Stephanie

"You made me forget about all the crap I’ve dealt with. But when you left, your
absence was the only thing I had to deal with. Nothing hurt me more than that.”

"You never apologized to me for hurting me, but I apologized to you 12 times for
being angry about it.”

"I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was
nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it’s funny the things you realize when someone
walks away. At first, you feel as though it’s your fault. Feeling like nothing, so
close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did
nothing wrong. That it’s his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy
who didn’t ever care. You live and you learn, that’s how it is.”

"A year ago I was sitting in the passenger seat of your car, listening to a band I
forgot the name of. And you asked me if I loved you when you pulled over. My

answer was no.
Or maybe I did at the time but the words were too hard to pull out of my throat. I

walked away from your car despite your 1 a.m. voice that tried to wrap itself
around my ankles.

I used to write down all the stories we shared so that I wouldn’t forget and I
listened to all the songs you used to play for me in your car. But know that when I

write, i’m only doing what i owe myself.
Don’t call me asking why I still write about you,
Just think of me as an archaeologist trying to preserve the past.
I know my prose speaks of you pleasantly. Like if I had the chance do it all again, I

would.
Just because I write love poems about you,

Does not mean I love you anymore.”

“I truly do not believe that you need to forgive in order to move on.
And I truly do not believe that you need to move on in order to be happy.
If someone has wronged you, you are entitled to feel any emotion for however
long you need. And if that’s forever, so be it. Some people do not deserve to be
forgiven.”

"Things are sweeter when they’re lost. I know—because once I wanted something
and got it. It was the only thing I ever wanted badly…and when I got it it turned
to dust in my hand.”

"I think when you’re 16 you don’t expect it to hurt as much as it does but what the
fuck would you know about love till it slams into your chest and knocks the wind
out of your lungs
so you fall in love
and he leaves
and you stop washing your hair
and your skin is bruised with the creases in your sheets
and your mother wants to yell at you but your blank stare just makes her eyes tear
up and you’re not supposed to see your mother cry
and you’ll probably try destroying yourself because that’s what you do when
you’re 16
so you’ll pull apart razors and hide them someplace your parents can find them but
they never do
and you’ll start smoking even though it makes you cough so hard you throw up
and you can’t stand the burning in your throat
and you’ll run away without ever leaving your bedroom
and maybe you’ll kiss too many boys who mean nothing but mean all too much
and they will all look a little like him or nothing at all
and you let him fuck you up
and you leave him drunk voicemails and you haven’t cried in 23 days even though
you’re always crying
and you promise you will never love anything again because it hurts more than
they warned
no one told you that this was love
maybe it’s more
maybe it’s something from another world
maybe it’s just your bones breaking again
either way it fucking burns
and now you’re older
and you know to expect to come out the other side missing a few pieces of
yourself
but sometimes you get caught up and you forgot that it’s supposed to hurt
because it’s not supposed to fucking hurt
and you blink and you’re bleeding again
and it’s like you’re 16 all over again
trying to rip yourself to shreds while you try to pick up all the pieces of yourself
everyone thinks you’re mysterious because your mouth is sewn shut with the
sudden death of past loves but you’re just so fucking quiet because they’ve taken so
much out of you, you can hardly open your eyes, forget about your mouth,
and I guess the worst part about love dying out is that you don’t die with it,
you just attend the funeral and visit the grave every time you’re drunk. you’re
always so goddamn drunk.”

"I found an old picture of us, the only proof that one day we were each other’s
And jesus, I swear you are a completely different person now. Somebody that i
don’t know.

“Forgive me for the things we did to each other. I was sick.
Is that a good excuse ? Does it mend something ?

Does it make you believe that maybe i’m not a bad person ?
Do you even remember me ? And if you do, do you want to forget me ?

We look awful in this picture. But I remember I was happy with you.
I still can feel your smell if i look at it long enough.
I still can hear you laughing.
You were my favourite person.”

