At Night, I Become a Monster

and take a look at the broken lamp.

I slipped out of the classroom, pretending that I was headed for the
bathroom. As I thought about it, it had probably already been fixed anyway,
but I still wanted to see for myself. Of course, I probably only became
concerned about the light because I wanted an excuse to leave the classroom
—just as Motoda had made up a pretext for sneaking into the school.

When I climbed to the fourth floor, sure enough, the broken light bulb
had been exchanged for an intact one. I continued up to the fifth floor to
make sure that no traces of last night’s scuffle remained, but there was
nothing really to see, so I did my business in the fifth floor bathroom and
started back to the classroom.

On the way, I passed by a classmate, about to ascend from the fourth
floor. It wasn’t great that someone had seen me descending from the fifth, but
given who it was, it was probably no big deal.

I casually raised a hand and greeted her.

“Yo. Off to the library?”

“Mm,” Midorikawa replied, nodding in such a way that implied I
shouldn’t ask questions that I already knew the answers to. Still, I thought
that I might try making a bit of conversation.

I do realize that this was just another excuse to keep away from the
classroom for as long as possible.

“What’re you reading?” I asked.

She held the book in her hands out to me. This was an appropriately
meaningless thing to ask, so I was surprised when I took a closer look at the
cover.

“Harry Potter.”

“Mm.”

“…Are the books good, too?” I asked.

“Mm.”

I was a bit relieved to see her nod. It was an utterly meaningless relief.
It occurred to me that the conversation was now over, and that not only was

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Midorikawa unlikely to offer up any new topics, but I wasted more than
enough time. She looked towards the stairs that stretched up to the fifth floor.

“O-oh, yeah, I just wanted to fix my bedhead a bit, someplace where
nobody else could see.”

A reasonable excuse. Midorikawa replied, “Mm,” with a nod. What
was that affirmation in response to? Did she mean it like, Oh yeah, yeah,
sure, of course that’s your excuse, whatever? Kasai would be totally
disillusioned, if that was the case.

Now that I was already drawing out the conversation, I decided to try
and promote my friend a little bit.

“Oh yeah, by the way, you hear that someone broke the baseball club’s
window again?”

“Mm.”

“Oh, so you did know. There’s a lot of destructive things happening
lately, like with Takao’s bike.”

“Mm.”

“And someone messed with Nakagawa’s shoes—everyone’s all upset
thinking it might’ve been Yano, but even Kasai, who usually doesn’t think
much about anything, was saying that we don’t even have any proof of that,
so we probably shouldn’t leap to any conclusions…”

Midorikawa said nothing, but she did not tilt her head at this. Maybe I
had come on a little too strong with the point I was trying to make. It was
impossible to tell from her reaction how she had taken it.

It was probably best to leave it there.

“W-well, I’ll see you in class, then.”

I stepped past her, taking two, three steps down the stairs, when
suddenly I heard, “Kasai-kun is a bad guy.”

At first, I had no idea who had spoken to me. As I turned around, I
finally remembered the voice as Midorikawa’s. For a moment, she locked
eyes with me and then turned back and headed for the library.

It had been ages since I had heard her say anything at all outside of

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class.

Kasai was a bad guy? What?

I watched her disappear around the corner, having no idea what she
meant. I thought long and hard about what she was trying to tell me for the
rest of the day, but I came to no conclusion. I came up with a lot of
hypotheticals, but it wasn’t good to dwell on such impossible things.

As far as outstanding incidents were concerned, that was the only one
that day.

Well, maybe two—there was still no Totoro key chain hanging from
Iguchi’s bag.

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Thursday
Night

THE WIND ALWAYS felt nice up on the rooftop.

Here I was, I thought, despite saying that I wouldn’t come. I was up on
the rooftop tonight because I could not put aside the one-in-a-million chance
that Motoda and his friends might be stupid enough to return.

I confirmed that Yano-san was in the classroom and then left a clone
standing outside the front door. I myself had no intention of meeting up with
her.

Unlike yesterday, the school was quiet tonight. I turned my face into
the night wind, letting all manner of thoughts run through my mind.

Why had Midorikawa said those words to me?
She had been reading Harry Potter. I genuinely wanted to ask her what
she thought about it.

What was with Kasai?
The baseball club’s window was broken again…
Perhaps the reason that those guys knew that the classroom door would
be unlocked when I was chasing them was because they had already been
inside once.

Maybe Yano-san knew that, which was why she was hiding in the
supply cabinet. If that were the case, then she was far too careless in giving a
reply. Stupid, even.

…Hang on.
…

She…was scared…?
No matter what I thought about, my thoughts all led me to the same
point.

I had felt my own fear when I heard Yano-san’s words, although it was

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a different type of fear than hers. I worried that, having heard those words,
my attitude towards her was going to veer away from the rest of the class. If
my thinking was aberrant, if my judgement was impaired, then who knew
when I might suddenly slip up and do the wrong thing, say the wrong thing.

I could not allow myself to slip up like Iguchi-san and see my daily life
ruined. I could think of nothing worse.

I ground my monstrous teeth in resolve.

Which type are you? I thought I heard her voice echo.

Well, I certainly wasn’t a Yano-san type.

Finally, midnight break drew to an end. Just as Yano-san opened the
classroom door, I dismissed my clone.

Regardless of my presence—or lack thereof—Yano-san had her fill of
midnight break and then headed home. I realized that, without my noticing,
the midnight hour had become the focus of my nights.

Somehow, that felt dreadful. I decided to spend the rest of the night
traveling here and there for sport.

No one knew that I was there.

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Friday
Day

I BARELY GOT a full five minutes’ reprieve. A joy filled my heart after

meeting up with Kudou around the shoe boxes and seeing her double-toothed
smile, but it quickly withered away.

“Good…morning.”

As Kudou and I headed to the classroom together, Yano came down
the stairs and gave us her usual cheerful greeting. As always, I ignored her. I
didn’t look at her face. Kudou, naturally, ignored her as well. That was our
class’s way, after all. Yano, likewise, continued straight down the stairs, not
seeking any reply.

Just as the interaction ended, and I began to feel relieved, Kudou
turned towards the descending Yano and threw the iced coffee carton she was
holding at her—or so it appeared. I only turned to look after hearing the high
sound of a shoe squeaking across the floor, so I could only guess how Kudou
had moved, but I’m pretty sure I was on the mark.

The carton struck Yano in the back of the head and then fell to the
floor. It seemed to be nearly empty, but a bit of coffee still spurted from the
straw out onto Yano’s hair.

“Ow.”

Hearing this from Yano, Kudou turned right back around, grinning at
me, and then picked the conversation right back up where she had left it with
a “So, anyway…”

That was dangerous. Still, I managed to force my body back into its
original course of action, matching pace with Kudou with an “Uh-huh.” In
other words, I probably corrected course into someone who had met up with
a classmate and was now walking to the classroom with them side by side,
listening to their gossip.

As we arrived at the classroom and I reconsidered this
accomplishment, realizing what it meant, a shiver ran down my spine.

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Could it be that I was already beginning to veer off the rails?

Kudou used to be someone who ignored Yano so effortlessly, one
wondered if she truly even really saw her. The only times she ever actively
joined in on the harassment were when someone else cajoled her into it or
when Yano overstepped the bounds of Kudou’s personal space. I had
assumed her opinions and attitude to be the median amongst our classmates
when it came to Yano.

And yet now she had done this thing.

Perhaps the incidents with Iguchi and Nakagawa had raised the bar for
our class’s acceptable behavior, increased the demands of our shared sense of
unity.

I corrected my stance.

I needed to be careful and decide how I was going to act. If I let myself
slip, I might soon find myself targeted as an outsider. As I fretted over this,
someone who lived life at his own pace approached, someone who never had
such worries.

“You think that kaiju ate Motoda’s soul or somethin’? Ahaha.”

Kasai’s cheerful laughter was a balm.

I know that he meant it only as a joke, but as I thought about it, I
realized that he was fairly on the mark. If Motoda refused to come to school
because of what I had done to him, then one might as well say that I had
eaten his soul.

Kasai took out his phone and showed me photos of a stray cat he had
come across the day before. It was the same stray I had seen at night.

