The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya

Contents

Welcome
Prologue

Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5

Epilogue
Afterword
Newsletters
Photos
Copyright

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The Sigh of Haruhi Suzumiya

Haruhi Suzumiya [2]
Nagaru Tanigawa

Little Brown Books for Young Readers (2012)

Tags: Fantasy, Young Adult, Fiction



Begin Reading
Table of Contents

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Copyright Page

In accordance with the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976, the scanning, uploading, and electronic sharing of any
part of this book without the permission of the publisher constitute unlawful piracy and theft of the author’s
intellectual property. If you would like to use material from the book (other than for review purposes), prior
written permission must be obtained by contacting the publisher at [email protected]. Thank you

for your support of the author’s rights.

First released in Japan in 2003, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya quickly established
itself as a publishing phenomenon, drawing much of its inspiration from Japanese pop
culture and Japanese comics in particular. With this foundation, the original publication of
each book in the Haruhi series included several black-and-white spot illustrations as well
as a four-page color insert—all of which are faithfully reproduced here to preserve the
authenticity of the first-ever English edition.

PROLOGUE

The sole worry of Haruhi, who looked like she didn’t have a worry in the world,
could be summed up with the words “the world was too normal.”

So what would she consider “not normal”? That could be summed up in one
word: “supernatural.” Her mind was constantly asking, Why hasn’t a single
ghost shown up before me yet?

Incidentally, you can interchange “ghost” with “alien,” “time traveler,” or
“esper.” But as you should already know, those things only show up in fiction,
not reality. Which means that Haruhi’s source of distress would remain as long
as she lived in this world—at least that’s how it was originally. But I am
currently troubled by the fact that I can no longer be so sure.

For I happen to know an alien, a time traveler, and an esper.

“Haruhi, I have something important to tell you. Listen to me.” “What?”
“You wanted aliens, time travelers, and people who could use ESP, right?”
“Yeah. What about it?”
“So, the goal of this SOS Brigade thing is to find those kinds of people,

right?”
“Just finding them isn’t enough. We have to have fun with them. It would

feel like something was missing if we just found them and that was that. I want
to be a participant, not an observer.”

“I’ll take being an observer for the rest of my life… or, yeah, moving on. An
alien, a time traveler, and an esper are actually closer than you might think.”

“Heh. Who might that be? I’m guessing you don’t mean Yuki, Mikuru, and
Koizumi, right? That wouldn’t be ‘closer than I might think’ in the least bit.”

“Uh… yeah… Actually, that’s what I was about to say.”
“Are you stupid? Like it would just happen to work out that way.”
“Well, under normal circumstances, yeah.”
“So? Who’s the alien?”

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“You’ll love this. Yuki Nagato is an alien. Or technically, she’s, uh, what?
The over-something or other… or was it the data-mind-brain thingy? Well, some
kind of alien consciousness along those lines sent her. Yeah, she’s a humanoid
interface. That’s what it was.”

“Hmm. And? What about Mikuru?”
“Asahina is quite simple to explain. She traveled through time from the
future, so she’s a time traveler.”
“How many years into the future is she from?”
“I don’t know that. She wouldn’t tell me.”
“Aha. I get it now.”
“You do?”
“Which means Koizumi is an esper? That’s what you were about to say?”
“That is in fact what I was about to say.”
“I see.”
And with that, Haruhi’s eyebrows began twitching. She then slowly took in a
deep breath before shouting.
“Don’t mess with me!”

As you can see, Haruhi didn’t believe the truth I’d revealed to her in the least. I
guess it can’t be helped. In fact, I still find it hard to believe that they’re a
pseudo-alien, a time traveler, and an esper freak, even after witnessing concrete
proof. Asking Haruhi to believe me when she hasn’t witnessed anything would
be kind of a stretch.

But still, what else could I say? Every word I spoke was true. Hard as it may
to be to believe, I have a habit of telling the truth when lying won’t accomplish
anything.

Though I’m pretty sure that if some nice person were to come up to me and
start off with, “These people you know really well are actually…,” I would
respond, “Don’t mess with me!” And if that person was serious about it, I’d have
to wonder if he was afflicted by some mental disease or if some freakish vibes
had gotten to his head. I might even feel sorry for the guy. In any case, I’d try to
avoid any contact with him.

Hmm? Wouldn’t that “guy” be me right now?
“Kyon. Listen very carefully.”
Haruhi glared at me with her eyes on fire.
“You’re not going to find aliens, time travelers, and espers just standing

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around! They’re so rare that we have to look for them, find them, capture them,
grab them by the neck, and tie them up nice and tight so they can’t get away!
There is no possible way that all the brigade members I randomly chose could be
that special!”

Your sentiment is absolutely correct. But count me out. The other three
members are, in fact, supernatural phenomena. I am the only one who’s an
ordinary member of the human race that evolved on this planet. And yeah, she
really did choose them randomly.

But why did this girl suddenly have common sense at such an odd time? If
she had just believed me, things would be a lot simpler now. At the very least,
the twisted organization known as the SOS Brigade would be able to disband.
Given that it’s some strange association that exists for Haruhi to find aliens (et
cetera) and other mysterious things. Once she’s found them, it’ll no longer be
needed. Haruhi can have fun with them by herself afterward. Just let me join in
every once in a while. I’m fine with filling the role of the assistant on a quiz
show who stands next to the host and laughs for no real reason. Right now, I’m
more like a trained mutt in an animal variety show.

Of course, I have no idea what would happen to the world if Haruhi became
aware of all these phenomena.

By the way, there were only two people involved in that beginning conversation
that just happened, here on the day of the second “SOS Brigade Wanders
Around Town” (Temporary Name) in the café in front of the station. After
having shamelessly verified that Haruhi would be paying, I calmly explained the
situation while sipping my strong coffee. Haruhi acted like she didn’t believe a
word I said. Well, I guess that was to be expected. Anyone who actually believes
this stuff has issues.

I didn’t go into any specifics. Just gave her a general summary. Revealing
too many details would only make my mind more suspect. Remember, this is
coming from someone who was dragged into Nagato’s apartment and subjected
to a winding, incomprehensible freak spiel of galactic proportions. I know what
I’m talking about.

“That’s enough of your lame, dumb jokes.”
After Haruhi finished sucking the yellow-green vegetable juice through her
straw, she spoke. “Let’s get going, then. We can’t split up today, so the two of us
will have to search every nook and cranny. And I forgot my wallet, so here’s the

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check.”
As I stared at the slip of paper reading 830 yen and tried to formulate an

objection, Haruhi gulped down the rest of my coffee, glared at me as if to ensure
that she wouldn’t hear any complaints, stomped out through the automatic door
of the café, and stood outside with her arms crossed.

That was half a year ago. Now that I stop and think about it, the past six months
have been filled with strange happenings. The SOS Brigade is still officially
named the “Save the world by Overloading it with fun Haruhi Suzumiya
Brigade,” which makes me shiver, and I still have no idea where or how this
brigade has overloaded the world with fun. Besides, the only one who ever gets
psyched up about anything is Haruhi. The purpose and activities of this brigade
remain, as always, a mystery. Apparently, her goal is to have fun with aliens,
kidnap time travelers, and battle alongside espers. As of this point, Haruhi
believes that she has yet to succeed.

That would be because Haruhi thinks that she hasn’t met aliens, time
travelers, and espers. Since she didn’t believe me when I was kind enough to tell
her the truth about the identities of the three other people in the SOS Brigade,
it’s no longer my concern.

And so the SOS Brigade has yet to achieve its goal, and consequently has yet
to lose its purpose and happily disband. Which is why to this day, this
organization unrecognized by the school continues to exist in a corner of the
clubhouse.

