我的
心路旅程
这本书献给过去，现在与未来的自己。
在这旅途中，继续勇往前进，永不退宿。
也献给所有同样在找寻爱，生命与希望的朋友。
愿我们的心路旅途充满着爱与神奇的力量。
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This book is dedicated to me. A foot in the past. A foot in the present. Stepping into the
unknown future.
And dedicated to those who have also been searching for love, life and hope all their lives.
May each of our journey be full of love and wonder.
第
一
章
背对世界
这个世界
是黑暗还是光明的呢？
这个世界
是充满希望还是悲哀的呢？ 我不愿相信这个世界
这个世界到底有没有属于我的爱？ 只有黑暗与悲哀
请证明给我看
我并不知道 让我保留那一丝希望
我并不晓得
我还在寻找答案
我还在期盼
老人究竟在等待着什么呢？
孤独的背影期待着什么。
等待着未来，还是等待着死亡？
等待着美好的黄昏，还是一天的逝去?
而我，又在等待着什么呢？
等待着有东西，值得我等待。
第
二
章
黑
暗
中
的
一
丝
光
等待。
在焦虑着,在祈祷着。
等待着医生的到来
等待着医疗的结果
等待着一份安心。
等待中的忙碌
给自己一分钟的喘气
买一瓶水, 歇一歇息
然后继续等待。
很累很累
累到很想哭
却流不出一滴眼泪。
心好累,头好痛,整个灵魂都很累。
好想好想放弃
却觉得自己没有资格放弃
好想好想找到那一份希望
却不知何去何从。
只能依靠那仅有的温纯
再次喝一口熟悉的菠萝绿茶
希望在那甜蜜清爽的味道中
重新找到一丝希望。
明天, 真的会是更好的一天吗？
今天
我真的很想把它活得更好。
今早起来，脑子一片空白。
还是好累，还是好想哭。
好想回去睡觉，一觉不醒。
看着天花板，看着墙壁上的壁报
突然好讨厌墙壁上的文字。
但想了一想
毕竟这是自己选择的人生
不想走，但还是想走
不想坚持，但还是希望自己坚持。
一步就好，再走一步就好。
看不到
听不到
本来是该写关于love and hope 的
但我发觉真的好难写
越写越烦躁，越写越沮丧
因为其实或许自己的生命并没有爱与希望
所以才这么迫切想在生命里找到这些。
突然间想起这首歌
我找你找了好久
我是在找寻爱与希望吗
还是它们一直都在我身边
只是我一直看不见
也一直听不到。
看着别人的故事
突然间在想
那，我的故事又是什么呢？
好想说出自己的心声
好想好想说出自己的故事
却发现
自己太久太久没有说话了
已经不晓得如何开口了
一次一次把自己的心声吞进肚子里
已经太习惯了
没有人想要听的故事
最终变成了无言的故事
窝藏在心里的故事
就连自己都不想去听了
希望有一天，故事会再次出现。
第
三
章
走
向
爱
情
黄昏
老人与小孩
骑着脚踏车
一步一步往上爬
爷爷的爱, 孙子的欢笑。
啊, 那多美好的黄昏。
或许，
这样的爱就已经足够了。。。
那天
看着别人
手牵着手
站在十字路口
等待的那一瞬间
被那暖暖的爱包围。
是期盼吗
是羡慕吗
还是绝望呢？
心中的火
或许开始重新点燃了。。。
夜里的一曙光
又凄凉又黑暗又孤独又冷漠 在那黑暗中
似乎让我无法呼吸 能找到那曙光
完全迷失在那黑暗里。 是多么难能可贵的啊
好想好好的拥抱着它，
我在那黑暗中静静地呆着 珍惜着它，
静静地呆着 不让它灭亡
突然看到了那一曙光 不让它绝望
那一根点燃着的蜡烛
那微不足道的蜡烛 让那曙光
燃烧着绽放着 让那根蜡烛
让那光芒笼罩着黑暗 陪伴着你我
让那温暖的感觉
温暖着，孤独与冷漠的心 找回那真诚的爱
那单纯的爱
那单纯的爱
小手 魔术师
紧握着小手 小孩望着爸爸
面对面着笑 期待着手里的冰淇凌
一个温馨的拥抱 似乎爸爸就是全世界最伟大的魔术师
那带着深情的眼神 一边哈哈笑着，一边拍手叫好。
注识着对方 爸爸小心翼翼地把冰淇凌放进碗里
似乎世界只有那一秒 叮嘱着孩子慢慢吃
似乎世界只有彼此 抚摸着小瓜的头发
似乎孩子就是他的全世界
你就是我的全世界
坚 坚定的爱 一颗熊熊的烈火燃烧着
包容着孩子般的我
温暖在爱的心里
定 让我在那天空里 那永不灭的
自由的飞翔
爱的火苗
一颗星闪烁闪烁着
的 让我无限欢喜 大树覆盖着爱的大地
走累了就歇一歇息吧
爱 坚定的爱里 孩子般的我
住着魔术师
摇晃着魔术棒 感到无限幸福
让那天空亮了起来
啊...
