Reader'sDigest Asia-Apr21

Don’t Go Into the

A honeymoon hike to the rim of a jungle
crater ends in a terrible fall. Now a young
bride must get her severely injured husband

medical care – all by herself

BY Nicholas Hune-Brown

ILLUSTRATION BY MARK SMITH

rdasia.com 49

Acaimie, with
Clay on their
wedding day – a
preview of her

strength

n a steamy smitten by Acaimie’s beguiling smile. PHOTO: SALLY JANE STEFFY
morning in Like any good couple, they had their
July, Clay, 25, complementary differences. Acaim-
and Acaimie ie had always been the worrier. “A
Chastain, 23, realist,” she says. “A pessimist,” Clay
arrived at the replies. She liked order and structure.
base of Mount Clay, on the other hand, was a per-
Liamuiga on petual optimist – maddeningly care-
the Caribbean free and easygoing, always certain
island of St Kitts, ready for their first that things would turn out just fine.
climb as husband and wife. They had
married just five days earlier back So it was Clay who wanted to use
home in Indiana, USA after meet- a day of their Caribbean honeymoon
ing at university. Clay – a handsome scaling Mount Liamuiga. The highest
farmer’s son with charming, pup- point on St Kitts, Liamuiga is also a
py-dog energy – was immediately dormant volcano that starts in the
clouds and plunges down to meet the

50 april 2021

Don’t Go Into the Volcano

sea. Called Mount Misery by the Brit- way to a grassy meadow. A series of

ish who colonised the island, it is a screw eyes bolts had been drilled into

popular day hike for tourists looking the rocks, with ropes that led down.

for adventure. For Clay, the sight was unbearably

The couple, dressed in T-shirts inviting. It felt like a secret entrance

and running shoes, arrived for their to a primeval paradise. Acaimie was

hike in a rental car expecting to find less enthusiastic. The trail was steep,

more information at the site. Instead, and she was afraid of heights, but she

they found an empty dirt car park gamely followed Clay’s lead. After

with just a small plaque marking just a few minutes of descent, though,

the trailhead. They made their way she’d had enough. She told her hus-

up anyway, the narrow path taking band she’d wait on the rocks just off

them through trop- the trail while he

ical growth so lush SHE HEARD went exploring. “Just
you couldn’t see the A CRASH, THEN be quick,” she said
sk y. Vervet mon- THE SOUND OF as she watched him
keys chattered in set off on the precip-

the trees; the air was SOMETHING itous path, zigzag-
thick and humid. BIG ROLLING ging while clutching
DOWNHILL the rope.
It took them near-
ly three hours to A few minutes lat-

reach the peak, but er, she heard a crash

the view – the view! – a noise that sound-

– made it all worthwhile. The island ed like a large branch snapping, fol-

of St Kitts stretched before them; a lowed by the sound of something big

carpet of lush, green rainforest cas- rolling downhill. “Clay?” she called.

cading down towards the sapphire Silence.

Caribbean water. They may have Acaimie fought back a flutter of

been tired and sweaty – Clay’s red panic. She hadn’t heard anyone call

bandanna was soaked – but they out, after all. The sound might have

couldn’t have been happier as they been anything. A few minutes later,

ate their sandwiches, took a few self- she heard something faint that could

ies, and walked around the rim of the have been a human voice. She leaned

volcano completely alone. forwards, craning her neck. Then she

heard it again, and this time she was

THAT’S WHEN CLAY SAW IT: a small certain: it was Clay, speaking in an

trail, semi-hidden beneath plant life, eerily childish tone she hardly rec-

that led into the volcano’s crater – a ognised, calling for help from deep

bowl of green with cloud forest giving within the crater.

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Clay on top of the world, moments before his fall

As she looked over the lip of the to prepare for what she was going to PHOTO: COURTESY ACAIMIE CHASTAIN
volcano, she tried to suppress some see, worried that if he were badly in-
of her worst worries. Her phone jured the sight of him would put her
wasn’t getting a signal, and her cries into a state of shock. “Tell me what’s
for help were met with only silence. wrong,” she said as she approached.
“Clay!” she shouted as loud as she
could. “Clay, are you OK?” “I don’t know,” he said weakly.

Acaimie gripped the rope and be- CLAY WAS SITTING HUNCHED over
gan scrambling down the trail. When with his head in his hands, his back
the path became too steep, she slid to Acaimie. When she got closer, she
on her butt, her legs and arms getting could see that he was bleeding from
bruised and scraped in the process. the back of his head, and his neck
Then, just off the trail, she saw a flash and shoulders were scraped. Walking
of red. It was Clay’s bandanna. And around him, she saw that he’d been
next to it was his mobile phone. vomiting. Blood ran down his face.

She grabbed both and continued Perhaps the rope he’d been hold-
down, screaming for Clay all the way. ing had snapped, or maybe he’d just
missed a step, but it was clear he’d
“Help,” he said in that strange fallen a long way. He was badly con-
voice. cussed. “Where are we?” he asked.
She explained they were on a hike on
“I’m coming! Stay where you are,” St Kitts. “Why aren’t you calling for
she said. Finally she spotted his white
shirt through the trees. She wanted

52 april 2021

Don’t Go Into the Volcano

help?” he asked. Their phones wer- “Help!” Acaimie yelled. She’d hoped

en’t getting service, she told him. He that once they reached the top they’d

seemed to take that in. Then, 30 sec- find a group of hikers, but the trail

onds later: “Where are we?” was empty. There was no choice but

Acaimie tried to clear her mind. to try to make it back to the trailhead

They were alone in the volcano with- alone. It was about 12.30. It had taken

out phone service. There was only them three hours to reach the sum-

one thing to do: she needed to drag mit. How long, she wondered, would

him out somehow. it take them to reach their car?

“Look at me, Clay,” she said. He Putting her husband’s arm over her

looked through her, his eyes swim- shoulder, Acaimie led him back down

ming. “We’re going to have to climb the trail. It was sheer and winding as

out of here, and you’re going to have it cut back and forth through rainfor-

to listen to me.” est so thick she could never see more

Acaimie hoisted Clay shakily to his than a few metres ahead. Clay’s legs

feet. He had no balance and couldn’t flopped beneath him; at times he al-

support himself. The two of them most began running down the hill

stumbled forwards, and Acaimie because of this lack of control and

put his hands on the rope. She told Acaimie had to struggle to make sure

him to hold tight as she placed Clay he didn’t send them crashing into the

in front of her and CLAY trees. In particularly
pushed him from steep sections, she

behind. He lurched COLLAPSED sat Clay down, shuf-
forwards, flailing AND VOMITED fled ahead of him,
like a drunk, but and had him slide
he seemed able to BLOOD. into her arms.

control his limbs “I WANT As they made their
just well enough to TO SLEEP,” way, the sun was
follow Acaimie’s di- HE MUMBLED sinking lower in the
rections. When they sky and Acaimie’s

reached a particu- mind raced. What

larly steep section, if they got lost, she

she bent down, picked up his feet, wondered. Would Clay survive the

put them in good footholds so he night?

wouldn’t slip, and pushed again.

