Cosmopolitan - UK (April 2020)

Blazer, £99.99;
trousers, £79.99,
both H&M Studio.
Earrings, around
£95, Misho
Designs at Yoox.
Bag, £45, Charles
& Keith



Model Olivia
Smith; Instagram
@asos_olive. Hair
and make-up Lucy
Gibson at Frank
Agency, using
Charlot te Tilbur y.
Photographer’s
assistants Fraser
Thorne and Chris
Kennedy. St yling
assistant Simone
Williams

How to know when a





trend is on its way out







Gather round to mourn the loss of… anything that falls into these categories

Y cycling shorts and Your mum starts to It’s in kids’ stores. DENIM IS
es, one moment neon
Sorry, children. You are
creepy little sunglasses
our future, but your
notice it’s A Thing.
clothes are always a
will be THE thing you
So some matriarchs
need to have immediately.
But faster than you can say do “get it”, but most season or two behind. (ALMOST)
By the time a trend
aren’t watching
FOREVER
“I don’t actually have a fashion shows or reaches a children’s That boilersuit
bicycle”, they’re over. When checking out what shop it means it’s you’ve been eyeing?
you’re shopping in a trend- influencers wear. officially OVER. Snatch it up – yes,
focused way, it’s helpful to If they’ve noticed SHELF LIFE: even on sale. Jean
fads stick around
keep in mind the ones that will a trend, it’s likely not 6 MONTHS for a lon ng time,
stand the test of time – we’re long for this world. because they’re just
talking years, not weeks. SHELF LIFE: so wearable. Slap
It’s good for your bank 7 MONTHS five more y years onto
account and good for any of-the e-moment
the planet. For now, denim trends.
though, here’s how
to tell if something
is in – or on its
way out…






















COSMO’S

OFFICIAL

RANKING

OF CURRENT

TRENDS


In order of
staying power…




1 2 3 4 5
G O N N A B E H E R E A W H I L E PUFF SLEEVES ALICE BANDS PRAIRIE DRESSES NEON SQUARE-TOE SHOES

st yl e



6
There’s an Instagram
or Twitter account
Celebs start dedicated to it. A trend A QUICK CLASSICS THAT
wearing the with an “@” has reached peak BUT IF IT’S NOTE ON HAVE STOOD THE
opposite thing. market saturation. Get in on it A BIKINI… COLOURS TEST OF TIME
If you find yourself quickly or you’ll look dated. Swimsuits tend to AND
contemplating SHELF LIFE: have longer life PATTERNS
Super-specific
purchasing teeny-tiny 3 MONTHS, TOPS spans (we don’t printed items, like
sunglasses but notice know why this is a leopard midi skirt,
that famous people It’s turned into true, it just is), and have a shorter shelf
patterns and styles
are now wearing Halloween costume that may seem old life than animal
giant face shields, inspo. If wearing said look in regular life – you print in general.
best to leave those will mean you get asked know, when you’re So, if you’re unsure,
consider staying
mini frames in the whether you’ve just woken up not submerged in in the same family NAVY BLAZER
display case. from a coma and entirely water – still feel but mixing it up
SHELF LIFE: missed 31st October, then fresh in one- or a bit – go for neon
two-piece form.
(
3 MONTHS (IF give it a swerve (until it’s Add anot her year orange instead of
YOU’RE LUCKY) actually Halloweenctually Halloween, onto b bea hyper-trendy neon
achwear
ob bviously). that fits in green, or a giraffe
nto any of
SH HELF LIFHELF LIFE: these ca tegories. or tiger print instead
of leopard. This
0 MONTHS will add two more
– THIS WAS years onto the life
R
S
ITE
WH
I
H
DONE f of you WHITE SHIRT T
ur purchase.
YE ESTERDAY











LE VI’S 501s






RAY-BA N WAYFARERS













BLAC WORDS RACHEL TOGERSON, LAUREN ADHAV. ADDITIONAL WORDS AMY BANNERMAN. PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES, SKWAD PHOTOGRAPHY/BLAUBLUT-EDITION.COM
CK T-SHIRT











ETON TOP
BRE

6 7 7 88 9 10

ANIMAL-PRINT EVERYTHING TIE-DYE SOCK-TRAINERS MINI BAGS “FUGLY” SHOES A L MO ST GON E
D


COSMOPOLITAN · 53

Bossy boots









(and trainers, and flats)






The very best work-appropriate shoes for chasing

that promotion – or just the morning bus

£89.99, Zara
Compiled by MADD Y ALFORD

























9, Bonprix
£2 2 h £34.99 £45, Simply Be
£22, Boohoo

Ankle

boots

Heeled booots add
confidence on your
e
strut to the e coffee
machine. S Sunglasses
indoors: optional.



If in doubt,
just add d more
black le eather £105 , Of fice £179, Senso


























£40, Dorothy Perkins £110, Vagabond £79.99, Mango

st yl e shop me no w





Sleek

flats

Save your so le(s) in
stylish flats. T hese
ones are so n
nice,
you wouldn’t dream
of shoving th em in
your handba g and
ditching for h
heels.

Cropped trouse s rs
£119, Dr Mar tens at Schhuh £80, Dune London
and bare ankles
ats
fashion up your fla























£65, M&S Autograph £79, John Lewis £35, Head Over Heels

























£35, V By Ver y £175, LK Bennet t £99, Arket

























£79.99, Mango £129, Kur t Geiger London £120, GH Bass & Co




COSMOPOLITAN · 55

£59.99, Mango £89.99, John Lewis £135, Arket


























£49, Charles & Keith ££1 9 9 B o n p r i x £125, Iris & Ink at The Outnet
19.99, Bonprix
19

Kitteen

heel ls


Keep it coommute-
friendly (bbut still on
trend) witth low heels.
o
Purring to yourself:
y
sure, why not?



Fashion proverb:
white shoes for day, £85
5, Dune London
promotion on the way £139, Kur t Geiger London

















PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES





£39.99, Zara £25, M&S £159, Senso

s t yl e shop me no w




Cool
l
trainners

Lighten up
casual Frid days
with clean
classics. Ide eal for
a happy-ho our
pint when y you
clock off, to oo.


Dazzling sneaks
£75, Gola £25 , Miss Selfridge
+ dog + su uiting =
major fashio on points























£75, Saucony £85, John Lewis £60, Superga


























£110, Jigsaw £52, Vans at Schuh £70, Lacoste at Schuh

























£80, Converse £70, Adidas at Schuh £104.95, Nike





COSMOPOLITAN · 57

Style lab





From battered









to box-fresh









It’s not chic turning

up to the office in
trainers that look

like you completed Nike Air Force 1 ’07,
an Ironman on £80, Schuh

your way in. Here,
The Restory, an

aftercare service

for luxury fashion,
explains how to

keep them clean
365 days a year
































1

Keep it simple
If, or when, they get
muddy, use a damp
cloth to wipe away
any superficial dirt on 2 3
the leather. Avoid using Suede aid Pearly whites
baby wipes on trainers, For suede trainers, we recommend using Use an old toothbrush to clean
as these often contain a rubber brush specifically made for suede. the sole, dipping it in soapy
lanolin or other lotions, This will not only help remove the dust and water – this will allow you to get
which can do more build-up that suede typically attracts, but will deep into the sole markings.
harm than good. also revive the nap of the suede (technical No toothpaste necessary.
term for the grain of the fabric).

st yl e






5
4 Canvas shoes in crisis?
Here’s a genius cleaning
Fill your boots (or trainers) hack from Cat Mom 7
If they are wet from inevitable (@sarahtraceyy) on Twitter:
rain, stuff your trainers with a “Rinse shoes, mix 1:1.5 of Finishing touches
small towel or face cloth to help baking soda & detergent, Once clean and dry, you
absorb moisture and retain scrub w toothbrush, let it sit can condition the leather by
shape. Then leave them to dry for a while, rinse, put in applying some Carnauba
in a well-ventilated area – do washer, baby powder/dry.” cream, which is a natural
not put them next to artificial protective wax finish that will
heat, such as a radiator. Take resist finger marks and scuffs.
the stuffing out after 24 hours A little goes a long way – just
to avoid them getting musty. 6 ensure you buff with a clean
cloth to avoid streak marks.
Lather up those laces Do not use this on suede
The laces attract dust and or nubuck.
dirt that is not as easy to
simply wipe off. Remove to
soak them in soapy warm
water and, if white, add
a little stain remover then
put them in the washing
machine. Be sure to iron
the creases after. 8

Spray & put away
Store them well when
they aren’t being used
– but ensure they’re
clean before you put
them away; maybe
use a shoe deodoriser
or a dryer sheet for
any lingering odours.














DEEP
SCRATCHES
AND SCUFFING
require expert colour
and leather restoration.
For more details, visit
The-restory.com







CL E A N - UP - Q UICK KI T S WORDS THE RESTORY, AMY BANNERMAN. PHOTOGRAPH LOUISA PARRY. PROP STYLING ELENA HORN



GRENSON Liquiproof LABS TIMBERLAND
Pair Grenson’s Contains a protector, Perfect for suede, nubuck
William Green’s freshener, eco-cleaner, and canvas trainers and
Shoe Cleaning cloth and brush. Shoe can even be used
Tonic, £13, with its Care Kit, £35, on bags. Dry
Polishing Cloth, £3, Liquiproof LABS Cleaning Kit,
to gently clean shoes. at John Lewis £6, Timberland




COSMOPOLITAN · 59



earn















WORK SMARTER , NO T HARDER
























































WORDS JENNIFER SAVIN. PHOTOGRAPH RENDERED IN PLAY-DOH BY ELEANOR MACNAIR. *SEARCH “NATALIE
FRATTO 3 WAYS TO MEASURE YOUR ADAPTABILITY – AND HOW TO IMPROVE IT” FOR MORE INFORMATION



Get

adaptable



You’ve heard of IQ (intelligence
quotient) and EQ (emotional
quotient), but how about AQ
(adaptability quotient)? Coined
by TED Talk speaker* Natalie
Fratto, it’s all about how flexible
you are. No, we don’t mean
your ability to do the splits, but
how open you are to change.
“Regularly ask yourself and your
colleagues, ‘What would happen
if...?’” says Fratto. “It trains your
brain to prepare for a range of
possible outcomes.” Next up:
TQ (tea-making quotient)?







