The Queen’s Exhumation $ Donation | Wednesday, March 22, 2023 PROSH.com.au DONATIONS MADE TO PROSH IN 2023 WILL BE GOING TO FREEDOM CENTRE & DISMANLE. TO FIND OUT HOW YOUR DONATION WILL HELP THESE BENEFICIARIES - OR TO DONATE MORE - VISIT PROSH.COM.AU The sun never sets on the empire... PROSHUWA @PROSHUWA #PROSHUWA SINCE 1931 PROSH HAS TAKEN OVER THE STREETS OF PERTH TO RAISE MONEY FOR BENEFICIARIES - MAKING IT ONE OF THE BIGGEST ONE DAY CHARITABLE EVENTS IN AUSTRALIA. FIND OUT ABOUT THE HISTORY OF PROSH AND THE BENEFICIARIES WE HAVE SUPPORTED ON OUR WEBSITE. YOU THOUGHT IT WOULD BE THAT EASY? By Camilla P B The foetid hounds then went on to nip at the heels of, and eventually consume, the mercenaries. Travelling from her resting place to London central, the Queen then unhinged her jaw and released a plague of locusts that engulfed the entire country, blocking out the sun (normal UK weather). However, this swarm then spread across the world, making sure that the sun would never set on the British empire. In fact, it would never set again. The river Thames has now turned into blood (sewage already present) and is also overflowing with frogs (now covered in blood). Every living creature has been inflicted with pestilent lice and festering boils. Cows have been dropping dead and a thunderstorm of hail and fire can be seen looming over London. It’s pitch black and every single firstborn son is dying, the English are saying it’s, “quite a bit of a bother honestly, but I wouldn’t complain.” Queen Elizabeth the Second was resurrected last Friday in a thrilling series of events. Her Majesty passed away on the 8th of September last year, and since then a cult of royalists have been working to resurrect her. All seemed lost until the cult (headed by her son, Charles III) rummaged through some loose piles in the back of the British Museum and got his bloated hands on the Egyptian Book of the Dead. This wrenched her soul out of the hands of the God of the Dead, Osiris, and brought Her Wrinkliness back from the grave. According to those who managed to flee, Elizabeth dislocated her gaping maw and devoured the members of the cult whole, regenerating back parts of her skin and muscle. Charles III was spared as he was to serve at her side as her loyal pet. He was quoted as saying, “They said God save our Queen, so I did.” A group of brave mercenaries attempted to end her reign for the second time and send her back to the fiery pits she managed to escape, but bullets proved ineffective against Liz. She reportedly hissed a few words in a serpent-like tongue the eyewitnesses didn’t understand, and suddenly from the ground arose six ferocious, rotten corgis.
The Depar™ent of Health has been scrambling to figure out how to deal with the millions of excess RATs the State Government had ordered which are about to expire. Wading through the Scrooge McDuck-like vault at the head office to meet our reporters, we spoke to resident epidemiologist Amber-Slamber Jamberson about the possible avenues for RAT usage. After shaking multiple RATs out from their shoes they began to explain the various initiatives thought of by the Depar™ent of Health. After sheepishly admitting By RATatouille Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Discord Moderation Welcome To My Humble Home. Experts, Government, Puzzled Over Excess Rapid Antigen Tests Email PROSH@guild.uwa.edu.au Web www.PROSH.com.au Follow facebook.com/PROSHuwa Hashtag #PROSHUWA Pls take shoes off at da door. no one in the administration had thought to double check the population of Western Australia, Jamberson began to list the various initiatives implemented in dealing with the near unsolvable issue. “Well at first we tried throwing them out in the tip bin around the back, but due to budget cuts the council rates haven’t been paid so we don’t currently have an adequate nor routine means of waste disposal.” “Next, our brightest intern from UWA suggested we start flushing them down the toilets, which have since unfortunately backed up.” “When the hole in the wall we found filled up we really started to get creative.” “After dropping them into people’s shopping trolleys when they weren’t looking, they’ve been asking us what to actually do with them. We’ve since suggested using the lollipops from the saliva tests as actual lollipops, it’s the only flavour they’ll be able to afford once candy costs $20 anyway.” “A night ‘round the telly really inspired us. We contacted some execs on Channel 10 and we’ve managed to offload some into those MasterChef mystery box thingos.” “The brains at those Lib party think tanks proposed to privatise the problem by sending a pack of 20 to each citizen and letting them dispose of it in their own way. But that ultimately didn’t work because the 2 blokes over AusPost couldn’t drive ‘em out.” “And yes, before you mention we’ve also released recipe books, explored suppository elimination strategy, started to pave roads with them and given them to construction companies to use as building materials. We’ve even had to ship them to various landfills around our poorer neighbours in the Indo-Pacific, shame to see them go straight to landfill over there.” “Simply there is nothing else to do with all these unused RATs unfortunately.” ACKNOWLEDGMENT OF COUNTRY PROSH is privileged to be produced on Whadjuk Noongar Boodja We respectfully acknowledge the Whadjuk people of the Noongar nation as the rightful and traditional owners of the land on which we live, work, study, and create. We pay our respects to elders past, present, and emerging, and recognise their contributions to the continuing culture of the oldest ongoing civilisation, as well as the life of this city and this region. Sovereignty was never ceded; always was, always will be Aboriginal land. PROSH PROSH is a nearly centuryold tradition, where a group of stupid UWA students get together and write a completely serious newspaper with no jokes whatsoever, and donate all proceeds to charity. DISCLAIMER PROSH is written entirely satirically; nothing in this paper is meant to be taken as serious reflections of events, people, or the beliefs of any of the PROSH team. Except for one article, which is fully serious with no goofs or gags, but we’ll never tell you which one we mean. Also, this paper is for mature audiences only, so if you are a baby reading this, hell yeah little baby you’re cool as fuck. DONATIONS Do you have money? Why not apply the Marie Kondo technique and declutter your wallet space? Or do you hate charity? Huh? Are you some kind of charity hater? Do you really think a gold coin is enough to save you from hell? Hit up www.prosh.com.au to find out how you can donate today! FEEDBACK If you have any questions, queries, comments, concerns, or other remarks about, for example, how hot and sexy and cool you imagine the PROSH writers must be, feel free to send them along to: hello@guild.uwa.edu.au www.prosh.com.au Guild president M300, 35 Stirling Highway Crawley, WA 6050 If the matter is urgent, please call (08) 6488 2295 “Tastes just like mum used to make.” Visible Dry. Yes Odour. 4
Wednesday, March 22, 2023 GENERAL 3 The Ungodly Abomination By York Hunt Forget living close to the beach or near accessible public transport, what the people really want is a freezing cold enclosed dome where they can don boots with blades and slide around. Whilst your usual skating rink is built of ice (frozen water) the new Council development will be constructed using ICE (methamphetamine) as the skating surface, shifting the goal from keeping kids off of drugs to getting kids on top of them. The council hopes that the success of this project will act as a blueprint to bring ICE centres all over the state. The brilliant plan for Summer 2024 was announced this week by the City as they entered the next phase of their governmentsponsored gentrification scheme, which aims to take the suburb from drug hotspot to middle-class utopia. Details of how the ICE will be obtained have not been disclosed but PROSH suspects that the police will exceed their powers no more BREAKING: Anthony Albanese has been reported missing by police after last being seen at Rockingham beach during a visit to Mark McGowan’s electorate. Unfortunately, after a furious stroll up and down the beach, followed by a squinted glare towards the horizon, the police called off the search late Friday afternoon. Procedures are underway in the party room to quickly replace the missing leader. Some members of the public theorise he might have been taken than normal to obtain the material. The proposed site for the ICE Centre would see space reclaimed from Pewington Reserve — the area’s largest bush reserve. The Mayor stated that young families have no desire for green space and the land was currently wasted as “nothing more than a place to walk dogs or a get-high-hideout”. The council has promised that it will retain ownership of the ICE Centre, citing the importance of publicly owned facilities and the responsibility of local government to provide activities for families in their community, for a skate hire and session fee. The council indicated that any funds raised will be exclusively directed to obtaining more ICE for… reasons. So buckle-up, or better yet laceup, as this project unfolds and the City of yesteryear fades into planned obsolescence. Rocko ICE Rink Plan announced to “get drugs off the street and under kids’ feet” Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me Anthony Albanese goes missing in ocean under mysterious circumstances. by a Chinese submarine — similar to ex-prime minister Harold Holt, others believe he just drowned himself after being forced to go to WA. “What the fuck guys, again?” bellowed God and the international community following this shock announcement. The subsequent unanimous UN resolution was to “put Australia in the naughty corner” until we “learnt how to look after something properly.” More to come. By Miss Information
4 Ye olde timey Prosh articles uncovered NEWS Wednesday, March 22, 2023 Your Mother’s Insemination By Anita Dicken Me By Dick Wolf By Eli Tekhunt Sky-rocketing rental prices can make finding stable accommodation feel like mission impossible, especially as a student. We have endeavoured to address this and have surveyed the UWA campus to find the best affordable housing alternatives for students! 1. Vice Chancellor’s Office We are starting off with some prime real estate located within Amit’s personal workplace! While we don’t condone trespassing, we do condone accessible and affordable housing. And what’s more accessible and affordable than free on campus parking bundled with this wonderful opportunity? 