LilHOuse101 MuseumOfTheDead Pt 1-13-9-01

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001

Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001: Museum of the Dead
Part 1

By

Chris Nelling

09/01/13 11400 Robinwood Dr,
Hagerstown, MD 21742
240-500-2427
[email protected]

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001

BEGINNING ACT ONE:

1 FADE IN: EXT, MAIN CRYPT IN THE SMITHSTONIAN CEMETERY - LATE
NIGHT

Caption: "Two nights Ago"

PATRICK / THE GHOST enters the clearing but is seemingly
stopped by a force field a few steps in. He looks around,
then vaporizes. THE CARETAKER enters the clearing and walks
freely to the ramp leading to the crypt’s entrance.

CLOSE ON CRYPT’S ENTRANCE RAMP.

The Caretaker creeps up the entrance ramp and looks around.

CARETAKER
I can’t believe he riddled me into
this.

The caretaker pushes on the door but it doesn’t budge.

CARETAKER
Especially at night.

He pushes harder, straining.

CARETAKER
Never... should have... listened...

The caretaker leans back and takes a deep breath.

CARETAKER

I mean, what kind of man has skin
so pale?

The caretaker leans into the door, straining again, to open
it.

CARETAKER
Avoids... churches...

The door starts to give.

CARETAKER
C’mon, open.

The door opens, slightly. The caretaker steps back.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 2.

CARETAKER
And breaks a tooth opening a can of
tomato juice?

The caretaker rubs his hands together, then pushes against
the door again, until it opens all the way. He stumbles,
but regains his balance.

CARETAKER
Besides, what normal person pours
vodka over your cut finger...

The caretaker looks around then ducks into the mausoleum.

2 INT,MAIN CRYPT IN THE SMITHSTONIAN CEMETERY - LATE NIGHT

The caretaker sneaks to the back of the mausoleum and feels
along part of the back wall.

CARETAKER
makes a joke about bloody marys...

He kneels down to search a lower section of wall.

CARETAKER
And then drinks the vodka?

A shadow falls across the wall in front of The Caretaker. He
jumps to his feet and turns...

CARETAKER
Who’s there?

but it’s just a tree branch blowing in the wind outside.

CARETAKER
No one... I could have sworn I saw
his cape.

The caretaker kneels again...

CARETAKER
No, I never should have listened...

and crawls along the back wall, feeling the wall as he goes.

CARETAKER
I shouldn’t even be here. Even the
dead avoid this place, nowadays.

The caretaker stops crawling, sits up and pulls a notepad
out of his pocket. PATRICK’S BROOCH falls out of the
Caretaker’s pocket.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 3.

CARETAKER
Note to self...

He starts writing.

CARETAKER
It’s better to listen to the dead,
than to new found friends.

He replaces the notepad, and notices the brooch.

CARETAKER
Oh no you don’t, I need you to get
inside.

The Caretaker retrieves the brooch from the floor and starts
to look at it, but quickly clenches his fist around it
instead.

CARETAKER
Even the haunted key wants to get
away.

The caretaker starts to look at the brooch again, but
clenches his fist even tighter.

CARETAKER
I shouldn’t have listened to
V- Can’t even say his name.

The Caretaker opens his fist.

CARETAKER
I shouldn’t even have this...this
thing.

He looks at the brooch: The rectangular brooch has scalloped
edges; it holds Patrick’s portrait in the center and the
letter "P", with a circle around it, above the portrait.

CARETAKER
I bet you wish you hadn’t come here
too. I shouldn’t be following in
your footsteps.

A wolf howls nearby. SOUND OF WOLF HOWLING. The Caretaker
grasps the brooch tightly and jumps to his feet.

CARETAKER
What was that?

The Caretaker looks around nervously.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 4.

CARETAKER
That’s it. I’m getting out of
here, treasure or no treasure.

The caretaker faces the door and takes a hesitant step.

CARETAKER
It’s probably all a hoax, anyway;
Maybe, he just told me that to get
me out here alone, at night.

The caretaker places his hand (the one holding the brooch)
against the wall as he peers across the room and out the
door.

CARETAKER
Ved, you traitor. Key to a hidden
room, Bah!

His face brightens when the brooch touches a depression in
the wall; he turns to find a section of the heavy stone
moving upwards to reveale a passageway. SOUND OF GRINDING
STONE.

CARETAKER
It works! It’s true!

3 INT, SECRET PASSAGEWAY IN THE MAIN CRYPT - LATE AT NIGHT.

The Caretaker follows the passageway to another room with a
closed coffin.

CARETAKER
It’s all true. Veddy, my boy, I
take it back.

He opens the coffin, revealing a Ima’s skeleton, patched
with bits of remaining skin. She wears an archaically
styled, but expensive blue dress. Several pieces of gold
jewelry: IMA’S BROOCH, IMA’S NECKLACE, IMA’S EARRINGS and
IMA’S BRACELET, adorn her. The caretaker examines a button
on her dress: it is inscribed with capital "I" and "R". He
compares PATRICK’S BROOCH, in his hand to IMA’S BROOCH on
the body, they look the same, except for the "P" and the
"I".

CARETAKER
Just like he said it would be.

He pulls IMA’S BROOCH, IMA’S NECKLACE, IMA’S EARRINGS and
IMA’S BRACELET from her and puts them in his pocket.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 5.

CARETAKER
I don’t think you need these
anymore, dearest. Heh, heh.

The Caretaker retrieves IMA’S WEDDING RING from the same
pocket and starts to put it on her finger. A creaking noise
startles him (SOUND OF CREAKING) and he steps back, ring
still in hand. The coffin lid closes abruptly revealing
VLADIMIR GAUGHN, dressed in a black cloak, standing behind
the coffin with his hand out.

VLADIMIR
I’ll take that, if you please.

CARETAKER

You!

The Caretaker turns and runs for the opening back into the
mausoleum’s main room, as Vladimir pulls on a lever. At the
opening, the caretaker trips and looks up, as the wall falls
back into place. The caretaker closes his eyes.