Naturally, the five members, including me, are still parasites in the literary
club room. The student council executive committee has apparently chosen to
ignore the SOS Brigade in every possible way. While they brushed aside my
charter application, they didn’t say a word about our illegal takeover of the club
room. Maybe because Yuki Nagato, who was originally the only literary club
member, hasn’t said a word. I would deduce that they have determined that
feigning ignorance would be much healthier than talking to Haruhi.

Nobody would step on a mine that has this will explode if you step on it
spelled out in every language in neon lights. I know I wouldn’t. If I had known
back when I entered this school, I wouldn’t have talked to that sour-faced girl
sitting behind me in class.

An ordinary high school student who accidentally tripped a bomb and is now
currently running in circles like an idiot while holding down the trigger. That

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would be my current position. And this bomb labeled Haruhi Suzumiya doesn’t
have a timer counting down the time left to when it’ll explode. We don’t know
when it’ll explode, how much damage it will cause, what’s inside, or if it’s even
a bomb. It might be just some piece of junk someone said was a bomb. Can’t
even be sure about that.

I can’t seem to find the garbage chute for dangerous items, which means that
this personally dangerous thing is practically cemented to my hand.

Seriously, how am I supposed to get rid of this girl?

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CHAPTER 1

Schoolwide events are an indispensable part of school, though they happen
sporadically. Which reminds me, my high school had an athletic festival last
month. I was pretty skeptical when Haruhi mentioned having the SOS Brigade
participate in the exhibition relay during the interclub meet, but what do you
know, the SOS Brigade really did participate in a relay. I sure didn’t expect to
blow away the track team and stomp all over the rugby team, with Haruhi
running anchor, crossing the finish line approximately thirteen lengths ahead of
the closest runner. As a result, our (excluding me) peculiarity had gone from
being whispered about by students to the point where it was buzzing around
school like someone had just pulled the fire alarm during class, giving me a
headache. Most of the blame lies with Haruhi for coming up with the idea, but
the second runner, Nagato, is also at fault. I certainly would never have expected
her to run so fast that she might as well have been teleporting. Let me know
beforehand, Nagato.

When I asked Nagato what kind of magic she had used, the humorless, alien-
made organic android gave me an explanation using terms like “energy level”
and “quantum leap,” which I appreciated, but seeing as how I had already given
up on a career in the sciences and had chosen the path of liberal arts, I had no
idea what she was talking about. Not that I wanted to know.

Once the crazy athletic festival was over, I eagerly anticipated the coming of
a new month, only to learn that we had a cultural festival coming up. At this very
moment, our lame prefectural high school was preparing for the event. Except
that the only ones preparing were the teachers, executive committee members,
and the members of any cultural clubs, for which this was their one opportunity
to shine.

Of course, a club must be recognized before it can hold any club activities,
and since the SOS Brigade had yet to be recognized, we had no need to engage
in any creative preparations. Though I wouldn’t have minded picking up some
stray cat in the neighborhood and throwing it into a cage with a sign saying

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extraterrestrial beast as some sort of exhibition. But the people who didn’t get
the joke would probably make a fuss, and the ones who did get it would only
ridicule us. Besides, there was no reason for me to stretch my mind to come up
with something for the festival. I had no motivation to do it. A cultural festival at
a typical high school like ours will always be dull. If you don’t believe me, go
take a peek at any school that’s having a festival. You will then learn the reality
that it’s just another school event.

By the way, if you’re wondering what 1-5, the class Haruhi and I are in, is
doing, we copped out and went with some random survey. After Asakura ran off
somewhere last spring, no other student in this class was crazy enough to take up
the leadership position. The current plan only came after homeroom teacher
Okabe strained to come up with an idea during an extended and uncomfortable
homeroom period. Nobody was for or against it, so the matter was settled when
class ended and we ran out of time. Nobody even knew what the survey would
be about. Or who would have fun doing this. Though I doubt anyone would ever
enjoy it. But that’s how it goes. Work hard, people.

And with that, feeling completely languid, I performed my daily ritual of
heading to the club room. Why? Because the girl stomping next to me was
saying the following.

“A survey is so dumb.”
She made a face like she’d accidentally poured sauce on her natto.
“Where’s the fun in that? I totally don’t get it!”
“Then you should have spoken up. Didn’t you see how Okabe looked like we
were holding a wake in the classroom?”
“Doesn’t matter. I have no intention of participating in anything the class
does. There’s no fun in doing anything with those people.”
“Except I vaguely remember you contributing to the class winning the all-
around championship. Weren’t you the one who ran anchor and won the short,
medium, and long medley relays? Or was that someone else?”
“That’s different.”
“How is it different?”
“This is a cultural festival. Or you could call it a campus festival. Though I
suppose you wouldn’t use the word ‘campus’ when talking about a public
school. Whatever. The cultural festival is the super most important event of the
year, right?”
“Really?”
“Really!” she said as she nodded fervently. And then she announced. To me.

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The following proclamation:
“We, the SOS Brigade, will be doing something much more fun!”
As Haruhi Suzumiya spoke, her face was shining with resolve, like Hannibal

deciding to cross the Alps during the Second Punic War.

Only on the surface, though.
Not a single time during the past six months has Haruhi’s “something fun”

led to anything remotely pleasant for me. Almost all cases end with exhaustion.
At least, Asahina and I end up exhausted, but we’re the only normal human
beings here. As far as I can tell, it’s common knowledge on this planet that
Haruhi is not a normal person. And I seriously doubt that Koizumi’s disposition
can be considered normal human behavior. And Nagato isn’t even human.

Now that I’ve gotten involved with this bunch, how am I supposed to get
through high school living like a complete stranger to myself? I really don’t
want to repeat what I had to do six months ago. Never want to do something that
rash again. Just thinking about it—someone give me a gun—makes me want to
shoot myself in the head. I’d like to extract and burn the brain cells containing
the memories of that incident. I don’t know how Haruhi felt about it, though.

Since I was busy with devising a way to erase those memories, I didn’t hear
what the squawking girl next to me said.

“Hey, Kyon. Are you listening?”
“No, not really. What about it?”
“The cultural festival, the cultural festival. You should be a bit more excited.
You can only experience the cultural festival as a first-year high school student
once.”
“Well, yeah. No reason to make a fuss about it, though.”
“Yes, there is. Festivals don’t happen very often. It wouldn’t be a festival if
people didn’t go wild. That’s what happens at all the school festivals I heard of.”
“Your middle school really went overboard, huh?”
“Totally not. It wasn’t the least bit fun. That’s why this high school cultural
festival has to be more fun.”
“What would you consider fun then?”
“Real ghosts in a haunted house, stairs where the number of steps suddenly
increase, the Seven Wonders of the World turn into the Thirteen Wonders, the
principal’s hair tripling in size into an Afro, the school building transforms and
fights with some monster that comes out of the ocean, or ‘plum’ becoming a

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seasonal word for ‘fall.’ That kind of stuff.”
Now, I stopped listening halfway, so I missed everything after the stairs part.

Maybe someone who has the time could give me a rundown.
“… well, fine. I’ll give you a thorough explanation once we get to the club

room.”
Haruhi apparently lost her good mood and fell into a sullen silence. We

marched on, reaching the club room door in no time. Underneath the plate
reading Literary Club was a scrap of paper with the words with the SOS Brigade
scribbled on it. “We’ve been here for half a year. Nobody can say that this room
isn’t ours.” And with that, she began arbitrarily asserting her occupational rights
and started replacing the plate itself before I could stop her. People need to know
when to be discreet.