2. Reid Library The perfect option for the workaholic, why not make your cage more homely? What are they going to do, kick you out? This is your house now king! With built-in toilets, showers, food and a balcony view over some of UWA’s top ovals, this multilevel complex allows students the The City of Cockburn has today confirmed that it will be changing the City’s formal name, due to the constant juvenile jokes made about its current name. A spokesperson from the City council said the following in a recent press release: “We are extremely proud of our City and all that we continue to achieve together. However, we are sick of these assholes coming by [and] saying our name in the form of a joke, ‘haha Cockburn’. Therefore, in a snap council meeting last night, we unanimously voted to change the name of the City to something more welcoming, and of course, less of a joke.” The name Cockburn, according The elite, membership-only warehouse store Costco has been dealt a devastating blow by Australia’s worsening economic conditions, being forced to finally increase the price of their legendary hot dog + drink combo from AUD $1.99 to $2.00. With the Costco co-founder Jim Senegal once saying, “If you raise the fucking hot dog [price], I will kill you,” to CEO Craig Jelinek it is clear that it’s dark times for Costco, and that Craig Jelinek’s life is in grave danger. Families have been hit hard by this recent news, having to resort to just buying the hot dog without the drink (incl. free refill). Dark times indeed. Today’s news has made it all the way to Reserve Bank of Australia Governor Phillip Lowe, who finally admitted that the RBA has gone too far with their interest rate hikes, remarking, “I love that hot dog deal, I have one every time my butler returns with my daily Costco order. Interest rates are going down right now, and that’s that”. Mr. Lowe’s actions will likely lead to an inflationary recession, so you have him to thank when tomorrow the hot dog combo costs $20 and your first born child. UWA Rental Market Guide 2023 City of Cockburn Changes Name to Prevent Further Juvenile Jokes Inflation hits Perth Costco hard with dramatic increase of hot dog + drink combo from $1.99 to $2.00 Top 3 Student priced properties arfarfan’arf back slang it. option to live in the lively, bustling newtown urban development of the ground floor, or relax in the secluded sticky corners of the 3rd floor for some alone time. 3. Someone Else’s Car Ever seen a car on campus and thought ‘hey, that looks pretty cosy’? Well, you can now live in any car as long as you have the key (large rock). This option may involve some compromising with the initial owner, insurance companies and law enforcement, but once you are settled in, it will be perfect. Try and aim for cars with parking permits, as you then don’t have to pay for parking. A win-win! We hope that this has helped you discover alternative options for housing around the UWA campus that won’t cost your firstborn child. Remember that the law allows a select few to own multiple properties, rather than allowing the right for everyone to own a property — so at this point, just fucking take it! to Wikipedia, is named after the Cockburn Sound inlet in the Indian Ocean. The new name that the City chose is instead derived from a famous WA fisherman, who lived in the City before tragically dying of a combination of a UTI, yeast infection, and syphilis. Due to this extreme combination of diseases the fisherman was nicknamed Dickscorch, which the City has now heralded as its new name. In yet another press conference the Mayor of Dickscorch, Richard Cheese, said that the City was overjoyed by the new name, “Dickscorch is a beloved figure in our City’s history, and we are delighted to have a new name for our City that reflects a more mature, welcoming, and less humorous name.” The Mayor was subsequently briefed after the press conference, quickly realising the grave error in judgement they had made. (Prosh is in no way sponsored by the Costco Wholesale Corporation but if you are a representative and would like to talk, our email is prosh@guild.uwa. edu.au) By Engleburt Humbledink Recent excavation has revealed a cache of articles produced by the precursor offices of Prosh in 1832 in Victorian England. The former parent company of Prosh split equity and dissolved into its various subsidiaries such as The Sun, The West Australian and The Geraldton Guardian in 1835. For the sake of conservation (and FOI legislation) these uncovered documents herein will be made public and published in chronological order. The following was written by Blanket Hornpipe in an article titled, “Antique Lobster Kettle Brush Unearthed.” Two people became the talk of the town recently when they bricky afternoonied rambunctiously and batty-fanged doing the bear in the wee hours of the morning. Neighbours umble-cumstumbled the situation early in the morning on the benjo of Chris™as with a fine family beneath stating that they were blowing the grounsils and knocking plaster mouldings off the wall. Local churchbell Mrs. Clicket, glinting with gigglemug, recounted the convivial society above. “Oi made a stuffed bird laugh what those whooperups were doin last night sounded like he copped a mouse after a bubble around in the sauce-box, must be right poked up now.” Clicket then remarked that it was “probably orf chump for those bags o’ mystery!” “Or more likely after arfarfan’arf back slang it.” Prosh nerds (historians) have been unable to decode the article, but assume it relates to the modern equivalent of ‘being folded like origami’.
5 Wednesday, March 22, 2023 POLITICS (great for family dinner) The One Nation By Zark Muckerberg By Taint Impaler By Diana Betic Literally what the fuck do they even do apart from partially inform me what each colour of bin means. Sometimes I get a nice lil food truck event once a year. But apart from that, what does local government even do? No amount of year 8 HASS classes could convince me that this level Forward-thinking cryogenics company Southern Cryo recently opened up a new storage facility in NSW. This of course, caused a surge of weird little freaks who desire to plague this earth well beyond what is considered natural, and crawl out of the woodworks when we’re all dead and buried. While we’ve all had to just tolerate this in the past, people have begun to push the limits of who — or what — could be frozen. A Kelmscott Senior High School KFC Krusher mix to be cryogenically preserved Day 36: I have gained their trust What the fuck does local government even do? i have gained their trust i have now spent over a month pretending i can see and i have finally gained their full trust im making eye contact i have managed to pass off my sonar clicking merely being annoyed i can tell when they are looking at me as i can feel their breath on my skin when i accidentally licked that guy i had to pass it off as aggresive flirting i am close to acquiring the cfj class d laser and our ultimate plan will be manifest in no time student and fast food worker was one of many individuals who brought forth some of the more questionable suggestions for what should last the test of time. Ollie shared with us that he managed to save a bag of KFC’s discontinued Krusher mix from being discarded in 2019. He and his mates agreed that this fast food treat was a true “Aussie icon” and thus is more than worthy of having an eternal place in the cryogenic freezer. We are still waiting to hear from the team at Southern Cryo about whether they can ethically toss one of the poorer old hags out of the freezer to make room for this delicious treat. However, Prosh’s confidential source (who wished to remain anonymous) in the business says, “I, Peter Ian Staker, believe the board will make the decision to toss out Gina Rinehart’s decrepit corpse and replace it with the Cookies and Cream Krusher mix.” So it will be up to you, dear reader, to draw your own conclusions. of government holds any relevant influence. What are they gonna do, give me parking tickets until we can afford another shitty sport centre that nobody can afford to go to and nobody can be fucked to upkeep? It seems like we just took school leaders a little bit too far, and now they’re getting paid to be cunts.
69 Young men resort to forming relationships with ChatGPT after failing to have rizz, study finds SCIENCE Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The ai Generation By Tro Tzki By Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Chug Biotech company Bezos Unlimited, recently announced a new neurological implant to block Socialist Alternative members from your vision and hearing. The chips rest on your temporal and occipital lobe, and as signals from your eyes and ears are sent to their respective places in your brain, the chip scans these signals. Then, through nanoprocessors, they intercept signals relating to members of Socialist Alliance (such as seeing them in Reid and hearing them asking you dumbfuck questions like ‘Are you an anticapitalist?’ ‘Don’t you have any compassion?’ and ‘Have you taken time out of your day to think about asylum seekers?’) and stop them from being processed, effectively ChatGPT simulates conversations that are meant to replicate the ones young men might be having in real life and has become wildly popular among them. However, some might say the technology has gone too far, with many of these young men forming relationshiplike attachments to the AI. “It doesn’t have any of those icky emotions and demands for rights like human females have,” said 19-year-old computer science A new revolutionary procedure pioneered by a joint working group of UEC-affiliated engineering students and the Australian Medical Association (AMA) has achieved the fusion of metal and bone last week. After an announcement by the working group, PROSH reporters interviewed the leading researcher in the study, Professor Cent TuRion. “Fuck oath aye right I was right on tha piss ‘n’ I saw a mate tryin’ to gnaw off a bloody bottle top and I showed em ‘ow it was done with my ring. Old mate exclaimed removing them from your sight and hearing. No longer will you have to be lectured about the failures of capitalism and why revolution is the only path forward, instead enjoy a peaceful daily journey past Reid Library. Relax knowing you don’t need to even look at their pasty, Subiaco-raised faces. Reportedly, Bezos Unlimited is also looking at creating an update in time for Guild elections in September to make sure that your usual path by Reid isn’t disturbed by useless egotists shouting at you. However, you’ll still be on your own in the online realm when that random person who only came to your first tute then vanished, messages you on Facebook telling you about some scandal they invented. TECHNOLOGY & Neurological implant created to automatically block Socialist Alternative from your vision, hearing First Successful Graft of Bottle Opener to Thumb Bone student Bench Appearo. The group of young men most at risk are the ‘where my hug ats’, who have been found to be reciprocated with 0% of hugs they ask for, and thus 0% sex, and 0% babies, a study by the Australian Institute for Touching Grass found. They ranked just ahead of ‘people who wear cross-bodies’ and ‘rat-tail-havers’. These groups have seen massive increases in traffic to ChatGPT and other textbased AI services. Numerous long-term studies are currently “The fuck hoop u got hanging off ya?” before he passed out. I reckon he was seeing crosseyed but fuck that gave me an idea.” This cyborg-like circular metal attachment is coated in a ‘mysterious wax’ and is fixed to the bone. After staring at our reporters for some time when asked how they prevented the body from rejecting the affixation to the Proximal Phalanx, the head researchers simply shrugged and stated that “a few beers probs killed the dirt [and suppressed the immunological T-cell response] or whatevers.” being conducted to research this problem, but the people want to know if there are any solutions already on the way. We interviewed Cim Jhalmers (The Federal Treasurer), and here’s what he has to say: “After much deliberation with the Federal Education Depar™ent, we have abandoned all funding for cost-of-living related measures, and instead put it towards this.” It seems there is still hope after all. No further people allowed us to interview them. “Oh, Zucky. I didn’t see SCIENCE you there...” By Master Bation
USA Plans to Nuke Themselves Out of Recession China Expands artificial islands; Creates 2wan 2furious By Martin Lockheed By Fawkes Off By Spookledink Fingleberry Representatives from Babylon, Alexandria, Eden have made calls to social media giants Instagram and Tiktok to somehow stop the tendency of influencers on the platform to ruin the tourist destinations they put so much effort into maintaining. The Library of Alexandria, containing an unparalleled amount of human knowledge including some of the earliest works of writing of ancient Roman and Greek peoples, burned down last week when a TikToker made a video about “not doing what the man says, and taking advantage of our God-given right to smoke.” The Garden of Eden was taken away in a similar manner, with the two inhabitants living there having to flee from the blaze. The acropolis at Athens was almost destroyed by the ‘Dynamite challenge’ from Instagram, and the city of Atlantis was flooded when influencers left all the taps on as a ‘prank’. Instagram and Tiktok declined to comment. I mean, seriously, we all know that no one actually talks like that, so this brave reporter decided to find out. I started by stalking my British friend, Brabbledydook Muldersnatch Upon Thames the Third. He has that weird accent when you’re around him, saying ‘shedule’, ‘chewsday’ and still referring to Australia as ‘the colonies’. So the other day I followed him back to his Subiaco home in an attempt to find out if it was an all act. As he retreated inside I took my hiding place near one of his windows, my ear near the glass, hoping to hear him. Among his massive piles of tea, crumpets and marmite, taking off his top hat, monocle and three-piece suit, he proclaimed, “Fuck am I chuffed I don’t have to put on that dumbcunt voice anymore, bloody oath.” I am happy to say I have found the truth. Journalism has never been braver. International tourist destinations destroyed by