The Gaudie 18th June 2018

facebook/thegaudie | go_gaudie | @the_gaudie The Gaudie NEWS £1.2m for University museums p.3 FEATURES Triumph of Individualism p.5 SPORTS FIFA World Cup p.8 OPINE The Diamond Legacy p.6 For more exclusive, up to date and interesting student content, check out our website: www.thegaudie.com IV Magazine Inside The University of Aberdeen has achieved its highest ranking in the Complete University Guide. The University was ranked 28th in the UK, rising from 40th place in 2017, which is the greatest climb of any university within the top 50. This places the University as the 4th of 14 institutions in Scotland. Additionally, the subjects Anatomy & Physiology, Civil Engineering, General Engineering, Law and Linguistics have all been ranked in the top ten in the UK. The Complete University Guide ranks universities based on ten factors: entry standards, student satisfaction, research quality, research intensity, graduate prospects, student-staff ratio, academic services spend, facilities spend, good honours and degree completion. Professor Sir Ian Diamond, Principal and Vice-Chancellor of the University of Aberdeen, said: “I am delighted that the University has achieved its best ever result in the Complete University Guide, rising 12 places to make it into the top 30 for the first time. “This strong performance is testament to our commitment to delivering world-class teaching and research, alongside a rich and fulfilling student experience. “The UK’s higher education sector has become increasingly competitive in recent years, and it is thanks to the efforts of all of our staff that we have performed so well in this important and respected league table.” The high ranking of the university was also reflected in The Guardian University Guide, which classed courses from the University’s Medical School, Physics and Anthropology within the top 10 in the UK In response to the ranking, Professor Steve Heys, Head of the School of Medicine, said: “We are delighted with these latest rankings underlines the tremendous being done here to train clinicians, researchers and healthcare staff who can make a real difference to the communities that they will go on to work in.” By Emily Craig University of Aberdeen reaches highest ever ranking in league table Free 11 18.06.18

18.06.18 Editorial Edition 11: Graduation The future is ever uncertain. Unless you choose to remain in academia. In which case, you can keep doing degrees until you choke and the bubble will never pop. Though primarily considered as a celebratory occasion, graduation can often leave a bitter taste as one retrospects on the last few years and wonders, beyond a degree, what it is you really gained? Life experience? People skills? Or just the seedlings of what will eventually become a life of debt and crippling alcoholism? Regardless, you are surely not the person you were when you first stepped upon these hallowed grounds. So, what happened? What changed and where the hell do you go now? A ‘university experience’™ may not be as formulaic as a prospectus cover would have you believe. It’s not just branded sweatshirts and supposed bonding experiences. The university campus, besides it’s academic function, serves as a simulation of the real world where you can run your own social micro experiments without the fear of real-world consequence. You are encouraged to engage in hobbies, experiences and ideologies that would have you ostracised in normal society. We can try on as many hats as we choose, spending one semester as a radical protester and then the next as treasurer of the Knitting society and your identity remains as undecided as it was when you started. You are a chameleon, free to adapt whichever way you choose. This is both the beauty and the tragedy of our time here. For four years or so you can play any part, overcome any failure and create without fear of financial, social or logistical favour. You may reminisce on this as a great opportunity. But as you thrust your morterbords in the air, you are met with a question as to what happens after this. How does one identify beyond the social parameters of the campus? We become defined by our occupations, our homes and cars, the families we make and the networks that we forge. It’s a startling realisation which no doubt motivates many to seek their own selves beyond these expectations. Still, it is bittersweet. Such success defines only the end of another chapter. The future is ever uncertain. Unless you choose to remain in academia. In which case, you can keep doing degrees until you choke and the bubble will never pop. The Hub Elphinstone Road Old Aberdeen AB24 3TU Tel: 01224 272980 We voluntarily adhere to the Independent Press Standards Organisation (www.ipso.co.uk) and aim to provide fair and balanced reporting. Head Editors News Editors International Editor Deputy International Editor Features Editor Deputy Feature Editor Opine Editor Deputy Opine Editor Science & Environment Editor Deputy Science & Environment Editor Satire Editor Puzzles Editor Sports Editor Alex Kither and Mira Bagaeen Matthew Keracher and Gabija Barnard Tomás Pizarro-Escuti Floriane Ramfos Alice King Aiden Walker Marijke Kirchner Michael Vilímek Déborah Gillard Rebecca Clark Andrew Meechan Sarah Geddes Tom Molnar Editorial Team Head of Production Illustrator Copy Editor Social Media Coordinators Photographer Kevin Mathew Julia Vallius Uju Ofomata Matthew Angell & Shona Boyd Malwina Filipczuk Wanting to advertise with The Gaudie? Get in contact with our Marketing Director at [email protected]. Go to our website to download our Media Pack with all our prices, online and print statistics—http://www.thegaudie.com/advertise. Production Team www.abdn.ac.uk/alumni Congratulations! #AbdnFamily To collect your Class of 2018 mug, please visit us in the marquee. p.2

