What to Expect When You are Expecting

[GWEN enters with a cup of coffee.]

GWEN:

Here you go, dad.

JACK:
[Taking cup. Checks it. Hands it back]

Cream and sugar?

[GWEN sighs, takes the cup and exits to kitchen.]

TATYANA:
Would you like to see pictures of my brother?

JACK:
No!

AMANDA:

Of course!

TATYANA:
[Showing a picture to AMANDA on her tablet.]
Here he is just before one of his performances.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 51

AMANDA:
Oh, I recognize that costume. He’s one of those Chippendale dancers, right?

TATYANA:
No! He’s a member of Pippendale’s! It’s totally different! [Pointing to the tablet] See! What he
does isn’t stripping! It’s art.

AMANDA:

Oh! Oh, dear. I see.

JACK:
Okay, I see Art… and Bob, and Mike, and - [JACK slides his finger across the screen to advance

the picture] Simon and Tom-

AMANDA:
Harry. Dick. [Beat] What’s that on his-

TATYANA:

It’s a tattoo is the Serbian flag!

AMANDA:

Jack! … Jack, my eyes are burning!

JACK:

Well, close them!

AMANDA:

I can’t!

[JACK shuts the tablet off]

AMANDA:

Thank you!

TATYANA:
[Insulted]

My brother is a famous artist in Serbia!

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 52

Oh, I’m sure! Not everyone can write their name with the light of a sparkler tied to their- [JACK
makes a hand motion.]

[There is a knock at the door.]

SAM:
[Moving to the door. Takes a dig at JACK.]
Come on, Jack, he’s going to be Gwen’s uncle! Maybe you two will even have your own little
artist on your hands in a few years… Once you and Tatyana get married…

[SAM opens the door and FRANK enters.]

FRANK:
Hi, Sam. I’m sorry about this, but I wondered if you’d have three plates we could use. I forgot
that I got rid of a lot when Leslie died.

SAM:
Sure. We’ll have to unpack them, but it shouldn’t be a problem. They’re in the kitchen.

[SAM exits to kitchen. FRANK waits.]

TATYANA:
Would you like to see pictures of my brothers?

FRANK:
[Looking at TATYANA’s tablet.]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 53

That’s a classic case of genital warts.

[There is a ‘thump’ and scream of pain from
GWEN, off-stage.]

Gwen? Are you all right? AMANDA:
[Pause.]

[GWEN enters, limping. SAM is helping her.]

GWEN:
There was water on the floor. I slipped and fell. [Beat.] I think I just had a contraction!

JACK:

Did you spill my coffee?

SAM:

I think it was her water that broke. It was pretty gross. It was wet everywhere. [To FRANK]
What do we do?

JACK:
It’s too early for her water to break. She’s not due for two weeks! That’s why I offered to come
now!

AMANDA:
Gwen and Maggie were both early, too, Jack. Remember?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 54

SAM:

But, she’s not due for two weeks! [Pantomiming putting the water back] Can we just put the
water back?

FRANK:

It doesn’t work that way, Sam. The baby must be ready. It happens. [HE checks the window]
Looks like we’re going to have the baby here…

SAM:
We’re having the baby here? Shouldn’t we do this in the hospital? I could call-

FRANK:

It’s all right. I’ve delivered babies before. Sam, could you grab blankets and a pillow. Tatyana,
I need some warm water.

SAM/TATYANA:

Yes./Of course.

[SAM and TAYANA exit.]

FRANK:

All right, Gwen, just relax.

GWEN:

Mom, could you get me some water?
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 55

AMANDA:

Sure.

JACK:
I’ll go along. Maybe I can find my coffee…

[JACK and AMANDA exit.]

FRANK:
Just get comfortable. Did you hurt yourself when you fell?

GWEN:
I don’t think so. [Beat.] Is the baby all right?

FRANK:

I’m sure everything is fine.

[SAM returns with a blankets and pillow]

SAM:

Here we go.

FRANK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 56

Lay it on the floor with some pillows to cushion Gwen, would you?

SAM:

Okay.

[SAM arranges the blankets and they move GWEN
onto the floor.]

GWEN:

Ohhh! That hurts! Am I all right?

FRANK:
You don’t seem to be injured… You’re having a contraction.

GWEN:

This is terrible!