Haruhi opened the door without knocking, and I was able to see a fairy
standing in the club room. Her eyes met mine, and her face lit up with a smile
like the personification of a lily flower.

“Ah… hello.”
Sweeping the room with a broom, dressed in a maid outfit, was the SOS
Brigade’s tea-brewing pride and joy, Mikuru Asahina. As always, she welcomed
me with a smile as though she were a fairy living in this club room. Maybe she
really is a fairy or something like that. That seems more appropriate than saying
she’s a time traveler.
Back when the brigade was established, Haruhi gave the incomprehensible
reason of “I was thinking that we need a mascot character” when she dragged
Asahina here. And then Haruhi forced her into a maid outfit, and ever since, she
does a complete transformation into the SOS Brigade maid after school every
day. Not because she has a few screws loose in her head, but because she’s such
a sweet girl that it brings tears to my eyes.
Asahina has dressed up as a bunny girl, nurse, and cheerleader, but I have to
say that she looks best as a maid. As for why, this outfit, while serving no
purpose, avoids being suggestive in any way, and I’d rather it stay that way. And
I might as well take this opportunity to inform everyone that the majority of
Haruhi’s actions serve no purpose.
But they often lead to something else happening, and that something else
usually ends up making trouble for the rest of us. I wish everything she did was
meaningless.
One of the few good things Haruhi has done—actually, the only good thing
she’s done—is creating this maid version of Asahina. She looks so good it

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makes me light-headed. This is the only time I can’t fault one of Haruhi’s ideas.
I don’t know where she got the costume or how much it cost, but Haruhi has
pretty good fashion sense. Of course, Asahina would look like a supermodel no
matter what she was wearing.

“I’ll have tea ready at once,” Asahina murmured in her cute voice as she
placed the broom in the closet. She then ran over to the cupboard and began
taking out our individual cups.

I felt something hard drive into my side. Apparently, Haruhi had elbowed
me.

“You’re squinting.”
Apparently, my eyes naturally squint when appreciating Asahina’s
loveliness. Anybody else would do the same if they were in the presence of the
adorable, graceful, and bashful Asahina.
Haruhi took the armband labeled Chief off the desk where the pyramid
labeled Chief was resting, and put it on. She then plopped into a metal chair and
leaned back, glaring around the room.
The other brigade member in the room was sitting at the corner of the table
reading a thick book.
“…”
Staring at the pages without looking up even once was the first-year literary
club member who was, as far as Haruhi was concerned, like “a bonus that came
with the room after taking it over”—Yuki Nagato.
The classmate who stands out as much as nitrogen in the Earth’s atmosphere
has the strangest profile out of all of us. You could say that her background is
even more eccentric than Haruhi’s. Haruhi’s makes absolutely no sense at all,
but Nagato’s kind of makes sense—which just confuses me more. If I believe
what Nagato says, then this silent-expressionless-emotionless-heartless-
quadruple-combo short-haired petite female student isn’t human but an alien-
made communication machine. Don’t ask me what that is. I don’t know. She
said so herself, so I have nothing to add. Apparently, it’s true. But it’s a secret
Haruhi doesn’t know about. Haruhi just thinks that she’s “a slightly odd
bookworm” and nothing else.
Though from an objective standpoint, I’m thinking “slightly” is a bit off.
“Where’s Koizumi?”
Haruhi’s sharp glare shot to Asahina. Asahina unconsciously flinched.
“I-I don’t know. He hasn’t showed up yet. He sure is late….”
She carefully took tea leaves from the tea caddy and placed them into the

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teapot. I casually surveyed the garment rack in the corner of the room. It
contained a number of outfits, as though this were a dressing room for the drama
club. From left to right, nurse outfit, bunny, summer maid, cheerleader, yukata,
doctor’s coat, leopard skin, frog costume, some fluttery transparent thing I didn’t
recognize, et cetera, et cetera.

Each and every one of them has been graced by the warmth of Asahina’s
skin over the past six months. There was no meaning in Asahina wearing any of
these. It was solely for the sake of satisfying Haruhi. Maybe she had some kind
of trauma from her childhood. Like her parents wouldn’t buy her a Barbie doll.
Which was why she was playing with Asahina now. Consequently, Asahina’s
trauma built steadily, and my eyes were treated to a divine feast. Well, if you add
it all up, I guess more people ended up happy than not, so I just kept my mouth
shut.

“Mikuru, tea.”
“Y-yes. Right away.”
Asahina hurriedly poured green tea into the teacup labeled Haruhi in Magic
Marker before placing it on a tray and slowly carrying it over.
Haruhi blew on the hot tea before speaking like a master of flower arranging
criticizing the ineptitude of an apprentice.
“Mikuru, I’m pretty sure I’ve told you this before. Do you remember?”
“What?”
Asahina clung to the tray nervously.
“What was it again?” She tilted her head questioningly like a java sparrow
trying to remember the taste of the hemp seeds it ate the day before.
Haruhi set her teacup on the desk. “When you carry the tea over, you’re
supposed to trip and spill the tea once every three times! You’re not acting the
least bit like a clumsy maid!”
“Wha—Ah… I’m sorry.”
Asahina shrugged. This was the first I’d heard of such an order. So what,
Haruhi thinks that all maids are clumsy?
“That’s fine, Mikuru. You can practice on Kyon. Make sure the teacup ends
up flipped over on his head.”
“Huh?”
That was Asahina’s response as she turned and glanced at me. I was looking
around for a drill so I could plug up that empty hole in Haruhi’s head, but
unfortunately I couldn’t find one, so instead I just sat and sighed.
“Asahina, only people with mental issues find Haruhi’s jokes funny.”

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You should have learned that by now. But I refrained from voicing that last
sentiment.

Haruhi’s eyes narrowed.
“Hey, stupid. I’m not joking! I’m always serious!”
Then it must be worse than we thought. You should go get a CT scan. And if
I get really pissed whenever you call me stupid, does that mean I lack a sense of
humor?
“Fine. I’ll show you how it’s done. You go next, Mikuru.”
Haruhi leapt from her metal chair, swiped the tray from the babbling
Asahina, picked up the teapot, and began pouring tea into the cup marked with
my name.
As I watched in a daze, Haruhi set the teacup on the tray, spilling a
considerable amount. She verified my location before nodding and heading
toward my position, which was when I plucked the teacup from the side.
“Hey! Don’t interfere!”
Interfere? If someone’s willing to stand still while hot tea is being poured
onto his head, he’s either one hell of a nice guy or some kind of insurance scam
artist.
I remained standing as I drank the green tea Haruhi had poured and pondered
why it tasted so different from Asahina’s tea when they used the same tea leaves.
That was a no-brainer. The difference would be in the spice called love. If
Asahina were a wild white rose in bloom, then this girl would be some kind of
special rose that was all thorns and never bloomed. And bore no fruit, naturally.