18.06.18 University museums receive share of £1.2m funding from Scottish Funding Council Plans for Student Bar on University High Street Rejected By Natalia Barbour Museums at the University are to receive over £342,000 of funding over the next three years, it has been announced by the Scottish Funding Council. This sum has been awarded to the University to continue their essential work in preserving and exhibiting collections for the public. The collections on display at the University are among the most important in Scotland, receiving the accolade of Recognised Collection of National Significance in 2010. Among them are pieces with significance in many subject areas, including Archaeology, Fine Art and Medicine. Along with these pieces, the University has an equally significant collection of Archives and Rare Books. John Kemp, Interim chief executive of the Scottish Funding Council, said: “Scottish university museums are an important educational and cultural resource for the nation. “This funding is a significant investment in the valuable work that goes on there and will also support the museums’ ambition for the future in areas such as digital technology.” In a statement, University of Aberdeen has said that the grant will not only allow them to continue their documentation of these important collections but will also enable the pieces to be displayed to the public in a number of exhibitions over the coming months. Among these exhibitions will be a review of East Asian cultural collections and new public events aimed at schools across Aberdeenshire. Neil Curtis, Head of Museums and Special Collections at the University of Aberdeen, said: “This grant gives us a firm foundation to continue our work looking after the University’s museum collections. What is most important is the Scottish Government’s focus on using the museum collections to engage with a wide range of people.” A student’s proposal to turn 15 High Street, Old Aberdeen, into a bar has been refused. Julius Matraszek, a Management student at the University, planned to convert the unused category B listed Georgian property into a student pub with a beer garden. Planners had urged councillors to back the plans, as the proposal did not violate any planning policies. However, councillors rejected the plan due to concerns about noise from the pub that would disturb the neighbouring chaplaincy building. In November, Mr Matraszek reacted to the criticism by amending his plans so that they did not include a beer garden anymore, since the chaplaincy windows would have overlooked it. Martin Greig, Liberal Democrat Councillor, said: “This area has a special character that would be seriously harmed by the presence of a pub. “The application had to be rejected out of respect to the community. There are many residents nearby whose quality of life would be drastically reduced by such a change of use.” The student stresses that the pub was supposed to be an establishment in which all guests behave respectfully and adequately. Despite the refusal, Matraszek does not want to give up on his plan. He stated: “The City Council's decision to reject my proposal was very much expected. Moreover, it was abundantly clear that the councillors were strongly influenced by third parties.” Demi Morgan, planning officer at Old Aberdeen Community Council, said: “We are very pleased with the decision by the committee. There is an obvious need for extra social places for students but this was not the right option. “We hope the University will sit down on how to best serve the student and community’s interests.” Mr Matraszek plans to appeal the decision. Aberdeen City Council are considering the prospect of introducing a segregated cycle lane into Union Street following a petition by a local resident. Rachel Martin started the petition after growing concerns for her safety and the safety of other cyclists in the city centre. Ms Martin believes that if her proposal was incorporated into the City Centre Masterplan then it would also help support struggling local businesses as well as reduce congestion and pollution in the area. She added: “It might seem expensive but a report from the UK Government found that for every £1, £5.50 is returned in benefits like health benefits, reduced congestion, pollution and roads maintenance.” The cyclist hopes that the proposal could help get an increased number of major roads adapted to be more cyclist friendly and convince other cities to do the same for their high streets and city centres. In response to the proposal, Councillor Jennifer Stewart expressed her concerns over its potential risk. She stated: “I think it would be great if there was the possibility of having a designated cycling area on Union Street. “However, I would be concerned if people who are going to be cycling within the designated area don’t actually take the cycling proficiency. If this were to go ahead then people should be encouraged to take the cycling proficiency and perhaps some form of Highway Code test.” Ms Martin believes that the segregated cycle path would be a no-brainer, due to the positive contributions it would offer the city. She added: “It would be good for local business, would help tackle congestion and air pollution, and give the people of Aberdeen - especially young people - the freedom to travel the city safely and independently.” The proposal is currently undergoing a public consultation with the City Centre Masterplan. Members of the operational delivery committee have agreed that a report will be brought back on the proposals, subject to the consultation. Consultation underway for Union Street Cycle Lane By Emily Craig International thegaudie.com/international Editor: Tomás Pizarro-Escuti The Gaudie The decision by the USA’s government to impose 25 per cent tariffs on steel imports and 10 per cent on aluminium on the European Union, Canada and Mexico is generating discontent among some of Washington’s key allies. Mr Trump said that he was looking to fix the “unfair” state of trade with the EU and also accused Canada of treating the US “poorly”. In response, the European Union took the US to the World Trade Organisation (WTO) to challenge the legality of the tariffs. Mexico and Canada have also vowed retaliation, with Canada’s foreign affairs minister Chrystia Freeland stating, “Canada will closely collaborate with the European Union, which also filed a WTO challenge today, as well as with other like-minded countries, on opposing these tariffs”. Jean-Claude Juncker, President of the European Commission said, “The EU believes these unilateral US tariffs are unjustified and at odds with World Trade Organisation rules. This is protectionism, pure and simple” and added, “the EU will not negotiate under threat (…) We will defend the Union's interests, in full compliance with international trade law”. The EU Commissioner for Trade, Cecilia Malmström, considers the Trump’s administration’s decision to slap the tariffs on European steel and aluminium a “dangerous game”. Among International analysts and political scientists, it is thought that Europe is trying to position itself as the world power that defends a multilateral and normative approach to trade against protectionist strategies coming from the USA. Indeed, Mrs Malmström confirms this by saying: “If players in the world do not stick to the rulebook the system might collapse (…) we stand for the multilateral system, for rule-based global trade.” The EU has said it will retaliate by increasing tariffs on a range of high-profile American goods which may come into effect in a few weeks. This includes an initial round of tariffs on US products worth 2,800 million euros in an initial phase that will progressively increase to 6,400 million euros. Virtually all American products will be affected, from marine vessels to Harley-Davidson motorcycles, jeans, tobacco, bourbon, etc. What is the potential impact on consumers? Economists argue that higher tariffs on imports could push up the cost of high street goods. Manufacturers would raise their price to deal with the higher cost of raw materials. American manufacturers would also face higher costs in the long term. The beginning of a trade war can lead to an escalation which could threaten international economic relations based on rules, and bring the world to a spiral of protectionism that Europe wants to avoid at all costs. Trade War: EU Opens WTO Case Against Trump's Steel And Aluminium tariffs By Tomás Pizarro Escuti Annegret KrampKarrenbauer. A name that, even to native German speakers, can be a hard one to pronounce may be one we will have to remember in the years to come. Although the German Chancellor, Angela Merkel, has recently announced the names of ChristianDemocratic cabinet ministers in the likely case of a renewed coalition government with the struggling Social Democrats, it was the nomination of the 55-year Kramp-Karrenbauer as secretary of the Christian Democratic Union that made the headlines. ‘AKK’, as she is sometimes referred to in the national press, is a 55-year old Minister, President of the Saarland state and one of the Chancellor’s most important allies. As the second-ever female (the first one being Merkel herself between 1998-2000) to hold this important position within Germany’s biggest party, Kramp-Karrenbauer has become the favourite candidate to succeed Merkel as leader of the CDU/CSU and possible Chancellor. In a recent survey conducted by the Forsa Institute, 45% of the CDU members questioned, deemed KrampKarrenbauer competent to become Merkel’s successor. She is trailed in the poll by the charismatic former ‘Wine Queen’ Julia Klöckner (43%); the young conservative, Jens Spahn (36%), who is set to become the new Minister of Health; and the incumbent Minister of Defense, Ursula von der Leyen (31%). While an overwhelming majority of the CDU’s members voted this Monday in favour of the coalition agreement and supported Kramp-Karrenbauer as their new General Secretary, party leaders also faced heavy criticism from opponents at a – for CDU standards – relatively lively party summit. Attacks were mainly directed at Merkel’s alleged detachment from ordinary people, an excessive commitment to political correctness and a lack of diversity in her possible cabinet. Indeed, Merkel has not nominated a single minister from Germany’s former East, while only two of her possible ministers are non-Catholics. On the 4th of March, members of the Social Democratic party will finally have their say on the coalition papers and determine whether Germany will be led by another CDU/CSU-SPD government or whether the country will have to prepare itself for new elections with Kramp-Karrenbauer as potential CDU leader. Spanish Prime Minister Forced to Leave Office Amid Corruption Scandal By Marta Karpuk News thegaudie.com/news Editors: Matthew Keracher & Gabija Barnard The Gaudie By Sarah-Marie Thomas p.3