FRANK:
Just relax. It will be all right. I promise. [Yelling to kitchen] Tatyana, I still need that water!

[JACK screams from the kitchen, followed by a
loud thump. AMANDA helps JACK enter.
TATYANA follows with a glass of water.]

AMANDA:

He slipped on the wet floor. He tried to take me down with him, but he missed. I think he hit his
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 57

head.

JACK:

And wrenched my back.

TATYANA:

I’ve never seen someone fall down with their feet above their head before! It was like being at
the circus!

FRANK:

Okay, help Jack into the chair.

AMANDA:

Okay.

FRANK:

Did he vomit or lose consciousness?

TATYANA:

He vomited! It was just as he was finishing bouncing… Honestly, you may not want to go into
the kitchen anytime soon… It’s kind of a mess.

FRANK:
Jack, you likely have a concussion. Just rest for a minute. Tatyana, where is the water?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 58

[TATYANA hands him the glass of water.]

TATYANA:

Here you go.

FRANK:
I’m going to need more than that. A lot more. Is there a kettle or a big pot you could use?

[GWEN grabs the water and drinks.]

TATYANA:

I’m kind of scared to go back in the kitchen! Every time somebody goes in there, they need
medical attention!

FRANK:

Please. It’s kind of important.

TATYANA:

I guess…

FRANK:
And some clean towels, if you can find some.

What color? TATYANA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 59

FRANK:

What?

TATYANA:

What color towels should I get?

FRANK:

It doesn’t matter.

TATYANA:
Of course it matters. What if they stain?

FRANK:

I’ll buy some new ones. Just get a bunch of water and some towels…. Please? Hurry. [To
JACK] How does your head feel?

JACK:

Me? It hurts.

FRANK:
[To AMANDA]
Could you take Jack into my apartment down the hall? The door is ajar. Have him lie down on
bed until I can check on him. Don’t let him sleep, though. There’s an ice-pack in the freezer for
his head.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 60

[AMANDA helps JACK to his feet, and they exit.]

GWEN:
Ohhh. Another contraction! That’s uncomfortable.

FRANK:
I didn’t get this much action as a medic in Viet Nam…

SAM:

Keep breathing!

GWEN:
[Through the contraction]
Of course I’m going to keep breathing, Sam! I’m not stupid!

SAM:

Sorry! Just trying to help.

FRANK:
Gwen, how long have you been having these pains?

GWEN:
It started this afternoon, remember? That’s why I let you and Sam move the boxes.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 61

SAM:
I thought you were just… [Gets a look from GWEN.] Never mind.

FRANK:
Sam, time the intervals of the contractions.

SAM:

Sure.

[FRANK examines GWEN.]

AMANDA:
[Entering]

How’s she doing, Doc?

FRANK:
She’s got some time. She’s not fully dilated, yet.

SAM:

How long?

FRANK:
Not very long. Since this is her first; maybe a few hours. [Calling to kitchen] Tatyana, I could
use that water!

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 62

GWEN:
Here comes another one! AAAARRRGH. This is your fault, Sam! Your fault!

FRANK:

[Exiting]

Let’s get you up and let you walk for a bit to help things along, shall we, Gwen? You’re going to
have a baby tonight… I’ll go check on Tatyana and that water. Stay with her, Sam.

AMANDA:

How’s the pain, dear?

GWEN:

Hurts.

AMANDA:

[Looking to ensure Frank is gone.
AMANDA opens her purse and takes

out a pill bottle. She pours a few
pills into Gwen’s hand.]

These will help.

GWEN: [Takes all of the pills and swallows
Thanks. We haven’t unpacked the ibuprofen yet. them with the remains of the water]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 63

AMANDA:

Oh, dear.

SAM:

What? What’s wrong?

AMANDA:
That wasn’t ibuprofen… Gwen just swallowed six Vicodin.

Did you get the fire out? [FADE TO BLACK]
It’s out. ACT II
Scene 1
[Two hours later. AMANDA enters from
the hallway with a fire extinguisher.
FRANK is sitting with TATYANA. GWEN
is laying on the couch.]

FRANK:

AMANDA:

FRANK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 64

I apologize for that! I forgot all about the roast when Gwen went into labor.

GWEN:
WOOOO! WOOOOO! WOOOO! WOOOO!

SAM:

Gwen, what are you doing?

