The Gaudie 25th October 2017

Free 25.10.17 facebook/thegaudie | go_gaudie | @the_gaudie The Gaudie NEWS New art in the Granite City p. 3 FEATURES We can’t ignore what’s in our heads p. 7 SATIRE Pucker up in the wild west p. 15 OPINE Japanese Militarisation? p. 10 For more exclusive, up to date and interesting student content, check out our website: www.thegaudie.com IV Magazine Inside AUSA Votes ‘Students Against Sexual Assault’ as Priority Campaign Students Against Sexual Assault (SASA) passed in AUSA’s council on Tuesday 24th October. The student council discussed SASA as the priority campaign in the latest council. After having clarified various elements of the campaign, 73 students voted for, 0 voted against, and 3 abstained, allowing the campaign to pass. The proposal clarified: ‘SASA is a campaign that strives to change the current conversation around sexual assault within the University of Aberdeen campus and the surrounding area.’ SASA’s main goal is to promote ‘a culture of consent as well as provide a safe space for survivors to come together, both of which are lacking at Aberdeen.’ After returning from a study abroad stay at the University of Calgary that has a Consent, Awareness and Sexual Education (CASE) group, Noémie Pirus Hassid initiated the development of a similar group with like-minded people at the University of Aberdeen. Andrea Hernandez, who also had the opportunity to compare initiatives abroad with possibilities in Aberdeen, perceived the strong necessity to create a forum and to initiate changes on both an institutional and student level. Specifically, she envisages an alternative to the University counselling service in the form of a student-led service, hoping that it will promote more inclusion and create a safe-space for students to come together and share their experiences. Hernandez, a survivor of sexual assault, underlines the importance of supporting students’ mental health. She believes that “Higher education institutions play an important role in helping people on their way to recovery.”. Through the Welfare Committee, Hernandez and Hassid learned about priority campaigns, and within three days, they wrote the proposal for SASA. They explain that, “At least 1 in 3 UK university students have experienced a form of sexual assault on campus.” With the current media focus on sexual assaults and the #metoo campaign, they felt more motivated to propose the campaign. The campaign is set to work with AUSA and external rape crises centres. The initiators highlight the importance of a bottom-up approach, which involves using input from the student body to bring changes, and thereby encouraging a strong student commitment. The campaign hopes to work with the Women/Non-binary and LGBTQ+ Forums, and together to create ‘student-led support for survivors, by survivors.’ The members of SASA emphasise that their current ambition is to adapt ‘the policy on sexual assault so it is clear, concise, user friendly and ends assaulters’ impunity no matter who they are’. SASA shared posters around campus for Halloween, to share the message that: ‘anything other than yes means no: silence is not consent.’ They will host an event, date to be confirmed, with NUS Scotland Women’s Officer, Shuwanna Aaron, and Rape Crisis centres ‘about how street harassment impacts people of colour and minorities’. Furthermore, they and NUS Scotland’s 16 Days of Action will work on screening films related to domestic abuse. Students can get involved and be updated on future events by following ABDN CASE: Aberdeen Consent Awareness & Sexual Education Group, on Facebook, and their website. By Mie Astrup Jensen 05 Photo by Juliette Schroeder

25.10.17 Editorial Edition 05: Money For Nothing The point is, money is a tricky business, especially as a student who already finds themselves placed into a world of student debts and limited employability. In our fast paced, globalised, interractive, 4-dimensional 21st Century world of virtual realities and post ironic commentary, how does the little guy survive amidst the big coroporations and 24-hour rolling news? Who is standing up for the independent businesses, the door-to-door cleaning product sales people, the student newspapers? It’s no easy feat keeping your head afloat in a post Brexit, post credit crunch, post watergate, post watershed, post office striking world of pain where dog eats dog, cat eats cat and the banks eat dog, cat, parrot and goldfish until you’ve got nothing left but a pile of vetinary bills. You can have all the talent in the world, but when the invoices come rolling in you’ve got to have the capital to back it up. I’ll be honest. I’ll get to point. I’ll be succinct. As a publication, the Gaudie is in financial hardship. Of course, this is to be expected. We’re a student publication that is literally given out for free within the very small area of a university campus. We never expected to the see the big league BSkyB bucks coming our way. Regardless, it has always been our aim for The Gaudie to make enough money from advertising to produce a small but signifiant dent in our printing costs. However, in a world where print media is being ridden like a mechanised bull by the social media revolution of cheap and cheerful Facebook post publicity we never really stood a chance. Fair enough. So, we give up? No! We don’t give up. We go to plan B. We need to take a serious detour and redirect down revenue avenue. In a modern world, one must adapt or die. Gaudie merchandise could be a start. Gaudie branded stationery, Gaudie branded umbrellas, Gaudie branded Corby trouser press. Merch sells like religious iconography at a hospice. But the initial investment here is unreasonable, it is not a sensible option. So what else? Gaudie events? Gaudie karaoke? Gaudie tiddlywinks championship? I’m spit balling here but when you’re in the hole you’ve got to be creative. The point is, money is a tricky business, especially as a student who already finds themselves placed into a world of student debts and limited employability. Buying branded olive oil is intimidating enough as a financial decision, nevermind having to deal with four figure invoices. It’s a unique feeling, for nothing in life really seems all that serious until you add a figure to it. You see the pounds add up and the chest tightens, the heart palpatates and finger tips go numb. However, even in the face of financial pressure, one must persevere. After all, it’s only money. And money can’t but happiness. The Hub Elphinstone Road Old Aberdeen AB24 3TU Tel: 01224 272980 We voluntarily adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation (www.ipso.co.uk) and aim to provide fair and balanced reporting. Head Editors News Editors Features Editor Deputy Feature Editor Opine Editor Deputy Opine Editor Science & Environment Editor Deputy Science & Environment Editor Satire Editor Sports Editor Alex Kither and Mira Bagaeen Emily Craig and Gabija Barnard Alice King William Lamb Darryl Peers Marijke Kirchner Déborah Gillard Rebecca Clark Andrew Meechan Daniel Rees Editorial Team Head of Production Copy Editors Head of IT Social Media Coordinator Marketing Director Photographers Juliette Schroeder Uju Ofomata and Ebba Strutzenbladh Martina Buen Si Ramzi Khoury Mina Fanous Alistair Swan & Malwina Filipczuk Wanting to advertise with The Gaudie? Get in contact with our Marketing Director at [email protected]. Go to our website to download our Media Pack with all our prices, online and print statistics—http://www.thegaudie.com/advertise. Production Team Listen live Fridays at 12pm. aberdeenstudentradio.co.uk Join the conversation. [email protected] The Gaudie hits the airwaves to discuss the week’s controversial headlines. p.2

25.10.17 News Editors: Emily Craig and Gabija Barnard Student Rector Candidates Revealed Asteel leopard sculpture by Andy Scott, creator of the Kelpies, has been unveiled in Aberdeen. The sculpture has been placed in the new Marischal Square development and is five metres tall, weighs over two tons and sits on a ten metre high steel column. Andy Scott said, “I’ve worked on this sculpture for over a year in the studio and it’s been very demanding. “ There are literally thousands of steel fragments, all individually welded to create the form of the artwork. “I hope it brings a real presence and sense of drama to the atrium space of Marischal Square.” Scott’s most known project so far has been the Kelpies, which are a pair of horse heads in Falkirk. The leopard represents the symbol on the city’s coat of arms and was commissioned by Muse Developments and Aviva Investors. Stephen Turner, Muse Developments’ Director for Scotland, said: “If you look at Andy’s work and history and the massive impact made by The Kelpies in Falkirk, you can see why we are all delighted to work with him on a project which we believe will be huge for the development and the city.” Mr Scott has named the artwork “Poised”, believing it suited the nature of Aberdeen. “He’s poised, ready to pounce. He’s also poised the way we all are in Aberdeen where economic things are all changing, in Scotland the way things are changing, and the world in fact,” said Scott. The sculpture is included in the sections of the £107 million Marischal Square development which is open to the public. Marie Boulton, lead councilor for the City Centre Masterplan, said: “It sums up how Aberdeen is at the moment – we’re poised for the next 10 years and the next major thing to happen. This is obviously Marischal Square and I think people will be blown away by it.” The sculpture will be on display from Friday 3rd November. By Gabija Barnard The Aberdeen city council has announced a year-long trial of the first renewable-energy taxis. This is yet another major step forward in the bid to reduce the city’s carbon emissions and to improve air quality. The first Hydrogen buses in Europe were introduced to Aberdeen earlier this year. The Hyundai ix35 was given to Aberdeen Taxis last month as part of the Aberdeen Regional Hydrogen Strategy and Action Plan 2015-2025. This ecofriendly vehicle was funded by the Scottish government’s Transport Agency. Transport Minister Humza Yousaf said: “I’m delighted that By Emily Craig By Alex Severn New Leopard Sculpture by Creator of The Kelpies is Unveiled in Marischal Square The nominees for the Student Rector post have now been revealed. Students will be able to vote for Andrew Bowie, Maggie Chapman, Angus Hepburn or Fiona Kennedy to take up the historical role. Andrew Bowie is an MP for West Aberdeenshire and Kincardine, and a member of the Scottish Conservative Party. Since October 2017, he has been on the Work and Pensions Committee. As a politician under 35-years-old, he believes that it is important to hear the voices of young people: “In order to understand young people you have got to speak to young people and hear from them and from their point of view.” “They come from a world now which is radically different in terms of how people interact with each other.” Fiona Kennedy, OBE, is an Honorary Graduate of the University of Aberdeen. She is a Scottish singer and philanthropist, known for her work on the following charities: Voluntary Service Aberdeen; Famine Relief for Orphans in Malawi Scotland; the North East of Scotland Music School; Jazz Art UK; The Pitlochry Festival Theatre, and The Speakeasy Club for stroke victims. Angus Hepburn is the only candidate who is currently a student. On the AUSA website, he offers “an achievable, nonpolitical non fundamentalist manifesto.” He lists protecting different faiths, encouraging studying abroad, and reducing the costs that come with being a student as priorities he would address if elected. “I feel that as a student I’m in the right position to represent you the students,” he states. Finally, Maggie Chapman is the current rector of the University of Aberdeen. She has held the role since 2014. Her key achievements include preventing staff redundancies and supporting the Cut the Rent campaign. On the AUSA website, she pledges to “demand that European Students do not lose their fee-free status because of Brexit” and to “continue to make [students’] voices heard at the highest levels in the University”. The election is set to take place from Tuesday, 14 November to Thursday, 16 November. The results should be announced at 6pm on 16 November. Each student is allowed to cast one vote. Use of this vehicle as a private hire taxi will also allow the citizens of Aberdeen the opportunity to travel in a hydrogen vehicle and broaden the understanding of the technology. First Hydrogen Taxis to Debut on the Streets of Aberdeen Scotland’s first hydrogen taxi will be transporting customers in Aberdeen and showcasing the benefits that ultra-low emission hydrogen vehicles can bring.” Council communities, housing and infrastructure convenor Yvonne Allan, said: “The car, which emits only water vapour, is zero emissions and can play a part in improving the air quality of our city. “Use of this vehicle as a private hire taxi will also allow the citizens of Aberdeen the opportunity to travel in a hydrogen vehicle and broaden the understanding of the technology.” The Hydrogen fuel-cell car will join the ten buses, thirteen cars (four of which belong to Aberdeen Co-club) and four vans already servicing the city. The silent and smooth driving experience of the vehicles is expected to be appreciated by drivers and passengers alike. The hydrogen powered car has a range of 326 miles, compared to electric cars which have only a third of this range. Aberdeen Taxis director Chris Douglas, said: “Aberdeen Taxis have always been dedicated to embracing the newest technology and, alongside the hydrogen taxi, have developed a number of environmentally-friendly projects including electric taxis.” Refuelling Hydrogen taxis take only around three minutes and, according to some Hydrogen technology experts, costs about half as much to run as petrol or diesel-powered vehicles. Supporters of hydrogen technology believe that if the power is generated from intermittent renewable electricity sources, such as wind turbines, it could be stored indefinitely. The power source could then be added to the natural gas grid and generate electricity at times of peak demand - as well as powering vehicles. The Scottish government currently is working on a project to remove the need for diesel and petrol engines by 2032. This scheme is strongly supported by Aberdeen council as evidenced by the number of hydrogen powered vehicles now driving in the city. Plans are currently being developed to integrate fuelling stations within the city’s Photo infrastructure. Courtesy of Ryden p.3

25.10.17 University Halls Empty for the First Time Crombie halls in Old Aberdeen have housed students for the past fifty years, but the 402 room self-catering halls now lie empty for the first time in decades. The university are now said to be “considering options” on what to do with the historic halls, and whether or not they will be renovated and continue to be used as student accommodation. The university has chosen to close the halls after a lack of interest from students for living in catered accommodation, and it has been suggested that the expansion of Hillhead Student Village beside Seaton Park has also played a part in the closure of the historic halls. Many students seem to prefer staying at the selfcatering student village, especially with the multi million pound revamp that went into renovating the halls last year. A spokesman for the university said: “Our multimillion pound investment in the new Hillhead Student Village has allowed us to consolidate the bulk of our student accommodation in one location. “Our investment there, combined with our students’ preference for self-catering accommodation, means that we are no longer providing accommodation at Crombie Johnston halls. The university is considering options for the future use of the building.” Alexander McLellan, Old Aberdeen councillor, said: “I was surprised to find out that the on-campus halls were closed due to lack of demand for catered accommodation. “Although, I understand the university has to adapt to the wants of its students, this makes me wonder how many more purpose-built student accommodation buildings Aberdeen actually needs.” The university will be considering options on what to do with the building, and the closure may cause developers to have second thoughts about building purpose-made student accommodation in Aberdeen. By Natalia Barbour The University of Aberdeen has opened an international campus in Doha, Qatar. Sir Ian Diamond, Vice Chancellor and Principal of the University of Aberdeen, and Dr Sheikha Aisha bint Faleh Al Thani, Founder and Chairperson of the Al Faleh Group, hosted the official opening together at the Museum of Islamic Art in Doha. Amongst the guests were Qatari Prime Minister Sheikh Abdullah Bin Nasser Al Thani, the Qatari Ministry of Education and Higher Education, the UK ambassador to Qatar and senior representatives from the University. The new branch of the University of Aberdeen offers undergraduate courses in Business Management and Accountancy and Finance in partnership with the Al Faleh Group (AFG). The AFG provides educational products and services in Qatar with three schools under its leadership and was founded by Dr. Sheikha Aisha. Currently 120 students are enrolled in the Aberdeen University courses. While the Campus in Doha is funded by AFG, the University is in charge of educational aspects of the program. The degrees are designed to deliver first class, quality education for Qatari nationals without the need to travel abroad. There is a plan to offer a wider range of courses in the subject areas of engineering, law and medicine, and to expand the number of students in the future. Tuition fees for the two degrees currently available are 89,000 QR, an equivalent of around £18,000. The price is fixed at the point of entry and will not increase for returning students. The Campus in Doha has a number of facilities ranging from fully equipped learning resource centres, to separate male and female health & fitness centres and a student service hub. In her statement at the official opening of the new Campus, Dr Sheikha Aisha, said: “We are proud to partner with the University of Aberdeen and be in a position to offer Qatari Nationals and the wider community the opportunity to study for a prestigious UK degree in Qatar. “Students of the College will be afforded the same teaching and learning experience as those students studying at the University’s central campus and will be taught by Aberdeen faculty, and follow the same academic calendar throughout their studies.” At the first Student Council this year, it was said: “Students have rightfully raised some serious concerns about the opening of a University of Aberdeen campus in Qatar. “It is important that these concerns are addressed by the University swiftly to ensure that both the welfare and the security of all students are addressed in full.” The ceremony ended with Dr. Sheikha Aisha presenting gifts to the Prime Minister of Qatar, the Minister of Education and Higher Education of Qatar, the Minister of Interior of Qatar and Sir Ian Diamond as a gratitude to their contribution to the project. Sir Ian Diamond said: “This partnership is our first overseas campus, and a true milestone for the University. We look forward to working with staff and students from Qatar, the wider Gulf region and from around the world, bringing our world class education to the region.” By Johanna Jakab The Tivoli Theatre was granted the Aberdeen Civic Society Award for its £1.2 million refurbishment project. The works on the building began in 2009 after Brian Hendry, a businessman and the chairman of the Tivoli Theatre Management Company, bought it and promised to return it to its former glory. The theatre was founded in December 1872 as Her Majesty’s Opera, with James Matthews and C.J. Phipps being its architects. Over its history, the theatre has hosted performers, such as Charlie Chaplin, Stan Laurel, and W.C. Fields. Between 1966 and the 1997 closure of the building, it functioned only as a bingo hall. Prior to being purchased by Mr Hendry, the building had fallen into dilapidation and was listed as critical on The Building at Risk Register for Scotland. The ambitious revamp plan has largely improved the exterior of the building, repairing the roof, rainwater goods, masonry, windows, and doors. The interior of the Aberdonian landmark has also been worked on to increase its capacity from 150 up to 530 seats. The social areas, such as a new bar, are currently being completed, with the hope of finalising the works by 2 December. Mr Hendry, said: “It’s just the final push now. It’s all been done in between shows.” The programme of the theatre for November and December is almost fully booked, and shows are scheduled to be performed up until 2019, with an emphasis on local productions and performers. Brian Hendry stated: “[The Tivoli Theatre] was always called the people’s theatre, and we are delighted to keep that tradition. “We still open our doors for Aberdeen performances and public, which is good for the city. It’s always city, city, city.” One of Scotland’s Most Historic Theatres Recognised for its Revamp By Kiril Atanasov Doha Ceremony Marks Official Opening of Qatar Campus Photo courtesy of the University p.4

