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Published by Scott Wallace, 2019-12-02 20:21:20

What to Expect When You are Expecting

What to Expect When You are Expecting

WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN YOU’RE EXPECTING
YOUR IN-LAWS

By Brian Mitchell

Brian Mitchell
1829 Hobart Street
Grinnell, Ia. 50112
[email protected]

641-236-4996

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 1

Characters
(3M, 3F)
GWEN (F/25-30) - A pregnant realtor.
SAM (M/25-30) - GWEN’s husband; a viola player for the Chicago Symphony.
FRANK (M/70s) – The neighbor; a retired doctor.
AMANDA (F/45-65) – GWEN’s mother. Divorced.
JACK (M/45-65) – GWEN’s father. Divorced. U.S. Senator from Wisconsin.
TATYANA (F/20-40) – JACK’s “assistant” and fiancée. Serbian

Setting
The play takes place in the new apartment of Gwen and Sam in downtown Chicago.

Act I, Moving day! Late January, a Friday afternoon.
Act II, Later that evening.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 2

ACT I

[A fourth-floor apartment in Chicago. SAM and
FRANK struggle to move a sofa as GWEN, very
pregnant, supervises. GWEN wears a bright-red top
or dress. Large boxes are stacked against the wall,
each marked with some descriptor: ‘Kitchen’,
‘Office’, ‘Clothes’, ‘Baby’s Room’, etc…]

GWEN:
I’m just not sure. Do we want it here in the middle or over by the window?

SAM:
Well, dear, you’ve seen it both ways… several times.

FRANK:
[Pause.]

I like it here in the middle.

[FRANK drops his end of the couch. SAM puts his
end down carefully. SAM sits on the sofa.]

SAM:

Good enough.

GWEN:
Sam, our child will be playing in this room soon. Is ‘good enough’ really good enough?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 3

SAM:

Gwen, Frank and I carried this beast up three flights of stairs because the elevator doesn’t work.
Then, we had to take it apart to get around that corner in the hallway, reassemble the thing, and
now you’ve had Frank and me toting this couch around the room for twenty minutes. If you
decide… decide … where you want it, we can move it. Once. To where you want it.

GWEN:

The couch is the centerpiece of the living room! The living room is the centerpiece of the home!
If you make a mistake with the couch, the whole apartment is all out of whack!

FRANK:

Speaking of which, I think my back is all out of whack. I should be getting back to my own
apartment… I have some things to get done this afternoon… Take some Advil …. Call the
chiropractor… Maybe cry a little…

SAM:
[Laughs]
Thanks for your help, Frank. I couldn’t have done it without you.

FRANK:

Glad to help. Welcome to the building!

GWEN:
Thanks, it’s so much bigger than our old apartment.

SAM:

Not as big as my place in Denver, though. [To FRANK] We moved to Chicago after we got
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 4

married. I’m a musician.

FRANK:

In a band?

SAM:
No, the Chicago Symphony. I play the viola.

FRANK:

That’s a beautiful instrument.

GWEN:
Thanks, again, Frank. We’ll have you and your wife over for dinner sometime!

FRANK:

I’m … I’m widowed.

GWEN:

Oh. I’m so sorry!

FRANK:
No worries. It’s been five years… Two months. Eleven days.

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 5

Gwen, are you crying?

GWEN:
I’m sorry; I’m just emotional, lately. It’s the pregnancy.

FRANK:
That’s perfectly normal. Is it a boy or a girl?

GWEN:
We don’t know. We want to be surprised.

FRANK:

When are you due?

GWEN:

Two weeks. I can’t wait to get this kid out of me! I can’t sleep, my back aches, and I have to
pee every ten minutes!

FRANK:

Me, too! Maybe I’m not old…just pregnant… [Beat. Then, to Sam] Well, if you need anything,
I’m only two doors down on the left.

SAM:

Thanks again.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 6

[FRANK exits.]

GWEN:

He’s a sweetheart.

SAM:
[Putting his arm around her]
I don’t know... I didn’t like the way he was looking at you.

