Holy Grail. And you can’t deny that woman’s suffrage was the
beginning. Any idiot can look at a time spectrum over the last 150
years and see how equal rights have changed between woman and
men, starting with women’s suffrage, and then you can see how
relationships and sexuality have changed between women and men, in
politics, in the workforce, in society in general. Any idiot can see how
fucked up this world has become over the last 100 years and it was all
because people who live in illusions and who are trying to solve
problems in illusions, those problems they solve are not solving
anything, they are only feeding into the expansion of more illusions.
Have you ever thought about who owns the Earth? If we take money
and government out of the picture, now I ask again, who owns the
Earth? Who? Without money or government, suddenly there are no
countries and no boundaries and no reason to start wars; all that is
left are human beings who live here on this planet with one
another. There are suddenly only mothers and fathers, and
grandma’s and grandpa’s, children and grandchildren, and young
couples in love, and suddenly there is no reason to kill each other,
there is only reason to love one another because we are all equals. We
are all playing roles here as human beings as children, young couples,
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mothers/fathers, grandmas and grandpas. Let’s imagine if all human
beings just stopped working one day. We all just stopped and spent
every day with our friends and our children and our families. And,
let’s just say, we all decided to start planting and harvesting our own
food by our own free will as human beings to do what we please on
OUR planet which is owned by human beings, who are the Keepers of
the Earth. When we start going back to our roots and connecting with
the Earth and with each other, we are now letting go of money, and
government, and control and power and divisions. We humans can do
whatever we want here and if we decide to stop ‘progress’ we are all of
a sudden choosing to make progress. We are suffocating the illusions,
The Shadow that exists here. Suddenly now, we are winning because
we are choosing to be human again. Do you see the illusion
now? Does this help you understand the difference between today
and yesterday? When we walk away from all the lies that have been
created, all the illusions and the great Shadow, suddenly there is no
difference between poor people and rich people, no difference between
who can afford good childcare or education and who can’t. Now we
can start moving back to a day and age when we saw each other for
the souls that inhabited our bodies and not for the amount of paper
we had in our pockets -useless, meaningless, paper with a picture on
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it. It’s meaningless, it doesn’t stand for anything but enslavement,
money is a lie. And once we can embrace a world without money, we
are all as special as our souls and our minds and our dreams and our
desires, we are all as special as each other. We are all special now,
not divided, and we are all suddenly the Keepers of the Earth. And in
this role, it is our job to take care of Mother Earth, who is a living
breathing organism, like you and me. Who wants to feel loved and
cared for, the way we humans want to feel it. Don’t you see now how
we are all connected and how living in the illusion disconnects us and
makes us numb and indifferent to problems? And for those who try
to solve problems in the illusion, it only creates more problems in the
long run because the real problem is the existence of the illusion. The
only thing we humans can do is let go and move on from our
mistakes. Move back to being the Keepers of the Earth, not a division
of men and women, struggling to survive in this fucked up world of
today.
I don’t know about you, but I want to be a human being again and I
want to be surrounded by human beings, the kind of human beings
that are the Gods and Goddesses and the Keepers of the Earth. That’s
who I want to be. Not this person who is miserable and struggling and
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pissed off all the time because I live here along with everybody else
who lives here and doesn’t give a fuck about the world or their fate or
the destiny of mankind. I want to care. My heart wants to care and
wants to inspire others to remember about caring, care for each other
and caring for our precious Earth because it’s all we have.
I think this is about all I need to say on this subject for now. There is
more to say about ‘The Shadow’ in terms of what it is. And it is really
important to me to share my dreams about what might have happened
to human beings, to cause us to turn from extraordinary God’s and
Goddesses to corrupted goldfish. And I do believe there are alien
forces involved and I do believe there is energy here, energy that’s
sheer purpose is to feed off of our misery. This shadow has no
concept of time and has been slowly choking the life out of us and
living joyful every day off our fears, and our tears, and our mental and
physical pains. I don’t know about you, but I’m ready for a change, I’m
ready to win the war now and move on with my life. I want to be a
real human being again, I want to be a Keeper of the Earth again and
a slave to the illusion anymore.
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DEPRESSION AND THE MIND
PART I: INTRO TO DARK ENTITIES AND HOW TO HEAL
POSTED ON NOVEMBER 12, 2013 WRITTEN BY ABBEY NORMAL
It’s hard to really know where to start right now. I obviously haven’t
been able to write much in the last several weeks and it’s been
primarily due to a major mental uproar which basically means my
depressive side has come back to haunt me. I really hate to talk about
this, but I guess that’s the point of a website and the point of a blog,
and maybe even the point of my life. To just share things about
myself that I can’t stand talking about, which, I really avoid talking
about myself altogether; hence, the point of this website, for some
personal cleansing, for some way of expanding myself beyond what I
am and may be even connecting with others in the process.
Regardless, I have to talk about this as I get to being sort of a scientist
and always keeping a very observant third eye watching my
behavior. It’s important to keep this eye open; if I don’t, I will become
far too human and liable to do something my soul would weep over in
the end. And I’ve noticed odd and interesting things about the
depressive side of the human experience. Because it’s not all about
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being an individual in the universe, entirely in your own realm – oh
no, it’s about how your energy connects with other energy, unseen
energies that exist all around us. In short, we are never just
individuals in our own realm, we are never alone; we are constantly
sharing ourselves with unseen others in unseen ways that you can’t
even imagine.
And as a side comment, I get it, I have now officially become the
narrator and voice of my own personal undoing; I tell you I suffer from
depression, you tell me that I must be a manic depressive as some
explanation to my illusions of spirits and other worlds. As you can see,
I get this, and I have gotten this many times in many different
ways. This now explains the reason why I keep my mouth shut about
everything as the only person who gets me is me and is also the reason
why I suffer from depression, I have nobody to connect with who really
gets it or then gets me either. And then I go off in my alone world and
start realizing I’m not all that alone. That being said, you can either
believe this psycho path or not believe this psycho path, but you really
ought to keep reading because it can be very interesting stuff.