Bit by bit, step by step, they AFTER MORE THAN TWO HOURS,

climbed. After what couldn’t have Clay seemed to be getting worse. He

been more than half an hour but felt was losing what little control he’d

like forever, they reached the top. had over his body. Every ten minutes

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or so he’d stop, collapse on the trail, out her phone to check for a signal.
and begin vomiting blood. “I want Yes! It was faint, but it might work.
to sleep,” he mumbled now, shutting She dialled emergency services and
his eyes. Acaimie urged him to keep heard the welcome sound of another
moving. “You’re doing such a good person’s voice. She described what
job. I’m so proud of you,” she kept had happened – the fall, the vomit-
repeating, unsure if any of it was get- ing, the blood, the disorientation.
ting through to her husband. The dispatcher, barely audible, asked
whether they were able to make it to
It dawned on her that maybe she the trailhead, or did they need a heli-
should leave Clay there and run ahead copter? Acaimie looked around. With
and get help. But one look at him and the thick covering, there was no way
she dismissed that idea. She worried a helicopter could land anywhere
that in his state, he might wander off near them. She told him they’d keep
into the wilderness or stumble down trying to make their way down.
the trail and injure himself. She need-
ed him to keep going. But as they set off, she became more
worried. Clay’s condition was deterio-
They continued on – Acaimie rating quickly. He could hardly use his
guiding Clay, Clay barely able to arms and legs. At one point, Acaimie
move forwards. After hours of pain- couldn’t support him and gravity took
ful and exhausting progress, they over, sending him flying out of her
took a break. She instinctively pulled

A medevac plane transported Clay from St Kitts back to the US

PHOTO: COURTESY ACAIMIE CHASTAIN

54 april 2021

Don’t Go Into the Volcano

arms and rolling down the hill, smash- Kitts hospital recuperating before
ing into a tree. He lay there in a heap. being medevaced to a hospital in
Then he started vomiting blood again. Florida, where doctors placed a shunt
in his spinal cord to drain excess
She dialled emergency services fluid. After nine days, he flew home
again. “If the paramedics are any- to Indiana for several months of
where near the trail, they need to physical rehab and visits to special-
start heading up now!” she told the ists. But he was alive. And as his
dispatcher. When she hung up, she mind slowly cleared and the enor-
looked down the trail, calling out for mity of what he had endured became
help as loudly as she could. Clay was apparent, Clay was amazed at what
cold and clammy. She didn’t know his wife had done for him.
whether they could go any further.
Today, nearly a year later, the cou-
Then she heard something. It was ple are settled in their new home.
faint and could have been almost Clay has regained the balance he lost,
anything. but is now deaf in one ear. “It’s really
not that bad, a minor inconvenience
“Hello!” someone called out. at worst,” he says, ever the optimist.
Acaimie leaped up. “We’re here!”
she yelled as two paramedics came When Clay and Acaimie think
into view. “We’re here!” about what happened in St Kitts,
The paramedics wrapped Clay’s it’s with a strange mix of emotions.
arms around their shoulders, and then A honeymoon is supposed to be a
each took a leg. In this cumbersome chance for connection – an island
manner, they carefully carried Clay of time in the midst of a busy life
down the mountain to the ambulance for people to truly get to know each
waiting at the trailhead. Acaimie sat other. But even though their honey-
in the front of the ambulance – she moon had turned into a nightmare,
was hyperventilating, and her hands it cemented their relationship. The
eventually became numb from lack of words “in sickness and in health”
oxygen. She listened in horror as the were no longer just a quaint refrain
paramedic in the back yelled to the said in front of friends. To see one’s
driver, “He’s still vomiting blood; we partner under the most awful condi-
need to get to the hospital!” tions imaginable had created a kind
of intimacy that was different from
IN THE EMERGENCY ROOM, doctors what they’d had before.
discovered just how vast Clay’s inju-
ries were. They included a bad con- “We got shell-shocked, but in a
cussion, a fractured vertebra, a frac- good way,” says Clay today. “You re-
tured skull, and a spinal fluid leak. alise what you have. And you become
so thankful.”
Clay spent a painful week in a St

rdasia.com 55

HUMOUR

A History of

HOAXES

56 april 2021

A History of Hoaxes

We humans like
mischief, and not only

on April Fools’ Day

BY THE EDITORS

with Brandon Specktor

ILLUSTRATIONS: SAM WASHBURN T here’s no question that April”). And the first known mention
April Fools’ Day is an in- of April Fools’ Day in Britain comes
ternational phenomenon. in 1686 when biographer John Aubrey
But nobody really knows described the first day of April as a
how it began. One possible “Fooles holy day”.
predecessor is the Roman tradition
of the spring festival Hilaria (Latin It’s clear that the habit of sending in-
for cheerful, merry) that was held nocent victims on a ‘fool’s errand’ was
in March; it included games, pro- rampant in Europe by the late 1600s.
cessions and masquerades, during On April Fools’ Day in 1698, so many
which disguised commoners could were tricked into going to the Tower of
imitate nobility to devious ends. London to watch ‘The Washing of the
It’s hard to say whether this ancient Lions’ (a ceremony that didn’t exist)
festival’s similarities to modern April that the April 2 edition of a local news-
Fools’ Day are legitimate or coinci- paper had to debunk the hoax – and
dental, as the first recorded mentions publicly mock those who fell for it.
of the occasion didn’t appear until
several hundred years later. In 1561, From there, it’s a pretty straight
for example, a Flemish poet wrote line between lion washing and spa-
some comical verse about a noble- ghetti farming (on April 1, 1957, BBC’s
man who sends his servant back and Panorama fooled some viewers into
forth on ludicrous errands in prepa- believing spaghetti grew on trees).
ration for a wedding feast (the poem’s And while we may not know the ex-
title roughly translates to “Refrain act origin of April Fools’ Day, it’s clear
on errand-day / which is the first of it speaks to the inner joker in much
of humanity – and is therefore here
to stay.

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WORLD’S BEST PRANKS

1400s

The Haunted Apple

Thomas Betson, the prankster monk
who was the librarian of Syon Abbey in
Middlesex, England, pulled off one of
the earliest documented practical jokes
when he hid a beetle inside a hollowed-
out apple and fooled his fellow monks
into believing that the mysteriously
rocking apple was possessed.

1835 Lunar Life 1938 The Ultimate War

The Great Moon Hoax may have The 1897 H. G. Wells novel The War of
been one of the media’s first big the Worlds was about a futuristic Mar-
tricks. The New York Sun printed an tian invasion on Britain. Orson Welles
article claiming that astronomers adapted the story for a notorious radio
had discovered life on the moon. broadcast in the US that made it seem
More articles appeared over the Earth was under attack by aliens. Al-
next few weeks, and the US was though this hoax became infamous,
gripped by moon fever. with claims that millions of panicked
listeners fled their homes in terror, in
58 april 2021 reality this was greatly exaggerated.

1978 A Surprise

of Titanic Proportions

Residents of Sydney gawked at an ice-
berg floating in the harbour on April
1, which electronics entrepreneur
Dick Smith claimed he towed from
Antarctica. The Australian Navy even
offered its help in mooring it. Eventu-
ally, when it started to rain, everyone
realised what it really was: just a barge
covered in white plastic sheets, shav-
ing cream and firefighting foam.

1980 Time Change 1959

The BBC World Service reported Horse Laughs
that each of Big Ben’s four clock
faces would be changed to a digital US prankster and entertainer Alan
display, and its iconic hands would Abel dreamed up a campaign calling
be given away to the first four peo- for animals to wear clothing, and the
ple to call in. While most listeners Society for Indecency to Naked
were shocked and angry, one Japa- Animals was created. SINA president
nese seaman immediately called to ‘G. Clifford Prout’ promoted the
claim his prize. group’s catchy slogan: ‘A nude horse
is a rude horse’. Eventually, 50,000
1997 Killer Compound concerned citizens signed its petition
– until it was discovered that Prout
The chemical compound dihydrogen was actually Buck Henry, an architect
monoxide (DHMO) is “colourless, of modern American comedy.
odourless and kills thousands of peo-
ple every year” through “accidental 2007 Wired Waste
inhalation”, read a widely circulated
email, calling for a ban. Furthermore, Google introduced TiSP (Toilet Inter-
it was now “a major component of net Service Provider), which suppos-
acid rain” that’s “found in almost edly supplied free wireless broad-
every stream, lake and reservoir.” But band via the sewer system. Users
the controversy was soon cleared up: would flush one end of a fibre-optic
DHMO is actually a rarely used chem- cable down their toilet; an hour later,
ical name for water. it would purportedly be recovered
and connected to the internet by a
1998 Burger Switch team of ‘plumbing hardware dis-
patchers’. Chat rooms were filled
Burger King announced it was intro- with interested parties asking , “Can
ducing a new item: the Left-Hand- this be true?”
ed Whopper, specially designed for
southpaws. According to the com-
pany, the new Whopper would have
the same ingredients as the original
version, but all the condiments would
be rotated 180 degrees, so that the
weight of the burger skewed to the
left side.

