Contents

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Contents Issue1
2 Introducing Your New JCR

4 The Big Red Bar Crawl
5 Alternative Bowlander

6 The Learning Zone Defended

7 Nostalgia: Colin Hudson

8 Visiting Bowland

Big Red Bar Crawl Reviewed Page 4 9 The Banter Code

A Word from the Editors 10 Subtitles: On
11 The New Year So Far

Welcome to the first Bowland Lady Issue of 12 All Toasty Inside
Fillet O’ Fish
the Decade. New Year, New editors, New look. A New Addiction
We are very excited about the changes we have 13 Featured Poetry
Carter Shield
made and can’t wait to here your reactions to 14 Football
Pool
them. Judging from the ‘Big Red Bar Crawl’, this is Dominoes
Darts
going to be a good year for Bowland, the new col- Tables and Results

our centre-fold hardly does justice to that night’s 16

epic scale!

As promised we have now included a six 17
page Sports section with everything you jocks

could ever need to know about your Bowland 19

teams. The return of your wonderfully random
articles is all-the-more reason to celebrate2010, 20

as is the inclusion of many new writers and old 21
faces.

Read it. Enjoy it. Be Impressed. 22

You stay classy Bowland.

Anastasia and Graeme

1

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Introducing Your New JCR

Hello Bowland, happy new year to you all!
With every fresh year comes a fresh JCR Exec and 2010 will be no exception. This

year I expect greater levels of publicity for our college sports, socials and our magazine.
Communication between the members of Bowland is essential and we will continue to
make progress with this in order to ensure the JCR Exec can deliver a satisfying service to
its students. Aside from this, I can't help but feel anticipation for the annual college
events such as Spring Fling, Founders and Extrav.

With the strong team of people who have been selected by you to represent the col-
lege I can only foresee an exciting year ahead, enhancing our great Bowland Spirit and as
always reminding the other colleges what they are missing.

Much Bowlandy Love,
Kath Embling

Kathadore ‘Kath-strator’ Embling (President)
What is the story behind your JCR nickname?
I asked Adam if 'Kath-tator' would be funny but he misheard me and thought I
said 'Kath-strator' ,so it stuck.

Adam ‘BFG’ Free (Vice President)
What made you run for your new position?
I didn’t get sports rep so I thought I might as well give Vice -president a shot. In
actuality I reckon I’ve got a lot to give to this college and bring to this role.

Beau ‘Beauhemian’ Martinez (Chairperson)
What is the story behind your JCR nickname?
I noticed my bank balance was really low, and realised I had to live "a la bohe-
mian" to survive on what little money I had. I did it with a Beau style, hence,
"Beauhemian".

Sara ‘Heckles’ Heckles (General Secretary)
What is your best Bowland memory so far?
Either dressing as ‘Team Zissou’ on Hallowe’en, when we learnt and performed
the thriller routine, or the time we nicked a bike. Don't judge me, I left a note.
aww.... I liked the charity auction night too! Minus the gunging. Obviously.

2

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Adam ‘ The Sleemanator’ Sleeman (Equal Opportunities Officer)
What is the story behind your JCR nickname? (T-shirt name)
"The Sleemanator " was coined on World Challenge to Mongolia by a leader be-
cause I would always try to lift far too much to prove I was a "machine".

Mark ‘Cushdy Mushdy’ Sand (Communications officer)
What made you run for your new position?
I ran because I love blue tack.

Alice ‘Itchy’ Sunderland (Female Education and Welfare Officer)
What made you run for your new position?
I ran because I'm EAAASSSSSSYYYYYYYY....to talk to and I wanted to become
more involved in the college spirit.

Matt ‘Scabies’ Vince (Male Education and Welfare Officer)
What is your best Bowland memory so far?

B team pool, Fylde, winning the deciding game, I felt like a Hero.

Aaron ‘Cider Monkey’ Brown (Social Secretary)
What is the story behind your JCR nickname?
My shirt nickname is 'Cider Monkey' because I love it and I ran for Bowland Cider
Monkey last year but unfortunately didn’t get it.

Teddy ‘Bear Necessity’ Kilburn (Social secretary)
What made you run for your new position?

To be more involved within the college and meet as many people as possible.

Siobhan ‘Bails’ Bailey (Social Secretary)
What is your best Bowland memory so far?
Being a Freshers’ Rep and Freshers’ Week, my favourite moment was introducing
20 freshers to "Back-Seat-Of-The-Bus”. Every Night Out in Lancaster is quality
though, and I never get bored with it.

Emily ‘Clarkizzle’ Clarke (Social Secretary)
What is the story behind your JCR nickname?
My nickname is ‘Clarkizzle’ coz I'm down wit' the kids...yo!

