LM-1362 - Course Reader

Material adapted for pedagogical purposes from https://howardcc.instructure.com (by Bonilla, M. ) • By this I mean… • This quote clearly shows that… • Therefore, this means that… • What I am saying is… • My point was not ____, but ____ • In other words, ________ • What _____ really means is ______ • My point is ______ • This demonstrates that ______ • Therefore _____ shows that ______ • By this I mean… • This quote clearly shows that… • Therefore, this means that… • What I am saying is… • My point was not ____, but ____ • Essentially, I am arguing that _____. • My point is not that we should _____, but that we should _____. • To put it another way, _______. • For example, _______. • ______, for instance, demonstrates _____. • Consider _____, for example. • To take a case in point, _____. • Even more important, ______. • But above all, _____. • Incidentally, ______. • My conclusion, then, is that _____. • In short, _______. The expressions above are also useful in persuasive communications (e.g., speeches and debates). In such cases the use of the pronoun “I” (or “we” when working in groups) would be acceptable. However, to use these expressions in academic writing, you would need to slightly change them to avoid the personal pronoun. 96

Sample essay 97

Golden Rings: The Old and Deadly Enemies Numerous ancestral traditions from Asian countries appeal to foreigners, yet most of the time, people do not know how these cultural practices begin or what implications they may have on citizens. For instance, on the borders of Thailand and the Republic of the Union of Myanmar, live—as war refugees—the members of the Kayan tribe. Women from this group are known worldwide as giraffe women because of their use of coil neck rings. For example, Foote (2014), a reporter of an online magazine of culture and tourism, states that “Kayan women wear the rings since childhood, starting with four or five and adding more annually” (para. 4). Interestingly, the coils do not lengthen the neck; they just create a visual effect. Still, in recent years, these women and their tradition have become greatly popular, attracting approximately 40, 000 tourists per year (see Foote, 2014). However, despite tourists’ fascination or curiosity towards this practice, the use of brass neck coils should be condemned rather than complimented. The first argument against the neck ring tradition is that ringed women are perceived as the main attraction of human tourism. Some people may disagree with this view by stating that because women constitute the main source of income, they are necessary for their village. In fact, those in favor of brass neck coils may refer to their condition as war refugees to try to justify such a practice, For instance, according to Zember (2008), a Kayan refugee, the situation regarding work in the tribe is the following: 98

The women of the village can only run stalls for tourists and weave scarves to sell. The men can do some carpentry for our community, but they are not allowed to work. My father collects empty beer cans and sells them to get money. The men feel shame because they have to live off the money the women earn, so many of them get drunk on rice wine because they have nothing to do. Farming is not possible as we have no land, but our culture is farming. (para. 8) This suggests that job opportunities are a few and that the members of the tribe, especially men, possess extremely limited options for acquiring money to survive, which may lead villagers to sell their culture as a commercial product. This would not be a problem if as part of the solution to the work situation women did not have to pose for photographs and ultimately be objectified for the sake of tourism. To illustrate, female villagers are exposed to degrading activities in order to bring food to their homes. Specifically, they participate in beauty contests and have long hours of photo sessions without resting. Mirante (1990), a journalist who works to defend the rights of indigenous populations, states that “when tourists complained about the Padaung women’s aloof attitude, the women were made to sing and play the guitar for the visitors” (para. 18). This implies that living in this seemingly oppressive way may be frustrating for women, for this ancient tradition has become a means to captivity. As a result, although Kayan people face problems finding a job, the use of neck rings should not constitute a synonym of human tourism, let alone a source of objectification for women. 99

Another reason to oppose brass neck coils is that this practice favors traditions at the expense of a dignified life. Unfortunately, some people may believe that this tradition must remain because it keeps ancient beliefs alive. For instance, like many communities around the world, the Kayans have different explanations for their customs. In the case of the use of neck rings, the villagers claim that their use was originally related to protection of the users. On this point, Theurer (2014) adds, “many reporters claim the custom began to protect women from tigers, which typically attack at the neck. Others say the rings would keep the slave traders from taking their women” (p. 53). It seems then that this tradition started as a way to dispel predators, which may seem a valid reason for the supporters of brass neck coils. Nonetheless, what may represent a justifiable tradition for some could represent an inhumane act for others as it prevents villagers generally and women specifically from fulfilling even the most basic needs. For instance, Theurer (2014) explains that “the Thai village officials have refused medical care, education, rightful wages, and technology to keep the camps as primitive as possible ...” (p. 51). It could be said then that this decision turns the neck ring custom into one of the most dangerous traditions in the world since it makes it impossible for Kayan women, for example, to have a healthy, humane life. The truth is that while the desire to maintain one’s traditions may seem reasonable, a culture could opt to remain intact without violating basic human rights. Indeed, to claim that neck rings dispel tigers or kidnappers does not provide an argument strong enough to justify the lack of medical help, making the use of brass neck coils an unnecessary tradition to keep. 100

The last argument against neck rings is that they are highly dangerous to the body. However, opponents of this belief are those who claim that brass neck coils are beautiful and that they give social status to those who wear them. To them, the rings are a need rather than a burden and, thus, continue defending their use. What is more, for some young women it is so important to use those rings that they cry if their parents cannot afford them. From their perspective, the longer the neck, the more beautiful the women (Theurer, 2014). The problem with such a view is not the use of jewels in and of itself, which in general have always had an economic and a social value all throughout. The issue arises when wearing these ornaments threatens a person's health. Brass neck coils, for instance, deform the body. In her personal blog, Binion (2015) explains: The neck muscles are stretched, yes, but the neck itself is not made any longer. The weight of the rings pushes down the collarbone and ribs to the point that the collarbone appears to be part of the neck. Obviously, this would not be very comfortable and would cause problems sleeping. Other health risks include blood clots, atrophied neck muscles, pain, infection, deformation of the bone structure, and blockage of the blood flow. (para. 4) With this in mind, the aesthetic aspect of the rings seems to have outweighed its detrimental effect on people’s health. Unfortunately, women, in their old age, will have to assimilate the pain of attempting simple tasks such as drinking from a straw. In addition, the lack of mobility in the neck muscles prevents these women from holding their heads on their own when they need to clean the rings. The bottom line is that if despite the health hazard, the use of brass neck coils is still 101

encouraged, it has turned into nothing else but a beauty canon and a social status symbol that has lost all its cultural value (if any). This alone should be enough reason to reject such a tradition. To conclude, people need to keep in mind that traditions will not always bring benefits to a given group of citizens. It is normal that as outsiders of Asian cultures, individuals may find exotic traditions interesting, being using brass neck coils of them. Notwithstanding, it takes a responsible citizen to analyze what this custom—among others—is about. When a tradition objectifies women, prevents human beings from obtaining medical help, and represents a danger to people’s health, it should not be praised but reprehended. Student sample by Mora, María Jose (II-2018)/Adapted by Bonilla, M. 102

Activity. One of the biggest problems in essay writing is relying on sources so much that the writer`s voice is almost absent from the text. To avoid this, a good exercise is to highlight the borrowed information. Doing so will give you a good visual representation of your voice. If there is too much highlighting, you might want to find a balance to ensure that readers can clearly see YOUR stance on a topic. You may achieve this by elaborating more (i.e., use metacommentaries) and/or reconsider the amount of borrowed information (i.e., stick to what is really relevant). With this is mind, do the following: - Read the sample essay Golden Rings: The Old and Deadly Enemies. Highlight (or underline) everything that represents borrowed information. In your opinion, is the writer’s voice enough? - Identify examples of metacommentaries. What expressions are being used to introduce them? More to ponder on: - What do all topic sentences have in common? - For all body paragraphs, identify all instances of incorporation of counterarguments and refutation. What are useful counterargument and refutation starters? - See the information that comes immediately after each topic sentence. What does it consist of? Is that so for all body paragraphs? - See the way sources are acknowledged in APA. What will you have to keep in mind to avoid confusion with MLA? - Circle all signal phrases and underline the reporting verbs. What other reporting verbs do you know? Created by Bonilla, M. 103