If the issue of cats versus dogs ever came up, Kasai was most assuredly
a cat person, so I fell in step with that, talking to him just as another cat
person would. Suddenly, however, a large shadow fell over us from the
hallway.

“Kasai, hand it over.”

It was the homeroom teacher of Class 4. Kasai sputtered, “Wha?!
Seriously?!” He didn’t recoil at all, even in the face of such an imposing

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authority figure. Around the room, a number of students suddenly shoved
their hands into their pockets or their desks.

“Yes, seriously.”

“This is important to me, though! I should get to take care of it
myself!”

“Then you should have left it at home instead of bringing it to school.
C’mon, give it over, now.”

Reluctantly, Kasai placed his phone into the teacher’s outstretched
hand, and with that the teacher left, saying that he would hand it over to our
homeroom teacher. Seemingly utterly mortified, Kasai moaned, “Seriously,
though? Everyone’s got ’em, even Nakagawa…” He petitioned the
sympathies of those around him, drawing piteous looks.

As I watched Kasai head to his seat, still peeved, I finally understood
something that had been bothering me for some time.

Ah, I see. So that’s why Iguchi’s Totoro key chain was missing from
her bag.

It was something that was important to her, and it was something that
she could no longer hope to protect all on her own.

I glanced over at Iguchi. She was nodding and grinning at something
the other girls were saying. Though they had made tenuous amends, Iguchi
was well aware that she now stood on the wrong side of our bubble of shared
unity. I wonder if she was scared, too…

I quickly put aside the thought. But now that I knew the reason for
Iguchi’s actions, it made sense that I never saw Yano playing with her phone
during the day, the way that she always did at night.

She knew firsthand how much devastation could be caused by harming
something that was precious to someone else.

Just then, Midorikawa came into the room, a library book in hand.

“Morning.”

“Mm.”

Naturally, she gave no further reply.

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Now and then I thought about Midorikawa, the only one in our class
who was permitted to go against the grain. I couldn’t envy her. One step in
the wrong direction and she would end up in the same place as Yano. She had
only ended up in a defensible position because she knew the right expressions
to make, because she never showed fear. However, one of these days, she
might just slip from that pedestal of hers.

It was perhaps because Midorikawa knew this that she made such a
show of bringing in a book from the library every day. Oh, poor me, this
routine seemed to say, I’m so afraid of bringing my own books now that I
have to leave them at home. If it really was a ploy of hers, then it had proved
almost disgustingly successful.

The bell rang, and our homeroom teacher arrived. Just as he was in the
midst of informing Kasai that he should come to the staff room after school,
Yano dragged her feet into the room. “Be in your seat before the bell,” he
sighed in warning, to which Yano replied, “O…kay,” and took her seat.

Normally, he would not have bothered about her any further; it was
like he’d given up on worrying about Yano’s attitude. Today was different.

“Look here, what would you have done if today was exam day? Do
you really think you could just say ‘Okay’ and be done with it?”

While I wished to retort that of course she would be more careful on an
exam day, the thought simultaneously occurred to me that Yano would
probably come in just as late no matter how important the day was.

“Oi. Yano.”

Just as I sighed internally over how pointless this sermon was, an angry
voice rang out elsewhere in the room.

“This is nothing to smile about!”

I felt a wave ripple through my body, the very same kind that I did
during the night.

Then the teacher really laid into a sermon. At first, it was directed
specifically at Yano, but at length it blossomed into a tirade concerning the
entire class, including addressing Kasai’s phone, self-discipline, our duties to
society, and such and so forth, eating up all of our time and dragging on and

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on until just before the bell that signaled the break before first period.

It began in a gloomy atmosphere. The atmosphere could be nothing but
gloomy. Everyone’s irritation was so palpable you could practically feel it
press against your skin. It didn’t take long for that same feeling of resentment
to be redirected toward the person who was at the root of it all.

At this point, I don’t think I need to explain any further.

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Friday
Night

THE NIGHT PASSED much like the one before.

Besides my own feelings, all was quiet.

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Monday
Day

EVER SINCE I BECAME a monster, I had stopped sleeping.

Thus, the form that my body took was determined by the boundary
between day and night. Typically, I returned to my human form between four
and five A.M., around when the sun began to rise. Naturally, when I returned
home in monster form, not a soul was awake in my house. There was a long
stretch until breakfast and heading to school, so I had a fair amount of free
time.

A number of times, I had decided that I might at least try to sleep, even
if only for an hour or two, and gone to snuggle in beneath my futon.
However, again and again as I lay there, not sleeping, the smell of coffee
would eventually come wafting up from the first floor. Ultimately, I gave up
on it.

Today, as usual, I sat alone in my room on my bed with too much time
on my hands. If I turned on my lights and the glow seeped out into the
hallway, my family might notice and say something, so I opened my curtains
and sat there quietly in the dark. It had been overcast since Saturday, and the
moon was hidden.

Previously, I would use the faint light from my cell phone screen to
read manga by, but lately I had no interest in this. Instead, once I finished my
homework, I would just sit there blankly, like a fixture, waiting for time to
tick by on its own.

As long as I thought about nothing, this time was rather relaxing.
Actually trying to keep my mind clear was rather less so. The gurus in
movies had the power to totally clear their mind, but even they often said
something like: true zen takes much training.

I lay sprawled on my bed, gazing upward. Though I could not sleep, as
long as I stared up at the ceiling, it felt like my body was resting.

If I was going to be thinking about things anyway, they may as well be

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fun things. I put my hands on my head and started to imagine what I’d do the
following night.

When night fell, I would probably head to the school and watch over
Yano from the shadows, as always, and then I would be free to go pass the
time elsewhere. So what would I do tonight? I imagined various destinations,
all sorts of ways to spend the hours. I had visited a number of islands over the
weekend. When I crossed over the waves, I found nature and people who I
had likely never once crossed paths with before. There were plenty of
animals beyond the usual cats and dogs, too, but they all fled as soon as they
became aware of my presence.

Maybe it was time to try sightseeing in another country. I supposed
that, though I couldn’t stay long, I could make it to some of the other
countries of Asia, at the very least. And if that worked, then the whole world
was my oyster.

As I pondered this, suddenly, a thought occurred to me.

Just how long did I intend to keep doing this? I’d been thinking as
though these strange nights of mine would last forever, but in truth, I had no
idea how long the nightly transformations might continue. Like I’d thought
on the night I chased Motoda away, my nights might return to normal at any
moment.

I prayed that it would continue for as long as possible. But what did “as
long as possible” mean? Until the end of junior high? Until the end of high
school? Until the end of university? Until I was an old man?

I couldn’t really pin it down in concrete terms. At the very least, it
would be nice if it lasted until I had some freedom. Until I didn’t feel so
stifled all the time. I’d love to keep my monstrous form at my disposal until
then.

And still, just when would that be?

Perhaps it was like Noto said—you could live a bit more freely once
you’re an adult.

If that was true, at what age did she mean? How many more years
would it take?

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How much longer would I have to keep watch to ensure that no one
ruined my classmate’s nights? How much longer would Yano keep up this
habit of sneaking into the school at night?

How long would this go on? I don’t simply mean protecting her
midnight breaks. How much longer would Yano keep irritating us all by
being unable to read the room? How long would Midorikawa refuse to
communicate with others? How long would Motoda and Nakagawa take
pleasure in harming others? How long would Iguchi be unable to have faith
in the people around her?

Just how long would it all continue?

Perhaps it might end once we graduated from junior high. Perhaps we
would all go off to different high schools, our class becoming only a thing of
memory, and everyone’s treatment of one another—their personalities, their
beliefs, their twisted hobbies—would all change.

But who could know for sure?

Once again, I felt anger build up inside of me at Noto for saying
something so clueless.

Then I realized that this was no time for me to be worrying about other
people. I needed to keep from slipping up in the classroom, to take care not to
step out of line, to live my life with the utmost caution in the upcoming week.
As I imagined this, I felt a cold sweat come over me.

It was fine, though. I still had the night.

As I comforted myself, shifting from side to side, the sounds of human
life began to stir.

***

There was a light shower coming down on the way to school—a
gloomy Monday, through and through. I walked with my umbrella out,
cursing the weather that I hoped might suddenly clear up overnight.