FADE OUT

CUT TO CREDITS AND COMMERCIAL BREAK

4 FADE IN AND REPLAY:

The coffin lid closes revealing Vladimir Gaughn standing
behind the coffin, with his hand out.

VLADIMIR
I’ll take that, if you please.

CARETAKER

You!

The Caretaker turns and runs for the opening back into the
mausoleum’s main room, as Vladimir pulls on a lever. At the
opening, the caretaker trips and looks up, as the wall falls
back into place.

5 SMASH CUT TO: INT. LIVING ROOM (OLD APARTMENT) - EARLY
MORNING.

CLOSE ON BOX HITTING THE FLOOR / SOUND OF BOX HITTING FLOOR.

SHOT WIDENS TO INCLUDE PENNY KASE, JUSTIN KASE, THE TV AND
MOVING BOXES.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 6.

Penny stands over the box she just dropped, rubbing her
hands together and Justin places his box gently on top of a
nearby pile. The TV in the room broadcasts the morning news
and periodically the Kases’ cat, CALICO MOUSCHER, chases
SQUEAKIE / THE MOUSE around the room.

PENNY
Moving...Moving...MOVING...I HATE
MOVING!

JUSTIN
How do you know? We’ve never moved
before.

Calico Mouscher chases Squeaky / The Mouse between Penny and
Justin. The kids stare after the cat and mouse for a moment,
before continuing.

PENNY
I just know. And to a new school
yet. I’m gonna be a new kid.

JUSTIN
...and your point?

PENNY
Everyone picks on the new kid. Do
you know what that means?

JUSTIN
Just deserts?

Penny clenches her fist and turns towards Justin, but before
she can punch her brother, Squeaky / The Mouse bounces off
her shoulder, followed by The Calico Mouscher, almost
knocking her over.

PENNY
Grrr....Well at least we won’t have
to watch your goofy cat fail at
catching this mouse anymore!

JUSTIN
Mouscher doesn’t fail. She just
plays with Squeaky, that’s all.

PENNY
Well I hope she’s winning. She’s
been -

Penny makes quote signs with her fingers.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 7.

PENNY
- "playing" with it for as long as
I can remember. She’s as "buggy" as
your dog!

Penny slaps her own forhead.

PENNY
Buggy? Oh no, what if it’s infested
with termites?

JUSTIN
Huh? You mean infested with fleas?
Cats don’t get termites. I think -

PENNY
Not the cat!

JUSTIN
Well, the dog can’t get them,
termites eat wood, not metal.

PENNY
The new house! Try staying with me!

Justin rolls his eyes.

JUSTIN
Try staying coherent.

PENNY
Hey! Since when did you name the
mouse "Squeaky?"

Mouse and Mouscher jump atop the TV, both go sliding and a
vase falls to the floor, in front of the TV.

6 CLOSE ON TV

NEWSCASTER BOB
Any news on the big cemetery
disappearance, Bill?

PENNY (VO)
How can a grave yard disappear?

NEWSCASTER BILL
No, Bob. Once again, another
caretaker for the Smithstonian
Regional Cemetery has mysteriously
vanished.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 8.

NEWSCASTER BOB
That’s how many now, Bill? Six? In
how many years?

ANGLE ON JUSTIN.

Justin’s eyes grow larger, as he listens to the news cast.

7 DISSOLVE TO: FLASHBACK / JUSTIN’S IMAGINATION CLOUD
DISPLAYING THE INTERIOR OF THE MAIN CRYPT.

Caption: "Two nights Ago"

The CARETAKER struggles off the floor of the crypt. He looks
back at the now closed wall, which barely missed him.

NEWSCASTER BILL (VO)
Eight. In only three years, Bob.
And no one knows if it’s murder or
kidnapping -

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
- or eaten by monsters?

The Caretaker gets up and stumbles out of the crypt into the
CEMETERY.

8 EXT, MAIN CRYPT IN THE SMITHSTONIAN CEMETERY - LATE NIGHT

Outside, LUKE / THE WEREWOLF, in wolf form, mangles a
scarecrow. The Caretaker trips and rolls down the entrance
ramp. IMA’S BROOCH, falls out of The Caretaker’s pocket.

NEWSCASTER BILL (VO)
Ha, ha, Bob. You’re a big kidder.

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
You know, the cemetery supposedly
houses the bodies of a vampire, a
werewolf and other monsters.

The Werewolf leaps at the caretaker but trips on parts of
the scarecrow and only brushes him.

NEWSCASTER BILL (VO)
Well, I don’t know about all that,
but police have investigated the
house and found nothing.

Vladimir walks down the entrance way to the crypt. The
Caretaker backs towards the border between the clearing
around the crypt and the wooded cemetery beyond.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 9.

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
My vote’s on a deranged lunatic,
stalking the grounds,

Vladimir puts his hand out, again. The caretaker shakes his
head no, turns and runs into the wooded cemetery.

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
waiting for the next victim to
naively accept the caretaker post
and move into that terrible house.

Luke / The Werewolf chases the caretaker into the cemetery.

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
...but still they’ve found a
replacement?

Vladimir transforms into a BAT and joins the chase.

NEWSCASTER BILL (VO)
Yes, but don’t ask me how...you’d
have to be completely desperate -

DR. STEIN comes out of hiding from beside the crypt, kneels
and picks IMA’S BROOCH off the ground.

NEWSCASTER BOB (VO)
- or foolish -

Dr. Stein breaks the third wall and smiles. Patrick / The
Ghost glides up the entrance ramp behind Dr. Stein.

NEWSCASTER BILL (VO)
- to accept that job.

9 BACK TO PENNY AND JUSTIN, LIVING ROOM (OLD APARTMENT)

Justin’s eyes have now grown very large. Penny slaps Justin
on the shoulder.

PENNY
Well, I guess it could be worse...

Penny points to the TV.

PENNY
Dad could be getting a job there.

JUSTIN
You weren’t paying attention during
dinner last night, were you?

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 10.

10 EXT, CEMETERY - NEAR IMA’S TOMBSTONE - EARLY MORNING, STILL
DARK

Caption: "Two nights Ago"

The CARETAKER runs into IMA’S TOMBSTONE; he drops PATRICK’S
BROOCH, but continues running until he runs into THE
GARGOYLE and falls. Luke/The Werewolf leaps at him as he
rolls over, trying to get up.