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BOWLAND LADY 2010

“Chants and The Litten Tree? We apolo- And the Vice-President of
Spanks” gise for this, they did say Media and Communica-
they would put it on for us. tions Mr Liam Richardson
Bowland’s Big Red Bar However saying that, I did attended too, who is also a
Crawl Review! hear some of you sing and Bowlander himself! They
maybe it was a good thing were very impressed; in
Emily Clarke you weren’t able to get to fact it caused quite a stir
a microphone... amongst the other col-
First of all a massive leges. Matthew Power, Co-
thanks to all of who at- Upon entering The President of rival college
tended, what a night! The t Sugar House I saw red, and Lonsdale even cautioned
-shirts sold out in fifteen not the bad kind! We Payne against any favourit-
minutes (yes all sixty- five showed the rest of the Uni- ism in Founders, but in the
of them) and you just kept versity how we like to words of Michael himself,
coming! We had to up the party! People from other he isn’t going to enter a
amount of people we were college JCR’s were coming battle that he’s not going
going to take and in the up to me saying well done, to win. I’m sure we can
end all the JCR had to be but at the end of the day count on his support then.
on ‘sober duty’. we made it happen, you The next day Payne up-
made it work! We really dated his status and I
So we invaded Lancas- can’t thank you enough for quote “had an excellent
ter in groups of three that. Bowlanders who night in Lancaster with Vice
(Group two chanting their weren’t able to come on -President Liam James
way into town and making the bar crawl were sorry Richardson and Bowland
the bus driver giggle) for missing it and other College; well done Bow-
dominating Revolution, colleges were sorry they land College JCR Exec”.
Varsity, The Litten Tree and didn’t think of it first!
Wetherspoons. Unfortu- So all that is left to say
nately we had to miss out By any chance did any- is another big thank you
The Friary in order to get one notice that the presi- and what a start to term
you into sugarhouse before dent of the student union two! In the words of our
they closed the doors. Eve- came along too? Oh Yes! great Beauhemian Chair-
rything ran smoothly apart man “It Kicked Ass”! Keep
from the waiting in ‘Rev’s... 4 checking the social calen-
we did say 150 of you were dar and let’s keep the spirit
coming! And what hap- high within our college and
pened to the Karaoke in at our socials.

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Alternative Bowlander: involve much effort; click- bother because of lack of
ing “Join” appears to be information.
Bowland the right thing to do in sup-
Politics porting a friend on their This year I felt a cer-
quest. However I was soon tain amount of lethargy in
Anna Fenton to regret this as on the day the college for JCR posi-
of hustings, I was asked to tions, with many running
Ok I admit it; I am a go and watch democracy in unopposed. Does this
bad Bowlander. I don’t do process by every single mean we really get a
any college sports, I rarely group and by voting day I proper choice? R.O.N. may
attend socials, I live above was thoroughly sick of be an option, but I am yet
the bar yet it is still too far messages. Simply joining to see it used. This means
to head down there and I these pages does not the best people for the job
generally have very little mean I will read the infor- may not be running at all
idea about what is going mation, remember who is and we run the risk of hav-
on within the College. The running for what, or even ing a position not being
information I know is due vote for the person and I’m filled to its full potential.
to living with former JCR sure I’m not alone in this. This is not an attack di-
officers and hearing their rected at the current JCR,
discussions, without this Being in 3rd year I just a general observation
source of information I have seen several hustings for any elections.
would be aware of very lit- and voting days pass me
tle. by. Being a firm believer in In summing up this
the democratic process, I
Remaining informed always vote, but like many article, I want to clarify a
about Bowland involves ef- I do not possess the pas-
fort. It involves reading and sion required to learn the point: vote because you
remembering those annoy- policies of each candidate.
ing facebook messages and Apparently the new e- have the option too. Per-
emails, then probably act- voting system solves this;
ing upon the information by clicking on the person sonally I feel that if one
for any outcome to occur. one can view their their
For example, Hustings and policies. This should allow does not vote then any is-
elections. I was invited to people to make an edu-
join facebook groups to cated choice, if one knows sues one may have with
support people in their at- that this little technological
tempt for a position on the miracle occurs- I did not. the elected people are less
JCR. This in itself does not Many people vote blind,
partially vote, or just don’t valid, as they did not use

their power to elect to do

any different in the first

place.

5

BOWLAND LADY 2010

In Defence of heard levelled against it in- pete we either have to stay
clude it being “pretentious”; with the communist 1960s
the Learning a “waste of money”; and an design or to go modern. I be-
Zone “eyesore”, the latter courtesy lieve Lancaster’s progression

The upside of Bowland’s of the Bowland Lady. with the latter is a step in the

I sympathise with some of right direction, if we are to

favourite target these claims to a certain ex- attract the nation’s top stu-
tent, but on the whole they dents. I want our University

Ben James are mere hyperbole. Admit- to be the best it can be and I
tedly, a Bowland student la- believe the quality of an edu-

belled it “pretentious”. When cational institution goes hand

It would appear from the I asked her what she meant -in-hand with the quality of

general consensus of SCAN exactly, the response was ba- its students. Nobody wants

and college magazines, such sically that it looked out of to be surrounded by idiots.

as this one, that The Learning place compared to Bowland Most would have sympa-

Zone is not exactly flavour of Main above, which in her thy for those in Bowland

the month, or indeed the words was “falling apart”. Main, and for that matter, all

year, with students at Lancas- Perhaps the stark contrast that have to survive Bow-

ter University. between the two structures land’s standard accommoda-

I must admit that I am not was why The Learning Zone tion, as it is a shambles. Lack

an avid supporter or user of was also called an “eyesore”. of security, noise pollution,

The Learning Zone, but I feel An eyesore? Surely, the crappy windows. I can under-

some of the complaints eyesore is Bowland Main. stand why one would see

about it have been rather un- Taking the perspective “The that as a more pressing mat-

justified. It is time that some- Learning Zone is only for the ter than investing millions

body actually spoke out for it prospectuses” one can un- into The Learning Zone, par-

and dissected its criticism. derstand why most of Bow- ticularly when our library is

In conversations about the land would not feature in a already present.

facility, I cannot remember Lancaster University prospec- But I believe this Univer-

anyone saying anything posi- tus as the grey, dull 1960s ar- sity has the wealth to invest

tive about it (although this chitecture is not going to at- in both educational re-

might be because the people tract the best students. I am sources and modernising the

who do like it are the ones sure nobody reading this ap- campus. The redevelopment

busy working inside; the type plied here because of its of substandard accommoda-

you see in there on the rare “stunning 1960s design”. tion such as Bowland Main

occasions that one is up at We cannot emulate the and Furness’ standard ac-

9am on Saturday morning). beautiful, historic architec- commodation should be near

Some of the criticisms I have ture of Oxbridge, so to com- the top of their priorities.