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Haruhi glared at me with chastising eyes as I silently drank my tea.
“Hmph.”
With a flip of her hair, she returned to the chief’s desk. Slurp. She made a
face like she was drinking boiling, bitter medicine.
Asahina, relieved, returned to her service, pouring tea into Nagato’s cup and
placing it in front of the reading girl.
Nagato didn’t even flinch. She remained fixed on her hardcover. You should
have at least showed a little gratitude. It’d probably take Taniguchi three days to
finish savoring that tea.
“…”
Nagato continued flipping through the pages without looking up. Since that
was how it always was, Asahina didn’t actually mind and went to put her own
teacup on standby.
That was when the fifth brigade member walked in, despite the fact that no
one would have cared if he never showed up.
“Terribly sorry I’m late. Homeroom lasted longer than usual.”
The one who opened the door with a seemingly harmless smile beaming on
his face would be, according to Haruhi, the mysterious transfer student, Itsuki
Koizumi. With a smile like that on his face, I would never introduce him, as a
friend, to my girlfriend. That is, if I had one.
“It appears I’m the last one. I apologize if I delayed the meeting. Or should I
treat everyone to something?”
“Meeting? What’s that? I didn’t hear anything about a meeting.”
“I forgot to tell you,” Haruhi said as she rested her chin in her hands. “I told
everyone else during lunch. Just figured I could tell you whenever.”
“How can you have time to go to other classrooms yet not find time to tell
the person sitting in front of you in your own classroom?”
“Who cares? It’s all the same anyway. The issue isn’t what you heard or
when you heard it, but what you’re doing right now.”
Her words may sound impressive on the surface, but it has been well
established that anything she does only serves to worsen my mood.
“Moving on, time to think about what to do now!”
Do a better job of distinguishing between now as in this very instant or now
as in the near future. And would the subject of that sentence be a singular I or a
plural we?
“Of course, I mean all of us. This will be an SOS Brigade event.”
“Event?” I asked.

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“Weren’t you listening? The only event this time of year is the cultural
festival!”

“That isn’t a brigade event. It is a school event. If you wanted to promote the
cultural festival so badly, you should have run in the elections for the executive
committee. You’d be flooded with pointless menial tasks to do.”

“That would defeat the purpose. We need to create an SOS Brigade–style
activity. I’ve spent too much effort building up this brigade! Not a soul in this
school should be able to say that they don’t know about this super-hot group,”
Haruhi said.

What would constitute an SOS Brigade–style activity? I thought back on the
SOS Brigade activities over the past six months and became a bit depressed.

You have it easy since you just throw out whatever idea comes to your mind,
but what about the suffering Asahina and I have to go through? Koizumi just
smiles shrewdly and Nagato is absolutely no help when it comes to
brainstorming. Ah, I guess Asahina isn’t exactly normal, but she’s cute, so that
makes it all okay. She just needs to stand there as a treat for my eyes and a balm
for my weary soul.

“We have to meet their expectations,” Haruhi said with a contemplative look
on her face.

Who exactly is expecting anything from the SOS Brigade? That’s worth
having a survey about. And I don’t see how you’ve built up this brigade when
our standing is still below that of a student association and our number of
members hasn’t increased. Since more members would only complicate the
situation, I can live without them, but the way things look now, this derailed
Haruhi express is going to keep skidding on. And the only passengers are the
five of us. I’d like to find a scapegoat to take my place. I’ll even pay an hourly
wage. I’m willing to give a hundred yen per.

Haruhi drained her first cup in thirty seconds and requested a second from
Asahina.

“What about you, Mikuru? What are you guys doing?”
“Um… you mean my class? A yakisoba café…”
“You’re probably a waitress, right?”
Asahina’s eyes widened.
“How did you know? I wanted to cook, but everyone told me to be a
waitress…”
Haruhi had a contemplative look on her face again. Based on experience, that
look in her eyes meant she couldn’t be thinking about anything good. And those

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eyes were glancing toward the garment rack. The expression on her face
suggested she had just realized that she had yet to put Asahina in a waitress
outfit.

Now Haruhi had a brooding look on her face.
“What about your class, Koizumi?”
Koizumi shrugged slightly. “We’ve decided to do a play, but the class is
divided between doing an original work and a classical piece. The cultural
festival is fast approaching yet they are still debating. It’s a fierce argument, so
some time will be needed before a conclusion can be reached.”
How lucky of you to be in such a lively class. Sounds like a pain, though.
“Hmm.”
Haruhi’s floating gaze drifted to the remaining member, who had yet to
speak a word.
“Yuki?”
The book-loving pseudo-alien looked up like a prairie dog sensing rain.
“Fortune-telling,” she responded in her usual flat voice.
“Fortune-telling?” I unconsciously echoed.
“Yes.”
Nagato nodded with a face devoid of expression, like she wasn’t even
breathing.
“You’re telling fortunes?
“Yes.”
Nagato telling fortunes? Sure you don’t mean telling the future? I pictured
Nagato in black pointy hat and robe and holding out a crystal ball before a
couple and saying, “You will break up in fifty-eight days, three hours, and five
minutes,” with a straight face. You could lie, you know.
Then again, I don’t actually know if Nagato can see the future.
“So Asahina’s class is running a refreshment booth, Koizumi’s is doing a
play, and Nagato’s is holding a fortune-telling convention. They all sound
infinitely more fun than the listless survey our class is doing. Yeah, how’s this?
Let’s combine everything and do a fortune-telling survey play café,” I suggested.
“Stop sounding like an idiot. Let’s get this meeting started.”
Haruhi instantly rejected my valuable opinion and walked over to the
whiteboard. She tapped the board with a long antenna-like pointer.
“There’s nothing written on it. What am I supposed to be looking at?”
“There will be soon. Mikuru, you’re the secretary, so take down every word I
say.”

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I had no idea when Asahina became the secretary. I doubted anyone did.
Apparently, Haruhi just decided that a moment ago.

Asahina, tea girl and now secretary, held a felt-tip pen, stood next to the
whiteboard, and looked up at Haruhi’s face next to her.

And then Haruhi suddenly spoke in a triumphant voice.
“We, the SOS Brigade, will be screening a movie!”

I really don’t know what kind of mutation is going on inside of Haruhi’s head.
I’ll just not think about it. It’s nothing new. Still, this isn’t a meeting. It’s just
you delivering a speech on general policy, isn’t it?

“…”
“That’s how it always is,” Koizumi whispered to me.
The elegant smile he had made me want to draw on his face. His graceful
lips remained curved up.
“Suzumiya had decided what we were going to do from the very beginning.
That doesn’t leave any room for discussion. Now then, did you say something
you shouldn’t have again?”
Pretty sure I didn’t say anything remotely related to movies today. Maybe
she saw a low-budget C-movie late last night and its crappiness put her in a
miserable mood?
“There’s something I’ve always wondered about,” Haruhi continued
cheerfully, convinced that her speech had touched every member in the
audience.
“…”
I’m wondering about what exactly is inside your head.
“You often see people die in the last episode of TV shows and the like.
Doesn’t that feel really unnatural? Why do they just happen to die at that time?
It’s strange. That’s why I hate anything where someone dies at the end. I would
never make a movie like that!”
“Are you talking about movies or TV shows?”
“I said that we’re going to screen a movie, didn’t I? Even those old earthen
statues from the Tumulus period had better ears than you. Imprint every word I
say into your memory with no mistakes.”
If I’m gonna bother memorizing your insane babbling, it’d be much more
productive to memorize every last station on the rail line that runs nearby.
Asahina wrote movie screening in round letters that really didn’t look like

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the handwriting of a former calligraphy club member. Haruhi took a glance
before nodding, satisfied.

