Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare_ How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself ( PDFDrive )

Many of us are prone to seeking love quickly because we want a safe haven after
the toxicity we've encountered - unfortunately, without healing our wounds, we
often end up in the arms of another narcissist. This is because we've been
subconsciously programmed to seek someone with similar traits as a way to
"resolve" the wounds our past partner(s) have inflicted on us.

My ex-partner always commented on the looks of others. Is this
triangulation or am I just being insecure?

While finding others attractive while in a relationship is normal, commenting on
it constantly, especially if you've brought it up as something that bothers you, is
not. Think about the way you've acted in the past in relationships when you
found someone else attractive. Did you rush to tell the person you were with
about it? Did you feel the urge to comment on it constantly, risking that the
person you were with might feel insecure?

Toxic people have a habit of making their partners feel insecure - regardless of
how beautiful and valuable their partners may be. In fact, the more attractive
their partners are, the more they feel the need to put them down covertly so they
begin second guessing themselves and doubting themselves. They do this in
order to feel a sense of superiority and power over their significant
others/supply. The more self-doubt they can make their partners feel, the less
likely the partner will feel able to leave the relationship or think they can do
better.

My observation is, more often than not, respectful partners tend to acknowledge
who they find attractive in their thoughts and keep it to themselves when around
their romantic partner. It's not a big deal to notice someone else is attractive - all
of us do it and it is natural to notice people - but your ex seemed to deliberately
point it out frequently which is quite rude and uncalled for. To talk about his
interactions with other women is a little much and downright unnecessary.
Noticing and verbalizing are two different actions and a respectful partner would
limit it to the former. It is disrespectful to not appreciate your own partner while
constantly commenting on the looks of others.

You deserve a partner who makes you feel desirable and doesn't feel the need to
make you think you have to compete with other women for him. Nobody is that
special and you shouldn't ever have to compete with anyone in a healthy
relationship.

ADDITIONAL RESOURCES ON NARCISSISTIC ABUSE



My journey would not have been complete if not for the extensive reading I did
looking into this subject from talented professionals and survivors (including
some self-declared narcissists and sociopaths who give us some insights into
their own minds!). For readers who wish to learn more about the specific
behaviors of narcissists and sociopaths, I recommend reading the following.

You can also access these books through my Amazon Survivor Bookstore.

In Sheep's Clothing: Understanding and Dealing with Manipulative People by
George Simon, Jr. Ph.D; The Sociopath Next Door by Dr. Martha Stout

Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie

Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker The Body Keeps the
Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk, MD

Stop Spinning, Start Breathing by Zari Ballard

Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us by
Robert D. Hare, Ph.D

Soul Vampires by Andrea Schneider, LCSW, MSW

The Human Magnet Syndrome: Why We Love People Who Hurt Us by Ross
Rosenberg, M.Ed Narcissistic Lovers: How to Cope, Recover, and Move On by
Cynthia Zayn and M.S. Kevin Dribble Malignant Self-Love by Sam Vaknin

Confessions of a Sociopath by M.E. Thomas

It's All About Him by Lisa E. Scott

Help! I'm in Love with a Narcissist by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol Unashamed
Voices: True Stories Written by Survivors of Domestic Violence, Rape and
Fraud: Exposing Sociopaths in Our Midst by Paula Carrasquillo and Lisa M.
Ruth Blogs and websites that also have helpful information on narcissistic
behavior, abuse and the effects of trauma include: Pete Walker – Complex
PTSD

Psychopath Free

After Narcissistic Abuse
NarcissisticBehavior.Net
Michelle Mallon’s Facebook Community: Narcissistic Victim Syndrome
Psychopaths and Love
The Narcissistic Life
Mental Health News Radio Interviews with Narcissistic Abuse Advocates
Andrea Schneider, LCSW
Shannon Thomas, LCSW - Southlake Christian Counseling
Healing from Complex Trauma and PTSD
Lisa E. Scott
Emotional Impotence
YouTube channels I follow on narcissism and emotional abuse include:
Lisa A. Romano, Adult Children of Alcoholics Life Coach
Narcissism Survivor
Spartan Life Coach
Psychopath Free
Ross Rosenberg
Family Tree Counseling
Finally Free from Narcissism
Annabel Lee
Shrinking Violet
Ollie Matthews
Understanding Narcissists



