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April 4, 2022 The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read Issue 4

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behavioral, and relationship health • There is currently one lander in operation

on Mars (InSight), along with three rovers
(Curiosity, Perseverance, and China’s
Zhurong) and 8 orbiting satellites. It was a
long hard road to get here, with the Soviets
having a particularly hard time. The long
list of failures became known as the Mars
Curse.
• Between 1960 and 1962, the Soviets
launched 5 missions to Mars, and all failed.
One of the most heartbreaking was the
Mars 1, which sailed towards Mars for
five months, making it 65.9 million miles
(106 million km) before its radio failed and
communication permanently ceased.
• In 1964, NASA gave it a try with Mariner 3
but that also failed shortly after launch when
the solar panels failed to function properly
and the batteries died as the ground crew
was frantically trying to fix the problem.
• Three weeks later, the launch of NASA’s
Mariner 4 became the first successful
mission to Mars, a flyby that took the first
close up images of the planet, sending back
22 images which showed the atmosphere
was much thinner than expected. (cont)

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Now Open! THE MARS CURSE (cont) * On April 6, 1776, the Continental Congress takes
• In 1969, NASA sent two more successful Mariner the first step toward American independence by
Color & Blonding announcing its decision to open all American ports to
Cutting missions. The 200 pictures they sent back to Earth international trade with any part of the world that is not
Waxing covered 20% of the planet. Photos did not reveal under British rule. It was the first act of independence
Lashes any canals, but did show trace amounts of water. by the Continental Congress.
• The Soviets launched Zond 2 shortly afterwards but * On April 9, 1859, a 23-year-old Missouri youth named
Extensions lost communications with it right after it reached Samuel Langhorne Clemens receives his steamboat
Mars, making it their 6th failed mission. They pilot’s license. Clemens would later write under the
Ninalee Costelnock launched two more missions in 1969 and 1971 pseudonym Mark Twain, a boatman’s call noting that
517-225-5958 but they both failed as well, continuing the streak. the river was only 2 fathoms deep, the minimum depth
Finally in 1971, they sent up Mars 2 and Mars 3, for safe navigation.
138 W. Highland #900 Howell with each one consisting of an orbiter and a lander. * On April 10, 1879, Schandor Herz -- the future John
www.district308.com Both made it to Mars, and the obiters sent back Hertz, the man behind what will one day be the world’s
@district308 photos and information. Those orbiters continue to largest car-rental company -- is born in present-day
circle Mars today. However, both landers failed. Slovakia. In 1923, Hertz bought a fleet of used Ford
• In 1971 NASA sent up Mariner 8 and 9. Mariner 8 Model Ts and named the business Hertz Drive-Ur-Self
failed. Mariner 9 took off 11 days after the Soviet’s Corporation.
Mars 2 and 3 but was travelling faster, so it beat * On April 5, 1955, Sir Winston Leonard Spencer
them to Mars and became the first spacecraft to Churchill, the British leader who guided Great Britain
orbit another planet. It arrived during a planet-wide and the Allies through the crisis of World War II, retires
dust storm and had to wait six weeks for things as prime minister of Great Britain. In the first year of
to settle. Meanwhile, the Soviet’s Mars 2 arrived his administration, Britain had stood alone against Nazi
and its lander set down in the middle of the storm, Germany.
immediately going offline. Mariner 9 spent a year * On April 7, 1961, President John F. Kennedy sends
in orbit and sent back 7,300 pictures revealing a letter to Congress recommending that the U.S.
canyons, river beds, and the discovery of Olympus participate in an international campaign to preserve
Mons, the largest extinct volcano in the solar ancient temples and historic monuments in Egypt’s
system. Nile Valley threatened by construction of the Aswan
• In 1973 the Soviets sent up four Mars probes, High Dam.
three of which failed. The 4th sent back half of * On April 4, 1973, the Twin Towers of the World Trade
one picture before communication failed. At this Center officially open in New York City. The buildings
point they had only 2 successful missions out of replaced the Empire State Building as the world’s
18. They didn’t send another mission to Mars for tallest building, though they would only hold that title
another 15 years. for a year.
• In 1975, NASA’s Viking 1 and 2, both consisting of * On April 8, 1989, California Angels rookie pitcher
an orbiter and a lander, were both a success. Viking Jim Abbott, who was born without a right hand, makes
2’s orbiter sent back nearly 16,000 images of Mars. his Major League Baseball debut in a 7-0 loss to the
Viking 1’s lander sent back the first panoramic Seattle Mariners.
photo of the planet. (cont)