25.10.17 UK’s First National Sign Language Plan Launches in Scotland New sign language classes and exams have been launched in conjunction with plans to make Scotland “the best place in the world” for deaf people. The national plan has been launched by the Scottish government to encourage pupils to take the classes and for more British Sign Language (BSL) users to become teachers. S i g n l a n g u a ge w a s recognised as an official language in 2011 and the plan has the goal of ensuring that BSL users are “fully involved in all aspects of daily and public life.” The plans include changes to major transport hubs to provide the same information for deaf people as they do for other language speakers. Interpreters of sing language will be made more available across public services in Scotland in attempts to allow deaf people to progress to managerial positions, such as surgeons for the NHS. The British Sign Language National Plan lists 70 actions for ministers to take by 2020, with the goal of bettering the lives of BSL users. This will be supported by £1.3m of public funding. Mark McDonald, Childcare and Early Years Minister said: “Our long term aim is ambitious: we want to make Scotland the best place in the world for people whose first or preferred language is BSL to live, work and visit. “This means that deaf and deafblind BSL users will be fully involved in daily and public life in Scotland as active, healthy citizens and will be able to make informed choices about every aspect of their lives.” Figures from the British Death Association show that over 12,500 people in Scotland use BSL. Derek Todd, member of the Scottish Council on Deafness, said: “Deaf children can do anything, they have dreams. “Education is one of the critical barriers for deaf children. Many deaf children leave school with no education or very little qualifications. We want to improve that.” By Emily Craig This means that deaf and deafblind BSL users will be fully involved in daily and public life in Scotland as active, healthy citizens and will be able to make informed choices about every aspect of their lives. Petition to Keep Library Open Longer Underway Lawson Ogubie, the Student President, opened an online survey earlier this year to gauge the student body’s opinion on whether the Duncan Rice Library should be open 24-hours-a-day. So far, the majority of students who have participated in the survey are in support of the motion to prolong the opening hours of the library. Mr Lawson, said: “The number of students who have taken the online survey is still very low for now for us to make a strong case for it.” F u r t h e r m o r e , t h e students can participate in focus groups which “will address more specific issues such as the reasons why students By Ivana Drdáková £27m Recycling Centre Opens in Aberdeen As part of Aberdeen City Council’s Zero Waste project, one of Scotland’s most advanced recycling centre officially opened its doors in October. It will enable the Aberdeen City Council to achieve its target to prohibit biodegradable landfills by 2020. The new facility, which is located in Altens, will be capable of processing 20 tonnes of mixed recyclable waste in an hour. Currently, Aberdeen City recycles 49% of its waste. Jenny Laing, the co-leader of the City council, said: “The new £27 million recycling and resource facility is a first for Scotland as it’s the country’s most advanced – and also newest – mixed recycling facility.” She expressed her optimism about the future of that plant, as she believes that it “will further our commitment to be a zero waste city by encouraging recycling as much as we can.” She concluded: “We have already increased our recycling rates by 25 per cent since the introduction of a new recyclingpriority bin to residents six months ago and the new facility will mean more of this waste will be made into new goods, which is good for the environment and our residents.” According to David PalmerJones, chief executive officer of Suez recycling and recovery UK, “this state-of-the-art facility is the first of its kind in Scotland and Suez recycling and recovery UK is delighted to be working in partnership with Aberdeen City Council in creating a society where there is no more waste. He also stressed the positive impact the plant has on the local economy: “The facility has created almost 50 jobs for local residents and we are looking forward to further deepening our relationship with the local community.” On a domestic scale, however, the City Council has been on the receiving end of complaints from communities in Aberdeen. According to a new report, the Council is failing to facilitate recycling within households, with 9.7% of the complaints and inquiries concerning missed recycling bin collections. In response, Pam Walker, Waste Strategy Manager at the city council, explained that the issue was caused by understaffing: “Currently, the service has 40 drivers employed on a permanent basis. To run the service fully, the establishment is 55 drivers meaning there is a shortfall of 15.” These shortcomings were considered by the City Council’s Communities, Housing and Infrastructure Committee on Wednesday, 8 November. By Sophia Brooke want a 24-hour library, whether it is 24/5 or 24/7 o p e r a t i o n s , w h e t h e r it is just Duncan Rice Library and or the schools’ libraries and why so.” The sign-up sheets for these groups are available at the front desk of the Student Union building. As well as completing the survey, students will be able to sign up for the focus groups until the end of November, while early focus groups will take place alongside the sign-up process. One of the reasons supporters of a 24-hour library cite is the fact that not all students have time during the day to study in the library, as circumstances like childcare and part-time jobs may interfere with availability. However, the cost of extending the opening hours, as well as the realistic number of students using the improved facility, are also arguments to consider. Regardless, a 24-hour library would improve the accessibility to education at the University of Aberdeen. In the words of the student president: “I encourage every student to please complete the online survey and to participate in the focus groups when the call is made, which will be soon.” The Student President is responsible for working on improvements in many areas of the university life, from working on lower bus fares for students to the motion of 24-hour library. The online sur vey will be available until the end of November. ECONOMICS IN THE 21ST CENTURY www.shiftingparadigms2017.com Join the Aberdeen Political Economy Group (APEG)‘s annual conference and discuss the economics of… Professor Dr. Sheila Dow (Stirling) Professor Victoria Chick (UCL) Professor Dr. Diane Perrons (LSE) Professor Dr. Keith Bender (Abdn) Dr. Alberto Botta (Greenwich) Dr. Annina Kaltenbrunner (Leeds) Dr. Marion Dumas (Santa Fe) Maria del Rio Chanona (Oxford) Laurie Macfarlane (NEF) Brett Scott JOIN OUR …and many more! ESSAY COMPETITION! FOR MORE INFO, VISIT Planetary Boundaries Gender, Race & Religion Macroeconomics & Global Finance Automation & AI …with our speakers Photo by Juliette Schroeder p.5

25.10.17 Your Queer Best Friend A Way for LGBTQ+ Youth to Support Each Other To paraphrase the Dickens classic A Tale of Two Cities, “University is the best of times and the worst of times.” This can be especially true for LGBTQ+ students. Across the globe, the community desires to be accepted and acknowledged. The world is changing rapidly, of course, but can still be close minded and, as a result, self-discovery can be hindered and limited. Fortunately, university is often the place where queer students find themselves in the conducive environment that allows for this, but it’s not always easy to know where to start. Your Queer Best Friend has found a way around this problem. It attempts to match out-and-proud mentors with questioning or closeted students. Emphasising confidentiality and support, students looking for someone to talk to can send an email and be matched with a trained mentor. It is important to remember that these mentors are not certified by the programme to be counsellors. They simply provide the perspective that many students need. Every journey is easier with a guide. Let’s take a trip back in time to 2014. Enter Lise, a non-binary pansexual student, who is nothing if not a kind voice and a welcoming smile. Lise, like many in the community, uses they/them pronouns to better honour their identity. They were a “baby queer” at the time with a mission to find themselves and discover who they were. With the help of a ‘mentor’ from the LGBTQ+ Forum, Lise was able to achieve their goals of discovery and in the process create an idea for a programme that would cater to people in similar situations. As a result, Your Queer Best Friend was introduced as a subset of the AU mental health initiative. Together they created a tailor-made training program for new mentors and after the new year, began work in earnest. YQBF was never intended to be, and is not, a service in the strictest sense; Lise was sure to be clear about this saying, “Our job is to facilitate LGBTQ+ students who want to be introduced to the community.” What the community needs remains at the heart of the operation; and that is not another sponsored programme that has pretty fliers and a catchy name, but rather friends and support to help those who are struggling. Now, almost 4 years later, Lise has been running the Your Queer Best Friend programme since the inception in September of 2015. We talked to them over a coffee to get a better grasp on the programme itself and the face behind it. Lise describes the mission of the programme as: “Matching students who are struggling with their sexuality, gender identity, or any related issues, with students who have been part of the community for longer and feel comfortable within their own identity.” Simply put, an endeavour to help students become more comfortable with themselves as they settle into the rainbow community. Our conversation moved on to how Lise sees their programme now. We talked about their struggles within the programme: “We struggle to reach out to those who are questioning. It’s easier to get in contact with those who are already out and or are interested in being mentors.” It’s only logical that those who may be scared of revealing their identity would be less likely to disclose the situation they are in. That is what Your Queer Best Friend is all about. It’s not a misnomer. During our talk Lise expressed that they emphasise confidentiality for this exact reason. “Taking that step into the unknown like that is scary. But this is just person to person.” Signing up for a mentor does not mean Neil Patrick-Harris will appear out of nowhere, dressed in his iconic purple sequined suit from the 2011 Tony Awards, with theatrics galore. Another struggle that Lise presented is the issue of boundaries. It is the prerogative of the mentor and mentee to decide what the boundaries that their relationship will be. However, there are restrictions, and it pains the founder that the mentors cannot always offer the help that the mentee may need or want. Finding a stable middle ground is an important part of the process. Admittedly, there are still a few kinks in the system, but Lise wants to keep it running and looks for support and has ideas to leave their mark on the fabulous fabric of Your Queer Best Friend’s history. On a much more positive note, there are great things coming from YQBF. Most heartening of these is the surplus of mentors. Though it can be frustrating to not be able to match up pairs, it is encouraging that so many people are happy to impart their knowledge and experience to those who ask for it. Lise explains that the most satisfying part of running this programme is helping someone figure out who they are. We can only assume that this holds true for the rest of the mentors as well. In the future, Lise looks to introduce anonymous Q&A sessions available to all, providing a safe platform for people to engage in a dialogue about the struggle. It is important to recognise that LGBTQ+ persons do not have it as easy as one might think. Even within the United Kingdom, one can encounter homophobia and discrimination on a regular basis. Whilst it is true that the UK is in a more enlightened part of the world, a study by the Stonewall Group in 2013 discovered that over a quarter of UK LGBTQ+ people actively changed their personalities and behaviour to hide from oppression. This trend is an outrage, as people should not be afraid of being themselves. Your Queer Best Friend is aiming to open people’s eyes to the fact that they are not alone and there are people out there who want to help. If you are struggling with sexuality, gender, or other LGBTQ+ issues and want someone with insight on the subject, do not be afraid to get in touch. There is a Queer Best Friend waiting for you somewhere out there. By William Lamb Features Editor: Alice King p.6

25.10.17 Invisible Disability Just because we don’t see the problem, doesn’t mean we can ignore it By Chris McKinnon October 15-21 was International Invisible Disabilities Week, with awareness-raising campaigns across Facebook and Twitter, as well as in the real world. During the week, the hashtag #InvisiblyDisabledLooksLike was trending, and users of the platform shared their stories of living with invisible disabilities – from fibromyalgia to hearing loss. The stories ranged from sharing a cheerful picture – in stark contrast with the disorder in the caption – to experiences, like being berated for using a parking spot reserved for disabled drivers, just because passers-by could not detect the disability just by looking. Invisible disabilities are defined as any physical, mental, or neurological conditions that are unperceived by the naked eye. According to the World Health Organization, 15 % of the world population has some form of disability – and almost 75 % of those disabilities are superficially undetectable. At the University of Aberdeen, approximately 1500 students identify as disabled. In order to gain insight into the perspective of these students, we spoke to Donna Connelly, a Computer Science student, and the Sabbatical Education Officer, living with invisible disabilities. She explained that one of the barriers students face is the negative treatment from their peers: ‘So many students with invisible disabilities are judged for the way they present themselves. Others will inappropriately judge and make assumptions.’ Further, the disabilities themselves get in the way of successful academic performance. Ms Connelly elaborated: “I have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder). My ADHD means I’m hyperactive and can’t sit still; my brain is constantly in overdrive. I’m also very impulsive and have no thought filter, which can be funny at times, but it also gets me in trouble. I have huge problems paying attention. “Alongside my ADHD, I also suffer from an Anxiety Disorder, which means I become overwhelmed by anxiety. Me and others who have these chronic disorders feel a huge negative impact on our lives, and our pasts are riddled with failure and underachievement.” For Ms Connelly, the key to battling the effects of the illnesses was realising when to ask for help. “I would have dropped out [from university], if it hadn’t been for my peers, academic staff and support within AUSA (Aberdeen University Students’ Association). I was diagnosed very late in life and could never ask for help. Once I had my diagnosis, I knew I had to start [asking for help], especially as I was coming back into education. It’s still hard to admit you’re not coping and are becoming overwhelmed. But when I have reached out [to academic staff, in particular] Prof. Vasconcelos and Dr Bruce Scharlau, the support I received was above and beyond what I expected, and I still receive that support today.” Admitting to herself that she needed additional support in order to be successful changed the course of Donna Connelly’s education: “I never thought I would get to go to university; I am the first woman in my family to get a degree. Furthermore, I never thought I would be a Sabbatical Officer. With support we can achieve, without, we fail.” However, even with adequate support systems, the effect of invisible disabilities remains with her: “I still always feel like the little girl being shouted at by a teacher for not being able to sit still.” For Ms Connelly, one of the most important support mechanisms is the fact that there are members of staff available to talk if and when she needs them. Her weekly meetings with her mentor aid in breaking down her problems into manageable chunks, once they start becoming overwhelming. She also finds it helpful to reach out not to one, but to a group of people at once, as different individuals can help her in different ways. Professor Wamberto Vasconcelos, the Head of Computing Science at the University of Aberdeen, explained that invisible disabilities were an issue that both students and staff had to face. He emphasised that the individuals who struggle the most are the ones whose disabilities affect the learning process and their student experience. “My discipline, Computing Science, has high demands on focus and attention to detail, so students with ADHD and dyslexia may need special provisions,” he continued. Professor Vasconcelos also recognises the difficulty other students have: ‘I would say that classmates who do not have any disabilities also struggle to make accommodation to their peers who have invisible disabilities.’ Professor Vasconcelos finds that one of the most challenging disabilities within the university setting in Asperger’s syndrome. “Students in the Asperger’s spectrum [may find it particularly problematic to excel] as they will perform well as individuals but they will struggle with teamwork, and will find presentations and 1-to-1 meetings difficult. Provisions for these students are very hard to get right and their efficacy would ultimately depend on the staff member to detect and try out alternatives. “As a personal experience, I learned to meet students with such disability and sit side by side with them, rather than looking at them as this made them less anxious.” Professor Vasconcelos believes that while it may seem that mental issues are becoming more and more common, in reality we are just getting better at noticing and accommodating for them. Creating an environment in which individuals feel comfortable discussing their problems is also a key factor in recognising when an individual is struggling and finding the right way to help. However, the Professor recognises that thus far, the system has limitations: “I’ve dealt with extreme cases of students and colleagues with mental health problems and I am well aware of the limitations of the Health system and what we as an institution can do to help.” In answer to the question if the Department of Computing offered enough support for students with invisible disabilities, Professor Vasconcelos regretted to say that it probably did not. “I think an honest answer is no, Computing does not offer enough support for students with invisible disabilities.” He explained: “Mainly, my opinion is that proper support would mean that all my colleagues would be knowledgeable on such matters, but also compassionate and creative. Although to some extent staff can develop such skills, everyone is very busy and we need to cater for many students.” Even though the subtler disabilities students struggle with are much harder to spot from the outside, raising awareness about their presence among us is one of the first steps to ensuring that the University of Aberdeen is an institution where education is available to everyone. As long as the campus strives to remove any stigma from having a disability – be it visible or not – and students feel comfortable seeking help, their experience can be greatly improved. Thus everyone, even outside systemic structures, can do their part – even if it is just by being a little more considerate or a little more available, if a friend tries to reach out. Photo Courtesy of Country Living p.7