GWEN:

Are you kidding? I have the figure of the Michelin Man. Besides, I think he’s gay. [Beat.] I
didn’t like the way he was looking at you!

SAM:

Funny. [Pause. Gwen is waiting for his response. He relents.] You don’t have the figure of the
Michelin Man.

GWEN:

Thank you.

SAM:

You had his figure last month. [Beat.] Don’t worry, Gwen, we’ve only been married two years;
I’m not ready to go off chasing older men, no matter how much you look like the Kool-Aid Man.

GWEN:

That’s comforting. So, what’s left?
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 7

SAM:
We’re all moved in, I think. We just need to unpack, hang pictures and finish the baby’s room.

GWEN:
Dad will be here tomorrow night to help, weather permitting…

SAM:
When he said he’d help with moving, I thought maybe he’d be here for the ‘moving’ part…

GWEN:
I’m sure he tried, Sam. He had to speak on the floor of the Senate this morning. He’s pushing to
allow new drilling in Alaska.

SAM:
God forbid the oil companies have to wait to despoil the environment… So, is it just him
coming, or will he bring the whole entourage?

GWEN:
He’s a senator, Sam. They don’t get days off.

SAM:
[Looking out the window.]
Right. [Pause.] It’s really starting to come down out there. How much snow are we supposed to
get?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 8

GWEN:
Thirty to thirty-five inches. They’re calling it “Snowmageddon”.

SAM:
It would sure be a shame if your dad couldn’t make it.

GWEN:
He’s not that bad, Sam. He just needs to get used to you.

SAM:

We’ve been together for seven years, Gwen, any idea how much longer until he “gets used to
me”?

GWEN:
Seven more, probably. It might have been quicker if you would have been willing to vote for
him in the last election...

SAM:
I’ve never lived in Wisconsin. I couldn’t have voted for him even if I’d wanted to!

GWEN:
And that’s what you answer when he asks! You don’t give a twenty minute speech on the rights

of indigenous peoples and the evils of corporate America. You do not call him a fascist. You do
not suggest that a lot of his problems involve his mother not breast-feeding him. “Sorry, Jack, I
don’t live in Wisconsin”. Is that so hard?

SAM:
Okay, I only said that about the breast-feeding because I was kind of on a roll at that point…

GWEN:

He’s your father-in-law, Sam!

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 9

SAM:

I married you, not him.

GWEN:

Admit it. You don’t like him.

SAM:

It’s not that I don’t like him. It’s just that he’s so… He treats me like I don’t know how to do
anything.

GWEN:

He probably got that idea when you flooded the bathroom last year while fixing the sink.
[Pause.] And by ‘fixing the sink’, I mean trying to hold the water in the pipe until I could get a
plumber there.

SAM:

Oh, very funny. My dad died when I was four. I didn’t learn home maintenance. [Beat.] I only
had the first two lessons: The hammer and duct tape. That’s it! How was I supposed to know to
turn off the water line, first?

GWEN:

And when you nearly electrocuted yourself putting in the ceiling fan… Or, when you got stuck
on the roof when you knocked the ladder over…

SAM:
Okay, okay, I didn’t say he didn’t have a reason to think I couldn’t do anything. I just wish he
didn’t feel the need to remind me of it all the time.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 10

GWEN:

He doesn’t remind you. He helps you.

SAM:

But, he helps with such joy!

GWEN:
I’ll tell him to be grumpier when he helps you. Satisfied?

SAM:

At least we’re having a baby, now. For the first year and a half of our marriage he kept…
looking at me like I didn’t know what I was doing there, either!

GWEN:
[Rubbing baby bump]
Well, he certainly can’t think that anymore.

[GWEN’s cell phone rings.]

SAM:

He’ll probably make me take a paternity test… Better answer that. It might be your dad backing
out.

GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 11

Sam!

SAM:
Backing out because of the weather! Not because he hates me.

