Home Service by Andy Alsop

1

Home Service by Andy Alsop

CAST

in order of appearance
GERT WORRALL

WILLIAM JOHNSON/Post-Boy
AGNES HARRISON
MINNIE JOHNSON

Home Service

Gertie is taking in washing. She drops them into a well-worn
basket. She is singing “Ta ra ra Boom De Ay” and dancing with a
man's shirt. She cuddles shirt as...

William Johnson enters. Dressed in old, tattered jacket, muffler
and cap.

GERT (CONVERSATIONALLY) Will. How am ya, bab?

WILL (HE CAN’T LOOK HER IN THE EYE. TURNS AWAY)

GERT Your Albert been fishin' in France yet? 'Ere, did
he ever meet up with Aggie's two? (WILL SHOOTS
OFF) Will? Keep out the ‘oss road! Young ‘uns! I
doh know. (TURNING BACK TO HER WORK)

Agnes comes on opposite, clutching a paper she has evidently just
been reading.

AGNES Gertie, have you seen this?

GERT Not yet.

AGNES The lists. Take a look here.

Offers her the paper

GERT Where'm I looking?

AGNES There.

2

She points No! Oh, no! Not Albert? No wonder Will...(LOOKS
GERT OFF AFTER WILL.)Poor little bugger. No wonder I ay
seen her! (HANDS PAPER BACK)

AGNES Since when?

GERT Couple o’ days ago. Usually see 'er at Taylor's.
But no lad on a bike came past our 'ouse. I'd a
sid him.

AGNES That doesn’t mean anything. You missed Harry
Caddick's telegram!

GERT I was in kitchen in bath! I ay had a bath this
wik.

AGNES Right, well. We should go see how she's doin'. See
if she needs anything.

GERT Give us hand with these and I’ll come with yer. I
know wor it’s like. I went through it with our
Frank.

They take down washing over:

AGNES He was only wounded. Shrapnel in backside, wasn't
it?

GERT Ar, but you doh know that when the lad shows up.
You allus think wust 'as 'appened.

Gert goes off carrying washing basket

AGNES (CALLING OFF to GERT) I can’t go now, Gert! My
shift starts in an hour.

GERT (ENTERS, PUTTING SHAWL OVER HEAD) They won't mind.

AGNES He will! Jack Thompson. He's a right 'un. No
family. Fought in Boer shout and knows it all.

3

Unfeelin' beggar he is! Stopped Clara, you know,
Eccles Street, red hair, stopped her a shillin'
when her brother-in-law copped it. Not real
family, he said. And she was only half an hour
late! That's why he's always on 'is own in Crown!

GERT (BEAT) He ay a bad lookin' chap.

AGNES Old enough to be your father!

GERT Yer, well. It's been a long time.

AGNES Gertie!

GERT It's three year since my Ted were killed by that
tram!

AGNES Even so. Think of summat else! Think of Minnie!
[BEAT] I’ll risk it. Come on. We'll stop off at
Dewhursts and see what she 'asn't 'ad this week.

GERT We could get 'er some faggots. ‘Er likes them!

They go off, arm in arm.

Cross-fade to MINNIE's place, dim lighting. Bedding strewn
about.

MINNIE enters photo-frame in her hand lost in the portrait. Sits
in Silence until a knocking. MINNIE remains seated and
unresponsive. We hear voices off, muffled, over intermittent
knocking.

AGNES (OFF) Minnie! Minnie, love!

GERT (OFF) It's only us, Min.

AGNES (OFF) It's Agnes and Gertie! ... Minnie love, come
to the door. Please.

Minnie rises and shambles towards the door.

MINNIE (ALMOST OFF) Oh!... It's you...

4

AGNES (OFF) Minnie? Can we come in?

MINNIE You are in! What do you want? (TURNS)

AGNES and GERT follow her onto the edge of acting area

GERT We've come to see how yow am!

MINNIE I'm all right... Now clear off!

AGNES (SOFTLY) Minnie!

MINNIE I want to be left alone, all right?

AGNES But you shouldn't be on your own at a time like
this!

MINNIE Who says?

AGNES Minnie, love. You're upset!

MINNIE Upset, am I? Huh!