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60 april 2021

SEE THE WORLD...
Turn the page ››
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62 april 2021

...DIFFERENTLY

Polarised light waves,
or light, that vibrates only
in one direction brings the
inner structures of crystallised
substances to a spectacular
glow – as the vitamin C in
the photo on the previous
spread demonstrates. The
tiny crystals magnified under
a microscope reveal the
iridescent play of colours,
more resembling abstract
artwork than something you
would expect to find in nature.
Vitamin C itself is essential
for survival, and can be found
in sea buckthorn (Hippophae
rhamnoides), blackcurrant
(Ribes nigrum) and dog rose
(Rosa canina). The highest
concentration in edible plants,
however, can be found in
the Australian Kakadu plum
(Terminalia ferdinandiana).

PHOTO: ZOONAR GMBH/AL AMY
STOCK PHOTO; GETTY IMAGES/
OKSANA KIIAN

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LAUGHTER

The Best Medicine

“Really?” he asked
sceptically. “And how
did you manage that?”

“The last time I went
to my doctor,” she
explained, “he asked
to see my licence. Then
he said, ‘You won’t be
needing this anymore,’
cut it up, and threw it
away. So I thanked him
and drove home!”

Planet Proctor Newsletter

Stringing Along

A piece of straight, clean

string goes into a bar and

“I like a man with a good, firm elbow bump.” orders a gin and tonic.

The barman serves the

drink, the string downs

Advanced in Gears it and walks out. Ten minutes later a
dirty, twisted, ragged piece of string

My neighbour was working in his walks into the bar.

garden when suddenly a car came “Are you that piece of string that

crashing through his hedge and was here ten minutes ago?” asks

ended up on his front lawn. He the barman. CARTOON: PAUL KALES

rushed to help the driver, an elderly “No” replies the string. “I’m a frayed

lady. “You appear a bit old to be knot.” Seen on the internet

driving,” he said. Know All the Answers
“I am!” she replied proudly.

“I’m so old that I don’t even need a Don’t you hate it when someone

licence anymore.” answers their own questions? I do.

64 april 2021

ILLUSTRATIONS: GETTY IMAGES Running Joke Laughter

Sometimes I stay up so late that I HOPPY EASTER
hear go-getters leaving for their
morning runs. It feels like the closest These Easter jokes are
thing to getting lapped in real life. sure to make every bunny

Seen on Reddit laugh out loud.

Facing Liquidation What we tell our children 364 days
of the year: Do NOT eat anything
I’m currently trying to sell a thermos
with absolutely no capacity for any you find on the ground.
liquid. It’s a tankless flask. Easter: Go and search in the dirt

PAUL EGGLESTON, COMEDIAN for chocolate a strange giant
bunny left for you, kids!
BIT OF A HOOT
Q: What do you call an Easter
Two owls are playing in egg from outer space?
the final of the Owl Pool A: Egg-stra terrestrial.
Championship. It comes
down to the last frame. Q: How do you make Easter easier?
One of the owls is just about to A: Replace the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
play his shot, when his wing
accidentally touches a ball. Q: Why did the Easter Bunny
have to fire the duck?
“That’s two hits,” A: Because he kept
says the other owl. quacking the eggs!
“Two hits to who?”
Q: What do you call a line of
says the first. rabbits jumping backwards?

Seen on the internet A: A receding hare-line.

Q: What do you call a
mischievous Easter egg?

A: A practical yolker.

Q: What do you call the Easter
Bunny the day after Easter?
A: Eggshausted.

Southern Living, Scarymommy.com

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Karen Stiller placed
friendly notes in

her window during
quarantine

66 april 2021

PHOTO BY JESSICA DEEKS FIRST PERSON

As my city shut down during
the pandemic, I tried to be a good

neighbour – from a distance

Next-Door

Strangers

BY Karen Stiller

M y kitchen window is above my sink.
The washer of dishes and rinser of
celery and lettuce can look out and
imagine doing other, better things.
Our window looks into the kitch-
en window of our neighbour’s house, so close to
ours. Our houses are old soldiers in a row, shoul-
der to shoulder on a worn out street.

The view into our kitchen is often lit up, like a
blaring, glaring movie set. But our neighbours,
two young men who I only know in passing,
never seem to turn on their kitchen light. Some-
times, as I do my dishes or rinse our apples, my
eyes adjust. Shadow gives way to shape and bent

rdasia.com 67

READER’S DIGEST

head and striped sweater emerge. into the guys in the driveway some-

Then I see them, standing at the sink, times as we walked our dogs, so the

leaning in and down, washing a dish notes had already started to feel a

or rinsing a tomato. I am startled little silly. What if my notes were

every time. a chore to them, and not a charm?

Though I don’t know these men, What if I was less like a mother, and

on the first Saturday of the first more like an annoying weirdo?

weekend of the COVID-19 lockdown So, I stopped. About a week later,

I still wanted to be a good neighbour. my dog, Dewey, was barking at their

I made a sign that said, ‘Have a nice dog in our backyards. I saw one of the

day’, and stuck it on my kitchen win- guys when I went out to shush him.

dow, with a smiley face. A while later “Sorry, we didn’t find a poem,” he

that day, they taped up a sign on their said. “We meant to,” he added, “And

window with a message None of then we never did.”
for us. “That’s okay,” I re-

‘Thank you. You too!’ plied. “DEWEY. SHUT
UP!” And we both went
the oldWe went on like this back inside.
tricks work.for a few days, back

and forth, like an echo, We can’t It is so hard to know
and I thought of how show up at what it means to be a
this would be a nice the door or good neighbour these
story for us all: how we days. None of the old

communicated by signs drop off tricks work. We can’t
throughout the whole muffins show up and knock on
pandemic – every sin- a door, or even lend

gle day! – and moved things. I’ve thought

from strangers at the beginning, to about baking muffins and dropping

such good friends by the end. them off, but that feels illegal.

“Mum, you’re so cool,” my 21-year Going for walks make me sad,

old daughter said. or mad. I like what walks do for my

Somewhere around Day 5, I po- health, but not what they do to my

sitioned Beaker the Muppet in the heart. I hate veering away from peo-

window, and they met him with a ple, like we are all infected. It’s de-

cute stuffed dog. Then, I raised the pressing, and we avoid my favourite

bar much too high with a fragment blocks in my neighbourhood. It’s

of a Mary Oliver poem about spring, just too crowded with other veering,

and that was the end of that. Maybe I lurching people.

was showing off. How do I love thee neighbour, like

By this time, I was also running I’m supposed to? Love should pull in,

68 april 2021

Next -Door Strangers

not push out. Love takes risks, not the world wars, a depression and the
side road to avoid a crowd. Love drops Spanish Flu – have now heard me
off casseroles and attends funerals, al- yell. That’s OK. Love is loud.
ways. Love is best and easiest in per-
son, up close and brightly lit, not hid- After this is all over, I have decid-
den in the shadows. And sick people ed I will finally have our neighbours
are for visiting, not avoiding. from both sides, the left and the right,
over for dinner. I will pack our house
I can’t love like I’ve been taught. with neighbours. We will sit on the
We are all just stumbling along. couch together. I can’t be a neigh-
bour now, as I’d like to, but I can be
So, like everyone I guess, I have a neighbour then. We will all have
been turning in, instead, and caring lived through this together. The pan-
for my family with roast chicken and demic might have knitted us together
pineapple crumble and quite a few like an old worn sock, even after it’s
frittatas, as it has turned out. over – because it is finally over.