“There you have it. We’re all under agreement then?”
She sounded as cheerful as a weather forecaster verifying the end of the
rainy season.
“What do you even mean?” I asked.
A natural response. All I know is that we’re screening a movie. Who’s going
to hook us up with a film? Does she have an acquaintance at Buena Vista
International or something?
But Haruhi’s eyes continued to shine with reckless abandon.
“Kyon, you’re not too bright. We’re going to make a movie. And then we’ll
screen it at the cultural festival. With Presented by the SOS Brigade in the
credits!”
“When did we turn into the film society?”
“What are you talking about? This will absolutely be the SOS Brigade. I
don’t remember turning into a stupid film society.”
If the film society people were to hear those words, they’d probably be
pissed.
“It’s already been decided. Double jeopardy! Plea bargaining will be
ignored!”
If the SOS Brigade jury foreman says so, then I guess the verdict won’t be
overturned. Who the hell put Haruhi in the leadership position… or now that I
think about it, she put herself in that position. Looks like loud and eager people
are the ones who become important no matter what world you’re in.
Consequently, good Samaritans who tend to go with the flow like Asahina and
me end up being abused. That’s just one of the contradictions in the reality of
this cruel and heartless world.
I pondered the profound subject of what could be considered an ideal
society.
“I see.”
Koizumi interrupted like he had just figured something out. He smiled at
both Haruhi and me.
“I understand perfectly.”
Hey, Koizumi. Don’t just accept the bomb Haruhi dropped on us. Don’t you
have your own opinion on this?
Koizumi gently flipped the forelocks of his hair.
“In other words, we’re going to make an independent film, gather an

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audience, and screen the movie. Am I correct?”
“You are correct!”
Haruhi continued tapping the board with her antenna, and Asahina’s

shoulders flinched. Regardless, Asahina mustered the courage to voice her
question.

“But… why did you decide to make a movie?”
“Last night, I was having trouble getting to sleep.”
Haruhi waved the antenna in front of her face like a windshield wiper.
“So I turned on the TV, and there was this weird movie on. Didn’t really
want to watch it, but I didn’t have anything else to do, so I did.”
Figured as much.
“And it was such a horrible movie, so bad I wanted to make an international
prank call to the director’s house. So then I thought”—she stuck the tip of the
pointer at Asahina’s petite face as she continued—“if this is the best they can do,
I can make a movie that’s much better!”
“…”
Haruhi puffed up her chest, full of confidence.
“So I figured that it was worth a shot. You have a problem with that?”
Asahina furiously shook her head like she was terrified. Even if she did have
a complaint, she would never voice it. Koizumi was just a yes-man. Nagato
never said anything to begin with, which meant it was inevitable for me to speak
up.
“I don’t care if you’re aiming to be a movie director or to be a producer. You
can do whatever you want with your life. And so the rest of us can do whatever
we wish and want, right?”
“What are you talking about?” Haruhi puckered her lips like a duck’s bill.
I patiently explained to her, “You say you want to make a movie. We haven’t
said anything yet. If we say we don’t want to, what would you do? A director
isn’t enough to make a movie.”
“Don’t worry. I’ve got most of the script thought through.”
“No, what I’m trying to say is that—”
“There’s nothing for you to fret about. Just follow me like always. No need
to worry.”
I’m worried.
“Leave the planning to me. I’ll take care of everything.”
Now I’m even more worried.
“You sure complain a lot. I said we’re gonna do it, which means we’re gonna

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do it. Our goal is to place first in the cultural festival’s best-event poll! Then that
unreasonable student council may even recognize the SOS Brigade as a club—
no! I’ll definitely make them recognize us. Which means that first, we need
public opinion on our side!”

Public opinion and poll results aren’t necessarily correlated.
I attempted to put up resistance.
“What about production costs?”
“We have a budget.”
Where? I can’t see the student council giving a budget to this brigade, which
moves rather openly for an underground organization.
“We have the literary club’s cut.”
“That would be the literary club’s budget. It’s not for you to use.”
“But Yuki said it was fine.”
Good grief. I looked at Nagato’s face. She deliberately looked up at me
without saying a word before returning to her book.
You sure nobody wants to join the literary club? Not that I’m gonna ask, but
I wouldn’t be surprised if Nagato had driven this club to the verge of being cut.
Apparently, she knew beforehand that Haruhi would be showing up. I sure feel
sorry for anyone who had their heart set on joining the literary club. If you’re out
there, do work hard to reclaim what was originally the literary club back from
Haruhi.
Haruhi, oblivious to my inner monologue, waved her antenna around.
“Everyone got that? This takes priority over whatever your class is doing! If
you have any objections, tell me after the festival. Got it? The director’s orders
are absolute!” Haruhi shouted, completely unaware of what was going on around
her, like a polar bear in the zoo who had just been given an ice cube in the
middle of summer.
From brigade chief to director? What’s she planning on being in the end?
Please don’t say God.
“Then that’s all for today! I have to do some thinking about casting and
sponsors. The producer has lots of work to do!”
I’m not really sure what the producer does, but in any case, what is she
planning on doing? Sponsors?
Slam.
A dull sound rang through the air. I turned to find that Nagato had closed her
book. That sound had become the signal for the SOS Brigade to pack up and go
home for the day.

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After saying that she would go into details tomorrow, Haruhi shot off like a
cat hearing a tin can being opened. Not that I really wanted to hear any further
details.

“Splendid, don’t you think?”
That obviously came from Koizumi.
“I’m quite relieved that we aren’t trying to capture an extraterrestrial beast to
put in a freak show or shooting down a UFO to exhibit its interior.”
I felt like I’d heard this before.
The smiling esper chuckled with his mouth closed.
“Besides, I am interested in finding out what kind of movie Suzumiya
intends to make. Though I can probably guess what she has in mind.”
Koizumi gave Asahina, putting away the teacups, a sidelong glance.
“It would appear that this will be a fun cultural festival. Quite fascinating.”
I also turned to look at Asahina. I watched as her hair band bounced up and
down.
“Ah. Wh-what is it?”
Asahina realized that we two rascals were staring at her and stopped what
she was doing as her cheeks flamed.
I murmured in my heart.
No, it’s nothing. Just thinking about what costume Haruhi will bring next.
That’s all.
Once she was done getting ready to go home—well, it just meant putting her
book in her bag—Nagato silently stood and silently walked out the open door.
Maybe she was reading a book about fortune-telling. It was a foreign book, so I
wouldn’t know.
“But, yeah,” I muttered.
A movie… A movie, huh.
To be honest, I was somewhat interested. Not as interested as Koizumi,
though. My interest was only at the continental-shelf level, not ocean-floor
levels.
I suppose I could at least look forward to it.
Since I’m guessing nobody’s expecting much.

And I was already eating my words. I shouldn’t have bothered looking forward
to this.

It was after school the next day. I had an extremely unhappy look on my

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face.

PRESENTED BY: SOS BRIGADE
EXECUTIVE SUPERVISOR/EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR/

DIRECTION/SCENARIO: HARUHI SUZUMIYA
LEAD ACTRESS: MIKURU ASAHINA
LEAD ACTOR: ITSUKI KOIZUMI

SUPPORTING ACTRESS: YUKI NAGATO
ASSISTANT DIRECTOR/CAMERAMAN/EDITING/
CARRYING THINGS/MAID/ERRAND BOY/ROUNDSMAN/

OTHER MENIAL TASKS: KYON

Only one thing crossed my mind after I saw what was written on the scrap of
paper.

“So? What’s my role?”
“Exactly what it says on there.” Haruhi waved the pointer like a conductor.
“You’re backstage staff. The cast is as written. Perfect casting, don’t you think?”
“…”
“I’m the lead character?” Asahina asked in a small voice. She was dressed in
her uniform instead of the maid outfit. Haruhi had told her she didn’t have to
wear it. It looked like Haruhi was planning on taking her somewhere.
“Um, I’d rather not be in a conspicuous role…” Asahina appealed to Haruhi
with a distressed look on her face.
“…”
“No,” Haruhi replied. “You need to stand out, Mikuru. You’re like the
trademark of this brigade. You should start to practice signing autographs. There
will probably be a lot of requests from the audience at the premiere.”
Premiere? Where are you going to have that?
Asahina sounded quite nervous.
“… But I can’t act.”
“Don’t worry. I’ll coach you through it perfectly.”
Asahina looked up at me fearfully and sadly lowered her eyelashes.
We were the only three people in the room. Nagato and Koizumi were late
because of meetings about what their classes are doing. I didn’t see how it could
require staying after school. They could just do something random. Guess a lot

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more classes are serious about this stuff than I thought.
“Anyway, Yuki and Koizumi aren’t very dependable,” Haruhi said before

turning her directionless indignation toward me. “I told them that this should
take priority yet they’re late because of class activities. I’ll need to give them a
strong warning.”