25.10.17 First-Seen Neutron Star Collision Lights Up the Sky By Adéla Mišove Along time ago in a galaxy called NGC 4993 far, far away, two galactic corpses of deceased stars smashed and created a glorious light show along with a new black hole. For 130 million years, the waves of light generated by the titanic explosion travelled across spacetime until they appeared on the 17th of August 2017 as a tiny reddish twinkling on our sky. For a long time, detecting a collision of two neutron stars was merely a wet dream of many astronomers, but with the invention of the LIGO (Laser Interferometer Gravitational-Wave Observatory) gravitational wave detector – that made headlines last year by proving the existence of gravitational waves – this dream came true. Firstly, the ripples in spacetime generated by the dramatic collision gently tickled the L-shaped arms of the LIGO observatory. Only two seconds later, a NASA telescope detected a sudden burst of gamma radiation, proving that gravitational waves travel at the speed of light. Moments later, observatories around the world were directing their telescopes towards the galaxy NGC 4993 to see the precious fragile twinkling on the sky that would revolutionise the world of astronomy. The event finally proved that these collapsing stars are the creators of metals like gold and titanium – neutron-rich elements that are now known to form supernovas. But as physicists are shedding tears of joy, alchemists weep and furiously hurl their philosopher’s stones into the darkest corners of their heretical laboratories, as it takes much more to convert hydrogen into gold. The story begins with two massive stars orbiting around each other for millions of years like two good old friends. But one of them is much older and eventually tragically depletes all its hydrogen and helium fuel. In its last desperate attempt to survive, it starts fusing heavier elements at its core, until it is unable to support its own mass and dramatically collapses under its own gravity. The rapid collapse provokes an enormous shockwave that violently rips the star apart, generating one final colossal explosion known as the supernova. As the matter is being fired away to the surrounding universe, in the scorching centre of it all, the immense pressure smashes the protons and electrons together, creating a dense core composed entirely of tightly packed neutrons. The titanic explosion of the supernova left behind a tiny bizarre object of 20 km in diameter, full of quantum eccentricity, known as a neutron star. The whole star is rapidly rotating around its own axis, emitting two blinding beams as a double galactic lighthouse. The matter of the neutron star is so densely compressed, that one cubic centimetre weights more than 1 billion tonnes and its gravitational field is about 200 billion times stronger than on Earth. This immense gravitational pull of the newly formed neutron star starts attracting the neighbouring star, parasitizing on it and depleting it of its energy source. Eventually, the star is violently forced to collapse, explode and transform into a second neutron star, which then vindictively smashes with its cannibalising neighbour, tragically dying in an event which is today known as the biggest explosion in the universe. Science & Environment Editor: Deborah Gillard Humans are Killing a Giant Insect Ecosystem I nsects are the most successful and diverse group of organisms in the world. It doesn’t matter if looking at them makes your skin crawl, there are an estimated 30 million different species of creepy crawlies; inhabiting 6 out of the 7 continents in land, air and sea. They form the basis of many ecosystems and are key in pollination. A new German study has unearthed the truth behind the decline in the insect population. It was found that there has been a decrease of around 75 % in the insect population since 1989. This decrease built upon the anecdotal windscreen hypothesis, as commuters found less insects spattered across their headlights and windscreens on long journeys. This study focussed on 63 nature reserves all over Germany with 1,500 samples taken. Although reasons behind this are not fully known, it is thought that the growth of industrialised farming over the last 90 years and the increase of insecticide and pesticide use is to blame for this decrease in numbers. As insects are key pollinators for plants such as fruit crops and wild plants like flowers, their decline might decrease as well or change the way these plants are pollinated. Insects are also usually found on the bottom tier of many food chains, and are eaten by many larger organisms, which in turn are eaten by larger organisms and so on. Without these insects, there will be a massive decrease in pollination, for these crops to act as a food source as well as the insects themselves being a food source. This decrease has already had knock-on effects on the ecosystem with 60 % of birds relying on insects as a food source. There has been a decrease of around 50 % in Britain’s farmland birds, and birds such as the Grey Partridge (whose diet depends on insects) has decreased by 95 % in population in the last 30 years. With the growth of the human race – predictions of 9 billion and 11 billion humans in 2050 and 2100 – there is a greater need for food. Whilst grains are pollinated through the wind, without insects there will be a decrease in pollination of fruit crops and seed production. If this continues to have effects on the food chain, it will become increasingly difficult for humans to sustainably produce crops. So maybe next time you go to swat a fly, you’ll think again! Collapsing stars, creators of gold and titanium Photo by Photocrowd Photo by NASA Goddard Space Flight Center (Flickr) By Tab Gerry p.8

arts culture fashion lifestyle food gaming technology IV. 0 8 - 1 1 - 2 0 1 7

p. 10 22

p. 11 intro Highlights Whisky: The Water of Life A drinker’s guide to scotch whisky Birth of the Brotherhood Where did the Brotherhood of Assassins originate? Loving Vincent The master painter captured in film Do Art Forms Go Extinct? We discover the archaeological value of masterpieces Fit Tae Dee and See Join us in explorng the Broch find the IV. on social media. Look us up at /ivmagazine Editors Alex Kither & Mira Bagaeen IV Editors Arts - Grant Lawrie Life and Style - Metodej Novotny Gaming and Tech - Daniel Fenn-Tye Alba - Antonia Uri Head of Production Juliette Schroeder Creative Consultant Kevin Mathew Copy Editors Uju Ofomata Ebba Strutzenbladh Illustrator Andrew Meechan team facebook/thegaudie | go_gaudie | @the_gaudie his puffing prince is no pigeon He is a grouse. Famous, he may be; Proud, certainly. But for his doting spouse He’s just a raging alcoholic. -Grant Lawrie

p. 12 life and style | alcohol Whisky h a s a thousand and one beloved qualities and dates back as far as 1494, when it was first mentioned in a recipe for, surprise, aqua vitae. “Uisge Beathe”, the Gaelic word for Water of Life, is quite possibly not only the origin of the name, but also of its reputation as the most reliable, if debatable, pain relief, remedy against colds and most other daily ailments, and your obvious poison of choice on a rustic Scottish winter evening (or every other Wednesday). We don’t know exactly what divine inspiration led to its invention, but like so often in history, the beverage we all know and love is most likely to have been discovered, rather than created. Our best guess is that a surplus of barley forced farmers to get creative, so that they accidentally found the key to successful whisky production. Historically speaking, whisky has had a rather rocky road to overcome. Over most of the 16th up to the beginning of the 19th century, whisky was so heavily taxed and restricted that most of the production took place in illegal distilleries, called “illicit stills”. It wasn’t until the 1800s that its popularity finally gained foot since the parliament thankfully eased more and more of the restrictions surrounding licensing in 1823 and gave way to eternal world domination of whisky. Therefore, whisky is now produced almost everywhere in the world. You could easily get a dram of local Japanese, Taiwanese, Indian, American, Canadian, Australian and Irish whisky, and give your taste buds a great experience too. However, since we are in Scotland, and so close to the highlands no less, it is essential for any whisky lover to have at least tried some of the most original whiskies made in the oldest distilleries in the world, among them Bowmore, Strathisla, and Oban. Being so close to the roots of our favourite drink, it is worth mentioning the five more or less official Scottish whisky regions: Speyside, the highlands, the lowlands, Islay and Campbeltown. Of course, every region inherently has its own local style, yet naturally some credit does also go to the individual distilleries. Generally, however, as a rule of thumb lowland whisky is said to be light and grassy, Speyside rather fruity and floral, the highlands have a rich and spicy taste, Islay more smoky and maritime, and Campbeltown is said to have a specific maritime fruity style with a light peatiness. We appreciate that the whisky-related jargon might not be as prevalent as the taste for the beverage itself. Thus, let us illuminate the way to highly sophisticated post-dinner conversation, to snobbish know-it-all-ness that will elevate your position at any party. To shine with your knowledge of the production process of the drink everyone was just about to ignorantly quaff whole, pour yourself a wee dram, nose it, taste it and indulge it while we explain. The production of whisky is very similar to the production of beer: firstly, the barley is steeped in water to let it germinate, leading the seeds to a stage of almost sprouting and thus converting the starches into sugar. At this point they are cruelly prevented from doing so and dried to end the germination process. This is traditionally done on huge malting floors, where the barley is spread out evenly and heated from below. In some cases, this is done with peat fires to achieve a smoky and earthy flavour which less experienced whisky drinkers lovingly call a mouthful of dirt and which can be found in many peated whiskies like those from Islay, for instance. This process is called malting and takes about five days. Then, the Malt is milled into a sort of coarse flour, the grist, which is mixed with warm water in big tanks to extract the sugars. This is usually repeated about three times, while increasing the temperature of the water, until yeast can be added to the resulting sweet solution, the wort. The yeast turns the sugar into alcohol. This is called fermentation, and takes two to four days culminating in something similar to a strong beer of about 8% called wash. This is then filled into the characteristic copper stills to start the actual distillation. This step is where the alcohol content is raised: Alcohol vapours rise to the top of the pot still and then run through a tube called condenser, where the vapour is cooled to become liquid again. After the first time the distillation liquid has about 25% alcohol, after the second time it arrives at an about 70% strong ‘New make spirit’, a clear liquid which is then filled into oak casks for maturation. This last step of whisky production is what gives different whiskies their character. The individual cask will give the whisky its own distinctive flavour and colour. It has to have matured for at least three years to get rid of unwanted flavour compounds and impurities and to add new complex flavours to the whisky. During the maturation period, about 2 % of volume actually evaporate each year, but not to worry, to make us feel better about it this is called ‘Angle’s Share’. Take it as a tribute to the whisky gods to provide us with a good drink after all this hard work. There are loads of different kinds of whisky, more than is reasonable to list here in fear of losing the attention of our entire readership, so here are the two best known types: Single Malt and Blend. As the name implies, Single Malts are whiskies produced in one single distillery. There are various guidelines to the preparation of this holy water. The only ingredients used are water, malted barley and yeast. The cask size must not exceed 700 litres, it must be matured for at least three years and its alcoholic strength has to be at least 40 %. In short: the final product better be worth the time and effort of the making. Generally, Single Malts are thought to be the darling of the whiskies, being more expensive and more prestigious than Blends. This is mostly due to the demanding production process of Malt whiskies in comparison to the much easier and cheaper process of blending grain and malt whiskies. Blends still comply with the rule of at least 40 % alcohol and three years maturation, while being more popular and produced most probably because they are more accessible. Of course, there are always exceptions; Blends with a high malt percentage might well present competition for some pricey Single Malts. But really, good whisky can be found in the unlikeliest of places, no matter the price. In the end it all comes down to personal preference and practice. In other words: tasting many, many whiskies. Sláinte! Whisky: The Water of Life

p. 13 life and style | food Food. The very word makes my stomach rumble. From fry ups to stake pies and everything in between. I mean, it’s what makes life that much more… delicious. The thing is though, when you become a student, food suddenly just stops coming out of nowhere. And we need to buy it, prepare it, cook it, eat it, then clean up the mess we made before our flatmates leave passive aggressive notes lying around. What if I told you that I had a very simple recipe that can be tailored to the exact dietary requirements of a hungry student be he skint, vegan or even hungover. The feast I lay before you: Lasagne. Yes, imagine it now. Layers of succulent beef (or Quorn) covered in cheese and those velvety sheets of pasta and the flare of sun-ripened tomatoes. I came across this recipe by chance. You see, I wasn’t always the savy second year I am now, and was once a humble fresher. One cold night, hungry, tired and desperate for something besides pot noodles or pizza, I stumbled into Morrison’s like a zombie, aimlessly wandering the aisles until an apparition in the form of a butcher came up me and asked in a thick Aberdenonian accent, “you awright there lad”, to which I replied “I’m looking for a good recipe”, my voice faint due to freshers flu. “Aw well, you’ve come to the right place ken” and this hero, butcher of Morrison’s, wrote down for me the following recipe “that’ll cure you lad” and well, I survived to tell the tale. The recipe was how to make Lasagne. Not just any lasagne, no. You see, this recipe has been passed down from Morrison’s butcher to occasional Morrison’s customer for - well, it only happened once... Dumplings come in as many ways as a rainbow has colours. Savoury, sweet, with veg, fried, deep fried, boiled or steamed to list just a few. Not a lot of people, however, know that we, Mongolians, have our own variety too. It is called buuz and is the most important Mongolian dish for me. Why? Well, it is the main dish we eat during the White Moon celebration, which is Mongolian Lunar New Year. This holiday take 3 days, although the official national bank holidays are 7 days long. We eat, drink and spend time with the whole family. It is the celebration of the old year ending and the new year coming – it symbolises opportunity for new beginnings. The white Moon eve is called bituun (dark moon phase or being full). It is a day where families clean their houses thoroughly and takes out any trash (you are not allowed to do so during the White Moon, as it would mean that you would take care of rubbish for the rest of the year). In the evening, families feast at the oldest family member’s house (the patron or matron of the family would collect all their children and grandchildren at their house). Appropriately, in the morning of the White Moon we visit the house of the patron or matron and greet each other, first our elders and then anyone older than you, by putting your hands under the older person’s elbows, to show respect, and saying “Амар байна уу?” (Amar baina uu?), meaning ‘Are you living peacefully?’. It is customary to greet everyone with those words. People younger than you would put their hands under your elbows. Then we proceed to the feast. Men exchange Huurug (stone made snuffboxes) with others. At the end of the visit the host gives gifts to guests. Often with greetings, guests will give money and other presents to the hosts and eldest people in the house. Such visits continue for the whole 3 days. The oldest people have around 200 guests during the festival! As you can imagine, it is a gigantic event for us and thus deserves a suitable dish. The buuz is a steamed dumpling stuffed with meat and onion mixture, seasoned with salt and pepper and other spices, depending on one’s preference. During the White Moon celebrations, one family makes around 1000-2000 dumplings because of the number of guests. My family is larger than many and yearly, around 200 people come around to celebrate throughout the 3 days. Another special thing about this dish is the way the dumplings are folded, which is that they aren’t actually folded but more ‘braided’. It looks way more appetising than a simply folded dumpling, and presentation is the first step to perfection. Even thinking of buuz makes me feel warm, just because of those memories of spending time with my family. It is a dish that will bring the biggest rivals together! 1. Dice the onions, the smaller the better. Put the mince in a bowl, add the spices, a little water and onions. Mix thoroughly with your hands or with a spoon. 2. Pour flour to another bowl, make a crater in the middle, add water (1 cup; more or less, dough mustn’t bee too sticky or too tough). Add more water or flour if necessary. Knead the dough. Set aside for 10-15 minutes. 3. Take your dough out, roll out on a non-sticky surface (just sprinkle some dry flour on the surface) and cut out circles of about 10cm diameter. Put the mixture in the middle with a spoon, about 1.5 - 2 cm from edge. Simply fold, or braid (pinch a bit of dough in between your index finger and thumb, take a bit, from the un-pinched parts, and fold pinching it with the previous one, continue till all the edges stick to each other). 4. Boil water in the bottom of the steamer. Put each dumpling in oil (only the bottom so it doesn’t stick) and place on the layers, leaving a little space in between each buuz. Repeat until you run out of space. Place the steamer layers and steam for 25 minutes. After 25 minutes turn the heat of, take the lid off and fan the dumplings for a while. Consume! Remember: do not take the lid off while steaming – it keeps the mince from cooking fully, and it may be raw in the middle! Pre-heat the oven to 200 degrees To prepare, start cooking the pasta sheets on a hob like you would regular pasta Fry the mince on a medium heat. Then add some water to the meat, and let it simmer until the mince has turned a nice brown colour. After a while, add the passata sauce and any vegetables into the pan. Let it cook for another five minutes, and during this time place the cooked lasagne sheets into a dish. With the mince a nice brown colour, set it thinly on top of the lasagne sheets, before placing more sheets on top, until you are quite satisfied or you have no more space. Once you have added your final layer of pasta, this is where the yogurt, eggs and cheese come in. Mix the yogurt with the egg yolks, and add the cheese. Then cry with the satisfaction that you can now make cheese sauce... yay! Pour this lovely mixture over the lasagna covering it in cheesy goodness before putting in the oven for another 40 minutes, or until the cheesy sheet starts to golden. Mongolian New Year Dumplings 500 grams of either beef/pork/Quorn mince I tub of Greek Natural Yogurt 4 Eggs I packet of Lasagna sheets I packet of pasatta Some cheese Lamb or beef mince (500g) Onion (1) Salt and pepper, other seasonings Flour (500g) Water Oil Utensils: Bowls, cups, spoons, steamer By Altargana Tserendemberel By Mark Kyle Happening Upon Lasagna Photos from left to right courtesy of Amazon, Sann Davison, and Look I made That

