Mr. Frum quit, too, which means now Mrs. Lackey is the only Social Studies teacher in our grade. So they actually removed the wall between two classrooms and now Mrs. Lackey can teach twice as matny/ kids at once. POPULATION GROWTH EUROPE But even after some teachers left on their own, the school made more cuts to the staff. They switched Ms. Masie from full-time to three days a week, ahd they let one of the school nurses ge, So A 4 now were down to just one. WH
The new rule is that oure only allowed +o go to the nurse's office if it's for something urgent, like a medical emergency. And each classroom has a sign next to the door to see if your situation qualifies. Do you really need to see the school nurse? Please stay in class if you have a: Clrunnynose __ blister C1 hangnail C pimple Ci paper cut CD hiccups Personally » 1 think the new policy is reasonable, because Lm pre sure thet some kids were going to the nurse's office just to get out of class. 95.
Other kids were using the nurse as a free psychologist. T heard David Sneed used to visit the nurse's office to talk about his fear of underground supervolcanoes. Now every teacher has to take care of minor medical issues in the classroom, which is taking a lot of time away from doing their actual jobs. Yesterday, Ms. Pritchard spent the whole period putting bandages on kids who got injured making paper airplanes when she stepped out of the room. a+b (a+b) (a ab+b?) 96
But teachers arent doctors i and T dont love the idea of someone whos not qualified giving me medical treatment. So when 1. got a splinter in my butt from doing sit-ups on the i floor, IT decided Td just wait until tT got home to take care of it myself. The people who got hit the hardest by all these budget cuts were the janitorial staff, whose team went down from ten to three. And the worst part is that the janitors who lost their jobs got replaced by a machine that cleans the floors. WHIRRR 97
The school bought a secondhand robot from a local grocery store. At first, some kids were uncomfortable being around a faceless machine, so the school put geogly eyes on it to make it seem a little more human. But if you ask me, that makes it even creepier. (— WHIRRR And T dont know if it’s such a great idea to have a machine cleaning uP after ae saan Because now people just throw their trash on the floor since they know the robot will pick it up.
T's not only the students, either. Teachers have been taking full advantage of having a cleaning robot in the school, and Tm pled sure Mrs. Lackey has been bringing trash from home. T also think it was a mistake giving the robot eyes, because now it thinks it’s a person. Lately, its been skipping out on its job and going +o class with all the other students. And yesterday, Tim pretty sure it was copying off fay quiz in Science. 94
7. just hope this thing doesn't get TOO smart, though. Because it really wouldnt be good if machines started taking everyone's jobs. The robot's not the only one the school’s getting free labor out of, though. They got the local prison to make furniture for our classrooms. And Tim not trying to complain or anything, but the rear legs on m chair in Social Studies are a good six inches shorter than the front ones. 100
Some of the inmates write their names on the furniture they make. And a gu named Justin carved a hote on ny desk that makes me sad every time ao read it. PleaSe Ask m mom to ca]| me. —Justin K. Sometimes they'll even draw pictures on the furniture. And someone sketched out a whole escape plan on the front of Mr. Rask’s desk, which the school had +o paint over. 1=— GUARD TOWER CELL BLOCK JALAL FE LAL) HE | At i TAL ™ fence ol | |e f 2 LoL
MAY Wednesday T+ turns out the steps the school’s been taking to save nah havent been enough, because now they're looking for ways to MAKE money. And Principal Bottoms's first idea was the Platinum High Flyers Club. The Platinum level is like the regular High Flyers Club, but the big difference is that you don't have to get good grades to be a member. You Just need to be willing +o fork over $12.99 a month. 102
Or you need to have PARENTS who are willing to pay the membership fee. And Stephen Birch is lucky his folks make a ton of money in their construction business, because with his grades he had no chance of earning his “— in. T tried to convince MY parents to sign me up for the Platinum level, but when my mom said 1 could join if Td be willing +o give up my monthly video game membership 3 A. decided to drop the whole idea.
Tim starting to rethink that decision, though F because the perks in the Platinum level are wa better than the free version i starting with the premium seating. Principal Bottoms has a brother who owns a used furniture store, and he sold a bunch of leather recliners to the school at a steep discount. Those things tilt all the way back to a lie-flat position » which makes things pretty uncomfortable for the people who sit behind them, especially during tests. The kids in the Platinum level also get premium snacks, like popcorn and. full-size candy bars. 10+
So Tl bet the regular High Flyers feel dopey about their tiny bags of peanuts now. The Platinum High Flyers dont even have to be in the classroom if they don't want to be. They each get a special Platinum Pass, which lets them go wherever they want whenever they want. 105
Plus, they can_use their Platinum Passes for all sorts of different things, like skipping +the line at They even get their_own seating section in the cafeteria, with tablecloths and real silverware instead of plastic utensils. And +his week, they introduced table service to the Platinum seating section, so those kids don't even have to get up if they want a refill on their drinks.