It’s just that Nagato and Koizumi actually feel a sense of belonging to their
class. The three of us are the strange ones for being in this place at this time of
year.

I suddenly thought of something.
“Asahina, don’t you need to participate in your class meeting?”
“Mmm, I’m just a waitress, so the only thing left for me to do would be a
costume fitting. I wonder what they’ll have us wear. I’m kind of looking forward
to it.” Asahina smiled with a faint flush in her cheeks.
It would appear that she’s grown completely accustomed to dressing up in
costumes. I guess wearing a costume that’s appropriate for the situation beats
wearing a meaningless costume for SOS Brigade purposes. There’s nothing
strange about a waitress in a yakisoba café. Makes a lot more sense than a maid
in the literary club room.
But Haruhi apparently blew her response way out of proportion.
“What’s that, Mikuru? You were dying to be a waitress? You should have
told me sooner! That’s easy enough. I’ll get an outfit for you.”
I suppose I shouldn’t talk like this has nothing to do with me, but club
members in a club room who aren’t wearing a uniform just look out of place.
The nurse outfit was pretty out there. Might as well stick with the maid outfit
then… or I guess that’s just personal preference.
“Well, that’s fine.”
Haruhi turned back to me. “Kyon, do you know what the most important
thing required to make a movie is?”
Well, now. I scanned through all the movies that had left a deep impression
on me. After some consideration, I confidently delivered my answer.
“Innovative concepts and earnest passion in the production, right?”
“It’s nothing abstract like that.” Haruhi denied me. “It’s the camera,
obviously. How do you film a movie without equipment?”
I suppose, but I wasn’t trying to be utilitarian…. Whatever. I’m not so
fervent about innovative concepts or earnest passion or knowledgeable enough
about film theory to put up an argument.
“There you have it then.” Haruhi retracted the pointer and tossed it on the

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chief’s desk. “We’re going to go scrounge up a video camera now.”
I heard a chair clang next to me. I looked up to see that Asahina’s face had

turned pale. I suppose that was to be expected. The computer currently enshrined
in this club room was swiped from the computer society through Haruhi’s
coercive con scheme. And during that incident, Asahina had been the sacrifice.

Strands of Asahina’s chestnut hair trembled. Her lips, like a pink shell,
quivered.

“U-u-u-um, Su-Suzumiya. That’s right. I need to go back to the classroom
right away to take care of something.”

“Shut up.”
A terrifying look on Haruhi’s face. Asahina, half out of her chair, gave a soft
squeal before sinking back into her chair.
Haruhi suddenly grinned. “Don’t worry.”
There isn’t a single precedent of you telling us not to worry where we
actually didn’t need to worry.
“I won’t be using Mikuru’s body as payment this time. I just need your help
for a bit.”
Asahina looked at me like a calf about to be loaded onto a truck. I refrained
from bursting into a chorus of “Dona Dona” and turned to Haruhi.
“Tell us what we’re helping you with. Or else Asahina and I aren’t budging a
step.”
Haruhi’s face plainly said that she had no idea what we were so concerned
about. “We’re going to go round up sponsors. We’ll make a better impression if
the lead actress is along, right? You’re also coming. You can carry stuff for us.”

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CHAPTER 2

It was supposed to be fall already, but the temperature had yet to cool. I guess
Earth finally went senile and forgot to change the season in Japan to fall. The
summer heat appeared set to continue diligently into extra innings with no end in
sight. It would stick around forever unless someone hit a walk-off home run.
Though I got the feeling that by that point, fall would be long gone and we’d be
into winter.

Haruhi told us that it might take a while, so we grabbed our book bags as we
left school. I wondered where Haruhi was headed as she rapidly descended the
hill. I really doubt we can find a sponsor willing to donate money for a high
school original movie. Maybe if we were a research society, but we’re an
absolutely pointless, unexplained group that’s existed for over half a year despite
the fact that we don’t know why we’re here. I wouldn’t be surprised if nobody
even opened their door for us.

After we reached the bottom of the hill, we boarded the local line of the
private railway and got off at the third station. We were near the cherry-tree-
lined path where Asahina and I had taken a stroll. I saw a huge department store
as well as a shopping district. A relatively busy place.

With Asahina and me in her tracks, Haruhi headed straight into the shopping
district.

“Here.”
The place Haruhi pointed to after she had finally stopped was an electronics
store.
“I see,” I said. Apparently, she intends to wrangle the equipment for filming
the movie out of this place.
How?
“Hold on. I’m going to go negotiate.”
Haruhi handed me her bag and walked into the glass-walled store.
Asahina hid behind me, looking fearfully into the store illuminated by the
lighting display, like a shy grade-schooler visiting a friend’s house for the first

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time. I was all pumped up to protect Asahina this time, observing Haruhi’s back
as she waved and then began talking to a middle-aged man who looked to be the
manager. If Haruhi even remotely looks like she’s about to do anything fishy,
I’ll take Asahina under my arm and run for it.

On the other side of the glass, Haruhi was talking while pointing to some
item on display, then to herself, and then to the guy. And the guy was just
nodding. I should probably warn him not to acquiesce so readily.

Eventually, Haruhi spun around and pointed to the two of us, who were
standing outside the glass door ready to escape at a moment’s notice. She then
smiled like she’d eaten some weird ’shrooms and returned to her animated
speech.

“I wonder what she’s doing….,” Asahina—hiding behind me to the side—
said questioningly as she repeatedly stuck her face out for a peek before drawing
it back.

If someone from the future doesn’t know, there’s no way I would.
“Beats me. She’s probably telling the guy to give her his most advanced
digital handheld video camera free of charge.”
She’s a girl capable of saying stuff like that with a straight face. One slip and
you’ll have her thinking that the world revolves around her.
I sighed. “What a pain.”
I recall posing a query to Nagato not too long ago.
Haruhi believes her values and judgment to be absolute. And it’s certain that
she has no idea that other people, actually most people, may think or feel
differently. If you want to achieve faster-than-light travel, let Haruhi on your
spaceship. She’ll just simply ignore the theory of relativity for you.
When I mentioned this to Nagato, the reticent pseudo-alien responded with
the following.
“Your belief is most likely correct.”
One of Nagato’s more meaningful sentences. A joke that wasn’t funny. That
is the existence of Haruhi Suzumiya.
“Ah, it looks like they’re done talking.” Asahina’s hushed voice brought me
out of my flashback.
As expected, Haruhi emerged from the electronics store looking very
pleased. She was carrying a small box in her hands. I looked at the product photo
next to the large logo of a well-known electronics maker. If I wasn’t mistaken, it
looked like a video camera.

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“What kind of threats did you make? Hand it over or I’ll set fire to the place?
Boycott the store? Send prank faxes all night? Go into a violent tantrum on the
spot? Self-destruct without any warning?”

