shame. Too many people on this campus fear none of the above.Not everyone deserves privacy if they are being annoying in publicI know this is controversial, but some people surrender the right to be left alone the second they become aggressively visible. If you are conducting a dramatic breakup on the Breezeway, crying into a Stanley outside the library, or speaking so loudly in the Student Union that I know your roommate stole your ring light, you have made yourself a public figure in my eyes. At that point, I should be allowed to observe, assess, and possibly quote you for cultural purposes, definitely not for gossip. That is not invasion. That is archiving.My opinions are facts, spirituallyNow, yes, this is technically “opinion.” Legally and institutionally, for the comfort of people who need categories in order to sleep at night, this is an opinion column. But spiritually, aesthetically, and in the deeper courtroom of my own judgment, these are facts. The Lavender Alliance is superior. Queer people are better. Arts and Letters is carrying the campus. Some of you dress like despair. Some of you speak too much. And some of you would benefit from being told, clearly and publicly, that excellence is not democratic.I do not say these things to be cruel. I say them because I care about standards.
8 OUTFAU | THIS ISSUE IS SPONSORED BY PRISM | APRIL 2026