influencers incl. the Garden of Eden Do British ‘people’ still talk like that when there’s no one else around? Fortnite Battle Royal The only thing that come’s to mind right now is how close to the paper dealine line we got... WORLD Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Wet Australian 7 Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au America’s debt is now six times what it was at the start of the 21st century, ballooning to 31 trillion dollars (USD). Congress must once again butt heads over raising the debt ceiling even further, and shutting down all but essential CIA-centric government functions. Marjorie Taylor Green, a notorious far-right conspiracy theorist and the sanest person in Georgia, piped up after 5 hours of furious tweeting and sneering in the house to suggest a revolutionary idea, on the level of Roosevelt’s New Deal. “I’m gonna fuckin’ nuke California those frog-fucking election-stealing lizard cunts.” And I think she’s right. Those 5 hours of deep and introspective thought culminated in possibly the cure to almost all of America’s economic ailments. I have since contacted the President and he has penned a letter to a jubilant congress: that we should nuke America out of the recession. GDP is a reliable and well known measure of economic output, economies live or die on their respective overall economic output. Recently, economists have noticed that GDP actually increases in a region after a natural disaster, due to increased government and private sector inves™ent into the affected area. We are not god; but god didn’t have nukes. If utilised correctly, tactically nuking every US population centre should completely erase all accrued debt and kickstart the economy. Biden has called upon the international community to realise America’s vision and, uncharacteristically, Putin has gleefully agreed to assist the States, courteously remarking “Вы глупые жирные а м е р и к а н с к и е свиньи” after the productive call to local state media. We didn’t bother to contact any US official as we don’t particularly care. By Peter The Hutt-on ranges, rainforests, and arable land percentage. China expects the entire population of Taiwan to relocate to the new, almost identical island once the hydrocarbon deposits have been depleted. This new island has been colloquially coined as “2wan 2furious” in the international community. Taiwanese officials have dismissed the proposition from the mainland government, questioning the reasoning for the ‘swap.’ Taiwanese diplomats have stated their sincere confusion at the plan, with one stating that “if you already rebuilt Taiwan, why don’t you just keep that one?” The CCP hopes the move will enable them to build even more islands, such as a replica of Japan (Project title, China: Tokyo Drift) as well as America (Project title, China: Road Chip). Experts at various Chinese Communist Party (CCP) thinktanks have published their breakthrough plans on how they will move to consolidate territorial claims in the South China Sea. The top engineers within the regime plan to allow greater access to the vast hydrocarbon deposits located underneath the shallow sea and cement territorial claims. Chinese dredge ships had begun to build artificial islands ever more distant from the mainland during the pandemic, when international shipping slowed. This initiative has been so successful and popular, that the islands have combined Power Ranger-style into a landmass comparable to the size of Taiwan. This faithfully recreated artificial landmass shares an exact replication of Taiwan’s geography, climatic condition, mountain Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Cock Exsanguination WORLD Milk with pulp
8 POLITICS Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Dick Investigation POLITICS Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Ukrainian Invasion 7 Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au By Jessie Pinkman By Jim Halpert In breaking news on the war front, drugs have just concluded a peace conference with their opponents: the United Prison Workers Syndicate and the Combined Police Force Committee. Finally bringing an end to the record 50+ year guerilla campaign initiated by President Ronald Reagan. Speaking from 3828 Piedmont Drive, Albuquerque, New Mexico, Minister for Gear, Walter White, explained in an official press conference this morning the terms of the new peace treaty, which With the recent resignation of New Zealand Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern, the world is looking forward to who will fill her shoes. Chris Hipkins, the new leader of the Labor party in NZ, has stepped up officially but the world waits with bated breath to see if he’ll just be another polly, or the internationally revered icon Ardern turned out to be. At home, however, UWA political science student Knott Morrison (19) has put his hand up. Announcing his Prime Ministerial run, Knott said “Yeah throw me in there, I reckon I could get it done, how bloody big is New Zealand anyway?” When queried about why Drugs win war on drugs, Annex Crimea. UWA Political Science Student Says “Could Totally Replace Jacinda Ardern” involved massive reparations (for the construction of ‘shootingup shacks’ and grow sheds), ideological reform, and the ceding of Crimea to direct administrative control of Drugs. Comment was obtained from a Kremlin representative regarding Russia’s decision, who stated “Fuck man, yeah that’s great… hahaha…. You wanna grab some borscht? I’m mad hungry.” Prosh journalists tried to get the representative back on track, but he reportedly just giggled for 10 minutes and told them to “chill out man.” The international community is still flabbergasted by this development, with experts in foreign policy struggling to explain how Drugs could so swiftly create a peace treaty, and annexing completely uninvolved European land in the process. Drug representative P. Escobar said the land would be used for “agricultural” and “pharmaceutical manufacturing” purposes. Professor of Drug Studies Jesse Pinkman explained the events as follows: “it’s geopolitics bitch!” Cat Found To Be Behind Slew of Criminal Constructions 18 Daming Documents Found After FBI Raid on Ram Ranch By Meowow Mowoweow In recent months disturbing reports have emerged of a vigilante breaking into the sites of government construction projects and completing the works on — or even ahead of — schedule (including the MorleyEllenbrook Line, a new hospital and the Thornlie-Cockburn Link). The Albanese government has been in shambles as one of the foundational pillars of our political institution has been shattered by this mystery criminal — the principle of never being on time. The fuel of politics has always been empty promises and delayed gratification, with the Prime Minister stating in a press conference, “fuck, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do anymore, I might as well just resign.” Though it seems he may not get the chance, there have been whispers that for the first time since the Whi™an government the Governor General is considering dissolving Parliament, with Hurley stating, “If they’re not making sure every project takes 20 years more than they should to complete then what’s the fucking point of ‘em?” A sting operation set up at the site of the future Rockingham ICE rink last weekend finally caught the culprit behind this chaos redhanded, or rather red-pawed. In spite of speculation that a large group of rogue tradies was behind the attacks, the true culprit was far furrier and more ferocious — a lone pet cat by the name Liadan. Police reportedly captured the suspect by going ‘Pspspspsps’. We are still unsure as to her reasons why, as the WA Police Depar™ent does not maintain a translator fluent in meow. WA Minister for Transport Rita Saffioti and Minister for Health Amber-Jade Sanderson have both reportedly begun going to therapy and BeyondBlue has been inundated with calls from panicked politicians and bureaucrats. Our correspondents in New South Wales and Victoria report similar circumstances. Whilst PROSH is in full support of the action this adorable criminal has taken, we feel the need to point out that she was very irresponsible with workplace safety. For all her skill in concreting, wiring, and plumbing, she still can’t work out how to wear a hard hat properly. In a statement made by the Attorney General they confirmed that Liadan would likely be sentenced to life in jail (this author’s house) with daily hard labour (begging for pats) and community service (a unpaid nationwide ad campaign demonstrating how to wear PPE properly on construction sites). he chose to run for the leader of a country he both has never been to, and doesn’t have citizenship for, Knott said his education in political theory from online personalities “such as Sargon of Akkad and Three Arrows” was “probably enough.” Knott has since reportedly begun rewatching Lord of the Rings and ‘various Taika Waititi films’ to familiarise himself with New Zealand culture. Speaking further about his election promises, Knott declared a full review of laws relating to animal abuse with a special interest in sheep, saying, “this government red tape surrounding our businesses is choking them half to death.”
Wednesday, March 22, 2023 POLITICS 8 The Undue Litigation (Please don’t sue us) By Nine Twelve By Gulia Lillard By Cloves D Borders Prosh has learned that newly appointed Ambassador to the US, Kevin ‘07 has started a new side venture right here in Australia with famed superhero Kevin 11. It seems that would-be criminals are running scared from the superior intellect of Kevin and unrivalled skill of the other, Kevin. The Kevin 11 and Kevin 07 team up to solve crimes. “We do a little bit of trolling” Says George Bush in new memoir about the Iraq War In his latest memoir, The Burning Bush, former United States President George Bush relates the tale of how the US government’s false claim of ‘weapons of mass destruction’ being stored in Iraq was “just a prank; lol.” The story goes: in the aftermath of the September Eleven attacks the US government, in an attempt to justify an invasion of Iraq, contrived the threat of Iraq’s possession of WMDs. Bush, however, contraveningly states that it was actually all just a bunch of jeeps and japes, and that he likes to “get a little bit silly with it you know.” Famous prankster Scott Tweedy (of Prank Patrol) says he was impressed with the prank, “That’s a real ripper, I bet they were laughing their heads off when they found out.” Prosh attempted to reach out to some victims of the Iraq war but received no comment. Mark McGowan resorts to live streaming to fund cost-of-living relief Subscribe: to BigMarkyG at twitch.wa.gov.au/depar™entofPaC Last week Mark McGowan held his first online stream on streaming platform Twitch to help raise money to solve the cost-of-living crisis. Modern problems require modern solutions, and BigMarkyG (as he’s known on the website) solution is to show off his luscious tits (in a manner that perfectly aligns with the terms of service of the website). McGowan has been doing variety content, such as ASMR, which is the process of talking into a microphone, saying soothing things to the viewers and making sounds which are sonically pleasing. While wearing just a bikini, McGowan said, “I’ll keep you safe and strong WA, don’t worry.” Funds have been latest crime statistics have shown that violent crime is down 94% in Australia with 80% of offenders surrendering themselves to the police within 24hrs of the agency’s launch, many of whom were quoted saying “20 years in prison is preferable to facing the wrath of the Kevins.” In related news, Kevin ‘06 recently requested protective custody in response to Kevin ‘09 going missing over the weekend, Reports state Kevin ‘07 looks ‘remarkably satiated’; ‘skipping meals’. pouring through, with many big names participating to see more, and to gain the rewards McGowan is offering for big donors (rewards include Mark writing the donor’s name on his body, Mark doing a set amount of squats or jumping jacks, or simply the joy of him reading out your message). Even Mark’s old enemies have changed sides to support this initiative, with Clive Palmer donating $50, his donation message saying “Pls come to queensland im fucking begging you.” This brave reporter attempted to see how far Mark would go for a donation but he ignored all 10 of my donations and I got banned from chat for calling him a ‘bitch’. Lost a tier 3 subscriber. No more to come.
