CHAPTER II Becoming a Woman in Our Society r

Learning Gender 95

mothers, etc., with women continuing to be under- One Canadian report, however, found that not
represented as experts providing comments based all young women and teens were so easily influ-
on specialist knowledge of experience and spokes- enced. They voiced everything from disappoint-
persons on behalf of organizations. In other words, ment to annoyance and disgust at the media’s
11 years into the new millennium, news stories portrayal of their gender. “As I get older, I’m try-
are six times more likely to reinforce gender ste- ing to be a lot more comfortable with myself rather
reotypes than to challenge them, according to the than trying to look at the images and say, ‘I wish I
GMMP. was like that,’” a 21-year-old Ottawa student told
CanWest News Service. “You’re trying to fig-
The media in Asia, for instance, continue to ure out who you are, but there are some girls still
focus on an idealized version of beauty. When trapped in that mindset—they’re trying to be what
Fabienne Darling-Wolf, Ph.D., lived and taught the image on TV is telling them.”
in Japan in 1995, more than 50 percent of mod-
els in Japanese magazines were white, she says. BEHIND THE SCENES, ON THE SCREEN
A professor in the department of journalism at
Temple University in Philadelphia, Darling-Wolf One reason women and girls suffer from nega-
focused her dissertation on Japanese women and tive portrayals in the media—if they’re portrayed
their representation of attractiveness in the media. at all—has to do with whether women have access
Her research found that in Japan’s media-saturated to authority and ownership levels in media. “We
society, magazines and “trendy dramas” (the have to really understand how news is made, how
equivalent of Latin America’s telenovelas) all por- TV programs are made, how films are made, and
trayed white and Westernized versions of beauty we have to look at the politics and economics of
and appearance.13 these,” says Howard University’s Byerly. “We have
to understand that public policy has an awful lot to
“When I conducted interviews about this for my do with that.”
research, all the women were quite assertive about
not liking the fact that there were White models in More media mergers means fewer people are set-
their magazines. They said, ‘This does not fit us.’ ting policies and their values trickle down through
They were very adamant it was a bad thing,” she their main industries. In December 2007, the Fed-
says. “Since 1995, you look at Japanese magazines eral Communications Commission (FCC) in the
and you have fewer Western models but you have U.S. voted to allow greater consolidation in media
Japanese models who look Western.” ownership, despite vocal opposition from con-
sumer groups and women’s rights organizations.
The Japanese media also are notorious for
pushing the starving beauty trend, where ideals of Whenever the FCC allows big media conglom-
thinness and weight have become an obsession. erates to gobble up more stations, it leaves fewer
Research points to the media-weight connection outlets for women to purchase, and the voices and
in the United States as well. One study found the viewpoints of women and people of color are even
amount of time adolescent girls watch soap operas, further marginalized. Today, women own only 6
movies, and music videos is associated with their percent of commercial broadcast television stations
degree of body dissatisfaction and desire to be thin. and full power radio stations.
In another study, 10-year-old girls told researchers
they were unhappy with their bodies after watching There is also a dearth of female ownership in the
a music video by Britney Spears. entertainment industry, adds Cook, formerly of the
GDIGM. “Although there are many more women
“Many women feel they have these unrealistic in executive positions than before, women still lag
standards the media has set to live up to in order greatly behind men in creative positions that hold
to be wanted by a man,” wrote another blogger on power, such as writer, director and producer.” Of
Ask Amy. “It’s no wonder anorexia and depression the 150 films nominated for best picture from 1977
affects so many young girls these days!” to 2006, only a handful were directed by women,

96 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

including Awakenings by Penny Marshall, The r 26

Piano by Jane Campion, and Little Miss Sunshine Bitches and Morons and
Skanks, Oh My!: What
by Valerie Faris. Reality TV Teaches Us
About “Women”
In 2010, however, a woman broke new ground
JENNIFER L. POZNER
at the Academy Awards. Kathyrn Bigelow became
Women are bitches. Women are stupid. Women
the first woman in Oscar history to win the Best are incompetent at work and failures at home.
Women are gold diggers.
Director Award for her film The Hurt Locker,
How do we know? Because reality TV tells us so.
about a bomb-disposal team in Iraq. Bigelow Media is our most common agent of social-
ization, shaping, and informing our ideas about
called it “the moment of a lifetime.” In total, the people, politics, and public policy. Just ask Mike
Darnell, the bottom-feeder suit at Fox who
film garnered six Academy Awards, including Best brought us such classy celluloid concoctions
as Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Millionaire, Joe
Picture. Millionaire, and Temptation Island. The secret to
his ratings success, he once told Entertainment
If anything, Byerly would like to see concerned Weekly, is that his series are all “steeped in some
social belief.”
women of all perspectives refocus or shift their If you, like most people, think reality TV is
harmless fluff, Darnell’s admission should give
attention to those who produce content in media. you pause. When it comes to women, the “social
beliefs” that reality producers, writers, and editors
“It’s important to keep writing and documenting exploit are both anachronistic and toxic. Accord-
ing to a decade of “unscripted” (but carefully
and complaining about what we don’t like,” she crafted) television, women are desperate, pathetic
losers who can never possibly be happy without a
says. “But I can tell you these things aren’t going husband—and it’s hilarious when they get mocked,
dumped, or punched in the face. We’ve learned
to change until we restructure industries and until that women of color are violent, ignorant, “ghetto”
whores; bisexuals and lesbians only enjoy making
women move into more decision-making positions out in view of horny male onlookers; and men must
always beware of manipulative, money-grubbing
in media.” gold-diggers. Meanwhile, fresh-faced teens, hard-
working moms, and professional powerhouses alike
And it will be up to women to make that hap- all received the same memo: the only thing that
really matters is how you look in a bikini.
pen. Dismayed at the way Hillary Clinton had been That’s just the beginning. What else do reality
TV producers, writers, editors, and advertisers want
portrayed, supporters drafted language into the us to believe it means to be a “real” woman today?

Democratic platform standing up against sexism

and all intolerance. It reads, “Demeaning portray-

als of women cheapen our debates, dampen the

dreams of our daughters and deny us the contribu-

tions of too many.” [2011]

NOTES

1. Carolyn M. Byerly, interview, March 2009.
2. L. Flanders, 2004, Bushwomen: How They Won the White

House for Their Man. Verso.
3. Jennifer Pozner, interview, March 2009.
4. Geena Davis Institute on Gender in Media, GDIGM

Major Findings Overview based on Gender Stereotypes: An
Analysis of Popular Films and TV (2008).
5. USC Annenberg School of Communication and Journal-
ism, USC Annenberg Study Shows Recent Top Films Lack
Females on Screen and Behind Camera.
6. Crystal Cook, interview, March 2009.
7. Amanda D. Lotz, interview, March 2009.
8. Invisible women productions.
9. For Women of a Certain Age, Newsday.com, April 1, 2005.
10. ILGA, Gender and Media Misrepresentation in the Global
South, July 23, 2010.
11. IPS-InterPress Service, The Untold Stories of Violence
Against Women, November 26, 2009.
12. The Global Media Monitoring Project, Executive Sum-
mary, September 2010.
13. Fabienne Darling-Wolf, interview, March 2009.

Learning Gender 97

What do contemporary women think, how do they older women sewed needlepoint and did laundry
behave, who are they, at their core? (because that’s what worn-out old crones do, yes?).

Here are three of the genre’s most troubling Women’s antagonism toward one another is
answers. portrayed as innate even when a man isn’t in the
mix—and, we learn, it starts early. A Toddlers &
1. CATTY, MANIPULATIVE BITCHES Tiaras promo announces, “If competition had a
face, it would be hers,” over B-roll of a tot made up
From “frenemies” on lifestyle series such as The like a Gabor sister. Editing plays up regional and
Real Housewives and The Hills to flat-out enemies ethnic stereotypes. Stuck-up snobbery and betrayal
on dating and modeling shows such as The Bach- among wealthy white women is a major theme of
elor and America’s Next Top Model, reality television The Real Housewives of Orange County. In contrast,
presents women as being in constant competition Italian-American women throw “low-class” tan-
for romantic love, professional success, and per- trums on RHO New Jersey, accusing each other of
sonal fulfillment. Like the crabby villains in those prostitution, kidnapping, and drug dealing while
old Scooby Doo cartoons, everything a woman is flipping over banquet tables, while the African-
supposed to want could be available to her . . . if American RHO Atlanta are called “ghetto,” get
not foiled by some meddling bitch. into verbal brawls, and even hit one another.