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Downtown Howell 517-548-7059 DEAR DR. ROACH: I have an elderly friend did, from this low-cost treatment with essentially
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Brimhall ing event she experienced due to vision loss, I DEAR DR. ROACH: I am a healthy 73-year-
remembered the great clarity that the yellow- old man who has always had a large prostate.
Owners/Publishers lens (to reduce glare) glasses gave me, not just at Thirty years ago, my urologist described it more
night, but daytime also. like the size of an orange rather than a wal-
(313) 629-3456 So, I sent her a pair to see if it would help, as nut. Despite its size, it has never given me any
a last-ditch effort. She called me crying, it had problems -- no UTIs, sudden urination, poor
[email protected] made such a difference! She has now had her stream, waking me in the middle of the night,
www.TidbitsofLivingston.com prescription eyeglasses done with the yellow etc. Despite not having symptoms, about 10
(blue-canceling?) lenses. Of course, we under- years ago I was prescribed finasteride at a dose
stand that this is just a temporary help, and of 5 milligrams, and Rapaflo to “try to keep it
won’t prevent the blindness from taking its in check.” In 2018 I had an ultrasound done of
course, but it has given her much better vision my prostate, and it was measured at 185 grams.
for a time. -- I.L.B. It was measured again recently and is now 232
grams. My PSA is always in the 3.2-3.5 range.
ANSWER: Age-related macular degeneration is the At what point does a prostate get too large?
leading cause of vision loss in industrialized coun- Should I be concerned even without having any
tries. It is a degeneration of the central part of the symptoms? To his credit, my urologist discussed
retina, called the macula, which is responsible for my surgical options, along with the related side
fine detail central vision. The underlying cause is effects. I am reluctant to do anything if it’s not
not precisely known, and the course is progressive. necessary. -- J.J.
I was able to find a 2002 study that confirmed that
yellow or orange lenses improved contrast sensitiv- ANSWER: The normal prostate gland is about 20
ity in people with early age-related macular degen- grams, and only 4% of men will develop a prostate
eration, whereas red and gray lenses worsened it. over 100 grams. Yours is well past that, though far
Another study suggested that the perceived benefit short of the world record of 2,410 grams.
(the subjective experience by the person) was It is striking that the size of the prostate does not
enhanced, but that objective improvement in vision well correlate with a man’s symptoms. Since you
was not actually improved much at all. have no symptoms and a low PSA level (especially
In my opinion, perceived benefit is still worth a considering the size), there is no indication to do
great deal, and since there is little effective treat- anything surgically. The risk of surgical complica-
ment for the more common “dry” form of ARMD tions is higher in men with very enlarged prostate
beyond vitamins and smoking cessation, I am pub- glands, so I would certainly be cautious about
lishing your letter in hopes that some people will considering surgery.
get improvements in their vision, as your friend

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THE MARS CURSE (cont)
• The next Mars mission was in 1988 when the

Soviets sent up probes Phobos 1 and 2. One of
them failed; the other took 37 pictures of Phobos,
one of the two moons of Mars. In 1991, the USSR
dismantled, but in 1996 the Russian space agency
sent up another Mars probe that failed to leave
Earth’s orbit.
• In 1992, NASA’s winning streak of five successful
missions ended when the Mars Observer orbiter
lost communication just before it reached Mars
orbit. The loss was painful because it cost $813
million, four times the original budget. The loss
propelled NASA into new programs dubbed the
Faster, Better, Cheaper mission, or FBC.
• In 1996 NASA sent up the Pathfinder lander
along with the Sojourner rover, the first to go up
under the Faster, Better, Cheaper program. The
Pathfinder lander was the first to use airbags upon
landing. It transmitted over 16,000 images along
with 8 million measurements, and found fossilized
bacteria in a meteorite. The Sojourner was the
first wheeled vehicle used on another planet. They
were both expected to expire within a few weeks,
but remained operational until 1997.
• Also successful was NASA’s Mars Global
Surveyor which arrived safely at Mars in 1997. It
circled for ten years before losing contact in 2006,
sending back information about ancient lava flows,
gullies formed by flowing water, mineral deposits,
and complete mapping of the surface.
• In 1998, Japan’s only attempt to reach Mars failed
when their probe ran out of fuel before getting
there. Also in 1998, all three of NASA’s missions
failed. NASA turned the corner in 2001 with the
Mars Odyssey orbiter which is still operational,
making it the longest serving spacecraft on Mars.
This craft revealed vast amounts of ice buried
beneath the poles. (cont)