COSMOPOLITAN · 61

An






introvert’s
















guide to









thriving














at work














Open-plan spaces, lean-in culture, shouty colleagues…

sometimes it feels like offices are designed to help only
extroverts succeed. But can you still kick ass in your career

if you’re an introvert? Of course, says Jessica Pan – you just

need to know how...

e ar n




















































































































COSMOPOLITAN · 63

I was 23 years


old when I first



discovered I was


an introvert. I’d


been working late



every night, and


one evening a



co-worker came


over to chat – and


began discussing



introverts and


extroverts.



She had clocked something – I was staying
late because of my introversion; after the
office had emptied out, I was able to do
my best work. I’d had no idea.
I’m not alone in this: a third to half of

the population are thought to be introverts,
yet society tends to favour extroverts.
They are more likely to be chosen for
leadership roles (even though there is
no evidence they are better leaders), are
better at self-promotion (leading to more
recognition at work) and tend to have
wider social circles (which leads to more
opportunities and ideas). But this doesn’t
mean introverts are inferior. We are often
self-starters and independent thinkers who a few examples of client feedback.” KESEBIR
are great at listening, observing and can IMPROVE YOUR That’s not boasting – it’s the truth.
concentrate on one task for hours at a SELF-PROMOTION SKILLS Remember: if you don’t promote STOCKSY/ULAS
time. We also tend to have big ideas and It’s tough, I get it, but reframe self- yourself, no one else will. IMAGES. IMAGE COMPOSITION COLIN
offer unique perspectives, which come promotion as simply stating the facts, IMAGES,
from working alone. rather than bragging. Instead of opinion
Nonetheless, noisy, new-age, open- statements like “I’m an innovative MAKE IT CLEAR WHEN YOU
plan offices with constant interruptions designer”, explain what you did and ARE IN THE ZONE STOCKSY/CLIQUE GETTY
and no quiet space can make being at highlight the results with concrete Wearing noise-cancelling headphones

work a nightmare for us. But you can numbers and facts. For example, blocks out the chatter in a loud office, TURKAN, BEAGLEY; BIMMILL.CO.UK
thrive at work as an introvert – here’s “I was selected for X award, increased but also signals to others that you PHOTOGRAPHS MERVE
what I’ve learned… revenue by X amount and here are are concentrating on something &

e ar n




important, therefore limiting faces all day stresses you out, then it’s
the likelihood of interruptions. ADVOCATE FOR CREATIVE probably best that you don’t pursue
You can also gently let people ALONE TIME a line of work that involves these tasks.
know when you are busy and A recent study by scientists from the While nearly every job will require
don’t want to be interrupted. University At Buffalo in the US has shown some compromises, finding one that
A simple “I’d love to hear that solitude can promote creativity, and doesn’t drain you or cause you to be in
more – could we discuss it this is especially true for introverts, who a frequent state of anxiety will transform

at 3pm?” conveys that you might find they freeze up in group your life. That might mean becoming
can be a team player and brainstorming sessions, or don’t want to a freelancer, changing vocations or
are more than happy to publicly share their ideas. Introverts often merely switching to a smaller company,
catch up – without sacrificing excel at concentrating intensely for several but whatever you decide, figure out
your productivity. hours at a time, so employers lose out what the ideal work environment and
on potentially amazing ideas by insisting culture is for you. And also know that
on group work. In fact, research has you can change the way things are.
TRY TO WORK consistently found that group brainstorming If you love your job, but find yourself
FROM HOME ONE sessions yield fewer ideas than that of the frustrated by all the group work sessions,
DAY A WEEK same number of people who worked talk to your boss about allowing more
If you work in a more flexible, separately and then combined their ideas. time to work alone. If you speak up,
progressive office, having Ahead of big meetings, ask if you can you might be able to change the office
just one day to work from submit your ideas directly to the meeting for the better – for yourself and your
home could really make leader and then go into the brainstorm. fellow introverts. ◆
a difference to your mental Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want To Come:
health. Imagine: a day without An Introvert’s Year Of Living Dangerously
having to be “on” all the time; PREPARE AND REHEARSE by Jessica Pan is out now in paperback
without small talk, a crowded BEFORE BIG PRESENTATIONS
commute or constant Here’s an inescapable fact of life: most
interruptions. You’ll also get of us will have to speak publicly or give a ARE Y O U AN
SO much more done. presentation at work at some point in our
careers. It’s a great way to show off who I N T R OV E R T ?
we are, what we’ve been working on and
IMPROVE YOUR our strengths. But, ugh, the anxiety. The
NETWORKING SKILLS fear of being in the spotlight may never go If you answer “yes” to the majority of
these questions, it’s likely you lean more
Yes, it’s time to get your game away but there are steps you can take to towards introversion than extroversion…
face on for the sake of your ease your nerves. If you have ample time
career (and the rest of your to prepare, find an opportunity to rehearse Do you prefer one-on-one
life, tbh). A few basic pointers: in front of someone else (or better yet, conversations to talking in group
networking gets easier the a few people). This will allow you to settings?
more you do it; don’t expect experience many of your insecurities After a few hours of socialising, do
every encounter to go before the big presentation, which can you feel drained and crave time alone
perfectly; and, when in doubt, help enormously on the day (even though to recharge?
use your introvert superpower: listening. the rehearsal will probably also be Do you prefer to listen first and talk
Ask genuine questions and really pay painful). By giving your talk a few times in later at work meetings?
attention to the answers – this will also front of others (ask a trusted friend), your
take the focus off you. You’ll be pleasantly confidence will grow. If you don’t have Are you a good listener and expect the
surprised with what you find out and the someone with whom you feel comfortable same from others?
connections you make – and you’ll know sharing your presentation, it may be worth Do you prefer a few close friendships
a lot more about the person you’ve met investing in a session with a speech coach. as opposed to many casual ones?
than the average extrovert would. Also,
it’s easier if you arrive at events early, Do you feel energised after spending
time alone?
before the crowd feels impenetrable. KNOW YOURSELF

And don’t leave after 15 minutes – it takes Figure out what makes you thrive. If you Do you express yourself better in
a while for most people to warm up so, find that meeting new people, making writing than speaking off the cuff?
if you can, stay for at least an hour. cold calls and interacting with lots of



COSMOPOLITAN · 65

ea rn





TE LL U S much that I would
change what I was
A TI N Y B IT
doing and stop taking
MO R E … risks. Sometimes you
just have to trust your
gut and know that
you’re the expert on
What’s your mantra? your own show. Now,
Be kind, always. if I get criticism, I ask
The pressure can be myself, “Did I make
intense on a big the work for them? Are
production. I try not to they the demographic
let it escalate and
allow time for fun. of the audience?” If
they are, then I take
on the feedback. A
70-year-old reviewer
isn’t the right person to
What are you listen to if you made the
listening to? show for teenagers.
I use audiobooks to
research the lives of
a play’s characters. Mentors are the
The Warmth Of same as friends
Other Suns, by Isabel After eight years in
Wilkerson, really Bristol I moved to
helped with Death London. My mum
Of A Salesman. wasn’t well, so I wanted

How I got my job... to be closer to her, but
I also felt I was ready
to move on from youth
as a theatre Where do you find theatre. It was like

starting again from
inspiration?
Everywhere. As a
scratch. I sought out
director director you need to assistant director
find out how people
jobs, particularly with
think and speak, so
I’ll start conversations women I admired in
on the bus or stand in the industry. Finding
Miranda Cromwell, who co-directed the recent West End a queue listening to a mentor, I think, is

production of Death Of A Salesman, shares her secrets… people chatting. almost the same as
how you would make
a friend – I would form
Your hobby can I didn’t think there was their Young Company Company. Early on, my a relationship with those
become your job any work in them. Even [ages five to 25]. students had suggested who I was inspired by.
I found out I was when I was studying we put on a show and I I was in email contact
dyslexic at college – it performing arts [in Truro, Listen… but to the was the one to organise with my mentors for
helped me realise that I Cornwall] I was selling right people and direct it. From there years, making sure
learn in a different way. double glazing in order In Bristol I became the I began directing three they knew I was keen
Throughout high school to subsidise what I director of the Young to five shows a year – to work with them while
I’d do all the creative thought was a hobby. large productions with also emailing feedback
subjects – anything to Back then I wasn’t “Finding hundreds of people. when I went to see their
stay as far from the really aware of all the One of the biggest shows. It was my work WORDS CATRIONA INNES. PHOTOGRAPH MATTHEW SEADON-YOUNG
traditional classroom as different jobs in theatre. a mentor lessons I learned was as an assistant that led
I could. I’m really drawn The only way I thought I how to keep my own to me being invited to
to making things with could make money from is almost voice while also taking co-direct Death Of
other people, rather something I loved was on advice. It’s important A Salesman in the West
than by myself, but to teach, so I went to an like making to seek out feedback, End, which was the
as much as I enjoyed audition at the Bristol but I used to listen to biggest production
drama and the arts, Old Vic theatre, to lead a friend” others’ criticism so I’ve ever worked on.


66 · COSMOPOLITAN

e ar n



Spend it








like a... city PA





She supports one of the country’s biggest bankers, but how does 25-year-old

Hannah,* PA to a CEO in London, manage her own budget?




WHERE THE MONEY GOES



£1,200 £320
goes on rent and bills 9% Travel comes in at
36% rest on Uber journeys.
– it may sound high, £320 a month. £200
but I do live alone. goes on Tubes and the




£400 £800
My personal trainer,
who I see twice a goes on food. I spend
week, costs £320 a 23% a lot of time at The
month, and my gym Ned (a private club
membership is £80. in London where my
membership costs £200
a month), which has
12% nine restaurants in it.

£250
I’m not the best saver, 12%
but I put £250 away £400
each month into my goes on beauty. I buy
“Oh shit!” savings 8% Armani and Charlotte
fund, for emergencies Tilbury products when
or treats. I don’t get Botox.





ORGANISATIONAL WIZARD As soon as
I get my bonus,
You have to be thick-skinned and very flexible to do this job. BEST TO I put it into a savings
Every boss I’ve had thinks I carry a magic wand… I deal with all WORST BUYS account and use it to
aspects of their life, from managing their diary to buying their treat myself to holidays or
wife’s birthday present. A Filofax and strong coffee are crucial. HELL YES designer gear throughout
the year. I also have a
£2,000 on a Chanel credit card as a bit of
AS TOLD TO JENNIFER SAVIN. *NAME HAS BEEN CHANGED
tote bag. Dreamy. a cushion too.
PARTY PEOPLE
£55k I’m partying with the work lot £700 on a weekend away SWITCHING
It’s not uncommon for the
HELL NO
bill to reach £15,000 when
GEARS
…IS MY ANNUAL SALARY (disclaimer: I don’t pay any of to Burnham Market, a Initially, I worked in sales at a
I also get a yearly bonus of this). Illicit substances are often village near the coast, for car dealership. After a month,
around £10,000. Banking is floating around, too. When I’m myself and someone that I though, I told my boss I hated
definitely the industry to be out with the girls, I can spend now definitely wish I hadn’t it but loved the company, and
a PA in if you’re looking invited. It was basically a he made me his PA. Then, three
to earn big. between £200 and £600 in trip to Pointless-on-Sea. years ago, I left to become PA
a high-end club. to the CEO of a bank.