GERT Is it all right... if we come right in?

MINNIE If you must.

They come into Minnie's room. AGNES and GERT exchange looks at
the state of the place.

GERT Brought you this. (HANDS MINNIE THE PACKAGE)

MINNIE (STARTLED). Tah.

GERT (PICKING UP FRAME) They’m good looking lads...
(SUDDENLY AWARE OF HER FAUX PAS)...was good
looking...Oh God, me and my big gob!

MINNIE Ar. [TAKES FRAME FROM GERT] Well? ... What do you
want? I'm saving their clothes for our Will, so I
ay got nowt!

)GERT No, Minnie!
TOGETHER)

5

GERT )AGNES Minnie! You don't...
We've just sid Albert's name on the list.

AGNES Thought you'd appreciate a bit of company.

MINNIE Well, I day.

AGNES Really? Oh! Oh! Right then . . . er, we'll get
off.

GERT Tarar a bit.

They turn and take a few steps to go.

MINNIE He were hopeless as a lad. Right lummock...but he
made me laugh.(WIPES A SILENT TEAR)

AGNES and GERT exchange looks.

GERT Wenches used to go for 'im, though, eh?

MINNIE Ar. Randy little bugger!(WIPES ANOTHER TEAR)

GERT You might yet have his grandkids.

Another disapproving look from Agnes to GERT.

AGNES (TO GERT) Go put kettle on!

MINNIE We've no tay. I ay been out.

AGNES No.

GERT I'll pop wum and get some.

AGNES (CALLING AFTER HER) And some milk.

GERT exits. Minnie and AGNES sit.

Silence

)MINNIE He...
TOGETHER )

)AGNES I ...you were gonna say?

6

MINNIE No...

AGNES Go on. It'll help.

MINNIE (AFTER A PAUSE) He only joined up to help us out.
They all did and now...(TURNS AWAY)

Agnes puts her arm around her

AGNES Most of 'em done that, Min, to get a square
meal... Nothing to be ashamed of.

MINNIE Can't face upstairs.

AGNES No. (PAUSE) What about your Will..? (CONCERN) Has
he come back yet?

MINNIE No... He couldn't face upstairs, neither.

Enter GERT, with milk and screw of tea.

GERT 'Ere ye' are. I'll mek us a nice brew.(EXITS)

MINNIE She's no idea, has she?

AGNES She means well...

MINNIE Ar.

AGNES He's what, fourteen, now, your Will? Fourteen?

MINNIE Fifteen.

AGNES Is ‘e working?

MINNIE Doh be saft!(BEAT) He's a good lad... Never any
trouble. But there's no werk for ‘em, 'cept
joining up... An' I couldn't bear it if 'e went
an' all. That'd be all six.

AGNES 'Course. He's too young. They won't take him for
three years. It'll all be over by then.

7

MINNIE (SCEPTICAL) You think? ...I'll top meself in gas
oven, if he goes.

Enter GERT, bearing three mugs

GERT Tay up!

AGNES Min was just saying she'd kill herself if they
take Will as well.

GERT What?! No, Min! We woh let 'em take him, will we
Aggie?

MINNIE But he's desperate to go... Get 'em back for 'is
brothers... Even before...

GERT We'll definitely not let him go. Lock 'im in coal
'ole, fust.

AGNES I'll have my Sid put him straight.

GERT He has to think of yow now, Min. (BEAT) Is he
back? There's more in pot.

MINNIE He's probably gone to the cut...where 'im and
Albert...(HER VOICE CATCHES) He's ever so
upset...Shared a bed since they were
lickle...(COLLECTING HERSELF) Said he'd be back
afore dark.

Silence as they sip tea. Door slams

MINNIE That'll be our Will.

WILL enters. Oh! I'll...
WILL

AGNES No. Don't go Will. Your mam needs you. We'll leave
you alone. Get off. (RISES)

8

GERT (RISING) Oh, we off? Don't forget your... (PICKS
UP PACKAGE, HANDS IT TO MINNIE AGAIN)

MINNIE What is it?

GERT (PLEASED WITH HERSELF) Faggots... for your tea.

MINNIE (NONPLUSSED) Oh!.. Tah.