GWEN:

I’m a fire-truck!

FRANK:
[Giving Amanda a look]
Six?

AMANDA:
[Shrugging]
Maybe seven… Certainly no more than eight!

FRANK:
[Sighing]

How’s the senator?

AMANDA:
He’s arrogant and annoy- Oh, his head? He’s okay. He’s watching the news with an ice pack
on his face.

SAM:

You mean his head.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 65

AMANDA:
No, he tried to take advantage of his injury and grab my bottom. I punched him in the eye. The
ice is on his face.

TATYANA:
It happens sometimes in the office. It’s a medical condition. He cannot feel where his hands are,
he told me.

AMANDA:
Tell him that if he does that again, he’s going to lose his hands! … Or anything else that touches
me!

SAM:

How long until the baby comes?

FRANK:
Soon. This is your first, so you’ll have a little time. Probably before morning.

SAM:
That’s bad. I haven’t finished the Lamaze classes yet! I’m only on the third lesson!

FRANK:

It’s all right. I’ve done this before.

GWEN:

It’s okay, Sam. I feel all tingly!

TATYANA:
[To GWEN]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 66

Jack says your cousin was in labor for three days. She had to be committed to an asylum
because of the pain.

AMANDA:
[Beat.]

I’m sure he was exaggerating, Gwen.

TATYANA:
In Serbia, it is not uncommon. We don’t have pain medicine like you soft Americans. My
mother broke her hip while giving birth to my brother.

SAM:

Is he older or younger than you?

TATYANA:

We are twins, but he is an hour older.

GWEN:
Your mother gave birth to you with a broken hip? Were you a C-section?

TATYANA:
No. I understand it was quite painful. But, she was back caring for the goats the next morning…

SAM:
We don’t have anything to worry about, right Frank?

FRANK:

It’s going to be fine. I promise.

TATYANA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 67

She was just thankful the birth wasn’t as painful or long as my older sister’s. She was eight kilos
at birth.

GWEN:

How much is that in pounds?

SAM:
That’s … seventeen and a half pounds! Frank!

FRANK:
This baby is early. It won’t be seventeen pounds. I’ve never even heard of a baby that big!

TATYANA:
She was very large. She is now a hockey player for Serbian national team.

GWEN:
I didn’t realize they had women’s hockey in Serbia?

TATYANA:
They don’t. [Beat. Then, explaining with her hands.] She is large.

SAM:
Can we please stop talking? I just want this birth over with.

TATYANA:
[Tapping on her tablet, handing it to SAM. GWEN stands to look.]
It’s no big deal. Here. This is the birth video of my sister.

SAM:
Thanks. That doesn’t look so ba- OH MY GOD!

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 68

TATYANA:
She was a breach birth. In some countries they use medicine. In Serbia, the walls are concrete
and can be sprayed down. I’ll find another video.

SAM:
[To FRANK]

Can we stop it?

FRANK:
Nom we can’t stop it. Everything will be just fine. [Beat.] Tatyana, could you please put that

away?

TATYANA:

I’m trying to help.

SAM:

[Frantically running around the apartment]
I should get some more water… And towels! Lots of towels! We’ll need a tarp and … a garden

hose!

TATYANA:
Club soda can get blood out of fabric.

SAM:

OH MY GOD!

TATYANA:
I would get at least a case of club soda.

FRANK:
Tatyana, you need to stop helping, now. [Beat.] Sam, why don’t you just sit down for a

moment?

GWEN:
I’d like a tortilla, please, Sam! Tor-teeya! TorTEEYA. That’s fun to say!

SAM:
No! Gwen should sit down! She needs to sit down. [Beat. Then, to GWEN] Do we own a wet-
vac?

GWEN:
We should just let the baby come naturally, don’t you think?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 69

FRANK:

Sam! Sam! It’s all right!

SAM:
How can you say that? Did you not see the video? It’s horrible! It’s like in that movie The

Thing, when that creature bursts through his chest!

AMANDA:

Stop it, Sam. I’m nervous enough!

FRANK:

Don’t worry! It’s not breach.

SAM:
[Pointing to the tablet.]
It looks like a scene from Dexter!

AMANDA:
Sam, stop it and sit down or I swear I will kill you right here.

[GWEN groans as a contraction hits.]