I continued along the road, thinking over the day’s schedule. There

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would be an extended homeroom, then English, then math. Not an especially
taxing day. The issue here was how much of the class’s tension from last
Friday had carried over into this week. I had to be extra careful when gauging
it. If I didn’t, I might find myself suddenly on the wrong side at any time. I
might end up outside of the circle of unity before I knew it. Like day and
night, my position could be reversed in an instant. And just as drastically as
between human and monster, I would change.

I had to choose my actions wisely. Truthfully, even the sort of things I
had been thinking about at dawn were starting to veer off course, so perhaps
it was already too late.

I had to be careful.

“Acchi!”

As someone called me, I returned to my senses. I turned around to see
a jovial Kasai.

“Ahaha, you’re totally soaked.”

Apparently, I had neglected to properly keep the rain off of me while I
was spacing out. I brushed off my dampened left shoulder and corrected my
stance—both bodily and mentally.

“Don’t usually see you walking, Acchi.”

“No? I always walk when it’s raining.”

“Huh. Guess so.”

Kasai lived comparatively close to the school and always walked in the
mornings. After school, he often hitched a ride home on the back of
someone’s bike. Obviously, such a thing was prohibited within the
schoolgrounds, but as soon as he stepped outside the gates, such rules
probably meant nothing to him.

Little of note happened as we walked along, avoiding puddles. The
usual group who were chauffeured by their parents on rainy days passed us
by, and eventually, we arrived safely at the school gates. “Safely,” I thought
internally and then had to laugh at myself for thinking something so carefree.

It was here that the real trial would begin. To put it in a word, the path

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stretching forward from here was a minefield.

Kasai flew through the gates, not a care in the world, striding nimbly
around every single land mine as he headed towards the entrance. As skilled
as always, that one.

I could do no such thing. I didn’t have the slightest bit of the innate
sense that allowed Kasai to live that way. I had to proceed step by cautious
step through life, careful not to step on any of the mines, but making sure that
that vigilance did not weigh me down. If not, I would end up exposed.
Shunned.

But the tedium of this slow progress weighed on me. It was my own
fault, a flaw in my disposition. And yet, there were times when I worried I
might have this problem forever, just as I had at dawn.

I shook my head, as though shaking off the raindrops from my hair,
shedding myself of these cowardly thoughts as I did.

I just had to keep living carefully. I just had to be sure to always
choose the right things. It wasn’t that complicated.

As I politely folded my umbrella outside of the entrance, careful not to
send the drops flying onto anyone’s uniform, I heard a cheerful voice.

“Heya, Non-chan, you goin’ out?”

“My name is not Non-chan.”

I tapped my umbrella along the ground, drawing closer to the little
scene playing out between Kasai and Noto in front of our class’s shoe boxes.
I noticed that Noto was holding her shoes and umbrella, currently donning
said shoes. She had probably just come from the nurse’s office.

“Morning, Adachi-kun.”

“G’mornin’.”

“One of the first-years fell off of their bike and broke a bone, so I have
to take them to the hospital.”

“You can’t just leave ’em?”

“Kasai, would you want me to leave you to fend for yourself if you
broke a bone? There will be someone else in charge while I’m gone. You

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boys do your best in class today.”

With that, Noto hurried out of the entryway.

“I guess that’s just another of a school nurse’s duties,” said Kasai,
laughing nonchalantly as he watched her walk away. “Still, seems like she’s
got it pretty easy. It’s not like she’s gotta do all that much.”

Being a school nurse did seem pretty easy…from what we had seen
firsthand, anyway.

But really, there was no reason to even consider anything more than
that. Having the ability to imagine things beyond what you could see with
your own two eyes was fruitless, excessive. Kasai knew this well enough. We
switched from our sneakers into our indoor shoes, and finally, it was the start
to another perfectly typical week.

I neither enjoyed nor particularly hated the fact that things were just as
they always were. It was just that, even on days like these that weren’t
especially bad, I still had to take care that my comfortable existence remained
intact.

Honestly, I didn’t really need to be thinking about any of this. Once I
was an adult, I would be free. I just had to live a proper life. That took even
less work than avoiding traffic accidents. All I had to worry about was just
avoiding the things that I shouldn’t do. There was no point in wondering now
how long things might continue.

All that I had to maintain here was my place. I could come to school
normally, sit for my lessons, and take my breaks. I just had to be sure that this
tolerable status quo didn’t suddenly take a turn for the worse. I needed to
keep on maintaining things as I had thus far, keep on with the strategies that
had gotten me to where I was.

I, the human, could accomplish at least that much.

When I was a monster, though, things were different. With my
imagination at my fingertips, I no longer had to focus so intensely on myself.

It was the same as always. As long as I could preserve the status quo,
everything would be fine.

As long as I could keep doing the right thing, as I always had.

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I settled my resolve and straightened my back. I ascended the stairs
alongside Kasai, walked down the hall, and stepped into the classroom.

It was then that it happened.

Something landed at my feet.

I don’t know what course of events lead to this, or what was going on,
or why this thing had ended up just at my feet. At this juncture, I had no idea
what the item might be. All I knew was that, besides Kasai, the eyes of
everyone in the classroom were on the thing that had landed at my feet, and
on me.

Wondering just what it was, I glanced at the bulging white paper bag at
my feet. There was something written on it. I took in the warped lettering.

Yano Satsuki.

It was Yano’s.

This was the moment of truth.

All of the things I had been thinking about since dawn spilled over in
my mind, and amongst those thoughts was a spot that went pitch-black. From
out of that darkness a dim thought of Iguchi drifted out. Actually, it wasn’t
Iguchi. It was something far more terrifying—the thought of Iguchi’s
harassment.

Here I was again, at the mercy of Murphy’s law.

I looked once again at the faces of everyone in the classroom.
Everyone there was scrutinizing my actions. Amongst them was Yano,
rushing my way with an “Oh!”

A shiver ran down my spine.

I had to do the right thing.

There would be no making the excuse that I wasn’t thinking. Being
careful meant one could never leave these sort of things to chance.

I reconfirmed what lay at my feet. Though it was not for long, I
thought hard, made my decision, and acted.

With my right foot, I stomped down on the white paper bag.

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The thing inside made a crunching sound.

It was as though that sound was the key that undid the spell. With that
single step of mine, time began to move in the classroom once more.
Everyone turned their gazes away from me and returned to what they were
doing.

I felt relief. That sound had cleared up any doubts I had about myself. I
had done the right thing as a member of this class. With that fateful stomp as
my first step, I continued straight on to my desk.

I knew at once that, normally, such an action would see me criticized,
but that was the right thing to do, here in this room. I had merely evaluated
my options and properly aligned myself with the views of my classmates.
Yes, that was what I told myself.

As I set my bag on my desk, desperately trying to steady my racing
heartbeat, Kudou jabbed me in the side. At first, I was afraid that she was
going to reprimand me, but instead there was a lively grin upon her face.

Even Kudou should have known how wicked a thing it was to step on
something belonging to someone else. Not just Kudou—that should have
been common sense for everyone in the room. And yet, here was Kudou
smiling, not a single one of my classmates looking to rebuke me for it,
because what I had done was the right thing to do, only now, only here. I had
succeeded by the barometer of how much ill-will or anger one should show
towards Yano, by the strange metric this class used to judge one another.
That test was sacred within these walls.

And I knew that. And yet, my heart kept beating faster and faster,
because I could not find solace in the shelter of our class’s unique mindset. I
should have recognized how important this was, but facts that only I—that
only I and Yano— knew, kept me from feeling that righteousness.

The heat within my body rose as a war waged within my own heart.

If such a thing would have been allowed, I would have done anything
to question Yano at once.

Why?

Why hadn’t she left something important to her at home? Why would

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she bring it to school during the day? In my moment of panic, I hadn’t even
thought to hesitate, not knowing what was inside that bulging white bag. But
I should have at least known what it was for.

And yet, I had stepped on it.

“Oh,” said Yano, picking up the bag, before peeking inside. “It’s…
broken,” she muttered, trudging to the back of the classroom and shutting it
inside of her locker. I watched as she did this, still sitting next to a gleeful
Kudou.

