It’s Good to Be The King

Vol. 2 Issue 4 February 2006 Monthly

America

We’re the fast
food nation
and we like it

that way!!

Page 5

It’s Good to Be The King

WHAT’S GOING ON AT I’m Not Geostrophic Geoff!

THE SMITH HAVEN MALL?
Answers to questions on the never
ending construction
Page 3

THE BEST FILMS COMING
YOUR WAY IN 2006
Inside: Page 4
From Superman to My Super Ex-Girl-
friend...
Page 12

This Issue USG Judicial Scandal

Unhappy with both parties? By Justice Alexsandra Borodkin the president filled up the remaining seats- void and the document I had written re-
There’s always the Libertarians. --all without violating the USG Constitution placed them.
I was appointed to the Undergradu- or the Judiciary bylaws of 2003.
Page 7 ate Student Government Supreme Court in The court’s retaliation, however, was
February of 2005 by former President Jared That meeting was the beginning of the unprecedented. After receiving several very
Right Wing Girls Are Hot... Wong. But my appointment had come in the court’s descent into illegitimacy. The chief memorable e-mails, the remaining justices
midst of a great power struggle between the justice due to the audacity of his charges, decided to risk the creation of a terrible prec-
Page 9 president and the then presiding Chief Jus- disrespect for the senate, and flagrant tem- edent and the imminent downfall of the third
tice Vlad Frantz. I remember sitting at the per, at the end of the night ended up with branch of government. The chief justice al-
WTF?! Picture beginning of the senate meeting in which lowed his girlfriend, Justice Susana Katz to
the chief justice was going to ask for the Justice Alexsandra Borodkin file a brief to their own court concerning the
Guy steals cell phone, takes photos impeachment of the president. I was holding impeachment charges against him. And the Judiciary bylaws with me as the defendant.
of himself, ending up on the net. my notes in my hands, looking over them court remained at a standstill. After my ap- One justice was filing a case against another,
nervously. I was going to defend the presi- pointment, I tried to push in the few meet- in front of a court that had already rendered
Page 14 dent no matter what the consequences were. ings that we actually had (office hours were a negative opinion about its own governing
not required of the justices) to dismiss the document. To make matters even more “help-
XM Radio Vs. Sirius I looked around and saw that the chief injunction and move on with the court case, ful,” the supreme court placed an injunction
justice was there already, and his girlfriend, or declare a mistrial. The court was willing on the new bylaws. So now the whole ju-
Howard Stern or Opie and Antho- Justice Susana Katz, was beside him. There dicial branch was left without a governing
ny? The case for XM radio. were no members of the Judicial Council in “I rewrote the Judiciary document: A dangerous free-for-all.
the gallery, even though the former Chief bylaws... and set up an
Page 7 Judge Artie Flynn, had helped me prepare accountability system. I For the case hearing, I chose the then
my counterarguments against the impeach- did not inform any of my Elections Board Chairman, Robert J. Ro-
Canada becomes a “Red” State. ment. Though it was not that apparent at the colleagues on the supreme mano, to be my co-advocate. The Elections
What about the liberal refugees? time, there was a significant rift between court.” Board had many things to lose. The chair
the Judicial Council and the supreme court. and the Elections Board members had spent
Page 12 The Council was tired of the oppressive and to do neither. I waited for over two months a whole semester reorganizing the agency
morally corrupt environment that members until I decided to do what I thought was nec- and implementing reforms, including free-
The Stony Brook Ice Hockey Team of the supreme court were forcing them to essary to save the Judiciary. With the support dom of speech, into the candidacy process.
ranked #1 in the Northeast. work under. How deep the corruption ran, I of members of the Judicial Council and the And now, with the new Elections Board by-
would discover soon enough. president, I rewrote the Judiciary bylaws. I laws, the agency needed to make sure that
Page 13 wrote a completely new document, I added the candidates had the option of taking their
The reason for the impeachment fell office hours, created time limits for injunc- grievances concerning the elections process
Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the more on the grounds of blackmail than it tions and set up an accountability system. I or results to the appropriate governmental
Month: Angel’s Kiss did on “presidential neglect of duty,” as the did not inform any of my colleagues on the body. That meant that the courts had to be
New! Drunk of the Month chief justice claimed. At that time, before supreme court. After two senate meetings working legitimately.
my appointment, there were five members and one executive council meeting, the old
Page 16 sitting on the supreme court. But there might Judiciary bylaws were declared null and The case hearing lasted for over four
as well have been two. The Associate Chief hours, where I and my co-advocate defend-
Justice, Chris Macchio was in Amsterdam ed the document that had received practi-
for the whole semester, and Justice Christina cally unanimous support from the other
Rodriguez and Justice Matthew Mroz never two branches of government. Justice Katz
rendered any personal opinions on anything. complaint against the Judiciary bylaws in-
But technically speaking there were five cluded many strong, legal arguments, such
justices on the supreme court and the court as “justices holding office hours violate the
was functioning constitutionally. There was principle affirmative action” and creating
no dispute on this fact, but there was a dis- supreme court accountability would “violate
pute involving the C.O.R.E. laws and the the principle of double-jeopardy.” Justice
case had been filed before the supreme court. Katz would later be offered by the current
It was not a legal dispute, however, but a bit- president, Diana Acosta, the position of
ter, political one. chief justice.

That year the C.O.R.E. coalition had We lost the case. The court had now
gained significant seats in the senate and finally legalized its corrupt actions. It had al-
had begun to pass legislative reform involv- lowed four openly biased justices to sit on
ing political and religious clubs as well as a trial, it had allowed a justice to file a brief
organizations. At the beginning of the year, to her own court, and it had struck down its
those involved in the opposition to C.O.R.E. own governing document. The precedent set
filed a case with the supreme court against by the Katz v. Borodkin case was a disaster.
the C.O.R.E. laws. The supreme court then My co-advocate, however, was a little less
decided to use that case as means of politi- grim. In his opinion, we had won also. We
cal blackmail and placed an indefinite in- had broken the court’s silence---it was the
junction on the C.O.R.E. case. Although the first time in eight months that the court had
court could function constitutionally, it just heard a case.
refused to hear any judicial business until
Continued on page

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tradition. Contribute to The Patriot.

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Justin Cleveland
Visit us online at: www.stonybrookpatriot.com Managing Editor Advertising Manager Robert Romano Vice President Virginia Morgan
Rachel O’Brien Chris Dolley Secretary Rachel O’Brien
A paper of the Enduring Freedom Alliance: Jason Frank Treasurer Chris Dolley
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Brian Holt Virginia Morgan Leslie Mescallado

Disclaimer: The views expressed in the opinions Legal Advisor Staff Photographer Davey Jones
columns are not necessarily the opinions of The Alexsandra Borodkin James Davis Chris Pitera
Byung Min Sa
Patriot or its editorial staff. Proofreading Editor Contributing Photographer Brett Denyer
Megan Gaffey Mark Murphy

The Patriot - February 2006

Smith Haven’s Big Plans The Pill Shown
to Decrease
Sexual Desire

Sears entrance looks barren as small stores are being moved out to make way for new ones. Inset: a pardon our appearance By Erica Smith
sign, explaining the new renovations at the mall.
The birth control pill may decrease sexual
Lifestyle Center Planned in Mall Expansion desire, even months after women stop taking it
says a new study from Boston University Medi-
By Rachel O’Brien An open-air shopping center which will ry, which at the moment has no locations in cal Center.
be called the “Lifestyle Center”, is planned Suffolk County. A Dick’s Sporting Goods,
The Smith Haven Mall, long overdue to be built where Stern’s is currently lo- a Barnes & Noble and a Macy’s Furniture The leaders of the study were Claudia
for a makeover, is receiving a face lift at the cated. The old Stern’s location will provide Store will also be added. Between the Life- Panzer, MD and Irwin Goldstein, MD. Panzer
price of $75 million. Located on Route 347, approximately 240,000 square feet of space style Center and the existing mall, 20 other is now in practice in Denver. Goldstein is Edi-
Nesconset Highway, the mall is home to and an additional 185,000 square feet will new stores are expected to open within the tor-in-Chief of the Journal of Sexual Medicine.
over 130 stores including Eddie Bauer, Ann be added to build the Lifestyle Center. next year. There is no word yet on what The study appeared in the January issue of this
Taylor, Hot Topic, Abercrombie and Fitch, these new stores will be. journal.
Victoria’s Secret, FYE, H & M, Banana Re- The open-air shopping center, as the
public, Spencer Gifts, Gap, Bath and Body spokesman described it, will be a building The demolition of Stern’s is expected The study followed three groups of wom-
Works and Foot Locker. separate from the mall where shoppers will soon, with construction of the Lifestyle an. 62 were using birth control pills of various
be able to enter individual stores with side- Center soon following. kinds, 39 had used the pill for at least six months
According to a spokesman for the mall, walks, walkways and manicured landscape. but stopped at the beginning of the study, and 23
Smith Haven is scheduled for a major con- The mall has recently been relocating had never used the pill. The average age for the
struction project that could take up to a year One of the major projects of the Life- the smaller stores, formerly near the Sears groups was 32, 32 and 36, respectively.
to complete. style Center will be the addition of a very wing, to other areas of the mall to make way
popular restaurant, The Cheesecake Facto- for new stores to set up shop. The researchers found that the group who
continued using the birth control had increased
amounts of a protein in their blood stream called
“sex hormone binding globulin.” High levels
of that protein can lower testosterone, which
can cause decreased sexual desire in men and
women alike. And yes, women do have a small
amount of testosterone in them.