18.06.18 Can we cure the common cold? By Holly Leslie Despite the sun trying to make an appearance in recent weeks, it is hard for those living in Aberdeen to rid the thought of frost and cold air which often results in sniffly noses and chronic sneezing as winter months draw in. Wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to beat the common cold before it knocks us out for a week or two? Well, new research may have done just that! For anyone who may not be aware, the common cold is in fact a viral infection, usually caused by a rhinovirus of which there are many specific types. Up until now, treatment regimes have tried to target and destroy the virus itself, however, this “traditional” approach has been shown to lead to drug resistance. Researchers at Imperial College London are currently attempting to create an inhaled form of a drug targeting a highly expressed enzyme, NMT, which has been shown to play a role in immune cell function required to fight infection. NMT (N-myristoyltransferase) is found in host cells and allows viral uptake, leading to replication of the common cold entity. By targeting NMT, researchers hope to prevent viral replication which in turn halts the progression of the disease. Of note, all strains of the virus require NMT activity to allow replication. NMT is used by the virus to create a “outer shell” of the viral particles. Without this outer shell, the virus is not infectious. Researchers hope that by targeting the hosts cells, instead of the infective agent, they can prevent drug resistance which is a common problem in the immunological field. It is predicted that the upcoming drug will be most beneficial for those who have underlying health conditions that prevent optimal immune function, including those with asthma or cystic fibrosis. Furthermore, the team at Imperial College London found that preventing NMT activity prevents replication of viruses causing polio and foot-and-mouth disease. However, the exact pathways regulated by NMT remain eluded. Previous studies suggest NMT has a central role in maintaining T cell function required for endogenous antiviral activity. Global inhibition of NMT may, therefore, lead to compromised immune response. Although current results look exceedingly promising, further studies are due to be carried out to determine long term safety of the drug. Most recent studies have been performed entirely in vitro, therefore animal studies and clinical trials are yet to come prior to the release of the proposed medication. Forest Cover and Climate Change Climate change remains a widely studied, yet rarely spoken of subject. In recent years, estimates about a ‘worst-case scenario’ have been altered, showing that the consequences awaiting us have worsened exponentially. The standard worst-case scenario used by researchers—called RCP8.5—has been confirmed to have underestimated the amount of emissions which result from our current economic climate: a main driving force behind climate change. RCP8.5 assumes uncontrolled and rapid economic growth, as well as unrestrained burning of fossil fuels. Though RCP8.5 depends on these conditions, it does not take into account any actions that attempt to slow global warming. Multiple countries have implemented strategies to fight against a worst-case scenario, and Glen Peters of the Center for International Climate Research in Norway stated, “We’ve already locked in a certain amount of climate policy”. There is a worrying implication that future emission levels could still be drastically higher than predicted, even with the implementation of rigorous climate change programs. Carbon emissions in the EU have risen over the past four years, following a period of economic growth - in 2017, they were higher by 1.8%. Peter Christensen of the University of Illinois states, “Our estimates indicate that, due to higher than assumed economic growth rates, there is a greater than 35 per cent probability that emissions in 2100 will exceed those given by RCP8.5.” However, not everything can be accurately calculated. Researchers state that forested areas are increasing around the world due to an improving economy and a rising sense of national wellbeing. They protest that the growth of forests is due to rising CO2 levels, instead proposing that as economies improve, farmers concentrate on high-quality soils and leave marginal lands, which are then overtaken by trees. Between 1990 and 2015, forest growth has increased annually by 1.31% in higherincome countries, in comparison to the 0.5% growth increase in lower-income nations. Other countries have also started to implement strategies to increase forest cover in relation to their own developments and improvements: Europe, US, Japan, and New Zealand have all seen an increase in forest cover over the past century. "When people are feeling good, it benefits forests," concludes Professor Pekka Kauppi from the University of Helsinki to BBC News. “Once a country has a decent life, they do not deplete forests—they want to protect them. When livelihoods come from other sources, not subsistence farming, then marginal lands are abandoned and people just leave the forests to grow back." This proves to be a hope for the worstcase scenario of climate change, even taking into consideration the RCP8.5, as reforestation and increased forest cover will ultimately lead to the betterment of a declining climate. By Natalia Dec Scientists to Grow 'Mini Brains' using Neanderthal DNA By Tabitha Gerry Wouldn’t it be lovely to be able to beat the common cold before it knocks us out for a week or two? Well, new research may have done just that! Science & Environment Editor: Deborah Gilliard thegaudie.com/sci-env The Gaudie Neanderthals are an alternate fork in the history of human evolution, what could have once had common ancestor to modern day humans took a very different path. Organisms that had comparatively larger brains, greater height and a capacity for speech were wiped out around 40,000 years ago by unknown means, though speculation ranges from climate change to competition as causes. Fast forward 40,000 years humans are trying to understand one of their closest relatives by incorporating Neanderthal DNA into a small structure similar to the brain using stem cells. These “mini brains” are not capable of particularly complex functions, ones that we associate with being human; thought and emotion. They are being studied to understand how different they operate functionally, which may give a clue as to why humans survived and Neanderthals didn’t. These experiments are taking place in the Max Planck Institute for Evolutionary Anthropology in Leipzig, Germany and studied by the same team who commandeered the unravelling of the Neanderthal genome. Having conducted experiments on facial structure and pain threshold on mice and frogs respectively, they have now turned their attention to the brain. The brain organoids have been created by taking the stem cells, Neanderthal DNA being incorporated in them, and using chemical triggers to form neurons which then are fused together to form clumps a few millimetres big. These are then left to develop for around nine months. As the clumps lack any sensory input about their surroundings, they vary massively in size, shape and structures that they go onto produce. Whilst these structures are massively different and don’t resemble human brains, the formation of synapses and different regions of the brain can be seen after a mere nine months. A comparison between the human versions of these “mini brains” versus the Neanderthal version can be used to see differences between neuronal and synapse growth which could reveal key differences in neuronal structures which cause speech and organisation. In addition to this, there is also ongoing research on the differences in brain development as a result of a person having more or less Neanderthal genes functioning in their brain. Some scientists believe that there will one day be the means to take our knowledge on Neanderthal genes to the extreme, that we will one day be able to create a Neanderthal baby born by a human. Whilst the ethics and technology are not yet behind this venture, it may be possible that one day we could stare at species that diverged from human evolution and died 400,000 years ago. Photo top to bottom courtesy of Allan Coster and Lews Castle, Flickr. Photo by Chris Brooks(Flickr) p.4

p. 6 Detroit: Become Human A Neo Noir Thriller p.9 intro Sun, Socks & Sandals Interview with Till Chwoika p. 7 Minival 10 The Castle Party p. 10 Poetry Through the stylings of Sofia Siren p.12 find the IV. on social media. Look us up at /ivmagazine facebook/thegaudie | go_gaudie | @the_gaudie Editors Alex Kither & Mira Bagaeen IV Editors Arts -Enxhi Mandija Life and Style - Metodej Novotny Gaming and Tech - William Lamb Creative Directors Kevin Mathew Claire Livingston Copy Editors Uju Ofomata Julia Vallius Illustrators Simona Sima Hodonova Julia Vallius Congrats you clever lot, ‘So long and thanks for all the fish’, We wish you goodluck With love, team Highlights

p. 7 life and style | interview Hello Till, could you introduce yourself in fifteen words? I am from Germany, I study mechanical engineering. How many words do I have left? None. Why do Germans ALWAYS wear socks with sandals? Not always, only when it’s warm outside! It’s like the perfect mixture between not being cold and having the feeling of the wind between your toes. It’s for when it isn’t summer yet, but it’s nice outside, and it should be time for sandals but it’s still too cold. So you add another layer to your feet to feel comfy and have this feeling of freedom at the same time! How did you happen to start wearing socks with sandals? It just happened…. when I was young I was embarrassed because it’s such a German stereotype. But as I got older, I understood why people do this. I still don’t do it too often, but sometimes… Especially now that I don’t care about how I look, it just has to be functional. What do you mean “now”? What changed? When you are younger you want to be different from your parents, because it’s not “cool”. But as you grow up you realise there are reasons that your parent wear what they wear. I don’t remember how it happened, but it happened, I tried it -and it wasn’t the worst thing ever! What type of a person wears socks with sandals? Someone who wants to be comfortable, someone who prefers comfort over style. Because, well, I agree; it doesn’t look good… But if that’s less important to you, you choose comfort instead. Especially if you’re on holiday and you don’t really care. Also, if you don’t know how cold it’s going to be. Maybe in the morning it’s cold, so you wear socks with your sandals to keep warm, but then later in the day when it’s super warm, you just take off your socks! Problem solved. Why should the world start to wear socks with sandals? It’s practical! Also, why is it unstylish? Who defines stylish? Any other comments? For people who want to try it, I recommend black socks. As a lifestyle tip, people should try it. Just once to understand what it feels like. And then maybe they will be convinced by this incredible idea. Interview with Till Chwoika by Helene Dørup Editorial note: The combination of socks and sandals is delicate and few people can sport it without looking like utter eejits. For example, I haven’t met any so far. Personally I strive to live an aesthetic life and find this particular practice repulsive, nevertheless, it always attracted my attention when spotted on the street, in a similar way a circus freak does, or a man wearing a mullet and moustache. Persistent existence of the latter in particular make me doubt the theory of natural selection, but at the same time I cannot explain how existence of the mullets goes hand in hand with a creationist God - it has been my understanding He should be merciful. Anyway, I have been delighted upon finding that one of my writers had made the acquaintance of a young gentleman who, in his best mind, decided for the bold combination in question. I feel a detour into the soul of a person wearing sandals and socks has been lacking for a long time now and this interview has potential to finally shed some light on this obscure matter. A Genuine German on Sun, Socks & Sandals Disclaimer: Opinions expressed in the interview do not represent the official position of The Gaudie and are those of Till Chwoika.

