Here I will let loose Here the necessity of preserving shame is absent here I let my soul dialect, more like communicate I wanted to use a specific self to talk but it sounded a lot better in my head to just let all of them at once I honestly exactly know what I am I always lied to her whenever I said I don’t know a mixture of urges and disabilities Urge to success, another for self, extra for grief and whole lot more to name weakness , depression , love for depression and we will talk about that later everyday is a copy to me regardless of the different events that lies within its sweet to drown within my world Now you notice its true that I am sensitive But to the side of it I find emptiness, it's so bizarre that you can wield the sickness alongside its cure its easy to question everything as I have told her lately its another disability of myself I tend to lie on it Its an urge to help Regardless of how hard I scream for comfort it just doesn’t seize to abandon me Feeling cold incomparable to any other feeling is truly bad I wanted ever since to just vanish My one and only desire has always been and will stay Not a person Not a feeling Not a soul
Its to swim in an unending space Feel the true absolute cold The vacuum where the blood within shall freeze And all the sounds will go quiet And the sounds inside will rampage As I stare into the black void Well this image has varied across my nights Sometimes it becomes different An ending with another soul I truly want to come back in time Time where I can talk to my past self and maybe give that me a hug I know he always wanted one A person who wont look at him and tell him that hes a freak From my current self to the future one I hope you are watching As I go crazy narrating myself talking to myself It’s the loneliness that emerged poor me in that loop And the problem that it becomes addictive The happiness I am feeling currently is immeasurable Cold fingers and thirsty throat Eger blazing soul willing to save itself from damnation The relief of falling asleep is the finest drug I have ever tasted It saves me from one of my worst fears Well obviously not sleep depravation But the monsters that lies within She might be wondering but where am I from this I was rarely mentioned
Well I tell her to be patient Good things might come for those who wait, you might know this one I have been dying to taste a long wanted love And I did And I dont want to anymore I really feel what my friend told me once Its either them or no one It is understandable Not from the amount of care Or need for a person Not at all At least not to me I don’t want to attach anymore My skin is distorted My soul is disfigured Its all because of the amount of times I have linked myself For a loss I felt the grief so many times That I learned how to create my happiness from it Desperate times call for messed up solutions What happened today even if it was not intended What I know is that I had excitement And happiness to please her But when I felt that even for a tiny bit It wasn’t as important to her as it is to me It felt like a switch in my brain occurred The usual one which is the sad depressed
But I said nah its too boring So I decided to turn on something And it is what lead to here It so gorgeous how it can cancel everything Love Care They all become meaningless It’s the last resort for myself When being sad is too boring When my life is too boring When everyone is just boring I know that it is my problem not anyone else's And with that I mean both the meanings I don’t want from all of this to be translated into something else So I don’t even know anymore How do I feel? I don’t know Do I feel love right now? I do actually Do I feel sadness? Probably I am eager to express Only needed a motive I'll get to the bottom of it I have never felt what I felt It might be what I wanted I don’t know
True I sometimes just want to feel her warmth And I do believe all the lust between me and her came out thought the lack of contact So whenever I thought about it How I think about anything Depends on which character I am using I know that I am not wrong I cant be wrong I overthink to be safe I don’t want to end up hurt Yes the process itself is indeed toxic and bad Might even have done more harm than good But myself doesn’t allow me not to Its just like a program inside I am just tired I want things to be simple I want her to talk to me I am just sad See how funny it is It all depends on what self I let out It feels so stupid It makes me sometimes think that those emotions are worthless Its so easy to just cancel ##^## I truly feel bad for you I have no idea how does it feel to live with a person like me But its probably not the best thing A tiny example
you told me that you would stay if you encountered a person like me just better looking, richer simply a better version of m e I had millions of responses inside One agrees One calls you out for lying One laughing at what you said And one sad because of the fear that it might not be true But what I offer to anyone I care for Is a shortcut through the sickness of mine I make sure to give out what you want to hear I am not talking about how I feel Whenever I said I love you I did mean it I am talking about casual statements Trust for me is far hard to gain you think I only let down my guard because I am stupid enough Well if I didn’t maybe I wont be writing this for you It just happens and the perfect self never takes place Simply because it isn’t thus no one is I used to write with lies Lies to myself first and last And the lies turn into the truth Truth I want to live in but not this time Honestly it feels lot better to simply be honest Shades I hide under Masks I forged with my feelings and soul to hide behind
But I remove them for you sometimes You are a person whom I care about more than anything I am fighting voices in my head telling me You are just playing around with me Laughing on me Lying to me How stupid can I be? Am I though? I guess I have to wait until I can look into your eyes These don’t lie And the warmth of a desired hug Wont lie either I a m tired I want to sleep I don’t want to wake up At least my dreams aren’t complicated I want to see you in the next life With a heart without fear No blackness No sadness Just comfort and love For the time being I have nothing else to say I prefer to keep my imaginary tragedy for myself And give u my comedy so we can laugh together You are worth that much Once you told me I was stupid For putting your happiness over anything else
But you are worth as much as that Be safe and sound, happy and nothing else Your sincere #####