Study co-author Dr. Andre Guay, director
of the Center for Sexual Function/Endocrinol-
ogy, said, “We have known for a long time that
30 to 40 percent of women on birth control pills
have decreased libido.”

The surprising part was that the group who
had stopped taking the pill continued to have
higher levels of this protein than the women
who had never taken the pill. These women
were followed for up to a year and continued to
have low testosterone levels and low sex drive.

Dr. Goldstein said, “Everybody thought
that when you stopped the pill that everything
returned to normal. What we are finding is that
is not the case.”

Dr. Panzer pointed out the importance of
physicians telling their patients of potential
side effects of the pill, such as decreased desire,
arousal, decreased lubrication and increased
sexual pain. She added that if woman complain
of these symptoms, “it is crucial to recognize
the link between sexual dysfunction and the oral
contraceptive and not to attribute these com-
plaints solely to psychological causes.”

The researchers acknowledged that more
studies will need to be done to support these
findings. In the meantime, it’s important to
consider these drawbacks when choosing a con-
traceptive.

The End of the Movie Business? Our Mission: The goal of The Patriot is
to offer an alternative point of view to the
By Andrew Curran high definition cable channels. They have Wagner believes that his new way of students of Stony Brook University. It is
created a studio that could revolutionize the distribution will help provide new growth a paper dedicated to raising awareness of
It could be the beginning of the end movie industry. opportunities for the industry. “Only about student issues on campus, and conservative
for the movie industry when the low budget 10 percent of the population are active mov- issues on the national scene. While it does
movie, Bubble, hits theaters on January 27. By itself this is not something that iegoers, I want to reach that other 90 per- not actively seek controversy, The Patriot
On opening day, the film will be released not would cause Hollywood to crumble, al- cent.” He believes that people who don’t go strives to offer opinions and news that will
only in the theaters, but also simultaneously though it could hurt the studios and movie to the movie theater will pay up to view the encourage the students of this campus to ask
on DVD and high definition cable channels. theater chain revenues. Currently, studios newest releases from their living room. themselves what their true values are. It is
The innovators of this controversial distri- release a film in the theater for six weeks dedicated to building upon and fostering the
bution channel are Mark Cuban and Todd or longer, and then it comes out on DVD, Many think that change is long overdue conservative views that are strong among so
Wagner. They have produced other films where consumers pay the industry again to in the movie industry, with tickets costing many of us, yet suppressed in our community.
as well including, “Good Night and Good buy or rent it. Next, the film goes to pre- over ten dollars per show in major theaters. But ideology aside, all of our news will be
Luck.” mium cable channels who pay the studios to People like Todd Wagner and Mark Cuban bound to three standards; we will always be
show the film. Then the networks pay the believe that by challenging the established factual, sensible, and reasonable.
They started with a production com- studios to air it on free television. It’s easy path, they’re creating alternatives that will
pany and added to it with the purchase of to see why the studios would be reluctant provide a more economically competitive
the Landmark Theater chain along with two to change. environment.

The Patriot - February 2006

After the huge response we received from last issue’s epic account of the legendary Geostrophic Geoff, The Patriot decided to give our readers a little follow up.

I Am Not Geostrophic Geoff!

By Brian Holt You seemed angry that You obviously read the you think of one?
people mistake you for article on Geoff in the last I have a few. There’s Billy
“Who is this guy and where are his shoes?” You and many others here at Geoff. How often does that issue of The Patriot. Now Dick cause of my name –
Stony Brook may have asked this very question as found on the “Who the Hell happen? that you know all about him, William Richard. There’s also
is the Napoleon Dynamite Look Alike Around Campus?” profile on Facebook. In the beginning it happened in what ways are you not Red Cup Willie because of the
Many have seen the real Geostrophic Geoff and wondered what his deal was, every day. Up until the story like him? red cup I carry around with me
but then there’s Stony Brook University Senior Will Richard. Due to a few came out, maybe once a week Well, first off… the bare feet at all times.
physical similarities combined with the general confusion over the real Geoff, I’d get it. There’s even a thing. I mean sometimes I
poor Will was forced to field almost as many questions about Geoff as the real Facebook thing on it and they do that but only during the Sounds like you both kind
Geoff himself. Many of the perplexed masses thought Will was Geostrophic write to me and ask. summer or only when I’m of have superhero names.
Geoff. His build and curly blond hair may have confused the less enlightened drunk. I’m Irish. I drank right Superman has an arch
rank and file, but make no mistake –this guy is no Geostrophic Geoff. Can you give some examples before I sat down here. nemesis named Bizzaro who
of what they ask you? may resemble him but is his
By the end of last semester, Will had grown somewhat complacent to all Why were you doing yoga in That’s a big difference right polar opposite. Would you
this. However, after seeing last issue’s cover story, his attitude changed. your tighty whities outside the there. Geoff doesn’t drink at consider yourself the Bizzaro
library yesterday or something all remember? He won’t go version of Geostrophic
“I hate this guy!” Will yelled as he slammed down the Geostrophic Geoff like that? I just tell them that near alcohol. Geoff? In other words,
covered edition of The Patriot. “Now they won’t ever leave me alone!” Clearly I’m not that guy, but that’s not Ha! I have a keg-o-rator in do you think you’re his
frustrated by all this, Will decided to clear the air. “I AM NOT GEOSTROPHIC enough for them sometimes. I my room. I’ve gone through complete polar opposite?
GEOFF!” get it all the time. 13 kegs this semester. They I guess so. I mean obviously
all had girl names like Betsy. there are a lot of differences
We named them like naming between us, but we do have
hurricanes. some similarities too. We both
run. Although, I wear shoes
Speaking of names, Geoff when I do it. We both are
has a cool nickname. Do you going to be studying abroad.
have one too? If not, could Different places though. He’ll
be in Russia and I’ll be in
Australia.

So lastly, now that you’re
finally face to face with the
one and only Geostrophic
Geoff, are there any
questions you want to ask
him?
Dude, what’s with those tighty
whities?

The Patriot - February 2006

It’s Good to Be The King!

By Erik Berte is that kids can’t buy cigarettes until companies like McDonald’s Have You Had Your Break Today?
they’re 18 in most states anyway, 19 are out to make money off of
Okay so Americans, in gen- here in Suffolk County thanks to our addicted customers (yeah, he
eral, are getting fatter… But even benevolent county legislature.
if they are, recent studies show that actually claimed that people
Americans are also growing (no pun But junk food and fast food
intended) more accepting of people is something that kids can get hold can become addicted to the
with “more to love” body types. of. We all remember begging our
That aside, the “obesity epidemic” is mom’s to get this or get that for us at food there) and are caus-
being blown way out of proportion the supermarket. A lot of times we
in many aspects and much of this is first saw the product that we wanted ing the obesity problem in
due to typical media hysteria. on a television commercial.
America. He also claimed
Furthermore, kids are be- Well now, believe it or not,
ing denied the tasty goodness of there are actually law suits being that the companies manipu-
Coca-Cola and potato chips in high brought against companies such as
schools across the country, and there Kellogg’s for marketing products late children by creating car-
isn’t even any evidence that moder- like “sugary cereals” that they deem
ate consumption of these so-called unhealthy to kids. And we’ve al- toon characters like Ronald Nickname Mickey D’s BK Lounge (Thanks Dane)
“empty calories” is as detrimental to
their health as some “experts” make Being obese isn’t all bad. McDonald and The Burger Current Motto “I’m lovin’ it” “Have it your way”
them out to be. Thanks to her size, look what King. Sound familiar? Trademark Big Mac Whopper
this woman can pull off! Burger
A lot of this hysteria is a result The way he does this,
of the next round of big law suits, ready seen suits over the past few though, is pretty ridiculous,
following the same pattern of suits years against McDonald’s. They
against “Big Tobacco.” And it all believe these items to be increasing I think. The guy ate 5,000 Calories in 560 670
follows the strange logic that people childhood obesity in the country, calories worth of McDon- Trademark Over 30,000 Over 11,000
are stupid and so easily manipulated another claim yet to be substantiat- ald’s every day for thirty San Bernardino, CA
into believing anything that they ed. How many of us grew up eating days. That’s 3,000 calories Burger Miami, FL
couldn’t possibly be responsible for Lucky Charms or Captain Crunch? more than what most people Current
their own actions. These are “sugary cereals” and have need in their diet. Then he Number of
they made us all incredibly obese, acted surprised when strange Locations
We’ve known about the dan- unhealthy young adults? At least I things started happening to First Restau-
gers of smoking for decades. know I’m not fat. his body. It’s all McDon- rant Location
Health professionals and the gov-
ernment have warned against it for Much of this trend can be at- ald’s fault, right? Of course “Manipulat- Ronald McDonald The King
the longest time. As we all know, tributed to the media, just like many you’re going to get fat and ing” Cartoon
there are even large warnings on other forms of hysteria. Movies sick from eating that much,
cigarettes that basically say, “yeah, like Morgan Spurlock’s “Super Size but the point is that almost Character
smoke these and you’re gonna get Me,” attempt to convince people that
lung cancer and die.” Apparently no one actually eats like that.
that’s not enough for some of the
people who sue tobacco companies So what was he trying to
and charge that they’ve been manip-
ulated into smoking them and were do? Well, just like all those evil fast an apple pie in my bag instead of gain . . . it is not the place of the
unaware of the dangers.
food corporations, Spurlock wants my apple dippers doesn’t mean I’m law to protect them from their own
Big lawyers then went on to
make the case that evil tobacco to make money too, as do the law- going to say, ‘Oh, I can eat the apple excesses. Nobody is forced to eat at
companies purposely target kids in
their advertising with cartoon char- yers who will likely make big bucks pie.’” McDonald’s. . . . Even more perti-
acters like Joe Camel. Whether this
is true or not, the fact of the matter off of this next round of law suits. The fact of the matter is that nent, nobody is forced to supersize

