Self Confidence

Counselling Service &
Personal Development

Certificate in Personal
Development & Emotional
Awareness

Module 5: Self Confidence

Building Self Confidence:
Assertiveness & Self Care

Scheme Certificate In Personal Development & Emotional Intelligence
Module Number 5 of 6
Module Title Building Self Confidence: Assertiveness & Self Care
Written by Sharon Godfrey, Counselling Service, London Metropolitan University (2016)
Study Time 3 – 4 hours
Date January 2017

Module Aims

To explore the concept of self- confidence and its theoretical context.
To build upon this by becoming more self-aware and being able to identifying different / challenging situations explored in

the mini-module.
To develop the skill to adapt your reactions to suit the situation in creative ways.

To enable you to apply the theoretical insights to your own experience.
To encourage your developing self-awareness.

To encourage you to make connections in your learning, with the other modules in this programme.

Introduction

Unusually, we are going to begin this module with an exercise, based upon the work of Kuhn (1960) who investigated the self-image
by using what he called ‘The Twenty Statements Test’. In this, he asked people to answer the question 'Who am I?' in twenty
different ways. You may recall that you were asked to do this in the previous module on Self-awareness. I’d like you to do it again
and without looking at your original answers to see what differences there are.

Activity – Who Am I?

Use your Journal to answer this question ‘Who Am I?’ twenty times, using a different answer / definition each
time. Your statements will all begin with the words: I am ..... We will return to this later but for now, it is
important that you don’t look back at your earlier answers.

You may ask why this component (Building Self-confidence) has been included in the course and how relevant is it for you as a
student attending university. I would argue that it is an essential component and that it relates to the skills required to succeed, not
just at university, but in life generally. Think about any of the successful challenges you may have negotiated, to be here today, or
think about some of the challenges, at which you did not succeed in the way you may have wished on that occasion. Did your self-
confidence matter?

Exploring and developing your self-confidence is important in keeping you motivated, engaged and committed. It builds on your
ability to stay focused during periods of uncertainty and change. It may also lead to an increased awareness, helping you to recognise
when you are not able to achieve what you are aiming for.

“My life has been filled with terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.” Michel de Montaigne (Philosopher;
1533-1592)

Sometimes students feel reluctant to seek help with an issue, such as confidence building. Paradoxically, in order to explore your
lack of self-confidence, you need a degree of initial confidence to even approach the subject in the first place. Instead of feeling able
to direct your energy into a strategy for addressing your low confidence, your energy gets misplaced into worrying. This is often
experienced as a chain of negative thoughts, images and doubts about things that might happen in the future. As a result, worrying
can get caught up in a whirlwind of thoughts about bad things that “might” or “might not” happen. The bad things are often either
highly unlikely or are very distant possibilities. The comment made by Montaigne over four hundred years ago, turns out to be true,
even today (see research reported in The Huffington Post; 25.8.15; link or Appendix). http://www.huffingtonpost.com/don-joseph-goewey-

/85-of-what-we-worry-about_b_8028368.html

However, when you are caught up in a chain or spiral of worries, they seem very real. The development of self-confidence is
inextricably linked with the symptoms of anxiety, and for some people, this anxiety may be so second nature to them, that they
hardly remember a time when they did not feel it. They notice only when there are more intrusive physical or behavioural episodes
that impact seriously on their connections to themselves or others.

Self Confidence
Before we proceed with any further exploration in this module, I’d like you to have a look at the several talks, given by three people
about self-esteem (below):

Self-confidence is an important facet of Emotional Intelligence. It is generally presented in people we admire and respect, who
“have their act together”. We admire individuals who display a positive attitude towards themselves, particularly if they do so
without being arrogant. We often feel at ease in the company of confident people. At the same time, we can feel under pressure or
feel inferior because we compare ourselves to them.

Activity - Confident Admiration

1. Use your Journal, to list the names of people whom you admire and give a brief reason for doing so. These
people can be people in your life, famous people, fictional people.

2. On a scale of 1 – 10 (1 = low; 10 = high) how do you rate your self-confidence and self-esteem? What
reasons do you have for this score - think about your feelings, your behaviour, your relationships and your
activities? Record this in your Journal.

3. Think about the above statement (the one about people you admire) and use your Journal to make a list of names, of
people whom you admire and know to be confident and self-assured. These can include family and friends and well as
people from the media and the world of entertainment. Beside each name, write a brief statement on: what makes this
person admirable.