"Wanna know the fucking truth? Nobody is fucking happy. Nobody has skin
made from oil paint and sunlight. Nobody fucking understands this world. Fuck,
nobody probably understands math as much as they claim. You’re here one day
and the next you’re not. God? Religion? I’ve learned a lot more about the world by
eating acid and swallowing pills. Tell me what your church has done for you? Tell
me if you have holes in your mouth from speaking lies? Wanna know the fucking
truth? Pity is just another word for pathetic. Drink beer and watch the sunrise
from every rooftop. Take photographs naked. Take photographs kissing. Take
photographs having sex. Stop making everything about sexuality. Wanna know
the fucking truth? Nobody really gives a damn if you lost your virginity at
fourteen or if you were the president in high school. Wanna know the fucking
truth? There is no such thing as the right person. People leave. They change like
ocean currents, they leave you with bruises in your calves. And you wanna know
the fucking truth? You get better. You learn to love. You find God in between the
cracks of a wall when you’re puking your limbs out. You wanna know the fucking
truth? Go find it.”

"It’s truly mind boggling how much a human soul can change within a single
calendar year. Look at what a mere 365 days have done to you. You have

experienced immense suffering, heartbreak, and loss. The world has put you
through the ringer, and I’m sure you’ve considered giving up more than once. But

you didn’t. You beat all of the challenges the universe stacked against you and
came out thriving. And you’ve grown so much because of it. Think of the person

you were at this time last year. Do you remember her? She was so much more
fragile, so much less experienced. Look at yourself now. Think of what life has
taught you. Think of what you have learned. You are infinitely more strong, more
intelligent, and more radiant than your former self. You conquered your life with
such unprecedented ferocity and have created a wonderful world for yourself. You

have blossomed.”

"If you look at the fact that you have a roof over your head, food to eat, that you
are young and beautiful and live in a peaceful land, then no, you have nothing to
be sad about. But the fact is, we are not only a physical body, we have souls too,
and sometimes our souls get sick. If you break a leg you don’t just say ‘I have no
reason to have a broken leg’ and ignore it; you seek help. It’s the same when your
soul gets hurt. Don’t apologize for being sad.”

"And now we’re supposed to go back to our normal lives. That’s what people do.
They have these amazing experiences with another person, and then they just go

home and clean the bathroom or whatever.”

"I miss you so much that I can feel it in my bones but I can’t keep going back and
forth with you. I can’t keep losing you and getting you back because every time I
lose you it hurts more and more. I want it all I want the bickering, the late night
phone calls, the I miss you texts, the love making, I want it. I want you, I want
this. Stop being scared and want me back. If you come back this time, that’s it, I’m
not letting you go so don’t come back unless you want that too.”

"Fine. Ok. You’re lost right now. You’re so young and you have no idea what
you’re going to do with the rest of your life. And it terrifies you. It scares you to
death. But even after everything that’s happened, and there’s been a lot, you’re still

here. For fuck’s sake, at least your trying. And for right now, that’s enough.”

"Unfortunately, you had your first love too early. And he fucked you up good. I
know you want this new boy now. And i do hope it works out. But, all I’m saying
is to not get your hopes up too high; unrequited love is truly a bitch.”

"It happens like this.
One day you meet someone and for some inexplicable reason, you feel more
connected to this stranger than anyone else—closer to them than your closest
family. Perhaps this person carries within them an angel—one sent to you for
some higher purpose; to teach you an important lesson or to keep you safe during a
perilous time. What you must do is trust in them—even if they come hand in hand
with pain or suffering—the reason for their presence will become clear in due time.

Though here is a word of warning—you may grow to love this person but
remember they are not yours to keep. Their purpose isn’t to save you but to show

you how to save yourself. And once this is fulfilled; the halo lifts and the angel
leaves their body as the person exits your life. They will be a stranger to you once

more.”