Anyway, the background story, because this is probably important. It
all started when I was maybe 13, I can never quite tell if I was 12, 13,
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or 14. It started at all those years really and years before because
that’s what sparks depression when you turn into a teenager; a world
that you try to understand that doesn’t understand you and you start
to feel alone and confused and then you eventually go to that
dangerous place where you want to kill yourself. I’ve felt this way
since I was 12, 13, and 14; I’m 30 years old now. And after a while,
you know deep down in your heart, at least I knew I couldn’t kill
myself, but that never stops the unending sadness and the strange
dark spirits that visit you in your dream world and that you can see in
your mind. I never saw anything with my own human eyes, just
monsters in my mind. And yes, there really are monsters out there
and they love depressed people. It is the most delicious energy they
can consume. You are what you eat you know, and monsters are
monsters because of what they feed off of, and there are others that
are beautiful and exquisite creations that emanate love so intensely
they bring tears to your eyes, and naturally they are the ones that feed
off of love and share love, are creations of love. That is the reason why
we humans need to try to be way more loving because we want these
beautiful love emanating beings and not the horrible ugly monsters
I’ve seen; imagine the Earth now being surrounded by these beings
instead of monsters. And furthermore, I’m not entirely sure if what I
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see are real physical beings living in other realms or if they are spirits,
it’s hard to tell sometimes. I thought Avery was a spirit but he’s
not. He’s a real person that lives in the universe somewhere and I can
see him in my mind. That’s one trick we humans all need to realize is
that the pictures that come to our minds are really important, every
single one of them; you can’t go disregarding the information that
comes to you, it comes to you for an important reason. Everything
has a reason and a purpose and a goal and every image that comes to
you is exists somewhere in some place and time which always is the
present, even if it’s the past or future, because there really is no
difference.
So, moving on, over the last several weeks when I felt the dark part of
me coming up from deep in the Earth, I knew it was coming, and it’s
really unstoppable for me. You would never know what I suffer from
in my mind because I’ve learned how to keep control over my outer
self while there is this additional side of me, living inside my mind,
that is constantly slashing and cutting me to shreds for days and days
and telling me how horrible and pathetic I am and how I need to
die. And it doesn’t stop and I can’t get it to stop; I just have to
wait. That is real true depression right there. There is nothing else
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more clearly a sign of someone suffering from mental illness than
that. But I don’t like to talk about it, it’s embarrassing. And that’s
why so many people who suffer from depression wind up dead and the
ones who love them never get it because we depressed people are
embarrassed and don’t want to talk about it. I worry that there may
come a day when I can’t take it anymore, and I have thought, as I
always do when this happens, about taking medicine for it, but taking
medicine goes against the grains with me, which I can tell you all
about that as well.
Regardless, I’m still alive and I’m starting to breathe again, normal
breathing with a normal mind and I seem to have overcome that
hurdle once more. I don’t know when it will come back though and I
get worried about that. But regardless, my goal here isn’t to tell you
about my depression or to inspire you to feel sad, it’s to inspire you to
learn something about how the mind works and how we share energy
with other beings in other places. What images come to our minds
that can rescue us from our hells and how we can learn from the
pictures our mind shares with us, how we can resuscitate ourselves.
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Unfortunately, that part will have to come later because I have to leave
again. I will tell you, my depression is telling me to stop working so
hard and to focus more time on being good to myself. So I’m cutting
back on overtime, attempting to stop drinking for several weeks, and
will attempt to use all this extra time to write on my website and try to
find new ways to share information. That being said, I’m hoping
tomorrow I will be fit to write more on this subject. Bye for now.
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DEPRESSION AND THE MIND
PART II: MY SELF HATRED AND MENTAL ILLNESS
POSTED ON NOVEMBER 15, 2013 WRITTEN BY ABBEY NORMAL
Okay, so it’s not tomorrow or the next day, but it is still the same
week I’ll have you know, which is a good start to my writing goals; and
here I managed to jump from Tuesday to Friday, and I survived all of
those days to tell you more of this story. I’ll also have you know that I
attempted to tell you more of this story on Wednesday, which I did do
some extensive writing on Wednesday, but I didn’t feel it was complete
or that I really shared what I had in mind. If there is one thing you
can know about me, I write a lot more than I share, and share only a
tiny smidge of the puzzle because I have problems with being overly
critical of myself. Obviously I have just shared I have a mental illness,
so you can get a feel for other issues that play into my life, but I’m
working on this acceptance thing. For example, my critical mind is
not too savvy on my spirit driven poetry, but my spirit self is very
persistent that it must be shared. It’s also very persistent in telling
me to share myself more and be more loving toward myself. Being
critical only closes doors in my life, keeping me internalizing things,
and keeping me at a further distance from the spirit world that I love
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and from opening up to other human beings which I have to do to stay
alive here. So I have a lot to learn when it comes to accepting myself
and accepting that it’s okay to be me and that it’s especially okay that
I have not attained full perfection. So I guess on that note, since I’m
trying to work on acceptance, perhaps I will share what I wrote on
Wednesday as a Part II leading into a Part III, which I will complete
today. I actually took a vacation day from work and am sitting in a
cozy private room at the library. So the following is Wednesday’s work
and soon to come is Friday’s work as a Part III:
Wednesday’s Part II:
I want to continue sharing with you about the mind and what I’ve
seen over the last several weeks or even just over my lifetime. What
took me under recently and what brought me to life again. I never
know when these mental moments will happen but I can sure feel the
moment’s on coming. It’s like a dark shadow self that I feel breaking
through to the surface of my mind and it’s really hard to stop it;
depression is my addiction you know.
