.50 MORE TALK
RY 2020 $6 =
NUA MORE SEX
JA
B BIG WHO'S
Beards FASTER?
BIG HAMILTON?
ROSSI OR
Success
2020
COOK STYLE
LIKE A GUIDE
TOP CHEF Aleen
Johnsonohnson
J
DRIVEN THE FIT PIZZA GIRL
DUCATI PANIGALE
RANGE ROVER VELAR
WWW.FHM.COM $6.50
IT’S GRE A T T O BE A MAN
“For last year’s
words belong
to last year’s
language
And next year’s
words await
another voice.”
T.S. Eliot
2 JANUARY 2020
PRECISION INSTRUMENTS FOR TIMEKEEPING
47MM CHRONOLUNAR OFFICER
www.ernstbenz.com
4521 Sharon Rd. Suite 101 Charlotte, NC 28211
[email protected] (704) 295-9190
CONTENTS 01/20
#LH44VR46 p10 Richelle Ryan p70
Genevieve Ava p20 The Lumberjack p78
Panigale V4 p36 On the cover | Aleen Johnson p44 Rachel Mullins p88
6 TRAILBLAZER 36 A STREETFIGHTER TURNED IRON MAN 70 RICHELLE RYAN
John Paul Jones DeJoria Ducati looks to the future with their new And she’s looking hotter
personifies the American dream and improved Panigale V4 than ever!
10 WHEN LEGENDS TRADE 40 S’CHARGED THUNDER 78 THE LUMBERJACK
PLACES See how the Range Rover Velar drops Man manes have
How Lewis Hamilton and Valentino ‘racing’ to strike a balance with luxury become a fashion
Rossi made history by changing statement and here’s
the game! 44 ON THE COVER how you can stand out
Meet this month’s cover star Aleen
20 GENEVIEVE AVA Johnson, a beautiful woman who’s turned 88 RACHEL MULLINS
We hang out with the bikini diva her own adversity into a success story! On how to travel with a
lady
28 WHAT TO WATCH 54 COOK LIKE A PRO
12 new shows to binge on this This month’s theme is chicken, so get out 94 MORE TALK LESS
year the chopping board, and let’s get cooking! SEX
We talk about how
30 GAMERS GET EXCITED 60 GET THE LOOK 2020 ‘talking about’ things is
13 releases that’ll make your 2020 Follow our style guide and you’ll look good good for your
awesome all season long! relationship!
4 JANUARY 2020
Trailblazer
JohnPaulJones
DeJoria
The story of the American Dream is often told through
fictional stories, a romanticized ideal that anyone
can make it in the land of the free. There are multiple
books written about this ideal, movies squarely based
around characters gunning for that dream, yet one
person that has fully experienced the ups and downs
of living the American Dream is John Paul DeJoria. A
man who was twice homeless and went on to become a
multi-billionaire, a man who suffered loss and utilized
that pain and turned it into success. Much like the
storybooks and movies based on the American Dream,
it’s the journey that is the most fascinating and the story
of a once-homeless single father becoming a world-
renowned entrepreneur and philanthropist is what
makes John Paul DeJoria a true trailblazer.
6 JANUARY 2020
JANUARY 2020 7
Trailblazer
A Dime A Dozen more than we do because they caretaker to insurance A Time for
John Paul Jones DeJoria represent a lot of people that salesman, to door-to-door Change
was born the second son of are worse off than we are. shampoo salesman. In that Fast forward a few years
an Italian immigrant father And just remember this, boys. time DeJoria married and had later and a 26-year-old
and a Greek immigrant That in life, there will always a son of his own but in 1966 DeJoria now had a steady
mother on April 13, 1944 in be people that are worse off his wife left him and their job at Time Inc working as a
the Echo Park neighborhood than you. So no matter what two-year-old son. She took circulations manager for the
of Los Angeles, California. By you have, try and share a all the money they had, as Lifetime, Fortune and
the time he was 2 years old, little bit with people.” Well, well as the only car they Sports Illustrated divisions,
his parents got divorced and that’s always stuck with me. owned. As a result, DeJoria yet DeJoria felt it was a
the financial and emotional Success unshared is failure.” couldn’t pay rent on his dead-end job and soon
pressure of raising fell apartment, and was forced to resigned from the position.
squarely on his mother. Yet it However, success would vacate it and live on the street A good friend suggested to
was at that early age where still be a long way off for the with his infant son. What to him to perhaps make the
his mother instilled the young boy from California as many may seem like a down leap over to the professional
now-famous ethos of the financial pressures on his and out situation, DeJoria beauty industry, an industry
“Success Unshared is Failure” single mother became too reflects back on as something many considered to be quite
when John Paul and his much and she had to send her that shaped him into the man open at the time. DeJoria
brother learned a valuable two boys off to East Los he is today and in a very flourished in this new
lesson. In a recent CNBC Angeles to live in a foster candid interview with CNBC environment and quickly
interview John Paul tells the home. As with most foster he reflects on his past moved up from a sales
story “When I was a little boy home children from that struggles. representative to the
around six years old, we time, DeJoria got involved in “Well, it’s not that often national manager of two
didn’t have any money. It was street gang activity during these days that I run across divisions, the Scientific
my mother, my brother and I his high school years and was someone who doesn’t know a Schools and Jane Salons. A
and we would go to downtown heading down a much darker little bit about my year later DeJoria would be
Los Angeles – they had path. Fortunately, DeJoria background. But when I do at a large convention in
streetcars at the time – on a saw the error of his ways and they say, “You were Florida when he was
streetcar. And one time at when a math teacher he actually living in your car? introduced to Paul Mitchell,
Christmas, my mom gave us a greatly respected approached You were homeless on two who at the time was a
dime and told my brother to him and warned him that he occasions? Even collecting flourishing hairdresser. The
hold half the dime each and would never succeed at soda pop bottles so you and two hit it off immediately
walk over to that person with anything in life if he your two-and-a-half-year-old and nine years later the two,
the bucket ringing the bell continued on this journey. son at the time could live?” I tired of irking their way in
and put the dime in. So we DeJoria listened and cleaned said, “Yes, I did.” And it various jobs, decided to
held it half each, walked over up his act. Graduating from shows you that you could do launch their own company,
and popped the dime in. And high school in 1962 and with whatever you have to do in John Paul Mitchell Systems.
then, uh, we said to mom, no real life goals , a life – don’t have to steal from Of course neither of them
“Mom, that’s a lot of money.” 17-year-old DeJoria joined the anybody, don’t have to knock had any start-up capital and
And it was in those days. Ten United States Navy on the anybody over the head, you when their financial backer
cents. That could buy, you USS Hornet and served for could do whatever you have to pulled out things looked
know, three donuts in those two years. In 1964 he in life to make it happen and bleak. In the now-famous
days. It could buy so much returned to civilian life but along the way, if you don’t CNBC interview, DeJoria
stuff. She says, and I said, without the required funds give up, things will get better. fondly looks back at the
“Mom, don’t we need that to attend college he had to And at your very, very humble beginnings of the
money?” She says, “Yes, we revert to various odds jobs to bottom, the only place you can now multi-billion-dollar
do. But that person needs it make ends meet. From go is up anyways.” company.