The Platinum High Flyers Club is causing some serious resentment from the teachers, too. The Platinum kids complain a lot more than everyone else, and yesterday one of my classes got held up for twenty minutes after Marlene Cindrich made a big stink about the view from her window seat. On top of that, the Platinum kids are always either too hot or too cold, and now the teachers have to keep fresh blankets in the classrooms. 107
The thing the teachers are the maddest about is that with all the new members to the High Flyers Club, the teachers’ lounge is always full of kids. So now the teachers have to use the janitors’ closet when they take their breaks. But the Platinum High Flyers Club isnt the onl way the school is trying to make money. They're also selling corporate sponsorships. That's where_a company pays a bunch of cash to put their logo somewhere in the school. Ever since Principal Bottoms gave the green light for these kinds of deals, there are ads everywhere you look. 108
When you walk through one of the hallways in our school, you feel like youre in the middle of Times Square. > midtown << © a eye Di 4/08 >| PSE There are ads on all the surfaces, including the water fountains n which some soda rompay, paid a lot of oad a to sponsor. WOULDN'T YOU RATHER BE DRINKING 109
There are even ads on the FLOORS. And ever since Triple-Decker Treats started putting stickers in the hallways, kids have been leaving school early to go get ice cream. T dont think there's a place they WON'T put an ad. ‘The latest place they've put them is inside our lockers. Clean Breeze 110
Bull’s-Eye Grocery even paid +o put stickers in the urinals, and Tm actuall glad they did, because now the floors in the ee eee area lot less sticky. Bull’s-Eye Grocery AIM HERE FOR GREAT PRICES! v © Companies that are willing +o pay more can sponsor whole ROOMS r which iS why our English classroom is now the Davidson's Dictionary Center, and Social Studies became the Tsland Getaways Travel Company Hub. At
The computer lab is sponsored by a sia ai that makes video games, and they went kind of crazy with their branding. Computer Center They donated new computers with one of their most popular games preloaded, so now the school can forget about kids getting aby work done in there.
Speaking of donations, a compan that makes luxury pajamas sponsored the teachers’ lounge and ee a it with robes and slippers. So the kids in the High Flyers Club don't even bother going to class anymore. j-leachens Lounge _y sponsored Pampered Loungewear But you don+ have to spend a fortune to get an ad in our school, because they' re offering a ton of smaller sponsorship opportunities, too. Even our staplers have ads on them now. Johnny D’s Gotcha Covered 113
Tim not sure every one of these sponsorships is a good idea, though. Some magazine paid to put a sample of their publication inside our Science textbooks, and it feels to me like the school should be a little more choosy about who they take their money from. SCIENCE SCOFFER FLAT EARTH THEORY A few companies even signed exclusive deals to get their products into the school. 14
So now all the vending machines are stocked with snacks from a company that makes Spicy potato chips. Had ONN 97 Lio SH) LSA) ae guess Blisterin’ Hot Chips paid a lot of money to be the exclusive salty snack supplier, and as part of the deal nobody's allowed to have chips from another company oh school property. So if someone catches ‘OU with a different brand , they'll make sure you don't get to en joy them. 115
They also get product placement in the morning hews program the school streams into all the classrooms. And 1 kind of feel bad for the student reporters who have to pretend to like i+. alii} dy T+’s not only the morning program, either. Blisterin’ Hot Chips sponsors the school newspaper, and these days it’s hard to tell what's ah ad and whats actual news. The Student Crier Blisterin’ Hot Chips Proven to Increase Popularity In a new study, Blisterin’ Hot Chips consumption is closely tied to middleschool popularity ranking, with a positive correlation between the Unpopular no more: Former number of bags consumed and a Iosor thas Haytew is student’s favorability with their peers. now riding high 116
T+ feels like there's no limit to what the school’s willing to sell. Some plumbing company just bought the rights to the gymnasium 5 and there's apparently all sorts of stuff that comes with that. Their logo is in the middle of the gym floor and oh the clothes we have to wear for Phys Ed. The plumbing company eveh replaced Fudgy with their owh mascot, which hasnt been super popular with the students.
