2022-09-01 Real Simple Mental Health

SPECIAL EDITION

Understanding

Mental Health
The Best Foods • Less Stress • Sounder Sleep



SPECIAL EDITION

Understanding

Mental Health



CONTENTS

30 46 64

4 The Science of Mood 26 Every Breath You Take 52 The Magic of Mornings,
Key brain chemicals help The right breathing techniques the Power of Light
stave off mood disorders such can strengthen your heart, Getting a head start early and
as anxiety and depression. deepen your sleep, and ease then embracing a routine that
your anxiety. respects both daylight and
A Brighter darkness can boost your
Mindset 30 The Benefits of mental health and productivity.
Spirituality
10 The Power of A psychologist tells how to find 56 A Book for Every Ailment
Self-Compassion meaning in your life. Understanding reading therapy
Here’s why (and how) you and how it can improve your
should remember to be kind 34 Overcome the mental well-being.
to yourself. Overwhelm
Ways to manage the stress of The Cooking
16 Manifestation, the daily routine. Connection
Meet Science
The buzzword might Happiness at 64 A Good-Mood Kitchen
not be rooted in the rational, Home How to make healthy cooking
but setting goals can shift less stressful and more
your outlook. 38 Get It Done! enjoyable.
A never-ending checklist can
22 A Separate Peace weigh you down. But you can 70 Genie in a Bottle
Setting boundaries isn’t get through your to-do’s. Some drinks are marketed
always easy, but you can assert as providing a glass of zen.
yourself with kindness. 46 Color Me Happier Do they really work?
Certain colors—as well as the
ways they’re used—can boost 72 A Delicious Rebalance
contentedness. Nourish your mind and body
with these simple recipes.

Parts of this special edition were previously published by other Dotdash Meredith brands. UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 3

4 REAL SIMPLE

The Science of
Mood

Optimism is a key ingredient to living
a satisfying life. Here’s how brain

chemistry and lifestyle shifts can lead
to a sunnier outlook.

BY MARKHAM HEID

M ENTAL HEALTH IS ON
everyone’s mind, and for good
reason. The pandemic and its
many related challenges have led
to a continued global surge in
symptoms of anxiety, depression,

and other mood disorders.

Even those who haven’t lost loved ones or haven’t

experienced serious or prolonged illness have been

profoundly affected psychologically by this ordeal.

The fact that more people are prioritizing mental

well-being is, for the most part, a good thing. Taking it

seriously means adopting healthy behaviors and

prioritizing the parts of life that matter most.

Some feelings—optimism, for example—may be

among the most important ingredients in a healthy,

satisfying, and successful life. “Optimism is defined as

positive expectations about the future,” says Tali Sharot,

PhD, a professor of cognitive neuroscience at University

College London. In 2011, Sharot literally wrote the book

on optimism: The Optimism Bias. She says positive

expectations are crucial because they motivate us to

do things that contribute to well-being in all facets of

life. Whether you’re starting a new business or taking

up Pilates, optimism about the endeavor raises the

likelihood that you’ll stick with it. “If you think it’s likely

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 5

you’ll be successful, you’re more likely to put in the Research has linked exercise
effort and hours, and so you’re more likely to do well,” and time spent in nature to
Sharot says. Research has even linked optimism to a both mood improvements and
longer life span. On the other hand, a lack of optimism
drags you down. It suffocates your motivation to make increases in dopamine.
healthy changes or engage in behaviors that support
mental health. Optimism’s evil twin—pessimism, the “Dopamine and serotonin generally are thought to
belief that nothing will ever work out for the best—is a play big roles in mood disorders,” says Anthony Grace,
“core feature” of depression, Sharot says. PhD, distinguished professor of neuroscience at the
University of Pittsburgh. Some research has found that
But there may also be a downside to over-scrutinizing “alterations” in specific serotonin brain receptors may be
your mood and attempting to improve it. Some research a feature of both anxiety and depression. Some of
has found that emotional check-ins—asking yourself Grace’s own work, including a 2016 paper in the journal
how good or happy you’re feeling—set you up to feel a Nature Reviews Neuroscience, suggests that problems
little worse. “The moment you check in—‘Am I happy with the dopamine system contribute to depression and
enough?’—you feel happiness less,” says Iris Mauss, PhD, other mental disorders.
a professor of psychology at the University of California,
Berkeley. “The very question interferes with happiness.” “The dopamine system seems involved in reward and
motivation,” Grace says. Specifically, dopamine
Work by Mauss and others in her field has shown that encourages feelings of pleasure, which we need in order
our mood can sometimes resemble an obstreperous to feel motivated and optimistic. “In depression, there
child: The more we try to make it behave, the less tends to be a big decrease in dopamine, so you don’t get
cooperative it becomes. That doesn’t mean we should pleasure from things in your environment,” he explains.
ignore our feelings or give up attempts to cultivate
positive emotions. The stakes are just too high. Sharot, who has conducted research on dopamine,
says the molecule plays a selective role in how the brain
Taken together, all of this work presents a bit of a interprets and learns from positive and negative
conundrum. Spending too much time focusing on your experiences. “We’ve shown that elevated dopamine will
mental state may in some ways be self-defeating. On reduce the ability to learn from a negative, but it will
the other hand, optimism and other positive mood states enhance learning from something positive,” she says.
are critical to well-being. They are also, according to Like the song says, you’ve got to accentuate the positive
research, attainable with some effort. and eliminate the negative. Dopamine seems to do both,
and this promotes optimism, she says. The part that
While the findings may seem at odds, there are ways serotonin plays in mood and emotion is less clear. “What
to square them. “One lesson is that if you’re just paying serotonin does is a huge mystery,” Sharot says. “There
attention to your internal state and focusing on how have been different theories, but then the data doesn’t
you’re feeling, that might not be the best course toward support them, so we don’t really know.”
positivity,” Mauss says. But if you recognize that your
mood is a by-product of your behaviors and experiences, Some of the most prescribed drugs for mental health
that can energize you to make changes that have real, problems—selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors, or
positive impacts on how you feel. Research has shown SSRIs—target serotonin pathways in the brain. While
that some behaviors or activities support mood medical researchers can see how these drugs shift brain
improvement at a biochemical level. chemistry, they don’t know how the shifts produce
mental health benefits. In scientific terms, the
If you’ve spent much time reading about mood and “mechanism of action” is not well understood.
mental health, you’ve heard of serotonin and dopamine.
These two molecules perform a lot of different jobs in Experts have a better handle on the activity of the
the human body, but both are neurotransmitters that dopamine system, yet drug treatments that target it are
research has linked to emotion and mood. not reliably effective. “It’s often trial and error to see if it
works,” Sharot says. “Sometimes there are treatment-
resistant individuals for whom none of these work.”

While the science on pharmaceutical treatments that
target brain chemicals is complex and hotly debated,

6 REAL SIMPLE

there’s evidence that healthy activities also affect the being. “Stress is a feature in all psychiatric disorders,”
activity of dopamine, serotonin, and their related she points out. “Anything that reduces stress will, in
systems. Grace mentions exercise and time spent in theory, enhance optimism.” She also highlights exercise,
nature as activities that research has linked to both meditation practices (such as mindfulness), and social
mood improvements and increases in dopamine. But interaction with close friends as activities that seem to
again, the relationship between these pursuits and mood counteract stress and increase optimism.
is not well mapped. “The connection between exercise
or green spaces and any antidepressant actions—what Practicing gratitude is another evidence-backed way
causes those is kind of a mystery,” he says. to boost your optimism—and maybe also your life
satisfaction and well-being. “Gratitude is like fertilizer
In the end, it might be best to think of neurochemicals for the mind, spreading connections and improving its
as by-products of mood-elevating behaviors rather than function in nearly every realm of experience,” says
as the cause of any positive feelings. Put another way, Robert Emmons, PhD, a professor of psychology at the
the activity of these molecules may change when you’re University of California, Davis. Try writing in a journal
feeling good or bad, but that doesn’t mean they are the about something positive that happens to you on any
cause of those feelings. given day. It’s a simple and research-backed habit that
can boost your mood and cultivate a brighter outlook. ■
Experts say lifestyle changes—especially those that
help control stress—are among the most effective and
evidence-backed ways to elevate your mood and
optimism level. Sharot explains that stress makes the
brain “hypervigilant” to negative information. That’s not
a problem in small doses. But if you’re stressed all the
time and your brain is perpetually preoccupied with
negative information, that’s going to be a drag on your
optimism and, more broadly, on your mood and well-

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 7

CHAPTER 1

A BRIGHTER
MINDSET

Preserving your mind and mood is priceless. Here’s how to
manage anxiety and make your mental health a priority.