REFERENCES



Bancroft, L. (2002). Why does he do that?: Inside the minds of angry and
controlling men. New York: Putnam's Sons.
Bardenstein, K. K. (2009). The Cracked Mirror: Features of Narcissistic
Personality Disorder in Children. Psychiatric Annals,39(3).
doi:10.4135/9781412950510.n565
Bergland, C. (2013, January 22). Cortisol: Why “The Stress Hormone” Is
Public Enemy No. 1. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-athletes-way/201301/cortisol-
why-the-stress-hormone-is-public-enemy-no-1
Berman, M. G., Jonides, J. & Kaplan, S. (2008). The cognitive benefits of
interacting with nature. Psychological Science, 19, 1207-1212.
Brown, S. L. (2010). Women who love psychopaths: Inside the
relationships of inevitable harm. Penrose, NC: Mask Publishing.
Buckels, Erin E., Paul D. Trapnell, and Delroy L. Paulhus. "Trolls just
want to have fun." Personality and Individual Differences. 67 (2014): 97-
102.
Brummelman, E., Thomaes, S., Nelemans, S. A., Castro, B. O., Overbeek,
G., & Bushman, B. J. (2015). Origins of narcissism in
children. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences Proc Natl
Acad Sci USA, 201420870. doi:10.1073/pnas.1420870112
Carnell, S. (2014, May 14). Bad Boys, Bad Brains. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/bad-appetite/201205/bad-boys-
bad-brains Carnes, P. (2013). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of
Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications Incorporated.
Choi, J., Jeong, B., Rohan, M. L., Polcari, A. M., & Teicher, M. H. (2009).
Preliminary Evidence for White Matter Tract Abnormalities in Young
Adults Exposed to Parental Verbal Abuse. Biological Psychiatry, 65(3),

227-234. doi:10.1016/j.biopsych.2008.06.022
Crowell, S. E., Beauchaine, T. P., & Linehan, M. M. (2009). A Biosocial
Developmental Model of Borderline Personality: Elaborating and
Extending Linehan’s Theory. Retrieved from
http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2696274/
Creswell, J. D., Dutcher, J. M., Klein, W. M., Harris, P. R., & Levine, J.
M. (2013). Self-Affirmation Improves Problem-Solving under Stress.PLoS
ONE, 8(5). doi:10.1371/journal.pone.0062593
Field, T., Hernandez-Reif, M., Diego, M., Schanberg, S., & Kuhn, C.
(2005). Cortisol Decreases And Serotonin And Dopamine Increase
Following Massage Therapy. International Journal of
Neuroscience, 115(10), 1397-1413. doi:10.1080/00207450590956459
Fenichel, O. (1945). The psychoanalytic theory of neurosis. New York:
W.W. Norton & Co.
Fertuck, E. A. (2009, July 29). Borderline "Empathy" Revisited. Retrieved
from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/science-the-
border/200907/borderline-empathy-revisited Foucault, M., & Hurley, R.
(1988). The history of sexuality. New York: Vintage Books.
Gabriel, M. T., Critelli, J. W., & Ee, J. S. (1994). Narcissistic Illusions in
Self-Evaluations of Intelligence and Attractiveness. J Personality Journal
of Personality, 62(1), 143-155. doi:10.1111/j.1467-6494.1994.tb00798.x
Georgia Health Sciences University. (2011, February 28). Brain's Reward
Center Also Responds to Bad Experiences. Retrieved from
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2011/02/110222121913.htm
Harvard Health. (2007). Drug addiction and the brain: Effects of dopamine
on addiction - Harvard Health. Retrieved from
http://www.health.harvard.edu/press_releases/drug-addiction-brain
Hammond, C. (2015, July). The Difference Between Male and Female
Narcissists. Retrieved from http://pro.psychcentral.com/exhausted-
woman/2015/07/the-difference-between-male-and-female-narcissists/