Being only and always with my I will write this invitation on a piece
family means that kind of love is also of paper, and stick it on my kitchen
stretched and challenged. There is window for them to read, for old, bad
no question that our neighbours on time’s sake. Maybe we can have a little
the other side, with whom we share laugh together about how we tried to
the thin walls of our semi-detached be kind, even during a time when we
120-year-old house – a house that didn’t really know how.
has stood and not fallen through two

Beatle Armour

A species of beetle – aptly named ‘diabolical ironclad beetle’ – can
withstand bird pecks, animal stomps and even being rolled over
by a Toyota Camry. Now scientists are studying what the bug’s
crush-resistant shell could teach them about designing stronger
planes and buildings. “This beetle is super tough,” said Purdue

University civil engineer Pablo Zavattieri, who was among a
group of researchers that ran over the insect with a car as part of
a new study. Analyses of microscope images, 3-D printed models
and computer simulations revealed the secrets to its strength.
It has an unusual armour that is layered and pieced together like

a jigsaw, according to the study published in Nature.
And its design, they say, could help inspire more durable

structures and vehicles. AP

rdasia.com 69

The modern-day robotic vacuum cleaner may look
different from the original, cumbersome incarnations,

but the truth is, they’ve always sucked…

PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES

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– manually, of course. And in the he caught the inspiration of Hubert

case of Ives McGaffey of Chicago, Cecil Booth, who nonetheless saw

with a hand crank. the f law in Thurman’s design and

In 1869, McGaffey devised the thought how a sucking device would

‘Whirlwind’, a machine that stood up- be far more effective.

right and used said crank to rotate a Apparently, Booth was so intrigued

fan which moved the air around. At that he placed a handkerchief on the

25 dollars a pop (about $450 today), plush velvet seat of a restaurant chair,

Whirlwind owners found the machine put his mouth to the handkerchief

so difficult to use that its time in the and sucked the air in, choking on the

limelight lived up to its name. dust he pulled out of the chair. When

St Louis inventor John Thurman he saw just how much dust was gath-

then burst onto the carpet-cleaning ered on the handkerchief, he knew

scene with his 1899 offering of the his idea had merit.

catchily-titled ‘pneumatic carpet- His creation, a vacuum cleaner

renovator’. While the first of its kind to with an internal combustion en-

be powered by a motor rather than a gine powering a piston pump which

human, it actually did the opposite of pulled the air through a cloth filter,

what a vacuum does – dislodging dust was patented in 1901 and became

from carpets by blasting them with known as ‘Puffing Billy’.

jets of compressed air, which were The machine’s obvious draw-

blown into a receptacle. back was its size. Enormous,

As Thurman toured the SUCK red, and petrol-powered, it
UK touting his invention, IT UP! was pulled by a horse-drawn

A clean

sweep over

the years

1900s 1910s 1920s

72 april 2021

The Vacuum Cleaner

PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES carriage, and due to its size, only its the entire building each night, a long,
tubes were able to be inserted through tedious task that also made his asth-
the windows. Nonetheless, Puffing Bil- ma flare. An inventor on the side, he
ly was the talk of the town and soon devised his own contraption using a
became a common sight around the broom handle, a tin soapbox, a sateen
streets of London, where it was em- pillowcase, and an electric motor he
ployed for some high-profile jobs, in- pulled out of a sewing machine, which
cluding cleaning Westminster Abbey powered a fan and a rotating brush.
for the coronation of King Edward VII
and Queen Alexandra in 1902. While rough looking, the machine
did an impressive job of sucking up
By then, Booth’s device was be- dirt and blowing it out the back into
ing built right into the homes of the the attached pillowcase. Spangler
wealthy, in the form of a central vac- patented it in 1907 and quit his job,
uum. Due to their expense and size, opening the Electric Suction Sweep-
vacuums were limited to society’s er Company, with investors helping
upper crust. Everyone else had to him try to produce his invention.
deal with their own layers of crust But after buying 75 motors, obtain-
via more traditional means, while ing factory space and using his own
new patents across the world tried to house as collateral, Spangler was so
capitalise on Booth’s innovation. cash-strapped that he turned to his
wealthy cousin Susan Hoover, wife
As is often the case, the one who of successful leather goods manu-
succeeded was driven by necessity. facturer William Hoover.
Sixty-year-old Ohio department store
janitor James Spangler had to clean Buying the patent from Spangler in

1960s 1980s 2020s

rdasia.com 73

READER’S DIGEST

1908, Hoover hoovered money into 1978 was also t he year a man

marketing, research and develop- called James Dyson found himself

ment, redesigning the vacuum clean- dissatisfied with his vacuum clean-

er by placing it in a steel box and er’s sucking performance and real-

designing attachments for the hose. ised that his machine’s dust-clogged

He later added disposal filter bags bag was to blame. Having just built

and designed the first upright vacu- an industrial cyclone tower for his

um cleaner in 1926. The addition of building that used centrifugal force

door-to-door salesmen transformed to separate paint particles from the

Spangler’s invention air, he wondered if

into a business suc- the same could be

cess and the name done for a vacuum,

Hoover into one still and five years lat-

synonymous with er, the first bagless

vacuuming today. vacuum cleaner was

To t hink, if t hey’d HOOVER born.
honoured Spangler HOOVERED MONEY More recently, in
by keeping his name INTO MARKETING
in the business, we 2002, the Roomba
made its way into

might still be calling AND RESEARCH circulation, taking
the action of vacu- vacuuming into the

uming ‘spangling’, robotic era. While

instead of ‘hoovering’. most of us thought robotic vac-

So how have vacuums changed uums would look like the robot

since? Not a great deal, to be hon- cleaner Rosie from The Jetsons, the

est. They’ve gotten cleaner, thanks automatic vacuum was a sleek lit-

to the introduction of less porous tle circle that sashayed under seats

cloth bags in the 1930s and the and into small spaces, and has a

modern-day HEPA filters and bags. sensor to detect obstacles or sharp

There was that lovely invention of drops such as stairs. Current mod-

the button that sucked up the cord els also have a home base where

in one satisfying swoop, only occa- it can empty itself. Now that’s the

sionally taking out an ankle along kind of hands-off technology that

the way. At the same time, cords really changes the game of domes-

themselves started to become su- tic housework.

perf luous, culminating in Black Even with all these innovations,

and Decker’s 1975 cordless vacuum though, a vacuum of today still does

patent and the 1978 introduction of the job about as well as it’s done for

the Dustbuster. more than a century. It still sucks.

74 april 2021

THAT’S OUTRAGEOUS!

BY Suzannah Showler

FROG IN YOUR THROAT One clearing the dashboard. The child,
who had taken the keys to the
lucky bidder recently took home family car while his teenage sister
Sir Isaac Newton’s essays on causes was napping, later told baffled
and cures for the common plague officers that he was planning
written in 1669. The manuscript, to make it to California to buy
which sold for $108,083, is believed a Lamborghini. While he only had
to have been written shortly after $3 in his wallet, he was, at least,
Newton spent nearly two years driving in the right direction.
in self-quarantine to avoid the
plague. The document is unlikely I BELIEVE I CAN FLY On three
to be of much use during the
current pandemic, however: it occasions last year, Songshan
includes, among other things, Airport in Taipei allowed
a prescription for driving away 60 passengers the chance to
disease with lozenges made from check in, collect their boarding
a mixture of toad vomit and passes, clear security and board
powdered toad. a China Airlines Airbus. The
plane’s destination? Nowhere. The
ON THE LAM(BO) When a police passengers were the lucky winners
of a contest that let people, starved
officer pulled over an SUV going of the travel experience during
about 51 km/h and drifting across the coronavirus lockdown, spend
lanes on a highway in Utah last year,
he expected to find a driver a day at the airport. Once
who was either severely the passengers boarded,
impaired or having though, their trip came
a medical episode. to an anticlimax. After
Instead, he discovered being greeted by flight
a five-year-old boy attendants, buckling
perched on the edge up and sitting on the
of the driver’s seat, his tarmac, the fantasy
feet barely reaching the travellers deplaned
pedals and his head just and went home.

rdasia.com 75

READER’S DIGEST GETTY IMAGES: ILLUSTRATION BY MARIA AMADOR

HOW TO

Fine-Tune
Your
Metabolism

Adjusting over time
will help you stay
thinner – and
healthier

BY Courtenay Smith

76 april 2021

anielle Payton’s metab- medication for PCOS (metformin/
olism was a mystery for spironolactone), which seems to help
most of her adult life. keep her weight in check. It took her
When she was 18, she four years, but Payton ultimately lost
about 41 kilos and now is fairly steady
Dweighed 75 kilograms, at 55 kilos. “Mentally, I am tough-
which made little sense
to the 160-centimetre high school er because of this process of stand-

shot-put champion. “I was a very ing up for my body and figuring out

healthy eater – coming from a fam- what worked for me,” she says. “No

ily of pescatarians and vegetarians one knows your body like you do, and

– and an athlete, and I couldn’t lose a listening to your body is crucial.”