Self-confidence is a positive and balanced attitude. It consists of a basic belief that we can do what is needed to produce the desired
outcomes. It does not mean having a problem free life but it does mean that when obstacles crop up, and you have a confident
attitude, you can continue to work in order to overcome the barriers. If you lack self-confidence, you are not likely to persevere;
indeed you might not even begin the task. The good news is, that self-confidence can be developed. Anxiety, worry, depression and
low self-esteem are often associated with a lack of self- confidence.

To build self-confidence, it is important that you overcome barriers and give yourself credit for
what you have achieved, no matter how insignificant to others the achievement may seem.
Once you allow yourself to get used to the idea of experiencing small successes, you can use
this as platform to build on. It’s a bit like building something layer by layer. You lay down the
foundation and slowly begin to build, trying to ensure that no layers are stripped away or
repairing layers which get damaged (see picture, below).

What does ‘self-esteem’ mean to you? Self-esteem can be
described as the way you feel about yourself. If you have high self-esteem, which contributes to
an increase in your confidence, you are more likely to be resilient, have a positive image of
yourself and have flexible but safe boundaries. However, if you have low self-esteem, then you
may have fragile boundaries, unsure values and a self-image which is likely to be negative.
People with low self-esteem find it hard to say ‘No’ to others, and will often find themselves
overburdened or consenting to something they don’t like. This could be in work, personal
relationship and even sexual relationships. You can see why it matters.

Note – The majority of us, during our life, are likely at times to oscillate between both these
polarities (low self-esteem and high self-esteem) and recognise facets within us. However, it is important to be aware of the times
when this becomes problematic, as poor self-esteem is often associated with poor coping strategies and more resistance to
adaptation to life’s challenges.

Readings: Self Esteem

Before you go any further in the module, please have a look at the short reading – link below. The first
reading refers to some research in relation to self-esteem in students, children and adolescents. The
second, provides some very interesting details about the different kinds of self-esteem, making reference
to: (a) Self-Determination Theory, (b) Sociometer Theory and (c) Terror Management Theory.

http://www.simplypsychology.org/self-esteem.html
http://positivepsychology.org.uk/self-esteem-theory

Activity: High / Low Spectrum

Things that make me feel  VERSUS  Things that make me feel
Good about myself Bad about myself

1. Take time to think about the above spectrum and, in your Journal write down ten things for each
end which apply to you. Be curious about how you first respond. Then consider:

(a) Do you find one set easier to explore than the other?
(b)Do you want to avoid one end of the spectrum more than the other?
(c) What would it be like to make your list now and then review it in five days’ time?

2. Return to the statement I made above: “People with low self-esteem find it hard to say ‘No’ to others, and will often
find themselves overburdened or consenting to something they don’t like.” (a) Can you think of examples where this
has applied to you? (b) What would you like to be able to do instead? Describe this in detail. When we describe ‘wished
for’ behaviour in detail, it often makes it easier to carry out.

The Self Concept

Our self-concept consists of three inter-related parts: (a) Self Image, (b) Self Esteem and (c) Ideal Self. The self-concept develops as
a result of contact with, and messages from, significant others in our lives (Cooley: The Looking Glass Self and Mead: Self Interaction
Theory). These messages need not be accurate or rational to affect our perception of ourselves. People are often unaware of much
of their experiencing.

a) Self-image includes: (i) perceptions of one’s body (Body Self) and (ii) perceptions of one’s personality (Personal Self).
b) Self Esteem describes judgements made, and feelings felt, about our body and our personality, e.g. ‘I am 14 stone’ (Body Image).

‘This is seriously over-weight’ (Judgement). ‘I feel inferior, unattractive and depressed’ (Consequent Feelings). We can all effect
each other’s self-esteem, for example, bullying, oppression and bad experiences can have a negative effect on self-esteem,
regardless of how well we understand the reasons for the bullying, oppression or bad experiences. Conversely, being supportive
of others and respectful can have a positive effect on their self-esteem.
c) The Ideal Self refers to how we would like to be, bodily and personally, e.g. ‘I would like to be tall and handsome, with a warm
and caring personality and liked by most people.’

Activity – Self Concept Audit

Now I’d like you to take each of these parts of your self-concept and carry out an audit. Use your Journal to
record your findings.

1. Self Image (Body) – Draw a large outline of your body and indicate the parts you feel OK with and the parts
you feel Not-OK with.

