So you really want to know

Preface
I think the biggest thing I want people to understand is
that this is my perception, My feelings, The way I
perceive the situation at hand and what I took out of it.

The biggest flaw I see in most books or articles I read
today is if people heard or interpreted the conversation
differently, or saw the story unfold differently, or even if
they felt differently they claim that the story is untrue or
"Fake News". I don't think that is the fact at all. Everyone
has their own side. It's all perspective.

What is perception or perspective?
Discernment "conviction

Everyone has their own emotions they don't allow other
people to see. Everyone has a unique story to tell. I've
felt for a really long time ridiculed and almost feeling as
if I'm not allowed to speak freely, with someone always
having a snide comment or something to correct me in
my tale of what I encountered, and for once I wanted to
sit down and write how I viewed my life, and how I
viewed my own perception of my upbringing, My battles
And overall growing up in a society of major change
from the years of 1988 to currently. How I view myself,
sincerely..

I want to be sure I show appreciation. Appreciation to
those that have walked side by side with me through my

never-ending changes physically, mentality, spirituality,
and emotionally.

I feel some people write books with the goal of best
sellers in mind, twisting the truth and not identifying the
true situation or over-analyzing or over-explaining
situations in order to connect with their audience. I feel
like a lot of us are normal people who live in everyday
life and have everyday battles. We're challenged
mentally, physically and emotionally daily by what
society tells us what we need to be and what we need to
do in order to survive in today's culture.

I just want to speak my piece, And I hope in being
honest and being open and truly expressing what I saw,
what I see, and what I think And what I've learned. It'll
touch someone or make them realize the things they are
seeking, or feeling are normal. It will make someone
else feel that they aren't alone in this crazy mess.

I hope this piece does no harm but rather shines a light
on myself and others I encountered in my life. Every
action has a reaction. Repercussions are a real thing,
but how can we sit there and ridicule someone's
perception of reality when it nowhere compares to our
own?

[ ] Mirror Mirror

I think the hardest thing about writing about yourself is
being open and honest enough to make yourself
vulnerable. Vulnerability is the biggest struggle that I
think anybody has in their life because self-reflection is
the hardest thing to do.

TED TALKS VULNERABILITY

[ ] Parents
Father, mother, siblings.

[ ] Shepherd
Parents separation
Mechanics and Bombers

[ ] Music and bars

[ ] Justin
Justin became a part of my life around the age of 2 or 3.
My imaginary friend that played with me, talked with me,
told me things, and all together with my best friend.

[ ] Therapy
Dreams - figuring out mom

[ ] Religion and moving

Solid rock, calvary springs, calvary chapel, master
school, NBC's, hcc
Hosptial volenter

[ ] The Go(o)d Years
youth group, drugs, Robin, v, lindsy, Spencer, tasha,
ross
Sexuality and Reflection
Drugs

[ ] Relation Ships
Anthony, austin, Blake, trevor, kooter
Dexter reflection

[ ] Travel We are ants
Scotland, Illinois, North Carolina, europe, romania,
germany, san Fran, bolt hill, Virginia city, emerald bay

[ ] Carreer 1 girl and 1 empty cup
Ocsds, out of the blue, the parlour, my magic mud, new
beginnings

[ ] Marriage sexuality
Kooter robin v liv etc

[ ] No kids

[ ] When parents become people
Divorce, deb , jay

[ ] I'm not your girl

[ ] Manipulation

[ ] Knights of the Round Table: A battle within your own
personalitie

[ ] My myself and I

[ ] Prophetic Dreaming
"It's so beautiful." The sunset looked as if had been
turned to oil. A snow-capped peak lingered in the
distance. Suddenly a mass explosion. I watch as the
snow cascades down the mountain a plume of ash
blanketing the sky and ignited the stars. I stand frozen in
this house gazing out a window of impending doom
coming at me. I can't move all I can do is watch as this
mass comes barreling at me to hit the house and BAM
I'm awake.