single kilogram,” says Payton. Most of us have heard that a good

Just before universit y, she was metabolism is the golden ticket to

diagnosed with polycystic ovary weight loss, but that seriously un-

syndrome (PCOS), which causes derplays metabolism’s role in our

imbalances in the hormones that bodies and in our health. Simply

regulate both the reproductive sys- put, metabolism is the energy used

tem and metabolism. by the physical process-

That solved part of the KEEPING YOUR es that keep us alive. We
mystery – women with BODY RUNNING burn up to 80 per cent of
PCOS are prone to EFFICIENTLY daily kilojoules while at
weight gain. But Payton rest (referred to as basal,

continued to struggle. MIGHT BE or resting, metabolism)
By the time she turned EASIER THAN by breathing, digesting,
24, she weighed 95 kilo- YOU THINK maintaining circulation,
grams and had devel- and more. But while that

oped prediabetes. Her fact inspires compari-

search for a solution sons of your metabolism

became more focused and urgent. to a fire-burning furnace, it’s really

“I had to find food and exercise that more like a busy city transit system,

worked for my body,” says Payton, an delivering the right mix of chemicals

online fitness and wellness expert. to the right cells at the right times to

For her, that meant giving up pro- extract energy from food and keep

cessed and fried foods, eating more your body running seamlessly.

animal protein, doing short daily That’s why the first sign of a trou-

bouts of walking (30 minutes) and bled metabolism may be the faltering

strength training (five to 15 minutes), of one of these systems manifesting

and taking a probiotic supplement. as rising insulin, cholesterol, triglyc-

She also takes doctor-prescribed eride levels or fat deposits around

rdasia.com 77

READER’S DIGEST

your waist – all markers of metabolic every morning outdoors in sunlight,
disorder, which heralds a higher risk without sunglasses so the sun reach-
of diabetes, heart disease or stroke. es your eyes’ photoreceptors. You will
get the benefits passively, so don’t
But your biggest risk – the “most stare at the sun.
universal contributor” to metabolic
decline according to an article co- SAFEGUARD YOUR SLEEP
written by age-related diseases spe-
cialist Dr Nir Barzilai –  is ageing. Sleep is the reset button for your
Ageing naturally causes metabolic metabolism. Prepare your brain
decline and also makes us more like- for bed time by dimming the lights
ly to require medications to address a few hours beforehand –  turn off
issues such as high blood pressure or bright overheads and turn on bed-
depression that could slow metabo- side lamps equipped with warm or
lism. While there’s obviously no fix amber-toned bulbs. Also, “if your
for ageing, you can learn to fine-tune slumber is constantly interrupted by
your metabolism as your body chang- light snoring, then you are missing
es over time, priming it to deliver the out on kilojoule-burning benefits,”
right mix of hormones, much as Pay- says Dr Bindiya Gandhi, a family
ton did. “Find what works for you – doctor. The fix may be as simple as
then do it consistently,” she says. using a breathing strip on your nose
to help open constricted sinuses at
Here are some of the best small night. Just ask your doctor whether
changes in habit that can help you you should be tested for sleep apnoea,
boost your metabolism. since snoring is a common sign of
the serious disorder.
WATCH THE SUNRISE
TRY INTERMITTENT
“Simply basking in early morning FASTING
rays can increase your metabolism
naturally,” says Ken Ceder, executive If changing your diet is too over-
director of the non-profit Science of whelming, try a form of fasting. A
Light. That’s because our circadian 2020 review in the Journal of the
rhythms, or master body clocks, reg- Academy of Nutrition and Dietetics
ulate the hormones crucial to metab- concluded that intermittent fasting
olism and hunger control, including regimes can be a promising way to
insulin, cortisol and leptin. Our cir- lose weight and improve metabolic
cadian rhythms work best when in health.
sync with the sun, receiving bright
light in the morning and diminishing There are many approaches,
rays towards sundown. To get your such as overnight fasting (don’t eat
daily dose, spend at least 15 minutes between 7pm and 6am) or the 5:2

78 april 2021

method (eat about 25 per cent of Fine-Tune Your Metabolism
usual kilojoules two days a week).
Ask your doctor first. Trying it even that over a year, increasing your water
once or twice may jump-start other consumption by two cups a day could
healthy habits. burn an extra 2.2 kilograms. Since
much of the increase in metabolic
TRACK YOUR rate is due to the body’s efforts to heat
WATER INTAKE WITH the liquid, make sure the water you’re
RUBBER BANDS drinking is icy cold.

Try this easy system: in the morning, FEED YOUR GUT
put five rubber bands on your wrist.
Every time you drink 475 ml of wa- “Healthy gut bacteria optimise your
ter, take off a band and put it on the metabolism by helping your body
bottle. German researchers found extract nutrients from your diet
that metabolic rate jumped by 30 more effectively,” says nutritionist
per cent for up to 40 minutes in 14 Amy Gorin. A daily serving of pro-
volunteers after they drank 475 ml biotic-rich foods such as yoghurt,
of water. The researchers estimated kefir and unpasteurised sauerkraut
might help, though so far studies
have been inconclusive on the total
benefits. Yoghurt has an added ad-
vantage – dairy foods may lower the
risk of metabolic disorder, according
to an analysis in the British Journal of
Nutrition. Preliminary studies have
found that some probiotic strains
help with weight loss (Lactobacillus
rhamnosus) and body fat reduction
(Lactobacillus amylovorus). “Ask your
healthcare provider about a probiotic
supplement,” recommends Gorin.

QUASH CRAVINGS
WITH PROTEIN

A number of well-documented stud-
ies show that high-protein diets may
help adults lose weight while main-
taining lean muscle mass (one of
the main drivers of a naturally high
kilojoule burn), according to a 2020
analysis in Nutrition. Protein also

rdasia.com 79

READER’S DIGEST

unleashes a cascade of metabolic sig- helping you burn kilojoules,” says
nals from the gastrointestinal tract to Kristen Koskinen, a dietitian nutri-
tell the brain that it’s full. However, tionist. “The metabolic act of stay-
long-term high-protein diets can be ing warm is an easy way to boost
harmful to the kidneys, so consult your metabolism without breaking
your doctor. a sweat.” Taking a cold shower or
finishing a steamy one with a cool
DON’T DETOX rinse-off might also give your me-
tabolism a quick boost by forcing
Severe, long-term kilojoule restric- your body to shiver – which requires
tion doesn’t work, because your me- energy and kilojoules – to warm up.
tabolism is mainly determined by But since the long-term effects on
your body composition; the more weight loss are unclear, you’ll have
muscle mass you have, the more to decide whether the torture is
kilojoules you burn throughout the worth it.
day. “When you lose weight quick-
ly, your body is breaking down its CURL UP ON THE COUCH
muscle mass,” says dietitian Susan WITH A BOOK
Berkman. “When you resume eating
normally, your metabolism is slower Wait – being a couch potato can help
than when you started the plan be- your metabolism? If you’re totally
cause you have less muscle.” Result: relaxed, then yes. “Stress increases
you gain fat. the level of the hormone cortisol,
which can cause metabolic dysfunc-
CHILL OUT – LITERALLY tion if it’s constantly elevated,” says
Dr Gandhi. The cure is to do some-
Cold weather is one of nature’s most thing daily that will help you com-
powerful metabolic boosters, help- pletely de-stress, whet her t hat’s
ing increase your levels of brown watching a movie, taking a long
fat, a type of fat that burns more bath, or reading a book.
kilojoules even when you’re at rest.
“Going outdoors in cold weather With additional reporting from
can increase your non-exercise ac- thehealthy.com
tivity thermogenesis (NEAT) score,

Hairy Situation

“I WANT MUMMY TO CUT MY HAIR,” my six year old yelled,
at once exercising his bodily autonomy and exhibiting absolutely

dismal decision-making skills. ARIANNA BRADFORD

80 april 2021

QUOTABLE QUOTES

EVERYTHING THAT’S
BAD FOR HUMANITY IS

GOOD FOR COMEDY.