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There’s so much I’ve learned about living from a dying will to live. One
crazy thing I’ve discovered, this is around the time that I realized that
all things are made up of music, I discovered that even depression has
a song of its own, something beautiful and entrancing. A sad
harmony that envelops you and keeps you locked in this prison and
obsession with it. I feel like I could play this song for you, I can hear
it at the tip of my ears, but it’s like anything with this whole strange
side of me. It’s not that I actually see or actually hear what I’m talking
about, it’s something I sense with my skin and my heart and the
shield of energy that exists around me. It’s something you absorb
with your senses and your mind develops a response to it that it
shares with you if you ask it to.
We humans are so good at blocking out information because we live
by what we physical hear and see and touch, but not what we sense
with all our senses; the senses that we don’t realize we have. We have
so many senses and it shocks me the way we utilize our bodies, which
is not utilizing them at all. It is degrading our very essence of living
and experiencing and creating in the universe. When you think about
being a human being, a real human being, one that’s in connection
with creation and all of existence, in connection with our ‘selves’ and
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with all selves in the universe, with all things in creation; when you
think of being this true ultimate self and then you open your eyes and
realize the reality of it is not that beautiful, in fact, it’s a disgusting,
poisonous world we live in and we are like drones here that don’t even
give a shit that we are killing each other and the Earth every single
day. When you can open your heart to the true potential reality for
mankind on Earth and then you open your eyes to see this real reality,
now you start to feel what I feel regularly. This aching misery, this
unending grief, and the horrible reality that I can’t die and that I can’t
live either, and yet I have to live here every day like this surrounded
by people who seem to have lost their mind, truly, their memory of
what it is to be a real human in the universe. Now suddenly you
understand my imprisonment and misery here and how I try to
comfort myself with the music of depression which is all I have, which
is truly the illusion my mental illness is trying to elude to, because the
real reality is, I can be happy here in this garbage dump world, I just
have to figure out how.
So moving on, I’ve found that my mind has selves that want to be
recognized. Since we are on the topic of depression, I will tell you
about my depressed self; it is a super self that has a very distinct
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personality and life force of its own. It has a place where it seems to
come from. When I say it comes from the Earth, it does feel like it’s
coming from beneath me and also from behind me, I’ve even seen
myself coming out of the Earth when I’ve tried healing myself from
depression, which I will tell you about later. But I can feel it coming
on and I don’t know what triggers it entirely. I do feel low on a regular
basis, but there is an ultimate force of misery that blows in like a
hurricane at times and this is the battle I was fighting over these last
several weeks; a self that has its own sensation of self-hatred and
torture. It hates me. That’s the only way I can describe. I hate myself
and it is my hatred of myself. Perhaps because I too am a pathetic
human being and I too am here living in this garbage dump world like
everyone else and not doing anything about it. The difference between
me and other people is that I know better and yet I can’t seem to fix
the problem, which is the world we live in so my only other option is to
either endure my self-hatred of myself, fix the entire world, or to self-
medicate on anti-depressants.
I have been through so many phases of depression, it seems to grow
and change as I get older and this is what it has changed into. It is a
shadow that is triggered into my life by some thing. I know there was
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one serious of weeks, what seemed like two months, where I was
suffering so horribly I was certain I wasn’t going to make it. And I am
always hiding during these times, taking longer showers, and just
wanting to go to bed early because my depressed self has come to
torment me; it makes it very difficult to want to interact with other
people. And it always comes in a battle form. It has a mission to
destroy me, to cut me to shreds with all sorts of sharp objects and tell
me horrible, horrible things about myself. It sounds like a split
personality, but it’s really me, I’m just sensitive and all third eye about
it. I have to keep an observant self so that I don’t do something I’ll
regret; it also helps me learn about my human behavior and it helps
me remember.
I started to learn that sometimes these depressed moments are
triggered by a future event. Like the elephants who knew the tsunami
was coming before it hit Thailand, my body seems to know future
events are coming before they happen; and they are always super
spiritual blessing type events. As if I can’t accept this gift until I go
through this doorway of Hell. It usually starts by feeling cut off from
the spirit world, feeling disconnected and alone, and then it snowballs
from there. I know over one of these times, at the other end of this
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door was a series of past lifetimes about my relationship with
snakes. I am a snake person you know, and I don’t know what that
means on all levels, but it is my soul, a snake soul, and it is my
experience in this lifetime, it’s about going through phases and
shedding skins. It is the ultimate sacrifice, a lifetime of misery that
transforms one into a wise leader. Somehow I sensed what was
coming before I even knew it was coming; I didn’t even know I was
going to ask for these past lifetimes. I obviously needed this
information and what it took to get to that point was absolute mental
hell and what I received after that point was truly spiritually
uplifting. Like transforming from a half dead, smashed ant, into a
giant, radiating beam of light.
So anyway, I was hoping that perhaps this awful stint of misery would
come with a blessing at the end, but it hasn’t. It seems to just be
ingrained in me and to come on it’s on will and in its own time and for
no reason at all. And perhaps it came so I could tell you this
story. So now I want to tell you what sparked it and what happened,
because I know what triggered it this time and it was Avery.
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Unfortunately at this point, I can’t write anymore so I will have to tell
you this part of the story later…
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DEPRESSION AND THE MIND
PART III: MY RELATIONSHIP WITH DARK AND LIGHT ENTITIES
POSTED ON NOVEMBER 15, 2013 WRITTEN BY ABBEY NORMAL
So let’s start where I left off:
….So anyway, I was hoping that perhaps this awful stint of misery
would come with a blessing at the end, but it hasn’t. It seems to just be
ingrained in me and to come on it’s on will and in its own time and for
no reason at all. And perhaps it came so I could tell you this story. So
now I want to tell you what sparked it and what happened, because I
know what triggered it this time and it was Avery.