Haslam, C., & Montrose, V. T. (2015). Should have known better: The
impact of mating experience and the desire for marriage upon attraction to
the narcissistic personality. Personality and Individual Differences, 82,
188-192. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.03.032
Haslam, C., & Montrose, V. T. (2015). Should have known better: The
impact of mating experience and the desire for marriage upon attraction to
the narcissistic personality. Personality and Individual Differences, 82,
188-192. doi:10.1016/j.paid.2015.03.032
Hinduja, S. & Patchin, J. W. (2010). Bullying, Cyberbullying, and Suicide.
Archives of Suicide Research, 14(3), 206-221.
Klein, S. (2013, April 19). Adrenaline, Cortisol, Norepinephrine: The
Three Major Stress Hormones, Explained. Retrieved from
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/04/19/adrenaline-cortisol-stress-
hormones_n_3112800.html Kreger, R. (2012, April 4). Why they can't feel
joy: Narcissistic shallow emotions. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-
eggshells/201204/why-they-cant-feel-joy-narcissistic-shallow-emotions.
Lazar, S. W., Kerr, C. E., Wasserman, R. H., Gray, J. R., Greve, D. N.,

Treadway, M. T., . . . Fischl, B. (2005). Meditation experience is

associated with increased cortical thickness. NeuroReport, 16(17), 1893-

1897. doi:10.1097/01.wnr.0000186598.66243.19

Lemonick, M. D. (2007, July 05). How We Get Addicted. Retrieved from

http://content.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1640436-3,00.html

Louis De Canonville, Christine (2015). The Three Faces of Evil:

Unmasking the Full Spectrum of Narcissistic Abuse, Black Card Books.

Marazziti, D., Akiskal, H. S., Rossi, A., & Cassano, G. B. (1999).

Alteration of the platelet serotonin transporter in romantic love.
Psychological Medicine Psychol. Med., 29(3), 741-745.
doi:10.1017/s0033291798007946
Marks, L. (2012). Narcissism and the male heart wound. Of Spirit:
Healing Body, Mind and Spirit. Retrieved from
http://www.ofspirit.com/lindamarks21.htm
Mayer, F.S., Frantz, C. M. P., Bruehlman-Senecal, E., & Doliver, K.
(2009). Why is nature beneficial? The role of connectedness in nature.
Environment and Behavior, 41, 607-643.
McGowan, K. (2004, November 1). Addiction: Pay Attention. Retrieved
from https://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200411/addiction-pay-
attention
Mental Health Daily. (2013). How To Overcome Adrenaline Addiction:
Tips From A Former Addict. Retrieved March 4, 2016, from
http://mentalhealthdaily.com/2013/03/02/how-to-overcome-adrenaline-
addiction-tips-from-a-former-addict/
Odendaal, J., & Meintjes, R. (2003). Neurophysiological Correlates of
Affiliative Behavior between Humans and Dogs. The Veterinary
Journal, 165(3), 296-301. doi:10.1016/s1090-0233(02)00237-x Palgi, S.,
Klein, E., & Shamay-Tsoory, S. G. (2016). Oxytocin improves compassion
toward women among patients with PTSD.Psychoneuroendocrinology, 64,
143-149. doi:10.1016/j.psyneuen.2015.11.008

