A Dozen Ways To Defeat Loneliness

A Dozen Ways

to Defeat
Loneliness

Dear friend,

The booklet you hold in your hands is
one in a series designed to help you with
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personal search for a better life and to
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Copyright © 2011
PROJECT: Steps to Christ, Inc.
302 Foster Road
Fort Covington, NY 12937
Printed in the USA
Scripture taken from the New King James Version.
Copyright © 1982 by Thomas Nelson,
Inc. Used by permission.
All rights reserved.

by Victor Parachin

As a social worker who directs a shelter for abused
women, I’m fulfilled with my work and contribution
to the lives of others. Yet, even though I’m very busy,
I don’t feel connected. I feel lonely.”
—Tricia, 37 years of age

“My dad died two years ago when I was 15. My life
hasn’t been easy since then. I have some good days
and many bad ones. Mostly, I feel lonely because
most people just don’t understand.”
—Will, 17 years of age

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“I have what many would call a dream job working

in California’s Silicone Valley. There I’m surrounded

by many colleagues and acquaintances. I have no

one I’d call a true friend. At times my loneliness is

overwhelming.” —Cindy, 24 years of age


“Sometimes I think there is something wrong with

me. I’m married to a fine woman, have three great

kids and a job which is satisfying and pays well. Yet,

I feel very much alone, in need of a deeper human

connection.” —Eldon, 53 years of age

L oneliness is a widespread issue faced by
many people today. Loneliness strikes the
young and the old; males and females; the
employed and unemployed; the married and sin-
gle. Loneliness is no respecter of person, gender,
age, or position in life.
Exactly how many people suffer from lone-
liness is difficult to determine, because many
people are afraid to admit they feel isolated. “In
our society, loneliness is a secret we keep—some-
times from ourselves,” notes Ann Peplau, PhD., a
professor of social psychology at UCLA who has
studied the subject for more than twenty years.

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“Loneliness has a stigma attached to it. There’s an
assumption out there that if you’re lonely, it must
be your own fault. Otherwise, you’d certainly have
lots of friends—right?” Based on her research, Dr.
Peplau speculates that “at any given time at least
ten percent of the population feels lonely.” As de-
pressing as loneliness can be, there is this good
news: loneliness can be shaped, managed and even
overcome.

Here are a dozen ways to
combat and defeat loneliness.

1 Remind Yourself You Are Not
Alone in Feeling Lonely
Loneliness is triggered when our need for
a close, caring relationship is not met. This is a
condition which almost everyone experiences at
one time or another. Remind yourself that you are
not alone in feeling lonely; that loneliness is a part
of being human. Even those who wrote the Bible
experienced bouts of loneliness. Many Psalms are
cries of loneliness. Consider these:

• Psalm 38:11—“My loved ones and my friends
stand aloof from my plague,
and my relatives
stand afar off.”

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• Psalm 102:7—“I lie awake, and am like a
sparrow alone on the housetop.”
• Psalm 31:11—“I am a reproach among all
my enemies,
but especially among my neigh-
bors, and am repulsive to my acquaintances;
those who see me outside flee from me.”

Both Job and the apostle Paul felt the sting
of loneliness. Job cried out: “All my close friends
abhor me,
and those whom I love have turned
against me” (Job 19:19).

Paul wrote: “At my first defense no one stood
with me, but all forsook me” (2 Timothy 4:16).

With His betrayal by friends, arrest by the
Jewish leaders and crucifixion by the Romans,
Jesus felt deeply the pain of loneliness. He literally
screamed His pain aloud: “My God, My God, why
have You forsaken Me?” (Matthew 27:46).

Likewise, many contemporaries have experi-
enced the pang of loneliness. The great composer
Peter Tchaikovsky wrote: “None but the lonely
heart can feel my anguish.” Henry David Thoreau
lamented: “It would give me such joy to know that
a friend had come to see me, and yet that pleasure
I seldom if ever experience.”

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Reach Out and Touch Someone
Work at your friendships. You can develop

2 a circle of friends at any stage in life. Of

course, developing friendships means making
the time to connect with others. “A lot of people,
if they think honestly, really are selfish with their
time,” says Pepper Schwartz, Ph.D., a professor of
sociology at the University of Washington. “When
somebody says, ‘Why isn’t anyone there for me?’
I have to ask, ‘Well, what have you done to deserve
a friend?’” Even though you may be very busy
with work, family and civic responsibilities, make
the time to cultivate friendships. Keep in mind
that the best way to have a friend is to first be a
friend. Try to become what you want to attract. Be
the kind of person you would want to surround
yourself with.