10 By Bibble By Jerry Atric There is an abomination in the Night Garden, and its name is Makka Pakka. This giant walking pimple is the absolute embodiment of everything that has ever been wrong on this Earth. He looks like a testicular botox injection gone wrong, and probably smells like God I LOVE wasting petrol I actively take the long-route to places, permanently idling my car does not burn nearly enough I have my 2-tonne SUV that has never touched dirty running on four ancient energy intensive treadmills increasing and decreasing speed simply to have to burn more fuel to get the car back up to speed, I actively poke holes in the fuel tank for it to leak and it’s fed directly by an oil refinery in my back yard. The car then powers my expansive house and crypto mine and I leave the freezer door open as is my God-given right as a MAN. Yours sincerely, O. Peck Hey Girl!! I was just stalking you on Facebook and realised we haven’t spoken since High School!! How have you been? Omg you were always so quiet!! Haha remember when we used to play pranks on each other!! I still remember I pranked you by putting a used pad in your lunchbox and you pranked me back by telling the teacher!! You got me good! I’d absolutely LOVE to catch up soon, but I’ve been soooo caught up in this new side project I’ve been working on!!! And tbh girl, I think you would be the perfect fit for it!! I’m part of this super cool startup called SP D Up We mainly focus on promoting healthy lifestyles, and helping everyday people connect with their inner selves We make these diet pills that you can sell from your phone for super cheap!! It’s normally $99 to join, but if you join with me with my link here https:// bitly.com/98K8eH you can get a personal discount for $20 right now!! Hmu if you’re interested girlie!!!! Can’t wait to start working with you!!!!! So recently I came across this thing called Pinterest and its basically Instagram but with way more rule 34 entries. So it’s Instagram… but better. One thing that I’ve seen a lot of traction for on the app is this thing called ‘Pinterest hands’. Essentially, they’re hella fucking veiny hands that are positioned in a way much like that of a Lego character. Now, there are so many of these pictures, some with thousands of likes, so people must like this. On a side note, a few years ago my grandmother took the L and my grandpa has been wanting to Bad Grandpa his shit up in the geriatric ward ever since. So it occurred to me… What if I hypothetically took photos of the varicose veins in his hands and arms and posted them to Pinterest? Sure enough people couldn’t tell the difference. I also began showing the photos to the other patients in his ward and they couldn’t get enough. The old stallion’s got a ‘meetup’ with Margaret next Monday in the piano lounge at 5pm (his bedtime is 6pm), as well as a coke sesh with Janet and Gareth in room 4B next Wednesday. #slaygrandpa #victoryaftervietnam #deadwife LETTERS TO THE EDITORS I FUCKING HATE MAKKA PAKKA If Pinterest Hands are so Hot, why doesn’t my Grandpa in the Geriatrics Ward get all the Bitches? MESSAGE FROM Keightlynne Smith Actually fuck PROSH! Last year you said some wack shit about my boy Bibble. I want to let the editors know that you’re actually fucked, cunts. As a member of the Westside Bibbs, I don’t respond kindly to some of the shit you pulled. Spouting shit like “He lacks drive” and “What even the fuck is this thing,” are actually, DEADASS not fucking funny. I’ve seen this motherfucker pack cocaine like I pack your mum’s ass. And FYI, he’s a fucking furry. Me and the homies love the furry movement so fuck your golden triangle, Tav Wednesdays, sundowner-loving asses. Lock your doors. We’re coming for you. Actually Fuck Prosh With your panties on and one without them on? Can I also get three different pictures of your booty in any position? Can I get a pic of you doing a kissing face but also with your boobs in it? Can I also get a pic of your pussy and ass from behind in one shot? Can I also get a pic of your full front body in just a bra and panties? And can I also get a pic of your boobs while you’re in the shower? What you won’t? You’re such a stupid bitch! I was a perfect gentleman. Chivalry is dead because of women like you. King Elon was right. Haha I was just joking. Send me a pic of your tits. It’s water under the booty bridge. You Wouldn’t Send a Booty Pic Snowflake Lefties Eat Shit OPIINION Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The King Charles Coronation 7 Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au OPINION Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The UWA Degredation beady eyes and deposit his rancid bodily fluids all over everything you know and love. When he’s not pissing on the Pontipines, he’s running over Tombliboos. Did you know there used to be four Tombliboos? Makka Pakka did a drive by in its fucking Ninky Nonk just out of pure spite. You cannot fathom how much I fucking hate Makka Pakka. Your mere existence is proof that there’s no God – and if there ever was one, you have already killed him. If I was in a room with Hitler, Bin Laden, and Makka Pakka, and I had a gun with two bullets, I would shoot myself twice. Purely so I wouldn’t have to listen to that stupid fucking trumpet. He deserves no mercy. He is the definition of dread and I’ll be glad when he finally meets his gruesome death. one too. Makka Pakka buys clothes from Shein purely for the thrill of sending it all to landfill. Makka Pakka had sex with my mom and then never called her back. One time I asked Makka Pakka to hold my beer, and he fucking drank it. I heard his family moved to the Night Garden from South Africa in the 90s - something about ‘cultural differences’. This asshole has never felt shame or remorse in his life. Makka Pakka would steal your balls when you’re asleep and add them to his rock collection. Makka Pakka would piss in your kitchen sink even when there’s an empty toilet nearby. He would look you right in the eyes with his soulless
11 DISCLAIMER PROSH is written entirely satirically; nothing in this paper is meant to be taken as serious reflections of events, people, or the beliefs of any of the PROSH team. Except for one article, which is fully serious with no goofs or gags, but we’ll never tell you which one we mean. Also, this paper is for mature audiences only, so if you are a baby reading this, hell yeah little baby you’re cool as fuck. FEEDBACK If you have any questions, queries, comments, concerns, or other remarks about, for example, how hot and sexy and cool you imagine the PROSH writers must be, feel free to send them along to: hello@guild.uwa.edu.au www.prosh.com.au Guild president M300, 35 Stirling Highway Crawley, WA 6050 If the matter is urgent, please call (08) 6488 2295 Go to www.PROSH.com.au Email PROSH@guild.uwa.edu.au EDITORS DIRECTORS HEAD DESIGNER Hi! I’m Lauren and I’m so honoured to have been the 2023 PROSH Head Marshal. I’d just love to say how proud I am of Matt, Paris, Perry, Seren, and all the other members of the PROSH team, and how thankful I am to have been able to work with such a wild and wonderful group of folks for my last PROSH. Special thanks to all my club kids who’ve prepared me to organise and herd so many tired idiots, and to Jacob for first pulling me into the PROSH blackhole way back in 2018. I’m a celebrity, get me out of here. Zoe THIS IS SARCASM. Democracy dies in darkness, and I am happy to be a cog in the lighthouse that keeps it alive. THIS IS SARCASM. Seren Being Co-director of PROSH has always been in the back of my mind, I’m so glad I could be apart of such an amazing event. A big thank you to the entire team who have had my back and helped produce something really special. When I told my dad I was directing PROSH he said “Well that’s a shame.” And looking back now he was dead right but also completely wrong. You know what they say, “If it isn’t broke, break it and see what happens.” 2017 Bachelor Matty J. After 5 insane years of PROSH — 2 as a subeditor, 2 as co-editor, and now 1 as co-director — I’m ready to disappear and never be seen again. If you hear strange noises at night, don’t look under your bed. I’ll leave a PROSH under your pillow in exchange for some teeth (don’t worry, you won’t feel a thing). Call me a sort of tooth fairy, if you will. No need to thank me. xoxo, PROSH Mum P.S So so proud of my team and thankful to have had them by my side these past few months <3 May PROSH continue to run through your veins as it has in mine. Paris When I was but a wee little lad my father dearest would return from the hunt and feed his family with this peculiar newspaper once per year. I did not fully comprehend the magnitude that this paper would have on my life at this point. As soon as I knew it, I was going on dates with PROSH, heck I was even traveling the world together. PROSH and I have since settled down together and reared a flock of darling children since those rambunctious days, and even in my old age I can happily look back upon a life well lived. Perry MARSHALL I am Zoe. I am the head designer. I contain multitudes. When I fail my units this semester it will have been because the middle pages sucked the life out of me and I absolutely let it. Do Prosh its fun. I think my AirPods are on the UWA ref roof. Thanks for vibing and keeping it tight. Catch me on my mobile. Lauren FB.COM/PROSHUWA @PROSHUWA #PROSHUWA SPONSORS At this point in time the directcors have not supplied these sponsors. We wish to thank everyone who contributed and helped out to make this fantastic day. BENEFICIARIES KIND REGARDS Geemal J, Tony G, Clare M, Renee N, Caitlin M, Jasmine K, Jack S, Leigh C, Georgia M, Kelvin L, Gus P, Ray J, Fernanda C, Curtis W, and all of the staff at the UWA Student Guild who helped us make PROSH happen! A massive thank you to Xander S, the Guild Graphic Designer – we couldn’t have done it without you! COMMITTEE LAYOUT PROSH Committee, Jacob, Huayan, Jelena, Zoe, Katerina, Curtis, Ben, Nili, Annelise, Jake, Matthew. Sam JUST REGARDS Jenna Clarke, Fkn Beatrix, That is all, Secretary: Eliesha Subeditors: Alicia, Arabella, Armita, Alexie, Jacob, Patrick, Yara, Zach Designers: Zoe, Savannah Dismantling disadvantage. Building young futures. Dismantle’s mission is to empower WA’s vulnerable young people to overcome socio-inherited hurdles in their critical years to break the cycle of welfare dependency and social disadvantage. Operating out of Perth, we offer programs to mentor, train, and employ young people aged 15-25 years who are atrisk of long-term disengagement and unemployment. BikeRescue, our outreach program, uses bicycle mechanics to connect with and mentor young people who show signs of disengaging from school and the workforce. ReNew Property Maintenance is our social enterprise that provides young people with an immediate stable income alongside case management support to meet personal physiological and safety needs. This minimises the risks faced by young Western Australians and lays the foundations for personal growth, independence, and long-term success. DISMANTLE Freedom is a culmination of all of the WA Aids Council (WAAC)’s LGBTIQA+ youth support services which are delivered in Perth metro and in regional WA. Freedom is primarily funded by the Mental Health Commission to prevent mental illness and promote mental health and wellbeing for LGBTIQA+ young people. This means that our focus is on education and prevention around mental health and sexual health. We do this by providing support and information, and by maintaining a safe social space with healthy attitudes towards sexuality, gender, sex, respect, empowerment, self-esteem, and education. Freedom has and will continue to develop, change and grow over time to service the needs of the community. FREEDOM CENTRE Video Editor: Wyatt, Bayley Gen. Marshals: Hope, Daniel, Tom Clubs Rep: Will Fresher Rep: Drew
WHERE ARE MY TAX DOLL
LLARS
Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Captipl Insurrection dismay