Outlining 104

DEVELOP A FIVE PARAGRAPH ESSAY Thesis adapted from The Longman Writer: Rhetoric, Reader, Handbook Example Outline I. Introductory Paragraph Opening Comments Children are no longer growing up with frequent walks to the ice cream store, shared floats at the local diner, or watching a drive-in film starring Carey Grant; they are not even growing up with After-School Specials, “Saved by the Bell” or “Super Mario Brothers.” Thesis Statement Because of violent video games, graphic music and movies, and increased pressure from peers and the media, being a parent today is much more difficult than it was a generation ago. Introductory Paragraph Introductions vary in length based on the paper’s length and purpose. 1. Avoid a stale or bland beginning that will lose your reader: “Throughout the history of our country there have been many great people.” Statements like these are too general and clichéd. Try to begin with a specific image or detail, a statistic, a shocking fact, a quote, a refutation of a common belief, etc. 2. Tell your reader something interesting about your topic and give them a little background. 3. Sum up what you will cover in this essay in one thesis statement that covers three or more broad areas of the topic (each of these areas will be covered in more detail in the paragraphs below). The thesis should be debatable and engage the reader to think about the topic in a new way. Do not explain; rather, critique and analyze. 105

Example Outline II. Body Paragraph 1 Topic Sentence (Gives an overview of the paragraph and relates back to the thesis) The many advances in technology and society may provide children with more activities; however, they also help to distract children from their studies, thus making it more difficult for a parent to keep children on task. A. Specific Detail or Example: Technology: music: stereos, radios, CD’s; television: esp. MTV; computer: internet, computer games Analysis of how these details relate to the topic sentence: Parents and kids struggle with homework because they are distracted by a computer, television, or radio that is in the house. B. Specific Detail or Example: Society: Malls, video arcades, fast food restaurants. Analysis of how these details relate to the topic sentence: Many children want to go out and socialize rather than do their homework, which can lead to more distractions and lower grades. First Body Paragraph Use transitions and bridging sentences or phrases to make sure this paragraph flows with the introduction. 1. Write a topic sentence explaining the first of the three areas included in your thesis. 2. Write two or more details or examples of this first topic. Examples provide evidence for your topic sentence and thesis statement; they consist of facts, details, statistics, personal observation, experience, and expert opinions. 3. Why are these examples important? Discuss what they mean to your overall idea. 106

Example Outline III. Body Paragraph 2 Topic Sentence (Gives an overview of the paragraph and relates back to the thesis) In addition to every-day distractions, parents must also be aware of the sexually explicit material that is found in the media and how their children are affected by it. A. Specific Detail or Example: In print: magazines and pornographic books B. Specific Detail or Example: In film: seduction scenes and casual sex C. Specific Detail or Example: On television: soap operas, R-rated comedians, R-rated movies on Cable D. Specific Detail or Example: On the Internet: easy-access adult chat rooms and websites Analysis of how these details relate to the topic sentence: The media is filled with misconceptions about sex and sexual relationships; parents have to make sure they inform their children about the fictitious, glamorized, and inappropriate representations of sex. Second Body Paragraph Use a smooth bridging sentence or phrase to help the paper flow together. 1. Write a topic sentence explaining the second of the three areas included in your thesis. This sentence should show how this second broad topic relates to the first topic in the paragraph above and to the paper’s thesis. 2. Now write two or more details or examples of this second topic. 3. Why are these examples important? Discuss what they mean to your overall idea. 107

Example Outline IV. Body Paragraph 3 Topic Sentence(Gives an overview of the paragraph and relates back to the thesis) Children can be exposed to other dangerous situations during their daily lives and/or through the media. A. Specific Detail or Example: Drugs: the media, news, and peer pressure A. Specific Detail or Example: Alcohol: the media, news, and peer pressure C. Specific Detail or Example: Violent crimes against children: news, media Analysis of how these details relate to the topic sentence: Because drug use, glamorized alcohol use, and violent crimes are increasing, parents must be aware of their children’s surroundings and influences in order to teach them how to handle possible scenarios. Third Body Paragraph Use a bridging or transition sentence or phrase. 1. Write a topic sentence explaining the third of the three areas included in your thesis. This sentence should show how this third broad topic relates to the second topic in the paragraph above and to the paper’s thesis. 2. Now write two or more details or examples of this third topic. 3. Why are these examples important? Discuss what they mean to your overall idea. 108

Example Outline V. Concluding Paragraph Revisiting Thesis: Technology and society can have a heavy impact on children’s lives, and therefore, on the roles of parents. Closing Remarks: Because of the increasing impact that society, the media, and advanced technology are having on children, parents’ tasks to adjust to these changes become more difficult. Concluding Paragraph Stay away from typical statements like “In summary” or “In conclusion.” 1. Avoid long conclusions and repetition; they will bore your reader. 2. Look over all your subtopics and examples, decide what they have in common, and write about it. 3. Do not introduce new material. Do not copy or repeat your thesis. Your conclusion is simply rounding off your topic. 4. Sum up what you want the reader to think about the topic and examples. You may end with a summary, quotation, statistic, or recommendation for action. 109

Activity. The outline samples below illustrate a topic and a sentence outline for the student essay Golden Rings: The Old and Deadly Enemies. Study them carefully using the questions below as a guide: 1. What format differences are there between them? (e.g., in terms of labels, roman numerals, capital letters, information contained in them, presentation of information, etc.) 2. What do the levels in each outline represent? 3. Which outline type are you more familiar with? 4. Which outline type is your instructor requesting? Topic outline Golden Rings: The Old and Deadly Enemies Thesis Statement: However, despite tourists’ fascination or curiosity towards this practice, the use of brass neck coils should be condemned rather than praised. I. Tourism A. Income B. Objectification II. Dignity A. Tradition B. Inhumanity III. Body A. Ornaments B. Threat Concluding statement: When a tradition objectifies women, prevents human beings from obtaining medical help, and represents a danger to their health, it should not be praised but reprehended. 110

Sentence outline Golden Rings: The Old and Deadly Enemies I. Introduction A. Numerous ancestral traditions appeal to foreigners, yet most of the time, people do not know how these cultural practices begin or what implications they may have on citizens. B. However, despite tourists´ fascination or curiosity towards this practice, the use of brass neck coils should be condemned rather than complimented. II. The first argument against the neck ring tradition is that ringed women are perceived as the main attraction of human tourism. A. This practice is a source of income. B. This practice objectifies women. III. Another reason to oppose brass neck coils is that this practice favors traditions at the expense of a dignified life. A. This practice keeps ancient beliefs alive. B. This practice prevents women from fulfilling the most basic needs. IV. The last argument against neck rings is that they are highly dangerous to the body. A. The rings are ornaments. B. The rings cause deformities. V. Conclusion A. When a tradition objectifies women, prevents human beings from obtaining medical help, and represents a danger to their health, it should not be praised but reprehended. B. People need to keep in mind that traditions will not always bring benefits to a given group of citizens. Created by Bonilla, M. 111