GWEN:

He doesn’t hate you. [Answering phone.] Hello? ... Oh, hi Dad. [SAM, behind GWEN, silently
puts his hands together as if praying for deliverance. GWEN looks around the room as she
speaks.] Yeah, we’re pretty much all moved in. … Sure, sure. Of course I understand. [Sam
does a happy-dance.] When? … Okay, not a problem. … Love you, too.

[GWEN hangs up and replaces her phone.]

SAM:

Well, that’s … that’s too bad. I guess he can come this spring, sometime… Or summer. I know
he’s busy… Fall is wide open…

GWEN:

[Looking out the window]

He tried to avoid the weather and caught an earlier flight. He’s on the way from the airport.
Hopefully, he makes it…

SAM:

On his way here?

GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 12

Yes. He’s going to have to stay with us. He didn’t have a hotel booked until tomorrow night,
and with the weather like it is, he couldn’t find anywhere for tonight.

SAM:

He’s staying here? Can’t he stay at some government building or with the governor or
something?

GWEN:
The governor lives in Springfield. The hotels are full. He’s staying with us.

SAM:
Don’t you think he’d be more comfortable somewhere else? Where will he sleep?

GWEN:

He can sleep in the baby’s room. There’s no bed, but he can grab the couch cushions or
something. He’ll be fine.

SAM:

What about his assistant?

GWEN:

We’ll find somewhere. It’s all right.

[The doorbell rings.]

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 13

That’s probably him. [Pause.] Okay, I’m ready.

GWEN:

It’s not a firing squad, Sam.

SAM:
You’re right. [Sotto voce] A firing squad would be quicker… Probably less painful…

[GWEN opens the door to reveal AMANDA, who
enters as she drops her suitcase and sheds her coat
and gloves.]

AMANDA:

Hello, dear.

GWEN:

Mom!

SAM:

Amanda!

GWEN:

What are you doing here?

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 14

I thought you were expecting me.

GWEN:
Yes! In two weeks. After the baby is born.

AMANDA:

You didn’t think I’d abandon you while you were expecting, did you? I’m here to help get things
ready for the baby. Absolutely horrid out there, by the way. How can you stand it?

GWEN:

It’s winter…

AMANDA:

Not the weather. The city! Dirty, crowded place. You should think about moving back out to
Colorado. You could sell homes, and Sam could join the band, there.

SAM:

Symphony.

AMANDA:
Right. Symphony. [Beat.] There are a lot of real jobs available out there, too.

GWEN:
I wish I would have known you were coming early, Mom…

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 15

AMANDA:

What’s the matter?

SAM:
[Beat. SAM and GWEN exchange a look.]

Jack is on his way.

AMANDA:
I see… [Pause.] Well, I lived with him for eighteen years; I can survive a few hours more.

GWEN:

He’s staying here for the weekend.

AMANDA:

Do you have room for both of us?

SAM:

Not really-

GWEN:
Of course we do! But, I know you and dad don’t get along so well any more…

AMANDA:
If Jack can live with it, I can certainly live with it… I’m not the inflexible one.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 16

GWEN:

Okay.

AMANDA:

I only moved to Denver to be closer to my parents. I’m not the one that needed “time away”
from the marriage.

GWEN:

Great, well we can-

AMANDA:
I’m not bitter. I have no ill will towards your father at all!

SAM:

We can see that.

AMANDA:
I have my own life, now. I belong to a gym! Hate him? He isn't worth the effort of hating!

SAM:
We never said ‘hate’. [To Gwen] Who said ‘hate’?

AMANDA:
If he were worth hating, I would have hated him after he cheated on me the first time. Or the

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 17

second. Or the fifth…

GWEN:

Mom…

AMANDA:
Hm? Oh. Yes. Well. Where will I be sleeping?

GWEN:

You can sleep in our bed.

SAM:

But, you’re pregnant!

GWEN:
I’ll sleep on the couch. I usually end up there, anyway.

SAM:

All right. [Beat.] Where will I sleep?

GWEN:

You can sleep in the baby’s room.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 18

SAM:

I thought your dad was sleeping in there.

GWEN:
We have plenty of floor for both of you. It’s only for a few days.