By Hue More Fifty Shades of Grey: The Musical is the long-awaited Broadway production that brings the wildly popular erotic book series to life with a musical twist as it explores Anastasia Steele’s and Christian Grey’s unconventional relationship with and none of exthe abuse. Each onstage orgasm was accompanied by an intense crescendo from onstage choir, and a dazzling display of pyrotechnics and disco lights. But what really pulls the whole thing together is the array of frenzied background dancers leaping and somersaulting through the air in sync with the lead characters’ sexual proclivities. The hidden live band gave a rich, dynamic performance of the show’s critically acclaimed musical score composed by Hans Zimmer, featuring hit musical numbers such as “The Sound of Spanking” and “Oh What a Beautiful Moaning”, plus an unexpected rendition of Toxic by Britney Spears which had the entire audience waving their phone lights in the air TAME IMPALA FOUND TO ACTUALLY BE TWO GUYS MEN WHITE WOMEN WANT TIER LIST MAKER REVIEW: Fifty Shades of Grey: The Musical Are they actually hot? Or is everyone smoking weed and balls? Rate the hunks below (if you’re a straight man, gay woman, gay man or anything in between) and share with #ProshUWA By King Glizzy and the Lizzy Wizzy After a four year investigation, WA State Police announced they have made startling discoveries about Fremantle’s psych-rock darling Tame Impala. They revealed that they have overwhelming evidence that all studio albums by Tame Impala were written and recorded by two men — Kevin and Parker. These revelations threaten the integrity of ‘indie boys’ statewide, who had adopted the cult-like chant: “Did you know Tame Impala is just one guy?” that you are certainly familiar with. Following the press conference last week, the State Police released their 206- page report that detailed all aspects of the investigation, exposing the methods Kevin and Parker had been using to hide their true identities for years. The two had been masquerading as one by sitting on each other shoulders like a cartoon, obscured by Tame Impala’s signature long hair and scarf. Police first became suspicious of the pair when Tame Impala requested that their 2015 ARIA Award be split in half before receiving it on stage. This request was honoured by ARIA at the time under the assumption that “Kevin was just high,” but has been reframed by the investigation which posits that this was Kevin and Parker’s critical mistake, and the height of their hubris. Since the announcement, the Indie Boy Association has issued a warning to its members statewide, urging them to “find other hobbies,” or listen to King Gizz and Radiohead to cope with the loss of their only personality trait. for over an hour. Blurred are the boundaries between audience and actor, seats and stage. More than just a musical, 50 Shades was a multi-sensory theatre experience like no other. My favourite bit was when they hosed down the audience with a pressure washer at the same time as the character of Anastasia reached her explosive climax onstage. At one point the usher started going around with a paddle in his hand while the cast hurled insults at us from the stage. I’ve never reached for the complimentary towel and pack of tissues quicker in my life. Together we laughed, we cried, and we came. There was a certain energy undulating throughout the audience that I will never forget. “I soggy my pant!” - The Wet Austra’an “Not as intellectually engaging as Ayn Rand’s Atlas Shrugged, but it was stimulating in other ways” - Local philosophy student “It will leave your heart aching and pussy throbbing” ChristianMoms.Net dismay
16 ENTERTAINMENT GOSSIP The What-In-Tarnation Wednesday, March 22, 2023 By Phi Zer By Mike Ink By Yoko Oh No By Uhoh Stinky By Uh Oh Stinky Popular grocery companies such as HelloFresh are setting a new food production trend with their use of primate labour. In an attempt to revolutionise the food production industry, Hello Fresh has been experimenting in Thailand with the use of monkeys to harvest coconut milk. While this originally caused an outburst in concerns for the monkey’s working rights - many studies have shown that monkey labour can actually be beneficial for our health! Here are some fun ways that supporting the growing primate labour movement can greatly benefit your health: 1. The microbes from the monkeys’ grubby, unwashed hands help in building up your immune system to fight against future infections and germs. There has been a reported decrease in GDSE (gross domestic self-esteem) as toilet lines plummet with the introduction of larger bathrooms in nightclubbing districts. Though, women have indicated an increase in bladder health, the lack of wait time has reduced the occurrence of intoxicated flattery and platonic advances. Straight men are yet to comment on the issue. This is presumably due to lack of awareness, as their bathroom lines maintain their non-existence. This has triggered controversy amongst feminists on the long-term impacts. Some dude in a bowtie, Dr. Hu describes drunken compliments as a product of the male gaze and states that a disruption to this cycle would allow women to finally value their intellects. Many experts argue there will be a marked increase in female participation in hookup culture, not with you though, rat-looking mfer. Furthermore, the queer community are raising concerns as they fear the low supply of straight men in clubs will cause straight women to attempt to raid gay bars. This would exacerbate the already present issue of straight women calling their female friends ‘girlfriends’ (and could also result in another plaid shortage). Concerns such as this are causing a rise in petitions to shut down the new toilets and bring back the lines to maintain social balance. It must be exhausting always rooting for the anti-hero. Taylor’s latest release is an instant classic and an even bigger shift in genre, moving away from the contemporary pop of Midnight back to a folk-indie vibe in her new single ‘Hey Jude - Taylor’s Version’. The song is extremely long and even on release day it seems overplayed, but it is tonally balanced by Taylor’s foray into rap and hip-hop with ‘Gold Digger - Taylors Version’ and her follow-up single ‘Fuck the Police - Taylor’s Version’. All tracks to be produced by Grammy Awardwinning ‘producer’ Jack Antonoff. We’ve all heard that taking supplements like Magnesium, Zinc and Iron can be good for our bodies - but what if we ONLY had these substances? Dieticians across TikTok, including prominent celebrity Gwynneth Paltrow, are promoting studies linking transitional metal exclusive diets to solving 110% of our health issues. Feeling tired and stressed from work? Pop a wee bit of Tungsten in that gob. IBS causing enough gas to get the government to subsidise your every expense? Nothing a wee bit of Yttrium won’t fix. Can’t pay off your mountains of debt? Don’t worry, a couple sips of Mercury’ll do the trick. Holy fucking shit guys did you just see that? Did you just see them shoot that fucking gorilla holy FUCK. They literally just fucking detonated this poor cunt! There are guts EVERYWHERE and it is so smelly and gross. This poor little guy just got executed and for what? Literally what fucking crime did this sweet lil guy commit? Holy fuck guys, can’t believe this just happened. 2. The occasional maggot or tick that falls from the fur of the monkeys into the coconut milk provides an extra boost of unexpected protein in your diet. 3. The coconut milk is extra fresh and full of nutrients as the lack of labour rights force the monkeys to produce more coconut milk at a faster rate due to the lack of breaks. 4. Your cortisol and stress levels will be at an all-time low as you no longer have the guilt of exploiting overworked migrants who are subjected to the gruelling labour of industrial agriculture! We are super excited to see where this new agricultural production technique leads us, as there are already whispers along the grapevine that UberEats plans to employ dolphins to assist in crosscontinental deliveries of produce. Join us next time as we share fifteen monkey milk recipes with you! The secret health benefits that Monkey labour could be bringing to your diet Crisis in nightclubs as female toilets expanded; lines disappear Taylor Swift releases *Hey Jude - Taylor’s Version* Holy fuck guys Harambe just got shot holy fuck holy fuck that lil boy just fucking died holy fuck By Girlin Red On the 11th of February, hundreds of chronically online, high-school burnouts emerged from their depression pits to attend the Phoebe Bridgers set at Laneway. After hearing three songs on TikTok, many fans resonated with Phoebe’s lyrics describing experiences of disappointing fathers, lovers, and (if applicable) sex. Unfortunately, the sudden UV exposure after years of indoor doom scrolling, crying and sucking the microplastics out of empty vapes, led to a historical increase in skin cancer cases among Gen Z individuals. More to come. Melanoma rates sky rocket after Phoebe Bridgers fans go outside for the first time ever By Jerry’s Pizza Drawing from such epic literature as The Odyssey (Homer) and The Divine Comedy (Dante Alighieri), Penguin Classics has teamed up with Twitter to bring you a collection of Tandrew Ate’s tweets from the Romanian Gulag. With such insights as: “Beauty is fleeting. There’s currently a snowstorm here in Romania, the metal stings like ice. They say you do not truly appreciate something until it’s gone. All 11 of them. There is no revving light without dark.” and “God is on our side, the matrix will not win. Inshallah.” Tate explores such topics as sexuality, mental health and post marxism. We are excited to see this classic added to ATAR Literature reading lists across the state. Poems From the Prison Cell by Tandrew Ate New TikTok Fad Diet Could Solve All Your Problems
Wednesday, March 22, 2023 SOMETHING CANT READ FROM EXAMPLE 17 The um the uhhhhh TV Guide Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au ABCDeezNuts 9:30am 9:30am 9:30am 9:30am 9:30am 9:30am 9:30am 9:31am Rick and Morty Top Gear The Simpsons - Episode 745 Play School - Episode 4,517 Sesame Street - Episode 4,633 Home and Away - Episode 7,992 Neighbours - Episode 8,904 Goofy goobers doing silly things - Episode 69 Aw jeez Rick she’s only 16 this doesn’t seem right. Jeremy kills a man, James does ice and Richard writes an annoying article in the West about how Prosh isn’t funny. In this episode, the show begs for death after being on the air for 34 seasons. No one responds. Wait, why are there that many episodes? Just loop the first thousand, kids won’t remember, their brains are pea-sized. Wait … ahaha that's actually how many episodes there are? Are you sure? Did you double check? You did? That’s kind of a lot. No. You’ve gotta be fucking with me. Please no, please just stop. END THIS MADNESS i give up just fucking kill me Wo-ooooooo wacky crazy goofy ahha silly!! MrBean Philanthropy 6:30am 7:30am 8:00am 9:00am 11:50am 1:30pm 2:15pm 4:00pm Adventures of Figuro Pho Shaun the Sheep Slugterra Mythbusters Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Dragon Ball Z Sesame Street A child that is scared of everything p.s he’s probably French. Sheep furry & Dog furry fuck up a wheatbelt farmer’s day for 15 years. WHY IS THERE A SHOW ABOUT GUNS THAT SHOOT SLUGS Two old fucks run around and build military grade weapons in the name of science. A movie about an orphan who likes girls who look like his mom. Making fun of people with radiation poisoning disguised as a show about ninja turtles. Dragon Ball deez nuts in your mouth. Green puppet complains about housing market when he owns a house (STFU Oscar). The Other One 5:99am 6:00am 2:00pm 5:00pm 5:00pm 3:00pm 5:00pm 5:00am Honk shoo mimimi ASMR noises Sigma Grindset POV on your sixteenth birthday you wake up either being a vampire or a vampire hunter Joe Rogan Experience’s Joes 40 year old Virgin Love Island Uncensored - Extra Cream Pies Young Sheldon Average British Bakeoff Iz sweepy. WAKE UP HUSTLERS, TODAY WE ARE BULLYING A TEENAGER Starring Scarlet Johansen as the old, asian mentor character. An interview with Jordan Peterson goes awry when Joes takes DMT. (Name correction to the Joe Rogan Experience) This show will make you bust in 30 secs guaranteed free porn game. Bazibga. 