8 JANUARY 2020
JANUARY 2020 9
Trailblazer
10 JANUARY 2020
“Well, we had a backer for took the seven hundred Tragedy and furniture to sell the architects,
five hundred thousand dollars dollars, so when I called the Tequila he went down there with my
to start John Paul Mitchell bottle man and the silk With John Paul Mitchell builder Jack who was building
Systems but our backer pulled screener, we had no money. Systems steadily growing a house for me at the time,
out in 1980 because our But I did have a thirty-day into a professional beauty and came back with these two
hostages were still in Iran, oil credit line set up. So it took powerhouse, tragedy struck great bottles of tequila. They
was through the ceiling, two weeks from the time the in 1989 as DeJoria’s business were really good. Smoother
unemployment in the United bottles left the bottle company partner, co-founder and than anything we tasted. He
States was over ten percent. to the silk screener to the friend Paul Mitchell sadly lost said, “You know, JP? I could
Inflation was twelve percent filling company, and then we his battle with cancer leaving go down there and change this
and interest rates were twenty had a product. I went DeJoria as the sole owner of formula to be even smoother.
percent. He said, “Nope, can’t knocking on doors, visiting the booming business. It was And by the way, look at this
go into any new business.” beauty salons and going emotionally tough on great bottle I found down
Paul was in Los Angeles at the door-to-door selling our DeJoria, but once again the there. And I can make a great
time. I had everything all set product and Paul did the man who used to sell pop label.” Martin was a fabulous
up. I said, “Paul, how much same thing off the stage when caps to support himself and designer so he did it and I
do you have?” He says, “I he did beauty shows. And we his infant son, he soldiered said, “Well, let’s go and make
don’t have a lot. I can spare kind of worked together at the on to make sure that the an ecological product.” He
three hundred and fifty grassroots level. Finally when company grew even more in said, “JP? How about recycled
dollars.” I got three hundred the bill was due – the first bill the memory of his dear bottles?” So we came up with a
and fifty dollars. That was was due in two weeks. We friend. Yet his next business product where every single
seven hundred dollars. The didn’t have enough to pay the venture would not be in the bottle was recycled of Patrone.
first thing we had to do was to bill, so it was, “The check’s in beauty industry but instead All the paper and cardboard
go to our, uh, artist who did the mail.” Two days later, we his focus would turn to used was recycled. And what
our artwork and say, “Hey, had just enough to pay the tequila. we would do with our product
your artwork, these three bill and we ran behind for “In 1989, I was with a line is present it and
products. Our first three two years. We knew we made friend of mine – Martin. And introduce it. But it was very
products are a thousand it at John Paul Mitchell we were sipping the normal expensive to make. We
dollars. We only have seven Systems two years after we tequilas of the day. And we introduced it in 1989 at
hundred dollars, that’s it. Can were in business. And that’s decided there had to be a thirty-seven dollars a bottle.
we give you three or four because after two years, we better tequila because you Very expensive. Normal
hundred [CHUCKLES] and had enough money to pay our have to hold your breath with tequila was ten dollars a
give you the rest later?” He bill on time. Not pay it off, most of them or mix them with bottle, five dollars a bottle.
says, “Nope. Your bill’s a but pay all of our bills on something or just do a shot And it took a while to take off.
thousand dollars, but I’ll take time and have an extra and go [SIGHS]. We were in And my feeling was this – it
the seven hundred dollars couple thousand dollars in the architectural business – so was so good that if we didn’t
from you right now cause I’ll the bank. Then we knew we on his next buying trip down sell one bottle and I bought
never see another penny.” He really made it.” to Mexico to buy pavers and one thousand cases, twelve
JANUARY 2020 11
Trailblazer
12 JANUARY 2020
thousand bottles. If we didn’t a range of industries like life it’s not ok, it’s not the end.” involved with must be happy
sell one bottle for the next ten sciences, telecoms and He also believes that when people, must be exciting
years, everybody I knew – yachts. DeJoria, as a you do something to help people, but more important
Christmas – anything. You philanthropist, has signed a somebody, that’s what real theyy must be people that as
had a holiday, you got a bottle ‘Giving Pledge’ along with success is all about. we grow our business, they
of Patrone. Christening for a 150 billionaires to give 50% of Reflecting back on how two treat everyone involved with
child, whatever it was, you his earnings for the bottles of shampoo forever them the way that we want to
know, “Happy Birthday, improvement of the world. changed this DeJoria says be treated ourselves, that they
here’s Patrone” because I He supports over 160 “The great thing is to know take care of their staff and
would be proud of it.” charities worldwide. An avid that I was able to start out then as we progress, they help
animal lover, he vowed never with a few bottles of shampoo take care of the entire world.
The expensive tequila to test his products on and because of all the money I That’s a prerequisite.”
brand took a while to take off animals, and instead opted to made off of that, help change
but today it is a global brand test on himself. Today, he the world and make it a better
and considerably larger than lives in a $50 million estate in place to live and make money John Paul DeJoria is a
Paul Mitchell. Once again Malibu, California, with all off of that to start these other true example of the
DeJoria proved to be a the luxuries one can think of. businesses. It’s one of the most American Dream and that
shrewd businessman but Even though he is in his 70s, wonderful feelings you could hard work and passion pays
with a clear goal and values he still works hard, and gives ever imagine especially when off. He is, one of the most
attached to smart business back as much as he can. All you’re able to give back and inspirational billionaires
decisions. He is also the his business decisions are know as you succeed, the around and on top of that a
founder of more than a dozen always in line with world succeeds with you. caring and thoughtful
other businesses from the philanthropic aspects. He When I start new businesses, person. A billionaire with
House of Blues to DeJoria believes that “in the end, what I have to keep in mind is heart is indeed a rare animal
Diamonds. He is interested in everything will be ok, and, if whoever the people I’m these days.
*Interview Excerpts Taken from The CNBC Interview “I Am American Business” on cnbc.com
JANUARY 2020 13
#LH44VR46
JANUARY 2020
In a historic moment for both Lewis Hamilton
and Valentino Rossi, and their respective sports,
the pair completed an unprecedented track
day as each swapped machinery recently at the
Circuit Ricardo Tormo.
