Yesterday I Was The Moon

Copyright © 2017, 2018 by Noor Unnahar

All rights reserved.
Published in the United States by Clarkson Potter/Publishers, an imprint of the Crown
Publishing Group, a division of Penguin Random House LLC, New York. Originally
published by CreateSpace, Scotts Valley, California, in 2017.
crownpublishing.com
clarksonpotter.com

CLARKSON POTTER is a trademark and POTTER with colophon is a registered
trademark of Penguin Random House LLC.

Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available upon request.

ISBN 9780525576013
Ebook ISBN 9780525576020

Cover design by Danielle Deschenes
Illustrations by Noor Unnahar

v5.2
prh

for
Amma Jaan and Areeba





Cover
Title Page
Copyright
Dedication
Contents
Epigraph

yesterday—i was the moon
i am building
{shams un-nisa}
i am the rage

i want stars, strength, and balance in my soul
to the person who
{the golden trio}
learn to lose
i envy the sun
in this human skin
people leave
wishlist
you are
{namaz}
{you are a miracle}
it only takes
when you fall
{bilingual}
you’ll have to learn

{haunted houses without ghosts}
{nomads}

like the anger of fire
{too afraid}
grow

{my favorite metropolis}
how easy it is
isn’t it

you look like a museum to me
{when women become the skies}

my dreams now look like spears
{flags}

{when an artist falls in love}
{difficulty}
history
{the sky & i}
{survival}

you’re the moon
{forgiveness}

isn’t it absolutely
{hijab}

it’s okay
{change}
my bones carry
bravery was the lullaby
{a work in progress}
{teaching survival to my heart}
art doesn’t ask
the most beautiful thing in this world isn’t made
the price of leaving
{accent}
{creating the balance}
{a thank you note to the universe}
home murmurs
when everything comes crashing down
wear your past with grace
{it was art}
falling in love with cities is risky

{azeez aurton — dear women}
some mornings
do not worry
{nikah}

{the artists and their art}
broken homes produce

distance becomes
someday
{heartbreak}

{before being nice}
sadness

{welcoming defeat}
{women of my family}
when ache arrives
how dare you call

you had a face
i fled

{absence}
strong
i am fighting
no fire
{the color of whispers}
{future}
be kind
metal clashing with fire
you said you would stay forever
darling
{family name}
with this thunder in your heart
i go to a war against words
{a promise}
the kind people
{wanderlust}

confidence is
{a writer’s remedy}
who would have thought

i am learning
accept change

{freedom}
{the struggling artist}
a bolt of lightning

{broken family}
what if we started naming heartbreaks after
my heart has become a silent neighborhood

with every sunset
every single dream you’ve pushed into

survival is not beautiful
i roam around in nameless alleys

i can fix a lot of things
i am growing flowers

{noor}

{author’s note}
khatam shud

“How long,” they say, “how long, O cruel nation,
Will you stand, to move the world, on a child’s heart,—

Stifle down with a mailed heel its palpitation,
And tread onward to your throne amid the mart?

Our blood splashes upward, O our tyrants,
And your purple shows your path;

But the child’s sob curseth deeper in the silence
Than the strong man in his wrath!”

{Elizabeth Barrett Browning, “The Cry of the Children”}







yesterday—i was the moon
today—just an eclipse

something in me travels; some days it’s to
the dark

some days it’s to
the light

i am building
a house

where the floor is
made up of strength
where the walls are
crafted of ambition

where the roof is
a masterpiece of forgiveness

i am building
myself

my mother’s name
translates into

the sun of the women
she named me
noor unnahar
light of the day

i shine when i want to
i burn when i have to
the sun named me light; i know
how to dwell in the sky
with eclipses and stars

{shams un-nisa}





i am the rage
left unspoken

unheard
unfortunately
by the women before me
so i write a lot and speak
a little firmly
giving life to the words that never
made it out of their mouths

i want stars, strength, and balance in my soul
it’s been a while since they were last
together in me

to the person who
will want to fall in love with me

i have been a sky all my life
full of life and light and anger

if you’re not coming with
thunderstorms; do not come

at all





nothing teaches better
than this trio

the fears, the tears, the years

{the golden trio}

learn to lose
and

it will teach you how
winning works

i envy the sun
that shines at your side
of the world; everything

looks brighter when
two of you rise





in this human skin
i am half war
half peace

people leave
because

unlike matter
that has firm, solid, strong

molecules
people are made up of
air, fire, earth and water

that change shapes
that keep moving
that cannot stop

so let them go
and let them be
the things they want
the shapes they like

because
in the end
you too will grow
into something
entirely new
so let them go

wishlist:

1. tremendous courage
2. the power of forgiveness
3. strength in abundance
4. an unlimited supply of kindness





you are
the peace after wars
the calm after storms

and everything
insanely beautiful
that shapes after

a tragedy

5:30 am
i wake up
dusting away my sins
even the sky is asleep
and calmness greets me; fajr

1:50 pm
i finish my chores
find peace on a mat
angry heat is roaming the streets
contentment enters my house; zuhr

5:40 pm
i will have my tea soon

but success awaits
in 4 rakats

the sun is now tamed; asr

7:00 pm
the light is going
and birds have gone
to their warm little nests
i am praying for home; maghrib

8:30 pm
the stars are bright
and they twinkle outside
the window of my room
I am standing in ruku; isha

this is how

5 times a day
i am

authentically, avidly, absolutely
alive

{namaz}





4:12 pm, five years ago, you were younger and
you were waiting for a miracle to happen; to

change everything. but this world isn’t as
generous as it appears and there’s always a lack

of miracles for those who wait for them. but
yes, it does extend a hand to everyone who is
willing to step forward and stare daringly in the

eyes of life to give them their share of
miracles.

{you are a miracle}

it only takes
a second or two
to look into their eyes

and decide
whether you’re home

or at just another
perfectly decorated house

when you fall
do it gloriously
collapse like a glass building
sink like a gigantic ship
and when you’re done
sinking and collapsing and
sinking and collapsing
build yourself
with your wreckage





i walk on two bridges everyday
one is easy; like my mother tongue
the other is scary; like a foreign language

it creaks
and my soul is split
between these two bridges
i cannot stop sounding
like the language i grew up with
and i cannot stop speaking
this foreign language

for it helps me
survive

{bilingual}

you’ll have to learn
the art of

losing, choosing, and refusing
to win what we call
the game of life

some houses are haunted. but they aren’t
always inhabited by ghosts. sometimes some
memories dwell there so starkly, their nameless
faceless sorrow starts taking over and the walls
keeping that house together start to collapse. i
have walked into such houses only to witness a
melancholic past, a withering present and a

silent future. those houses carry the dead
dreams and maybe broken hearts too
because god knows where else one
could ever find this much sadness
that would turn one firm building
into an abandoned mess.

{haunted houses without ghosts}