6

BOWLAND LADY 2010

However, the plethora of complaints re- Nostalgia Column
garding The Learning Zone reveal wider
issues. The tit-for-tat between students Colin Hudson
in the accommodation immediately sur-
rounding it is really, in the whole scheme My Top 5 Most Missed Features of
of things, petty undergraduate politics.
Lancaster Life
It is also true that, in general,
people dislike change and anything new 1- Doing what I want when I want!- If
is instantly exposed to criticism. The you didn’t have many responsibilities
Learning Zone is a modification of what before you get pushed into a whole
was there before and thus the com- new ball game, where responsibility
ments in SCAN and in college magazines stops being a scary bed time story
are almost inevitable. and becomes a reason for your ac-
tions...it’s great.
Over time, such changes attract less
criticism, as well as praise, possibly. 2- Your behaviour being endorsed due to
Given the likely demographics of you the your status as a student! - It is Ker-
reader, the protests over changes to the aizy how many things you can get
layout of Facebook are a pertinent ex- away with at university!
ample.
3- Playing sport all the time!- I was quite
Consider that another educational the sporty one and got involved in as
resource is built here, the University in- much as I could. It is strange how you
vesting significantly in it too. I would be can take the people and the activities
willing to bet that students would find for granted.
time to write negative articles, accompa-
nied by exaggerated criticisms, arguing 4- Being an active member of Bowland
that The Learning Zone is either better/ College- Once someone found out I
sufficient/more aesthetically pleasing. was in Bowland, they weren’t given
Strange that. What a fickle bunch we the opportunity to forget. In my first
are. two years I was on it! I was probably
VERY annoying, but I’m Bowland ‘til I
I believe, that The Learning Zone is die... ‘nuff said.

another step in the continuing progres- 5- The Lancaster Atmosphere- I miss you
fine Ladies and Gentleman, with
sion of Lancaster University (backed up hopes and dreams, that collective raw
potential which is a beauty in itself.
by our position in the league tables) and That hunger for life and its experi-
ences that are being lived through
that further student issues such as ac- and are yet to come. It sounds simple
but University is all about the people.
commodation and more contact time
7
will be addressed soon. If fees do indeed

rise, this is the least students should ex-

pect.

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Visiting tending Lancaster University fort boundaries we define for
Bowland
at Bowland College, my ourselves. Removing oneself

thinking has become altered. from what is normal and hav-

In a major sense the ing to start anew is the most

Gone, Not Forgotten ideas and beliefs that have soul- shaping experience one
been at the centre of what I can ever undergo.

Ben Cole have shaped my life around But enough of the spiri-

have been given a new per- tual crap... my stay with Bow-

It is interesting how spective. It’s hard to quantify land College rocked! Forget

many times we hear stories this into something actually what they say about the

from people who have trav- measurable, but in a large smallest and oldest college, I

elled; stories that tell of far sense, my ideas of people, think it is more like the most

off lands with different peo- cultures and myself have down to earth realistic col-

ple, different customs and been shifted. To be honest I lege. I saw too many exam-

different principles. How of- did not know what to expect ples of people living in the

ten is it that we hear from when I left Canada in Sep- posh residences in Cartmel

these same people that in tember, but what I found was and Grizedale and what not. I

the course of their journeys, beyond anything I could have guess if you want an unrealis-

they found something, they prepared for. When I arrived tic approach to what Uni life

changed something, or real- in Lancaster on September is about then go for it. But
ised that what they saw be- 27th, I was suddenly thrust let’s be face it, are you going

fore setting off has been pro- into a world with absolutely to be able to afford a fully

foundly and forever altered? no guarantees. I was dropped furnished, brand new flat

I always felt somewhat scep- off by family members (who I coming out of University?

tical of the notion itself had met just two weeks pre- This is where the true

really, a change in perspec- vious) and left to explore the character of Bowland comes

tive on the world so great new residence that I would in. Yeah the residences are

that their lives were funda- occupy until the end of term old, they’re cold, and in some

mentally altered. It seemed in December. Left with a very cases falling apart, but we

in many cases, at least to me, basic idea of what was going push through anyway. That is

that most of this philosophi- on that first day, and know- what brings out what it truly

cal waffling was bullshit. Bull- ing absolutely no one, I em- means to be a poor student.

shit to tell an exciting story, barked on what became an Anyway thanks again to eve-

captivate an audience, or just extremely enriching and ryone who made my stay

seem important. However af- enlightening experience. here awesome, you will most

ter spending four months in I think we too often dig definitely not be forgotten.

the United Kingdom last ourselves into a familiar rut

term, and three of these at- and remain within the com-

8

BOWLAND LADY 2010

The Banter Code

Written by Erin Royle, structured by Graeme Hutton

Banter Rule 1: Banter must be simple and to the point.

Banter Rule 2: Banter is compulsory at all competitive sporting events.

Banter Rule 3: Banter may be Harsh, but never hurtful.
Banter Rule 3.1: Banter may be hurtful if the party on the receiving end is genuinely a dis-
gusting person. i.e. involvement in physical abuse/hate crimes or disrespectful to causes
the majority deems worthy.

Banter Rule 4: Within a banterous discussion, the term 'your mum' may only be used in
conjunction
with a witty follow-up statement. All those involved in said discussion determine whether
the statement was witty. i.e. just saying 'your mum' does not cut it.
Banter Rule 5: You may not be horrifically mean to another race/nationality and blame it
on banter.
Banter Rule 5.1: Ginger jokes are fair game within the realm of banter.