To further disprove the film, a Spurlock could have eaten 5,000 their meal or choose less healthy

few people actually went on “Mc- calories of food each day at practi- options on the menu.”

Donald’s Only” diets. One of them, cally any restaurant and would have I don’t think that could have

35-year-old mother, Merab Morgan, still seen similar results. It’s ridicu- been put any more perfectly. So it

ate three meals a day at a McDon- lous to target one fast food chain seems at the moment that this is-

ald’s restaurant chain for ninety and say that it’s their entire fault. sue has been temporarily resolved,

days and actually lost 37 pounds. What ever happened to personal but if the big lawyers get their way

She counted calories and limited responsibility? People choose what and the media continue their trend

her intake to 1400 per day. And she they eat and no one can force them of fast food and junk food hysteria,

wasn’t only eating salads; she in- to eat anything they don’t want. we could see a recurrence of suits.

cluded burgers as well. “I thought Thankfully in 2003, U.S. Dis- Or worse yet, this could replace

it’s two birds with one stone — to trict Judge Robert Sweet ruled that the dwindling number of tobacco

lose weight and to prove a point for “any liability based on over-con- cases.

the little fat people,” Morgan said. sumption is doomed if the conse-

“Just because they accidentally put quences of such over-consumption “Birdy, was your
are common knowl- father a meat burglar?”
“Here’s why I ask... because it looks

edge… If a person like someone stole two fine hams
knows or should and shoved them down the back
of your dress.”

know that eating

copious orders of

supersized McDon-

ald’s products is un-

healthy and may

result in weight

According to James Painter, professor at Eastern Illinois University, even cheeseburgers and fries It’s Snow White and the “Seven Kings”: Wheezy, Puffy, Stuffy, Burpy,
can occasionally be included in a healthy diet. Healthy choices can be found at every fast-food Fatty, Baldy, and Kingy.
restaurant.

The Patriot - February 2006

Opinions

B e n The What About
Hebrew Microsoft’s
Hammer Rights?
answers

America Erik Berte painting had to be created? Would
that go over very well? I think not.
Dear Hebrew Hammer: Poor Microsoft! The South At least in this country, that would
Korean Fair Trade Commission be considered an infringement on
I recently attended the premiere of your latest book HammerTIME: The true story of the Hebrew Hammer. recently decided that Microsoft the first amendment, the freedom
Although I love your book, I think that asking $29.95 for an autographed copy is simply highway robbery! I did something wrong by includ- of speech and expression. I think
have written many letters to you as well as to your agent, your publisher, and every major newspaper in the ing Windows/MSN Messenger software can be seen as a form of
United States. To this date, I have not received a response from anybody which acknowledges my complaints. I with Windows XP. Apparently this expression too.
have been in contact with my lawyers about what to do about this situation, and I am considering filing a class- is something very wrong because
action lawsuit on behalf of everyone who was overcharged for your book. The reason I mention our
Dr. Linda Rosenblatt country is because, as almost ev-
Great Neck, NY eryone knows, Microsoft was fac-
ing lawsuits in the U.S. for similar
The Hammer Says: “crimes.” I’d argue that antitrust

Linda- your constant kvetching reminds us all of our mothers, and is a source of terror to all young Jewish
boys worldwide. In fact, I would rather face down a battalion of terrorists than put up with any more of your
meshuggeneh nagging. On the advice of my attorney (yes, The Hebrew Hammer has an attorney) I have
decided to refund 15% of the purchase price, as well as awarding you a $25 gift card to Abercrombie and Fitch
which was given to me as a present that I would probably have never used.

Dear Hebrew Hammer: Bill Gates was actually once arrested for a traffic violation.

As a Jew living in the Scottish Highlands, it is more than a wee bit difficult to keep up with events that relate they’re not only being fined, but laws essentially violate the first
to us Jews, you know. I wrote this letter just wanting to know if the legends are true. Are you really 7 feet tall? being told that they have to re- amendment and I’d love to see the
Can you shoot fireballs from your eyes and lightning out of your arse? lease another version of Windows Supreme Court rule on this.
Moishe McFadden XP in that country that doesn’t in-
Inverness, Scotland clude the messenger program. The Anyway, Microsoft at one
commission argues that Microsoft point even threatened to remove
The Hammer Says: wasn’t giving smaller companies in their operating system from South
the area a “fair” shot at having their Korea all together, which I think
Moishe- The only person I know who can do those things is William Wallace, national hero of Scotland. As a messaging program used. would be the best thing for them to
neurotic Jew, I would never consider doing such unsanitary things even if my life depended on it. As for my do from a moral standpoint (though
height, I have an average height for a Jew, which is about 5’2. What’s so unfair about Micro- maybe not financially since they
soft including another Microsoft would likely lose money on it).
Dear Hebrew Hammer: program with their operating sys- Governments that restrict freedom
tem that they created? This kind should have to face consequences
One of the junior partners in my law firm introduced me to your column about six months ago. The letters of logic just never has and never for what they do and this would
you publish are oftentimes offensive and serve to perpetuate negative stereotypes about the Jewish people. will make any moral sense to me. be a perfect way for Microsoft to
Therefore, I have cancelled my subscription to The Patriot, and will ask my friends to do the same. So what if most computers around make its point. South Korean citi-
Forsythe E. Bernstein III the world run Microsoft Windows? zens would have a very difficult
Director, Kantrowitz, Bernstein, & Broflovski, LTD That doesn’t change anything. As time getting their hands on a copy
far as I’m concerned, they own of Windows in the future if Micro-
The Hammer Says: the product and should be able to soft took such action. Maybe then
do anything they want with it. If they’d think twice about messing
Forsythe- (If that is actually your real name) As a Jew working in a prestigious law firm, you should not be they wanted to make it impossible with the company’s rights.
lecturing me about stereotypes. In fact, I am actually breaking down stereotypes by being a Jew who is not for consumers to use any other
trying his best to rule the world with an iron fist. As for cancelling your subscription to this newspaper, I would program for messaging that would I can’t help but compare this
like to let you know that The Patriot does not offer subscriptions, but I will be, nonetheless, refunding your even be fair, in my opinion. The sort of situation to Ayn Rand’s
money to avoid a possible lawsuit. key idea here is that it’s their oper- book, Atlas Shrugged (Actually, I
ating system. No one can tell them can compare tons of things going
Dear Hebrew Hammer what they can do with it. on in this world to the book). In the
book, the creative, intelligent, pro-
Hammer! When was the last time you went to synagogue? Your mother is always asking when you will come Here’s a good analogy I ductive people of America essen-
to services so she can show you off to all of her friends, and wants to find you a nice Jewish girl to marry, thought up a while ago. Software, tially protested the government’s
unlike that shiksa you were going out with a few months ago. You’re not still going out with her, are you? like Windows or any application socialistic abuses on them. One by
Because you promised me that you were done with shiksas, and it would just break your mother’s heart to find really, is copyrighted material that one they disappeared, and the coun-
out that you were lying to her. is arguably a work of art. It was cre- try fell apart in a matter of months.
Rabbi Leonard “Lenny” Kravitz ated by someone. It was their idea These productive people create ev-
Managing Rabbi, Temple Beth-El to make it. Now what would people erything we take for granted in this
think if a government put out strict, world and leeching off of them is
The Hammer Says: mandatory guidelines on how a not only wrong, but dangerous.

