Womankind

Portraits 51 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

Every weekend, I go to the north to meet my friends, be affordable. So it will need to be crappy and far away
they’re photographers, a lot of the guys are DJs, graphic for me to afford it, otherwise it’s not a possibility. I think
designers, and artists, it’s a bit of a mix. We go to restau- it would be nice to have a crappy space and then turn it
rants and bars. For one-and-a-half years, it’s only been into something nice. It would be nice to work on it and
north - it’s a bit of an effort to get there, to take the ferry to really turn it into something.
and bike, particularly when it is rainy and windy. I never
meet my friends here in Amsterdam anymore. I’m in a gallery now, and the gallerist is selling my
work. It’s a nice gallery, but it’s also a bit of a hard sale.
I had a long relationship with my boyfriend of nine I joined her a year ago, and she does sell stuff, but it’s
years, but we broke up. And then I had another relation- not like I can completely live from it. But it’s also been a
ship for one-and-a-half years, and a year ago we broke weird year for her, like the gallery was closed for half the
up. And now, nobody. I am not seeing anyone at the time and the ferries were not going. So, I think we’ll have
moment. It has been weird with COVID. I mean, it’s not to see what’s going to happen this coming year for sales.
the best time to be single. But I’m lucky that I have a lot
of single friends. We’re all in our mid-30s, single without I’m doing a project now for a music festival, a big
kids. But of course, I hope for somebody. installation outside. And I would like to do more of this
kind of thing, public space things, and not always gal-
I would really like to buy, build, or renovate a house lery stuff. The festival had an open call for art in a pub-
in the countryside. I would like to have a studio, like a lic space that will take place during the festival in 2022.
big workshop, and a house. It doesn’t have to be a big I just had to propose an idea. They liked my idea. It’s
house, but near nature. But I’m not at the age yet to live still far away, but it needs a lot of preparation.
in the countryside - maybe with a boyfriend or a partner,
but I’m not going to do it alone. Maybe one day I’ll do I sold a big work last year to an architect. They
it alone, but at the moment I’m happy here. I don’t re- bought it for their offices, and I went there to install
ally have too many choices for a house either. It has to it. It’s nice to see things come together. I really saw my
work. And I sold a really big work to a woman who had

LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM 52 Portraits

this super-high ceiling, like five-and-a-half metres high.
She came to my studio, and told me what she liked,
and then we made it. I didn’t have works in that size,
so I had to kind of make it on-demand. You can’t really
hang a small work on a drop of five and a half metres. It
was a huge space so it really needed a big artwork.

My prices have gone up a bit since I went to the
gallery because I have to share the profit with my gal-
lerist. The biggest challenge is that I do all these tech-
niques, and so it can be a bit hard to focus, to stay
on one thing. I always touch a lot of stuff, and then I
don’t often finish it. I get bored easily. Last summer, a
girl who studied at the Rietveld came one day a week
to help me. It’s like super stupid work sometimes - cut-
ting a chain in one size for hours and then connecting
it. Everybody can do it. I can do it really fast, but eve-
rybody can do it. But there’s other stuff people can’t do
because I’m just in the process, and I don’t really know
what I am going to do. Because it’s only at the point
where you really know what to do, that somebody can
help. A lot of times I don’t know what to do. But it
was nice to have some company.

Portraits 53 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

I like the freedom of my work, and I like to create. I and designers. We share the same front door, but we don’t
wouldn’t have another profession. Maybe I will do some- have coffee together. It’s not really that social. There’s an
thing else with my work, but I would still like to do this. exhibition space, and sometimes there are exhibitions,
Be an artist. That’s still the dream. But it’s not always and we have drinks, but it’s not a community.
fun, because you work alone all the time. And you have
to answer all of the questions in your mind, alone, the My biggest fear is that I’m going to fail in what I
whole time. That’s sometimes a bit hard, and it can be am doing, that it’s never going to work. It’s insecuri-
frustrating. But I couldn’t think of doing anything else. ty around work. I mean, you must work hard but you
Still, some days I really like it, other days I’m really frus- also have to be lucky to become successful. And then
trated and I’m like, “I need a job. I need a proper job. I sometimes I’m doubting like, “Is this going to happen?
just want to work from nine to five and have structure.” When? Or am I going to end up alone in my studio with
I sometimes work on the weekend, sometimes I don’t a lot of work and nobody wants to buy it?” Those kind
work. Sometimes I work way too much. of thoughts are there sometimes.

I’m happy with what I’m doing, and I like to be in my But other times, when I am at work, and I am mak-
studio. I don’t work every day, because I also work for an ing something or trying something out, and it just
artist two days a week. So I work for him two days a week comes together, and it works, I’m like, “Yes.” It really
and the rest of the time I go to my studio; plus weekends feels like a success. That’s a real feeling of happiness.
if I’m busy or if I’m preparing for an exhibition. It depends But I always like work that has some kind of craft to
on how busy I am. I’m not a person who likes to sit at it, or some kind of technique behind it. I’m not into
home - I don’t know what to do at home, I never work conceptual stuff that you that have to read first at a
when I am at home. My studio is in a shared building, museum, like two pages before you understand it. I’m
but I have my own studio - there are 40 studios, all artists, not really into all this deep meaning. My style is very
minimal. It’s timeless, it’s not like on trend or anything,

LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM 54 Portraits

and it’s not yelling for attention. What’s important for What’s also important
me is that it’s never just a thing on the wall; what’s also is the light and move-
important is the light and movement. It’s not a static ment. It’s not a static
thing, it’s a movement, it’s changed by light. That’s what thing, it’s a movement,
I like about metal - reflections, and movement. I’m al- it’s changed by light.
ways looking for movement and light in my work.
That’s what I like
I always work with chains, and I work with alumin- about metal - reflec-
ium sheets and casts, so I’m switching between them. I tions, and movement.
did chain works for a while, and now I want to go back
to casting aluminium. But it’s always been the chain
works - I really like doing that. But you can’t do it the
whole time because it’s super hand labour, and it gets
boring. So I like to be able to switch between mediums.
The sheets are faster to work with.

Last winter I stayed in this artist-in-residence in the
east of Holland. It was in a bronze casting workshop. I
learnt how to make moulds, and how to cast metal. They
work in bronze, but I did it in aluminium. And now I
want to buy a small oven for myself and experiment in
my studio with casting, heating up the metal and then
making new shapes with it.

Portraits 55 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

56

Sara Mulder

Portraits 57 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

Sara Mulder cares for a family of seven children, on a
farm outside of Amsterdam, and four of her children
form part of her foster home.

Wo r d s
SARA MULDER

Interview & Photography
MADELEINE BOLLE

Subjects in photographs
SARA MULDER WITH HER
DAU G H T E R E VA

I have started a foster home with my husband. We four, we moved to Doetinchem. My father got a job as
have seven children. head of a department at a big juvenile centre. After a
while, we moved to a bigger house because my parents
The youngest is a foster child, then we have our had more children. I had a neighbour, a girl my own
own biological daughter, Eva, and then three foster age, and her parents were also in youth care. She was
children at primary school. Benno [my partner] has my best friend. But she also had two foster brothers. I
two children of his own, so my stepchildren, 9 and 13, was there every day, I loved it there. And then ten years
live here half the time. And the foster kids live here later we moved to Zwolle. We moved a lot.
full-time; except one, who also spends time with his
previous foster parents. I come from a big Christian family. I am the oldest
girl. I have an older brother, three younger brothers and
I was born in Groningen. My parents were both in one younger sister, so there are six of us. When I was
youth care, so I think that’s a part of why we are doing young, my parents were quite strict Protestants. We had
this now. My mother did a Bachelor’s in Social Work. to go to church two times every Sunday. I had a Sunday
She worked with children who were in juvenile institu- dress, which I only wore on Sundays to church. This
tions. My father did the same, but then he did a Master’s had a big impact on my youth, and on my life, up until
in Social Science. They met long before that, in high I was about 28. Because when you grow up in a Chris-
school, but then they went into the same kind of work. tian environment - I also went to a primary school and
My father was also the one who had to write all the high school from our faith - everyone around me was
programs for the youth. He had to make choices about the same, thought the same, and believed in the same
their treatments, and he had to go to court. When I was

LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM 58 Portraits

things. I was not really an easy kid, but also not really an
easy teenager. I was always looking around me, like, what is
new or what is different? I wanted to explore. When I was
18, I really wanted to live somewhere else. I really wanted
to get out of the house. So, I choose Groningen, and I stud-
ied art history, which was a really strange choice. We never
went to museums or anything. But I was just like, “I like
this. It’s something different.” Also, it was something that
my parents never thought I would do. I studied a Bachelor’s
in Art History in Groningen, and afterwards I decided to
travel to think about what I wanted to do next. I wasn’t sure
if I wanted to do a Masters in Art History or not. So I went
to Nepal and India, and I was so intrigued by the people and
the religion that I decided to do another Bachelor’s, but in
Religious Studies. So, I did another Bachelor’s in Religious
Studies in Nijmegen, and later a Masters in Religious Stud-
ies in Amsterdam.

