16-Biblical Principles of Sexuality - pastorpauley.com

Biblical Principles of Sexuality

Proverbs 5:18-19 HCSB Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of your
youth. (19) A loving doe, a graceful fawn--let her breasts always satisfy you; be lost in her
love forever.

Frankly I have a problem with people who feel that they can dictate to God what He will
and will not say to them. They accept when God speaks to them of heaven and hell or sin
and salvation but they do not want to hear what He has to say on finances or human
sexuality.

I have a problem with those who are ok with God speaking as long as it is in the abstract.
I don’t understand why anyone would balk at practical, useful, and pointed information from
the Holy Spirit on ANY aspect of their lives.

I have a problem with those who are so prudish that they imply that they are holier than
God. They act as though He is making a faux-pas by dealing with the issue of sexuality and
they are filled with embarrassment on His behalf.

I have a problem with those who feel that they have nothing more to learn in the area of
human sexuality from the One who made them.

What are we…in Junior high? Is there some kind of valid reason why a group of Christian
adults can’t have a mature conversation on an issue that affects all of us, without sniggering
or recoiling in false modesty?

I especially have problem with those folk when definite practical steps are made to
ensure that the message is not overtly salacious and is directed to the appropriate audience.

Good sex
Sex is God-given. It is not intrinsically dirty. In fact, it was the very first command

Hashem gave us!
• Genesis 1:27-28 HCSB So God created man in His own image; He created him in the
image of God; He created them male and female. (28) God blessed them, and God
said to them, "Be fruitful, multiply, fill the earth, and subdue it. Rule the fish of the sea,
the birds of the sky, and every creature that crawls on the earth."

Healthy sex is married sex. Romance and God's gift of sexuality are highly
recommended within the commitment of marriage.

• Hebrews 13:4 HCSB Marriage must be respected by all, and the marriage bed kept
undefiled, because God will judge immoral people and adulterers.

• 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 HCSB A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and
likewise a wife to her husband. (4) A wife does not have authority over her own body,
but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body,
but his wife does.

Sex is for pleasure not just for procreation. Sex is a gift God gives to married people
for their mutual enjoyment.

• Proverbs 5:18-19 HCSB Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of
your youth. (19) A loving doe, a graceful fawn--let her breasts always satisfy you; be
lost in her love forever.

We’ll explore this further in a little bit.

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Sex is a pleasant duty. You need to fulfill your duty to your spouse. Your body also
belongs to your spouse.

• 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 HCSB A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and
likewise a wife to her husband. (4) A wife does not have authority over her own body,
but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body,
but his wife does. (5) Do not deprive one another--except when you agree, for a time,
to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may
tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Never use sex as a tool. Sex should never become a weapon. Do not use it to reward
behavior that you like. Do not withhold it in order to hurt your spouse. If you use sex as a
weapon, you will quickly discover that it is two-edged and cuts both ways. Withhold it often
enough and your spouse will lose interest in you and will develop a wandering eye. Use it
only to reinforce your selfish desires and your spouse will soon realize it and resent you.

Masturbation
Not withholding sex from your spouse would include the issue of masturbation. The word

is derived from the Latin masturbator, which means “one who defiles himself.” There has
always been a certain dark cachet attributed to masturbation, but I find it significant that
nowhere in the Scriptures do we find the practice explicitly prohibited. In fact, it’s not
really dealt with at all! This is remarkable considering the fact that it is 90% of all males
masturbate at some stage in their lives. By the age of 15, half of all women masturbate and
the percentage increases by the time they are 23 to 65%. Kinsey’s survey found that almost
40% of men and 30% of women in relationships masturbated.

Some may point out the story of Onan in Genesis 38 as an example of God’s view of the
matter. While it’s true that one of masturbation’s names is “onanism”, it is a misnomer
because Onan did not masturbate. Onan is not an example of masturbation. He was killed
for enjoying his brother’s wife without fulfilling his Levirate obligations. It may be a strange
story but it is certainly not related to masturbation.

Saying that masturbation is not mentioned in the Bible is not the same as saying there are
no guiding principles.