“We’re all enemies, vying for the same prize,” one Producers ensure that women dutifully perform
For Love or Money dater says of her sexed-up com- their bitch-tastic roles by egging them on with
petitors. As proof, we’re treated to endless scenes techniques that would make PSY-OPS intelligence
of love-starved ladies badmouthing one another to officers proud. After all, the same tactics used to
the lone Y chromosome in their midst. “Women produce the genre’s oh-so-important “drama”—
tend to be jealous and catty and bitchy,” one of Joe sleep deprivation, misinformation, constant sur-
Millionaire’s so-called “gold-diggers” insists. One veillance, isolation from the outside world, minimal
angry Bachelor babe rants, “Girls can be conniving, food, and constant alcohol—are often used as ele-
deceiving and just vicious!” while another gestures a ments of torture. And so, they snipe away. They
mock-punch and grumbles, “I want to kick her ass. I attack each other in antagonistic confrontations
want to wring her neck. I want to so bad!” The lunk- (“You are all a bunch of catty-ass bitches!”—Fla-
head princes of such shows hardly hold their harems vor of Love), conspire like high school Mean Girls
in higher esteem: “There’s nothing like a good cat- (“[She’s] a ho and she’s got to go. She’s a total
fight!” Flavor Flav smirked on Flavor of Love; second bitch!”—Joe Millionaire), mouth off in bleep-filled
season Bachelor Aaron grumbled, “The vindictive “confessionals” (“You f*cking worthless c*nt. You
nature of all the women is starting to show.” are so . . . wasteful, bitchy, stupid . . . you’re worth-
less. Your parents must be ashamed of you!”—
That’s right—all the women. It’s not unusual America’s Next Top Model). Whether sloshed and
for the genre to reduce an entire gender to a few overtired or sober and alert, such angry outbursts
insulting adjectives. Women’s inherent cattiness are stoked and edited to “prove” that no matter
is coded into promo commercials plastering the how sophisticated or sweet her façade, nearly every
phrase “BACK STABBING!” in big, bold cap- woman is a selfish schemer deep down.
tions, while images of pretty babes are accom-
panied by feral hissing soundtracks. “The claws The moral of these sorry stories? If you don’t want
were bound to come out,” announcers prom- to get stabbed in the back, heed this canny Bachelor
ise. Feline madness was also promised on Age Of babe’s advice: “I know better than to trust women.”
Love, which pit “kittens” in their twenties against
“cougars” in their forties to win the momentary 2. STUPID, DITZY BIMBOS
affections of a doltish 30-year-old hunk. In the pre-
miere, the 20-somethings hung around their apart- Across unscripted subgenres, the female half of
ment hula hooping in bikinis, while the “decrepit” the population is portrayed as cringe-inducingly

98 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

stupid. After all, we learn from Bridezillas’ Karen, stupidity to get off—reality TV dudes act as if the
“Thinking is a waste of time. Thinking is for peo- less intelligent their conquest is, the more easily
ple who have no brains.” they can bed her—or to get over, as when Survivor:
Samoa castaway Russell Hantz bragged about “my
When the genre’s gender templates were first ‘dumbass’ girl alliance.” Meanwhile, female schol-
being created, reality TV taught us that “dumb ars, business leaders, community advocates, and
blondes” exist for our comedic pleasure. In 2002, other high achievers are left off the dial.
the original reality TV train wreck, The Anna Nicole
Show, encouraged us to snicker at the steady mental While we don’t get to see shows highlighting
and physical decline of a buxom, addle-brained, and women’s brilliance, sometimes their inherent idi-
seemingly stoned former Playboy Playmate, whose ocy is the concept around which an entire series is
slurred speech and erratic behavior fueled the show’s built. On Ashton Kutcher’s Beauty and the Geek,
tagline, “It’s not supposed to be funny. It just is.’’ dim-witted hotties paired with brainy but socially
One year later, MTV welcomed Newlyweds’ star awkward boys are instructed to “teach” each other
Jessica Simpson, who boggled our minds with how “valuable” life skills. The men instruct the women
little seemed to be in hers. She told the U.S. secretary in math, science, grammar, geography, technology,
of the interior, “You’ve done a nice job decorating and how to not be stuck-up bitches. In return, the
the White House,” and couldn’t tell the difference “beauties” (code for “bimbos”) teach the boys how
between chicken and tuna. Her every confused quote to find the right pair of good-ass jeans, construct the
became proof that, as a Dateline newscast announced, perfect pickup line, and dazzle at cocktail parties
“Saying something really dumb was now ‘pulling a with breaking news about Brangelina. The point of
Jessica.’” Her presence on television was harkened this “social experiment”? One gender’s knowledge
as proof that the stereotype of the “‘dumb blonde’ is vital to the workings of the world, while the other
won’t go away” because “Maybe it’s true.” has a lock on all things superficial. Where the trium-
phant men emerge as smart, well-rounded individu-
Reality producers cut their teeth on “dumb als with oh-so-much-better haircuts, fashion sense,
blondes,” but they want viewers to believe female and confidence, the jiggly, giggly girls’ “transforma-
stupidity knows no racial limits. On The Real House- tion” is limited to gushing about how they’ve looked
wives of Atlanta, NeNe Leakes was portrayed as a deep inside and learned that even geeks can be good
simpering idiot, unable to help her son with his math people. Wait, let me get that Harvard application.
homework because she doesn’t know if one third is
bigger or smaller than one half. While NeNe couldn’t Dating shows, too, bend over backward to con-
pass grade-school algebra, the sole white woman on vince us that women are dumb as a pile of rocks.
the show, Kim Zociak, couldn’t pass elementary On NBC’s early reality series Meet My Folks, nubile
English: asked, “How do you spell cat?” she replied: young things were given a patronizing “smarts test”
“K-A-T.” Producers pounce on such moments to (sample question: “When was the war of 1812?”).
paint their stars as intellectually inferior, yet during When a ditzy dater thought there are 346 days in a
RHOA’s entire first season viewers never learned year, the host snapped, “Are you blushing because
about original castmember DeShawn Snow’s post- you’re embarrassed? Because if you’re not, you
graduate divinity studies. Why? Because filming a should be!” Yet in a horrible catch-22, when real-
competent, intelligent African-American woman ity TV women aren’t embarrassingly dumb, they’re
pursuing a masters degree would have broken their condemned for that, too. This is what Tyra Banks
preferred narrative: that Black women (and their told bony medical student Elyse, favored to win
wealthy white lady friends) are gossipy idiots. the first season of America’s Next Top Model, just
before eliminating the frontrunner:
Casting directors seek out female participants
who are, lets just say, in no danger of being recruited “Elyse, your look is really strong for the fashion
to join Mensa. Producers pair them with male world. . . . I admire your intelligence. I think you
counterparts who expect to exploit their assumed are so smart. But one thing with that intelligence is