2. Self Image (Personality) – Have a look back at the first activity (your 20 statements). Are there any of these which describe
your personality? If so, make a note of them here and add any further statements about your personality, until you have
a total of 15. Now, tick those which you feel OK with and put an X beside those you feel Not-OK with.

3. Self Esteem – Now return to all the parts which you are Not-OK with and note down the judgements you are making about
yourself and how these judgements cause you to feel.

4. Ideal Self – Finally, consider how you would like things to be in relation to your body, your personality and your self-
esteem.

Development of The Self Concept

Let us now look at how the self-concept develops and what influences its development. Its development is influenced by four
processes: (a) Reactions of Others, (b) Comparisons with Others, (c) Social Roles, and (d) Identification (Argyle, 2008).

1. Reactions of Others: This relates to Cooley’s concept of the Looking Glass Self. We form opinions of ourselves in relation to the
feedback we receive from others. This feedback may be verbal, explicit, non-verbal or implied. For example, if someone likes to
spend time with you, you could conclude that you are a likeable person.

2. Comparisons With Others: This involves looking at ourselves and comparing ourselves with others. In doing so, we use concepts
such as: less than, more than e.g. more intelligent, less tall etc. When we make the comparison, we also generate a corresponding
feeling e.g. I am less intelligent and I feel inferior. In December 2016, researchers reported that people who use social media, such
as Facebook, often fall foul of this particular process:

The “social” network has been linked to a surprising number of undesirable mental health consequences: Depression, low self-esteem,
and bitter jealousy among them. Now, a new study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology finds that not only do Facebook
and depressive symptoms go hand-in-hand, but the mediating factor seems to be a well-established psychological phenomenon:
“Social comparison.”

Source: http://www.forbes.com/sites/alicegwalton/2015/04/08/new-study-links-facebook-to-depression-but-now-we-actually-understand-why/#4b3923762e65

“All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their entrances, And one
man in his time plays many parts.” (As You Like It, by William Shakespeare)

3. Social Roles: The importance of this process was recognised long before psychologists began their research. In his play, ‘As You
Like It’, Shakespeare writes: “All the world's a stage, And all the men and women merely players; They have their exits and their
entrances, And one man in his time plays many parts.” With each social role we play, we put on a different mask, with corresponding
behaviour and feelings. Roles include: parent, teacher, friend, student, worker, lover etc. In each role, we have a different concept
of ourselves e.g. I may see myself as a good teacher but as a bad lover; a confident student but a nervous worker.

4. Identification: From childhood onwards, we identify with others and to a degree we ‘copy’ their behaviour and attitudes: children
with their parents or fictional figures, adolescents with sporting and pop idols, adults with hero figures. It is worth noting that
advertising in modern society relies for its success on the process of identification – we watch someone famous in the advert, we
identify with him/her, we buy the product to be more like him/her.

Activity: Self-concept & You

Before going any further, let’s have a look at how these four processes affect you. Please use your Journal to
record your reflections and please give some details and examples for each question.

1. Reaction of others – (a) Do you ever stop yourself doing something because of how you imagine others
will react? (b) Likewise, do you ever do something because of how you imagine others will react? (c) Do
you have beliefs about yourself which you know have developed because others have told you so? (d) Explore some examples
of each of these in more detail.

2. Comparisons with others – Complete the following statement 10 times: I am less X than Y (where X is a personal quality and
Y is someone else’s name) but I am more A than B (where A is a personal quality and B is someone else’s name) and, as a
result, I feel Z (where Z is a feeling word). Example: I am less fit than Julie and more funny than Zack and, as a result, I feel
very disappointed.

3. Social roles – Make a list of all the social roles you play (even the brief and small ones) and add some comments about how
well you play them. When you have finished, ask yourself what kind of play you are normally cast in, e.g. a tragedy, comedy,
farce, thriller, crime, horror, satire, fantasy, mystery, melodrama, historical, romance, pornography.

Now, think about a social role you would like to play successfully (it may be one
from above or a totally new one) and draw / design a mask which you could wear
in this role. Make use of as much colour as fits the role.

4. Identification – You could explore this by carrying out a survey of the
posters on your wall. Who are your heroes and villains – the people you identify
with and the people you remove yourself from. What attracts you to them and
distances you from them?

