A is for antagonist; T is for "Thank You"

Joanna Pena-Avila

10/02/2017 Language Arts

A is for antagonists; T is for “Thank You”

When I was 9 years old, I was sexually molested by my father’s brother. My name lost its owner that day.

My birth giver, the night I was molested took me to a party. I must have forgotten my party hat in the car while I
excitedly ran out the truck to tell my birth giver’s mother that I had just been molested. My birth giver’s mother
laughed in my face; my father’s brother didn’t get any type of punishment.

I went to trial at age 9 going on 10, going and staring at all these “professional” faces sit across from me giving me
the stink eye, trying to break me, as if I were lying. I didn’t want to be there; I wanted to go home because, no
matter what, no fully suited, stiff lawyer could have brought back that eight petal, purple, flower I recall drawing
that night. “J***** I admire the fact that at the age of 9 you are without a doubt, mature for your age. Never had I
had cases where it involved a kid, especially not one who acted the way you did. Congratulations, you won the
case.” I won the case. I should’ve been happy right?

I walked around in my room without a name, crying, for at least 4 years. My mind felt like I was on a train that
never stopped. Its big, rusty wheels just kept rolling, rolling, and rolling. There were no end to my thoughts.

Unlike other 10 year olds, I wasn’t seeking colorful unicorns. I was seeking for myself and maybe some support,
and love too, along the way. I didn’t grow up with any support nor love. I grew up alone, teaching myself what
things were and meant, from the streets.

19 and alive, I’ve overcome a plethora of obstacles, but I have struggled like a wounded soldier at war, looking for
shelter.

I could’ve sat in my room for the rest of my life, like I had already wasted for 4 years. However, along the way
God blessed me with 6 beautiful creatures, that I now call siblings. 12 glistening eyes that were now in my hands.
I’ve thought about letting the demons in my mind win this war that has been going on for 10 years now (you’d
think they’d be tired by now) and leave everyone to enjoy their lives without my presence, but what kind of sister

would I be, if I weren’t there to watch my siblings walk across that stage and receive their diplomas? (Like one day I
believe I will see myself doing.) My siblings have erased many of my tears and have taught me how to love them,
love in a simple way, like sitting beside them watching their glistening, brown eyes, and their long black eye lashes
sparkle in laughter, all because of the loopy loop and rabbit ears shoe lace thing.

Now, I don’t believe anyone deserved punishment for breaking me, I now believe in thanking those who made me
stronger by hurting me.

I decided to take myself back to school, a school that has taught me the importance of mental toughness and
when things aren’t working out, to push myself to my very last tire lug nut and internalize. Because of that, I’ve
thought about college (something that was NEVER in my radar.) Soon, I will enroll into an Automotive Technology
program because, one day, I want to be the lady whose make up choice is oil grease smeared across her chubby
cheeks, sitting in front of her own auto shop. I have come to realize that tightening a loose valve on a car is like the
loose events and emotions in my life, and in reality, all they need is a little tightening.

I wake up every day and although I am exhausted and wanting to just drop everything I’ve worked hard for, I
don’t because if I want to tighten that loose valve, I have to get up and pick up that wrench by myself. Baby step
after baby step, tear after tear, I will one day be where I want to be and in hopes of happiness, doing it. After all, I
am J***** and can no one tell me what’s right or wrong, no one can tell me how to grab that wrench (except my
future instructor) other than that I teach myself and I seek my own happiness in the darkest places.

I believe in thanking those antagonists for making me stronger by breaking me, that I petrified believe.