SAM:

Gwen, there are thousands of hotel rooms in Chicago… There’s a really nice Motel Six right
down the road that probably has rooms available. It's near the commercial district, but-

AMANDA:

A Motel Six? Are you serious? People disappear from those places! [To Gwen] I saw it on
Fox News, so you know it’s true!

GWEN:
You are not sending my parents to a hotel!

SAM:
There’s a YMCA that’s only about a mile away?

GWEN

Sam, my parents are being kind enough to come and help us get the apartment ready for the
baby, and you will not send them out into a blizzard to the Bates Motel on Axe-Murder
Boulevard to fend for themselves!

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 19

Axe-Murder Boulevard? You’re being a little melodramatic, don't you think?

GWEN:
We can't send them away just because they make you feel uncomfortable.

SAM:

That’s not-

AMANDA:

I make you feel uncomfortable?

SAM:

[To GWEN]

It’s not that I don’t want them here. I just thought they’d be happier if they could have their own
space, someplace… else.

GWEN:

They are staying here. That’s final!

SAM:
Yeah, I picked up on that. [Beat.] Did your dad say when he was going to get here?

Soon. GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 20

AMANDA:

I make you uncomfortable, Sam?

SAM:

No. Of course not.

AMANDA:
It was Jack, wasn’t it? Walking around in his underwear like that?

SAM:
Well, okay, yeah, that… And, you know, you walking around in your underwear like that…

AMANDA:

But mostly Jack, right? I mean, he looks like a hairy, little Sumo wrestler in those tighty-whities,
doesn’t he? He looks like something Jack Hanna would be carrying around, am I right?

SAM:

[Pause.]

Uhm... Well, the sheets on the bed are new, so they don’t have to be washed. I’ll just move my
stuff into the baby’s room.

[The doorbell rings]

That’s dad! GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 21

[As GWEN opens the door, SAM does a sarcastic
happy dance. JACK enters with a suitcase and a
wrapped gift. GWEN hugs him. HE is followed in
by TATYANA, a beautiful young lady in a tight
skirt, blouse and heels. SHE speaks with a Serbian
accent.]

GWEN:
[Cont.]
Come in! Come in! How’s the weather out there?

JACK:
Absolutely crap-tastic! I think I passed a yeti out front.

SAM:

What was he doing?

JACK:

Running a snow-blower.

SAM:
[Chuckling to himself]
You know what they say; there’s no business like snow-business…

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 22

Nobody says that, Sam. [Handing Gwen the present.] Here you go; a little something for the
baby. [Beat.] Hey, Sam, could you help Tatyana grab the suitcases? And pay the cabbie?

SAM:
[Eyeing TATYANA.]

Sure.

JACK:

This is Tatyana. She’s my assistant.

TATYANA:

And, his fiancée!

JACK:
Right, right. That’s what I meant to say. We just haven’t, you know, set a date, yet…

AMANDA:

That’ll be great for you, won’t it? It’ll be like adopting another daughter. You know, younger
than your real daughters. Like Woody Allen …

JACK:

Amanda… it’s like a nightmare-come-true. What are you doing here? Gwen said you weren’t
coming for a couple weeks.

GWEN:

She’s staying for the weekend, too. She wanted to surprise us.
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 23

JACK:

I see. I’ve died and gone to Hell, is that it? [Pause. Seeing SAM eye Tatyana’s chest…] If you
like those, Sam, we can get Gwen set up with a pair for five grand. Worth every penny…

SAM:

Five-grand is a lot of money…

GWEN:

Sam!

AMANDA:
Don’t worry, Sam, she’ll fill out after the baby’s born.

SAM:
[To GWEN]
I wasn’t suggesting you have them enhanced, I was just thinking how much money that is!

JACK:
The government health insurance covered it for me… You know, since she’s my fiancée…

SAM:

Our tax-dollars at work, huh.

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 24

God bless America! [Beat.] Sam? The taxi?

SAM:

Sorry. I’m on it. I just got distracted…

GWEN:

Sam!

SAM:

I’m going! I’m going!