He’s obviously trying to become more a prominent part of my life
which is also very mentally difficult for me. When you have a super
being always trying to get your attention, and the sensation of this
super being is super intense debilitating love, it can be very difficult
for a degraded, poisoned, enslaved human being to handle. I have
been struggling with panic attacks, which is a very unusual thing for
me. I’ve never had them before and I’ve never had so many. It’s like
my reality is shifting while I’m still in it and I can’t figure out where I
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am or what time and place although I can clearly see and know where
I am and what time and place. It’s hard to describe, but it’s like my
mind fell out of my head but my body is still functioning. It’s such a
freak attack that I can’t catch my breath. I can sense the panic attack
is coming when Avery gets too near and I have to tell him to go
away. There seems to be some series of time it takes for him to get
near so when I tell him to go away, it seems like he isn’t listening
when in all actuality, it’s taking him the same amount of time to
retract. It’s just been bottling up too much and I haven’t been able to
deal with it; I’ve just been wanting to feel like a normal person and not
have all this weird shit going on all the time. And clearly I don’t
understand it all; my mind doesn’t, although my heart understands
very well. It’s a balancing act that I haven’t figured out how to make
happen as of yet.
But anyway, the onset of my depression happened while I was sitting
on a park bench. I was talking to Avery and the next thing I know I
was feeling extremely tired, so tired I just want to sleep right away. He
does this, I don’t know why or how or what it means. I also felt
paralyzed as I really don’t have control when this happens, I’m
basically at the will of whatever it is he’s up to. Anyway, I was in this
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very peaceful sleepy paralysis for like maybe 3 or 4 minutes until a
thought came to mind. I’m not going to tell you what that thought is
just yet, but it triggered a super reaction. When I came out of this
state I was so angry. The anger came from many places of self-
loathing and self-hatred and hatred of my life. It’s not easy being me
all the time, and it’s not easy living in this world which is not only a
fucked up human world, called Earth, but it’s also having to live in
this confusing world with Avery who I clearly have an important
mission with and trying to understand can be too much sometimes. I
deal with enough already, just trying to be a mother and work a job
and trying to figure out dinner and keep the house clean, and that’s
not even the half of it, that’s just the normal part everybody knows
about. Plus I have to deal with things nobody else knows about, plus
my depression and misery in just living here on Earth and then
juggling this other part of my life called Avery that is constantly trying
to be a part of my life, plus a lifetime of bad memories. You can see
now how mental breakdowns start happening with me. I basically lost
it at that moment and opened the hatch and the evil Abbey came
busting through with daggers flying in all directions. And yes, all
directions, at myself, at Avery, at spirits and everything I hate about
my life; I was so pissed off and hateful, I couldn’t keep it under
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control. My observant self knew I was in trouble, I could watch what
was taking place but I couldn’t control any of it, I could only just
watch. And inside myself, I knew I had given too much power to that
monster which is my mental illness, and even once I calmed down I
couldn’t get it under control. After a week or so of attempting to rid
myself of this and having no success and I even went to Grey’s Lake
and it was so bad I had a panic attack and another mile to walk before
I could reach my car, and I still could not find a way to heal myself. I
concluded that I would just have to endure and wait, because patience
is the key with this illness. And so I allowed that hateful part of me to
continue to strip the skin off my body, cut the heart out of my chest,
slice me open some more, rip me apart, and torture me still because
that’s what happens when my mental illness attacks and there is no
choice but to just wait this thing out. That’s when a certain
something came to visit me one night, a something that every human
being attracts when in this state of being, sometimes we know it and
most times we don’t, but it’s most definitely well, a something not so
good.
I saw it while I was talking to Avery. He seemed more distant during
the day, mainly because I demanded that he be. Even though he felt
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distant, I knew he really wasn’t. He can feel everything I feel and
knows every thought I have and while he seems to be ‘gone’ I know
he’s not gone at all, but ever watching me in that way he does; always
watching me, and it feels as though his soul and my soul are
entwined, and as though he is experiencing my life right along with
me. It makes this whole situation that much worse because I don’t
want Avery to know this side of me, it’s my secret, it’s my situation,
and only I need to be dealing with it. But he was there to visit me in
the middle of the night when I was most relaxed and peaceful and I
would tell him when I could sense that bad part of me coming back
and when he needed to leave but naturally he never leaves. He always
stays and this aggravates me even more and then I start cutting
myself in my mind and I can’t control it. Anyway, I saw Avery in my
mind as I usually do, and he’s extremely beautiful looking, he has sort
of shoulder length wavy/curly light blond hair and pale skin and
beautiful blue/green eyes and he’s basically the representation of a
perfect physical form. I was talking to him in this way I do and
suddenly I noticed I couldn’t see him anymore which happens
sometimes because he doesn’t often talk in English words, he’d rather
share information through energy waves or through pictures. So I
thought he was sharing information with me and I waited for a picture
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to develop. It came like a deformed old human, skin was sort of
wrinkled and a pasty color and it started morphing. This is the