I had a relationship with someone who was pretty well
an atheist. We lived together in Amsterdam. I think it last-
ed about four or five years. But it was to show my parents,
“I’m not living your life and I’m not doing it your way.” That
was something that my parents found difficult, because I
started living with him when I was 24 in Amsterdam, and
they said, “This is not a good choice. We want something
different for you.” Then my mother sent me whole Bible
texts. I thought, “I don’t want this,” so I said, “I’m grown
up, I can make my own choices.” Then we had no contact,

Portraits 59 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

my mother and I, for about six months. Because I said, “I also because of her youth. She was in between those two
don’t want to talk to you right now.” And also, I said, “I brothers who were, well, the difficult ones. And my old-
want to make my own mistakes, so just leave me. If this est brother was the one who got married and had chil-
is wrong, then I will find out, but I have to learn that, dren young. He was not a kid who wanted to go to bars
and you can’t fix things for me.” So that was not a nice or pubs or explore. He was happier at home with a book.
period. But I think, doing my own thing made me strong.
I mean, we’re doing this right now because I always see In the meantime I started working at an auction
chances and I always think when things don’t seem pos- house, working with art. But it was not really for me be-
sible, there’s always a way. cause it was a lot of computer work, a lot of data, and a
lot of research. I liked it, but it just was not really what I
But then afterwards, when that relationship broke wanted. So, I decided to quit that and finish my Masters
up, I found my own place in Amsterdam, and the rela- in Religious Studies in Amsterdam. But then I finished
tionship with my parents got better. Also, my parents study and I didn’t have a job. And I didn’t have any
changed, I think. They were less strict, also less strict idea what I wanted to do with my Masters in Religious
about the faith. Plus, my younger brothers were even Studies. A friend of mine worked in a high school and
worse. They had a lot of personal problems. I think my they had a job application, so she asked me, “Maybe it’s
parents accepted that going to church or reading the Bi- something for you?” So I went with her one day to see
ble and doing everything by the book, that’s not really how it was in school and in class. I thought, “Well, this
what teaches you anything. I think that, in the end it seems nice.” I had the job interview and they said, “OK,
taught them - with all of us growing up and making our you can try it.” The school was in Hoorn. So I lived in
own choices - that you can’t control some things. They Amsterdam and I went to Hoorn by train. The first few
had six very individualistic - but also not really main- months - being in front of a class - were so intense, but
stream - children. We all wanted something different. I I survived. Then after a few months I thought, “ I can
think my youngest sister is the most easy-going, but that’s do this.” After a year they said, “We would like to give

LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM 60 Portraits

you a contract, but first you have to do your educational positive things, like how you can be inclusive in your life,
Masters in Amsterdam.” So I did that the following year. how you should really help the people who need it, I really
And that was my second Masters. I have two Bachelor’s, liked that message. And still, I think that’s really beautiful.
and two Masters.
A good friend of mine is a youth worker in Amster-
In my work as a teacher, the thing I liked most was dam. She had a very heavy load, always overworked,
the tutorship. When I was the tutor of a class there were almost burnt out. She said, “I don’t want to do this any-
always a few kids who had difficulties at home with their more.” She already knew the concept of the foster home,
parents or with themselves. I think it was my mission to so she decided she wanted to do that. She started her
help those kids. That was what gave me the most energy. own with five kids. She was single back then, so single
So I thought, “It’s not the teaching, it’s the kids.” There with five kids. It’s possible. After a while she told me
were moments where I thought, “I want to take you about the work she was doing, but because it was some-
home.” But, you can’t. I mean, I lived in a small apart- where in a small village in Noord-Holland, I didn’t really
ment in Amsterdam, a single bedroom. So that was not know what it was. Then when she got in a relationship
really an option. But when I was doing that work, I was with a man who had three kids already, she decided that
always thinking, and later on when I got a relationship it was too difficult to manage all of those things at the
with Benno, I always said, “My dream is a home which same time. But then she thought, “What I really want to
is big enough that we have at least one extra room for do is to help others start and set it up.”
someone, a refugee or someone who needs it.”
So, she started her own company, Bijelkaar, and she is
I think that’s also Christianity, the Christian thought, now helping other parents set up the whole framework,
because there are many things growing up that I didn’t but also the contacts with the local government and the
like about Christianity, but it was more the dogmas of the placements of the children. How can you match kids to
church, things about sin, all the negative things; but the a certain home or family? So she told me about this, and

Portraits 61 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

I was with Benno then. I thought, “This is great. I would could do this.” I almost fell off my bike. I said, “Wow, this
like to do this.” But I didn’t mention it because I thought, is so great because this is… I really want this. I think this
this is in my head and I need to think about it. is something that’s for us.” But then we decided, OK, we’re
not going to do this right now, because we really wanted
Months later we went on a bike tour together, and to have a child, our own child. We also weren’t sure if we
Benno started the conversation about it. He said, “Yeah, could have a child. Then I got pregnant, and we got Eva.
I was thinking it might be something for us. I looked up After a few months, because she was born in April and
information on the internet. It sounds great, also for the then around November, I brought it up. I started look-
kids. It’s so much better than when they have to go to ing for homes, because I thought, “Well, where could
an institution. You’re also doing this for my kids,” because we do it?” Then I saw this house at the end of 2018, and
he already had two kids, so I was taking care of kids that I was like, “This is it. This is the place.” But it was too
were not biologically mine. He said, “I really think that we

LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM 62 Portraits

expensive, we could never pay for it. I thought, “I don’t per cent. So, in six months, we got the finance from the
know how we’re going to do this.” bank. We started to rebuild, because we had to make
seven bedrooms and it was really old, everything had to
We got contact information for someone who does be renewed. And we had to make plans for how to start,
this for starting foster homes. She said, “I will just make when to start, and when we wanted to have the first kids.
an appointment and we will talk about it. We will see
if we can do this financially.” She had contacts with a And last year, with COVID, and our baby Eva, who
few banks in the Netherlands, and she knew what the didn’t sleep well for the first 18 months, I had my job
possibilities were, so they could make the case for us and still, I was working, we had to make sure everyone was
hand it in to the bank, and then, well, a bank could say, on board, also the ex-wife of Benno, because her chil-
“We can give you this amount, or we can’t.” Then we dren live here half the time as well. Benno’s oldest is 13,
had this talk with her, and she said, “Think about what and his daughter is nine. In the beginning she really had
you want to do with the rebuilding and reconstruction to adjust to all the placements and the different kids. But
and where are you going to live and when you want to now when another kid comes home, she says, “Oh, what
move.” Then she said, “But there is also a catch, because did you make at school? How was your day?”
10 per cent of the funding has to come from you.” But
we had a rental apartment in Amsterdam. I thought, There is a short visitation from the kid’s parents,
“OK, what now? What should we do?” So I wrote to an sometimes it’s two times a month or once a month.
investor to ask if he wanted to help us with this project, Some parents come here to our home, but sometimes we
and we handed him all the numbers and financial plans go to the youth protection institute in Amsterdam. We
and things like that. And in the end, he wanted to help also have two helpers. One is here two times a week and
us. So, we saw a house, we knew it was a possibility, and the other comes when the other one can’t.
then we had an investor who wanted to give us the 10
But there are no spontaneous activities anymore, if
you want to go somewhere, or have dinner out, you can’t

Portraits 63 LETTERS FROM AMSTERDAM

do that. We have a weekly schedule where everything is groceries during the day - no, that’s not really an option.
planned. On Mondays, I write weekly reports about the My biggest fear is that the kids have to leave because
development of the children. We have one consultant and
she’s attached to this foster home. She reads all the reports it’s still not certain if they can stay. I think that’s my big-
and if we have a question about one of the kids, we can gest fear. Because you try to protect your own heart, but
always call her. On Tuesdays, we have the two toddlers at it doesn’t work like that. We are a family now, a family of
home, but on Wednesday I actually have a free morning seven kids, and it would feel like that family is torn apart.
- with no kids at home. I try to plan no work, no appoint- On the other side, this is what happens when they have
ments - that’s our free time. All the afternoons are filled to leave their own homes and their own parents. That’s
with visitations, swimming lessons, sports, cooking classes, also what happens at the other side. So that’s really com-
therapy. In the afternoon, we are like a taxi service for plicated. For now, the dream is to finish our home, rebuild
all the kids. On Thursday, my mother comes to help in some extra space because we want to add more bedrooms.
the morning, she does creative things with the kids, and I’m not sure if I want more children in the future. One of
reads them books. They jump up and down when grandma our dreams is to have an additional house for teenagers.
comes. And then twice a year we have to redo the whole
care program based on the development of the child. What I think for me this work is just the best job ever. Be-
do they need? What kind of therapy do we want to start or cause I’m doing something that is really helping others,
end? What kind of visitation do we want, how often? Do and it’s really hands-on. It’s a combination of all the things
we want to change anything? Then on Fridays, I do all the I love. I think with one of the kids, who is the most dif-
grocery shopping online for the next week. I always make ficult in his behaviour, the moments when he is really at
a list of what we’re going to eat, because otherwise I can’t ease, is really connecting with us, I think that’s the most
think about it during the day. I can’t go out and do the rewarding, that makes me really happy. Because then I
think, “Wow, we are doing this and it’s working.” He is the
biggest challenge but he is also the biggest reward.

SPINOZA 64

“Happiness is
a virtue, not its
reward.”

