White darkness

White darkness

The issue of suicide is not new in Thai society, but suicide and
depression are significantly related.

This is why I opened a YouTube channel. The people get to talk
and discuss issues under pseudonyms. My name is Kanda,
now I'm live on my YouTube channel at my condo and listen to
the problems from fans who contact me.

Taddao called to talk to me.

"You're going to say I'm watching too much drama," Taddao
said. she has clearly worried and uncertainty mixed in her tone.

She was afraid of being seen as making up stories.
She wasn't sure if she could convey exactly what she wanted to
say.

She and her sister grew up in a single mother's family. After her
father died the family's dissatisfaction with the two children,
caused her mother to struggle to resolve the cost of the
household, and her mother had three new girlfriends in three
years.

She did not dare to ask her mother if it was love or not. Is it just
one of the ways mothers try to survive to raise their children?
And the latest stepfather seems to be getting along well with
her family. There was enough money to support everyone in
the house, but suddenly the "trait" appeared.

My sister was watched while taking a shower. But my mother
did not believe that this was true. Until her sister decided to
leave the house.

From sleeping with my sister, she moved in and slept with her
mother and stepfather. Since then, the nightmare began
because when her mother got up to prepare the daily goods,
she was always “violated” and even more serious when he saw
that she did not dare to tell her about it. Until almost reaching
the stage of "rape", luck was still on the side that shortly after
After that stepfather, he was arrested on drug charges.

But even then, she never said anything about it to anyone
because it feels useless.

The worst had just faded into memories. She lives a normal life,
attends university, and works to pay for herself. By going to be
an apprentice at a restaurant near the dormitory, but who would
have thought that history would repeat itself.

The chef in the restaurant regularly snuck on her breasts and
hips. Which made the bad memories come back to haunt her
again and with the head already buried, who will believe it
causing her to not dare to speak It all got worse when the chef's
wife caught it. And thought that she was the one who gave her
husband's posture until there was a big story.

"His wife came and hit me. I was so embarrassed that the
manager of the store fired me.” The other was a chef. I'm just
an apprentice. However, no one listened to her. Even though
sometimes it flashes in my head that if you were the one talking
about everything, it wouldn't be this bad.

"But I'm afraid. I don't know how to start, it's not a matter of
addressing anyone. The more I keep it, the more it becomes a
knot in my heart. Why is can't I have a better life? It keeps us
buried.”

Taddao works part-time in order to sacrifice herself, and she
later faces a series of events like this. Until last year, a friend at
the university realized her hardship and invited her to join her at
home. Although I am grateful for the good wishes given, with
the atmosphere of a friend's house that clearly shows that it is
not welcome. She had to carry those feelings and keep them
alone.

Until returning to rent a dormitory alone again "Death's desire"
begins to poke her.

“When it happens like this It has come into consideration is the
matter of death. There will be a period of inactivity. Like I saw a
car... I want to hop on a bus and have a car crash to death,
sometimes I can't eat or I don't even eat. I used to think what it
was, why didn't everyone understand me?”

Even if you are advised to try to spread the story on your
personal online space to get people to cheer you up. But she
chose not to for fear of being seen as a demand for attention.

“Until… It was one night that I saw a paring knife. I want to slit
my throat. I want to slit my arm, I want to be like... venting the
pain, I want the paint to flow out of blood instead let it feel pain
and stress I vented it."

"But in the end, that's it. I didn't do it. I didn't do it because I
didn't dare. It's me that normal person if there is nothing in their

heart that affects their feelings a lot. She didn't want to die.
When do I want to die It's a kind of feeling.
How much will it hurt if I die?
Will it hurt more than it is now?
If it hurts more or feels worse, just let it die, because what I'm
experiencing now is almost unbearable. If it's not worse Death
would be the same.”

Even if I've assessed yourself from the quizzes available online
until you find yourself prone to depression. But because I'm still
stuck in a lot of time, money, treatment, or many other reasons,
I haven't gone to the doctor yet.

“I'm still addicted to the rent of the room. There are many things
here. I want to try and talk to the doctor as well. I knew I had
reached the point of wanting to kill myself and it was
dangerous. But I should have waited many times to be ready.
So now I do things that instantly make me happy, like eating,
going to watch the movies, or having a conversation with
someone. Well, I know it's not permanent. but now for me,
These things are still usable.”

"I want to encourage it. There is a feeling that I can live with it.
Just fight. You're good. You have to be patient. If you can't be
patient, you won't be able to deal with your problems. It might
look normal. But I feel it helps a lot. If I have to go through
something bad all day, really, for other people's problems in my
corner, you don't have to help solve them. It might be beyond
strength but just listen to me give me some encouragement.
That's all I want is that my problem might not go away but I'm
sure you'll be encouraged.”

We spent an hour talking.

“I want to tell you that it will be better soon and you will get
through it. I see that you are trying you're really good at it.”

“Thank you, I feel much better after telling you this.”

“I'm willing to listen. Thank you for coming and joining the
conversation with me.”

Finally, I have something I want to tell everyone. “Weakness is
not the cause of depression. Depression is what makes our
minds weak.”