Banter Rule 6: Grammar based banter is perfectly acceptable if interaction is in a textual
format

Banter Rule 7: During Banter, language use must account for any language barriers.
Banter Rule 7.1: Within the realms of Banter, not only is the Oxford English Dictionary
valid, the Urban Dictionary is as well; ‘Banterous’ is defined as an "adjective or verb de-
scribing a person or situation which is steeped in banter; to be banterous in nature."
Banter Rule 7.2: You are allowed to create words to describe good/bad banter as long as
they derive from the word 'banter' itself. For example: 'banticlimax', 'bantorius',
'bantersaurus rex' and 'bantsponge'.
Banter Rule 7.3: In regards to 'your mum' regional dialects may be taken into account. i.e.
'your
mam' is acceptable

Banter Rule 8: Banter Points may be awarded if the banterer is on tremendous form. These
points are used to signify how impressive a statement is. Typically ranging from 0-100.
Points may be awarded or deducted based on the comment. (Urban Dictionary).
Banter Rule 8.1: Points awarded within a drinking game maybe traded for reprieves.

Banter Rule 9: Banter cannot, under any circumstances, be banned on a Facebook thread.

9

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Subtitles: On not able to do anything that up at 5am and dragging
a ‘normal’ human could do”. them out into the miserable
Deaf-initely I HAVE JUST REALISED THAT cold, though not for me!
the Best I’m shouting...sorry! I have However, I must point out
started ranting, which wasn’t that I do have a flashing fire
my original purpose so back alarm and a vibrating pillow.

Gavin Reid to the subject at hand...pure The flashing fire alarm is ut-

entertainment...maybe. terly useless when you are

My name is Gavin and I am asleep as you are surprise,

deaf. That basically sums me surprise... asleep! The vibrat-

up in one sentence; I’m not ing pillow does wake me up;

going to bore you guys with though I’m sure there are

the details of how I became many other uses for it if you

deaf but rather give you the were a deaf girl...

more entertaining positive

side of a potentially life ruin- 3) Another benefit is that I

ing situation. For those very can switch my hearing aid off

few that know me I am the in a public toilet so I don’t

one talking the loudest in hear the plip- plop sounds

the room totally oblivious to coming out of other cubi-

the fact that I am indeed cles...

shouting. I don’t care that 1) The most obvious benefit
I’m talking loudly because I
am always the most impor- to being deaf is being able to 4) I’m a natural born come-
tant person in the switch off one’s hearing aid dian, I’m not funny but it’s
room...apparently. Yes, I when an annoying person is fun to laugh at me... I am not
have been brought up with trying to get your attention, I a massive fan of this one,
the phrase “Your hearing have done that countless though I am a good sport
makes you special”, so don’t times, so if I ignore you in and will only give any person
blame me if I take that to the future I don’t like you. who finds me hilarious one
heart. I am personally not a Though having said that, black eye, two broken ribs
fan of the aforementioned sometimes I genuinely don’t and a chewed off ear... so
phrase because since I was a hear you, so don’t take the you are warned!
previous message to
wee kid I have been put on a heart...or should you?
metaphorical pedestal which 5) Quite often I can come up

sort of makes people think with some random thing
“Ah he’s deaf/ blind/ mental/ 2) Fire alarms are the bane that I thought that I had
AID ridden so he’s therefore of all Bowland Main stu- heard...one example comes

dents, waking up everyone

10

from Sara Heckles when I BOWLAND LADY 2010
thought she said “I like being
raped by my boyfriend” when The New Year so Far
she had actually said “I like being
with my boyfriend”... oh so simi- Snow, Snow and More Snow
lar aren’t they?
Emma Ashley
6) I do wish I could hear the lyrics
to songs; however I do have a lot What has the New Year bought us so far? Snow,
of fun making them up during ice, more snow and black ice. One of my New
nights out just so that people Year’s resolutions was to be more positive and I
don’t find it a bit weird that I’m am certainly sticking to it. Every year we pray for
the only person not singing to Mr snow and when we get it we moan about it, but
Brightside. I can also turn my that I suppose is the British way. Everyone is cold
hearing aids off whenever High and shivering, turning up at work with the tem-
School musical comes on, which perature at a high of minus seven degrees Cel-
is a massive plus; I think in that sius, but come summer we’ll be complaining that
case my sanity is definitely saved it’s too hot and that we can’t wait till Christmas
by my hearing aids. when it’s cooler.

I’ll be continuing to write more It amused me that various tourists from ar-
fun facts about deaf people and eas where they get six feet of snow every winter
me in the next issue. However as did not understand why Heathrow was shut. Give
I am rubbish of trying to think of us rain and floods and we’re prepared! But does
a great pun for my title for next it look like we have chains for our tyres or that
week please send me some we all have 4X4’s. As I write this I have just got
off the phone to my dad who is stuck in over
To get in touch with Gavin or to fourteen miles of traffic due to the snow, he’s
find details on how to write for moved half a mile in over an hour people are
the Bowland Lady, access our abandoning their cars. Who knows what we’d be
Facebook group “Bowland Lady like if a massive disaster happened!
2010-11”
The New Year is here and most of us, I’m
sure, have made New Year’s Resolutions and bro-
ken at least one of them by now, if not within the
first 24 hours. But never mind because we’re
back in ‘sunny, not at all snowy’ Lancaster and
back in Bowland College. Plus the bar is still here
so let’s drink to that!