Rabbi, I have said before and I will say it again: I am too busy defending the Jews of the world to attend your
services on every single Saturday. Besides, all of the attractive girls in the synagogue are already married to
doctors, lawyers and businessmen. If those women looked beyond the fact that I am not paid well, I wouldn’t
have to date goyim. But unless I have six zeros affixed to my salary, I am a failure in the eyes of a Jewish
woman.

Note to readers: The Hebrew Hammer is looking for an administrative assistant to help him with paperwork.
Must be between the ages of 18-24, female, attractive, preferably blue eyes and blonde hair. Must be willing to
travel extensively to such dangerous places such as Hawaii, Aruba, and the French Riviera. No job skills needed.

The Patriot - February 2006

Sirius-ly Not That Cool What Grinds
My Gears
Jason Frank ball broadcasts, and traffic and weather invented everything from shocking radio
for every city in the nation. However, to the phillips head screwdriver. Opie Peter Griffin
There is a new trend in today’s ra- the most important reasons for XM’s and Anthony have come on very strong
dio-listening society. An alternative to superiority lie within their equipment, since their return to radio after they were 1. When you’ve accidentally broken something
the traditional terrestrial-based radio and featured radio talk show Opie and exiled because of the now famous St. in someone’s house and the host doesn’t try to comfort
options, known as AM and FM is now Anthony. Patrick’s cathedral stunt. This stunt was you afterwards. You know, by saying something simple
being offered and its popularity is grow- conducted back in 2002 while Opie and like, “Oh… it was broken already,” or “It does that all
ing rapidly. This innovative choice is be- While Sirius offers oversized radio Anthony were featured on 102.7 WNEW the time.”
ing offered by satellite radio. Currently, units, and the dated and past-his-prime in New York City, and the show was syn-
there are two satellite radio companies Howard Stern; XM offers the highest dicated in many other cities including 2. When one of those annoying little brats rolls by on
competing closely for a share of this technology, and the genius of radio per- Boston, Philadelphia, Washington DC, their Healies shoes and you have the sudden urge to knock
booming market: Sirius and XM. sonalities Opie and Anthony. In fact, and Cleveland. them violently to the pavement but know at the same time
Sirius does not even offer a device for that society does not permit you to do so.
First, what are the advantages of listening on the go. They claim to, how- While exact ratings are not avail-
satellite radio? Well, for one, it offers able, XM has more than twice the sub- 3. When you’re sitting on one of those leather sofas
uncensored music the way it was meant ever, with tricky wording. The fact is, scribers than Sirius. This means Opie and you’re thigh rubs against it, emitting a loud, ripping
to be heard. As its name suggests, satel- this device allows you to record Sirius and Anthony now have a larger audi- noise, and you know you have to rub your leg against it
lite radio is broadcast by way of satellite, broadcasts, and listen to them at a later ence than Howard Stern. This is likely again in an attempt to make the same noise to prove to the
so the sound is unmistakably clearer. No time. XM offers a device called the XM assisted by the genius impressions con- public that it wasn’t a fart, but it sounds nothing like the
more bleeps or awkward silences during MyFi, which does indeed allow you ducted by Anthony, and the brutal, yet initial noise at all.
a good song, and the DJs do not have to to listen to XM on the go. XM is also refreshing comedy of Mr. Jim Norton;
worry about using the dump button when on the verge of debuting a new device, whose birthday is actually occurring 4. Wondering if the guy who just prepared your meal
a caller is on the phone. similar to the MyFi, but it will be even as I write this. None of this would be is the one who scribbled “Shove it!” on the sign that reads
smaller in size and also include the abil- possible without the radio formula put “Employees must was hands after using rest room.”
Another great aspect of satellite ra- ity to download and play MP3s, much forward and enforced by the boyish, yet
dio is the wide selection that is offered. like an Ipod. handsome, Opie. Together, they work as 5. Those asinine new Dunkin’ Donuts commercials.
Both Sirius and XM each offer hundreds a team, to put on the best radio show they Haven’t heard one yet? I’ll give you an example of my
of music channels, catering to essential- Those who are not familiar with can on a consistent basis. own: “Hi my name is Peter and I was on my way to the
ly everyone’s taste. Regardless of your Howard Stern and/or Opie and Anthony clinic to get my girlfriend the morning after pill, but I
mood, there will be a channel to suit your must know the differences to make a wise To put the icing on the cake, XM needed my morning cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee. The
pleasure. There are also channels for decision. Howard Stern was no doubt a ingeniously gave themselves a name closest one was thirty miles out of my way so by the time
news, traffic, weather, sports, and com- pioneer in radio many years ago, but in which can easily become a household I got to the clinic it was closed. And while I’d like to be
edy. The variety of satellite radio greatly recent years he has turned into a whin- name. With everyone familiar with the able to proudly introduce you to my family, my girlfriend
exceeds the selection, or lack thereof, ing, sniffling baby who claims he has traditional radio bands of AM and FM, died during childbirth and Jr. was born retarded and is cur-
that is available with terrestrial radio. XM seems like a logical third option. rently institutionalized in a home, but damn that was one
Sirius is named after a star, and has a dog fine cup of Dunkin’ Donuts coffee.”
So, which company is the one to for the company symbol which has far
choose? Well, in my view, the choice is less radio relevance. This makes XM And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what really grinds
obvious. XM satellite radio offers more the obvious option for those looking my gears.
channel options, live major league base- into getting satellite radio. As far as cost
is concerned, XM is $12.95 per month,
while Sirius is $9.95 per month. The 3
dollar difference is more than justified.

The Libertarian Alternative

We in the United States are worse than being the party seen as ey and simply gives it to others, as Having the distinction of be- Brett Denyer
living in a time during which the corrupt, unpopular, and generally with welfare? Do you think that the ing the country’s largest third party,
true meaning of freedom has been prudish is to be the party that was government should deny you the the Libertarian Party, simply stated, all the hot air from the recent Alito
all but forgotten. It is a time of war, beaten by the corrupt, unpopular, right to manage your own money combines all the positive aspects of confirmation hearings will highlight
of great political division, and of and prudish party, a la, the Demo- and then fund someone else’s re- both the Democrats and the Repub- this enough to make one sick. But
spying on American citizens by a crats. tirement with it, leaving you up the licans with none of the negatives. what we really need is not leaders
government that has far exceeded creek just like social security will? To sum, these are: limited gov- who will protect individual rights
its legitimate bounds. Moreover, The Democrats believe that Do you think that the government ernment, free markets, and peace. when cornered by the confirmation
according to a recent MSNBC poll, freedom entails the confiscation should deny any of its citizens the Libertarians call for the immediate of a new judge and ignore them the
over seventy percent of Americans and redistribution of private prop- legal privileges of marriage just repeal of the income tax, a major rest of the time; we need leaders
feel that both major parties are erty (though so does the GOP, albeit government bureaucracy overhaul who will unfailingly and unflinch-
equally corrupt. Perhaps the sad- to a lesser degree); the complete because they have a different life- to reign in spending of your hard- ingly declare the sovereignty of the
dest part of the current situation inability for individual citizens to style? Do you think that the gov- earned and unfairly-taken money, individual regardless of the way in
is that both major political parties manage their wealth, necessitating ernment has the right to spend our and a removal of the government’s which the political wind may blow.
routinely advocate policies that are what will likely become the world’s money, and more importantly, our clumsy hand in the economy. Ac-
completely antithetical to the idea largest fiscal disaster, i.e., social soldiers’ lives in a war that we initi- cording to the National Libertarian The Libertarian vision of
of freedom, seemingly leaving us security (though this somewhat ated on incomplete information? If Party website (http://www.lp.org/ America is a return to the original
with nowhere to turn. It is time for overlaps with the confiscation of the answer to the above questions is article_85.shtml — check it out for principals upon which this nation
a change. private property); a large and in- no, then there is a party comprised lots of cool info), “Libertarians be- was founded, of the America that
efficient government bureaucracy of people with just your predica- lieve that you have the right to live the framers of the Constitution set
The Republicans, who cur- that sucks down money like a 1985 ment: the Libertarian Party. your life as you wish, without the out to create, where everyone is free
rently have a majority in both hous- Chevy Suburban guzzles gas; and government interfering — as long to live, love, dream, buy, spend, and
es of Congress, claim that freedom foreign policy that kowtows to the as you don’t violate the rights of think in their own way, without the
is a state of existence where the rest of the world through the most others. Politically, this means Lib- government telling you what you
government may spy on its own anti-American organization in the ertarians favor rolling back the size may or may not do. If you feel dis-
citizens at its leisure, where citizens history of the world, the U.N. and cost of government, and elimi- enfranchised by both parties (and
should not have the ability to marry nating laws that stifle the econo- there are many of us who do) then
whom they choose, where women I encourage all readers to ask: my and control people’s personal you should consider the advantages
should not have the option to be the is this really how you want to live, choices.” of the Libertarian alternative, the
ultimate authority over their own to live in tyranny that a nearly om- road to the truest kind of freedom.
bodies, and where the United States nipotent government passes off as Note that the Democrats and
may depose foreign leaders as it freedom as it consolidates more and Republicans both cite their devo-
pleases on bad intelligence. Fortu- more power for itself? Do you like tion to individual liberties when
nately for the GOP, the only thing the fact that the government effec- it is convenient; a quick review of
tively steals your hard-earned mon-

The Patriot - February 2006

How To Get Rid of a Roommate

Your Worst Nightmare...