“My dentist once told me that letting go is like pulling a tooth. When it was pulled
out, you’re relieved, but how many times does your tongue run itself over the spot
where the tooth once was? Probably a hundred times a day. Just because it wasn’t
hurting you doesn’t mean you didn’t notice it. It leaves a gap and sometimes you
see yourself missing it terribly. It’s going to take a while, but it takes time. Should
you have kept the tooth? No, because it was causing you so much pain. Therefore,
move on and let go.”

"Learning to be okay without him is weird.
I swear I’ll be fine for weeks,
but one morning I’ll wake up
and my heart feels heavy for no reason at all
And I feel like I lost him all over again.
It’s just hard, you know?
Thinking you’re making all this progress only for it to be ruined when you see
someone else brush their hair out of their eyes the same way he used to.
One little thing, and bam-
You start thinking that you’ll never be able to live without hearing his laugh ever
again.”

"sit down and listen to the song you’ve been avoiding for the past week because it
reminds you of the way he would kiss you and the way you would play with his

fingers and the way they got tangled in your hair and you had to apologizes for not
brushing it. listen, even though you could feel your chest tearing open, it might

even be louder than the music but just listen until it doesn’t hurt anymore. sit and
listen even if you’re on the tip of your chair

yeah i know it takes every bit of courage you have to walk past him but don’t run
around the whole campus three times till he gets away from your classroom door
because you don’t want your knees to start shaking again and your ankles to ache.

your bones arn’t all that good anyway hun
i know you don’t wanna do your hair anymore and you haven’t touched you make
up bag in so long you forgot how to outline your lips but do it. not for him, but for

you. he doesn’t call you beautiful anymore but i promise you he knows your eyes
shine brighter than the bitch his arms around and your hearts bigger than her

fucking ass and you don’t need him to touch you for him to feel your warmth. he
could feel it from miles away and he knows, we all know”

"I’m sitting here thinking of all the things I wanted to apologize to you for. All the
pain we caused each other. Everything I put on you. Everything I needed you to be
or needed you to say. I’m sorry for that. I’ll always love you because we grew up
together. You helped make me who I am. I just wanted you to know, there will be
a piece of you in me always. And I’m grateful for that. Whatever someone you
become and wherever you are in the world, I’m sending you love. You’re my
friend to the end.”

“Today I have learnt 3 things:
1. Your body can feel like it’s missing a limb when someone leaves.
2. Your mind can blame you for things that were never your fault.

3. Your heart can break for a love that was never yours.”

“Was it hard letting go of him?
It was, and it wasn't because I missed him, because who he is right now isn't who I
miss, I don’t know who he is anymore. But it was hard letting go because I had this
person who had became a huge chunk of my life, a person who lit fires in the
darkest parts of me, and then they had left me, the fires burned out and I now had
a gaping hole in my heart, and that’s why it hurts to let go. It happens in stages
really, I had found myself one day laughing at how pathetic I was for ever loving
him, but the next day I was on the floor of my shower begging God to bring him
back to me. I think if anyone’s every experienced heartbreak you know how hard
it is to do things without that person. It’s entirely way to hard to move on, and it’s
also hard to accept. It’s also hard to grasp the fact that the person you had grown to
love is now a stranger to you. You don’t talk to them anymore, but you hear about
them and your stomach clenches and I can promise you it won’t feel too great. I’m
sorry to tell you this but you’ll probably always have a spot for them in your heart,
the hole they made can be filled by them, and only them. I truthfully don’t think
I’ll ever let go of him fully either.”

"I guess sometimes maybe it really is best to leave what’s in the past in the past.
It’s natural human instinct to want to know everything, but sometimes the things

you want to know simply are not as important as the people you want to know
them about. Of course some of these things are important, for they are the things

that helped to shape the person into who they are today, and those things are
worth knowing. But the little things that have no effect on them now, and they’re
better off being left in the past, those are the things that we need to learn to drop.

Those are the ones that when it comes down to it, they don’t really matter. Not
nearly as much as the person you’re fighting with does. And that is when you need

to just let it go, move on, and accept the person you love for who he or she is.”

"I am hopelessly in love with a memory. An echo from another time, another
place.”