Baruch Spinoza

Illustration by Monica Barengo

The Night Café, Vincent van Gogh

Vincent

In the 1880s, Theo van Gogh he preferred to walk behind plough- Road in Etten, Vincent van Gogh
worked in a Parisian art gallery. He ers as they worked the fields than
bought and sold the works of artists to copy plaster casts in a studio. He
such as Gauguin, Monet, Pissarro, had no time for traditional ways of
and Toulouse-Lautrec. At home, his teaching. To explore the relation-
apartment was crammed with works ship between colour and music, for
he couldn’t sell: several years’ worth example, Vincent took piano lessons
of paintings by his older brother. from a church organist. He would
hit a piano key and sing the name
Vincent had started painting at of whatever colour came to mind.
27 and was largely self-taught. He “Cadmium!” he might shout, or
was a man with little time for any “Prussian Blue!” Those lessons did
pretensions, especially the preten- not last very long.
sions of art academies where the
studies were anatomically correct, Vincent was aware that he might
precise, and lifeless. When drawing, seem odd to others. “What am I in

Artist 67 VINCENT VAN GOGH

When we admire the work of Dutch artist Vincent van
Gogh we need also consider the woman who helped
make him famous.

Wo r d s the eyes of most people? A nobody,
NIAMH BOYCE or an eccentric and disagreeable
man - somebody who has no posi-
Artwork tion in society, and never will have,
V I NC E N T VA N G O G H in short, the lowest of the low. Very
well, even if that were true, then I
Self-portrait, 1887 should want to show by my work
what there is in the heart of such an
eccentric man, of such a nobody.”
The same eccentric man surprised
Theo by arriving unexpectedly in
Paris in 1886 and announcing that
he was going to live with him. He
was just in time to catch a major Im-
pressionist exhibition. In response to
the plein air paintings, Vincent’s pal-
ette became lighter, if not his moods,
which Theo found unbearable. “Of

van Gogh

Irises, 1890 , Vincent van Gogh all that Theo did for his brother,”
noted his wife Jo later, “there is per-
haps nothing that proved a greater
sacrifice than his having endured
living with him for two years.”

After those two years, drawn by
the sun and colour - Vincent moved
to the south of France. He ex-
changed the cabarets, brothels, and
absinthe of Paris for the cornfields,
brothels, and wine of Arles. Unwa-
vering in his belief in his brother’s
talent, Theo sent money on a regu-
lar basis; sometimes including paint,
or the Ingres paper Vincent loved.
In return, Vincent posted Theo his

VINCENT VAN GOGH 68 Artist

Vincent dreamt of
starting a colony from
his little yellow house.

The Bedroom, Vincent van Gogh

Vincent van Gogh, age 19

Artist 69 VINCENT VAN GOGH

The Yellow House (The Street), Arles, 1888, Vincent van Gogh time his neighbours signed a peti-
tion to have him removed from the
artwork. He relished the light in ings to decorate the room for his Yellow House.
Arles that spring, painting a series guest. Any hope of building an art-
of peach, pear, and almond trees in ist’s collective together were dashed Vincent spent the following
blossom. “When nature is so glori- when Gauguin called Arles “the dirt- year in St Remy Asylum. Theo ar-
ous… I am hardly conscious of my- iest hole in the South”. Besides, the ranged for a room for him to paint
self and the picture comes to me like two men argued constantly. “Our ar- in, sending him paints and a wool
a dream.” guments are terribly electric,” wrote jacket. On leaving St Remy in May
Vincent, who seemed less disturbed 1890, Vincent was pronounced
Vincent worked outdoors in the by them than Gauguin. ‘cured’. Around that time, he met
fields by day and by night - he often Theo’s wife Jo for the first time. She
had to wipe flies, dust, and sand from But one night, there was a vio- was struck by his vitality, describ-
his paintings, some were scratched lent argument in which Gauguin ing a “broad-shouldered man who
from being carried through thorn threatened to leave. Vincent became seemed perfectly well”, who in fact
hedges. He valued the ordinary, the so distressed that he cut off part of looked much stronger than Theo.
working person. In the Old Master’s his own ear. He carried it to a wom- He visited them in Paris, where
paintings, the figures were all posing, an called Rachel in a local brothel. their apartment was crammed with
he noted, no one was actually work- Gauguin fled; they never met again. his paintings. What can it have felt
ing. From Vincent’s art, we see ordi- “Did I terrify him?” Vincent wrote like to see ten years of unsold work
nary people at work: miners, sowers, to Theo. “I hope that I have just stacked in the various rooms in
weavers - going about their lives. had a simple artist’s bout of crazi- the newly wed couple’s apartment?
ness.” It’s not clear what happened The Potato Eaters hung in the din-
Vincent dreamt of starting a to Vincent. His doctor diagnosed ing room; paintings of blooming
colony from his little yellow house, non-convulsive epilepsy. Modern as- orchards lined the bedroom walls.
turning Arles into a place where art- sessments guess at schizophrenia or There were paintings under the bed,
ists worked alongside each other. He syphilis. His breakdown coincided under the sofa. In the midst all the
invited Gauguin to come live with with Theo’s engagement to Johanna art, was Theo and Jo’s newborn son.
him. The artist, who was broke and Bonger; perhaps he was afraid Theo’s Vincent’s eyes filled with tears as he
needed somewhere to stay, agreed. support would stop. Though Vincent gazed at the child. They had named
When he heard the news, Vincent recovered quickly from the episode, the baby after Vincent. “I’m making
rose early to collect sunflowers and two months later, he began talking the wish,” said Theo, “that he may
paint them before they wilted. He gibberish and hallucinating. This be as determined and as courageous
painted a series of sunflower paint- as you.”

Vincent took lodgings in Au-
vers, a town near Paris where an
eccentric doctor called Gachet
was to keep an eye on him. “He is
sicker than I am,” Vincent wrote.
The treatment consisted of lunches
and chats about art. Still supported
financially by Theo, Vincent com-
pleted an astounding 80 paintings
over the following two months. He
started work each morning at 5am.
“They are vast fields of wheat under
troubled skies, and I did not need to
go out of my way to try and express
sadness and extreme loneliness.”

Not long after, on 27th July,
Vincent walked out into a field af-

VINCENT VAN GOGH 70 Artist

Fishing Boats on the Beach at Saintes-Maries, 1888, Vincent van Gogh

Still Life with Blue Enamel Coffeepot, Earthenware and Fruit revealed his struggles, his love of nature, his theories
on art. After she had finished reading, she wrote, “The
ter lunch and shot himself in the chest. Somehow, he whole figure of Vincent is clear before me.”
stumbled home to his lodgings. He died two days later,
in his brother Theo’s arms. Eight friends came to his Art critics were initially shocked by the paintings Jo
small funeral, including the painters Pissaro and Émile showed them. One prominent critic, Jan Vath, was par-
Bernard. There were masses of yellow flowers. “An hon- ticularly repelled. After their meeting, Jo wrote in her
est man, and a great artist,” were Dr Gachet’s words as diary, “I won’t rest until he likes them.” She was certain
they buried Vincent. A devastated Theo wrote home; that Vincent’s letters were the key to understanding his
“Oh! Mother he was so my own, own brother.” Theo work and insisted he read some. After he did, Jan Vath
died the following January, suffering from the last stages completely changed his opinion and wrote an appre-
of syphilis. ciation of Vincent’s work praising his authenticity. Jo
began to date and organise over 600 letters, preparing
“As well as the child,” wrote his heartbroken widow, them for publication. In a one-woman campaign, she
“Theo has left me another task - Vincent’s work - get- went from gallery to gallery, her son by her side, paint-
ting it seen and appreciated as much as possible.” Jo ings under her arm. In the years that followed, she se-
set to work learning all she could about the art world. cured over 100 shows for Vincent’s work.
She also read the letters from Vincent to Theo. They
In 1905, Jo organised the largest ever Van Gogh
exhibition to date. Fifteen years since Vincent’s death,
fifteen years since she stood in her apartment surround-
ed by stacks of unwanted paintings - the art world was
flocking to Amsterdam to view 484 Van Gogh paint-
ings. Prices for Vincent’s paintings soared. Jo never
gave into pressure from dealers to just sell them all. She
held on to the works she herself considered important.
She succeeded in publishing the letters to Theo, along
with a biography of Vincent. Again, the popularity of
Vincent’s work soared. That same year, Jo organised
for Theo’s remains to be reburied in Auvers-sur-Oise,

Artist 71 VINCENT VAN GOGH
Vincent’s brother, Theo, age 21
next to Vincent’s. “They rest side by The Sower, 1888, Vincent van Gogh
side,” she wrote, “in the little cem-
etery amid the wheatfields.” Vincent van Gogh, Arles, gift; to Paul Gauguin

Though her health was affected
by Parkinson’s disease, Jo continued
to oversee exhibitions, and worked
on translating Vincent’s letters into
English. The first English-language
edition of the letters appeared two
years after her own death. It in-
cluded an introduction by Jo: “It was
always Theo alone, who understood
Vincent and supported him,’ she
wrote.

And after Theo died, it was al-
ways Jo.

Self-Portrait with a Straw Hat, 1887,
Vincent van Gogh

Johanna Gezina van Gogh-Bonger Van Gogh Museum, Amsterdam, the Netherlands

BERTRAND RUSSELL

“Fear is the
main source of
superstition, and
one of the main
sources of cruelty.
To conquer fear is
the beginning of
wisdom.”

Bertrand Russell

Illustration by Monica Barengo



Lost but not found

by Rachel Morris

The disappearance of two Dutch twenty-somethings in a
Panama jungle continues to plague those seeking answers.