Learning Gender 99

that it can intimidate people, and there’s a way to We’re terrors before we wed: “There’s three
use that intelligence in a way that doesn’t feel like kinds of Bridezillas stalking the streets of America:
you’re maybe putting down other people or sound- the Princess Bride, the Neurotic Bride, and the
ing derogatory.” Obsessive Bride,” warns a Bridezillas narrator in
horror movie tones.
After a long, silent pause for dramatic effect, Tyra
sending Elyse packing. Her tiny couture bod made If we work outside the home for fulfillment or
the grade, but her big, fat brain cost her the title, from economic necessity, we’re slovenly house-
and the $100K that came with it. Get that, girls? keepers and bossy tyrants to wimpy husbands, or
Your mind is a terrible thing to use. so says Wife Swap, a televised version of the news
media’s trumped-up “Mommy Wars.”
If we’re supposed to assume that no one wants
to see a brainiac in a bikini, we’re also meant to We’re piss-poor parents to our out-of-control
understand that mental acuity isn’t cute in the children on Super Nanny and Nanny 9-11, where
quest for love. Thinking for a living is seen as “experts” from central casting can accomplish
a romantic handicap. “I’m a rocket scientist,” more with our kids in just a few days of parenting-
25-year-old Natasha said by way of introduction book platitudes than we can in all the years since we
to bachelor Luke on the opener of plus-size dating birthed them.
series More to Love. “My goodness. That’s a little
bit intimidating,” he blurted in response. “Oh! And as The Real Housewives are meant to illus-
Sorry!” she tittered self-consciously. He sent her trate, women with money are horrid human beings
home at the end of the first episode. As if there was who care more about our implants, mansions,
ever any doubt. galas, and feuds than our kids, husbands, families,
or communities.
3. WEAK WORKERS, WICKED WIVES,
MEDIOCRE MOMS Taken together, the reality TV landscape paints
us as failures in the domestic domain that we’re
The logical extension of women’s stupidity is supposed to believe is our sole responsibility. If
women’s incompetence—the notion that we are the genre insists women can’t even perform well
inequipped to function effectively in the “real” in their rightful realms of hearth and home—often
world (not to mention The Real World ). described on family shows as our “God-given
roles”—imagine how much worse its messages are
Reality TV has very clear, archaic notions about about female performance in professional and pub-
what a “woman’s place” is, and what it isn’t: as lic life.
one Wife Swap husband put it, fathers shouldn’t
do housework or cook for their children because Boob-power, not brainpower, is the key to
“cave men, the dad would go out there, work, and women’s success on The Apprentice, where ambi-
mom would stay home, cook, clean, and take care tious (and always gorgeous) female executives
of the kids.” Women, the genre suggests ad nau- are often shown relying on their sexuality to com-
seam, should be confined to their rightful realms pete against men’s supposedly inherent problem-
of hearth and home (and, of course, hot tubs and solving abilities. They flirt with clients to raise
strip clubs). But a funny thing happened on the donations for charity, flash their bellybuttons and
way to prime time: even when we’ve shed any last drop their skirts to sell lemonade and M&Ms, and
indicators of pesky ambition for the confinement are depicted as inept when unable to coast on their
of reality-TV-approved domesticity, we still can’t feminine wiles. What Donald Trump presents as
perform our “natural” roles with any efficacy. standard business practice is a recipe for a class
action sexual harassment suit.
We’re losers while we’re single, and especially
pitiful if unmarried after 35, cautionary tales such Excelling in sales negotiations is just one of many
as Who Wants to Marry My Dad? and The Cougar things reality TV tells women we just can’t do. We
tell us. can’t wait tables, milk cows, or manage not to des-
ecrate cremated ashes (The Simple Life). We can’t

100 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

inseminate pigs, sling fast food burgers, or avoid to overcome. And depictions of women as inher-
getting drunk as a nudist colony staffer (New York ently at war over female beauty and male booty
Goes to Work). We can’t serve and protect (“Female put an entertaining spin on decades of corporate
officers put people’s lives at risk,” a husband tells his news coverage pitting women against one another
“new wife,” a cop, on Wife Swap). We can’t work socially and economically, diverting attention from
construction, or even assemble an out-of-the-box true problems we could be allying to solve. If mil-
children’s playground safely (Charm School ). We lions of TV viewers come to believe that sister-
can’t cook as delectably as men (only one Top Chef hood is not powerful but spiteful, it becomes all
winner in six seasons has been female). We can’t that much harder for women to achieve any further
write or sing hip-hop (Ego Trip’s The [White] Rapper social, economic, or political progress.
Show ). We can’t even dress ourselves appropriately
for work, play, or the simple task of not embarrass- Young women and men who reached voting age
ing our loved ones (What Not to Wear). this year would have been just eight years old when
reality shows such as Who Wants to Marry a Multi-
THE BOTTOM LINE ABOUT REALITY TV’S Millionaire arranged an on-air wedding between an
“BITCHES,” “BIMBOS,” AND “INCOMPE- unsuspecting bride and a groom with a secretly vio-
TENT SKANKS” lent, restraining-order-tainted past. If they’ve had
TVs in their homes (or on their computers), they’ve
Reality shows can be addictively amusing—but potentially consumed a steady diet of thousands of
make no mistake, they are also deeply political. hours of programming claiming that in “reality,”
Their ideology mirrors Mad Men minus the cool female solidarity doesn’t exist, women’s inequality
clothes, and their producers have routinely glori- in the workplace and government is the result not
fied and tried to revive archaic gender stereotypes of structural bias but individual weakness, and the
most of us assume died away 50 years ago. most important thing a girl can do is look pretty.
How can this help but poison their worldview?
As any advertising executive can attest, media
images impact our desires, our beliefs, and our So the next time The Bachelor asks, “Will you
behavior—often dramatically. For example, more accept this rose?”—consider the thorns. [2011]
than one 1,000 viewers preordered the Pontiac Sol-
stice sight unseen within 41 minutes of GM launch- NOTE
ing the car on a commercial masquerading as a Jennifer L. Pozner is a journalist, a lecturer, and the direc-
storyline on The Apprentice. tor of Women In Media & News. This essay was adapted
from Reality Bites Back: The Troubling Truth About Guilty
Long-term exposure to tropes about women Pleasure TV. You can read additional excerpts, watch a satiri-
as stupid, incompetent, gold-digging bitches may cal media literary webisode series “Reality Rehab,” and find
begin to affect the way we see ourselves, our rela- information about multimedia lectures and workshops at
tionships to friends, loved ones, and co-workers, RealityBitesBackBook.com.
and our own place in public and private life. Damn-
ing portrayals of women’s incompetence at home r 27
and at work can send messages that are truly toxic
to women’s rights. If women are generally flakier, Words of Protest: How to
less talented, and less capable than men, why hire Write an Effective Letter to
us, support our artwork, elect us as politicians, pay the Editor
attention to our concerns as citizens, or respect us
as equal life partners? Likewise, the reign of the JENNIFER L. POZNER
reality TV Ditz Queen is an attempt to reinforce
a deeply held social belief (here’s looking at you, When an 11-year-old girl is brutally gang raped
Mike Darnell!) about women’s inherent intellec- by 18 boys and men ranging from middle school
tual inferiority that we have struggled for centuries

Learning Gender 101

attendees to a 27-year-old, the New York Times York-based media-monitoring, training, and advo-
reports that the victim wore inappropriate clothing cacy group, can help you make the leap from righ-
and was known to hang out with older boys, and teous indignation to effective critique.
laments that, in the words of quoted sources, “These
boys have to live with this the rest of their lives.” BE FIRM BUT POLITE

You flip through the cable news dial and on Make your case sans insults, rants, and vulgarity.
seemingly every network, all-male panels of poli- Nothing makes it easier for editors and producers
ticians and pundits are discussing conservatives’ to dismiss your argument than name-calling. Good
latest attempts to restrict women’s access to birth idea: “Your discussion of the rape survivor’s cloth-
control, abortion, and ob-gyn care—and few bother ing and makeup was irrelevant, irresponsible, and
to allow any women (not to mention feminists) a inappropriate. Including those details blames the
voice in the debate. victim and reinforces dangerous myths about sex-
ual assault.” Bad idea: “Your reporter is a woman-
More than a million feminists and their allies hating incarnate of Satan!”
gather in Washington, D.C., for a March for
Women’s Lives in 2004, then the largest-ever pro- BE REALISTIC BUT OPTIMISTIC
test in the nation’s capital—bigger than every civil
rights and anti-war protest in the 1960s. America’s Calling for the New York Times to transform itself
top print and broadcast news outlets significantly into a socialist newspaper will get you nowhere;
undercount protestors’ numbers and frame their suggesting that quotes from industry executives be
demands as having little to no impact . . . when they balanced by input from labor and public-interest
don’t ignore the march entirely. groups is more likely to be taken seriously.

California Democrats Loretta and Linda San- CHOOSE YOUR BATTLES
chez become the first sisters ever to serve together
in Congress, and the Washington Post devotes While we’d all like to see fewer exploited female
1,766 words in its style section to inform readers bods used to sell beer, asking the networks to reject
about the representatives’ preferences regarding such ads is a waste of time. (A letter-writing cam-
housekeeping, hairstyles, and “hootchy shoes.” paign to the companies that produce those ads is
(Number of paragraphs focusing on the congress- another matter.) However, it’s worth the effort
women’s political viewpoints: one.) to pressure news corporations to strictly uphold
the wall between advertising and editorial, and to
In the year 2000, just as Condoleeza Rice lobby the Federal Communications Commission
becomes the first African-American National Secu- to demand disclosure of product placement every
rity Advisor, Fox rolls out “Who Wants to Marry a time stealth advertising appears on screen. After
Multi-Millionaire,” which advances the notion that all, imagine how different your viewing experience
women can only achieve success by proxy, as arm would be if the words “This is an ad!” or “Com-
candy to rich husbands. By 2009, Senator Hillary mercial!” appeared on screen every time a rejected
Rodham Clinton is the Democratic front-runner bachelorette sobs into her name-brand cell phone
for president and Sarah Palin is the GOP nominee on a reality TV dating show, or an unhealthily
for VP—but on “reality” TV, “The Millionaire skinny girl is belittled while filming a TV ad for
Matchmaker” and “The Real Housewives of New CoverGirl in a product placement infomercial mas-
York City” showcase women who aspire mostly to querading as program content on “America’s Next
lives of leisure. Top Model.”