“Are you retarded? I wouldn’t use those kinds of blackmail tactics.”
Haruhi was merrily walking under the canopy of the shopping district.
“The first step was a success. Everything’s going well.”
I walked after her, forced to carry the box containing the video camera, as I
watched her straight hair swaying across her back.
“I’m asking how you got such an expensive item for free. Are you holding
something over him?”
Yeah, the first thing she said after leaving the store was “Got it.” If he’s
giving away stuff, hook me up. What are the magic words?
Haruhi looked back with a grin on her face. “Nothing special. I said that I
wanted to film a movie, so give me a camera, and the guy was like sure and gave
it to me. No problem at all.”
No problem now maybe, but I have a feeling there will be a problem later on.
Or do I just worry too much?
“Stop getting worked up over every little thing. You just need to work
enthusiastically as my servant.”
Unfortunately, it felt as though last spring, I had accidentally gotten on a ship
with the word Titanic written across its side. I wanted to send out an SOS at one
point, but I regret to say that I don’t know Morse code. First of all, I don’t have
the temperament to just generously be anyone’s servant.
“Come on, let’s go to the next store!”
Haruhi walked off energetically, arms swinging, amid the crowd of shoppers.
I exchanged a look with Asahina before running after Haruhi as she faded into
the distance at a pace you’d expect from someone participating in a speed-
walking race.

The next place Haruhi visited was a model shop.
Asahina and I were left outside again as Haruhi engaged in negotiations. I

was beginning to understand. When Haruhi pointed at us through the glass, she
was actually pointing to Asahina. Like she meant for Asahina to perform some
kind of action to serve as payment through services. Asahina, completely
oblivious to that fact, was curiously staring at the diorama in the display case.
Should I tell her?

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GoPldagene2a8gato | mp4directs.com

After a few minutes of waiting, Haruhi once again emerged from the store
carrying a bulky box.

“What is it this time?”
“A weapon,” Haruhi replied as she pressed the box on me. Upon a closer
look, I saw that the box contained something like a plastic model. And it
appeared to be a pistol-type firearm. What was she going to do with this?
“We’ll use it in the action scenes. Some gun action. A flashy gunfight is one
of the basics of entertainment. I’d like to blow up a few buildings while we’re at
it. Do you happen to know where they sell dynamite? I wonder if the general
store sells it.”
How would I know? I can at least tell you that you’re not going to find any
in convenience stores or on the Internet. You might find some lying around if
you go to a quarry…
… was the next thing I was about to say, but I swallowed those words. Think
about who this is. I wouldn’t put it past her to go off in the dead of night to steal
fuses and TNT gun-powder.
I set the boxes containing the video camera and model gun on the ground and
turned to Haruhi. “So? What do we do with all this stuff?”
“Take them home with you for now. Then bring them to the club room
tomorrow. It’d be a pain to go back to school at this point.”
“Me?”
“You.”
Haruhi crossed her arms with a cheery look on her face. A sight rarely seen
in the classroom. Her SOS Brigade–only smile. Whenever Haruhi smiled like
this, I ended up having to run around cleaning up after each disaster. Was I the
opposite of the straw millionaire?
“Um.”
Asahina was timidly raising her hand.
“What should I do…?”
“You’re fine, Mikuru. You can go home now. We’re done for the day.”
Asahina blinked her eyes rapidly like a raccoon cub bewitched by a fox
spirit, since the only thing she’d done all day was nervously follow Haruhi
around with me. She had no idea why Haruhi forced her to come along.
Haruhi looked like she still had enough energy left to do a second round of
cardio exercises as she led us to the nearest station. Apparently that took care of
the day’s Haruhi-related activities. Either her negotiating skills or underhanded
talents had yielded a video camera and a small gun. No expense charged. In

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other words, they were free.
People used to say that there was nothing more frightening than getting

something for free. The problem was, Haruhi wasn’t the least bit scared.
Actually, if something out there is capable of scaring her, please get in touch
with me.

The next day, I found myself lugging excess baggage in addition to my book bag
up the hill.

“Yo, Kyon. Whatcha carrying there? A present for some good little
children?”

That was Taniguchi, running up next to me. A simple-minded, single-celled
idiot. An unmistakably ordinary student you could find anywhere. “Ordinary.”
What a wonderful word. It means so much to me in my current situation. It has
the ring of reality to it.

I hesitated for a moment before passing the lighter of the two plastic bags on
to Taniguchi.

“What is this? A model gun? I didn’t know you had such a dark hobby.”
“Not mine. Haruhi’s.”
And I suppose I should have followed up by saying, You shouldn’t be so
quick to label it as a dark hobby.
“I really can’t picture Suzumiya disassembling and cleaning a Glock by
herself.”
Neither can I. Which means somebody else is going to be disassembling and
reassembling this thing. I should mention that when I was a kid, I once attempted
to put together a certain mobile suit, which ended with me giving up when I
couldn’t attach the right shoulder joint.
“Must be rough for you.”
Taniguchi didn’t sound the least bit like he thought it was rough for me.
“We could search through all ages and places and the only person willing to
babysit Suzumiya would be you. I guarantee it. So hook up with her already.”
What the hell is he saying? “I have no intention of attaching myself to
Haruhi in any feasible way. The one I would want to attach myself to would be
Asahina.” As would anyone else if given the choice.
Taniguchi cackled like a demon.
“Yeah, that won’t do. She’s the angel of North High. A resting spot for the
hearts of the male students. Unless you want half the school to stuff you into a

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bag, don’t do anything funny. You wouldn’t want me to lose my head and stab
you in the back, right?”

“Then I’ll go with my next choice, Nagato.”
“That’s also out of the question. She has more secret admirers than you
might expect. Why’d she stop wearing glasses? Did she switch to contacts?”
“Beats me. Ask her yourself.”
“From what I’ve heard, she ignores anyone who tries to talk to her.
Apparently, Nagato’s class believes that if she says a single word that day,
something good or bad will definitely happen.”
“Don’t talk about Nagato like she’s a bamboo flower. That kind of fortune-
telling died out long ago. And while it’s true that she isn’t quite normal, she still
has some normal qualities—well, I guess not.”
“In other words, you and Suzumiya are made for each other. You’re the only
one capable of talking with her, and it’s best to minimize the number of her
potential victims. So take care of it. That reminds me. The cultural festival’s
coming up. What will your club be doing this time?”
“Stop asking me.”
I’m not the SOS Brigade public relations guy.
But Taniguchi calmly continued. “If I ask Suzumiya, she’ll just feed me
some random nonsense. And there’s the fear that if I ask at the wrong time,
she’ll snap. If I ask Yuki Nagato, she won’t give me an answer. And Mikuru
Asahina is too hard to approach. Talking to that other guy pisses me off for some
reason. So I’m asking you.”
The bastard uses some twisted logic. “You’re making it sound like I’m some
kind of nice guy.”
“You’re not? As far as I’m concerned, you’re the kind of nice guy who’d be
willing to walk off a cliff with Asahina.”
The front gate was within sight. I took the plastic bag back from Taniguchi
with a discouraged look on my face.
I didn’t know where Haruhi’s trail was going to lead us, but I was definitely
thinking that I shouldn’t expect anything good. Haruhi and I weren’t the only
ones walking this path. At least three others I knew of were in for the ride. And
while two of those were able to take care of themselves, Asahina wasn’t safe on
her own. She was so hopeless at predicting what was about to happen to her that
you would never think she was a time traveler. Well, I guess that works out.
“Which is why,” I said, “somebody has to protect her.” Yeah. I’m sounding
like a main character now. Except the only thing I’m protecting her from would

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be Haruhi’s evil sexual harassment.
On a roll, I continued. “Since I have this chance, I’m going to protect her. I

don’t care what all the guys in the school have to say. They can go form their
own guardian angels group if they want.”

Taniguchi once again cackled like one of those wailing-old-man demons.
“Don’t overdo it. There’s at least one new moon every month.”