There was no need to even set my powers of imagination to work. I
had known the answer just from looking at that bag. I did not need to imagine
it at all.

For the first time ever, true guilt panged within my heart. The guilt
filled me like a balloon until I was ready to burst.

After all, I had seen in the wake of my own footstep one other warped
line of letters on that white bag, below Yano’s name.

To: Noto-sensei.

It should be “for,” shouldn’t it?

Within my heart, I could only repeat that it was none of my business.

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Monday
Night

YANO-SAN HAD BROUGHT IT with her during the day because that was

the only time she could give it to her.

She had probably brought it all the way to class instead of giving it to
her during arrival because she had happened to stop by the nurse’s office
while Noto-sensei was busy tending to the injured first-year.

Though I had known that it was this week, I had no idea that Noto-
sensei’s birthday was today.

However, knowing this did nothing to ease my feelings of guilt.

And so, that night, I decided to go and apologize.

I couldn’t apologize to her during the day, but I could at least do it at
night. I, the monster, could accomplish at least that much.

It was the first time I’d be seeing Yano-san at night in a while.
Realizing that it was also the first time that I had ever come for the express
purpose of resolving something between us, I began to grow a bit nervous.

It was possible that she might not even come tonight. It was raining,
after all. She might be depressed over what I had done to her.

If she was here, it was possible that she might be opposed to my
apology. She might say that if it was something worth apologizing for, then I
shouldn’t had done it in the first place. Even though I had acted correctly as a
member of our class, I could not expect Yano-san to accept that.

I was uneasy, but I could deal with any complaints. However, I had no
idea what I would do if her reaction was any more violent than that.

I thought of Yano-san’s face.

After a slightly more delayed transformation than usual, I flew to the
school. With the power of my imagination, I sprouted wings like a giant bat
and soared through the sky. I bet that if Yano-san saw those wings, she would
be delighted, I thought to myself, hoping to absolve my own sin.

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As always, when I arrived at school, I alighted upon the roof,
remembering the first time that I had come there. This time, however, I didn’t
feel that same rush that I did then. The only similarity between this time and
that one was my own nervousness.

The school, as always, was quiet. Though the building was all shut up
for the night, not a single door or window open, it felt far more accessible
than it ever did during the day, full of the chatter of students, the warmth of
bodies.

It was because I was a monster and because there was no one here right
now. When I was a human, I felt closed in. Not by walls or ceilings but by
people’s sense of justice, their ill intent, and their shared sense of unity.

There was no doubting that Yano-san felt even more trapped, more
stifled, than I did.

Of course she would. This empty, open school at night was probably
the only place where she could breathe freely.

Suddenly, I felt like for the first time, I truly understood what she
meant by “midnight break.”

I soon arrived at the front of the classroom, opening the door before I
gathered my full resolve. The more prepared I was, the less likely that I
would have been able to show my face.

Yano-san was inside the classroom, sitting at her seat, as always. She
looked my way and opened her mouth stupidly.

“Whoa, long…time no…see.”

There had only been two nights where I hadn’t shown up. Four, if you
include the weekend, but perhaps Yano-san felt the passage of time a bit
differently than I did.

The daytime probably felt very long for her.

“Yeah, been a while.”

I moved to the back of the classroom and morphed myself into a
comfortable size. As I wondered how to break the ice, Yano-san put her
phone into her pocket and turned back towards me.

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“So,” she said, and I grew uneasy, worried that I was about to be
attacked for what I had done during the day. “Have you been any…where fun
lately?”

I was wrong.

It was a question, abrupt as always. I nodded, assuming that she was
referring to the nighttime.

“I’ve been a lot of places.”

“Really?”

“Nowhere super fun, though. I tried going a bunch of places to
sightsee, but there was no one around, and shrines and stuff are super creepy
to go to at night.”

“It’s weird… that you get scared…even when you look like…that.”

As always, her choice of words was just a little bit off, I thought. It was
the kind of phrasing that invited conflicts and misunderstandings. Still, I was
not going to bother saying anything about that today.

“Acchi…kun, do you prefer…Europe or A…sia?”

“What’s with those two choices? I’ve never been outside Japan.”

“I see. I…was actually wondering, what would happen if…you went
overseas at…night, and it turned to morning because of the…time
difference.”

“…I wonder about that, too.”

I hadn’t thought of it before, but her innocent question bothered me.

“It’d probably be bad if you turned…back into your daytime form
over…the ocean.”

“…That’d be dangerous.”

Just this morning at dawn, I had been thinking that I might go overseas.
Perhaps it would be best to put those thoughts to rest.

“I wonder if you could ma…nipulate time with your powers of i…
magination, Acchi-kun.”

“No way. I’m pretty sure I can’t control anything outside of myself.”

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Even with this impossible form of mine, some things were still out of
the question.

“I…see.”

Her disappointment was easy to read, almost conspicuously so. She
looked up at the ceiling and sputtered out a sigh.

“I thought you…could make it nighttime for…ever.”

I concealed the chattering of my body.

If only it could be night forever.

That was probably an earnest desire for Yano-san.

Still, that was impossible. No matter what, morning would come, even
if for Yano-san the rising of the sun must have felt like standing before the
gates of Hell. There was no such thing as an endless night. It pained me that
there was no way that I could possibly grant her wish.

“Well, have you tried?” I thought she might ask.

Unfortunately for her, if I really could make the night draw on longer,
it would have already happened.

It would have happened even before the first time I encountered her at
night. Because I, too, had always thought how nice it would be if the night
went on forever. And yet the sun always rose. I returned to my human form,
changed my clothes, ate breakfast, and headed to school.

Even I, who did not hate school from the bottom of my heart, had had
such thoughts. I understood Yano-san’s words, and the fact that they were
more than just passing suggestion, so much that it hurt.

How nice it would be, if my powers lent me such ability. Maybe, if I
thought harder, harder than I ever had before, I might be able to grant her that
eternal night.

“So, what…should we do…to…night?”

Apparently she hadn’t noticed how my droplets quivered.

“I mean, I dunno.”

Naturally, I hadn’t been thinking about such things. I had come here to

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apologize, after all. But I was still a bit relieved to hear Yano-san’s question,
to hear her tossing out suggestions as usual, not appearing particularly upset
about what happened earlier that day. Maybe she did understand that what I
had done was only the logical next step of the things that our classmates had
done.

Even so, I still couldn’t think of a way to broach that conversation.

“The baseball club’s window isn’t even broken anymore,” I said.

“They probably couldn’t keep up with it any…more.”

“Keep up with what?”

“Let’s…go to the…gym.”

Yano-san completely ignoring my question raised my hopes. The same
as always. She was the same as always.

It might be nice to go to the gym. It was a more open space, and in a
less serious atmosphere. It might be easier for me to apologize, and there
would be plenty of things there to pass the time.

I decided to go along with her suggestion.

“Acchi…kun, you don’t really have any…opinions, do you?”

“I mean, there’s just nowhere that I really want to go in the school at
night.”

“Oh, I…see.”

Her observation might have actually contained a deeper dig at my own
character, I thought momentarily, but I felt sure that I was overthinking it.

I had Yano-san exit the room first and then locked the door. “That’s so
han…dy,” said Yano-san as she watched me dispatch a clone to run ahead,
though she had already seen me do that plenty of times before.

We descended the stairs and headed for the gym. Yano-san’s footsteps
were as noisy as ever, but I didn’t scold her for it. We passed by the changing
rooms and by the place where I had kicked her. Beyond the passageway, the
door to the gymnasium was firmly shut.

Yano-san waited by the door while I slipped inside.

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I returned from my liquid-like state back into my full monster form.
The interior of the gym was like being sealed away in an airtight prison.
Amidst the piercing silence, it was as though I could hear the echoes of all of
the sounds generated by the classes and club practices during the day, shut up
in here with me.

Suddenly growing fearfully aware of the fact that I was literally shut
inside, I quickly opened the door with my tail. Without so much as a word of
thanks, Yano-san, who was still waiting patiently, shed her shoes and stepped
into the gym. She took in a deep breath, an almost calculated motion.

“It feels like…there’s a lot of sounds in…here.”