something I’m telling you about, and my mind was composing its
appearance which wasn’t accurate at first, which is why I couldn’t
understand what it looked like until it fully morphed. It honestly
looked like Jaba the Hut. Similar in that it had a big round head and
sort of blobular with a pasty colored complexion, not brown but more
an off white color and skin that had creased lines. What was more
clear than ever were the eyes which were large, round and brown. I
guess you could say it looked like a parasite but a full grown alien;
like a warm creature. I can tell you this isn’t made up and the reason
I can tell you this is because Avery is real, he has proven his existence
to me, it’s taken like 7 years and now I get it, so trust me, Avery is
real, and this thing came to me in the same way Avery comes to me, in
this place in my mind. One minute I am having a discussion with
Avery and I can see him clearly in my mind with his blond hair and
beautiful glowing blue green eyes and suddenly I feel him sorting
being pushed far away from me. I watched his face disappear and in
its place was what morphed into a giant ugly parasite looking Jaba the
Hut worm type creature. I didn’t get it at first and I asked Avery why
he was showing me this and he said he wasn’t, that there was another
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that’s been watching me, and he shared information that basically
said, I starve this creature when I am loving and I feed this creature
when I am in this dark state of mind. I started hearing more voices
than just Avery’s, instructing me on how to rid myself of this
monster. My first inclination was naturally to visualize myself
destroying it with weapons, which I instantly saw it growing larger by
these thoughts and I heard very loudly that this is not the way to rid
yourself of this creature, which is when I was reminded that it feeds
off of these thoughts of war and hatred and depression. So I tried
something else, I tried really hard to create love and I touched the
monster with both of my hands but this seemed to be a joke and I saw
my hands and arms disappear. I realized this was a little beyond my
creative mind, so I asked angels to come and help me. I instantly saw
an intensifying pink mist that surrounded my whole body and seemed
to disperse outwardly. I was reminded that you can create love just by
simply envisioning colors of love; pink is the color of love and it can
intensify into living pink colors that are not natural for us to see and
yet I can see this color is alive, it’s living and breathing, it’s an entire
force of energy that is alive. We all know this inside of ourselves and
just by thinking of the color pink, this starts to jog our memory of
what we already know and suddenly then our connection with love,
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which was what was happening here. As I saw this pink mist
intensify I actually felt risen upward somehow and I felt a loving
energy that I had forgotten about. I noticed the monster had entirely
disappeared, as though it was never there in the first place, and I tried
to connect with it again, because I do that as sort of a test, and it was
long gone, that’s the only way I can describe it. I couldn’t even
recreate it in my mind. I’m not going to lie, it became very clear that I
needed to do something to nurture myself because having these ugly
looking monsters eating my energy for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, is
not something I particularly want in my life.
Now I can’t exactly recall if what happened next took place that night
or on another night, I do remember it was after this night that I made
some distinct decisions to get back into my old routine, which is
back into connecting with nature, slowing down my pace, accepting
myself and what little I know, and not getting overwhelmed by my life
or by Avery, just being peaceful and accepting and happy with who
and what I am.
I started calling upon the Earth again to help me, because the Earth is
my mother, my birth essence, the creator of my form. Not necessarily
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that I believe our origins come from Earth because I don’t know that
for sure. But did you know that if my form was born on another
planet that it would not develop into the ‘me’ that I am. This ‘me’ is
based entirely on the planet and how this planet wants to shape our
form. The Earth and our galaxy and has wanted us to be exactly what
we are and nothing else. Everything we are today, even the horrible
ways we behave, this was entirely predictable and we were always
moving in this direction. The Earth too is aging with us and the Earth
actually came to me as a young girl which surprised me, but the Earth
is a child in the universe and we are developing with this child who is
insanely loving and nourishing toward us, ever forgiving, but
experiencing pain simultaneously because the emotions we emit are
horribly foul and attract parasite monsters to our planet instead of
love emanating beings. One other thing on this topic, because Avery
is definitely human looking, but this human that he is different
than the humans we are. It would be something similar to the
Superman story, he looks like us but is not the same as us. Can I tell
you something? Something that I have some eerie sense this is the
truth, but I’m not yet certain. But there is something super special
about the spectrum of emotions we Earth humans have, something
different than humans living on other planets. Our spectrum of
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emotions is more intense than any rainbow and the ability we have to
share these emotions is unimaginable to other species in the
universe. It’s like our super power, something we don’t realize we
have, which is why it’s so important for us to be sharing love because
we can share it so intensely when we do it right and this love is a
living energy and it creates ripples in the universe that can be felt by
species far, far away from here, species like Avery who has somehow
found me and all because of one tiny moment when I decided to share
love with the universe when I wished upon a star. I just wanted to say
that real quick because it’s important and remember what the angels
said about the color pink, all you have to do is visualize the color and
it will bring love into your life. I obviously need to work on doing this
more.