11

BOWLAND LADY 2010

Feeling All Toasty In- its origins lie with the Chris- ple around the table in-

side tian Union, who in exchange volved in listening to the re-
for a consumer generated sponse. So far I believe the

Graeme Hutton question about Christianity record to be six toasties con-
provide a free toasty with a sumed by one person in a

There are certain occa- wide variety of fillings, rang- night, though if anyone has

sions that whilst in a real ing from ham and cheese to surpassed this I would be

world environment may be chocolate and banana. happy to hear from them.

considered to be of minor That’s right, a chocolate and Each of the volunteers,

importance or go uncele- banana toasty! Each one is almost lacking an exception,

brated, yet within parkland as enjoyable as the last and have thus far been polite

confines of Lancaster Univer- is accompanied by a well and open to hearing new

sity present us with an ex- thought-out response to the ideas. Genuine care is taken

cuse to capitalise on the op- initial religious query. over each and every answer,

portunity to vary an other- Many of you will imme- with debate often ensuing

wise fairly repetitive Bow- diately recognise the social and being of a high quality.

land social calendar. Pancake event that presents itself No topic seems off-limits,

Day for example provides given this information; an with questions ranging from

with an ideal time to cast event of assembling around stances on homosexuality to

aside the conventionally a table in the JCR, grabbing a religion’s role within politics

scheduled event of a gradual few drinks from the bar to the nature of artificial life

decline into a drunken stu- (with optional board game) all having been asked.

por, in favour of rapidly and spending the six hour Ultimately the evening

reaching an epic sugar-high. toasty window generating provides a great way for the
This and many other tradi-
tions await us later this insightful questions in order C.U. to engage others with
term, but another has to acquire more bready
slipped by quietly, almost goodness. Over the course of the ideas of the Christian
unnoticed by the masses,
the night one gets to know faith and, perhaps more im-
those serving the toasties to portantly, to dispel any pre-

one affectionately known as the extent that genuine con- conceptions about Christians

“Toasty- Day” by its ever- versation and debate can on the part of the Toasty-

growing fanbase. take place, which makes the Fans. By presenting a prag-

Although not yet estab- evening far more enjoyable. matic and understanding
lished as an annual event Other joyous festivity can be
“Toasty- Day” is becoming found in attempting to en- united front this clever initia-

institutionalised within the gulf more toasties than your tive destroys the image of
hearts of the Lancaster Uni- fellow competitors or in try- the dogmatic traditionalist

versity population. For those ing to come-up with the Christian.

unfamiliar with the concept, question that the most peo-

12

BOWLAND LADY 2010

It is called the ‘Filet O’ Fish’. It’s soft, it’s simple, it’s beau-

Ever heard of it? Nope, well tiful. It is so soft in fact that

your grandmother may have as the pads of your finger

and your mother certainly tips delicately clasp the

has. This dish has in fact sandwich, you will be con-

graced McDonalds menu’s vinced that you have just

Fillet O’ Fish since 1963, but for me it is picked up a pack of cotton
yet to really reach the ac- pads. It is simple, well, be-

Denholm Hesse claim it so very much de- cause it is just bread and it is
serves. beautiful because of this

Before reading beyond the So, you've read this far, simplicity and softness. You

first paragraph of this article, perhaps you have even can find delicate processed

ensure that you are sitting googled 'Filet O’ Fish' and re- cheese draping over the

down. Loosen all items of alised that no I’m not joking. sides, but make no mistake

clothing, remove your Bur- So now you are wondering it’s not trying to escape, in

berry cap and untuck those two things, how come I've fact its simply shouting out

trackies from your football never heard of it? And why is to be eaten. A bit like Steve

socks. Turn off that ruddy this guy so crazy about it? Irwin was.

Xbox, stub out your cigarette The answer to the first ques- On top of this brilliance

and please stop spitting on tion is because the ‘Filet O’ is a glorious, decedent and

the floor. McDonalds has en- Fish’ is niche and although, delicious golden cube of

tered the world of fine din- like most people in the past breaded, white, Alaskan pol-

ing. Sure, the dish is still en- decade you claim to be lock. When you first taste

cased in a typically McDon- unique and different, you're this pollock you will not only

aldsy cardboard box and you really not and still order that taste a lovely fillet but you

still have to sit on those ruddy 'Big Mac'. But you will also taste happiness.

tacky and cheap red plastic need not worry, you have The next ingredient is

chairs, which are as comfort- plenty of time to redeem key. It’s tangy, it’s creamy. Of

able as sitting in a room yourself. The answer to the course it’s the tartare sauce.

alone with you mate’s very second question is so com- It is the petrol in your en-

attractive mother. However plicated that it would create gine, the chlorine in your

this lack of comfort and at least six days of reading to swimming pool, the photo-

cheap packaging simply dis- explain. Luckily for you I graph in your passport. It

guises the fact that it tastes have condensed this down makes everything work.

like heaven and smells like a into around two minutes. I Without the tartare, it would

dream, in which you spend think a simple and honest simply be a fish finger sand-

six straight hours with description of this revolu- wich. You can make that in

Megan Fox. tionary dish should suffice. your own bleeding kitchen.

Naked. The bottom layer is bun.

13

BOWLAND LADY 2010

“We're going deep Featured Poet
and we're going
Liria
hard.” Yamamoto
Rodríguez
A New Addiction

Tom Skarbek-Wazynski

Addiction; your dark mis- It’s safe to say that you can evoke
tress. She eats away at you, meteoric sensations at every stroke.
slowly clawing you back in to You came across uneasy, thought it would last
her dark embrace, to suckle And freed that sparrow fast.
the sweet poison from her
twisted teat. Drawing you Tut.
into your own depraved Countless words I had to carry, though,
heaven, unaware of the hap- which made your love create a twinge
penings of the world around but as before and after, your words came low.
you. She can destroy your I keep myself from being maimed.
life, leaving you empty, beg- Around you, there is no certainty
ging on filthy street corners I confess I have, drowned in that desire
for money. but I always thought you would save me from that fire.
Here and there
I have an addiction, its not
sex, its not gambling, its not you go.
even alcohol; though my And after all these years I maze myself.
How could I ever say
how I love you

