Red

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Red.

Growing up, red has always been my mother’s
favorite color. When I was younger, she always prodded on
about needing to wear red on special occasions – whether
it’s for my uncle’s wedding day, the Autumn Moon Festival
or during the week long Chinese New Year celebrations.
Red for my mother represents love, abundance and hope.
But it also often reminds her of her youth growing up in 開
平 (Kaiping), a small city on the outskirts of China, where
the streets would always be decorated in red during special
holidays.

Red has never been my favorite color though. There
has always been a lot of weight that came with the color
red. I’m often drawn to it while also feeling taken aback by
it. Perhaps it’s because of how present it has been in my
life growing up and its significance to my mother. In many
ways, it’s a weight that draws heavily from reconciling with
what it means to be Chinese. I still remember moments as
a child, where I would feel embarrassed and flustered
whenever I wore red. Even as a kid, I would wonder if I was
‘drawing too much attention?’ Too much attention on my
being as someone who’s Chinese.

I was unsure of how to culturally identify in a
landscape where voices from my communities were largely
rendered silent and invisible. But I was curious, and in the
process of learning more about my cultural identity, music
became a productive site for me to explore these subjects.
This project has become a retrospective look at the various
musical acts who have been central in helping me navigate
my identity as someone who’s Asian, Chinese, Queer and
ultimately my relationship with the color red.

For a full auditory experience, a track is accompanied
with each entry, found in the ‘Red Journal Playlist’.

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Wonder

Track 01. Faye Wong
Dream Lover (1994)

My mother’s parents and four younger sisters immigrated
to Canada on 1994, the same year I was born. While my
parents were running their restaurant pretty much every
day, my aunties took turns to take care of me. They have
become such an integral part of my life, and journey with
navigating my identity and culture.
When my aunties arrived in Canada, they brought with
them a wealth of knowledge in film, music and pop culture
from a place I knew nothing about at the time. My brother
and I grew up watching the Chinese television channel that
my parents subscribed to monthly. my parents
subscriptions

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Distinct

Track 02. Halcali
Strawberry Chips (2004)

My older brother has always been fascinated with
Japanese art, film and media – particularly animated
ones, known in Japan as anime. His interest eventually
rubbed off onto me, and with the help of the internet, I
started to venture into the realm of anime. Notable ones
that I still remember, include many of the Studio Ghibli
films like Spirited Away and My Neighbour Totoro. And
immediately I became hooked! The stylistic elements and
stories in most of the animes I was watching were unlike
any other animated content that I’ve seen before on
television.

But in that process of exploring anime, I was also
introduced to Japanese artists and musicians who sang
many of the theme songs that were featured in these
animated series and films. One in particular, Halcali a pop
rapping duo stood out the most for me. What fascinated
me about Halcali was their

In exploring Japanese media and music, I was came to
learn early on that while some of physical features are very
similar to

with the importance of recognizing the distinctions that
exists between communities that are often lumped under
the large umbrella term of ‘Asian’. In. many ways, through
exploring Japan’s pop culture, I was exposed to the reality
of other Asian identities that exists beyond what I knew
was primarily Chinese.

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Femme

Track 03. Wonder Girls
Why So Lonely (2016)

K-pop and what’s known as the Korean wave has
transformed so much from when I first started listening to
some of the early pop music acts. The earliest K-pop act
I’ve followed since their debut, were the Wonder Girls.
They recently just celebrated their 10-year anniversary,
before disbanding, and their track ‘Why So Lonely’ was
their last promotional single – I was very upset.

Despite having followed the band for 10 years, I had
such a struggle in the beginning with really embracing K-
pop in my life. So often, I would find myself being very
discreet about my interest in K-pop. And looking back
now, I wonder if this came from the anxiety of being seen
as too effeminate.

I began listening to K-pop when I was still a closeted
queer. Very often, I would hear things suggesting that
Asian male pop acts, especially K-pop acts seemed too
feminine or looked ‘too gay’. In many ways, there’s a
discrepancy between Asians and the notion of masculinity.
Where Asian male bodies are somehow seen as being more
docile and effeminate.

So, on my end, as someone who was navigating the
role of trying to pass as straight and masculine – being
Asian already made that part difficult. To then be
potentially marked as queer, because of my interest in K-
pop, was convincing enough to leave this hidden in the
closet along with my queerness.

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Deviant

Track 04. Leslie Cheung
Happy Together (1997)

On April 1st, 2003, Leslie Cheung committed suicide.
He left a note prior to his death, citing that the pressures
of being in the spotlight while living as an out gay man was
overbearing. Leslie remains as one of the few out queer
Asian celebrities and musicians who existed.

Born and raised in Hong Kong, when Leslie came out
as gay in 1997 by publicly announcing his relationship with
Daffy Tong, Cheung became an instant icon in the queer
scene across China. At the same time, he also was faced
with a large backlash for being queer in a culture that’s still
primarily conservative around subjects like sexuality.
While he became an icon in some regards, he was also
branded as a deviant – becoming an exemplar of what
others shouldn’t be.

This tension and scrutiny that Cheung faced, was
what I remembered most growing up as I listened to my
parents and family react to news about him. When he
passed, my parents blamed it on his queerness being
indicative to mental instability.

His death left an impression on me that made me
feel unsettled and weary when I came across his music or
films. But I find myself longing to have had the experience
to witness his radical. Because still after more than decade,
there’s no one in the scene who have stepped out in such a
radical way

I had often felt unsettled when I came across his
music or movies. After so many years have passed, and
taking the time to look back, now as an out queer man – I
see The track Happy Together, was released in conjunction
with his film

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Iconic

Track 05. Hyori
Miss Korea (2013)

Living under the same roof with my four aunts, I’ve
watched three of them go through the traditions of being
wedded off.

Many expected traditional gender roles are still expected
within Asian cultures in ways that

In North America with the emergence of vocal feminist
and queer activists, many traditional gender roles have
since been renegotiated. However, many of these continue
to be prevalent in many Asian cultures.

As such, I can only imagine the sexual and gendered
expectations imposed on female bodies in the music
industry – which has often been very toxic and
contentious.

Encountering female musicians like Hyori who are
veterans in the music scene, continue to pioneer trends
and sound is refreshing. At the same time, I also still see
the ongoing challenges of negotiating relevance in an
industry saturated with performers. Along with the
challenges of meandering one’s ownership of their own
body along with the inevitable

who continues to pioneer trends and sounds within the
music scene is refreshing.

I have one aunt, who remains in resistance to settling
down despite the And she’s become such an important
figure in my life.

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Crossover

Track 06. CL
MTBD (2014)

For three years now, K-pop and hip-hop artist CL has been
preparing for her ‘big overseas American’ debut. She’s
released two singles
All of my fingers are crossed when it comes to seeing CL
make any imprint in the North American industry. I’ve
been deprived of
CL has served a beacon of hope for me, that one day there
will be a recognized Asian act – one that’s slowly
diminishing.

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TRACE
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Listen

Track 07. Trace
Low (2016)

There was something off putting with the way I notice how
I internalize this priority around

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