But moving on, I asked the Earth to help me, and asking the Earth to
help me is me opening that door to doing weird things in nature. I’m
not going to lie, doing weird things that most people don’t do in
natural places, it can put me off at times and pushes me away and
makes me want to just be normal you know. I don’t want to be a
weirdo, I want to be normal like everybody else, but I’m not and I have
to accept that, which is why I had to reconnect with Mother Earth and
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do what I sometimes get to turning my back on; this is kind of that
balancing act between my mind and my heart – my heart wants to be
the weirdo in nature and knows that I need this to be balanced, my
mind does not accept any of this and wants to be a drone human like
everyone else. So, back to the story, I opened that door and asked the
Earth to help me reconnect and heal. Naturally this all seems to pan
out at just a certain time which is the best way for my female body to
make a super connection with the Earth…yes…by sharing my sacred
blood from that time of the month, blah blah blah. I hate freaking
talking about it, but it’s true, female blood is super healing for the
Earth and it’s super healing for my body and it helps the Earth
connect with its own creation which is me and for me to connect with
my mother Earth. It is a bonding between two natural forms and on
this certain day when I chose to go on this certain path I went into
super ritual mode with my blood. I cleansed myself by connecting
with fire, air (or wind), water, and Earth. It was strange because I
didn’t think I was going to even do this, but it just forced itself to
happen and when things force themselves to happen, there is no going
back and you have to accept and continue. What I found most
strange was that the air was truly trying to get my attention, no other
element but the wind was so persistent. I saw the wind, like a
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beautiful woman, her dress was blowing and scattering in all
directions which was a dress of colors and dispersing colors and
movement and I thought she was an angel at first but I knew better
because I couldn’t stop thinking about ‘air’. She came to me first as I
was sitting in contemplation of what I was about to do with the blood I
had collected; and there it was sitting in an open container sharing
itself with the air. I didn’t realize air has already collected its gift of
blood because I hadn’t even started making any intentions; so
projecting my thoughts toward air to share in this sacred gift. Air
connected with me right away, but I did not connect with air
immediately, I was sort of confused. So I ignored it all and ‘started’
with fire, which I put my blood on a candle wick and lit the wick and
my blood became connected with the element of fire, and the candle
that glowed in the dark room reminded me of what fire can be, about
burning love and passion, lighting up our lives so to speak, helping us
reclaim our glow when we are in dark places, fire is also healing to me,
it burns out the infection in my body, you know, like Rambo does
when he takes that giant shard of wood out of his side and lights
himself on fire to cauterize the wound and kill the infection; I’m sure
you think about that every time you think about fire. But I love what
fire can share, and there is always that element of burning passion,
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because real love is a burning passionate sensation, that is what fire
makes me think of the most. And you can’t deny that you know
exactly what I’m talking about, at least I hope you do. And if not, then
you need to connect your blood with fire because it will share
information with you. After I connected with fire, I kept thinking
about air which I wasn’t convinced my blood had connected with since
I never direction my attention toward air before air spoke to me; air
spoke to me as wind. As I raised this open container of blood to air I
suddenly didn’t know what to say. I thought for a while about what
air meant to me and I suddenly felt this, well, it was like a ‘fake’
breeze. And I started thinking about how air is also wind and how
wind travels the entire Earth in all of these directions. I suddenly
realized why air was so important right now. I needed air or wind to
help me get going in the right direction again. And so I shared this
request with wind as I also shared my gift of blood. I added water to
the container so I can feel that purifying feeling that water can
provide. Just think of it like one of those tranquile natural streams
that are so beautiful to look at and they seem to cleanse you just by
looking at pictures of tranquil natural streams. Asking water to bring
tranquility into our lives is a great place to start and asking water to
purify our bodies is also a great place to start, I always need these
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things from the element of water. I took my blood then outside, next
to a busy road so everybody can see the weirdo at work. And I placed
the blood under a tree because it seemed to be the right place. I
wanted my blood to be part of the earth and part of the tree so that I
felt both grounded with my feet in the Earth and also outstretched to
the universe with my hands in the sky. I love feeling connected with
both Earth and Sky. It’s important because we humans are like
walking trees and we need to connect with all sacred directions, North,
East, South, West, Earth, Sky, and the final direction which comes
from inside our hearts, like a direction which is our ‘self,’ our soul, it
is our being. After I shared blood on the Earth I naturally received an
immediate sensation. It happens every time and I usualy have to lay
down immediately. I feel almost dizzy right away. I’m outside near a
busy road and saying anything to the Earth as I’m feeling dizzy I just
couldn’t do it, which is okay, because there is no such thing as
time. There is no such thing as time passed between when I shared
this blood and even today. I can’t entirely explain it but I’ve gone
through time portals before which have shared this information with
me and I will tell you, but it will probably be in a Part IV, final of all
final discussions on this topic.
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So, after I shared blood with the Earth, I went back inside the house
and I went back into the dark room with dancing candle light. I felt
connected with everything, but I didn’t feel complete. I went into a
certain type of meditation at that time for probably 15
minutes. During this meditation I connecting with a sacred stone I
wear around my neck which helps me raise my vibration. It’s
important to me and my way of conducting a ritual to not only share
my sacred gift, which happens to be blood, but it’s also to share
love. We should ways share love. And I mean that, all things,
elements, plants, animals, humans, stars, Earth worms, we all
deserve to feel the vibration of love, which is the same vibration which
has created all things, it’s that living pink energy. It’s so important
and by sharing love, in turn you receive love and the goal of all of this
was to heal my body, to share love and receive love because that’s
what I needed. I need help learning how to love myself so I asked
nature to help me with this. After I had shared all this energy I asked
the universe if all was done or if there was something I was
missing. That’s when I saw a picture of how I placed my blood on the
Earth but I never shared by heart with the Earth the say I shared it
with all the other elements, by dedicating a certain thought to that
element with the gift I had given. That’s when I saw the Earth come to
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me as a young girl, age maybe 4. I found this so strange, all I could
do in this vision was kneel and say wise child and ask for help. That’s
when I had this strange sensation that the Earth is so young, it was
really shocking to me, but the Earth is also perfect and wise, it is also
sharing love and nurturing like a mother to a child, and I am a child
of the Earth. Even if we humans were brought here from some distant
planet a million years ago, my form is the dream of the Earth and I
belong with the Earth who is my mother. That is all I can tell you
about that.