"you see, his fingertips didn’t bruise me,
they left scars. that’s the saddest part.

at least bruises turn from purple to blue,
and back to the color of skin. but scars,

they never completely fade. it’s my reminder:
he was here. and here. and there.

his name is etched on my bones, and if we’d
open my chest, it’d be written across the heart
that beats for him while his beats for her. the
only mark i left on him was the lipstick stain

he washed off in the shower, the ink stains
on the love letters he threw away. i was never
his only girl, i was his sunday, love you for the
night, girl. he was my only, i’ll love you for your life, boy.

i’ll love you for your life.”

"I just want to forget everything you ever told me. I want to remember my life
before all of this. Before you. I want to run away and start over. I want to wash
away how uncertain you made me. How scared I was of losing you. How you left
me anyway. I want to cleanse myself of all self-doubt because I know my love was
enough, hopefully you’ll realize that too. I don’t want to remember the way you
smell after a shower or how your hands feel around my waist. I don’t want to
remember your smirk or the curves in your lips when you smile. I don’t want to
see you on the streets or ever again in my dreams. I don’t want to speak of you or
see you in parts of me I never knew existed. I don’t want to think of you again. I
want to forget the way you made me feel. I’ll soon forget the color of your eyes
and you’ll soon forget mine.”

"I don’t know when it happened, or why it
happened. You just stopped. There were
no more phone calls in the middle of the
night when you couldn’t sleep, no more

texts that read, “I miss you.” The only time
you said I was beautiful, was when I asked
if I was. It’s not that I needed your validation,
I just missed hearing it. When you answered
the phone your voice sounded dull, the excuses
were, “I’m tired.” “I don’t feel well.” I never
knew the right words to say until after the
conversation ended, my talking just felt like
crunching leaves under your feet. You’d walk
over me subconsciously, I felt like I was the
gum on the bottom of your shoe. You’d get

rid of me faster than you’d let me stay.
I always held on a little too tight, a little too
long, I guess I was just waiting for the favor

to be returned. But your arms became
cemented to your sides, like walls around
your soul. I became the vines growing up
the bricks, trying to be tall enough to get a
peek of what’s behind them. I never was

tall enough, I never was good enough.
Soon enough the I love you’s just slipped
your mind, you forgot. I stopped noticing
how long it took you to reply, it became
our new normal. The nights we went without
talking, the mornings that went without the
good, the days we talked for five minutes, it
was all normal. You stopped. So, I’ll stop.

Or at least, I’ll try..”

"the first person you kiss for real, and i don’t mean on the lips, because no, that’s
not what real means, i mean the first person you kiss with your soul, with your
entire being. that one you’ll remember for the rest of your life. and you won’t
remember the taste of their lips, or the feel of their skin, but you will remember
the way your whole body seemed to tingle for hours after.

you might not remember the first person who held your hand, but you will
remember the one whose hand you sought. you will remember the darkness, and
how it seemed like your hand was travelling for a million light years, and their
skin was warm, and your fingers were shaking. you will remember uncertainty,
and you will remember how good it felt to be let in.

the one who breaks your heart for the first time. and see, here’s the thing, the
really, really tricky thing - it doesn’t have to be the first person you kiss, or the
first person you’ve ever you thought you loved, or the first one you really let
inside your heart. it doesn’t have to be any of the firsts in your life, and you can’t
prepare for it and you can’t anticipate it and you won’t be able to just get over it,
even with all the ice cream and chocolate and shopping trips. the first person who
breaks your heart you will remember forever, but here’s a secret - you won’t love
them forever, and you will only miss them for a little while. just a little while
longer.

the one who mends your heart. and it might be weeks, months or years later, but
you will meet someone and suddenly it will feel like you are whole again and not
just pieces that don’t quite fit and don’t make any sense. you will meet someone
and you will remember all the things you used to love about love, having someone
to love in your life, you will remember how kissing used to be fun and staying up
to talk until 3am never felt like a waste. you will remember and you will feel again.
and their name, the way it felt like relief every time it stumbled off your lips, will
stay with you, long after they’re gone and you’ve moved on.