AGNES and GERT Tarah, Minnie. Will.

GERT (AS THEY GO OFF) Told you she'd like 'em. And wor
she brave? I'd be in bits.

THEY EXIT.

WILL What they want? Come to gloat?

Throws himself onto chair.

WILL Bastards!

MINNIE Hey! Hey! Language! Them come to see how we am.
Brought us tay and summat fer snap.(PAUSE)
Where've yow bin?

WILL Told you. I went to join up...! /

MINNIE / (HYSTERICAL) No, Will! No! I woh 'ave it!/

WILL / Bastard laughed! And said, “Come back when
you’ve gorra moustache!” It’s not fair! (STORMS
OFF)

Lights cross fade to AGNES hanging up washing and WILL among the
audience. He challenges one of the male members of the audience

WILL What yow lookin' at? Why ay you off fightin' the
Hun, eh? Coward am yer? etc.

AGNES [HEARING THE FUSS]Will? What are you doing? Leave
'em alone. You'll 'ave PC Cobbett on yer back if
you carry on like this.

9

WILL It ay got nothing to do wi' yow what I do.

AGNES Your mam doesn’t need all this grief from you.
She's got enough on her plate.

Minnie comes out

MINNIE What's goin on, yow Will?

WILL This owd 'un's havin a goo at me.

MINNIE That's Mrs Harrison to you. Show some respec'.
(CLATTERS HIM ROUND THE EAR). Now gerrin' the
'ouse.

WILL heads off

WILL (ON HIS WAY, TO AUDIENCE MEMBER)I'll 'ave you next
time.

MINNIE Will! [TO AUDIENCE MEMBER]Tek no notice, ‘e doh
mean it! [To AGNES]Sorry about that Aggie. He's
bin like this fer weeks.

AGNES S' all right. You've got your hands full, Minnie.
I'll send my Sid round. Mebbe he can take him
fishin' or something.

MINNIE I can manage! You don't want...

AGNES It's no trouble. He'll be glad of the company
himself. Misses our two like mad. An' after... you
know... his mother?

MINNIE Zepplins. Pah! Makin’ war on kiddies and old
ladies now. Sneaky bastards - ‘scuse my French.

AGNES You’re entitled Min. (ON HER WAY OFF) If you're
not safe in your own house over here, how safe are
our lads in a muddy 'ole in France?

Enter GERT aware of audience

10

GERT Psst.

AGNES What?

GERT They've got meat at Dewhursts. (ALMOST SHRIEKS)
Proper meat, Aggie. Real meat!

AGNES (LEAVING) Keep your voice down! We don't want
everyone down this end to hear. There'll be
nothing left for us.

CROSS FADE to WILL kicking his heels.

AGNES, GERT and MINNIE enter jubilantly

WILL What's up, what they say?

GERT Magistrate ferbid yer, says yow'm not to join up.

WILL Mam?

MINNIE S'Right. Yow'm to goo down the pit.

WILL The pit? I ay gonna kill any Germans down there am
I?

MINNIE Aye, well. As long as I’ve got this sustifikut,
the army caw have you. (WAVES CONSCRIPTION PAPER)

WILL The pit! (TRIES TO SNATCH IT)

MINNIE You’re not havin’ it!

The women pass the paper between them as WILL tries to snatch it,
over

AGNES You'll still be doing your bit, Will! We need
coal!

GERT And some other lad can go in your place and shoot
Germans for yer. Yow'll be safe.

11

WILL Safe? Doh yow read the papers? Miners die every
year.

MINNIE Yes Will, but norras many as soldiers! I couldn't
bear to lose yow. Yow’m my last.

WILL But that's just it Mom. Yow know how much I wanted
to...

AGNES It wouldn't bring them back, Will. And the chances
are you'd get hurt as well, if not...

WILL I'm not scared to die. (HE GIVES UP TRYING TO GET
THE PAPER)

AGNES Surely you wouldn't want your Mom left all on her
own?

WILL (SITS, SULLEN) How would she be on 'er own? You
lot're always round our 'ouse! Can't move for
wailin' women.

MINNIE That'll do, William! Agnes and Gert have been good
to me. I'd never have got you off call up without
'em.

WILL sets off
Now where’m yow gooin’?