The word desaparecidos might be familiar and had worked at the same restaurant.
even to non-Spanish speakers, as referring The pair saved for six months to travel
to people kidnapped - and never seen again together to Panama, where they planned
- under oppressive regimes in Central and to learn Spanish and do volunteer work
South America. But many others have with children. A travel agent helped
gone missing there, and elsewhere, for other organise a holiday by the beach, followed
reasons. A 2021 report by the International by an inland homestay and work placement
Commission on Missing Persons states that at a preschool called Aura in the small
hundreds of thousands go missing each year mountain town of Boquete.
due to conflicts, mass displacement, natural
disasters, human trafficking, organised On 15 March 2014, at Amsterdam’s
crime, suicide, and other causes. Between Schiphol Airport, their parents meet one
16,000 and 20,000 people are declared another for the first time. The first flight is to
missing annually in the Netherlands alone. Houston, and then Costa Rica. The young
Most will be located within a few days; about women will then travel overland and by
20 go missing for longer but are eventually boat to Panama. While Kris’s parents took
found; around 15 will remain unfound. her on holiday to Peru one time, Lisanne
has never travelled further than Germany.
Kris Kremers, 21, and Lisanne Froon,
22, were from Amersfoort, an attractive Clothed in sensible travelling gear
city to the east of Amsterdam. They’d and sturdy walking boots, Lisanne’s digital
recently moved into the same dorm room camera documents the farewell. Her father
hugs and kisses her and holds her face to tell

her something. She appears emotional, but and set off on a hike, wearing their walking
excited. It’s a moment containing a complex boots, shorts, and sleeveless tops. They’ve
set of feelings - parents witnessing their girls researched various destinations, but don’t tell
stepping out into the world for the first anyone which trail they intend to take.
time, letting them go; a mixture of pride,
uneasiness, and loss. Because, unbeknownst Kris’s boyfriend says he texted with her
to all, this will be the last time the parents at two o’clock, but it’s never clear whether
will see their daughters again. that’s morning or afternoon, or in which time
zone. Lisanne’s parents message her too, but
Kris and Lisanne spend two weeks in by April 2 she hasn’t responded. This isn’t
Bocas del Toro. Videos and photos capture normal. In Boquete, local guide Feliciano
scenes of carefree relaxation, posing on Gonzalez starts making enquiries. They’d
the beach, sitting in the sea with starfish, arranged to meet him at 8am on April 2
playing cards with young male travellers for a trek, but where are they? Concerned,
late into the night. On 29 March, they take he visits their language school. A German
a bus inland to Boquete to the homestay intern from the school helps him, and they
with Myriam, a mother of three who hosts both enter the women’s room where most
international visitors. But Lisanne suddenly of their possessions remain. Their host
feels out of her depth and is tearful. She Myriam hasn’t seen them since the previous
misses her parents and wants to go home. morning. Their parents are contacted and
By the following day, despite having a cold, informed that their daughters are missing.
she seems to have recovered emotionally,
only to discover there’s no volunteer work There’s a delay in an official search. In
available at Aura after all. Both women find Panama, 48 hours must pass before someone’s
the school’s director cold and unpleasant. legally considered missing. But local guides
(For her part, she finds their Spanish too and volunteers, including Gonzalez, start
poor.) As Lisanne noted in her diary, the looking in earnest on April 3. By April 6,
realities of the trip are setting in. Kris writes there are searches by land and air, including
in her diary, “We both don’t really want by indigenous people who know the region
to go back to Aura anymore, because we well, if a jungle can be known. Kris’s parents
didn’t feel welcome at all there, and it was travel to Panama from the Netherlands. But
really a huge disappointment. Let’s hope the search is hampered by the enormity of
that the other project is really fun. Well, looking in all directions at once (which trail
let’s go with the Panamanian flow then.” did they take?), as well as the arrival of rainy
season weather on April 4.
While they wait to find work, Kris and
Lisanne consider ideas to fill their days, Come May, all that has resulted
deciding on April 1 to take a backpack from the search for Kris and Lisanne
are theories. Although there are several

76

witness sightings, they conflict with each local youths on the way to a waterfall - which
other. The women may have taken a taxi to raised suspicion.
a restaurant, five miles from Boquete, then
walked El Pianista Trail. It normally takes Their backpack should have told the
just over two hours to walk one way through story of what went wrong, but only served
the meadows and cloud forest leading to the to increase the mystery of Kris and Lisanne’s
Mirador, a viewpoint at the Continental disappearances. Data and images from the
Divide. But if they indeed took that path, phones and camera did at least confirm
where are they now? that the women indeed walked El Pianista
Trail, starting just after 11am and reaching
Family members join the search and the Mirador quickly. But after stopping for
people from the Panamanian Prosecutor’s photos, the women carried on rather than
office take part. A Dutch dog team flies over turning back. The last photo of the day was
to aid the effort. People sometimes wade taken just before 2pm. And then a call was
up to their hips in mud, hacking at heavy made from each phone between 4pm and
vegetation with machetes. Into June, search 5pm to the Dutch emergency number. What
activity is ongoing, but shrinking. A sense of happened in those two hours?
dread has built, as foreigners do get lost in
Panama’s jungles - territory beset by heavy In fact, analysis of the phones revealed
rains and flash floods, humid days and cold further calls to that number and the
nights, snakes and biting insects - but most Panamanian emergency number for a few
usually turn up fairly quickly. more days to come. A weather app was
opened. Myriam’s WhatsApp contact was
Then, on June 14, a native woman finds accessed, but no calls went through, and no
a backpack by the Culebra River near the texts were attempted, having insufficient
village of Alta Romero; meaning ‘serpent’, signal after the high point of the Mirador.
it’s part of the Changuinola River system, The phones were used sparingly to preserve
nicknamed ‘the grinder’ for its ferocity in battery power. Kris’s phone was no longer
rainy seasons. In the bag are two phones, a accessed with her PIN code after April 5. But
camera, sunglasses, two bras, beach residue, it was turned on and off for the last time on
over $80 cash, and Lisanne’s ID card. April 11.

Panama is scenically beautiful but when The last image on April 1, of Kris on the
darkness descends, children under 18 in Serpent Trail north of the Mirador, is image
Panama City aren’t allowed out unless number 508. There are no further photos
accompanied by a guardian. Kidnapping, taken until April 8, all at night, 99 of them.
drugs and human trafficking are threats. Most are dark, or with light blobs of water
A fuzzy photo did the rounds of an alleged or dust. Some show random objects like bits
‘sighting’ - the girls sitting in a truck with of plastic bag on sticks, or what might be an

77

SOS message made with papers. One may ways, ceased to belong to their families. In
be of the side of Lisanne’s face, another is of addition to formal scientific and investigative
strawberry blonde hair, curlier than Kris’s but activities in Panama and the Netherlands, by
the right colour. It’s usually assumed that this judicial, forensic, and other individuals and
is an image of the back of her head, though organisations, the internet has taken over. A
some claim they can make out facial features series of articles by an online news website
underneath. These images start at 510. Image increased both interest in and confusion
509, like Kris and Lisanne, is lost. It can’t be about the deaths, the author convinced at
completely deleted via the camera, and it’s first they were accidental, but later shifting
highly unlikely that the camera would skip a to the view that something more sinister
number. It can only have been removed by a happened. A number of ‘internet detectives’
third party on a computer, unless the women have gone to incredible lengths to compile
took one picture on a different memory card evidence and other information and perform
then swapped them back. granular analyses of the phone and image
data. They’ve even visited Panama and
In the weeks and months after the walked the trails.
backpack was found, local searchers found
other possessions, and human remains, above Such investigators say they care about,
and below that spot of the river, between 10 want answers and justice for, the lost women.
and 15 hours’ walk from Boquete. A pair of Guides, who spent hundreds of hours
denim shorts, said to have been folded neatly on little or no pay looking for them, are
and placed on a rock. Half a pelvis, appearing accused online of nefarious deeds. The lead
bleached and fully decomposed. Two different prosecutor in Panama was pushed aside from
boots, one containing a sock and a human her role after becoming injured in a jungle
foot, seemingly less decomposed, with the search for evidence, and still comes under
toenails painted pink. Leg bones, part of a fire for allegedly incompetent investigations.
rib, a “ball of skin from a shin”, and other All of this is a sideshow. The key question
bones. Testing showed that some bones were remains: what happened to Kris and Lisanne?
animal, or human but older. DNA testing
finds the rib fragment and pelvis to be Kris’s. If you fall down the internet rabbit hole,
The leg bones and foot are Lisanne’s. Some you’ll find the thing about the folded shorts.
of the metatarsals are fractured. That Kris’s remains are further along in
decomposition than Lisanne’s, and may have
Limbo is said to be located between been boiled, suggesting Lisanne was alive
Heaven and Hell. But limbo itself can be a for longer and perhaps held captive, while
kind of hell. Kris was cannibalised. That the smartphone
underwent over 70 unsuccessful access
From 2014 until now, Kris Kremers and attempts. That the night photos and turning
Lisanne Froon and their fates have, in some