All these sponsorships are small potatoes compared to the one thing the school’s been holding out on, which is haming rights for the school itself. They think there's a company thet might be willing +o pay big bucks to put their name on our building. They even put an ad in the local paper to try and find a bidder. Imagine your company’s name emblazoned on our building in two-foot-tall lettering! Call Principal Bottoms today! But 1 guess there arent a lot of companies willing +o be connected with a school that doesn + have the best reputation 5 because after getting zero takers, Principal Bottoms had to lower the asking price. 118
Eventually, Someone put in a bid to rename our school. But it wasn'ta company, it was_a TOWN. T+ came from Slacksville, which we share a border with. And weve been at war with those guys for YEARS. They're still mad at us for getting the state to puta garbage dump on their side of the town line. So they tried to get their revenge b putting a wind turbine in the middle of the dump +o blow the garbage smell back at US. But i+ turns out wind turbines don’t act like giant fans, so they totally wasted their maples on that one.
We decided to really stick it to Slacksville b putting up a billboard right on the border between our two towns. And apparently their property values went down by 30% after that. At least we don’t live in So Slacksville's plan to get us back is to rename our middle school. But even though they were willing to pay, Principal Bottoms decided to reject it anyway. LARRY MACK MIDDLE SCHOOL Name Change Form Proposed name: Slacksville Rules! Middle School 120
The school decided to lower the asking price AGAIN and finally found a taker, which was the exterminator whose contract the school canceled a couple of weeks back. The president of the company even came to the school to make the offer in person. And even though no one's thrilled our new name iS gonna be 1-200-DED-BUGS Middle School, everyone seems to agree that it’s still better than the name Slacksville came up with. 12.
The exterminator and the school put ona big press conference to announce the deal, and all the local stations came out to cover it. But the exterminator probably should’ve waited until AFTER his company got rid of the pests in the school. Because T doubt that press conference was good for his business. =m LOCAL MIDDLE SCHOOL RENAMED
Apparently, a lot of parents aren+ thrilled with the new name of the school, and they dont like all the advertising were being exposed to, either. So they let Principal Bottoms know about it ata PTA meeting. Now Principal Bottoms has a new scheme to raise money, and_it's already created some pretty big changes at school. C WING CLOSED TO STUDENTS 123
The school figured they could get a lot of molest by renting out classrooms to people who heeded space. So now the C wig is full of grown-ups who are using the classrooms for all sorts of different things. Some of them rented classrooms for extra storage, and now they're filled with boxes that people couldn't fit in their garages. A few others have set up rooms to do remote work so they dont have to drive into the city os day. And Some are eVen using the rooms to create their own businesses. 124
One of my neighbors, Mrs. Jackson, started renting our Home Ec room, and she's using the ovens to run a bakery. Now there’s a line around the block for her blueberry muffins every morning. Unfortunately, my Science classroom is across the courtyard from the C-wing classrooms, and sometimes the smell of whatever she's baking is a little too much. Today she made snickerdoodles smack in the middle of a Pop quiz, and_it drove everybody in my class totally wild. 425
Speaking of distractions > Someone turned ohe of the rooms into a hot oga studio n and ry mom attends the class. But no kid wants to see their own mother in yoga pants, especially in the middle of a school day. ete TT wane Ze eae T+'s not just the smells and the sights that are causing problems. T's the SOUNDS, +oo. There's a rock band of middle-aged geys who practice every day in one of the C-wing classrooms, and theyre really awful. Then there's the constant barking that echoes through the heating vents all day long. 126
At first T thou + Someone was using a room to ‘3 ‘3 run_a kennel or something , but it's actually the police department, who's using our old Art room to train attack dogs. The onl good news is that one renter managed to take back control of the room that all the honeybees took over, and now she sells beeswax candles and lip balm at the mall.
T guess Tm glad that the school figured outa new way. to make mone . but it’s bad news for us students. All our classes got packed into the other two wings, so things are more crowded than ever. Plus » Now we have to share the cafeteria with the renters, which can bea litte awkward. The school’s not Just renting out our classrooms, though. On Thorsday nights they rent the gy to the high school for basketball games. But whenever there's a game, the fans completely trash our gyms and we have to clean up their mess the next day. 128
Even though there's a policy against having food in the gym the people who go to those high-school games dont care. So there's always a ton of potato chip bags and half-eaten hot dogs under the bleachers. Some kids actually scavenge for leftover snacks and. resell them in the cafeteria. And believe it or not, people will pay good money for food that’s been on the floor. 129
The school rents out the gym on weekends, too. And the reason 1 know that is because my church has been using the space while the pews are getting replaced. But it doesn't seem right +o have religious services in a place where we have Phys Ed during the week. Because the whole time, all T can think about is everything ELSE that’s happened in that gy
Saturda Every year the parents ih the PTA put on an auction to raise money for the school, but this wea they wanted to make it bigger than ever to earn as much as possible. They asked students to volunteer to help at the event. And since my mom is the secretary of the PTA, aX: got roped into going. The PTA auction is a pretty fancy affair, so 1 had to dress up for it. And my job was to walk around with a tra stacked with miniature Pigs in a blanket all night.