11 INT, LIVING ROOM (OLD APARTMENT) - EARLY MORNING, STILL DARK

The Kases’ robotic dog, FRITZ L8R, enters the room;
Squeaky/The Mouse runs between Fritz’s legs, as Calico
Mouscher jumps over the dog.

PENNY
What’s that supposed to mean?

JUSTIN
Oh, nothing.

Penny makes a fist and shakes it at Justin.

PENNY
I said, "What did you mean by
that?"

JUSTIN
Um.. just that maybe you should pay
attention to our dinner
conversations.

FRITZ L8R
Latratus, Latratus, grr, Latro.

PENNY
I think your dog has slipped a
cog...or should I say he’s on the
fritz, again? What’s he trying to
say?

JUSTIN
Don’t listen to her, Fritzy. He’s
not broken; Latratus is Latin for
"bark." Like a dog barks.

FRITZ L8R
Latratus, latro scabrosus cortice.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 11.

JUSTIN
And "scabrosus" means rough, and
"cortice" is Latin for "Tree Bark."
Get it? Rough bark!

PENNY
You’re making that up...the dog
can’t speak Latin.

JUSTIN
He’s different from other dogs...I
didn’t want him to feel awkward
since he’s a -

Justin puts his fingers over Fritz’s ears.

JUSTIN (UNDER HIS BREATH)
- robot.

Justin removes his fingers from Fritz’s ears.

JUSTIN (LOUDER)
So I programmed him to think he’s
from ancient Rome, that way, being
different won’t be a problem.

In the background, unseen by Penny and Justin, The Calico
Mouscher places Squeaky/The Mouse in Penny’s book bag and
zips it closed with her mouth.

PENNY
Latin? Why Latin? Why not a real
? One people have heard of? Like
German? or something close to a
real language? Like French?

JUSTIN
Because French and German are still
spoken, what if he ran into someone
who speaks French? Then he’d know
he wasn’t...Anyway Latin’s a dead
language, he won’t run into anyone
who speaks it.

PENNY
A dead language? That means when
your dog barks at a burglar, they
won’t understand him! The only
people you’re "watchdog" can
protect us from are dead people and
ghosts!

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 12.

JUSTIN
Yeah, well...that might come in
handy before long.

PENNY
There you go again. What do you
mean by that?

DAD / NICK L. KASE enters the room.

CAMERA FAVORING FRITZ L8R STANDING NEXT TO PENNY’S BOOKBAG

Squeaky/The Mouse sticks his head out of Penny’s book bag
and watches Fritz’s wagging tail. Penny reaches for her book
bag; the mouse ducks his head inside, just before she grabs
the bag.

PENNY
I said, "What do you..."

DAD / NICK
I’ll take you guys to school. On
the way, we can swing by the
cemetery and check out our new
house.

Fritz’s tail stops wagging and droops as Nick speaks.

12 EXT, CEMETERY - NEAR GARGOYLE’S LAIR - EARLY MORNING, STILL
DARK

Caption: "Two nights Ago"

The CARETAKER sprays Luke/The Werewolf with mace, until it
runs out. He drops the mace and tries to run , but THE
GARGOYLE holds him by the collar. The bat flies into view,
followed by several GIANT MOSQUITOES. The bat turns into
Vladimir Gaughn and approaches The Caretaker.

VLADIMIR
You have something that belongs to
me.

CARETAKER
It’s not yours! It belongs to -

Vladimir shakes his head "no" and approaches the caretaker
with his hand out. The caretaker pulls the ring from his
pocket and quickly swallows it.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 13.

VLADIMIR
Fair enough...

Vladimir turns to the Giant Mosquitoes.

VLADIMIR
He is yours my pets. Feed lightly
though, he must last us a couple of
days. And of course, save some for
me.

The giant mosquitoes dive at the caretaker.

CLOSE ON CARETAKER’S MOUTH

CARETAKER
NNNOOOOOO!

13 SMASH CUT TO EXT, FRONT OF THE CHURCH WHICH SITS BESIDE THE
KASE’S NEW HOUSE - MORNING, STILL DARK

OPEN SCENE WITH CAMERA CLOSE ON ANDRE’S MOUTH: THE
CARETAKER’S "NO" FROM ABOVE SHOULD MERGE WITH ANDRE’S "NO"
BELOW.

ANDRE
...NNNOOOOO -

SHOT WIDENS TO SHOW JOFFEE, COLTON, CLAUDE AND ANDRE
STANDING AROUND JIMMY KUHL.

They stand on the sidewalk, facing a decrepit old church.

ANDRE
- OOOOOO way I’d ever step foot in
that place.

COLTON
Jimmy will do it, his brother is
the coolest guy in school.

JOFFEE
You guys know that church and the
house...heck, the whole cemetery is
supposed to be haunted.

Colton slaps Jimmy on the shoulder.

COLTON
...And that’s why no one’s brave
enough to stay there but you,
Jimbo.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 14.

ANDRE
Yeah, the last person to try was
never seen again.

CLAUDE
You mean the last two, I mean
three...

ANDRE
...a whole bunch of people...

JOFFEE
He can’t do this guys -

COLTON
He has to -

CLAUDE
- to carry on the Kuhl family
tradition.

JOFFEE
C’mon guys... Colton?

COLTON
Well, if he wants a reputation as a
cool Kuhl dude.

A green light flickers in the top floor window of the house
next door; Jimmy turns to look, but the light goes out.

JOFFEE
What if he sees a ghost?

ANDRE
You mean a spectre.

JOFFEE

Huh?

ANDRE
A spectre. Ghosts haunt regular
houses. Undead that haunt holy
ground are called spectres.

JOFFEE
Semantics.

CLAUDE
Semant-who?

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 15.

JOFFEE
Semantics - You say "TomAto"; I say
"tomato"

Jimmy turns away from the window next door to face the
others.

JIMMY
No. Semantics - You say "TomAto"; I
say "Yuck!"