Seriously? That’s what she picked up on by doing that? Not the smell?
Then again, I couldn’t say anything, since I had thought the exact same thing.

As I closed the door again with my tail, she let out a big noise.
“Whoooa. It’s su…per dark in…here.”

“Yeah.”

The emergency lights were on, of course, but in a space as large as the
gym, that amount of light wasn’t enough for the human eye to rely on.

“Hang on a minute,” I said.

I leapt up to the upper floor, leaving Yano-san standing there as I
opened up all of the curtains on the high windows with my tail and turned on
one row of lights. That should have been enough for Yano-san, the human, to
see as well as I could. I prayed that it would not be so much that anyone
outside would notice.

By the time I returned, Yano-san had run over to the wall and begun
walking along the perimeter of the gym. I changed myself to my comfortable
resting size.

Unlike me, the tiny Yano-san had a tiny stride as well, so walking the
full length took her some time, after which she returned to me. As she
returned, she pointed up at the ceiling.

“Hey… Acchi-kun, go get…that.”

I looked up, but at first did not understand what she was indicating. All

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that I saw when I looked where she was pointing was the ceiling.

“The…ball.”

I finally noticed it once she pointed it out. My perception wasn’t all
that great.

After pondering for a moment what to do, I moved away from Yano-
san and unfurled my wings. Just as I had imagined, I heard Yano-san’s awed
voice behind me as I rose into the air. I could have simply jumped up there,
but it was worth bothering to do it this way.

I nudged the basketball that was trapped in the scaffolding until it fell,
catching it midway, to keep it from hitting her in the face. I circled the gym
as I landed.

I gently chucked the ball in the direction of the arrhythmic applause I
received, and it plunked perfectly into the space between Yano-san’s hands,
mid-clap.

She bounced the ball once against the ground, again not extending any
thanks. The ball sprang up in the wrong direction, as though she had not even
thought to adjust her power or angle, and then rolled towards me. I grabbed it
with my tail and tossed it back. The ball missed her, soaring past, and Yano-
san trotted off after it.

For a brief while, she clumsily practiced dribbling, throwing some free
throws that fell well short of the basket. Eventually, growing either tired or
frustrated, she walked my way and flung the ball at me. What was with that,
all of a sudden?

This time, when I caught the ball with my tail and threw it back, she
caught it properly and then threw it again my way. Apparently, she had
decided we were going to kill time playing catch now. I could go for at least
that much.

As the ball went back and forth, back and forth, sailing behind Yano-
san countless times, the sound of rain upon the roof grew stronger and
stronger. We might have been shut up inside of here, but at least we were
protected.

“It’s lucky for this little one that you were…here, Acchi…kun,” she

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said, abruptly as ever.
Little one?

“You mean the ball?”
“Yeah. Now we…get to see it living pro…perly, as a ball.”

“It’s not alive, though.”
“It might…be alive, just very quiet.”
“That’s creepy. We’re throwing it around.”

Conversation and a game of catch. I realized then that, somehow,
somewhere during all this, I had started having fun.

“Isn’t there some…thing like that in…the world of Harry…Potter?”

“Well, the pictures and broomsticks talk and move around and stuff, so
kind of.”

“I see, so…then don’t be…so stupid.”
“What?”

“Though I guess…we should still be care…ful.”
“What are you talking about?”
“So, Acchi…kun.”

As always, she wasn’t listening to a word I said. With how poor her
control of her whole body was, as she took form to throw the ball again, the
intonation of her voice was even stranger than usual.

“Mm?”

“Your night…form or your day form… Which is…the real one?”
Perhaps it was because she had thrown the ball with more vigor than
before, but it went sailing over my head. The echo of its heavy impact against
the wall behind me made my black droplets shiver.
“Huh?”

“Go get the…ball,” she said casually, pointing right at me. I obeyed,
turning around and picking up the ball behind me with my tail.

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“Throw…it.”
I threw the ball in an arc. Yano-san deftly caught it.

“Are you a human? Or are you…what you are…now?”
“No, I, uh…”

“I’ve been wonder…ing which it…is.”
This time she flung only words at me, the ball still in her hands.
“Which one…is the real one?”

What exactly was she referring to?
“You know… I…”

Though I hadn’t asked her, as per usual, she began speaking about
herself.

“I’m not…either one. Day, night, there’s…no difference to me. I don’t
change…at all. Everything around me changes. The time and…the people
and things and at…mosphere around me change, but I am…the same, day or
night. The dif…ferences mean nothing to…me.”

I was lost for words.

“But you, Acchi…kun. You change…completely…between day and
night.”

What was she talking about?
“So I wonder which…one it is.”

She kept pointing straight at me, as though interrogating me.
“I’ve been thinking about this while you weren’t…around,” she
playfully jabbed.

My black droplets began to quiver, quietly, under the aim of her
pointing finger. She was staring straight at me, not averting her eyes.

“I want to…know.”
I drew in a single breath.

I doubted that Yano-san was all that strong or all that wise. She
probably had simply developed some sort of curiosity. My human form and

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my monster form—which one was the real one? She had asked me something
like this before, about whether I had been born in my monster form. So it
made more sense to assume that this was merely an innocent question.

Regardless, to me it seemed as though her teasing was merely a means
to hide her true feelings. Hiding the truth behind a different expression, just
as Nakagawa-san had when Kasai criticized her.

Maybe it was merely my feelings of guilt at work, but it felt as though I
was being reproached. It seemed like she was concealing her anger towards
me—for what I had done while a human, naturally.

She hid this to protect herself. To protect the time that she had now, as
Iguchi-san and Nakagawa-san had. If she were to grow angry, then the night
would be ruined. If she were to grow angry, then the connection that the two
of us shared might be severed. It was for this reason, I believed, that she
suppressed her feelings and tried to reach an emotional compromise, by
eliciting a response from me that she could accept.

I have no idea if my reasoning was correct. I had no idea how to
answer her question in a way that she would find acceptable.

Not knowing this, I sidestepped it.

“I’m sorry.”

I couldn’t answer her question. Instead, I spat out the answer she was
truly seeking, flying directly past her inquiry. It was a bit of an evasion, but
honestly, it got to the point of what we both had originally been circling
around. I felt this was far more meaningful than offering a reply that suited
the question that Yano-san had asked, the one which concealed her true
feelings. Thus, the deep question that she had asked me was quite convenient
for my purposes, if I could speak the truth here now.

“For…what?” she asked, tilting her head theatrically as she rolled the
ball between her fingertips.

Of course, she wanted a more concrete apology, I thought.

Normally, that kind of manipulation would have gotten my monstrous
hackles up, but for today, at least, she was right to feel as she did. It was
natural that she would be angry with me after what I had done.

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However, apologizing felt less natural. It was not something that I
could do during the day. And so, I stood up straight, bowing down my large,
monstrous head towards her.

“I’m sorry.”

“O…kay?”
She was acting even more bewildered. Her eyes were big and round,
like a child’s. Goggling at me as she was, she looked almost stupid.

“Um…”
I began to speak and then closed my mouth. Where had my courage
gone?
Hardly ever in my life had I done something with ill intent. Even fewer
times had I needed to apologize to someone for doing so. Most rarely of all
had I been the sole perpetrator of the act.

All the more reason then, that I should apologize.
It was bad, after all.

Bad.
Bad?
Which was bad?

“About today…” I said and then trailed off.
Which was worse?
The thing that I had done today? Or what I did day in and day out?

The explicit bullying? Or the implicit?
Motoda and Nakagawa-san, or me?

Yano-san or the rest of us?
“I’m sorry for stepping on your present for Noto-sensei.”
So many other words, other questions ran through my head, but I
offered her the words I had already prepared as they were, not second-
guessing them. If I let myself overthink it, I would never say anything at all.

So, it was good that I was able to say it. Still, between my nerves and

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everything else, I had to avert my eyes. Realizing, however, that this made
my apology seem like a lie, I looked her properly in the face.

I saw it.

I took in the transformation of her face as she accepted my apology,
clearly, with my own eight eyes.

Her lips twitched.

Yano-san…

“Don’t a…pologize for things that…happen during the…day.”

…did not grin at me.