Academic writing fundamentals 112

112 Active verbs active 8 8 Prefer active verbs. As a rule, choose an active verb and pair it with a subject that names the person or thing doing the action. Active verbs express meaning more emphatically and vigorously than their weaker counterparts — forms of the verb be or verbs in the passive voice. PASSIVE Th e pumps were destroyed by a surge of power. BE VERB A surge of power was responsible for the destruction of the pumps. ACTIVE A surge of power destroyed the pumps. Verbs in the passive voice lack strength because their subjects receive the action instead of doing it. Forms of the verb be (be, am, is, are, was, were, being, been) lack vigor because they convey no action. Although passive verbs and the forms of be have legitimate uses, choose an active verb if it can carry your meaning. Even among active verbs, some are more active — and therefore more vigorous and colorful — than others. Carefully selected verbs can energize a piece of writing. ^ swept ^ hooked ▶▶ Th▶ e▶goalie▶crouched▶low,▶reached▶out▶his▶stick,▶and▶sent▶the rebound▶away▶from▶the▶mouth▶of▶the▶net. Academic English Although you may be tempted to avoid the passive voice completely, keep in mind that some writing situations call for it, especially scientifi c writing. For appropriate uses of the passive voice, see page 113; for advice about forming the passive voice, see 28b and 47c. 8a Use the active voice unless you have a good reason for choosing the passive. In the active voice, the subject does the action; in the passive voice, the subject receives the action (see also 47c). Although both voices are grammatically correct, the active voice is usually more eff ective because it is clearer and more direct. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 112 7/26/11 10:00 AM 113

active vs. passive • strong verbs • appropriate passive 8a 113 active ACTIVE Hernando caught the fly ball. PASSIVE The fly ball was caught by Hernando. Passive sentences often identify the actor in a by phrase, as in the preceding example. Sometimes, however, that phrase is omitted, and who or what is responsible for the action becomes unclear: The fly ball was caught. Most of the time, you will want to emphasize the actor, so you should use the active voice. To replace a passive verb with an active one, make the actor the subject of the sentence. ^ The settlers stripped the land of timber before realizing ▶▶ The land was stripped of timber before the settlers realized the consequences of their actions. The revision emphasizes the actors (settlers) by naming them in the subject. ^ The contractor removed the ▶▶ The debris was removed from the construction site. Sometimes the actor does not appear in a passive-voice sentence. To turn such a sentence into the active voice, the writer must determine an appropriate subject, in this case contractor. Appropriate uses of the passive The passive voice is appropriate if you wish to emphasize the receiver of the action or to minimize the importance of the actor. APPROPRIATE Many Hawaiians were forced to leave their homes PASSIVE after the earthquake. APPROPRIATE As the time for harvest approaches, the tobacco PASSIVE plants are sprayed with a chemical to retard the growth of suckers. The writer of the first sentence wished to emphasize the receiver of the action, Hawaiians. The writer of the second sentence wished to focus on the tobacco plants, not on the people spraying them. In much scientific writing, the passive voice properly emphasizes the experiment or process being described, not the researcher. Check with your instructor for the preference in your discipline. APPROPRIATE The solution was heated to the boiling point, and PASSIVE then it was reduced in volume by 50%. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 113 7/26/11 10:00 AM 114

active 114 8b Active verbs 8b Replace be verbs that result in dull or wordy sentences. Not every be verb needs replacing. The forms of be (be, am, is, are, was, were, being, been) work well when you want to link a subject to a noun that clearly renames it or to an adjective that describes it: Orchard House was the home of Louisa May Alcott. The harvest will be bountiful after the summer rains. And be verbs are essential as helping verbs before present participles (is flying, are disappearing) to express ongoing action: Derrick was fighting the fire when his wife went into labor. (See 27f.) If using a be verb makes a sentence needlessly dull and wordy, however, consider replacing it. Often a phrase following the verb will contain a noun or an adjective (such as violation, resistant) that suggests a more vigorous, active verb (violate, resist). ^ violate ▶▶ Burying nuclear waste in Antarctica would be in violation of an international treaty. Violate is less wordy and more vigorous than be in violation of. ^ resisted ▶▶ When Rosa Parks was resistant to giving up her seat on the bus, she became a civil rights hero. Resisted is stronger than was resistant to. 8c As a rule, choose a subject that names the person or thing doing the action. In weak, unemphatic prose, both the actor and the action may be buried in sentence elements other than the subject and the verb. In the following sentence, for example, both the actor and the action appear in prepositional phrases, word groups that do not receive much attention from readers. WEAK The institution of the New Deal had the effect of reversing some of the economic inequalities of the Great Depression. EMPHATIC The New Deal reversed some of the economic inequalities of the Great Depression. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 114 7/26/11 10:00 AM 115

115 active vs. am, is, are, was . . . • strong verbs • naming the actor 8c active Consider the subjects and verbs of the two versions—institution had versus New Deal reversed. The latter expresses the writer’s point more emphatically. ^ P ▶▶ The use of / pure oxygen can cause healing in wounds that are otherwise untreatable. In the original sentence, the subject and verb—use can cause—express the point blandly. Pure oxygen can heal makes the point more emphatically and directly. Exercise 8–1 Revise any weak, unemphatic sentences by replacing be verbs or passive verbs with active alternatives and, if necessary, by naming in the subject the person or thing doing the action. Some sentences are emphatic; do not change them. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: ^ The ranger doused the campfire before giving us The campfire was doused by the ranger before we were given a ticket for unauthorized use of a campsite. a. The Prussians were victorious over the Saxons in 1745. b. The entire operation is managed by Ahmed, the producer. c. The sea kayaks were expertly paddled by the tour guides. d. At the crack of rocket and mortar blasts, I jumped from the top bunk and landed on my buddy below, who was crawling on the floor looking for his boots. e. There were shouting protesters on the courthouse steps. 1. A strange sound was made in the willow tree by the monkey that had escaped from the zoo. 2. Her letter was in acknowledgment of the student’s participation in the literacy program. 3. The bomb bay doors rumbled open, and freezing air whipped through the plane. 4. The work of Paul Oakenfold and Sandra Collins was influential in my choice of music for my audition. 5. The only responsibility I was given by my parents was putting my little brother to bed when they had to work late. PRACTICE hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 8–2 to 8–5 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 115 7/26/11 10:00 AM 116

116 // 9 Parallelism 9 Balance parallel ideas. If two or more ideas are parallel, they are easier to grasp when expressed in parallel grammatical form. Single words should be balanced with single words, phrases with phrases, clauses with clauses. A kiss can be a comma, a question mark, or an exclamation point. — Mistinguett Th is novel is not to be tossed lightly aside, but to be hurled with great force. — Dorothy Parker In matters of principle, stand like a rock; in matters of taste, swim with the current. — Th omas Jeff erson Writers oft en use parallelism to create emphasis. (See p. 151.) 9a Balance parallel ideas in a series. Readers expect items in a series to appear in parallel grammatical form. When one or more of the items violate readers’ expectations, a sentence will be needlessly awkward. ▶▶ Children▶who▶study▶music▶also▶learn▶confi▶dence,▶discipline,▶ ^ creativity. and▶they▶are▶creative. Th e revision presents all the items in the series as nouns: confi dence, discipline, and creativity. ▶▶ Impressionist▶painters▶believed▶in▶focusing▶on▶ordinary▶subjects, ^ using capturing▶the▶eff▶ects▶of▶light▶on▶those▶subjects,▶and▶to▶use short▶brushstrokes. Th e revision uses -ing forms for all the items in the series: focusing, capturing, and using. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 116 7/26/11 10:00 AM 117

series • lists • paired ideas • and • either . . . or 9b 117 // ▶▶ Racing to get to work on time, Sam drove down the middle ^ ignored of the road, ran one red light, and two stop signs. The revision adds a verb to make the three items parallel: drove, ran, and ignored. In headings and lists, aim for as much parallelism as the content allows. (See 50b and 50c.) 9b Balance parallel ideas presented as pairs. When pairing ideas, underscore their connection by expressing them in similar grammatical form. Paired ideas are usually connected in one of these ways: • with a coordinating conjunction such as and, but, or or • with a pair of correlative conjunctions such as either . . . or or not only . . . but also • with a word introducing a comparison, usually than or as Parallel ideas linked with coordinating conjunctions Coordinating conjunctions (and, but, or, nor, for, so, and yet) link ideas of equal importance. When those ideas are closely parallel in content, they should be expressed in parallel grammatical form. ▶▶ Emily Dickinson’s poetry features the use of dashes and ^ the capitalization of capitalizing common words. The revision balances the nouns use and capitalization. ▶▶ Many states are reducing property taxes for home owners ^ extending and extend financial aid in the form of tax credits to renters. The revision balances the verb reducing with the verb extending. Parallel ideas linked with correlative conjunctions Correlative conjunctions come in pairs: either . . . or, neither . . . nor, not only . . . but also, both . . . and, whether . . . or. Make sure 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 117 7/26/11 10:00 AM 118