p. 8 The academic session has come to an end and I should have more time on my hands (which I do not, don’t ask me how it’s possible), I have gotten into the habit of having porridge for breakfast every day. I cut the milk out, mix fruit and seeds in it and so it makes the impression of being very healthy. But as with all food, and it’s twice as true for healthy food, it gets boring when eaten too often. Even with porridge, Scotch gold as they call it here, the variability of flavour is somewhat limited. That’s why using buckwheat instead of oats gives it the much needed twist, similar ingredients, same procedure – slightly different taste. What more to strive for in life. Extra points if you are pagan, in Slavic languages buckwheat is called “pagan grain” because it comes from the east. Ingredients ¾ cup of buckwheat 11/3 cups of water (or water with little milk) Sweetener (honey, sugar, golden syrup…) Fruit (fresh or dried) Seeds (chia, sunflower, milled linen…) (Note: Serves 2 Persons) Method Cook buckwheat in water. Follow the instructions but overcook it for the right porridge texture, otherwise the grains will remain separated and not mushy as you want them. If you have a rice cooker, use it! Then mix everything else in. My favourite trick is to mix thinly sliced banana to the mixture right after the end of cooking, the heat changes the banana taste and releases some of it into the porridge. After such breakfast you will feel lighter and healthier than ever. life and style | comfort Buckwheat Porridge By Metodej Novotny Photo courtesy of Kati via Pinterest GRADUATION: The Death of a Try Hard With the completion of this article, I will have finished Uni just as I spent, well, much of it: in my pajamas, consuming medically excessive amounts of coffee, furiously writing something that was supposed to be due two days ago. Or maybe three. I can’t remember. Look, it didn’t always use to be like this. When I started Uni I had, well, graderelated aspirations, as I’m sure many of us do. It’s just that increasingly as my understanding of the big picture grows bigger, the importance of a few letters and numbers and arbitrary guidelines seems increasingly pointless. Or maybe that’s just a side effect of my pre-grad existential crisis, and oh boy am I not alone in having one of those. Graduating is a relatively big deal, particularly if, like me, you went straight to Uni from school and have never had to live without bureaucratically enforced norms and a standard by which to judge your performance. It’s a bit scary. How do I do well when there’s no way for me to understand what that means anymore? Parental expectations really only go so far once you’re adult enough to have your own kitchen to fill with dirty dishes and takeaway containers. I feel like mum’s priority might actually be “Clean kitchen” > “important job as doctor” so honestly once you’ve started down the path of “fuck it” there’s really no point in seeking redemption on that front. Which is not to say that all is lost and everyone should panic. Fundamentally, if I understand this correctly, the universal truth is that no one knows what they’re doing, and our entire planet is filled with people who are literally just making it up as they go along. I’ve watched friends work themselves into panic attacks over 3,000 word essays their professors will finish grading in a bored twenty minutes, and I’ve seen others waltz into their professors’ office late, with a half assed excuse, but a legitimate interest in talking to them, get A’s and a conversation in the bargain. Similarly, some people spend hours applying at great labor online for jobs which refuse to even reply, while others know someone who knows someone, and they walk in without a fuss. The reality is, how much you try doesn’t really matter if what you do doesn’t fit with what other people are looking for. Academics aren’t really looking for the right font size and exactly 18 academic citations; they are looking for the sound beginnings to academic research that demonstrate you understand the subject and have something to say about it. Employers aren’t really just looking for the best degree you could have, they’re looking for a person who will fit into their workspace and perform the job they need to fill better than any other candidates. The little things don’t really matter; they’re just a way of streamlining and standardizing the process. It’s so easy to get tricked into feeling like we as young people have (and are always somehow failing) to perform to the impossible expectations of a rigid world that always seems to know better - and it’s a load of bullsh*t, because everyone is always just going based on what they know, and that leaves an insane spectrum of truths, realities, and enforceable norms for us to choose from and be affected by in living our lives. Is that too existential? I recognize that may be a bit existential. The point is this: finishing Uni is a little scary, but it’s also a little sad. Every once in a while someone will throw in the quote “these are the best years of your lives”, and you feel a little bummed out that it’s over. While that’s probably only true for some people (there were those who said it about High School, too, and now they seem well set to move back home and turn into their parents) the fact remains that these four years are intense: the friends you make, the things you learn about everything, the places you go, and the things you realize it is possible to do. Aberdeen has often left me with a great appreciation for other places, but in truth it has been the perfect home for how my life in University progressed: weirdly creative, alcohol flavored, with the best friends who will last far longer than the time we spent together here, and the final, stable understanding that while Universities are hotbeds of ideology and change, it’s only once you leave that you truly have the capacity to make a difference. By Hanna Kahlert

p. 9 gaming and tech | video games WARNING: SPOILERS! Detroit: Become human is an action adventure, neo-noir thriller developed by Quantic Dream and published as a PS4 exclusive by Sony Interactive Entertainment. Quantic Dream is well known for their play style in which player choice drives the story forward as seen in the previous narrative driven thrillers: Heavy Rain and Beyond Two Souls; Detroit: Become Human is no different. The game is set in the year 2038 and depicts a futuristic society in which humanoid androids are commonplace. They are designed to be household companions, to cook, clean and do household chores and are for many seen as a blessing. The plot revolves around three android characters; Kara a newly created housekeeper android that develops artificial consciousness. Conner, a police android and Markus a sentient android devoted to releasing all androids from servitude. The story of each character is driven by the player’s choices, and as the story unfolds, luckily there are options to rewind and replay specific events in order to reshape the outcome. In anticipation of the full release, a demo of the game is currently available to download from the PlayStation Store. This is around thirty minutes in length and centres around a specific scenario entitled ‘The Hostage’. Here you play as Connor, the specially designed police android, and have to investigate clues to understand the events that have taken place: doing so increases your probability of success when you ultimately face a deviant android holding a young girl at gunpoint. Your mission is to save the hostage at all costs. Having played through the demo, my initial thoughts are that the game is both graphically stunning and incredibly immersive. You start to feel as if you are pulling together all the pieces of the puzzle using Connor’s ability to analyse clues and re-enact previous events. The added ability to make decisions in how you approach the situation is what Quantic Dream does best, the game makes you question not only your choices, but your morals too. It leaves you wondering what would happen if you did things differently. The great thing about that is a new feature of this game: a flowchart that shows you each of the choices you made and the outcome they lead to. This allows you not only to view your decision in comparison to friends and other players worldwide, but also allows you to replay the scene, giving you a chance to get the ending you wanted or even just to see how else it could have played out. Detroit: Become Human is an engaging, immersive world that paints a picture of what may be the not too distant future. I personally love story driven games, and the demo for this gives a fantastic insight into Quantic’s complex and well thought out world. I will, without doubt, be taking the time to investigate alternative endings and am eagerly looking forward to the release. If you’re new to this style of gameplay then check out the trailers and play the demo if you get a chance you may be pleasantly surprised. If, like me, you love narrative driven games and are a fan of Quantic Dreams previous releases, this will be an enjoyable and engaging game. DETROIT: BECOME HUMAN A Neo-Noir Thriller By Amy Shepherd Developer: Quantic Dream Platform: PS4 Release: May 25th Price: £48 Rating: 4/5 Rogue Androids

p. 10 arts | festivals By Bianca Rhodes We’ve all heard it – Aberdeen cultural wasteland, Aberdeen oil, granite and seagulls. Once again, we strive to dispute it – and we have proof. Going by the upbeat moniker of Minival – a condensed ‘mini Carnival’ – Ravi and Cristof have been introducing Scottish crowds to new electronic live music since 2008. In May, they celebrated their 10th birthday in grand style under the beautiful shadow of Kincardine Castle, to the beat of some of the most exciting acts in electronic music at the moment. As with all the best things in life, Minival started almost accidentally: a messy kitchen in Johnston Hall of Residence armed with a few speakers and DJ gear and first year students throwing a party for the sake of a night of good fun. Before you knew it, over the rest of the year the whole block of flats joined in the now monthly parties, until the concern for health and safety became pressing: when too many people started piling up in the kitchens, they had to move out. Luckily, Aberdeen has got miles of coastline and, in May, you can almost rely on the weather if you want to spend time outdoors. Minival got themselves a name, created an event page, dragged equipment for half an hour along the beach, turned the volume up. Hillhead heard about it – hundreds of people soon came marching along, and what a night that was. From then on, wildfire. Ravi and Cristof kept hosting regular parties fostering collaborations with DJs within the student community and interacting with venues around town. Location was never secondary: weather permitting, they always wanted to keep the vibe of an outdoor, daytime festival. Most important, though, was the sense of community. Ravi emphasizes how crucial it was both in creating and sustaining Minival: in a relatively small city like Aberdeen, it was important to bring together a group of individuals sharing the same interest in music to build and grow a community with a wider outreach beyond the student niche. A constant concern was also the need to introduce Aberdeen to music that the city had not heard before: discovering new artists in gigs around Scotland, Minival would then get them to come to Aberdeen, opening the city to the wider Scottish and British music scene. Coinciding with the explosion of electronic music and its plethora of diverse subgenres, they were treading a fertile ground, eventually starting to enrich the stage with international DJs. Even after graduating and moving out, expanding the brand with events in London and Edinburgh, Cristof and Ravi have kept coming back to Aberdeen, playing in venues so diverse as Tunnels and Codona’s theme park. Although he senses that the community has got slightly lost over time, and even though the crowds keep changing and there’s new people to meet every year, Ravi remains enthusiastic – ‘There’s just something about the Scottish crowds – they’re mental!’. There’s no plans to stop anytime soon – just to get bigger and bigger, building on a wider outreach. This year’s birthday party exploded with the excitement piled up over 10 years. Graced by dazzling sunshine, the gardens at the foot of Kincardine Castle were slowly flooded with a dancing crowd and blaring music. A little hesitant at the kindling, Awesome Tapes from Africa kicked off the party with a mind-blowing set that lit up the dance floor, mixing tapes that ranged from Afrobeat to reggae, jazz and funk – the perfect aperitif cocktail to set the mood for a thrilling party. Gerd Janson’s beat lead the crowd towards a different direction – more truthfully dance and electronic, the pounding, almost hypnotic rhythm eventually brought the audience to a moment of relative quiet, before Nightmares on Wax rushed everyone back to the dance floor, as the afternoon advanced. The local acts, in a smaller, private dome rather isolated from the rest, provided an interesting diversion from the main stage. The day rolled by in an atmosphere of enthusiasm, friendliness and sheer, unbashful fun. Definitely an event to look out for again next year. From Student Halls to Country Castles