Her lips still pursed, the reply she gave me was one that I had heard
before.

Honestly, I had suspected that she might say such a thing, a prediction
which turned out correct. So, that was all right. The words, anyway.

What I had feared most was not her words, but her expression. I didn’t
know what I would do if I saw that face; that face that only I understood the
meaning of, that face that she showed towards those terrible people.

In the end, however, she had not made that face.

So, that should have been just fine too, and yet…

“You aren’t…going to smile?” For some reason, these needless words
came spilling from my jagged mouth.

“Hm…hmm?”

“Even after what I did?”

There was no reason for me to ask her such a question, no reason for
me to put my own head on the chopping block in that way, but even a
monster like me could not take back words I had already spoken.

Yano-san’s eyes opened wide. She clapped her hands theatrically,
saying, “Oh.”

And then, she smiled. It was a peculiar smile.

But…not a smug one. It was a real, natural smile.

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“Acchi-kun, I’m not…afraid of you.”
“Why not?”

There went my mouth, all on its own.
“Why not? Even after what I did to you?” I asked.

My voice reverberated curiously throughout the cavernous gym. The
trapped sounds and smells from the daytime all seemed to vanish.

“Why?”
Yano-san tilted her head, curiously.

Even I had no idea why I had asked this question.
“Be…cause…” she said, “You look at…me, Acchi-kun.”

I had asked this without a hint of sincerity. And yet, she had answered
me straight-on.

However, I did not understand the meaning of this reply. I truly did not
understand.

“Did you act…ually want me…”

Her words that followed rumbled through me like thunder.
“…to be afraid of you, Acchi…kun?”
…Ah.

“That’s…weird.”
She bounced the ball once. This time, it returned properly to her
fingertips. The sound of the ball striking the floor seemed to tear through the
very membrane of my heart.

Then I realized.
All of the true feelings that had been trapped inside that membrane
came pouring into my brain at once, and my body went numb with
realization.
Oh. Oh. I see.

I could not answer her question.

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It was not as though all the words had vanished from my head; it was
that the true answer to her question was something that I could never allow
anyone to see. As I listened to her, I finally realized that all this time I had
been mistaking the name of the thing that I had kept concealed inside my
heart.

I could not believe this revelation, but I no longer had the means to
dismiss it.

In the place within my heart that I thought held guilt, I ached, as
though pierced by a needle.

It was Yano-san’s words that had pierced me.

Right on the mark.

“Acchi…kun, you’re the weird one.”

“…”

“Just returning a…little something you…said to me on the rooftop, hee
hee.”

I wanted her to be afraid of me. Just as she had said.

The reason for this was simple. If she were afraid, then I wouldn’t have
to worry about her anymore. I wanted her to fear me, to hate me, to think that
I was an awful person. It would be so much easier if she could just cast me
aside, wouldn’t it? For her to rebuke me, to deny me, even after I had
wholeheartedly apologized. That would be so much simpler. I’m sure I had
believed that.

I couldn’t say that I didn’t still feel that way.

I was afraid that she would continue seeking my aid. I had so
carelessly, readily, come here to apologize, had I not?

Surely, there was some part of me that was still convinced that what I
had done today was right.

The name of that tarnished spot I had found within my soul… I don’t
believe that its name was truly “guilt.”

“Oh…or…”

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Surely not knowing the darkness of my heart, she pointed at me, her
neck crooked strangely. “Are you…afraid of your…self, Acchi-kun?”

“…Huh?”

“It’s o…kay, don’t be a…fraid,” she said, in a Nausicaa-like quote,
grinning not smugly but flippantly. When I didn’t reply, however, she tilted
her head the other way and asked again, “Am I wrong?”

I said nothing.

“Well…then, could it…be…”

She pointed now not at me, but at herself.

“You’re a…fraid of… me?”

Out of the whole rapid-fire volley of her questions, that was the only
one I could nod in reply to.

With my simple nod, a sour look came naturally over her face. She
recoiled, a perfectly normal reaction.

“But…why? I haven’t done anything bad to…you.”

No, she hadn’t. She was awkward, and strange, and slow on the uptake,
but she had done nothing cruel to me. What I feared about her was not as
pure and simple a reason as that.

“…Because I don’t understand,” I said.

“Under…stand what?”

I believe I was trying to feign innocence here, craftily showing her
only what could readily be seen on my sleeve, not wanting her to see the true
darkness inside of me.

Still, I told her the truth, the truth I always carried.

“Because you’re so different from me that I don’t understand what
you’re thinking.”

So there’s no point in even worrying about this, I wanted to say.

“Huh? But isn’t it…normal to be…different?”

She didn’t sound as though she was belittling me.

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“To not know…what someone else is…thin…king?”

Yano-san furrowed her brow, as though she did not understand what I
was saying or thinking at all. That was the face—the face I was afraid of. The
face where she didn’t try at all to conceal her lack of comprehension.

“In that case, then…who do you stand with, Acchi…kun?”

Who? Various faces passed through my mind. She held her hand out in
front of her face and bent her thumb.

“The in…secure, useless…girl who doesn’t ac…tually look down on
anyone but still pretends she…enjoys bullying?”

Who was she talking about?

Then she bent her forefinger.

“The smart…boy who’s always play…ing around, who al…ways
knows how to…act, what the people around him will…do?”

Who was she talking about?

Then she bent her middle finger.

“Our stupid classmates who feel res…ponsible for taking revenge on
be…half of someone who got into a fight and had something…ter…rible
done to them by a former friend and…can’t bother making up with them,
only ever nodding at every…one?”

Just who the hell was she talking about?

Finally, she bent her ring and pinky finger down together and squeezed
them all tight, pointing that fist at me.

“Me, you…and all of them, we’re…all different. It’s normal to be…
different. So there’s…no reason why you should understand what I’m…
thinking.”

“…”

“And even…so, you’re afraid of…me?”

This time, I could not nod. What she said was completely off the mark
of what I had tried to convey. At the same time, part of me thought that
maybe what she said was true.

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As I puzzled over this, her expression changed.
Her eyebrows lowered, and the corners of her mouth rose, just a little.
It was not her usual broad, smug grin, but it was still a false, constructed
smile. An expression that concealed her true feelings, to an unnatural degree.
“That’s so…sad,” she said.
That moment, a shrill chiming rang from Yano-san’s pocket.
When we parted at the gates, the words, “See you tomorrow,” passed
from neither of our lips.

***

As soon as I was alone, I began to run, recklessly. There was no need
to, but I could not sit still, and so I ran. Before I knew it, I ended up high in
the murky mountains. I slipped through the trees, passing by wild animals,
and came out on the bank of a river. The rain poured down on my body, all
the thoughts gone from my head.

In this form, I never grew cold. I was not cold, but I felt myself
shivering, deep down inside. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, but the
trembling would not go away.

Sad. Sad. That’s so…sad.
I couldn’t get her smiling face out of my head.
I had accomplished what I set out to do that night. I had apologized.
And I believed that she forgave me. That should have been a good thing.
And yet, I was shivering.
Yano-san had said it was sad that I was afraid of her.
The bullying, the fact that things had become so bad for her, that I had
stepped on her precious birthday present, those things were not sad.
She said that it was sad that I was afraid.
I wasn’t so stupid as to have no idea what she meant, once I thought
about it. If someone was afraid of me, wouldn’t I be sad? If someone wanted

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me to stay away from them, wouldn’t I be sad? It wasn’t so hard to imagine.

Especially if it was someone that I believed in.

Someone who, even if it wasn’t the whole of them, there was at least
some part I could believe in.

I’m sure that Yano-san probably believed in me.

No, not in my normal self. She believed in the me who would come all
the way to the school at night to apologize, even after having done such a
terrible thing.

So she had asked which was the real me—my day self, or my nighttime
self. Surely, she hoped that my night self was my true self, which meant that
the one who apologized to her was the real one, and the one who had done
that awful deed was a fake.

But that wasn’t the truth.

I didn’t feel an ounce of guilt.

As I walked along the riverside, I saw two creatures before me: one
great, one small. Thinking that I might be witnessing a hunt, I let out a roar,
and both animals fled in separate directions.