CLAUDE
I heard that!

Claude "high 5’s" Jimmy.

14 CUT TO: INT, CAR - MORNING, STILL DARK

Penny and Justin sit in the backseat; Justin’s head leans
against the window.

DAD / NICK
...so because of the town’s name,
the cemetery kept getting bodies
meant for actual museums.

PENNY
The town’s name?

DAD / NICK
"Smithstonian." Get it?

PENNY
No, I don’t get it. And I don’t GET
why we have to move to this crummy
house.

DAD / NICK
This LOVELY house, you mean. In
fact, when the local train station
brought in tourists on a regular
basis, the house also served as a
small but upscale hotel: The Stay
Tootin’ Bed and Breakfast. Get it?
Trains toot.

PENNY
Oh brother.

Justin jerks awake.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 16.

JUSTIN

Huh?

PENNY
I didn’t mean you.

DAD / NICK
Anyway, about 100 years ago, the
town renamed the cemetery "Museum
of the Dead," as a joke.

JUSTIN
See Penny, you don’t have to be
embarrassed by living in the
cemetery or dad working there.

PENNY
Don’t you start.

JUSTIN
Now you can say we live in the
Smithstonian Inn, Stay Tootin’ and
dad works at the museum.

PENNY
This is crazy.

DAD / NICK
Yeah, neat, huh?

PENNY
No, I mean crazy to do
this...moving, getting a new job,
this new house. It’s all crazy, we
should just go back home.

JUSTIN
The news said something about a
vampire and a werewolf.

DAD / NICK
Right! And a caveman, an Egyptian
mummy and... what else? Oh yeah, a
zombie, and the witch doctor who
zombified him. All of them kept in
an above ground crypt, until the
rightful owners claim them.

JUSTIN
A real vampire?

Penny gently elbows her brother’s arm.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 17.

PENNY
Hey, you know dad, vampires can be
dangerous; maybe we shouldn’t move
after all.

DAD / NICK
Superstitious nonsense. Besides,
both the vampire and the werewolf
bodies disappeared three years ago.
They aren’t around anymore, so
there’s nothing to be afraid of.

JUSTIN
Wait, did you say three years ago?

Dad / Nick winks at Justin in the mirror.

DAD / NICK
Three whole years! So they’re long
gone by now. Penny, don’t you worry
about it.

15 EXT, CEMETERY BUT IN VIEW OF THE NEW HOUSE - EARLY MORNING
(STILL DARK)

Caption: "Earlier this morning"

Vladimir shoves a rolled up carpet, with feet sticking out
of the end, into the "mouth" of one of the NEPENTHES PITCHER
PLANTS. Several of the giant mosquitoes surround Vladimir.
Luke, still in wolf form, stands behind him.

VLADIMIR
Back my pets, these monstrosities
forget to tell friend from foe when
they are hungry. The doctor’s
insurance, I suppose.

A nearby VENUS FLYTRAP snatches one of the "skeeters" out of
the air when it flies too close to the caretaker’s foot. The
remaining "skeeters" buzz close to Vladimir, who swats the
Venus Flytrap away. SOUND OF BUZZING.

VLADIMIR
Yes, I still hunger as well, but
this nearly famine diet is
necessary. I warned you not to
feast too much or too fast; he
could have lasted us more than a
day.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 18.

The mosquitoes buzz louder and face in unison towards the
plant, as it devours the carpet. Luke (in wolf form)
glances briefly over his shoulder.

VLADIMIR
Alas, this one has served his
purpose. With luck, the next
caretaker will be thoughtful enough
to provide additional nourishment.

Vladimir turns to Luke/The Werewolf.

VLADIMIR
Besides the wedding ring in his
belly, our faithfully departed had
only an earring in his pocket. We
must find the other pieces...

Luke turns to the brightening horizon.

LUKE / THE WEREWOLF
Arooooh?

Vlad follows Luke’s gaze, then turns back.

VLADIMIR
No searching this morning, I
know. We must be away. And I must
placate my roommate and alleviate
the excitement concerning her loss.

Vladimir turns into a bat and flies off. Luke / The Werewolf
starts walking toward the house and church but is hit by a
sunbeam. Luke / The Werewolf rises on two legs, turns into
his human form and faints.

16 EXT, FRONT OF THE CHURCH- MORNING (JUST STARTING TO LIGHTEN)

Once again, the green light flickers in the window, of the
house next door; Jimmy turns back to it.

JOFFEE
It still doesn’t solve the
problem...What if Jimmy disappears?

COLTON
His name will go down in history.

ANDRE
He’ll be a legend.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 19.

CLAUDE

Cool.

ANDRE
No, Kuhl!

COLTON
Anyway, he’s not afraid...are you
Jimmy? Jimmy?

Colton turns to Jimmy.

COLTON
Whatcha lookin at?

JIMMY
I thought I saw Joffee’s semantics.

CLAUDE
Huh? You mean his tomato?

JIMMY
Maybe a glowing, green tomato.

ANDRE
See, he’s not afraid, or he
wouldn’t be goofing.

COLTON
You’re not afraid, are you Jimmy.

JIMMY
I fear nothing -

All the kids except Jimmy start walking away from the
church. Jimmy gulps, while glancing at the church.

JIMMY
...much.

CLAUDE
C’mon Jimmy, we’ll be late.

Jimmy hurries to catch up with the others. PROFESSOR WULF
walks out from between the house and church. He looks
around, then follows the kids. REVEREND THORNWILLOW peers
around the church corner at Professor Wulf, withdrawls
again. The Kases’ car pulls in close to where the kids were
standing, just as Professor Wulf walks out of sight.

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 20.

17 INT, CAR LOOKING AT EXT OF HOUSE - MORNING

DAD / NICK
There she is and she’s a beaut.

JUSTIN

Wow!

Penny gently elbows her brother, trying to persuade him to
play along.

PENNY
It even looks haunted...Oh boy, am
I mortified!

Justin turns to face Penny.

JUSTIN
Mortified? Do your friends know
you use that kind of language?

DAD / NICK
Now Punkin...