So, what else is new? Sexist and biased fare is CORRECT THE RECORD
business as usual for all too many media outlets—
but what do you do when hurling household objects For example, remind media outlets discussing
at Bill O’Reilly’s head just isn’t enough? These tips “partial birth abortion” that this imprecise and
from Women in Media & News (WIMN), a New

102 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

inflammatory term doesn’t refer to an actual medi- FINALLY, GIVE ’EM CREDIT
cal procedure but is, rather, a political concept fab-
ricated by conservative groups to decrease public Positive reinforcement can be as effective as pro-
support for abortion rights. Focusing on facts is
more persuasive than simply expressing outrage: test. Be constructive whenever possible, and com-
“Christina Hoff Sommers’s quote contained the
following inaccuracies” or “It is irresponsible to mend outlets when they produce in-depth, bias-free
quote sources who are widely known to lie about
matters of public record” are better than “Antifem- coverage. [2011]
inists like Christina Hoff Sommers should not be
quoted in your newspaper.” r 28

EXPOSE BIASED OR DISTORTED No Respect: Gender
FRAMING Politics and Hip-Hop

Look at whose viewpoint is shaping the story. JOHNNETTA COLE AND BEVERLY
Does a news report about economic policy quote
only representatives of corporations or govern- GUY-SHEFTALL
ment, without featuring any substantive input from
labor advocates or economic justice experts? Does WHAT’S LOVE GOT TO DO WITH IT?
a piece about foreign policy describe war as inevi-
table, without including perspectives of experts in At the core of the gender politics of hip-hop is a
diplomacy? pervasive and profound ambivalence toward Black
women and the portrayal of relations between the
KEEP IT CONCISE AND INFORMATIVE sexes as primarily conflictual. In an important
study of gangsta rap’s influence on college stu-
If your goal is publication on the letters page, a dents’ actual attitudes, and potentially their behav-
couple of well-documented paragraphs will always ior, Professor Bruce Wade and his student Cynthia
be better received than an emotional three-page Thomas-Gunnar present a compelling argument
manifesto. Sticking to one or two main points will that “explicit [rap] lyrics are generally inappropri-
get a busy editor to read through to the end. ate and harmful to society.”1 They discovered that
contemporary Black college students, especially
AVOID OVERGENERALIZATION men, believe that rap music accurately portrays
gender relations. Is it any wonder then, since the
Don’t complain that your local paper “never” music frequently communicates a general hos-
reports on women’s issues or “always” ignores tility, distrust, and disregard for Black women as
poor people. Even if stories on topics like workfare anything other than atomized body parts and sex
are infrequent or inaccurate, their very existence objects, that the study concluded that men who lis-
will serve as proof to editors that your complaint ten to rap music favorably were more likely to har-
doesn’t apply to their publication. bor attitudes that could be described as rape-prone?

ADDRESS THE APPROPRIATE PERSON Given the enormous popularity of hip-hop
and gangsta rap, this is certainly a frightening and
Letters about reportorial objectivity sent to editorial explosive finding. It confirms many critics’ beliefs
columnists or opinion-page editors will be tossed in that rap music has an undeniable and adverse
the circular file. influence on its young listeners. Certain rap music
lyrics, particularly gangsta rap, are apparently
PROOFREAD! effective at communicating a dangerous message:
that the enemy of Black urban youth is not just the
Nothing peeves an editor faster than typos or bad police or poverty, not only an unjust system, but
grammar. Black women and girls as well. Songs like “Trust

Learning Gender 103

No Bitch, Trust No Hoe” and “Bitch Betta Have cultural framework. A consideration of the legacy
My Money” portray Black women as predatory, of slavery is a good place to begin a serious exam-
untrustworthy, and worthless. ination of the root causes of the gender conflicts
that can be highlighted in hip-hop.
In many of these music videos, women are
stripped of any humanizing subjective identity, Under slavery, Black women’s bodies were
since the viewer observes only body parts, and viewed as commodities, and used as a breeding
the script is usually what social critic Michael Eric ground for the reproduction of a slave popula-
Dyson refers to as the rappers’ “subterranean, por- tion. Enslaved Black women were also raped for
nographic fantasies.”2 Often described as “booty the illicit pleasure of predatory white slave masters.
rap,” this form of rap is “characterized by an Lacking control of their sexuality and unable as
obsession with sex and perverted eroticism, visually mothers to protect their children from being sold,
backed by scantily clothed women mimicking sex Black women have always occupied a precarious
and sometimes actually performing it on stage,” social space in American society.
according to Perkins.3 As evidenced by the lyrics
of Underground Kingz (UKG), even pedophilia Paradoxically, Black women have long rep-
becomes fair game in this distorted and unreal resented the asexual, caretaking “mammy”; the
world of rap, sex, and violence. In an Essence arti- seductive and licentious siren; as well as the long-
cle, “Are Music Videos Pimping Our Girls?” self- suffering or emasculating matriarch. The deeply
described hip-hop feminist Joan Morgan believes held belief that Black women are less valuable than
“it’s up to us to identify these videos for what they women of other races/cultural groups—a legacy
are—adult content that shouldn’t be shown in of slavery—pervades all aspects of American cul-
prime time.” ture. Because their bodies have been devalued
and unprotected, it is appalling but not surpris-
THE VIRGIN/WHORE SPLIT ing that exploitative surgical procedures were per-
fected using the bodies of enslaved women in the
Given mainstream culture’s simple classification of American South. Anthropologist and writer Zora
women as virgins or whores—or, as Dyson puts it, Neale Hurston captures the devalued status of
angels or demons—it is not surprising, although it Black women in her famous novel Their Eyes Were
is disappointing, that contemporary African Ameri- Watching God (1937). Here, she creates a strong
can culture has internalized a general animosity and female protagonist, Janie Crawford, who struggles
ambivalence toward women. We believe strongly to assert her personal and sexual independence in
that the overwhelmingly sexist representations of the face of criticism from a visible Black commu-
Black women in gangsta rap and hip-hop are linked nity and an invisible white world. As Janie comes
to persistent negative images of Black womanhood of age, her grandmother cautions her against trying
in mainstream American culture. While African to establish her own identity and place in the world
American culture is distinct in many ways from because “Black women is de mules of deh earth.”
white culture, it is not immune to external influ-
ences. To be sure, the misogyny in hip-hop/gangsta . . . As long as female hip-hop artists are willing
rap is not entirely different in its impact from the to break down barriers and challenge misogyny in
woman-hating messages of the dominant culture. hiphop culture, there is reasonable hope for prog-
As one critic of hip-hop rightly points out, “The ress. And when a lone male dares to go against the
misogynist lyrics of gangsta rap are hateful indeed, pack, there is cause for celebration as well. Writer
but they do not represent a new trend in Black pop- and cultural critic Kevin Powell asserted in his
ular culture, nor do they differ fundamentally from “Confessions of a Recovering Misogynist”: “These
woman-hating discourses that are common among days I am a hip-hopper-in-exile. I dress, talk, and
White men.”4 To understand this hostility, we have walk like a hip-hopper, yet I cannot listen to rap
to begin with an analysis of the larger American radio or digest music videos without commenting
on the pervasive sexism. . . . I constantly ‘pick on the