我超喜欢这爱呀！
我以为我终于找到了爱情
为什么我又掉下去了。。。
掉入
陷阱
以为走出了黑暗
为什么又觉得掉进了陷阱
以为看见了光明
但那光明似乎好遥远
好累好累，真的好累
似乎又回到了原点
怎么爬，怎么挣扎都没有用。
彷徨。无助。
真的不想回到那绝望里
告诉自己
绝对不能回到那绝望里
绝对不能。
只能硬生生地拖着身子，拖着脚步
一步一步继续往前爬。
难道
爱与希望就真的那么短暂吗？
迷失
好想放弃
正在挣扎中
继续挣扎着。。。
第
四
章
转
捩
点
?
我不想结束
我不想就这样结束
不公平
不公平
生活不应该只是如此
我不想 为爱奋斗
就让爱这么结束 为自己奋斗
我还想活着
真的很想活着
活在爱的世界里
活在充满爱的世界里
我相信有爱
我相信这个世界有爱
只是我暂时找不到而已
我一定能把你找出来的
再给我一点时间
我一定能重新找到你的。
请在那里等着我。
抉择
我再次站在十字路口
不知何去何从
是要继续往前走
还是要继续绝望
在那一刻，我才发现
就只剩下抉择了。
就这样我选择了爱
爱与被爱
就这样我选择了希望
因为我仍然相信有希望
就这样我选择了生命
继续用爱来拥抱生命
抉择就在那一瞬间
我要。继续。用爱。
来做出爱的选择。
身边的爱
今早起来的比闹钟早
聆听着外头的轻声细雨
窝在被窝里
享受着温暖的感觉
内心一片温暖
一片宁静
就只想静静的呆在被窝里
享受这一秒的安宁
或许这也是一种爱吧
世界对于我的爱
我对于自己的爱
活着本来就是一种爱
生命本身就是一种爱
那默默无言的爱
但一直都在我身边的爱。
我决定睁开眼睛
拥抱一直都在我身边的爱
一直拥抱着, 相信着。
终
结
章
领悟
人生每一段路，都是一种领悟
终于开始明白
爱 生命是什么
那希望的根源
那曾经被牺牲掉的爱情
与 来自于想死与不想死的念头
还有那挣扎在死亡与疯掉的边缘
生
是我给予了自己爱情
命 也是我亲手放弃了爱情
曾经的绝望
曾经的牺牲
也正是我还能活着的原因
感谢自己 但这一次
虽然放弃了似乎全部 我会用我的双手
但始终没有放弃自己 一点一滴
放弃生命 创造奇迹
拥抱爱情
将来会是如何 一直一直
我并不知道 迈向未来
但我仍然相信爱情 坚持活在爱的世界里
相信奇迹
仍然相信
我还能活在爱的世界里
这
就
是
我
过去
现在。 未来。。。
后
记
如果说生命是一场梦 那内心燃烧着的火苗
那这本书就是梦的叙述 我会小心翼翼的呵护
当初想说却说不出口的话语 纵然有一天它被熄灭
通通写在这里。 我也会用我一生的精力
这是一本梦的记载 把它再次点燃。
也是一本历史的记载
我并不知道 那是我对于自己的承诺
将来会是如何 因为这是我的生命
但我很庆幸自己能有这个机会 因为这是我的选择
把自己的心声说出来 因为这就是我
把自己的故事写给自己听 因为我值得。
对于未来 弘奕启
还是有点迷惘
还是有点忐忑不安
但也多了些坚定
还有那份对于自己的爱
是否足够, 我并不晓得
但至少这条路
我能走的更坚定, 更自在, 更踏实。
THE STORY BEHIND THE BOOK
This book has been long in its making. I have always wanted to do a photo journal since
young. Being enamoured by the photos I saw and the captions that accompany the photos.