COSMOPOLITAN · 67

C o s m o p o l it a n p r o m oti o n f o r Te a c h i n g




Why I went









teaching



into teach

There aren’t many jobs in which you get to

teaching chose a career in the classroom and to find
make a real impact every single day or

where you get instant, unfiltered feedback.

We spoke to four women about why they




out more about school life – from the funny

stories to the “whoa” moments ›



















































































COSMOPOLITAN · 69

Shalina Patel



HISTORY TEACHER



Teaching, for me, is all about what I call the “whoa
moments” The other day, I was teaching a class about
.
the Battle of Hastings in 1066. At the end of the
lesson, I said to them that it was so significant because
no one has conquered England since, and they all
just went, “Whoa!” Those moments are so rewarding.
I went straight from completing my history
degree into teaching training. I had volunteered as
a teaching assistant while I was at university and I’d

always really enjoyed it.
I’m especially committed to ensuring my students
receive a diverse education. I teach them about
feminism. Women can be invisible in textbooks, so
it’s important to me that the students know about
the women who were at the forefront of history.
Rob Lowe’s character in The West Wing, Sam
Seaborn, gave this amazing speech about the
importance of teachers. He said: “Education is the
silver bullet. Education is everything.” I think education
can change the world. It’s cheesy but true. That’s why
we need really brilliant people in the profession. Nassima Iggoute



NassimaIggoute



SPANISH AND FRENCH TEACHER


I always thought I’d work in fashion, and I got a job as
a bridal coordinator for Oscar de la Renta after university.
But shortly after I started, I went on a trip to Uganda
with my old school – it was working with a charity
there for orphaned children. One day, I was asked if
I wanted to teach the children the alphabet. It was scary,

but I’d never felt anything like it before. When I got
home, I decided to apply for teacher training – and
I’ve never looked back.
I now teach at the same secondary school I went to
myself. In a multicultural school, it’s nice for the students
to see someone from a similar background. The minute
they can relate to a teacher, something in them switches on. EDITED BY ALISON LYNCH. PHOTOGRAPHS IAN HARRISON. ART DIRECTION MAIREAD GLEESON
The students can be very funny. Some of my Year 7s
actually think I live in the school. I bumped into some
of them in London’s Westfield shopping centre once and
they were so shocked to see me in the outside world.
If you’re interested in teaching, I suggest getting some
work experience: visit schools, observe lessons, speak to

Shalina Patel teachers. For me, it’s just the best job. When you teach a
child something and they get it – that still blows my mind.



70 · COSMOPOLITAN

Cos m op olitan p r omotion for Te a c hin g





ClaireRowlinson

FRENCH AND MANDARIN TEACHER




After university, I travelled around the world, recruiting
international students for different universities. But after
six years, I wanted to settle in one place and I realised that

the best part of my job was the interaction with young
people, so I decided to train as a teacher.
The best moments in teaching are when you almost see
a switch go on in a student’s head. They forget all about
trying to look cool and just want to find out more.
As I teach languages, the students seem to find it quite
confusing that I’m from England. One day, we were talking
about something in class and I said,“Back home…” A girl
I’ve taught for three years asked if I was talking about
back home in France. I’m from the Lake District.
This job is about so much more than just the subjects
you teach, though. Hopefully, I’m developing inquisitive,
open-minded, tolerant young people along the way.
You know how when you ask someone what their day
was like, they often say,“Fine’’? As a teacher, you never just
.
say,“Today was fine’” There’s always something amazing
that’s happened, or a challenging behavioural situation, or
a kid has said something really funny. Every day’s different.
Gabrielle Alexander



GabrielleAlexander
If you’re
inspired to learn
more about a career HEAD OF MATHS AND YEAR 6
in teaching and the
training options I worked in PR after leaving university, but I tutored
available, search a bit as well. I wanted a job with a real purpose,
“Get Into Teaching”
so I applied for teacher training. The first time
I taught in a classroom, I realised,“This is where I fit.”
When I was at primary school, I was in the bottom
set for maths and it broke me, because I really love the
subject. It was never something that came naturally
to me and I think that’s why I love teaching it now.
The best bit of the job is the children. They have no
filter. You could be teaching a lesson about algebra and
a child will put up their hand and say,“Miss, it’s my
auntie’s birthday,” and that will be it. They’re so funny.
You can really make a difference in teaching. We’re
bringing up the next generation – people who could
potentially find the cure for cancer or run the
country. They need good role models. If you’re
going to work hard at something, why not choose

something that could change a child’s life? ◆


Claire Rowlinson




COSMOPOLITAN · 71



ce l e bri t y



































































































PARTY GIRL, PAPARAZZI QUEEN AND POP-CULTURE ICON – WHAT’S LIFE LIKE NOW


FOR PARIS HILTON? MARTHA HAYES STEPS INTO HER LA HOME TO FIND OUT ›




Photographs BERNARDO DORAL




COSMOPOLITAN · 73

g
n
i
h
s c
l
t .
l
i a e
H
m n
y g
l
r d a
e n
v a p
e m
B s

r s a
e e h
h d r c


o f i n i o f
s


i p e r c h e d o n t h e b a n i s t e r r m a s s
s
m v e l
a i l g
n s
s i o n i n a s p a r k l y g a



s t i l e t t o s , c l u t c h i n








She’s just come up with a new catchphrase, she announces, flicking
her blonde hair to one side. “Sliving,” she says. “Which is basically
like ‘slaying’ and ‘living’ So instead of ‘killing it’, I’m ‘sliving it’.”
.
So far, so Paris. This is, after all, the woman who trademarked the
phrase ‘That’s hot’ at the height of her fame in the addictive (and
arguably groundbreaking) ’00s reality show The Simple Life. In fact,
when I arrive at the sprawling, gated home of the ‘It’-girl-turned-
entrepreneur, I feel like I’m stumbling into one of her house parties.
The year could easily be 2004. Dance music blasts out of speakers
into the luxurious open-plan lounge, and iconic portraits by David
LaChapelle – the first photographer to shoot the great-granddaughter
of the founder of Hilton Hotels – line the walls in opulent frames.
And that’s not all that’s perfectly kitsch. There are large neon signs
(“life is beautiful” reads one), a giant light-up Hello Kitty and five
very distinctive prize pooches – Harajuku, Diamond Baby, Princess
Paris Jr, Prince Hilton and Prince Baby Bear – all working the room.
“It’s the best party house,” smiles Hilton knowingly. She’s not wrong.
It’s easy to forget this is just for the benefit of our photoshoot. From
climbing the banisters to dangling her legs in the swimming pool

after dark, Hilton’s energy is almost superhuman. What’s even more
impressive is that, at 39 years old, she doesn’t appear to have changed.
The catchphrases, the miniature dogs, the silver dresses (who could i


74 · COSMOPOLITAN

c e l e b r it y



ce l e bri t y




forget the glitzy chain-mail number she wore to her 21st
birthday bash that’s been replicated ever since?) and the
partying (which I can vouch for – I saw her at a Hollywood
event the week before we meet) are all still going strong.
This may not make her a conventional “influencer” by It’s easy to assume Hilton wouldn’t be very sympathetic
today’s standards, but there’s no doubt Hilton was building towards today’s influencers. But far from it. “I love that I was

her own brand – and capitalising on her enviable lifestyle so ahead of my time and created this entire new genre and
– before we even had a word for it. “I was the first one to way of living life and making a living,” she explains. “Anyone
invent getting paid to party,” she says proudly, joining me with a phone can make their own brand. Whatever talents
in her home cinema after the shoot. “If I’m travelling, they have, they can use that platform to build a business.
I love to optimise my time. Around 12 years ago I started I feel very proud. Imitation is the highest form of flattery.”
making DJ-ing part of my career. Because if I’m gonna fly Does that apply when people mimic her look? Kendall
all the way to Dubai, I’d rather make the most of my trip by Jenner wore a custom-made LaBourjoisie dress to her 21st
working in the day and then entertaining my fans at night.” birthday party in 2016, which was practically a replica of
If Hilton sounds savvier than you’d expect, it’s because there the Julien Macdonald design Hilton wore to mark the same
is a lot more to her than going out-out for a living. She might milestone. “I love seeing that look. I think every girl should
have become globally famous after appearing in a leaked sex wear that on their birthday. I think it’s the birthday dress now.
tape (more on that later), but she now has a billion-dollar I love seeing it come to life again on different people. My
business empire with 19 product lines (from skincare sister once wore it for Halloween.” What else does she
to shoes) and 45 stores worldwide. She owns two think we wouldn’t be wearing if it hadn’t been for
beach clubs, completed her fifth stint DJ-ing at her? “Juicy Couture, Dior and LV monograms,
Ibiza super-club Amnesia last summer, and camouflage print, Swarovski crystals,” she
recently launched Cooking With Paris on K reels off. “Von Dutch hats are now back
YouTube and her 25th fragrance, Electrify. in style again, which is hilarious.”
Hilton’s perfume collection alone has sold Kim Kardashian arguably wouldn’t
over $2.5 (£1.9) billion in 63 countries. W be where she is today if it wasn’t for
These are impressive figures for her association with Hilton. Yes, before
someone born into such privilege – she Keeping Up With The Kardashians
could probably have got away with not launched in 2007 and made megastars
doing a day’s work in her life. I wonder if out of the family, Kim appeared in The
Paris is still trying to prove herself to those who Simple Life as Hilton’s stylist and friend.
OPENING SPREAD: TOP , MURMUR. JEANS, GUESS. SHOES, STUART WEITZMAN. PREVIOUS SPREAD: DRESS, PAUL & JOE.
assume she’s been handed everything. “I feel I have Although the pair’s friendship has reportedly had
definitely proven myself,” she sighs, wrapping herself its ups and downs, Hilton says they have always been
SHOES, SOPHIA WEBSTER. THIS SPREAD: PLAYSUIT, LABOURJOISIE. GLOVES AND SHOES, BOTH PARIS HILTON
in a fleecy blanket after her dip in the pool. “For anyone close. Still, it must have been satisfying when Kim went on
who would say otherwise, they have no idea. I’ve worked so record recently to credit Hilton as the secret to her success.
hard. My grandfather [Barron Hilton, who passed away last “We have conversations about it. She travelled the world
September] was someone I wanted to make proud and he was with me and we have so many amazing memories,” says
so proud of me carrying on the legacy but doing it my way.” Hilton, citing sharing their first Ibiza experience in 2006.
The first rule of business, she’s learned, is making sure you “What she’s said is, ‘I really appreciate everything I’ve learned
have “the right team of people” around you. “Especially in Los from you,’ and we just always talk [about] how proud of each
Angeles, because it’s very hard to trust people. I’m very lucky other we are because we’ve known each other since we were
to have my parents watching out for me and not letting any little girls. She’s sweet and kind and brilliant. I’m so proud of
weirdos get near me.” The Hiltons are a very close family. Paris her and impressed with her becoming a lawyer; it’s incredible
is one of four siblings (including sister Nicky) and her parents that she’s using her voice and her platform to help others.”
have been together since her mum was 15. “My family always Although not as regularly in touch, Hilton insists she’s also
wanted me to want to do something with my life and to on good terms with Nicole Richie, her childhood friend and
want to make them proud,” she explains. “I see a lot of people partner-in-crime on The Simple Life, which ran from 2003 to
today who have never done anything and they’re not happy 2007 and saw the two socialites struggle to do low-paid jobs
with their lives because everything was just handed to them.” like working on a dairy farm or in a fast-food restaurant. In a
recent interview with US news site Deadline, Hilton revealed,