78

on and off of phones were a plot by a third conclusion was that they’d fallen off a cliff
party to make it seem the women were alive into the river and been swept away; the
and in Panama, when they were dead, or Froon family agreed with this, the Kremers
trafficked. That the backpack was in perfect, family didn’t.
dry condition, and the remains couldn’t have
ended up where they were by natural means. When wild internet theories are
discounted, it seems most likely that Kris and
The 2021 book Lost in the Jungle by Lisanne were misled by beautiful weather on
Jürgen Snoeren, Marja West, and former April Fool’s Day 2014 into going further
Panamanian prosecutor Betzaida Pittí is than they should with less protection and
somewhat confusing, but unpicks some of the knowledge than they needed. They got lost,
more lurid and bizarre beliefs. The backpack became disoriented and starving, perhaps
was wet, dirty, and damaged, as were Kris’s hypothermic, never able to work out where
shorts, which were caught on a branch in they were or to connect to a cell tower. They
the river. Her remains may have been in decomposed on a bank or dry bed, then the
the sun, then were boiled as part of forensic rainy season river took them, broke them,
examinations. The “ball of skin” is not from spread them. The rest of their remains may
Lisanne’s shin, but a cow. Her foot was less never be found; it’s said to be remarkable
decomposed because it was protected from that any were.
the elements and animals by her sock and
boot. Most smartphone access attempts were The women’s families will experience
in March; the codeless power-ons may just the loss for the rest of their own lives: the
have been to check for a signal. The night loss of what could have been - partners,
photos were mostly taken upwards, perhaps children, careers, celebrations; seeing their
to seek attention with the flash, and show daughters mature, accomplish, build their
high stone walls and vegetation. lives; enjoying their company. They were
very close, and will forever be far now. And
At the Mirador, now, tended by Feliciano it’s this, plus one other thing, that spins the
Gonzalez, is a memorial to Kris and Lisanne. conclusion of an accident on its head and
Tourists are warned not to hike beyond that back into uncertainty.
point without a guide, especially in rainy
season, as the Serpent Trail is more uncertain Image 509 fell between the innocent,
and dangerous than El Pianista. This wasn’t happy hike and the horror of the nights to
made clear in 2014. The memorial is a cross, follow: what was on it, and why was it erased?
with the women’s names and birth dates on
each of the arms. Each also states ‘1 April Kris and Lisanne could have used
2014’, as if it’s the known date of death, but their three devices to leave a video or text
we know it’s more complicated. The official explaining what had happened, saying their
goodbyes, as so many victims did on 9/11.
But they didn’t.

Details Closing date: 25 January 2022
Format: One artwork per entry. Painting, drawing, collage, digital art etc. - all accepted.
For full details visit: Applicants: Entries must also include a separate photo of an edition of Womankind. Art & Illustration Award III 79
womankindmag.com/award File size: Please send large file sizes (larger than 3,000 pixels wide, 300dpi). Photos of entries
must be provided in file sizes suitable for publishing. Still Life
Send to:
[email protected] The theme of this quarter is ‘still life’, derived from the Dutch word stilleven. Objects may include
flowers, fruits, vegetables, books, shells, rocks, and so on.
Win $500 and get published in the next issue of Womankind magazine. award

OPEN TO ALL READERS. III

ON GUILT 80

On

Guilt

Philosophy 81 ON GUILT

Philosopher Jannah Loontjens wrote a book about guilt,
Guilty: An Exploration of My Conscience, because it was a
feeling she struggled with personally.

Wo r d s
JANNAH LOONTJENS

Interview
ANTONIA CASE

Photography
TO

Art
STILL LIFE WITH A
SALT, PIETER CLAESZ.,
C. 1640 - C. 1645

Where were you born and when You have written a book on issues at play. I mean, you’re sup-
did you move to the Netherlands? guilt, titled Guilty: An Exploration posed to be a good mother, a warm
of My Conscience. We’ve all expe- mother, you’re expected to keep the
I was born in Denmark. My par- rienced that heavy feeling of guilt, house tidy and also have a career. If
ents moved to Sweden, so I grew up especially women. Would you say there’s one thing that you don’t do
in Sweden. Well, I lived there until that women experience guilt more perfectly, then women quickly feel
I was eight years old, and then my than men? guilty about it much more than men,
mother took me to the Netherlands. I would say.
I lived both in Sweden and half in My father and brother as well as
the Netherlands. And then eventu- my partner also suffer from guilt, so The feeling of guilt is something
ally when I went to high school, I it’s definitely not exclusive to wom- that is encountered in religion, in
stayed in the Netherlands. en. But if you look at the history, the sense of doing something mor-
women are often blamed for things. ally wrong.
In Sweden, we lived in the mid- In the Middle Ages and also after
dle of the forest. When I was in that, women didn’t have the right Nietzsche, for instance, blamed
the Netherlands, I really missed to protect themselves. They were al- Christianity for our heavy guilt
nature. There’s not so much nature ways the guilty one. That still lives feelings. Nietzsche says that before
in the Netherlands. Also, I only on. For instance, if a man raped a Christianity, when people used to
lived with my mother - my brother woman, the woman was the one who believe in the Greek gods and many
stayed in Sweden. My mother was was guilty because she had this body different gods, they often used the
quite unhappy, so it wasn’t easy. that invited it. So, the guilt was al- gods to not feel guilty, because it was
Apart from those things, I really ready on the woman, you know? We always the gods who were respon-
like the Netherlands, because espe- still experience traces of that idea sible. The gods had brought chaos
cially Amsterdam, it is a very open- today. But there are also other guilt on the earth. But with Christianity,
minded place.

ON GUILT 82 Philosophy

God pointed at mankind and said, I find that very problematic to say that just came up.” And then, I felt
“You are guilty. It’s your fault.” that it’s only mental, because with even more guilty because I had lied to
me, I can really feel guilt, physically her. So then I was thinking, “Whoa,
My father was raised in a Catho- even. The whole distinction between why do I feel so guilty?”
lic family, and he feels a lot of guilt. feeling and thinking is a very classi-
And of course, you’re already born cal distinction in philosophy. I find And then very soon I realised it’s
guilty in Christianity. That’s also it too rigorous. Of course, everyone mostly because I always feel worried
something that Nietzsche points out. knows the difference between feeling about her, so it’s actually worry. It’s
Even just feeling desire to be loved or and thinking, so there is a difference, like empathy. So why would you then
feeling lust, for instance, all of these but they both influence one another feel guilty? What I feel, actually, is re-
very human things, or the desire for all the time. Because I’m thinking sponsibility for my mother’s happiness.
euphoria or alcohol. Actually, all de- about something, I feel sad. Or be- But if I really think it through, I think
sires that are quite human are turned cause something makes me feel sad, that’s not healthy. It’s not right. I am
into sins by Christianity. That wasn’t it makes me think about it more. You not responsible. I was in my right to
the case before. The Greek gods were know? It’s really hard to separate it. I stay at home in the Netherlands, so it
vengeful and used to desire and fall think what’s interesting about guilt is wasn’t something I was doing wrong,
in love and be very lustful them- exactly the fact that it’s always com- but I still felt guilty. It’s interesting
selves, but with Christianity that all ing together. It’s always at that bor- that you can not actually be doing an-
became sinful. That’s something that der, you could say, between thoughts ything wrong, but you still feel guilty.
Nietzsche points out. and feeling. That’s where it all started. I thought,
“Weird. How does this all work?”
Also, Kierkegaard, another phi- There is a heaviness to guilt, and
losopher who was very religious him- that’s a bodily sensation, isn’t it? Sometimes, even before I do some-
self, he also found it difficult because thing or before I act, before I say some-
he was very burdened by all the guilt I think so. I really experience it. It thing, I’m already thinking about how
feelings. He thought, OK, but how can make me feel tense. It can keep the other will experience it. “Will it
can you then not be guilty? How can me from sleeping. I get stiff shoulders hurt her or not? Will it make her feel
you feel you’re doing the right thing? because I feel guilty. What’s also in- better?” So this guilt is also anticipat-
If I have sinful thoughts, I’m already teresting is that I sometimes don’t ing and producing situations that can
sinful, so I’m already guilty. even think that I’m really guilty, or become very uncomfortable.
I don’t really think I’ve done some-
In your book you mention thing wrong, but it still feels like Sometimes I’m already anticipat-
speaking with a psychoanalyst who that. That’s what I find interesting ing what someone might feel, and
tried to convince you that guilt does about guilt - it’s a really complex sort then I act. I say something to reassure
not exist - that it’s all in the head, of feeling, and that it’s often some- someone or to say, “Oh, do you feel
so to speak. thing else. I started writing my book left out? Oh, join the conversation.”
because I felt really guilty about not And maybe that person thinks, “Why
According to some psychoana- visiting my mother for Christmas. are you mothering me like that?” Or
lysts, it’s not a feeling. Or rather, it’s finds it unpleasant. It’s not always
not an emotion, because emotions When I started writing the book, practical. It’s sometimes really un-
really come up directly. They have I was wondering, “Why do I feel so necessary. So there are many differ-
an alarming function. You get angry, guilty?” I didn’t go to my mother in ent sides to it, and it’s very complex.
or you get really sad all of a sudden. France, nor to my father in Sweden, I unravel that in my book.
Feelings last a bit longer. But this but instead went to my mother’s sis-
psychoanalyst said that guilt is not ter to spend Christmas in the Nether- The relationship between moth-
even a feeling, because it’s always lands. So, not only did I not go to my ers and daughters can be very com-
thoughts that make you feel that mother’s house, but I also betrayed plex, as you write about in your
way. You’re always thinking, “Oh, her in a way by going to her sister’s book. Do you think it’s related to
have I done this wrong? Shouldn’t house. I didn’t dare tell my mother. how much of the mother’s life has
I have done this differently?” They At the very end I told her and then been sacrificed for the child?
say it’s something that’s more mental said, “Oh, it’s a very spontaneous idea
than in your feelings. For sure. Actually, feeling guilty
towards the mother is a very common