104 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

men’ and myself, because I truly wonder how many famous Abyssinian Baptist Church. An outspoken
men actually listen to the concerns of women.”5 organizer at the 1993 protest rally in New York City
during which he called for censorship, the Rever-
The range of gender ideologies in hip-hop, end Butts continues his advocacy efforts for major
whether deployed by men or women, requires reforms in the rap community despite their First
much greater scrutiny as well as a commitment by Amendment rights to free speech. More of us, on
hip-hop artists and producers to healing the rift an individual and collective level, must challenge
between the sexes that is becoming harder-edged degrading images of women, boycott music that
and more mean-spirited than ever before. We hope perpetuates hate and gratuitous violence, and talk,
that rap artists who create this powerful music, talk, talk with one another in our schools, univer-
which is now exported around the globe, can be sities, churches, mosques, and community centers
persuaded to respond positively to critiques about about how we can move a more solution-oriented
its potentially negative impact on young people. gender debate into the public arena. We must con-
The historic hip-hop summit that took place in New tinue to dialogue with artists and producers of rap
York City in June of 2001 and brought together about creating more affirming, socially conscious
hip-hop artists with influential leaders, mostly messages. We must demand that songs with coun-
male, from many segments of the Black commu- termessages get more air time, such as BWP’s “NO
nity, was a welcome intervention. Organized by rap means NO!” and A Tribe Called Quest’s “Date
music mogul Russell Simmons (Rush Communi- Rape,” which assails acquaintance violence. We
cations/Def Jam Recordings), the summit partici- must address ways of countering the low self-esteem
pants included Kweisi Mfume (NAACP), Minister that plagues many of our young people to the point
Louis Farrakhan (Nation of Islam), Representative where they demean themselves with words and
Cynthia McKinney (Democrat-Georgia), schol- images as powerful as shackles, whips, and nooses.
ars Manning Marable, Cornel West, and Michael
Eric Dyson, as well as hip-hop artists such as Sean We must engage in active resistance to the
(Puffy) Combs (Bad Boy Records).6 Rap music more toxic aspects of hip-hop. At the annual
has the artistic space to accommodate competing NAACP conference in Houston, Texas, during the
and complementary views. But if the more posi- first week of July 2002, President Kweisi Mfume
tive, progressive voices are to be heard and have denounced “song lyrics [that] defame our struggle,
an impact, rap artists must gain greater control demean our ancestors, denigrate our women, and
over the production of their work and the dissemi- disrespect our culture.7 Of all the problems facing
nation of their messages. This is a challenge when Black America that he delineated—incarceration,
the mostly white, greedy corporate world controls breast cancer, prostate cancer, HIV/AIDS—his
the production and distribution processes with no reference to hip-hop received the most rousing
regard for promoting positive social values or heal- response from the audience, suggesting that many
ing the social rifts between Black men and women. Black people are fed up with certain aspects of this
music. It is imperative that we seriously consider
To be sure, the ultimate responsibility for shift- that the negative consequences of our young people
ing the language and images now pervasive in some being exposed to a steady stream of antisocial mes-
strands of rap music lies within Black communities. sages, pornographic images, and destructive behav-
Several African American leaders are committed to iors will continue to erode our communities from
continuing meeting with leading hip-hop producers within. And the ticking time bomb of corrosive
and superstar performers with hopes of persuading gender relations will inevitably explode in our faces.
them to use the power of their lyrics to commu-
nicate more positive, empowering messages. The In the October 2002 issue of Ebony, editor
most prominent leader to wage war on rap music Lerone Bennett Jr.’s hard-hitting article, “Sex and
while also calling for dialogue with rap artists has Music: Has It Gone Too Far?,” labels this sexually
been the Reverend Calvin Butts, pastor of Harlem’s explicit music “macho-macho,” and articulates the

Learning Gender 105

ways in which it is harmful to Black communities. & the clubs would be beautiful & smell good
& the music would never be too loud
He is also clear about what we must do: “We also but there would be free earplugs available anyway
& venues would have skylights and phat patios
need a new understanding—in the media, in the and shows would run all day not just late at night
cuz If women ran hip-hop we would have nothing
entertainment industry, in our churches, schools and
to be ashamed of
organizations—that popular songs are as important & there would be an African marketplace
with big shrines to Oya
as civil rights bills and that a society that pays pipers Yoruba deity of the female warrior & entrepreneur
and women would sell & barter & prosper
to corrupt its young and to defame its women and If women ran hip hop
there would never be shootings
mothers will soon discover that it has no civil rights cuz there would be onsite conflict mediators
to help you work through all that negativity &
to defend and no songs to sing” (150).
hostility
The power of words—and the attitudes they & there would also be free condoms & dental dams
in pretty baskets throughout the place
reflect—cannot be ignored. The hateful and as well as counselors to help you make the

harsh gender talk in too much of rap music and decision:
do I really want to have sex with him or her?
American popular culture must be addressed by & there would be safe, reliable, low-cost 24 hour

socially conscious women and men who deplore transportation home
& every venue would have on-site quality
violence and misogyny, and understand the dam-
child care
age it does within our communities and around where kids could sleep while grown folks danced
& all shows would be all ages
the world. [edited, 2003] cause the economy of hip-hop wouldn’t revolve

NOTES around the sale of alcohol
If women ran hip hop
1. Bruce Wade and Cynthia Thomas-Gunnar, “Explicit same gender-loving & transgender emcees
Rap Music Lyrics and Attitudes Toward Rape: The Per- would be proportionally represented
ceived Effects on African American College Students’ & get mad love from everybody
Attitudes,” Challenge: A Journal of Research on African & females would dress sexy if we wanted to
American Men (October 1993), 58.
celebrate our bodies
2. Michael Eric Dyson, Holler If You Hear Me (New York: but it wouldn’t be that important because
Basic Books, 2001). everyone would be paying attention to our minds,

3. William Eric Perkins, ed., Droppin’ Science: Critical anyway
Essays on Rap Music and Hip Hop Culture (Philadelphia: If women ran hip hop
Temple University Press, 1996), 24. men would be relieved because it’s so draining
to keep up that front of toughness & power
4. Leola Johnson, “Rap, Misogyny and Racism,” Radical
America 26, no. 3 (1992), p. 10. & control 24–7
If women ran hip hop
5. Kevin Powell, “Confessions of a Recovering Misogy- the only folks dancing in cages would be
nist,” Ms., April /May 2000, p. 77.
dogs & cats
6. See Kevin Chappell, “Hip-Hop at the Crossroads: Will from the local animal shelter
Lyrics and Perceptions Change?,” Ebony, September
2001, pp. 111–114.

7. The Honorable Kweisi Mfume, Keynote Address, 2002
NAACP Annual Convention, Houston, Texas, July
2002. Quoted in The Atlanta Journal-Constitution, July 9,
2002, p. A3.

r 29

If Women Ran Hip Hop

BY AYA DE LEON

If women ran hip hop
the beats & rhymes would be just as dope,
but there would never be a bad vibe when you

walked in the place

106 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

excited about getting adopted by pet lovers in the A misconception, a vast deception,
crowd Something’s got to change

If women ran hip-hop Now don’t be offended this is all my opinion
there would be social workers available to refer Ain’t nothing that I’m saying law
This is a true confession
gangsta rappers Of a life-learned lesson
to 21-day detox programs where they could get I was sent here to share with y’all
So get in when you fit in
clean & sober Go on and shine
from violence & misogyny
but best of all, if women ran hip hop Clear your mind
we would have the dopest female emcees ever Now’s the time
because all the young women afraid to bust Put your salt on the shelf
would unleash their brilliance on the world [2007] Go on and love yourself
’Cause everything’s gonna be alright
r 30
Keep your fancy drink, and your expensive minks
Video I don’t need that to have a good time
Keep your expensive cars and your caviar
INDIA.ARIE All’s I need is my guitar

Sometimes I shave my legs and sometimes I don’t Keep your Cristal and your pistol
Sometimes I comb my hair and sometimes I won’t I’d rather have a pretty piece of crystal
Depend on how the wind blows I might even paint Don’t need no silicone, I prefer my own
What God gave me is just fine.
my toes
It really just depends on whatever feels good in my

soul

I’m not the average girl from your video I’m not the average girl from your video
And I ain’t built like a supermodel
But I learned to love myself unconditionally, And I ain’t built like a supermodel
Because I am a queen
But I learned to love myself unconditionally,

Because I am a queen. [2001]

When I look in the mirror and the only one there r 31
is me
X: A Fabulous
Every freckle on my face is where it’s supposed Child’s Story
to be
LOIS GOULD
And I know my creator didn’t make no mistakes
on me

My feet, my thighs, my lips, my eyes, I’m loving
what I see

Am I less of a lady if I don’t wear pantyhose? Once upon a time, a baby named X was born. This
My momma said a lady ain’t what she wears but baby was named X so that nobody could tell whether
it was a boy or a girl. Its parents could tell, of course,
what she knows but they couldn’t tell anybody else. They couldn’t
But I’ve drawn the conclusion, it’s all an illusion even tell Baby X, at first.
Confusion’s the name of the game