8 REAL SIMPLE

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 9

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

The Power of Self-Compassion

Coming to terms with the difficulties in your life
and being gentle with yourself can have positive effects

on your mental well-being.

BY ASHLEY ABRAMSON

YOUR LIFE, AT LEAST RIGHT ourselves and others. But how do warmth, kindness, and support,”
we get there? says self-compassion researcher
at this moment, might not be Kristin Neff, PhD, associate
how you pictured it. Maybe Thinking about yourself in a professor of psychology at the
your job, bank account, or new, more compassionate light University of Texas at Austin.
relationship has seen better might seem like an impossible
days. Perhaps you’ve dropped feat, especially if you’re used to A growing number of studies
the ball on the things that used beating yourself up. The good have found that shifting your
to be most important to you, news is, if you know how to mindset toward self-compassion
and you can’t see a way back to show someone else compassion, can have positive effects on your
the person you want to be. researchers say, you can easily mental, emotional, and physi-
Either way, your knee-jerk learn how to do the same for you. cal well-being. Research sug-
reaction is to blame yourself. Here’s what you need to know gests that extending kindness to
Maybe a good old-fashioned about the science behind self- yourself can tame symptoms of
kick in the pants will motivate compassion and how to be a little stress, anxiety, depression, and
you to get your act together. nicer to yourself. chronic pain. A more self-
compassionate mindset can also
If that sounds like how you What Is Self-Compassion? help improve relationships with
think, you’re definitely not alone. partners and children and even
But it may be time to take stock If a loved one opened up prevent caregiver burnout. Self-
of your self-talk and welcome a about a struggle, how would compassion is also proven to be
new way of thinking. A mount- you respond? Chances are a more effective motivator than
ing body of evidence suggests with compassion—the ability
that a kinder way of thinking to recognize someone else’s self-criticism or shame.
about yourself—what researchers suffering and take action to
call self-compassion—can ease help or support them. Self-
stress, decrease pain, and even compassion is the same thing.
spark us to take better care of “The easy way of thinking about
it is treating yourself like you
would treat a good friend, with

10 REAL SIMPLE



People who treat themselves see negative events as less dire which can help alleviate
with kindness tend to be more than people low in self-compas- suffering, or at least how you
proactive in meeting their goals. sion, in part because they tend to think about it. That’s the beauty
Studies have found that self- dwell less on negative emotions, of changing your thoughts: You
compassion can motivate and research suggests that it can also influence how you feel
positive health behavior and helps them cope better, accord- about yourself, and, as a result,
improve health outcomes as a ing to a 2010 paper published in how you treat yourself.
result. A 2014 study coauthored Social and Psychology Compass.
by Neff found that women
who practiced self-compassion Self-compassion also enables
meditations regularly for just people to seek support from
three weeks experienced less others and practice self-care,
shame and dissatisfaction about
their physical appearance,
even learning to appreciate
their bodies. One 2019 paper
concluded that self-compassion
plays an important role in
helping people recover from
substance-use disorders.

The benefits of self-compas-
sion are many, and each
one stems from the same prin-
ciple: How you think about
yourself and difficult situations
can shape how you respond
to them. Widely considered
the gold standard of psycho-
therapy, cognitive behavioral
therapy (CBT) uses a strategy
called cognitive restructuring to
help people cope with difficult
life circumstances and mental
health conditions like anxiety
and depression. According to the
American Psychological Asso-
ciation, CBT can help people
uncover distortions in their
thinking patterns that can affect
emotions and behavior.

Self-compassion is a form of
cognitive restructuring. People
high in self-compassion tend to

12 REAL SIMPLE

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

Barriers to Self-compassion does involve a
Self-Compassion degree of gentleness, just as comforting a

While research about the power child or close friend would, but it can
of self-compassion is clear—it also represent strength and ferocity.
works—for most of us, adopt-
ing a more self-compassionate comply—but you’ll also instill How to Grow in
mindset comes with a major anxiety and shame, which can Self-Compassion
learning curve. Chalk it up to be paralyzing. “We motivate
your body’s design. Your brain change because we care, not Anyone who has experienced
is wired to respond to internal stress or suffering can benefit
and external threats with a fight- because we are afraid,” says Neff. from this practice. Clinical social
or-flight response. “When the People also tend to equate worker Sydney Spears, PhD,
threat is internal, we fight our- director of diversity, equity, and
selves by beating ourselves up self-compassion with weak- inclusion for the Center of Mind-
or flee into a sense of shame or ness, selfishness, or self-indul- ful Self-Compassion considers
perceived judgments,” Neff says. gence. Compassion does involve self-compassion a form of self-
a degree of gentleness, just support. “When you’re experi-
Today’s culture of comparison as comforting a child or close encing pain or suffering, you can
and competition, perpetuated friend would, but it can also apply certain skills and practices
by the media, certainly doesn’t represent strength and feroc- in the moment so you don’t have
help. It’s easy to confuse self- ity. “People don’t understand to wait on your best friend or
kindness with letting yourself that if you support yourself, have partner,” says Spears, who is also
off the hook, especially if your own back, and speak up for the author of Finding Self-Com-
you want your life to change. yourself, you’ll be stronger and passion: A Mindfulness Work-
“The opposite of self-compas- more able to get through,” Neff book for Getting to Know and
sion is self-criticism, and we’re says. As a result, you’ll be more
really good at that,” says Natalie likely to meet your goals and Love Yourself,
Dattilo, PhD, clinical psycholo- The first and most important
gist and instructor at Harvard help others.
Medical School. “It seems from Luckily, the way out of that step in self-compassion is mind-
this idea that self-criticism fulness—a state of being aware
motivates us to do better, but harmful, shame-based feedback of your challenges and discom-
the research would probably say loop is also hardwired. Along fort without judgment. Coming
it doesn’t, especially in the long with the fight-or-flight response, to terms with difficulties in your
term.” If you find yourself think- every human is equipped with life can be uncomfortable, but
ing in “should” statements— caregiving instincts that help if you’re ignoring or numbing
I should be thinner, smarter, keep others safe. “Evolution your pain, it won’t go anywhere
better able to handle my stress— says the first instinct is to (and, over time, it’ll probably get
then you probably know the self- criticize when you feel worse). “Normally we want to
kick-in-the-pants approach only threatened, but you can hack the fight and resist it, but in order to
system,” says Neff. “Tell yourself, be kind to ourselves, we need to
lasts so long. ‘I’m going to treat myself like
Think of it in terms of how I would treat anyone I care
about, with kindness, warmth,
you’d treat a child or some- and understanding.’”
one else you care about. You
can threaten someone if they
mess up, and they’ll probably

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 13

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

be able to turn toward our pain,” be doing better than you, or help form our beliefs about
Neff says. If you want to reap anxious that a sibling is upset who we are, and we naturally
the benefits of self-compassion, with you. Once you pin it down, reinforce that narrative with
commit to paying attention. it’s time to restructure your self-talk, which can cause us to
Carve out a few minutes every thinking—also called “reframing.” feel stuck. Reminding yourself
day to practice mindfulness. that you’re not the problem—
Take slow, deep breaths and If you do get stuck in a cycle everyone struggles and
tune in to what you’re think- of “shoulds,” Dattilo suggests suffers—can help you extend
ing and feeling. Along with your reframing those thoughts to more compassion to yourself.
thoughts and emotions, Spears “woulds.” For instance, instead “Compassion by definition is a
says, it’s also important to notice of “I should be more self- connected way of being,” says
physical sensations. Do you compassionate,” say to yourself, Neff. “With self-compassion, we
feel tired, tense, or ramped up? “It would be great if I could show frame our experience in light
Many of us don’t pay attention to myself more self-compassion, of a shared human experience.
how our thoughts and emotions and I’m going to try every day It’s not just you who’s having a
get expressed in the body, but to get better.” It can also help to
that’s one way our brains and remind yourself you’re not alone
nervous systems communicate in whatever you’re going through.
Past memories and experiences
with us, Spears says.
Then try to name what you’re

experiencing. Your emotions
and physical sensations are signs
that point to what you need,
which is the key to self-com-
passion. Spears says people who
can label their feelings accu-
rately are more skilled at calm-
ing themselves down, because
they can better identify how to
support themselves. Naming
your feelings also makes them
less mysterious and overwhelm-
ing. Whether you go for a walk
or grab your journal, take some
time to figure out the underly-
ing emotion. Maybe, for exam-
ple, you feel angry that things
haven’t been going well at work,
jealous of a friend who seems to