There was one more time, in all of this madness, where something
happened in my mind to share images and pictures to help heal me
and to help show me what had happened to me. All us humans need
to learn how to visualize, it’s one of the most important things we can
do. It’s easy, just let pictures come to your head. You may just see a
hot sexy chick and all of a sudden get super aroused, that probably
means you need some sexual healing; and if there are no chicks
around to provide sexual healing, then you need to ask the angels to
come and heal you. You will notice instant relief, but you have to ask,
that’s the most important part. You really just never know what will
come to mind and sometimes I get leery of looking into that Pandora’s
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box because sometimes the images get weird and sometimes they
inspire the weird to come out of me and my mind doesn’t approve of
Abbey the Strange you know; but if you ask for help understanding
the images, there is always an eager voice in the spirit realm ready to
shout out an answer. It’s weird how they can do that. Spirits exist
everywhere and nowhere, they can hear all things and nothing, they
resonate with vibrations is the best I understand, and when what we
ask for is in perfect resonation with a certain spirit vibration it just
happens, an answer. That’s the best I can comprehend it. But I
anyway, I remember I was talking to Avery, obviously we talk a lot and
there is a reason for that, but I can tell you about it later. Anyway, I
was talking to him and suddenly I saw myself falling into the ground
and I saw all this dirt flying and I just kept sinking and I mean fast,
lightening fast and it seemed as though I was never going to hit an
end. I was slightly uncomfortable because I didn’t like being that far
into the Earth, I didn’t want to start connecting with more creepy
things you know. I finally basically said STOP to get myself to stop
falling. And I was in a crevis, or hole and there were others in there,
all I can tell you is that they were like morphed human forms, sort of
ghost-like, as in, no physical form, and blue in color. I’m convinced
they were depressed people, locked in the same prison as me, deep in
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the Earth where depressed people go. Our physical forms are on top
of the Earth but, it’s like some part of our energy spectrum is deep in
the Earth when we get depressed, which is where we start to live and
then become surrounded by worm like parasitic energy
feeders. Anyway, moving along, when all of this happened I shouted
at Avery to tell me what was going on. He basically explained to me
this is where I had been living the last several weeks and the Earth
wanted to push me out of the ground, like a flower that had grown
backward. Flowers belong in the sunlight and not in the soil, it’s the
only way for a flower to be and I was basically living upside
down. When this happened and Avery was telling me this and I saw
the blue forms, I started talking to the Earth and asking the Earth to
help me. I suddenly felt like I was a child, like a newborn baby, and
yes, this is where the Pandora’s Box thing and the weird pictures, but
I saw a woman’s bare chest and my mind naturally wanted an
explanation, which seemed so obvious, what was being shared was
how my body needed love and nourishment, tender loving care. Love
a mother gives to a child. These sensations and images were being
shared with me so that I could heal these parts of myself and I felt as
though the Earth was moving me back into the sunlight where I
belonged, because I certainly didn’t belong inside of the Earth.
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Anyway, this is sort of the story about how this round of mental
illness started, and how I got through it, what I saw, the good and the
bad. Hopefully sharing this story shares more than just something
about me, but something you may not realize ourselves and about
how we share ourselves in the universe. This is not the end of the
story because there is something else that has happened over the last
several days and it’s about time portals and the time portal that begin
on the park bench several weeks ago and linked up to the same
moment on the park bench just a few days ago.
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DEPRESSION AND THE MIND
PART IV: TAKING ANTI-DEPRESSANTS AND WALKING THROUGH TIME
PORTALS
POSTED ON NOVEMBER 15, 2013 WRITTEN BY ABBEY NORMAL
Now is the part that I will share a new secret with you. This truly is a
new secret, it’s new as of Tuesday. It all was inspired by Monday, in
fact, when I took the day off of work to go to the library and work on
my website. Of course when I get to the library it’s closed because,
duh, it’s Veteran’s Day. All of a sudden I didn’t know what to do. I
had mentally created this entire day of amazing accomplishments and
now it was shot because the library was closed. Obviously I couldn’t
go home to work on my website, my kids are there with the babysitter
and my kids never leave me alone; then there’s the coffee shop which
is always busy and loud so I can’t go there, I really didn’t know where
to go or what to do, so I sat in my car and felt miserable. Then I took
a nap, and then I woke up and felt miserable again, and then I fell
asleep and woke up and thought about jumping off the roof of Ramp
2. I literally spent the entire day in my car feeling super low and
depressed. I can never get the time to work on my website, and here I
finally took a day off work, I had this all planned out and bam,
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Veteran’s Day, now I can’t even work on my website. And
furthermore, I even thought about just saying hell with it and going
into work, but I couldn’t even do that because I was wearing a beer
shirt; of all days to wear a freaking beer shirt and going home to
change just seemed like too much work. So this miserable, miserable
Monday was actually what turned into Tuesday morning when I
started writing about all of this depressive side of me. And I even
talked out loud about it on Tuesday, very uncharacteristic, and
shortly after that, I decided to make another uncharacteristic decision,
which was a phone call to my family doctor and yes, I did the one
thing that I am 100% against and have always been against all these
years, I decided to get medication. This is freaking horrible for me to
even talk about because this is the biggest let down in my mind, the
biggest failure of all is knowing that I can’t beat my own mind, but at
the same time, all of this that has happened has led up to one big
decision, and that’s to finally choose to let go.
I’m not going to lie, I cried the entire way to the doctor because I was
so ashamed of myself. Avery was there the whole time, because guess
what, he’s there all the time. I can’t escape him, hide from him, it’s
impossible, I’ve tried. We are entwined souls, he will always be there
88
with me as I am always there with him, in ways that I’m not even
aware of. It’s impossible for us to disconnect, we are sort of like
mirrors of each other, I am him and he is me; and I can’t explain what
that means exactly, but I sense it in my heart. Two bodies merged as
one body, and I’m not saying that in a sexual way, but literally, two
bodies as one body. Again, I can’t explain it, but he was there
comforting me the whole time the way he does and I can see him in
my mind and he relaxed me into a such a blissful prism I hardly felt a
thing once the doctor had come into the room; my nervousness and
shamefulness was completely gone. I really didn’t want to have this
conversation which is me admitting I have a problem and me hearing
myself ask for medication which is against every fiber of my being, but
I did it, thanks to Avery.