Like a photo journal can be so so so beautiful.
The original idea was actually to walk 3 long routes, taking photos along the way, and to
have accompanying captions with them. To explore the external world and my journey in
the world. Somewhere along the way, I realised that while I was taking photos and writing
captions, I was missing in the entire picture. That was where I started to wonder where was
I in this entire journey, and that was where I unknowingly started on an inward journey. But
I didn't know where I was going, and I was anxious and almost needed to cling on to an
outcome that was determined upfront. The fear of uncertainty was so great, like what if I
ended up in a 'place' that I didn't want. And I almost wanted my story to end on a high with
a lovey dovey fairy tale-like love and hope ending. I was afraid of the alternative honestly. I
was afraid that in the end, I would find out there is no love in the world for me.
This was also a period of emotional turbulence in my personal life. And somehow it came
up in my poems. The poems became a way for me to express the emotions I felt, so that I
wouldn't feel stuck within myself and could still move on in my daily life. It became a
discipline for me to write 1 poem a day, partly for TPP expression, mainly for my own sanity.
And I am very grateful that I did it.
This period also coincided with polar and deep work, which have had a tremendous impact
on this piece of work, as I grappled with love, hope and the meaning of life itself. Weirdly,
there was really a moment at night when I wanted to slice my wrists with a penknife, and a
voice that kept telling me to do that. As though that was the only way to relieve myself of
the subconscious pain that I couldn’t handle. I had to force myself to go sleep, so that I won't
go crazy with that voice within me. And perhaps the voice has been within me all my life, as I
discovered in deep work about how I really wanted to die, and how I tried to ‘kill’ myself in
so many ways. But there was always always this tiny part of me that wanted to live. When I
wrote that poem about wanting to die, I felt shameful about it somehow. Like I was not
supposed to have such thoughts, and I should be grateful for all that I have been given and
not be so useless. But now re-reading it, I feel more at peace with myself and more ready to
face myself. Right now, that poem remains unpublished. Perhaps one day, I will find a way to
weave it in.
For me, the journey of love continues. The journey of seeking love, experiencing love and
being love itself continues. And tied in to that really is the journey of being alive. Not just
physically, but in every sense of the word. And it is a choice that I make, have to make, and
will make, every single day. Whether I choose to live a life of love, or a life of non-existence.
My entire life has been about 'fighting for a place for existence'. And perhaps it is a battle
that I will need to keep on fighting, for the rest of my life. But this time round, I choose to
fight it with dignity, with self love. And I choose to embrace myself for all of who I am.
Because I am worth it.
ACKNOWLEDGEMENT
This book would not have been possible without Kelvin and TPP Expression. And how the
story has evolved and how I have evolved in the journey would not have been possible
without Polar Review Aug and Deep Work Sep 2021.
I would like to extend my deepest thanks to Kelvin and my fellow participants in Polar
Review, Deep Work and TPP Expression who have been walking with me along the 2 month
journey. The story would not have been what it is without you.
I would also like to thank and appreciate my family for being there with me throughout this
period of time. We have grown stronger together as a result. And we will keep growing
stronger together.
And I would also like to thank my very good friend / 'would-be' best friend (if you ever get a
chance to read this) for always being there, listening to me and 'entertaining' me. Even
though you might not know it, you have helped me pull through life itself again and again, in
your own way.
Last but not least, I would like to thank myself for writing this book. To have the courage and
love for myself to write this book, to put in the energy to manifest this book, and to allow
the story to unfold on its own. I just want to say to you: I think you did a good job this time
round. I am proud of who you are and who you have become.
Because you are worth it.
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