14 REAL SIMPLE

Talking out loud to yourself might feel
strange, but it’s a powerful practice
in reshaping your thinking, especially
if you include your name.

hard time or made a mistake— might feel strange, but it’s a At times, you may need what
it happens to everyone.” This powerful practice in reshaping Neff calls “fierce self-compas-
perspective can normalize your thinking, especially if you sion.” While tender self-com-
your pain and open the door to use the third person and include passion is accepting, loving, and
your name. “Your brain will soothing, fierce self-compassion
much-needed kindness. perceive that as someone else involves protective energy—
Next, after you notice, accept, setting boundaries, speaking up
saying it to you,” Dattilo says. about your needs, or saying no
and normalize your feelings, it’s You can even put your hand to prioritize your needs. If you’ve
time for a simple thought exper- taken care of a child, you know
iment: Ask yourself what you’d on your own shoulder or chest, about the importance of this
say to a good friend who’s going or hug yourself as you talk to “mama bear” energy. “If a child is
through the exact same thing. yourself. Studies show the body about to run into the street, you
Try saying something similar to responds the same way to self- don’t say, ‘I love you,’ you yell,
yourself out loud, in a comfort- touch as it does to a hug from ‘Stop!’” Neff says. The same pro-
ing tone of voice—maybe, for someone else—by reducing the tective energy is often essential
instance, “This is really hard, but cortisol response to psychoso- to self-compassion. When you
you’re resilient, and you have the cial stress. In the process, Spears catch yourself slipping back into
support you need to get through suggests taking a few slow, deep self-criticism—and you probably
it.” Talking to yourself out loud breaths to soothe your stressed- will, because changing your brain
out body; deep breathing and takes time and practice—that’s
mindfulness can also help a perfect opportunity to show
activate the calm-inducing yourself some kindness.

rest-and-digest response. No matter where you are on
Finally, take action. Acts of the journey, don’t forget to
pay attention to how your
self-care can be acts of self- thoughts change with you as a
compassion, Dattilo says, so compassionate guide. “You’ll
try to come up with a practical feel less overwhelmed by nega-
way of meeting your own needs. tive emotions [and feel more]
Schedule a day off if you’re over- warmth and support to deal with
whelmed. Do an activity you whatever you’re going through,”
love. Take a nap or a hot bath, Neff says. ■
or meet up with a supportive
loved one. A simple act of self- UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 15
care may not change the
trajectory of your life, but it does
demonstrate you’re taking your
commitment to self-compassion
seriously, which will help change

your thinking over time.



A BRIGHTER MINDSET

Manifestation,
Meet Science

Just visualizing your goals isn’t enough
to make them happen—but

it can be a good starting point.

BY DE ANNA PAI

C AN YOU THINK YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS? It’s not
that simple, but research shows that positive thoughts
and an optimistic mindset can help.
If you’ve ever heard of the book The Secret, the
runaway best seller that popularized the idea of using
the power of thought to achieve your biggest dreams
and loftiest goals, then you’re already familiar with the
concept of manifestation. Manifestation is a way of describing the law of
attraction—that is, positive thoughts attract positive things.

This kind of magical thinking sounds nice, but it’s not real, according to
Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a distinguished professor of psychology at the
University of California, Davis, who studies the benefits of happiness. “If
you define it as going out and being extroverted, or expressing gratitude,
or being optimistic, then yes, it ‘works,’” she says. Your thoughts can
create your reality, but it’s not just a matter of making a wish.

The reason Secret-style manifestation doesn’t work is that it doesn’t
align with reality—mostly because it doesn’t include a road map. “A goal
without a plan is just a fantasy,” says Julie Norem, PhD, a personality
psychology professor at Wellesley College who studies how people reach
their goals. And not only is concentrating on your success or goal unlikely
to get you anywhere, but it may actually work against you, says University
of Utah psychology professor Lisa Aspinwall, PhD. “If you focus on
visualizing the outcome but don’t spend the same kind of energy
planning how you’re going to achieve that outcome and handle obstacles,
there’s a lot of research suggesting you’re actually less likely to reach your

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 17

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

Specific, actionable plans are experience become lodged there rather than just
key to make dreams a reality. washing through the brain like water through a sieve.” To
Without them, our innate negativity do that, he turns to positive neuroplasticity, which posits
bias can derail even the most that the brain can change to become more positive. A
2021 study in the Journal of Positive Psychology, of
determined go-getter. which Hanson was the lead author, determined that
people can indeed learn from positive experiences and
goal,” she says. If we’re focused only on how great the train their brain to practice positive thinking.
outcome is, we may feel like we’ve gotten it already.
That can make specific, actionable plans irrelevant. Positive thinking entails having confidence and
optimism that you’ll succeed at a given challenge, be it a
That’s kind of a big deal, because, as ample studies job interview or a meetup with a new friend. It’s easier
show, these specific, actionable plans are key to making said than done, since humans aren’t designed to look on
your dreams a reality. Without them, our innate the bright side. “Positive thoughts can help you do better
negativity bias—the predisposition of humans to in life, but that does take effort,” says Lyubomirsky. “If it
prioritize and fixate on negative thoughts or events—can doesn’t feel natural, try it—and maybe it’ll start to feel
derail even the most determined go-getter. more natural or become a habit over time.” The goal is to
adopt something of a fake-it-’til-you-make-it attitude.
That negativity bias can be hard to beat, says
psychologist Rick Hanson, PhD, a senior fellow at the Just as (if not more) important as positive thoughts are
University of California, Berkeley’s Greater Good Science positive activities, which include expressing gratitude
Center. “We have a brain that is automatically designed and acts of kindness. Lyubomirsky’s research has found
by evolution to do five things,” he says. First, we scan for that these activities can spur positive emotions, positive
bad news. Second, we focus on it—think of obsessing thoughts, and positive behaviors, which can all increase
over a vague comment from your boss, for example. well-being. What’s worth noting is that the action is
Third, we overreact to it. “The brain reacts more to pain essential. Positive activity leads to positive thought—not
than to pleasure, and we react more to bad news than to the other way around.
good news,” Hanson says. Fourth, we over-learn from
negative experiences. In other words, you’re more likely Optimism is one type of positive thought that science
to remember a negative comment than a positive. And has shown to be particularly powerful. “Optimism is the
fifth, these negative experiences make the brain more generalized expectation that more good things will
sensitive to negativity. “We become more reactive, more happen than bad, versus ‘If something can go wrong for
sensitive, more vulnerable, more irritable, more prickly, me, it will,’” says Aspinwall. (In other words, it’s like the
and, let’s say, more anxious over time,” says Hanson. equal and opposite reaction to negative bias.) And rather
“And there’s no comparable process of sensitization in than optimism leading to denial or a “blissful ignorance”
the brain for positive experiences.” attitude, Aspinwall has found that optimism better
equips people to navigate and overcome negative
In the face of negative thoughts or occurrences, “very information, including barriers to a given goal.
quickly, people acquire feelings of helplessness or
defeat,” he says. “With just a setback or two, we tend to “Studies actually suggest that people who are
hunker down.” So it’s important when creating a plan to optimistic are better able to attend to and remember
achieve a big goal that you take into account your negative information when it’s useful and relevant to
negativity bias. In fact, half the work of achieving a goal them,” she says. “So they don’t soak up all negative
is simply reducing the number of obstacles that may get stuff—but if it’s something they need to know, they’re
in your way. more able to handle it.” And, she notes, while it’s not
possible to simply ask participants in a study to live their
The good news? You can change your brain for the lives optimistically, the usual workaround is to assign
better. “Negative experiences lodge in neural networks people to either be in a positive mood or affirm or
quickly,” Hanson says. “We have to help positive bolster their self-image in some way—so if you’re not a
naturally optimistic person, don’t sweat it.