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THE MARS CURSE (cont) 1. What piece of sports
equipment served as the ball
• NASA’s FBC program experienced failure in the first-ever game of
with the 1999 Mars Polar Lander due to a softball played in Chicago in
mathematical miscalculation. Lockheed Martin 1887?
was using metric measurements (Newtons of 2. Name the Scottish
force per second) but their files were written golfer who won the Open
in Imperial measurements (pounds of force per Championship in 1985 and
second). One pound of force is equal to 4.45 the Masters Tournament in 1988.
Newtons of force. The thrust needed to land on 3. During the 1970s, the unofficial, unsanctioned
Mars was underestimated by a factor of 4.45, cross-country auto race known as the Cannonball
putting the craft into the wrong trajectory. It Run had its finish line at what location?
crashed. 4. What bowling show aired on NBC TV from 1959-
61 and had Leo Durocher, Mel Allen and Bud Palmer
• In 2003 the European Space Agency launched among its hosts?
the Mars Express Orbiter along with the Beagle 5. Name the Australian tennis great who won
2 lander in their first attempt at reaching Mars. 24 Grand Slam singles titles -- including seven
The Beagle failed. However, the Express orbiter straight at the Australian Open -- during her pro
was very successful and is still in operation. career from 1959-77?
The Orbiter revealed more evidence of flowing 6. Who succeeded Buddy Ryan as head coach of the
water along with plotting minerology maps. Philadelphia Eagles in 1991?
7. Basketball Hall of Famer Nate Archibald has his
• In 2003 NASA sent up the twin rovers Spirit No. 1 jersey retired by what NBA franchise?
and Opportunity which were both successful.
Q: I finally got caught up on “Ted Lasso” and Although designed to last only 3 months, the
Spirit remained in operation for 6 years before
now understand what all the hype was about. dying in a sand dune, and the Opportunity
When will the third season air? -- G.M. stayed functional for 15 years before falling
silent in a sandstorm. They showed that Mars
A: Filming has already begun for the third atmosphere and climate were once much more
hospitable.
season of the No. 1 series on Apple+, “Ted
Lasso,” but don’t expect to see it until late • Another wildly successful mission was
summer or fall of 2022. The second sea- NASA’s Mars Reconnaissance Orbiter which
son took a bit of a darker turn but was still began orbiting in 2006. It has returned more
filled with laughs and inspirational quotes data than all previous Mars missions combined
by Lasso, played by “Saturday Night Live” and continues to send data.
alum Jason Sudeikis.
• The Soviets made another attempt to reach
“Ted Lasso” was a much-needed hit for the Phobos with the Phobos-Grunt mission in
struggling Apple streaming service. It also 2011, which failed to leave Earth orbit. It was
was a critical success, becoming the most their 19th attempt to get to Mars in 28 years.
nominated new series in the history of the Only five met with partial success.
Emmy Awards. It’s made stars out of the
British cast, including Hannah Waddingham • NASA’s rover Curiosity arrived safely in 2012,
as Rebecca Welton, the pro soccer team’s followed by Perserverance in 2021 and its
owner, and Brett Goldstein as retired star helicopter Ingenuity. Every single American
player Roy Kent. mission in the 2000s succeeded. The Mars
Curse is now broken!
Sudeikis first played the lovable coach dur-
ing a promo for NBC aimed at promoting * For moister and softer cookies, use honey as a * “Have a headache? Try drinking a couple of
viewership of its English Premier League substitute for a third of the sugar in your cookie glasses of a sports drink. This works for my friends
soccer audience. It worked. The promos recipe. and me. Maybe we just need to be drinking more
went viral, and years later he teamed up water, but the sports drinks get us back on track
with creative partners Joe Kelly and Bren- * And speaking of honey, did you know it has more quickly than medicine most times.” -- E.L. in
dan Hunt, the latter of whom plays Coach antibacterial properties? Yep! Try rubbing a bit Colorado
Beard on the show, and came up with a of it over a small cut for faster, more natural
pilot. With the help of experienced producer healing. * “This time-tested tip will keep your houseplants in
Bill Lawrence (“Scrubs”), they developed the green while you’re away from home: Set plants
the series into the hit that it is today. in the bathtub in an inch or less of water. If your
flowerpot does not have drain holes, get a short
Q:*** length of cotton rope and feed it from the topsoil
Whatever happened to Geena Davis? I to the tub. This will keep plants alive and thriving for
haven’t seen her in anything in a long time, and a week or more.” -- D.R. in Florida
she used to be a big movie star. -- S.H.
* “Keep venetian blinds from sticking to one * “Having a hard time cutting out soda? Try this:
A: If you look at Geena Davis’s resume, another and discourage dust by rubbing them Every time you reach for a glass of soda, drink a full
down individually with a sheet of fabric softener. cup of water first. You will find that your thirst is sated
you might be surprised to learn that she’s This effect will last at least a month, in my better, and you are not as “thirsty” for that sugar
accumulated quite a list of roles in the past experience.” -- S.F. in Alabama water!” -- F.E. in South Carolina
two decades. At the height of her career in
the late 1980s to early 1990s, she won an
Oscar for “The Accidental Tourist” and was
nominated for one for “Thelma and Louise.”
She also starred in the below-mentioned
film “Beetlejuice.”
She later tried her hand at network televi-
sion with “The Geena Davis Show” and
“Commander in Chief,” both of which were
soon canceled. She then recurred on “Grey’s
Anatomy” as Dr. Nicole Herman and then
as Sandy Devereaux on Netflix’s “GLOW.”
Next up for Davis is a new untitled legal
drama on CBS.
***