3 Have an Honest Look at Yourself
If your circle of meaningful friendships has
shrunk over the past months, take an emo-
tional inventory of yourself. Ask yourself if you
have become too:

• Self-absorbed—overbearing, boring, unin-
terested in others, their lives and activities.

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• Unbalanced—a loner, workaholic, or a
socially-challenged individual.
• Lazy—depending on others to do all the ini-
tiating, reaching out, inviting.
• Critical, judgmental and angry—these are all
hostile emotions which drive people away.
• Narrow-minded—closed to other points of
view; overly comfortable that your percep-
tion is always correct.

If these are problems in your life, be aware of
them and begin working at ways to minimize and
eliminate those negatives. If necessary, see a coun-
selor or therapist for guidance. By doing some
work on your inner life, you will strengthen your
social portfolio.

4 Utilize a Computer
That advice comes from Silver Spring,
Maryland resident Floyce Larson, who says:
“When my husband of 50 years died, I was lost.
I was a lonely widow, wondering what I would
do with the rest of my life.” Her son insisted she
purchase a computer and then he patiently taught
Larson how to use it. “Being online opened a whole
new world for me. I communicate via e-mail with

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distant relatives and old college friends. I chat with
Senior Net members and make friends across the
country. I resumed freelance writing and have also
been published online. The first thing I do when
I log on at six a.m. is write e-mail prayers. Soon
after, my older son pops up on an Instant Message
from Florida,” Larson explains.

5 Help Someone Who Needs Support
“The capacity to care is the thing that gives
life its greatest significance,” wrote musician
Pablo Casals. Those who volunteer their time live
longer and happier lives. Acting on compassion
and kindness brings fulfillment, joy and purpose,
as well as validating our self-worth along with
that of others. And, by responding to the needs
of others, you will allow love into your own life.
Consider the example of Ches Hudel who was 31
when her husband and nine-year-old son died in
an automobile accident four decades earlier. She
was left to raise three daughters, the youngest
was just over a year old. Today, in her 70s, she has
looked back at her journey through grief. She says
that reaching out to others was therapeutic and cut
down her own loneliness.

Mrs. Hudel began volunteering at a children’s
medical center, working with kids who had cystic

8
fibrosis. She also began teaching swimming to spe-
cial-needs children and adults, which she contin-
ues to do today at the YWCA. Her students have
such disabling conditions as Down Syndrome,
Spina Bifida and Cerebral Palsy. “You soon real-
ize you can’t indulge yourself by wishing for some-
thing that’s not going to be. When you start reach-
ing out from your world, there’s so much you can
do with yourself to meet people on the same jour-
ney, to help them meet their challenges.”

6 Be Proactive
If you’re unsatisfied with your current
friendships or feel that you’ve outgrown old
friends, go out and recruit new ones. Meet folks
beyond your job and neighborhood, enroll in an
evening course, go on a retreat, sign up to help
in a political campaign, join a sports team, par-
ticipate in a Bible study, or become a member of
your church choir. Before long, you’ll have many
new friends. Consider Carol’s experience. When
her husband took a new job in another part of the
country, “I suddenly found myself very, very lone-
ly. I missed, terribly, my old neighborhood and my
many friends. After brooding about my circum-
stances for a few weeks, I decided that enough
was enough.” Carol began intensely to reach out.

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“Although it was difficult, as I am naturally a shy
person, I forced myself to get involved and forge
new friendships. This meant being open to new
social experiences. I joined the local League of
Women Voters and rather quickly found myself
immersed in all sorts of community issues and
meeting a wide range of individuals in our city.
A year later I’ve managed to develop a very nice
circle of friends,” she says.

7 Increase Your Level of Caring
An important key for warding off loneli-
ness is care. Be a person who cares for oth-
ers, for animals, for the environment, for life and
everyone and everything around you. “When you
maintain a pattern of caring, whether for a horse,
a garden, pets, or other people, you are protecting
yourself against despair,” says Dr. Aaron Katcher,
M.D., co-author of Between Pets and People.

8 Turn to God
God is a specialist when loneliness and
anguish are deep. When it seems that no
one understands or cares about you, work to re-
mind yourself that God knows you, loves you,
cares about you and is present in your loneliness.
Turn to God in prayer, asking Him to help you

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find joy… even when things feel bleak. Let your
thoughts and feelings be redirected by reviewing
these scriptures which affirm God’s faithful love
and constant presence.