[SAM and TATYANA exit]

JACK:
[Gesturing to the gift]

You can open it if you want.

GWEN:
[Opening the gift]
You shouldn’t have! I mean, you’re already helping us get settled and everything.

JACK:
It’s just a onesie with a Packer helmet on it.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 25

AMANDA:
Jack! Let her open it! You’re not supposed to tell!

JACK:

Damn it, Gwen, why didn’t you tell me she your mother was coming? I would have brought a
muzzle. And ear-plugs.

AMANDA:
Because she didn’t know I was coming. I surprised her.

JACK:
You surprised the hell out of me, too. I’m having flash-backs, already.

AMANDA:

Life can be full of little surprises. Which, of course, is something I found out on our
honeymoon…

GWEN:

Play nice, both of you!

JACK:

Maybe I can find a hotel

AMANDA:
I hear there’s an opening on Axe-Murderer Boulevard….

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 26

[SAM and TATYANA enter, carrying suitcases.]

SAM:

I don’t know how you can even lift that bag, Tatyana! It weighs a ton! Honestly, do you double
as a bodyguard, or something?

JACK:

Sam, could you man-up a little bit, please? Tatyana works out, that’s all. I’d tell you her last
name, but it’s one of those Slavic things that have forty-three letters and no vowels…

TATYANA:
[Giggling]

It’s true! We have terrible names!

GWEN:
That’s quite an accent you have, Tatyana. Where are you from?

JACK:

She’s from Siberia.

TATYANA:
I am from Serbia. [To JACK] I’ve told you that before.

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 27

What’s the difference?

AMANDA:
Siberia is in Massachusetts, I think… It has an outlet mall.

TATYANA:

No, it is not in Massachusetts. Serbia is a country in south-eastern Europe; Siberia is a region in
Russia. They are different countries; different people. It would be as if I said you were from
Canada.

JACK:
Got it, Canada is the Siberia of North America. Is that what you’re saying?

TATYANA:

No…

SAM:

What brings you to the states, Tatyana?

JACK:
She didn’t want to go into the family business.

TATYANA:

My parents are goat-hoarders.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 28

SAM:
[Helpfully]

I think you mean goat-herders.

TATYANA:

No, I mean goat-hoarders. They have, like, six-hundred goats. The smelly, little things run
everywhere on the commune. In the yurts, in the latrines…

GWEN:
Serbia is so far away… I bet your family misses you…

JACK:

No. She visits three or four times a year.

TATYANA:

He makes me take my work with me.

AMANDA:

Jack, that’s awful!

JACK:
Tatyana, do we have time to get out to that hotel in Buffalo Grove?

AMANDA:
Afraid of spending the whole weekend with me around?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 29

JACK:
Don’t be silly. ‘When the going gets tough, the tough make lemonade…’

TATYANA:
[Checks cell-phone]
They’re closing the streets as we speak.

GWEN:
You are staying here, and THAT … IS …FINAL!

JACK:
[Beat.]
I see you’ve developed your mother’s loving disposition.

SAM:

Sorry, Jack. That one’s my fault.

JACK:

Sam, you never stood a chance…

TATYANA:
[Checking cell phone]
The reporter from the Post wonders if you have a statement about the marriage equality vote.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 30

JACK:

Tell her that if I have a comment, I will give it to a reputable journalist, and not to someone that
works for that slanderous rag of hers. Tell her that liberal idealists are ill-suited for real
journalism and perhaps she should work in China, where her brand of socialism is more
acceptable!

TATYANA:
[Texting]

“No statement at this time.”

JACK:
Exactly. Sam, how about getting me a gin and tonic while we have a free moment?

SAM:
[Pause.]

But, I thought…

JACK:

Damn it, Sam, I’ve been through treatment three times! If I had a drinking problem, don’t you
think I’d know about it?

GWEN:
We don’t keep alcohol in the house, Dad.

JACK:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 31

[To TAYANA]
Keep checking on hotels. There must be something nearby with an open room. Check to see if
there’s a liquor store within walking distance. Your walking distance; not mine.