Self Efficacy

We come back to the theory of your self-concept. Some researchers have looked at ways of measuring our so-called worth base and
self- esteem. Gecas and Schwalbe (1983), Rosenberg (1979) have all developed a ‘Self-Esteem Scale’. Similarly, Pearlin (1981) has
developed a ‘Mastery Scale’. You don’t need to know the details of these but it is interesting to know that the results from their
questionnaires indicate that there is a correlation between feelings of self-worth and self-efficacy (ability to help ourselves) and our
ability to relate successfully to others. Later research concluded that higher self-esteem, or self -esteem “in reserve” acts as a buffer
or reservoir which we can draw upon when our relations to others come under attack. In essence, self- esteem may work as a type
of “social lubricant”, helping us to deal with various stressors or “bumps in the road” and thereby allowing us to function
meaningfully and effectively, from day to day, in the roles and social structures we inhabit. It’s clearly important!

Activity: Self & Others

This activity encourages you to explore what roles your peers, family or friends play in relation to your self-
esteem, and what roles you can play, or have played in shaping the self-esteem of others.

Actions that positively affect your self-esteem. Actions that negatively affect your self-esteem.
They can be your actions or those of others. They can be your actions or those of others.
Actions you can take to help increase the self- Actions you have taken in the past, which may
esteem of others have decreased the self-esteem of others

Can you think of examples for all four sections listed above? Use your Journal and draw the table below, making each section
large and use the table to reflect on these examples:

Example: Example:
Example: Example:

Four Dimension of Experience

Cognitive At times, we all oscillate between feeling bad and feeling good about
ourselves. You could argue that this is as a result of the world we live in,
• Your Thoughts our interpretations of what is going on around us and how resilient or
vulnerable we may be in any given moment. Our reactions to these events
Emotional / situations have four inter-related components:

• Your Feelings (a) Physical – your body
(b) Cognitive – your thoughts
(c) Emotional – your feelings
(d) Behavioural – your actions

Behaviour As the yellow line of the chart (left) indicates, these are inter-related so they
influence each other, e.g. your thoughts influence how you feel and how
• Your Actions you feel may influence how you act, and so on. Even pretending to behave

in a particular way, can bring on real feelings, e.g. if you clench your fists, as

if you were angry, and keep holding the clench, you will begin to feel angry, and you may even think you are under threat. It follows,

that if you can influence one of these factors, you can influence the others too.

Example 1: I see a large dog coming towards me and think it looks vicious (Cognitive)  I feel frightened (Emotional)  I grow
hot and sweaty (Physical)  I take a turn down a side street to avoid the dog (Behaviour).

Example 2: I see a large dog coming towards me and think it looks soft and cuddly (Cognitive)  I notice a tender feeling come
over me (Emotional)  My body feels alert and open (Physical)  I wait until the dog gets closer for me to stroke its coat and

cuddle it (Behaviour).

Activity: The Big Dog

Physical, Cognitive, Emotional and Behavioural. These responses can happen in any order. Take some time
to think back on your recent life and recall a time when you have felt a strong feeling. Complete the other
boxes to describe what was happening (Cognition, Behaviour and Physical).

Feeling  ?  ? ?

Did your thoughts turn out to be accurate or did you misread the situation?

Confidence or Arrogance?

Low confidence can affect your study performance, but another kind of ‘confidence’, incompatible with Emotional Intelligence (EQ)
is arrogance. You’ve probably met arrogant people – those who boast, who put others down, have to be on top. Over-confidence

or pseudo-confidence is destructive, and does not belong in developing a positive relationship to yourself and others. In reality,
people who are perceived as domineering and who think they are entitled to make decisions without regard to the effects on others,
are often viewed as being as ineffective as their low-confidence peers, who are reticent in taking the initiative in decision making.

Activity: How Arrogant Are You?

Do you recognise any of these qualities in yourself? Use your Journal to reflect and to give examples. Can you
say what was going on for you at the time?

- Difficulties admitting mistakes to yourself or others
- An unwillingness to apologize
- Pushiness, unable to respect boundaries
- Boasting and being big headed
- Trying to make others feel small or inferior

I hope you have been honest in answering the questions above. The irony is that some of these qualities are often connected to
underlying anxiety about looking incompetent in other people’s eyes. When it happens, you may be less likely to seek support from
your friends, family, tutors or even therapeutic support. In the examples above, was this what was going on for you?

Low Self-Confidence

In our day to day living, we normally judge how someone is able to meet our gaze or is able to speak up. We do this observing by
the way they walk and carry their bodies, and how much initiative and determination they display.

Exercise: Considering Culture

The above comments on body posture and gait, need to be seen
in a cultural context. Different cultures have different rules and
different relationships to society. Use your Journal to make notes
of the exceptions (where the rules seem not to apply), such as
those of culture, race, gender, sexual orientation, faith and more. For example, some
cultures encourage modesty and reticence, and this is reflected in a low voice, a slow
walk and a less than rigid posture. Are you aware of any others?