Okay, here’s the situation: You have a shitty room- must be called. Scores must be settled. This stalemate must
mate. This person must be corrected. And if this person come to an end. One of you isn’t having this anymore.
cannot be corrected? They must be destroyed!
But maybe it isn’t so bad. Maybe you just have an-
Male or female, chances are you will get a shitty other person who would make a better fit and this stubborn
roommate. It will happen. You will draw the short straw obstacle is just getting in the way.
and you will get stuck with some worthless loser who
continually smells bad, possibly ruins your life, and just There’s no malice; this is all business. WRONG. That
generally makes everything miserable. Or maybe you are kind of mentality will only serve to ruin your chances in
that asshole and you smell bad, and make everything mis- winning this battle of will. The opposition must be eradi-
erable. cated, mercilessly.

It doesn’t matter; bottom line is your counterpart You must ruin this person’s life as they continue to
must go. It’s spring semester and there hasn’t been any ruin yours. REVENGE MUST BE HAD… and here’s
let up with this continual downpour of dysfunction. Bluffs your little checklist of what to do when such an occasion
arises.

John Law Sleep Deprivation Poo Psychological Warfare

Everyone hates lawyers. If you’re This is Waco, Texas and that ass- Feces is rarely enjoyed by anyone. You’re smart. Use your head. This
in the dorms you can use residential hole is Davis Koresh. You are the FBI This is the 2,000 pound bomb in your fool isn’t paying attention. Enlighten
life as your unwitting pawn. If you’re and this asshole is going to be listen- arsenal, old and reliable. Everyone has them. If they are paying attention? Then
off-campus it’s the landlord. Dress up ing to Billy Joel at 3am. Oh, wait, this it just lying around and the results are mess with them. First rule: whatever
like a square, put on a happy face and is Long Island; people actually enjoy always the same. Don’t be squeamish. they do, you do to them times ten. If
get to them first. It makes you look like that retard around here. Whatever, pick If you don’t use it, they will. Remem- they stink? You stink. If they’re messy?
the goody-goody in their eyes and they something obnoxious. ber: this is war! You’re messy. Show them the error of
hear your side first. This will cement in their ways. MAKE THEM PAY. If they
their stagnant minds whatever “truths” The Stink Bully Nair are unreceptive you’ll have to engage
or “facts” you need to foist on them. them. Grab their attention. Everyone
Don’t have a life? Don’t bathe. Nair isn’t going to make hair fall comes back to their room when they
They won’t enjoy seeing you There’s no reason you should be do- out. You can empty out your room- need to relax. STRIKE WHEN THEY
and they don’t want to put too much ing anyone any favors in this situation. mate’s shampoo bottle and replace it LEAST EXPECT.
thought into you and whatever paper- If you can’t go full on and just cease with nair, but it won’t have any kind
work you might be causing them. This all bathing at least stop changing your of dramatic effect. It will eat away at Drugs
is their 9-5 and basically you’re screw- socks. If you don’t wear socks start hair and weaken it. And it will smell
ing up their coffee break. You may hap- wearing one pair and only one pair. In a terrible. But only truly weak hair that’s Does your roommate keep drugs
pen upon some suit-and-tie nerd who week they’ll be unbearable. Proceed to been bleached and permed into some around? Steal them. Nothing pisses
actually enjoys these things. As long as soak them in water and wipe them on kind of god awful 80’s nightmare anyone off more than stolen drugs. It
two plus two equals four, they aren’t a mattresses, the insides of dressers, etc. would fall out because of a little nair. doesn’t even matter if you use them or
concern. Stay on their nerdy good side. Oh, what’s that? Your roommate is not because the worst part about losing
Remember, you aren’t ratting anyone Invading Privacy some kind of metrosexual frat boy and drugs is that you can’t cry about it to
out yet. In the end this’ll be settled as only he bleaches his tips? Meh, it still anyone. You look like a total pussy if
it was meant to be. You’re just laying Rifle through this asshole’s shit isn’t going to do anything. Just gouge you whine about misplaced drugs and
the ground-work and cutting off their when they aren’t around. Take pictures his head with a buzzer. If you really if this asshole is stupid enough to leave
options. No interlopers. “Nothing hap- of what it looked like before you do. want to make hair FALL OUT, you’d drugs unattended in a room with a per-
pening here, Officer. We’re all fine This way you can put things back ex- need some truly caustic chemicals like son they aren’t even going to share
upstanding citizens. Yes, Sir. No, Sir. actly as you found them. All kinds of lye or something. Sure you might go to them with well then they freaking de-
Blah blah blah...” secrets lie just beneath the surface. jail, but whatever. serve it.

Still No USG Chief Justice Your Ad Here

Continued from page The Executive Council, headed by President Acosta vetoed the Contact Chris Dolley for
President Acosta, complied with Judiciary bylaws on grounds of more information.
At the beginning of this the petitioner’s request and took personal preference, not on mat-
year, there was a strong legal the matter to the senate, where the ters of constitutionality. Accord- Rates starting at
matter pressing before USG. Executive Council’s decision to ing to the Constitution it takes 2/3
And it meant that I had to make raise the Student Activity Fee was of the senate override the presi- $40
amends with the rest of the court. upheld. The actions taken by the dent’s veto. At the last meeting
The petitioner in the case, Robert Executive Council satisfied the of the Senate, the legislative body [email protected]
J. Romano, filed a brief against petitioner, and he withdrew the had done its job.
the Executive Council claiming matter from the court. However,
that the Student Activity Fee was even though the case was never The position of Chief Justice
raised unconstitutionally. It was held, the court had reasserted its is still open. Justice Katz never
this brief that had actually saved authority. Constitutionally. took the president up on her offer
the court. Working for the first of what’s probably the most im-
time together, we considered the After the case, myself and portant office in USG; member-
petitioner’s brief. The decision other members of the court met ship to the judicial branch requires
was unanimous---the ten (10) in an informal meeting and re- direct approval of the administra-
dollar increase per semester of the considered the Judiciary bylaws tion. The nominating committee
Student Activity Fee (the amount that I had written last year. This approves all candidates for the
disputed) was to be frozen by a time, the decision was in my fa- courts, including that of the chief
temporary injunction until this vor. The court was going to adopt justice. One member of the nomi-
matter was either resolved by the the document I had written with nating committee comes directly
supreme court hearing the case or the more recent modifications: from the Dean of Students’ Of-
by the senate voting on whether the new Judiciary bylaws undid fice, and the other representative
the referendum should be over- the precedent of Katz v. Borod- comes from the Provost Office.
turned. The matter in question was kin. The Judiciary bylaws of 2005 The president has yet to choose a
never decided upon by the court. were unanimously adopted by the chief justice. Until then, the judi-
senate. cial branch is without leadership.

The Patriot - February 2006

Right Wing Girls are Hot!

Like most “Righties” in Hollywood, little information is available on Sarah Michelle Gellar,
known for her role as Buffy in the WB series, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, as well as her role as
Daphne in the Scooby Doo movies. However, she was featured as the Republican Babe of the
Week on the New Jersey GOP website and she’s married to Freddie Prinze Jr. who is also a sus-
pected “Righty.” Here at Stony Brook, we’ve got smart, beautiful conservative-leaning girls.
Among them is a huge fan of Buffy herself, Shawna.

Shawna, 21, Psychology Major

Tell us about yourself.

“I am a full-time student at Stony
Brook University, majoring in psychol-
ogy, where I am the VP for the Stony
Brook Roller Hockey team.

I love online gaming and talking
about politics (I am a loyal Republi-
can). I am a huge movie buff, I like go-
ing to the beach, and watching hockey.
Go Islanders!!

I am laid-back and I like meeting
people who think like me.”

Sarah Michelle Gellar, 28, Actress

What do you think about the celebrities who constantly “Bush Bash”?
“I’ve had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after

me, that’s fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend.”

What are your thoughts on the U.S. action on the Bird Flu?
“I don’t know what that is, but I’m certain I don’t have it. I bathe quite often.”

Is it just me or are these all quotes from Buffy?
“You think?”