Optimists also tend to have better coping abilities in
the face of challenges. “Attention to negative
information and more active ways of coping work

18 REAL SIMPLE

together, because if I try to solve a problem, I’m Aspinwall’s studies, participants were asked to spend
learning more about it than if I didn’t try to solve the time on three problems, the first of which, problem A,
problem, if I disengaged or gave up,” explains had no solution. Rather than spend all of their time
Aspinwall. For example, say you need to book an expert addressing problem A, optimists were more likely than
for a panel. If you reach out to more people, you’ll pessimists to move on and solve problems B and C.
gather potentially negative information—people decline, While Aspinwall warns that this doesn’t mean you
no one is interested, et cetera. But while reaching out— should call it quits anytime something gets tough, it’s
and, in doing so, engaging with the challenge—doesn’t worth keeping in mind when you’re fielding roadblocks.
guarantee a solution, you still made contacts and
possibly generated new ideas. If positive thinking doesn’t feel right to you, there’s
the “defensive pessimism” approach, which is especially
Another perk of optimism is a predisposition to helpful for those who tend to be anxious. “Defensive
something called “rapid disengagement.” In one of pessimism is a strategy for pursuing goals that involves
setting low—that is, pessimistic—expectations about
how things will go, and then mentally rehearsing all of
the bad things that might happen,” says Norem, who

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 19

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

researches the topic. She uses it when she travels: She Create Your Action Plan
leaves early, accounting for potential traffic delays or car
troubles, and, when packing, tries to prepare for the Just as you would for a work project or travel itinerary,
unusual or unexpected. If you’ve ever brought an extra draw up a plan for how you’re going to achieve your goal.
change of clothes in your carry-on bag in the event the “Do the work to outline the specific steps you will take
airline loses your checked luggage, that’s defensive toward the goal and a specific time line for when you
pessimism at work. will take them,” advises Norem. Be prepared to make the
effort over time, because this sort of thing isn’t a quick
This strategy can work because it accounts for—and fix. “If you want to lose weight, if you want to raise
doesn’t just try to override—your anxiety. Because happy children, if you want to be successful in your
whether that anxiety is realistic or not, it still must be career, you have to put work into it,” says Lyubomirsky.
addressed. And we usually handle it by avoidance (like “It’s the same thing with your happiness and positivity
not pursuing new opportunities at work) or self- and other kinds of goals.” Aspinwall recommends a
handicapping, which involves setting up an excuse to strategy called WOOP created by Gabriele Oettingen, a
explain any bad outcomes, like procrastination. These German psychologist. WOOP stands for Wish, Outcome,
methods can work, but they’re not helpful beyond the Obstacle, Plan. It includes both the actualization and
short term—and they don’t increase skills, offer visualization questions that accompany manifestation,
experience, or improve performance. “In contrast, but it also accounts for obstacles. However, “the key
defensive pessimism is effective in helping to harness thing is that P for plan,” says Aspinwall. “[Oettingen] has
the energy and activation associated with anxiety and shown time and again that the wish alone doesn’t work.”
direct it toward better outcomes,” Norem says. It works
in a few ways. First, acknowledging pessimistic Recognize the Positive
expectations can help buffer disappointment if things
do go badly, she says, “because we typically experience You can train your brain to prioritize positive thoughts
unexpected negative outcomes as worse than expected through positive neuroplasticity. At its core is practice:
negative outcomes.” And, more important, once Throughout the day, take time to recognize your positive
defensive pessimists anticipate problems, their mental experiences. “Deal with the bad, turn to the good, take in
rehearsal breaks up one anxiety-provoking scenario the good,” says Hanson. Then let praise and compliments
into smaller, more manageable pieces—similar to those from others sink in. “If people did this for five minutes a
specific, actionable steps discussed earlier. day, they would grow their self-worth that week,” he
says. If you need a reminder, Norem recommends jotting
Whether you’re game to try positive thinking or feel down your goal at the top of your calendar or keeping it
more like a defensive-pessimism person, Norem says, on a sticky note on your bathroom mirror. “Do
“any strategy is likely to have start-up costs and need something to keep your big goal mentally ‘available’ for
practice to work effectively, so give careful thought to inspiration,” she says.
the kind of person you are and the situation you’re in
before trying to adopt a new strategy.” Once you have
your strategy, incorporate these tips to reach your goals.

Set Subgoals

Having the goal of making it to the C-Suite is a good
one, but it can be intimidating if that’s the only thing
you’re working with—sure, it’s nice, but short of a
management miracle, it’s not the most likely outcome
on its own. “Breaking bigger goals into smaller, more
manageable pieces is a highly recommended strategy for
getting started, because it makes things less

20 REAL SIMPLE

overwhelming in general but also makes clear how I go to the supermarket, I will deliberately park farther
to get started and keep going in those smaller pieces— away rather than looking for a close spot,’ that’s a specific
precisely because they are specific and concrete,” intention with an action plan that will be cued by going
says Norem. “It’s a lot easier to get started when what to the supermarket.”
you’re starting with is something like planning your
outfit than if what you’re trying to start with is ‘give a Account for Negativity Bias
great presentation.’” Plus, smaller goals allow for
satisfaction along the way, rather than just at the end. Finally, although we may be hardwired for negativity,
“don’t let negativity bias suck you into tunnel vision,”
Anticipate Obstacles says Hanson. “Don’t focus on what’s wrong or scary,
like doom-scrolling.” Practicing mindfulness can help,
Ever intend to go to the gym but get sidetracked by as it entails slowing down and taking stock of your
a coworker pinging you about an upcoming project? current emotions and feelings. “We need to be mindful
“There’s lots of things we intend to do, and then something to recognize what’s good, and we need to sustain
happens to derail us from doing them,” says Aspinwall. mindfulness to engage and experience neuroplasticity to
It’s possible, however, to “shield” your intentions from take in the good,” he says. “In addition to that, of course,
obstacles. One way is to use implementation intention, we’ve got to cope with the bad.” Consider queuing up a
which allows for an advanced plan—for instance, if you mini meditation or mindfulness session to do an audit of
encounter X, you will do Y. That advanced plan can how you’re feeling. Once you parse your current positive
help you from going off-course, in part by making the and negative feelings, you’ll be able to better focus on the
end goal more specific. If your goal is to get more good—and let the negative go. ■
exercise, says Aspinwall, ask yourself: What will you be
doing? When will you do it? With whom? What time of
day? “If you don’t furnish it with any of those specific
plans, it just sits out there in the ether like a good thing
to do, but it’s not tied or tethered to some circumstance
in my life,” she points out. “Whereas if I say, ‘OK, when

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 21

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

A Separate Peace

Of course you adore your loved
ones—but you’re allowed to catch a

moment to yourself. Here’s how
to set boundaries with compassion.

BY LISA ARBETTER

“ I D ON ’ T H AV E T I M E to do Boundary setting is a form of
anything for myself!” Therapist self-care that’s just as impor-
Nedra Glover Tawwab hears tant as eating well and getting
this complaint on heavy enough sleep. “We treat self-care
rotation from patients who are as an optional practice,” Taw-
stressed out, burned out, and wab says. “It’s what we do after
worn out, women who resent everything else, but it should
their families because they’ve be what we do before anything
sacrificed their own mental, else.” By saying no to something
physical, and emotional well- in order to say yes to your own
being to tend to everyone needs, she explains, you might
else’s needs. If this sounds like avoid the burnout, depression,
your life, there’s a solution— and anxiety she sees in many of
and it’s not changing your her patients.
identity and escaping to the
Seychelles. It’s setting There are a lot of compli-
boundaries. “Boundaries are cated emotions swirling around
clearly expressed expectations caregiving roles, but we’ll tackle
and needs that help you feel them one at a time.
safe and comfortable in your
relationships,” says Tawwab, What If I Seem Rude?
author of Set Boundaries, Find
Peace: A Guide to Reclaiming Setting boundaries can be
Yourself. uncomfortable for some women,
partially because of the way
women are often socialized—to
be agreeable and nurturing. “As

22 REAL SIMPLE

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 23

a woman, you’re not supposed is my solution for this issue.’” For mean repeating yourself sev-
to need much. ‘Hey, I’m low- instance: “I’m happy to travel to eral times. To help manage your
maintenance.’ ‘Thanks, I’m fine,’” your family’s house on Thanks- impatience at having to say the
says Kasia Urbaniak, author of giving, but I don’t want to stay same thing over and over, Taw-
Unbound: A Woman’s Guide to the entire weekend. I need some wab suggests thinking about the
Power. One way to cope with time to decompress.” Don’t bring last time you tried to change a
the uneasiness of setting limits: up the past (“That time you made habit. Chances are you had a
Reframe how you think us stay 10 days was miserable!”), few false starts before the new
about them. “The intention of which may cause an unnecessary routine took hold. When you set
establishing a boundary is to argument and derail your con- a boundary, you are essentially
make your relationships much versation. And don’t tack asking your family members to
better,” Urbaniak says. It’s not a on too many details (“I have a break a habit—one they’re not
reprimand but an appeal big meeting the following week, even that invested in breaking—
for cooperation from people you and I haven’t been sleeping so cut them some slack, and
love. You’re asking your family well, and I’d have to cancel my expect a little backsliding.
for help with your happiness, hair appointment”), which may
which in turn will make you a obscure your point entirely.
more patient and present part-
ner, sibling, or parent. Once the boundary is set, you
need to reinforce it, which may
How Do I Get Started?