Activity: Hearing My Voice

Do you identify with any of the descriptions below? Use your Journal to note examples from your
experience.

 Confident in making formal presentations to your manager/tutor or peers?
 Advocate for a particular student who needs support or representation?
 Be persuasive in advancing an argument or leading some kind of change?
 Inspire, but not command others to work harder?
 Overcome an obstacle and still be able to pursue your goal?
 Be interviewed for a newly created post which required a lot creativity?
 Take a risk?

Many of the things listed above, as well as other activities we do every day, depend on having a high level of self-worth or self-
confidence, to do them well. If you have in the past, or can currently identify with any of the descriptions listed, it would be
interesting to explore how you managed these challenges?

Activity: The Obstacles?

Have look again at your answers to the above activity and see if you can you identify any three things that
may have helped you overcome these obstacles? These ‘things’ could be people, attitudes, circumstances,
tools, skills etc. Please describe them.

Overcoming Low Self-Esteem

To lack confidence is challenging on many levels, especially if you consider that you may wish, at times, to live independently of the
world and get on by yourself. However, we are all connected to others by virtue of being part of a family, a friendship group, an
activity club, work, study or community. We can choose to be a part of these or to live separately. Being a part of these different
communities is a help when we begin our journey in developing confidence, and ease with the world.

Activity: First Attempts

1. Can you recall any of the following – (a) your first day at school, (b) the first time you had to do a
presentation to others, (c) your first job interview, (d) your first time socialising at a party where you did
not know anyone? What did these occasions feel like for you? If there were any, how did you overcome
the obstacles?

2. Use your Journal to reflect on these questions and to identify what skills or resources you used.

3. Now, select the skill which you think is most useful to you when dealing with new situations. Take a full page of your Journal
and draw what this skills looks like. Use colour freely and have fun. It’s really important to see what this skills looks like. It could
be like a person, an object, a plant, an animal and much more.

Self Esteem & The Body

You may recall earlier in this module, that I referred to the Physical / Body effects of low self-esteem. Let’s look at this in more detail.
Have a look at the diagram (below). You may recognise some of these effects on your body, from being put in a situation that is not
familiar to you. Generally, these reactions are manageable and you can gain some control over their development so that you are
able to cope with the symptoms. However, if these go unchecked, you are less able to adjust to their intensity and the following
symptoms become much more intrusive:

1. Cerebral - Panic Attacks - Causing heart palpitations, chest
discomfort, light-headedness.

2. Respiratory System Response - Aspects of anxiety can lead
to shallow breathing, respiratory illnesses and flu-like
symptoms.

3. Central Nervous System – Panic attacks can lead to anxiety
about the possibility of further attacks. The brain releases more
cortisol (the stress related hormone) – which in turn leads to
headaches, muscle tension, loss of sexual drive and desire.
Anxiety, long term plays a role in the developing symptoms
associated with depression.

4. Cardio-vascular Changes - Rapid heart rate, palpitations,
chest pain and gradual and dangerous rise in blood pressure.

5. Immune System - Short term stress / anxiety can actually
boost your immune system. However long term exposure to
anxiety can lead to a diminished immune function, which would
leave you less able to fight off infections.

6. Excretory & Digestive System - Sustained anxiety can cause nausea, vomiting, stomach upset, loss of appetite. Increased risk of
developing diabetes and /or irritable bowel condition.

7. Fright, Flight or Fight Response - When you feel anxious and stressed, your brain floods your system with adrenaline, cortisol
and other chemicals designed to help you adjust to the possible threat. While this is good in the short term (it helps you deal with
the emergency) it is not good in the long term, as you live in constant “survival mode”, which will result long term in exhaustion and
symptoms of depression.

8. Behaviour Changes - Emotional and social withdrawal, irritability and compulsive behaviour. The more you withdraw, the worse
your stress becomes.

Activity: Personal Check Up

I’d like you to become your own personal doctor for a moment and use the diagram above and information
about it, to give yourself a check-up. Before doing so, you need to have a good ‘look’ at your body and
there is a free guided tour to help you with this. This guided tour will take approximately 20 minutes. Settle
yourself comfortably, in a quiet room to complete the tour.

https://soundcloud.com/london-met-counselling

There are guidance notes about the tour on the following page:

http://student.londonmet.ac.uk/media/london-metropolitan-university/london-met-
documents/migrationdocs/counseling-emotional-support--personal-
development/Mindfulness_Based_Progressive_Muscular_Relaxation.pdf

Now, return to the diagram and note down anything you have noticed about the
nine body areas, either during the body scan or in the past few weeks.