p. 14 life and style | living Hey, you. Yes – you. I see you. I appreciate you. You work hard. Exam week is on its way. Your landlord wants you to pay ridiculous amounts of money to live in that ice-cube rathole you found on Gumtree. Your friends and relatives expect perfectly quirky and/or expensive Christmas gifts. Your professors expect essays that aren’t obviously thrown together the day before the deadline. But it’s all good, because I’m here and I SEE YOU. This is an example of what you might hear if you search for ASMR on YouTube, although the person speaking to you in the video will probably focus less on the negative aspects of your life and more on how you are a wonderful, gorgeous, charming, beautiful individual with great skin and shiny hair. ASMR stands for Autonomous Sensory Meridian Response and is, well, scientific-ish. Basically, it’s an experience most often had when someone speaks to you in a whisper or low voice, giving you positive attention. The sensation on your skin is a tingling one, and usually starts on the top of your head and travels down your neck and spine – in short, it’s like getting a massage but with no one touching you. It sounds great, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, those who experience ASMR have normally done so since they were children; having your hair cut, hearing someone whisper or tapping their pencil against a table, or simply watching someone perform a trivial task very carefully – these are all examples of ‘ASMR triggers’, and most people who have the potential of experiencing this will most likely recognise what I’m talking about immediately. However, do not despair if this is all new to you. Personally, I was sceptical for about the first ten videos I watched, but kept going since it helped me fall asleep. Now I get it 100 % – and so could you! There is already an ‘ASMR-community’ waiting for you on YouTube. The most popular one by far is GentleWhispering, but others include ASMRrequests WhispersRed and Heather Feather. You can get tutorials and role-plays, as well as the sound of rain or someone tapping their fingers against a piece of paper. For the most part, videos will be based around health and beauty-related topics, and it’s fair to assume that the bigger channels are sponsored as often as other famous YouTubers are. Regardless, for those less interested in different brands of foundation and how to apply it, there are plenty of videos about everything from cooking to taking a trip to Venice. So, you need: Internet on your phone (YouTube and Spotify both work, but most ‘ASMR-tists’ are on YouTube). Headphones. A room of your own. An unprejudiced mind. Yes, that last one IS vital. Why? Because this is weird stuff. You will have Weird Stuff whispered into your ear, for example about how amazing you are at folding towels, or about how your element is earth and how that somehow means that liquid eyeliner suits you better than pencil and that your future spouse will be a Capricorn. This is not the time to be critical. It is the time to lay back and ignore that essay a little longer. After all, we are constantly expected to critically analyse everything in our everyday life; we are for or against some radical party gaining more and more votes in our country, we call something fake news and something else normal news, we ask ourselves if we really can like both of someone’s recently posted photos on Instagram. It is not too much to ask to go to bed at night and put that mindset aside, in favour of the ASMRworld of skin assessments and towel-folding tutorials. So, when someone whispers in your ear that the two crystals in their hands are sensing your energy and that your energy in particular happens to be AWESOME, I think you should try to embrace it. I’m sure your energy is very nice indeed. By Ebba Strutzenbladh Learning to Relax: The World of ASMR By Liana Takacova When you are flipping through a health magazine, your attention shall be cracked into a trillion pieces in order to obtain all the information claiming to be saving your life. By using certain cosmetic brands, you are proclaimed to be saving the bees, rain forests, but most importantly, you are helping yourself to be more healthy! You are being educated at the speed of light and this education never ends. Some information stays with you for life, some just for a brief moment. For instance, the advice that you should wear your new bra three times before you wash it in the washing machine for the first time, might in your head meet with the question: what did my mum used to do? My answer would be that my mum never washed a bra in the washing machine. If I used further memory data, I would realise that my grandma did not have a washing machine and that my great grandma did not own a bra. Therefore, this new wisdom contradicting your mum’s advice on bras will evaporate within a moment. At other times, you come across encouragements to change your eating habits. Propaganda on coconut oil won’t meet in your head with mum’s advice. Mum didn’t know about the existence of coconut oil, but the health magazine does. The coconut oil in recent years represents literally an obsession. You have it on your plate, in your hair and on your skin; with coconut oil, the healthy lifestyle education reaches its peak. With this excitement (and coconuts) in mind, thinking “I found the way to be saved!”, one turns a blind eye on the comedogenic aspect (it blocks the pores, so your skin cannot breathe) and the highest attribute in saturated fats from all the oils. Amen. Unfortunately, there is no serum which can guarantee the beauty and health. It’s about balance rather than the focus on one kind of ingredient. Such a concern with just one product might do you as much harm as consuming far too many ingredients. The middle path is the way. The consumption of a smaller amount of ingredients allow your body to make a proper use of them. Imagine that you have a lunch which contains 25 different kinds of foods. In theory, your body would need to produce a huge amount of chemical reactions in order to deal with each ingredient separately, but that is not what happens. We have one stomach, one liver and a certain amount of energy, which has your brain reserved for digestion, and that’s why many of the substances just pass through our bodies. The same is valid for cosmetics. The term ‘natural cosmetics’ indicates products that are totally handmade, have as few ingredients as possible and are sold by small producers. For some reason we tend to have faith in goods made in our home country or in the fair-trade indulgence-effect signs. Sometimes the pretty appearance of cosmetic products hits us with the idea: this will make me look prettier! However, it is still just about the ingredients. Trust given to the knowledge of ingredients instead of an impression will reward you with beauty. Original since always. Registered trademark of Earth. In case of complaint, please contact the Fairy of Natural Cosmetics. Nevertheless, faut souffrir pour être belle. Back in the days hair were washed in vinegar or beer, honey and eggs were applied on skin, and hot oil on nails. Ergo, the mild suffering of the natural cosmetics nowadays does not lay in its horrible smell but rather in the challenge of changing your shopping habits. Approaching the hobby of shopping from a different angle means to be creative. The real natural cosmetics are so rare in comparison to everything that lies on the shelves of drugstores that you need to search them out... The best thing is to verbally communicate with people around you. And what is it you will be looking for in your cosmetics? As there are really just a few things your skin actually benefits from, in the case of facial cream there needs to be an oil base. For example, wheat oil is a great alternative to coconut oil. It is not comedogenic and it has the most vitamin E of all the oils. Even while reading a description of a natural product, you come across scary names like emulsifier and glycerine. Bee wax being an emulsifier is an important ingredient for connecting the molecules of water with molecules of oil. Glycerine can be obtained from rape seed oil and it helps to hydrate the skin. So nothing to be scared of. In addition, some herbs are added as they have their own super powers, be it calming you down or bringing your concentration back. None of the ingredients are poisonous and therefore you can spread the almond night cream on your morning toast, if you feel like it. Generally speaking, eating healthy is the natural cosmetics itself. We are what we eat. As you punish your liver with too much booze, you do the same thing with too many unnecessary ingredients in your facial cream. Using natural cosmetics does not have much effect on us when we eat potato chips on a daily basis, breathe polluted air and do not give our body and mind regular siestas or exercise. But still, it is an effort which can send us in the right direction. It is up to you how much importance you give to this effort. A vegan cyclist can be a smoker and a diabetic at the same time, and it doesn’t make him a schizophrenic, right? Faut Souffrir Pour Être Belle Cosmetics Natural

p. 15 life and style | travel Be ‘there’ Cambodia, Mexico, Cape Town or Kent, the differences are in the details, which might take years to detect and understand, and differences are stunningly clear from the instant you dazedly step from the airport. But what is in- between? The list is endless – language, weather, geographical and cultural differences, differences in humour, beauty ideals, attitudes towards the environment, to name a few. Allow me to demonstrate. Let’s take… Denmark! Name: Emilie Maja Kellmer. Hometown: Aalborg, Denmark. Age: 22. Occupation: Student. Countries lived in: Denmark, Greenland, Portugal, Chile and Scotland. Time spent in Aberdeen: 10 weeks. Being Anthropology students interested in culture and travelling, Emilie and I quickly found each other. It was a matter of time before I managed to persuade her to meet me for a drink and exchange stories of our travels. Having moved around with her family, partaken in school exchange programmes and travelled independently, it’s safe to say that she has experienced cultural differences first hand. Emilie elaborated on a few social changes between Aberdeen and Denmark… Firstly, drinking culture can reflect many layers of difference, and thus provide much cultural information about a society. Britain is famous for quick but feisty parties and the constant flow of (heavy) casual day drinking. “Pub quizzes are great over here. It’s nice to chill out in a pub over a daytime beer without the idea to get drunk necessarily,” Emilie says. “Back home we may start a flat party at 9pm, then go out at 2am to a pub or nightclub and return after breakfast in the morning. Of course it ruins a Sunday but nonetheless, we drink for fun literally all night and that’s what people do… If you’re meeting during the day or early evening, we have late night cafés and drink coffee”. What does this correlate to in a broader sense? To take Spain as a contrasting example, we’ll find that alcohol partners food as a symbol of a celebratory occasion with friends and relatives at any time of day and is rarely abused as a tool to get drunk. I think we Britons would agree that this isn’t always the case of a midweek sesh continuing on from The Bobbin. Denmark, on the other hand, appears to introduce alcohol exclusively in party settings. However, parties are more friendly, controlled and long lasting; clubs close at sunrise, entries are generally free, crime rate is low and the youth are educated on safe drinking, resulting in young people being independent, street smart and aware. Drinking aside, Danish youths are provided with opportunities to improve their wits from a young age. Emilie educated me on Denmark’s school system, which cannot go unmentioned! Folkeskole begins at five or six years of age and goes on until 15 or 16 years, which completes the ten years of compulsory education. From this point students have a number of options: i) continue education on a vocational apprenticeship ii) complete a year of boarding school iii) participate on a youth exchange programme, or iiii) continue onto gymnasium for three years of further education. Students within the above brackets ii and iii generally follow gymnasium school after the gap year. In Emilie’s case, she took part in a youth exchange programme at age 16, which meant an academic year abroad in Chile. There, she lived with a local family and attended the local school. Hitting the ground running she was forced to learn Spanish, an ability that is now hers, and behave according to new social rules. This could be a nightmare just as much as a dream for a 16-yearold away from home for the first time, but Emilie smiles and sits comfortably retelling stories from this year. “I’m glad I took that year 8000 miles away from home! Not only did I learn fluent Spanish – I literally made a new family. It’s common in my country to leave home at 16 years, however, so it’s not exactly so impressive to have these experiences.” I pushed to know more about the youth exchange and if this is a landmark that sculpts the future for young Danes. “Defiantly! I came home a new person. I discovered anthropology there – now I’m here in Scotland as an anthropology student. It’s lifechanging, going abroad; you learn who you are because you learn your perspective in the world. Suddenly you’re not unstoppable, but a person who understands reality and your place here. You come home more relaxed… understanding and independent. Yeah. (laughs)” What’s between there..... and here? Photos from left to right courtesy of iM Academy, Fair Observer, and Wikimedia Commons

p. 16 arts | performance This autumn’s ballet at His Majesty’s Theatre, presented by the Scottish Ballet company, is a recreation of Sir Kenneth MacMillan’s The Fairy’s Kiss followed by a modern take on the twentieth century classic The Rite of Spring, both scores from the infamously acclaimed composer Igor Stravinsky. Ukrainian born Stravinsky is an icon of twentieth century music who redefined the parameters of the traditional orchestra with his unconventional approach to instrumentation, rhythmic experimentation and construction of distinctive melodic ideas throughout his diverse body of work. It was exactly these traits that made The Rite of Spring such a bold and divisive piece, with its Paris début famously causing riots amongst the audience. Whilst this rendition presented by Scottish Ballet did not provoke riots, it still manages to embody that same shocking value through the use of movement and design to create an aweinspiring, if not somewhat disturbing, performance. The choreography in The Rite of Spring is aggressive and evokes a deep sense of despair within the viewer as they watch the relationship between two brothers turn from jovial friendship to abusive imprisonment. This tension was palpable in the room as the dancers contorted their exposed limbs to irregular rhythms punctuated by dissonant chords. In achieving this sense of alienation amongst the spectators, the company made the most of an effectively minimalist mise-enscène. The avoidance of colour, instead opting for black and white costume pitched against a pure white backdrop, created an effect of chiaroscuro with the figures moving across the blank set like shadows trapped in a void. Another salient use of the pared down palette is seen in the costuming of the female character, who in the first act wears all white to embody faith, only to return in the second act dressed in black as the embodiment of death. Whilst remaining simple in its execution, the piece managed to place focus on the violent choreography of the piece which accompanied the score perfectly. Each element combined created a totally hypnotic sense of alienation, despair and fear within the spectator that could only truly be appreciated once the curtain fell and the house lights dimmed you back into a comfortable reality. In stark contrast, the other performance – The Fairy’s Kiss – was presented much more in the style of a typical ballet based upon the tale of a fantasy, albeit with some darker thematic tones. While The Fairy’s Kiss delves into a more sinister tone with a plot concerning seduction and abduction, the general choreography is a lot more attuned to that of a conventional ballet, creating an overall feeling of duality for the performance. The first work A Fairy’s Kiss was homage to renowned Scottish Choreographer Sir Kenneth MacMillan. The work is a restaging of MacMillan’s 1960’s choreography of The Fairy’s Kiss, his first classical work. The story for the piece was inspired by the Hans Christian Anderson tale The Ice Maiden, and Stravinsky’s composition a nod to Tchaikovsky. All together the piece is charming and avoids becoming a cliché (or even a parody of itself) through the unique nuances which emerge through the craft of all the artists involved in its creation – the literary reimagining of the fairy-tale from Anderson, the neoclassical reinterpretations of Stravinsky and the elegantly stylised choreography of MacMillan. Side by side, with a twenty minute interval between them to cleanse the palate, this double bill of Stravinsky-inspired ballet is a true spectacle which does not shy away from provoking a raw and emotive reaction from its audience. Scottish Ballet Presents: Stravinsky By Myah Oliver Photo Courtesy of Herald Scotland

p. 17 arts | artistic exploration There is a pervading sense in the air that, in the 21st century, something is dying. Sometimes, we’d think it is the environment, with the number of wildfires and earthquakes and hurricanes and floods increasing dramatically. Sometimes, it may be communication, as some people claim they feel disconnected from their community in a digital age where we are all absorbed by the 1s and 0s of flashing screens. Sometimes, it is forms of art and the way they are displayed or accessed. There have been countless discussions over whether, in this electronic, faster paced world, libraries will die out – or books themselves, or film making, the theatre, pottery making, painting, knitting, puppetry, or any of the other beautiful and intricate things people create with their hands. The fear of change can either lead to an attitude of fear, or resistance. Either you believe these art forms will evolve but always be a necessary part of society, or you believe they will cease to exist and, tragic as it may be, it is as inevitable as the next foolish tweet by Donald Trump. The world is constantly shifting and changing around us, and that can cause a sense of loss for those nostalgic about their glorious days, or a time when everything felt less artificial. There is this collective, hazy idea of a better past, where people had conversations on trains and painted murals for a living, or played warm sounding records and danced on polished mahogany floors. In contrast, ‘harder-better-faster-stronger’ seems to be the mantra of this age, where technology and scientific discoveries are progressing quickly. But to truly overcome this fear of change and embrace a new way of life, we must look back on history. Have any art forms truly gone extinct, or have they merely evolved and adapted to their cultural environments? Storytelling is an ancient art form, deeply rooted in the history of almost every culture. While the oral tradition is not widely practised in its original form today, it has been the foundation for literature, cinema and gaming. Maybe you can’t remember the last time you sat around a fire with a group of people and created a fantasy world for them all to experience through your words, but you can probably remember the last time you read a story, watched one visually unfold in front of you, or perhaps even played Dungeons and Dragons. The modes of crafting and conveying stories have altered, but stories are still being told every day. Folklore was compiled into novels; some listen to audiobooks; others play fantasy games where they interact by telling a story together in real time. Video games, in particular, enable people to enter a storyline and influence it by their actions. Rather than dying out, storytelling has become more diverse and accessible than it was originally. Cave drawings evolved into painting, sketching and etching. Society moved from drawing as a means to distribute information, to a tool to capture a still image of the world in a realistic manner. Then it was used flamboyantly, to express the deep emotions of the artist or to depict religious history. Every time a new movement occurred in the painting world, it added another facet to how people interact with art and what its purposes can be. Painting didn’t end after Expressionism or Surrealism. No one has laid down their brush for the last time ever in this world, only for nobody to ever pick one up again. The last fictional word has not been said, or written in ink, or on a typewriter, or glowing computer screen. Even if, at some point in the future, painting fades away like the tradition of oral storytelling, another form of drawing will take its place. Maybe you will whisper the names of lines and colours into a machine and watch the vision in your head taking shape. Maybe you will touch a fluid on a device I cannot imagine and shape that with your hands until it displays the image and textures you desire. Cinema did not collapse when silent films became obsolete, it expanded to suit an ever-growing young audience. Within the world of art, one aspect of dying means the start of a new, more beautiful life for the art form itself. Do Art Forms Go Extinct? By Anita Markoff

p. 18 arts | music Spend enough time with liberal arts students, social science undergraduates and general collegiate dilettanti, and you’ll probably hear them utter a curious paradox. Despite a confluence of artistic talent based inside the university bubble, and general mutterings of a nascent culture from the council upon high (‘Art is The New Oil’ after all), Aberdeen is dead. So we, the countercultural youth or what have you, are left in a weird limbo, in which those with the tools to catalyse Aberdeen into a vibrant artistic space— us! — haven’t quite got around to it yet. However, after seeing a trifecta of independent Scottish bands in this very city, I am glad to let you know that, in actuality, there is glitter in the mica, and hope for city-wide creativity yet. Drummonds, a consistent locus of upcoming sounds, hosted the three bands. Velveteen Riot started off the night, a propulsive mix of post-punk and shoegaze, ostensibly typical of the general indie circuit, although ‘derivative’ doesn’t come to mind when seeing them perform. They were more melodic and passionate than your typical nu-gaze, pure love for music their incentive rather than aloofness in the name of fashionable melancholia. Beth’s vocals echoed with clarity; guitar oozed from the amps; reverb reigned king. Coming off a gig as support for Wolf Alice, this could be seen as a more intimate audience for the band, but their precision and punk power didn’t waver. St Martiins played next, a sort of antithesis to Velveteen Riot in terms of sound, though not quality. Over sunny guitar licks and Launchpad loops Kate sang heart-wrenched lyrics in short but sweet bursts. Their music was woozy, but not to the point of dream-like laconicism. What may be low-tempo bedroom pop sounded radiant on stage.“Life is upsetting,” Katie sings, “and not that into you.” The beauty of her voice suggested otherwise. Finishing things off were The Ninth Wave, darlings of the independent circuit, idiosyncratic even for their native Glasgow scene. If their Tennyson/Kate Bush-inspired name didn’t herald the band to be a glistening gothic indie-pop outfit, then the sheer spectacle of their performance was enough. It’s the sincerity in their act which sells it, a combination of ridiculously cool components (analogue Moog? Makeup-laden frontman à la New Romantics? Berets?) that shine through their maximalist rock. They controlled the stage when playing, Haydn strutting with lavender-purple electric guitar in hand, strumming anthemic chords and melody lines into the dark of the venue. Frequently he’d step towards Elina— co-lead guitar/vocals, beret owner— and the two would riff, in synchronism. By the time they finished their set the audience was itching for an encore. These three bands provide a vertical slice of Scottish independent music, be it the atmospheric rawness of Velveteen Riot, the summery indie-pop of St Martiins or the gothic indie-rock of The Ninth Wave. But despite their sonic differences they all point to a vibrant underground music scene. Although not all Aberdeen-based in any sense, the fact they lugged their way up to the distant north-east signifies a pivot for this city, a potential transformation from dishevelled urban husk towards a hub of active culture. Believe me, there is an abundance of artistic experience in Aberdeen, hidden away beneath it’s grey surface shell. The Ninth Wave, St. Martiins & Velveteen Riot By Ian Macartney Photo Courtesy of Velveteen Riot