118 9c // Parallelism that the grammatical structure following the second half of the pair is the same as that following the first half. ▶▶ Thomas Edison was not only a prolific inventor but also was a successful entrepreneur. The words a prolific inventor follow not only, so a successful entrepreneur should follow but also. Repeating was creates an unbalanced effect. ^ to ▶▶ The clerk told me either to change my flight or take the train. To change my flight, which follows either, should be balanced with to take the train, which follows or. Comparisons linked with than or as In comparisons linked with than or as, the elements being compared should be expressed in parallel grammatical structure. ^ to ground ▶▶ It is easier to speak in abstractionsthan grounding one’sthoughts in reality. To speak is balanced with to ground. Comparisons should also be logical and complete. (See 10c.) 9c Repeat function words to clarify parallels. Function words such as prepositions (by, to) and subordinating conjunctions (that, because) signal the grammatical nature of the word groups to follow. Although you can sometimes omit them, be sure to include them whenever they signal parallel structures that readers might otherwise miss. ▶▶ Our study revealed that left-handed students were more likely ^ that to have trouble with classroom desks and rearranging desks for exam periods was useful. A second subordinating conjunction helps readers sort out the two parallel ideas: that left-handed students have trouble with classroom desks and that rearranging desks was useful. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 118 7/26/11 10:00 AM 119

119 comparisons • repeating words • by • to • that • needed words 10 add ExERCISE 9–1 Edit the following sentences to correct faulty parallelism. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: Rowena▶began▶her▶workday▶by▶pouring▶a▶cup▶of▶coff▶ee▶and ^ checking checked▶her▶e-mail. a. Police dogs are used for fi nding lost children, tracking criminals, and the detection of bombs and illegal drugs. b. Hannah told her rock-climbing partner that she bought a new harness and of her desire to climb Otter Cliff s. c. It is more diffi cult to sustain an exercise program than starting one. d. During basic training, I was not only told what to do but also what to think. e. Jan wanted to drive to the wine country or at least Sausalito. 1. Camp activities include fi shing trips, dance lessons, and computers. 2. Arriving at Lake Powell in a thunderstorm, the campers found it safer to remain in their cars than setting up their tents. 3. Th e streets were not only too steep but also were too narrow for anything other than pedestrian traffi c. 4. More digital artists in the show are from the South Shore than the North Shore. 5. To load her toolbox, Anika the Clown gathered hats of diff erent sizes, put in two tubes of face paint, arranged a bundle of extra-long straws, added a bag of colored balloons, and a battery-powered hair dryer. 10 Add needed words. Sometimes writers leave out words intentionally, and the meaning of the sentence is not aff ected. But leaving out words can occasionally cause confusion for readers or make the sentence ungrammatical. Readers need to see at a glance how the parts of a sentence are connected. PRACTICE hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 9–2 to 9–5 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 119 7/26/11 10:00 AM 120

120 add 10a Needed words MULTILINGUAL Languages sometimes diff er in the need for certain words. In particular, be alert for missing articles, verbs, subjects, or expletives. See 29, 30a, and 30b. 10a Add words needed to complete compound structures. In compound structures, words are oft en left out for economy: Tom is a man who means what he says and [who] says what he means. Such omissions are acceptable as long as the omitted words are common to both parts of the compound structure. If a sentence defi es grammar or idiom because an omitted word is not common to both parts of the compound structure, the simplest solution is to put the word back in. ▶▶ Successful▶advertisers▶target▶customers▶whom▶they▶identify ^ who through▶demographic▶research▶or▶have▶purchased▶their▶product in▶the▶past. Th e word who must be included because whom . . . have purchased is not grammatically correct. ^ accepted ▶▶ Mayor▶Davis▶never▶has▶and▶never▶will▶accept▶a▶bribe. Has . . . accept is not grammatically correct. ^ in ▶▶ Many▶South▶Pacifi▶c▶islanders▶still▶believe▶and▶live▶by▶ancient▶laws. Believe . . . by is not idiomatic in English. (For a list of common idioms, see 18d.) NOTE: Even when the omitted word is common to both parts of the compound structure, occasionally it must be inserted to avoid ambiguity. My favorite professor and mentor infl uenced my choice of a career. [Professor and mentor are the same person.] My favorite professor and my mentor infl uenced my choice of a career. [Professor and mentor are two diff erent people; my must be repeated.] 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 120 7/26/11 10:00 AM 121

compounds • who • that • comparisons 10c 121 add 10b Add the word that if there is any danger of misreading without it. If there is no danger of misreading, the word that may be omitted when it introduces a subordinate clause. The value of a principle is the number of things [that] it will explain. Occasionally, however, a sentence might be misread without that. ▶▶ In his famous obedience experiments, psychologist Stanley ^ that Milgram discovered ordinary people were willing to inflict physical pain on strangers. Milgram didn’t discover ordinary people; he discovered that ordinary people were willing to inflict pain on strangers. The word that tells readers to expect a clause, not just ordinary people, as the direct object of discovered. 10c Add words needed to make comparisons logical and complete. Comparisons should be made between items that are alike. To compare unlike items is illogical and distracting. ▶▶ The forests of North America are much more extensive than ^ those of Europe. Forests must be compared with forests, not with all of Europe. l ^ died ▶▶ The death rate of /infantry soldiers in the Vietnam War was ^ at a ^ rate much higher than the other combat troops. The death rate cannot logically be compared to troops. The writer could revise the sentence by inserting that of after than, but the preceding revision is more concise. ▶▶ Some say that Ella Fitzgerald’s renditions of Cole Porter’s ^ singer’s. songs are better than any other singer. Ella Fitzgerald’s renditions cannot logically be compared with a singer. The revision uses the possessive form singer’s, with the word renditions being implied. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 121 7/26/11 10:00 AM 122

122 10d add Needed words Sometimes the word other must be inserted to make a comparison logical. ^ other ▶▶ Jupiter is larger than any planet in our solar system. Jupiter is a planet, and it cannot be larger than itself. Sometimes the word as must be inserted to make a comparison grammatically complete. ^ as ▶▶ The city of Lowell is as old, if not older than, the neighboring city of Lawrence. The construction as old is not complete without a second as: as old as . . . the neighboring city of Lawrence. Comparisons should be complete enough to ensure clarity. The reader should understand what is being compared. INCOMPLETE Brand X is less salty. COMPLETE Brand X is less salty than Brand Y. Finally, comparisons should leave no ambiguity for readers. If more than one interpretation is possible, revise the sentence to state clearly which interpretation you intend. In the following ambiguous sentence, two interpretations are possible. AMBIGUOUS Ken helped me more than my roommate. CLEAR Ken helped me more than he helped my roommate. CLEAR Ken helped me more than my roommate did. 10d Add the articles a, an, and the where necessary for grammatical completeness. It is not always necessary to repeat articles with paired items: We bought a computer and printer. However, if one of the items requires a and the other requires an, both articles must be included. ^ an ▶▶ We bought a computer and antivirus program. Articles are sometimes omitted in recipes and other instructions that are meant to be followed while they are being 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 122 7/26/11 10:00 AM 123