Masturbation is generally a self-indulgent act. The Bible says,
• 1 Corinthians 6:12 HCSB "Everything is permissible for me," but not everything is

helpful. "Everything is permissible for me," but I will not be brought under the control of
anything.
Masturbation is usually accompanied by erotic fantasy. The Bible says,
• Matthew 5:28 HCSB But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has
already committed adultery with her in his heart.
Looking with focused intensity on a woman (or a man for that matter, pari passu) in order
to sexually objectify is ethically the same as the sexual act. Why is that? It is because
whether we fantasize or actualize, the act is the same to our minds. It creates a synaptic
connection that, if repeated often enough, can become addictive.
On the other hand, masturbation can be a useful way of reducing sexual tension in
either sex when the normal sexuality of married life is unavailable due to work, military
service, illness, or the death of a spouse. So for instance, if a widow or widower, longing for
their deceased spouse and focusing their erotic fantasy upon their spouse, stimulate
themselves as a substitute and a means of preventing sexual sin, there is no ethical dilemma.
We are to hold the mystery of the faith with a clear conscience (1 Timothy 3:9).
Masturbation presents several significant pitfalls in that regard so I urge you, as an elder of
the church, to ensure that your love is one of fervent purity in Christ’s service (1 Peter 1:22).

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God designed sex to be part of the unique relationship of marriage. Refrain only by
mutual consent; for refraining can lead to temptation.

• 1 Corinthians 7:3-5 HCSB A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and
likewise a wife to her husband. (4) A wife does not have authority over her own body,
but her husband does. Equally, a husband does not have authority over his own body,
but his wife does. (5) Do not deprive one another--except when you agree, for a time,
to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may
tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

There are three basic principles concerning the enjoyment of sex in marriage are found
in 1 Corinthians 7:3-5.

• The principle of need: We are commanded to meet our mate's sexual needs.
• The principle of authority: When we marry, we actually relinquish the right to our

own body, and turn that authority over to our mate. The wife's body now belongs to the
husband. The husband's body now belongs to the wife. This means that we must love
our mate's body and care for it as our own.
• The principle of habit: We must not cheat our partner by abstaining from the habit of
sex, except by mutual consent for a brief time.

Teach yourself to find satisfaction in your spouse.
• Proverbs 5:18-20 HCSB Let your fountain be blessed, and take pleasure in the wife of

your youth. (19) A loving doe, a graceful fawn--let her breasts always satisfy you; be
lost in her love forever. (20) Why, my son, would you be infatuated with a forbidden
woman or embrace the breast of a stranger?
The words that are used here are not commentary on an existing condition. They are
written in the emphatic form: Let, Take, Be…all these are commands. Remember, what the
Scriptures command, we can accomplish. What the Scriptures forbid, we can control.
To keep from hurting ourselves, sexual desires and activities must be placed under
Christ's control.
• 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 HCSB For this is God's will, your sanctification: that you
abstain from sexual immorality, (4) so that each of you knows how to possess his
own vessel in sanctification and honor, (5) not with lustful desires, like the Gentiles
who don't know God.

Sexual Sin
Sexual sin is destructive, even when the effects are not immediately apparent.
• 1 Corinthians 6:18 HCSB Flee from sexual immorality! "Every sin a person can
commit is outside the body," but the person who is sexually immoral sins against his
own body.

Sexual sin usually begins in the mind, with what we see.
• Matthew 5:28 HCSB But I tell you, everyone who looks at a woman to lust for her has

already committed adultery with her in his heart.

Forbidden sexual practices
• Adultery (Exodus 20:14)
• Homosexuality and lesbianism (Genesis 19:4-5; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13; Judges
19:22; Romans 1:26-27; 1 Corinthians 6:9-11
• Incest (Leviticus 18:6)

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• Bestiality (Leviticus 18:23)
• Prostitution (1 Corinthians 6:15-20)
• Pornography (1 Corinthians 6:15-20 cp Matthew 5:28) The core principle in

prostitution is sex (whatever form it takes) for sale. Since looking with lust is the same
as committing the act, prostitution – sex for sale – would include pornography.