And then I thought of Yano-san, who had stood her ground both before
a larger classmate and before a monster.

Just what exactly had I hoped to accomplish in apologizing? Did I
intend to apologize and then do the same thing tomorrow if something else of
hers landed in front of my feet again? Did I hope to say sorry, even though I
would ignore her again tomorrow?

I was trying to create some point of compromise, all on my own.

I had hoped to apologize for my sake alone, so that I could pretend to
be a kind person. So that I could pretend to be a model student.

“…I’m sorry.”

I don’t know who I was apologizing to, all alone there in that darkness.
All I knew was that I was a far more hideous creature than the people who
bullied Yano-san outright. The beast that hunted those weaker than itself in
order to extend its own life was the most honest. The people who attacked

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those that they did not like, who made their stances clear, were the most
transparent.

I abruptly looked down at my six feet as they crept along the ground.
The black droplets skittered around the dirt, like countless tiny insects
bringing their bodies together to form a living being. The longer I looked at
it, the more repulsive it was.

Which was it?

Yano-san had surely been waiting for me. For me to come and see her
during midnight break. For me, who, even if only at night, was like a friend
to her. For me, who saw something in her.

For me, the monster.

She had waited for me, in this terrifying form of mine.

She had been deceived. I was a horrible creature.

I climbed the mountain, my eight eyes reflecting the pure darkness, my
four tails swaying behind me. My field of vision, wider than that of any other
living thing, was already so immersed in my own thoughts that I could not
see the animals that cut across my path, nor the great trees rooted in the rock,
nor the little flowers blooming quietly on the mountaintop.

Which was it?

Was it my form at night—a form of gathered black drops, sprouting six
legs and eight goggling eyes? Was it my form during the day, my human
form, which took part in bullying just to fit in? Or was it the tainted thing that
nested inside of me, that always had, which had grown so large now as to
consume the me that Yano-san had believed in?

Which one was it?

What truly was a monster?

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Tuesday
Day

BEFORE I KNEW IT, morning came.

My head felt heavy. I had let myself get soaked for so long in that form
I had probably caught a cold.

My body felt sluggish, and the thought that I should stay home from
school today flickered through my hazy head—but it was only a flicker. I
descended to the first floor and ate the breakfast that my mother had
prepared. I had only one piece of toast this morning.

Though it only occurred to me partway through changing into my
uniform, I decided not to bother taking my temperature. Seeing it in numbers
was sure to be disheartening.

Feeling my body’s weakness reinforced the conviction that I was in
fact stuck with this body. It was the opposite feeling of when I was flying
through the skies at night. With the atmosphere and the sounds around, I
could make believe that I was an entirely different existence from myself. Of
course, just because I could didn’t mean that I should.

When I stepped outside, it was no longer raining. However, I decided
to walk.

Step by step, I walked the exact same path that I had yesterday. It was
the same path that I had walked and biked countless times, but for the briefest
of moments, it felt different than how it usually did. It must’ve been because
of this cold or whatever.

I walked along with my head lowered, gazing at the puddles, when I
suddenly saw a small pair of sneakers ahead of me.

“Mornin’!”

Before I could lift my eyes, I heard a girl’s voice. The word alone was
enough for me to distinguish who it was, but I was still surprised.

“Oh, mornin’. Weird seein’ you here, Kudou.”

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I meant on this route to school. There were three main routes along
which students typically commuted to our school, but Kudou lived along the
northern path.

After laughing in her cheerful voice, she said, “Well, y’know.” Even
wrapped up in whatever heaviness had overtaken me, I had to laugh at the
half-hearted answer.

“Well, y’know, what?” I asked.

“I stayed over at my sister’s house, and she was gonna drive me to
school, but I figured people would make fun of me since I usually ride my
bike in, so I had her drop me off.”

“Huh.”

I was surprised to hear that Kudou, who seemed to be relatively
enmeshed with the more athletic groups, was afraid of a thing like that, but I
didn’t say so out loud.

“Your sis used to be strongest member ever of the kendo club back in
the day, yeah?”

“Yeah! There’s a lot of pressure on me.”

Kudou stuck out her tongue. She was a strong one. She could always
make complaints or talk about things she hated with a smile. “Keep it up,” I
said, offering my heartfelt encouragement to the girl who always brightened
my day. She returned a firm nod and a smile that showed her crooked teeth.

As I watched her nod, I suddenly thought—this cold or whatever was
definitely doing my head in.

Which one was it? I thought again.

“Say Acchi, that reminds me…”

“Hm?”

Which one was it?

Kudou, who always tried to enjoy life to the fullest, always cheerfully
looked after her juniors.

“You seem like you’ve been pretty down lately. Everything okay?”

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Kudou, who would suddenly throw a drink carton at the back of a
classmate’s head in the middle of a conversation without hesitation.

“Seriously? I’m totally fine.”

Which one was the real Kudou?

“That’s good then. Seriously though, if anything’s bothering you, you
can tell me. I sit right next to you, after all.”

“I mean, it’s really nothing,” I said.

I couldn’t tell her that I might be a monster.

“Really?”

“…Hmm, I have been wondering if I should start getting serious about
test prep.”

“Whoa!”

I spun around, my hand to my head, as Kudou stopped walking and
raised her voice in surprise.

“What?” I asked.

“No, I mean, it’s just, I knew you were a serious guy, but wow.”

Serious, she said. I put up my guard, thinking that I was being
ridiculed…but I was wrong.

“I really need to start thinking about that, too. I’m not good enough at
kendo to get into high school on just that. I need to follow your lead, Acchi.
In exchange, I’ll give you some of my chill!”

“Yeah, no thanks.”

“Ahaha!”

She raised her voice in laughter. Honestly, that carefree nature of hers
had saved me time and time again, and now, I felt that it might perhaps help
me out again. I thought that, maybe I could ask Kudou—who never made fun
of me for being serious, never made fun of people for being different from
her. Even if the question itself was most certainly a strange one.

Still, I believed in Kudou.

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“Now that you mention it, something else is kinda bothering me,” I
said in a breath.

Kudou quickly molded her face into a more serious expression.

“Oh, sure. Let’s hear it.”

“So, when you’re with your teammates in the kendo club, and with the
people in our class, and…you have a boyfriend now, don’t you?”

“N-no, no way,” she stammered.

“Well then, I guess when you were with your boyfriend before. Which
of those times did you feel like the real you?”

“Uh, erm, well, I uh…” She hopped over a puddle. I walked around it.
“I guess when I’m with you…and the others. When I’m with my club, I have
to act properly as a third year, and when I was dating an older guy I was
always on my toes.”

“I see. Sorry for asking something so weird.”

“Nah, it’s fine.”

She really didn’t seem to mind the question; I was relieved. And then I
began to fret, hearing that she knew exactly which one was her true self. Was
everyone else like that, too? Was I the only one who didn’t know?

Also, if that was true, then I wanted to know how bullying Yano-san fit
in with that, but I was not about to push that far.

Until we arrived at school, I talked with Kudou about frivolous things,
as always. It was a time when I didn’t have to think about our class’s
shunning, or bullying, or revenge, or anything.

I thought the whole time about what Kudou had said, but I found no
answer.

As we approached the school gates, there were suddenly more people
around, and I saw Kasai in the midst of it, mouth open wide in a yawn. He
noticed us as well and waved. Kudou and I waved back.

Then, Kudou suddenly sighed.

“I really am useless.”

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“At what?”

“Oh, uh, nothing.”

She blushed uncharacteristically and covered her mouth as though she
had spoken unconsciously or something. Despite my curiosity, I wasn’t about
to follow up. I didn’t think she was useless, after all.

Kasai waited for us in front of the gates.

“Mornin’! You two always walk to school together?”

“Morning! I had my big sis drop me off nearby, and I met up with
Acchi along the way.”

Perhaps unable to stand how bored Kasai seemed as he grinned and
gave empty responses, Kudou quickly changed the subject.

“It’s nice that the rain stopped,” she said.

We all crossed the school gates at our various paces, smiling at
Kudou’s appropriately put words.

Thus began another perfectly normal day of junior high school life.

I turned Kudou’s words over again and again in my head.

The one who was truly useless was me, I thought.