First set boundaries with your-
self. Choose a few nonnegotia-
bles, such as “I take a walk every
day at lunch” or “I set aside
time to sit in silence every
morning.” Assert them without
apology, and schedule them
into your calendar if you need
to. Self-care practices are
most effective when done daily,
but every bit counts.

What’s the Best Way to
Express My Boundaries?

Communicate clearly, and follow
up diligently. Tawwab advises
keeping your message short
and to the point. “State your
boundary in one or two sen-
tences,” she says. “Stick to ‘This

24 REAL SIMPLE

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

Once the boundary is set, you need
to reinforce it, which may

mean repeating yourself several times.

Shouldn’t My Family Just How Can I Say No suggests saying something like,
Know I Need Time Alone? When My Family Asks “I don’t want to contribute by
for My Help? saying anything negative about
You can’t assume your family the situation,” or “Tell me some-
members know what you want. “Those of us who are people thing good that happened today.”
If you go to another room pleasers assume others won’t If you still find the conversa-
and close the door, you might like us when we advocate for tions depleting, limit the length
think they understand you need what we want,” Tawwab says. and frequency of your chats. You
some space—until someone “But people tend to appreciate could set a time for a weekly or
knocks or, worse, bursts in and honesty and don’t abandon us if monthly catch-up, which will
starts talking. Instead of getting we say no.” The key is to strike a assure her she’ll have your ear
angry, take it as a sign that your balance between your needs and (for a little while) and might stop
boundary needs to be made the needs of others. The next the incessant calls.
explicit. “Clarity saves relation- time you get a request, buy your-
ships,” Tawwab says. Tell them, self time so you can think about What If I Get Pushback?
“Hey, I’m in here trying to relax your decision instead of giving
for about 30 minutes. I’ll be a knee-jerk yes you’ll have to People may question or simply
out soon.” weasel out of later. Urbaniak ignore your boundaries. Urba-
suggests this very effective tech- niak recommends that, rather
nique to avoid automatically than shutting down or lashing
committing to something: Slow out, you ask them what’s fuel-
down the conversation by ask- ing their need for you. Once you
ing questions: “What exactly know their concerns, collaborate
will this entail?” “How long do on a solution. You might need to
you expect this to take?” “Have explain how this boundary will
you asked anyone else?” This make you happier, which ben-
gives you time to collect your efits you both. For example, you
thoughts (and more informa- can say, “You know my mood
tion). “It’s harder to backtrack improves a million times when
on an automatic yes than to not I sneak in even a 20-minute
deliver one in the first place,” walk, so I’ll be a much better
Urbaniak says. And reneging dinner companion.” ■
may leave the other person even
more disappointed.

How Do I Tell My
Constantly Complaining
Sister That She Drains Me?

You can try changing the sub-
ject, or leading by example and
not complaining yourself. But
if that doesn’t work, Tawwab

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 25

26 REAL SIMPLE

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

Every Breath You Take

The right breathing techniques can
strengthen your heart, deepen your sleep,

and, yes, ease your troubled mind.

BY JULIA MERCADO

W E M AY MON I TOR our Science of a Lost Art, who
vegetable intake, our cardio interviewed scientists,
routine, and our sleep habits, anthropologists, and others to
yet we rarely consider one investigate how breath affects
simple act that fuels everything our bodies. “Modern research is
we do: breathing. We chug showing us that adjusting the
along, taking 17,000 to 20,000 way we breathe can rejuvenate
breaths a day, blissfully our organs, boost our athletic
unaware of most of them. But performance, and help with
proponents of breathwork, the snoring, allergies, and asthma.”
therapeutic use of breathing And COVID-19 brought breath
techniques, say the practice can even more to the forefront, he
chase away anxiety, increase adds: “When we’re denied the
energy, and help manage pain. ability to breathe, we become
Though the discipline has been acutely aware of it. Humans are
around for generations, lately a reactionary species. If we’re
it’s having a moment, with in danger of losing something,
breathwork artists and medical we tend to wake up and pay
professionals alike encouraging attention.”
people to show their lungs
some love. Breathing fuels our cells, our
brain (which makes up only 2
“You would be astounded by percent of our body but needs
how many pulmonologists, 20 percent of our oxygen
cardiologists, and other experts capacity), and our other organs,
are exploring breathing, both for which depend on oxygen-rich
themselves and for their blood to function well. Deep
patients,” says James Nestor,
author of Breath: The New

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 27

breathing also stimulates communities, and that The other issue is that our
the vagus nerve, which becomes our normal way of slacker diaphragms have
connects the brain and the gut, operating. Some people have forgotten how to work. “Most
helping to relax the body told me, ‘These classes have of us have what’s called an
and take us out of fight-or- saved my life.’” amnestic diaphragm,” says
flight mode. While shallow Belisa Vranich, PsyD, author
breathing tells our primal self Breathing Lessons of Breathe: The Simple,
that we need to be ready to Revolutionary 14-Day Program
run from lurking threats, The only problem with this to Improve Your Mental and
deep breathing reassures us affordable, portable therapy Physical Health. “Before we’re
that, for the moment, we’re we’re all capable of self- 5 or so, we breathe from the
OK, which makes it a powerful administering? Most of us aren’t middle of the body, which is
aid in managing chronic stress. very good at it. One reason is perfect. Then things start to
anatomical, according to Nestor. happen—waistbands, anxiety,
“Breathwork was the tool “Our faces have changed imitating our parents, sucking
that helped me reconnect with dramatically over the course of in our belly, sitting all day—and
my body and trust it—the evolution, so much so that our we stop breathing from our
sensations and the aches and mouths are now too small and diaphragm, which means we’re
the heaviness and the wisdom,” our teeth no longer fit,” he says. not getting enough air.” As we
says Jasmine Marie, founder of (Fun fact: That’s why many age, we may find ourselves
Black Girls Breathing, which humans, unlike most other frequently feeling mildly
offers virtual breathwork animals, don’t naturally have breathless, a state known as
classes to Black women and nice, straight teeth.) A smaller “air hunger.”
girls worldwide. “We are mouth means a smaller airway,
extremely taxed these days, which makes it harder to To get enough of that
especially in marginalized breathe. Also, Nestor says, we’re nutritious air, we should be
dealing with environmental breathing horizontally, as
factors such as pollution, which Vranich puts it, not vertically.
doesn’t exactly encourage deep, If you’re a vertical breather,
hearty inhales. you’ll feel your shoulders rise
and fall. When you put one
hand on your chest and the
other on your belly as you
breathe, the top hand will move
more. If you’re a horizontal
breather, the top of your body
won’t move at all. Only your
middle, from your pecs to your
pelvis, will expand, your belly
rising and falling like that of a
chilled-out golden retriever.

Fortunately, we nervous
humans can train ourselves to
breathe more effectively,
Vranich says. Here are a few of
her exercises to get you on the
right path.