123 comparisons • articles • a, an, the • avoiding mixed grammar mix 11 read. In nearly all other forms of writing, whether formal or informal, such omissions are inappropriate. MULTILINGUAL Choosing and using articles can be challenging for multi lingual writers. See 29. ExERCISE 10–1 Add any words needed for grammatical or logical completeness in the following sentences. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: ^ that Th▶ e▶offi▶▶cer▶feared▶the▶prisoner▶would▶escape. a. A grapefruit or orange is a good source of vitamin C. b. Th e women entering VMI can expect haircuts as short as the male cadets. c. Looking out the family room window, Sarah saw her favorite tree, which she had climbed as a child, was gone. d. Th e graphic designers are interested and knowledgeable about producing posters for the balloon race. e. Th e Great Barrier Reef is larger than any coral reef in the world. 1. Very few black doctors were allowed to serve in the Civil War, and their qualifi cations had to be higher than white doctors. 2. Rachel is interested and committed to working at a school in Ecuador next semester. 3. Vassily likes mathematics more than his teacher. 4. Th e inspection team saw many historic buildings had been damaged by the earthquake. 5. Lila knows seven languages, but she found English harder to learn than any language. 11 Untangle mixed constructions. A mixed construction contains sentence parts that do not sensibly fi t together. Th e mismatch may be a matter of grammar or of logic. PRACTICE hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 10–2 to 10–4 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 123 7/26/11 10:00 AM 124

124 11a mix Mixed constructions 11a Untangle the grammatical structure. Once you begin a sentence, your choices are limited by the range of grammatical patternsin English. (See 47 and 48.) You cannot begin with one grammatical plan and switch without warning to another. Often you must rethink the purpose of the sentence and revise. MIXED For most drivers who have a blood alcohol content of .05 percent double their risk of causing an accident. The writer begins the sentence with a long prepositional phrase and makes it the subject of the verb double. But a prepositional phrase can serve only as a modifier; it cannot be the subject of a sentence. REVISED For most drivers who have a blood alcohol content of .05 percent, the risk of causing an accident is doubled. REVISED Most drivers who have a blood alcohol content of .05 percent double their risk of causing an accident. In the first revision, the writer begins with the prepositional phrase and finishes the sentence with a proper subject and verb (risk . . . is doubled). In the second revision, the writer stays with the original verb (double) and heads into the sentence another way, making drivers the subject of double. ^ Electing ▶▶ When the country elects a president is the most important responsibility in a democracy. The adverb clause When the country elects a president cannot serve as the subject of the verb is. The revision replaces the adverb clause with a gerund phrase, a word group that can function as a subject. (See 48e and 48b.) ▶▶ Although the United States is one of the wealthiest nations in the world, but more than twelve million of our children live in poverty. The coordinating conjunction but cannot link a subordinate clause (Although the United States . . .) with an independent clause (more than twelve million of our children live in poverty). 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 124 7/26/11 10:00 AM 125

125 avoiding mixed grammar • logic • revising awkward sentences mix 11b Occasionally a mixed construction is so tangled that it defi es grammatical analysis. When this happens, back away from the sentence, rethink what you want to say, and then rewrite the sentence. MIxED In the whole-word method, children learn to recognize entire words rather than by the phonics method in which they learn to sound out letters and groups of letters. REVISED Th e whole-word method teaches children to recognize entire words; the phonics method teaches them to sound out letters and groups of letters. MULTILINGUAL English does not allow double subjects, nor does it allow an object or an adverb to be repeated in an adjective clause. Unlike some other languages, English does not allow a noun and a pronoun to be repeated in a sentence if they have the same grammatical function. See 30c and 30d. ▶ My▶father▶he▶moved▶to▶Peru▶before▶he▶met▶my▶mother. ^ the fi nal exam ▶ Th▶ e▶fi▶nal▶exam▶I▶should▶really▶study▶for▶it▶to▶pass▶the ▶ course. 11b Straighten out the logical connections. Th e subject and the predicate (the verb and its modifi ers) should make sense together; when they don’t, the error is known as faulty predication. ^ Tiffany ▶ We▶decided▶that▶Tiff▶any’s▶welfare▶would▶not▶be▶safe▶living▶with her▶mother. Tiff any, not her welfare, may not be safe. ^ double personal exemption for the ▶ Under▶the▶revised▶plan,▶the▶elderly/,▶who▶now▶receive▶a▶double personal▶exemption,▶will▶be▶abolished. Th e exemption, not the elderly, will be abolished. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 125 7/26/11 10:00 AM 126

126 11c mix Mixed constructions An appositive is a noun that renames a nearby noun. When an appositive and the noun it renames are not logically equivalent, the error is known as faulty apposition. (See 48c.) ^ Tax accounting, ▶▶ The tax accountant, a very lucrative profession, requires intelligence, patience, and attention to mathematical detail. The tax accountant is a person, not a profession. 11c Avoid is when, is where, and reason . . . is because constructions. In formal English, readers sometimes object to is when, is where, and reason . . . is because constructions on grammatical or logical grounds. ▶▶ The reason the experiment failed is because conditions in the lab were not sterile. Grammatically, the verb is should not be followed by an adverb clause beginning with because. (See 62b and 62e.) The writer might have changed because to that (The reason the experiment failed is that conditions in the lab were not sterile), but the preceding revision is more concise. ^ a disorder suffered by people who ▶▶ Anorexia nervosa is where people think they are too fat and diet to the point of starvation. Where refers to places. Anorexia nervosa is a disorder, not a place. Exercise 11–1 Edit the following sentences to untangle mixed constructions. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: ^ Taking By taking the oath of allegiance made Ling a US citizen. a. Using surgical gloves is a precaution now worn by dentists to prevent contact with patients’ blood and saliva. practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 11–2 to 11–4 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 126 7/26/11 10:00 AM 127

127 mm/dm 12a appositives • is when • is where • reason . . . is because • modifi ers • only • hardly b. A physician, the career my brother is pursuing, requires at least ten years of challenging work. c. Th e reason the pharaohs had bad teeth was because tiny particles of sand found their way into Egyptian bread. d. Recurring bouts of fl u among team members set a record for number of games forfeited. e. In this box contains the key to your future. 1. Early diagnosis of prostate cancer is oft en curable. 2. Depending on our method of travel and our destination determines how many suitcases we are allowed to pack. 3. Dyslexia is where people have a learning disorder that impairs reading ability. 4. Even though Ellen had heard French spoken all her life, yet she could not speak it. 5. In understanding artifi cial intelligence code is a critical skill for computer game designers. Repair misplaced and dangling 12 modifi ers. Modifi ers, whether they are single words, phrases, or clauses, should point clearly to the words they modify. As a rule, related words should be kept together. 12a Put limiting modifi ers in front of the words they modify. Limiting modifi ers such as only, even, almost, nearly, and just should appear in front of a verb only if they modify the verb: At fi rst, I couldn’t even touch my toes, much less grasp them. If they limit the meaning of some other word in the sentence, they should be placed in front of that word. ▶▶ St.▶Vitus▶Cathedral,▶commissioned▶by▶Charles▶IV▶in▶the▶mid- ^ almost fourteenth▶century,▶almost▶took▶six▶centuries▶to▶complete. Almost limits the meaning of six centuries, not took. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 127 7/26/11 10:00 AM 128

128 12b mm/dm Misplaced and dangling modifiers ^ just ▶▶ If you just interview chemistry majors, your picture of the student body’s response to the new grading policies will be incomplete. The adverb just limits the meaning of chemistry majors, not interview. When the limiting modifier not is misplaced, the sentence usually suggests a meaning the writer did not intend. ^ not ▶▶ In the United States in 1860, all black southerners were not slaves. The original sentence says that no black southerners were slaves. The revision makes the writer’s real meaning clear: Some (but not all) black southerners were slaves. 12b Place phrases and clauses so that readers can see at a glance what they modify. Although phrases and clauses can appear at some distance from the words they modify, you will want to make sure your meaning is clear. When phrases or clauses are oddly placed, absurd misreadings can result. MISPLACED The soccer player returned to the clinic where he had undergone emergency surgery in 2004 in a limousine sent by Adidas. REVISED Traveling in a limousine sent by Adidas, the soccer player returned to the clinic where he had undergone emergency surgery in 2004. The revision corrects the false impression that the soccer player underwent emergency surgery in a limousine. ^ On the walls ▶ There are many pictures of comedians who have performed ^ at Gavin’s. on the walls. The comedians weren’t performing on the walls; the pictures were on the walls. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 128 7/26/11 10:00 AM 129