the perfect one. the one who your friends will love and the one your mother will
bake cakes for. the one who will bring you breakfast in bed and make you cookies
to cheer you up after a bad day. the one who will buy you perfect gifts, and no, i
don’t mean expensive, i mean the things that you will keep for years, because they
were what you always wanted to have, they’re the kind of person you wanted to be.
but see - you won’t really fit, you’ll realise that who you are, and who he sees are
two different beings. them, you will remember, but you will never wonder. you
will be sure when you say goodbye, you will be certain they’re not the one.

the one. and they won’t really be the one, because they’ll do the wrong thing and
say the wrong thing and really, they’ll be nothing like what you’ve imagined. but
you’ll love them and they’ll love you back, the right way, the way that will make
you feel alive, the way that will make you feel light, like you’re floating in a
cloudless sky.”

"Do you regret loving him?

He caused me to feel alive, truly, for the first time when we were fourteen and
standing on a mountain underneath the stars. He made me feel safe when I held
his hand. He told me I was beautiful, and I loved hearing it; I loved believing it.
He whispered his darkest fears to me sitting next to the fire after everyone had
fallen asleep, confided in me his greatest dreams. He made me feel like I mattered.

Do you regret loving him?

His smile gave me butterflies. His laugh was entirely contagious, and hearing his
happiness made me happy. His accomplishments made me feel proud. His eyes
were dark yet they lit up when he looked at me. He was so handsome; I told him
often, but I don’t think he ever believed it. He could not see anything good in
himself, regardless of what I said, yet at the same time he carried himself with
pride. He made me feel like I was lucky.

Do you regret loving him?

He liked to hold my hand when we watched movies with his friends, like I was his
secret. He told me he liked my perfume. He got along with my father and was
polite to my mother. He said my name differently than everyone else’s. He looked
for me in crowded rooms and sighed in relief when he found me. He called me just
to hear my voice. He made me feel like I was special.

Do you regret loving him?

He made promises often. He would make small ones, saying he wouldn’t forget to
bring me my jacket, he would call at 5 o’clock, he would remember to pack a scarf.
He would make large ones, too. He would promise to love me forever. He would
promise to love me when it was difficult. He would promise to be there, always.
He made me feel as if I was worth it.

Do you regret loving him?

He started to forget to call. He started to show up later and later. He began to
forget the important things. He would speak of other girls with his friends, then
attempt to brush it off when he saw I heard. He would snap back. He would roll
his eyes. He would criticize. He would argue, he would make me feel small as his
shouts filled the room. He made me feel as if I didn’t matter.

Do you regret loving him?

He would hold on to me too tightly. He would glare at me as I spoke with anyone
else. He would grow insecure and tell me that I made him feel insignificant. He
would grow irritated when I disagreed. He would get moody, he would blame it on
the medication. He would grow furious, he would blame it on the alcohol. He
made me feel as if I was stuck.

Do you regret loving him?

He didn’t find me beautiful anymore. He pointed out flaw after flaw, saw
blemishes and gave me bruises when he spoke. He would tell other girls they were
pretty. He would tell me that he hated me through slurred words and on low-
quality voice mails. He would tell me he hated himself. He would promise that he
was going to leave me, he would swear this time he meant it. He would come back
just to go again. He made me feel as if I was worthless.

Do you regret loving him?