p. 19 arts | media There is undoubtedly something sad about an opera gathering only a handful of viewers on the same week that a stand-up comedian performs in front of a sold-out auditorium. However, for Greg Davies, this was surely a great starting point for the evening. The 49-year-old comedian, whose UK tour, The Magnificent Beast, is his biggest so far, brought with him the support act, Barry Castagnola. Like most warm-up performers, Castagnola was doomed to be a disappointment. While it does take talent to make an audience laugh by just reading out dry statistics about Aberdeen, ultimately, Barry was forgotten before even Greg Davies entered the stage. Davies, on the other hand, was entirely deserving of both a full audience and their generous applause. Telling tales of his mother (who had expressly requested he didn’t), the giant blue teddy bear/frog hybrid, his late father’s sense of humour and adventures with London taxi drivers, Davies made the hour fly by as the audience was left gasping for breath. Interestingly, though the audience did contain a number of students and general young people, the prevalent demographic appeared to be those of middle age and beyond. Perhaps, considering the local economy, young viewers simply chose cheaper pleasures? Or maybe comedians, whose main exposure comes from TV shows and panel games, just don’t draw in a younger, less TV-oriented crowd? Be that as it may, Greg Davies performance was a delightful – if, at times, disturbing – comedy of reality melting into nonsense. One thing no one will likely forget is the aforementioned bear, which appeared at the last minute to chase Davies off stage, and onwards to his next performance. Greg Davies You Magnificent Beast By Chris McKinnon Claire Keegan in Aberdeen The acclaimed short story writer Claire Keegan came to visit the University of Aberdeen last week and was warmly greeted by a packed room of staff and literature students at the Humanity Manse. The writer began the evening by reading an extract from ‘Foster’, her most recently published short story from 2010. It was interesting that, as she read, the writer communicated an almost-reluctance to be going back over the words in company. She later went on to note that she does not enjoy the promotional side of being a writer, which perhaps goes some way as an explanation. What Keegan seemed really to be there for were the questions from the crowd which followed her reading. With these she engaged much more passionately than she had the reading, and the degree of thought and scrutiny with which she answered each question suggests why her writing is so impactful. A question about whether she believed creative writing could be taught led her down the avenue of what it means to be a writer and why it is that someone might want to write. ‘Character’, she said to this question, ‘is how you spend your time’. That soundbite stuck the most. Her point was that, to be a writer, you have to commit your time not only to writing, but to reading widely as well. Bearing the sentiment in mind helps to create compelling characters, and it also helps any of us struggling with an identity crisis. Each of us in attendance was grateful to share an evening with such a complex and inspirational figure – it is no stretch to see where her widely acclaimed works have sprung from. By Darryl `Peers Photo Courtesy of Greg Davies Photo Courtesy of Dublin City Unversity

p. 20 arts | film By Kevin Mathew Loving Vincent By Enxhi Mandija Watching ‘Loving Vincent’ is like no other cinematic experience. The plot is simple: Armand Roulin, the son of postman Joseph Roulin, one of the few friends of Vincent Van Gogh in Arles, inquires about the artist’s death as he meets many of the figures important to him during his last days in Auvers-sur-l’Oise. What is unique about this movie, though, and what makes it such a peculiar experience, is its creation: each of the 65,000 frames have been oil painted by more than 100 artists, attempting to reproduce Van Gogh’s distinctive style. Loving Vincent is an ‘animated’ movie in the most literal way. Van Gogh’s paintings simply come to life, colours and brushstrokes dancing and flickering like flames, as much a part of the story as the action taking place. Many of Van Gogh’s most famous paintings surface in the film, animated and woven into the story. It is a truly novel joy to watch those paintings that you’ve seen silent in a book, poster or gallery come to life before you on the big screen. The movie exquisitely captures Van Gogh’s ability to transfer onto the canvas his own peculiar view of the objects, landscapes and people around him, conveying the deep and conflicting emotions they whispered to him. In all of his works, Van Gogh captured the images of his life – hills, fields, friends and acquaintances; in short, whatever held any beauty or truth to his eye. The concept alone of a work like ‘Loving Vincent’, with its huge team dedicating years of work (and litres of oil paint!), makes it a moving and gorgeous homage to the ‘father of modern art’. The Death of Stalin throws upon us the re-birth of satire. It begins – spoiler alert! – just before the tyrant’s death, presenting to us a Soviet Union with a funny twist that the regime never had in 1953. With incessant wit, the film accurately captures the incompetence, greed, and opulence that forever supplements both contemporary and traditional politics. A swift demise tends to conclude the lives of iconic figures in history; for Stalin, the stroke was less than kind, made only worse by the parody of the Russian politicians of the Soviet inner circle vying for power. By efficiently manipulating Stalin’s daughter, Svetlana, into compliance and stabbing her conspiracy-preaching brother, Vasily, the politicians make their farcical approach towards the Kremlin. Through the elegant notes of Tchaikovsky, the opening scene sets the beat of the film, eloquently exposing the absurdity, cruelty and charade that tyrannical communism embodies. The movie is commendably filmed, though falls short in some respects, particularly with its attempt at mixing modern and traditional filming styles, which mesh less than seamlessly. However, the skilfully syncopated timing and breakneck dialogue beautifully draws out the intricacies and irrationality of the totalitarian establishment in question. Fortunately, with the big bear gone, the cubs finally get their chance to play. But who needs a film to capture the reality of a Trump/May epoch? (Apologies for strutting away from the film review and citing our post-modern catastrophe, but it is not out of place). Better laugh while you can, because we’re still in May-day.

p. 21 arts | film Directed by Destin Daniel Cretton, The Glass Castle is based on a heartbreaking memoir novel by Jeannette Walls, played by Brie Larson. Raising children is never an easy feat: this biopic presents us with a dysfunctional family driven by the parents’ desire for freedom, a desire which ultimately traps their children. Acting, in the movie, is a triumph: Woody Harrelson (playing the father, Rex) and Larson are extremely convincing in their portrayals of the different emotions experienced as a result of this unusual family dynamic. The family lives in extreme poverty, but the children are distracted from the lack of food and adequate shelter in their lives by their father’s plans to build a glass castle. They are encouraged to dream, but not allowed to follow through or question their father’s authority. As a result, they are forced to grow up quickly in order to survive and escape. Destin Daniel Cretton, known for 2013’s movie Short Term 12, helps the viewer to understand the children’s conflicting feelings for their parents through the use of flashbacks. Jeannette is able to reflect on the good and bad memories of her childhood, all the while managing the trauma as an adult who still remains in contact with her parents. Though criticisms may be levelled at the message of the somewhat disappointing ending, the film succeeds in portraying the difficulties that abused children can experience as adults in a world they were never prepared for and, for this reason alone, is a movie worth watching. The Glass Castle By Alba Farr Photo Courtesy of Curious Curious Dot

p. 22 gaming and tech | video games Assassin’s Creed Origins is an action/ adventure game by Ubisoft and the 10th instalment in the Assassins’ Creed series, released October 27th. Set against the breath-taking backdrop of Ancient Egypt; Origins looks set to take the world by storm, and I for one can’t wait to get my hands on it. Let me tell you why. From the lush Nile Delta to the barren sands of the White Desert, Origins is visually stunning, and Ancient Egypt has lots to offer in the way of gameplay. There are pyramids to scale, tombs to raid, and underwater treasure troves to explore, though you may want to watch out for the crocodiles. And of course, there are your standard Assassin’s Creed plot twists and various enemies that need to be dealt with. Naturally, being the hero of the game, this becomes your primary responsibility as you set out to get revenge on the leaders who have taken over your village and are reigning terror over the people. I’ve long been a fan of the Assassin’s series and have greatly been anticipating this latest instalment. After the success of Syndicate (with a Metacritic score of 76), Ubisoft decided to take a break from their annual release in order to give the series more of an overhaul. Fans had been starting to get restless, what with the fairly minor changes that each new game brings and the mundane repetitiveness of the series as a whole. Personally, I thought Syndicate was a fantastic game. I loved the Frye twins, and I thoroughly enjoyed roaming through Victorian London. However, many fans felt that the minor tweaks being made with each new game hadn’t been addressing some of the broader issues, in particular the combat mechanics, which can seem a little clunky at times. And yes, it is somewhat amusing watching a crowd of enemies gather around you only to wait and attack one at a time, but it does lack a little bit of a challenge, something that fans have been hoping would be dealt with for some time now. Thankfully this is something that Ubisoft has put some thought into, there is now more emphasis on blocking and dodging attacks rather than just repeatedly ‘hitting’, and enemies will attack at the same time rather than just stand around you, a welcome change for most of us who have been playing for some time. Assassin’s Creed has always been a stealth game, and conceptually, Origins is no different; this action/adventure involves the completion of various quests in the format of the linear scenarios we’ve become used to, as well as the ability to free roam across the open world (no change there) of Ancient Egypt where there are various side quest and objectives, collectables to gather and experience points to gain. While the format of the game is pretty much what we’ve come to expect from the Assassin’s Creed series over the years, there have been minor changes. Following on from Syndicate, Origins has an XP based system that involves unlocking various rewards from a skill tree which is branched across hunter, warrior and seer, and gives you abilities such as creating sleep darts or the regeneration of health during battles. It is easy to gain experience points throughout the game; however, it has now become much more crucial to stick to the level guidance set for missions. Higher level enemies are much more of a problem in Origins, and even the stealthiest of players are likely to make little dent in an enemy’s health, making levelling up far more important and to some extent increasing the overall difficulty of the game. The charming new lead Bayek is a respected protector of the community and the last remaining medjay; an elite military force that existed in the 18th dynasty of the New Kingdom. Being a medjay, Bayek is highly trained in combat and wields a variety of weapons from the classic Assassin’s tool; the hidden blade, to various bows, shields and swords, including an Egyptian sickle sword known as a khopesh. In addition to this, Bayek has the ability to tame various wild animals and use them to attack his enemies (if you choose to unlock this feature on the skill tree). But what about Eagle vision? the trusted ability we rely on to detect hidden enemies and plan our stealth attacks. The good news is that this is still a feature within the game and something that the developers have been working on. It has also been tweaked to better fit with the origin story of the Assassins. Bayek has a symbiotic relationship with his Eagle Senyu who will come to his call and you the player can then fly around an area and mark enemies which will remain highlighted upon return to Bayek. So as well as the beautiful and luscious landscape of Ancient Egypt. we have an interesting new lead character and some exciting gameplay changes and though I admit I’ve had limited time with the game myself. From what I’ve seen and read, I’m very excited to play this, and I hope I’ve managed to whet your appetite and that you will try the game out for yourself. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. An Homage to Open World Gaming By Michael McKean Photo Courtesy of RodrixAO (Flickr)

p. 23 gaming and tech | video games This October was the month of the AAA game. It has been a long time since such a massive number of high profile games were released in such a short time period. For those who have not been paying attention, this October was riddled with titles that were hyped up to near No Man’s Sky levels. Titles such as: Middle-Earth: Shadow of War, The Evil Within 2, Assassin’s Creed Origins, Super Mario Odyssey, and Wolfenstein II: The New Colossus, (Not to mention Call of Duty: WWII released the 3rd of November). I would love to write about all of these titles but sadly I have only so much time, and only so much money, so for now Middle-Earth: Shadow of War will have to do. The first major game released in October was Middle-Earth: Shadow of War, published by WB Games and the sequel to the highly praised Middle-Earth: Shadow of Mordor. As the title suggests, both games are set in the world of J. R. R. Tolkien’s Lord of the Rings. They are, however, not true to the story and are full of disconnects to the original books. You play as Talion, a ranger of Gondor, who happens to be possessed by the spirit of the elf Celebrimbor (long story). “Together” you fight to defeat Sauron and his minions. Featuring Arkham-style, hit-counter combat, this primarily singleplayer game has you travelling the world while completing missions and fighting orc or even troll captains. A variety of skills and abilities can be unlocked to spice up the gameplay and allow for a different approach each fight. Shadow of War has been the subject of controversy surrounding the microtransactions involved in the online mode, a feature that nobody asked for. I could spend ages explaining the degree of annoyance these microtransactions have given me, but I will ignore them and for the purpose of this review pretend they don’t exist. On the surface, Shadow of War is truly amazing. It looks wonderful (even if similar its predecessor), it runs smoothly, and there are a wonderful number of diverse skills and features. And that’s ignoring the renowned “nemesis system”, which, in short, is a system that gives the allied and enemy captains a unique personality and creates a history between you and themselves. Numerous encounters with said captain will be remembered, they will hold grudges, betray you, and may even come back from the dead. These features make Shadow of War seem like a game of the year contender. I truly wish it was. When the surface has been scratched off and you’ve played for a number of hours, you start to see some serious flaws that were hidden by the extravagant effects and visuals. The longer you play, the more those initially epic abilities become somewhat mild. This can largely be blamed on the pacing of the game, and the lack of scaling in strength. The skills are learned too quickly; I tend to take my time doing side quests and building my strength before I work on the main story line, and I found myself having most, if not all, of the skills I wanted, not even half way through the campaign. The campaign therefore becomes a bit meaningless; you’ve got all the skills you want and completing missions is no longer of any benefit to your character. It gets repetitive a tad too soon. The campaign is definitively fun, but not as enthralling as it really should have been. It all seems a bit scattered and the characters seem to fall in repetition. It is all just a little superficial, and separate questlines seem somewhat disconnected. Because of this I have yet to complete the campaign. Last but not least, there is the capturing of fortresses. You and your newly acquired allies will group up with their subordinates and fight together to capture different fortresses in Mordor. At first glance, this is everything you could hope for. Build your team to have someone to destroy the walls, someone to back you up in a fight, and maybe someone to set ablaze half of the enemy forces, and watch them rampage through the gates. An epic battle where everyone has a part to play, and you watch them do their part in the fight or fall to an unpredicted defense. But it’s never the battle of Helm’s Deep. The introduction is great, but there is no fierce entrance, no heroic charges, and no dramatic deaths. I cannot stress enough that I did in fact highly enjoy Shadow of War for a significant number of hours. But it just doesn’t live up to the hype it had created beforehand. As amazing as the initial experience is, over time it’s just not captivating enough to keep me playing as much as I did Shadow of Mordor. It does look like a fantastic Arkham-style open-world, but those looks are largely a pretty cover and a great nemesis system. Would I recommend buying Middle-Earth: Shadow of War? Amongst the recent AAA titles, no. Shadow of War is truly enjoyable, but if you’re like me, highly sensitive to repetition, it is not worth its full price. Shadow of War is just not quite as good as it honestly should be. Assassin’s Creed Origins is an action/ adventure game by Ubisoft and the 10th instalment in the Assassins’ Creed series, released October 27th. Set against the breath-taking backdrop of Ancient Egypt; Origins looks set to take the world by storm, and I for one can’t wait to get my hands on it. Let me tell you why. From the lush Nile Delta to the barren sands of the White Desert, Origins is visually stunning, and Ancient Egypt has lots to offer in the way of gameplay. There are pyramids to scale, tombs to raid, and underwater treasure troves to explore, though you may want to watch out for the crocodiles. And of course, there are your standard Assassin’s Creed plot twists and various enemies that need to be dealt with. Naturally, being the hero of the game, this becomes your primary responsibility as you set out to get revenge on the leaders who have taken over your village and are reigning terror over the people. I’ve long been a fan of the Assassin’s series and have greatly been anticipating this latest instalment. After the success of Syndicate (with a Metacritic score of 76), Ubisoft decided to take a break from their annual release in order to give the series more of an overhaul. Fans had been starting to get restless, what with the fairly minor changes that each new game brings and the mundane repetitiveness of the series as a whole. Personally, I thought Syndicate was a fantastic game. I loved the Frye twins, and I thoroughly enjoyed roaming through Victorian London. However, many fans felt that the minor tweaks being made with each new game hadn’t been addressing some of the broader issues, in particular the combat mechanics, which can seem a little clunky at times. And yes, it is somewhat amusing watching a crowd of enemies gather around you only to wait and attack one at a time, but it does lack a little bit of a challenge, something that fans have been hoping would be dealt with for some time now. Thankfully this is something that Ubisoft has put some thought into, there is now more emphasis on blocking and dodging attacks rather than just repeatedly ‘hitting’, and enemies will attack at the same time rather than just stand around you, a welcome change for most of us who have been playing for some time. Assassin’s Creed has always been a stealth game, and conceptually, Origins is no different; this action/adventure involves the completion of various quests in the format of the linear scenarios we’ve become used to, as well as the ability to free roam across the open world (no change there) of Ancient Egypt where there are various side quest and objectives, collectables to gather and experience points to gain. While the format of the game is pretty much what we’ve come to expect from the Assassin’s Creed series over the years, there have been minor changes. Following on from Syndicate, Origins has an XP based system that involves unlocking various rewards from a skill tree which is branched across hunter, warrior and seer, and gives you abilities such as creating sleep darts or the regeneration of health during battles. It is easy to gain experience points throughout the game; however, it has now become much more crucial to stick to the level guidance set for missions. Higher level enemies are much more of a problem in Origins, and even the stealthiest of players are likely to make little dent in an enemy’s health, making levelling up far more important and to some extent increasing the overall difficulty of the game. The charming new lead Bayek is a respected protector of the community and the last remaining medjay; an elite military force that existed in the 18th dynasty of the New Kingdom. Being a medjay, Bayek is highly trained in combat and wields a variety of weapons from the classic Assassin’s tool; the hidden blade, to various bows, shields and swords, including an Egyptian sickle sword known as a khopesh. In addition to this, Bayek has the ability to tame various wild animals and use them to attack his enemies (if you choose to unlock this feature on the skill tree). But what about Eagle vision? the trusted ability we rely on to detect hidden enemies and plan our stealth attacks. The good news is that this is still a feature within the game and something that the developers have been working on. It has also been tweaked to better fit with the origin story of the Assassins. Bayek has a symbiotic relationship with his Eagle Senyu who will come to his call and you the player can then fly around an area and mark enemies which will remain highlighted upon return to Bayek. So as well as the beautiful and luscious landscape of Ancient Egypt. we have an interesting new lead character and some exciting gameplay changes and though I admit I’ve had limited time with the game myself. From what I’ve seen and read, I’m very excited to play this, and I hope I’ve managed to whet your appetite and that you will try the game out for yourself. I’m sure you won’t be disappointed. Middle Earth: Shadow of War: Not What It Should Be Why Middle Earth: Shadow of War Does Not Live up to the Hype By Robert Hellersmith Birth of the Brotherhood The Origins of the Brotherhood of Assassins By Amy Shepherd Photo Courtesy of WCCoftech