p. 11 Film Reviews Album Reviews arts | reviews By Daniel Mohr Set in a world where most of humanity has been wiped out by monsters who hunt whatever makes a sound, A Quiet Place tells the story of a family trying to survive without making any noise, as a single broken plate could lead to a fatal disaster. This movie is no ordinary monster film: the post apocalyptic set remains secondary to the main themes of the importance of family and the lengths one is willing to go to in order to protect it. As a result, the film feels somewhat different from other horror movies, since it spends time exploring its characters and their relationships in more depth. Yet, A Quiet Place is undeniably a horror, and to that a horror done right: with very few lines of dialogue, the story is told mostly through visuals, gradually building up a dense atmosphere without relying on too many jump scares. The only major deficit of the movie is the absence of any clear rules that would determine which sounds are loud enough to trigger the monsters and which are not. Although full of scary monsters and some clichés of the genre, A Quiet Place stands out as a horror film because of its likeable characters, heartfelt story and its core themes. While it is beautiful in the way it looks and sounds, it remains a terrifying film. By Sofia Ferrara Jeune Femme is a film that explores femininity, love, disappointment, pregnancy, motherhood, family, obsession, identity crisis, loneliness – at least, this is what it communicated to me. Surely, the busy crowd in the cinema that day (three adventurous folk) would tell a different story. Director Léonor Serraille does not allow her audience to sit back and passively swallow the images on screen, but rather encourages them to fill in the gaps of the narrative with their own experience. She urges the viewers to contribute to the story, to actively participate, almost as characters themselves. Protagonist Paula Simonian is a quirky, unconventional, slightly neurotic figure: not somebody everyone aspires to become, and a rather difficult character to empathise with. Yet by the end of the film she managed to sneak so deep into me that her choices felt like my own – I spent the second part of the film living through Paula’s body and looking at Paris out of the windows of her eyes. The level of empathy that Serraille is able to arouse allows for her character to become a second skin for the viewer, guiding the spectator’s body through the story – something that makes Jeune Femme almost a sensorial, physical experience. By Harry Mathieson ‘Love Is Dead’, the third album from Glaswegian synth-pop trio Chvrches, represents the group’s shameless attempts at penetrating the chart-friendly mainstream. However, by bowing to the demands of the average unengaged listener, they only end up sacrificing everything that once made them interesting in the first place. It is true that Chvrches have never pushed themselves too far from the shores of accessibility. Yet, the naïvely charming grandiosity that defined previous albums has now been replaced with bland and hyper-compressed sugar-pop. The once forward-thinking arpeggiators that painted colourful canvases beneath Lauryn Mayberry’s impressive vocal range now sound dated and unexciting. Because of this musical regression Mayberry’s vocals have no earworms to hide behind, and the lack of emotional depth and reliance on clichés in her lyrics is laid bare. Catchy hooks, the backbone of any good Chvrches song, are almost non-existent. It is hard to pinpoint any highlight from the homogeneity (‘Forever’, perhaps, with its glittering 80s synths and phased guitar leads comes closest). Instead, it is far easier to list the downfalls; lead single ‘Miracle’ is unpleasantly overdramatic, while just one listen to the mind-numbing chorus of ‘Never Say Die’ and you can almost feel your IQ levels plummet. In short, Chvrches’ new album evokes the worst possible emotional response from music; boredom. ‘Love Is Dead’ is unadventurous, unexciting and, perhaps thankfully, completely forgettable within seconds of ending. By William Jones In an age filled with plenty of meaningless music, Father John Misty has been a breath of fresh air ever since his first album in 2012. Now on his fourth record, the legendary – and I don’t use that word lightly – singer/songwriter has you hooked from the very first song. Almost picking up from where his last album Pure Comedy, only released a year ago, left off, God’s Favourite Customer is just as poetic as you would expect. The record starts with the slightly humorous track “Hangout At The Gallows”, then progressively develops into more mellow tones. Each song appears finely and carefully crafted, production being assisted by Jonathan Wilson. It is an album that could easily fit into the early 1970s singer/songwriter era, having the piano and the vocals at its very heart – yet, retaining a fresh, distinct 2018 feeling about it. If you are looking for a meaningful and well thought through new album, don’t be tempted by Kanye, but try Father John Misty – you won’t regret it. A QUIET PLACE JEUNE FEMME CHVRCHES Love is Dead FATHER JOHN MISTY God’s Favorite Customer

p. 12 arts | poetry In the melting pot of nationalities - bright eyed and terrified to Find the signal in the noise that is future Brains have been downloaded with lecture outlines, neural details, mathematical equations Gunfire cracks We put our hopes into new capital cities, innovations no more freewheelers in group-projects Thousands of faces are carved into our futures Light shall gather in us Allowing us to bloom If stagnation holds us in its arms Perhaps reckless optimism is to be planted and nurtured To locate our voice - a jungle drum or a bold roar Finding the signal in the noise Are we old enough to know better? Maybe later Farewell kisses taste like gin & tonic as We let life continue to teach its evergreen lessons Hoping radical self-compassion soothes us post-hoc New questions arise which remain empty of answers In the language of a dark era Is it then less about When will this end? And more about What can I learn while in the middle of it? To-do-list: Finding sparks for a better tomorrow Hoping none of us revolutionary children Have to frown and think on the porch of old age while reminiscing the past in an armchair I think I left something important there. By Sofia Siren