Kudou lived her life every day, knowing exactly who she was, but I
was different. Today I had come here yet again, knowing nothing at all, even
though I was consumed with questions both night and day.

Surely, I should have decided by now.

Decided what, I don’t know. But I felt that I should have decided
something before coming here today.

And yet, here I was, beginning my day in the same way that I always
did—still unable to even clearly say who I was and where I stood amongst
our class.

At the shoe boxes, I changed into my indoor shoes—shoes that weren’t
soaked, weren’t vandalized—and headed up the stairs alongside my
classmates, who, unlike me, were not so cowardly.

I walked down the hallway, entered the classroom, and took my seat.

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Just as I had hundreds of times before. In the classroom, there were people
who called out to me with a smile, people who were caught up in chattering
about last night’s TV programs, and people who were asleep facedown on
their desks.

There was a monster sitting right here.

A liar, sitting right here.

And not one of them realized it.

None of them could tell my true form at a glance. Even I did not know
what that was, after all. I still had yet to decide.

“Good…morning.”

I still hadn’t decided anything. Yet, there was that familiar odd voice.

I lifted my head, and as always, looked at her out of the corner of my
eye. Yano had entered the classroom through the front door, a self-satisfied
grin on her face. Naturally, no one replied. A chill filled the room.

If only I could bring myself not to care about her, I thought. But trying
not to care about her might mean exactly the same as caring about her.

Always.

As she greeted the classmates who she knew would just ignore her,
Yano, as always, grinned smugly. I was the only one who knew there was
more to it, that she wasn’t just messed up.

I was the only one who knew that she did it because she was afraid.

Every morning, she smiled because she was afraid of something.
Despite all that she had done.

Wasn’t all this because she purposely made everyone so aware of her?
Wasn’t it because she took the time to speak to the people who bullied her?
Wasn’t it because of all her peculiar quirks and deeds? This was purely
hypothetical, but all she had to do to alleviate the situation was to stop acting
this way.

In other words, perhaps all of the day-to-day bullying was not the
biggest source of her fear.

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Perhaps it was even simpler than that. The answer wasn’t that it was
because she was the class whipping girl or because she was her own strange
self.

It was a fear so simple that anyone could grasp it.

Perhaps what she feared most was that she would be ignored again
today.

I saw each of Yano’s steps as if in slow motion, as if sped up. Of
course, truthfully, it was neither. She walked as she always did, her limbs
swaying, with our classmates occasionally recoiling in fear of rubbing sleeves
with her.

All of my thoughts and emotions that had floated up throughout the
night began to swirl within my mind.

I should have decided something before I met her again today.

I should have chosen something before I arrived.

Such as, who I was.

Such as, what a monster was.

Such as, what attitude I ought to take towards Yano.

Such as, what my true place was within this class.

If I hadn’t decided, then all I had done last night had been for the sake
of no one. I wouldn’t have such worries if I just came to a decision, I thought.

And yet, I had thought the whole night through, and chosen nothing,
decided nothing.

There was also the choice to think nothing at all. But I hadn’t even
decided whether I should do that.

I really, truly, had not decided anything at all. And yet…

“Good…morning.”

The voice wove itself through the cracks between everyone in the
room, resounding. It was a strange greeting, the voice wavering, the tone
peculiar.

We were sensitive to these things. Our eyes and ears were sharper than

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the adults even realized, so that we could always spot things weaker than us,
bad things. It never took us long to spot the odd one out.

I’m sure that everyone in the room heard that strange greeting. The
flow of time soon returned to normal in the classroom, perhaps because it
was typical if it was Yano who was that odd man out.

I don’t think anyone actually realized who had spoken, nor who the
words had been directed to.

Even I didn’t know.

I have no idea why I would do such a thing, since I hadn’t decided
anything.

Only Yano, who was always grinning, looked right at me with surprise
on her face.

She looked straight at me; the human, the monster.

She saw Acchi.

I swallowed thickly.

She was the only one who knew both of them.

She was the only one who knew both of my horrible forms.

And yet she did not avert her eyes one bit.

She regarded me wholly, as Acchi, with those two great big eyes.

She saw both sides of me.

The moment I realized that, I moved my mouth once more.

“Good morning.”

The second time this greeting was spoken, everyone, including me,
realized just who had said it and who the words were directed towards.

Yano knew as well. The greeting had reached her. I knew that it had
from her lazy smile.

It wasn’t her normal grin. The corners of her mouth were raised only
slightly—a natural, unforced smile. Perhaps I was the only one who realized:
this was her true smile.

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“You finally found your…way,” she said, her voice excessively loud. I
didn’t reproach her for it.

I thought about what I was doing.

Was I a traitor to our shared unity? Had I defected to Yano’s side? I
sifted through a lot of possible conclusions, but I really did not think it was
all that serious. Finally, Yano had said, but I think even that was overstating
it.

It was just a greeting. Nothing more than a simple greeting. That was
something that either version of me could accomplish.

And yet…

“What gives?” asked Yano, tilting her short neck.

I thought she was asking me why I had decided to return her greeting
today. Still, a greeting wasn’t something that should arouse any suspicion.

I tried to answer, to convey that to her, my lips quivering so violently
that even I could feel it, but that was wrong.

“Acchi-kun, why…are you crying?”

It was only when she said it that I noticed. My vision had gone hazy,
and my throat felt tight. Something was running down my cheeks.

What was this? I didn’t understand. Why should I be crying? I wasn’t
sad or anything.

Quickly, I wiped my face on my sleeve.

“Acchi, what’s going on?” I heard Kudou ask from the seat beside me.

Somehow, I doubted that her concern was directed towards my tears.

She probably believed that I had gone off course. If that was what she
thought, though, then I’m sorry to say it, but she was wrong.

The part of me that believed that Yano was strange was still there. The
way she had treated Midorikawa, what she had done to Iguchi, that behavior
was still twisted, still wrong. I could not abandon the part of me who believed
that.

But I had finally come to realize that another me had been here all

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along as well. The me who thought that Yano might not be an entirely bad
person. The me who couldn’t believe that it was all right to bully a girl who
loved talking about the music, manga, and movies she enjoyed. That me had
been here all along, and not only at night.

I hadn’t decided anything.

Even after thinking the whole night through, I was unable to choose a
single course.

But I knew now, I realized, that both of my selves were reflected in
Yano’s eyes.

The me of the night, who could not ignore Yano-san.

The me of the day, who did not want to be hated.

Neither of them was a good person.

And so neither me could save you.

But I could at least hear your voice and return it in kind.

That was something that either side of me could do.

Perhaps it was strange, perhaps it was incomprehensible.

Perhaps it was even a little messed up.

But if just talking to someone was messed up, then I’d lost my way a
while ago.

I’d been living my life without knowing which direction each side of
me would lean, and when. I had reached the limit of what I could do while
living in that indecision.

Ah—I could see now. I was always one step behind Yano in figuring
these things out.

Now I knew the reason for my tears.

I had finally found my way.

And so I told Kudou, “Nothing’s going on.”

That reply might have sounded to Kudou like a definitive declaration, a
statement that I was allying myself with Yano. But it wasn’t. I was the same

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as I ever was. Last night, there had been something worrying me. This
morning I had run into Kudou, talked about it, and cheered up a bit. This was
perfectly in line with the normal everyday existence that I always lived.

Of course, I knew that my classmates would not accept someone as
indecisive as me so simply. I couldn’t forget what had happened to Iguchi,
once her half-hearted stance was revealed.

And yet, I had hope.

Hope that one day, they all might realize it, too.

It wasn’t a leap to imagine that they could be in the same spot. They
might be right there, within the pain of others. They might be mistaken in
believing that they knew exactly who they were. We might all be messed up,
each in our own different ways. We might not all have a defined place.

I had come to realize this.

And so, I knew that Kudou was different from me, as she responded in
her own messed-up way, scooting her desk away from mine and glaring at
me.

Her eyes looked like Nakagawa’s had when looking at Iguchi.

It was difficult to accept that.

I felt sadness, from the bottom of my heart.

When you’re suddenly in that person’s shoes, you can no longer
believe “That’s just the way things are.”

Realizing this for the first time shocked me all over again.

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