Philosophy 83 ON GUILT

feeling. Some psychologists say that always felt responsible for her. That’s When it’s on a level of personal
already, at the moment the child is apparently also something that hap- relationships, I think young people
small, and starts paying attention pens quite often. If a parent feels a are more likely to say, “That’s your
to others apart from the mother, it little bit unhappy, the child starts to responsibility. I’m not responsible
can start feeling guilty. Because be- feel responsible. for you.” So they’re more individual-
fore that, it was all focused on the ist in that sense. But when it con-
mother. The mother was feeding Then you often feel guilty be- cerns the bigger issues, such as being
the child, protecting it. Then, when cause by yourself you cannot make politically engaged, then they feel
the child starts liking other peo- your parent happy. that you must have a responsibility
ple, it can already feel like a loyalty towards future generations. That’s
conflict towards the mother. If that In your book you mention a not a bad thing, except for when it
isn’t solved, if it doesn’t feel it can feeling of guilt towards the en- makes you depressed of course, then
do that without feeling guilty, that’s vironment that many suffer, es- that doesn’t really help.
unhealthy. Then, you’re developing pecially younger generations. Is
an unhealthy pattern. this feeling of guilt a good thing Guilt is of course not only nega-
to feel? tive. It’s also like an ethical compass,
Also, people do feel guilty be- right? When you feel, for instance,
cause the mother has given them It’s often said that the younger that someone has done something
life, has fed them, has been raising generations are individualist, that for you, and you feel like you haven’t
them, so they feel like they should they only care about themselves, given enough back, then you feel
do something in return and be the that they will only do what’s best guilty. It can make you do something
perfect child that the mother can for them. But on the other hand, at for that person. There are also phi-
be proud of. And then when they’re the same time, they do care for the losophers like Kant and Rousseau,
not, when they’re disappointing the bigger picture, such as the environ- who say that when you do something
mother, they can feel really guilty. ment. There’s a lot of activism in that’s not right, immediately you
That’s apparently quite normal. But younger generations. This individu- feel that conscience. Therefore, he
in a healthy parent-child relation- alism goes hand-in-hand with an says you are born with a conscience
ship, the mother also makes it clear actual feeling of being responsible - there are also discussions about if
that you don’t need to pay back what for where the world is going, so it’s you have to be raised by an aware-
the mother has done. a very broad responsibility. It’s funny ness, if it’s something that has to be
how it goes hand-in-hand. trained - but Kant says, no, you’re
I am a mother, and I want my born with it. You’re born with a con-
children to be happy, to be healthy, science. Kant says that it’s human to
to feel safe. I don’t want them to feel have these feelings of guilt, and that
thankful towards me. They don’t it keeps us doing the right thing. It’s
need to do that at all. But my moth- a good advisory system in our minds.
er is a person who does. She makes
others feel like they should be more Which other philosophers focus
thankful. In my relationship with on guilt as a topic, and what have
my mother there are some elements you learnt from them?
that aren’t really healthy. That’s also
what I’ve discovered while writing I started at the beginning of
this book. western philosophy, so I started
looking at Plato and Aristotle. And
Also, because my mother is a then I discovered that they don’t
person who tends to really feel like write so much about guilt. They are
she’s a victim. She often feels like concerned about what it means to be
she’s a victim of a situation, or of a good person. So it’s more about not
other people who have bad inten- having to feel guilty.
tions, so she doesn’t really take re-
sponsibility herself. It’s not that she Aristotle, for instance, says you
openly blames me, but sensing it, I must train to be a good person.

You’re not born as a good person. He guilt and Christianity. He finds it writes about that. She also writes
says it’s not like you have eyes and very difficult, this question of guilt, about how human beings are al-
you can see. You don’t need to train because it’s also connected to being ways... have a will, right? You want
your eyes to be able to see, right? But loyal to God, like when Abraham things. The will is always focused on
with being a good ethical person, has to kill his son. He would feel the future, but your thoughts usually
you must train. You must actually do enormously guilty, right? But if God look back. And then, in that combi-
it to be ethical. You can’t just think has ordered it, has commanded him nation guilt arises. Then afterwards
about it and be ethical. You must act to do it, how can he then feel guilty? you start thinking, “Hmm, maybe
in an ethical way. He would feel guilty if he didn’t do I shouldn’t have done that.” That’s
it. So there are these paradoxes and also a question that is very important
Then, of course, when Christi- these dilemmas about how can you for Augustine and also for Kierkeg-
anity starts, it’s all related to being escape this feeling, and this burden, aard. How is it possible that I believe
a noble person, a faithful person of guilt. in God, but I can still want some-
serving God. Augustine writes a lot thing that I know is not good for me?
about that, and Kierkegaard, but I looked into Hannah Arendt be- I know it’s not good for me, and still I
they are also really burdened by this cause she writes a lot about the pos- want it. How is that possible?
guilt. They do ask, “How is it pos- sibility of choice, and how choice al-
sible that if God has decided it all, ways involves guilt, because you can I mean, you can even say some-
that we’re still so guilty?” I must say always think, I would have done this thing simple like a third glass of
I haven’t really found one philoso- instead of that, if my choice would wine for instance. Why do I really
pher that really analyses what it is, have been different, maybe that want that third glass of wine? I know
guilt, someone who really studies it would have been better, and then it’s not good for me, and then later
as a main topic. Kierkegaard writes you start feeling guilty. The freedom I feel guilty towards myself that I
a lot about guilt, but it’s all about of choice implies a conscience. She still had it. So when you’re really re-

Philosophy 85 ON GUILT

ligious you can say, “Why is that? Is In my book, I discuss that. When I Maybe they wouldn’t try to not
that the influence of Satan? Is that a met my partner seven years ago, I also feel guilty. I think they wouldn’t. It
challenge that God puts before you?” had this idea, “Oh, I want to know has to do with reflection about some-
So there are a lot of questions about everything about him. I want to know thing that has already happened. But
guilt in that whole attempt to be a what he did in his past, his former re- the weird thing with guilt is that you
good person if you’re very religious. lationships, how it went, and how he can also feel guilty about things that
feels about it.” I would ask him a lot haven’t happened yet. It can just
It is very puzzling for Kierkegaard of questions. I thought the freer we be a plan or an intention or some-
and for Augustine, because they were could speak, the closer we would get. thing you want to do. You can even
so religious. They didn’t understand This was my idea, so I would ask him feel guilty about something that will
why it’s so difficult to choose the good a lot of questions. He would also tell never happen. I mean, that’s also the
thing, because you always feel you’ll me about his last wife and how they difference between regret and guilt.
regret it. You’ll always feel guilty, al- met each other, and how they wrote I mean, when you regret something,
ways feel anxious for not having done love letters to each other. And then, I it’s clear, but guilt can be very vague.
the right thing. thought, “I actually don’t want to hear You can feel guilty because you fall in
this.” It was as if I felt replaceable all love with someone else. And even if
I also looked at this idea that con- of a sudden, as if he had experienced you don’t do anything with it, even if
fession would relieve you from your something similar with her. I was like, you don’t act on it or whatever, you
guilt. Foucault wrote a lot about that “Oh, that’s not really unique.” And can feel guilty about that feeling. You
because he says that we live in a con- then, I couldn’t help myself. I would cannot really regret feelings, but you
fessional world. Confession became respond with, “Hmm. That sounds can feel guilty about things that no-
more and more dominant. It started very cliché. Nah, maybe that was be- body will ever feel the effect of. You
with Catholicism. He said that we cause you didn’t have anything better can feel guilty about what you think
confess in a doctor’s office; we confess to do.” Things that would denigrate about yourself, right?
at the psychiatrist; we confess also him, actually.
in interviews. I mean, he died in the Regret is different in that sense.
1980s, but now of course we also con- That made me think, because With regret you know exactly what
fess on social media, for instance. Ce- then I thought, “I motivated him to it is that you regret, something you
lebrities confess on television. Every- speak freely and openly, and then have done or didn’t do. But you can
one is always confessing what they’ve what do I do? He isn’t free at all. Ac- feel guilty without having done some-
done wrong. He says there is this re- tually, I manipulated him. I changed thing wrong. That’s what’s so interest-
ally strong belief in western culture his memories. I have power over his ing about guilt feelings, I think.
that if you talk about something, that memories all of a sudden. I can scorn
it will relieve you. Hidden secrets will them, or I can mock his memories.” Do you feel less guilty having
always be a burden on you. That’s the That in a very small anecdote shows written a book about guilt?
idea that whatever we do, it will be what Foucault was explaining. You’re
good to get rid of it. If you get it out in not always freed by speaking out. I do, actually. That wasn’t my
the open, it will be a huge relief. You’re also handing over yourself to goal, but it has been therapeutic.
the ones who hear it. I mean, I’ve seen how it works and
Also, you can see that if you how I often use it as a mask. I mean, I
think about politics in a regime Some Ancient Greek philoso- felt guilty, so instead of honestly say-
where you can talk openly and free- phers remind us that we should ing what I thought or what I felt, I
ly, you are more free. It’s connected only concern ourselves with those would just hide behind my guilt feel-
with freedom. But he says that’s not things in our life that we can con- ings and just pretend everything was
true because there is also another trol, and forget about the rest. We fine. That, I’m much more aware of.
power structure that immediately can’t control the past, and we can’t I do think that I therefore also feel a
comes into play if you are confess- control other people’s opinions or little bit less guilty. I hope that the
ing, because then other people can the way they respond to us. What readers will too.
use your information - they can do do you think they’d think about
things with it; they can diagnose guilt, which is often fixated on what I get a lot of letters from people -
you; they can manipulate you; they we did or said in the past? they say, “Oh, I recognise it so much.
have an image of you that you can- It has really helped me to see it clear-
not control anymore. ly.” I’m happy about that.