Got a camera and a conservative girl?
Send photos to [email protected]

The Patriot - February 2006

Upcoming Superman
Movies Returns

Your guide to the big films of 2006 6.30.06

By Erik Berte

5.5.06

Mission: Impossible III

Not much is known about the plot of this
third installment of the Mission: Impossible
series at the time of publishing. The trailer
showed footage of a man threatening Special
Agent Ethan Hunt (played by Tom Cruise)
with the murder of his girlfriend. This time
the film is being directed by J.J. Abrams,
the creator of TV series Alias, Lost, and
Felicity. Laurence Fishburne, known for his
role as Morpheus in The Matrix, stars in the
film as well.

5.12.06

Poseidon

In the remake of the 1972 classic,
The Poseidon Adventure, a luxury
cruise ship out on a New Year’s
celebration gets hit by a gigantic
tidal wave that flips it over and
practically destroys it. The
remaining survivors must find a
way out by moving to the lowest
parts (or at this point the “highest”)
of the ship. Starring Richard
Dreyfus, Kurt Russell, and Josh
Lucas.

5.19.06

Da Vinci Code

One of the most popular novels
of our time comes to the big
screen. Directed by Ron Howard
and starring Tom Hanks. Expert
in religious symbols, Dr. Robert
Langdon (Hanks), is asked to help
figure out what happened in the case
of a murdered curator of a museum.
A clue left beside the body leads to
clues hidden in Leonardo Da Vinci’s
works of art.

5.26.06 X-Men 3

When a “cure” is discovered that could change mutants to average,
everyday humans, even sharper differences appear between the X-
Men and the Brotherhood of Mutants, led by Magneto (played by
Ian McKellen). Jean Grey, apparently, returns as the Phoenix, and it

appears that she joins forces with
Magneto’s Brotherhood. Patrick
Stewart, who plays Professor
Charles Xavier, said about the
movie, “It’s very intense, it’s very
emotional, it’s very personal about
the individuals that we’ve already
got to know in the first two movies.
It has some astonishing set-piece
sequences. It has a number of
quite significant deaths. [From]
what I’ve seen so far, I think, it’s
likely to be extraordinary.”

10 The Patriot - February 2006

Syriana Review

In the first Superman movie since 1987, the beloved Anti-American America will not and placing the blame squarely on the
hero (played by Brandon Routh) returns after a long Film Justifies let it grow. United States of America.
absence, while he spent time on planet Krypton. While Terrorism,
an old nemesis attempts to make him forever powerless, Victimizes Iran The movie To top it all off, it was not even a
Superman tries to win back the heart of Lois Lane (Kate makes the claim positive cinematic experience. Cloo-
Bosworth), who has since moved on with her life. Kevin By Jason Frank that America’s ney was average in his role at best.
Spacey also stars in this film as Lex Luthor. interest in Irani- The passive aggressive, melodramatic
Currently in theaters, Syriana is an oil has created style of Clooney in the film eventually
7.7.06 the film which George Clooney execu- an atmosphere wears thin. Damon was also sub par,
tively produced and starred in. Taking in that country but it was not totally his fault. His
Pirates of the Caribbean: place in the present, the movie focuses which is ripe for character was hardly developed, unin-
Dead Man’s Chest on the relationship between major tyranny. This is teresting, and relatively unimportant.
American oil companies and the cor- not a surprising
In the greatly anticipated rupt leadership of Iran. Clooney plays viewpoint com- The plot was hard to decipher,
sequel to Pirates of the a CIA operative working on the inside ing from Cloo- and resolutions were not clear. Sev-
Caribbean: Curse of the of Iran. The movie also featured such ney, who plays eral storylines intertwined to form one
Black Pearl, infamous familiar faces as Matt Damon, Aman- devils advocate so much that he may conglomerated, complex, and utterly
Captain Jack Sparrow da Peet, and Jeffrey Wright. Damon actually be mistaken for Lucifer him- confusing movie. I most certainly
(played by Johnny Depp) was a higher up in an American en- self. would not recommend this film. I
returns. Sparrow learns ergy company, and Peet was his wife. would also submit that anyone who
that he owes a blood Wright played the role of a prominent Syriana also makes the ma- praises this film is simply blinded
debt to Davey Jones, lawyer in the political scene of Wash- jor players in the U.S. energy busi- by their own personal agenda, which
the captain of the Flying ington, D.C. ness look like heartless sub-humans. agrees with the messages represented
Dutchman. Halting the Granted, many leaders in the energy in the movie, and is not providing an
wedding of Will Turner This is where I would normally industry are less then honest and rath- objective assessment.
(Orlando Bloom) and describe the plot in detail, had I actu- er greedy, but the portrait painted by
Elizabeth Swan (Keira ally understood it. I’m certainly not this movie was far over the top. I was
Knightley), Jack must the only one who couldn’t figure out surprised that the film did not have
find a way to repay his what was going on. After seeing the scenes of puppies and orphans being
debt or else he faces movie, many people were left wonder- murdered in cold blood by the hands
eternal damnation and ing what had just happened. There of the savage businessmen.
servitude in the afterlife. were a series of storylines revolving
around one main theme: America is In my eyes, this movie was not
7.14.06 bad. This movie spent two hours try- even liberal. As much as it may be
ing to preach that the only reason Iran bothersome to have a politically mo-
My Super is a struggling dictatorship is because tivated film, it can still be well done.
Ex-Girlfriend However, this film was not politically
biased; it was treasonous. This movie
Average New York guy was so blatantly anti-American it made
(played by Luke Wilson) me sick. It was two hours of justifying
breaks up with his girlfriend, terrorism, rationalizing dictatorship,
who he thinks is too needy,
only to find out that she’s Underworld: Evolution
actually a superhero. G-
Girl (Uma Thurman), as By Damon Vetere moments in Evolution. Since most of the characters have al-
she calls herself, attempts to That stated, if you enjoyed Un- ready been introduced in the original
make his life a living hell. Despite what you may have heard, film, there is considerably less dia-
Underworld: Evolution isn’t The Ma- derworld you will love Underworld: logue, which allows director/co-writer
trix with vampires. In fact, the only Evolution. More action, more gore, less Len Wiseman to get right to the good
thing that the Underworld franchise dialogue, and much improved special
shares with The Matrix is leather. stuff: violence. Evolution works
That said, Underworld isn’t the effects really help to elevate this film best when the monsters come out
greatest action/horror series made beyond its predecessor. There are some to play. Something about seeing a
in the last 5 years, let alone the best particularly fun action sequences, in- vampire and a werewolf want to
ever made, made in the last 5 years. cluding the opening scene, that help to kill each other is just cool. What
What the Underworld franchise keep the film moving at a decent pace. helps this is that the special effects
does provide is a healthy dose of in Evolution are great. Impale-
action, monsters, and full moons. ments and beheadings never looked
so good, and the werewolf transfor-
Underworld: Evolution fea- mations still look great. Above all
tures the return of super-hottie else, maybe the best thing that the
Kate Beckinsale to the big screen Underworld franchise has going for
as Selene, a vampire Death Dealer itself right now is that it still takes
who was betrayed by her clan in itself seriously, something that ac-
the original film. The story picks tion/horror fans will appreciate.
up right after the original ends,
with Selene and the werewolf/vam- Even if you don’t particu-
pire hybrid Michael Corvin (Scott larly like the story, there aren’t any
Speedman) searching for the truth cheesy moments or appearances by
behind the war between “Lycans” Triple-H or Jessica Biel. Wiseman
and “Vampyres”, that continues to definitely has a vision for his war. If
rage on in the sequel. this still hasn’t convinced you to go
check out Evolution, just remem-
While Evolution attempts to ber, Kate Beckinsale is in leather
help any newcomers to the fran- the entire time.
chise by revealing several flash-
backs of the previous film, I would RATING: 7.5/10
highly recommend that anyone in-
terested in seeing the film start by view- What to look forward to:
ing the original Underworld first. There Feb.. 17: Night Watch (Nochnoy dozor)
is a lot to digest, and there are far too Mar. 17: V For Vendetta
many characters that have already been
introduced to fully appreciate the key

The Patriot - February 2006 11

Canada Becomes “Red State”