SAM:

[Sitting, covering his head and rocking back and forth.]
It’s starting! It’s starting!

GWEN:
Mom! Make him stop! He’s making me dizzy.

AMANDA:
All right, Sam… Why don’t we get you into the bedroom and you can rest a little.

SAM:

But, Gwen needs me!

FRANK:
It won’t happen for a little bit, Sam. I’ll make sure to get you before the action happens. A little

rest would be good for you.

SAM:
A little rest… Okay. Good idea. I’m feeling a little light-headed now that you mention it. I’ll
just rest for a few minutes…

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 70

That’s a good idea.

[SAM exits to bedroom.]

FRANK:
I need to go check on Jack. You should be fine for a couple minutes, Gwen. I’ll be right back.

TATYANA:

I will go, too.

[FRANK and TATYANA exit.]

GWEN:

You did this twice?

AMANDA:
I was younger then… Besides, you forget the pain after a couple years.

GWEN:

I need to use the bathroom.

AMANDA:
[Helping her walk.]

That’s natural.

[JACK enters. JACK is holding an ice pack to his
head.]

AMANDA:

Shouldn’t you be resting?

JACK:
I’m fine. Where are you going? Is everything all right?

AMANDA:
Everything is fine. She just needs to go to the bathroom.

JACK:
Where’s Sam? Shouldn’t he be helping?

GWEN:

Dad, I can go to the bathroom by myself. [Beat. Then, in a loud whisper] Shhhh! I did a little
already. Don’t sit on the couch!

[GWEN exits. JACK goes to window.]
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 71

AMANDA:

How does it look out there?

JACK:
Still the same. The plows are out, so hopefully the roads will be cleared soon.

AMANDA:
Enough to get Gwen to the hospital, at least.

JACK:

Frank said she’s doing all right. I’d feel better if she were in the hospital, though. This isn’t the
nineteenth century. Babies should be born in a hospital!

AMANDA:
And then we’ll be grandparents! How’s your head?

JACK:
Hurts, but I’ll survive. Thanks for asking, Grandma.

AMANDA:

You’re welcome… Grandpa.

JACK:

Don’t call me that! It makes me feel old.

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 72

But you just- [Shakes her head] All right. Sorry.

JACK:
Are you all right? Normally, you’d be biting my head off for saying something like that…

AMANDA:
I’m fine; just tired… I don’t have the energy to be spiteful at the moment.

JACK:
That explains it, then. [Pause.] I thought she’d have had the baby by now…

AMANDA:

She’s dilating… It won’t be long.

JACK:
It doesn’t seem that long ago that we had Gwen…

AMANDA:

No, it doesn’t.

JACK:
Must’ve happened on the honeymoon, wouldn’t you say?

AMANDA:

The math works out that way.

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 73

You were a beautiful bride, Amanda.

AMANDA:

Thanks, but young and foolish is probably more accurate. [Pause.] Those first few years were
good ones…

JACK:
Yeah, we had a lot of good times back then, didn’t we? [Pause.] Why did we ever get divorced?

AMANDA:

Several reasons, as I recall: Anita, Claire, Susan… Wasn’t there a Betty in there, somewhere?
And Rebecca, and-

JACK:
Okay, okay. I remember, now. But, you’re the only one that I loved.

AMANDA:
[Beat]

Then why did you cheat?

JACK:

You know I was never very smart, right? [Beat. They laugh. JACK becomes serious.] I think
about that a lot. I really do. Did you ever think of giving it another shot?

AMANDA:

Giving what another shot?

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 74

Our marriage. Us.

AMANDA:

Boy, you really hit your head hard! [Pause.] Jack, you are stubborn and headstrong, and self-
possessed and self-absorbed. There were many times you weren’t there when I needed you,
when we needed you. And you cheated on me … more than once…

JACK:

I can’t change what happened. But, I’m a different man, now. So, what do you say? One more
chance?

AMANDA:

Please believe me when I say… there is no way in hell I’m ever getting back together with you.
Like I said, I was young and foolish when we got married. I’m not that girl anymore. I’ve built
up some self-respect and some self-worth. And, honestly, I can do better than you. You should
stick to girls like Tatyana; they don’t know any better. They’re almost as impressed with you as
you are…

JACK:

A simple ‘no’ would have sufficed.