To be honest, it was a little awkward being around ryt Parents when they were having fun with their friends. But 1 guess people my mom ahd dad's age don't get a lot of chances to go out, so they were probably just happy for the opportunity to cut loose. ——s\_ ia ‘ita AUETION | ° There were two parts to the night. The first pact was the silent auction, where there are different prizes and gift baskets you can win by being the highest bidder. And the i i you do that is by writing down how much money youre willing +o pay: 132
ai was hoping i i parents would bid on something cool, like a week at a ski condo during winter Vacation, or a pair of Jet Skis. But the only item my mom put her name on was a wellness basket, and since she was the only bidder, she won. DQ 133
A bunch of local companies donated some quali items for the silent auction. East Ba Barbeque supplied a brand-new outdoor grill, and the Scouts kicked in a smores kit with a half dozen mugs for hot chocolate. But a few companies seemed to be Just trying to unload stuff they couldn't use. Y Ass orted | used +oi ex] = QB valves Tm pretty sure some companies donate ever ear because Crawford Studios offered a famil portrait, which is what they did for the last PTA auction. And the reason ae know that is because last year my family actually WON it. SUPPLY 134
When Mom told us we were doing a family portrait, T was a little annoyed because it meant T had to dress up ona Saturday. But it was actually a lot worse than that. ae thought we were gonna take a quick picture and TL could enjoy the rest of my weekend. But it was a PAINTING, which meant we had to go back five times. Halfway through the first session, Manny wouldn't sit still anymore, and the artist kept having to start that part of the painting over. But Rodrick was even worse , because he didnt ge back for the rest of the sessions. 135
So the artist had to paint Rodrick from memory \ which is why the Painting is in our basement and not above the fireplace in the farily room. T didnt want a repeat of THAT nightmare » which 1S why this ear T wrote a made-up name on the bidding sheet to make sure there was ho chance our farnily actually won it. FAMILY PORTRAIT it Taylor $50 >, Richardson $75 3. Bergonhotf $8,000 136
The next part of the night was the live auction, where they hired a professional auctioneer to get people to bid on a bunch of special prizes. And since parents were all trying to outbid each other by raising their paddles, it actually got pretty wild. The first prize in the live auction was a chance for your kid to ride to school in a fire truck. Everyone seemed prett excited about that one, and people started driving up the bids right from the start. Tm surprised they still offer that prize after what happened last year, though. 137
Lily Stubman’s parents outbid everyone else, so their daughter got to ride the fire truck +o school. And I guess it was fun for a little while. RBROOO. =.ROO0000 But on the way there an actual fire broke out at some restaurant downtown, and the firefighters had to race to the building to deal with it. So Lil Stubman ended upon the news, and Tm pre sure shes still scarred by the whole experience.
The next item up for auction was just like the fire-truck thing, only with a police squad car. Ricky Fisher's parents won it for the second year in a row, so 1 guess they figure it’s good practice for him later on in life. The next item was Lunch with the Librarian, and Ms. Masie fetched a lot of money since she's so popular with the kids.
But they probably shouldnt have put Lunch with a Janitor next, because the gry they picked for it always yells at us when we step on his clean floors. Nobody was willing to raise their paddle to start the bidding, and it was pre uncomfortable for a while there. But eventually Mr. Gupta offered three bucks Just +o move things along.
After that was over, the auctioneer announced the next prize » which was to have a teacher come to your house to do odd jobs. Tm surprised teachers agreed to that one, because Tl bet the last place they want to be on the weekend is at some family's house fixing their mailbox or whatever. But that’s exactly what happened when my parents won that auction item one year. T+'s hard for me to imagine teachers having lives of their own, so its always a little weird when you see them outside the school environment. v4.
T+ always takes mea little off gvard, especially when it happens in places youre not expecting it. ARE YOU GETTING YOUR SUMMER READING DONE, GREG? The next prize was one they've been doing for ears, which is to raise money to get the principal to kiss a piglet. Principal Mancy_used to do it ata big assembly, and kids would go absolutely nuts.
The auctioneer got things going 5 and parents started driving the bidding up. But Principal Bottoms walked onstage +o say he couldnt do it because he's allergic to “barn animals.” So either he’s telling the truth or he’s just not the kind of person whos into kissing Pigs People moved on prett quick, because everyone was excited about the last live auction item, which was Principal for the Day. That's where a kid gets to sit in the principal's office and do the morhing announcements and pretend they're in charge for a few hours. 143