-in what way?

consumption of whiskey

probably counts as one. No, are blurring at the edges. My for their flights and I killed

my addiction is much worse addiction is Call of Duty: them all. Why? I had to, it

than any of that, I lose track Modern Warfare. was the only way to get

of time, I abruptly wake When I close my eyes and close to Makarov and stop

screaming, the sweat pour- I can still see them running, World War III, but it was all

ing off me. I’m always on screaming, crawling, begging for nothing!

edge, in constant fear of my for their lives. They were all

imminent death. My worlds innocent, peacefully waiting

14

BOWLAND LADY 2010

les of addiction’s embrace, is ‘Danger Close’ as Graeme

to admit that I have a prob- Hutton flanks my rear. Fun-

lem. This article is my COD nily it is the same thing I cry

Anonymous, my last ditch at- about 29 seconds into sex.

tempt to kick the habit that I want to apologise for ne-

will soon have me begging glecting my friends due to

on those filthy street corners my addiction. The same

for free internet or maybe a again for my degree. I also

Whilst I have owned Call gun to finish what I started. really want to apologise to

Of Duty 4 since its release. I Flashbacks: check. Feel- Mr. Gavin Reid for pushing

was able to resist its enticing ing emotionally numb: him down the stairs because

charms. However after play- check. Hyperarousal1; check! he couldn’t hear the sniper

ing its baby brother, I have All the classic sign of PTSD. I fire.

been dragged kicking and need help, but there is no "The healthy human mind

screaming, or rather re- one I can turn to, no one has doesn't wake up in the

cruited into the world of morning thinking this is its

Modern Warfare 1 & 2. last day on Earth. But I think

Half a second! I could that's a luxury. Not a curse.

have saved millions. I had To know you're close to the
the chance, the perfect shot. end is a kind of freedom.” -
He was in my sights, the Captain Price

wind had died; “It's now or seen things I’ve seen. 1 Not that you moron, it’s being easily
startled or feeling tense.
never, take the shot!” . I As I said my worlds are
2 ‘Oscar Mike’ is a military term used
pulled the trigger, the flag merging, I can’t tell what is be service men to denote being on the
move between to locations.
flew up, the wind was back! real anymore, I find myself
I’d taken his arm, the bastard shouting ‘Oscar Mike’2, as I

lived. leave a room to make a cup

I have been told the only of tea. Even worse is when I

way to throw off the shack- shout at the top of my lungs

This Week: Tom spent I lot of time shouting ‘Danger Close’. And finally started planning his
revenge.

15

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

The Saga of the Carter Shield

Erin Royle knowing Bowland, I
don't doubt. Then in
Female Sports Rep. the fourth week,

The Carter Shield kicked off last term with there was volleyball.
four sports that ranged from “obscure” to Which isn't a real

“no, I really haven't heard of that.” First, we sport. Really. We lost
had Dodgeball. And dodge balls we did. Like and we aren't bitter.

we were pros. We sailed through to the final Honest. Joking aside,

where we were cheated, BIG STYLE. Sec- we now sit comforta-

ondly, there was Women's Football. This was bly at third in the rankings.

my most stressful day as Sport's Rep so far Dean and myself would like to say a big
but once again – with the help of some awe- thank you to everyone who participated be

some Bowlanders we prevailed and went it supporting or playing. The whistle stop
through to finals day once again. On the tour of the term above can't really describe
third competition day, I was absent, however the tension and the laughs that were had

I am assured by Dean, the other half of the last term but you should come find out your-
sports tycoon, that we were amazing. Which self this term when it continues!

Dean Crabb

male Sports Rep. not for you please come down and support
on competition days everyone appreciates

This term there are two this and it proves time and again that our

taster sessions on the college really does have a spirit that other
17th January and 24th colleges can only dream of. Plus it is an ex-

January which include cellent excuse to give every other college the

the sports: pop lacrosse, men’s basketball, serious banter they deserve.

aeroball and a new edition this year; kwik The Carter Shield is under review this year,

cricket. We do have some promising talent in which means that if the numbers are not

this college, which myself and Erin feel we high enough it may be cancelled. This would
have only seen a small proportion of, so we
are urging you to come down to the porters be a terrible shame because it is all about in-

lodge 12pm Sundays, (it’s not that early!) clusivity and having fun, as well as giving us
Whether you play these sports at university sports rep’s something to do! On a more

level, or just want to find out what on earth positive note, Bowland are setting the stan-

areoball is, please come down. All abilities dard of attendance for other colleges, so

are welcome and encouraged! If playing is let’s keep that up.

16

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

Football Reports C Team Football.

Mike Haslem

As no C team matches were played during first

term, you could be forgiven for thinking that an

end of term review would seem pretty pointless,

but I thought I’d do one anyway. Inter- college

hype was at an all time high with the A & B

teams fighting it out for what they considered

the best players, on the assumption that the C

A Team Football. team was literally going to be filled with 11
Munkarans. (12 if you believe the song!).
Dave Fullylove
Our friendly was against Cartmel. We

Due to the horrific Lancaster started with an inexperienced 11, including a
weather, so far this season we've only goalkeeper that no-one had ever seen before.

had two games, however both of which We took a 3 nil deficit into half time forcing us
showed great promise for us! A battling make a total of 11 changes; including myself as

draw against Pendle showed just how the anchor of midfield, a brown Stig Tofting if
much passion the lads have got and how you will. We took it to Cartmel in the second half

much of a desire there is in this team to finishing the game equal at 3 apiece.