WILL I've had enough! I'm off. (EXITS)

MINNIE (FOLLOWS HIM) Will! Bab! Please! Will?

AGNES (AFTER HER) Leave him, Min. He'll see the sense in
it. Give him time.

GERT (FOLLOWING) If he's like moine, he'll be home when
he's hungry.

FADE. GERT goes to washing line and hangs a shirt

12

LIGHTS UP

AGNES and MINNIE enter briskly, with newspaper

AGNES Min! If you keep grabbin' it I can't read it out,
now, can I?

GERT What's it say?

AGNES ‘1st July, 1916: At about 7.30 o’clock this
morning a vigorous attack was launched by the
British Army. The front extends over some 20 miles
north of the Somme.

MINNIE Where's that then?

GERT France!

AGNES The assault was preceded by a terrific
bombardment...British troops have already occupied
the German front line!

OMNES That's good. Hooray. Gi’ 'em a larrupin' lads!

AGNES Many prisoners have already fallen into our
hands... our casualties have not been heavy!

GERT Sounds all right, doh it?

AGNES So far. But you can't go by this. You know we only
get to hear the good news at the start. It's the
casualty lists I want to see. Then we'll know.

MINNIE You're a right misery guts, ay yer! Our lad's 'ave
done well.

GERT You mean our lads. Your Will is safe down the pit.
Rest of us 've got sons in that lot.

MINNIE Well, I like that! After what I've...

AGNES Yes, Minnie, love. We know ...Gertie was wrong...

13

GERT Aggie!

AGNES ...to make it sound like that.

GERT Oh! Ar. Sorry Minnie. I day think. I day mean to
upset you... But you have to see, we could still
lose ourn.

AGNES Gertie's got a point. My stomach hit the floor
when I heard. Sounds cruel, but... you don't have
to wait any more, Min.

MINNIE Well, I like that! It doh stop, you know. Every
time I hear of a lad from round here...it's like
one of me own, all over again...

AGNES Yeah...

GERT Hey! Come on, let's go to Crown and drink to
success so far, eh? I'll buy yer one Minnie! No
hard feelin's, eh?

AGNES Best give 'er money for it, Gertie. Chap in London
got fined forty quid for buying his mate a drink.

GERT Forty quid! I doh earn that in a year! Flamin'
war! Who started it? That's what I want to know.

MINNIE Whoever it were, it were men.

General assent

AGNES Talkin’ of which, did you hear about Jack
Thompson?

OMNES No, tell us. What? What's 'appened. What's 'e been
up to?

AGNES He's been called up!

GERT Oh, ‘e ay!

MINNIE 14
AGNES
MINNIE Well how old is he?

GERT Young enough to get called up. He was fizzin'!

AGNES He's a bully. And most bullies am cowards. That's
why.
GERT
AGNES But he's doin' war work. Couldn't he get off,
reserved occupation an' all that?
MINNIE
GERT He was only walking round with a clip board.
MINNIE Owner's wife's taking his job.
AGNES
Well I never!
GERT
And if you want to, you'll have to get your skates
MINNIE on. He's off on Sat’day!

GERT Wouldn't waste m’ time, me.

AGNES He wouldn't look at you anyway.
OMNES
And you're such a catch are you?

Come on you two, don't start again! Time's
getting' on. I've got a shift in a bit. Sid'll be
wanting his dinner.

It looks like it'll be just you and me in Snug
then, Minnie.

I woh bother. Doh want to queer your pitch with
you-know-who.

Can't stand competition, more like. Well, I ay
gooin' in on me own. I'm not that sort.

Right. Well, I'm off. Tarar a bit!(EXITS)

Tarah!

15

GERT I'll walk you back, Min. Have a look, see if
Dewhurst’s've gorr owt for our tea.

EXEUNT

Cross Fade

AGNES enters hangs two shirts. Bicycle bell. POST-BOY, enters to
AGNES. She drops washing in horror...

AGNES Noo! I don't want it!

POST-BOY But missus...

AGNES You deaf? I don't bloody want it! There's been a
mistake. [SHE SETS OFF ACROSS THE STAGE, THE POST-
BOY WHEELING HIS BIKE AFTER HER] Take it back.