12c 129 mm/dm misplaced • squinting • separating subject and verb ^ 170-pound, ▶▶ Th▶ e▶robber▶was▶described▶as▶a▶six-foot-tall▶man▶with▶a▶heavy ^ mustache. weighing▶170▶pounds. Th e robber, not the mustache, weighed 170 pounds. Occasionally the placement of a modifi er leads to an ambiguity — a squinting modifi er. In such a case, two revisions will be possible, depending on the writer’s intended meaning. AMBIGUOUS Th e exchange students we met for coff ee occasionally questioned us about our latest slang. CLEAR Th e exchange students we occasionally met for coff ee questioned us about our latest slang. CLEAR Th e exchange students we met for coff ee questioned us occasionally about our latest slang. In the original version, it was not clear whether the meeting or the questioning happened occasionally. Both revisions eliminate the ambiguity. 12c Move awkwardly placed modifi ers. As a rule, a sentence should fl ow from subject to verb to object, without lengthy detours along the way. When a long adverbial word group separates a subject from its verb, a verb from its object, or a helping verb from its main verb, the result is oft en awkward. ^ A Ho ^ ng Kong ▶▶ Hong▶Kong,▶/ aft▶er▶more▶than▶150▶years▶of▶British▶rule,▶was transferred▶back▶to▶Chinese▶control▶in▶1997. Th ere is no reason to separate the subject, Hong Kong, from the verb, was transferred, with a long phrase. MULTILINGUAL English does not allow an adverb to appear between a verb and its object. See 30f. ^ easily ▶▶ Yolanda▶lift▶ed▶easily▶the▶fi▶ft▶y-pound▶weight. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 129 7/26/11 10:00 AM 130

130 12d mm/dm Misplaced and dangling modifiers 12d Avoid split infinitives when they are awkward. An infinitive consists of to plus the base form of a verb: to think, to breathe, to dance. When a modifier appears between to and the verb, an infinitive is said to be “split”: to carefully balance, to completely understand. When a long word or a phrase appears between the parts of the infinitive, the result is usually awkward. ^ If possible, the ▶▶ The patient should try to if possible avoid going up and down stairs. Attempts to avoid split infinitives can result in equally awkward sentences. When alternative phrasing sounds unnatural, most experts allow—and even encourage—splitting the infinitive. AWKWARD We decided actually to enforce the law. BETTER We decided to actually enforce the law. At times, neither the split infinitive nor its alternative sounds particularly awkward. In such situations, it is usually better not to split the infinitive, especially in formal writing. ▶▶ Nursing students learn to accurately record a patient’s vital ^ accurately. signs/. Exercise 12–1 Edit the following sentences to correct misplaced or awkwardly placed modifiers. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: ^ in a telephone s ^ urvey Answering questions can be annoying. in a telephone survey. a. More research is needed to effectively evaluate the risks posed by volcanoes in the Pacific Northwest. b. Many students graduate with debt from college totaling more than fifty thousand dollars. practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 12–3 to 12–5 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 130 7/26/11 10:00 AM 131

12e 131 mm/dm split infinitive (to quickly go) • finding dangling modifiers c. It is a myth that humans only use 10 percent of their brains. d. A coolhunter is a person who can find in the unnoticed corners of modern society the next wave of fashion. e. All geese do not fly beyond Narragansett for the winter. 1. The flood nearly displaced half of the city’s residents, who packed into several overcrowded shelters. 2. Most lions at night hunt for medium-size prey, such as zebra. 3. Several recent studies have encouraged heart patients to more carefully watch their cholesterol levels. 4. The garden’s centerpiece is a huge sculpture that was carved by three women called Walking in Place. 5. The old Marlboro ads depicted a man on a horse smoking a cigarette. 12e Repair dangling modifiers. A dangling modifier fails to refer logically to any word in the sentence. Dangling modifiers are easy to repair, but they can be hard to recognize, especially in your own writing. Recognizing dangling modifiers Dangling modifiers are usuallyword groups(such as verbal phrases) that suggest but do not name an actor. When a sentence opens with such a modifier,readers expect the subject of the next clause to name the actor. If it doesn’t, the modifier dangles. ▶▶ Understanding the need to create checks and balances on power, ^ the framers of the Constitution divided the government into three branches. The framers of the Constitution (not the document itself) understood the need for checks and balances. women h ^ ave often been denied ▶▶ After completing seminary training, women’s access to the ^ priesthood. has often been denied. Women (not their access to the priesthood) complete the training. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 131 7/26/11 10:00 AM 132

132 12e mm/dm Misplaced and dangling modifiers The following sentences illustrate four common kinds of dangling modifiers. DANGLING Deciding to join the navy, the recruiter enthusiastically pumped Joe’s hand. [Participial phrase] DANGLING Upon entering the doctor’s office, a skeleton caught my attention. [Preposition followed by a gerund phrase] DANGLING To satisfy her mother, the piano had to be practiced every day. [Infinitive phrase] DANGLING Though not eligible for the clinical trial, the doctor was willing to prescribe the drug for Ethan on compassionate grounds. [Elliptical clause with an understood subject and verb] These dangling modifiers falsely suggest that the recruiter decided to join the navy, that the skeleton entered the doctor’s office, that the piano intended to satisfy the mother, and that the doctor was not eligible for the clinical trial. Although most readers will understand the writer’s intended meaning in such sentences, the inadvertent humor can be distracting. Repairing dangling modifiers To repair a dangling modifier, you can revise the sentence in one of two ways: • Name the actor in the subject of the sentence. • Name the actor in the modifier. Depending on your sentence, one of these revision strategies may be more appropriate than the other. ACTOR NAMED IN SUBJECT ^ I noticed ^ ▶▶ Upon entering the doctor’s office, a skeleton. caught my attention. ^ Jing-mei had to practice ▶▶ To satisfy her mother, the piano had to be practiced every day. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 132 7/26/11 10:00 AM 133

12e 133 mm/dm finding dangling modifiers • fixing dangling modifiers • checking for dangling modifiers ACTOR NAMED IN MODIFIER ^ When Joe decided ▶▶ Deciding to join the navy, the recruiter enthusiastically ^ his pumped Joe’s hand. ^ Ethan was ▶▶ Though not eligible for the clinical trial, the doctor was ^ him willing to prescribe the drug for Ethan on compassionate grounds. NOTE: You cannot repair a dangling modifier just by moving it. Consider, for example, the sentence about the skeleton. If you put themodifier atthe endofthe sentence (A skeleton caught my attention upon entering the doctor’s office), you are still suggesting— absurdly, of course—that the skeleton entered the office. The only Checking for dangling modifiers Does an opening phrase suggest an action without naming the actor? No problem No problem Does the subject of the sentence name the actor? Revise the dangling modifier. NO YES YES NO 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 133 7/26/11 10:00 AM 134