He gave me everything and nothing. He hated me and he loved me. He thought I
was an angel, he thought I was the devil. He would shove me out the door, he
would run after me. He would push me to the breaking point, he would put

together my broken pieces. He would hit me with cutting words, he would heal me
with flowering sentences. He made me feel everything and nothing all at once.
Do you regret loving him?
He taught me what it was like to love someone so much it hurt. He showed me
what it meant to hate someone yet love them so deeply you did’t know it was
possible.
Do you regret loving him?
He was the first person who saw me for all my flaws and sins and scars and loved
me regardless; he was the first person who knew where they were and cut them
open again and again.
Do you regret loving him?
He made me feel like I was unlovable, he made me feel like I was the only girl in
the room. He gave me some of the best memories of my life.
Do you regret loving him?
He gave me some of my worst memories.
Do you regret loving him?
He told me he loved me. He loved me, he loved me, he loved me.
Do you regret loving him?
I don’t know. I don’t know. I don’t know, I don’t think I’ll ever know for certain.
The only thing I know is that I don’t love him anymore; maybe that means I
never really loved him at all, and how can I regret something that never happened?”

"Do not text him.
You don’t really want to talk to him about the weather or how he is or if he failed

that quiz.
Do not text him.
All you want to say is “I miss you. Please love me again.” But instead you text
him “Hey.” and wait heart in throat for him to respond.
Do not text him.
You don’t really want to text him about how your song came on the radio and it
made you think of him.
Do not text him.
All you want is for him to text you. “I miss you. I love you. Can I come back?”
Do not text him.
That will never be his response.”

"People always say that it hurts at night
and apparently screaming into your pillow at 3am
is the romantic equivalent of being heartbroken.
But sometimes
it’s 9am on a tuesday morning
and you’re standing at the kitchen bench waiting for the toast to pop up And the
smell of dusty sunlight and earl gray tea makes you miss him so much
you don’t know what to do with your hands.”

“i. i will love myself. i will love the messiness of my hair, the wiriness of it, the
defiance. i will love the redness of my lips and the quirkiness of my teeth. i will
love the smallness of my breasts and the fullness of my face. i will love the skin
that heals and forgives. i will love all of me.
ii. i will find order in the chaos of my thoughts. i will find peace.
iii. i will speak the things i want to hear. i will write the things i want to read. i
will be the person i want to meet.
iv. i will reclaim my youth, the freedom of it, the fearlessness, the romance.
v. i will be kind and i will demand kindness.
vi. i will nourish my body the best i can. i will care for it, i will heal it, i will find a
home in it.
vii. i will take too many photos.
viii. i will spend less time on my phone and more time surrounded by people.
ix. i will stop biting my lips.
x. i will cry less and laugh more.
xi. i will stop fearing loss of control.
xii. i will love with a full heart. i will not fear hurt. i will live, now that i know i
can survive.”

"Listen, if you’re going to leave, that’s fine. And I know you promised you
wouldn’t seven months ago while I was crying into your neck but I also know that

sometimes it rains even when it’s not supposed to and sometimes boys kiss girls
they shouldn’t and we tear flowers out of the ground just to watch them die and
things change, so I understand if you’re done. But please, when you’re packing all
of your old sweaters and books, don’t forget to take all your 3 A.M. phone calls and

photographs where we’re smiling so wide it looks like we’ve never known that
feeling in the pit of your stomach when someone screams “I don’t love you

anymore.” Take back every kiss, every night you fell asleep next to me, every
poem I wrote you, every song you sang to me, every “I love you more” fight, every
shock I felt in my skin when you brushed against me. I was never scared of ghosts

until you left but now I see you everywhere and god if you’re going to kill me
please just do it quickly because I see you in everything and it’s making it hard to

breathe.”

“Hearts can break. Yes, hearts can break. Sometimes I think it would be better if
we died when they did, but we don’t”

“1. it’s not your fault when your anxiety or depression flares up and you lose
control of your emotions.
2. always remember: when you want to kill yourself, don’t.
3. you’ll forget all about that boy who broke your heart in ninth grade.
4. always remember: you deserve to fall in love with being alive.
5. don’t blame your ex for your sadness.
6. always remember: be nice to your mother, she loves you.
7. cutting calories won’t make you happy.
8. always remember: don’t feel bad about yourself when someone doesn’t want you.
it’s not you, it’s them. it’s always them.
9. you don’t need anyone else to complete you. you’re whole as you are.
10. always remember: you are alive and that is a truly wonderous thing.
11. don’t hold people hostage in your life when they decide to leave.
12. always remember: you were beautiful long before he told you that you were.
13. the most toxic people in your life can teach you the most valuable lessons.”