[GWEN gives SAM a look as if to say ‘help’!]

SAM:

Okay, so let’s have Gwen and Amanda in the bedroom, Tatyana can have the couch and Jack and
I can spread out in the baby’s room.

GWEN:
[Kissing Sam’s cheek]
Thank you, Sam. That should work.

JACK:
If you want, Sam, you can sleep on the couch… Tatyana and I can share the baby’s room…

GWEN:

Daddy, please!

JACK:
Sorry, sorry. I forget how sensitive you are.

SAM:
Okay, so everyone happy with their sleeping arrangements?

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 32

TATYANA:
Plenty of space, here. Six, maybe seven families live in this apartment in Serbia.

SAM:
I’ll take that as an ‘okay’ from Tatyana. Anyone else have concerns?

JACK:

You got a haircut.

SAM:
I … Yes, I did. Since I saw you in September, I have had three haircuts.

JACK:

Who cuts your hair?

SAM:
There’s a lady in the orchestra that cuts people’s hair.

JACK:
[Grimacing and gesturing to Sam’s hair.]
Anybody let her cut their hair twice?

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 33

[Beat.]
I’ll just put Amanda’s suitcase in the bedroom.

[SAM exits to the bedroom with AMANDA's
suitcase and coat.]

JACK:
[To Gwen]
That hair cut …. You guys short of money? I can float you a loan, if you need one.

GWEN:

We’re fine, Dad.

AMANDA:
I’m not sure I like the idea of some other lady cutting Sam’s hair, Gwen.

GWEN:

It’s fine, Mom. She’s sixty years old.

JACK:

Smells bad.

Have you even met her? GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 34

JACK:

Not the orchestra lady. In here. Smells like wet drywall…. Or gym socks... You have to be
careful, you don’t want mold. Tatyana, go take a look.

AMANDA:

I’m almost sixty, Gwen… It’s not that old, and I’ve caught Sam looking at me a time or two…
Who’s to say he wouldn’t be interested in this orchestra lady, too?

[TATYANA begins to move things around and
check behind them, wandering through the
apartment.]

GWEN:
Sit down! You’ve been on a plane for hours.

JACK:

I don’t mind standing.

AMANDA:
[Walking near Jack, sitting on the sofa.]
I’ll sit. I’m not used to climbing all those stairs. The air is thin here.

GWEN:

Mom, you live in the mountains.

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 35

Yes. But on the first floor!

JACK:
You know what? It’s not drywall. I think that rotting smell is your mother’s perfume.

GWEN:

Dad, be nice.

JACK:
I was being nice. I don’t think she’s wearing perfume.

AMANDA:

You once said you loved my scent.

JACK:
I once said Donald Trump was our hope for the future. I've made mistakes...

[SAM enters.]

SAM:
We’ve got you all set up in the bedroom, Amanda.

Thank you, Sam. AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 36

JACK:

Is this where the couch is going to be?

GWEN:
Sam likes the couch in the middle of the room.

SAM:
I like the couch in the middle of the room?

JACK:

Haven’t unpacked the T.V. yet?

GWEN:
We decided to go without a T.V... Until the baby gets older.

JACK:
But, the Packers have a play-off game on Sunday!

AMANDA:

Jack, this isn’t actually about you.

SAM:

Instead of T.V., we have some classical music to play. Studies show it's good for brain
development in infants.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 37

JACK:

Classical music? If my father were alive today, he’d roll over in his grave! Gwen, dear, a little
football might bring the kid up to be a little tougher than [JACK glances at SAM]… than if he
didn’t watch football, that’s all. A boy needs to be exposed to sports early in life or he’ll never
excel at them. A boy should be able to defend himself against bullies… or secretaries…

SAM:

I’m not a wuss, Jack. I’m a musician!

JACK:

You say to-may-to, I say po-tay-to!

GWEN:
We don’t know if it’s a boy or girl, yet, Dad.

SAM:

We want to be surprised.