SUGAR SAMMY, COMEDIAN

My comfort It’s what we do when we
zone is outside don’t succeed that determines
of my comfort
whether we will succeed.
zone. I like
to be a little RETIRED ASTRONAUT, DAVE WILLIAMS
uncomfortable.
What does it
BILLIE EILISH, SINGER take to see
through the
PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES illusion of fear? NEVER STOP
To me, the LEARNING HOW
answer is
something TO LEARN.
spiritual. It’s not
facts or figures. BILLIE JEAN KING, FORMER
It’s a discipline – CHAMPION TENNIS PLAYER
of finding hope
and love, and
maintaining it.

SHAD, HIP-HOP ARTIST

rdasia.com 81

NATURE

IF
TREES
COULD
TALK

THIS IS
WHAT SIX
OF THEM
WOULD SAY

BY Diana Thomas
AND Zoë Meunier

82 april 2021

Le Chêne Chapelle
in Normandy,

France, is believed
to have been
planted in the

time of Emperor
Charlemagne

READER’S DIGEST

ur primitive ancestors lived in forests and
jungles and believed that trees had spirits.
And they may have been right. Scientists
are discovering that trees communicate

O via chemicals, hormones, pheromones and

electrical signals passed between their roots. Trees
will even pass water and sugar to one another to keep
their neighbours alive when humans have chopped
them down and robbed them of their leaves. But what
would trees say to us if we could hear them?

LE CHÊNE CHAPELLE with bright red hair. The story goes PHOTO, PREVIOUS SPRE AD: CHRISTOPHE KICIAK/AL AMY STOCK PHOTO
that he knelt beneath my branches
(THE CHAPEL OAK) as if in prayer. Pah! That great gin-
ALLOUVILLE-BELLEFOSSE, ger ape strode from a nearby tavern,
his belly full of beer, leaned with one
NORMANDY, FRANCE hand against my trunk, adjusted his
clothing and ... I will not debase my
“I believe oaks are the greatest, the honour by saying more.
most majestic of all trees. But are they
all equal? Non! The French oak alone Ah, but an even greater torment
possesses a special elegance, glory befell me more than 650 years lat-
and savoir-vivre. And of all French er, when I was struck by lightning.
trees, I am the oldest, the wisest and Mon Dieu, the agony! That bolt shot
the most long-suffering. through me like a giant axe, splitting
me in two and hollowing my trunk.
Some humans believe I was plant-
ed in the time of the Emperor Charle- I was barely alive. Some villagers
magne, some 1200 years ago. Others, wanted to chop me down. But the lo-
however, date me to 911 CE, when cal priest and abbot said, no, my sur-
Normandy itself was created from the vival was a miracle. In 1696, they cre-
land given to Rollo, a Viking raider, ated a shrine to the Virgin Mary within
by King Charles the Simple of France. my trunk and then built a chapel at the
top, reached by a staircase attached to
There are impudent scientists who my poor, battered body.
maintain that I am only 800 years
old. Zut alors! I ask you, if I am a mere Frankly, I found the structure un-
seedling of 800, why can I remember dignified and inelegant. It almost
meeting Rollo’s great-great-great- cost me my life during the French
grandson William of Normandy, Revolution of 1789, when a gang of
the one they call ‘the Conqueror’, in
1035? William was a big strong lad

84 april 2021

If Trees Could Talk...

godless rebels tried to burn me down. Portugal’s Olivo del Mouchão has
Let me tell you, the torment of those estimated age of 3350 years
flames against my bark is indescrib-
able. Luckily, a quick-witted villager
shouted, ‘No! This tree should be a
Temple to Reason!’

The flames were doused, my life
was saved. The shrine and chapel
still stand, though I confess I need
some help from the manmade poles
that support my branches. I should
live for a good few years yet, long af-
ter the people who have tried to hurt
me have turned to dust.”

PHOTO: MAFALDA GOMES EL OLIVO DEL MOUCHÃO the Pharaoh Rameses II ruled Egypt.
I was more than 900 years old when
(OLIVE TREE) Plato was expounding his philosophy
MOURISCAS, PORTUGAL to his students in Athens, and more
than 1350 when Jesus of Nazareth
“Ah, those oaks, so proud, so boastful! died on his cross.
Yet they ignore their fatal flaw: they
are only of use to humans when they In my youth, the first humans who
are dead. We olives are more modest. gathered fruit from my branches
No great navy ever used our wood were savages, clad in rough animal
to build its battleships. No roofs are skins. I’d seen 700 winters when the
supported with beams hewn from first crude fortifications were built,
our trunks. But entire civilisations 125 kilometres from me in human
have been built upon our fruit. And measurements, that would become
for that, we are allowed to live. the city of Lisbon. Half a millennium
later, the Romans arrived, so stern,
That Frenchman speaks with the so disciplined, so convinced that the
impetuosity of youth. He talks of the empire could never fall. And yet it
Emperor Charlemagne, but I was did, as did the kingdom of the Visig-
planted more than 3350 years ago, a oths who succeeded them.
date scientifically proven in 2016 by
Professor José Penetra Louzada. Next came the Arabs: proud, hawk-
nosed, with sharp eyes and scim-
Consider that, you humans, with itars as sharp as the talons of the
your lives so brief that they seem hunting falcons they treasured so
to me barely longer than a mayfly’s dearly. Their kingdom of Al-Andalus
flicker of existence. When I was in my
infancy, the prophet Moses lived and

rdasia.com 85

READER’S DIGEST

survived more than 400 years before
the Christians took back the land.

But really, what are these mor-
tal men to me? They come, they go,
but I stay. My trunks may be gnarled
and twisted, my bark cracked,
my branches brittle, but I still produce
fruit and still give my bounty to which-
ever human chooses to harvest it.”

NEWTON’S APPLE TREE Apples still fall in a downwards direction
from Isaac Newton’s apple tree
WOOLSTHORPE MANOR,
an extremely clever little fellow, so I
LINCOLNSHIRE, ENGLAND wasn’t at all surprised when he won
a place to study at Cambridge Uni-
“One doesn’t like to boast. It’s simply versity in 1661. He was still there
not the British way. But we can surely four years later when there was an
agree that the discovery of gravity is outbreak of bubonic plague. The
one of the absolute cornerstones of students were sent home, which was
our understanding of the universe. why he was in my orchard, ponder-
ing the universe, when that fateful
It was, of course, to an Englishman, apple fell. Thus history was made
Sir Isaac Newton, that the world owes and, to this day, there are travellers
this insight. So what single incident who come from all around the world
first gave the young Newton his in- to visit me and say, ‘Well done’.”
spiration? Why, the falling of an apple
from a tree. And which was the tree WOLLEMI PINE
that produced that falling apple?
WOLLEMI NATIONAL PARK,
Ladies and gentlemen, I cannot NSW, AUSTRALIA
deny it. I was that apple tree. And “Fellas, fellaaaaas. You really want
in that moment, I did more to ad- to start squabbling about age? I’m far
vance the cause of science than any too mature for all that, but suffice to
tree who had ever lived, at any time, say I cast substantial shade on your
anywhere. boasts of seniority. I’m so old even I

It may have been almost 360 years
ago, which may not sound like much
to some trees, but is a jolly long time
for an apple. I remember the occa-
sion well. I’d known Isaac since he
was a babe in arms, because Wool-
sthorpe Manor, where I still stand,
was his family home. He was clearly

86 april 2021

If Trees Could Talk...