PENNY (UNDER HER BREATH, TO JUSTIN)
C’mon, act scared.

JUSTIN (LOUDLY)
I ain’t scared!

DAD / NICK
He’s right Penny, there’s nothing
to be afraid of.

DAD / NICK
Are you excited about the new
house, Justin?

Penny clenches her fist at Justin, who cringes from her.

PENNY
You’re about to become desperately
frightened.

Justin turns to Penny.

JUSTIN
Ok, maybe a little.

DAD / NICK
That’s the spirit, my boy. See
Penny, just try to be brave like
your little brother.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 21.

Penny moves to punch Justin just as DARING THE DRAGONFLY
flies toward the car window.

PENNY
You’re about to scream -
AAAAHHHHH!!

END ACT ONE.

FADE OUT:

CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK

BEGINNING ACT TWO:

18 INT, CAR LOOKING AT EXT OF HOUSE - MORNING

DAD / NICK
That’s the spirit, my boy. See
Penny, just try to be brave like
your little brother.

Penny moves to punch Justin just as DARING THE DRAGONFLY
flies towards the car window.

PENNY
You’re about to scream -
AAAAHHHHH!!

Daring flies over the car.

JUSTIN (UNDER HIS BREATH, TO PENNY)
Okay, okay. I’ll scream.

JUSTIN (LOUDER, BUT NOT AS LOUD AS PENNY
& OBVIOUSLY FAKED)

Um...Argh!

DAD / NICK
Justin, quit patronizing your
sister; What’s wrong, Punkin?

PENNY (IN A LOW VOICE TO JUSTIN)
D...D...D...Dragon!

JUSTIN (WHISPERING TO PENNY)
Dragon? Are you sure you want to go
with dragon? Dragons don’t live in
haunted houses.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 22.

PENNY
A...A...A monster just flew over
the car.

JUSTIN
Monster’s a little better, but I
think ghost would be better yet...
or werewolf, since one is supposed
to -

Daring (on the roof of the car) looks in through Justin’s
window (behind him, visible only to Penny).

PENNY
AAAAHHHH! Monster!

JUSTIN
Okay, Okay. We’ll go with monster.
I was just trying to help. A
monster. A monster.

DAD / NICK
Justin! You’re patronizing her
again. Penny, what’s this all
about?

PENNY
I saw it, again.

JUSTIN
Yeah...Right...I saw it, too...I
guess. The ghost, I mean monster.

DAD / NICK
What did it look like?

Justin & Penny speak nearly simultaneously:

JUSTIN
Well, lets see...I think it was
really big...

PENNY
B...B...Big; really big; giant...

JUSTIN
and...um...bright red with orange
eyes -

PENNY
Blue and those eyes...green and
yellow eyes -

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 23.

JUSTIN
It had horns. Yeah, that’s right!
Horns, and ooh, a tail.

PENNY
It had antennae on it’s
head...above it’s eyes...And wings
-

JUSTIN
And teeth, so many teeth you
couldn’t count them, fangs
even...fangs dripping -

PENNY
...and a big toothless beak; it
flew right over the car!

JUSTIN
Um...yeah, what she said.

Penny punches him.

JUSTIN (WHISPERING)
What? If you’re gonna pull
something like this, you have to
tell me in advance what you want me
to say.

DAD / NICK
Now you’re teasing her.

Dad / Nick turns around in his seat, to face Penny.

DAD / NICK
Where was it?

Penny points out Justin’s window, while Justin looks around
and then points in a random direction (but in a different
direction than Penny points).

DAD / NICK
Well, it’s not there now, which way
did it go?

Justin points in the direction that Penny last pointed;
Penny points at the house.

DAD / NICK
Look, I’ll go walk around the house
to show you there’s nothing to
worry about.

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 24.

Dad exits the car, Penny hits Justin with her book bag
causing the mouse to fly out (unseen by either Penny or
Justin) and hit the RADIO "ON" button.

19 CLOSE ON THE RADIO

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES
...State police have determined
that the car’s driver was under the
influence of toad secretions.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM
That’s so distasteful James. Our
last musical selection was the new
bluegrass hit, "Cast the First
Tombstone," by those rowdy folk
heroes, "The Yikelbergers." We’ll
have more music in a moment, but
for now, other breaking news, from
the town of Smithstonian. It
appears another cemetery caretaker
has vanished -

20 CUT TO: EXT, LITTLE HOUSE, FRONT WITH TREE AND BUSH IN VIEW

This scene overlaps with the radio announcers ==> showing
dad while the announcers’ voices below each action line are
voiced over.

Dad / Nick walks up to a statue, beside the porch stairs. He
lifts a covering off of the statue, revealing a hideous
face.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
- without his mace.

Daring peers around the left side of the house, but retreats
as Dad grimaces, drops the covering and steps back.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
You mean, "Without a trace?"

Dad / Nick walks up the porch steps to the left corner of
the house.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
No, he left a trace...it was an
empty can of mace.

Dad / Nick whistles and looks around nonchalantly, then
looks quickly around the corner, while daring watches him
from behind, hanging over the edge of the porch roof.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 25.

DAD / NICK (VO)
Gotcha! Hmmm?

No Daring.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
So the police suspect foul play?

Dad / Nick acts like he’s going to walk away, then quickly
looks around the corner again. Still, no Daring. He does
this twice more, once on tip-toes and once ducking. Then he
walks toward the other corner of the house. Daring flies
down to the wall and follows dad by walking on the wall.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
Sorry Jim, but I haven’t heard
anything about ducks being
involved...Although, the caretaker
may be hiding from the bill
collector.

Dad / Nick reaches the other corner. Spinning, he jumps
around the edge of the wall and points.

DAD / NICK

Aha!

Daring cranes his neck to see what Dad / Nick may be looking
at, then he flies up to the porch ceiling behind Dad / Nick,
looking where Dad is looking. Daring’s antennae form
question marks.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
No ducks, but possibly a werewolf.

Dad / Nick scratches his head, then starts walking down the
porch on the side of the house.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
Well, there was a foolish moon last
night.