When I woke up from this I was mesmerized with how
real everything felt. I was this person or with this person
in this house. I remember the colors so vividly. I told my
husband about it and I remember getting on facebook
and writing about it.
Later a facebook a friend replied and this is what I
found.

I don't dream often and I'm thankful. When I do dream
they are usually prophetic, or I'm desperately searching

for something. I'm always in the same place with subtle
differences or observing future conversations, events, or
outcomes.

...and it did... It was the closest I ever felt to being united
with what I feel is the truth. To be tuned into something
entirely greater than yourself. To feel like you had
all-knowing knowledge for a split second.

I've been told this could have been astral projection.
Possibly maybe. I just didn't feel like it personally. In this
dream, I felt as if I was looking through someone else
eyes. I am was them. For a moment.

When Allen informed me about this eruption I tried to
think if I even had any connection with this country. Do I
know anyone there? I've never been there. I have no
clue who this woman was I shared this moment with but
I'm grateful. Honestly.

For me it wasn't just a dream it was a huge affirmation of
the connections I've been talking to a few about and
kept my mouth shut about for a long time. For me, it was
a giant nod to a step in the right direction.

Personally, prophetic dreaming is bittersweet. I
continuously try to embrace my gifts and expand upon
them but I will admit it's hard when at times things you
experience, see, or encounter leaves a bitter taste in
your mouth like sucking on a coin.

People say ignorance is bliss and I understand more
now than ever why people choose to live in ignorance.
Knowledge hurts, it breaks you, it bends you, it twists.
You open yourself up to a lack of surprise and a lack of
emotion in situations.

You constantly wait for that "thing" to happen and when
it does you process that situation completely differently
than most people.

How do you process the knowledge of knowing how
your father will die?
When this situation happens. Of course, you will have
emotions of sadness, etc. But on the other end, you also
are compartmentalizing what you already knew. You
know longer have this weight of waiting. You were not
surprised because of the premonition. Your still trying to
understand how or why you had this knowledge in the
first place.

I've always felt alienated by this gift until I met my
husband. I've been told numerous times by people to
get out of their heads and that's fine. People don't like
people digging around.

The eyes are literally the windows to the soul. I read a
meme on Facebook that said if someone keeps eye
contact with you longer than 10 seconds it means they

want to fuck you or kill you. I told my husband I wonder
how many people worry about me.

I've learned I cant look into a lot of people's eyes. They
speak. When I walk into stores, restaurants, etc I thank
the universe I'm tall and go in overlooking everyone. No
one has faces to me for the most part unless absolutely
necessary.

[ ] Dont speak

[ ] My weakness: I care to much

[ ] Faith. What the #&%$ is that?
My view on " religion" research faith

[ ] Hating my body and admitting that: getting over denial

[ ] Grey
This subject has been one in my life I have gotten
constant criticism for. I've been called a liar, I've been
called crazy, a witch, a freak, dark, and misunderstood.
I've lost a lot of friends and been made to feel like this
part of my life you keep behind some locked door you
don't speak of like the uncle that rapes his brother's
daughter. You're made to feel ashamed. Yours made to

feel like your not normal and I'm here to tell you it is
normal and to open the door.

Being raised in the church there was a definitive line
between dark and light. There was no grey area. It was
God or Satan. Demons and Angel's.
So growing up Justin was a demon, Explained by my
Christian Therapist.
As I got older and starting my own journey I realized it's
not that simple.

There's more grey area than there is dark or light. Those
two spectrums cling desperately on the outer most rim
of this expansive grey space. That these demons,
ghosts, spirits, or entities that I encountered in my life
were scattered along a vast dimensional scale of
nonunderstanding. That with everything stripped away
energy was what was fueling these encounters.

As I got older my visual stimulation of these energies
went away. What I was left with was empathic telepathy,
visions from touch, encounters of smells, prophetic
dreaming, and a huge discernment for malicious or
malevolent energy.

Growing up an only child, having conversations with
imaginary friends was nothing new with young children.
My mom thought nothing of it for a really long time and
to me this was normal.