AMANDA:
[Beat.]

No.

JACK:

Was that so hard?

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 75

So, what brought this up all of a sudden?

JACK:

I’m not getting any younger, Amanda.

AMANDA:

None of us are.

JACK:

You were right. Every time I get a new girlfriend, she has to be just a little bit dumber than the
one before. If Tatyana leaves me, I think I’m out of luck! How am I going to find someone less
intelligent than her?

AMANDA:
You could always date another politician… Or a pillow!

JACK:

Amanda, please! I’m trying to be open and honest with you. It’s hard enough without your
sarcasm.

AMANDA:

It’s probably so hard because you haven’t had any practice at being open and honest… [Pause.]
Oh, I see what you mean about sarcasm, now. Sorry. Go on.

JACK:

I’m going to die alone. I lost you. Gwen is married and will be a mother soon… And Maggie,
well, I feel like I barely know her. No siblings, no extended family, no friends…

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 76

What about that lawyer you have lunch with all the time?

JACK:
He’s a lobbyist. Once I’m out of office, he’ll forget about me.

AMANDA:

Why waste your time with him, then?

JACK:

He always buys lunch.

AMANDA:

Jack, I’ve met someone. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months now, and I really like
him. He treats me… well, like you used to treat me when we first got married.

JACK:

You deserve someone like that.

AMANDA:

Jack, you need to learn to live with yourself and who you are, before you can survive with
someone else. If you can’t live with yourself, you can’t survive in a relationship. You taught me
that.

JACK:

I did?

AMANDA:
Yes! By being a cheating slug for so many years you forced me to face who I was and what I

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 77

wanted out of life.

[GWEN enters, swaying slightly. The
medication is kicking in.]

GWEN:

Mom, can you help me for a minute? The toilet keeps moving. [Whispering loudly] I peed in the
sink and I can’t find my underwear!

AMANDA:

Of course I’ll help.

[SAM enters from bedroom.]

GWEN:

[Whispering, again]
Shhhh! Don’t tell Sam about his toothbrush! [Beat.] It fell in!

SAM:
What’s going on? Is everything all right?

AMANDA:
What is it about men that they worry so much when it isn’t time, but they’re never around when
it’s time to worry?

[GWEN and AMANDA exit.]

SAM:

I was just trying to be helpful…

JACK:
It isn’t your fault, Sam. I guess I should warn you that Gwen will be saying some cruel things

about you soon. It happens when the pain is bad.

SAM:
She’s already started. We both wanted this baby!

JACK:
Oh, I know. It doesn’t matter. Just let her vent; it isn’t personal. She’ll be back to normal in a

few days.

What else do I need to know? SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 78

JACK:
Well, sometimes a woman’s milk doesn’t come in for a few days. They’ll feel worried about it,
and will start to think they’re horrible mothers…

SAM:
A few days? I could get milk on Amazon in two…

JACK:
I wouldn’t mention that if I were you. And be helpful, but try not to act like you’re being

helpful. They like to feel like they could do it all by themselves.

SAM:
You know more about this than I thought…

JACK:
Don’t believe everything you hear about me. I’m not a bad guy.

SAM:

Of course not…

JACK:

But, you don’t like me much, do you?

SAM:

Well, I… What makes you think that?

JACK:
I’m a politician, Sam. We can sense these things.

SAM:
I guess I just don’t agree with your politics. The things you say. The things you do… Your
relationship with Tatyana. How you’ve treated me over the years. How you’ve treated Gwen
and Amanda…

JACK:
[Holding up his hand for Sam to stop.]
I’ll be honest… That was more of a list than I thought it would be.

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 79

Sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.

JACK:

I admit, I don’t always treat people the way I should. But, what about my politics don’t you
approve of?

SAM:

How about last year when you accused Congressman Simpson of hiring a male prostitute…. His
wife divorced him because of that. Then, a few months later, you admitted that you were wrong,
and the witness lied…

JACK:
That was unfortunate… But, that’s the Matador Effect. It can be brutal, but it’s effective.

SAM:

I’ve never heard of the Matador Effect?

JACK:

That’s when a politician creates a huge news story to divert public attention from something else
they’re doing. In this case, I had to keep my meetings with a Super PAC about some funds for
the upcoming election out of the spotlight… This particular group stands against the NRA and
open-carry laws for handguns… Simpson losing his wife was unforeseen and I did apologize
publicly…

SAM:

You ruined a man’s life!