Are there sexual techniques that are not allowed even between married spouses?
Nowhere in the Bible is any sexual technique between married persons forbidden.

As we’ve seen, contrary to the opinions of some, the Bible isn’t against sex or the pleasures
that accompany sex. God is the author of sex, love, and the human body. His plan is for a
man and woman to enjoy the beautiful, sensuous intimacy found in the marriage relationship.

It was the Greek philosophers, not the Hebrew prophets, who taught that the material
realm was “evil.” Moses taught that God made His creation “good,” NOT evil (Genesis 1:31).

Even after the Fall, believers were commanded to delight in the goodness of the
physical (e.g. Proverbs 5:18-19; Ecclesiastes 5:18-20; 1 Timothy 4:1-5). Believers are not to
worship the physical realm and people will not find “meaning” in the physical realm. However,
we are commanded to enjoy all of God’s creation as long as it follows His principles of health.

One needs only to read Song of Solomon to discover a rather explicit and graphic
description of the sexual relationship in marriage. The Song of Songs is unashamedly
physical in its descriptions of romantic, sexual love between a groom and his bride. In
fact, it is so passionate in its portrayal of physical intimacy that a Jewish boy was forbidden to
read it until after age 13!

The Song contains many metaphors describing various actions relating to sexual arousal
and includes various Oriental euphemisms and double entendres. When God spoke of
personal aspects of sex in the Song of Songs, He could have used the slang terms; however,
they would tend to raise up our psychological censors. He could have used the medical
terms, but that would leave a feeling of “mechanics” and science and often a sense of
awkwardness. The Lord avoided both problems by using poetic symbolism. The writer used
romantic language and metaphors to describe an affectionate, romantic, sensuous, joyful,
and passionate love between husband and wife.

The following symbols are either evident from the context or are frequently used in other
Oriental poetic literature of the time.

• Song of Solomon 1:12 HCSB While the king is on his couch, my perfume releases its
fragrance.

“My perfume spread its fragrance” – The perfume is nard, or spikenard, a very expensive
perfume or ointment from a plant native to India. Origen, one of the great fathers of the early
church, observed that the actual spikenard plant emits its scent only when its hairy stem is
rubbed, thus hinting at some erotic connotations. So, seeing the king reclining on his couch
arouses her and causes the smell of her sexual arousal to waft through the room!

The book even speaks of lovers tasting and drinking of each other's bodies.
• Song of Solomon 2:3 HCSB Like an apricot tree among the trees of the forest, so is

my love among the young men. I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my
taste.
• Song of Solomon 2:16 HCSB My love is mine and I am his; he feeds among the lilies.
“Feeds among the lilies” – refers to kissing some tender part of each other’s bodies.
• Song of Solomon 2:17 HCSB Before the day breaks and the shadows flee, turn to me,
my love, and be like a gazelle or a young stag on the divided mountains.
The “divided mountains” is an allusion to her breasts. So, before morning breaks she
wants him to turn to her and wander and play with her breasts.

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“Shade,” “fruit,” “apple tree” – all ancient erotic symbols. Extra-biblical literature uses
“fruit” and “apples” as a symbol of the male genitals, indicating here an oral genital caress.

• Song of Solomon 4:16 HCSB Awaken, north wind--come, south wind. Blow on my
garden, and spread the fragrance of its spices. Let my love come to his garden and
eat its choicest fruits.

The Hebrew word (literally, “enter” or “come into”) is used frequently of sexual penetration
(Genesis 16:2 and 4).

• Song of Solomon 7:13 HCSB The mandrakes give off a fragrance, and at our doors is
every delicacy--new as well as old. I have treasured them up for you, my love.

The fleshy, forked root of the mandrake resembled the lower part of a human body and
was considered to be an aphrodisiac in the ancient world (Genesis 30:14-16).