Valentino Rossi drove The Mercedes-AMG F1 W08 EQ
Power+, a car that won the 2017 FIA Formula One™ World
Championship with Mercedes-AMG Petronas Motorsport
at the hands of Lewis Hamilton, whilst Lewis rode the 2019
Monster Energy Yamaha MotoGP YZR-M1 bike that only weeks
earlier had been piloted by Valentino at the very same circuit.
The significance of the occasion was not lost on either Lewis
or Valentino who have made no secret of their admiration and
respect for each other in recent years. Acting as mentors for
one another, the pair were able to complete multiple runs on
each other’s machinery and share insights and learnings about
each other’s craft.
JANUARY 2020 15
#LH44VR46
The six-time Formula One
World Champion, Lewis
Hamilton:
“It’s so awesome to see a legend like Valentino
in the car. I’m excited for him, for discovering
the car for the first time. Reminds me of my
first time in a F1 car. When you see all the
team around you, it’s just a different animal.”
Of his time out on track riding the Yamaha
YZR-M1 with Rossi he added, “It was so cool
to be out on track and see Valentino ahead of
me on the same bike.”
#LH44VR46
For the nine-time MotoGP World
Champion, Valentino Rossi:
“I was a big fan of Lewis’ before but now I am even
more. We had a fantastic day where the two top
classes of motorsports not only met but worked
together. I felt like a real F1 driver for a day. I didn’t
want the day to end. “I also rode the YZR-M1 on
track with Lewis. It was a proud moment for the
team to share our passion with him. Technically,
Valencia is a hard track and today was windy so at
one point I thought it would be difficult for Lewis
to continue, but he was brilliant on the bike and his
position on the M1 was great. I think he had loads of
fun which is the main thing.”
Genevieve Ava
Genevieve Ava
Bikini Diva
Ronald Wayne Mike “Ohrangu” Tang Toby Harrison Brian Hayes
@ronaldwayne_ @ohrangutang @toby.harrison @brianbhayes_photo
20 JANUARY 2020
Hey guys, I’m Genevieve Ava and I’m from San
Diego, CA but living in the city that doesn’t
sleep, Las Vegas. I currently received a Pro card
in the WBFF and looking forward to compet-
ing for a world title in 2020. When I’m not in
the gym I’m practicing my golf game, “drive for
show, putt for dough.” I love any chance I get
to travel to tropical places and enjoy the sun-
shine and tequila!
JANUARY 2020 21
Genevieve Ava
Keento see more
ofGenevieve? Then
followherjourneyon
Instagram@genevieveava
for allherlatestnews and
contentupdates!
22 JANUARY 2020
SOMETHINGSURPRISING
I’mtrilingualandspeakfluentSpanishandTagalog.
TagalogisthelanguageofthePhilippines and I am first
generation Filipino-American!
MYHOBBIES
Someofmyhobbiesincludegolfing.I’veplayedmyentire
lifeandI’mstillan avid golfer. I love taking your money on
thecourse!
TURNON
Mybiggestturnonisamanwithfacialhair.Iloveagood
ol’beardandwhenamanopensthecardoorforyouisalso
anotherturnon. I can appreciate a man that knows chivalry
isn’tdead.
TURNOFF
Whatturnsmeoffthemostiswhenamanactscheap!
Womennoticethat!Iwentonadateonceandtheguy
tipped10%onacheckwithreceiving great service and I just
hadtokick him to the curb!
TAKINGMEONADATE
Ilikemydatesshortandsweet.Ipreferagood
burgerspotwherethere’sgameslikecornhole.Keepit
entertainingwithgoodconversationandafewlaughs. Feed
meand have a sense of humor and I’m yours!
MYPERFECTMAN
Myperfectmanis6’2,athletic,fullbeard,gentleman,has
asenseofhumor,issweetbutstern so he can put me in
checkevery once in a while.
EXCITINGTHINGSHAPPENING
ThisyearI’mlookingforwardtocompetingasaproin
theWBFFinhopesoftakingaworldtitle.TheWBFFisa
beautyandfitnessfederation.Iamalsoworking on my golf
gameto become a Pro in the LPGA.
SOMEINTERESTINGTHINGSABOUTME
Iamahomebody.I’dmuchrathercurluponthecouch
andcookdinnerthangooutandgethammeredataclub.
OnethingaboutmyselfthatIwishmorepeopleknewwas
thatIlove cooking! I make an amazing homemade pot pie.
CELEBCRUSH
MycelebcrushisRobertDowneyJr.I’mdrawntoolder
men.Youknowwhattheysay,“theoldertheberry, the
sweeter the juice” or something like that.
OUTSIDEOFMODELING
WhenI’mnotbusymodelingIlovekeepingbusywith
activitieslikethegunrange,thegolfrangeand the gym. I
lovethe occasional Dave & Buster’s too!
SOMEONESPECIAL
ThereissomeonespecialinmylifeandhisnameisLeo.He
ismyblue-brindledFrenchieandhegoeseverywhereIgo!
YoucanfindhimandallouradventuresonhisInstagram
@leospawty! If you can’t lovemydogthenIcan’tlove you.
JANUARY 2020 23
Genevieve Ava
24 JANUARY 2020
JANUARY 2020 25
Genevieve Ava
26 JANUARY 2020
JANUARY 2020 27
Entertainment
2019 was an amazing year for series, from Netflix’s The
Witcher to Amazon Prime’s The Boys to Disney +’s
The Mandalorian. With such a huge variety of amazing
shows catering for every need, will 2020 live up to the
high standards of last year? These twelve shows might
just make 2020 the best year ever for series.
By Andre Coetzer
Messiah
Bringinginthenewdecadefromthe1stofJanuary,Netflix’sMessiahtellsthestoryofamysteriousman
thatarrivesinAmericaclaimingtobethechosenone,thetruemessiah.Thischosenonestartsattracting
internationalattentionandfollowersthroughactsofpublicdisruptionandit’suptoaCIAofficerto
investigatethismysteriousstrangeranduncoverifheisindeedadivineentityoradangerousconartist.This
intensepoliticalandsci-fithrillerissettogettheheartracingandleavetheviewertomakeuptheirownmind
abouttheauthenticityofthenewmessiah.
AJandtheQueen
AfterthemassivesuccessofRuPaul’sDragRaces,themulti-talentedperformerreturnswithascriptedseries
forNetflix.RuPaulstarsasRobertLee,a.k.a.RubyRed,acareerdragqueenwhohashopesanddreamsof
finallyopeningherowndragclub.Afterbeingswindledbyacharismaticconartist,Rubyisforcedtopick
upthepiecesandhittheroad,doingshowsinordertogethermoneyback.Alongtheway,RubymeetsAJ,
ascrappyorphanandthetwocometogetherforaroadtripshowyou’llneverforget.Althoughthepremise
soundspainfullyfamiliar,theunpredictabilityofRuPaulissuretokeepthisshowinteresting.