JACK:

What for? I mean, which came first, the chicken or the duck? Right? Be surprised now, and
then you can be prepared for later…

AMANDA:
Oh, stop. We didn’t know Gwen or Maggie’s sex until they were born.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 38

JACK:

A mistake I don’t want Gwen to repeat.

GWEN:

Dad!

JACK:

Look, I like music as much as the next guy, Sam. I do. But the baby will get plenty of classical
music while you're practicing your violin.

SAM:

I don’t play the violin. I play the viola.

JACK:

What’s a viola?

SAM:

Well, it's a … uh … big violin.

JACK:
Right. He'll hear plenty of brain-music while you practice.

It might be a girl, Dad. GWEN:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 39

JACK:

But I can wish for a boy, can’t I?

SAM:
I mostly practice at the auditorium, with the orchestra.

JACK:
Oh, right… with the lady that cuts your hair.

AMANDA:
Give it a break, Jack. They’re going to be fine.

[There is a knock at the door.]

GWEN:

We have thought this through, Dad.

AMANDA:

Remember, we didn’t even have a home when Gwen was born. You were running for city
council and I was working part-time at the pharmacy. We were still living with your aunt in
Milwaukee.

JACK:
I remember. She took the door off of our bedroom and then proceeded to parade around the
hallway in her underwear for hours at a time. That’s a visual that you never recover from!

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 40

SAM:

Don’t I know it!

[SAM opens the door and finds FRANK outside.
FRANK enters.]

FRANK:

[To GWEN]

Oh. Sorry, I didn’t mean to bother you, but I thought I’d ask if I could bring dinner over for you.
I’ve got a roast I’ve been saving for a special occasion; potatoes, home-made rolls, corn, what do
you say? I know you haven’t had a chance to unpack things, yet.

GWEN:
But there are five of us. You shouldn’t go to the trouble.

FRANK:

Honestly, it would be wonderful to have some reason to cook a real meal. Since Leslie died,
meal times have been lonely most days…

SAM:
Leslie? [To GWEN] See? [To FRANK] Gwen thought you were gay.

FRANK:
[Beat.]

I am gay. Leslie was a man.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 41

SAM:
[Awkwardly.]

Oh, uh… good.

FRANK:

Good? Good that Leslie died; good that I’m gay; or good that your wife was right in thinking
that I’m gay?

SAM:
No, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean ‘good’. I meant: ‘I understand, now”.

FRANK:
I’m sorry, Sam. Sometimes I still get a little defensive.

SAM:
You dress so well; I should have just assumed.

GWEN:
[Beat.]

He means, “He understands”.

FRANK:

Got it.

SAM:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 42

I mean well, I really do…

GWEN:
He just doesn’t always think before he speaks.

JACK:
Are you sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with?

GWEN:

I love him.

JACK:

Let me tell you something, Gwen. The first time I thought I was in love, it was just a hernia.
[Pause.] Let’s not make a mountain out of a craphole; that’s all I’m saying... There are plenty of
ways fish in the sea can skin a cat, if you know what I mean. You can find a better cat, a better
sea, and a better skin…

SAM:

Hey!

GWEN:

Dad…

JACK:

I’m just saying it’s not too late to-

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 43

GWEN:
Don’t finish that thought, Dad. I love Sam.

JACK:

All right… If he makes you happy...

GWEN:
He's a good man, Dad. He'll be a good father.

SAM:
I’m right here! Why are you talking like I’m someplace else?

JACK:
[To Amanda]

Did you hear something?

GWEN:

Dad, stop.

AMANDA:
It’s so nice of you to offer to bring us dinner... I’m sorry; I don’t know your name. I’m Amanda.

FRANK:

Frank. It’s a pleasure to meet you. Honestly, I’d love to bring dinner. Since I retired, I have a
lot of free time on my hands. I volunteer at the library on Wednesdays and Saturdays, but that

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 44

still leaves a lot of time to fill… Besides, I’ve always hated eating alone.

GWEN:
[Starting to cry]

It must be lonely for you, now.