“Everything I’ve done before was me playing a character,”
adding, “Sometimes it is annoying, people assuming I am
the blonde airhead that I played on [The Simple Life].” i


COSMOPOLITAN · 77

“We laugh about it,” she tells me. “All
the costumes last Halloween were people
dressing up as us, so we were sending each
other photos of different outfits people
were wearing. The show is streaming in all
these different places right now so everyone

is rewatching it, which is awesome.” Rumours
may be rife of a reboot, but there’s no money
in the world that would persuade Hilton to
get back into a pair of dirty overalls. “My
schedule is just so insane,” she reasons. “I can’t
imagine leaving my life and going to the
middle of nowhere and doing that again. Plus
the show is so timeless and iconic, you can’t
remake that.” But isn’t there a plan to redo it
with new people, I probe. “They asked me
who I would recommend if I didn’t want to
do it myself.” Who did she suggest? “I can’t
tell! I’ve signed a confidentiality agreement.”
So they are bringing it back? “I don’t know.
I don’t think it’ll ever be what it was, but it
will be fun to watch other people do it.”
Hilton’s love life has been a source of
speculation and fascination since a sex tape in
which she appears with her ex-boyfriend Rick
Salomon was leaked in 2003 and later released
as a DVD. Having weathered the storm of one
of the earliest viral sex tapes, does Hilton have
any advice, in our age of nude-photo scandals
and social-media leaks, for protecting privacy?
“I would say that none of these things are 100% secure Whether it’s because of her protective family or her

so I wouldn’t have anything on there that’s private and privileged life, there is something inherently youthful and
that you wouldn’t want the world to see.” curiously childlike about Paris Hilton. A real-life Peter Pan
Trust is, unsurprisingly, a big issue for Hilton. She’s had (but make it fashion); as if the rest of the world has grown up
“a little bit” of therapy in the past, but implies she’s not and moved on, but Hilton is still that 21-year-old in the
able to properly take it up because “I don’t really chain-mail dress, frozen in time. I ask her if she
.
trust anyone” She’s been single for over a year feels old or young: “21 forever,” she murmurs.
now since ending her engagement to actor/ “And I’m all natural. I feel so lucky that my
model Chris Zylka and says this is the first N mum always told me to stay out of the
time in her life she’s enjoyed being on her sun. I feel lucky I haven’t had to resort
own. “It feels good to not have someone to what most people do in this town.”
controlling me,” she explains. “With Does she worry about getting older?
dating certain people, [there’s the risk of] “I don’t think about it.” In 2018 Netflix STYLING DANIELA GUTIÉRREZ. STYLING, PINK DRESS, AMY BANNERMAN. MAKE-UP STEVEN TABIMBA. HAIR EDUARDO PONCE. NAILS QUISA FISA. PHOTOGRAPHER’S ASSISTANTS RYAN HACKETT/TUTU LEE.
not trusting them and the fear [that] if I documentary The American Meme, which
go out of town they might do something followed four reality stars including Hilton, STYLING ASSISTANT ANGELA FUERTES. PRODUCTION MADRID: ASHA MARTINEZ.
to embarrass me. I feel lucky now to not she said her biggest fear was dying. “Death
have that fear because I’m independent.” scares me because I don’t know what happens. I
Was it a difficult decision to end the just don’t want it to be nothing because that would
engagement? “No. It was the best decision I’ve ever made be so boring,” she says. “I’m trying to figure out a way –
in my life. I just don’t think [he] was the right person and freezing myself or inventing the fountain-of-youth pill – so

I feel like I’m an incredible woman and I deserve someone people could live forever, like that movie Death Becomes Her.”
so amazing. It just didn’t feel right. I’ve worked way too hard She regularly visits “world-renowned psychics” Has she
.
to just give my life to someone. They have to be perfect.” ever been freaked out by what they’ve told her? “No, they


78 · COSMOPOLITAN

PARIS’S NOT-SO-SIMPLE LIFE

Includes pop, cops, feuds and dudes (same, tbh…)

February 2002
Juicy Couture tracksuits
and Von Dutch trucker hats. June 2003
Hilton’s looks are so iconic Hilton appeared
she could open a museum. in early ’00s films
Of course, the most such as Zoolander,
unforgettable of them all but it was her starring
was the Julien Macdonald role in leaked sex tape
chain-mail dress she wore “1 Night In Paris”
to her 21st birthday. alongside ex-boyfriend
Rick Salomon that
skyrocketed her to
December 2003 fame. Ooh la la.
– August 2007
Somehow, it’s been
17 years since The
Simple Life first aired July 2004
and heiresses Hilton After seven months
and Nicole Richie together (and his-
– whose adoptive and-hers tattoos),
father is singer Lionel Hilton and former
– were stripped of Backstreet Boy Nick
their cash and sent Carter parted ways.
to live and work in “Our relationship
the real world. The totally was based on
ultimate ’00s LOLs. distrust,” said Carter.
“She didn’t trust me.
I didn’t trust her.”

August 2006
When Hilton shared
her self-titled debut November 2006
album, some saw it Fourteen years later
as a joke. But the and we are still living
joke was on them in the midst of a Paris
when the record Hilton and Lindsay
reached number six on Lohan feud. In 2018,
the US Billboard charts Hilton threw fresh
and sold over 600,000 shade at LiLo claiming
copies worldwide. she gatecrashed the
always say the best things.” Such as? “When I was a baby, a now-legendary photo

psychic told my grandmother that I was going to be one of taken of her, Lohan
and Britney Spears
PRODUCTION LA: NELLY CASTILLO/JOAN PLA VENDETTA ENTERTAINMENT. WITH THANKS TO ADRIAN
the most famous and photographed women in the world August 2010 affectionately known
VAN DER HOEVEN. ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY, ALAMY, MOVIE STILLS DB, BAUER GRIFFIN.
one day.” Fair enough.“Other psychics have said I’m related Only Hilton can make as “The Holy Trinity”
a mugshot look like a
to Marilyn Monroe and things like that. My mom just cover shoot, as proved back in 2006.
did one of those 23andMe DNA kits and I am related to here in 2010. She was
Marilyn Monroe and Queen Elizabeth. That’s what it said!” first arrested in 2006,
TOP , ALICE & OLIVIA. BRIEFS, DEAD LOTUS COUTURE. SHOES, SOPHIA WEBSTER
for driving under the
Growing up in a dynasty like the Hiltons, she must have influence, before August 2019
met some amazing people. Hilton looks nonplussed. Wasn’t subsequent arrests Kim Kardashian,
whose friendship
in 2007 and 2010.
her mum friends with Andy Warhol? “Yeah, my mum was She’s been on good with Hilton goes way
friends with him and they would go out. I was one or two behaviour ever since. back to the mid-’00s,
admitted that Hilton
and I used to sit on his lap and draw. My nanny used to call launched her career
me Star and he loved that. He’d always go,‘This girl is a star.’ by taking her under
“I’ve met everyone, so no one has made me star-struck,” November 2019 her It-girl wing on
red carpets and the
she muses.“Except Madonna. I was in London at an awards Hilton and Chris Hollywood party circuit
show and she tapped on my shoulder and said,‘I’m with Zylka were caught up during a 2019 series
in the Great Celebrity
the same record label and I love Stars Are Blind; I love your Engagement of KUWTK. “I really
would wanna do
.
music’ I almost fainted. She’s been my idol since I was little. Movement of 2018, anything for her,” Kim
but after around two
That was the only time I’ve ever been nervous over anyone.” years and a $2 million told sister Khloé. “She
I’d almost forgotten about her stint as a pop star.Sadly we’ve rock, she called it off. literally gave me a
run out of time because, true to form, Hilton has a party to “I’m just really having career, and I totally
acknowledge that.”
go to – a dinner for Diddy’s 50th birthday, with the rest of the my ‘me’ time,” she
said. “It was [a]
,
Hilton clan. If that’s not “sliving it” I don’t know what is. ◆ whirlwind romance.”

COSMOPOLITAN · 79

Trainee
matchmaker
and writer:
Catriona
Innes














































































0
80 · O O OP A A

read


Are we in a
































Well, one of these

women is. The


other? She’s made

it her mission to

find her a match,

by going on the pull

with a professional

matchmaker ›



Photographs
SARAH BRICK












Single
guinea pig:
Amy Grier






















XXXXXXX X XXXX

XXXX
XXXXX



COSMOPOLITAN · 81

The walls are




blood red, with




mismatched




frames housing




black and white




pictures of



various men I




don’t recognise.