Negative Resources

Situations can be dealt with using both ‘negative’ and ‘positive’ resources. Negative resources generally end up causing some kind
of harm – to you, to someone else or to some ‘thing’. Positive resources, on the other hand, have more constructive outcomes and
can lead to increased self-esteem for you and others involved.

Activity: Negative Resources

Use your Journal to reflect on some examples, where in your life, you had negative encounters. Think about
the impact these had on you. How did you deal with the situations? Were the techniques you used helpful?

Did you find ways of avoiding or escaping the situation? In the end, did
your approach have a detrimental impact on you or anyone else?

Hint: Think about the effect on: your health, the health of others, your
emotional well-being, the emotional well-being of others, relationship
with self/others, finances, time, your confidence.

Activity: Positive Resources

Your reflections and reactions should be written down in your Journal. You should try using more than one
way of doing the exercise, e.g. using writing, drawing, graphs, cartoons, tables,
poetry etc.

Reflect on some examples, where in your life, you had positive encounters. Think
about the impact these had on you. How did you deal with them? Were the
techniques you used helpful? In the end, did your approach have a positive impact on you or anyone else?

Creating Balance

Balancing the different aspect of your life, meeting challenges and solving problems is a part of your life and not being busy can
sometimes can create problems of its own. In these periods you may begin to question: Who am I if I am not ...”. People who

experience unemployment often have particular problems with this, because they have earlier identified strongly with their job role.
For many of us this is the way in which we manger and nurture our self- esteem and develop a sense of who we are in the world.
Think back to what you wrote in the first Activity of this module, when you made the 20 statements.

Activity: Life Events & Self-esteem

1. Use your Journal again to reflect on how significantly the following areas of your life impact on you and
your self-esteem?

 Big events, traumas and incidents (e.g. adolescence, being in a relationship, getting married,
moving house, becoming a parent, a major illness).

 Relationships with your family, friends and partner.
 Your living space and home.
 Your work, your work environment and work relationships.
 Your studies, your assignments and exams.
 Your finances or lack of finances.
 The spiritual or non-material e.g. religious or political beliefs, creativity.
 Your health and well-being.

2. Have you made any major changes in the above areas? If so, in which way did you deal with the adjustments? Were these
adjustments stressful? Did they impact on the way you felt about yourself - in other words, did these life events result in you
feeling much more positive or negative about yourself?

Some of the above list may evoke fear if we have encountered the experiences and they did not go well, or fear of it happening
again and resonating with our sense of failure.

Fear & Overcoming Fear

Fear can have a stranglehold on our sense of well-being. Because of the anxiety it
generates, this fear may inform how we choose to live. According to the US National
Institute of Mental Health, fear evolved in humans to enable us to deal with dangerous
situations, or the potential for dangerous situations. It causes an automatic, rapid
protective response in many systems of the body and is co-ordinated by the amygdala
in the brain. Fear is anxiety gone wrong. Instead of feeling fear of real danger, you
may worry over mundane minutiae or even experience a panic/anxiety attack. This
level of anxiety has an impact on our self-esteem and positive sense of feeling “in
control” to the point where we might find ourselves rehearsing how to deal with problem before they have even arisen. Anxiety at
its normal level is a useful protective measure: it can help you avoid dangerous situations and solve everyday problems and also
nurture our self-esteem and confidence to be able to cope with challenges.

Strategies to build confidence are rooted in the belief that “taking a risk” may have a positive result, but you need to believe that
the risk will pay off positively. There are many ways this can be explored and the list below is by no means conclusive. Different
techniques may work for some and not for others, but it may be important not to feel disheartened at the first attempts.

 We can manage problems and calm ourselves at the same time, if we do something immediate about the problem rather than
later grappling with a catalogue of possible disasters.

 Identify and analyse: Attempt to identifying what the concern is and to put it in writing, using very precise language. Having
done so, attempt to challenge the thinking behind this worry. This can help you clarify the circumstances in which it occurs and
perhaps identify what are the common triggers.

 Probability – Attempt to break a cycle of worry by using rational analysis, such as how probable an event really is. Is it inevitable,
possible, likely, unlikely, avoidable? This may help to reduce your anxious thinking.