Learning Gender 107

You see, it was all part of a very important Secret scientists knew perfectly well that a baby-sitter
Scientific Xperiment, known officially as Project would probably peek at X in the bathtub, too.
Baby X. The smartest scientists had set up this
Xperiment at a cost of Xactly 23 billion dollars and The day the Joneses brought their baby home,
72  cents, which might seem like a lot for just one lots of friends and relatives came over to see it.
baby, even a very important Xperimental baby. None of them knew about the secret Xperiment,
But when you remember the prices of things like though. So the first thing they asked was what kind
strained carrots and stuffed bunnies, and popcorn of a baby X was. When the Joneses smiled and
for the movies and booster shots for camp, let alone said, “It’s an X!” nobody knew what to say. They
28 shiny quarters from the tooth fairy, you begin to couldn’t say, “Look at her cute little dimples!” And
see how it adds up. they couldn’t say, “Look at his husky little biceps!”
And they couldn’t even say just plain “kitchy-coo.”
Also, long before Baby X was born, all those In fact, they all thought the Joneses were playing
scientists had to be paid to work out the details of some kind of rude joke.
the Xperiment, and to write the Official Instruction
Manual for Baby X’s parents and, most impor- But, of course, the Joneses were not joking.
tant of all, to find the right set of parents to bring “It’s an X” was absolutely all they would say. And
up Baby X. These parents had to be selected very that made the friends and relatives very angry.
carefully. Thousands of volunteers had to take The relatives all felt embarrassed about having an
thousands of  tests and answer thousands of tricky X in the family. “People will think there’s some-
questions. Almost everybody failed because, it thing wrong with it!” some of them whispered.
turned out, almost everybody really wanted either “There is something wrong with it!” others whis-
a baby boy or a baby girl, and not Baby X at all. pered back.
Also, almost everybody was afraid that a Baby X
would be a lot more trouble than a boy or a girl. “Nonsense!” the Joneses told them all cheer-
(They were probably right, the scientists admitted, fully. “What could possibly be wrong with this per-
but Baby X needed parents who wouldn’t mind the fectly adorable X?”
Xtra trouble.)
Nobody could answer that, except Baby X, who
There were families with grandparents named had just finished its bottle. Baby X’s answer was a
Milton and Agatha, who didn’t see why the baby loud, satisfied burp.
couldn’t be named Milton or Agatha instead of X,
even if it was an X. There were families with aunts Clearly, nothing at all was wrong. Nevertheless,
who insisted on knitting tiny dresses and uncles none of the relatives felt comfortable about buying
who insisted on sending tiny baseball mitts. Worst a present for a Baby X. The cousins who sent the
of all, there were families that already had other baby a tiny football helmet would not come and
children who couldn’t be trusted to keep the secret. visit any more. And the neighbors who sent a pink-
Certainly not if they knew the secret was worth flowered romper suit pulled their shades down
23 billion dollars and 72 cents—and all you had to when the Joneses passed their house.
do was take one little peek at Baby X in the bathtub
to know if it was a boy or a girl. The Official Instruction Manual had warned the
new parents that this would happen, so they didn’t
But, finally, the scientists found the Joneses, fret about it. Besides, they were too busy with Baby
who really wanted to raise an X more than any X and the hundreds of different Xercises for treat-
other kind of baby—no matter how much trouble ing it properly.
it would be. Ms. and Mr. Jones had to promise they
would take equal turns caring for X, and feeding Ms. and Mr. Jones had to be Xtra careful about
it, and singing it lullabies. And they had to prom- how they played with little X. They knew that if
ise never to hire any baby-sitters. The government they kept bouncing it up in the air and saying how
strong and active it was, they’d be treating it more
like a boy than an X. But if all they did was cuddle
it and kiss it and tell it how sweet and dainty it was,
they’d be treating it more like a girl than an X.

108 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

On page 1,654 of the Official Instruction Manual, Whenever the Joneses pushed Baby X’s stroller
the scientists prescribed: “plenty of bouncing and in the park, smiling strangers would come over and
plenty of cuddling, both. X ought to be strong and coo: “Is that a boy or a girl?” The Joneses would
sweet and active. Forget about dainty altogether.” smile back and say, “It’s an X.” The strangers
would stop smiling then, and often snarl something
Meanwhile, the Joneses were worrying about nasty—as if the Joneses had snarled at them.
other problems. Toys, for instance. And clothes. On
his first shopping trip, Mr. Jones told the store clerk, By the time X grew big enough to play with
“I need some clothes and toys for my new baby.” other children, the Joneses’ troubles had grown big-
The clerk smiled and said, “Well, now, is it a boy ger, too. Once a little girl grabbed X’s shovel in the
or a girl?” “It’s an X,” Mr. Jones said, smiling back. sandbox, and zonked X on the head with it. “Now,
But the clerk got all red in the face and said huff- now, Tracy,” the little girl’s mother began to scold,
ily, “In that case, I’m afraid I can’t help you, sir.” “little girls mustn’t hit little—” and she turned to
So Mr. Jones wandered helplessly up and down ask X, “Are you a little boy or a little girl, dear?”
the aisles trying to find what X needed. But every-
thing in the store was piled up in sections marked Mr. Jones, who was sitting near the sandbox,
“Boys”  or “Girls.” There were “Boys’ Pajamas” held his breath and crossed his fingers.
and “Girls’ Underwear” and “Boys’ Fire Engines”
and “Girls’ Housekeeping Sets.” Mr. Jones went X smiled politely at the lady, even though X’s
home without buying anything for X. That night he head had never been zonked so hard in its life. “I’m
and Ms. Jones consulted page 2,326 of the Official a little X,” X replied.
Instruction Manual. “Buy plenty of everything!” it
said firmly. “You’re a what?” the lady exclaimed angrily.
“You’re a little b-r-a-t, you mean!”
So they bought plenty of sturdy blue pajamas
in  the Boys’ Department and cheerful flowered “But little girls mustn’t hit little Xes, either!”
underwear in the Girls’ Department. And they said X, retrieving the shovel with another polite
bought all kinds of toys. A boy doll that made pee-pee smile. “What good does hitting do, anyway?”
and cried, “Pa-pa.” And a girl doll that talked in three
languages and said, “I am the Pres-i-dent of Gener- X’s father, who was still holding his breath,
al Mo-tors.” They also bought a storybook about a finally let it out, uncrossed his fingers, and grinned
brave princess who rescued a handsome prince from back at X.
his ivory tower, and another one about a sister and
brother who grew up to be a baseball star and a ballet And at their next secret Project Baby X meeting,
star, and you had to guess which was which. the scientists grinned, too. Baby X was doing fine.

The head scientists of Project Baby X checked But then it was time for X to start school. The
all their purchases and told them to keep up the Joneses were really worried about this, because
good work. They also reminded the Joneses to see school was even more full of rules for boys and girls,
page 4,629 of the Manual, where it said, “Never and there were no rules for Xes. The teacher would
make Baby X feel embarrassed or ashamed about tell boys to form one line, and girls to form another
what it wants to play with. And if X gets dirty line. There would be boys’ games and girls’ games,
climbing rocks, never say ‘Nice little Xes don’t get and boys’ secrets and girls’ secrets. The school
dirty climbing rocks.’” library would have a list of recommended books for
girls, and a different list of recommended books for
Likewise, it said, “If X falls down and cries, never boys. There would even be a bathroom marked BOYS
say ‘Brave little Xes don’t cry.’ Because, of course, and another one marked GIRLS. Pretty soon boys and
nice little Xes do get dirty, and brave little Xes do girls would hardly talk to each other. What would
cry. No matter how dirty X gets, or how hard it happen to poor little X?
cries, don’t worry. It’s all part of the Xperiment.”
The Joneses spent weeks consulting their
Instruction Manual (there were 2491⁄2 pages of
advice under “First Day of School”), and attending
urgent special conferences with the smart scientists
of Project Baby X.