TheNewPope
AstraightsequeltothePaoloSorrentinoseries,TheYoungPope,continuesthestoryofPopePiusXIII,
againplayedbyJudeLaw,goingheadtoheadwiththetitularnewPopeJohnPaulIII,playedbyveteran
JohnMalkovich.Althoughdetailsarescarceasofwriting,thetrailershinttotwoverydifferentpope’sgoing
headtohead.Law’syoungandaudaciouslymodernpopecomparedtotheoldschoolwaysofMalkovich’s
moreoldtestamentpope.IthasallthepotentialforhighdramaandthepromiseofseeingSharonStoneand
MarilynMansonmakingguestappearancesmakesthisshowevenmoreenticing.
TheOutsider
StephenKing’snovelshavealwaysbeenripeforTVandfilmadaptationsandhismostrecentnovelThe
Outsiderisnoexception.ThisnewHBOadaptationistheultimatetaleofotherworldlynightmarescreeping
intoourexistence.Itstartsoffseeminglikeastandardtruecrimestory,butthisisonlythestartofthe
nightmare.TheOutsiderbeginswiththediscoveryofabrutallymurderedchildinasmallGeorgiatown.The
casehitslocaldetectiveRalphAndersonextrahard,ashe’sstillgrievingthesuddendeathofhisownson.As
Ralphandhisfellowcopsgatherevidenceandinterviewwitnesses,astark,disturbing,butunquestionable
picturecomestogether.
Duncanville
DuncanvilleisanewanimatedsitcomfromParksandRecstarAmyPoehlerandSimpson’salumniMike
Scully.It’scentredaroundaspectacularlyaverage15-year-oldboywitharichfantasylife,andthepeoplein
hisworld.Likemost15-year-olds,Duncancanseeadulthoodonthehorizon:money,freedom,carsandgirls;
buttherealityismorelike:alwaysbeingbroke,drivingwithone’smomsittingshotgunandbabysittingone’s
sister.He’snotexceptional,buthehasawildimaginationinwhichhe’sneveranythinglessthanamazing.
DuncanvilleislookingverypromisingespeciallywithitsstrongvoicecastofModernFamilystarTyBurrel,
RashidaJones,WizKhalifaandPoehlerherself.
12 New Shows
28 JANUARY 2020
Little America Run
Apple TV+ has been mildly disappointing since launch but that Very little is known so far about HBO’s new
looks set to change with the release of Little America, a series series Run, yet there is a lot of hype behind this
inspired by the true stories featured in Epic Magazine about new show. Mostly because of the involvement
the inspiring and heartfelt stories of immigrants in America. of multi award-winning writer and actor Phoebe
Hollywood power couple Emily V. Gordon and Kumail Nanjiani, Waller-Bridges. Run sees Ruby, a woman living
alongside Lee Eisenberg will write and produce this anthology a humdrum existence, getting a text inviting her
series, so it’s guaranteed to have a lot of laughs, tears and a boatload to fulfill a youthful pact promising true love and
of humanity. This might just be the show to make Apple TV+ an self-reinvention by stepping out of her life to take
essential purchase. a journey with her oldest flame. The series stars
Merrit Wever and Donhnall Gleeson as the star
The Falcon and The Winter crossed lover with Waller-Bridge co-executive
Soldier producing and co-starring. It hosts a stunning
Disney+ already had a huge hit on their channel with the supremely cast and incredible writing talent behind it. Run
popular Star Wars story, The Mandalorian, largely thanks to the looks set to continue Phoebe’s amazing run of
ridiculously cute “Baby Yoda”. Now Disney turns to its other big cleaning up at the Emmys.
franchise, the Marvel Cinematic Universe, to establish itself as a
major streaming service. Picking up after the events of Avengers: Star Trek: Picard
Endgame, The Falcon and Winter Soldier will follow the lives of One of the most surprising announcements
Sam Wilson and Bucky Barnes post the loss of Steve Rogers a.k.a. from last year was the return of Star Trek’s
Captain America. With the mantle or shield of Cap passed on to favorite captain, the legendary Jean-Luc Picard.
Wilson, we will experience the story and struggle of the former Set 18 years after Star Trek: Nemesis, when
Falcon as he attempts to become the next Captain America. Picard is well into his retired life away from the
Starfleet, spending his days on a vineyard, but
Normal People his peace is shattered when a woman who is in
Based on the incredibly popular and fantastic novel of the same serious danger asks him for help. It came as a
name by Irish author Sally Rooney, Normal People explores the massive surprise to all Star Trek fans, but one of
fascinating connection between two people through various the most heart-warming moments was seeing
stages of their lives. At school, Connell and Marianne pretend Picard himself, Sir Patrick Steward announce the
not to know each other. He’s a popular and well-adjusted, star of reveal itself as well as his return to the seminal
the school soccer team while she is lonely, proud, and intensely role. A big question on everyone’s lips, however,
private. But when Connell comes to pick his mother up from her is which Picard will we see, the peaceful and wise
housekeeping job at Marianne’s house, a strange and indelible Picard from the original series or the action-first
connection grows between the two teenagers—one they are reckless Picard from the films. The answer could
determined to conceal. A year later, they’re both studying at Trinity make or break the show.
College in Dublin. Marianne has found her feet in a new social
world while Connell hangs at the side-lines, shy and uncertain. Snowpiercer
Throughout their years in college, Marianne and Connell circle Initially, an underappreciated 2013 sci-fi film
one another, straying toward other people and possibilities but starring Chris Evans and Tilda Swinton about
always magnetically, and irresistibly drawn back together. Then, as survivors on a train that endlessly circles the
she veers into self-destruction and he begins to search for meaning post-apocalyptic, frozen earth. It’s a ridiculous
elsewhere, each must confront how far they are willing to go to premise but the politics and social commentary
save the other. of the film was masterfully handled by Korean
director Bong Joon-Ho. TBS’ Snowpiercer
Nine Perfect Strangers will pick up seven years after the events of the
Another book adaptation sees Liane Moriarty’s seminal novel original film. Not much has changed. The titular
appear on the small screen to deliver her insanely great read to train driving the remaining members of Earth in
the masses. Starring Nicole Kidman as a spa owner who has nine a post-apocalyptic world is still operating under
strangers attend her spa for relaxation spread over ten days and get some warped socio-economic structures. Ed
way more than they signed up for. Some are there to lose weight, Harris’ de facto conductor from the original film
some are there to get a reboot on life, some are there for reasons has been replaced by Jennifer Connelly, who
they can’t even admit to themselves. Amidst all of the luxury and spends her time ensuring that everything aboard
pampering, the mindfulness and meditation, they know these Snowpiercer is going to plan. There will be no
ten days might involve some real work. But none of them could uprisings from the lower class on her watch, well,
imagine just how challenging the next ten days are going to be. at least not right away.