4 uni students try to cook a meal with any discernible nutritional value. NetStanDisBOFlix Max+ 6:27 9:70 Never Til’ the end of time lol 2:52pm 4:69pm 7:15 Whatever time it is in Guantanamo Bay. Princess Diana - A Knives Out Mystery Crazy Rich Caucasians Big Mouth 20 more live-action DIsney movies Bitter Homes and Gardens 69 Minutes Border (In)Security Inside Job REDACTED They own a jet ski, two quad bikes and a cheeseboard. They have a beautiful feisty horsegirl daughter Bephstefany and a self described ‘Eshay Bah’ son Douglas. Literally the ugliest cartoon theres no joke here it’s just fucking revolting to look at. Because fuck you give us your money. Pretending to like your neighbours Josh and Matt discover this week a common everyday household item that stops noisy dogs from interrupting your sundowner. Capital gains tax breaks removed for Australia’s hardest hit communities. The investigative team risk their lives to show you how neighbourhoods like Dalkeith are struggling to make ends meet. Feel satisfied with a singular feel good segment to end the program. Your faith in cops and latestage capitalist fear mongering will be renewed. Documentary series on the shadow government. Reviewers describe it as, “pretty dark in here, can someone turn a light on?” The National Pornographic 6:00am 6:45am 7:10am 7:25am 9:30pm Keeping up with the Number of Children Kris Jenner Can Have Too Hot to Handle Bananas in Pyjamas The Real Housewives of Matilda Bay Milf Manor Apparently there’s 6 of them now. I hate it when I’m so hot getting too many bitches is a problem. Yellow dildos and brothers now? Jessica has one too many margaritas and says what she REALLY thinks about her little Scotch shitheads. Two best friends are overjoyed when their MILF mums get married, officially making them brothers. My mental breakdown 6:30pm, whenever my next assignment is due 29th of February, 2023: Your parents say they’re proud of you and get a firm comforting handshake from your father 4pm: Stay late after school and study for your exam tomorrow smoke durries outside of garden city March: Accounting meeting between Aliens, Illuminati and Greg from accounting And on the 7th day God created PROSH, and they emerged when he rested You finally get some bitches 3am: Prestigious Awards ceremony where you receive your ‘L’ March: Quarantine area extension to whole of Perth CBD; Bell towers multiplying at unprecedented rate 7pm Your Mother’s House: Walk Ins permitted NOW March: Light Nuclear exchange between Russia and USA (note: take umbrella to work that day) Congress Club penguin meeting to discuss economic crises
continued on next page The Secret Sensation Two parts of _____(1)’s life he hoped would stay separate forever were suddenly colliding. He swelled with joy at seeing _____(3) on the horizon with his CAT Excavator, the rocks rumbling beneath his feet. But when he heard a sound from above, and looked upwards to see a helicopter, _____(2)’s Helicopter™, he knew he was in for trouble. Meanwhile, at the Litigation staton… “It’s _____(2)’s Playroom™.” _____(2) and _____(1) stepped through the entryway, _____(3) hesitating for just a second before following them in. He looked around at the red velvet walls, which were covered from top to bottom with _____(2)’s Sybian Sit-on Mower ™, _____(2)’s Cat-O-Nine-tails-WhipperSnippers™, a massive barrel of _____ (2)’s Lubricant™, and an entire cabinet labelled ‘_____(2)’s Condoms™ ’. _____(3) gasped softly. As the three men gazed at each other and the room around them, a hush fell over the group. There was something so palpable and irresistible in the dry desert air. Desire. None of them would be able to say how it began, but suddenly _____(1) had his denim booty shorts around his ankles. _____(3) stared up at his luscious face, _____(1)’s wogalicious forest of hair framing the his even more luscious eyebrows. _____(3) wrapped his moist, slobbery snout around the pulp of _____ (1)’s mango trunk and sucked it dry. The third member got on his knees as well, snaking his head in order to aim his _____(2)’s Tender Lips™ at _____(1)’s pungent garlic cloves. _____(3) was eager to please, his excavator chiselling up and down the mine shaft, blasting the walls with megatons of explosive force. _____(3) wanted to extract all the minerals buried within him. _____(2) took _____(3)’s almost bald head in his hand and pushed it down into _____(1)’s clearance cockmeat, taking it all to the T-bone. A soft squeal escaped _____(1)’s lips as _____(2)’s Hands™ kept on pushing and pulling _____(3)’s hard-hat. _____(1)’s sweaty, greasy meat box began to shake, his squid beak nipping Love & Loss At Litigation Station By J-Mart Smutt
Wednesday, March 22, 2023 FOOD & RECIPES 19?? The Sonic Inflation Recipes Food ‘n’ Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au By Al Caholic By Will E. Go for 2&5 (litres) Does Pizza size matter? Or is it just how you eat it? The Depar™ent of Health has announced that it is un-Australian to not be able to consume your weekly 2&5L, that is; 2L of alcohol (of your choice) and 5L of mixers. The Depar™ent has developed a groundbreaking policy in collaboration with the Depar™ent of Education and created a new mandatory unit for Universities called CHUG1101. “Only heavyweights are permitted to get a university degree” under the new Sick Cunt Policy according to a recent media statement from the Minister for Health, Amber-Jade Sanderson, and the Minister for Education, Tony Buti. In the unit, students must consume their 2&5 and present a BAC of at least 0.7 in each weekly tutorial to pass the mandate. If you throw up, you must retake the test until you pass. Topics include ‘Beginner’s Guide to Vortexing’, ‘How to not Chuck like a Loser’, ‘Snorkelling and Funnelling 101’, ‘Centurion Conditioning’, ‘The Tactical Yak, with readings by Dr. Daniel Murphy’, ‘Practical workshop on gunch-making’ and the final topic: ‘Liver cirrhosis and you: how to find a liver donor’. Upon completion of the unit students are awarded with a slab of Emu. It is comforting to know our tax dollars are going to good use. Male patrons of the UWA Tavern are in uproar as the 9” Pizza student lunch deal has been at the root of a recent controversy. As well as the steadily rising price of the deal, reports have been coming in that the 9 inch pizza is not actually 9 inches. “Not only does the lunch deal cost half my scholarship, it is also giving my female friends an incorrect reference for 9 inches,” stated engineering student Richard P, who continued by remarking that male students are insisting that the 9 inch pizza is “more like 12 or 13 man.” Female patrons of the tavern have in comparison been quite satisfied with pizza size. We have had our investigative journalist Dicky O. on the case. “I measured the pizza myself, I already had a mark on my ruler at 9 inches and the pizza was definitely larger.” When questioned, UWA Tavern staff responded only with “We measure from the start of the crust, not the base.” Traditional Gosnells Recipe: Spicy Rocks We actually made onion- aide, it was refreshingly revolting This traditional recipe from the riviera of Gosnells will get your heart racing and ready for uni! Ingredients: • Pseudoephedrine • Antifreeze Grandma’s Gazpacho This is a recipe passed down the generations, honed to perfection or as Oma says, gemütlich, we just love it around chris™as time with the extended family with the kids! Ingredients: • 2L Orange Juice • 1.25L Ginger Beer • 5L Coolabah Sweet Fruity White Cask (Orange) Method: Disinfect barrel (with garden hose) and remove cobwebs. Spill ingredients into the vessel. Season with more goon to taste. “Enjoy!” Onionaide A refreshing summertime drink to have while laying around the pool! Ingredients: • 3 onions diced • 3 tbsp brown sugar • Small knob of butter • ⅓ cup water • 1L carbonated water Method: Disinfect barrel (with garden hose) and remove cobwebs. Spill ingredients into the vessel. Season with more goon to taste. “Enjoy!” Ingredients: • 10 large tomatoes • 2 clove of garlic • 1 yellow onion • 1 cup of cream • 3 tablespoons of butter • 1 tablespoon of flour • 1 cup of chicken broth • 1 tablespoon of oil • Salt (to taste) • Pepper (to taste) • Pinch of sugar • 1 teaspoon of rosemary • 1 teaspoon of basil • 1/2 teaspoon of red pepper flakes Method: Step 1: Place your can of Heinz Classic Creamy Tomato Soup Canned Vegetable Soup Pickle Cheesecake (1972) Ingredients: • Bag of pretzels • 50-100g margarine melted • 500g cream cheese • 1 cup sour cream • 1 cup goat cheese • 1/4 cup pickle juice • 1 egg • 50g Parmesan • Minced garlic • Onion powder • Red chilli flakes • 1 cup dill pickles chopped Method: Preheat an oven to 170C (or 150c fan-forced) Crush pretzels into medium-fine powder and combine with melted margarine until crumbs hold together Press pretzel mixture into pie dish to form an even layer for the crust In a bowl, beat together cream cheese, sour cream, goat cheese and pickle juice until soft Gently fold in the remaining ingredients until just combined Pour the mixture into crust, smoothing the top to create an even surface Bake for approximately 35 minutes or until centre is just set 535g in your microwave (do NOT open it first to maximise the flavour) Step 2: Press the auto 30 second button on your microwave until the cooking time feels right Step 3: Explain to your landlord that the microwave shape explosion mark on the kitchen counter and walls was a part of the house when you moved in. (For legal purposes this is a joke, tin cans don’t explode when you put them in the microwave - try it. Also if you’re my landlord fuck off) • Lithium • Freon • Lye Method: Following advice from our legal team this information has been censored. at the thought of _____(3)’s mining conglomerate. _____(2) pulled _____(3)’s head away. “Delivering your payload prematurely?” he said teasingly to _____(1). _____(1) looked down at _____(2). “You forget, I’m open 24/7.” _____(1) grabbed _____(2) and threw him down onto the metal floor, ripping off _____(2)’s Pants™ in the process. “On your knees,” _____(1) commanded. _____(2) obeyed. _____(1) pointed at _____(3)’s Hi-Vis, as dirty as the coal he ripped from the earth. “Take them off.” _____(3) obeyed. _____(2) looked up at _____(3)’s member. “You’re so…” he gulped. “Average sized.” Although, what _____(3) lacked in paying taxes, he more than made up for in girth. _____(1) guided _____(3)’s 200mm CAT Rotary drill into _____(2)’s Borehole™. _____(1) walked around the other side of _____(2) and put his hungry hungry third caterpillar into _____(2)’s Mouth, Still Wet From _____(1)’s Discount Eggplant™, _____(1)’s dense broccoli heads almost pushing _____(2) backwards. _____(2) was packed airtight, rocking slowly between the two men, he was in ecstasy. _____(3) drilled into _____(2)’s Open Cut Mining Pit™, starting slowly but eventually accelerating to his maximum speed of 1800 RPM. It was awkward at first, two billionaires and one poor millionaire trying to find a rhythm, but eventually their incredibly wealthy bodies found what worked, when to push, when to pull, when to appease shareholders and cut wages and when to run a PR campaign to make it all okay again. _____(3) had always been subsidised by the government, he didn’t know how to function without a hand supporting him fucking the planet raw, but as he plundered _____(2)’s Hairy Manure Warehouse™ a newfound confidence burgeoned within him. He grabbed _____(1)’s Chris™as Ham Hocks and brought them into the air, his late-night entrance staring at _____(2). _____(1) looked at him and smiled, “Don’t mind the wilted lettuce.” Both men could see _____(2) had reached his limit too, his revving intensified, a growl begun with every outward breath. _____(3)’s pupils constricted as all $19.5 billion in liquefiable assets poured out of his cattle farm and into _____(1)’s loose potato-sack of a jaw. As more and more green hydrogen flooded out of _____(3), _____(1) realised he’d have to swallow or else he’d risk spillage. _____(1) began to swallow but it was just too fast. Slowly little drops of _____(3)’s corrosive tequila made their way onto _____(1)’s pork cheeks. _____(2)’s Orgasm™ shook _____(1), dripping out of him, a cleanup on aisle 5. Once the pulsing stopped, _____(1) looked up at _____(3), his mouth dripping with compliance agreements. He fell backwards into the puddle of toxic waste. It was the 90s all over again. _____(1) wiped the remaining fossil fuels and non-disclosure agreements into his mouth. He hated wasting food.