• 1 Peter 5:7— God cares about you and your
feelings: “… casting all your care upon Him,
for He cares for you.”

• Matthew 11:28-30—An invitation to find
comfort in Christ: “Come to Me, all you who
labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you
rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from
Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and
you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke
is easy and My burden is light.”

• Isaiah 43:1-4—A powerful reminder that in
hard times God is present: “But now, thus
says the Lord.… Fear not, for I have re-
deemed you; I have called you by your name;
You are Mine. When you pass through the
waters, I will be with you; and through the
rivers, they shall not overflow you. When
you walk through the fire, you shall not be
burned, nor shall the flame scorch you. For
I am the Lord your God,… Since you were
precious in My sight, you have been hon-
ored, and I have loved you.”

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• Lamentations 3:22-26—God’s love sustains

us: “His compassions fail not. They are new
every morning; great is Your faithfulness. …
The Lord is good to those who wait for Him,
to the soul who seeks Him. It is good that one
should hope and wait quietly for the salva-
tion of the Lord.”
• Joshua 1:9—God is always with you: “Be
strong and of good courage; do not be afraid,
nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is
with you wherever you go.”

9 Transform Acquaintances into Friends
All of us know people casually—colleagues
at work, retailers who serve us regularly,
adults we meet at our children’s sporting events,
and classmates at school. These casual contacts
are golden opportunities for turning acquain-
tances into friends. One easy way to do this is to
include acquaintances in events, which you plan
to do anyway.

Here are some examples:

• Suggest meeting together for a meal at a
nearby restaurant;

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• Offer an extra ticket to a sporting event or a
movie;

• Bring your families together for a local art
exhibit;

• Meet for a morning jog or round of golf;
• Go together to a farmers’ market, antique

fair or auto exhibit.

10 Turn Loneliness to Your Advantage
Just as medieval alchemists hoped to
find a way of turning lead into gold,
you can become an “emotional” alchemist who
can turn the lead of loneliness into the gold of
benefit. One woman tells of spending most of her
teen years tormented by loneliness. She was able to
break the pain of those years by discovering three
ways that loneliness became beneficial. “First,
loneliness forced me to become best friends with
myself. I began to relish long walks in the woods
or hours in the library feeding my mind. Secondly,
it made me get much, much closer to God as I read
scripture, meditated, and prayed about my feelings
of loneliness. Thirdly, having spent many years
without the company of close friends, I learned to
value them highly when I found some.” The les-
son: even if loneliness is part of your life, it does

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not need to be crippling and confining. Make it
work for you. Turn it around so that your sadness
will become gladness.

11 Apply the “As-If” Principle
Psychologist William James taught
this principle when he said: “If you
want quality, act as if you already had it.” This
means trying to act like a non-lonely person. Greet
people with a smile. Adopt a friendly, enthusiastic
tone when speaking with individuals. Get on the
phone and be in touch with others. Interact with
people whenever and wherever you can. Think,
speak, act and live like a non-lonely person.

Be guided by this wisdom from Shakespeare:
“Assume a virtue, if you have it not.” By acting “as
if ” you were not a lonely person, you will soon
possess the desired quality you are assuming.

12 Remind Yourself
“It’s Worth the Effort”
While strengthening your social port-
folio does take some work and energy, the payoff is
a richer, fuller, happier life. Lotte Prager owes her
life, and much of the happiness she enjoyed during
her 81 years, to friends. It was friends who helped
her escape Nazi Germany in 1937 by paying her

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first year’s tuition at a British college. Then friends
at the college helped her get her relatives, includ-
ing her parents, out of Germany. Following her
move to the United States, Prager met her hus-
band-to-be at a party given by other friends. After
her husband died and her children had grown up,
yet another friend helped her find an apartment
in New York City. Retired from her career as a so-
cial worker, Prager now relies on friends for com-
panionship. Prager says she is comforted in the
knowledge that “they will do for me and I will do
for them.”

***
Just remember, you don’t have to be lonely.
There are things you can do to remedy this
situation. By reaching out to God and others, you
can find happiness, peace, and inner fulfillment.

Other titles available in
the Peacefinder book series:

You Can Stop Smoking
Addiction Free
Ten Ways to Improve Your Marriage
A Dozen Ways to Defeat Loneliness
Hope in Times of Trouble
Money Management
Stress Management
Survival Tips for Single Parenting
Successful Parenting
Living with Loss
The Healing of Sorrow
Life After Death
Medical Miracle
Gentle Ways to Ease Depression

To order additional titles, visit our online

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or call 1-800-728-6872.

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