JACK:

Have you ever met Simpson’s ex-wife? Believe me, I did him a favor. I set him up with a
cousin of Tatyana’s, and he’s never been happier.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 80

SAM:

You ruined a marriage, so that you could get re-elected! That’s criminal! You’re out of control!
Let me see your hands.

JACK:

Why?

SAM:
Do you know the difference between bums and hobos, Jack?

JACK:

They’re the same thing, aren’t they?

SAM:

No. You’d be insulting a hobo if you called him a bum… When riding the rails was a thing,
right around the time of the Great Depression, hobos and bums would jump trains and travel.
The difference is that hobos would travel to find work; hard work. Bums would just go from
town to town begging or stealing. If police stopped a train, they would ask to see the men’s
hands. If they were calloused and rough, they’d be allowed back on the train and ignored,
because they were hobos… The men with smooth hands were arrested. They were just bums.
[Beat.] I’m betting your hands are pretty smooth, Jack. You’ve been skating by on lies and
hiding your ignorance behind your silly little quotes for years, letting everyone else carry the
weight and doing the work of keeping America safe and strong.

JACK:

They’re pithy little quotes, Sam.

What? SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 81

JACK:
The Washington Post calls my quotes ‘pithy’; not ‘silly’.

SAM:
You are so smug! Let me see your hands, Jack.

JACK:

How dare you! Do you think I just vote on bills without doing any research on what they are and
how they could affect real people, Sam? Do you? Let me tell you this, you condescending,
little, liberal hypocrite: Don’t ever think that I don’t take this job seriously, or that I don’t make it
a priority to do the best damn job I can! You’re right, I’m not the smartest man on the planet.
But, I work with some of the finest minds in the country on things like taxation, trade, human
rights, business law, international relations, deficit spending, and a thousand other topics that you
couldn’t define, much less give an opinion! No one can be an expert on all the things I’m
supposed to vote on.

SAM:

Well, I-

JACK:

I have a staff that researches the effects of drilling on the Alaskan wilderness. How many cars

travel Interstate 90? How many billions of dollars does it cost to invigorate the economy of this

third world country, how much for that one? How many troops, how many planes, how many
tanks it would take to defend our allies in the Middle East, South America, Europe… Don’t
think you understand me because I don’t vote the way you would. You don’t understand me,
because you don’t know enough! I’m no intellectual giant, I admit it. I’m just a guy with a little
charm and enough smarts to listen to people that know what they’re talking about. You don’t
like that I voted to drill in the arctic, right? You’re afraid we’ll disrupt the natural habitat of the
arctic tern, or some other nonsense? Maybe you’re right! But no one will give a damn about the

arctic tern if we run short on oil, and China or Russia, or some radical Muslim group uses that
fact to inflict harm on America knowing we don’t have the resources to respond to their

aggression!

Well, I- SAM:

JACK:
[Earnestly]
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 82

We lost thousands of Americans on 9/11, Sam. I can’t let that happen again.

SAM:

[Pause.]
You’re right, Jack. I’m sorry. I’m nervous about the baby and I’m lashing out at you. [Beat.] I
just don’t know if I’m ready for all this.

JACK:

All of what?

SAM:

The baby. Being a father. I mean, I thought I was ready… Then you go through these birthing
classes … You see what the birth will be like! And, when it’s all over you have this crying, little
creature, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with it!

JACK:

You’re scared.

SAM:

Hello, Pot. It’s me, Kettle!

JACK:

What’s that supposed to mean?

SAM:

You’re scared, too! You can go on about how you’re doing what’s best for the country and for
the people, but what it comes down to is that you’re afraid of being alone with yourself. [Beat.]
You dislike yourself far more than I dislike you.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 83

JACK:
I thought you were a music major… Where’d you get all this psychobabble?

SAM:

The lady that cuts my hair watches Doctor Phil. It sounds even better with a Texas drawl. [As
Doctor Phil.] You’re just scared!

JACK:

You’re afraid of me. You’re afraid of Amanda. You’re even afraid of Gwen! And, you sit here
trying to tell me who I am…

SAM:

I’m not afraid of your Gwen! [Beat] Well, not much. I’m mostly worried about being a good
dad. You know my dad was killed in Iraq, right?