28 REAL SIMPLE

Intro to Belly Breathing middle expands; on the A BRIGHTER MINDSET
exhale, it squeezes in. At first
Sit on a chair or cross-legged on this may feel like two separate Make sure the movement of
the floor. If you’re on a chair, movements, but with practice, your abs and your exhale
don’t lean against the back. If they’ll become synchronized. are in sync: Scoop your belly
you’re on the floor, sit on a Try setting reminders—on your in as you blow out the candles.
blanket or pillow. As you inhale, phone alarm, for instance— This technique is similar,
expand your belly and lean to do some rock-and-roll Vranich says, to yoga’s breath
forward. As you exhale, lean breathing throughout the day. of fire, which is thought to
back like you’re slumping on a improve digestion and
couch. Contract your belly and Exhale Pulsation respiratory health and help you
exhale until you feel completely feel less irritable and angry.
empty. Remember, you want to Scoop your belly in, as if the Fast reps can raise blood
be a lower-body breather, so muscles were pulling your pressure, so if that’s an issue
your neck, shoulders, and upper belly button deep into your for you, take this one at a
chest should stay soft and body, and at the same time, slower pace.
relaxed. On the inhale, your exhale in a whoosh, as if you
were blowing out candles on a Recovery Breath
cake. As you exhale, let the air
hit the back of your teeth in Vranich calls this two-parter
order to make a noise. Unlike “meditation for people who
rock-and-roll breathing, this can’t meditate.” Part one: Lie
shouldn’t involve your back. flat on your back, one hand on
your chest and the other on
your stomach, and breathe
through your mouth. Inhale
from your belly, letting only the
bottom hand rise. Then,
without exhaling, take another
inhale and fill the top of your
lungs. This time, your top hand
should move. (It may feel
strange at first.) Exhale
enthusiastically in one breath,
feeling your chest and belly
contract. Find a rhythm that
suits you and stick with it. Part
two: Place your arms at your
sides, palms up. Relax your
body, from your face and your
jaw to the tips of your fingers
and toes. With each inhale,
imagine yourself lifting up a
little higher. With each exhale,
sink a little deeper. Aim for two
minutes. Later you can
graduate to three or four. ■

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 29

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

The Benefits of
Spirituality

Are you finding as much purpose and meaning as you’d like? Psychologist
and researcher Lisa Miller may have the missing link.

BY AMY MACLIN

AS A SOCIETY, we’re becoming How did you become nothing more than the sum of
more aware that mental interested in the link the events that had beset them,
health is just as important as between spirituality and but within us there’s a spirit so
physical health. But spiritual mental health? strong that it can renew itself.
health is still absent from the Life regenerates. You can take a
conversation, says Lisa Miller, I started my career as a clinical walk through any forest and see
PhD, a psychologist and internist at a psychiatric that. I didn’t feel as if these
Columbia University professor inpatient unit. My patients patients were being given the
who has spent more than 20 had been in and out of that chance to renew themselves
years studying the relationship hospital multiple times. One and move into the wider world.
between spirituality and had been a child in the
depression. Miller believes that Holocaust. One had been One patient requested
when we ignore our spiritual abandoned by her parents. We a service on the Jewish
lives, we shut ourselves off therapists helped them comb holiday of Yom Kippur,
from a world of connection, the past for insights that we and you led them through
guidance, and mystery. In her hoped could release their prayers and songs they’d
most recent book, The present suffering. According to known since childhood.
Awakened Brain: The New that model, the bad things that How did that go?
Science of Spirituality and Our happened to you somehow
Quest for an Inspired Life, she define you, and even if you can It woke those patients back up.
blends research, philosophy, articulate them, you’re still We were connecting with one
and personal experience to shaped by them. To me, that felt another and with something
offer powerful evidence that by like a death sentence for these bigger than ourselves. It wasn’t
acknowledging the soul, we patients. People were viewed as just that they appeared uplifted
can heal ourselves. We asked by the ceremony itself.
Miller to enlighten us. Afterward, each person was
restored in exactly the place
30 REAL SIMPLE where they’d been habitually
cut off. One expressed feelings



A BRIGHTER MINDSET were thicker and stronger
in exactly the same regions
of self-worth; one seemed that weaken and wither in
steadier and more integrated; depressed brains.
one had gratitude and a new
appreciation for life. I wanted But what if you don’t Why might someone with
to understand what created have a traditional a spiritual brain—what
that healing lift and to measure religious practice? you call an “awakened”
how spiritual experiences brain—be more resilient?
relate to depression. Even if we don’t adhere to a
faith tradition, each of us is The awakened brain is our
And what did you naturally able to connect to hardwired, innate capacity to
discover? the life force that moves in, see into life at a deeper level
through, and around us. Many and know we’re never alone.
People with a strong spiritual of us have had experiences Just as we all have our
life are 80 percent less likely to we might describe as spiritual: stories and our pasts, there’s
meet the clinical diagnostic A moment of deep connection also a common fabric we share.
criteria for addiction and 60 with another human being When we awaken, we see life
percent less likely to have deep, or in nature. A feeling of awe. as a sacred journey. We don’t
recurrent major depression. In A time when a stranger showed control it; we navigate it,
one study, we asked a sample of up and did something for like a pilot navigates the skies.
clinically depressed and you. A time you felt buoyed by We’re in dialogue with this vital,
nondepressed women, along something greater than magnificent life that’s never
with their children and yourself—a higher power, what we mail-ordered.
grandchildren, “How important perhaps, but also nature or the We say, “Yes, I’ve had losses,
is spirituality to you?” We then universe, or even the surge but there is a golden thread
took MRI scans and discovered of connection at a concert or that guides me forward. I’m
that the brains of highly sporting event. going to meet someone who
spiritual people were healthier will be meaningful to me. I’m
and more robust. Their brains going to travel or take another
job. I’m going to discover
a way of being I don’t even
know yet.” Awakened awareness
opens us up to possibility
in the future.

How can we cultivate an
awakened brain?

Through practice, whether it’s
meditation, walks in nature,
long reflection, or deep,
important conversations with
the people you love the most

32 REAL SIMPLE

and the people who need it How has that mindset down next to me on the bus and
the most. When you know helped in your own life? said, out of the blue, “You look
you’re not alone and you have a like the type of woman who
setback, you don’t think, “I’m in When I was struggling with would adopt all sorts of kids
a hailstorm.” You think, “I’m infertility, I was so depressed. from all over the world.” Then
disappointed, but I know I’m Everything I’d studied said my mother happened to
loved, held, and guided. What spirituality was the way through mention someone she knew
might be next?” You’re more depression, but how do you do who had adopted a child
curious about life. Miracles that? I learned you do it by from Russia. Synchronicity
happen because we see them listening to life. While I was out built on synchronicity.
and say yes to them. of town getting fertility Eventually my husband and
treatments, my hotel-room I adopted our son, Isaiah, from
TV was stuck on a documentary Russia and went on to have
about an orphan boy who two more children. ■
said he just wanted to be loved.
My husband and I looked at
each other, and we knew there
was a child out there for us.
Then one day a stranger sat

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 33

Overcome the Overwhelm

Is life leaving you tired and wired? Here’s how to step away from the stress.

BY RACHEL SYLVESTER

34 REAL SIMPLE

A BRIGHTER MINDSET

IS IT THE STATE of the world? out at work or overwhelmed at Move for 20 Minutes,
The time of year? The endless home (or—quite possibly–both), Daily
Groundhog Day round of pinpoint the tasks that sap your
daily chores? If you’re feeling energy or inspire the most dread. Yes, it may be the last thing
unaccountably listless, these Being aware of your personal you want to do. But a walk or
are the kinds of questions that stressors can help you determine bike ride can help you snap out
may be running through your what needs to change on your of a funk, and you’ll feel great
head on a loop. You may be to-do list. when it’s over. Sleep, water, and
languishing. Sociologist Corey nutrition are important, but
L. M. Keyes coined the term Invest in Your Social Life you have to get outside and away
to mean the space that exists from whatever is zapping your
between depression and When you’re wiped out, energy, says Ziegler, who argues
flourishing. It’s a nebulous socializing is often the first thing that very few weather conditions
middle (and “meh”) ground, a to go. But receiving support from truly inhibit you from grabbing
draining blend of stagnation, others is the very thing that a little fresh air. Stop telling
exhaustion, and anxiety that can will replenish you. Social yourself you’ll exercise as soon
take hold of us no matter our connection is a highly effective— as you catch up on work.
occupation—parents, caregivers, and often underused—tool Just get up and move for 5
and nine-to-fivers can all to help combat burnout and or 10 minutes, five days per
begin to short-circuit. But with stagnation. When you’re fatigued, week. If you’re already active,
the following insights from consider carving out time for don’t rely solely on your
professionals, you can press the a quick video chat or coffee sweat sessions at the gym. It’s
mental reset button. break with a neighbor. “Regular important to move throughout
connection and laughter remind the day, no matter how many
Don’t Rule Out Burnout you you’re not alone,” says Sheryl minutes you clock during a
Gonzalez Ziegler, PhD, a therapist single fitness class, Ziegler says. ■
A lot of us interchange terms and author of Mommy Burnout.
like burnout and exhaustion, but Research shows that when you UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 35
there’s an important difference expand your inner circle of
between them. Technically, friends, you can combat anxiety
burnout usually pertains to work. better. Having a trusted crew of
Ordinary tiredness, boredom, and confidants boosts your overall
stress may result from limited mental health, strengthens
time and energy. “It’s easy to your immune system, and
equate burnout and exhaustion,” helps alleviate the effects of
says Jonathan Malesic, author emotional distress, studies have
of The End of Burnout. “But found. “Insert yourself into a
if you can take a break from community, like a book club
a task and come back feeling or a place of worship,” Ziegler
energized, then what you had says. “If one doesn’t exist locally,
wasn’t burnout.” Once you create your own community with
identify whether you’re burned like-minded friends, and more
connections will come.”