Liberal- American who requested we only Despite fear of CPC-backed ment too,” notes Oliver Queen, refugees. Some have considered
American identify him by his initials. “It was Gestapo troops, many Liberal Ca- “and look how that turned out!” traveling to the Caribbean com-
Refugees Once a lot like home, except not an evil nadians are determined to stay in munist paradise of Cuba, or even
Again Seek Out capitalist dictatorship.” Now AB the country, pointing to the fact that The LADL insists that the fall to Castro-wannabe Hugo Chavez’s
New Home must board his private Hollywood Prime Minister Harper has only of Canada to the “red-state men- Venezuela, but their proximity to
jet and find a country more tolerant managed to win a plurality 36.3% ace” represents the establishment the U.S. lends to fears that the Bush
Satire By Nathan Shapiro of his socialist beliefs. of the vote, forcing him to lead a of a North American axis power, administration may target them
minority government. “It won’t be drawing parallels to the alliance of next for acquisition.
The recent election in Canada The mass migration of liberals, that bad, eh” said Liberal Canadian Germany and Italy in the 1930s and
swept the 12-year Liberal regime both Americans and Canadian, has James Howlett, who now carries a 40’s. Even former socialist safe-ha-
out of power and has given the Con- evoked charges that these emigrants set of hockey sticks with him for vens in Europe have been under-
servative Party of Canada control are unpatriotic. The refugees vehe- self-defense “just in case.” Mr. Queen added: “Unless the mined by conservative movements.
of the government, adding Canada mently deny such charges. “We United Nations stands up to them, Germany’s new Chancellor, Angela
to the multitude of so-called “red love Canada,” said one infuriated The liberal-American Anti Bush and Harper won’t stop until Merkel, comes from a conservative
states” already conquered by Presi- man standing in line for his pass- Defamation League, or LADL, all of the Americas are theirs.” party and has placed improving re-
dent Bush. port, “just not enough to stay when takes a different stance on the mat- lationships with President Bush on
we don’t get our way.” ter. “Hitler had a minority govern- Those nations in which con- her agenda. The European Union
The Prime Minister-desig- servatives may next gain power constitution, which was being tout-
nate Stephen Harper is expected to weighs heavily on the minds of the ed as a means to counter American
strengthen relations with the United power, has been stalled. While such
States and push for domestic re- events seem insignificant, some
forms as well. liberals worry it may turn into the
opening salvo of a conservative
While many view the election coup d’état in Europe.
results as liberation from a corrupt
Liberal government, the large Lib- No matter how many nations
eral-American refugee population the liberal-American refugees find
that immigrated to Canada fol- themselves moving to, conserva-
lowing George Bush’s re-election tives are apt to point out that they
is dismayed. Barely a year after cannot escape reality with an air-
abandoning their own country, they plane ride. The conservative tenets
again find themselves without a of strong national defense, coun-
home. ter-terrorism, small government
and free-market economics appear
“We had thought we found the to eventually stand out as the right
perfect nation,” said AB, a liberal path for any country, whether it’s
Canada or the very heart of social-
ist Europe.

Picture Blog: America at War with Venezuela

Interesting Pictures we King Bush II
Came Across Continues
This Month Empire
Expansion

Satire By Erik Berte

Wait a second! Is that Shirley Bored with the troubles in
Strum Kenney? Iraq, King Bush II decided it was
time to yet again expand the Amer-
ican Empire. His latest target: Chavez makes a toast to King Bush II attempting to appease his
Venezuela. Responding to “Presi- imperial ambitions.
dent” Hugo Chavez’s accusation of
Washington’s “imperialism,” His dictator,” his majesty said. “We the King plans several more attacks
Majesty felt it necessary to clarify shall force the country to live un- to expand our imperialist nation.
that the U.S. is a monarchy, not a der the same tyrannical monarchy
supreme dictatorship. Bush ex- which rules our American Empire, Canadian Prime Minister Paul
plained, “Chavez needs to realize and which our satellite Empire Iraq Martin met with Disgraced Former
that there’s a clear distinction be- now faces. Following the same U.S. Prince Bill Clinton to talk
tween the two types of government. strategy used in Iraq, we will estab- about climate change last Decem-
Venezuela, growing ‘progressively lish a democratic, free government ber. King Bush II had opposed
more autocratic and antidemo- and give all citizens a say in their the Kyoto Protocol for fear that it
cratic,’ is sharply different than the country’s liberated future. In this might harm our evil corporations.
Bush Dynasty.” way, we shall take all of their oil As punishment for further discuss-
and continue our terror campaign ing such things, his majesty plans
Chavez has repeatedly ac- across the globe.” to nuke several key locations across
cused the United States of plan- our northern border.
ning to overthrow his dictatorship Asked if it was really neces-
and has recently threatened hold- sary to go this far with Venezuela, Mexican President Vincente
ing back oil from the US Empire. His Majesty replied, “That guy re- Fox could not be reached for com-
King Bush II, worried that such ac- ally pissed me off, so yeah.” And as ment. His spokesperson explained
tion would impede his aspirations if that weren’t enough excitement, that Fox was afraid of “pissing off”
of world domination and terror, King Bush II.
quickly responded by declaring war
on the country. “We will continue
to expand the American Empire by
ridding this country of its elected

12 The Patriot - February 2006

Most Winning Team at Sean
SBU Not a Varsity Sport! Martin’s

By Nathan Hould and Sports
Drue Santora Minute

In the last few years the © 2006 Mark D. Murphy Sean Martin
Stony Brook Ice Hockey team
has emerged as a top contender Stony Brook senior Dan Valente drives to the net and scores his third goal of the game for a *The New York Jets continue to resem-
for the Division II American hat trick in Stony Brook’s 8-0 victory over Siena College on October 15, 2005. ble a circus. Coach Herman Edwards bolted
Collegiate Hockey Association to Kansas City but the Jets received only a
(ACHA) National Title. For six who they later avenged in a 4-3 turns last year’s All-Americans aspects of the team, and are key 4th round draft pick in exchange, which is by
consecutive years now the team victory. Anthony DiMichele and Drue leaders both on and off the ice. far the least compensation ever received by
has been invited to the ACHA Santora. Seniors Mike Mitchell, an NFL team for a current head coach. (It
Division II national tournament, The team’s optimism is Dan Valente and Michael Grag- You can watch Stony Brook should be noted that when the Chiefs hired
and in the last three years they strengthened by team captain nano have displayed outstanding Ice Hockey team in action at the Edwards’ predecessor, Dick Vermeil, the
have ranked 2nd, 3rd and 7th in Steve Plackis and assistants Pe- play as they pursue what may Rinx in Hauppauge. For direc- St. Louis Rams received 2nd and 3rd round
the nation out of the more than ter Marek and Angelo Serse who be their last chance at a national tions and other team informa- picks.) Hiring the 35 year old Defensive Co-
150 Div. II ACHA teams. The are looking to channel the team’s title. Players/board-members tion, including schedule and ros- ordinator of the New England Patriots, Eric
team also won the Super East abundance of talent in hopes Nathan Hould and Matt Muller ter, check out the team website: Mangini, to replace Edwards should have al-
Title in the 2003-04 and 2004-05 of forming a group of national handle the behind-the-scenes http://www.ic.sunysb.edu/clubs/ lowed the Jets to save face and start fresh, but
seasons by defeating top ACHA champions. This year’s team re- hockey/ we then learned that Mangini would not be
opponents from the Northeast- allowed to hire his own staff. In fact, several
ern United States including Penn coaches would be held on staff against their
State, NYU, and Holy Cross. wills. This was followed by a backlash in the
media, causing the team to back down and re-
This year, the Stony Brook lease the coaches. When you combine these
Ice Hockey team is ranked #1 continued front office antics with major sal-
in the Northeast and will travel ary cap trouble and the questions surround-
to Rochester, NY for the ACHA ing quarterback Chad Pennington, Jets fans
Div. II national tournament with shouldn’t expect to put away their ‘same old
high hopes of carrying the mo- Jets’ signs anytime soon.
mentum from their 16 game win-
ning streak straight through to *The New York Mets continued their
the national title. Currently, the make-over this month dealing away starting
team boasts a phenomenal re- pitcher Kris Benson for another power arm
cord of 20W-1L, with their only in the bullpen (Jorge Julio.) While wife Anna
loss coming to Wagner College, Benson’s antics and revealing outfits will be
missed, Kris’ lack of gamesmanship certainly
Seawolves Basketball On Rise will not.