To Binge In 2020
JANUARY 2020 29
Gaming
13 Reasons Gamers
Should Be Excited This Year
With the previous decade treating gamers to some amazing titles and moments,
it’s with absolute glee that we look forward to what the next decade holds. And
judging by these amazing titles coming to gamers in 2020, it looks like it’s going
to be an amazing decade.
30 JANUARY 2020
CYBERPUNK 2077
Release Date: April 16, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC
Without a doubt the most anticipated
game this year, Cyberpunk 2077 is from the
amazing developers of The Witcher series,
CD Projekt Red. Based on the tabletop game,
Cyberpunk 2020, featuring a massive open
world filled with missions, NPC’s, a boatload
of weapons and abilities as well as a gripping
story. You’ll play as V, an agent that takes on
various tasks in Night City. Rampant with
homelessness, corruption and all-out gang
warfare, V will have to step outside of the law
to bring justice to this morally lost city. And of
course it will feature Keanu “You’re Breath-
taking” Reeves. Instant game of the year.
JANUARY 2020 31
Gaming
HALO INFINITE
Release Date: Q4 2020
Platform: Xbox One, Xbox X Series, PC
Not a lot is known so far of the next iteration
in the highly-rated Halo series, but one thing
we do know is that it will feature the return
of series mainstay Master Chief. Many were
disappointed with Halo 5’s story but developers
have reassured us that Infinite will be heavily
focused on the mighty Spartan. With the release
date set to late 2020, many are speculating
that it will be a launch title for the new Xbox X
Series consoles, but rest assured Xbox One and
PC owners, it is definitely launching on current-
gen consoles and on Game Pass to boot.
DYING LIGHT 2
Release Date: Q2 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC
The sequel to the 2015 surprise parkour-filled,
zombie slasher hit, Dying Light 2 which was
announced way back at E3 2018 will finally
reach our consoles in 2020. Expect the same
crazy parkour action around a brand new city,
with updated visuals and even more terrifying
zombies. Throughout the game, players will
have to make a series of choices, each of which
will have unforeseen consequences. The
developer Techland has also promised a much
larger map as well as support and potential
upgrades for the new generation of consoles
that are around the corner.
MARVEL’S AVENGERS
Release Date: May 15, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC, Stadia
When initially announced at E3 2019, many
people were skeptical of the new Avenger’s
game from Crystal Dynamics (developer of
the recent Tomb Raider Trilogy). Many felt
the gameplay looked off, the characters looked
weird and many feared it might just be a quick
Marvel Cash Grab. However, as more of the
game has been revealed, the excitement for the
Avengers has grown exponentially. Marvel’s
Avengers will begin at the events of A-Day,
the unveiling of the new Avengers HQ in
San Francisco. However, after a quick turn of
events which results in the death of civilians,
the Avengers officially disband. Fast forward
five years later, and all superheroes are now
outlawed. However, a recent world event
puts humanity at risk, and the only hope is to
reassemble the Avengers.
32 JANUARY 2020
DOOM ETERNAL
Release Date: March 20, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC,
Stadia, Switch
After the massively successful return of the
Doom franchise in 2016, id Software returns
with the direct sequel to one of the goriest and
most action-packed games in the last decade.
Experience a combination of speed and power
as you rip your way across dimensions as the
epically named DOOM slayer. Eternal will bring
the same fast-paced action and ferocity of the
2016 iteration and pump it up to eleven. Bigger
demons, more powerful guns and multiple
ways to tear the otherworld demons apart is
but a handful of reasons to get excited for the
granddaddy of the FPS.
FINAL FANTASY VII REMAKE
Release Date: March 3, 2020
Platform: PlayStation 4
One of the most celebrated and iconic games in
videogame history finally gets its big remake and
RPG fans around the world cannot wait. With
a complete graphical overhaul as well as brand
new battle systems, Final Fantasy VII Remake
looks absolutely incredible and it’s hard to
believe it’s based on the 1997 original. Although
the look and systems have changed dramatically,
developer Square Enix has made sure to stick to
the original story and keep in place the elements
that have made this game an all-time classic. It’s
time to return to Midgar and relive the magical
experience all over again.
THE LAST OF US PART 2
Release Date: May 29, 2020
Platform: PlayStation 4
Developer’s Naughty Dog have cemented
themselves as one of the premier developers
over the last two console generations, delivering
gamers like the amazing Uncharted series that set
a new level for adventure games. With Uncharted
being the fun globe-trotting adventure, it’s their
other classic The Last of Us that has stuck with
gamers emotionally and when the sequel was
announced many a gamer cheered as they knew
it would be another emotionally draining venture
through the post-apocalypse with a much older
Ellie. The game looks amazing and the story
is as heavy as ever, so don’t be surprised when
this shows up on a lot of ‘game of the year 2020’
awards come December.
JANUARY 2020 33
Gaming
VAMPIRE: THE MASQUERADE
BLOODLINES 2
Release Date: March 31, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC
The original was a clunky mess, but was
arguably one of the most beloved RPG’s on
PC back in the early 2000s. For years fans
have been screaming for a sequel and finally
in 2020 their screams have been heard. Based
on the popular tabletop game, Vampire: The
Masquerade, Bloodlines 2 follows the story of a
human from Seattle, who wakes up as a vampire
after being killed. Upon realizing they are now a
vampire, players must upgrade their powers and
join one of the five blood clans. The wealth of
choices and side quests is staggering and looks
to live up to the 2004 classic.
NIOH 2
Release Date: March 13, 2020
Platform: PlayStation 4
Described by many as Dark Souls with samurais,
yet the original Nioh was so much more. Yes it
shared a lot of similarities with the Souls series,
but it brought a complex battle system, a deep
and varied upgrade system and a unique story
drenched in ancient Japanese lore. The sequel
will feature various upgrades to the already
popular systems and will be set in a new and
equally dangerous Sengoku era. Expect a tough-
as-nails action RPG that will push even the most
seasoned Souls player to the edge.
