IF ONLY I’D KNOWN! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth CHELSEY BROOKE COLE, LPC-MHSP, CPTT, RPT
PRAISE FOR IF ONLY I’D KNOWN! “Chelsey is able to describe exactly what I went through and what others have endured in a concise way. It is so important for mental health professionals to shine a light on this insidious form of domestic violence so that our clients, readers, and followers can get the validation and support that they so desperately need. She is an advocate for trauma survivors and her writing will help so many people to become empowered and heal.” –Vanessa Reiser, LCSW, Narcissistic/Cult Abuse Expert “Chelsey Cole's book on narcissistic abuse is an exceptional and empathetic guide, offering deep insights and compassion for those on a journey of understanding and healing. With a profound understanding of the subject matter and personal experiences to draw from, Cole's perspective is both enlightening and empowering. The author effortlessly breaks down complex concepts, making them accessible and relatable to survivors who are grappling with the aftermath of narcissistic abuse. For anyone in search of clarity, healing, and a renewed sense of hope, this book is an absolute must-read.” –Tracy Malone, Author, Founder of NarcissistAbuseSupport.com, International Coach, and Speaker “I’ve always considered myself to be a bold, confident, high achiever. But my experience with narcissistic abuse in a personal relationship shook me to my core. It crushed my spirit and broke my heart. Narcissistic abuse affected every aspect of my inner life, and I felt stuck. Chelsey’s insights were such a gift to me, offering clarity, affirmation, and mindsets for recovery and healing. As I read her words, I often felt like she was reading my mind and speaking directly to the abuse I had gone through. I’m grateful to Chelsey and will certainly be sharing this book with others. Highly recommended!” – Brett Culp, Acclaimed Documentary Filmmaker & Speaker “People dealing with this kind of insidious abuse often feel completely alone. Chelsey explains what's happening and why, adding a deep dose of comfort. Thanks for an excellent resource, and we will surely be recommending this book to our community!”—Lisa Johnson and Chris Barry, High-Conflict Divorce Coaches and Authors of Been There Got Out “If you’re a quiet overthinker with a kind heart who struggles to set healthy boundaries, then you can be taken advantage of by a narcissist. Your caring heart and willingness to see the good in people are gifts that need protection. To protect yourself from toxic people, you need to do two things: educate yourself on narcissists, and set authentic, sustainable boundaries. And that's exactly what Chelsey teaches you to do. Any introvert who's experienced narcissistic abuse or toxic relationships needs to read this book.” –Matthew Pollard, Bestselling Author of The Introvert's Edge series “Chelsey is able to put into words what every narcissistic abuse survivor feels. She gives voice to those who don't know how to say what they've been through. She is a true advocate for trauma survivors of all kinds, including those harmed by romantic partners, parents, siblings, and friends.” –Tracy Fields, BSW, MSW, Therapist and Speaker “This book is a survivor manual for narcissistic abuse survivors. Chelsey clearly and relatably explains not only how to understand narcissists, but also how to heal from manipulative and abusive relationships. This book is so much more than an explanation of narcissistic behaviors—it’s a lifeboat that will take you to a place of healing, empowerment, and total
transformation.” –Steve Friedman, Award-Winning Author of The Corporate Introvert: How to Lead and Thrive with Confidence “Early in my career—when working as an administrative assistant in Hollywood—I had the misfortune of reporting to one horrible boss after another. With only a few exceptions, most of these managers were tyrannical, arrogant, egomaniacal, abusive bullies who inflated their own egos and status by manipulating, lying to, gaslighting, belittling, intimidating, and threatening those around and beneath them. And the toxic cultures of many of these entertainment industry companies appeared to deem these abhorrent behaviors to be totally acceptable. In fact, the trauma of these early career work experiences (which I’ve since labeled as “PTBD”or “Post-Traumatic Boss Disorder” as the memories and some of the pain still lingers) is what eventually led to my becoming an executive coach and leadership professor. What I did not truly realize—until reading Chelsey Brooke Cole’s insightful and inspirational new book—is that these awful bosses were all narcissists. As the title of this wonderful piece of work states, “If Only I’d Known” that