play for each other. Much like last year The successive weeks were not good to us

the freshers have integrated themselves as injuries ravaged the side; Mike Reagan got re-
perfectly! It can be monotonous for the petitive strain in his wrist and friction burns in

lads having so many games called off but his groin region forcing him out for the rest of

it has meant this first term has really the term, Pidgeon got mud on his socks so he

been focusing more about becoming a couldn’t play until January. We had no attack.
unifying team and training than actual Step up to the plate Mr Benjamin Fairclough.

match experience, but which is almost It was the Sunday morning after an ‘Old

guaranteed to be rewarding later in the Boys’ Saturday night but most of the lads turned

season. John Bekalo (vice President) and up, proving their dedication to the team. It was

I would just like to say we couldn't be an edgy first couple of minutes until Rick

more proud of leading of such a great ‘LePing’ Street showing his class proved the op-
bunch of lads for this college! position defence to be about as useful as our JCR

I just wanted to say a big “thank and we started to play some beautiful football.
you” to all the people who have come to LePing collected a poor goal kick, outpaced the
support us on match-days! Any further full back and smashed the ball from a tight an-
support will be greatly appreciated! gle. Unfortunately the game was finished prema-
turely due to heavy rain, with Bowland unable to

build on their one to nothing win.

17

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

B Team Football. The score was soon level at of problems and soon al-

David Geere 2-2 after winger Phil wood lowed Asim to beat his

raced clear of the Lonsdale marker and finish past the
Bowland 3 Grizedale 1 defence to oncoming keeper. Despite

At the start, Grizedale took easily the weather, Bowland dou-

full advantage of a defensive beat the It bled their lead midway

mistake to score but Bow- keeper.

land goalkeeper Mike was in looked to through the first half when

fine form and pulled off a be head- left back Martin Kelly lobbed

string of superb saves to ing for a draw with 5 min- the ball over the goalkeeper
keep Bowland in the game. utes left to go, but Bowland with his knee. Early in the
In the second half Bowland were finally rewarded for all
quality began to show as the good play with a penalty second half a Simone header

they soon levelled the game from David Geere. Within extended their lead to three.
minutes of the restart the Pendle were handed a huge
up to 1-1 when Simone

coolly finished from inside game was put to bed when slice of luck when they

the area. Bowland took the Simone volleyed home his scored straight from a corner

lead with a 25 yard screamer second goal of the game. the ball courtesy of the now
very powerful wind. This
from Jan. The game was put gave Pendle hope and within
minutes they scored again.
out of reach when Porc Bowland 2 Graduate 4

scored the second penalty of Another slow start by Bow-

the game land allowed graduate to

dominate the majority of the Hemmed into their own box

Bowland 4 Lonsdale 2 first half, their general play by the wind Bowland relied

It was Lonsdale who made was far superior and they on resolute defending, espe-

the better start and took the soon took and then doubled cially from Richard and mar-
lead in the first half and they their lead. Grad wrapped up
soon doubled their lead as victory piece to make 4-1. tin at the back, to keep them

Bowland struggled to get go- Bowland ended the game on in the game.. With only 5
ing. However on the verge of bit of a high by grabbing a minutes left a rash moment

half time Simone finished consolation goal by striker from a Pendle defender

neatly to ensure that Bow- josh his first of the season. meant that he brought down

land went in to the break the striker without getting

only trailing by one goal. The Bowland 4 Pendle 2 the ball, allowing David

second half was a very dif- Keen to make amends for Geere to score his second
penalty of the season.
ferent story than the first as the last performance Bow-
Bowland looked to stamp land started the game very
their authority on the game. well, causing Pendle all sorts

18

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

Pool Results A Team Pool.

John Bekalo

B Team Pool After narrowly missing out on the top
spot after last year I was determined to
Ben James mould a team that could go one better
this time round! Despite my early scep-
It was all change for Bowland pool this year as ticism about the quality on offer, trials
a result of the mass exodus of the previous gave me a lot more hope after seeing a
year. However, with an influx of new players number of second years come out of
proving their worth, the B’s have had a success- the woodwork and step up to the A
ful season thus far. Beginning the season top Team. SCAN had tipped us to win the
and staying there until the last week of term, league (not down to the fact that the
when Pendle capitalised on their narrow 5-4 Editor has been a stalwart of Bowland
win over Bowland. The gap is now just two Pool since the late 1970's) and I was
points at the top between the two colleges and quietly confident heading into the early
the B’s will feel they have a very strong chance season fixtures. Two defeats either side
of finishing the 2009/2010 season as champi- of a home win over County was not,
ons.Bowland got off to an awesome start with however, the ideal start to the season.
an 8-1 win over Cartmel. Fresher Ruari lost the
only game, resulting in him buying the rest of A lot of the squad hadn't played
the team drinks. He claimed to be off to the competitive pool before and we strug-
cash point, before never returning! gled for consistency early on, but tight
losses away in Cartmel and Furness was
The B’s began a winning streak, but came never going to be an apocalyptic night-
undone against the unfancied opposition of mare so it was back to the drawing
Grizedale, who beat Bowland 6-3 in their new board i.e. the practice table. Fortu-
bar. The team gained a massive result the next nately the state of the League this was-
week against Lonsdale, a 6-3 win marking their n't going to ruin our season but a win
title credentials, with Lonsdale also jostling for was essential and thanks in part to the
top place. At the halfway point of the season Fylde captain having a mental break-
the league is wide open, with a few colleges down when we were 4-3 up, we got
probably feeling that they can win it, but the ti- that morale boosting win (6-3 overall).
tle will be heading back to its rightful home, The win against Fylde was an early
Bowland. home wasn't going to ruin our season
but a win was essential and thanks in
part to the Fylde captain having a men-
tal breakdown when we were 4-3