p. 24 scotland | alba Photo Courtesy of Watch Me See Ah’ve mentioned afore that baith ma mither an ma faither grew up in the Broch, and Ah masel spent a large pairt o ma childhood aire. So, Ah think that it’s fair tae claim that Ah’ve got plenty tae say aboot the place! The coastal toon is aboot an hour an a half awa fae Aiberdeen by bus, but aat’s aricht considerin the bonny views o green fields an fairm animals ye get tae lay yer een upon alang the wye. In this edition, Ah’m gan tae blether aboot the things that ye can dae in oot in the fresh air in The Broch. Being a coastal quine masel, een o the best wyes tae spen a day, in ma opinion, is by the seaside - an aire’s plenty o opportunities tae dae that in The Broch! Braidsea shorie is by far the pairt o the Broch that is closest tae ma hert, nae only because o ma fond memories o puddlin aboot in the rockpools an huntin for partans, but also due tae the fact that it is simply stunnin an serene. If ye div decide tae tak a waak alang the Waston, mind an keep yir een oot for seals an dolphins playin in the watter. The Broch beach mebbe isnae as queart as the Braidsea shorie, but it still isnae tae be missed. It’s popular wae locals an tourists, dog waakers, surfers, an even folk fa jist funcy relaxing wae a hattie in their haun an watchin the waves ging in an oot. If yi’re feelin ower energetic, yi can aye climb Tiger Hull tae enjoy a bonnie panoramic view o The Broch. Dinna fash yersel aboot it bein caul, it’s almost nivver warm eneuch tae pit yer dookers on, on the Broch beach. Fooiver, aire’s somethin special aboot thon fresh sea air that ye jist canna find onywye else in the world – trust ma, Ah’ve tried. If ye div end up siccenin o the sea views, ye can aye tak a turnie up tae Granda Swings. Naebody kens exactly fit wye The Brochs maste popular play-park got it’s name, but ye can bet that every bairn in toon’s een will licht up the minty ye mention gaun aire. Even if ye think ye’re a bittie too auld for it, it’s worth gan jist for a lookie o the Saulton Place Fountain which wis ferst put up in The Broch in 1904! At the tap ye will see an ostrich, haudin a kye in it’s mou. Ah wis aye broucht up tae believe that it wis the kye tae the Broch. It his also been thoucht tae hae been a symbol that Brochers can swallae onythin! Tae tell the truth, nae ivery day in The Broch is a fine een. Jist like aawye else in the country, The Broch gets mair than it’s fair share o rain, sleet an sna. Fan it is a bonnie day fooiver, aire’s aye plinty things tae be deein an places tae be gaun. An if aa else fails, dee like the Brochers and ging tae the pub. Fit tae Dee and See in The Broch Fit Word Means Fit? Kye Queart Dookers Mou Swallae Sna Mouth Quiet Swallow Swimming costume Snow Key By Antonia Uri

25.10.17 Scotland’s Health Remains Stagnant By Holly Leslie I t is no secret that the NHS is currently under immense pressure with too few staff, long shifts and no available beds, yet they remain to be subjected to increased public expectation. Dr Peter Bennie (BMA) warns that until the Scottish Government stops believing its performance is fine, the NHS will continue to be “stretch(ed) pretty much to breaking point”. The Herald has recently commented on increasing budget cuts taking hold in Scottish hospitals, making it increasingly difficult to sustain standards. Seven out of eight priority targets have been missed twice in a row in 2016/17, including the nationwide 4-hour A&E ‘target and referral to treatment’ for cancer patients. According to The Telegraph, Sturgeon disclosed earlier this year that the plans for 4 new trauma centres has had to be pushed back 3 years. Scotland’s health is often commented upon on a global scale in relation to diabetes and obesity – many blaming the high fat diet, alongside Scots only eating 3 fruit-and-vega-day, as opposed to the WHO recommendation of 5-a-day. The 2016 survey states that only 17 % of men and 22 % of women achieve the latter recommendation. The same survey also commented that smoking prevalence amongst adults was 21 %, with the average number of cigarettes smoked daily being higher in men (13.7) than in women (11.7). With a growing population and a general sedentary lifestyle amongst the population, does personal responsibility not play a role in a nation’s health? It has been highlighted that the population of Scotland have one of the lowest life expectancies in Europe. Scotland shows a scarily high number of drug-related deaths and leaves 99 % of patients to wait more than 12 weeks to be seen by a GP. This is no surprise with the number of GP practises having decreased by 3 %, causing an increased workload on doctors. After committing £20 million to be directed into GP practices in March 2016, Shona Robinson acknowledged the need for younger doctors to go into the area. But can we blame juniors for choosing a different speciality? With the increased spending to obtain the newest drugs and the requirement for agency staff continuing to rise, savings are likely to become minimal, if at all present. Audit Scotland has suggested that funding allocation should occur in 3 – 5-year cycles to increase financial flexibility, allowing planning for increase in community care. In addition to increased pressure on GPs, 2015’s consensus (published earlier this year by the BBC) showed that an average 32.9 % of paediatric and neonatal units were forced to reject new admissions because of prolonged staff shortage; a problem that is too well known by the public but ignored by government. The Royal College of Paediatrics and Child Health (RCPCH) has called for the Scottish Government to increase funding for traineeships in the speciality. Professor Steve Turner (PCPCH) told the BBC that despite the 13 % increase in workforce between 2013 and 2015, a further 27 % - 35 % is required to reach the target. It was commented that 25 % of paediatricians currently working for the NHS required migrant status from the EU, bringing politics back into play as a major determinant of the stability of our healthcare workforce. Arguably, the main issue, alongside the available finances, is the length of time required to train new doctors which remains to be 5 years minimum. The newest profession to the NHS is the Physician Associate (PA) role which asks science graduates to opt to complete a postgraduate diploma in PA studies. It must be mentioned that the University of Aberdeen remains to be the only university in Scotland to run a PA course (1 in only 30 UK establishments). Whilst this role is by no means intended to replace physicians, or even ‘hold the fort’, it has since been welcomed by the public allowing consistency in treatment and retainment of public trust in the NHS across the whole of the UK. Rising CO2 Impact on Sea Life Cars, fridges, even making a cup of tea – all release CO2 into the atmosphere. As CO2 levels continue to rise year after year, the atmosphere is not the only thing being affected; our oceans are changing too. The large body of water acts as a net sink of carbon dioxide and as the acidity increases, what does this mean for the sea life? An eight-year study has revealed the extent of the harm to wildlife, with infant sea creatures among the worst affected. While some species will be able to cope with the rise in acidity, the whole food web will become disrupted, thus emphasising the larger impact this change will have. The study conducted by more than 250 scientists states that our current way of life is not sustainable and will continue to damage the planet we call home. And by over-fishing, continued coastal development and use of fertilisers, we are making it even worse. As CO2 from fossil fuels is absorbed into the sea, carbonic acid is produced. Since the Industrial Revolution, the increase in carbon acid produced has lowered the pH from 8.2 to 8.1. While this seems like a very small number, the pH scale is logarithmic and thus shows a 26 % increase in acidity, a dramatic change in an organisms’ habitat. And future projections show that by the end of century the acidity will have increased by 150 %. The increase in pH also decreases calcium carbonate concentrations, the building blocks of skeletons and shells. This means that calcifying species, such as clams, coral and urchins, will suffer and cause knock on effects for the whole food chain. Organisms’ ability to detect chemical signals is also being affected, meaning finding food is becoming much harder. The charge and shape of molecules in the water is altered, and so animals can no longer ‘sniff ’ their way back home or away from danger. Crabs are among those affected; the females look after eggs by ventilating them at certain times. They know when to do this by smelling them, however at lower pH and with the molecules having changed shape, the mother can no longer do this. The eggs will not be ventilated properly and it may affect their survival. Similar chemicals are also used for predator detection, food location and finding a mate, all of which are vital for not only the particular organism’s survival but also the survival of the whole species. While the fishing industry represents only 0.05 % of UK GDP and supplied jobs for only 24,000 in 2012, it is important to remember that many coastal towns rely on the industry solely for their income. In 2016, the UK caught 701 thousand tonnes of fish valued at £936 million. The fishing industry is the biggest in China with 15.5 million tonnes caught, followed by Indonesia at 6 million tonnes. Fish is the largest traded food commodity and as incomes have increased in developing countries, more and more are consuming the product. The value of the trade is set to rise by $150 billion this year, however there are growing concerns as to the long-term sustainability and environmental impact of fish farming. As CO2 levels continue to rise, the impacts of ocean acidification will no doubt become apparent both in the numbers of fish, but also in the quality. If infant creatures are among the worst affected, numbers will surely dramatically decrease in years to come. The BIOACID programme aims to study the affects of ocean acidification, and aims to determine the most vulnerable so measures can be put in place to protect them. A study collected by the programme found that almost half reacted badly to even a mild increase in CO2 concentrations. However, barnacles and, more importantly, algae may actually benefit from the rise. The findings will be presented at the UN climate change negotiations this November, and scientists are hoping eyes are opened to the impact our society is having on our oceans. By Rebecca Clark Scotland’s health status has been published – and it isn’t looking great. Stephen Hawking’s Doctoral Thesis ‘Breaks the Internet’ Have you ever wanted to be able to freely look back in time to the works of a young version of one of the world’s most acclaimed scientists? Ever desired to delve through the mysteries of our vast expanding universe guided by the investigation and PhD thesis of Stephen Hawking himself? Thanks to the University of Cambridge this is now possible. At least in theory. The University of Cambridge holds the combined knowledge from thousands of people collected over generations and time. A lot of it can be found in the University library, and a large quantity of it is stored in their online open access repository, called Apollo, where many theses and other pieces of scientific writing can be accessed by anyone in exchange for a fee. However, in celebration of the tenth anniversary of ‘Open Access Week’, during which freely spread scientific articles and knowledge is celebrated and shared for free, the University made Stephen Hawking’s doctorate thesis from 1966 accessible and downloadable for free for the first time in history. This was done with Hawking’s consent and approval, as well as with his wish to let his work serve as an inspiration the way he once got inspired from other scientists himself. As the general public might not understand the complexity of the subject matter of which young Hawking talks about in his 1966 thesis ‘Properties of Expanding Universes’, one might assume that the downloads of the thesis would be many, but not too extreme in numbers. One would, however, be very wrong. The demand for Hawking’s 1966 thesis was so high that the University’s repository site crashed the day after the thesis was made freely accessible. The thesis had almost 60,000 downloads within the first 24 hours before the site crashed, which clearly indicates the burning curiosity and desire for knowledge that Hawking wished to inspire. With the impressive result of this publication, the University now hopes that other successful PhD graduates will follow in Hawking’s footsteps and that they will give open access to their theses as well, to continue to share knowledge and inspire the world. By Malin Håkansson Photo by ` USA Today p.25 p. 25

p.8 15.06.15 Silicon Valley Gives Us Seven Minutes to Take it All Back Deleting messages from the conversation (not just your phone) has arrived in WhatsApp, but is it the future of mobile messaging? The day users of messaging apps have been anticipating has finally dawned: the option to delete messages on the recipient’s phone. As welcome a change as this is, there is little chance of the paradigm of the world – or even the messaging world – changing in a positive way. WhatsApp developers explain that the change is not set to be as far-reaching as one may expect. Once the user has sent the unwanted message, a seven-minute window opens up, and, until it closes, the message can be deleted from both the personal history and the recipient’s feed. After the seven minutes are up, according to the WhatsApp website, the message stays up “until the end of eternity.” It’s worth keeping in mind, however, that seven minutes is more than enough time to see an unsavoury picture and to take a screenshot. No app update can help you then. As of yet, however, there is no guarantee that even within the seven minutes the deletion will be successful. In the circumstance of failure, the deleting person will not be notified. While you sit back happy in the knowledge that the drunk text, misdirected message or inappropriate picture has been thwarted, the illusion waits to be shattered in a few minutes once the message is seen and acknowledged. One may hope that the option to remove unpleasant messages might make the Internet a friendlier place, but that seems like the most naïve of expectations. Individuals who are prone to sending inappropriate things will hardly be deterred by the option to reconsider. Neither will they realise that certain pictures are inappropriate, even given a seven-minute window for second thoughts. Current events in Hollywood show that even many years aren’t enough for some to recognise the flaws in their behaviour. Further, the deletion will not be as discreet as one may hope. Your word or image do not disappear without a trace: they leave the not so subtle “This message was deleted”. I can only see this as creating awkwardness, even if it is less than in the aftermath of sending uncomfortable or lewd pictures. Explaining away what was so embarrassing that you had to delete it would be just as odd as just going with the original. Drawing from my own experience, the option to delete yet-unseen messages seems like a straight path to never sending anything ‘risky’ to anyone ever again. I always worry about sending messages, mostly to people I don’t know very well, but also to close friends. There’s a little voice that whispers how silly whatever I want to say is and how I should maybe stop and crawl away. Hence, when I first started using Facebook Messenger, I was keen to delete every second message I sent – until the responses to those ‘deleted’ messages alerted me to the fact that nothing was actually getting deleted. Since then, the nature of my correspondence hasn’t changed, and the silliness has had no detrimental consequences – to my surprise, if not to anyone else’s. However, based on my shaky commitment to Facebook and Instagram posts, the option to delete messages would be too much to resist. What would there be to laugh at, if the nonsense sent while in a state of drunkenness were wiped out at the dawn of sobriety, or at least momentary self-awareness that comes after tapping “send”? Self-censorship is an easy trap to fall into, and, by utilising the WhatsApp update, users with a tendency towards shyness will second-guess themselves more. This is, in the end, a user-friendly change, even if the concrete benefits are questionable and speculative. We will use it, and maybe more people will swarm to WhatsApp as a result. But the fun – and, ultimately, honesty – of unretractable messages may become a feature of the past for which to feel nostalgic. By Gabija Barnard Should the Library be Open For 24 Hours? We’ve all heard the fifteen minute warning one too many times Some of us have heard that sentence more often, some less, but we are all familiar with it. We sit down at a desk, put in our headphones, spend two hours checking Facebook, contemplate the view of nightly Aberdeen while struggling to come up with intelligentsounding things to say in our essays, look up something vaguely related to the topic we are supposed to write about, get sidetracked reading a sequence of Wikipedia articles, are finally struck by inspiration, begin to type out the first paragraph – and are immediately informed that we should please pack up our things, this building is closing now, good night and see you again tomorrow. The library at the University of Aberdeen is open until midnight from Sunday to Thursday, and closes no later than 10pm on Fridays and Saturdays. One only has to take a look at other Scottish universities to see that with those hours, our university is lagging far behind. The universities of St Andrews, Glasgow, and even Stirling allow their students to make use of the local library facilities until 2am (with Stirling also offering a 24/7 study room next to their library). In Dundee opening hours last until 2.30, and the University of Edinburgh even has a 24/7 policy. It is a truth almost universally acknowledged that many university students have a rather unconventional and erratic sleeping pattern to the point where the term ‘pattern’ does not even really apply anymore. One of the reasons why lecture recordings are available online and why students are allowed to pick tutorials at times suitable for them is to accommodate this behaviour, at least to a certain degree. It would only be a logical consequence of this mentality to increase the opening hours of the library to match at least those of Glasgow and St Andrews. To deny someone the constructive working environment that the university library offers just because their most productive hours come shortly after midnight rather than shortly after noon seems unfair. The most common objection raised when it comes to the topic of longer library opening hours is that the cost would be difficult, if not impossible to bear. The employment of overnight security would cause a significant additional expense at a time where the university has already been forced to conduct understandably unpopular staffing cuts due to financial constraints. One might argue that what money is available would be better spent on academic staff than on security guards. Since nearly all other large Scottish universities are evidently able to afford having their libraries open for longer, however, it seems at least somewhat questionable how legitimate this argument really is. Longer library opening hours are not a new topic. It is a subject that has been discussed repeatedly and still takes a prominent spot in most major debates across the university, especially those between student representatives and administration. It almost seems it is only a matter of time until students get what they want and longer opening hours are established. The question is: how much longer will it take? Students, of course, would prefer for the change to happen sooner rather than later, while those in charge of the budget might prefer to postpone it as long as possible. For now, a compromise might be a step in the right direction: extended, perhaps even permanent opening hours in a greater number of weeks prior to exam period would make a difference to the student community while not putting the university’s budget under exceeding strain. Though by no means a perfect solution, this arrangement would allow both parties to maintain their interests at least partially, and perhaps further them on their way to a definite arrangement. By Elena Eschenbacher The deletion will not be as discreet as one may hope. Your word or image do not disappear without a trace: they leave the not so subtle “This message was deleted”. Photos left to right: Digital Trends. Expedia