PHOTOS: NEW TON’S APPLE TREE - ROLF RICHARDSON/AL AMY STOCK PHOTO; don’t know how old I am. Let’s just us while the surrounding forest was
WOLLEMI PINE - COURESTY JOHN SPENCER/NSW NATIONAL PARKS AND WILDLIFE say that when my grove of pines was reduced to ash.
discovered in the Wollemi Nation-
al Park in 1994, I was compared to Are you getting the gist of how im-
finding a living dinosaur. Fossil ev- portant I am? Basically, my siblings
idence indicates my ancestors exist- and I – and there are less than 200 of
ed between 200 and 100 million years us – are the only Wollemi pines that
ago and that I was once spread right exist in the wild, although we’ve now
across Australia. My existing crop of been propagated in nurseries. I’m so
brothers and sisters could be up to sacred that my exact location is kept
100,000 years old. Yeah, you heard a secret. If everyone knew where I
right. I wish I could be more exact, lived, they’d flock to have a gander at
but at my age you start to get a bit me, and contamination from patho-
hazy on the details. gens they would bring in could be the
end of me.
Speaking of hazy, things really
heated up around here at the end of Yeah, you humans have a lot to an-
2019. You probably heard, my coun- swer for, but you did save my life, so
try took a massive beating from I owe you. Still, it’ll be interesting to
bushfires in the summer of 2019-2020 see which of us will still be around in
and my stand of trees was right in another 100,000 years.”
the firing line. I could barely breathe
from the smoke haze for months. The Wollemi Pine is believed to have been
The Gospers Mountain fire alone around when dinosaurs roamed Australia
desecrated more than 512,000 hec-
tares, making it possibly the largest
fire ever known to have started from
a single source – a lightning strike on
October 26.

As the fires tore through my home, a
top-secret rescue mission was hatched
to save us. Mate, it was hectic, there
were aircraft dropping water bombs,
large air tankers dropping fire retard-
ant, and helicopters winching special-
ist firefighters into my remote gorge to
establish an irrigation system to bring
some much-needed moisture to the
ground fuels surrounding me. In an
incredible feat, they managed to spare

rdasia.com 87

READER’S DIGEST

IL CASTAGNO DEI Sicily’s Hundred-Horse Chestnut was
CENTO CAVALLI a shelter for royalty in its time

(HUNDRED-HORSE CHESTNUT) was a very special lady. She was also
MOUNT ETNA, SICILY a loyal wife, for in 1485 she began a
regal journey around southern Italy
“You thought Luciano Pavarotti was and Sicily, encouraging her husband’s
big? Ha! When I was measured in subjects to remain loyal to their king.
1780, which seems like only yesterday To ensure her safety, and impress the
when you’re 4000 years old, my total people, she was accompanied by a
circumference was 57.9 metres. Not retinue of 100 knights, all mounted
that they had metres then, of course, on fine horses. One day, their jour-
so let us just say ‘sixty paces’. Enough ney took them to the slopes of Mount
to give me a Guinness World Record Etna, where I grow.
for ‘Greatest Tree Girth Ever’, that’s
for sure. Queen Giovanna wished to see
the top of the mighty volcano. But
I admit my body is essentially a on the way to the summit a terrible
ring of many separate trunks. In fact, storm broke out and she and her
I almost look like a grove of different knights were forced to seek shelter. So
trees. In the middle of the circle there great was the expanse of my myriad
is enough room for buildings, which branches, that the queen and all her
have been erected at various times in men were able to find shelter beneath
my life. But every single trunk springs them. Minstrels sang ballads about
from the same roots. They are all me. that day, poets composed verses, and
And I can claim to be the oldest chest- so I acquired my name.
nut tree in the world.
That was just one day. There have
So, how did I get my name? Ah, been more than 1,460,000 others.”
that’s a story ... My heroine is Queen
Giovanna (Joanna). Mamma mia, che
bella donna!

Giovanna was the daughter of King
John II of Aragon and wife of King
Ferdinand I of Naples. When Giovan-
na married Ferdinand, her father gave
her a dowry of 100,000 gold florins.
Her new husband gave her land and
towns from across his kingdom.

They were married by Rodrigo Bor-
gia, who would become Pope Alex-
ander VI. Giovanna, you will gather,

88 april 2021

If Trees Could Talk...

PHOTO: IL CASTAGNO DEI CENTO CAVALLI - GIRODIBOA/SHUTTERSTOCK; TANE MAHUTA - GETTY IMAGES TĀNE MAHUTA of the tree as reflecting the wellbeing
of the ngahere (forest) and the people.
(KAURI PINE) And as such, now is a troubling time
WAIPOUA FOREST, NORTHLAND for us all.
REGION, NEW ZEALAND
Logging in the 1820s depleted our
“Before we settle this argument once numbers and the few of us giants re-
and for all about who is the greatest maining are threatened by kauri die-
among us, allow me to explain to you back disease, a rot carried on people’s
what my name means in Ma–ori: God shoes and by mammals. This insidi-
of the forest. As the largest kauri tree ous disease kills virtually every kauri it
to stand today, and with my age esti- infects. At times, my walking tracks
mated to be between 1250 and 2000 have been closed as the threat of die-
years, I’m not overstating the matter back draws near. And still, foolish men
to say that I am nothing less than the have tried to trespass to bask in my
physical representation of the Ma–ori glory, while simultaneously threaten-
world. As legend tells, at the dawn of ing my life. Will they ever learn?”
the world, my siblings and I lived in
the darkness between our coupled At 51.5 metres high, New Zealand’s Tāne
parents Ranginui (the sky father) and Mahuta truly is the ‘God of the forest’
Papatuanuku (the Earth mother). I
separated my parents, and in doing
so, allowed light and life to begin and
flourish. No biggie.

In fact, as visitors walk down the
wooded gangway into the rainforest
of Waipoua and are confronted by my
enormity, they are frequently brought
to tears. Oh, did I mention my size?
I stand 51.5 metres tall and have a
girth of 18.8 metres. Try hugging me
and you will not get very far. But scale
aside, it is the atmosphere that per-
vades my whole region that evokes
such an emotional response in all who
behold me – an energy, a life force,
something intangible yet deeply felt.

All Kauri trees are considered a
taonga (highly treasured) by Kiwis,
especially Ma–ori, who see the health

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PARENTING
LESSONS FROM

6 DENMARK
PIS FOR PLAY A ISFOR R ISFOR
Many kids seem AUTHENTICITY REFRAMING PHOTOS: GETTY IMAGES
to have every
minute of their If you watch The Danes like to
day stuffed with classes Danish movies take situations,
and activities; even or read Danish books, especially stressful or
playtimes are scheduled. you’ll notice that they do unpleasant ones, and try
Danes, on the other hand, not automatically offer to reframe their perception
follow a philosophy called Hollywood-style happy of them. For instance, if the
‘proximal development’, endings. For example, in weather is miserably cold
which basically states that the original version of The and stormy, a Dane might
kids need space to learn Little Mermaid, writer Hans say that at least he’s glad
and grow (with a little Christian Andersen did he isn’t on holiday. Danes
help, if necessary). not let his heroine get the believe it’s all in how you
Children are left to pursue prince. The Danes possess look at things, so they try
their own interests, a realistic outlook on life, to use language with
enabling them to try new and they share it with their children that doesn’t limit
things and build trust in children. Danish parents them or their
themselves. While will praise a child for their circumstances. Parents
parents are available, hard work in learning to strive to find the brighter
they’re not in control or in conquer a task, rather side of things – and they
the middle of than praise them for the start with themselves.
activities. Keep in inherent intelligence that So if your own expressed
mind that the enabled them to do so. thoughts are negative –
Danes invented This approach “I can’t lose weight”,
Lego, a toy in teaches kids that “I’m not a good writer”, etc
which the they can learn to do – you’re setting the
whole point anything, as opposed example to your children
is creative to possessing only the that there are pre-existing
play. capabilities they were limits, rather than that
born with. anything is possible.

90 april 2021

PARENTING

Denmark is the planet’s happiest nation, and part of its
secret has to do with how they bring up their children.