Luke, in human form, looks out one of the windows of the
church next door, but pulls out of site when Dad turns and
walks that way. Daring flies and lands on the house wall,
out of sight.

DARING

Trill.

Daring flies over the porch roof.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 26.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
Don’t you mean a full moon?

Dad / Nick sticks his head through the bushes looking onto
the porch, while Daring hangs over the porch roof behind
him, looking over his shoulder.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
No, I mean a foolish moon. The
student is now in custody, but the
bus driver has declined to comment
on whether or not she will press
charges.

Daring exits up to the porch roof, as Dad / Nick steps onto
the porch and starts rooting through the bushes. Luke looks
out the church window again.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
Back to our cemetery story, I doubt
they will ever find a replacement
this time.

Daring climbs down one of the porch’s columns, as Luke ducks
out of sight again. Dad / Nick looks up and starts walking
toward the church, once more.

DARING sneezes. SOUND OF SNEEZING. The sneeze mucous lands
as a big green blob on the porch floor and Daring flies back
to the porch roof.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
Actually, I understand they have
someone slayed out, um laid out...I
mean, lined up.

Dad / Nick jumps through the bushes onto the porch, looking
around.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
Wow! Can you say ID - ten - T?

Dad / Nick scratches his head and starts walking toward the
porch steps and walkway that leads to the car.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
You said it, this guy has to be
absolutely desperate.

Dad / Nick slips in the green goo and flails his arms.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 27.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JIM (VO)
Yeah, I just hope he doesn’t bring
any kids into that place.

RADIO ANNOUNCER JAMES (VO)
Up next, another forty minute rock
block, including our next
selection, "Tasting Venom" by the
Toad Lickers.

21 INT, HALLWAY, SMITHSTONIAN SCHOOL - MORNING

Jimmy and Joffee walk down the hall to their first class.
When other students see them, they line up, chanting Jimmy’s
name.

STUDENT BODY
Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy!

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
What am I going to do?

JOFFEE
Tell them you won’t do it.

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Shhh! No way...Listen to them, they
worship me. Now, don’t talk so
loud, they’ll hear.

Joffee rolls his eyes.

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
They don’t worship you, they
worship an image... a false image,
at that.

JIMMY
Yeah, ain’t it great?

Joffee stops and points at Jimmy.

JOFFEE
Back out of this, now!

Jimmy looks around, frantically.

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
I said, "Don’t let them hear you."
I can’t back out, I’m finally
like...like my brother.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 28.

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
No, you aren’t. Your brother makes
his own decisions.

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
So, he’s still the king.

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
And you are?

NADINE runs up to Jimmy and gives him a hug and kiss on the
cheek.

NADINE
You Rock, Jimbo.

Jimmy turns to Joffee and smiles.

JIMMY
A prince.

JOFFEE
Fine. Then show them some authority
and change your mind.

JIMMY
I can’t.

JOFFEE
And why not Mr. Prince Cool? Or
should I call you, "Your Royal
Kuhlness"?

Jimmy stops and puffs himself up; he puts his hands on his
hips and his nose in the air.

JIMMY
Well, um...sometimes royalty needs
to gravely fulfill its obligations
to the people.

Joffee pats Jimmy’s belly.

JOFFEE
Oh, yeah? Well, you might just end
up as obligatory fill for a full
grave. Have you forgotten another
person has disappeared?

Jimmy deflates.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 29.

JIMMY
That’s right...What am I gonna do?

22 BACK TO RADIO, SHOT WIDENS ON CAR INTERIOR (AND PENNY AND
JUSTIN) AGAIN

Penny reaches between the front seats to turn off the
radio. Justin is lost in his daydream

PENNY
We’ve got to make sure dad doesn’t
take this job.

Justin snaps out of it and sits erect.

JUSTIN
I don’t believe in werewolves! I
mean...you’re right, we could be in
danger.

PENNY
Danger Schmanger. We’re gonna be
laughing stocks... What do you
mean, we’re in danger? You said
something like that before.

Justin rolls his eyes.

JUSTIN
You didn’t hear the radio just now?
Or the TV, earlier?

PENNY
So someone disappeared? So what?
That kind of thing happens a lot,
doesn’t it? And all over the place.
You hear it all the -

JUSTIN
Not just someone. Eight people...in
three years...and all at the same
cemetery. And they all lived in the
same house. Our new house!

Penny folds her arms and leans back.

PENNY
We’re gonna get laughed at, I just
know it.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 30.

JUSTIN
Are you listening? Eight
people...in three years!

23 CAMERA THROUGH CAR WINDOW TO EXT, LITTLE HOUSE, FRONT

Dad / Nick, sliding on the green goo from Daring’s sneeze,
slides off the porch and into a pile of leaves which
completely cover him. Daring peers over the edge of the
porch roof.

PENNY (VO)
That’s still not as bad as being
laughed at. And look on the bright
side, at least it wasn’t 20 people
this year -

JUSTIN (VO)
But 3 years, Penny! Dad said that
the Vampire and werewolf have been
missing for 3 years.

DARING
Chirps.

Daring flies to the tree.

PENNY (VO)
Vampires and werewolves? You’re
kidding, right?

Dad / Nick sticks his head up through the leaves and looks
at the porch roof.

JUSTIN (VO)
But the TV news mentioned them,
too.

Dad / Nick stands up and jumps, trying to see onto the porch
roof, but he falls back into the leaves.

PENNY (VO)
Oh, give me a break.

DARING

Trill.

Dad / Nick stands up again, and walks to the bush beside the
tree. Daring peers around the trunk and sticks his tongue
out behind Dad’s back.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 31.

DARING
Thrrrp!

Dad / Nick turns and walks around the tree, clockwise.
Daring stays on the exact opposite side of the trunk, from
Dad.

JUSTIN (VO)
Well, I don’t believe in them of
course...

PENNY (VO)
Of course...

Dad / Nick stops and quickly jumps and turns, trying to
catch Daring by surprise, but Daring has already switched
directions.

JUSTIN (VO)
I don’t!

Dad / Nick reverses directions to circle the tree,
counterclockwise; Daring climbs up into the first "Y" in the
trunk and watches him.