p.10 15.06.15 Japan Considers its Pacifist Constitution Why Japan’s militarisation would be little cause for worry Our island cousins in East Asia may soon face a day of reckoning. The Liberal Democratic Party’s election victory enables Prime Minister Shinzo Abe to begin parliamentary procedures with a view to revising Article 9 of the country’s constitution. Article 9 has long been called the pacifist clause, a leftover from American influence following Japan’s defeat in World War Two, coming into force in 1947. The Japanese ‘military’ officially goes by the name of Self-Defence Forces, their most important function being disaster relief. Over the years the Japanese public has arguably embraced the clause, but times are changing. The growing threat comes of course from North Korea (who else?). In mid-September the regime promised to “sink Japan into the sea by the nuclear bomb” and their words were followed up with deeds when recently a missile whistled its way over northern Japan. Accordingly, Mr. Abe looks to make good on his long-standing desire to bolster Japan’s military. It is time to get over Article 9. Some say it will make China and South Korea feel threatened, but that is just petty politics. Why shouldn’t Japan feel equally threatened by the armed forces of China and South Korea? Their concern is understandable though, as both countries once suffered horrendously at the hands of Japanese occupiers. But that is in the past. And I find it hard to believe that Japan, the sole country to suffer from nuclear weapons in war, would seriously contemplate devastating parts of North Korea with nuclear weapons as a pre-emptive strike. That is the worst-case scenario. A nuclear Japan could serve as a further deterrent to North Korea. Regardless of the regional situation, the Pacifist clause in the constitution is intrinsically problematic. Historian John W. Dower called it “a miasma of ambiguity”. The terms of the article actually do seem to allow for Japan to retaliate in response to an attack. It mainly prohibits aggressive force in a foreign war. Yet Japan actually sent a contingent of troops to Iraq in 2003 – coincidentally a bad cause perhaps, but that’s not the point – and it is uncertain just how this stands in relation to Article 9. We have been seeing a gradual trend away from it, or at least the scope has changed. In 2015 Mr. Abe actually pushed through laws allowing Japanese troops to participate in combat missions overseas. Moreover, for the past six years the Japanese government has proposed military spending increases. Minister Takeo Fukuda went so far as to say that Article 9 “does not absolutely prohibit” Japan from acquiring nuclear weapons, as long as they are limited. Rather than blind adherence to preestablished rules when any situation arises, it is better to handle a situation on its own terms as it comes. Let common sense politics prevail. You can’t always rely on the small print to determine the outcome of explosive situations in the real political world. Or better yet, change the small print. In peaceful times nothing is more appropriate than gentleness and contemplation, but when danger is on the horizon you have to be more wary. That is true self-defence. Of course, the outcome may depend on the perspective of the Japanese public. “We have been living in peace for such a long time that we believe this peace is going to last forever,” said Ichiro Miyazoe, 74, in response to Pyongyang’s latest show of force. However, the Japanese public, although more open to increased militarisation, still does not overwhelmingly support Mr. Abe’s stance. That does not mean it is objectively the wrong thing to do, of course. Masako Toki, a research associate with the Nonproliferation Education Program, stated that if the threat continues then public opinion may even swing the other way. Once upon a time Japan’s best defence, like Britain’s, was the sea that surrounds it. It kept out the Mongols, but it cannot keep out fighter bombers and missiles. Better be safe than sorry. I’m not arguing that Japan need unequivocally embrace this change, but there would certainly be little harm in doing so. By Michael McKean A New Reality in the Land of Milk and Honey An inside look at the implications of the recent Czech election results The status quo is dead and long live the new reality. The Czech Republic has gone through elections again and it is now time to assess the result. I did expect an apocalypse either way, but as elections go, I ended up being surprised anyway. If central European politics is not your strong suit (I cannot blame you, really), I should probably let you in on what has happened thus far. The Czech Republic has undergone nearly five years under an equally unholy and incompetent alliance between the Social Democrats and the Populists, led by Andrej Babiš, the food tycoon and millionaire who until recently served as the finance minister. The embarrassing results of the socialistpopulist rule are probably best illustrated by the election performance of the Social Democrats. They have gone from nearly 20.45 % and control over the position of the Prime Minister in the government in the previous elections to barely 7.27 %. In addition, in the months leading up to the elections, Mr. Babiš, the leader and the embodiment of populism, has been under attack for a myriad of highly suspicious corruption affairs. In this congenial, back-stabbing atmosphere, the Czech electorate went to cast their votes and gave nearly 29.64 % to the Populists. This is not surprising, but fortunately it is just short of the number needed for creating a stable, one-party government. The Populists will need to build a coalition, but unfortunately for them, their leader is widely despised among the other parties. I think it is quite telling when even the far right and the anarchist parties refuse to collaborate. Each of which have received 10.64 % and 7.76 % respectively (which is shocking in itself). Mr. Babiš has very few options left, but his world is not entirely bleak. Sensitive as he is, his best choice would be to complain about the unfairness of the other boys and girls at the playground until new elections may be declared. As my kind words may betray, I am in fact a member of the Conservative ODS Party that has had a surprisingly good result as well. In the past we made some mistakes and we rightfully lost the mandate, but after years of reflection and restructuring, the Czech voters have finally decided that it is time for us to come back. I would not imagine in my wildest dreams that the Conservative Party would receive 11.32 % and thus become the second strongest party in the parliament. As Mr. Babiš has professed, he would just love to join forces with the Conservatives and rule in a happy coalition, but such an abhorrent alliance is definitely out of the question from our point of view. The path is clear. Mr. Babiš will not be able to compose a government in the 30 days allocated to him by the president. If that is the case, then the next in line for a shot at creating a government is the Conservative Party, as the party with the second strongest result. It will be difficult, because a coalition with the far-right or the Communists is out of the question. That would leave some kind of broad coalition between the Conservatives, Anarchists, Christian Democrats and a few other small rightleaning parties. The Populists have won this battle, but they may yet lose the war. The right should do its best to ostracise them out of ruling for the good of the nation. As the universal hatred of Mr. Babiš among all parties suggests, all actors are painfully aware of what horror his rule would be. That might just make the impossible possible and facilitate a broad and stable coalition. The future of the country is at stake. Mr. Babiš, you say you want a “better country”. Well, we want it too – but it is a country without you. By Michael Vilímek I think it is quite telling when even the far right and the anarchist parties refuse to collaborate. Photos left to right: The Tower, Pavleye

p.8 15.06.15 Was Corbyn too slow to suspend Jared O’Mara? A pause to consider what had happened is no bad thing in the current storm of allegations flying around On the 23rd October, Labour MP Jared O’Mara for the constituency of Sheffield Hallam, came under fire for a series of inappropriate comments he made online as a young man. An investigation took place inside the party, where the allegations were addressed. However, it came to light that Mr. O’Mara was accused of allegedly making more recent offensive comments, reportedly calling bar worker Sophie Evans “an ugly b****” in March. Despite the promise of Labour Leader Jeremy Corbyn to not suspend Mr. O’Mara until after the investigation had concluded, political pressure from both his own party and others led to the 35-year old whip’s suspension on 25th October. Mr. O’Mara denied the allegation of recent misconduct from just seven months ago, but accepted and apologised for the racist and homophobic comments he made online in 2002 and 2004. In a tweet from the 23rd he wrote; “I am deeply ashamed of the comments I made online, which have emerged today… I was wrong to make them; I understand why they are offensive and sincerely apologise for my use of such unacceptable language. I made the comments as a young man, at a particularly difficult time in my life, but that is no excuse.” So, what is to be made of this? Was Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn too slow? Well, I don’t think so. In recent years, the Labour Party has tried to place itself as the most inclusive and diverse party, that accepts and champions the rights of women, the LGBT community and other marginalised groups. Mr. O’Mara’s comments do not mesh well with the party’s image. Hence, it is no surprise that the MP was suspended, however it is clear that he regretted his comments (at least in hindsight). Additionally, Mr. O’Mara was suspended even before the internal investigation was concluded. All these points lead to the idea that although Mr. Corbyn owes it to his party’s key demographics to make the party an inclusive space, he was merely waiting for the allegations to have been satisfactorily investigated. However, Mr. O’Mara’s conduct and the recent spate of sexual allegations against several high-profile figures in Hollywood speaks of a larger issue: innocent until proven guilty. Although admittedly a much less serious case than that of Hollywood, Mr. O’Mara is still, in the case of his comments directed toward bar worker Sophie Evans, alleged to have committed an offence. No evidence has been provided. So, perhaps the key question should be ‘Was Jeremy Corbyn too quick to suspend Mr. O’Mara?’, at least in the case of his comments toward Ms. Evans. The internal inquiry was not concluded, and no evidence had been provided against Mr. O’Mara for misconduct recently, so why can he really be said to have been suspended? Should he potentially lose his career and livelihood for offensive comments made online over a decade ago? This case certainly does raise interesting questions: of ideals and character, about personal responsibility, and the right to be given a fair trial (in the court of public opinion, as well as in a court of law). Mr O’Mara’s are of course not condonable, but my no means the most serious offence made by a politician (certainly not in recent times) in terms of their conduct and attitudes. I think it would have seemed more appropriate to have left Mr. O’Mara subject to a fair hearing, and a decision made based on the outcome by the actual members and supporters of the Labour Party. Having said this, Jeremy Corbyn is the leader of the party, and is able to make such decisions on behalf of the party’s supporters; they seemed to agree with the outcome of Mr. O’Mara’s suspension after the fact. It remains to be seen if the allegations made by Ms. Evans were also fair, but it seems already, inevitably, that in the eyes of the Labour Party, Mr. O’Mara should be given a lifetime suspension, never again to return from the perpetual prison of the accused. Perhaps Mr. O’Mara could find a place within the Conservative Party? I hear there ‘May’ be the possibility of an opening in their leadership, very soon indeed. By Murray Caldwell The New York Times They Are a-changin’ Every now and then an event or person comes along that changes everything. Suddenly a veil is lifted from our eyes and we cannot ever again see things the way we once did. Rosa Parks refusing to move from her seat and the world abruptly realises that she should never have been asked to move in the first place. That sort of thing. I wonder now if Harvey Weinstein has prompted the first domino to fall, so that young women and men may not have their aspirations exploited for sex. Maybe the world is finally ready for such a radical idea. In 1993, at the age of 22, Corey Feldman, one of the all-time great child stars, went to the police to report alleged molesters who attacked him when he was a child. There are secret recordings of the meetings he had with the police, but for legal reasons the names have been edited out. In his memoir he names them as “Ron”, “Tony”, “Burnham” and “Crimson”, all pseudonyms. All the same, nothing was ever done. It is thought by some that this is inter alia because he refused to make allegations of abuse against Michael Jackson, the man they really wanted to take down. It wasn’t worth stopping a paedophile ring unless it suited them. Thankfully, we can fast forward to 2017, and things have changed. The Harvey Weinstein scandal is a watershed moment. Once, the only rebuke of this behaviour was a throwaway comment from Seth MacFarlane at an award ceremony (in reference to Weinstein) or on his show Family Guy (in reference to Spacey). Now, they are hounded in the environment that made their exploits possible. Harvey Weinstein was fired by the company he founded, and production has been suspended on House of Cards final season over the Spacey allegations. This is progress. But how did our society go from being complicit in its awareness of sexual abuse to willingness to turn Hollywood, our cultural Mecca, inside out to stop it? An article in the New York Times. Only when the most famous newspaper in the world, with accounts from extremely high-profile women, puts it in everyone’s faces so that they cannot ignore it anymore do we feel shamed enough to say ‘no more’. How many articles have been written on American gun control as people keep dying? How many on Nuclear deterrents while Trump and Kim Jong-Un play chicken? I think the difference is that enough of the right people saw something of themselves in Weinstein and felt ashamed. So ashamed that when another woman or young boy came forward, they decided to listen rather than turn them away. I hope the lesson learned from this is that we have more power to change the evil that we see as entrenched in our society than we think we do. I hope the lesson is not that we have to wait for old white men with white beards to have a change of heart. I think both are probably true. Keep screaming and shouting; eventually they’ll turn crimson and be too embarrassed to bare it. Eventually the narrative they create, like that women benefitted from Weinstein’s favours, that they went looking for the opportunity, will suddenly ring hollow. Long before the Spacey scandal was made public, I had heard stories from friends who were very successful in the theatre industry. One of them had a lead role in the West-End run of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child, the other was an assistant to producers and celebrities. They talked about the open secret of Spacey as if it was constitutional. As if there was no other way and there could be no other way. I think they probably talk a little differently now. Times change and I wonder what will be next. By Ninian John Wilson Mr. O’Mara’s conduct and the recent spate of sexual allegations against several high-profile figures in Hollywood speaks of a larger issue: innocent until proven guilty. DISCLAIMER All opinions expressed in the Opine section are those of the authors of the articles and do not necessarily represent views held by The Gaudie, AUSA, or any company which advertises in The Gaudie. Recent scandals might finally change the conversation about sexual impropriety Photos left to right: Guardian, Los Angeles Times

15.06.15 p.9 Putin. Trump. Kim Jong-un. Now Xi Jinping. There’s a question that has been asked about each of them: is he the most powerful man in the world? (I’m glad we’re talking about the most powerful man here, because I don’t think any of them could compete with Beyoncé. Just something to keep in mind.) But alright, let’s look at this for real. Xi Jinping will be China’s leader for the next five years and, crucially, he’s not declared a successor, which would have been the normal thing to do. No leader of the Communist Party is supposed to serve more than the usual two five-year terms, and right now, there seems conviction among plenty of commentators that Xi is planning to break that rule, just as he’s broken other ones; for example, having his name and personal thought written into the party’s constitution while still in office. Now, declaring your successor does not exactly seem like a very democratic thing to do. But, in the case of China, neither is not declaring one. After all, there’s nothing that says ‘I intend to do this job forever’ more than not planning for the fact that someone else will get to do it after you. Let’s look at this from another angle for a moment, though. Maybe he means well. Who among us hasn’t ever thought that if we were leading our country, everything would be going a lot better? (Please don’t tell me that’s just me!) But is there any difference between an authoritarian with good intentions or an authoritarian with bad ones? Maybe at the very beginning, but not in the end. In the end, it doesn’t matter whether he is trying to exert authoritarian control or whether he is well-intentioned, it all comes to the same thing: politics. And politics is never fair, definitely not for those who are being ruled. There’s just different degrees of unfairness. (Can you tell my Politics degree has made me jaded?) Even if President Xi wants to stay in power for longer than he is supposed to, is it justifiable to ask “So what?” Some of the top criticisms of Xi Jinping are just as applicable to other world leaders. He has been in office since 2012; by the time this term finishes, it’ll be 2022, ten years since then. Even if he rules for another term, it’ll have been fifteen years in total. That may sound like a lot, but remember that, once her current term finishes, Angela Merkel will have been Chancellor of Germany for sixteen years. Of course, there is rightful criticism of her for that, but few people would suggest that she plans on becoming an authoritarian ruler until she dies. While Xi’s not naming a direct successor may well be confirmation of his intending to stay on at least until 2027, that’s ten years away, and plenty may happen in all that time. And is having his name written into the party’s constitution really that different from what Presidents before him have done? They have had their own philosophy written into the constitution; they just didn’t call it theirs as obviously. Although all seven members of President Xi’s committee are over sixty years old, so were the two candidates for the 2016 US election. Let’s not even get into talking about Russia. None of these issues are necessarily good things, even for leaders of democratic countries, but it’s surely worth keeping in mind that, perhaps, this isn’t a Chinese development but a global one, democracy or not. It seems democracy is crumbling all over the world. Perhaps, with the shining beacon of the United States finally having flickered out for the foreseeable future, we were, deep down, unconsciously, hoping for China to lead the way, or at least come closer to it. After all, that’s what may be happening in regards to climate change. The United States decline to take leadership on it, and we all want someone to lead the world to do good things. Even if that someone is China. There aren’t many politicians to count on right now, if any at all. Maybe we want there to be a most powerful man in the world, and maybe we’re hoping that he will be on our side on at least some issues. But then, even if there is a change in leadership in 2022 like norms dictate there should be, will it make a difference? Announcing your successor yourself doesn’t really make it that difficult to stay in power in practice, if not nominally. Remember, it comes down to politics, and politics isn’t fun. It’s mean and all about power, no matter who’s in which office. The differences are slight at best. President Xi could have the best intentions in the world, and be the most powerful man, but even then, his power would be limited – there is no absolute power in the world. There are always people and circumstances that will keep politicians from reaching their goals. Which is sort of the point – there’s no way to fix world politics, because there’s no way to find the perfect middle way in between efficient rule and people’s rule. By its very nature, politics is full of contradictions, and there is no way to perfect it. Well. Possibly one: maybe there’s a chance Beyoncé will step up if we ask her nicely. By Naomi Haecker Is Xi Jinping the Most Powerful Man in the World? Opine Editor: Darryl Peers And if he is, then should the US President’s abdication from the role give cause for concern? Photo Courtesy of The Economist’s Jon Berkeley