The Garden of Earthly Delights, by Hieronymus Bosch

COMING TO
OUR SENSES

Psychology 87 COMING TO OUR SENSES

The pandemic has been an assault on our senses, a mass
sensory deprivation, where we have been cut off from
more than just each other.

Wo r d s
J U L E S E VA N S
Artwork
HIERONYMUS BOSCH

The pandemic has been an assault on of personal space. Don’t touch me. Hands
our senses, a mass sensory deprivation. off. This gives us a lot of space to be our-
selves. But it also creates a yearning. Psy-
Most acute was the loss of touch - the chologists call it ‘skin hunger’.
loss of being able to hold and hug loved
ones. We are mammals, and touch and I felt deep skin hunger during the
hugging are an important part of how we pandemic. I even had dreams where I was
emotionally regulate and maintain our at a festival, dancing in a mosh pit, sur-
sense of self. Suddenly, we lost that. rounded by other bodies. It was a delight.
And then I woke up to another day alone.
I remember the first two weeks of
lockdown, living on my own in a base- COVID also robbed people of their
ment flat, and being surprised how rapidly sense of smell and taste. Millions of peo-
my mood plunged. It wasn’t just my emo- ple suddenly lost two of the most impor-
tions; it was my body. I felt dissociated, tant ways we make sense of the world.
numb, even unsure if I existed. Their reality suddenly became two fifths
less vivid.
The psychological term ‘propriocep-
tion’ means the felt sense of our body. Smell, in particular, we can take for
Psychologists since William James have granted, until it’s gone, and we realise
argued that proprioception is central to how important it is to our proprioception.
our sense of self and reality. We feel our Social media was suddenly full of angry
way into the world through our senses, reviews of scented candles, with people
more than our cognitive rationality. returning them to online stores saying
they couldn’t smell them. More scarily,
For me, the lockdown really under- some reported narrow escapes from gas
mined that proprioception, that sense of leaks they couldn’t smell. Millions also
being in touch with others. said COVID affected their taste, giving
food an unpleasant metallic tang.
The pandemic exacerbated a pre-ex-
isting issue in modern societies - a touch The virus didn’t directly attack our
deficit. Liberal individualist society has sense of sight, but the masks did. While
put a great premium on the privatisation

COMING TO OUR SENSES 88

they protect us from germs, they also deprive us of cru- We are not individuals with firm borders. We are jun-
cial visual information about each other’s expressions, gles, teeming with non-human forms of life, and some of
which are important for reading social cues and build- those xenomorphs feast on us.
ing social cohesion.
Coming out of the pandemic means coming back to
The only sense that was apparently unaffected by our senses. It means coming back especially to our sense
the pandemic was hearing. If anything, it was height- of touch, re-affirming our mammalian togetherness.
ened, as the streets fell eerily quiet, the bars and restau-
rants emptied, car traffic declined, and the skies were At the start of the lockdown, when my mood plum-
free of planes. Personally, one of the challenges of re- meted, I escaped my basement bachelor apartment, and
integrating for me has been the noise when I go into a moved in with a friend. What really lifted my mood was
pub or restaurant. It’s deafening. her cat and dog. They understood my mammalian need
for touch.
While the virus attacked our sensory connection to
the outside world - our touch, smell, taste, and sight of In November, I left the UK and flew to Costa Rica,
each other - it made us hyper-conscious of our own bod- which was a riot of warmth, waves, and colour. It felt so
ies. You could call it ‘somatic hyper-vigilance’ - a con- good to be back in my body. I met a woman there, an
stant nervous monitoring of our physical state. American who had spent 10 months in her apartment
in Los Angeles, without touching another human being.
Is that hot flush the beginning of a fever? Is your She was fine with that, until she wasn’t. One day she
throat tickling? Was that sneeze hay fever or COVID? suddenly had enough, jumped on a plane to Costa Rica,
Can you smell your coffee? then jumped on me.

I must have caught COVID seven or eight times over Sex was just about the only thing that got better dur-
the last 18 months. My inner body-monitor was like a ing the crisis. The Colombian novelist Gabriel Garcia
haywire car alarm, triggered by the slightest anomaly. In Marquez wrote a novel called Love in the Time of Cholera.
fact, I can feel myself getting COVID again now! Well, many of us discovered love in the time of COVID.
In a time of anxiety, isolation, and fear of death, nothing
Above all, the pandemic reminded us that we may beats holding and being held by another human being.
be modern autonomous civilised affluent humans, but we
are also fragile bodies in an ecosystem that is not always We are coming back to our other senses. If you’ve lost
benevolent. There are many more viruses on Earth than your sense of taste and smell for a few months, then hav-
humans. There are more viruses on Earth than stars in ing them return is like reconnecting with a loved one
the universe - 10 nonillion, at the last count. We also you’d taken for granted. The smell of newly-cut grass, of
have more bacteria in our body than human cells. And suntan lotion, of lavender, of freshly-baked bread, of your
there are roughly 80 species of fungi that live on the hu- lover’s hair. The taste of a croissant, a peach, a glass of
man body. cold apple juice.

The Garden of Earthly Delights, by Hieronymus Bosch

For many of us, though, reconnecting to our bodies af- The virus may have made us breathless. But we can
ter COVID will be a slow and sometimes difficult process. learn to regulate our breathing, so that we breathe slowly
and deeply using our full body. We can use our breath to
Estimates vary, but it’s thought around one in ten peo- manage our emotions in the crisis, and to accompany us
ple who catch COVID still report one or more symptoms of through the ups and downs of the day.
it five weeks later. For some, symptoms like fatigue, muscle
ache, breathlessness, and ‘brain fog’ can last months. I still get somatic hyper-vigilance. I still find myself
scanning my body for the first sign of threats. But gradu-
This means that tens of millions of people around the ally I’m trying to use that somatic vigilance for less anx-
world are experiencing post-viral fatigue and are having ious purposes.
to learn a new relationship to their bodies.
As I scan my body, I become more aware of the feelings,
What can be so frightening about post-viral fatigue is sensations and thoughts that pass through my awareness.
you don’t know how long it will last. Is this the new real- They’re constantly passing, constantly coming, and going.
ity? Is this all that the new me is capable of? You can feel
like your body is betraying you. I can practise equanimity and insight. What is hap-
pening in the body now? What is arising? Whatever it
Recovering from post-viral fatigue involves patience, is, it’s OK. Let it arise and then, when it’s time, let it
self-compassion, mutual support, and slow, steady steps to pass away.
build up your body’s strength again.



Fun & Matching Bathrobes, by Gea Georgieva 91 PHOTOGRAPHERS’ AWARD

Photographers’ Award XXV

Vacation

After a long year at work or study or simply a year of being too
busy getting everything done and put into some kind of order, it’s
nice to have a vacation, a time to do as little as possible. We are
pleased to announce the winners and finalists of Womankind’s Pho-
tographers’ Award XXV: Vacation.

In first place is Fun & Matching Bathrobes, by Gea Georgieva,
a fabulously composed photograph displaying the essence of vaca-
tioning in one shot. In second place is A Holiday on Lake Issyk-Kul,
Kyrgyzstan, by Hannah Cahill. “My photo captures a scene from
a lost time, when travelling to the world’s far corners was a pos-
sibility. Here a man is enjoying his vacation on Lake Issyk-Kul,
Kyrgyzstan. Just out of shot are pastel parasols, faded swan paddle
boats and horses grazing on the water’s edge. Lake Issyk-Kul is a va-
cation destination where holidaymakers indulge in shots of vodka
and smoked fish before plunging into the icy waters.”

Finalists to the award include Approaching Toledo by Sarah
Walker, Spirit Island at Maligne Lake, by Jessica Ball, taken at Jasper
National Park, Canada, and Type 2 Fun by Kate Crittenden, taken
at over 4,300 metres above sea level in the Andes mountains in
Peru. “Type 2 Fun is any activity that is generally a great idea to
start with, but not enjoyable in the doing. Instead, the real fun is
in the reminiscing.” Further finalists include Vacation to Gokyo Ri
Summit by Samantha Roche of the Nepal Himalayas. “I have been
vacationing to the mountains as a form of retreat throughout my
adult life,” notes Roche. And finally, the captivating colours of Is-
land Dreams by Bob Charlton.

A Holiday on Lake Issyk-Kul, Kyrgyzstan, by Hannah Cahill

Womankind Community 93 PHOTOGRAPHERS’ AWARD

Approaching Toledo, by Sarah Walker
Spirit Island at Maligne Lake, by Jessica Ball

PHOTOGRAPHERS’ AWARD 94 Womankind Community

Type 2 Fun, by Kate Crittenden

Womankind Community 95 PHOTOGRAPHERS’ AWARD

Vacation to Gokyo Ri Summit, by Samantha Roche

Island Dreams, by Bob Charlton

6
Floral Still Life, Hans Bollongier, 1639

Economics 97 UNFOLDING THE TULIP CRA ZE

In the Dutch Golden Age certain variants of colourful
tulips went for the price of a bricks-and-mortar house,
prompting historians to query why.