MICROSOFT FLIGHT
SIMULATOR
Release Date: TBC, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PC
The last decade was not kind to flight simulator
fanatics, with titles released few and far between,
but Microsoft is set to change that in 2020 with a
brand new entry into their every popular Flight
Simulator series. Expect the same ultra-realistic
controls and plane behaviors from previous
entries, set to photo-realistic graphics, captured
using tons and tons of geographical information
to create a near-perfect representation of planet
earth, some might even be lucky enough to fly
over their own houses. Add in the challenge of
real-life weather patterns and behaviors so you
know potential pilot wannabes are in for an
absolute treat.
JANUARY 2020
WATCH DOGS LEGION
Release Date: TBC, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC, Stadia
After a dreary first entry in the series, the
original Watch Dogs had so much potential and
with the release of Watch Dogs 2 developer,
Ubisoft almost achieved its full potential.
However, with Watch Dogs Legion, those early
promises seem to be fully delivered. A radical
departure from the original concept Legion
takes place in a post-Brexit London. The game
will follow a London-based hacker group,
known as DedSec, as they try to fight the new
London authority. Unlike the previous entries,
there will be no single hero character, but
instead you can recruit anyone in London to be
part of the hacker group. So far our favorite is
the mild-mannered granny.
GHOST OF TSUSHIMA
Release Date: Mid 2020
Platform: PlayStation 4
After the incredible debut trailer earlier last year,
The Ghost of Tsushima has been high on every
PlayStation owner’s list. From the gorgeous
landscape to the epic samurai showdowns,
this game stood out from every single Sony
announcement. Ghost of Tsushima is set in
1274 and explores the story of Jin Sakai. In the
game, Japan is invaded by the Mongol people,
who place them under extreme oppression.
Players will have to master the way of the
Ghost, in order to free Japan from the grips of
Mongols. Featuring a beautifully rendered open
world that can be explored without the use of
waypoints or guidance objectives, this promises
to be a sleeper hit for the PS4 goliath.
ELDEN RING
Release Date: TBC, 2020
Platform: Xbox One, PlayStation 4, PC
From the creators of Dark Souls, Bloodborne
and Sekiro comes one of the most exciting titles
of 2020, even though we hardly know anything
about the game apart from an announcement
trailer. However, it was the details revealed
in the announcement trailer that got people
talking, as developer From Software will create
their first truly open-world game but also team
up with Game of Thrones maestro George
R.R. Martin to create a unique world and story.
Considering the fantastic games From has
created combined with the story-driven skills
of Martin, this could quite possibly be their
greatest game yet.
JANUARY 2020 35
Panigale V4
36 JANUARY 2020
Ducati
Panigale V4
From Streetfighter
to
IRON MAN
This month we’re checking out the The 2020 version of the Panigale V4 front-end ‘feel’ particularly at extreme
newest edition of the Panigale V4 boosts performance even further than lean angles.
In their mission to create the
before and takes track riding to the
which we think looks absolutely next level for amateurs and pros alike. perfect Panigale Ducati and Ducati
amazing with its sporty appeal and There’s a new series of refinements Corse engineers have crunched the
that makes the bike easier to ride while
feedback from customers all over the
agile demeanor. We’ve always been also ensuring it still has ample world and their analysis has led to a
avid fans of Ducati and this latest handling and a sturdy kick right from series of aerodynamic, chassis,
the first tug of the throttle.
electronic control and Ride by Wire
The latest edition also comes with
installment has us wide-mouthed an Aero Pack which provides enhanced mapping changes and refinements.
This means we now have a bike with
with awe - and drooling like an airflow protection and improves improvements all-round but what we
infant. It’s easy on the eye, sexier overall vehicle stability on the road really enjoy is the increased stability
and turn-in speed that make the bike
which seemed to enhance our
than most sports bikes currently confidence behind the handlebar even much easier to close corners. But wait,
on the market and nobody would further. The unique thing about bikes the good news doesn’t stop there. The
Panigale V4 is an awesome base in its
like this is that all the parts are
blame you for jumping on the carefully made and integrated to create own right but there is also an S version
that comes with Öhlins event-based
a system that works in unison as
Panigale and pretending you’re the opposed to an engine on wheels electronic control which uses a
Flash! This baby really is the full designed to burn-up a straight line. second-generation Öhlins Smart EC
What’s also cool is how the front frame
(Electronic Control) system that
package, come take a look. can modify stiffness providing a better exploits its full potential.
JANUARY 2020 37
Panigale V4
ATITSCORE
The V engine
For Ducati, the V4 layout at 90° is the utmost
expression of sportiness for a motorcycle engine. It
is no coincidence that it is the same solution used
in the MotoGP Desmosedici engines. The 90° V
layout of the cylinders creates a natural balancing
of first-order forces without the need to resort to a
balance shaft to eliminate the vibrations that
notoriously entail increases in weight and power
absorption. In addition to this primary benefit,
which is extremely important for the reliability
and mechanical efficiency of an engine that
reaches rotation speeds greater than 14,000 rpm,
there are others that make the configuration
chosenbyDucatithemosttechnicallyrefined.
Its compactness
Compared to a classic in-line four-cylinder, the
lateral compactness of the V-engine allows greater
centralization of the masses and makes it possible
to limit the weight on the front end of the bike.
Furthermore, the shorter crankshaft generates a
smaller gyroscopic effect. All these aspects have a
positive impact on the bike’s dynamics, helping to
make it light and fast when changing directions.
The large space available between the V of the
cylinders made it possible to position the water
pump and have a large volume airbox (12.8 liters) to
allowtheDesmosediciStradaletobreathebetter.
Integration of engine and chassis
The optimal integration of engine and chassis is a
fundamental concept behind every one of Ducati’s
projects. That is why the Desmosedici Stradale
was developed to be mounted and rotated
backwards just like the Ducati MotoGP engines.
This format optimizes weight distribution and
shifts the swinging arm pivot forwards as much as
possible. The Desmosedici Stradale was also
designed to be a structural element of the frame.
Connections to the main frame were added to the
front of the upper casing and in the head of the rear
bank. The engine block also acts as a connection
for the rear suspension and swinging arm.
DISPLACEMENT
1,103 cc
POWER
214 hp (157.5 kW) @ 13,000 rpm
TORQUE
91.5 lb-ft (124.0 Nm) @ 10,000 rpm
DRY WEIGHT
386 lb (175kg)
38 JANUARY 2020
THEEXTRABITS
Completetitaniumexhaustassembly
MadeexclusivelybyAkrapovičwiththeDucatiexperience,itisthemost
advancedracingassemblyavailableonthemarket.Eachsectionofthesystem
ismanufacturedinaspecialtitaniumalloythatisbothlightweightand
resistanttohightemperatures,allowingforanoverallreductioninthebike’s
weight.Onceinstalledonthebike,theexhaustdramaticallyincreasesthe
alreadyexcellentweight-to-powerratioofthePanigale,forbreathtaking
accelerationsandstretches.Thankstoitsexperience,DucatiCorsehas
developedthequalitiesofthemotorcycleandexhausttotheirmaximum
levelstocreateaperfectsynergy,specificallyforthisexhaust,recalibrating
themanyand fundamental electronic aids: DTC, DWC, DPL and Slide on
demand.
