Youareworthmore

You Are Worth More

 

Once upon a time I felt w​orthless.​ 

In high school I had two relationships where my significant others were
extremely controlling and verbally abusive. These are things they said
and did, how I felt and what I believed about my self worth at the time.

 

Hopefully reading these things will help anyone who
might be in a similar situation and think it's not abuse
because they are not being hit, that it's just words or

actions the other does or doesn't do towards them.

An abusive or controlling relationship doesn't only
happen with significant others; it can be friends, family

members, coaches, pastors, anyone who attempts to
control or manipulate your actions and feelings. 

 

If another person in any way belittles you, demeans
you or makes you feel like you don't deserve better,

you are in an abusive relationship.
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

So here we go... 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You might be in an abusive relationship if your significant other 
talks badly about your family or in any way attempts to keep 
you from them, isolating you to a few people they approve of. 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if the 
other person, at the beginning of the relationship says nice 
things, but then those compliments become criticisms. For 
example, "That shirt looks nice, but seems like it's tight on 
you." Or "Your hair would look better if you (cut it, color it, 

brush it, part it, whatever). Then as time goes on, they 
don't even try to mask the criticisms, they just straight tell 

you that you're fat, or too skinny, or too boyish or too 
whatever they say because they want to strip your self 

worth away and make you feel like you aren't worth 
anything and that you are lucky to have them in your life. 

 
 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if...
When you have the courage to tell the person something that
upsets you or bothers you about the relationship and they turn
it around on you and make it all your fault. That you are being
too sensitive or that if you behaved differently they wouldn't

have to be so critical, negative or whatever.
A loving, nurturing partner would take what you say into
consideration and try to make the relationship work together.

 

 

 
 
 
 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if... 
The person knows something that you dislike about yourself 

and uses that insecurity against you in any way. 
For example, I was a tomboy, I don't like frills or pink stuff, I 
didn't wear makeup on a regular basis until after I had kids 
and permanent dark circles under my eyes(I'm sure caused 

by the lack of sleep said kids provide). I was a little self 
conscious of how people saw me, two boyfriends I had, not 

at the same time, called me Mitch to remind me of my 
insecurity of being perceived as a boy. I repeatedly asked 

both of them to not call me that. They both continued. 
 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
People who love you and want what's best for you will not 
magnify your weaknesses. They will help you work on your 
strengths. 
If they love themselves and want to manipulate you, they 
will do everything in their power to belittle you by 
magnifying your weakness or struggles and telling you how 
lucky you are that they are in your life. Don't believe it! 

You are worth more! 

 

 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 

You might be in a controlling or abusive relationship if... 
The person buys you gifts and never lets you forget it. 
For example, both of my controlling boyfriends in high 

school (remember not at the same time) bought me a little 
ring. Neither were very expensive or flashy, but they never 

let me forget how honored I should feel because they 
bought me jewelry. If I did something they didn't approve 
of, they would remind me that I was their girlfriend and 
needed to act like it. Even if it was something as simple as 
seeing a friend from school out somewhere and saying hi 

and not introducing them. 
 
 
 
 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
If somebody really loves you they will not use gifts to 
control your actions. The gifts will simply be reminders of 
their love, not a leash. 
You are an amazing person who deserves to be treated 
with complete respect. 

 

 
 
 
 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if... 
You get home from school or work and tell the person 
about your day. In the process of which you mention a 
person's name, and the person you are with gets 
extremely jealous and possessive of you.  
 
 
 
 
 

I had a guy friend from 7th grade that I had stayed friends 
with into high school. One day after school I was telling my 
boyfriend about something this guy friend said and he lost 
it. Told me I was cheating on him with the guy friend (who 
happened to be gay) and that if I wanted to continue being 
his girlfriend I had to stop talking to the guy. Thinking that 
this boyfriend was so caring for getting upset, I quit talking 

to the guy friend. It was my senior year and I gave up a 
friend I'd had for five years. It wasn't very long into the 
relationship at that point, but I believed he wouldn't be so 

possessive, if he didn't love me. 

If he really loved me, he would have not been threatened 
by my friend, (he never did know my friend was gay). He 

would have been supportive of me being friends with 
people who helped me be a better person and challenged 

me to be a good student. Eventually, he worked on me 
long enough that I didn't have any friends that he didn't 
approve of. I wish I could have been stronger and more 
sure of myself then, to see that he was controlling and not 

loving me. 

 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Everybody deserves to be loved, 
not controlled! 

 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if...

The other person monopolizes your time. When I was
dating an abuser, the only place I could go without him
was to school. And even then he would ask who I had
lunch with or who I talked to in class. After school, if I
wanted to hang out with a friend he had to be there. At
first I thought it was sweet that he always wanted to be
with me. Then I realized, too late, that it was because he
wanted to keep tabs on me, to know what I was doing and
who I was with. Slowly, but eventually, I didn't have any
of my own friends left, I only had "our" friends. It made it
so much harder to break up with him because I didn't
have my own friends to support me. I am thankful to Jeff
and Kim, for being there for me when my world turned

upside down.