The floorboards are so trodden they’re shiny, and the rugs
– along with the waitresses’ skirts – are tartan. From next
door comes the boom of male laughter and, suddenly,
these men come piling in, clad in novelty jumpers, to
make their way through to the cigar terrace. One of them,
I’m told, is a right-wing politician – I didn’t look up in
time. Another, a Hollywood actor who I’m much more
upset not to spot. On our table sits a bottle of champagne,
and – every now and then – these men make their way
over to us, where Mairead Molloy, global director of someone in a bar, get your mate to set you up or flirt with
Berkeley International, the elite matchmaking agency, that hot person you see in work’s communal kitchen
pours them a glass and asks them about their lives. area? Then Tinder came along, in 2012, and made those
It seems I’ve finally found the answer to the question IRL connections seem dated. Why settle for whoever is in
“Where are all the men hiding?” The whole place is soaked your current vicinity or friendship group when sitting in

in testosterone. Whether they’re “good” men depends on your pocket are millions of singles just waiting to speak
your personal preferences (and politics), but considering to you? Two years after its launch, Tinder was boasting
Molloy has spent the past 16 years setting up high-net- around a billion swipes per day. Then even more apps
worth individuals with each other, she’ll have the perfect came along – both Bumble and Happn launched in
match in mind for each and every one of them. 2014 – and before long there was one for every preference.
When I moved to London, over a decade ago, I tried to Into beards? There’s an app for that. Fancy a threesome?
become a professional matchmaker. I printed out my CV, There’s an app for that as well. Our preference for staying
wrote long covering letters detailing my “experience” in and swiping was, according to some experts, behind
and sent them off to various agencies. But, it turns out, the UK’s failing nightclub scene, which has dipped in
setting up one couple (who split after three years) and value by an estimated £200 million in the past five
chatting up people in clubs on behalf of my friends years.* (Netflix, an unstable economy and the booming
were not the qualifications they were looking for. wellness scene have also undoubtedly played their part.)
Even back then the idea of paying someone to find you But, lately, the tide appears to be turning. Cosmopolitan
a prospective suitor seemed straight out of Pride And research found that 70% of our readers would prefer to
Prejudice. Why part with your cash when you could meet meet someone in real life, dating events increased by



82 · COSMOPOLITAN

re a d




Things are (she also works in the field and has a degree in psychology
looking up and a master’s in criminal law). She certainly has a way
if you live in
Not tingham of eking out personal details – when I listen to our
conversation on my Dictaphone a few days later, I
realise it took just 10 minutes for me to let her in on
some extremely personal details about my own life.
This is a huge part of her job. I’d imagined I’d spend
the day rifling through profiles of people on a computer,
pairing them together. But that’s not how it works.
Molloy gets to know people quickly, her client base is
made up of applications from the website, referrals and
those who she actively seeks. Berkeley International
tailors a package for each client, depending on their
specific needs – for those willing to spend the big bucks,

Molloy or one of her 20 global “ambassadors” will fly all
across the world looking for their chosen match. “So I
could ask you to find me Jack O’Connell and you could?”
I ask, wondering if, for this feature (and my career), my
husband might let me go on a date with him. “You have
to be realistic,” Molloy says, dashing my hopes… but
maybe saving my marriage. “We may not have that sort
of person, or they may not be interested in you. But
you could say,‘I want to meet someone in LA in the
film industry,’ and we could set that up for you.”
Once in LA or New York (or wherever you need
her), Molloy will get herself into the right parties and
“network” “We once had a client
.
“YOU COULD SAY, who really wanted to meet a
doctor from Harvard,” she tells me.
“We flew out [to the US] and, for
‘I WANT TO MEET weeks, went to all the socials and

set her up with 16 or so people.
SOMEONE IN LA,’ AND Naturally, I can say to someone,
400% between 2014 and 2018 ‘Are you in a relationship?’ and
†
and for matchmakers like WE’D SET THAT UP” find out, then hand them a card.”
Molloy, business is thriving. Before taking anyone on as
But what can we learn from a a client, there’s a brief phone
woman who charges upwards of £15,000 for consultation in which it’s decided if they’re “suitable”

her services? Does she really know the secret to finding (more on that later), and then it’s a full-on interview.
love in a world so reliant on algorithms? I decided to This takes place in clients’ homes, or in the Berkeley
go back to that old ambition of mine, and become International offices, where we head next to grill Amy
a professional matchmaker to find out. Grier, Cosmopolitan’s executive editor (and, not-as-
awkward-as-it-sounds, my boss). We’re putting her on
A HOT FRONT Berkeley’s books so I can see how it works. I’m jealous
“It’s all coming back now – bespoke, hand-holding – Molloy is highly secretive as to who she looks after, but
dating,” says Molloy, smearing butter on toast, talking it’s a mixture of lawyers, business owners and celebrities…
to me and peering at her email inbox all at the same one client even hosts his dates on his private jet.
time. It’s a few days later and we’re at Home House, a Over glasses of fizzy water, Molloy fires questions at
private members’ club in London. Despite having nine Amy, in a process that’s more like a very intense job
offices globally (and living in Cannes herself), Irish interview. Every now and then she shuts her eyes, as if
Molloy works, it seems, wherever there will be eligible mentally scrolling through faces in her head. “You’re
singles. She blanches at the idea of being called a always thinking of your clients,” she confirms later. “The
“matchmaker”; she’d prefer “relationship psychologist” minute someone walks in the room I have an idea in ›



COSMOPOLITAN · 83

Get in
the bin,
ghosts












































my mind as to who to set them up with.” Whoever it is, people where they’re going wrong. After every date, both
Amy will not see a picture of them. “I have no tolerance parties give feedback, and that informs the next date – in
for online dating and how dismissive people can be; it’s terms of both who they’re matched with, and how they
disrespectful. You have to give people a chance.” behave. “Some people really appreciate being told what’s
wrong with them,” she says. “It’s quantitative analysis
STORMY WEATHER – eventually after five, six, seven dates, you see the same
Our next appointment is at a plastic surgeon’s office. It’s themes coming up.” If these things are damaging, then it’s
here that we meet Dr Ghoobi to see how he’s getting time to have a word. Similar bugbears come up again and
‡
on with his current match. He met his first wife through again, across the board – people drinking too much on
Molloy and, 10 years later, messy divorce behind him, he’s dates, inflated egos and something that’s enhanced in
turned to her again. He beams at us and says he’s weeks both online dating and a service like this: pickiness. “You
away from proposing. Just as he’s divulging his plans, we can’t breed the perfect human,” she says. “And often my
are ambushed by a surprise visitor: a friend and client of clients will think the more money they spend, the more
his, who’s recently divorced and wants to find love. Molloy they can lengthen their wish list… but even if we can

fires questions at her, but she soon mentions her ex, his present you with your ideal person on paper, we can’t
name uttered as if it’s wrapped in gold. Molloy plainly provide chemistry. It’s the one thing money can’t buy.”
says, “You’re still in love with him.” There’s some back and As for cash, I’m intrigued to know whether her clients
forth as the prospective client insists she isn’t. But Molloy demand their match earns a certain salary. “I don’t think
is unconvinced. This could be good or bad, she says after salaries come into play too much for the men, maybe
we leave – perhaps starting 3% will ask about it. For them,
something else will be what she it’s about the laughter, the love,
needs to get over him… or it will “IF YOU ACCEPT THAT the look and feeling of belonging.

help break her out of denial. But for women – and this may be
She’ll still take her on as a client EVERYONE HAS controversial…” she says. “I think
and see – after a few dates – what they like to feel secure. Not
happens. Then it might be time FLAWS, THEN YOU WILL necessarily financially – women
for a tough conversation. should be financially independent
Because that’s another huge – but they do like to feel looked
part of Molloy’s job – telling MEET SOMEONE” after, and money comes into that.”



84 · COSMOPOLITAN

read




The way Molloy talks about love is practical and mature and pretty much everyone who is actively dating has a
– she won’t promise the world, and will put you in your horror story to tell. In real life, “chatting someone up”
place if you demand it. Love, she says, isn’t about finding has become almost non-existent, seen as a throwback
.
,
“the one” but instead someone who “feels like home” And to a pre-app time. With an agency like Berkeley, sure,
she doesn’t believe in fate. Even though she once, without you might go on a few dud dates, but to the degree
knowing their relationship to each other, matched a of stilted conversation, not “they brought along their
divorced couple together… and they remarried. Or the ex/tarantula/mate for a threesome” Not only does
.
time she set up a client with a woman he’d spotted on her team have a strong gut instinct for liars, they also

the street months before and fallen in love with. “If your ensure – via things like background checks, asking to
wishlist isn’t too long, you’re a relatively normal human see divorce papers, and house visits – that people are
being and accept that everyone has flaws, then you will exactly who they say they are. The follow-ups after every
meet someone,” she says. But Molloy wouldn’t dream of date mean that no one gets ghosted – if they don’t want
attending any of her clients’ weddings. “You don’t invite to see you again, you’ll know (and be told exactly why).
your plumber to enjoy your bath, do you?” she cackles. Matchmakers are nothing new – they’ve been around
for centuries within most cultures. In Ancient Greece,
LIGHTNING STRIKES some women would act as go-betweens, delivering
I didn’t fully understand what Molloy meant by telegrams between couples who wanted to marry (and
“networking” until we headed to London’s Boisdales offering their verdict on the prospective partners), while
Of Belgravia, a Scottish restaurant filled with men with “miai” – a form of matchmaking created as part of
booming voices and – judging by the menu – bursting 16th-century samurai classes – still exists in Japan today.
wallets. Molloy hosts an annual Valentine’s party here But a new yearning for face-to-face contact, brought on by
and it’s where many of her clients hold their first dates. our ever-increasing reliance on technology, coupled with
The tartan everywhere reminds me of us having an expert for all areas of
the dive bars I’d drink in as a teen in our lives (PTs, life coaches, therapists)
Scotland, but the clientele is entirely MAKE ME A means it makes sense that they’re
different. Instead of pallid stoners who MATCH... now back in a big way. It’s paying a
HAIR AND MAKE-UP CAMILLA AKEHURST AT LHA REPRESENTS, USING PAUL MITCHELL HAIR AND GLOSSIER. PROP STYLING ELENA HORN.
need (at least) five black sambucas Amy fills us in on her date professional to get the job done right.
ALL CLOTHES, MODELS’ OWN. *ACCORDING TO THEGUARDIAN.COM. †ACCORDING TO EVENTBRITE. ‡ NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED
before they’ll come over and chat to “After an intensive interview with That’s what Berkeley International
you, here, making conversation with the Berkeley International team, offers – Molloy cultivates “grown-up
strangers is the norm. Within 30 I waited eagerly for an email to dating” where people treat each other
minutes of arrival, we’ve already spoken tell me they’d found me a match. as adults, and with respect. Somewhere
Photos are not exchanged, just
to a record producer weighed down by biographies (written for you by a along the way we’ve lost that. But