36 REAL SIMPLE

CHAPTER 2

HAPPINESS
AT HOME

Cultivate long-term joy by optimizing your routine, freshening
up your space, and curating a relaxing bookshelf.

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 37

Get It Done!

Take out that red pen
and finally scratch those
lingering tasks off your

list. The sense of
accomplishment might
seriously boost your mental

well-being.

ILLUSTRATIONS BY
ANDREA MANZATI

HAPPINESS AT HOME

BRING YOUR RÉSUMÉ
INTO 2022

Nix old-school sections: There’s Banish Junk Mail
no need for references, objective Everywhere
sentences, or extracurriculars, says
Sarah Dewey, a talent sourcer Call 888-5-OPT-OUT or visit
at Meta and former recruiter for optoutprescreen.com to stop
Jobscan, a résumé-building site. receiving credit-card and insur-
“They can make it harder to find the ance offers. If you keep
skills and experience I’m searching getting junk mail or unwanted
your résumé for,” she explains. catalogs, visit dmachoice.org;
for $2, you can opt out of
Keep it simple: Avoid fancy a match,” Dewey says. Keep a bank entire categories of mail for 10
formatting and use a résumé of skills in a separate document, and years. Also, try the app
template from Microsoft Word or pull from it to fine-tune your PaperKarma ($4 per month,
Pages instead. Be concise and résumé for different jobs. $25 per year, $60 lifetime; iOS
clearly convey your hard skills with and Android), which helps you
specific examples, Dewey says. Have an online presence: unsubscribe from most
Mention whether you have remote A paper résumé is still necessary, unwanted mail after you take a
experience as well. “Demonstrating but these days, a digital presence on photo of it. Beyond clicking
that you would have less of a site such as LinkedIn is also unsubscribe, you can “train”
a learning curve in a new work expected. The most highly searched your inbox to handle unwanted
environment is a real benefit,” and informative parts of your profile types of email. In Gmail, click
she points out. Don’t be ashamed are your photo, current position (or on Report Spam. In Outlook,
of career gaps, especially ones that education, if just entering the send the message to your junk
occurred during the pandemic. workforce), location, industry, skills, folder. Subsequent emails from
“That said, it can be beneficial to and summary. And unlike your paper the sender will go to spam auto-
include what you’ve been doing to résumé, your LinkedIn account will matically, so you can batch
keep your skills sharp—like taking display with your headshot. So make delete them. The app Unroll.
online classes or pursuing side sure it looks professional, with the Me (free; iOS and Android) lets
projects,” Dewey suggests. proper contrast and saturation. A you unsubscribe from mass
picture helps colleagues and friends promotional emails or group
Make it adaptable: Many larger recognize you and can solicit more them into daily email digests.
companies use applicant tracking offers, messages, and results in —Martha Upton
systems to help recruiters scan recruiters’ searches.
résumés and find the most qualified
applicants. “Make sure the keywords Use numbers and action verbs:
mentioned in the job description Avoid the common mistake of
appear prominently in your résumé generically listing past job
so a recruiter can quickly see you’re responsibilities in the experience
section. That doesn’t necessarily
explain what you’ve accomplished
professionally. Instead, use verbs that
focus on specific actions, such as
“spearheaded” or “developed,” and,
where possible, include numbers,
such as “increased revenue by 12
percent.” –Brandi Broxson

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 39

HAPPINESS AT HOME

FREE UP SPACE ON TRY A
YOUR PHONE BIKE COMMUTE

Unused apps are a total eyesore—and an Still a little wary of public transit, or just tired of
unnecessary drain on precious phone data. To create gridlock traffic in the morning? John Fowler,
a more efficient and attractive home screen, start senior vice president at Huffy, has been biking to
with a good old-fashioned app purge. Determine work for 30 years—and he shared his top tips.
which apps you use the least by checking your
phone’s battery usage in the settings. Jot down the Ease into it: Plug your work address into a map
ones you only use once or twice a month and then app and check the available routes. A 10-mile
manually delete them. (It’s unlikely you’ll miss the journey or less is great for beginners. The way
apps, but you can always redownload them if you you drive to work might not be suitable for
need them again.) Next, declutter your home screen biking, so consider a longer route that helps you
by dragging and dropping apps into folders. avoid heavy vehicle traffic—better yet, look for a
Categorize each one by color or purpose: For designated bike lane or path. Take a test ride
example, you might use the label “Listen” for Audible before your first official bike commute to get
and Spotify and “Watch” for YouTube and Netflix. familiar with your chosen route. Remember that
—Rachel Sylvester your commute should be a relaxing activity, not
a scene out of Mad Max.
40 REAL SIMPLE
Choose your ride: If you’re shopping for a
new bike, look for one that has at least three gears
and a seat that puts you in a comfortable riding
position. There’s no universal commuter bike, so
think about your route and preferences. If you
already own a bike, take it in for a quick
maintenance check.

Be prepared: Make sure there’s enough air in
your tires, and outfit your bike with a bell, lights
and reflectors, and a sturdy lock. You’ll also want
a hand air pump and a spare inner tube in case
you get a flat. Before you hit the road, pack a
waterproof bag with a change of clothes, rain gear,
and body wipes so you can freshen up before
clocking in. —Brandi Broxson

Clean Grimy
Mini Blinds

Start by vacuuming closed
blinds horizontally with
a brush attachment, says
Sarah McAllister, director
and CEO of GoCleanCo, a
cleaning company. This will
pick up much of the filth and
make the rest of the job eas-
ier. Then tilt the blinds so
you can clean the other side.
Next, fill a bucket with hot
water and add a teaspoon
of powdered laundry deter-
gent or a dishwasher pod.
(McAllister swears by pods
for kitchen blinds—they
cut through dusty grease
exceptionally well.) Dip a
micro-fiber cloth in the solu-
tion and, working from top to
bottom, pinch each slat
with your cloth-covered
hand and swipe horizontally.
Replace the water often with
a freshly mixed batch, and
don’t forget to wipe
the pull cord! —Leslie Corona

ORGANIZE YOUR RECIPES

Emily Teel, senior food editor at Better Homes & Gardens, relies on
the app Paprika Recipe Manager ($5, iOS and Android; $30,
Windows and Mac): “I can download magazine recipes from the
publication’s website, and I can even save recipes from a library
book by snapping a photo.” Teel also likes being able to customize
categories (“chicken,” “vegan,” “entertaining”). While you must
purchase the app for each different platform (iPhone vs. Mac vs.
Windows), your account syncs seamlessly between devices (and
those on your Apple Family Sharing plan), so that a recipe you
save on your laptop can be accessed on your phone—or your
husband’s—at the grocery store. Still prefer your recipes on paper?
Grab a three-ring binder and a box of clear sheet protectors.
Label each sheet protector by category, sort your recipes into the
corresponding categories, and add them to the binder. Using a
one-size-fits-all system like this means you can easily corral
Nana’s recipe cards plus anything you tear out of a magazine or
print from a website. —Jenna Helwig

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 41

HAPPINESS AT HOME

DUST YOUR BELOVED BOOKS Make a Family
Giving Plan
Excess dust has been linked to worse mental health, sleep disruption,
and fatigue. But put down the damp microfiber cloth, says Brandy VOLUNTEER TOGETHER
O’Briant, owner of the book-subscription service Page 1 Books. You don’t Call a family meeting and
want water—even a little—near paper pages. Instead, try a physical discuss how you’d like to
duster to freshen those tomes. —L.C. spend time as a group.
Maybe you want to pitch in
42 REAL SIMPLE at a monthly beach cleanup
or an animal shelter. Check
volunteermatch.org and
goldenvolunteer.com for
local opportunities.

GIVE FOOD YEAR-ROUND
“Due to COVID, there’s been
need all the time,” says Kay
Carter, CEO of Second Har-
vest Food Bank of Metrolina
in Charlotte, North Carolina.
“And when many children
were learning remotely, we
were trying to make sure
they’d receive the food
they’d receive if they were in
school.” Before donating,
contact your local food bank
to find out what items
it needs. Consider sought-
after items like fresh
produce, meat, and dairy
rather than cans when pos-
sible. Sometimes funds are
more helpful than goods,
especially for donation
centers with reduced staff.