Unfolding the
tulip craze

Wo r d s
CLARISSA SEBAG-
MONTEFIORE
Artwork
HANS BOLLONGIER,
LOUIS MORITZ, AND
HENDRIK GERRITSZ
POT

Tulips will bloom for just one to two flies around a honey-pot…,” wrote Mac-
weeks in spring - or, sometimes, just a few kay. “Nobles, citizens, farmers, mechan-
days. Yet in the Dutch Golden Age cer- ics, seamen, footmen, maidservants, even
tain variants of these colourful flowers be- chimney sweeps and old clotheswomen,
came so sought after that their bulbs went dabbled in tulips.”
for the price of a bricks-and-mortar house.
While “many individuals suddenly
Tulip mania has, for centuries, cap- became rich”, noted Mackay, financial
tured the public imagination. The era has devastation lay in wait: “Substantial mer-
been used in countless economic classes chants were reduced almost to beggary,
as an example of one of the world’s first and many a representative of a noble line
speculative bubbles. Depictions have in- saw the fortunes of his house ruined be-
cluded a bestselling novel, Tulip Fever, by yond redemption.”
Deborah Moggach, and a spin-off film of
the same name, adapted by Tom Stop- More recent scholarship, however, has
pard and starring Alicia Vikander, as well cast doubt on Mackay’s version of events.
as countless paintings. “Much of the story that has been repeat-
edly told comes from pamphlet and song
In 1841, Scottish journalist Charles literature at the time intended to ridicule
Mackay helped reignite popular interest those involved,” says Anne Goldgar, au-
in tulip mania by including it as a cau- thor of Tulipmania: Money, Honour and
tionary tale in his book Extraordinary Knowledge in the Dutch Golden Age, and
Popular Delusions and the Madness of a professor of history at the University of
Crowds. “A golden bait hung temptingly Southern California. “Many of the de-
out before the people, and, one after the tails were exaggerated for effect, but these
other, they rushed to the tulip marts, like were taken as fact by later writers.”

UNFOLDING THE TULIP CRAZE 98 Economics

Mackay took such pamphlets and tiny local scale - that’s what made it acceptable. Having gardens was an
songs at their word, writing in his attractive to the Dutch.” acceptable way of displaying wealth
own history “that prices for tulips - they could afford to spend stupid
were sky-high and that everyone in Plus, as Dash puts it, tulips were prices for rare tulips.”
the country was involved in the tu- a way to flaunt wealth without, sup-
lip trade”, says Goldgar. “It was seen posedly at least, ruffling any feathers. The bulbs that commanded the
as a sort of mass folly, almost like a highest prices were infected with
disease, which led inevitably to de- “There was an interesting so- what we now know was the mosaic
struction and ruin when the market cial dynamic,” says Dash. “It was a virus, which split the colours of the
crashed in February 1637.” Calvinist society that was making petal into beguiling stripes. These
a huge amount of money: it had a rare, extravagantly colourful tulips
In fact, Goldgar’s research has monopoly over quite a rare number became a subject of fascination.
shown that only a small number of of spices. [Certain merchants were]
people traded in tulips, with a hand- astronomically wealthy but you But while buying expensive tu-
ful paying sky-high prices. Further- couldn’t go around wearing rich lips might seem risible to our con-
more, most who lost money on the furs and jewellery, as that wasn’t temporary sensibilities (in an era
tulip trade were not ruined and were when tulips are widespread and
wealthy enough to bear the loss. common), is it fair to describe the
era as a madness or mania?
It is true, however, that tulips
were highly sought after in 17th cen- Goldgar doesn’t believe so: “Tu-
tury Holland. Part of the flower’s ap- lips were an exotic product, having
peal was their rarity: for the wealthy, arrived in Europe in the 1550s from
they demonstrated an appreciation Turkey… and still quite rare and
of the ephemeral and the exotic, as expensive in the 1630s. They were
well as providing an access to beauty a collector’s item in a period when
only the rich could afford. collecting of rarities, natural history
objects, and art was a fashionable
“Dutch society was a very pecu- pastime and a means of gaining sta-
liar hybrid - it had a huge amount tus for the educated middle classes
of wealth coming in that was in a in the Netherlands.”
very drab part of the world,” Brit-
ish historian Mike Dash, author Indeed, in a collaboration with
of TulipoMania: The Story of the the late art historian and economist
World’s Most Coveted Flower & the John Michael Montias, Goldgar
Extraordinary Passions It Aroused, discovered that a large number of
tells Womankind. the people who bought tulips at the
time were also art collectors. Like
Holland’s economy had ex- art, tulips were a signal of not only
ploded in the 1600s, as merchants wealth, but also taste and expertise.
reaped the rewards of the Dutch
East India Company - yet, in lit- “It was rational within the pa-
erature at the time, the country rameters they lived in,” agrees Dash.
was mocked for its ugliness, in large Tavern drinking, he adds, helped
part because the Netherlands sat contribute to the ‘exuberance’ of
on marshland. One 17th century the tulip trade. “Tulip trading was
visitor famously described it as “the part of the conviviality in tavern so-
buttock of the world”. ciety - every time they completed a
trade, they did a toast.”
“This was before lots of the low-
lands had been drained, so it was ba- Ultimately, tulip mania reflected
sically a swamp,” says Dash. “It was as much about the people who criti-
not an easy place to create natural cised it, as those who bought bulbs.
beauty: it was drab, it was low-lying.
The flower provided [beauty] in a Paintings such as Wagon of Fools
by Hendrik Gerritsz Pot, made in
1637, were made to show what

Economics 99 UNFOLDING THE TULIP CRAZE

many believed was the idiocy of the wrong people were making the mon- They were a
endeavour. In the artwork, weavers ey,” explains Goldgar. “This insecu- collector’s item
have left their looms to follow Flora, rity about social change was at the in a period when
the goddess of flowers, atop a carni- heart of much of the literature at the collecting of rarities...
val cart carrying armfuls of tulips. time… what we see is a fear about was a fashionable
Three men sit next to her: they are sudden social mobility, leading to pastime.
all wearing fool’s caps. social confusion: tulip mania was be-
ing said to cause social mixing which
“What was criticised was not so was inappropriate in a very ordered
much greed and excess, but, first, and fairly hierarchical society.”
the folly of putting one’s hopes in
something like a tulip (because one There is of course an irony to
should put one’s hope in heaven, tulip mania: that such a beautiful
or at least in a more durable prod- and delicate flower could cause so
uct), and secondly, the idea that the much chaos.

DECORATION CHALLENGE 100 Community

WOMANKIND’S

decoration challenge

Womankind readers were challenged to spend some time each
day redecorating or reordering their homes.

Philippa the list goes on. So this is a very wel- things - bookcases, shelves, vintage
Moore come challenge indeed. mirrors. If I am to believe social me-
dia, these places are absolutely bulg-
Day one: My husband Tom and After months of scouring an on- ing with treasures. Alas, as is usually
I have called a charming inner-city line marketplace for a ‘find’, I gave my experience, these visits yielded
cottage, “home” for the past two- in and ordered something from a nothing extraordinary. Yet again,
and-a-half years. We love living discount department store. In an we find ourselves in discount de-
here but there are, admittedly, many ideal world, I would have procured partment stores. So, in the absence
things we’ve let slide - plants that a scrubbed antique wooden farm- of amazing vintage finds, I settle for
have led a purgatorial existence due house table to seat ten. But for now a discount shoe rack which turns
to my forgetting to rotate them to - the renter’s mantra - this plain, the hallway - previously a dump-
sunnier parts of the house; floor space solid offering will do the job. Al- ing ground for all of my most-worn
that could be freed up if I were simply most instantly, the kitchen trans- shoes - into a haven of tranquillity
to buy a bookcase instead of stacking forms from a purely practical space and order. Again, the simplest of
cookbooks in heavy towers; a table into one that is inviting. Meals can things, costing me a mere $20, and
that was only ever designed to have a now be eaten here, rather than in the first impression of our home has
telephone and maybe a vase of flow- front of the television. been profoundly altered.
ers on it being used as a kitchen table,
which wobbles and loses screws every When Tom and I lived in Lon- I also spend some time on the
time we attempt to butter toast. And don, we would start our mornings back deck, rearranging the pot
writing and sipping coffee at opposite plants that have not moved since
ends of our then kitchen table. My the summer. I transplanted plants
morning routine of writing and cof- that had grown too big for their
fee has taken place in bed since we pots that were craving fresh soil and
moved back to Australia, but with space to grow. I composted those
this new table, I now have the won- who had surrendered to my neglect.
derful possibility of returning my fa- I pruned the herbs - mint, oregano,
vourite ritual to its origins. Already, thyme, rosemary - of their dead
the house feels different. I hadn’t ap- arms. It made me think about dead
preciated how much a kitchen table weight in general, and how growth
makes a house feel like a real home. will only occur when you’re willing
to let go of what has had its time,
Day two: We ventured out early what no longer serves.
to scour some local tip and charity
shops for items that might improve