“You’re going to meet a boy who won’t even think twice about wanting to date
you, he will care so much about you that he won’t have to choose who he wants to
be with because he will know the only person he wants to be with is with you. He
won’t hurt you, he will love you. He won’t make you cry, he will make you laugh.

He will know that when you say you only want two scoops of ice cream, you
really mean three. He won’t judge you, he will understand. He won’t make you
feel like you are worthless, he will make you feel like a princess. He won’t break
your heart, he will hold it in his hand as if he was holding the world. He won’t
complain when you ask him to watch a romantic movie, he will watch it anyways
because he will know how much you enjoy them. He won’t tell you you’re sexy,
he will instead tell you you’re beautiful. He won’t be embarrassed when you do
something silly in public, because he will be the one next to you being silly with

you.
He won’t be ashamed of you when you tell him your flaws and mistakes, he will

hold you and love you anyways. He won’t make you feel like an object, he will
treat you with respect.

He won’t get angry when you wake him up with a text at 3am because you are on
the verge of breaking down. He will feel special because you trusted him enough to
let him see you in your most vulnerable state. He won’t have to ask you if you are
upset, He will know instantly by the look you have on your face. He won’t let you

go, he will hold you so tight and thank God every night that he put you into his
life.

I promise you this, when you meet that boy, you will realize why it didn’t work
out with someone else.”

"It’s gonna hurt. Fuck, it’s gonna hurt like hell. When you give everything you
have to someone, and it’s still not enough, it’s going to rip you apart inside. Then
it’ll slowly start to get better. You’ll think about things other than them. You’ll
find ways to occupy your mind. Some days you’ll still wake up wanting to call
them just to say good morning. You’ll still spend some days crying and listening
to sad songs that remind you of them. You’ll fall asleep crying because it doesn’t
feel right without them there. That’s okay. It’s okay that it hurts. But it’s okay for
it to get better, too. It’s okay to let yourself heal. It’s okay to go get drunk in hopes
that you’ll get them off your mind, but it’s okay to dance around your room in
your underwear because you feel actually happy, too. Life isn’t going to stop. I
know right now it feels like the world has stopped turning, but it hasn’t. You’ll
make new friends and meet new people. Eventually, you’ll stop thinking about
them altogether. And you might remember them forever. They might have a small
part of you forever. But you’ll change. You’ll grow. And one day you might even
wonder why you loved them, because you recognize that you didn’t deserve to be
hurt like that. It’s okay to be okay.”

“I miss you, but not in the way that I need you
or that I won’t be able to go on without you.
There are so many attachments when telling

someone that you miss them. There are so many
different meaning to that phrase,

or to that confession. So many different ways
to how a person can perceive those words.

I want to tell you that I miss you but I don’t want it
to seem as if I am hopeless without you.
Sometimes I wander off to places

that remind me of you. I can see you standing
beside me admiring the scenery in which

we lost ourselves in. I can see us creating memories
with the wind, with the sunset, with the feel
of day turning into night.

Don’t think that I am not myself without you,
or that I need you here at every moment
to remember that it’s going to be okay.
Just know that I miss you, and if I could

I would take your voice over the silence any day.”

"You will miss him no matter
how nicely or how badly he
treated you and no matter
how long or how little you
had him you will miss
him and you will want him
to be the one that comforts
you and you will want to know
why he did this to you and you
will scream at the world and be
angry even at the flowers that
grow from the soil of the earth
and you will collapse on the floor
like a leaf falling from its tree and
you will feel lost like a tourist in a
foreign city and you will feel so
numb that you will have to check
if your heart is even beating and
I am not going to sugarcoat it for
you and I am not going to tell you
that he will come back and lift you
out of your grave because the truth
is you will have to stitch your body
back together and you will have
to be the one that cleans the
waterfall of tears that have
splashed your cheeks and no
matter how much you wish
for him to come back you will
have to learn that most stars
are already dead in light-years
and you have to be the one
that fixes your own gears of
your contraption because
you are the only one that can
swim when you are drowning
in your own blood.”