PENNY (VO)
Then, knock it off and help me
think of some -

JUSTIN (VO)
- but some lunatic might believe.
Maybe that’s what happened to the
bodies; some deranged guy stole
them and is also responsible for
the disappearances.

PENNY (VO)
Forget it! I’m not gonna start
talking vampires and werewolves;
I’m trying to avoid getting laughed
at here.

Daring looks around frantically, realizing that Dad isn’t
circling the tree anymore, until he sees Dad / Nick walking
up the walkway toward the car.

JUSTIN (VO)
Well, you’d better think up
something better than your silly
dragon.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 32.

DARING
Thhrrp.

Daring leaps into a bushy area of leaves, above the crook in
the tree trunk, as Dad / Nick turns toward the tree again.

PENNY (VO)
Now listen, I saw that dragon!

24 INT, WITCH’S HUT IN THE BOG NEAR THE CEMETERY - MORNING

GLENDA WINKELPLECK walks into the living room, yawning and
stretching. VEDKA GAUGHN, dressed in a black cape, stands,
hunched over, with his back to the camera, gasping. DO NOT
SHOW VEDKA’S FACE.

GLENDA
Screaming Martyrs, look what the
rat dragged in. Jerking me awake,
with a terrible din. Tearing
through the door like a rampaging
zoo, You barely outraced the
sunrise, didn’t you?

VEDKA
Mumbles something incoherent.

GLENDA
You’ve lost another caretaker, but
please don’t whine. I don’t want to
hear it, the fault isn’t mine.
Their blood gets replenished, as
long as they survive, Next time try
harder to keep him alive.

VEDKA
Mumbles something.

GLENDA
He became plant food, oh my, do
tell? At least someone around here
is eating well.

VEDKA
Mumbles something.

GLENDA
He’s gone, he’s fled. I’m off to
seek... Little ones these days,
they make them too meek.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 33.

VEDKA
Mumbles something incoherent.

25 BACK TO THE CAR INTERIOR WITH JUSTIN AND PENNY

In the background, through the car window, we can see Dad /
Nick circling the tree again. Daring occasionally sticks his
head down, out of the leaves to watch.

PENNY
Now listen, I saw that dragon!

JUSTIN (TURNING TOWARDS PENNY)
Yeah, sure, ok....Um, you sure it
wasn’t a bat?

PENNY
Bats don’t come out in the day
time...

Justin starts to speak.

PENNY
....and they aren’t blue...

Justin tries to say something.

PENNY
....and they don’t have green
eyes...

He tries again.

PENNY
....or antennae!

Justin starts to say something.

PENNY
....or wings, well, I guess they do
have wings, but not like these
wings. Wait a minute...a bat?
You’re trying to get me to talk
about vampires again, aren’t you?

Dad / Nick shrugs and starts walking toward the car (still
seen as background through the car window).

CLOSE ON TWOSOME (JUSTIN AND PENNY)

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 34.

JUSTIN
Well, um...

PENNY
Anyway, dad says, "It’s all just
nonsense."

JUSTIN
Dad said the dragon was nonsense.

Penny points at Justin.

PENNY
Now listen up! That dragon is real.
I saw it. I know it’s out there.
Dad will find it!

Dad / Nick gets into the car.

DAD / NICK
See Penny, there’s no dragon.

26 INT, LITTLE HOUSE, ATTIC - MORNING

GHOST POV:

The car drives off, followed by PROFESSOR WOLFE, on a
motorcycle, followed by Daring. The camera pans back to show
that we were seeing through the eyes of the ghost. PATRICK /
THE GHOST turns and glides out of view.

END ACT TWO:

FADE OUT:

CUT TO COMMERCIAL BREAK.

BEGINNING ACT THREE:

27 FADE IN: EXT, OLD SCHOOL - MORNING

WIDE ANGLE ON HALEY, COLLEEN AND MARYBETH, AS THE KASES’ CAR
PULLS UP BEHIND THEM.

Justin and Penny run up to HALEY, COLEEN and MARYBETH, who
are standing by the school entrance. Marybeth tosses a small
ball in the air and catches it.

HALEY
...and they found it all torn to
pieces.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 35.

COLEEN
...right in the cemetery too.

JUSTIN
You mean the caretaker’s body?

MARYBETH
No, a scarecrow missing from a
nearby field.

COLEEN
They’ll never find the caretaker

HALEY
...in one piece...

COLEEN
...or many.

MARYBETH (IN SINGING VOICE)
Gone for good.

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH
The worms crawl up, the worms crawl
down. The worms crawl over bodies
on the cemetery grounds. <giggles>

JUSTIN
So you think he’s -

HALEY
I think the vampire got him.

COLEEN
Or maybe it was the man eating
plant.

MARYBETH
I think he saw a ghost. But either
way, the caretaker’s replacement
must be really desperate to take
that job.

COLEEN
Yeah, what a sucker...right Penny?

PENNY

Um...

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 36.

28 INT. SMITHSTONIAN SCHOOL, HALLWAY - MORNING

JOFFEE
Have you forgotten another person
has disappeared?

JIMMY
Rat Kiesters...What am I gonna do?

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
You know what to do.

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Yeah, I know...but, how do I stay
the night, in the church, without
disappearing, too?

Joffee stops and slaps his own forehead.

JOFFEE
Are you nuts? That’s not what I
meant and you know it.

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
But, they’ll laugh at me.

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
What are you more afraid of? Them
laughing at you? Or you never
coming back again?

JIMMY (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Well...

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
That’s it. I’m ending this.

JOFFEE (OUT LOUD TO THE CROWD)
Jimmy can’t stay in the church this
weekend, he’s coming to my house
for a visit.

The chanting stops.

STUDENT BODY
AAAWWWWW!

NADINE
You Rot, James.

9/01/13

Chris Nelling Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 37.

29 EXT OLD SCHOOL - MORNING

JUSTIN
Why do you think it was a ghost or
a vampire? Maybe it was a dragon or
something.

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH
<laughter>

HALEY
Don’t be silly, dragons don’t live
in haunted houses; ghosts and
vampires though...