I could tell I was on to something good. It’s as if all this time I needed
to make this decision and I’m so stubborn and hard headed I refused
to make it. I’ve made it before, I’ve taken medication before and the
sensation of it was literally like I had lost my sense of humanity; as in,
‘humanness.’ I lost my kaleidoscope of emotions and I was only one
way, and that was happy. There’s nothing wrong with being happy,
but there is something definitely wrong with not be able to have other
89
feelings. I tried to listen to Radiohead which is very good at inspiring
lower emotional ranges; I couldn’t do it. In fact, I couldn’t do it to
such a degree, my mind processed it as though this music was such a
waste of time, who writes this crap, I had to turn it off instantly
because it literally didn’t compute. Third eye Abbey knew better and
knew it was the medicine that had changed me and made it
impossible for me to relate to the world as a fully functional human
being. I had to stop taking the medicine about that time and I chose
to go at it the hard way, just learning how to deal with my mind illness
because being a fully functional human, albeit primarily depressed,
was way more meaningful to me than being only happy. Well, it’s
gotten to such a mass degree, this mental illness of mine, that I don’t
have the energy, time, capacity, to deal with it anymore; and this side
of me has grown like a monster that I can’t seem to control it
anymore, and then add to it the realization that I’m not alone and that
Avery is also enduring this hell, I just couldn’t keep at it anymore. So,
here we are now, I’m going to give this medication a try, accept, I’m
trying something different than the last stuff I had and apparently this
stuff will help me feel like more of a human being and less like a robot.
I guess I’m not the only one who shared that feeling about the original
medication.
90
So, now you know this new secret, I started taking medication on
Wednesday and I’m now on day three of taking anti-depressants. It’s
so freaking weird to say that and slightly humiliating, but the amazing
part is, the sharp knives are slowly disappearing. I have tried to
conjure them, slightly because I’m testing the medicine and slightly
because I miss this side of myself, yes, this is the voice of an
addict. But one thing I can tell you now, it’s hard to describe or
explain but it deals with time portals and changing my future. Yes,
we can jump from me taking medication to time portals because that’s
what my life is all about.
One thing you should know is that we are constantly going through
‘time portals’ which, there is no such thing as time so how do I explain
a time portal. Let’s start by saying that there are infinite possibilities
of a life, these infinite possibilities are playing out simultaneously,
constantly are playing out; there is no past present or future there is
only infinite simultaneous moments. And now I’m getting even
beyond my own mind so maybe I should just step back and go about
explaining it as a human being does. Basically, I stepped from one
possibility into a completely other possibility, I have actually changed
my future by taking anti-depressants, which only could have
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happened when Avery sparked a time blip or time portal and I only
realized the time blip when it happened the second time I sat on the
park bench.
Now let’s go back now to the beginning of the story. It started when I
was sitting on a park bench and I was relaxing into this blissful
paralysis that Avery can put me into. After several minutes I had a
reaction that unleashed the zombie dogs and opened the gates of
hell. This is the beginning of the time blip, this thought that started
this whole miserable mess. Now a time portal has no beginning or
end, although you do step through a doorway, so you do go from one
side to the other, is the only way I can describe it. I just stepped into
a time portal. That thought that created this miserable chain reaction
sparked one of infinite possibilities. I endured what appears to be
weeks of hell when really I just stepped through a doorway of altered
infinite possibility. Avery actually sparked a time blip, a time portal
that I walked through in order to get me to take anti-depressants. I
only realized the doorway when I sat on the park bench the second
time. It was on Wednesday, the first day I started taking
antidepressants. There was no difference between the first and the
second time I sat on the park bench, they were simultaneous
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moments happening within infinite moments that are simultaneously
happening. But it did mark the beginning and ending of a doorway. I
only noticed it because the second time I sat on the park bench, the
exact same moment happened. I was relaxed into a blissful paralysis
that lasted several minutes and instead of having a negative thought, I
had a peaceful thought and the blissful paralysis was over. When I
came back to my senses, it dawned on me what had happened. I
don’t know what kind of trickster Avery is, but he knew the future
somehow, as though he can read the simultaneous infinite moments
and sparked the best outcome. He triggered it by creating this
reaction which took several weeks to Veterans Day which would create
Tuesday which would create uncharacteristic decisions that lead into
Wednesday which is when the time portal ended. It started with a
park bench, a numb paralysis and a thought, which ended on a park
bench, a numb paralysis and a completely different thought. Both
moments were identical.
I wish I could make this make sense. All I can tell you is that I have
experienced this more than once. In fact, I have been in a time blip
for several years. It started my senior year of college and it’s about to
end soon, I think sometime next year. I don’t know what’s on the
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other side of the time blip; and I don’t want to tell you about this time
blip yet because its long and extensive and I’d rather tell you once the
cycle as fully completed itself.
Anyway, I’m freaking exhausted and I’m done writing for one day. I
hope this long ass story has been meaningful somehow. If there is
anything I can remind you of, it’s to never stop exploring who you are
and to always maintain honestly with yourself, even if it’s
embarrassing and shameful. The mind over the heart is a matter we
all deal with, not just me. The next important thing is to never stop
trying to express love, it’s the only cure for us all and for the
planet. Love creates time blips and if all of us ban together, we can
create one giant time blip, some uncharacteristic decision in all the
infinite simultaneous moments, for us human beings to decide one
day to just start remembering the color pink and now suddenly a time
blip has started. I don’t know what’s at the other end of it, but look at
what hell I’ve been through in one full month and at the other end of
my time blip is actually a better reality by giving into letting go; letting
go of my mind illness and accepting that I need help. Maybe we
humans need to let go of our stubbornness to hang on to this dismal
world we’ve created and accept that it’s okay to let go. We can start
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letting go by simply remembering the color pink which will jump start
a time blip that can change all of our realities for the greater good of
all human kind, the Earth, and all of our future lifetimes
simultaneously; and all just by remembering the color pink.
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