gold chains, and a white-haired movie professional), and the man is given have we really reached the stage
the woman’s phone number. My
producer. Both leave with Molloy’s card match is Thomas, a 43-year-old where we have to pay the equivalent
‡
clutched in their grip. I keep my eye tech genius who’s into art, speaks a of a house deposit to get it? ◆
out for matches for Amy but can’t spot few languages and loves food and The Matchmaker by Catriona Innes
any – which doesn’t matter, as Molloy drink as much as I do. He suggests is out now
meeting in the bar of a five-star
has already decided what she needs. hotel I’ve wanted to try for ages.
“Someone who will take the reigns – It’s actually really nice not knowing
she’s the editor of a very prominent what someone looks like and being
magazine… she’ll want someone alpha,” pleasantly surprised. Conversation
she explains. I keep pressing for more flows easily, especially considering
there’s been almost no build-up.
on this; hoping that Molloy will present He’s fascinating. Educated, highly BE HI ND T H E S C E N ES
me with the perfect formula for love. cultured, well-travelled. Despite
But she doesn’t have it. No one does. coming from different parts of the Catriona Innes
What organisations like Berkeley country, our values – friends, family,
travel, work ethic, ambition – are
International can provide is a buffer – aligned. He pokes fun at my overly “When I asked Molloy who she’d match me with,
a shiny one that protects you from all specific drinks order, I poke fun she paused and said, ‘Someone who, when you
the crap that comes from dating. And at him continually bringing up leave them, you say, “He’s a really nice man.” No
politics on a first date. OK, so the
lately that crap seems to be amplified. chemistry isn’t quite there on either one from London. Perhaps a farmer…’ My husband
New terms for dating trends are side, but it’s still one of the most is a Geordie who charms the majority of people he
comes into contact with. He’s not a farmer, though.
defined every week (“to ghost” has enjoyable dates I’ve been on.” Maybe I should persuade him to retrain?”

even been added to the dictionary),


COSMOPOLITAN · 85

Would you










get past




these wo


































Berlin’s nightclub policies are some of the toughest in the world. Sarah Hurtes

re a d










































































these women?












Meet the


world’s


fiercest


bouncers







Sarah Hurtes works the doors to find out why… › Photographs GENE GL O VER




COSMOPOLITAN · 87

t’s 4pm on a
Saturday afternoon.
Clouds of weed
surround me, the
smoke catching
in my throat.
I’ve already been
standing for an
hour and I have
around three more
hours of waiting
ahead of me. It
could be longer
t. I don’t dare ask.

By 7pm, as the sky turns
pink,descending into night,
everyone around me has
fallen silent. We are united
by one mission – the door
in front of us. The silence
is punctuated by a woman
with an afro bob and
Bouncer
purple lipstick ordering Saskia has
those closest to her to “no” tat tooed
keep smiling or they’ll be on her palm
rejected. I am afraid that
when we eventually get
close to her, she will simply Germany. It also set off to the city, and locals wanted Berghain, Sven Marquardt,
look us up and down and a chain of events that led to keep the atmosphere the man to impress (it’s
say“no”That all this waiting to Berlin becoming the created sacred. Berlin’s rumoured Berghain once
.
is, ultimately, pointless. clubbing capital of Europe: nightclub door policies got turned away Britney Spears
I’m in the queue for one of the end of the divide so strict that they became for wearing the wrong
the world’s hardest-to-get- between the East and the almost as famous as the shoes). Yet Berghain is just
into clubs. This woman West created a new sound clubs themselves. one of a network of clubs
is the bouncer who decides – and a new way to party with strict door policies,
which of us succeeds and – that brought everyone and although Marquardt
who goes home. together. Week-long parties “I began and his male colleagues are
began to burgeon at full the ones who dominate
Party people speed. Clubbing became a to lose all newspaper columns and

Two months later, it’s 1am, lifestyle, music a religion – empathy. I documentaries, there’s a
and I’m standing in front and it garnered worldwide group of women who wield
of an iconic club, only this attention. Once The Wall started work just as much power. They’re
time I’m wearing a bullet- fell, several East German super-secretive and their
proof vest. The only way businesses closed down, pissed off” world is hard to penetrate
for me to find out the leading to soap factories – it took over a month of
answer to that much- and power plants being club-hopping, day and
Googled question “how revamped into illegal Today, endless online night, to get to know them.
exactly do you get into clubs. Over the years these forums detail what to say, Mostly I was shunned and
Berlin’s superclubs?” was forbidden parties gave way what to wear and how to told that journalists are not
to guard the doors myself. to venues with permits – but act in order to get in. The trusted until, with some
When the Berlin Wall fell many retained the grit that bouncers have become persistence, a few party
in 1989 it marked a new made them so special in the celebrities, with head promoters took me aside
political beginning for first place. Tourists flooded doorman of the club to whisper their names

re a d




with an all-female door ensure no one tries to and eyeliner? Yes. In my
crew for the first time. “I sneak through them), I three-hour shift I watch
wanted to be one of them,” observe the queue that’s as Alina fires questions
she says, running her hand next to it, trying to guess at approaching punters.
through her cropped straw- who will get that elusive “German or English?” she
coloured hair. “I started “yes” Eli’s off tonight, but demands. “How are you?
.
practising martial arts and in her place is Alina – Have you been here before?
then a friend told me about whose T-shirt lists all the Do you know the name
a position opening up.” That weight-lifting competitions of tonight’s party?” If the
The dancefloor
in club Weekend was at ://aboutblank – once she’s participated in. She answer’s yes, she says: “It’s
an illegal club, now one of stands square on, in front of 13 Euros. You may enter
Berlin’s top destinations. the queue, and to her right one by one, but only when
It’s also the club where Eli is a bulky, shaven-headed I tell you so.” If it’s a no,
agrees to put me on shift, man who reports back to instead, a brief: “Not

to see the work for myself. her if anything – or anyone tonight.” Why do people
Eli is dubbed the club’s “Ice – seems suspicious. The line want in so badly? Why
Princess” – from her cold is an eclectic mix: one man are they willing to queue
and tough door manner, looks like Neo from The for hours when getting
which is, she admits, Matrix, while others have in is far from guaranteed?
downright unfriendly at a dishevelled look akin It’s because that sacred
times. “Especially at the to Stranger Things’ Chief atmosphere is unlike
beginning when I wasn’t Hopper. One woman has anything most clubbers
too confident and sure if a gigantic spider tattooed have experienced. Berlin’s
guests would accept me as on her chest, dreads to the venues usually open their
a woman. I think sometimes floor, and a leather cropped doors at midnight, and few
I was acting too strict or top and jeans. They all get people bother to show up
arrogant. Now I’m softer.” in. The group of late-teen before 2am. Party-goers are
as if they were state secrets. “You welcome and take boys swaying in a fog of dressed for dancing for at
There’s Saskia, who has the care of a lot more people aftershave? Nope. The single least six hours straight,
word “no” tattooed on her than you send away,” says guy with short yellow hair rather than to show off ›
left palm; Steffi-Lotta, the Steffi-Lotta, who chats to
bouncer of club Kater Blau me via a translator over a
and founder of “market- lemonade one day. She says
village” Holzmarkt25, who this looking straight into
prefers to be known as a my eyes without blinking
“concierge” rather than a – and I nod in agreement,
bouncer; Esther, known as knowing that her nickname
“mutti” (mum), who once (unprintable here) implies

caught two underage boys she’s one of the strictest to
climbing over the fence get past in the city. Despite
of her club and, instead of their reputations, all the
calling the police, called women I meet are funny,
their mothers to come and friendly and caring, yet I
pick them up. Then there’s know that they have also, at
Eli, who I chat to while times, been impossible to
inside the club simply get past. You just have to
called ://aboutblank. It’s a look at Saskia’s tattooed
Monday afternoon and the palm to see that.
club’s 24-hour monthly
queer party, Buttons, is still On shift

palpable in the musty air. Taking my position at the Eli, AK A
She became a bouncer 10 exit doors of ://aboutblank “Ice Princess”
years ago, after seeing a club (I have to watch closely to



COSMOPOLITAN · 89

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their outfits or pose for here for years. But
selfies. Those in high thank you for
heels are often turned considering us, have a
away – their footwear nice night.” They then
a sign that they don’t walked away calmly.
plan on dancing much. Appreciating this, she
Most prepare for a chased after them,
night out in Berlin as invited them in and
if they are going on an bought them a round.
expedition: donning But for every group
trainers and putting who walks away
hoodies in their calmly, there’s another
backpacks. The parties who thinks they can
can last anything from threaten their way

12 hours to three days inside. All the bouncers
– thanks to licensing I spoke to have
laws that don’t set experienced violence
a closing time. The – from the time that
sound systems are Esther was punched to
overpowering and Eli having to barricade
sex is in the air: some herself and her staff
places have hidden inside while a mob
rooms where people hurled stones at them.
can sneak off and do Incidents like this are
whatever they want. Esther would rare but the insults
But in the legendary reject people are endless. And no
to keep the
S&M KitKatClub, space safe amount of training can
there’s no need for prepare you for the
secret rooms – that’s impact of being called
what the dancefloors are on one thing: their gut “We keep a “bitch” (and much worse)
for. Most people hold feeling. But this can be night after night. Both Eli
half-empty beer bottles, hard to explain.“You can’t the magic and Saskia scaled back their
water or energy drinks – tell guests,‘So it’s my hours as a result. “I began
few down spirits. A desire personal feeling [that] unbroken to lose all empathy,” says Eli,
to keep going as long as you’re not for the crowd, “I started work pissed off.”
possible and a drinking bye!’ but that’s really how – and that Saskia found she was getting
culture that isn’t “who can it goes,” explains Saskia. angrier in her daily life.
get absolutely hammered Esther says she sometimes has a cost” Esther, at some points, was

quickest” means that tests people by asking afraid to walk to the club,
clubbers are respectful. them to crack jokes about used to experiment, letting taking taxis to avoid being
But one thing is not themselves. “I want to see if in those who she had doubts recognised. “It felt like the
tolerated: photos. If you’re they can be self-deprecating,” about. “I’d almost always more I was at the door,
caught taking a picture, she says. “I was always the have to kick them back out the more bad situations
you’re thrown out within biggest bitch to those I’d again for being rude to the occurred. I felt tired and
seconds. It’s so strictly end up letting in, but I was staff,” she says. “It would empty.” She reflected on her
prohibited that those at super-friendly to the people remind me to trust myself.” life and wondered: “Was all
the door put stickers over I rejected. I’d say, ‘You’re But mistakes happen. And if I did ruin people’s fun?”
people’s phone cameras. looking too good for this you’re turned away, the best
It doesn’t take long for place, this other club seems thing you can do is handle it Sugar and spice
Alina to decide who gets in. to suit your style more.’” well. Saskia recalls rejecting From the moment we are
Each of the women I spoke Learning to trust your a larger group who politely born, there’s an expectation
to unanimously agreed that gut instinct can be tough, said, “We’re really unhappy placed firmly on women’s
.
they make decisions based and take years to master. Eli as we’ve wanted to come shoulders to be “nice” To