19

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010
Dave 'Dragon' Fullylove and

Pool Results continued Michael 'Little Wolvie Face-
book Pervert' Haslem com-
DominoesUp, we got that morale

boosting win (6-3 overall). John Bekalo bination has had a great term
finding their niche as the sec-
The win against Fylde was ond pairing and producing
results of reflecting their
an early turning point in our The sport that everyone
season as we've been un- wants to read about! After
beaten ever since and wins some early season mishaps,

away in Grad and against like losing every week myself, pure domination - a marriage

those inbreds in Lonsdale my fellow dominators have made in heaven except nei-
have been crucial (James been in scintillating form! Af- ther will ever get there as a
ter great mid and end of
Bowry's 4-4 decider was term form we sit three points result of their desire to post
beautiful to watch) and not
easy to come by. Combined off the top of the league and naked videos and pictures on
social networking sites! Fi-
with home wins against in great position to bring

Grizedale and Pendle, we're Bowland its first Dominoes nally the John 'Nighthawk'
in a great position (7 points Championship since God- Bekalo and Christian 'Budgie

off the top - absolutely knows-when. Lack of consis- Lungs' Steels pairing. I was
nothing!) to push for the ti- tency in team selection was rocking about like a man
tle and we are desperate to the downfall at the beginning
wrap it up at the end of of term. Adam Vaughn Fergu- without a home in dominoes
March.
son's life issues were ham- terms before the arrival of lit-

For me, one of the most pering his ability to play and tle budge on the scene and
important things about our the less said about the trial ever since we hooked up the
season has been practice, of the emancipation of
results have been magical

every week we've practised, women into the Dominoes one loss in 5 or 6 outings has
arena the better! But we
we've won - simple and ex- have a settled side and some led to us becoming statisti-
tremely effective and it’s no
coincidence that consistent flair combinations ready to cally the best combination in
practice since the defeat to make an assault on the top of Bowland much to Little

Furness has reaped its re- the league this term. Wolvie's horror! If Horse Rac-

wards. We've been un- James 'Powerpod' Bowry and ing is the sport of kings then

beaten ever since and can Alex 'Studface' Page may Dominoes is the sport of war-

boast a formidable home re- seem an unlikely pairing, a riors and expect these six he-

cord with 100% win rate in lot like Shrek being married roes of Bowland Dominoes to
'the arena.' And of course to Cheryl Cole, but they seem battle to bring home the ti-
every arena has its Gladia- to work and will continue to tle!
tors. dominate playing first up for

the Bowland Dominatrix! The

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SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

Darts

Women’s

Megan Griffiths

I am really proud of the women’s darts team. At the start of term we had two players left;
myself as Captain, and Nicola Williams as Vice Captain. We needed to find at least five
more players before week two, which was quite a tough job. But we got a team together,
and what a team it is! Louise Whitehead, Tish Hallam, Beki Turner, Sofi Hall, Kath Embling
Aimee Hopper, Anne Stobbart and Erin Royle. All really good
darts players who stepped up when they were needed.
Our record for term one was 4 wins and 4 losses. Impressive
for a team where most of the players hadn’t even picked up a
dart before. My personal highlights of the term were:

1- Beating County: It had hadn’t been done before in the
two years I’ve played for the team. Also, Bowland are the only team they’ve lost to
this term. Happy, happy days!

2- Beating Lonsdale 6-1. Enough said.
3- Beating Pendle in the decider: Personally, this was great day for me because I won

the decider against their captain. This put us at the top of the league for a week
whilst everyone played their last matches.
4- Proving everyone wrong: All the other teams thought we were not up to the task
but we proved them wrong completely. We finished 5th for the term. Not bad for a
team who were bottom of the table until week 6!
o, thanks to all the ladies for playing awesomely, let’s keep up the good work!

21

SPORTS BOWLAND LADY 2010

League Tables

IC Football League A IC Netball League

Team Won Lost Drawn Points Team Won Lost Drawn Points
Fylde 3 0 0 9.0 0 0 18.0
Grizedale 2 1 0 6.0 Fylde 6 1 0 12.0
Cartmel 1 1 1 4.0 2 0 12.0
Pendle 1 1 1 4.0 Bowland 4 3 0 9.0
Bowland 0 1 1 1.0 3 0 9.0
Furness 0 1 1 1.0 Lonsdale 4 3 0 6.0
County 0 1 0 0.0 5 0 3.0
Lonsdale 0 1 0 0.0 County 3 6 0 0.0

Cartmel 3

Grizedale 2

Pendle 1

Furness 0

IC Football League B Carter Shield George Wyatt

Team Won Lost Drawn Points College Pts College Pts
Fylde 4 0 0 12.0
1 Fylde 53.0 1 Bowland 290
Graduate 3 1 2 11.0 Grizedale 53.0 2 Lonsdale 253
38.0 3 Pendle 249
County 3 1 0 9.0 2 Bowland 38.0
Bowland 3 1 0 9.0 Lonsdale 35.0
Pendle 2 3 1 7.0
Cartmel 1 1 1 4.0 3 County Bs Pool

Grizedale 1 3 0 3.0 As Pool Cartmel won 8-1
County won 5-4
Lonsdale 1 4 0 3.0 Cartmel lost 5-4 Furness won6-3
Furness 0 4 0 0.0 County won 6-3 Fylde won 5-4
Furness lost 6-3 Graduate won 7-2
Fylde won 6-3 Grizedale lost3-6
Graduate won 5-4 Lonsdale lost6-3
Grizedale won 6-3 Pendle lost 4-5
Lonsdale won 5-4
Pendle won 5-4

If you would like to write for the Bowland Lady, email either:

Graeme at [email protected]

Or Anastasia at [email protected]

22