Learning Gender 109

The scientists had to make sure that X’s mother After X told them that, the other children gave up
had taught X how to throw and catch a ball prop- guessing what X was. All they knew was they’d sure
erly, and that X’s father had been sure to teach X like to see X’s doll.
what to serve at a doll’s tea party. X had to know
how to shoot marbles and how to jump rope and, After school, X wanted to play with the other
most of all, what to say when the Other Children children. “How about shooting some baskets in the
asked whether X was a Boy or a Girl. gym?” X asked the girls. But all they did was make
faces and giggle behind X’s back.
Finally, X was ready. The Joneses helped X but-
ton on a nice new pair of red-and-white checked “How about weaving some baskets in the arts
overalls, and sharpened six pencils for X’s nice and crafts room?” X asked the boys. But they all
new pencilbox, and marked X’s name clearly on all made faces and giggled behind X’s back, too.
the books in its nice new bookbag. X brushed its
teeth and combed its hair, which just about cov- That night, Ms. and Mr. Jones asked X how
ered its ears, and remembered to put a napkin in its things had gone at school. X told them sadly that
lunchbox. the lessons were okay, but otherwise school was a
horrible place for an X. It seemed as if the Other
The Joneses had asked X’s teacher if the class Children would never want an X for a friend.
could line up alphabetically, instead of forming sep-
arate lines for boys and girls. And they had asked Once more, the Joneses reached for the Instruc-
if X could use the principal’s bathroom, because tion Manual. Under “Other Children,” they found
it wasn’t marked anything except BATHROOM. X’s the following message: “What did you Xpect? Other
teacher promised to take care of all those problems. Children have to obey all the silly boy-girl rules,
But nobody could help X with the biggest problem because their parents taught them to. Lucky X—you
of all—Other Children. don’t have to stick to the rules at all! All you have to
do is be yourself. P.S. We’re not saying it’ll be easy.”
Nobody in X’s class had ever known an X
before. What would they think? How would X make X liked being itself. But X cried a lot that night,
friends? partly because it felt afraid. So X’s father held
X  tight, and cuddled it, and couldn’t help crying
You couldn’t tell what X was by studying its a little, too. And X’s mother cheered them both up
clothes—overalls don’t even button right-to-left, like by reading an Xciting story about an enchanted
girls’ clothes, or left-to-right, like boys’ clothes. And prince called Sleeping Handsome, who woke up
you couldn’t guess whether X had a girl’s short hair- when Princess Charming kissed him.
cut or a boy’s long haircut. And it was very hard to
tell by the games X liked to play. Either X played ball The next morning, they all felt much better, and
very well for a girl or played house very well for a boy. little X went back to school with a brave smile and
a clean pair of red-and-white checked overalls.
Some of the children tried to find out by asking
X tricky questions, like “Who’s your favorite sports There was a seven-letter-word spelling bee in
star?” That was easy. X had two favorite sports class that day. And a seven-lap boys’ relay race in
stars: a girl jockey named Robyn Smith and a boy the gym. And a seven-layer-cake baking contest
archery champion named Robin Hood. Then they in the girls’ kitchen corner. X won the spelling bee.
asked, “What’s your favorite TV program?” And X also won the relay race. And X almost won the
that was even easier. X’s favorite TV program was baking contest, except it forgot to light the oven.
“Lassie,” which stars a girl dog played by a boy dog. Which only proves that nobody’s perfect.

When X said that its favorite toy was a doll, One of the Other Children noticed something
everyone decided that X must be a girl. But then X else, too. He said: “Winning or losing doesn’t seem
said that the doll was really a robot, and that X had to count to X. X seems to have fun being good at
computerized it, and that it was programmed to boys’ skills and girls’ skills.”
bake fudge brownies and then clean up the kitchen.
“Come to think of it,” said another one of the
Other Children, “maybe X is having twice as much
fun as we are!”

110 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

So after school that day, the girl who beat X at sent a report to the principal stating that X was a
the baking contest gave X a big slice of her prize- “disruptive influence.” They demanded immedi-
winning cake. And the boy X beat in the relay race ate action. The Joneses, they said, should be forced
asked X to race him home. to tell whether X was a boy or a girl. And then X
should be forced to behave like whichever it was. If
From then on, some really funny things began to the Joneses refused to tell, the Parents’ Association
happen. Susie, who sat next to X in class, suddenly said, then X must take an Xamination. The school
refused to wear pink dresses to school any more. psychiatrist must Xamine it physically and men-
She insisted on wearing red-and-white checked tally, and issue a full report. If X’s test showed it
overalls—just like X’s. Overalls, she told her par- was a boy, it would have to obey all the boys’ rules.
ents, were much better for climbing monkey bars. If it proved to be a girl, X would have to obey all
the girls’ rules.
Then Jim, the class football nut, started wheel-
ing his little sister’s doll carriage around the foot- And if X turned out to be some kind of mixed-
ball field. He’d put on his entire football uniform, up misfit, then X should be Xpelled from the
except for the helmet. Then he’d put the helmet school. Immediately!
in the carriage, lovingly tucked under an old set of
shoulder pads. Then he’d start jogging around the The principal was very upset. Disruptive influ-
field, pushing the carriage and singing “Rockabye ence? Mixed-up misfit? But X was an Xcellent stu-
Baby” to his football helmet. He told his family that dent. All the teachers said it was a delight to have
X did the same thing, so it must be okay. After all, X in their classes. X was president of the student
X was now the team’s star quarterback. council. X had won first prize in the talent show,
and second prize in the art show, and honorable
Susie’s parents were horrified by her behavior, mention in the science fair, and six athletic events
and Jim’s parents were worried sick about him. on field day, including the potato race.
But the worst came when the twins, Joe and Peggy,
decided to share everything with each other. Peggy Nevertheless, insisted the Parents’ Association, X
used Joe’s hockey skates, and his microscope, and is a Problem Child. X is the Biggest Problem Child
took half his newspaper route. Joe used Peggy’s we have ever seen!
needlepoint kit, and her cookbooks, and took two
of her three baby-sitting jobs. Peggy started run- So the principal reluctantly notified X’s parents
ning the lawn mower, and Joe started running the that numerous complaints about X’s behavior had
vacuum cleaner. come to the school’s attention. And that after the
psychiatrist’s Xamination, the school would decide
Their parents weren’t one bit pleased with Peg- what to do about X.
gy’s wonderful biology experiments, or with Joe’s
terrific needlepoint pillows. They didn’t care that The Joneses reported this at once to the sci-
Peggy mowed the lawn better, and that Joe vacu- entists, who referred them to page 85,759 of the
umed the carpet better. In fact, they were furious. Instruction Manual. “Sooner or later,” it said, “X
It’s all that little X’s fault, they agreed. Just because will have to be Xamined by a psychiatrist. This may
X doesn’t know what it is, or what it’s supposed be the only way any of us will know for sure whether
to be, it wants to get everybody else mixed up, too! X is mixed up—or whether everyone else is.”

Peggy and Joe were forbidden to play with X The night before X was to be Xamined, the
any more. So was Susie, and then Jim, and then all Joneses tried not to let X see how worried they
the Other Children. But it was too late; the Other were. “What if—?” Mr. Jones would say. And Ms.
Children stayed mixed up and happy and free, and Jones would reply, “No use worrying.” Then a few
refused to go back to the way they’d been before X. minutes later, Ms. Jones would say, “What if—?”
and Mr. Jones would reply, “No use worrying.”
Finally, Joe and Peggy’s parents decided to call
an emergency meeting of the school’s Parents’ X just smiled at them both, and hugged them hard
Association, to discuss “The X Problem.” They and didn’t say much of anything. X was thinking,
What if—? And then X thought: No use worrying.