how I was being treated was entirely unacceptable, emotionally unhealthy, not my fault, and completely not normal, I might have been better able to identify, understand, and navigate some of these difficult and painful situations, and more quickly and successfully regain my selfworth and reclaim my power. This book is a must-read for anyone who is dealing with a narcissist in either their personal or professional life, as it will not only help you to recognize, define, and validate your experience, but—with the help of Chelsey’s understanding, empathetic, and compassionate style—will provide you with a variety of ways to deal with your situation and take greater ownership of your life.” –Todd Cherches, CEO of BigBlueGumball and Author of VisuaLeadership: Leveraging the Power of Visual Thinking in Leadership and in Life
IF ONLY I’D KNOWN! How to Outsmart Narcissists, Set Guilt-Free Boundaries, and Create Unshakeable Self-Worth Copyright © 2023 Chelsey Brooke Cole, LPC-MHSP, CPTT, RPT All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced or used in any manner without the prior written permission of the copyright owner, except for the use of brief quotations in a book review. The information in this book was correct at the time of publication, but the author does not assume any liability for loss or damage caused by errors or omissions. To maintain the anonymity of the individuals involved, some details or identifying information has been changed. The content of this book is for informational purposes only and is not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any condition or disease. You understand that this book is not intended as a substitute for consultation with a licensed practitioner. Please consult with your own physician or healthcare specialist regarding the suggestions and recommendations made in this book. The use of this book implies your acceptance of this disclaimer. Library of Congress Control Number: 2023909472 Paperback ISBN 979-8-9884097-0-0 Hardcover ISBN 979-8-9884097-1-7 Ebook ISBN 979-8-9884097-2-4 Audiobook ISBN 979-8-9884097-3-1 Editor: George Verongos Cover design: Matt Hall and George Verongos Author photograph: Cassie Adkins Book cover artist: Stacey Lee 1st edition, August 2023 Printed in the United States of America 10 9 8 7 6 5 4 3 2 1
CONTENTS PREFACE PART ONE THE INNER WORKINGS OF A NARCISSIST CHAPTER ONE – WHY YOU’RE HERE CHAPTER TWO – NARCISSIST: FROM BUZZWORD TO BETRAYER CHAPTER THREE – THE LOOK AND FEEL OF NARCISSISTS: RECOGNIZING SIX DIFFERENT TYPES CHAPTER FOUR – THE NARCISSISTIC CYCLE OF ABUSE: IDEALIZE, DEVALUE, DISCARD, HOOVER CHAPTER FIVE – NARCISSISTIC LOVE BOMBING: HOW DIFFERENT TYPES DO IT CHAPTER SIX – NARCISSISTIC ABUSE: UNCOVERING THE LAYERS OF DECEPTION AND CHAOS PART TWO FINDING YOURSELF CHAPTER SEVEN – AM I BEING ABUSED? HOW YOUR BODY WARNS YOU OF TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS CHAPTER EIGHT – THE BINDING NATURE OF NARCISSISTIC RELATIONSHIPS: DEMYSTIFYING THE TRAUMA BOND CHAPTER NINE – REPARENTING YOURSELF: WHY YOUR INNER CHILD STILL NEEDS YOU
CHAPTER TEN – BOUNDARIES: YOUR MOST POWERFUL PROTECTION STRATEGY PART THREE HEALING YOUR PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE CHAPTER ELEVEN – HEALING: MINDSET SHIFTS YOU NEED TO MAKE CHAPTER TWELVE – BLOCKS TO HEALING: THE MOST COMMON REASONS YOU STAY STUCK CHAPTER THIRTEEN – POST-TRAUMATIC GROWTH: THE PATH TO LASTING FREEDOM A PERSONAL NOTE TO YOU WHAT CLIENTS AND READERS SAY ABOUT CHELSEY RESOURCES ABOUT THE AUTHOR ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS REFERENCES
PREFACE “I can’t believe I’m in this situation again.” “Why do I keep doing this to myself?” “I’ll never be good enough.” These thoughts frantically raced through my mind as I tried to make sense of my life and my choices. This wasn’t the first time I had been betrayed, lied to, and hurt, which made my self-blame even louder. I cried in my car and internally screamed, “I should’ve known better … honestly, I’m a therapist!” But these silent criticisms didn’t make me feel any better. In fact, they only made me feel worse. First, because self-blame is completely unproductive. And second, because the person I was with at the time was more than willing to let me take the blame for everything. Which meant anytime I took personal responsibility, they used it as “proof” that I was the one causing the problems all along. They told me that if I were more patient, they wouldn’t be so defensive; that if I were more affectionate, they wouldn’t have to wander; that if I weren’t so difficult, they wouldn’t have to rage at me. And for years, I accepted these manipulations as truths. I bought into the idea that if I could be perfect, I could be loved. And based on my childhood, this felt familiar … expected … normal. As if perpetually trying to earn someone’s love, attention, and loyalty was what everyone was doing. I made a lot of excuses for people back then. I mean a lot. I equated giving second chances with loving someone. I confused tolerating abuse with being loyal. I mistook people-pleasing for being empathetic. I allowed all my genuinely good qualities to be twisted and used against me. Back then, I didn’t have a name for what I was experiencing. I didn’t know that some people understood what you needed, they just didn’t care. I didn’t accept that some people genuinely don’t want to be better. I didn’t realize that some people only care about you to the extent that they can use you. And that when they’re done with you, they will throw you out of their life like they throw out the garbage. Being treated like you’re disposable hurts. But I had to learn that others’ poor treatment of me didn’t have to turn into my own poor treatment of myself. I had to learn not to allow others to tell me who I should be. I had to learn to trust my intuition even when I didn’t have all the answers. I had to learn to listen to my own voice because I was the one who had to live with the consequences. Years of feeling broken led me to eventually break. But from that broken place, I put the pieces back together in a way that felt genuine, authentic, and secure. I didn’t build my new sense of self on what others thought of me. I didn’t look to others to define me. I realized that the instruction manual for building me couldn’t be found outside of me. So, I built a new me. And she’s stronger than she ever was before. This book was created out of my pain, which turned into my purpose. After years of experiencing narcissistic abuse, healing from it, and helping so many others do the same, I wanted to create a tangible roadmap for anyone who is dealing with or has dealt with the effects of narcissistic abuse.
My hope is that you take this book’s contents and make it your own. That you take what resonates and leave the rest. That you learn to appreciate your strengths, have compassion for your vulnerabilities, and build your sense of self on solid ground. In preparation for this book, I collected stories from over four hundred narcissistic abuse survivors and sourced information from peer-reviewed articles, books, online forums, case studies, and my own community of over thirty thousand narcissistic abuse survivors. As a licensed psychotherapist and certified partner trauma therapist, I’ve spent thousands of clinical hours helping people understand and heal from narcissistic abuse and relationship trauma. All these resources and experiences were reviewed, written, and revised to create a comprehensive and therapeutically sound guide for your healing journey. I hope you find this book validating, empowering, and refreshing to your heart. You deserve to feel seen, understood, cared for, and loved. I pray these pages help you feel those things and positively impact the way you see yourself, others, and the world forever. Warmly,
PART ONE THE INNER WORKINGS OF A NARCISSIST
CHAPTER ONE – WHY YOU’RE HERE “I constantly ask myself: How did I end up with someone like him? How did I not see?” –Beth If you’re reading this, there’s a good chance you’ve been personally impacted by at least one narcissist in your life. Maybe the narcissist was your critical parent, unfaithful partner, attention-grabbing sibling, or backstabbing friend. Maybe the narcissist was your cold and emotionally distant mother, your triangulating co-worker, your unrelenting boss, or your exceptionally grandiose father. And chances are, no matter who the narcissist was (or is) in your life, you felt the sting and fear of never being good enough. Feeling not enough is the mantra for narcissistic relationships. They leave you feeling broken, depressed, anxious, hypervigilant, foggy, stuck, and bruised to your soul. They extract the goodness from your heart, the light out of your world, and the belief in anything good. They make you question yourself, doubt your reality, second-guess every decision, and ruminate over every interaction and conversation. They make you lose … you. And feeling as if your identity, your very core, has been slowly and silently smashed into a thousand pieces is heartbreaking, gut-wrenching, and devastating. You wonder… “How did I get here?” “What am I supposed to do now?” “Who am I?” “Where do I start?” “Will I ever feel like ‘me’ again?” “What do I even want or need?” If you can relate, let me reassure you: these questions are completely normal! And as hopeless, confused, regretful, and scared as you might be, please hear me when I say … there is a way out. A way to get back to being you. A way to find yourself, maybe even for the very first time.