134 12e mm/dm Misplaced and dangling modifiers way to avoid the problem isto put theword I in the sentence, either as the subject or in the modifier. ^ I noticed ^ ▶▶ Upon entering the doctor’s office, a skeleton. caught my attention. ^ As I entered ▶▶ Upon entering the doctor’s office, a skeleton caught my attention. Exercise 12–2 Edit the following sentences to correct dangling modifiers. Most sentences can be revised in more than one way. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: a s ^ tudent must comple ^ te To acquire a degree in almost any field, two science courses. must be completed. a. Though only sixteen, UCLA accepted Martha’s application. b. To replace the gear mechanism, attached is a form to order the part by mail. c. Settled in the cockpit, the pounding of the engine was muffled only slightly by my helmet. d. After studying polymer chemistry, computer games seemed less complex to Phuong. e. When a young man, my mother enrolled me in tap dance classes. 1. While working as a ranger in Everglades National Park, a Florida panther crossed the road in front of my truck one night. 2. By following the new recycling procedure, the city’s landfill costs will be reduced significantly. 3. Serving as president of the missionary circle, one of Sophia’s duties is to raise money for the church. 4. After buying an album by Ali Farka Toure, the rich and rolling rhythms of Malian music made more sense to Silas. 5. Opening the window to let out a huge bumblebee, the car swerved into an oncoming truck. practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 12–6 to 12–8 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 134 7/26/11 10:00 AM 135

13a 135 shift shifts • point of view • I, you, he • number 13 Eliminate distracting shifts. Th e following sections can help you avoid unnecessary shift s that might distract or confuse your readers: shift s in point of view, in verb tense, in mood or voice, or from indirect to direct questions or quotations. 13a Make the point of view consistent in person and number. Th e point of view of a piece of writing is the perspective from which it is written: fi rst person (I or we), second person ( you), or third person (he, she, it, one, they, or any noun). Th e I (or we) point of view, which emphasizes the writer, is a good choice for informal letters and writing based primarily on personal experience. Th e you point of view, which emphasizes the reader, works well for giving advice or explaining how to do something. Th e third-person point of view, which emphasizes the subject, is appropriate in formal academic and professional writing. Writers who are having diffi culty settling on an appropriate point of view sometimes shift confusingly from one to another. Th e solution is to choose a suitable perspective and then stay with it. ▶▶ Our▶class▶practiced▶rescuing▶a▶victim▶trapped▶in▶a▶wrecked▶car.▶ ^ We We▶learned▶to▶dismantle▶the▶car▶with▶the▶essential▶tools.▶You ^ our ^ our were▶graded▶on▶your▶speed▶and▶your▶skill▶in▶freeing▶the▶victim. Th e writer should have stayed with the we point of view. You is inappropriate because the writer is not addressing readers directly. You should not be used in a vague sense meaning “anyone.” (See 23d.) ^ You need ▶▶ One▶needs▶a▶password▶and▶a▶credit▶card▶number▶to▶access▶the database.▶You▶will▶be▶billed▶at▶an▶hourly▶rate. You is an appropriate choice because the writer is giving advice directly to readers. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 135 7/26/11 10:00 AM 136

136 13b shift Shifts EXERCISE 13–1 Edit the following paragraph to eliminate distracting shifts in point of view (person and number). When online dating first became available, many people thought that it would simplify romance. We believed that you could type in a list of criteria—sense of humor, college education, green eyes, good job—and a database would select the perfect mate. Thousands of people signed up for services and filled out their profiles, confident that true love was only a few mouse clicks away. As it turns out, however, virtual dating is no easier than traditional dating. I still have to contact the people I find, exchange e-mails and phone calls, and meet him in the real world. Although a database might produce a list of possibilities and screen out obviously undesirable people, you can’t predict chemistry. More often than not, people who seem perfect online just don’t click in person. Electronic services do help a single person expand their pool of potential dates, but it’s no substitute for the hard work of romance. 13b Maintain consistent verb tenses. Consistent verb tenses clearly establish the time of the actions being described. When a passage begins in one tense and then shifts without warning and for no reason to another, readers are distracted and confused. ▶▶ There was no way I could fight the current and win. Just as I ^ jumped was losing hope, a stranger jumps off a passing boat and ^ swam swims toward me. The writer thought that the present tense (jumps, swims) would convey immediacy and drama. But having begun in the past tense (could fight, was losing), the writer should follow through in the past tense. Writers often encounter difficulty with verb tenses when writing about literature. Because fictional events occur outside the time frames of real life, the past tense and the present tense may seem equally appropriate. The literary convention, however, practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 13–5, 13–8, and 13–9 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 136 7/26/11 10:00 AM 137

13c 137 shift point of view • consistent tense • consistent mood and voice is to describe fictional events consistently in the present tense. (See 69b.) ▶▶ The scarlet letter is a punishment sternly placed on Hester’s ^ is breast by the community, and yet it was a fanciful and imaginative product of Hester’s own needlework. EXERCISE 13–2 Edit the following paragraphs to eliminate distracting shifts in tense. The English colonists who settled in Massachusetts received assistance at first from the local Indian tribes, but by 1675 there had been friction between the English and the Indians for many years. On June 20 of that year, Metacomet, whom the colonists called Philip, leads the Wampanoag tribe in the first of a series of attacks on the colonial settlements. The war, known today as King Philip’s War, rages on for more than a year and leaves three thousand Indians and six hundred colonists dead. Metacomet’s attempt to retain power in his native land failed. Finally he too is killed, and the victorious colonists sell his wife and children into slavery. The Indians did not leave records of their encounters with the English settlers, but the settlers recorded some of their experiences at the hands of the Indians. One of the few accounts to survive was written by a captured colonist, Mrs. Mary Rowlandson. She is a minister’s wife who is kidnapped by an Indian war party and held captive for eleven weeks in 1676. Her history, A Narrative of the Captivity and Restoration of Mrs. Mary Rowlandson, tells the story of her experiences with the Wampanoags. Although it did not paint a completely balanced picture of the Indians, Rowlandson’s narrative, which is considered a classic early American text, showed its author to be a keen observer of life in an Indian camp. 13c Make verbs consistent in mood and voice. Unnecessary shifts in the mood of a verb can be distracting and confusing to readers. There are three moods in English: the practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 13–6, 13–8, and 13–9 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 137 7/26/11 10:00 AM 138

138 shift 13d Shifts indicative, used for facts, opinions, and questions; the imperative, used for orders or advice; and the subjunctive, used in certain contexts to express wishes or conditions contrary to fact (see 27g). The following passage shifts confusingly from the indicative to the imperative mood. ▶▶ The counselor advised us to spread out our core requirements ^ She also suggested that we over two or three semesters. Also, pay attention to prerequisites for elective courses. The writer began by reporting the counselor’s advice in the indicative mood (counselor advised) and switched to the imperative mood ( pay attention); the revision puts both sentences in the indicative. A verb may be in either the active voice (with the subject doing the action) or the passive voice (with the subject receiving the action). (See 8a.) If a writer shifts without warning from one to the other, readers may be left wondering why. ^ gives it ▶▶ Each student completes a self-assessment/., The self-assessment ^ ^ exchanges is then given to the teacher, and a copy is exchanged with a classmate. Because the passage began in the active voice (student completes) and then switched to the passive (self-assessment is given, copy is exchanged), readers are left wondering who gives the self-assessment to the teacher and the classmate. The active voice, which is clearer and more direct, leaves no ambiguity. 13d Avoid sudden shifts from indirect to direct questions or quotations. An indirect question reports a question without asking it: We asked whether we could visit Miriam. A direct question asks directly: Can we visit Miriam? Sudden shifts from indirect to direct questions are awkward. In addition,sentences containing such shifts are impossible to punctuate because indirect questions must end with a period and direct questions must endwith a question mark.(See 38b.) 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 138 7/26/11 10:00 AM 139