Dryclutchkit
JustlikeinMotoGP,wheretheonlythingthatmattersisutmost
performance,thedryclutchismadeavailablefortheotherV4models(it
comesstandardonthePanigaleV4R).ThisisanSTMEVO-SBKclutchmade
frombilletaluminumwithhousinganda48-toothplatepack.Theplatesare
9drivenand9linedwithadiameterof138mm.Whenracingonthetrack
thereareimportantbenefitsineaseofhandling.Specifically,thedryclutch
ensuresamoreeffectiveslipperfunction,evenduringthemostaggressive
downshifts,andgreaterfluidityduringall“off-throttle”stages.Inaddition,
the“mechanical”enginebrakelevelcanbecustomizedbychoosinga
differentsecondaryspringfromthoseavailableinthecatalog.
Otherimportantadvantagesaretheabsenceofresistancefromtheengineoil
andcleaneroilsincetheplateweardustisnotconveyedintothelubrication
circuit.Theracingcharacterofthedryclutchisanexcitingadded benefit for
themostpassionateDucatistas and sports bike enthusiasts.
Magnesiumrims
Theunmatchedlightweightperformanceofforgedmagnesiummeetsstyle
–asignature9-spokedesignthatcombinesclass,highperformanceand
weightsaving. Be aware though, this set of rims is approved for single-seat
useonly.
Thehandgrips
Inspiredbytheracingworld,thesehandgripsensureanexcellentgripin
everyridingsituationandarebuiltto avoid accidental slipping of the hand -
andtoreducethevibrationsfelt.
Carbontankcover
ThisisasplendiddetailthatembellishesthefrontofthenewPanigaleV4
tankinawaythatonlycarbonfibercan.Thefinishingandlinesofthis
accessoryareperfectly integrated into the racing look of the latest bike made
atBorgoPanigale.
Adjustableriderfootpegsinaluminum
ThesearedevelopedthankstotheexperienceofDucatiCorseandtheskillful
productivecareofRizoma.They’remadeofahigh-qualityanodized
aluminumalloythatmaintainsitsoriginalappearanceovertime.Theyare
adjustableinsixpositionsallowingtheridertofindthepositionthatbest
suitstheirbuildandridingstyle.Thesefootpegsarealsoequippedwith
fold-awaybrakeandgearchangepedalstominimizetheriskofbreakagein
theeventofaslip.TheyusethestandardDQS,whichcanbeconfiguredboth
asatraditionalshiftandasareversed/racingshiftwhich makes them an
essential accessory for the most demanding riders.
JANUARY 2020 39
Motoring
Range Rover Velar SVAD
S’Charged Thunder
xury and
4.3 seconds
I’ll now attempt to unpack in Land Rover’s increasingly fragmented and a top speed of 170mph shape up well but are by no means
vernacular. At its core, this flagship Velar emerges from the Special benchmarks against peers who have a narrower (read sportier) focus.
Vehicle Operations skunkworks but drops the ‘Racing’ to strike a The hairy chested supercharged V8 provides all its violent thwack
level balance with luxury. In other words, to enhance the Velar’s below 4,000rpm even though the needle will continue to climb to
current characteristics. 6,900rpm. You end up reveling in the noise or enjoying how the
Mostly, it must be said, by inheriting the five liter supercharged V8 suspension compresses under acceleration but it doesn’t dry the eyeballs
which is a doyen of the JLR family with the same power and torque as in in the way a Porsche Macan Turbo does. And I keep thinking that the V8
the recently launched F Pace SVR. I won’t pretend that this doesn’t have isn’t as limber as some of the competition’s straight sixes.
the single biggest effect on the Velar’s personality grabbing the Weight is a factor 660 pounds heavier than the Macan which is
aggression, noise and carbon emission knobs and giving them a full slightly disappointing given the company’s song and dance about
40 JANUARY 2020
aluminum construction. But then again this and the smaller capacity rear view mirror you’ll notice that your backseat passengers are
GLC 63 AMG are among the few remaining V8s in the segment, the wobbling about like milk tarts. Over a long distance, I imagine this is
blunt appeal of which should not be underestimated. going to create great discomfort for one’s forearms which is a great pity
If you want lairy, head over to Jaguar and put your name down for because without it this could be one of the more relaxing cars on sale. To
the F Pace SVR. The Velar won’t send as much power to the rear wheels soothe things the autonomous drive systems are great, I mean really
and cooks its uprated brakes rather quickly no option of carbon great. On roads leading in and out of country roads, I counted 25
ceramics here. seconds of hands off driving before its system required some human
It’s a fine enough chassis that distinguishes itself from other Velars intervention.
thanks to beefier anti roll bars and a modified Active Rear Locking Inside things are intentionally less sporty than they could be. Think
Differential. On a twisty road, Velar’s air suspension remains confidently deep seats with lots of adjustability and leather that feels like the cows
flat but it’s less polished on a straight road; the steering wheel jiggles and were raised on a diet of butter. There’s a massage function, heated
writhes around in your hand almost constantly and if you look in the steering wheel and heated and cooled seats. Lots of nearby storage,
JANUARY 2020 41
Motoring
“Inside things are
intentionally less
sporty than they
could be.”
42 JANUARY 2020
although less than a Discovery, and high quality
materials from floor to roof lining. Hard, gritty
plastics, even in those hard to reach places where
we’d normally forgive a company for saving a few
bucks, simply don’t feature.
The Touch Pro Duo system which groups all
climate and entertainment features on the bottom
screen and uses the top screen for vehicle settings,
debuted on Velar and I still find myself nodding
appreciatively every time I lay hands on it. If that
looks a little too daunting, you can still do most
things with the two physical knobs or the chunky
buttons on the steering wheel.
The Velar’s appeal has always been the sleek
proportions, as well as the way it conceals those
expected off road credentials in an aerodynamic
suit. You’re getting a proper Range Rover experience
without all the, often superfluous, compromises.
And it’s priced well, a manageable and tangible
increase up from the likes of the Velar D300 HSE
which has none of the character that this has in
heaps, despite a bit more torque.
Still, the Velar SVAD is not perfect. How could it
be when it tries to be so many things all at once? I
wish it had better body control for starters, but it’s
still a lot of luxurious metal you can hear thundering
along from a mile away.