JACK:

Yes…

SAM:
Well, I was only four when he left... I don’t know what being a dad is supposed to look like!

JACK:
Well, don’t use me as an example, all right?

SAM:

I’m not stupid!

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 84

What is that supposed to mean?

SAM:

But you just said- … Never mind. I’m sorry I brought it up. [Beat.] How do I protect a baby? A
toddler? A teenager?

JACK:
Your job as a dad is to keep her from getting hit by a bus, not to keep her from scraping her knee.

SAM:
Well, maybe I don't want my child hurt at all!

JACK:
Sam, listen. You are there to prevent her from making huge mistakes, not to keep her from
making any mistakes. Don't do that to her. Scraping a knee on occasion is part of growing up.
It's how she learns to be responsible for her actions so she doesn't make those big mistakes later
on.

[Pause. Then, GWEN enters, flopping her arms.]

GWEN:

Sam! Sam! Thank goodness I found you! Look! I don’t have any bones in my arms! I lost
them!

SAM:

Are you all right?

GWEN:

I am, now. I was a little sick in the bathroom. [Beat.] Just around the toilet. And the bathtub.
Then, I was going to throw up, so I opened the window.

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 85

There’s no window in the bathroom.

GWEN:
[Sadly, shaking her head.]
No. But there’s a medicine cabinet. Mom’s cleaning it up, now.

SAM:
Honey, why don’t you rest for a bit? You’ll need your strength.

GWEN:
[Lets out a whoop.]
I’m not tired! Let’s get this party started! I feel good!

SAM:

Gwen, let’s get you to bed for a bit.

GWEN:

[Dancing and singing]

Well, aren’t you just the little fuddy-duddy… Do you know what I wanna do? Do you? I wanna
sing! I wanna dance! [Beat.] I wanna throw up again… Be right back.

[GWEN exits.]

SAM:

Is she going to be alright?

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 86

Of course. Maybe I’ll just go grab Frank.

SAM:

Thanks.

[JACK exits. SAM goes to check on
GWEN, but meets AMANDA entering from
bathroom.]

AMANDA:

She’s going to be fine. But, you might not want to go in there right now. It looks like that scene
from The Exorcist.

SAM:

Maybe I can help.

AMANDA:

You can’t help. It’s something a woman does when she’s having a baby. We need to get all the
extras out of the system.

[AMANDA leads SAM to the couch.]

SAM:
Sounds like a horrible way to go about things.

AMANDA:

It’s worth it. [Pause.] Where’s Jack?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 87

SAM:

He went to get Frank.

AMANDA:

Well, he’s not completely useless, then. I hope Frank got some rest, we’re getting close to “go”
time.

SAM:

Now?

AMANDA:

Yes. [Beat.] Maybe I should check on them… Jack can get distracted, sometimes… Sam, if
something happens while I’m gone, let me know.

SAM:
Of course. If anything comes up, you’ll hear my screams just like everyone else…

AMANDA:
It’ll work out fine, Sam. Don’t worry. Women do this all the time.

SAM:
I’m going to worry anyway… This is the first time for my woman.

AMANDA:
That’s sweet. No wonder Gwen adores you.

Amanda… How do you do it? SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 88

AMANDA:

Do what?

SAM:
Stay so upbeat even when the sky is falling...

AMANDA:

I take medicine.

SAM:

Oh, I'm sorry-

AMANDA:
I'm kidding. [Beat.] Have you ever heard the phrase "Into every life a little rain must fall"?

SAM:

Sure.

AMANDA:
If that's true, then you have to ask yourself: When there's rain, do I look for the storm-clouds, or
do I look for the rainbow?

SAM:
[Pause]

But, there isn't always a rainbow...

AMANDA:
That's right. But sometimes while you're looking for the rainbow, the sun comes back out...

[Before AMANDA can exit, FRANK,
JACK, and TATYANA enter.]

Where is she? FRANK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 89

Bathroom. SAM:

[FRANK exits to bathroom as TATYANA’s
cell phone rings. SHE takes the tablet from
her purse as she answers the phone, leaving
the tablet out.]

JACK:
[Pause. Interrupting TATYANA]

Who is it?