POST-BOY I caw missus. Reg'lations.

AGNES I'm not takin' it. You can't make me. [RUNS]

POST-BOY [MOUNTING HIS BIKE] Please missus! I've gorra
barrerful to deliver.

AGNES Nooooh!

They chase round till Agnes collapses in a heap, sobbing. The boy
stands not knowing what to do.

GERT and MINNIE have emerged, drawn by the noise

MINNIE [TO GERT]Oh God, no! [Corners the POST-BOY.]

What's goin on, son?

GERT comforts AGNES ineffectually throughout

POST-BOY I gorra deliver this, but 'er wo' tek it.

MINNIE Give it to me.

POST-BOY I caw. Reg'lations.

MINNIE Do yow have to wait for a reply?

16

POST-BOY No. [KNOWING THE SIGNIFICANCE OF HIS RESPONSE]
Sorry.

MINNIE Then gi’ it here. I'm her friend. I'll see ‘er
gets it.[HOLDS OUT HER HAND INSISTENTLY]

Post-boy hands the telegram to her and exits.

GERT God! I hope it ay...

MINNIE Well, she woh know till she opens it... Aggie,
we'm here. Me and Gertie.

AGNES (BETWEEN SOBS) I...don't... want... it.

MINNIE I know love. None of us do. It might not be...you
know... It might not be bad as you think. Could be
one of ‘em's just been wounded, like Gert's Frank.

GERT Ar. It could be. And he's doin' foine.

AGNES (LOOKS UNCOMPREHENDINGLY AT MINNIE)

MINNIE Gertie'll fetch your Sid, woh yer?

GERT Yeah, course. (BEAT) Shall I?

AGNES SHAKES HEAD

MINNIE No? Mebbe later. We'll tell him together, eh?
(GIVES TELEGRAM TO GERT. INDICATES OPEN TELEGRAM)

GERT nods, opens the telegram, reads and looks blankly at MINNIE.
AGNES quietens. There is a stillness. MINNIE motions to GERT to
read telegram)

GERT “Regret..

AGNES (SHRIEKS) Noooo!

GERT ..OC Commanding Staffordshire Regiment informs
that Private Colin Harrison...” Oh dear God!
“Missing in Action, July 1st”!

17

AGNES Noooo ...!

Knowing looks all round

MINNIE Aggie! Shhh. It might not be as bad as it sounds.
He might be a prisoner!

AGNES But it's weeks. Why hasn't he written? He must
be...

MINNIE No. They would have said. He'll be fine...

GERT You know what army post's like. Takes weeks to get
a letter.

AGNES So he might be all right?

GIRLS Yes!

Pause

MINNIE Ooh! God! Sorry, Aggie. I have to goo. I left next
door’s little-‘un holdin’ me place at Co-op.
Queue's length of the High Street. (SCAMPERS OFF)

Exeunt

Bicycle bell

Post boy delivers telegrams at each corner of auditorium. Door
slams. Silence. REPEAT at each corner.

His face gets progressively grimmer.

POST-BOY I'm packin' in. I caw do this no more.(EXIT)

Minnie enters, takes all three shirts from washing line.

BLACKOUT

LIGHTS UP

GERT moves DL. Next is MINNIE, a look of concern, holds C. Then,
AGNES, almost a zombie, moves slowly DR.

Enter WILL

18

WILL Sorry! Gents. I couldn't wait... Queuin' out the
door!... How am they..?

MINNIE shakes head and indicates WILL to go down to GERT.
Position M&A, G&W so M and W can see each other.

Silence. Continue this until,

MINNIE (SOFTLY TO AGNES) Shall we take you wum?

AGNES (NODS, THEN SHAKES HER HEAD) I don't want to be on
my own.

MINNIE Your Sid'll be... Oh! He's at camp, ay 'e? I could
come in with you.

AGNES No. The house is a right mess.

MINNIE What about you, Gertie?

No response

Gertie? Would you like to get um?

GERT looks at MINNIE and WILL in turn, not registering
Home, Gert? Do you want to goo wum?

GERT Never owt about navy, is there?

WILL Eh?

GERT Well, there in't, is there! Indefatigable! Wi' a
name like that, yo day expect it to blow up wi’
all hands, do yer?