JANUARY 2020 43
Cover Feature | Aleen Johnson
Al en
Meetthismonth’scoverstar,AleenJohnson.She’smorethanjustabeautifulface
havingstrivedandsurvivedthroughhardshipstocomeoutasathrivingand
successfulyoungwoman.Here,Aleensharesmoreaboutwhosheis,whatshe’sabout
andhowshe’sturnedeverythingaroundtocomeoutontop!
Photographer: Hair Stylist & Makeup Artist:
Arthur St. John | @arthurstjohn Taylor Jazz | @taylor_jazz
It’s really awesome to have you Aleen, could you tell our readers a little moved to a different school district and that was my chance at redemption.
bit more about your background and how it’s come to inspire others? 2012 was the year I stopped going by the name of Aleen. I was now Aly
My name is Aleen N. Johnson (Aly) and I am THEFITPIZZAGIRL. and all I wanted was to be completely invisible. My mission was to graduate
Now that my days are over in the U.S. Air Force, I have never been more and make a life for myself somewhere else. During this time, I decided that I
hungry and determined for my future fitness and modeling career to launch. was going to serve my country. I had no idea what I wanted to do. I had no
My main purpose is using fitness and health to promote mental health idea what branch I wanted to join. All I knew was that if I was going to live in
awareness and body positivity empowerment. Due to certain circumstances this country, I was going to serve it! Within a few months of graduation, I
and childhood trauma... my future decisions, actions and attitude could have signed a contract to the U.S Air Force and shipped out on the 19th of August
led me to a lifetime of endless misery and self-harm but throughout the years 2013 from Pittsburgh, PA. I told myself that once I joined, my past wouldn’t
I have tried my hardest to push through by not only sharing my experiences follow me, but you can’t hide from your own darkness. The shadow follows
with others but by promoting a healthy lifestyle mentally, emotionally, you and no matter how hard you want to get help, it doesn’t take away the
physically and spiritually. stigma behind mental illnesses. 20 to 22 veterans commit suicide every single
Growing up, I was sexually assaulted multiple times and as the notorious day and yet we still feel ‘uncomfortable’ or make people feel uncomfortable
‘new girl’ I was bullied by several students throughout middle school and when they talk about their problems. So many of us suffer from battle
high school. Due to the multiple sexual assaults at the age of 6, I became very wounds called PTSD, depression, anxiety, etc. and yet changes aren’t made
promiscuous and was continuously judged and ridiculed by my family and because of the unfortunate invisibility of these wounds.
others; leaving me feeling out of place, confused and unworthy. Due to my As service members we hide our pain behind temporary satisfactions
depression and anxiety, I started self-harming and isolating at the age of 13. At because taking care of our mental health could not only target us as incapable
the age of 15, I attempted my first suicide due to years of continuous bullying, and unreliable in our work environment but it could affect future TDYs, PCS
verbal abuse and harassment from other students. Instead of seeking help, I locations and deployments. As service members, a lot of us feel helpless
kept it all inside because I did not feel like anyone would actively take the because we aren’t given the chance to ‘prove’ our stability. Instead, we are
proper routes of helping me on a personal level. I did not feel like I had a given codes and holds on our careers for a certain timeline and it is all based
purpose. I did not feel worthy. At that time in my life, I felt like there was on another service member’s personal judgment about our heart-wrenching
nothing left for me here. Before my senior year of high school, my family had and unique situations. We are treated like a checklist and the only way to get
JANUARY 2020
JANUARY 2020 45
Cover Feature | Aleen Johnson
out of the ‘mandatory’ leadership check ins... is have to ‘prove’ our sanity yet
again. On the 13th of July 2017, I attempted my second suicide. Throughout the
experience I felt numb, comforted by some, abandoned by others, scared and
relieved; all at the same time. I did not plan my suicide attempt and I cringe
when people assume there’s always signs and a ‘perfect plan’ because sometimes
you just snap.
We invest so much time into people that make us feel good in the moment
and then burn a hole into our souls. I was not meaningless but I was filling my
life with meaningless actions and temporary people. I snapped. Physical pain
was more appealing to me than getting help for my mental or emotional pain. I
never wanted to be anyone’s problem so I pleaded and I begged the person who
had pulled me away from the ledge. I begged them to let me jump. I screamed at
the top of my lungs in a burst of tears, “LET ME DIE! I WANT TO F*CKING
DIE, WHY WON’T YOU JUST LET ME DIE!?”
Within hours, I was driven to the ER asking everyone “why am I being
hospitalized? There’s nothing wrong with me!” I did not think that the situation
at hand was serious, because my life at that point, did not matter to me. I did not
matter to me. Within 24 hours I was checked in to Ft. Belvoir Psychiatric Center
and spent the next few days frustrated and once again isolated physically and
mentally.
Days later I stepped out of those hospital doors and I was embarrassed. I felt
like I had an arrow pointed down at me screaming “FAILURE!” - Failure at life,
failure at making others happy, failure at making myself happy and failure at
killing myself because I had no idea how I would ever recover from this. You go
from caring about too much to driving yourself into a state of mind where
nothing else matters. I cried every day until I built up the strength to say, “If I’m
going to live... it won’t be like this.” It took more than a week and it took more
than a month but I stopped lying to myself. I stopped allowing others to claim
my worth. It has not been easy, it is not easy, and I know it won’t get easier as the
years go by, but I don’t want it to be. I will say that being a high-functioning
individual with mental illnesses can be a blessing and a curse. We are expected
to ‘have it all together’ therefore we tell ourselves that not feeling anything at all;
pain or happiness is better than reliving our traumas, but I don’t believe that to
be true. You spend your whole life trying to build indestructible walls for your
‘house’ (life) so that no one can see your pain but you forget to build an
indestructible foundation and a reliable roof.
January of 2018 I began to use fitness as my outlet. I had never worked out
with a barbell in my life but I knew that I needed a change, I knew I needed to
make a change, and I was willing to take risks. During this time I was growing
my brand on Instagram and gained 60k followers in 6 months. I was not only
dedicated to my fitness and health but promoting body positivity and self-love
through my various photoshoots. At times I have not always received the
most supportive comments throughout this journey online but it hasn’t
stopped me. I’ve been called multiple names, I’ve been accused of selling porn
by others and I’ve received awful comments about my body, but one thing I
always remind myself is that only the insecure will judge you. They don’t love
themselves, they aren’t happy with themselves and therefore it will always be
easier for them to reflect their own personal judgments on someone else. Life
is not easy by any means, but if we learn, grow and accept the pain, the
wounds, and ourselves... we will begin to appreciate the beauty that is.
JANUARY 2020
The words you are searching are inside this book. To get more targeted content, please make full-text search by clicking here.
Discover the best professional documents and content resources in AnyFlip Document Base.
Search