TATYANA:

[Covering the mouthpiece of the cell phone.]
It’s the reporter from the Chronicle. She says she has photos of you entering the apartment of a
known gay activist. Do you have any response?

JACK:

Give me that! [Into cell phone] Rhonda? This is Jack. … How did you even get here through
the blizzard? … If you want to print them, go ahead, I don’t care. … I have no comment. …
Why? Because the apartment is the home of one of the finest gay men – No! Make that one of
the finest men I know. He is a widower and a doctor, and I am proud to call him a friend. Print
that, you ambulance-chasing, gutter snipe!

[JACK hands the phone back to TATYANA.
As FRANK and AMANDA enter from the
bathroom, FRANK knocks the tablet over.
AMANDA picks the tablet up, ready to hand
it to TATYANA, but instead she finds photos
on the tablet and begins to look through
them.]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 90

AMANDA:
These pictures, Jack… They’re of you and someone in a cat-mask…

JACK:
I’m single, Amanda. It’s legal. [Beat.] It’s Tatyana…

AMANDA:

Is Tatyana some sort of gymnast?

JACK:
She’s just adventurous. Honestly, I just try to keep up!

AMANDA:
These pictures can’t become public, Jack! You’re up for reelection this year!

JACK:

That’s small tomatoes, Amanda. I’m going to run for the republican ticket for president next
term.

SAM:

Let me see those.

[AMANDA passes SAM the tablet, GWEN finds
herself looking at the photos as they pass.]

Ahhh! I’m going blind! GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 91

JACK:

It’s not a flattering angle…

GWEN:

My eyes are burning!

JACK:
I could stand to lose a few pounds, but it’s not that bad.

FRANK:
Senator, this is blackmail material. Why does Tatyana have this?

JACK:

I … I have no idea.

SAM:

She‘s a spy!

JACK:

There are no spies from Serbia. What would be the point? Besides, I’m not stupid, Sam. I am
sure I would know if she were a spy! Spies are smart and crafty.

TATYANA:

How would you know?

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 92

Don’t get distressed, dear. Sam was just making a joke.

TATYANA:
Don’t pat my head! Do you think I’m some puppy?

JACK:

No, of course not. Listen, Sweetie, why don’t you just calm down? I know you couldn’t be a
spy…

TATYANA:
Because you think I’m too stupid. Is that it?

JACK:

Well, no. I would never put it that way!

TATYANA:

You imbecile! Of course I’m a spy! I’ve spent two and a half years serving under this arrogant
windbag trying to intercept state secrets! And for what? Do you know the sum total of my
intelligence gathering? Two things: “Put your poop in a pile” and “It looks like a giant plate of
suck”! What is wrong with Americans?!

JACK:

Syria uses goat-hoarders as spies?

TATYANA:
It’s Serbia, Jackass! And of course not! My father is an architect and my mother is a surgeon!
And you wonder why the world hates Americans! You know nothing! I would shoot you, but I
can only imagine they would find someone more capable to fill your office! The best thing I can
do to ruin America is to leave you alive!

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 93

[TATYANA grabs the tablet and storms out.]

JACK:

What do you think she meant by that?

AMANDA:
You know that run for president you talked about?

JACK:

Yeah.

AMANDA:
You’ll be lucky to keep your senate seat.

FRANK:

I don’t want to ruin the mood or anything, but Gwen is fully dilated. It’s time to get her to the
hospital.

AMANDA:

But, the roads…

FRANK:

The fire department had the streets plowed to get through to the fire alarm. I called an
ambulance and asked them to follow. They’ll be here in a few minutes. Help me get her
downstairs.

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 94

Jack, you can call the FBI from the ambulance. You definitely don’t want Tatyana getting out of
the country. I’ll grab Gwen’s bag.

[AMANDA exits.]

JACK:

I’ll grab the coats!

GWEN:

I’ll get Gwen. [Pause.] Where is she?

SAM:
Frank, would it be okay, if we have a girl, to name her Leslie?

FRANK:

Really?

SAM:

Yeah.

FRANK:

I’d like that, Sam. Thank you.

SAM:
He must have been someone special, Frank. Just like you.

[AMANDA returns. Ambulance lights play off of
the wall.]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 95

It’s here; let’s go! AMANDA:
But, I can’t find Gwen anywhere! GWEN:
[ALL exit.]
[Blackout.]

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 96