90 · COSMOPOLITAN

smile and laugh and toss eventually let in. All I could Berlin’s most
our hair and ensure – think, as I entered with
above all – that we are a racing heart, was about
“liked” It’s so deeply losing control. I knew
.
ingrained that even these I could do it in a way I iconic clubs
powerful women have felt couldn’t back in the UK.
it in their darkest moments. When I lived in London,
“It’s a societal problem,” I’d don my tightest dress,

says Esther, who realised drink too many vodkas
that she had to be kinder to and either fend off men’s BE R G HAI N
herself and that it’s OK for constant advances – men Where: A huge Soviet-era power station.
her to say “no” It wasn’t who wouldn’t take no Known for: Having an orgy room on
.
something to be ashamed for an answer – or I’d say the bottom floor.
of, a reason to hide away in yes to a one-night stand, What the forums say: “Listen for the
beat, nod your head. Look at the building.
taxis, avoiding the glare of mainly for self-validation. Don’t make eye contact with the doormen
the customers who seethed Here, the sound system until they speak to you. Show no fear.”
at her. “As a woman, you’re shakes my entire soul:
constantly afraid to hurt disorientating, brutal and
others’ feelings, even when mind-blowing. The room :/ / A B O U T B L A N K
you’re insulted for no is shaped like a Roman
reason. I had to learn to theatre where you can Where: A warren of different spaces
now covered in graffiti with a huge
look at myself in the mirror glide upstairs and feel garden and two dancefloors.
and like the person I was those dancing below. The Known for: STAUB – a monthly event
seeing.” According to her, moonlight passes through said to be one of Berlin’s best parties.
being a bouncer has the broken windows, giving What the forums say: “Don’t get your
phone out in the queue.”
therefore been the most shape to the statues and
empowering experience of vines decorating the
her life. This is echoed by bricked walls. Then there’s
Eli, who is proud of her the adult outdoor chill- KA T E R B L A U
HAUSCHKA. HAIR AND MAKE-UP ASSISTANT MEILYNN LINDAR, USING PAUL MITCHELL FOR HAIR. SHOOT LOCATION RAW COMPLEX
HAIR AND MAKE-UP JAZZ MANG, USING KOREAN SKINCARE, BEN NYE, LAURA MERCIER, BELLA PIERRE, SENSAI MASCARA 38°C, DR
evolution as a “gatekeeper out area where anything Where: Located on the bank of the river
BERLIN. ADDITIONAL PHOTOGRAPHS GETTY IMAGES, ALAMY, DAGMAR, SCHWELLE/LAIF/CAMERA PRESS, DANIEL ETTER/EYEVINE
of the party” “You make is permitted. The world Spree, it looks like a cross between an
.
abandoned circus and the Mad Max set.
rules to enable people to outside becomes distant. I Known for: Its outdoor area – there’s
live their dreams, to create think of Esther’s comment: a caravan, bungalow, bonfire and tents.
that safe, untouchable and “The ones who make it past What the forums say: “Show up sober
powerful space,” says Esther. me are safe inside.” Perhaps and keep your mouth shut in the queue.”
“We are in charge of keeping these women are this strict
the magic unbroken, and simply so that you can be
sometimes that has a cost, properly free. ◆ RE NA T E
it means rejecting a few Where: A large apartment building with
people.” Steffi-Lotta’s desire separated flats once used as a brothel.
has always been to create Known for: The House Of Red Doors –
places where people could an all-day, all-night sex-themed party.
What the forums say: “Dress like
simply close their eyes and you’re willing to participate in the
listen to the music, and BE HI ND T H E S C E N ES debauchery that happens inside.”
not feel limited by their
financial resources or daily Sarah Hurtes
constraints. “I think from SI S Y P H O S
a political perspective that’s “I met the co-founder of the Where: A former factory with a lake, an
very, very, very important.” notorious sex-infused KitKatClub, abandoned bus and a place for pizza.
I think back to my time Kirsten Krüger. We chatted inside for Known for: Surprise DJ sets. You never
in that endless queue, our over four hours, where she ended know who’s going to play.
up interviewing me – an off-the-
patience tested, and then record chat that I’ll cherish forever.” What the forums say: “Go on a
Saturday afternoon because at night
the moment we were you can be stuck in line for hours.”

HOW






depres sion





























stole my

orga














































92 · COSMOPOLITAN

re a d

































depres sion






























Loss of libido, sensation... and

sense of self. Antidepressants

are wreaking havoc on our sex


































Photographs JOBE LA WRENSON

“Sorry, I take a while.”







I’m coiled up in a ball, gripping at the duvet, holding

it tightly so as to cover my naked body. A few minutes

earlier my nudity with a stranger hadn’t bothered me.
But now, suddenly, it’s making me feel vulnerable.

We’ve been having sex for just over half an hour.

I haven’t orgasmed. And I know there is no chance

that I will at any point soon. It’s definitely time

to call it a night. Yet as much as I want to,

I can’t ignore what has just happened.

I have to say something.

“Don’t worry about it,” I add, the noise muffled

by the pillow I’m hiding my face in. There’s more
I could say, perhaps should say, but none of it


lends itself to sexy bedroom talk. Certainly not on
a one-night stand. It’s a lot easier to just close my

eyes, delve into a deluge of darkness, and forget.







When I was first prescribed at the accompanying leaflet, it reads
antidepressants, I wasn’t thinking like a smorgasbord of robbed
about my sex life. There were more orgasms: coming too slowly, low
important things to focus on. It was sex drive or high sex drive, not being
2015, I was 19 and the Christmas able to get an erection, numbness.
holidays had just begun. I had also The small print goes on…
started to self-harm with anything
I could get my hands on. Low mood, Not feeling myself
low energy, low interest in anything My penis was numb within hours

plagued me day and night. I listed my of taking that first pill. I was ready
reality to my doctor in a monotone, to expect emotional numbness.
telling him I’d tried counselling before I also knew it would take at least
– for OCD – and it hadn’t worked. four weeks before I felt any positive
I wanted medication. He handed me effects… But I didn’t expect to feel
a prescription and off I went. so much less down below.
It was for citalopram, an SSRI The first time I had sex after taking
(selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) the pills, a few weeks in, it was as if I
antidepressant that’s widely used in was wearing half a packet of condoms
the UK. I didn’t take anything in about (I wasn’t even wearing one). Every
the side effects – I only learned of thrust was desensitised; the awesome,
them from a doctor back at university toe-curling high of physical touch
when I popped in to get a second dulled to almost nothing. I didn’t
opinion. Even then, they were orgasm. I know that for women this
mentioned casually. But looking back isn’t unusual, that this suddenly being



94 · COSMOPOLITAN

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,
an issue for me seems a very particular, usernames like “Nogasm” they flood
privileged type of complaint that could onto forums such as Reddit, using the
only come from a man. But it had anonymity the keyboard provides to
never happened before. All my life open up. I learn that having – and
I had an idea of who I should be and wanting – sex deems me “lucky” in
what sex should be – and the act not the eyes of others. John,* who, like
matching up to that terrified me. me, began taking SSRIs while at
Other side effects came on quickly, university, has found his libido
too – from hands so clammy you has completely vanished. “I never
could wring them like a damp flannel fantasise about sex,” he tells me. “It
to gurning as if I’d dropped two Es. doesn’t turn me on any more. It’s like
These sensations were occasional that ‘spark’ is totally lost from my
and gradually went away as my body brain; the rush of attraction and lust
got used to the drug. But the SSRI is gone pretty much completely.”

sexual dysfunction (SSD) persisted. Others experience weaker erections
And it has persisted in various forms or total erectile dysfunction, changes
ever since. I’ve taken around 1,000 in the intensity of an orgasm or less
citalopram tablets in that time, and sensation. Just like the huge mixture
the words “Sorry, I take a while” have of experiences reported online,
become a mainstay of my vocabulary. sexual dysfunction associated with
I still have some sensation, so there antidepressants varies considerably
have been ways for me to be able to between studies, making it difficult
slowly reach orgasm. At
other times, no matter
how hard I am, or how “I expected emotional
hard my partner is
working, it just doesn’t numbness. I didn’t
happen. And the longer
it takes, the more anxious expect to feel so much
I feel, the less concentrated
I become… and then the less down below”
orgasm slowly fades away.