20 Polly Scandal Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Across [2] What Liberal candidate was carried away by their handlers in 2013 after completely butchering a ‘Stop the Boats’ interview? [4] Which absolutely batshit insane politician blamed climate change on volcanoes, said the country was being “overrun by squat toilets”, and forgot their own birthday? [7] Who shat their pants outside a McDonalds in 1977? [8] Which moron pivoted away from a gay rights question by talking about crocodile maulings? [10] Which trade minister burst into song in the middle of an interview about the negative effects of a carbon tax? Down [1] Which police minister stripped down to his underwear at a piss-up just 3 days after being hired? [3] Who bit into a raw onion because the bulb looked “beautiful”? [5] Which politician’s attempt to act human ended with them asking public shoppers about their “favourite type of lettuce”? [6] The ‘bonk ban’ was initiated after which deputy PM couldn’t keep it in their pants? [9] Which energy minister forgot to switch accounts before complimenting their own facebook posts? Polly Scandal Crossword 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 Across [2] What Liberal candidate was carried away by their handlers in 2013 after completely butchering a ‘Stop the Boats’ interview? [4] Which absolutely batshit insane politician blamed climate change on volcanoes, said the country was being “overrun by squat toilets”, and forgot their own birthday? [7] Who shat their pants outside a McDonalds in 1977? [8] Which moron pivoted away from a gay rights question by talking about crocodile maulings? [10] Which trade minister burst into song in the middle of an interview about the negative effects of a carbon tax? Down [1] Which police minister stripped down to his underwear at a piss-up just 3 days after being hired? [3] Who bit into a raw onion because the bulb looked “beautiful”? [5] Which politician’s attempt to act human ended with them asking public shoppers about their “favourite type of lettuce”? [6] The ‘bonk ban’ was initiated after which deputy PM couldn’t keep it in their pants? [9] Which energy minister forgot to switch accounts before complimenting their own facebook posts? ndal Crossword 2 3 5 8 9 he climate errun 7? tion by e of an Down [1] Which police minister stripped down to his underwear at a piss-up just 3 days after being hired? [3] Who bit into a raw onion because the bulb looked “beautiful”? [5] Which politician’s attempt to act human ended with them asking public shoppers about their “favourite type of lettuce”? [6] The ‘bonk ban’ was initiated after which deputy PM couldn’t keep it in their pants? [9] Which energy minister forgot to switch accounts before complimenting their own facebook posts? PUZZLES & CARTOONS Wednesday, March 22, 2023 All questoins are maybe not true and even if they were they would be alleged ofcourse. The [insert title joke] DOT TO DOT START HERE Copyright © 2023 crosswordspin.com | For personal use only. Solution B 1 R O D W 2 A I 3 Z H 4 S N A 5 B N O B H J 6 M 7 N O S I R R O T R O K T Y 8 T A 9 R E T A E C E 10 Y N O S R E M L O R Redacted 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 17.5 18 19 21 22 23 24 25 27 26 28 29 30 31 33 32 34 35 36 37 38 39 40 41 42 43 44 45 46 47 48 49 50 51 52 53 55 54 20
21 We’ll supply you with all the pipe you need to help fix your crack(s). The best gear this side of Rockingham! Message Anne Fetamine on Telegram for more info. (We also supply gatorade bottles and hose pipes for your gardening needs.) Cracked Plumbers PROSHOSCOPES Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Sundowner Extermination Revise on previous lessons. NAPLAN is next week, and you can’t afford to get below band 9. Oh, you’re not a literal fucking school child? We couldn’t tell considering how immature you are. Maybe if you took a little bit more time to behave like a normal human being instead of hiding behind the fact that you’re ‘blunt’ to make up for a lack of charisma, we wouldn’t have made that mistake. You’re in your permanent era of no thoughts. You’re the kind of person to throw your ever-so-slightly overcooked eggs benedict back at the minimum wage Coffee Club server, but I’m honestly surprised your long-ass, glitter-lilac talons could snatch the plate. Obviously you’re the victim in that situation. You don’t need to be waking up at 5am to just doom-scroll on your phone until 7. Go get up and wash your fucking hydroflask that crusted shit could cause another pandemic but the symptoms are just becoming a massive annoying cunt. Flaunting your Harry Potter house isn’t a personality trait, no one cares that you’re a Ravenclaw. Shut up. You’re like a Taurus that actually does something. That something being terrorising the rest of us poor fuckers who have to deal with your pompous ass. Your pubey mat you call a head of hair is one slight tug from sliding off, you Norwood IV looking ass. We get it, you’re on the sigma grindset - but have you ever taken a moment to consider who the fuck asked? Avoid stepping on cracks today, don’t wanna break your mother’s back! With her out of the picture, who would be there to put up with your constant bullshit? You should try going a singular second without projecting your mummy issues onto the nearest woman you can find. And it’s ‘woman’, not ‘female’. We’re surprised you’re not still getting breastfed considering how depraved you are for your mother’s embrace. Thanks for proving Freud right, you weirdo. Someone will fart on your pillow 52 of them. We don’t know how your life manages to be so shit, but it does. You’re if getting shat on by a magpie was a person. You’re the embodiment of ordering only a McFlurry on the app, only to have it not delivered because the ice-cream machine isn’t working. We would wish things to get better for you, but it is honestly kind of funny to watch you constantly suffer. When the universe was formed over 14 billion years ago, and billions of years later when we crawled out of the oceans and began to walk, never did we ever think that one day we’d have to deal with dumb motherfuckers like you who post 40 different Instagram Create memes on your story to carve out the tiny spurts of validation you need. Maybe search the web for the #GetAPersonalityChallenge, you chronically online fuck. Having several different personalities won’t make people like you, it just gives everybody more personalities to hate. Jealous, manipulative, and overall massive cunts. These are some of the things that get tossed around about Scorpios. But honestly, do you really deserve the literally stfu and gtfo. You suck ass at cod. Gtfo of this server. You attention seeking whore just shut up and die. You are shit at no scoping with absolutely mid KD ratio. I fucked your mum. Literally delete your fucking account you good and get hit by a bus lol. You are so fucking mid. Close your laptop and go outside for once. This literally doesn’t exist. Just call yourself a Sagittarius. This is a great time of year for progressing your career through networking. Good thing you’re a Gemini. Grab some rope and carabiners and prepare yourself for what you do best - social climbing! Though honestly we hope you slip and fall to your fucking death. You would like to think everyone is ARIES SAGITTARIUS TAURUS CAPRICORN CANCER: PISCES VIRGO LIBRA SCORPIO LEO: OPHIUCHUS GEMINI AQUARIUS PROSHOSCOPES Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au a pawn on the chessboard of life for you to manipulate but really you’re playing checkers and just losing to four-yearolds, give up. You’re weird. You’re a weirdo. You don’t fit in. And you don’t want to fit in. Not showering isn’t quirky, we can smell you from fifty metres away. People cross the street to avoid walking next to you. We all know you can actually clean yourself but you choose not to because you’re ‘too busy’ writing your ‘memoirs of a golden triangle kid’. You are 23. You have never faced a real struggle in your life. Your dad’s business is the only reason you can afford all those books you won’t ever fucking read. hate? The answer is no - you deserve so much worse. It’s understandable that you’re so possessive considering everyone in your life wants to leave you and your stupid shit. That’s why your dad left, and thank fuck he did. Good thing you struggle with opening up to people, we didn’t fucking care anyway. It’s going to be a hard week for you. It always is for you. All NANGINATOR 3000 4 SALE Perry the Platypus I see you have found my Nanginator 3000. It pumps high pressure nitrous oxide into anything. We are not liable for any explosions, brain degradation, or sudden preference towards cargo pants. Do NOT insert into any orifice. Office email shadow.government@gov.us BELMONT FURNITURE REMOVALISTS “We’re already in your home!” Assistant Auskick coach offering daycare services. “I love working wiJimmy what the FUCK are you doing get the FUCK DOWN from the table.” Krayden Chadler Vapez 4 Sale THE PASS MEMBERSHIP “Scent Sticks for sale CHEAP” Rental Rangers “MUSIC SYNTHESISER. RAVE WARRIOR. VIBE CURATOR.” Shitty sets? Beach raves for 30y.o’s? Hale grad WAPAA sigma male? Only 200$ph +50$ for my uninterested gf to cap along. Song hit (537 soundcloud views): “K-rudd apology trap mix.” Hmu @_kr4y.d3n_ no ugly chicks thx. LOCAL BeREAL PHOTOGRAPHER Actual life really that boring? Ok sure, I guess I’d help a loser like you. Will make you appear interesting. Daily fee will be higher for lower self-esteem. Don’t talk to me while I’m there. Spread a rumour to contact me, I’ll respond within three days. Struggling to pay rent? Have no fear, for $50 a month, the Rental Rangers are here. We’ll come to your neighbourhood and shoot a few rounds; bullets AND ice. If those prices still won’t budge, a one off $150 payment will get you a driveby on what is (hopefully) your landlord (bail not included). Call 8008135 to speak to the Rental Rangers and see how they can help you in this tough time. Big Dog selling fruit scent sticks $28 each, $45 for 2. Please message me on Facebook to enquire about flavours. FOR THE QUASI-PRICED VALUE OF YOUR DIGNITY, EVERY MONTH, YOU GET TO BE SOCIALLY EXCUSED FOR SUPPORTING YOUR FAVOURITE HOMOPHOBIC CELEBRITIES, BE IT DA BABY, J.K. ROWLING AND HER SHITTY BOOK SERIES, OR EVEN CHRIS BROWN. GO-ON, GIVE IT A WHIRL, YOU’VE ‘EARNED’ IT! GO ON, SAY IT, SAY IT RIGHT NOW TO MY FACE. SAY IT. Cannot do drop off, only pick up outside Shenton SHS. Please don’t tell my mum.