13d 139 shift consistent mood and voice • direct/indirect questions and quotations ▶▶ I wonder whether Karla knew of the theft and, if so, did ^ whether she reported ^ she report it to the police/ ?. The revision poses both questions indirectly. The writer could also ask both questions directly: Did Karla know of the theft, and, if so, did she report it to the police? An indirect quotation reports someone’s words without quoting word for word: Annabelle said that she is a Virgo. A direct quotation presents the exact words of a speaker or writer, set off with quotation marks: Annabelle said, “I am a Virgo.” Unannounced shiftsfrom indirect to direct quotations are distracting and confusing, especially when the writer fails to insert the necessary quotation marks, as in the following example. ▶▶ The patient said she had been experiencing heart palpitations ^ asked me to ^ was and please run as many tests as possible to find out what’s wrong. The revision reports the patient’s words indirectly. The writer also could quote the words directly: The patient said, “I have been experiencing heart palpitations. Please run as many tests as possible to find out what’s wrong.” EXERCISE 13–3 Edit the following sentences to make the verbs consistent in mood and voice and to eliminate distracting shifts from indirect to direct questions or quotations. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: As a public relations intern, I wrote press releases, managed ^ fielded all phone calls. the Web site, and all phone calls were fielded by me. a. An incredibly talented musician, Ray Charles mastered R&B, soul, and gospel styles. Even country music was performed well by him. b. Environmentalists point out that shrimp farming in Southeast Asia is polluting water and making farmlands useless. They warn that action must be taken by governments before it is too late. c. The samples were observed for five days before we detected any growth. practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 13–7 to 13–9 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 139 7/26/11 10:00 AM 140

140 13d Shifts shift d. In his famous soliloquy, Hamlet contemplates whether death would be preferable to his difficult life and, if so, is he capable of committing suicide? e. The lawyer told the judge that Miranda Hale was innocent and allow her to prove the allegations false. 1. When the photographs were taken on the beach at sunset, I intentionally left the foreground out of focus. 2. If the warning sirens sound, evacuate at once. It is not advised that you return to the building until the alarm has stopped. 3. Most baby products warn parents to follow all directions carefully. Also, supervise children closely during use. 4. The advertisement promised that results would be seen in five days or consumers could return the product for a full refund. 5. Investigators need to determine first whether there was a forcible entry and then what was the motive? EXERCISE 13–4 Edit the following sentences to eliminate distracting shifts. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: For many first-year engineering students, adjusting to a ^ they rigorous course load can be so challenging that you sometimes feel overwhelmed. a. A courtroom lawyer has more than a touch of theater in their blood. b. The interviewer asked if we had brought our proof of citizenship and did we bring our passports? c. The reconnaissance scout often has to make fast decisions and use sophisticated equipment to keep their team from being detected. d. After the animators finish their scenes, the production designer arranges the clips according to the storyboard. Synchronization notes must also be made for the sound editor and the composer. e. Madame Defarge is a sinister figure in Dickens’s A Tale of Two Cities. On a symbolic level, she represents fate; like the Greek Fates, she knitted the fabric of individual destiny. 1. Everyone should protect yourself from the sun, especially on the first day of extensive exposure. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 140 7/26/11 10:00 AM 141

14a 141 emph equal ideas • minor ideas 2. Our neighbors told us that the island was being evacuated because of the coming storm. Also, take the northern route to the mainland. 3. Rescue workers put water on her face and lift ed her head gently onto a pillow. Finally, she opens her eyes. 4. In my fi rst tai chi class, the instructor asked if I had ever done yoga stretches and did I have good balance? 5. Th e artist has oft en been seen as a threat to society, especially when they refuse to conform to conventional standards of taste. 14 Emphasize key ideas. Within each sentence, emphasize your point by expressing it in the subject and verb of an independent clause, the words that receive the most attention from readers (see 14a–14e). Within longer stretches of prose, you can draw attention to ideas deserving special emphasis by using a variety of techniques, oft en involving an unusual twist or some element of surprise (see 14f ). 14a Coordinate equal ideas; subordinate minor ideas. When combining two or more ideas in one sentence, you have two choices: coordination or subordination. Choose coordination to indicate that the ideas are equal or nearly equal in importance. Choose subordination to indicate that one idea is less important than another. Coordination Coordination draws attention equally to two or more ideas. To coordinate single words or phrases, join them with a coordinating conjunction or with a pair of correlative conjunctions: bananas and strawberries; not only a lackluster plot but also inferior acting (see 46g). To coordinate independent clauses — word groups that express a complete thought and that can stand alone as a sentence — join 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 141 7/26/11 10:00 AM 142

142 Emphasis (coordination and subordination) emph 14a them with a comma and a coordinating conjunction or with a semicolon: , and , but , or , nor , for , so , yet ; The semicolon is often accompanied by a conjunctive adverb such as moreover, furthermore, therefore, or however or by a transitional phrase such as for example, in other words, or as a matter of fact. (For a longer list, see p. 143.) Assume, for example, that your intention is to draw equal attention to the following two ideas. Social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world. They do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction. To coordinate these ideas, you can join them with a comma and the coordinating conjunction but or with a semicolon and the conjunctive adverb however. Social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world, but they do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction. Social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world; however, they do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction. It is important to choose a coordinating conjunction or conjunctive adverb appropriate to your meaning. In the preceding example, the two ideas contrast with each other, calling for but or however. (For specific coordination strategies, see the chart on p. 143.) Subordination To give unequal emphasis to two or more ideas, express the major idea in an independent clause and place any minor ideas in subordinate clauses or phrases. (For specific subordination strategies, see the chart on p. 144.) Let your intended meaning determine which idea you emphasize. Consider the two ideas about social networking Web sites. Social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world. They do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 142 7/26/11 10:00 AM 143

14a 143 emph minor ideas • combining equal ideas If your purpose is to stress the ways that people can connect in the virtual world rather than the limitations of these connections, subordinate the idea about the limitations. Although they do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction, social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world. To focus on the limitations of the virtual world, subordinate the idea about the Web sites. Although social networking Web sites offer ways for people to connect in the virtual world, they do not replace face-to-face forms of social interaction. Using coordination to combine sentences of equal importance 1. Consider using a comma and a coordinating conjunction. (See 32a.) , and , but , or , nor , for , so , yet ▶▶ In Orthodox Jewish funeral ceremonies, the shroud is a simple linen ^ and the vestment/., The coffin is plain wood. 2. Consider using a semicolon with a conjunctive adverb or transitional phrase. (See 34b.) also however next as a result in addition now besides in fact of course consequently in other words otherwise finally in the first place still for example meanwhile then for instance moreover therefore furthermore nevertheless thus ^ moreover, she ▶▶ Alicia scored well on the SAT/.; She also had excellent grades and a record of community service. 3. Consider using a semicolon alone. (See 34a.) ^ in ▶▶ In youth we learn/.; In age we understand. 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 143 7/26/11 10:00 AM 144

144 14a emph Emphasis (coordination and subordination) Using subordination to combine sentences of unequal importance 1. Consider putting the less important idea in a subordinate clause beginning with one of the following words. (See 48e.) after before that which although even though unless while as if until who as if since when whom because so that where whose ^ When ▶▶ Elizabeth Cady Stanton proposed a convention to discuss the ^ status of women in America/., Lucretia Mott agreed. 2. Consider putting the less important idea in an appositive phrase. (See 48c.) ^ ^ ▶▶ Karate, is a discipline based on the philosophy of nonviolence/., It teaches the art of self-defense. 3. Consider putting the less important idea in a participial phrase. (See 48b.) ^ Noticing ^ ▶▶ I noticed the EpiPen in her tote bag/., I asked her if she has food allergies. EXERCISE 14–1 Use the coordination or subordination technique in brackets to combine each pair of independent clauses. Revisions of lettered sentences appear in the back of the book. Example: Ted Williams was one of the best hitters in the history of ^ baseball, but he baseball. He never won a World Series ring. [Use a comma and a coordinating conjunction.] practice hackerhandbooks.com/rules > Clarity > 14–5 to 14–8 06_7813_Part3_111-178.indd 144 7/26/11 10:00 AM 145