Satire Editor: Androo Meackan 16.11.16 p.15 A fishnet-andleotard-wearing prostitute steals a young couples’ pride and joy: the lemons from their lemon tree. When discovered, she is punished by being forced to give sexual favors to the couple. The small, vibrant fruit naturally comes into the sex play, featured in mouths or orifices and remarked upon with uncanny lust. Sure we are by the end that the participants enjoy sex almost as much as lemons. Those who have witnessed this classic pornography will be filled with a sense of extreme disorientation and nausea, blanketed by a vague, omnipresent citrus aroma. Unless, of course, the appropriate context of the film is revealed. That is what the rest of this review hopes to do. In the opening scene the young couple sits on a bench in the garden. Reclining against each other, they discuss all the things they might make now that they have a lemon tree. Lemon meringue, lemon-ginger tea, key-lime pie with lemons substituted for limes, etc. During this titillating daydream the Puck-like “whore” comes ambling over the stucco wall of their garden to steal lemons. Why are they so horrified that someone is taking a few lemons? As it turns out, lemons are an impor tant par t of western marriage traditions. Traditionally, a lemon tree is given as a wedding present from a bride’s mother to the bride, following the ceremony as a symbol of virtue, purity, and general virginalness. The side of the ceramic pot containing the sapling is covered in a sticky sap which adheres to the hands of the bride to symbolise how tightly these qualities are fastened to her character. The lemon tree is then presented to the groom who tears it from the hands of his bride to the applause and wolf whistles of their gathered family and friends. Then, as the bride screams in joy and the groom looks guilty and sickened; the best man comes along with a pipe and says, “Well done old chap”, puts his arm around the new husband and takes him down the aisle to a quiet lounge room in order to smoke and drink whisky by the fire. Thus, when the lemon whore steals the lemons she is stealing the fruits of the couple’s virtue, perhaps from the very same sapling that was given to them when they were married. Is it any wonder that seeing it being defiled they are horrified? Clearly the value of the lemons is understood here, but the justification f o r t h e p u n i s h m e n t s e e m s draconian and backwards. Why is the whore made to give her services? Those who live in the USA will know about this, but for the benefit of their civilised neighbours I will explain. As anyone from a lemongrowing capital in the USA will be able to attest, the scourge of all lemon vendors is lemon stealing whores. The practice of making those lemon stealing whores give sexual favours, free of charge, to the victims of this crime originates from the pioneering days. In the Wild West, most of the towns were built by prostitutes, or Madams as they were called. So horny were these cowboys, miners, and farmers that they would pay almost anything to get some putang. This meant that women’s most valuable asset was often their bodies. So, what was there out in that dirt wasteland before the prostitutes came? Were there towns? No. Were there stores? No. Were there houses? Again, no. Why? Well, as anyone who has lived in an all-male group will tell you, it’s because men don’t know shit about basic upkeep. So it was these rich whores who took it upon themselves to build all the towns and the men who did their duty in keeping them afloat by taking all their hard earned cash into the saloons to drink and fuck it all away. However, there were also pioneers who came with no skills in farming, hustling cows, or pulling bits of valuable rock up from the earths underthing. These pioneers schlepped lemon trees from New York to California in covered wagons to help the budding nation fend off scurvy. In the interest of all the aforementioned pioneers with real skills not having all their teeth fall out and dying from bone degeneration, they would trade the lemon vendors for a tree and harvest lemons from them as needed to survive. So important were these lemon trees for survival that a man so severely destitute that he sold his last item would be said to have “sold his last lemon”. Therefore, in the de facto justice of the Wild West, if a prostitute was caught stealing a man’s lemon tree, they had to repay in the only service those testosterone-addled pigs cared for. The number of historical incidents where this has happened is a mere handful of times but, sure enough, when they tables turned and men began to take power away from women as states were established, they went on about it a lot. So much so that it was a recognised part of law in the Articles of Confederacy, the early draft of the US constitution, that any prostitute who stole from a lemon tree must pay back the cost of the lemons in sexual services. Unfortunately, as the cost of lemons went down this law became so pointless that it was not renewed after the civil war. So, there you have it – the subtext of this clip can teach you the value of lemons and their involvement in the sex industr y. Pornography is the gift that keeps on giving. Lemon Stealing Whores A Day In The Life Of The Lame Duck President It’s 7am, in Washington DC, October 17th 2017. A cold autumn morning. The Sun drifts above the Whitehouse, its beams cascading down through the windows until they scurry upon the eyes of The Donald. His eyes flinch and clench in angst against the radiating light. It’s a forlorn hope to stay asleep, so he awakes from the best dream in the history of dreams... maybe ever. Sitting up in his little nest he rises one wing to his beak and after applying a thick layer of spit, continues to comb over his luscious blonde locks which up until this point draped down his righthand side like a middle-aged blonde Rapunzel, in Duck form. Although something just doesn’t feel right, with his eyes clenched in true Trump fashion he can’t see what’s wrong. Clearing his throat, he waddles to the mirror so Overheard something interesting in your lecture?! Interesting anecdotes, hilarious quips! The Gaudie Wants to Know! Send Your Stories To: [email protected] – Snap Bickerman – that he can put on his fake tan and is shocked by his own reflection. He tries to scream but quacks instead. Shocked, he asks himself ‘When did I become a Duck?’. ‘We have a majority in the Quack House, and all my Executive Orders have Quack been doing something, right?’ he exclaims to Melania who nods in approval, like a good wife. Although after a quick glance at the FAKE news his feathers quickly become rustled and it quickly becomes apparent how he became a duck. Perhaps it was the many members of Congress that don’t and won’t follow his lead – or was it all the Big Bills that have started to waste away on Capitol Hill? Maybe it was the string of controversies. A lame Duck, he no longer knows what to do with himself, before an aid suggests that he heads South. After all, it looks like his political career has went that way already. Photo Courtesy of UP@NIGHT – Mark Kyle –

Satire 16.11.16 p.15 DISCLAIMER All opinions expressed in the satire section are written primarily for the sake of comic value and therefore do not necessarily represent the honest views held by the author, The Gaudie, AUSA, or any company ACROSS 1: Device for viewing broadcast images (10) 6: Galavanted with the spoon (4) 7: Containers for beer (4) 9: Response in the negative (2) 11: To be _____ by lighting (6) 12: For something be finish (3) 14: Crystal structure primarily comprised of hydrogen (3) 15: To strike something (3) 17: Area a play or film is performed (3) 19: Structure of events in a narrative (4) 20: To be contacted by someone via telephone (6) 22: A biopic is ____ it’s subject (5) 23: Scrap of cross (3) 25: To refer to a collective containing yourself (2) 26: What sex does, marketing phrase (5) 28: Class of profession Michel Gove declared irrelevant (6) 30: Harder ___! (3) 31: To be part __ something (2) DOWN 2: Common display of affection from pets (4) 3: Vehicle used for light transport (3) 4: Abbreviation for partner or spouse. (2) 5: To posses something (3) 6: Common thing magicians do in their art (10) 8: Thing I came to do with the sea (4) 10: Work of Charles Darwin, first word (7) 13: Pale Blue (3) 16: Customary practice while dining in the US (3) 18: Happily ____ after 21: 30 Across (6) 24: Space between two points 25: What is it good for? 29: Common shortening of Thank youboiling water (3) SIMPLESUDOKU ADVANCEDSUDOKU WORDWHEEL

25.10.17 Sport Editor: Daniel Rees SPORTS RESULTS BASKETBALL Aberdeen Men’s 1st 75 Heriot-Watt Men’s 1st 60 Strathclyde Women’s 1st 69 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 74 Aberdeen Men’s 1st 84 Strathclyde Men’s 1st 52 CRICKET Aberdeen Men’s 1st 89 Strathclyde Men’s 1st 100 Aberdeen Men’s 2nd 42 Strathclyde Men’s 1st 48 FOOTBALL Edinburgh Women’s 2nd 2 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 0 Strathclyde Men’s 4th 0 Aberdeen Men’s 3rd 2 Aberdeen Men’s 1st 2 Edinburgh Napier Men’s 1st 1 Aberdeen Men’s 3rd 5 Dundee Men’s 3rd 2 GOLF Aberdeen Mixed 1st 3 St. Andrews Mixed 1st 7 VOLLEYBALL Aberdeen Women’s 1 st 3 Heriot-Watt University 1st 0 HOCKEY Glasgow Women’s 2nd 0 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 2 Edinburgh Men’s 2nd 2 Aberdeen Men’s 1st 0 Edinburgh Napier Women’s 1st 5 Aberdeen Women’s 2nd 1 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 2 Edinburgh Women’s 4th 0 Heriot-Watt Women’s 1st 2 Aberdeen Women’s 2nd 1 LACROSSE Aberdeen Women’s 1st 34 Strathclyde Women’s 1st 1 Glasgow Women’s 2nd 3 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 18 Edinburgh Men’s 1st 9 Aberdeen Men’s 1 st 7 NETBALL Aberdeen Women’s 1st 31 Edinburgh Women’s 4th 27 Aberdeen Women’s 2nd 29 Dundee Women’s 2nd 30 RUGBY UNION RGU Women’s 1st 19 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 19 Durham Men’s 4th 48 Aberdeen Men’s 2nd 5 TENNIS Heriot-Watt University Men’s 1st 0 Aberdeen Men’s 1st 6 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 10 Stirling Women’s 2nd 2 Aberdeen Women’s 1st 10 Stirling Women’s 3rd 2 By Tom Molnar Autumn Internationals Preview An electrifying autumn series awaits With the 2017 SANZAAR Rugby Championship wrapped up and with the Guinness PRO14 and European Championship under way, we now look to the Autumn International series, which will be played over four weeks, finishing on the first weekend of December. With the home nations’ squads announced, we see the addition of ¬twenty-three uncapped players added to their squads as well as several omissions of experienced players. Warren Gatland marked his return to Wales duty by leaving out seasoned internationals Jamie Roberts, Scott Williams and Luke Charteris, but included New Zealand-born Hadleigh Parks. Wales hosts Australia, Georgia, reigning world champions New Zealand, and finally South Africa. The Welshmen have come off a successful summer tour having claimed victories over Samoa and Tonga, with Robin McBryde filling in temporarily as head coach. Gatland adds four more uncapped players as well as Bath fly-half Rhys Priestland, who hasn’t featured internationally since last year. Sam Warburton, who captained the last two Lions tours, is out of contention with injury, but back row duo Justin Tipuric and Dan Lydiate are selected despite uncertainty over their fitness levels. With mixed experience in the squad, one must question certain selections, most obviously that of Scarlets centre Hadleigh Parks, who is ineligible to play internationally until December. Parks helped his club raise the PRO12 Cup last season and, in recent weeks, has shown impressive form in the newly expanded Guinness PRO14, hence his inclusion. Ospreys scrum-half Rhys Webb was also included despite his very public criticism towards Warren Gatland over the new player policy, which will rule him out of playing internationally next season after his move to French club Toulon. When Warren Gatland returned to his post as the Welsh head coach back in 2013 after the Lions tour, the side secured a superb victory over Argentina, but fell short to Australia and South Africa. It will be fascinating to see how he fairs on his return against their first opponent, Australia. Scotland head coach Gregor Townsend has called up ten uncapped players for the autumn tests. The former Glasgow Warriors head coach seeks his first home win since taking over from Vern Cotter earlier in the year. The side took on Fiji, Australia and Italy during the summer, and were particularly impressive against the Wallabies, whom they defeated 24-19. Sale winger Byron McGuigan and Glasgow forwards Scott Cummings and Jamie Bhatti are among the ten uncapped players, and Scarlets flanker John Barclay has been named captain with Greig Laidlaw ruled out with a fractured ankle. Laidlaw joins a long list of notable absences due to injury, including Richie Gray and Sean Maitland. Edinburgh flanker John Hardie has not been considered due to a suspension linked to alleged cocaine use. His Edinburgh team-mate Magnus Bradbury is also missing, as he serves a club suspension after sustaining a head injury. South African-born McGuigan has previously played under Gregor Townsend for Glasgow, where he racked up four tries in twenty appearances over two seasons, and is the current top try-scorer in this season’s English Premiership. Scotland will play Samoa, New Zealand and Australia in this year’s autumn tests, with Australia seeking revenge on the Scots after losing to Townsend’s side in the summer. In other encounters, it’s come down to the wire, including a meeting in the 2015 Rugby World Cup quarter final, which was decided by a highly debatable penalty awarded to the Wallabies, eventually ending Scotland’s campaign. With Australia back to good form after a lengthy demise, this encounter will be an exciting one to watch. Joe Schmidt has left out Munster utility back Simon Zebo from the Ireland squad for the upcoming internationals. Zebo is a very influential player, who has thirty-five caps to his name. With this, wingers Adam Byrne and Jacob Stockdale have been included, with Byrne hoping to earn his first international cap. The experienced Tommy Bowe and fellow Ulster winger Andrew Trimble are ignored as the coaching staff look to the future of Irish rugby with players like Bundee Aki. The New Zealand-born centre has Samoan parents but is eligible through the residency rule, having joined Connacht in 2014. He has impressed consistently since then, helping the province lift the 2016 PRO12 title. Schmidt’s side will play South Africa, Fiji and Argentina at Dublin’s Aviva Stadium, coming into their opener full of confidence after victories over USA and Japan in the summer. With the likes of Munster duo Connor Murray and CJ Stander returning after the Lions tour, Ireland hope to continue this good run under Rory Best’s captaincy. London Wasps flanker James Haskell has been left out by England head coach Eddie Jones. The 32-year-old earned seventy-five appearances for his country and was called up for this year’s British and Irish Lions squad, replacing fellow international Billy Vunipola. Jones added Exeter back-rower Sam Simmonds to his ranks after helping his side to last season’s Aviva Premiership title. England will be hosting Argentina on November 11th, before playing Australia and Samoa. England captain Dylan Hartley is included after being cleared by appeal for supposedly striking Clermont’s Rabah Slimani. Nathan Hughes is also included despite serving a suspension for a similar incident, as his term ends before England’s first match. Joe Marler is left out due to another disciplinary case of striking, but the Harlequins prop will be available for their second test against Australia. Eddie Jones made it clear that he will be flexible with his squad, so Marler may yet be called up. Eddie Jones’ side toured South America in the summer, twice beating Argentina. During the previous summer tour, they shut out Australia with a 3-0 victory. With these two teams hoping to avenge their defeats this autumn, England needs to be on top form. There is a lot to think about leading up to the series of internationals. How will Warren Gatland fair on his return? Will the suspensions affect England’s starting team? Can Ireland continue their good run against such dynamic sides? On this note, what will we see from the touring sides? New Zealand look to redeem themselves after a loss to Australia in the Bledisloe Cup. The Wallabies seem to be back on form after a long demise, so they will be dangerous. South Africa needs to show quality after a slightly poor performance in this year’s Rugby Championship. It looks to be one of the most exciting international series in recent years, kicking off with the Barbarians facing the All Blacks. It will hopefully be an electrifying match to start what is expected to be an equally electrifying month of rugby. his post as the Welsh head coach back in 2013 after the Lions over Argentina, Africa. It his return The former home during the lift the 2016 PRO12 title. Schmidt’s side will play South Africa, Fiji With the likes of Munster duo Connor Murray and CJ Stander returning after the Lions tour, Ireland hope to London Wasps flanker James Haskell has been left out by England head coach Eddie Jones. The 32-year-old earned seventy-five appearances for his country and up for striking, but the Harlequins prop will be available for their second test against Australia. Eddie Jones made it clear that flexible with his squad, so Marler may yet be called up. Eddie South America in beating Argentina. During the previous summer tour, they shut out Australia with a 3-0 victory. With these two to the series of internationals. How will Warren Gatland fair on his return? Will the suspensions affect England’s starting team? such dynamic sides? On this note, what will we see from the touring sides? New Zealand look to redeem themselves after a loss to Australia after a slightly poor performance in this year’s p.32