CLASSIFIEDS Declassifieds Revivals Obituaries XXX Miscellaneous Wanted For Sale Real Estate Don’t FUCK YOUs Community Announcements Wednesday, March 22, 2023 The Cum Joke Era’Dick’ation There’s a no-climbing sign on the roof you can’t rip off :( Go have a look. Feo man reckons you’ve got to try this new morning routine he’s started recently. Requires spoon, lighter, needle. Kissing in da club. Anthro/Sociology Depar™ent. Gone and immediately forgotten. Tandrew Ate lookalike looking for some 20-yearold boys who hate the world for forcing them to live with their parents in a $5 million house in City Beach. Removed Herobrine. Me bro pls I have raygun. Jesus after 3 days. EXPOSED: Local politician booted from office upon revelation that they have misused public funds. Who would’ve guessed. George Pell :) King Charles III: We know he’s not dead yet but come on, it won’t be long. Have you seen how his skin appears to be melting off his body? He already looks like a bloated rubbery corpse. Prince Harry’s Frostbitten Dick My dignity World peace My Hermit crab bob :( Boost nedlands Queen Elizabeth II (told u so) The Ancient Art of Candlestick making Hot single Wall St. traders in your area looking for love. Phone Sexline: We ask how your day has been and tell you that we love you. Ex-private school boys who have a teardrop tattoo because they killed their IB interviews. The horses from Daryl Braithwaites’ song “The Horses”. You. Looking for Wife: Young Liberal member unable to find amenable female in social circle. Must be proficient in cooking and cleaning and at least a 9/10, caucasian but will accept south-east Asian, D cups. People on tinder who put their actual age in the subscript of their bio. A cute little twink to e-ride this dick. Come back with the milk your wife’s a bitch and your kids hate you. Run over the lollipop lady near your kids’ school, the sweet release of death is what they want. Simp over Eliza Rose, the inventor, innovator, and artist that concocted BOTA IS FUCKING MINE. Leave mid-fuck to continue your duolingo streak. YOU HAVE A STREAK FREEZE Amit Chak-my Nuts Volunteers required for prescribed burn at Friendly Jordies house. Ed Sheeran Tickets: Free. Please take them I’m begging you. Government Social Housing: Selling to the highest bidder. My dad. Pls come home. Local Man Makes excessive amount of guacamole for dinner party attended by no one. CIA: Please return our stinger missiles, we accidently dropped them over your village haha. Someone to help me get my cylinder out of this Smarties tube. UWA Arts faculty for wealthy buyer: 300$ to do what you please. UWA Alva Campus: Prime location. Existing property of no discernable value. Rottnest: Beautiful coastal island, thriving tourist industry, definitely no chequered past to look into. Funny small silver cylinder I found on the ground: Make me an offer. UWA Business School: Scrapping for parts pay per kg. A man with super niche hobbies to ruin my life. An acceptable Hinge profile Lunch. The one that got away. Mmmm slop mmm thank you for the glugggghhhhhh uhhhh mmmmmmm PROSH Pelican
Email | prosh@guild.uwa.edu.au PROSH.com.au Wednesday, March 22, 2023 23 The Fungal Infection By X Æ A-Xii Lionel Messi is known as one of, if not THE, best soccer football players alive. Lauded for his skills juggling balls, Messi has been running back and forth across the pitch in those cute little shorts since 2018 with Paris Saint-Germain, and even earlier with Barcelona. But the question remains, is Messi actually any IS MESSI ACTUALLY GOOD AT SOCCER FOOTBALL, OR IS HE JUST SEXY IN IS LITTLE SHORT SHORTS MAD SPOILERS AHEAD, PLEASE BE CAREFUL LADBROKES INTRODUCES HIGHSCHOOL OVAL LUNCH FIGHT ODDS BRAYLEIGH WILKINS 6’2”, 110 kg, 2.6% attendance rate Known as — The Canning Vale Viper The Year Seven Smasher The Gosnells Grizzly BRAXTON TAYLOR 5’10”, 96kg, 11.3% attendance rate Known as — The Dard from Wellard The Hot Boxer The Essay Eshay The Math Class Psychopath MEN WHO WATCH HOT HUNKS IN SHORTS SLAM INTO EACH OTHER THINK DRESSING UP AS A WOMAN IS GAY good at soccer football or is he just sexy in his little short shorts? This reporter went to investigate at local sports bar [NAME REDACTED] but upon trying to ask the question to a group of patrons, they immediately began to swear at me about Ronaldo and Messi. They started arguing with each other about whose ass was better, who could juggle more balls and it eventually turned into a fistfight! I evacuated the premises, hoping to go somewhere else to find out, however, every bar I went to I encountered the same thing, I even ended up with a black eye when I said that the Dockers run last season was a fluke! By Mike Oxlong The stage is set at the far side of the oval for lunch next Tuesday where the 19-year-old Year 11 Brayleigh Wilkins, ‘the Canning Vale Viper’, takes on local hero and ‘all-round sick cunt’ Braxton Taylor (17), known as ‘the Dard from Wellard’, for the championship title. Canning Vale College on-duty sports teacher Will CharldemeyerHodgkins has seemingly turned a blind eye on the bloodshed, planning instead on attending the Year 9/10 girls beach volleyball training sessions running at the same time. In preparation for the grandstand event, a group of Year 9s have formed a concession stand set to sell Prime Energy, cheap vapes, and nitrous oxide canisters. In response to online outcry regarding the event, Ladbrokes issued the following statement: “It was a pretty obvious choice — we already profit off the systemic abuse of animals and exploitation of young athletes — this just seemed like the next logical step.” In an unprecedented move, Ladbrokes is offering 1.73 split odds on a knockout by Wilkins, listing their details as follows: By The Home of Sexual “I simply don’t support them pushing their agenda onto us,” says Tim, a Balaga local, as he is glued to the TV screen displaying images of sweaty men wrestling with each other. Tim told us that he has been a die-hard Eagles fan for as long as he can remember. “It’s just men classically being men, none of this prissy gay shit that the Greens are pushing down our throats.” Right Now — The Game You lost lol 22nd April 2012 - Soccer Brisbane Roar 2 – 1 Perth Glory Berisha 84’, 90+4’ Franjic 51’ (o.g.) Player of the Match: Jared Gillett, shit I mean Jacob Burns Attendance: 50,334 19th May 1536 — Tennis Henry VIII def. Anne Boleyn 6-2 4-1 (divorced, beheaded, survived) Everything was looking rosy in this friendly game between lovers, till tragedy struck. Early in the 6th game of the 2nd set, a tennis ball mysteriously gone astray decapitated her. Attendance: 27 776 BCE — Olympics Koroibos: winner in Stadion event After years of talking about how “big things are coming,” the date for Heracles’ inaugural festival honouring his father Zeus finally arrived. He promised days of events and hot, muscular men competing naked to celebrate the gifts of Zeus. When the day came, all the rich men and their sons poured into the city of Olympia expecting great fame and wealth, spectators filled the streets. It was much to everyone’s disappoin™ent when Heracles finally came clean, there was only to be one event — a race of about 192 metres, over in less than two minutes. The news only got worse, there were no riches to be won, just a useless wreath of olive branches; oh, and the race was won by some random cook… And perhaps worst of all, the men were made to wear shorts. Safe to say everyone was in agreement when they decided not to try anything like it again for 4 years. Attendance: maths hadn’t been invented yet According to Tim there was just something indescribable about the wonders of AFL, with several hunks performing a borderline orgy on screen, as he spoke to us. “These freaks don’t understand what it truly means to be a man. Wearing your lil twink booty shorts, getting hot and sweaty and physically restraining your fellow men. What could be better? Just guys being dudes.” sports
DIY DEXIES $7.49 YOUR LOCAL HIGHSCHOOL +GST 1’4” 1’3” 1’2” 1’1” 1’0” 0’11” 0’10” 0’9” 0’8” 0’7” 1’4” 1’3” 1’2” 1’1” 1’0” 0’11” 0’10” 0’9” 0’8” 0’7” Former child star Bluey Heeler (now 19) has just been arrested after her recent rampage through Perth that concluded with her crashing her car into her former childhood rival’s house, Peppa Pig. Bluey hasn’t been involved in TV after her foray into film was met with derision from critics and fans alike. Both Ghost Rider 3 and A Nation Divided (the Nelson Mandela autobiography) were universally panned by critics, prompting the star to take to social media calling them “liberal cucks” and saying they “wouldn’t know real acting if it sniffed their asses.” During the airing of the show Bluey, Heeler had quite a bitter rivalry with another children’s show star, Peppa Pig. With both of them trying to one up each other in their shows. Peppa, however, retired when her show finished, deciding to spend more time with her family. It seems, however, that Bluey never got over their rivalry as, in a cocaine-fueled rampage through Perth, she stole a pedestrian’s car while barking at him and biting his ankles. She then drove the car through the CBD, narrowly missing several people. Witnesses report hearing her blasting her own theme song out the car, howling occasionally. She then made her way to Peppa’s house in Subiaco, crashing the car into the side of the house. Peppa and George are unharmed, but unfortunately Daddy Pig was killed instantly on impact. Mummy Pig is still nowhere to be found. A barbecue-light vigil will be held for Peppa and George’s father next Friday, mourners have been told to bring plate, forks. Applesauce will be provided. Bluey’s Rampage Through Perth Ends In Fatality By George George Actual footage from the incident.