 Consider the so-called ‘Worst Possible’ scenario. In other words, consider: what is the worst thing that could possibly happen,
if this problem really occurred or reached its worst. What is so bad about this? Is it really so bad?

 Look at the possibility of changing this problem scenario and what are the best possible strategies that are realistic for you to
explore? Although it’s not always possible to change the way you think, it may be useful to change how you act, which may in
turn change how you think.

Mindfulness & Relaxation

In the Module on ‘Mindfulness’, you explore in detail the power of
mindful relaxation. Relaxation or mindfulness exercises, if practised daily,
can be re-called very readily to ease immediate anxiety. It also helps you
to become increasingly self-aware and much more in tune to situations
that are upsetting you. Mindfulness can help bring about change in your
mood and feelings of self- worth. The diagram (right) illustrating a brain
scan, before and after meditation, shows how big the difference can be.

There are also many health benefits to practising some form of
meditation or mindfulness. These include lowering stress levels, helping us to see our own ‘blind spots’, which can amplify or
diminish our awareness of our flaws and strengths as well as our sense of reality.

Research in University of Santa Barbara (California) suggests that mindfulness can also help to improve your grades by training your
mind to perform better in terms of verbal reasoning and the functioning of your working memory. An important finding for those of
you who are studying, is that the practice of daily mindfulness has been found to protect the brain from mental health challenges.
This is because it is linked with increased signalling connections – axonal density in the brain, as well as increased protective tissue
(myelin) around the axons of the anterior cingulate brain region. Don’t worry about the technical terms.

Being at University may be the best life experiences but it may also be a time when you face a number of risks and threats, which
may challenge your emotional well-being. You may also be affected by what is going on for you personally, e.g. for example, other
personal or family/relationship issues. Through exploring the content of this module, there are exercises that may contribute to
building resilience and contribute to keeping you motivated, engaged and committed so that you stay focused both at university
and in your life generally.

Resilience

Resilience is in essence your ability to feel positively in control in the face of adversity, being able
to: “bend like a willow tree and not snap like a branch”. Willows are flexible and can bend almost
into a full circle without breaking. Flexibility is also essential to human resilience – when flexible,
you can take the strain without snapping.

It is fair to say that you more likely to respond positively in a positive environment and less so in
a negative one. However, this depends on your interpretation of events and the impact they
have on you, how they affect your levels of contentment or discontent. If you are constantly in
‘survival mode’ in your environment, even the most resilient among us may find this very
challenging. So, be realistic and don’t expect miracles of yourself.

Summary

Let us now review and recap your level of self-awareness. Understanding yourself gives you great insight into your self-esteem and
influences your ability to react and to build safe boundaries for yourself. It enables you to evaluate new challenges from a more
informed place, by being able to assess them in a timely and appropriate way. Self-esteem and confidence are inextricably linked to
resilience. Strengthening this will, in the long term, support your well- being beyond your time at university.

Additional Resources

Books Fennell, M. (1999). Overcoming Low Self Esteem. London: This book uses a self-help approach and the
Web Sites Robinson. principles of Cognitive Behavioural Therapy
(CBT).
Waines, A. (2004). The Self Esteem Journal. London :
Sheldon. Full of theory, exercises and examples, this is a
good book to follow. It also encourages Journal
Positive Psychology UK writing, as does this course.

http://positivepsychology.org.uk/pp-theory/self-
esteem/109-theories-of-self-esteem.html

Simply Psychology
http://www.simplypsychology.org/self-esteem.html
Study.com
http://study.com/academy/lesson/what-is-self-esteem-
definition-six-pillars-issues.html

Contacting The Counselling Service

As this document indicates, the University Counselling Service works with students who are experiencing difficulties and
also with students who want to develop their potential and achieve their goals. You can contact the service to arrange a

conversation.

Holloway Road - Learning Centre: 020 7133 2094
Aldgate Hub - Calcutta House: 020 7320 7002

Email: [email protected]
Web : londonmet.ac.uk/counselling

Appendix

85 Percent of What We Worry About Never Happens – Source: Huffington Post (25
August 2015)

Don Joseph Goewey Author of The End of Stress, 4 Steps to Rewire Your Brain,
and the Managing Partner of ProAttitude, a human performance firm focused
on ending work stress.