WILL No. [BEAT] He were a good bloke, your Eddie. I
liked 'im. Bostin' he was...

GERT That 'e was.

MINNIE They all was, every last one of 'em. All proper
little gents.

19

PAUSE What a barm pot, you Min! Come to the flicks, see
GERT “Battle of the Somme”. See what our lads did to
the hun! Not your best idea, that, lover!

MINNIE Ar. I've had better. (TO AGNES) Come on, bab.
'Ere, blow yer nose. (OFFERS A GRUBBY HANKY)

AGNES (BLOWS) Thanks.

MINNIE crosses to GERT, pushes WILL out of the way

MINNIE Gertie, your turn.

GERT (SHRUGING HER OFF) Gerroff! I'm alright!

MINNIE Yow think so? Jack Thompson wouldn't recognize
you!

GERT looks quizzically at WILL who indicates smuts and streaks on
her face. She wipes at ears with her shawl.

MINNIE Let me! (LICKS HANKY AND WIPES SMUTS OFF HER FACE)
Where is he now, Bab? Where is he? Jack Thompson?
Do you know?

GERT [SOFTLY] In Egypt...somewhere.

MINNIE Egypt, eh? Safe as houses out there ay 'e?

AGNES (DISTANT. DISENGAGED) I hope it was quick... when
my boys...

MINNIE Yes, Aggie, we all hope it's quick; painless any
road.

A look between MINNIE and WILL

They all looked very cheerful, waving their tin
hats an' that.

WILL Like when they left. Remember?

AGNES 20
MINNIE Unstoppable. (SOBS)
GERT Doh Aggie, love. Shh. Doh.
Least I know it were quick for my Eddie.
Pause (HISTRIONICALLY)Boom! All gone! (QUIETER)All gone.
MINNIE One thousand men and boys.

GERT Wust bit for me was when the lads went over the
MINNIE top. Walkin’...Walkin’! Whose mad idea was that?
GERT Been practising that for weeks...
AGNES Oh?
Silence Safety in numbers... (BITTERLY) Ha!
WILL Hadn't they heard of eggs and baskets, then?
GERT
Stafford lads got massacred.
Pause And plenty of others. (HER ANGER AND BITTERNESS
AGNES GROWING) What was the point? What was the
point?Aggie? You, Minnie? Me? All them fellas from
Pause Inkerman Street? I mean, what's the bloody point!
WILL
GERT No, Gertie, love. There is... a point. It's just
MINNIE it's got lost among the dead.

Hey, did you see Tommy Brown?
Lizzy Brown's oldest?
Right gawby he was.

21

WILL I'm sure I saw 'im on the film. He was in that bit
when they brought prisoners down. Grinned like a
right mop-head.

GERT No!

MINNIE How's 'e not been shot?

GERT You sure it was 'im?

WILL Dead spit.

GERT Surely to God there can't be two yampy' morons
lookin' like him on this earth.

MINNIE Hey! Whatever he looks like, he's over there,
doin' his bit. Show some respect.

Silence They made it look like a walk in the park.
AGNES

MINNIE Exeunt WILL, GERT and AGNES
MINNIE puts washing out, girls' smocks etc.

[HUMMING “KEEP THE HOME FIRES BURNING”] How am yer
Aggie? Aw, doh' yow look a good 'un? Suits yer.

Enter AGNES sporting a white apron and red cross

AGNES All right. Been posted. Ambulance driver in
France. Not far from my Sid. Have you seen Gert?

MINNIE 'er's out scroungin' for wool.

AGNES More socks?

MINNIE Sparks off 'er knitting needles light up the sky
fer miles!

AGNES They'll all come in handy.

22

MINNIE Ar. Gorra stick it out, bread and scrape, queues
or no queues. Otherwise all our lads'll be
crippled or dead for no reason.

Enter WILL as miner

AGNES We have to win. And not let it happen again.

WILL Here you go, Mom. [PASSES HER HIS WAGES] We’ve all
got to do our bit.

A pregnant GERT waddles on, trailing wool

GERT What are you all standin' there for? Come
on!There's real meat at Dewhursts!

Blackout
CURTAIN