We could go on and on, but you get the idea.
The Bible does teach us that love is not selfish and is patient (1 Corinthians 13:4-5).
Love also does not act improperly (1 Corinthians 13:5).
To apply this to the marriage relationship, while there are no forbidden sexual techniques
within marriage, do not demand something that makes your spouse uncomfortable. It
would certainly not be proper for one spouse to demand something in sex that is
uncomfortable for the other spouse.
At the same time, the reticent spouse should do what he/she can to meet the needs of
their spouse, even if it involves trying something new.

A. Be confident in each other’s love.
1. Be daring!
2. Be willing to:
a. try something new
b. explore
c. laugh at yourselves

In this area, patience and love must rule.

Sexual Advice
Make time for regular non-sexual holding. Women especially, but also men, need non-

sexual touching, massaging, cuddling, and holding. As a culture, we are somewhat touch-
deprived. When we try to satisfy our need for touch only through sex, we remain frustrated.
Allow times to just hold one another - mutually agreed-upon times which will not lead to sex.
When there is enough non-sexual touching, the sexual touching will be appreciated by itself,
rather than as a substitute for non-sexual touch.

Remember that making love starts many hours before the sexual act. It doesn't work
to be grumpy with your partner all day and then expect to make sublime love when going to
bed. Cultivate feelings of attraction by appreciating your partner all throughout the day, giving
little gifts of thoughtfulness, even helping each other with chores. Let it feel like you are
making love all day long, rather than merely a single act.

Love helps create magnificent sex. Sex does not necessarily create magnificent
love. Some people tend to use sex as the method to feel love. The sexual experience can be
a powerful way into the heart. When it is relied upon as the only way to intimate connection, it
becomes abused. The healthiest sex is preceded by intimacy: emotional sharing,
appreciation, spiritual connection. This is true romancing.

Slow down. It is well known that most women need extra time to open physically to
sexual feelings in her body. By the time most men are ready to climax, most women are
approximately two thirds of the way there, and often require more stimulation than only the
penis can provide. Less well known is that men, too, require that same extra amount of time

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to open to the non-physical sexual feelings, to deeply bond with his mate, to join with her in a
mutually-appreciated experience.

Even sometimes stop all movement. This is especially important for the man upon first
penetration with the penis, when excitation is at a high level. Experiment with entering all the
way and then holding still long enough to control some of the excitement. This will help
prevent premature ejaculation. Resume movement slowly, paying close attention to the need
to have both partners again stop all movement. Use these times of stillness to look into
each other's eyes.

Stay connected. Sexual excitement will tend to draw each of you into your own
experience, and away from one another. The deepest ecstasy results from staying
connected, rather than drifting apart into your own sensations and feelings. Eye contact is
very useful as a way to stay connected.

Communicate often during love-making. Why expect your partner to psychically intuit
your needs, desires, feelings, and thoughts or for you to do the same for your partner?
Verbal, and perhaps non-verbal, communication also helps maintain connectedness.
Especially important are words of love and appreciation, accompanied by direct eye-contact.

Find out what gives your partner the most pleasure. Don't just assume your partner
will enjoy something new or different. Be considerate and ask first. Likewise, let your partner
know what gives you the most pleasure.

Find ways to more deeply receive from your partner. Most of us tend toward "give-
aholism," giving as a way to cover up our inadequacy at receiving. Concentrate time on
letting in your partner's love and affection. Affirm your worthiness to be loved. Be a little
submissive in this way.

Sex doesn't end with the orgasm. It goes on for many more hours, sometimes even
days. Treat this period with respect. There is a heightened sense of vulnerability and
attunement to one another after making love. Stay connected. Touch, kiss, and hug one
another frequently. Keep up the flow of appreciation.

Make it sacred. Remember that sex is part of your spirituality. For too long humanity has
tried to separate sexuality from spirituality. It never works to compartmentalize life. Adonaic
life is holistic in this sense. We believe every aspect of life is connected to the greater whole
and the greater whole, being a sacrifice of praise to God, sanctifies every aspect of life. Sex
can be as holy as prayer. We can allow our bodies to become instruments of the highest
love. Ask the Spirit to enable you to be united on all levels: body, mind, emotions, and spirit.

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