RRPHX_HolidayParty2015_booklet_FNL

Life After
the 2015 NSFW Holiday Party

(A short guide to recovering and reassimilating into the workplace)

Every year, the holiday party barrels
through like a hurricane that does billions
in damage. It’s an opportunity to shake
things up, to get new people talking and
to celebrate the accomplishments of the
year. After a few decades of questionable
parties, we’ve learned enough to create
some best practices for putting your life
back together when it’s over. So enjoy
the 2015 NSFW holiday party responsibly
and turn to this step-by-step guide to
help you cope with the days that follow.



The Road to Recovery

1. Consume Advil
We shouldn’t even have to put this
in here. The morning after the party,
take a few (seven) of these. And drink
a shit-ton of water. Maybe eat
something greasy.



2. Assess the situation

Just how monumentally did you fuck up?
On a scale of “made an off-color joke”
to “fell asleep naked in the hotel lobby,”
how much damage did you cause?
Try to catalog your mistakes and their
magnitudes in an Excel sheet.

¿?

3. Purge all evidence

The importance of step 3 cannot
be overstated. Get to a computer, tablet
or smartphone as fast as humanly
possible. Find every picture of the night
and remove anything that incriminates
you. Create photoshopped images
that implicate others in case you need
them for leverage.

Securely Empty Trash

4. Act cool

Since you’re probably already
on social media, now is a good time
to make it seem like you’re not hungover
and just in terrible shape. Consider
taking pictures of your running shoes
and posting them online with a caption
like “Went for a run at dawn
this morning #blessed #nodayzoff
#workhardplayhard” or something.



5. Confirm that you still have a job

It’s not entirely uncommon to lose
your job because of “something” that
happened at a holiday party. Don’t worry.
Some people just can’t handle how
hard you throw down. Try to confirm
whether or not this partying has resulted
in your termination. On the bright
side, many employers are beginning
to recognize this unstoppable desire
to rage as a strength in job seekers.

To: [email protected]
Subject: Hey YOU!!!!

Hey!
Have I told you guys how much I love
this job? It helps me provide for my two
children...

6. Befriend denial

You may be thinking that
honesty, straightforwardness
and a direct approach will help you
solve your problems. You’re wrong.
Psychologists agree – the only way
forward is to deny, deny, deny. Do
not make any reference to the 2015
holiday party or partying in general.
Avoid eye contact with anyone that
you may have upset. Bottle
your feelings.



7. Reclaim your identity

Look inside yourself. You are more
than what you have become. You must
take back your place in the circle of
life. Though, in your condition, it may
be impossible, remember who you are.
Remember. Remember. Remember.



8. Show Monday what’s up

It’s up to you to grab the workweek
by the balls. Start off by swallowing
a cup of black coffee and two raw eggs.
(Feel free to mix these for taste
and efficiency.) Dress nice. Suck up
to your boss or her boss. Or both.
Do your timesheets.



9. Keep on keepin’ on

That’s just about all there is to it.
After that wrecking ball of a holiday
party comes in and shatters
everything you know and love to
pieces, it’s important to remember
that rebuilding your professional
life is in your hands.



But seriously
Be safe and enjoy the party.
You earned it. Be responsible
and remember to book a hotel room
or arrange for an Uber if you’re
planning to indulge.
Good luck and Namaste.

Disclaimer: R&R Partners claims precisely zero percent responsibility for any damage – emotional, physical
or existential – and any other form of fuckery expedited by excessive partying.



Namaste, damn it.