18.06.18 Features Editor: Alice King thegaudie.com/features The Gaudie By Grant Lawrie Nineteen Sixty Eight was a year marked by global social and political upheaval, from the Civil Rights movement to the worldwide protests staged against the Vietnam War. One of the year’s most resonating events, however, took place in France, fifty years ago last month. May ’68, beginning months before with a minor dispute regarding students’ rights to share dorms with the opposite sex, culminated in outright social revolution that saw the complete shutdown of France’s economy and national governance. Students, intellectuals, teachers and workers took part in the construction of barricades, occupations and strikes, highlighting their disillusionment with the paternalistic conservatism of the contemporary Gaullist leadership. Beyond the political aspirations of its participants, May ’68 represented a boiling point of discontent, a moment in time when French society split across social and generational lines, and when young people voiced their collective anger against a society that they themselves did not feel part of. Today, the events of May ‘68 can seem obsolete: History, as Francis Fukuyama pointed out, has ended. The world is no longer divided along political polarities of Communism and Capitalism, and the victory of Western liberal democracy on the global political battlefield has seen the strengthening of opportunity, utilitarian wellbeing and social mobility for those of us lucky enough to be born on the right side of the poverty line. With this hegemonic rise, the University system itself is less and less the arena of criticism it once stood for, instead resembling a factory ready to churn out young citizens armed with the right qualifications to serve an indisputable social system. We have reached a point of apparent ease, whereby the need to question the current climate appears redundant. On a local level, this past academic year has seen its fair share of political tensions at the University of Aberdeen, from cancelled rector elections to lecturers’ participation in nationwide strikes regarding pension cuts. Regarding the latter, while it is true that a good number of students turned out to join picket lines and support striking staff, the general feeling amongst the student body was a cocktail of disinterest, disgruntlement and apathy. Crossing the picket-lines, eyes were glued to the pavement, headphones stuffed into ears, leaflets awkwardly accepted before being discarded into pockets. That is, until the strikes stopped being a holiday and started to affect actual teaching, whereby disinterest turned to anger at the ‘selfishness’ of striking staff. Students could be heard complaining that they were paying for their education and therefore demanded the product they had purchased, as if unaware that the existence of a healthy education system requires the existence of a financially sustainable teaching staff to provide it. All this, remember, while former principal Ian Diamond lazed in the shadows on his comfortable wage of over £350,000 per annum. The occupation of the Regent Building, headed by members of the Aberdeen Student Left, was a symbolic exercise that wielded zero tangible results. This is due in no small part to the lack of support from fellow students whose interest dwindled once the excitement of viral videos of their peers being bundled around by university staff lost traction. A week after the initial scuffle those in the occupation were practically forgotten, along with their demands. The decision to postpone the strike for exams was welcomed by the majority but represented an overall failure in garnering unified support amongst the student body. If the events of fifty years ago in Paris represented the strength of student collectivism, then what has taken place this past year on our own campus is evidence of a society-wide hegemony of individualism. The ‘We’ of 1968 has been replace by the ‘I’ of 2018. Yet the apathy towards both student and nationwide politics should not be confused with support for the status quo. Speak to many students during the strikes and they would generally have pledged sympathy for their lecturers, with issues arising only as soon as it began to affect their own academic career. The triumph of individualism is the zeitgeist of the times. Students are no longer the utopian visionaries of yesteryear, dreaming naively of a better future against the ridicule of the older generations in power. Instead, they are an increasingly studious but increasingly unengaged demographic. The university conveyor belt conceives those skilled in learning disposable facts and organising insular social gatherings, but who remain generally uninterested in questioning the actual climate of the times they live in. To accept the dominance of the current political system does not equate to accepting it as faultless. Many nowadays aren’t wholeheartedly supportive of the current political climate but are understandably comfortable enough not to bother seeking change. The call for engagement, therefore, should not represent a naïve call for chaotic revolutionary activity in the name of revolt for its own sake. The answer is not to go tearing up the cobblestones on College Bounds, nor do we want to see Police Scotland charging riot shielded down the causeway from Sir Duncan Rice Library before an angry student youth fighting on the vague sentiments of some social utopia. However, actual critical engagement remains lacking. To speak politics with many students nowadays is to be met with either glazed eyes or ridicule. People are keen to express general allegiances and turn up to student political events, but the whole thing resembles playground politics, more concerned with basic spats over minor allegiances without any look towards actual engagement or worthwhile action. The university itself should be a space for critical thinking. This requires discussion, open-ended debate, and the increased participation of both students and staff in shaping a university they can feel part of and, most importantly, change. This means not shunning potentially problematic topics in tutorials because they may be divisive, as well as not shutting down those with absurd ideas in petty shouting matches. Only through engaging opponents and attempting to reach a potential synthesis can any worthwhile effect be made. The events of May 1968 were not successful, and little was attained in terms of the grand goals set out by the students themselves. However, it remains significant in that it marked a point where younger generations voiced their concerns with the direction their society appeared to be leading them towards. Today’s widespread alienation with politics on all levels highlights the general feeling that all that can be done is look out for yourself and your own future. Universities must resurrect their status as critical arenas that question the zeitgeist of the times and function not merely as another corporate apparatus. The more students churned out whose only intent is to secure a financially stable job, the less intrigued and critically-minded individuals will be making their way into our society. Generation upon generation, we will become stagnant, and history will truly end, not because we have eradicated all social problems, but because none of us will be bothered to do anything to change them. The Triumph of Individualism Locating the Spirit of May ‘68, Fifty Years On Photo courtesy of Wikimedia Commons p.13 p. 13

18.06.18 By Susan Dunham The Diamond Legacy With a successor announced we take a look back at the last eight years under Professor Sir Ian Diamond I began research for this piece back in August 2017 when Professor Sir Ian Diamond first announced his retirement as Principal and Vice-Chancellor of the University of Aberdeen, however I soon decided to put the project on hold after some advice from a senior member of staff. They explained to me that inherent problems would arise with attempting to realise a ‘legacy’ before a successor had been selected. Often the process of appointing a new Principal is a lengthy one, which sees the former principal continuing to work far beyond the announcement of their retirement. A legacy is all about timing, and it doesn’t pay to fire prematurely. In quite simple terms - don’t write the obituary before the body has been buried. Now, almost a year on, a successor had been selected and so we are given the opportunity to reflect of what were the Diamond years of our University; eight years of mild yet forgettable discontent. As a statistician, Diamond’s approach to University management has always seemed to follow one constant trend – the need for efficiency. As Chair of the Universities UK Group on Efficiency, Diamond has led on two efficiency reviews and has been a regular contributor to the Efficiency Exchange website, writing articles based on report findings that promote the ‘national success story’ of UUK. Far beyond being a buzzword, ‘efficiency’ appears to be Diamond’s mantra. In February 2015, Diamond authored the article, ‘Efficiency, effectiveness and value for money – a new agenda for higher education’ in which he identifies “that every pound invested in higher education is a sound investment”. He asserts that in order to maintain our international standing and stay financially sustainable amidst a growing competitive market, we must promote the efficient use of resources through austerity. Shrewd future investment is key if shareholders expect to see a fair return. Ultimately, according to the Diamond theory, a University must prioritise the aim to “[deliver] efficiency and value for money”. The question remains however – is this efficiency and value to the benefit of students and staff, or does it benefit shareholders, investors and senior management figures? To understand this, we must separate Diamond as the theorist from the Principal in order to realise his legacy. Do his promises of total efficiency and value for money truly deliver when put into practice? When Diamond took the position in April 2010 Aberdeen was #149 in the Times Higher Education World University Rankings whereas now, despite a significant climb of almost 20 places in the UK ranking system, we sit at #185 globally. If our international standing is so crucial to the future of our University, the numbers are not on our side. However, statistics can certainly be deceptive and there are undoubtedly countless factors which have weighed in to how these tables are constructed. Upon the announcement of his retirement, the University provided their own legacy of the Diamond years, highlighting some of his most ‘transformational changes’. Roughly half of these changes are the opening of various buildings – the aquatics centre (2014), the Rocking Horse nursery (2016), the new Rowlett Institute research facilities (2017) and of course the Sir Duncan Rice library (2012). Besides these construction projects, most of the other details remain fairly vague, the likes of ‘improving performance’ and ‘celebrating the co-curriculum’. The only points which really stand out in this brief overview refer to the University’s internationalism agenda, something which Diamond has championed over the course of his written works and conference presentations. While there is undoubtedly a need in higher education today to internationalise, it is difficult to say whether Diamond’s agenda was truly for the betterment of the University or rather acted as vanity projects. Just because we could establish new partnerships and construct new campuses, does that necessarily mean we were in the financial position to do so? Most notable is the debacle surrounding the proposed South Korean campus in Hadong, initially devised in 2013 to provide specialist courses in oil and gas. However, due to severely reduced demand the University changed the focus to renewable energy engineering, causing major delays and provoking threats of legal action from local government officials hoping to recoup money already invested in the failing project. This does not fall in line with the austere approach to investment and financial sustainability that Diamond mentioned in his published work. However, not all international exploits have fallen flat. Despite its controversial inception, the Qatar campus is now the first UK University to offer mainstream degrees in business management, accounting and finance in the state, with the intentions of widening to other disciplines as demand grows. The development of international projects and partnerships seems to have been crucial, not just for Diamond, but also to the University as a whole. In a meeting of the Court in December 2017, amidst discussing the appointment of a new principal, they highlighted the importance of “enhancing the University’s internationalisation agenda including international partnerships and the TNE”. The internationalisation agenda has been central to the last few years, and it is a similar story with many UK universities, as they build up their international reputations in a game of brinksmanship. However, while international reach is at the forefront, interest in the Aberdeen campus on a micro level seems to have a lesser priority. Some minor controversy sparked last year when Diamond was revealed to be one of the highest earning Principal in the UK, and second in Scotland, gaining an increase of 11% to his income taking it up to £352,000, with accommodation provided by the University. In response to the media coverage of this revelation, a University spokeswoman said his salary “is determined by an annual appraisal of performance”. Appraisals, progress reports and austere investment appear to be defining features of the Diamond years. However, many staff and students at the University were outraged when comparing the annual income of the Principal to the average salary of staff, recent redundancies, the cost of accommodation prices and the lack of funding the University is putting into disused campus sites. Seemingly unfair or poorly judged practice again found itself justified by statistics. Ultimately, Diamond’s obsession with statistics has created a profound disillusionment where abstract and occasionally arbitrary rates of ‘efficiency’ and ‘value for money’ have superseded the reality of running a successful University on the micro level. This, however, is inevitable. With Diamond’s heavy involvement at Efficiency conferences, writing up UUK progress reports and breaking down statistics, a gulf between statistics and on-campus realities will emerge. This distance justifies the decisions, for better or worse, which have been made during the last eight years. However, as a consequence of this, we are left now with a sense of uncertainty as to how far we have come, where we are and where we are going. While enormous international and business projects and partnerships are being planned many individuals find themselves alienated by the current management system. Ultimately, besides the reports and conference talks, Ian Diamond’s legacy will be a library that was named after his predecessor. When Diamond took the position in April 2010 Aberdeen was #149 in the Times Higher Education World University Rankings whereas now, despite a significant climb of almost 20 places in the UK ranking system, we sit at #185 globally. Editor: Marijke Kirchner The Gaudie Opine Photo courtesy of Efficiency Exchange p.14