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1. Is the book of Nebuchadnez-
zar in the Old or New Testament or
neither?
2. In which book’s 34th chapter
does the Lord tell Moses to tear
down all pagan altars? Genesis,
Exodus, Judges, Ruth
3. How many books of the Bible
(KJV) begin with the letter “G”? 1,
2, 3, 4. From 1 Kings 9, who built the walls of Jerusalem? David,
Solomon, Belshazzar, Nimrod
5. What angel appeared to Mary and Zacharias? Haniel, Pas-
char, Sofiel, Gabriel
6. From Genesis 4, who invented tents? Cain, Jabal, Abel,
Adam

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* Agree with those diehard fans of Pluto who OUT OF THIS WORLD 1. LITERATURE: Who wrote the poem “Nothing Gold
still insist it’s a planet? So does New Mexico. Can Stay”?
Its legislature resolved that Pluto is still legally SPACE FACTS 2. TELEVISION: Eric Taylor was the dad in which
a planet ... at least whenever it passes over 2000s TV drama?
the state. • Average surface temp of Venus, the hottest 3. MATH: What is the Arabic number equivalent of
* During a time of political turmoil, planet: 842 F (450 C) the Roman numerals MDCCLXXVI?
Michelangelo hid in a secret room under 4. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the Tyrrhenian Sea located?
Florence’s Medici Chapel for three months, • Average surface temp of Earth: 58 F (18 C) 5. FOOD & DRINK: What is the primary ingredient in
passing the time by sketching on the walls. • Average temp in outer space: -458 F (-270 C) the canned product SPAM?
His secret wasn’t discovered until some five • Temperature of absolute zero: -459 F (-273 C) 6. ADVERTISING SLOGANS: What product did football
centuries later, when the museum director • Temp of Mercury at night: -280 F (-173 C) player Joe Greene promote in the “Meet Joe Greene”
stumbled upon the room in 1976. • Temp of Mercury in the afternoon: 800 F (427 TV commercial?
* Honorary members of the Harlem 7. ANIMAL KINGDOM: How fast do honeybees fly?
Globetrotters include Pope John Paul II and C) 8. MOVIES: Who was the famous person portrayed in
Pope Francis. • Number of moons circling Jupiter: 79 the movie “Lust for Life”?
* The Rhizanthella gardneri orchid, which grows • Length of time required to walk to the Moon: 9. HISTORY: When was Elizabeth II crowned queen?
entirely underground, was discovered by an 10. EXPLORERS: Which early European explorer
Australian farmer in 1928 and generated such 9.5 years named the Pacific Ocean?
excitement that a wax model of it toured the • Angle at which Earth tilts: 23 degrees
British Isles. • Angle at which Uranus tilts: 98 degrees Almond Thins
* A hen will eat her own raw eggs if not satisfied • Length of Earth’s seasons due to tilt: 1 year
with her diet. • Length of Uranus’ seasons due to tilt: 21 years 2 cups all-purpose flour
* The Mexican language Ayapaneco, or, • Percent of the Moon invisible from Earth: 3/4 cup cold butter or margarine (1 1/2 sticks),
more properly, Nuumte Oote (“the true cut up
voice”), is dying out, and small wonder: Its 41% 1/3 cup plus 2 tablespoons sugar
only fluent speakers number a grand total of • Year when the far side of the Moon was first 1 large egg, separated
two, and they refuse to talk to each other! 1 teaspoon almond extract
* A paired kidney exchange allows people to seen by spacecraft: 1959 1/8 teaspoon salt
donate their kidney that wasn’t a match for an • Earth years required to cross the width of the 3/4 cup sliced natural almonds
intended recipient to a stranger in exchange