By Frank Loglisci

With head coach Steve Piki- © 2006 Mark D. Murphy and put the team on the map in © 2006 Mark D. Murphy *In case you hadn’t heard, the NHL still
ell at the helm, Stony Brook Sea- the college basketball world. in fact exists. In the so called, “New NHL”,
wolves Basketball as we know it Coach Steve Pikiell at recent Sooner rather then later we may the NCAA Tournament, and may- stricter rule enforcement insures higher scor-
has changed. In spite of a 3-15 Seawolves game. be turning on CBS to watch our be one day as Luther Vandross ing, shootouts insure that there are no longer
(1-7) record this year, the Stony own Seawolves in the big dance, puts it best at the end of every any ties and young stars like Sidney Crosby
Brook Seawolves have shown schedule in the program’s histo- basketball year, we’ll have our insure that you’re left on the edge of your
great promise for this year and ry; going up against top Division “One Shining Moment.” seat. I’m not sure they remembered to send
for the future. It appears that I programs such as Villanova and out the memo, however, as celebrity poker
Coach Pikiell is going to rebuild University of Connecticut. While matches continue to draw several more mil-
the basketball program from the the team hasn’t produced the re- lions of viewers weekly.
bottom up. sults some seek, the team mem-
bers have played determinedly *Prior to the start of the 2006 season, Ma-
Coach Pikiell has engineered jor League Baseball will hold an International
one of the top 50 basketball re- tournament. The World Baseball Classic will
cruiting classes for 2006. Stony give professional players the chance to rep-
Brook is a large university and is resent their countries in a true World Series.
located near a hotbed of basket- Mid-March is an awkward time to hold such
ball talent. With the right recruit- a tournament, though, and one wonders how
er it could build itself into a top competitive it will be with several superstars
Division I basketball program. already pulling out. Barry Bonds is one such
star who removed himself from Team USA’s
Coach Pikiell has this year’s roster claiming that he didn’t want to risk his
players playing the game hard season. We hear that Barry has the time to do
and paying attention to quality. a reality TV Series, however….hooray.
So far this year Stony Brook has
worked through the most difficult

The Patriot - February 2006 13

Sex at The ‘Brook

By Virginia Morgan an acceptable social norm it is not all you’ll find is: “A deep, tender, Valentines Day as a reason to strong feelings for someone
an acceptable way to determine ineffable feeling of affection and start loving someone. Don’t let a without loving them.
With Valentines Day just whether or not you are in fact in solicitude toward a person, such Hallmark holiday trick you into
around the corner, there’s one four love with someone. Just because as that arising from kinship, rec- telling someone you love them So now that you have been
letter word that will be on every- you choose not to say, “I Love ognition of attractive qualities, or a if you aren’t really sure you do. schooled in the art of love, I
one’s mind: love. Love has always You” does not mean the love be- sense of underlying oneness.” Remember- it’s okay to have hope you all have a very Happy
been and will always be perhaps tween you and your significant oth- Valentines Day!
the most confusing part of the en- er isn’t there. In the same regards, So what’s a person to do? I
tire “dating game.” it also does not mean it is there. have found the best “definition”
For example look at hate, the op- of love comes from the Bible. It’s
We, as individuals, never have posite emotion of love. When you found in St. Paul’s first letter to the
a problem with casual dating and for hate someone you know it. You just Corinthians and it states, “Love is
good reason: it’s easy, fun, and low get this feeling in your gut and no patient, love is kind. It is not jeal-
commitment. We have no problem matter how hard you try to shake it, ous, [love] is not pompous, it is
asking someone out to dinner or to you can’t. You don’t even have to not inflated, it is not rude, it does
the movies because if they say no, say, “You know, I really hate Bob- not seek it’s own interests, it is not
it’s easy to accept it and move on. by Sue!” because it will be obvious quick tempered, it does not brood
Nothing ventured, nothing gained. to everyone that you do hate her by over injury, it does not rejoice over
However, once we have passed the way you carry yourself around her wrongdoing but rejoices with the
casual dating stage and moved into or the way you act at the mention of truth. It bears all things, believes all
a relationship, a problem surround- her name. Now think of the times things, hopes all things and endures
ing the “l-word” tends to arise. when you have said, “Gosh I really all things.” (1Cor 13:4-8)
hate <insert someone or something
Obviously, we have strong here>!” How many of those times I use that as a guide and go
feelings for the person we are with, did you mean it? from there but I constantly remind
otherwise we wouldn’t have let it myself that love takes work. If you
get this far. The problem is deci- The moral of this tale then don’t work at it, you will loose it.
phering whether these strong feel- becomes “don’t say it unless you People tend to become compla-
ings have turned into love or if they mean it”- but how are you sure you cent once they realize they are in
are simply just strong feelings. This mean it? love and will oftentimes take it for
problem is often compounded by granted. Well I urge you not to take
the notion that love is not a feel- Unfortunately, there are no tell it for granted and to do small things
ing that arises quickly between two tale symptoms of love. You don’t every day, not just on Valentines
people but rather it is one that is break out in pox marks, there’s no Day to remind that special some-
developed over a lengthy period of fever or cough. You can’t look it up one that you still love them.
time. in the dictionary. Well you can, but
In the same regards, don’t use
While this may be considered

Depressing WTF?! Picture of the Month
Poetry Corner
Can you identify this guy? This month’s photo Once a month, we shall publish an odd picture that can only
For those times when you was taken from www.stonybrooksucks.com make you go, as you would on AOL Instant Messenger, “WTF?”
think your life sucks.
This month we came across a picture that many of you may have
I Miss You Love seen on www.stonybrooksucks.com. Apparently some guy stole a
cell phone at the Full Moon Cafe and then actually took photos of
By Alexsandra Borodkin himself with it, which were automatically uploaded onto a website
that the owner could access. There can be only one answer...
Funny how the only thing I remember
when I close my eyes at night And you have it! Please send in your explanations, and we’ll
is how you looked at me publish them alongside the picture as a caption. Tell us what you can
before everything was alright. discern from this picture, and the events which might have brought
it about.
Neither one of us knew it would get this far
to much love and sorrow to tell Send in your submissions to
[email protected]
God knows I’m waiting for heartbreak
for not everything is well. with the subject line, “WTF?!”

But there is one thing certain Submitted Captions: Last Month’s Picture:
and I swear this to Him above
that the only thing I know tonight “Once a fly always a fly.”

is that I miss you love. “Making his contribution to the world of high
art.”

“So that’s where he’s been since indepen-
dence day.”

14 The Patriot - February 2006

GOT
STONY BROOK

HOCKEY?

© 2006 Mark D. Murphy

© 2006 Mark D. Murphy

ONLINE:

www.mmurphyphoto.com

The Patriot - February 2006 15

Ted Kennedy’s Drink of the Month

Satire By Virginia Morgan Angel’s Kiss

*Not intended for the weak of stomach, faint of heart or for those who are under
21 years of age.

Ingredients:
1½ oz. lime or lemon juice

½ oz. orange juice
½ oz. Cointreau

Soda water

Directions:

Pour lime (or lemon juice), orange juice and Cointreau into a tumbler full of ice.
Fill with soda water.

Yield: 1 serving

When not ambling through the halls of Congress or filibustering judicial nomi-
nees on the floor of the Senate, there’s nothing Senator Kennedy likes more than
kicking back on the shores of Chappaquiddick with a nice, cold drink in his hand.

Each month this column will highlight one of Senator Kennedy’s favorite drinks.
This month’s drink: Angel’s Kiss.

Official Drunk of the Month Get Wasted Like Ted at
These Fine Locations

David W. Jones III Stony Brook Area Port Jefferson Area Lake Grove Area

Best Drinking Story: Three Village Inn Tara Inn Printers Devil John Harvard’s Brewhouse
Smithaven Plaza
I was on vacation in South Beach Florida with my 150 Main Street 1519 Main Street 105 Wynn Lane Lake Grove
girlfriend at the time. Deciding to go out at around 8 Stony Brook Port Jefferson Port Jefferson 979-2739
o’clock, I polished off a fifth of vodka and preceded to 751-0555 473-9602 473-1130 Happy Hour: 4-7
then go out to the club. Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 4-7

In order to get a VIP table I purchased two bottles of J&R’s Steakhouse Village Way Billies 1890 Saloon
Absolut Mandarin and proceeded to drink one of those
bottles myself and let the rest of my group split the other 1320 Stony Brook Road 406 Main Street 304 Main Street
among themselves. This is where the story gets a little Stony Brook Port Jefferson Port Jefferson
foggy. 689-5920 928-3395 331-1890
Happy Hour: 4-7 Happy Hour: 5-7 Happy Hour: 5-7
We left and went to another club, named Pearl, and I
started to drink bottles of Amstel Drinking Philosophy:
light and shots of Jack Daniel’s. Stick with the beer and whiskey.
Then I decided to go to a strip
joint named Club Madonna. My Drunkest Ever:
girlfriend wouldn’t leave me alone St. Patrick’s Day 2005. I beat up my best friend for no good reason while wearing a kilt with no
in there. After a short while, I fell underwear and then spray painted his car and cursed out every one I knew and then passed out.
asleep next to the stage. Apparently,
when my girlfriend left to go get help Favorite Drink:
lifting me up I got up on my own and Guiness with champagne. Its called a
passed out outside in the street. Black Velvet. Also a shot of Jameson.

While I was sleeping a stripper woke Favorite Bar/ Bartender:
me up and offered me a ride to the
hotel. She drove me back, but I lost It was Buckleys in Center Moriches
my key so she talked the doorman into but sadly it burned down last summer. I
letting us in. was there literally every night.

I passed out again and the doorman put My favorite bartender is Jay Mazzio
a card in my front pocket that read, “If who is currently working at Baysides
found please return this guest to room 306 in Center Moriches. So I guess that is
at the Clevelander.” currently my favorite bar nowadays.
To this day that ex-girlfriend of mine still
thinks that I walked to the hotel all by The Patriot - February 2006
myself.

16