18.06.18 thegaudie.com/opine Jack of all Cabinet Briefs, Master of None The “Let me give you all that you want” Diplomacy Sunny days, summits and brotherly hugs in North Korea On a wonderful sunny day, a leader of one half of the Korean nation made the historic step and crossed the cruel boundary dividing the two Koreas. vaacPerfect photo poses were struck and for few moments starry-eyed throngs of journalists were able to snap countless pictures of the historic moment of rapprochement of the two heads of state. In the following talks, speeches were made and it was agreed that, “The South and the North share the wish to terminate the existing armistice regime and to build a permanent peace regime, and cooperate to pursue issues related to declaring the end of the Korean War (…)”. Then, it all fell apart. Naturally, I am speaking of the 2007 summit between the South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun and the Chairman Kim Jong-il. I feel your confusion. You thought that I was talking about something completely different. Do not despair, because I shall fast forward to another day inscribed in the annals of history. On that day, North Korea signed a pivotal deal declaring its intention to freeze its nuclear programme in exchange for aid. This deal and planned talks enticed the US media to speak of cautious optimism and a palatable scent of hope was spreading. The deal was, of course, the Leap Day agreement of 2012. If before you were a bit annoyed with me, perhaps you are starting to feel the pangs of anger now. Maybe after I mention the spectacular failures of the negotiations dating to the Clinton era or the dazzling collapse of the years of the so-called Sunshine policy instituted by the South, you may reach the same mix of a state of Zen and a scalding hot anger that I have been experiencing since the first news of the most recent rapprochement. If you ask an average Joe or Jane of the general Euro-American populace about the North Korean leader, you may get an expression of the prevalent belief in Kim Jong-un’s insanity or the opinion that he is bereft of the ability to think logically. These beliefs are deeply rooted among the people and the CNN talking heads do their best to reinforce them. Therein lies the poisoned needle that pricks our thin skin in negotiations that seem to crop up every decade or so. Kim Jong-un and his entire family are cruel monsters devoid of any ability to feel compassion towards anything other than their own wellbeing. Chairman Kim lacks all that makes us human, except his sanity and superior reasoning abilities. There is only one truth in the whole situation and it is surprisingly simple. Based on the history of the last 60 or so years, we can confidently say that when ruthless regimes open to the democratic world, they fall. It is information that kills dictators and Mr Kim is very well-aware of that fact. Let’s dispose of the absurd and entirely naïve notions that the recent warming of relations has anything to do with a desire for peace. North Korean leadership has a set of very specific needs and it knows how to get what it requires. On the other hand, this time around the talks really are historic. This time, we are giving them all that they asked for and even more without the protracted need to negotiate. In a way, it is a brilliant move by Donald Trump. It will save us the bother of negotiation and soon we will be able to get back to hostilities. North Korea is like a magician and Donald is like the wide-eyed kid that gets called out to the stage. The magician does what he does, because he would like to make some money and if he is really good he can rely upon it as the sole income. North Korea is the best foreign relations magician in history, rivalled only by Putin’s Russia. The Sunshine Policy championed by the South at the turn of the century provided the much needed hard currency and enticed many foreigners (mainly of Chinese origin) to visit the socialist paradise and bring more of it with them. In the early 2000s, the South figured out that it is not really getting much back and the new governments stopped funding the North Korean nuclear programme, hence the summit and deals in 2007 and 2012 to lower the pressure. The new autocrat Kim and his sister have had many years to learn through observation and they did just that. Their current game surpasses anything that came before. The push for nukes ratcheted up tensions, allowing North Korea greater leverage, the result of which are the current magnanimous offers, including the destruction of the nuclear test site which had been rendered useless by landslides anyway. Whatever meetings may happen or not, whatever deals may be signed or not, it does not change the fact that North Korea is getting everything it wants and we are getting zilch back. Once the moneybags are safely in, Kim will shut the door in Trump’s face and I shall be laughing bitterly. The real keys to North Korean freedom lie in Chinese hands. By Michael Vilímek By Ninian Wilson Let’s dispose of the absurd and entirely naïve notions that the recent warming of relations has anything to do with a desire for peace. When one graduates, there’s a sense of impending doom, crippling uncertainty and personal incompetence. Surely I, this avocado addled millennial that the media derides and blames for all society’s woes, can’t become successful? In my moment of doubt, I turned on the radio to hear: ‘Boris Johnson was tricked into an 18-minute phone call with a man pretending to be the Armenian PM’ to which I thought ‘You know what? I think I’ll be fine’. It’s been a crazy year for ourselves and the Foreign Secretary, but if he can stay employed then the job market is going to love us. Before looking forward into the Brexit dominated horizon, let’s look back. It’s mid September and the student body is laid out from Fresher’s week. Meanwhile, down in London, Boris Johnson has written an article in the The Daily Telegraph outlining his ‘vision for a bold, thriving Britain enabled by Brexit’. However, it wasn’t so much an article as it was two propped fingers to the government’s Brexit strategy, as he had fundamentally undermined his colleagues work and steadfast conventions of government. As it turned out, it wasn’t a firing offence but it did feel like last chance saloon. The uni equivalent would be like writing a Tab article aimed at your tutor claiming you could teach the course better and not getting kicked off the class. Ever the individual, Boris had marked himself as the unsackable rogue of the cabinet family. Not too long later, the then First Secretary of State, Damian Green, got fired for inappropriately touching an aide on the knee and having pornography on his computer, which he lied about to colleagues. Despite being May’s right hand man, he was duly given his P45. However, May did state that she ‘greatly appreciated’ his hard work and displayed something like remorse over his departure. I wonder if she lamented the disparity between Green and Johnson’s exploits. In January, as we suffered the postChristmas hang, Theresa May had her own headache to deal with. Mr Johnson seriously jeopardized his place in the government’s group chat as he publicly demanded £100 million more a week for the NHS, contrary to government policy and a matter outwith his cabinet brief. Clearly trying to save face from the Brexit bus-side promise, this was a move that was at best self-serving and at worst an attempt to destabilize the government. However, he had finally earned a reprimand. The Times reported that he was ‘humiliated’ in the subsequent cabinet meeting. I like to imagine it was Johnson being given one last chance before being kicked out of the WhatsApp group after one too many rogue moves. There’s only so many times you can snake your pals and get away with it, right? Like any group of elite southerners’ worthy of the public eye, drama was never far away. Amber Rudd, May’s protégée, had to fall on her sword for her boss’ sake. As the most overtly racist government policy in living memory had confused illegal immigrants with legitimate residents of the Windrush generation, someone was going to have to take the fall. Ministerial Responsibility demanded it. As the policy had been conceived, implemented and maintained by Theresa May while she was Home Secretary, obviously it couldn’t be her. No, instead she would send her everloyal, order-following subordinate to the chop in her stead. To be fair, Rudd had ‘inadvertently misled the Home Affairs Select Committee [...] on the issue of illegal immigration’, despite a private letter published by The Guardian from Rudd to Downing Street showing that her mistruth was nothing if not advertent. Whether she was the real culprit, deserved or no, she had to go. Somehow, Ministerial Responsibility could not demand the same of Johnson. As those who had roasted him in the cabinet fell in his wake, Boris has continued to make waves. Recently, he has gotten into logger-heads with No. 10 regarding Britain’s place in the customs union, which would limit his role as the forger of new trade deals all over the world. The overt manner in which he exhibits his disgruntlement with the government is beneath the standards of the auspicious role of Foreign Secretary. Regardless, he has refused to play by the rules or be cast aside for a more loyal candidate. As a role model, I’m not sure what lessons to take from his tenure as Britain’s first diplomat. Should we perform the duties beset us in earnest servitude, while leaving ourselves open to the scythe of professional circumstance, or maintain a keen sense of self-preservation to survive in this dog eat dog world? I think a lot of us will have to learn the answer to that for ourselves as we graduate and enter the adult world. As the professional standards of the executive have never been lower, what should we expect for the future? Photo left to right courtesy of Republic of Korea and Asian News, Flickr. Opine Editor: Marijke Kirchner The Gaudie p.15