Getting unlucky to estimate the exact incidences or
When Dan,* 25, speaks to me about prevalence. That long leaflet I was
citalopram, he does so in staccato given (which, let’s face it, most people
sentences, as if he’s been suffering for barely read) says sexual side effects are
,
so long he’s tired of elaborating. “common” happening to up to one in
“Weak, mute orgasms. Numbness in 10 people, but experts reckon it could
penis. Trouble maintaining erections,” be a lot more. One thing’s for sure, it
he says, listing his sexual side effects is happening – to men, women and
on his fingers, before moving on to non-binary people across the country.
the emotional impact. “I felt suicidal,” As to why, that’s not 100% clear
he says simply. “Angry. Confused. either, as sex is more than just a
Broken. Less than a man.” Although physical act, it’s emotional too.
he’s able to get erections, the tip of his The symptoms of SSD can have
penis is “still numb” He’s managed to a lasting impact, even if someone
.
move from what he rates as 0/10 sex to comes off the drug. It turns out that
2/10 sex, but is crushingly anxious. “I’m there’s also PSSD: that’s post-SSRI
nervous but I’ve also largely accepted sexual dysfunction. It’s exactly what it
I’m a defect,” he says, shrugging. suggests: the same ill effects persisting
Online, men like Dan are easy to after medication is stopped. It’s under-
find. Disguising themselves under researched, and it affects Dan – he ›



COSMOPOLITAN · 95

come, trying to finish myself, and
I have questioned why I’m still
taking citalopram. Feeling light-
headed and horny, the temptation
to quit the tablets entirely becomes
all I can think about. 
But this would not be a good idea
for me. Taking citalopram didn’t just
dramatically improve my life – it
saved it. A period of depression had
left me confined to my
only took pills for a matter of days, “Sex doesn’t have crumb-filled, sweat-stained
but two years on, symptoms remain. bed, sleeping throughout the
For some, these sexual issues could to be the traditional day and an insomniac during
be down to the depression itself, the night. Pleasures became
with SSRIs merely exacerbating heterosexual penis- pleasureless, emotional pain
the problem. Dr Juliet McGrattan, became physical self-harm.

a health expert and former GP, says, in-vagina way” But finally, medication
“When you’re depressed, there are galvanised me. 
chemical changes and imbalances in Although SSRIs have faced
the brain that make you stop enjoying depression. Unfortunately, few of some fierce criticism that debates
things in life, and that includes sex. these have taken place. In addition, how helpful they actually are, and
Sometimes patients would come to the effects and speed of the much is still unknown about their
me concerned about a lack of sex medication varies from person to workings (and even about depression
drive and after exploration we would person – so it could be positively itself), it’s clear that they do work,
work out that depression was the impacting your mood, while still in some way, for most people. In
underlying cause,” she explains. To compromising your sexual function. 2018, the largest-ever review of
truly separate which symptoms are antidepressant trials (including
†
caused by depression itself and what’s Coming off to come some that weren’t SSRIs) showed
a side effect from the drugs, a large There have been times when I’ve that every single one of the 21
study would need to be conducted been holding my anaesthetised studied, including citalopram,
on adults who don’t suffer from penis in my hand, desperate to worked better than a placebo.



96 · COSMOPOLITAN

read




And with sex, over time, I’ve found we don’t fit into an ancient mould THE OTHER
things that work too. Without going that’s at odds with reality for most SIDE OF
into too much detail, there are other men today. And, in turn, our partners
areas of my body that are just as are told the same things, so when THE BED
sensitive, and sex doesn’t always have we don’t initiate sex or reach orgasm,
to be the traditional penis-in-vagina it can make them feel that there’s
way that heterosexual society fixates something wrong with them, that
Writer Amy Jones discusses
on. It’s taken some adjusting, sure they’re doing something to cause this. the impact of antidepressants
– not just for me, but for my current Of course, it’s clear that, in general, on her sex life…
girlfriend and those before. I am straight men face the least problems
aware that in the same way that my in the world of sex. My issue of
SSD impacts me, it has also impacted not being able to orgasm through Citalopram both killed and saved my
sex life. I started taking it five years
my partners. I’m less likely to initiate penetrative sex is not out of the ago, when I was simultaneously fizzing
sex, which can be demoralising for ordinary. Research conducted by with anxiety and caught in a fog of
them. Just as depression affects the Durex showed that almost 75% of depression. Sex just wasn’t an option.
‡
I had no interest in anything, let alone
people around you, SSD can also women studied do not orgasm during something that would involve putting in
cause collateral damage. sex, compared to 28% of men. This effort or showing off the body my brain
Dr Lori Beth Bisbey, a sex and orgasm gap has only really come into had convinced me was repulsive. It
intimacy coach and psychologist, public consciousness because we’ve wasn’t an option for my boyfriend (now
my husband) either – mainly because he
regularly sees couples who are started to talk about it. And as soon was worried about me, but also because
experiencing SSD. Despite being as I started opening up about my SSD, I don’t think a woman who mopes
happy in many other areas, they things became easier. Every partner around the house without showering
for days was his sexual fantasy.
often feel the issue is ruining their I told was kind and we found a sex life The citalopram helped me pull myself
relationship. It doesn’t have to be this that was enjoyable for all involved. out of the fug and start taking an
way. She says there are two key ways It also made me realise that interest in things again. Showering,
that partners can help. Firstly, they somewhere along the way we’ve got leaving the house, eating something
need to understand this isn’t about it all wrong. Why do orgasms have other than cereal – and sex. I became
PROP STYLIST ELENA HORN. *NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED. † IN THE LANCET. ‡ 2017 SURVEY OF WOMEN IN THE NETHERLANDS AND BELGIUM
very aware that it had been months
their performance, or how attractive to be the marker of successful sex? since I’d had sex with the attractive
they are. Secondly, it’s vital that they It was chasing them that made me man in bed next to me, and all of the
talk about it, and learn about the anxious and afraid. But discussing it, desire and motivation I’d not felt over
that time hit me at once. The problem
side effects in a compassionate way. and becoming able to enjoy sex in was, the mind was willing but the body
Equally, the partner suffering from other ways has brought me hope – a was taking a bit more persuasion.

SSD should still initiate and find hope that in the future I’ll be able to Nothing was happening: I wasn’t
ways to be intimate and satisfy their lie in bed, never anxious, those painful getting wet, orgasms were taking far
longer than before and weren’t as
other half. It’s a balance that’s vital memories of inadequacy as dim as intense. I’d been having regular, easy
to find. And communication is key. mood lighting. One day, I’ll get there. orgasms since my mid-teens, so to
Even if it does take me a while. ◆ suddenly not be able to have one
Sexy talk even though I really wanted to was

When it comes to sex, there are frustrating in every sense of the word.
Thankfully, my husband is a patient
certain gendered stereotypes lodged man and I am as stubborn as a very
deep in the back of so many of our horny mule. We kept at it, with the help
minds. The aforementioned focus of lube and vibrators, and gradually
my body remembered how to enjoy
on penis-in-vagina. That men want it BE HI ND T H E S C E N ES itself. I’m still on citalopram and our
all the time. That we orgasm within sex life is as active and enjoyable as
seconds. That sex has to end in an Kyle MacNeill ever – but I’m lucky. I have friends who
orgasm. These ideas – and more – have found their sex drive non-existent,
or who haven’t been able to orgasm full
have remained since high school “Since I wrote this, the European Medicines stop. Antidepressants are brilliant, but
and are exacerbated by porn culture, Agency has recognised PSSD as a medical we need to make people more aware
so ingrained it can be hard to shake condition that can outlast the use of SSRIs. It’s of how this kind of medication can
ace to see this being talked about, but it’s made
ourselves out of them. For men me more anxious of it happening to me, especially change such a huge part of their lives,
and offer more support to cope with it. 
like myself, Dan and John, these as I’m thinking of coming off my medication. But The To-Do List And Other Debacles
preconceptions weigh us down, even if it does persist, I know I’m not alone.” by Amy Jones is out now
making us feel “less than” because


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P ASOLA




Photographs
From Glossier umbrellas to must-have palettes, they’ve got it all. But
T AR YN
what can the biggest beauty-brand worshippers teach us about our
RAE -LEE
own cravings for beauty merch and the hype that surrounds it? ›




































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8 · COO POL ITAN

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99

Please reserve your judgement,




because it does very much





feel like, in this moment, the




umbrella will fix my life.






It’s first thing in the morning at sale and nobody’s getting special words, he’s asking me to name my

the launch of Glossier’s hotly treatment). It’s not even raining. price. “Were you able to source me
anticipated London pop-up shop, For now, I snap a picture and post one?” he asks. I breathe deeply. Then,
and though the room is bursting it to my Story. It’s almost automatic, minutes later, another notification.
with Britain’s beauty haut monde, like genuflecting at an altar. It’s at “OMG, please let me know!” 
it’s fair to say everyone present has that moment that an Instagram I snap. “Please stop! Just assume I’ll
lost any sense of professionalism DM rips me out of my daze: a reply let you know if I have good news.”
(and, to an extent, their minds).  to my Story, from Jonas, who until He apologises, mortified – and
Grown women use their elbows this moment I never knew existed. that’s when it occurs to me. This isn’t
to jab their way closer to CEO and “OMG!!!” it reads. “Is this for sale?” actually about an umbrella at all.
founder Emily Weiss, who’s in, y’know, Perhaps his slew of messages –
casual attendance. I’m Augustus which are strewn with emojis of UNLEASH THE BEASTS
Gloop-ing my way round all of the shooting stars and desperate faces To Jonas, bargaining with strangers
,
photo opps (or “shareable moments” – strums my heartstrings. Or maybe for access to merchandise is run-of-
if you will), frenzied by the temporary I’m just excited about the status I the-mill behaviour. He’s a hypebeast,
shop’s carnation-coloured sculptures feel in having been identified as an after all. And where pop-star
and floral carpets. The champagne international Glossier correspondent. superfans queue outside arenas to
goes flat, unsipped, not because of the I take the bait. I fill him in.  meet their idols, hypebeasts queue
time of day (it isn’t even 10am), but The regret comes immediately and online and outside shops, waiting
because we’re all too busy drinking lasts for hours while he interrogates to lay their hands on a new launch;
up the Glossier, Glossier, Glossier. me further, with every exclamation be that the latest streetwear, a
Meanwhile, 7,000 miles away in mark another vibration in my pocket. groundbreaking gadget or, in Jonas’s
the Philippines, a 19-year-old called “It’s so cute! I really like to buy case, make-up and beauty merch.
Jonas is in his bedroom, hammering Hypebeasts are clever,
the location tag for this very building, “THE BRAND IS A HAPPY tenacious and gasping for

poised like a heist artist. He’s ready novelty. And if the object
to make his move.  of their updated desire
I know I want the umbrella. It’s the PILL. IT BOOSTS THE sells out, they’ll often turn
latest in Glossier’s list of covetable to resell apps like Depop
merch offerings, following extremely HAPPINESS HORMONES and Ebay, or even strangers
limited releases of keyrings, water on Instagram who could
bottles, baseball caps and more at IN MY BODY” be bribed to stick it in
each of the brand’s global pop-up a bubble-wrap envelope.
shops in Miami, Seattle, Boston and They will stop at nothing.
beyond. That said, I sense I don’t Glossier stuff! I’ll pay international The result? Besides mega-capitalistic
want the umbrella as much as some shipping and any expenses at all!”  mania, a total rewiring of beauty
people – like the high-profile beauty The pings keep coming. shopping as we know it.
journalist I see furtively pleading  “Is it limited stock only? Do you According to his Instagram, Jonas
at the merchandise hatch, met with know someone who could buy it for doesn’t even wear make-up. But he
a polite refusal (they aren’t yet on me and ship it to me?!” In so many tells me that in his eyes, Glossier is



100 · COSMOPOLITAN