FRANK:

Very much so. Leslie was really the heart of our relationship. He was the one that people loved
to talk to; the one that always had a joke or a story to tell. I’m afraid I was the quiet one… But
he saw something in me…

GWEN:
[Putting her arm around SAM’s waist.]
Something you didn’t even know was inside you until he pointed it out?

FRANK:

Yes! Exactly! He had this ability to make everyone feel special. He would have made a great
dad. Of course, in those days, gay men didn’t have the option of adopting like they do today.

GWEN:

No, I imagine not.

FRANK:

Leslie was a school teacher; married right out of college, and had a job before he got divorced.
He never had children of his own, but he adored the kids that he taught… He was a good enough
teacher that even after the administrators realized he was gay, they wouldn’t let him go. He
was… amazing, really. I wish you could have met him.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 45

GWEN:
[Drying her eyes.]
I wish that I could have met him, too. He sounds wonderful.

AMANDA:
So, Frank, what did you do before you retired?

FRANK:
I was a general practitioner; thirty-two years.

AMANDA:

A doctor! I feel so much better knowing you live close by, in case something happens with the
baby.

GWEN:

Mom, he’s retired.

FRANK:
Don’t be silly. If something comes up, I’d be happy to help out.

JACK:

If you were a doctor, why do you live in this building? I’m not sure I want my grandson seeing
some doctor that couldn’t make any money…

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 46

AMANDA:
Not everyone feels the need to spend every penny they get, Jack!

JACK:

Don’t even talk to me about spending money, Amanda! Who needed two cars in case one broke
down while I was in Washington?

SAM:

Okay, everybody, let’s take a breath.

AMANDA:

Sorry, Sam.

GWEN:

Can I get you some coffee, Frank?

FRANK:

Thanks, but I should get back to my oven. I’ll be back when dinner’s ready. Should be about six
o’clock, if that works?

GWEN:

Sounds great. Thanks so much!

FRANK:
Like I said, glad to have the opportunity.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 47

[FRANK exits.]

JACK:
You didn’t ask me. I’d like a cup of coffee.

GWEN:

Oh. Okay. I’ll go make some.

SAM:
I don’t think it’s unpacked yet. It’s in the box by the sink.

JACK:
I thought you two would be unpacked already. Come on, Sam; get your poop in a pile!

AMANDA:
It’s just coffee, Jack. And quit using that phrase!

JACK:

“Get your poop in a pile” won me the senate seat, Amanda! You need to stand out from the
crowd. You need to mix things up a bit, now and then. You need to tell people what you want!
Like, right now, I’m telling Gwen that I’d really like that cup of coffee, because she’s just
standing there…

GWEN:

Sorry, Dad, It’ll only be a minute. Takes me a minute to pivot with this baby, that’s all…
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 48

[GWEN exits to kitchen.]

SAM:
[Long pause.]
So, here we are… Me … Tatyana… Amanda… and, Jack … Good times… Good times.

AMANDA:
So… How’s the orchestra coming along, Sam? I thought it might be fun to see a performance
while I’m in town.

SAM:
We’re off this week, but then it’s every weekend for the next few months. We’ve worked up a
tribute to Heinrich Ignaz Biber; some beautiful music, really.

TATYANA:
I thought his first name was Justin? Justin Biber…

SAM:
You’re thinking Justin Bieber. Heinrich Ignaz Biber was a Bohemian violinist and composer in
the seventeenth century. Justin Bieber is… um… Canadian…

JACK:
I’m sure a lot of people get them confused, Sweetie.

AMANDA:
Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 49

I can’t believe you expect your pregnant daughter to serve you like that!

JACK:

I’m a guest!

AMANDA:

Oh, you are many things, Jack…

TATYANA:
Yes, he is! Did you know he invented the internet?

AMANDA:

Really?

JACK:
I didn’t invent it, per se… I connected her tablet to the internet using my wifi…

TATYANA:
[Pulling her tablet out of her bag.]

But you said-

JACK:
I know what I said, Sweetie. [To AMANDA] Now she has a mobile plan. She can get the
internet anywhere.

Mitchell/ What to Expect When You’re Expecting Your In-Laws Pg. 50


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