AUTOMATE FINANCIAL
D O N AT I O N S Identify where
and how much you’d like to
give, then set up automatic
donations. Give once a
month rather than at the
end of the year. “Receiving
recurring support from
donors throughout the year
lets organizations plan and
adapt more quickly,” says
Phil Buchanan, president of
the Center for Effective
Philanthropy. —R.S.

FIND A that we’re getting two different take some of the guesswork out of
THERAPIST stories—not to mention jealousy the process. You fill out a
and concerns about whose ‘side’ questionnaire and get matched with
Searching for the right therapist we’re on.” However, your friend’s a licensed therapist. For a weekly
“is a little like dating,” says Maliha therapist might be happy to fee, you receive counseling via live
Khan, a therapist at the Menninger offer a referral. Khan and Smith video sessions, with the flexibility to
Clinic in Houston. “You may also recommend searching for a communicate anytime via text,
have to go through a few trials to therapist at psychologytoday.com audio, picture, and video messages.
find the one.” Here’s how to meet or goodtherapy.org. You can filter
your match. by location, gender, fee, accepted Though research has shown that
insurance plans, and type of video therapy is just as effective as
Clarify your goals: Many therapy. You can also check out a the face-to-face kind, text and
therapists specialize in one or more candidate’s credentials (clinical other messaging should be a
areas—like addiction, self-esteem social workers have master’s degrees; supplement to care, not a substitute
issues, or career counseling—so psychiatrists have medical degrees), for it, says John Torous, MD, director
having a clear objective will help years of experience, areas of of digital psychiatry at Harvard
focus your search. Also consider expertise, and even photo. To verify Medical School’s Beth Israel
what approach appeals to you. If a clinician’s license, contact your Deaconess Medical Center.
you’re looking to unearth the source state board, or try searching for the “Asynchronous texting—when a
of unhealthy relationship patterns, therapist on your state board’s client sends a text and might not get
you may prefer traditional talk license verification website. a response until hours later—
therapy (also called psychodynamic removes the therapeutic bond,
therapy), which delves into the root Unfortunately, therapy, like most which is the active ingredient in
causes of emotions. If you want to health care, is not cheap. If you mental health care,” he says.
address a specific behavior—say, need a more affordable solution,
social anxiety—you may opt for a find out whether your company Make a connection: Some
targeted method like cognitive offers free short-term therapy therapists will agree to a free 10- to
behavioral therapy (CBT), which through an employee assistance 15-minute consultation, Khan says:
challenges unhelpful thoughts, program. Or try your community “Come with a list of questions, then
usually through practical exercises. health center, your place of worship, tell them about your goals and ask
Can’t decide? Some practitioners or the psychology department at a about their approach.” That initial
offer a combination of approaches. nearby college or university, which contact will help you assess whether
may provide services at a reduced you like the vibe between you,
Shop around: Even if a trusted rate or on a sliding scale (the lower which is more important than any
friend has a therapist they love, your income, the lower the fee). specialty or advanced degree.
counselors aren’t like hairstylists— Other options: the websites “Clinical research hasn’t found an
it’s generally not a good idea for Talkspace and BetterHelp, which algorithm for determining who’s
both of you to see the same one. right for you,” Torous points out.
“Therapists are careful about “Listen to your gut, and see what it
confidentiality,” says Jeffery Smith, says.” —Amy Maclin
MD, a psychiatrist in Scarsdale,
New York, “but patients can’t help
being distracted by the knowledge

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 43

SAVE MONEY ON YOUR HOMEOWNERS
AND AUTO INSURANCE PREMIUMS

Focus on safety: Installing deadbolts, a fire replacing your roof could save you 5 percent. If you
extinguisher, or a security system can get you have a basement, installing a sump pump could
up to 10 percent off your homeowners insurance, lower your rate, depending on the amount of water
says Fabio Faschi, former property and casualty backup coverage you have. An automatic water
operations manager with Policygenius, an insurance shutoff valve, which protects against flooding from
comparison site. On your car, features like a backup a burst pipe, could also get you a 3 to 5 percent
camera and antitheft device may qualify you for a discount, Faschi says.
better auto insurance rate. And taking a safe-driving
course can earn you a discount of up to 15 percent. Save by bundling: If you purchase your home
Check your local department of motor vehicles or and auto policies from the same company, you
AAA branch for an online or in-person class. could receive up to 20 percent off, Gusner says.
Bundling identity theft insurance and life insurance
Try basic upgrades: Save up to 5 percent by could also save you 2 to 5 percent. —B.B.
etching your vehicle identification number onto
your windshield (you can buy a DIY kit for about
$20). This can help authorities identify and recover
your car if it’s stolen, says Penny Gusner, a
consumer insurance analyst and senior insurance
writer at Forbes Advisor. As for your home,

44 REAL SIMPLE

FIND STASHED CASH HAPPINESS AT HOME

Most Americans have about $100 in unclaimed money, says Marietta Tidy the Crafts
Jelks, a consumer education expert at USA.gov, and it takes mere Stockpile
minutes to track it down and start getting it back. The mistake most
people make is hiring someone to find it for them, Jelks says—the fee You’re hardly alone if, during
could be as much as 20 percent of the total find. Visit usa.gov/ the pandemic, your home
unclaimed-money for free resources and links to help recover dough slowly started resembling the
from every possible source. Note that unclaimed money may not be art room at the school your
held forever. Depending on your state, the government could reclaim kid wasn’t attending. The key
it in as few as five years. to organizing all those sup-
plies is to first tamp down
Check in other states: Remember to look for unclaimed money in your impulse to buy more.
any state you’ve ever lived in. USA.gov provides links to search each “Kids feel overwhelmed when
state individually. they have too much. More
things doesn’t mean more
Check your old banks: Closed or failed banks are often sources of creativity,” says organizer
unclaimed money. Visit the Federal Deposit Insurance Corporation’s Shauna Yule Brasseur of
website (fdic.gov) to see if you’re owed money from a failed bank. Lovely Life Home in Hingham,
Massachusetts. Once you’ve
Check for undeliverables: Often money that should be yours— donated what your kids don’t
such as tax returns and security deposits—doesn’t find its way use, sort the keepers into
to you because there’s no forwarding address. The funds are remitted clear, labeled shoeboxes. Des-
to the unclaimed money offices, Jelks says, which are searchable by ignate one box for smaller
state through USA.gov. —M.U. items, like beads and pom-
poms; store them in the box
in clear jars, she says. Nikki
Boyd, an organizer in Charles-
ton, South Carolina, recom-
mends stashing a “creativity
box” in the pantry. Kids often
want to do crafts at the
kitchen table, and “it keeps
them occupied while you’re
making dinner.” Store draw-
ing and construction paper
vertically in magazine holders
or file folders so kids can
pluck out just a piece or two.
When your mini Amy Sherald
gets going on a masterpiece
and bedtime beckons, put the
project in a handled tray, says
Ashley Murphy, cofounder of
Neat Method: “It keeps the
space clutter-free until next
time.” —Rory Evans

UNDERSTANDING MENTAL HE ALTH 45

HAPPINESS AT HOME

Color Me Happier

A little pigment goes a long way
when it comes to boosting your mood.

Embrace the wonders of color
with these ideas to saturate the soul.

BY SHARLENE BREAKEY

1

Mix and Match Without Hesitation

Pantone’s annual color of the year reflects the current
zeitgeist, and in 2021 the Pantone Color Institute
put out two supportive colors. Gray is a color attached
to the earth—pebbles, stone, granite—and it symbolizes
solidity and resilience. We paired that with a
luminous yellow—a soft color everyone associates with
a shining sun—to capture the feeling of going outside
on a clear day. So wear a comfortable gray sweater with
a set of yellow beads or a yellow linen scarf. Or paint
a wall yellow, then add a floral arrangement that
includes pebbles at the bottom of a clear vase. Look for
a creative project—painting a landscape, decorating a
weathered piece of driftwood, dyeing an old white
shirt—that features these colors. These things can help
you feel safe and sunny.
Leatrice Eiseman has been executive director of the
Pantone Color Institute for 37 years and is the author
of 10 books about color.

46 REAL SIMPLE



48 REAL SIMPLE