for a kidney that is a match for their loved one. Milky Way at the speed of light: 100,000 1. Preheat oven to 375 F. In food processor,
* In 2010 a San Diego Chipotle customer in • Number of volcanoes on Venus: 1,600 with knife blade attached, blend flour, butter
a wheelchair successfully sued the restaurant • Number of volcanoes on Earth: 1,350 and 1/3 cup sugar just until mixture forms coarse
chain with the claim that their tall order counter • Number of Earth years required for Neptune crumbs. Add egg yolk, almond extract and 2
denied him the full “Chipotle experience” -- tablespoons water, and blend until mixture just
like watching his order being assembled. to make a single orbit of the Sun: 165 begins to form a ball (do not overmix).
* Sand is the most extracted material in the • Distance to the edge of Outer Space from the 2. With hand, press dough onto bottom of
world. 15 1/2-by-10 1/2-inch jelly-roll pan. For
* Actor Joe Pesci was a singer and guitar surface of Earth: 62 miles (100 km) easier spreading, place sheet of plastic wrap
player in his early 20s and once played in • Distance above Earth the International Space over dough and smooth dough evenly over
the same band (called Joey Dee and the bottom of pan. (To help make an even layer,
Starliters) as Jimi Hendrix. Station (ISS) orbits: 250 miles (400 km) use bottom of 8- or 9-inch square pan to press
• Time it takes the ISS to circle Earth: 92 dough.) Discard plastic wrap.
3. In cup, with fork, beat egg white and salt;
minutes brush some over dough. Top dough with
• Number of named constellations in the night almonds; sprinkle with remaining 2 tablespoons
sugar.
sky: 88 (cont) 4. With knife, gently cut dough lengthwise into
• Although Mercury is the planet closest to the 6 strips, then cut each strip crosswise into 8
bars.
Sun, Venus is far hotter than Mercury because 5. Bake cookies about 20 minutes or until
Mercury has no atmosphere, whereas Venus golden. Transfer cookies in pan to wire rack to
has a very thick atmosphere, and it’s the cool 5 minutes. While cookies are still warm,
atmosphere that regulates the temperature of cut cookies again following cut marks. Cool
the planet. Venus is hot enough to melt lead. cookies completely in pan. Makes 4 dozen
• Space is completely silent. There is no way cookies.
for sound waves to travel or be heard in the
vacuum.
• Four of the planets in the Solar System would
be impossible to land a space ship on because
they are gas giants: Jupiter, Saturn, Uranus,
and Neptune.
• Saturn would theoretically float if put into a
huge bowl of water because gas is lighter than
water. Saturn has only a small rocky core.
• The footprints left by astronauts on the Moon
will last forever because there’s no weather,
wind, or water to disturb them.
• It’s been estimated there is one black hole
for every thousand stars that exist, meaning
there are about 10 quadrillion black holes
in the Universe. The first-ever black hole
photographed is 3 million times the size of
Earth.
• There are some parts of the universe we can’t
see because the light from there hasn’t reached
us yet.
• Mercury and Venus are the only planets in our
solar system that have no moons.
• Nobody knows how the Earth got its nam.
All we know is that it is derived from an
amalgamation of both the Old English and
Old Germanic words for “ground.” Earth is
the only planet not named after a god.
• Spacecraft have visited all the known planets
in our solar system.
• In outer space, there is approximately one
atom for every cubic meter.