Learning Gender 111

At Xactly nine o’clock the next day, X reported “Young Sssh here, I mean young X,” said the
to the school psychiatrist’s office. The principal, doctor, frowning, “is just about—”
along with a committee from the Parents’ Associa-
tion, X’s teacher, X’s classmates, and Ms. and Mr. “Just about what? Let’s have it!” shouted another
Jones, waited in the hall outside. Nobody knew the parent. “. . . just about the least mixed-up child I’ve
details of the tests X was to be given, but everybody ever Xamined!” said the psychiatrist.
knew they’d be very hard, and that they’d reveal
Xactly what everyone wanted to know about X, but “Yay for X!” yelled one of the children. And
were afraid to ask. then the others began yelling, too. Clapping and
cheering and jumping up and down.
It was terribly quiet in the hall. Almost spooky.
Once in a while, they would hear a strange noise “SSSH!” SSShed the principal, but nobody did.
inside the room. There were buzzes. And a beep or The Parents’ Committee was angry and bewil-
two. And several bells. An occasional light would dered. How could X have passed the whole Xami-
flash under the door. The Joneses thought it was nation? Didn’t X have an identity problem? Wasn’t
a white light, but the principal thought it was blue. X mixed up at all? Wasn’t X any kind of a misfit?
Two or three children swore it was either yellow How could it not be, when it didn’t even know what
or green. And the Parents’ Committee missed it it was? And why was the psychiatrist crying?
completely. Actually, he had stopped crying and was smiling
politely through his tears. “Don’t you see?” he said.
Through it all, you could hear the psychiatrist’s “I’m crying because it’s wonderful! X has abso-
low voice, asking hundreds of questions, and X’s lutely no identity problem! X isn’t one bit mixed-
higher voice, answering hundreds of answers. up! As for being a misfit—ridiculous! X knows
perfectly well what it is! Don’t you, X?” The doctor
The whole thing took so long that everyone winked. X winked back.
knew it must be the most complete Xamination “But what is X?” shrieked Peggy and Joe’s par-
anyone had ever had to take. Poor X, the Joneses ents. “We still want to know what it is!”
thought. Serves X right, the Parents’ Committee “Ah, yes,” said the doctor, winking again. “Well,
thought. I wouldn’t like to be in X’s overalls right don’t worry. You’ll all know one of these days. And
now, the children thought. you won’t need me to tell you.”
“What? What does he mean?” some of the par-
At last, the door opened. Everyone crowded ents grumbled suspiciously.
around to hear the results. X didn’t look any dif- Susie and Peggy and Joe all answered at once.
ferent; in fact, X was smiling. But the psychiatrist “He means that by the time X’s sex matters, it
looked terrible. He looked as if he was crying! won’t be a secret any more!”
“What happened?” everyone began shouting. Had With that, the doctor began to push through the
X done something disgraceful? “I wouldn’t be a bit crowd toward X’s parents. “How do you do,” he
surprised!” muttered Peggy and Joe’s parents. “Did said, somewhat stiffly. And then he reached out to
X flunk the whole test?” cried Susie’s parents. “Or hug them both. “If I ever have an X of my own,”
just the most important part?” yelled Jim’s parents. he whispered, “I sure hope you’ll lend me your
“Oh, dear,” sighed Mr. Jones. instruction manual.”
Needless to say, the Joneses were very happy.
“Oh, dear,” sighed Ms. Jones. The Project Baby X scientists were rather pleased,
“Sssh,” ssshed the principal. “The psychiatrist is too. So were Susie, Jim, Peggy, Joe, and all the
trying to speak.” Other Children. The Parents’ Association wasn’t,
Wiping his eyes and clearing his throat, the but they had promised to accept the psychiatrist’s
psychiatrist began, in a hoarse whisper. “In my report, and not make any more trouble. They even
opinion,” he whispered—you could tell he must be invited Ms. and Mr. Jones to become honorary
very upset—“in my opinion, young X here—” members, which they did.
“Yes? Yes?” shouted a parent impatiently.
“Sssh!” ssshed the principal.

112 CHAPTER II: BECOMING A WOMAN IN OUR SOCIETY

Later that day, all X’s friends put on their red- see the world completely different from what is as
and-white checked overalls and went over to see X. ingrained in us as responding to our own names.
They found X in the backyard, playing with a very And that’s scary . . . you bet it’s scary.”
tiny baby that none of them had ever seen before.
The baby was wearing very tiny red-and-white I think the most frustrating part for me and
checked overalls. probably the scariest for you is that I can’t clearly
explain the “why.” I can tell you this change feels
“How do you like our new baby?” X asked the right, and for me, this is enough. But I fear that
Other Children proudly. by my using masculine pronouns and keeping the
name Barb, I will confuse the issue for you and
“It’s got cute dimples,” said Jim. make life harder for others who identify as trans-
“It’s got husky biceps, too,” said Susie. gendered. I know human instinct is to try to group
“What kind of baby is it?” asked Joe and Peggy. like people together, but like so much of life, two
X frowned at them. “Can’t you tell?” Then X people who appear to be alike on the outside may
broke into a big, mischievous grin. “It’s a Y!” [1972] be entirely different. For this reason I want to say
clearly that I am speaking only about my experi-
r 32 ence and no one else’s. I’ve found the most com-
fortable combination I can imagine for myself but
Courage from Necessity there are many people, transgendered and not, who
will make other choices.
MR. BARB GREVE
I choose to keep the name Barb because it has
“Are you going to change your name?” he asked. great significance to me. I was named Barbara
“No,” I responded. because my adoptive mother always wanted the
“I admire your courage.” name for herself. The meaning used in our fam-
I knew he meant it as a compliment, but I had ily is “stranger in a foreign land.” As an adoptee,
I can’t think of any name with a more appropriate
a hard time accepting it as such until a friend of meaning. While I have tailored the original name to
mine reminded me that sometimes courage is born fit my personality, I still consider it a precious gift
of necessity. That is certainly the case here. “Cour- from my parents.
age” is the last word I would have used to describe
my actions. My father asked me if I was intentionally trying
to confuse people by keeping my name. The simple
My decision to ask people to use masculine pro- answer is no. But I’ve come to the realization that in
nouns in reference to me comes from a feeling of order for me to be comfortable with myself, I may
need. I need to be honest about my whole self and need to confuse others. Many people have asked
am not willing to put part of me aside to make oth- me why I can’t just identify as a butch woman since
ers feel comfortable. I realize this will challenge and that is what I am . . . really. But they fail to realize
scare a lot of people and that it already has. I don’t understand myself to be a woman. When I
was younger, I thought I was really a boy and some
As a friend so aptly wrote after I told hir about mistake had been made with my body. Ever since
my pronoun change, “I have to admit, I felt kind of kindergarten I’ve understood that I would grow up
unsettled by this news when I was thinking about it to be a guy.
last night. I thought about it a lot, actually. I came
to the conclusion that it feels this way because it’s When I hit puberty in junior high, I discovered
kind of scary. I mean, before, your transgenderism I was attracted to girls. One day a girl in my class
seemed like a totally internal thing. Now you’re called me a lesbian. I went home from school that
challenging the rest of us to completely change day and looked up the word in the dictionary to
our mindsets, to step outside our safe boxes and discover it meant “women who love women.” I
decided this must be who I am. After all, I had the

Learning Gender 113

same type of body the other girls in my class had, accepted their standards of behavior as my own. As
so I must have just gotten confused somewhere
along the line. I grew older, I discovered some of the limitations I

I came out publicly as a lesbian in college. My had put on my behavior were uncomfortable. I then
friends encouraged me to join women-only meet-
ings. They thought I would enjoy being in women- began to look to the women in my life for help. But I
only spaces more than hanging out with the guys.
I tried hard to find my place during those years. I ran into the same types of problems. I realize I wasn’t
surrounded myself with all types of women, many
who were working to redefine women’s roles in comfortable expressing my gender as either one.
the world. Yet the more I hung out with them, the
less I felt I belonged. Other than our attraction to Most people think gender expression is the same
women, we had very little in common.
as gender identity, but for me, it isn’t. My under-
I’ve since learned that gender is not as simple
as biological sex (which can be altered); nor can standing of my gender identity is the same today as
we simplify and limit gender’s definition to social
constructs. I believe gender to be a combination it was 20 years ago. The differences between then
between biology and social roles. We all choose to
express our gender in different ways—our styles and now are (1) the words I use to describe myself
of dress, how we show emotions, what hobbies we
enjoy, and who we hang out with are just some of and (2) the way they express my identity. As a child
them. For some people, this means limiting how
they are in the world; for others, it means challeng- I never heard the word “transgender.” No one ever
ing stereotypes.
told me it was OK to identify as something other
I struggled with my gender for years. I wanted
more than anything to blend in and fit a stereo- than male or female. Alone, I struggled with how to
type. My only problem was, I couldn’t find one. I
looked to the men in my life to be my role models. I describe what I knew inside was a truth: I was not

going to grow up to be either a man or a woman. I

had already spent many years trying to make myself

into one or the other and had been unsuccessful.

Society’s need to make gender one or the other sac-

rifices the life experiences of people like me. We are

forced to choose between a man and a woman. For

me, this would mean denying a large part of who I

am. My journey is not about transitioning into one of

the two acceptable genders. It is not about making a

political statement. My journey is about becoming a

whole person. It is about being the best person I can

be: a transgendered guy named Barb. [2002]