Whatever your story, let me take a moment to welcome you to this book. You’re not here by accident. You kept asking, seeking, and knocking until you came to this place. You were meant to be here, in this moment, reading this book right now. I believe that when we’re ready, what we’re looking for finds us. And I’m so glad we found each other. On this road to healing, we have several important sites to see. This book is divided into three parts. The first part focuses on helping you gain a clear picture of what a narcissist looks like in all its forms (we’ll cover six types of narcissists) and understand the narcissistic relationship. The second part is about helping you reflect on how you got here (including demystifying the ever-elusive trauma bond) and the life experiences that shaped your beliefs about yourself, others, and the world. The third part provides must-have insights and practical strategies for lasting growth. If you felt like you had a strong sense of self before the narcissistic relationship but are struggling to rediscover yourself again, you’ll find the strategies in this section refreshing and inspiring. And if you feel like you’ve always struggled to know yourself or that you get lost in helping others or people-pleasing, you’ll resonate with the sensitive and empowering strategies found in this section. Your healing journey includes: PART ONE: THE INNER WORKINGS OF A NARCISSIST Chapter 1 – Why You’re Here Chapter 2 – Narcissist: From Buzzword to Betrayer Chapter 3 – The Look and Feel of Narcissists: Recognizing Six Different Types Chapter 4 – The Narcissistic Cycle of Abuse: Idealize, Devalue, Discard, Hoover Chapter 5 – Narcissistic Love Bombing: How Different Types Do It Chapter 6 – Narcissistic Abuse: Uncovering the Layers of Deception and Chaos PART TWO: FINDING YOURSELF Chapter 7 – Am I Being Abused? How Your Body Warns You of Toxic Relationships Chapter 8 – The Binding Nature of Narcissistic Relationships: Demystifying the Trauma Bond Chapter 9 – Reparenting Yourself: Why Your Inner Child Still Needs You Chapter 10 – Boundaries: Your Most Powerful Protection Strategy PART THREE: HEALING YOUR PAST, PRESENT, AND FUTURE Chapter 11 – Healing: Mindset Shifts You Need to Make
Chapter 12 – Blocks to Healing: The Most Common Reasons You Stay Stuck Chapter 13 – Post-Traumatic Growth: The Path to Lasting Freedom Although the focus of this book is primarily on helping you heal from intimate relationships with narcissists, the explanations and strategies apply to any narcissistic relationship (i.e., friendship, work relationship, family relationship, etc.). Throughout this book, you’ll find stories from narcissistic abuse survivors who share their experiences with narcissistic parents, siblings, partners, bosses, etc. This book also provides several real-world examples so you can get a clear picture of what each type of narcissist looks and feels like. Whether you were completely blindsided by your toxic relationship, have experienced several narcissistic relationships, or just want to protect yourself from ever getting into these relationships, this book is for you. Narcissistic relationships steal your time and peace of mind and leave you feeling like a shell of a person. Narcissists have stolen enough. Stop putting your hope in them. It’s your turn to grieve, grow, and heal. Narcissists might’ve stolen your past, and they might even be trying to steal your present. Don’t let them steal your future too. That belongs to you! Let’s get started building it.