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Like Cats and Dogs

By Samantha Mazzotta

Don’t Forget to Provide for Pets in Your Will
DEAR PAW’S CORNER: As an attorney who pets, we need to do it for them, and make sure
helps clients prepare wills, I’d like to urge they will be loved and cared for. You can read
your readers to review their end-of-life plans more about how to include a pet clause in your
and make sure that their pets are provided for. will at this link: https://tinyurl.com/3yjbzmdx.
It’s so important to designate a new caregiver What if you’re not in a position to make or
for their pets so that they are quickly rehomed update your will at this time? Put it on your
to a person who will love and care for them. to-do list, and in the meantime, make a list of
I own a lovable German Shepherd, and each trusted relatives and friends who you think
year, I review my own life plan and adjust it if would be good caregivers for your pet. Contact
needed -- usually an adjustment in the amount each of them to ask if they’d be willing to take
I’ll give to his future caregiver to help with the in your pet if something should happen to you.
financial aspects of taking in a pet, which can This type of informal arrangement will give
you some peace of mind. As soon as you’re
be substantial. -- Darren H., Philadelphia able to do so, create a written will or review

DEAR DARREN: Thank you for this reminder. your existing will. This helps ensure that your
None of us likes to think about the possibility of pet will go to a loving home and minimize their
dying, but as people who love and care for our stress and grief.

Compounded Drugs SLUGGING OUT SLOGANS
Can be Rx for Greed
• Southwest Airlines began using the slogan
The Department of Justice nabbed a doctor who was “Just Plane Smart” to promote their company
licensed in both Texas and Oklahoma for writing drug in a new advertising campaign. That riled up
prescriptions in exchange for kickbacks. The drugs a company called Stevens Aviation, an aircraft
in question were compounded, which are expensive firm based in South Carolina, because they
because they are either multiple drugs mixed together, were already using the slogan “Plane Smart.”
pills made into liquid or drugs made without dyes in Lawyers were subsequently hired.
them.
In this case. the doctor ordered the drugs after a com- • Then the CEO of Southwest Airlines, Herb
pounding company solicited him, and paid a hefty bribe, Kelleher, came up with a proposal: the issue
to write prescriptions that would be filled by that com- would be settled by an arm wrestling match
pany’s pharmacy. Footing the bill for these pricey drugs between himself and the CEO of Stevens
was Medicare, TRICARE, CHAMPVA and the Federal Aviation, Kurt Herwald. Kelleher issued the
Employees Compensation Act Program. challenge: company employees would be the
The doctor ran pain clinics in both states, which is a spectators at the match; all funds raised would
good place to hide specialty drugs. He pleaded guilty be donated to charity; and the winner of the
and could face paying back $1.5 million. However, part match would get to keep the slogan.
of his plea deal is that he serves 36 months of super-
vised probation, with no jail time. • Kurt Herwald was a young and athletic body-
One hopes that the judge doesn’t accept that plea. Com- builder, while Herb Kelleher was the exact
pounded drugs are potentially dangerous, especially opposite. Herwald accepted the challenge and
when the participants aren’t thinking first of patient the game was on.
safety.
A couple years ago, the major players in another com- • In the lead-up to the event, Kelleher flaunted
pounding company were caught up in a deadly scheme his pudgy 40-year-old body in training videos.
that caused a nationwide meningitis outbreak, the big- With a cigarette in his mouth, he did weight
gest ever seen by a pharmaceutical drug. They cut cor- training with bottles of Wild Turkey whisky.
ners, shipped in bulk without individual prescriptions, The assistance of three stewardesses were
ignored patient safety, misbranded drugs, didn’t await required to help him complete a single sit-up as
sterility test results, let mold and bacteria into their he rigorously prepared for the match.
clean-room facility and created drugs with expired in-
gredients. Almost 800 patients across the country came • The event was billed as “Malice in Dallas”
down with a fungal infection after getting injections of and was held in March of 1992 at the Dallas
those drugs. Of those, over 100 patients have died. Sportatorium in front of hundreds of fans.
They also tried, and failed, to hide their activities. Crowds shouted “Herb! Herb! Herb!” as
They weren’t too bright, apparently, shipping drugs to Kelleher entered the stadium wearing a poorly
patients named Bud Weiser, Fat Albert, Samuel Adams tied bathrobe. His right arm hung in a sling
and others. and he explained to the announcer that he had
All the participants received average prison sentences recently been injured while saving a small girl
... until a federal appeals court decided that the original from being hit by a car while running across
judge was wrong. One by one the criminals are being the I-35 freeway. He complained that he was
resentenced with extra time added on. currently suffering from a cold, as well as
athlete’s foot. But when Herwald entered the
area, Kelleher took a wild lunge and had to be
restrained by the ring officials. (cont)