"When he says
He doesn’t love you anymore,
Roll your shoulders back
And look him in the eye
Even when it feels like your ribs
Are breaking inward, like spider legs.
When he digs up old aches
That he swore he forgave you for,
Smile
And ask him why he didn’t leave you sooner.
Ignore the way the words feel like sandpaper
Running all the way up your throat to your mouth.
When he blames you
For mistakes that wear his face,
Do not scream.
Do not cry.
Tell him that there are boys
Who would be proud to say they’d loved you.
Tell him that in two years
You won’t even remember his name
And don’t let him see the way you can taste your own lie.
When he leaves
Ignore the howling in your blood
And do not get up after him.
Not even to lock the door.
Do not, do not
Do not.
Smell his shirts when you box them up
To give them back.
Not one.
Swear off dating when you realize
You’re chasing ghosts that wear his smile.
It’s okay to cry over him.
It’s even okay to forgive him.
But do not go back to him.
If he did not know how to love you the first time,
He won’t know how to do it the next.”

"You’re a fighter. I can see it in all your mannerisms: the way you walk, talk, hold
yourself, and look at people. You know that you are made from the passion of a
moment and that you have the stars in your blood. Everything about you screams
“I have been broken and I have overcome.” You want people to test you. You
want people to feel inferior when they look at you. You have scars on your skin
and on your soul and you wear them proudly. You know that the only person who
is allowed to break you is yourself and you will never let that happen again. But
despite all of this you crave love. You want someone who makes you feel soft and
like you don’t have to have it all figured out. You want someone who sees the
scars on your skin and doesn’t run from them, or even just accept them, but
wonders how they got there and what finally made you realize that spilling the
stars from your skin won’t heal the wounds in your heart. Your walls are higher
than even the tallest waves of the ocean that swims behind your eyes when you’re
at your weakest. No one has ever had the courage to walk up to you and look you
in the eyes and say that you aren’t just pretty because someone like you can’t be
confined to society’s standards of pretty. You are so much more than that lousy
word. You have the power of a goddess in your heart and the grace of a pianist in
your soul. You are a fighter; but that doesn’t mean you can’t be a lover. That
doesn’t mean that you don’t deserve to have mountains moved for you. That
doesn’t mean that everyone you touch has to crumble because they can’t handle
the power that courses through your veins. I know you can’t belong to me because
the only person who you belong to is yourself and you’ve worked to hard to have
that taken from you. You are not mine, you are yours and everything in you is
fighting to keep it that way. But I do not wish to own you, just to simply give you
a place to go when you’re tired at the end of the day and no longer wish you were a
fighter.”

"And I think the thing that terrifies me most is that one day, you’ll be the story I’ll
tell my daughter, when she’s curled up in bed, wrapped in blankets and heartbreak,
when she hasn’t eaten anything in days but the voicemails he left her, when she
hasn’t been able to sleep because the goodbye that broke her shatters her bones all
over again every time she closes her fucking eyes. And I’ll climb into bed with her
and she’ll lay her head on my lap and I’ll try to brush him out of her hair and her
tears will soak through my shirt and I’ll tell her about the boy I met when I was
sixteen, who sat next to me in math class, who I fell in love with after two weeks,
who saved me, who fucking destroyed me. And I’ll tell her about how it hurt. It
hurt so badly it almost killed me. It hurt so badly my mother stopped going to
work so she could stay home and make sure I didn’t take too many pills. And then
I’ll tell her about how it got better. How it stopped hurting. How I stopped
bleeding. My mother went back to work. I got out of bed. But I won’t tell her that
sometimes I still have dreams about you and can hardly breathe the next day or
about the pictures of you I have hidden in the attic.”