 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if...

The other person, whether it's a parent, coach, significant
other, friend, pastor or teacher, sees your loneliness as a

way to choose you.

For example, my whole life I worked to get accepted by my
mom and dad. It seemed that nothing I did was ever good
enough for either of them. I truly believe that abusers can
sense that people are looking for acceptance. My abusers
used that longing for acceptance to get me. They told me
they loved me, they would always be there for me, wrote
me letters when I needed to feel accepted. They were good

at making me feel accepted and loved by them, at first.

Their abuse and controlling behaviors came out slowly, over
time. They were so stealthy about it, that I didn't realize
what was happening at first. They were always there with

me, then it was only them with me and I realized I was even
more alone than I had been before the relationship began.

Please, if you are in any type of relationship, take a real look
at things. You shouldn't feel lonely in that relationship, you
shouldn't feel like you are working to gain their acceptance,
you shouldn't be worried about their happiness over your

own.

In a healthy relationship you don't feel alone, you just know
they accept you without working for it and most of all your

happiness will bring the other person happiness.

 

You might be in an abusive or controlling
relationship if...

The other person touches you in ways that make you
uncomfortable or pressures you into doing more
sexually than you are comfortable with.

There are lots of ways that people can sexually abuse
you. Most of the time in a relationship sexual abuse
happens slowly, over time, as the abuser grooms you.
At first you may not even realize what happened was
on purpose. Maybe their hand just grazed a body part
as they walked by. Maybe their hand landed on your
crotch when they sat down next to you. At first the
touches may be fleeting, yet uncomfortable, then
their hand doesn't move away fast enough and you

don't know what to say or do.

They gauge your reaction to determine their next
move.

By the time you realize what is happening, you may
be too embarrassed to say anything to anybody

because you let it go on for so long. That is the abusers
plan.

When the full fledged abuse happens they may even
say it's your fault because you didn't stop them

before. They may tell you not to tell anybody because
nobody will believe that it got that far without you

being okay with it. That's all in the abuser's plan. They
want you to feel like it's your fault, you're less likely
to tell anybody if you think you caused it to happen.

26 years later and I still have a hard time telling that
one of my high-school boyfriends raped me. I had one

friend in high school that I told about it, that friend
was very supportive and I'm thankful for that

everyday. That friend helped me to leave that abusive
relationship and I will be forever grateful for that.

If you are in an abusive relationship please find
someone to talk to, someone who will help you get out

of it. A teacher, a counselor, a parent, a friend, a
pastor.

​You deserve so much better!
Your life is a gift!

You are worth more than an
abuser can ever give you!

 
 

You might be in an abusive or controlling relationship if...
The other person often accuses you of not paying attention

to them, or they act jealous of attention you pay to others.

One of my abusers drove me to school because I didn't have
a car and he drove right by my house to get to school. To
"pay" him for the ride I had to fix breakfast for him every
morning. I'm not talking about a bowl of cereal, he wanted

eggs and bacon. I had to wake up 30 minutes early to do that.
He had to give up about 3 minutes to pick me up. If I still had
homework or I was still getting ready when he got there he

would get angry that I was ignoring him. This is just one
incident where he accused me of ignoring him. He would
often accuse me of cheating on him too, with the question,

"who's the penis between us?"

Once, I chaperoned a Jr. High trip to DC with him. There were
students from our youth group on that trip. Some of the boys,

as Jr high kids do, had crushes on some of the girls and spent
much time during the day trying to get the girls to notice

them. I thought it was cute, he did not. He was angry the kids
weren't paying attention to him. He pulled each one of those
kids away from the group, into our hotel room, to discuss this
behavior with them. I don't know what happened in the room
that day, but I found out later that he was not only verbally

abusing me, he was sexually abusing those kids.

He craved attention, mine and theirs. He did whatever he
could to make sure that we had nobody else in our lives
except him and those he approved of. I don't know what
made some friends acceptable and some not, but I know why

he chose the victims he chose.

He chose victims, as all abusers do, who had low self esteem.
People he thought were weak and wouldn't stand up to him.
People who had a parent missing through death or divorce,
usually the dad. People who worked to gain their parents' or
others’ approval. People who had weaknesses that he could

use against them.

A person who loves you will help you gain self esteem, will
help you deal healthily with the loss of a parent, will love you
for who you are, not who they try to make you. A person who

loves you will not ask you to sacrifice more than they are
willing to sacrifice.

As a young person I struggled with self esteem and
acceptance, I just wanted someone to love me. That

combination made me easy prey for abusive and
controlling young men to take advantage of me.

These weren't scary guys from the hard streets, they were
young, Christian men. Young men who volunteered in
church every chance they could. They were young men,

were “God's will for my life” because they were “servants
of God.”