Five hundred years ago, Michel de Montaigne said: “My life has been filled with
terrible misfortune; most of which never happened.” Now there’s a study that
proves it. This study looked into how many of our imagined calamities never
materialize. In this study, subjects were asked to write down their worries over
an extended period of time and then identify which of their imagined misfortunes did not actually happen. Lo and behold, it turns
out that 85 percent of what subjects worried about never happened, and with the 15 percent that did happen, 79 percent of subjects
discovered either they could handle the difficulty better than expected, or the difficulty taught them a lesson worth learning. This
means that 97 percent of what you worry over is not much more than a fearful mind punishing you with exaggerations and
misperceptions.

Montaigne’s quote has made people laugh for five centuries, but worry is no joke. The stress it generates causes serious
problems. The stress hormones that worry dumps into your brain have been linked to shrinking brain mass, lowering your IQ, being
prone to heart disease, cancer and premature aging, predicting martial problems, family dysfunction and clinical depression, and
making seniors more likely to develop dementia and Alzheimer’s.

If we could get a handle on the worry that habitually, incessantly, and often unconsciously seizes hold of our mind, we would greatly
increase the odds of living a longer, happier, and more successful life. But don’t worry; new research has found that you can rewire
your brain to stop worrying. It starts with the decision not to believe the misfortune that your worried thoughts see in your
future. An example of someone who made that decision is an elderly woman my friend Martha was asked to drive to the clinic for
an annual check-up. Martha didn’t know this woman. All she was told was that this person was more than 90 years old and probably
quite frail. But the person who opened the door when Martha knocked could hardly be described as old and frail. The person who
stood before Martha was a sprightly lady who appeared to be in her seventies at most.

“Do you mind me asking how old you are?” Martha asked on the drive to the doctor.
“93,” the woman answered.

Martha was astonished. “You look so much younger,” she said. “What’s your secret?”
“Well, honey,” she answered, “30 years ago I made the decision to stop worrying and I haven’t wasted a moment on worry since.”

It was this decision that made her younger and healthier than her chronological age. Think of all the energy she gained through her
decision not to worry. Think of all the anxiety she spared herself, all the needless stress she avoided. Martha said that it showed
on her face, in her attitude, and in how well her brain functioned.

It’s possible to make this same choice to let go of worry and gradually move past worry altogether. You can rewire your brain to
quiet the worry circuit. It takes a decision and it takes a special kind of practice, but it’s simpler than you might imagine. I present
20 proven tools and processes in my book, The End of Stress, that are neuroplastic in nature, meaning they represent a change of
mind that can rewire the brain to extinguish knee jerk fear reactions that set off incessant worry, and all in a matter of four to six
weeks. A tool as simple as The Clear Button can get you started.

Here’s how it works. You imagine a button at the center of your palm. You press it and count to three,
thinking of each number as a color.

 Breathe in, count 1, think red.
 Breathe in, count 2, think blue.
 Breathe in, count 3, think green.
 On the exhale, completely let go of thinking anything for a moment.

Nature gave us a 90 second window to bust stressful thinking before it takes a long walk off a short pier, and The Clear Button gets
us through the window in time. The more you bust stressful thinking during the day, the more your brain will strengthen synapses
that end worry.

Here is the neurological reason why the Clear Button works. The part of the brain that causes stress reactions literally has the
intelligence of a toddler. And every parent knows you don’t stop a tantrum by appealing to a child’s logic. You distract the child.
This tool distracts the terrible two-year-old in your brain from casting you off the deep end.

Another simple approach to dissolving worry is called “Finish Each Day and Be Done With It.” It facilitates the choice to let go of the
day’s problems, so you don’t take them home. This piece of wisdom comes from a letter written by the great American philosopher,
Ralph Waldo Emerson, to his daughter who was worried over a mistake she’d made. This is what it says:

“Finish each day and be done with it. You have done what you could. Some blunders, losses, and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget
them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; let today go so you can begin tomorrow well and serenely, with too high a spirit
to be encumbered with your old nonsense. Each new day is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on yesterdays.”
By “old nonsense”, Emerson is referring to our worries and woes. The two are synonymous. In the study I cited, nonsense and worry
were one and the same thing — not once in a while — but nearly every single time.

I invite you to cut-and-paste the statement and post it where you’ll see it at the close of your work day. If you allow Emerson’s words
to release you completely from your day’s labor, your evening is guaranteed to be more enjoyable, more relaxing, and more
restorative. You’ll also sleep better. I’ve framed Emerson’s statement and placed it on my desk and I read it with conviction before
closing up shop for the day. Then I head into the evening committed to being happy and at peace, so I can enjoy the people and
things I love.

Images via www.canstockphoto.com