18.06.18 The FIFA World Cup – football’s biggest stage It’ll be a football frenzy in Russia, the 2018 FIFA World Cup is ready for action. Sports Editor: Tom Molnara The Gaudie thegaudie.com/sports Puzzles Editor: Sarah Gedes The Gaudie thegaudie.com/puzzles Across 6. Fear of the number thirteen (17) 9. Decorative stone (5) 10. Mediterranean cuisine, styled to encourage conversation (5) 11. Apply physical or mental effort (5) 12. Network acting as intermediary between clients (5) 15. Assert through experience truth or accuracy (5) 17. Strength, in contrast to intelligence (5) 18. Area of mandated responsibility (5) 19. Republic formerly known as Bohemia (5) 20. Substance that “deforms” or flows (5) 22. County north-east of London (5) 24. Iron Age inhabitants of Britain (5) 26. White blood cells that fight bacteria (5) 28. Devotional observance (5) 29. Futile conversation (phrase) (7,1,4,5) 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 Down 1. Research Quells Vet (anag.) (10,7) 2. Structure composed of cranium and mandible (5) 3. Ancient Greek storyteller (5) 4. Mammal of the order Cetacea (5) 5. Evaluation of the written word (8,9) 7. Mythical river between Earth and the Underworld (4) 8. Civil, public restraining order (abbrev.) (4) 13. Relating to the kidneys (5) 14. Surrender to pressure (5) 15. Opinion or attitude (5) 16. Storage for future data requests (5) 21. Inert (4) 23. Famous neighbourhood of Manhattan (4) 25. Emotionally patient and forebearing (5) 27. Temperamental, fickle (5) 28. Pro-Axis government of WWII France (5) 3 9 1 4 2 8 3 6 7 3 5 6 1 7 2 5 1 5 8 1 9 2 4 STANDARDSUDOKU 5 9 2 3 3 1 4 2 7 7 6 5 4 9 5 8 9 8 1 3 7 5 9 1 5 3 7 7 6 1 4 2 6 2 1 5 Visit www.thegaudie.com for solutions ADVANCEDSUDOKU Every four years, football fans from all over the world come together to watch the spectacle that is the FIFA World Cup, producing some of the most memorable moments in the history of the game. From Diego Maradona’s ‘Hand of God’ to Zinedine Zidane’s famous head butt, the tournament never fails to entertain, and this year’s is hoped to be just as eventful as previous tournaments. The 2018 FIFA World Cup will be hosted by Russia, who is ranked 65th in the world. A total of 65 matches will be held across 11 different cities from June 14th up until the final on July 15th. There are 12 venues which will see 32 national teams compete for the FIFA World Cup Trophy, currently in the possession of the reigning world champions, Germany. 20 teams are making back-to-back world cup appearances following the 2014 tournament held in Brazil, and world greats Cristiano Ronaldo and Lionel Messi are both playing in their fourth World Cup. Regarded as two of the greatest football players of all time, the duo could be putting aside their international duties after the tournament, ending outstanding careers with each leading their respective countries in all-time goals scored. Will it be a dream end for the two? Or will they suffer heartbreak? The tournament is renowned for being unpredictable, so anything can happen. Ronaldo and Messi each stand a good chance in the tournament, with Portugal and Argentina ranked 4th and 5th among the world and are expected to progress through to the knockout rounds. This stage of the FIFA World Cup sees the top two teams from the 8 groups face off until only the two best battle out to lift the trophy. Many are predicting previous winners Germany as favourites this year, especially considering Manuel Neuer is back healthy after suffering a foot injury in September. However, Joachim Löw’s side had a scare in their final World Cup warm up game, barely beating Saudi Arabia 2-1 thanks to an own goal by Om Hawsawi. Previous hosts Brazil are going in ranked 2nd in the world and look to redeem themselves after an embarrassing 2014 campaign in which the hosts lost 7-1 in the semis. Brazil are hoping to clear through the group stages with ease but this all depends on whether Neymar can perform up to his standard, considering he is recovering from surgery on a broken foot. However, he scored a stunning goal in a warm-up game against Croatia, showing he is back to good form. Despite their depth, Brazil will be weakened if he cannot replicate this in Russia, with all hope resting on his shoulders. One cannot rule out Spain and Belgium though. The two sides are currently on top form and show no sign of slowing down, especially when several players from current Premier League champs Manchester City are featuring in both squads, including midfield duo Kevin De Bruyne and David Silva. There are igh expectations for both sides as Belgium are going in 3rd in the world and Spain hold an 18-game winning streak which includes a 6-1 victory over Argentina back in March. France, who were finalists in the 2006 tournament, also have a strong campaign ahead of them but France manager Didier Deschamps left out significant players such as Manchester United’s Anthony Martial and Arsenal’s Alexandre Lacazette, each of whom has played in a final of a major tournament in the 2017 season. Nonetheless, the likes of Antoine Griezmann and Paul Pogba will lead the side deep into the knockout rounds. Although England have only gotten past the quarter-finals once since 1966, the side remains a possible favourite. Gareth Southgate named the country’s third-youngest squad in the tournament’s history, but controversy has arisen surrounding his choice of omitting Arsenal midfielder Jack Wilshere and Manchester City goalkeeper Joe Hart. Hart was England’s first-choice goalkeeper at the past three major tournaments but was left out after conceding 39 goals in 19 games whilst on loan to West Ham. Wilshere, who has had an injury-plagued career, was left out despite making 38 appearances for Arsenal in the 2017-18 season and playing at a consistent level throughout. Despite the youth of the squad, Southgate’s side has had a positive build-up to the tournament with a 2-1 victory over Nigeria and a 2-0 victory over Costa Rica. Ronaldo will once again captain Portugal, hoping to follow a successful Euro 2016 campaign that saw the side winners for the first time. However, Portugal manager Fernando Santos has left out several Euro 2016 winners including Lazio winger Nani, Barcelona midfielder Andre Gomez and Bayern Munich’s Renato Sanches. Nonetheless, the Real Madrid star will have his eye on the trophy. Messi will also be captaining his side and aims for gold after demolishing Haiti in a World Cup warm-up match. The Argentinians came 2nd in Brazil, so perhaps this is the year for the Barcelona man. Some of football’s best will be playing Russia in June. The World Cup is a scene that separates the weak from the strong. The pressure of representing an entire country at the most watched sporting event is nerve-wracking, dividing the experienced from the inexperienced. A whole month of international football is what fans thrive on and look forward to. Will legends be born? What surprises are in store? Who will be the unexpected player in the tournament? Get ready, it all begins June 14th! By Tom Molnar p.16