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Home Cleaning 8am-9pm SLUGGING OUT A SLOGAN (cont)
Office Cleaning 810-599-4701 • Many television stations were on hand, including
Carpet Cleaning [email protected]
CNN and BBC. Kelleher opened the show by
Waiting Out COVID brought many of us to our knees. Each person in presenting a substitution order issued by the supreme
my humble survey could, when queried, point court of Texas, allowing a proxy to replace him. The
An unscientific poll of senior friends and to the exact time when the tide turned in their chosen proxy was world champion arm wrestler
neighbors revealed just what we’ve accom- mental health. It was the omicron variant and the J.R. Jones. Herwald objected, but was ignored.
plished during the past two years of this additional vaccine booster, when it became ap- • Matched against the world champion, Kurt Herwald
pandemic. The answer: not much. parent that COVID wasn’t going away soon. of Stevens Aviation lost the first three matches in
quick succession.
Mostly, it seems, we’ve been waiting. For me, a daily to-do list has come in handy. • Frustrated, Herwald now loudly declared that “If
Waiting for it to be safe to shop in person. On a sheet of paper I have two columns: one they can bring in a ringer, I can bring in a ringer
Waiting for our clubs and meetings to start work, one play. In the work column there are too” and brought out his own substitute. But rather
up again. Waiting for a visit from family household tasks such as doing one load of laun- than a muscle-bound champion, his proxy was a
across the country that has feared bringing dry. In the play column are things like wiping Stevens Aviation customer service representative,
COVID to our door. Waiting for all the vac- the dust off the piano and learning a new song a tiny woman dubbed “Killer” Annette Coats. She
cines and boosters to do what they were sup- each week. weighed half as much as Kelleher, but she won the
posed to do. Waiting to be unafraid again. next set of matches easily.
On the back of the page are two more col- • Kelleher and Herwald went head-to-head (or
In the beginning we were all for follow- umns. One is a list of names, and somebody gets hand-to-hand) in the next set of matches, with
ing the rules. We seniors are a tough bunch, called every day. In the other column is an ever- Herwald winning handily. Stevens Aviation had
and we know a lot. We have coping skills lengthening list of things that are going right. now officially won ownership of the slogan. Then
that got us through any number of crises This one is sometimes hard to fill out, but it gets a wrestler jumped into the ring and began to choke
life has thrown at us. But this pandemic has done, even if it’s only notes like: Completed a Kelleher. Herwald rushed to Kelleher’s rescue, and
crossword puzzle in seven minutes. they teamed up to chase the spandex-clad wrestler
out of the ring. Kelleher turned to Herwald to thank
Try it. Make your lists, especially if you’ve him for saving his life, and the two shook hands.
felt yourself sinking under the weight of this • Herwald took the microphone for an announcement,
never-ending pandemic. stating that in order to show there were no hard
feelings, and to avoid being accused of taking
advantage of senior citizens, Stevens Aviation
had decided to allow Southwest Airlines to keep
the slogan in exchange for a $5000 contribution
to Ronald McDonald House “because they need
the money more than Southwest Airlines does.”
The entire event was a publicity coup. In 2018,
Southwest carried more domestic passengers than
any other U.S. airline.

1. A boxing glove. 1. Robert Frost
2. “Friday Night Lights”
2. Sandy Lyle. BIBLE TRIVIA 3. 1776
3. The Portofino Inn 4. Between the west coast
in Redondo Beach, ANSWERS: of Italy and the islands of
Sicily, Sardinia and Corsica
California 1) Neither; 2) 5. Pork
4. “Jackpot Bowling.” Exodus; 3) 2 6. Coca-Cola
7. 20 mph
5. Margaret Smith (Galatians, 8. Vincent van Gogh (by
Court. Genesis); 4) actor Kirk Douglas)
6. Rich Kotite. Solomon; 5) 9. 1953
10. Ferdinand Magellan
7. The Sacramento Gabriel; 6) Jabal

Kings.