Here’s how you can raise your kids like a Dane

BY Reader’s Digest Editors

EIS FOR EMPATHY N IS FOR NO T IS FOR
Empathy ULTIMATUMS TOGETHERNESS
unquestionably
makes the world a Danish The Danes have
better place. In the parents are the unusual word
Danish school system, firm but also responsive, hygge (pronounced
there is a mandatory setting high standards hooga) – it literally
programme called Step for their kids but being means “to cosy around
by Step. Kids are shown supportive of them. together”. Families play
pictures of other kids They don’t expect total games together, enjoy
demonstrating different obedience, but they do nice meals, and generally
emotions, like fear, anger expect appropriately spend time enjoying each
and happiness, and mature behaviour from other’s company. How to
they’re asked to put into their children. In Danish bring it to your family?
words what the other families, respect goes Think ‘we’ over ‘I’; find
person is feeling. This both ways. Above all, activities in which
helps teach children adults must remember everyone can participate:
empathy, as well as how to be kind and patient play non-electronic
to read facial expressions. even when their children games, sing songs or
Danish parents continue are going through play music, and celebrate
this process by helping stubborn phases. everyday togetherness.
their children learn to put Keep in mind that this
themselves into another’s goes beyond parent-
shoes so they can better child time and extends
understand their to enjoying time with
relationships friends and extended
with their family.
friends
and family BASED ON THE BOOK THE DANISH
members. WAY OF PARENTING, © 2016 BY
JESSICA JOELLE ALEXANDER
AND IBEN DISSING SANDAHL.
PUBLISHED BY TARCHERPERIGEE

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READER’S DIGEST

ALL IN A DAY’S WORK

Humour on the Job

“Where do you see yourself in five updates?”

Quite the Entrance They had to open a window for me

Once I got sent to a client’s office to climb in, in front of everyone.
in a featureless building.
Awkward. @Pookiesu
Somehow, I managed to get
the directions up to the client’s Some Days Are Harder CARTOON: ROLLI. ILLUSTRATIONS; GETTY
reception horribly wrong. Before Than Others
I’d realised it, I’d opened a fire door
out onto the roof. It shut behind me It’s called ‘work’ for a reason.
with a resolute thunk!, leaving me ◆ Someone tried to return a
no option but to walk round the roof defective item without a receipt. After
trying to find another way in. explaining that I could not find where
she had paid for the item, she yelled
Turning a corner, I spotted my at me, “It’s not my fault you people
work colleagues and the client all didn’t catch me!”
looking at me in bewilderment ◆ I tied my hair back into a ponytail for
through the windows of the meeting work before teaching. It kept coming
room where they were gathered. undone, so I used a rubber band to

92 april 2021

hold it. Later, I was reprimanded for All In a Day’s Work
misusing school supplies.
◆ I was listening to the radio at work BY DESIGN
when a girl near me screamed. Then a
girl on the radio screamed. The show I was browsing in the men’s
was about bad jobs. It was her, calling department at Neiman
in while still at work. Marcus in New York when
◆ Three representatives from a knitted black designer
corporate came to our local office. blazer caught my eye.
Their agenda? Redoing our floor plan.
Now I have a great view of a wall. Although the tag said it
was on sale, it still cost more
dumbemployed.com than I cared to spend.
Tempting fate, I tried it on.
Funny Bones Just then, a saleswoman
appeared.
If I were an X-ray technician, after I
“It fits you perfectly,”
took the first X-ray I’d say, “OK, now she said.

let’s do a goofy one.” BROTI GUPTA “Yes,” I said, “but I really
don’t need it.”
FAST TALKERS
Without missing a beat,
Some of the more creative she replied, “We don’t sell
justifications for speeding that things that people need.”
police officers have encountered.
JOE CAPUTO IN THE NEW YORK TIMES
◆ “I wasn’t speeding. I just got a
haircut and it makes me look fast.”
◆ “My accelerator is broken and
it always goes this fast, no matter
what.”
◆ “I have a cold, and when I cough,
my foot mashes the pedal.”

policeone.com

rdasia.com 93

READER’S DIGEST

94 april 2021

ANIMAL KINGDOM

HARP
SEAL
NURSERY

Atlantic seal pups depend on this
beautiful – and dangerous – world

of ice for their survival

Story and photographs by Jennifer Hayes

FROM NATIONAL GEOGRAPHIC

rdasia.com 95

READER’S DIGEST

WHEN YOU WALK Then I hear the distant chorus of
on sea ice, it’s infant cries and I stand still, listening.
easy to forget that It’s a precious moment that I want to
there’s an ocean appreciate fully before I pull out my
below you. This cameras. I catch a slight movement in
frozen world is stripped down to es- a ridge of snow ahead – a gentle and
sentials: impossibly blue sky, bright clumsy wave of a tiny flipper. I see a
sun bouncing off fresh snow, wind pup nestled inside a small snow cave
that vibrates like a cello, whiteness moulded by body heat and move-
all around. ment, protected from the wind. Its

96 april 2021

Harp Seal Nursery

The world of ice and the The female emerges, using curved
continued existence claws to pull herself onto and across
of the harp seal are as the ice to her pup. They meet with
fragile as a dream a nose-to-nose kiss of recognition
that establishes kinship: are you
colouring is still tinged with hints of my pup? Are you my mother? The
yellow from amniotic fluid. female turns to gauge my presence,
determines I am no threat, and set-
I choose a spot a polite distance tles onto her side, shuts her eyes,
away and kneel in the snow, watch- and begins to nurse.
ing and waiting, noting the date:
March 8, 2019. I hear sloshing water Welcome to the harp seal nursery
and short grunting breaths before I in the Gulf of St Lawrence off the
see a whiskered face with big dark Magdalen Islands (Îles-de-la-Made-
eyes rise and survey the surround- leine), Canada, one of two Northwest
ings from a nearby hole in the ice. Atlantic harp seal whelping grounds.
Adult seals migrate here from the
Arctic, the pregnant females search-
ing for suitable ice on which to give
birth. Harp seals are an ice-obligate
species: they require a stable sea
platform of ice for pups to survive.
Born on the ice in late February and
early March, the pups nurse for 12-15
days before being left on their own.
The young seals are among the most
captivating creatures on the planet,
with obsidian eyes, charcoal noses,
and cloud-soft fur.

As I scan the landscape, I see larg-
er, more active pups in their white-
coat phase. These older pups, born
days earlier, have the distinct advan-
tage of time in the increasingly un-
predictable world of climate change
and its impact on this ice. Late-born
pups especially need an adequate pe-
riod of stable ice to survive in a world
where spring comes earlier every

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READER’S DIGEST

year and, with it, increasingly strong
storms that demolish the ice pack. A
life born to ice is difficult, and natu-
ral mortality is high.

THE MAGDALEN ISLANDS Mother and pup establish
are an archipelago of islets kinship with a nose-to-nose
resembling ships at anchor
in the Gulf of St Lawrence. kiss of recognition
I had been here in 2011 for a story
about the gulf’s marine ecosystem. then to put on a dry suit and mask,
The boat we boarded then to meet and snorkel and slide into their world
the seals was a steel-hulled fishing – with a camera.
and seal-hunting – vessel.
Life at the edge of the patch can
Magdalen Islanders have fished be a busy place, with mothers com-
and hunted seals off these shores ing and going beneath a dark-blue
since the 1600s. It’s a controversial cathedral of ice pierced by shafts of
tradition that continues with strict light, apprehensive whitecoats peer-
quotas and regulations. The hunting ing into the sea considering their first
of ‘whitecoats’, which refers to the swim, and veterans gliding about
soft, fluffy white fur newborn seals
have until three weeks old is illegal.
There has also been a substantial de-
cline in the number of seals harvest-
ed due to decreasing market price
and unfavourable ice conditions.
“Given the market situation for hunt-
ing products,” our guide, Mario Cyr,
told me, “ecotourism and observation
tours are the best alternative for most
boat owners and hunters.”

After two days of searching, the
boat’s captain nosed the vessel into
a patch of sea ice supporting a herd
of more than 10,000 seals. We drifted
with the ice over several days.

It was extraordinary to pull on
crampons and walk among this gath-
ering of pulsating life on the ice and

98 april 2021