Perry, B.D. (2000). Traumatized children: How childhood trauma
influences brain development. The Journal of the California Alliance for
the Mentally Ill 11:1, 48-51.
Reece, G. (2013, February 25). The Trauma Bond/Abusive Relationships.
Retrieved from http://garyreece.blogspot.com/2013/02/the-trauma-
bondabusive-relationships.html
Reinert, D. F. (2005). Spirituality, Self-Representations, and Attachment to
Parents: A Longitudinal Study of Roman Catholic College
Seminarians. Counseling and Values, 49(3), 226-238. doi:10.1002/j.2161-
007x.2005.tb01025.x Sethi, A., Gregory, S., Dell'acqua, F., Thomas, E. P.,
Simmons, A., Murphy, D. G., Craig, M. C. (2015). Emotional detachment
in psychopathy: Involvement of dorsal default-mode connections. Cortex,
62, 11-19. doi:10.1016/j.cortex.2014.07.018
Sieben, N. (2013, January 30). Stories of Healing Emotional Trauma in my
Acupuncture Clinic. Retrieved from http://blog.nicholassieben.com/?
p=379
Sherman, D. K., & Cohen, G. L. (2006). The psychology of self-defense:
Self-affirmation theory. In M. P. Zanna (Ed.) Advances in Experimental
Social Psychology, 38, 183-242. San Diego, CA: Academic Press.
Smithstein, S. (2010, April 19). Dopamine: Why It's So Hard to "Just Say
No" Retrieved from https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/what-the-
wild-things-are/201008/dopamine-why-its-so-hard-just-say-no Teicher, M.
(2006). Sticks, Stones, and Hurtful Words: Relative Effects of Various
Forms of Childhood Maltreatment. American Journal of Psychiatry Am J
Psychiatry, 163(6), 993. doi:10.1176/appi.ajp.163.6.993
Vaknin, S., & Rangelovska, L. (2007). Malignant self-love: Narcissism
revisited. Prague: Narcissus Publications.
Vaknin, S. (2012, April 25). Psychopathic Narcissists: The Uncanny
Valley of Cold Empathy. Retrieved April 11, 2016, from
https://samvaknin.wordpress.com/2012/04/25/psychopathic-narcissists-

the-uncanny-valley-of-cold-empathy/
Walker, P. (2013). Complex PTSD: From surviving to thriving: A guide
and map for recovering from childhood trauma. Azure Coyote Publishing.
Wlassoff, V., Ph.D. (2015, January 24). How Does Post-Traumatic Stress
Disorder Change the Brain? Retrieved from
http://brainblogger.com/2015/01/24/how-does-post-traumatic-stress-
disorder-change-the-brain/
Watson, R. (2014, October 14). Oxytocin: The Love and Trust Hormone
Can Be Deceptive. Retrieved from
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-and-
gratitude/201310/oxytocin-the-love-and-trust-hormone-can-be-deceptive

If you enjoyed this book and found it helpful, be sure
to leave an Amazon review or share the Amazon
page on social media so that other survivors can also
check it out!

About the Author



Shahida Arabi is the Amazon bestselling author of The Smart Girl’s Guide to
Self-Care and Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and
Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself, which was featured as a #1
Amazon Bestseller upon its pre-order release. She graduated summa cum laude
with a Master’s degree from Columbia University where she studied the effects
of bullying across the life-course trajectory.

As an undergraduate student at NYU, Shahida also studied English Literature
and Psychology and was President of its National Organization for Women
(NOW) chapter. She is the founder and editor of the blog, Self-Care Haven,
which has over 1.6 million views and has been shared worldwide in all 196
countries. Her viral blog entry, “Five Powerful Ways Abusive Narcissists Get
Inside Your Head,” has also been shared worldwide and her work has been
endorsed by numerous clinical psychologists, mental health practitioners,
bestselling authors, and award-winning bloggers.

Shahida is passionate about using her knowledge base in psychology, sociology,
gender studies and mental health advocacy, as well as her own personal
experiences, to help survivors of emotional and psychological trauma stage their
own recovery from abuse. Her writing has been featured on MOGUL,
Yoganonymous, Elephant Journal, Dollhouse Magazine, The West 4th Street
Review, Thought Catalog, the Feministing Community blog, author Lisa E.
Scott’s blog and Harvard-trained psychologist Dr. Monica O’Neal’s website.

She is currently working on her second book on narcissistic abuse and has a new
online monthly coaching program for survivors. She also hosts a
popular YouTube channel on narcissistic abuse.

Be sure to check out Shahida’s Social Media platforms:
Blog – www.selfcarehaven.wordpress.com
Website – www.selfcarehaven.wix.com/self-care-haven
Facebook Community – www.facebook.com/selfcarehaven
YouTube Channel – www.youtube.com/user/selfcarehaven
Twitter – www.twitter.com/selfcarehaven
Pinterest – www.pinterest.com/godlaughs/
Amazon - Amazon Author Page
Instagram – www.instagram.com/selfcarewarrior