Neither of the abusers that I dated started out controlling
or abusive, they groomed me, which wasn't too difficult

with my low self esteem and need to be loved and
accepted.

They were s​tealthy​, slowly doing things and ​gauging my
reactions​to see what their next move would be. Each day
treating me a little less important, treating me as more of
an object than a person. Treating me as an extension of

themselves instead of an individual.

Every once in awhile they would do something nice like
get me a candy bar I really liked, take me to dinner or get
me a ring to remind me how much they loved me. They

always reminded me how lucky I was to have such a
wonderful guy to take care of me. These were their
actions when others were watching. Once we were away
from others, they went right back to their criticisms and
controlling behaviors. It was like being on the worst
roller coaster; when people were around they were
loving, friendly and kind, but when it was just us they

were rude, critical, controlling and abusive.

I could never tell people how I was actually treated by
these "men of God" because it would make them look bad
and embarrass me. I couldn't say that this person who led

worship for kids on Sunday morning was sexually
abusing me on Sunday afternoon. One day, the first bad
boyfriend, hit me. That was it. I was done. I finally got the

nerve to dump him. Of course it was after he went to
basic training and I moved and didn't tell him where I

moved to. I was still scared of him.

When I told my mom about everything he did, she told
me that I should have married him because I had sex with

him. I'm sorry, but when someone pins you down and
rapes you, that is not sex! But I was embarrassed about
that because I was taught that it was up to me to guard

my innocence and virginity so based on what I was
taught, what he did was my fault, I wasn't a good enough

guard.

Going through that didn't teach me to love myself
anymore. In fact I felt worse about myself and started

dating another "man of God" not too much later.
Apparently I was a good victim to him. He chose me. I

finally felt accepted.

Eventually he proposed to me and I said yes. As my
mouth was saying yes to him, my mind was screaming,
"NO! NO! NO! DO NOT MARRY HIM!" I didn't listen to
myself and married him a few months after he proposed.

On the way home on proposal night, he got lost. He
blamed me for not telling him where to go. I thought

about throwing the ring at him and telling him no. I have
relived and redone that moment many times since then.
After about 3 months of marriage he told me he regretted
ever marrying me. The marriage lasted for 4 1/2 years.

I was an empty, broken shell in that marriage. I had no
strength on my own. I eventually found the will to fight
and was planning on leaving him as soon as I graduated
from college. I didn't think I could handle finals and a

divorce.

About a week after graduation he was arrested for
molesting boys in our youth group and his elementary

school. (He was a youth pastor and a private school
administrator.)

I thought my world would end. People would know that I
lived a lie. I didn't know what he did to others I only know

the abuse, neglect and controlling that I had lived with
and I was embarrassed. I thought people would judge me.

I'm sure there are people who did judge me, but you
know who didn't? Jesus. He was there with arms

stretched out wide to hold me and put all the broken
pieces of me back together. To love me completely. He

was there to guide me into healing and loving again.

I'm so thankful for the friends that I had, to help me see
good in others. Friends that helped me trust again and

teach me that I can have a new life, shaped, but not
defined by my past.

Because of Jesus I have hope for the future. I didn't always
feel this way, even though I was raised in church. I didn't
truly believe that I was worth what Jesus did for me and

that I had to work at being good enough. I know now
that's not true! Jesus loves all the broken pieces of me and
will put me back together again and allow me to learn and

grow from my past, but not be defined by my past.

No matter what you have been through, no matter what
others tell you about your worth,

You are worth
more!

You are worth more than you think. There are people who will see you
for how special you are. Go out and find them. If people treat you as
though you are not important, get them out of your life.

You are worth more than you past can give you. You deserve a new life,
shaped but not defined by, your past.

You deserve love and to be treated with kindness and respect simply
because

You are worth more!

If you are in or think you might be in an abusive
relationship, please get help to get out. Talk to a trusted
family member, teacher, or even police officer who can

help you.

You are worth it!

Resources:

In the US:​ call the ​National Domestic Violence Hotline​ at 1­800­799­7233 (SAFE). 
UK: ​call W​omen’s Aid ​at 0808 2000 247. 

Australia: ​call 1​800RESPECT​ at 1800 737 732. 
Worldwide: ​visit ​International Directory of Domestic Violence Agencies ​for a global list of helplines, 

shelters, and crisis centers. 
For a safe place to stay: 

In the US: ​visit W​omenslaw.org​ for a state­by­state directory of domestic violence shelters in the 
U.S. 
 
 

● Domestic Violence and Abuse: ​Signs of Abuse and Abusive Relationships 
● Finding a Therapist Who Can Help You Heal:​ Getting the Most out of Therapy and Counseling 

● Help for Abused Men:​ Escaping Domestic Violence by Women or Domestic Partners 
● Anger Management:​ Tips and Techniques for Getting Anger Under Control 

● Healing Emotional and Psychological Trauma:​ Symptoms, Treatment, and Recovery