Justin turns to Penny.

JUSTIN
See, I told you...I still think you
saw a bat.

COLEEN
Told her what?

MARYBETH

A bat?

COLEEN

Where?

JUSTIN
She thought she saw a dragon, at
the haunted house, this morning.

HALEY (SUSPICIOUSLY)
Wait a minute, what were you two
doing at the haunted house this
morning?

PENNY
Um...um...um...

JUSTIN
We might live there now.

COLEEN
Don’t tell me, your dad is the
desparate sucker?

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH
Ewww! <laughter>

Penny grabs Justin and pulls him into the school, as the
other girls begin singing.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 38.

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH
The worms were mad, the worms were
vexed, but now they’re glad, Penny
Kase is next! <giggles>

Haley, Coleen and Marybeth walk toward the doors as they
finish. Marybeth tosses the ball up, one last time, and
Daring snatches it out of the air. The ball bursts in his
beak, and she looks up, just as crumbs and pieces fall on
her face.

30 CUT TO EXT, OLD SCHOOL, ROOF - MORNING

Daring lands on the roof and spits out pieces of the ball.
After the third spit, he looks at the camera & snarls.

31 INT. SMITHSTONIAN SCHOOL, HALLWAY - MORNING

JIMMY (TO THE CROWD)
Wait. Wait. Wait. I am going to
visit Joffee, but not till Saturday
morning. After I wake up in the
church.

STUDENT BODY
Cheers. <SOUND OF CHEERING>

JIMMY
I refuse to let the monsters
disappear me...

JOFFEE (UNDER HIS BREATH)
I think you mean deter you.

JIMMY (SOFTLY TO JOFFEE)
that, too. (louder to the
crowd)...or disappoint you.

NADINE
You Rule, Jimmy Kuhl.

STUDENT BODY
Cheers. <SOUND OF CHEERING>

COLTON
Oh, yeah!

CLAUDE
Oh, boy!

Joffee facepalms himself.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 39.

JOFFEE
Oh, brother.

32 INT, OLD SCHOOL, SCIENCE CLASSROOM - LATE MORNING

Penny and Justin sit at a lab table in the back of the room.

PENNY (UNDER HER BREATH)
You dork! Why’d you tell them we
are moving there? Now, everyone’s
laughing at us.

JUSTIN (UNDER HIS BREATH)
That’s your fault. I tried to get
you to say ghost or vampire or
something more realistic! You’re
the one that made up the dragon.

PENNY (UNDER HER BREATH)
I didn’t make it up; I saw that
dragon outside your window! And it
doesn’t matter what I saw, it would
still place us at the house.

JUSTIN (UNDER HIS BREATH)
Yeah, um...well, I still think it
was a bat.

PENNY (LOUDER)
Bats don’t...Knock it off, if you
make me any more of a laughing
stock, I’ll -

MOIRA walks in and sits down near them.

MOIRA
Don’t let them get to you, Penny.

PENNY
Like I need social advice from
dweeb girl.

MOIRA
Excuse me, but it seems to me like
Justin and I aren’t the only ones
sitting in "Nerd Land" anymore.

PENNY
Yeah, well my friends will get over
this and bring me back to the cool
table.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 40.

JUSTIN
Before we move?

Penny glares at Justin.

PENNY
You’d better watch it, you’re in
enough trouble -

Haley, Coleen & Marybeth walk past the table.

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH
The worms crawl north, the worms
crawl south. The worms crawl over
your lips...

Haley, Coleen and Marybeth, as one, point at Penny.

HALEY, COLEEN & MARYBETH (SHOUTING)
and in your mouth.

CLASS
Ewww! <laughter>

The trio walk to their own table, after singing.

JUSTIN & MOIRA
Those friends?

PENNY
We absolutely have to figure out
how to avoid moving.

Professor Wolfe enters the room.

PROFESSOR WOLFE
Good morning, class. I’m sure
you’ve all heard the news, from
Smithstonian, this weekend.

33 INT, SMITHSTONIAN SCHOOL / MACHINE SHOP - MORNING

Joffee, Colton, Claude and Andre sit at a lab bench with
parts to a remote controlled car and airplane. They work at
putting the car and airplane together.

JOFFEE
If you guys are going to make Jimmy
do this - .

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 41.

COLTON
Whoa! No one’s making him.

CLAUDE
Just his inner cool, so don’t get
cross!

JOFFEE
Then help me think of a way to help
him.

ANDRE
No, get cross.

Joffee points at Andre.

JOFFEE
Now you listen.

MR. DUSTIN HAMMER
Remember, there will be a new kid
joining us tomorrow.

ANDRE
I mean, get a cross; it will help
hold off the vampire. Actually, we
can make one here, this is shop
class, ya know.

JOFFEE
...and the werewolf?

CLAUDE
Holy water.

COLTON
No doofus, that’s for vampires too.

CLAUDE
Silver bullet?

COLTON
Get real, this isn’t TV.

MR. DUSTIN HAMMER
Make sure you all give him a hearty
welcome.

CLAUDE
It works. My aunt told me...

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13

Chris NelliCngONTINUED: Lil House on the Cemetery, episode 001 42.

JOFFEE
Your aunt has experience with
werewolves?

COLTON
His aunt might be a werewolf. Ever
see her unibrow?

Claude punches Colton.

ANDRE
Hey! Does anyone have a silver
bullet?

JOFFEE
Of course not, and how would he use
it anyway?

ANDRE
Then, forget about it. Anyway, I’ve
got a better idea. This is shop
class, let’s make a silver
crucifix.

COLTON
Yeah! Thrill two bogies with one
cross.

MR. DUSTIN HAMMER
I don’t want to find this Jethro or
Jiffy, or what ever his name is,
locked in the parts storage
cabinet.

JOFFEE
Would that work?

Andre shrugs.

ANDRE
Silver is silver. And in the shape
of a cross, he can hold them both
off, from Dusk, til Dawn.

JOFFEE
What about the ghost?

ANDRE
Spectre.

CLAUDE
Tomato.

(CONTINUED)

9/01/13