After delivering what sounded like a notice from a phantom killer, he ducked
into the front gate.

As I walked through the hallway in front of our classroom with my burden, I
came across Haruhi putting her things into her locker.

I followed suit, stuffing the boxes containing the electronics and the plastic
model into the steel locker with my seat number.

“Kyon, we’re going to be busy.” Without even saying good morning, Haruhi
slammed her locker shut and turned to me with a smile like Indian summer.

“Same goes for Mikuru, Yuki, and Koizumi. I won’t allow any complaining.
The movie script is already bubbling in my mind. It’s almost ready to burst. All
that remains is to put it into action.”

“I see,” I answered halfheartedly as I entered the classroom.
My desk was second from the back of the room. We’d changed seating
arrangements multiple times since the beginning of the first semester, but I had
yet to get a seat in the last row. Because Haruhi always ended up sitting behind
me. It had gotten to the point where it had become a bit too unnatural to shrug
off, but I still believed it to be coincidence. If I don’t have faith in coincidence,
coincidence is going to lose confidence in itself.
I’m actually a pretty considerate person. Guess anybody hanging around
with Haruhi would have to be. Like a defensive midfielder in a soccer match
who has to run down loose balls. Since Haruhi would be the super-offensive-
minded forward who’s way offside the second someone touches the ball. She
might even be standing behind the opposing keeper. Passing the ball to her
would just result in the referee raising his flag, but since this is Haruhi, she’d just
say it was a mistaken call. In fact, she would say with a straight face that the rule
itself makes no sense. She might even start arguing that picking up the ball and
running into the goal should count as a goal. The suggestion that she take up
rugby would go ignored.
The best way to deal with an audacious person on a rampage would be to

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casually leave the scene like you never heard a thing or give up and do as she
says. The other people in our school year were already doing so.

Which was why when Haruhi disappeared from the classroom when sixth
period ended and the final homeroom period began, neither homeroom teacher
Okabe nor anybody else said a word about the fact that the seat behind me was
empty. Did they not notice? Or were they just pretending not to notice? Not like
they could do anything about it. Well, everyone knew it was best to just leave
her alone.

I headed for the clubhouse with a bad feeling in my gut before coming to a
halt in front of the club room, carrying the bags loaded with assorted boxes.

I could hear something. Asahina’s helpless voice crying out. Haruhi’s
obnoxious voice shouting. She was doing it again.

If I’d opened the door just then, I probably would’ve witnessed a very fine
sight. Being a man with common sense, though, I stoically resisted my fantasies
and waited patiently.

After five minutes, the weak struggle inside came to a finish. I was sure
Haruhi was standing with her hands on her hips and a triumphant look on her
face. Based on the reasoning that a rabbit cannot win against an anaconda, I
couldn’t see Asahina ever winning.

I knocked.
“Come in!”
A boisterous response from Haruhi. As I wondered about the contents of the
paper bags I’d seen that morning, I opened the door and entered the room. The
first thing I saw was, in fact, Haruhi’s triumphant face. However, I was pretty
sick of that sight. With fervent ardor, I turned my attention to the person seated
in the metal chair in front of Haruhi.
A waitress sat there looking at me with teary eyes.
“…”
The waitress, hair disheveled, was doing an impression of Nagato being
silent. Her head was drooped. Her full chestnut hair had been tied by Haruhi into
two pigtails dangling behind her head. Oddly enough, Nagato was nowhere to be
seen.
“Well?” Haruhi asked me with a self-satisfied smirk. Why do you look like
you had something to do with this? Asahina’s adorableness is her own…. Then
again.
Y’know? I think it looks nice. How does Asahina feel about it? Not that I
have any objections…. But isn’t the skirt a tad too short?

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Asahina was as perfect a waitress as one hundred percent fruit juice is pure.
Her clenched fists rested on her knees.

You look so peculiarly perfect, like you’re dressed in tailor-made clothes.
Which was why I spent a good thirty seconds staring in silence at Asahina before
jumping when I was tapped on the shoulder.

“Why, hello. I’m terribly sorry about yesterday. We were supposed to do a
run-through of the script today, but I had them wrap things up early. I’m finding
myself endlessly running around in circles.”

Koizumi’s handsome, cheery face peered over my shoulder into the club
room.

“Oh?” He smiled merrily. “What do we have here?”
Koizumi passed next to me and set his book bag on the table before sitting in
one of the metal chairs. “It looks quite splendid on you, Asahina.”
“We all know that already. What we don’t know is why a waitress is in this
dirty little room that is neither a café nor a family restaurant.”
“That’s because, Kyon,” Haruhi said, “Mikuru will be wearing this outfit in
the movie.”
“A maid won’t work?”
“A maid’s job is to go to a rich person’s mansion and provide personal
service. It’s different for a waitress. The goal there is to provide assorted
services to an unspecified number of customers in a shop on a corner for seven
hundred thirty yen an hour.”
I’m not sure if that’s a good wage or not, but it’s not like Asahina is dressing
up to serve in a mansion or work some part-time job. Maybe if Haruhi actually
paid her.
“Don’t sweat the small stuff! It’s all about feeling. I like how this feels.”
Who cares about you? How does Asahina feel about this?
“Su-Su-Suzumiya… This seems a little too small for me….”
Asahina seemed quite concerned. She was incessantly tugging downward on
the hem of her miniskirt. But her motions were too tantalizing. You realize that
my eyes can’t help but be drawn there, right?
“It’s just fine. A perfect fit.”
I forced myself to look away and focused instead on Haruhi smiling like a
colorful flower blooming in the jungle. Haruhi directed her eyes, always looking
forward, at me.
“The concept for our film”—she pointed to Asahina, curled up in a fetal
position—“is this!”

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“This? Are we doing a documentary on the daily life of a girl working in a
café?”

“No. There isn’t anything fun about taking secret videos of Mikuru’s daily
life. The only way you could ever get an interesting story out of filming
someone’s daily life would be if it was about a person living an extremely
eccentric life. Filming the daily life of an ordinary high school student would
only be for self-satisfaction.”

I fail to see how that would satisfy Asahina, and from an objective point of
view, I’d think that self-satisfaction would be important in itself. Besides,
Asahina’s daily life would actually be considered quite eccentric… but I’ll keep
my mouth shut.

“As the director representing the SOS Brigade, I decided to provide quality
entertainment. Just you watch. Every single member of the audience will be on
their feet in a standing ovation!”

Upon closer look, I noticed that Haruhi’s armband had changed from Chief
to Director at some point. She sure was prepared.

As I watched the female director getting excited by herself, the female lead
getting depressed, and the male lead standing back smiling enigmatically like a
bystander, I was wondering what exactly was going on. Then the door opened
without a sound.

“…”
I thought something big had come to make an appearance. Scared for a
moment there that they’d come to retrieve me from my rather short life. It almost
made me wonder if I hadn’t accidentally stepped into the music room from the
movie where Salieri goes to Mozart to commission a requiem.
“…”
As she delivered her signature ellipsis, Yuki Nagato entered the room with a
paler face than usual. Only her face was visible. Everything else was covered in
black.
I wasn’t the only one at a loss for words. Haruhi and Asahina were the same.
Koizumi’s smile had a hint of surprise tacked on like a tax. Nagato was garbed
in clothing strange enough to startle Asahina.
Her body was wrapped in a mantle as dark as a blackout. Her head was
covered by a wide-brimmed pointy hat of the same color. She looked like a
vampire hunter. Or maybe the Grim Reaper.
As we watched, Nagato silently headed to her designated seat in the corner,
withdrew her bag and a hardcover book from under her mantle, and set them on

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