I've often tried to put myself in my mom's shoes in these
situations to better understand her logic and mentality of
having a child who is open to these energies.

Typical afternoon, playing with an imaginary friend and
Mom casually asks who I'm playing with. I let her know
I'm playing with my big sister Jessica and continue on. I
didn't know anything was wrong with this. I was 3 or 4
years old.

It wasn't until I was 16 or 17 years old my mom would
finally tell me that in college she had gotten pregnant
with a little girl. My mom had ended up getting an
abortion but Before she had made that choice she was
going to name this baby girl Jessica.

As I got older and my mom opened up with me about
my childhood, and questions I started to have it all
started to make sense. This Picasso painting of pagan
religious secularism is becoming more clear.

Me speaking with Justin was one thing she already
didn't like or understand but being aware I was speaking
to dead relatives I think kick-started this rabbit hole of
Sunday Church, Wednesday Bible Study, Christian
Schools, and a whole other list of things trying to shelter
me from this big bad wolf we call the world.

We are nothing more than energy scattered across this
huge expansive grey space and in this space, we
encounter other energies whose paths cross our own.

I believe everyone has at one time had the capability of
tuning into these other frequencies and as we get older
we become the more distracted and lose sight of this
grey space. I was talking with a friend who is like a
magnet for energy. Everywhere she goes she has an
encounter or moment. She had fear for a long time not
understanding what to do with this gift and not sure how
to proceed with this gift.

I tried to comfort her in not every energy needs saving,
needs to quote move on. Sometimes a pit stop with
something tuned in to the same frequencies in a vast
space can be comforting. I feel almost she gets these
visits strictly so this energy can in its own plane even for
a moment have a sense of assurance of existence or
acknowledgment.

My friend asked me how I never have fear she's called
me an enigma for the fact that I just seem to walk
around with these dark entities in a Mason jar that never
affect me. I rebutted asked her if it's all you've ever
known and it's all you've ever encountered why would
you have fear of it in the first place. I find comfort in the
thought that it was a sense of normalcy I would almost
find it more unsettling to not have these moments,
encounters or experiences. I find them personal.

Going back to discernment and conviction and
perception if everyone's discernment conviction and
perception are heightened on different planes How can
you make fun of or make someone feel awkward or
weird for not wanting to go into a specific part of a
building or not going into a specific Room.

Discernment has kept me out of a lot of uncomfortable
situations and harm. Conviction has let me stand my
ground for my beliefs and what I think is true and my
morals.

I'm tired of society not accepting or facing energy or
dimensional planes of existence. Fear comes from not
being educated. Fear comes from not knowing. I think
our views as a whole would significantly change if more
people were in tune with these vibrational fields.
Grasped silence and let intuition and discernment take
root.

Silence is something scarce these days. Even when we
calm ourselves we have the constant background noise
of the highway, alarms, sirens, people on their phones,
tv, and the list goes on.

I've noticed how uncomfortable people are with silence.
Sometimes it's just a lull in a conversation needing to fill
the gap with some random noise or sentence just to
hear the sound of their own voice.

Silence for me is where I find the most wisdom, its when
I'm talked to the most, and when I feel connected with
everything around me all at the same time.

Silence gives me time with my own thoughts and
emotions. To process what's foder and what I need to
expand upon. In doing this my discernment grows in
doing this exercise this muscle gets stronger.

I think every person encounters these vibrations
differently

A liar, no. Crazy, some would agree but not when it
comes to this topic. A witch, no. A freak, no. Dark, and
misunderstood, potentially and yes. But in the end, it all
comes back to the vast dimensional scale of
nonunderstanding. The grey area.

[ ] Shut your mouth

Chapter 1-3
Childhood whichita

Chapter 4-7
San macros/graduation

Chapter 7-1

Love, religion, sickness

Chapter 12-13
Mental

Chapter 14- 17
The questions we ask

Chapter 18-20
Being heard